You sure about this?
Yes, Gabrielle.
OK, Im gonna let you off here.
I cant believe you wanna to without me.
I dont want to go without you,
but King Lias message
said the ceremony is tomorrow.
Ill have to push Argo pretty hard
to make it there myself.
I can follow you.
Ill get there a day later.
Look--
if they want you there for security reasons, then maybe theres a
bigger probem than hes letting on.
Gabrielle, relax.
Enjoy yourself for a couple o days.
I can handle this without you.
Hmm. Fine.
Maybe there are a few problems around here
that I can handle without you.
Well, if there are,
Im sure youre up to the challenge.
See you in a couple o days.
Im sure youre up to the challenge.
How patronizing can you get?!
Any time youre ready;
its your funeral. Ah-hah!
Youre next, Megalopolis.
Im gonna cut your head off and feed
it to the fishes!
But first a special move Im gonna put on ya.
Hey, Joxer. You all right?
Great! Sh! Sh-Sh!
Im just listening to make sure no
giants tracked me.
Yeah-- and-- they didnt.
Mmm-- thats a load off my mind.
Yeah-- oh, wait! Wheres Xena?
Ah-- shes off being a hero.
Oh. How come youre not with her?
Cause Im a sidekick--
obviously expendable,
when push comes to shove.
Hmm. Wait, wait, wait!
Thats great! Dont you get it?
Youre a sidekick without a hero.
And Im a hero without a sidekick.
Of course. Youre a hero.
A hero of what?
I am Joxer the Mighty.
Im the greatest hero that ever was.
Im Joxer the mighty; he roams through the country--
Joxer--
Im not in the mood for this.
What?
You know--
one day youll realize what it really means to be a hero.
And then youll change your tune.
I am a hero.
Look-- what would Xena do in a situation like this?
Like what?
Like um--
you know-- walking.
Actually, she would guard our rear.
She would?
Mmm. And shed stay _way back to intercept anybody that
might follow us.
Oh, cause like if we get attacked from behind--
Ah, deadly.
So, I could fight, I could--
Yeah-- yep.
Great. Ill stay right back here.
Dont worry-- no ones
gonna get _your_ rear.
Cupid?! Where are you?
Yo, Mom-- What up?
I have an overwhelming sense of grodiness, Cupid.
Why? Whats the problem?
You did your gooey love thing on Princess Ileandra and
Prince Sarpedon.
Yeah--
theyre a cooking couple--
its set.
But their marriage will unite their two kingdoms!
Exactly.
Look, get to the point, Mom.
Im real busy.
Their fathers plan to dismantle my temples that line the border.
If I lose those temples,
Ill have fewer than that
hagster, Athena.
So you lose a few crummy temples!
Bit deal!
This is love!
Thats way harsh, Cupid.
Im Aphrodite, the goddess of love.
Temples are my kahunas--
the way I know whether
Im happening or not.
Now, I want you to undo this thing.
No way! Theyre eloping!
Itll be over before you know it!
Oh! This is so not fair!
Ah. Youre forcing me to get involved.
I am not!
Yes you are!
I can whip up a major jealousy rage in no time.
All I need is an accomplice.
You always do this!
Youre gonna find some hero, right?
Like Theseus or Perseus--
throw your little lust-spell on em,
then, pow!
Theyre your boy-toys.
As if, Cupid.
I dont need a hero.
I can do it with anyone.
Anyone? I doubt it.
Well, then, I guess its time for the goddess of love to
prove to her son just
how powerful she can be.
You name the dude--
Ill work with him.
Anyone, huh?
Anyone.
No ones gonna get me from behind if I walk backwards.
Yeah, guard, guard, guard-- guard, guard
Hi, there, studmuffin.
I mean you, big guy.
I need a strong warrior
type to do me a favor.
Id be ever so grateful.
Take this to Princess Ileandra.
Ileandra.
Its a wedding present.
Present.
Make sure you deliver it personally.
Oh, OK. Dont worry.
I wont let you down.
Hey-- youre
Aphrodite, arent you?
Dont worry, Ill bring it!
No.
Break her in half.
Blood, valor, and victory!
Hah-hah! Ah. Ah! Here you go!
Watch that step.
Hes so strong.
You saved us.
My hero.
My sword is always ready
to pleasure you, my lady.
Hes so good-looking.
In a time of ancient gods,
warlords, and kings,
A land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena,
a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle.
The power...
the passion...
the danger...
Her courage will change the world...
Ladies, please, please.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hes mine, Sister.
Please--
each of you is like a--
rose in the garden of life.
Ive come to sample the fragrance of but one.
Who? Who?
Princess Ileandra.
Me-- thats me.
Im Princess Ileandra.
Then I have a gift for you.
Its golden finish is but a
dim glimmer of the shimmering
radiance of your cream-like skin.
Put it on, quick.
Oh.
Joxer.
Huh?
That was amazing.
What has gotten into you?
Ah, ah-- I dont know.
Um-- protecting your rear and uh--
ah, dya-- where am I?
Say that thing again--
about my skin and cream.
Cream and-- skin?
What? I dont know--
who I am, anymore.
Thank the gods you two arrived when you did.
Im Princess Ileandra of Mylon.
Im Gabrielle.
Where are you headed?
Pyros--
Im going to elope with my betrothed,
Prince Sarpedon.
Mmm-- romantic.
Romantic, yes-- practical, no.
I had no idea it was so
dangerous outside of the castle.
Would-- you go with us?
Id be so grateful.
After all, you two did save our lives.
Ow! Ah! Oh! Ow! Ooh! You! Ahh!
That is the guy who saved us, isnt it?
Thats Joxer.
He saved you.
I did? I mean, ah, oh,
I did-- I did. Yes-- umm-- sure,
there must have been,
uh-- twenty of them--
or more-- or less.
Whatever it was, I, you know--
I-- I tore em apart with my bare hands, so--
So-- will you help us?
Ah, Joxer-- are you up to this?
Of course, of course,
its all coming back to me, now.
They had cross-bows, right?
I mean cata-- catapults? Chariots?
Whatever-- I mean,
I was very fierce when I--
when I took them
out and-- listen,
as far as your skin is concerned-- ah,
it reminds me of-- cream--
just before it curdles--
cause thats
when its the best.
Theres nothing like a wedding to bring two families together.
To you, Linius.
And peace to both our kingdoms.
And you, Baris.
Peace between our kingdoms.
Its a done deal, Mom-- Give it up.
Its been a long time coming.
Now, to rid ourselves of
these pesky temples to Aphrodite.
Pesky!
This one on your
land blocks my view of the river.
Who would wanna look at a stupid river,
when you could look at me?
Tell him, Linius.
Done.
Ive always thought this one was ugly.
Ugly?!
Hey, show some class, Mom.
You cant always have
everything your way.
King Linius.
It pains me to reveal this.
But I feel it my duty
as a lady of honor to inform you.
I know what youre gonna say.
Theyre eloping.
What?!
Yes-- my spies are more effective than yours, my friend.
Dont be alarmed.
Itll just save us the expense of a wedding banquet.
Yes-- yes-- good.
Careful, Cupid.
You know I always win.
Its not the elopement I speak of.
I saw Princess Ileandra
in the arms of another man--
a gallant warrior named Joxer.
Nonsense!
Take it back, woman!
Oh, its true.
My friend saw it, too.
Then I withdraw my approval from the marriage!
I cant have my son marrying a harlot!
Who are you calling a harlot?!
This is vicious slander!
Perhaps--
but Im stopping all negotiations till we get to the bottom of this.
No! Im stopping all negotiations until I get to the bottom of this!
Lust versus love.
Youre just over your head,Sonny.
How could you do that?!
Thats way not fair!
All right--
I suggest we continue this conversation when
weve both mellowed.
Im outta here.
Oh, I guess I love Sarpedon because
hes the most caring,
loving, sensitive man you ever want to meet.
Hes also--
the luckiest man in the world.
I guess thats--
thats Prince Sarpedon.
Whats he got that I havent got?
Well, Princess Ileandra for starters, and-- muscles.
OK, OK, OK.
Umm-- Id like you to meet my new friends.
This is Gabrielle and--
what was your name again?
Joxer, for the tenth time.
Right-- they escorted us safely here.
I thank you.
Yes, thank you for everything.
Im glad we could bring you together.
Bye-bye.
Dont you just love happy endings?
Yeah-- but just once,
Id like to have a happy ending.
Mmm.
Wait a minute.
Youre saying I fought all of them and won?
Yes-- maybe you hit your head,
and thats why you cant remember.
I dont think so.
Mmm.
I think it was more like a warrior haze.
A warrior haze?
Yeah-- you know?
OK-- enemys coming at you;
hearts pounding;
your muscles are flexing.
Then your mind shuts down
and lets your body take over.
Right. Well, you seem fine, Joxer.
And Ileandras with Sarpedon.
So I guess alls well that ends well.
Yoo-hoo! Joxer--
over here.
You disappoint me, Joxer.
I thought youd cruise the hero wave with the happy couple.
You know make sure they get home safely.
Wait a minute.
You mean, Sarpedon and Ileandra need my help?
Duh! Oh, and one other thing--
Your beauty inspires me to do the manliest of deeds.
Ooh! I am so good;
but when Im bad, Im better.
Im so happy to be with you.
I never wanna leave.
Well-- why dont we just get married now?
Here?
Sure-- the gods are smiling on us.
Our friends are here.
Why not?
But we need a priest to bless our union.
Yeah. Would, um that one there do?
Oh, Sarpedon-- yes.
Your eyes speak of desire.
Your lips of ecstasy.
Hi, Joxer.
Sarpedon.
You ready, my beloved?
Ecstasy.
Soon, my darling, soon.
Ileandra-- I have waited so long
for this moment, I can barely--
Joxer! Hah!
There you are. Sorry.
Ileandra, my love--
I tell you from the depths of my soul,--
I love you.
I love you--
not you-- him.
Ileandra!
What is the meaning of this?!
I think its as obvious as the--
deep azure which sparkles
in my ladys eyes.
Ileandra-- has made her choice.
How dare you come between us?
Joxer, cut it out!
Gabrielle--
a man must do what a man must do.
Ah-uh.
You will not take Ileandra from me.
You fight with passion, my friend-- I like that.
Its too bad you have no skill.
This necklace--
is it a gift from you?
A trinket--
most unworthy of my Ileandras beauty.
Where?
Who are the-- Gaby?
Ow! No! Stop! Wait!
Whats the problem?!
You dare to ask me that, after giving Ileandra a gift of love?
Gift-- this?
Here-- take it!
You tangle with the wrong man, my friend.
Go home, gallant boy--
for your only crime is that you love too well.
Oh, you set me on fire.
I know.
That sucks.
Well, youve done it, Mom.
Youve managed to
mess up yet another one of my perfect matches.
How can you call yourself the goddess of love?
Oh, get a grip, Cupie!
Love isnt just about happy endings.
Theres also jealous love, and-- unrequited love,
and tragic love.
And when you strip away all the tinsel,
its really just about hormones, isnt it?
Dont frown-- itll give you lines.
No, no, no! No, look!
I dont-- I dont know whats going on--
whether its some sort of sickness or something.
But Im gonna find out.
And Im gonna take you back
to the man that you love.
Im with the man I love.
Cant you just leave us alone?
Well set the world aflame with our passion.
Dont fight the heart, Gabrielle.
Its a powerful little muscle.
I want to become one with you.
Hmm.
Cant we lose your sidekick?
Sure.
I think Im gonna be sick.
And you allowed this man to disarm you--
and steal Ileandra?
He was an excellent swordsman, Father.
Perhaps even better than you.
He must be a hired man.
Perhaps King Baris didnt favor
your marriage, after all.
He was fierce and passionate.
A man like that cant be bought.
Can you be certain of that?
We will attack at dawn.
No! Ileandra went with him willingly.
She has feelings for this warrior.
Shes made her choice.
Im not gonna stand
in the way of her happiness.
Prepare the men!
For an attack on Baris kingdom?
No, for an all-out search--
for the warrior named-- Joxer.
Yes, sir.
No one humiliates my son--
and gets away with it!
Now, lets go over this again.
I already told you--
I know nothing of this bumbling idiot
of whom you speak.
I am the one and only Joxer.
Isnt he magnificent?
Mmm.
Ileandra-- Joxer--
look! Now--
it has something to do with the necklace.
Every time it rings, you change.
How about some cold water?
This is ridiculous.
Dont touch her, Joxer.
Cut it out!
Come here.
Guys, stop it!
Ive had enough of-- oh!
Its gonna be a long night.
Oh, this is so sick!
He never needs a place to hide--
with Gaby as his sidekick.
Sire, well find him!
Sounds like a small army.
Its probably King Linius.
Hell be furious I cancelled my
wedding with Sarpedon.
Dont be afraid, my love.
Ileandras right.
Theyre looking for someone.
Now, come on--
maybe we can find another way out of here.
Youre not suggesting we run, are you?
Have you got a better idea?
Hmm-- we stand and fight.
Joxer-- I dont think thats wise.
Whatever happens-- our love will never die.
No, but he might.
Hold up!
Look no further-- I am Joxer.
Stay together!
Hes a dangerous man. Forward!
Come! Your destiny lies at the point of my sword.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Joxer, what are you doing?
Dont be a fool.
Oh, sold-- oh, oh.
Uh-oh.
Joxer!
Take them back to Amphis
Theyre to be executed for
threatening the peace.
Wait! Theyre my friends.
Youre lucky I dont sentence you to the same fate--
you harlot! Take them!
Joxer!
Up you go!
Joxer!
It was all a mistake.
Yes, and the mistake was yours.
You toyed with my sons
heart when all the while,
you loved another.
Please, King Linius,
let me try to explain.
Dont bother!
You obviously chose that...
I wont let my
son be humiliated this way!
Wow-- did you hear that?
Ileandras really in love with me.
She chose me over Sarpedon.
No, Joxer.
She chose the other one the other Joxer.
The one who just stupidly beat Sarpedon in Battle,
and then romanced Ileandra from under his nose.
Wow, I really did that.
No wonder they put me in these chains.
Theres no telling what I might do! Wow,
this warrior haze is really great.
Im gonna put myself under again.
Knock it off!
Ooh! Oww!
You cant control it, Joxer.
Youre under some sort of--
hypnotic spell, or something.
Any bell ringing transforms you.
Not just the necklace.
Where did you get it?
I dont remember.
Well, think about it.
Did anything unusual happen to you that morning?
Uhhh-- I woke up, and I ate breakfast.
After that?
Um-- um-- yeah, I, ah--
found you-- um-- guarded your rear,
met Aphrodite, had a pomegranite--
it had a lot of seeds.
- I dont like the kind with-- - Wait a minute.
Did you say you met Aphrodite?
Yeah-- she was hot, too.
Well, she must want to break up Ileandra and Sarpedon.
And shes using you to do it.
Im gonna find her.
Hey! I know what youre gonna do.
Youre gonna find a bell to ring,
so I can get out of these chains, arent you?
Hah. No, no, no.
No-- youre becoming a super-sexy
warrior is what got us into this mess.
Im disappointed in you, Gabrielle.
What?
I think youre jealous.
I can understand that.
I mean--
you wanna be the hero so bad,
you cant stand the thought of me
saving the day.
Gabrielle, theres nothing wrong with being a sidekick.
Glad you like it, Joxer.
Youll make a great sidekick.
Just-- hang in there and keep the faith.
Im not a sidekick; Im a hero!
Joxer the Mighty
roams through the countryside,
he never needs a place to hide.
With Gaby as his sidekick,
fighting with her little stick.
Righting wrongs and singing songs.
Being mightly all day long.
He's Joxer, he's Joxer the Mighty.
Oh, he's Joxer the Mighty,
he's really tidy.
Everybody likes him
'cause he has a funny grin.
Joxer! He's Joxer the Mighty!
Enter!
Do you have word of Ileandra?
Yes, King Baris.
The Princess has been taken to Amphis
by King Linius and his personal guard.
His guard?
Why did he need soldiers?
And where is Sarpedon?
Prepare my horse!
Im going to Amphis to get my daughter.
Aphrodite? Aphrodite.
Id-- Id like to talk to you.
If you can hear me--
Could you be any more clumsy?!
This is like a brand-new antique.
Aphorodite.
Youre that goody-two shoes that hangs around my boy,
Joxer.
Gabrielle.
Mmm.
Ah, Joxer is the reason that Im here.
Look, you have got to take the spell off of him--
and everybody else.
Why should I do that?
Now, Im sure theres a reason why youre doing this.
But it cant be worth breaking up Ileandra and Sarpedon.
Theyre in love.
That _is_ what matters to you most, isnt it?
Ah, gosh-- she sounds like you, Cupid.
Cupid-- can you talk her out of this?
Whats your name, little girl?
Gabrielle.
Well, Gabrielle,
when the goddess of love
decides to do something petty and spiteful,
she can be a tad difficult to reason with.
So youre going to
let an innocent man die?
Oh, come on!
No ones really innocent.
Well-- maybe you.
Besides-- I cant break the spell.
If I did, everyone would
think I was pressured into it by some mortal.
My goddess stock would plummet.
But--
I gotta bail.
Bodacious waves at Naxos. Later.
If I can get her to break the spell,
can you set everything straight again?
Sure, but--
there isnt anything you can do about it.
Oh, no.
Get those arrows of yours ready.
Hey, wherere you taking me?!
How could you do this to me, Joxer?
What?!
How could you steal the only woman I have ever loved?
I didnt mean to.
Yeah-- sure.
Thats what all you great warriors say, but
you always have to end up with the most beautiful women,
dont you? Tell me, Joxer,
whats your secret?
Well, I-- try to eat right, exercise, although, uh-- I do
get a little constipated sometimes. You know?
Having found the accused guilty of threatening the peace--
I hearby sentence him to public execution
pubishment to be carried out forthwith.
Oh, ah, ah-- listen.
Why dont we talk about this? I um--
we could have lunch.
Theres a great place right near Akmar the meat man.
Gabrielle, where are you?!
Sarpedon, please--
stop this insanity.
I dont love Joxer.
I never did.
I love you and only you.
You would say anything to save Joxers life right now.
I have seen you with him, Ileandra.
I know you love him.
No-- it was all a mistake.
Wait, wait!
I have a last request.
Id, um-- love to hear
to the sound of a bell ringing.
Call me sentimental, but, ah--
Denied!
What a gip--no last request.
Im gonna notify the executioners guild!
Off with his head!
Excuse me.
Wait! I regret--
that I have but one life to give for,
for--whatever it is Im giving it for!
Oooh! Hah!
Youve gotta work on your aim, my friend.
Perhaps you used the wrong end.
Hah-hah!
For inspiration.
Excuse me. Hello.
Im sorry.
My love, for you is still as strong.
I would gladly die for you.
Oh, youre so noble.
But, would you mind moving?
I really must watch him fight.
Enough of this play.
Are you all right? What--?
Dont even bother.
Well-- King Linius.
What an honor it is to meet a man
known as the greatest swordsman in the kingdom.
I do hope that reputation is not-- unwarranted.
Youve met your match.
Youre right.
Youre able to-- parry anything I-- throw at you--
with my left hand.
But Im right-handed, you see.
Well--
this makes it interesting.
Missed me! Hah-hah!
Take the fight into the temple!
As you wish.
Ahhh! That was scary.
Exsqueeze me!
Theres no fighting in my temple!
That was a statue of me!
Not anymore.
You can end this.
The only way to end it is to take the spell off Joxer.
Well?
Dream on.
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Not my vase from Thrace!
Take off the spell.
Youre the goddess of love.
Love is soft and gentle.
Its not violent and cruel.
You dont know much about love, do you?
I know its not war.
Now, look what theyre doing to your temple.
All the more reason
I dont wanna lose my other temples.
If you dont stop this,
Ill take Joxer on a tour of all your temples.
All right, I give.
Hes the idiot full time, again.
Where am I?
Gabrielle.
Thank you for everyting.
Youre a real hero.
Im just an over-achieving sidekick.
Remember, that love is about trust and giving.
Its not about--
anger and jealousy.
She really doesnt get it, does she?
Maybe, she gets it better than any of us.
Hey-- whered this come from?
Im sorry-- is this yours?
Goodbye.
Congratulations.
Are they afraid of me?
They are.
Oh-- No, theyre not.
Theyre disgusted with me.
Oh.
You know--
now I know what its like to be admired by
beautiful women and brave men.
Now that things are back to normal,
I know what I am--
Im a big phoney.
Thats not true.
Stop it, Gabrielle.
Youre the hero here even I know that.
I dont even rate great sidekick.
Go on back to Xena.
I dont know why Im hanging out with you guys.
I dont know why
I convinced myself I ever could.
Hi, Joxer.
Hi, Xena.
Come to get a laugh at my expense?
I cant blame you if you did--
thats all Im good for.
Gabrielle told me all about what happened.
You did some
very brave things.
Yeah, but that wasnt me.
Thats where youre wrong.
What do you mean?
The gods cant give us anything that isnt in our hearts.
Aphrodite just used what was already there.
The real Joxer may not be the best swordsman around,
but hes always had the heart of a lion.
Youre just saying that to make me feel better.
You calling me a liar?
No.
Well, then-- like I said.
Howd it go?
I cheered him up.
Good-- I hated to see him so sad.
You know-- now that he knows the truth,
I guess hell never be as deluded as he used to be. Huh!
Joxer the lion-hearted is ready for action!
Maybe not.
Joxer the Mighty;
he's very tidy.
Everyone admires him.
He's so handsome, it's a sin.
If you're in jeopardy,
don't call the cavalry.
There's a better remedy.
(Although he doesn't work for free!)
He's every man's trustee;
he's every woman's fantasy.
Plus, he's good with company.
It's Joxer--
Im Joxer the Mighty! Hah-hah!
Manu2005