你好 先生 我是杜恩·贝利 Hey, sir. Duane Bailey, running for, uh,
准备参加镇议员改选 town council reelection.
-别看 是杜恩·贝利那个混蛋 -唉 真衰 - Oh, don't look. There's that jerk Duane Bailey. - Oh, yuck.
你说我是不是该损损他 I should say something to him, shouldn't I?
实话说 我刚刚只是妇唱夫随 I gotta be honest, I was just walking off your tone.
杜恩·贝利是谁 我们为什么要恨人家啊 Who's Duane Bailey and why do we hate him?
亲爱的 他就是否决我停车牌议案的那货 Honey, he's that councilman who shot down my stop sign.
-傻大缺 -没错 - Big phony - Yeah.
你好 我是杜恩·贝利 竞选镇议员连任 Hey! Duane Bailey seeking reelection town council.
希望你能投我一票哦 Hope I can count on your vote.
好啊 我一定投你 Well, you just got it.
你不记得见过我 是吧 You don't remember meeting me,do you.
克莱尔·邓菲 上个月镇会议上见过 Claire Dunphy,last month town council meeting.
哦 当然 Oh, yes I do.
我当然记得你 Yes I remember you.
给老娘个停车牌 I want a stop sign.
开个玩笑啦 来 拿支笔吧 Just having fun. Here, have a pen.
杜恩·贝利 "Duane bailey.
[哈巴小猎犬 哈巴犬和小猎犬的杂交品种]
忠诚议员 良好市民 哈巴小猎犬爱好者 Councilman. Citizen. Puggle breeder."
我爱哈巴小猎犬 I love them.
因为那是种族大融合的产物 Because they're a different mix of breeds,
恰似美利坚合众国 just like America.
我很赞同他的话 克莱尔 I like what he's saying, Claire.
-他说的完全狗屁不通 -看这个 - He isn't saying anything. - Look at his...
我家路口需要立个停车牌 We need a stop sign at our intersection.
谁都想立停车牌 Everyone says that,
若是听之任之 But pretty soon,
我们就要"转角遇到停车牌"了 we're stopping at every single corner.
加拿大倒是停车牌遍布 在那儿开车多悲剧啊 Why don't you go ask Canada how that's working out?
-他真有才 -你好 我是杜恩·贝利 - He nailed it. - Hi. Duane Bailey.
身兼演员编剧导演 铁拳勇猛谁敢争先 "Actor/writer/director who packs a punch."
-是席尔维斯特·史泰龙 -席尔维斯特·史泰龙 - Oh, Sylvester Stallone. - Sylvester Stallone.
我先说的 I said it first.
我的天啊 Oh, my god.
这人居然带孩子来 米奇尔 This guy brought his kids, Mitchell.
让孩子看这影片 这片子可是暴力无下限啊 What, to this movie? Isn't it supposed to be super violent?
抱歉 我不是想多管闲事 但是 I'm sorry. I don't mean to overstep, but I don't know
这部电影好像有点"少儿不宜"吧 that this movie is really appropriate for children.
我都不敢看 所以我们才挑白天来 I'm terrified to see it. That's why we're here during the day.
没事 我们受得了 It's okay. We're good.
好吧 Okay.
我尽力了 I tried.
是啊 尽你所能了 Yeah. All you can do.
知道吗 我读过原著的 You know, I've--I've read this book,
知道大致剧情 的确很可怕 And I know what's gonna happen, and it's very disturbing.
我觉得 您这是自找罪受 I really think you might be inviting
想晚上做噩梦吧 some pretty serious nightmares here.
兄弟 听好 我的孩子我做主 Hey, buddy, they're my kids. I got it.
是吗 我可不觉得 Yeah, but I don't think you do.
小卡 小卡 他说了他做主 Cam. Cam. He says he's got it, all right?
你仁至义尽了 好好看电影吧 You said your piece. Just watch the movie.
是格温妮丝·帕特洛 Oh, uh, Gwyneth Paltrow.
-您真不该毒害您的孩子... -小卡 - I really must insist you not traumatize your kids... - Cam.
-不该让他们过早接触暴力影片 -别说了 - by exposing them to gratuitous violence... - Stop it. Shh!
-以及血腥影像 -爸爸 我吓到了 - and graphic depictions of-- - Daddy, I'm scared.
是啊 待会儿更吓死你 Yeah, well, you're gonna be.
我最后警告你一次 I'm gonna tell you one more time.
-不 是我最后警告你一次 -好了 - No, I'm gonna tell you one more time. - Okay.
人家看的电影是《布偶》 It was "The Muppet" Movie.
我们进错放映厅了 We were in the wrong theater.
好好看哦 我一直都很喜欢布偶系列的 Enjoy the show. I was always a fan of the Muppets,
尤其是那两个在剧场 Especially the two guys in the theater
-喋喋不休的"好人" -赶紧走 - who wouldn't shut up. - Just leave.
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翻译：阳仔 一不二 威廉 猫中之王 Pachacutec
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时间轴：菜六水 靶子 校对：小独 Ethan-泽生 后期&总监：瓜瓜
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摩 登
家 庭
第三季 第五集
-喂 -我要晚一点了 - Hello? - I'm running late.
那傻缺让我等了一个多小时 This knucklehead's kept me waiting for over an hour.
他爸当权的时候 都没让我等这么久 I never had to wait like this when his dad was running things.
是啊 Yeah.
改朝换代政策变 And soda was a nickel.
[原意为 苏打当年只买5分钱呢]
直接告诉他 你家人要来参加家庭聚会 Just tell them that your family is coming over.
那货把他老爸都给炒了 This guy fired his own father.
他才不会鸟我的什么家人呢 He's not gonna care about my family.
那你就直接走呗 Okay, then just leave.
你又不需要他的钱 You don't need his money.
每个礼拜 都有八张嘴 Once a week, I have eight family members
来咱家白吃白喝 coming to my house for free food.
我走不起 I'm not going anywhere.
行 那就回家再见吧 Okay. I see you when I see you.
你怎么了 出什么事了吗 Are you okay? What is wrong?
我真想在家自学 I want to be homeschooled.
当真吗 曼尼 你想让我"学"你英语吗 Really, Manny? Do you want me to learn you English?
到底怎么了 What is going on?
有份报告要做 I have a big report due,
但老师根本不在乎文章内容 And the teachers don't seem to care about the substance.
他们只重视花巧外表 All they care about is the flash.
曼尼啊 有时候你有点守旧 Manny, sometimes you can be a little bit old-fashioned.
还记得你第一次 Remember the first time
看见小朋友用滑轮背包时 you saw the kids with the backpacks with wheels
你还觉得太花哨 and you thought they were too flashy?
我是去上学 又不是要登机去丹佛 You're going to school, not boarding a flight to Denver.
[机场多用滑轮箱包]
真是荒谬 It's getting absurd.
雷本那篇爱尔兰移民报告 竟是说唱形式表现的 Reuben freestyle-rapped his report on Irish immigrants.
真是莫名其妙 That doesn't even make sense.
或许他可以跳个爱尔兰踢踏舞 又怎样 Maybe you do a Riverdance. Maybe.
-报告是什么主题 -黑手党 - What is your report on? - The Mafia.
太好了 我们做个冲锋枪纸模 Perfect. We do a papier-mache Tommy gun.
不 我们不搞那些花里胡哨的 Oh, no. We shouldn't have to jazz it up.
那好 我们去楼上把你的旧木马拿来 Okay, then we go upstairs and we get your old rocking horse
斩首示众 以显主题 and we chop the head off.
不 太残忍了 我喜欢布朗尼 No, that's a terrible idea. I love Brownie!
你到底想不想"杀马震师"啊 Do you want to send a message or not?
杰从不让我插手他的生意 Jay never wants me to help him with his business,
突然间 曼尼也不听我的话了 And now suddenly, manny doesn't want to listen to me either.
真让老娘郁闷啊 It's very frustrating.
老娘可是万事通 I have all the answers.
嘿 你来了 Hey! There he is.
-快进来 杰 -你好吗 乔小希 - Bring it in , Jay. How you doing, Joshie?
-还是叫我乔希吧 -请坐 - It's Josh now. - Have a seat.
那好 Ah, all right.
我大概看了一下你的方案 So I flipped through your proposal,
是这样... And here's the thing--
我们的超规模豪华复合式公寓 开建在即 We're about to build our largest luxury condo complex yet.
有个重要的问题要问你 And I have an important question for you--
你想要构筑什么 what is it you want to build?
壁橱 Closets.
你看 我指望你会说"构筑梦想"呢 See, I was kinda hoping you'd say "Dreams."
我暗含那个意思 I thought that was implied.
杰 我的壁橱可要是空前绝后的 Jay, I'm looking for closets nobody's ever seen before,
惊艳之作 You know, a big "Wow!"
明白我的意思吗 You know what I'm saying?
你追求的是上好的壁橱 You want a nice closet with sharp design,
要设计新锐 质量上乘 做工精湛 quality materials, and expert craftsmanship.
不止如此 我还要它举世皆惊 Uh, I mean, I want it to be like, bam!
大家走进来然后说 You know, people are gonna walk in there and go
"哇 先挂哪件好呢" "Whoa! What do I hang first?"
先挂了我吧 I wanted to hang myself.
谈点详细的吧 Yeah, let's talk more specific.
您的喜厌好恶到底怎样 What exactly do you like and what don't you like?
好吧 有道理 All right, fair enough. Uh...
我不喜欢谈细节 很不爽 I don't like this. This makes me sad.
我喜欢奇思妙想 I do like getting my mind blown.
你的狂热我很欣赏 I love your enthusiasm.
为免我思路偏差 不合你意 Uh, before I go off in the wrong direction,
给个例子行吗 How about an example?
好吧 听着 All right, check this out.
三周前 我去南部海滩度假 So, like, three weeks ago, I'm down in South Beach.
我走进摇滚俱乐部 I walk into this thumpin' club.
酒保问我"你要喝什么" Bartender says, "What do you wanna drink?"
我说"给我个惊喜" I say, "Wow me."
他调了杯酒 我就喝了一小口 He mixes this thing together. I take one sip,
再醒来时 我说"护士姐姐好" and I'm like, "Hello, nurse!"
护士告诉我 "你已经昏迷两天了" And she's like, "You've been unconscious for two days."
我的壁橱要的就是这个感觉 That's what I want in a closet.
我想我不需要再听了 I don't think I need to hear any more.
你干啥呢 做作业吗 Whatcha doing there? Homework?
有话快说 What do you want?
我想借点钱 江湖救急 I need to borrow some money. It's really important.
借多少 How much?
900美元 $900.
什么 What?!
拜托了 如果你遇到困难 Come on. If you were in trouble,
我会倾囊相助的 I would do anything for you.
我们是姐妹以上 We're not just sisters.
闺蜜已满啊 We're best friends.
不是我不帮 Look, I would if I could,
我是真的没钱啊 but I don't have any money.
既然话都说开了 And since we're talking,
我就老实说吧 那谁谁 I never told anyone this before, and it...
别蠢脸堆笑充市花了 ...wipe that smug smile off his stupid face.
他那张脸是够蠢 His face is stupid.
这种跳梁小丑竟能当上公务员 Oh! I can't believe ridiculous people like him end up in office.
你为什么不参选呢 Well, why don't you run?
你聪明过人 关爱社区 You're smart, you care about the community,
稍微打扮下 也蛮有红颜铁娘子风范 and you're easy on the eyes when you put a little effort into it.
-说真的吗 -是啊 - Are you serious? - Yeah, you know,
别整天穿着汗湿的运动装就行 maybe change out of the sweaty gym clothes every once in while.
我知道 你是问参选那句吗 I thought you were talking about running for office.
接着说 Go on.
说没想过肯定是骗人 I'd be lying if I said I'd never thought about it.
我知道那只是个芝麻官 I mean, I know it's a ridiculous little local thing,
但踏出家门 奉献市民 也未尝不好 but it might be fun to get out there and contribute.
再说 我觉得自己能够胜任 Plus I think I'd be good at it.
-你一定很出色 -但如何能行呢 - You'd be great. - Mm. How would this work?
孩子放学后谁照顾 I mean, who would be here for the kids after school?
谁带他们去排练 去朗诵会 Who would take them to practice and recitals
阻止他们上房揭瓦呢 and keep them from burning the house down?
"单亲妈妈"真心不容易 It must be so hard being a single mom.
克莱尔 有你老公在呢 Claire, I will.
如果你想高飞 If you wanna fly,
我绝不扯你后腿 I'm not gonna hold your feet to the ground. Hmm.
我会助力一臂 推你离地 I wanna be the one to push you off the cliff.
我决定了 I think I'm gonna do it.
很好 Great.
-飞吧 -菲尔 - Go fly. - Phil.
-天啊 -菲尔 - No. - Oh, phil!
我得承认 我就是女强人控 I'll admit it. I'm turned on by powerful women--
米歇尔·奥巴马 奥普拉 康多莉扎·赖斯 Michelle Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice,
塞雷娜·威廉姆斯[小威廉姆斯] Serena Williams--
慢着 不对[菲尔提到的都是黑人] Wait a minute.
-要吃薯条吗 -不要 我吃不下 - Do you want a fry? - No, I can't eat.
我们还不如留下来看《布偶》 We should've stayed and seen "The Muppets."
我现在一看番茄酱 还觉得满目血腥 I can't even look at ketchup without seeing blood.
漏网卷薯条 好运的象征 Ooh, runaway curly fry. You know these are good luck.
-天啊 怎么回事 -追尾了 - Oh, my god. What was that? - We just got rear-ended.
靠边停车 靠边停车 Oh, pull off to the side street. Pull off to the side street.
-你还好吗 -上牙膛被吸管划破了 - Are you okay? - Oh, I think I cut the roof of my mouth on the straw.
-我的老天 -所以说没事咯 - Oh, my god. Mm! - So yes.
天啊 Oh, boy.
真抱歉 都是我的错 I am so sorry. This is all my fault.
你们还好吗 Are you guys okay?
我嘴里受了点小伤 W-well, I-I sustained a minor mouth injury.
我们没事 谢谢 We're fine. Thank you. It's...
我真过意不去 Look, I feel terrible.
别担心 我来处理这件事 Um, don't worry. I'm gonna take care of everything.
我去拿保险单 Let me just get my insurance info.
好的 谢谢 Okay. Thank you.
这个人不错啊 Well, he seems nice.
按爱情喜剧片标准情节 You know, if this were a romantic comedy,
这就是我和他的意外邂逅 this would be our meet cute.
我们一起打发这个午后 We'd spend the rest of the afternoon
喝喝小酒 吃点小饭 drinking wine, eating food,
放风筝 此处蒙太奇慢放 flying a kite, you know, doing montage-y stuff.
我在你的电影里吗 Yeah, am I in this movie of yours?
在啊 你是我的"Gay蜜" Yeah, you're the gay best friend.
-我的天 -我的天 这货逃逸了 - Oh, my god! - Oh, my god! We have a runner!
车牌是D W Y 我看不清了 Um, it's d-w-y-- I can't read it.
-快点 跑啊 -跑去哪 - Come on! Let's go! Let's go! - Go where?
-我们得去追他 -不能这么做 - We have to chase him down! - No, we're not supposed to do that!
来人啊 拦住那辆车 Help! Stop that car!
他逃逸了 来人啊 He's getting away! Help!
马上就追到了 小卡 马上就追到了 Yeah, you almost got him, Cam. You almost got him.
他逃逸了 He's getting away!
你干啥呢 玩游戏吗 Whatcha doing? Playing?
是啊 Yeah.
你有存私房钱吗 Do you have any money saved up?
小康生活吧 I'm comfortable.
我攒了1217美元 I've saved $1,217.
不费吹灰之力 It wasn't even that hard.
别忘了带午餐 Don't forget your lunch.
谢了 老妈 Thanks, mom.
午餐钱拿好 兄弟 Don't forget your lunch money, buddy.
谢了 老爸 Thanks, dad.
那当然 You bet.
求你了 我真是急需用钱 Please. It's really important.
我是真想帮你 Look, I'd love to help you out,
可我最近周转不灵 but I'm not very liquid right now.
钱都冻在冰砖里了 It's in a block of ice.
我听说过 I got the idea
有钱人"冻结资产"的事 灵光一现 when I heard about rich guys with frozen assets.
资产啊 Assets.
我准备参选市政议员 I am running for town council,
申请表是在这领吧 and I understand that I can pick up a form here.
去4楼 Fourth floor.
电梯在大厅那边 Elevator down the hall.
碧昂丝 你怎么来这上班了 Beyonce, when'd you start working here?
又是杜恩 他老说这些俏皮话 Oh, Duane. He's always saying stuff like that.
我是杜恩·贝利 正在竞选连任 Duane Bailey. Running for reelection.
真是贵人多忘事 You're joking.
我们两小时前才在停车场见过 I just saw you in the parking lot two hours ago.
原来是你啊 Oh, hey. It's you!
怎么是你啊 Oh, it's you.
你 来这儿干嘛 What... Are you doing here?
我也要参加镇议会的选举 I am entering the race for town council,
我要和你唱对台戏 and I am running against you.
好吧 真是勇气可嘉 Oh. Well, don't you have pluck.
不 我志在必得 所以 No, I plan on winning, so...
我猜你就这么想 Oh, yeah, I bet you do.
玛莎 打扮得不错啊 爱死了 Marcia! Rocking the bangs! Love it.
你知道吗 为何世上小狗千千万 Do you know why, of all the dogs in the world,
我独爱哈巴小猎犬 I breed puggles?
我预感你是要自问自答吧 Why do I feel like this is a rhetorical question,
-接着你就要... -因为他们不光讨人爱 - And you're about to l-- - It's because they're lovable, yes,
还是顽强的猎手 不咬死猎物 but they're also tenacious hunters who won't quit
誓不罢休 until the kill is complete.
真的吗 我倒是觉得他们老是汪个不停 Really? 'cause I feel like they just yip a lot.
女士 你会一败涂地的 Look, lady, you're going down.
我六次选举一路全胜 I've won six straight elections.
我可不会输给居里闲人 I don't plan on losing to some bored housewife,
接着当主妇吧 小心失业 so don't quit your lack of a day job.
你给我站住 Excuse me!
您请等一下 Excuse me.
喂 Hello?
是安妮啊 Anne.
海莉真干得出来 Haley did that?
天啊 好吧 Oh, god. Okay. Um...
我一会再打给你 I'll call you right back.
您有必要知道 先生 For your information, sir,
我才不是居里闲人 I am no bored housewife.
我是想闲闲不下来呢 指示灯怎么还不亮 No, I-I would kill for "Bored." Why isn't this lighting up?
因为这是员工专用 Oh, it's because it's, uh, staff only.
来 请允许我 Here. Allow me to...
不为你效劳了 Not get that for you.
祝你好运 Good luck!
老爸 我把胳膊划伤了 Dad, I cut my arm.
划得够深的呀 老弟 Oh, wow. You sure did, buddy.
我来帮你处理 I'll get you fixed up.
老妈去哪儿了 Where's mom?
她现在属于人民群众了 She belongs to the people now.
我的过敏症又犯了 My allergies are acting up again.
今天你走运了 Well, it is your lucky day,
因为呢 小姐 Because, missy,
医生老爹应有尽有 Dr. Dad has everything you need.
瞧这葡萄味灵丹圣水的魔力吧 Behold the healing powers of grape flavoring.
妈妈去哪儿了 Where's mom?
她移情别"人"了 Some people took her.
喝了 Drink this.
孩子们 你妈妈现在除了家务之外 Listen, guys, your mom is taking on more responsibilities
还另有职责 outside of the... house,
不过别担心 But don't you worry.
金牌奶爸全 我的妈呀 Good old... Dad-- oh, my goodness!
对不起 I'm so sorry!
你打到我了 You punched me!
爸 你给我的是催睡型的 Dad, you gave me the drowsy kind.
过敏药还有催睡型的吗 There's a drowsy kind?!
我还要复习备考呢 I have to study for a test!
真的好痛啊 Oh! It really hurts!
-我帮你找点冰块 -别 别 别 - Well, I'll get you some ice. - No. No, no, no.
我自己来吧 I'll get it.
你总算赶上了 事情办得怎么样 Oh, you made it. How was it?
怎么了 出什么事了 亲爱的 Why? What's wrong, babe?
-我不想说这个 -说来听听嘛 - I don't want to talk about it. - Do it anyways.
那个蠢货才刚刚踏入这个行业 Uh, this stupid kid's been in the business about ten minutes.
他基本上没看我的方案 He barely looks at my proposal,
还说他想要"惊艳之作" and he says he wants more "Wow."
他所谓的"惊艳"是什么 What does he mean by more "Wow"?
是种典型"比伯式"美化说法 It's the "Bieber-ization" of America.
[水獭 音似比伯 著名正太歌手Justin Bieber]
关水獭什么事 What do beavers have to do with anything?
水獭啊 他们全国到处修水坝 The beavers--they build the dams all over the country
使美国免遭洪灾 so there's no floods,
这就是美国的水獭化 is the "Beaver-ization" Of the Americas.
我们之间的共同语言越来越少 I'm finding there's less and less we can talk about.
那你怎么不告诉他 So why didn't you tell him
你干这行经验丰富 that you've been in the business for such a long time--
说了也没用 It's not gonna make any difference.
他一心想要改革 He wants to make a change.
全工厂上下都要靠这个单子养活 And I got a factory full of people depending on this.
-不然你就告诉他 -拜托 歌洛莉亚 - Yeah, but maybe if you tell him that -- - Gloria, please.
我今天很不顺 I-I-I've had a tough day.
先不谈这事了好吗 Can we please not talk about it?
可人家想帮你嘛 But I want to help.
相信我 我倒希望你能帮上忙 Trust me. I wish you had the answers.
我能的 I do!
-各位 -外公好 - Hey, guys. - Hey, grandpa.
-你好啊 杰 -她怎么了 - Hey, Jay. - What's with her?
只是困了 青春期嗜睡 Just tired. Growth spurt.
-大家好啊 -嗨 小姑娘 - Hi, guys. - Hi, baby girl.
莉莉 你好嘛 Hola, Lily. How are you?
大爸二爸吵架了 Dads are fighting.
没有 我们没吵架 No, uh, we're not fighting.
宝贝 绝对没有 No, not at all, honey.
没吵架 宝贝 玩去吧 好吗 No. Okay, uh, go play, sweetheart. Okay?
我们玩积木去吧 堆积木去 Let's go play with some blocks. Let's go stack some blocks.
好吧 我们之所以吵架是因为 All right. Okay, the reason we're fighting
[克林特·伊斯特伍德饰演的硬汉角色]
他竟然自以为是警探哈里 is 'cause this one thinks he's dirty Harry.
真难想象伊斯特伍德穿你那样的"基情衬衫" Having a hard time picturing Clint Eastwood in that shirt.
好 我问问你 Okay, let me ask you something.
今天 有个家伙在红灯时撞了我们的车 Today, at a stoplight, a guy ran into our car,
然后肇事潜逃 and then just took off.
我想去追他 而米奇尔 I wanted to chase after him. Mitchell...
很淡定地报了警 kept a level head and called the police.
切 警察 他们不都忙着扫黄禁药吗 Pfft. Police. Aren't they too busy winning the war on drugs?
你们评评理 我们俩谁的处理方法正确 Okay, so which one of us did the right thing?
肇事逃逸 必须追捕 Hit and run. Gotta chase him down.
我成天就追着人跑 I chase the people all the time.
不不 那样既不负责任 又危险 No. No. That's--that's irresponsible and dangerous.
好吧 要是他有枪怎么办 Okay, well, what if he had been armed?
他车尾贴着希拉里的头像 肯定是个禁枪派 He wasn't armed. He had a Hillary bumper sticker.
不只这一回 This isn't an isolated incident.
今早他看布偶电影时还冲别人发疯 This morning he flipped out at somebody at the muppet movie.
你们撇下我去看布偶电影吗 You saw the muppet movie without me?
不是的 Oh, no.
宝贝 不是的 我们是进错影厅看错片了 No, honey. Just the first two numbers.
莉莉 不是的 No, lily. Wait.
大家好 菲尔 你在哪儿 宝贝 Hi. Hi. Hi. Phil, where are you, honey?
有事跟你谈 你知道咱女儿闯什么祸了吗 I need to talk to you. Do you know what our daughter did?
没啥 她很好 在看书呢 Nothing. She's fine. She's reading.
不是她 是海莉 海莉给我出来 No, not her. Haley. Haley!
-过来 我有话问你 -她在这儿呢 - Come over here. I want to talk to you. -There she is.
没缺胳膊少腿 Not a scratch on her.
你有什么要告诉我们的吗 Do you have something you want to say to us?
-这个... -让我帮你说吧 - Uh... - Mm... Let me help you out here.
伪造身份证 Fake ID's?
-什么 -正是 - What?! - Mm-hmm.
海莉想给自己和她朋友弄些假身份证 Haley tried to get her and her friends some fake ID's.
我买假身份证不是为了买酒 I wasn't gonna use them for drinking.
我们只是想去酒吧看场乐队表演 We just wanted to get into this club to see a band.
她收了他们一笔钱 然后弄丢了 She took a bunch of money from them and then she lost it.
-多少钱啊 -900美元 - How much? - $900.
-我的天 -开什么玩笑 - Oh, my god! Oh! - You're kidding me!
真不怨我 It's not my fault!
我把钱给了那家伙 他把我们给忽悠了 I gave money to this guy. He's the one who ripped us off.
你的脸怎么了 What happened to your face?
-噢 我撞门上了 -是啊 - Oh. I ran into a door. - Yeah.
-你的脸怎么了 -老爸打的 - What happened to your face? - Dad hit me.
纯属意外 It was an accident.
-菲尔 -我当时是想撕开创可贴 - Phil! - I was trying to open up a band-aid!
她怎么了 What's wrong with her?
-青春期嗜睡吧 -到底怎么了 - Growth spurt. - What's wrong with her?
-我给她下药了 -菲尔 - I drugged her. - Phil!
我不小心给她吃了夜间服用的过敏药 I accidentally gave her the nighttime allergy medicine.
好吧 先一桩桩的来 Mm. All right, one thing at a time.
海莉 你打算如何把钱还给你朋友 Haley, how are you going to repay your friends?
我不知道 I don't know.
我知道 你带上几个弟兄去找他 I know. You go there with a couple of guys--
她会把钱拿回来的 那小鬼是谁 She's gotta get the money back. Who is this kid?
是我同学表哥的朋友 他住在加迪纳 A guy at school's cousin's friend. He lives in Gardena.
知道他的老巢在哪儿还不简单 报警就是了 Well, if you know where he lives, just call the police.
不能报警 咱家现在不能有丑闻 No cops. We can't afford a scandal right now.
克莱尔要竞选镇议员呢 Claire's running for town council.
那是之前 That was before,
我以为你能照顾好孩子们 when I thought you could take care of the children.
我就一小会儿没盯着孩子 I take my eye off the ball for one minute,
他们就一个倒地不起 一个变熊猫眼 and I've got one in a coma, one with a black eye,
还有一个在组织犯罪团伙 and one running a crime ring.
说句公道话 海莉的"小犯罪团伙" Well, to be fair, Haley started her crime ring
早在你盯着的时候就已经开始形成了 when your eye was still on the ball.
那可不是犯罪团伙 It's not a crime ring.
我就是想拿回我那900元 I just gotta get my hands on that $900.
我知道黑手党一般怎么解决这事儿 I know how the mafia would handle this.
孩子说得对 我最讨厌那些小混混 The kid is right. I'm sick of these smart-ass punks
出尔反尔 乱了道上规矩 who keep changing the rules
目中无人 自以为凌驾一切 and think they can get away with anything they want.
我要去会会那家伙 I'm gonna pay this guy a visit.
海莉 把他地址发给我 Haley, text me his address.
-我和你一起去 -我也去 - I'm going with you. - Me, too.
不不 谁也不能去 Oh, no. No. Nobody's going anywhere.
咱又不是治安队的 Okay, we're not vigilantes.
带上枪 Shotgun!
不 别抄家伙啊 No! No weapons!
按我老家的传统 In my country, it is tradition
当男人出门寻仇时 when the men are out seeking vengeance,
女人们就在家喝酒 The women--they stay home, and they drink.
有时我觉得你纯粹是胡编乱造的 Sometimes I think you just make this stuff up.
-你到底要不要来一瓶 -乐意至极 - Do you want a drink or not? - Oh, yeah.
到底是怎么回事 So what happened?
你本来要去竞选 现在又不干了吗 You were running for office, and now you're not?
我不太想谈这个 Mm. I don't really want to talk about that.
我就知道 我受够不被人需要的感觉了 I know. I am sick and tired of no one needing my help.
你得告诉我出什么岔子了 You are going to tell me what is wrong,
而我会告诉你怎么解决 and I'm gonna give you the right answer,
因为我是万事通 because I have all of them.
说 你怎么又不去竞选了 So why are you not running for office?
因为我的家人缺了我不行 Because my family needs me too much.
你刚也看到我们家的各种乱子了 You saw what just happened.
你怎么又不去竞选了 Why are you not running for office?
这招对我可没用 That doesn't work on me.
你怎么又不去竞选 Why are you not running for office?!
因为 我不想输 Because I don't want to lose!
我靠 I--pfft!
我已经18年没在外工作了 I haven't done anything outside of my house in 18 years.
我不想我干的第一件事就一败涂地 I don't want the first thing I do to be a complete failure.
好吧 Okay.
我要给你讲个小女孩的故事 I'm gonna tell you a story about a little girl
她去参加一次选美 who entered a beauty pageant...
尽管她非常非常害怕失败 even though she was very, very scared that she was going to lose.
让我猜猜 你赢了 Let me guess. You won.
我当然赢了 Of course I won,
但我说的是我表妹玛丽亚·肯奇塔 But I was talking about my cousin Maria Conchita.
她鼻子大得像巨嘴鸟 She had a nose like a toucan.
非得把身体塞进比基尼里 She stuffed her body in this bikini.
最后 她光荣牺牲了 And at the end, she finished dead last.
这故事的启迪作用在哪儿 How is that a good story?
因为她直面恐惧 没被恐惧吓死 Because she faced her fears, and it didn't kill her.
她是两周后被一辆公交车撞死的 What killed her two weeks later was a bus.
有没有搞错啊你 Are you serious?
她那鼻子太大了挡视线 没看见车碾过来 Yes, because she couldn't see anything coming with that big nose.
我的竞争对手赢过6次选举 This guy has won six elections.
我真是力不从心 I am way out of my league.
听着 我不了解你那竞争对手 Look, I don't know anything about this guy,
但我知道你是个女强人 But I know that you're a tough lady,
姐姐我从小就是在女强人家吓大的 and I come from a family of tough ladies.
我必须承认 有时你的霸气绝对吓到我 And I have to say, sometimes you scare me a little bit.
所以我坚信你必胜 And I know that you're strong enough to win
就算输了也会一笑而过 And definitely strong enough to be okay if you lose.
我有吓到你 I scare you?
那还用说 Are you kidding me?
今年感恩节要在老娘家过[上季剧情] I want thanksgiving at my house!
为何人人都觉得我说话就是那样的 Why does everybody think I talk like that?
就是这儿了 This is it.
等等 别急 我们有作战计划吗 W-w-wait. No, no. Come on. Do we have a plan?
貌似没计划好吧 It doesn't seem like we have a plan.
哥有计划 那小兔崽子要是不还钱 Yeah, I got a plan. Either he gives us the money,
[原指一个双人歌唱组合]
就让他尝尝哥的哼哼哈嘿双截棍 Or he gets a private performance from England Dan and John Ford Coley.
你那算毛的好计划啊 那乐队本身就烂死了 That's not a good plan. That's not even a good band.
你要是只想唧唧歪歪 还是在车里等着吧 If all you're gonna do is criticize, just wait by the car.
好吧 Okay, fine.
等我去探监你们吧 I'll see you in jail.
你俩可得花一大笔保释金 It's gonna be a big adjustment for two of you.
-什么事 -你是皮特吗 -Yeah? -You peter?
有何贵干 What do you want?
你认识海莉·邓菲吗 你欠她900块 You know haley dunphy? You owe her $900.
-我们是来收钱的 -明白吗 -We're here to collect. -You dig?
我给她打了N次电话了 I tried to call that girl, like, ten times,
但她语音信箱总是满的 But her voice mail was always... Full.
确实挺像海莉的风格啊 That does sound like Haley.
那你打算怎么挽救啊 So how are you gonna make this right?
你们就是想要钱嘛 没问题 You guys want the money, right? That's fine.
我也不想多费唇舌 等一下 I don't need any hassle. Hold on.
我这就去取钱 I'll just... grab it.
轻松搞定 That was easy.
他倒是挺识趣 没敢动手 He's lucky he didn't put up a fight.
否则哥让他尝尝无影脚 倚天剑 加屠龙刀 I would've treated him to a reunion of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young!
[原指另一个歌唱组合]
-那小子跑了 -抓住他 -We got a runner! -Runner!
站住 站住 Stop! Stop!
站住 Stop!
别跑 别跑 No. No. No.
别跑 No.
我抓住他了 I got him!
-天哪 你做到了 -别那么惊讶 -Oh, my god. You did! -Don't be so surprised.
快帮我 他要"金蝉脱裤"啦 Help! He's slipping out of his skinny jeans.
裤子好可爱哦 我也想要 These are cute. I totally have these.
要回钱了 There you go!
你要回钱了 谢谢外公 Oh, you got it back! Thank you!
别谢我 谢你米奇尔舅舅 Hey, don't thank me. Thank your uncle Mitchell.
他才是擒贼英雄 He's the one who tackled the guy.
-我染上了光荣的草绿色 -好吧 我只能说 -I got grass stains. -Well, I will tell you one thing.
我受到了深刻的教育 I have learned my lesson.
让我的家人和朋友失望 Disappointing my family and friends
是对我最大的惩罚 is punishment enough.
装得挺像 你还是得禁闭两周 Nice try. You're grounded for two weeks.
来吧 我们有个大新闻 Okay, we have big news.
克莱尔最终决定参选镇长 Claire has decided to run for mayor after all.
谢谢 实际上只是镇议员而已 Thank you, but it's town council.
无所谓职位 反正你也赢不了 It doesn't matter. You're not going to win anyways.
但她肯定会一笑而过的 看到了吗 But she's going to be okay. You see?
我能帮助他人 I help the people.
为什么不让我助你们爷俩一臂之力呢 Why don't you two let me help you?
我不知道杰是什么原因 Well, I can't speak for Jay,
我反正是因为自尊心太强 不想求助 But I guess I'm just too proud to ask for help.
有没有搞错 你连牛排都求你妈来切 Are you serious? She cuts your steak.
那你呢 What about you?
我不想让生意上的事烦你 I don't want to bother you with my business.
那我每天还能干点啥 What else do I do every day?
我不知道 我猜大概是去健身 I don't know. I'm guessing the gym.
还有 别的啥 And... One other thing?
爸 你应该听她的 或许她能帮到你哦 Dad, you should listen to her. She might really help you.
她能帮上"大"忙呢[胸大臀大 资本"丰厚"] She could be an asset.
-"资本" -听到了 -Asset. -Heard it.
看看这些架子 And look at the shelves over here.
可以放鞋 这些都是我的最爱哦 They're for the shoes. Those are my favorite ones.
您觉得如何呢 So what do you think?
哇哦 Wow!
与之前的壁橱完全一样 Same... Exact... Closet.
想当年在农场我们不需要什么假身份证 We never needed fake I.D.S on the farm.
我们觉得如果16岁的孩子能开拖拉机 We figured if a 16-year-old could drive a tractor,
那喝啤酒肯定也没问题 当然不能一边喝一边开 He could drink a beer. Not at the same time, of course.
我们那儿是密苏里州 可不是德克萨斯 It's Missouri, not Texas.
我用假身份证去租过一部重口味电影 I used a fake I.D. to get into an "R"-rated movie--
《贝克兄弟》 "The Fabulous Baker Boys."
我发现那片名简直是误导观众 I found the title to be misleading.
女主角戏份太重 不够基情 太坑爹了 Lot of Michelle Pfeiffer-- that's all I'm saying.
我记得我也搞过假身份证 I remember when I got my fake I.D.
我也是 年少轻狂 Me, too. Crazy times.
当年我想要应征入伍 Hell, yeah. I tried to enlist in the army,
结果被看穿了 之后我就跟一帮家伙们 But they saw right through me, so me and a bunch of guys
开车越过国境线 搞到一些烈酒 drove across state lines, we got a bunch of booze.
我们边放烟火边豪饮 等我醒过来 We loaded up on fireworks, and I woke up in the morning--
不骗你们 我们居然是在一个墨西哥脱衣舞场 I kid you not-- in a mexican strip joint.
你呢 You?
我用假身份证去借保龄球鞋 然后将之据为己有 Uh, I used mine to rent some bowling shoes and kept 'em.
那帮笨蛋大概会花好几个月时间 Suckers probably spent months
去找那个所谓的理查德·赫兹博士 trying to track down Dr. Richard Hertz.
多疯狂啊 Think about it.