[percussive music]
*
[music intensifies]
*
[distant siren blaring]
[male #1] Your credit is based on various factors,
and after reviewing your history,
I'm sorry to say you've been denied.
Denied?
You--you gotta be shittin' us.
There's gotta be some mistake.
I have a mortgage that I pay on time.
- Yeah. - I understand, Mr. Vega,
but like I said, there's other factors.
You've opened up another credit line,
which you're completely maxed out on.
Look, Mr., uh, Guillermo Gomez.
My friend Bernie, this--
this is his second liver surgery
in--in six months.
We have 10 prescriptions
that we have to fill
every two weeks.
[door opening forcefully]
Nobody move!
[screaming]
Listen up!
I want everybody on the floor!
I want your palms flat on the ground!
That means you too, old man!
God damn, Frank.
Man, why don't you watch what you're doing, man?
I'm sorry, Bernie. It was an accident!
[male #2] Hey! What the hell are you doing?
It cost me $190 to refill this God damn prescription--
Oh, it cost you $190?
I want you to know that came out of my disability check!
Oh, now you gonna hold that over my head now?
I see how it works now. It's tit for tat, huh?
No, no, it's only tit for tat...
when tat actually does something for tit.
You're one ungrateful asshole. You know that?
Screw you!
Wrong move, asshole.
[dramatic music]
[grunting]
On the ground now!
[grunts]
[groaning]
Deez nuts!
[hip hop music]
[grunting]
*
[groaning]
[Bernie] Deez nuts!
*
Using only a walker and an autographed baseball,
two elderly men managed to stop a robbery in progress.
[speaking Spanish]
*
So I hope the bank ultimately gave you a loan.
Nope. But they gave us somethin' else.
A God damn certificate for a job well done.
[chuckling]
Isn't this some shit?
Look at me, man.
I'm prettier than Denzel.
Shoot.
[cell phone buzzing]
[laughing]
[beeps]
[Bernie] Who's that?
[sighs]
Rosaria.
She liking Arizona?
It's Florida. Uh--
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's--she's, uh--
She's doing all right.
Sorry, man.
No, no, it's-it's--
You know, it's wonderful, man.
I'm really happy for her.
Rosaria's got a really good job, and...
Julia's going to a much better school.
I'm really happy for 'em.
[phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
- Hello? - You cheatin' on me, Frank?
'Cause I'll be damned if you the toughest man
to get in touch with.
Carmen, mi amor.
- What's happening? - Oh, nothin' much.
Besides the fact that I'm getting married!
[squeals]
- What? - Yes!
His name is Geoffrey.
We met six weeks ago.
We fit together like molasses and pie.
I've never connected with someone like this before, Frank.
Oh, that's great. I can't wait to meet him.
[Carmen] Well, you're gonna get your chance this weekend.
- Oh, yeah? - Yup.
And you and Green Machine
are in my wedding party.
Pack your things, boys.
You comin' down to Baton Rouge.
[giggles]
[Frank] That's wonderful, Carmen.
And we would love to be there, but, uh--
you know what, right now Bernie and I are going through
some financial difficulties--
Shut your pie hole, Franklin.
You're not gonna have to pay for anything, cheap-ass.
Daddy's pickin' up the tab.
You know what, that's really generous of your father, but--
But nothin', Vega. I already emailed you
your flight arrangements. This is a paid vacation for you boys.
So pack up your damn fanny pack
and bring y'all asses down here
before I fly out there and drag you by your earlobes.
[line clicks]
[upbeat rock music]
[sighs]
*
Oh, man.
This shit don't agree with me one bit, man.
I told you, fish on an airplane.
Man, they don't mix.
[groans]
Oh, shit.
[groaning]
I gotta hit the bathroom.
[groaning]
[doorknob rattles]
Son of a bitch.
[toilet flushes]
Oh, yeah.
[mellow music]
*
Hey, little lady.
What you got for dessert?
*
[zipper zips]
*
[chuckling]
At this point in my life, I just don't have time
for relationships.
But I do have time for one-nighters though.
Are you open to one-nighters, Bernie?
One-nighters, two-nighters--
however long it takes.
*
[male #3] Excuse me, sir,
but you're going to have to return to your assigned seat.
This is my assigned seat.
[male #3] Can I see your boarding pass, please?
Come on, man. Give me a break.
[chuckles]
- It's been a pleasure. - Bye.
You cock-blocking son of a--
[pilot] Ladies and gentlemen, as we start
our descent into Baton Rouge,
local time is 3:00 PM, and temperature is
a cool 65 degrees.
[male singer #1] * Hey
[funky music]
* Oh
*
Mmm. Nothing like the smell of the Deep South.
Mmm. Is that us?
[Frank] I don't think there's another Vega/Pope in Louisiana.
Gentlemen, my name is Hung.
- May I take your bags, please? - I got this, homie.
- I--I got this. - Sir, I insist.
Shit, you can take mine.
[rap music]
After you, sir.
Boy, I could get used to this.
[laughing]
[rapper #1] * Pick the best out soon as they enter my flow *
* I'm like the US super British say, I'm still in the show *
* Like step in my lane, trust every step that I'm taking *
* I'm headed right to the top until I'm famous *
* My words are drawings you stare at in amazement *
* You pray that I fall, I'm sorry that I made it *
* Know what the state of bein' not jaded feels like? *
* Where the perception matters more than real life *
* Your dream car takes space in my yard *
* Got investments in Mars, like to shoot for the stars *
- * Look - * Oh, look at how we shine
- * This is the life - * House on the hill
- * This is the life - * Packin' no bills
- * This is the life - * Uh-huh, uh-huh
- * This is the life - * Look at how we shine
- * This is the life - * House on the hill
- * This is the life - * Packin' no bills
- * This is the life * - * Uh-huh, uh-huh
[rapper #1] * Yeah, picture this, takin' off the whole summer *
* When bill collectors call
* "You must have the wrong number" *
* Shows overseas, they got love for me *
* But best believe I'm touring Belize just for me *
* Oh, I'm getting in my grind, it's relentless *
* Forgetting how to use the word "buzzard" in a sentence *
* They all tryin' to fit in words by guessin' *
* I'm flyin' out to unknown settings *
* Oh, look at how we shine
- * This is the life - * House on the hill
- * This is the life - * Packin' no bills
- * This is the life - * Uh-huh, uh-huh
- * This is the life - * Look at how we shine
- * This is the life - * House on the hill
- * This is the life - * Packin' no bills
- * This is the life - * Uh-huh, uh-huh
[rapper #1] * Yeah, oh, look at how we shine *
- * This is the life - * House on the hill
[reporter #1] Forecast is cloudy and windy today,
with gusts up to 40 miles per hour,
the temperature dropping to 59 degrees this afternoon.
Ah. Yeah.
Oh, shit.
[reporter #1] ...with a high of 53.
With the winds from the northwest...
- Oh, come on. - ...it's currently 51 degrees.
[reporter #2] With the Washington Monument in the background,
the President has just arrived off of his helicopter...
and is coming from Camp David to spend time
with the gathering on the White House lawn.
This is a regular appearance...
[dramatic music]
Oh, Christ!
*
Hey!
[Frank grunts]
*
Gimme the purse.
Fuck you!
Click it or ticket, asshole.
[male #4] Take care of this shit.
*
[Frank] Whoa, they grow them pretty big here in Baton Rouge, huh?
[grunting]
*
All right now, big fella.
Son of a bitch.
Pow!
[growling]
*
Shit.
[growling]
Watch it.
*
[male #4] Whoo.
I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.
*
[screaming]
[groans]
*
Ooh, my nose!
Oh, you busted my nose!
[crying]
[rock music]
*
- Here you go, darling. - Oh, thank you.
You have a nice day.
*
Wow.
Carmen's parents live here?
- Yes, sir. - Yeah.
Reminds me of my vacation home.
*
[Carmen] Oh!
Oh, oh!
All right, finally!
Now we can get this party started! Oh!
*
- Oh. - Oh!
Oh!
[kisses]
Damn, you look good, girl.
[giggling]
Now, you boys had your chance.
I'm a taken woman now, okay?
[laughing]
Come on in. I wanna introduce you
to my mama and daddy, all right?
Damn, baby, if I knew you had this much money,
I would've proposed to you six months ago.
[all laugh]
Mama, Daddy, I want you to meet Frank and Bernie.
- Oh. - Oh.
Well, welcome, gentlemen.
Thank you. Pleasure to meet you.
And thank you for bringing us out here.
Yeah, very generous of you.
- Ah, it's our pleasure. - Ooh, Carmen.
You didn't tell me how handsome they were.
[Daddy] Hey, girl, take it easy.
[male #5] Hey, guys.
Oh, my goodness!
Baby, what happened?
[male #5] Oh, it was just Kyle and his buddies.
Earl, do you see this?
[Earl] Baby, just a little innocent roughhousing.
Boys'll be boys. He'll be just fine.
Son, let me introduce you to your sister's friends
from California, Bernie and Frank.
- What's up, guys? - Sister?
[Carmen] Yeah. He's my brother from another mother.
Mama had that little in vitro thing.
We think the egg and the sperm got a little mixed up.
Felt all the same to me.
[Carmen] Either way, we love us some little Ronny.
[Earl] Well, gentlemen, welcome. Now let me show you to your room.
[Bernie] My, oh, my, Earl.
This house must have cost you a pretty penny.
Didn't cost me a dime.
Say what?
It's a family estate
passed down from generation to generation.
It was given to my great-great-granddaddy
post-Civil War...
as part of the agrarian reform for black farmers.
Little did anybody know that this house was sitting on
mineral reserves, including oil,
which turned our family into millionaires overnight.
Damn. Karma's a bitch, Robert E. Lee.
[all laugh]
Ain't it the truth?
Hope you guys don't mind sleepin' in the same room.
We got a lot of guests stayin' over,
so the house is kinda full.
- Hey. - Huh?
I didn't know you were in the military.
Oh, yeah.
Spent some time in Nam many, many years ago.
I don't even know who that guy is anymore.
There we go. Everything ought to be here,
but, fellas, if there's anything else at all that you need,
please don't hesitate to ask.
What time you sending up the ladies?
[laughing]
After midnight.
Why so late?
[laughing]
Uh, fellas, I just wanna say thank you
for watchin' over my little girl while she was in LA.
It means a lot.
Carmen's a special girl.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
[cell phone buzzing]
Oh, now.
Oh, rehearsal dinner's in less than an hour.
You guys got to get dressed.
Now I took the liberty of hangin' up a couple suits
for you in the armoire.
I think we got your right sizes.
One minute.
[hip hop music]
[rapper #2] * I just do what I do
* See me, I just do what I do
* Man, I just do what I do
Do you know about me?
* I just do what I do
Let's do this.
[rapper #2] See that?
* Yeah, I just do what I do
* See me, I just do what I do *
* Yo, check, let me flip this script *
* I feel privileged by all who can witness this *
Damn. They invited the entire state of Louisiana.
Maybe they're just popular or something. Whoo!
[female #1] Gentlemen, can I tempt your palate
to some of Louisiana's finest mint juleps?
Don't mind if I do.
Wow, I've never seen a drink with a plant growing out of it.
Well, that's not a plant, sir.
Those are mint sprigs.
Very refreshing.
Enjoy.
Mmm.
Mint sprigs.
Here's to.
[both chuckling]
[Carmen] Straight outta the pages of GQ.
Damn! You boys look like fine Southern gentlemen.
Hey, baby.
[laughing]
There you go.
Girl, I can't leave you for two minutes
without someone hitting on you.
Oh, baby, I want you
to meet Frank and Bernie.
Boys, this is my Geoffrey.
Gentlemen, it's an honor to finally meet you.
You must be Frank.
Pleasure.
And you must be Green Machine.
[Bernie] Yeah. Nice to meet you.
- Congratulations. - Thank you, sir.
You're getting yourself a wonderful woman.
[Geoffrey] Oh, I know. I'm blessed.
Must've done something good in a past life to deserve her.
Isn't he cute?
[light piano music]
[Earl] Geoffrey!
- Looks like I'm being summoned. - Mm-hm.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Sweetheart.
*
Nice guy.
No one has ever made me feel
the way he does,
and I've never been happier.
What happened to him?
If you don't mind me asking.
[Carmen] He was in Afghanistan on the front lines.
He took an IED for a buddy.
I'm sorry, Carmen.
[Carmen] Nothing to be sorry about.
That man lives his life like he's standin' seven feet tall.
[laughing]
*
[string music]
*
[clinking]
I wanna thank you all for comin',
and now I'd like to say a few words.
You know, it's tough for a father
to watch his daughter grow and...
then to give her away to a stranger.
Wait a minute.
That's the speech from her first wedding.
[all laugh]
Here it is.
It's tough for a father
to watch his daughter grow,
give her away to some stranger,
get her back and then give her away again.
[all laugh]
But it makes it easier when you have a future son-in-law
like Geoffrey here. Mmm?
[applause]
Your mother and I wish you both the very best.
[big band music]
[male #6] Hear! Hear!
*
[whistles]
Okay, okay. A toast.
- A toast right now. - Yeah.
Carmen and Geoffrey,
we wanna wish you all the best
in the world forever.
May you always have happiness, love...
and you know what else-- you know that.
[scattered laughing]
*
Yeah.
*
[inaudible]
*
Mmm. Mmm.
Ahhh.
Ah, yeah.
*
[snoring]
[soft foreboding music]
*
[music darkens]
*
[snoring]
*
[men shouting]
[punches landing]
*
[Carmen crying]
*
[man groans]
Let her go!
Shut up, buddy!
Bernie!
[grunting]
Bernie!
[men shouting]
[dramatic music]
*
Bernie, for Christ's sakes, help me!
*
[police scanner chatter]
[Bernie] Hey, Frank!
Frank!
God damn, man!
How could you be sleeping at a time like this?
Huh? Ow!
[groans]
Where's Carmen?
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Somebody took her.
[chattering]
[Geoffrey] I don't know.
Like I said, we were sleeping
and they just barged in and took her.
That's all I remember.
Jesus Christ, shouldn't you all be out
looking for these bastards?
Okay, look, just calm down.
You need to understand this is
all part of the process.
I don't think you understand.
My fiancée's been kidnapped!
[Earl] Damn it, we told you.
We never heard a thing
until Frank started yellin'.
By the time we got out there, they were gone.
I want my child.
I know, baby.
Can you give us any type of description?
[sighs]
Well, I couldn't make out much
in the dark, but, uh...
they had ski masks and, uh, there was a lot of 'em.
How many would you say?
Eight, ten, maybe more.
Come on, man, how could you not know?
[Frank] Oh, maybe because it was pitch black,
and they all kept comin' at me,
and I didn't have any help, Bernie!
So now you gonna blame me for it, huh?
Okay, gentlemen.
Let's not bicker.
It's not gonna help us get her back.
You are gonna find her?
I mean, it's a pretty small town.
[male #7] 239,139 to be exact, Mr. Vega.
Just a tad bit bigger than Mayberry.
[male #8] Okay, Chief, I think we got everything here.
Follow up with, uh, Wigram on them there surveillance cameras.
I'm on it.
Chief Broussard,
I don't want the next time I see my daughter
to be on the side of a milk carton.
You hear me?
Now, I don't care what it takes
or how much money I got to spend.
You got to get her back,
and you got to get my daughter back now.
*
Telephone call for you, Mr. Morgan.
Hung, now is not the time.
He says he has Carmen.
Is he on hold?
Yes.
We got this thing tracked.
Take the call.
*
- Hello. - Let's cut to the chase,
Mr. Morgan.
Five million for your daughter.
You'll have 32 hours, upon which I'll contact you
to reveal a designated meeting location.
You mess up any of my instructions and she's dead.
[line clicks]
*
[Earl] I don't know. It could be anyone.
You know, a black man with money is not a recipe for popularity.
[Frank] You know, whoever did this really planned it out.
This was organized.
Anyone have it out for you
or been following you around lately?
Of course. I get people all the time
trying to get me to invest in businesses or sell this house.
Man, I can't believe this is happenin'.
This is my baby girl. She's supposed to be
gettin' married on Sunday.
[engine starts]
Mmm.
[Mama] Oh. We need your help. This is a small town.
We don't get too many of these types of crimes around here.
But I know you boys have experience with this back in LA.
- Uh, not exactly-- - We need your help.
We need you to find Carmen and bring her back home.
Mrs. Morgan, you have the-the-- The police are on this--
[Mama] The police aren't going to do anything.
They got their heads so far up their asses
they can't see squat.
We need you two...
if there's any hope in me
gettin' my Carmen back.
[Ronny] Guys!
Guys, look what I found by the side gate.
*
[Frank] Buford?
- Who names their kid Buford? - Let me see.
[Frank] Ronald found this on the north side of the estate.
Now, how'd my people overlook this?
Sloppiness really gives me the mal au ventres.
We'll check into it. Might be one of my boys.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Whoa--
You must have some idea who's behind this.
Let me tell you something.
This ain't Los Angeles.
This here is Baton Rouge.
We don't go in for that canaille vigilante crap
y'all be pullin' down there.
And if you even think about gettin' involved in this case--
I hear you put even one nose hair in this case--
I'm gonna lock y'all up for the rest of y'all golden years.
You gentlemen enjoy the rest of y'all afternoon.
[soft intense music]
[Bernie] Let's go get those son of a bitches.
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3] * When you hear that, when you hear that *
* When you hear that, flush 'em out quick just like Drano *
* Keep doing your thing, it's the same old, same old *
* Might blow the top off, call it volcano *
* We in the bayous, no Sandro Pedro *
* Shooting up these suckers like they're duck hunters *
* No Toyotas but they forerunners *
* Beat 'em, rabid fool, now they all doublers *
* When it goes off, isn't that how it started-da-da-da-da? *
* A daily combo running like the capo too *
* Bam-bam-bam, fire like charcoal *
* We soldiers shoulder to shoulder *
* Pura balacera till it's over *
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3] * Duck and run for cover
I'm just gonna make this clear right now.
- No running. - What?
Now, I will do all the ass-kicking you want,
but I'm not chasin' after shit.
Such a bitch.
[train whistle blows]
We're not in LA anymore.
[rapper #4] * Yeah, yeah
* Uh-huh
* Whoo, whoo
* That's what I'm talkin' about right there *
- * This is how we roll - * This is how we roll
[male singer #2] * Take you where you wanna go *
[hip hop music]
[Bernie] Whoo!
God damn kidney stone's kickin' my ass again.
You're fallin' apart piece by piece, chief.
Hey, good news, I still got my penis.
[both laugh]
Hello there, little lady.
[clears throat]
- Come on. Let's go in. - Yeah.
[male singer #3] * Three miles back in the swampy woods *
* I can still see his face
* Blood-stained clothes, covered in mud *
* Gotta get out of this place
* Runnin' through the back of the field
along the property line *
* Hiding in the reeds by the church
just trying to calm my mind *
* [unintelligible] in the swamp down in Crystal Springs *
Last time I saw this many white people in one place,
they set fire to a cross on my dichondra.
Bernie, it's good for you to get out of your comfort zone,
meet some people.
Ah, not these type of people.
[male singer #3] * Not really sure why
[Bernie] But then, Mama always said,
"Don't be so closed-minded."
[laughs]
[clattering]
[exclaiming]
[rock music]
Uh, hello, ladies and gentlemen!
We just wanna ask you...
one question.
Go ahead, Frank.
Oh, uh--yeah, we're looking for a Mr. Buford.
Does anybody here know his whereabouts?
[male #9] I do.
[Frank] Hey--
Hey, fellas. How ya doin'?
Looks like you're healing up real nicely.
[Bernie] Hell yeah. Much better than y'all did
before we fucked y'all up.
[all laughing]
[dramatic music]
Ow!
*
Take a seat!
*
[male #10] Die, asshole!
*
Ow! Ow!
[grunting]
Now...
you Q-tip-looking motherfuckers!
I'm gon' ask you one more time!
Where's Buford?
[grunts]
[gunshot]
[howling]
I said no running.
[scattered moaning]
Hey. Hey.
Mr. Buford.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
How'd you get in here without your VIP card?
[whimpering]
Now, where's Carmen?
Fuck off!
Oh. Oh, okay. Fuck off.
[screams]
[intense music]
[Bernie] Ah-ah-ah-ah!
Get the hell back.
[screaming continues]
*
[Buford] I don't know, man! I swear to God!
I ain't got access to the inner circle, man.
Landry does. Landry knows!
Where can I find this Mr. Landry?
[Buford] Downtown, man.
Up the road. It's on Seventh and Convention.
It's a big white loft, top floor.
You can't fuckin' miss it.
I really wanna thank you for your cooperation.
I mean it.
[Buford groaning]
*
[orchestral music]
*
Ronny. What's up, buddy?
Hey. I was just actually runnin' late--
No, hey, I understand.
You're a busy man. Got places to go.
He's got deals to make. I get it.
Listen, I was gonna ask you a favor as a friend.
My car's in the shop, so I'm gonna
borrow yours for a couple weeks.
Cool with that?
My car?
This week, we have family in--in town,
and--and I'm playing chauffeur.
Oh, yeah. No, hey. I totally get it.
I get that.
Listen, either you give me this car,
or I'll beat the shit out of you.
It's your choice.
Hey.
You boys got somewhere you gotta be?
Yeah.
We're all set.
Keep it moving.
[soft intense music]
*
[intense music]
*
Unless you gonna let my ass go, I don't want shit from you.
Is that any way to treat your host?
I done got you them nice white shoes to keep your feet warm.
Look, you Duck Dynasty- looking motherfucker,
if you think for one minute you gonna get away
with this shit, you dead wrong.
All right then.
I'll keep it warm for you.
[somber music]
*
Those God damn old bastards.
They just came in and roughed up Buford.
Pete. You mind taking that someplace else?
Yeah, sure.
[Broussard] What the fuck?
How in the hell Buford
let two old sons of bitches rough him up?
[male #11] I don't know. He's a God damn mama's boy.
[Broussard] I told y'all to follow them.
[funky music]
*
[elevator bell dings]
*
Man, why do all bad guys got nice places?
Same reason they all got beautiful women.
Boy, what you talking about?
They don't all have beautiful women.
[soft music]
[chuckles]
Hey, little lady.
We're here to see Landry.
Is he around?
Landry doesn't live here anymore,
so get lost.
Can you tell us where we might find him?
Get your foot out of my door.
Come on, little girl.
No sense in you acting all--
[dramatic music]
[groaning]
*
I think she loosened a crown.
Wait. Now hold it. There's no need for violence.
We just wanna talk.
Now--now--now-- now, look here, lady.
We're gentlemen. We don't hit women--
Ow!
*
Now, all we wanna know is where Landry is.
Fuck you!
- All right. - Let go of me!
I can't breathe!
Not till you tell me where Landry is.
[groaning]
Buckhead--
[gasping]
*
- Where is he? - He works at Buckheads. It's--
It's a barbecue place just outside of town.
He'll be there tomorrow morning.
Now get the fuck outta here!
So soon?
I thought we had a beautiful connection.
Aside from your foot in my kidney.
God damn. You see any internal bleeding?
Damn.
[panting]
[soft music]
*
What's up, buddy?
So happy I ran into you here, man.
- Listen, Kyle, I-- - Shh. Shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh.
Listen, I'm gonna need, like, 20 bucks or so for some snacks.
I, uh--I don't have that.
Oh, I think you do, money ball.
No, not really.
I would--I would.
Hand it over...
before I beat you senseless.
[dramatic music]
*
Yeah. All right.
*
Why don't you get a job?
Who the hell are you?
[Bernie] Friends of Ronald.
If I'm not mistaken, they're hiring here.
[Kyle] You've gotta be kidding me, right?
You got your grandpa in here to protect you?
Don't you two got some early bird buffet to hit up?
- Kyle. - Yeah, if I were you two,
I'd back the hell up right now before I--
- Kyle! - What?
[low voice] It's the Bad Asses.
[Kyle] What?
[male #12] Bad Asses. From the bank.
Oh, snap, it is.
Wow! Whoa, we are huge fans.
- Kyle. - Dad.
- What's goin' on here? - Hey, nothin'.
Just havin' a conversation with Ronny
and the Bad Asses.
You know who these guys are, right?
Yeah, we've met. Gentlemen.
Mom wants us home for dinner before 6:00,
so we gotta get a move on.
Okay.
We're all cool.
Good evening.
[soft intense music]
*
[Earl] I appreciate what y'all did,
but I can't have you interfering in my son's business.
I'm trying to steer him away from violence and threats,
and instead use diplomacy
as a tool to confront conflict, hmm?
How's that diplomacy workin' out for you?
[Earl] Just fine.
No offense, gentlemen,
but I am not a fan of your tactics.
I think there's better ways to solve problems.
Explain to me, Earl.
How do you go from bein' in the Marines
to bein' a pacifist?
[Earl] After you've seen what I've seen,
you never wanna be involved with violence again.
[wheelchair approaches]
- Geoffrey. - Hey. How you doing?
Hey, son.
I can't believe this is even happening.
Now, we got it covered, Geoff.
[Geoffrey] I can't stop thinking about what they're doing to her right now.
Calm down, son. Take it easy.
Why don't you try to get some sleep?
You think I can sleep at a time like this?
[clattering in distance]
[dog barking]
Hey, what was that?
[soft dramatic music]
*
Hey, you'll have to excuse me.
I think I just knocked over
one of Mr. Morgan's planters
on the way in.
For some reason, he's got it out for you two.
You boys need to just stay away from this case.
I have a problem stayin' away from somethin'
I know nobody's doin' anything about.
Who said nobody's doin' anything about this case? Huh?
I can assure you we are doin' everything we can,
and we'll get Carmen back.
[Bernie] That's bullshit, man.
Excuse me?
People above you are makin' a mockery
of your justice system.
Look, Mr. Vega,
I am all for what you two are about.
But my advice is just to leave this alone...
and let us do our job, okay?
*
[cell phone chimes, buzzing]
[soft orchestral music]
*
[knocking on door]
Can I talk to you for a minute?
[Frank] Sure. Come on in.
Sit down.
*
[exhales]
I just wanted to thank you for helping me out.
It was nothin'.
They just needed a little straightening out.
*
I want you to have this.
This was my father's.
He carried it around with him during the war.
It's pure titanium.
This saved his life.
Look, you can even see the bullet mark.
*
Ronald, it's beautiful, but I can't keep this.
Please.
I want you to have it.
*
Thank you.
Can I...
ask you a question, Frank?
Yeah.
Did you always have it in you to...
be a hero?
I don't know.
I'm just...
wondering if it's something you just have...
or you don't.
You've got it in you.
You just gotta be true to yourself...
and--and keep doing the right thing.
*
[Bernie] All right, now. Cut out
that Little House on the Prairie shit
and get the hell to sleep.
Shit.
[soft electronic music]
*
[snoring]
[soft clicking sound]
[squishing]
[grunting]
[intense music]
*
[grunting]
*
I can't tell you how many times she accidentally rubbed
her elbow against my nuts.
That's what they call good ol' Southern hospitality.
[chuckles]
*
Okay, now.
*
[gasps]
I promise, if I get out of this, I'm going to Jenny Craig.
*
Password. Password.
"Long beard."
*
"Moonshine."
*
You need a little bit more black pepper in there,
and then you got something.
- Okay. - What do we got here?
*
That's not bad. Needs a touch more paprika in that rub though.
Thank you.
*
What the hell'd you put in this, coullion?
Who the hell you calling "coullion," coullion?
Who the hell is you?
Where's Carmen?
*
Hold on!
You didn't answer my friend's question.
Where's Carmen?
*
"I married my cousin."
Damn!
[ringing]
*
[triumphant music]
Hello, 1988.
[grunting]
[intense music]
*
All right, cochons, who gonna die first?
[grunting]
Aw, shit!
*
[Frank] Come on. Come on, come on.
[grunting]
*
- Where is she? - You go to hell!
*
[fax line squawking]
*
[male #13] Jawn, you in there?
[banging]
*
[groans]
Okay. Now, where is she?
You go to hell, salope!
[Frank] All right!
[sizzling]
[grunting]
[panting]
Okay, now where's Carmen?
- Fuck you! - Okay.
[male #14] No, no, no, no! No! No!
Okay! I'll tell you!
I'll tell you! I'll tell you!
She's over at the compound in Greenwell Springs!
You're gonna give me the address and your car keys.
Just take 'em!
[groaning]
*
[male #15] I'll check her room!
*
Do you mind, you Peeping Tom motherfucker?
This here door wouldn't--
Just back that ass up
outta here.
[exhales]
[dramatic music]
Get me Harris.
[robotic female voice] Please enter your destination.
[Bernie] I guess fat guys with big beards also have nice trucks.
[laughs]
I don't know how to get back.
What?
I pressed in the wrong address,
and I don't know how to go back and delete it.
Try pressing "delete."
Where's "delete"?
[sighs]
On the keyboard.
[siren wailing]
There, no need.
We've got some help.
[wailing continues]
[PA speaker honking]
Whew.
Hey.
Thank goodness, fellas.
We had no idea where we were going.
[male #16] Freeze and put your hands over your head!
Hold on a second. What the hell's going on--
[male #16] Shut your mouth
and put your hands in the air!
[foreboding music]
*
[thunder rumbling]
Well, well, well.
Fancy meeting you fellas out here...
in the middle of nowhere.
I gotta tell you,
it ain't the safest place for out-of-towners like you.
You lowlife son of a bitch.
[grunts]
Try.
[thunder rumbling]
[grunting]
[thunder cracking]
[thunder rumbling]
[grunting]
[Frank] What happened?
Turns out they weren't willing
to help with directions.
[Broussard chuckling]
Well, rise and shine, Mr. Vega.
Where you taking us?
It's a surprise.
But I can tell you this much--
The view is something special.
[laughing]
I been goin' on and on,
tryin' to get you boys not to get involved,
but you wouldn't listen.
Now...
it's time to pay the price.
Look, homie,
we're gonna give you one last chance
to redeem yourself.
- Yeah. - You let us go,
and we won't kill you when this is all over.
[laughing]
What you been smokin', brah?
The jig is up.
Y'all lose.
You're never gonna get away with it.
I'm the police chief.
I'm the shit around here.
[dramatic music]
*
Here we go, gentlemen.
I'm about to find y'all a nice little piece
of private swampland to drop y'all into.
I wish you two a bon voyage.
[Broussard chuckling]
C'est la vie.
[soft dramatic music]
[clock ticking]
*
[ringing]
- Hello? - Reynolds Oil Refinery.
East gate. 6:00.
Your wife brings the money. Alone.
We see anyone else there, your daughter dies.
Hey look, now hang on one second.
Hello?
Hello!
[intense music]
*
Uh, excuse me.
I'm lookin' for Chief Broussard.
He said he'd be back in 20 minutes.
I'll wait.
[somber orchestral music]
*
[airplane taking off]
Any of you boys wanna play canasta?
We--we could use a third.
I don't know how the hell we gon' get outta this.
It don't look like they're passing out any parachutes.
Yeah--
[groaning]
[shouts]
Son of a bitch!
[groans loudly]
Bernie, you all right?
This is real bad!
He needs some help, man!
[groaning continues]
He had a liver transplant and his body's rejecting it!
If we don't hold him down, he'll choke on his tongue!
[groans]
[Bernie] Son of a--
[Frank] Come on now! We need some help!
[groaning continues]
[grunting]
[dramatic music]
[gunshots]
*
[explosion]
[grunting]
*
[grunting]
*
Night-night, homie.
Well, that's great.
You know how to fly one of these things?
[Frank] Come on. I've seen Top Gun a hundred times.
We need to figure out how we gonna land this baby.
See if there's an instruction manual in the glove compartment.
Glove compartment?
Mexican, this ain't your daddy's Eldorado! Shit!
You know what? This looks like somethin'.
Hey, hey! Jesus Christ, Vega!
You just can't start blindly pulling on shit!
[chuckling]
*
God damn!
[laughs]
My boy knows how to fly a plane!
[chuckles]
*
Okay, now. I think we need to slow it up a bit. Okay?
That's the part I'm not too sure about.
*
[Bernie] That shit ain't workin', man!
I'm trying everything!
[Bernie] Try harder, man! That shit ain't working!
[beeping]
*
[both shouting]
Slow down!
*
[shouting]
[thud]
Ah, ah, my back hurts, ah!
[rumbling]
[explosion]
- Oh, crap! - Oh, crap!
[explosion]
[rumbling]
- Oh, shit! - Oh, shit!
[explosion]
No wonder your ass is taking the bus.
You can't drive anything worth shit!
[grinding]
[rumbling]
[grunting]
[explosion]
[grunting]
[rumbling]
Ah!
[grunting]
[rumbling]
[panting]
[chuckles]
Thank you for flying Mexican Airlines.
[soft dark music]
*
No reception.
[Bernie] Where the hell you going?
I'm going to get help.
Out in the middle of nowhere?
We're probably 50 miles away
from anything, man. I ain't walking.
- Well, then stay here. - Oh, man, you kidding?
What about all these damn gators and werewolves
and all that shit?
All right, hold on.
[sighs]
Bernie, look, I ain't got time for this shit.
Now you're either coming or staying.
But you can't have it both ways.
[rustling]
What the hell is that?
[soft intense music]
*
[rock music]
[both laughing]
[motorcycle engine revving]
[dramatic music]
*
[horns honking]
Damn.
Don't matter if you're in LA or Baton Rouge.
Everybody has God damn rush hour traffic.
What the hell are we supposed to do now?
Use the shoulder, homie.
*
Security's tighter than the Ugandan Consulate.
How the hell are we gon' get in?
Why you always gotta be sweating everything?
We got this.
Yeah.
What the hell you boys think you're doin'?
Uh, lost a contact lens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's see.
Ah! Here it is.
[laughing]
Found it.
Oh, good.
You got that?
Uh-huh.
- Got it? - Yeah.
I guess we'll be going.
Freeze, assholes.
I know you.
You're those two old fuckers.
- Yeah. - That's us.
[male #17] Oh, shit!
Man, you old geezers are bad ass!
- Thanks, man. - Appreciate that.
[male #17] Yeah. We all real big fans.
- All right. - Unfortunately,
I'm still gonna have to kill y'all.
[Frank] Excuse me?
What?
You boys been trespassing.
Trespassing's grounds for shooting.
[Frank] Now look, there's no reason to shoot two old guys.
Sorry, brahs. Just doing my job.
[rifle cocks]
*
[groans]
Lights out, ho.
*
What about diplomacy, Earl?
Screw diplomacy.
*
Now let's go get my daughter.
*
Any ideas?
That one.
[chuckling]
[soft intense music]
*
[loud clank]
*
How the hell we supposed to know where she is?
*
Something tells me we've found her.
Any suggestions?
Not one.
[gunshots]
[male #18] Get down there!
[Earl] Let's go.
*
Damn, Earl.
[gunshots]
[dramatic music]
*
Well, hell, it's about damn time.
You know how he likes to make an entrance.
[Carmen] Daddy! What are you doin' here?
[Earl] What do you think? You okay?
Okay, now hey, we gotta get outta here. Now!
You're gonna need this.
[cocks gun]
Let's go get those motherfuckers.
[rapper #5] * In time of war my front line *
* I'm in fatigues, let 'em know that it's go time *
* Never fall back, don't fall behind *
* Never be blind, read between the lines *
* Never testify, never suicide *
* Never dislike, never show your cries *
* 100 by here, do it on the fly *
* We ain't perfect either, but Lord knows we try *
* Take actions, reactions, ain't no right *
* Gotta come out blazin' in the heat of the night *
* Be ready for war or be ready to fall *
* You best be careful what you askin' for *
* When it rains, it pours, kill the source at the core *
* Suited up in fatigues 'cause we ready for war *
* If you ain't ready for war you won't be ready for more *
* You best be careful what you asking for *
* When it rains, it pours, kill the source at the core *
* Suited up in fatigues, 'cause I'm ready for war *
* And then the nation drawin' forces like a congregation *
* Ain't no way you're holding back to the day you make it *
* Always gotta try and prove yourself, demonstration *
* Try to cut 'em up real quick like a Haitian *
* Show no fear here when it comes to complications *
[gunfire]
Shit!
[gunfire]
[soft music]
[men groaning]
*
[Bernie] Take that, bitches!
[chuckles]
[Geoffrey] Very impressive.
[cocks gun]
Drop your weapons.
[dark music]
Drop your weapons!
[dramatic music]
*
Geoffrey, what the hell are you doin'?
I know this is all quite confusing.
But the truth of the matter is,
the plan got derailed a bit by your boys here.
Geoffrey, if this is your way of eloping,
you should've came clean before my daddy
started signing checks.
Can't get a deposit back now.
I always loved your sense of humor.
Hey!
Put the gun down.
I'm not going to hurt her...
unless somebody tries to play hero.
Now, move into the other room.
Now!
*
You too, lovey.
Off you go.
Who are you?
[dark music]
You had no intentions of marrying her, did you?
It's not that she's not a wonderful young lady.
And if the circumstances were different, who knows?
But this is a business opportunity
that my cousin and I couldn't pass up.
Your cousin?
As in the police chief?
[Geoffrey] Yes.
You would be correct, Mr. Vega.
Pretty sharp you are.
Just leave my daughter with us.
I'll see that you get your money.
Oh, I wish I could take you up on it, Earl,
but for some reason I don't believe you.
In addition, we've got big plans for Carmen
to help us get out of the country.
You son of a bitch!
Calm down, Earl.
We're gonna get you.
I highly doubt that, Mr. Vega.
[grunting]
You see, this is the end of the line for you lads.
[laughing]
With that, I must wish you a heartfelt goodbye.
Lucas!
Come on, lovey.
Off we go, lovey.
[shattering]
[grunts]
Oh, shit.
[grunting]
[intense music]
*
[shattering]
*
[coughing]
*
Looks like we gon' have some barbecue tonight.
I hope they like dark meat.
It's too tight. They're too tight.
Come on, my man, you gotta have somethin'
in that fanny pack of yours.
My hands are tied.
We're screwed, fellas.
No way out of this one.
[coughing continues]
"Hey, come on. Let's go to Louisiana."
Yeah! "A little vacation, get away from it all."
Oh, now it's all my fault?
[Bernie] You bet your ass it's your fault.
Can't you ever take responsibility for anything?
[Bernie] Yeah. If you hadn't pushed us out here, I wouldn't have been--
[Earl] Enough!
Can't a man even die in peace?
[coughing]
[somber music]
*
I'm sorry, man.
No.
[chuckles]
It was a good ride.
[chuckles]
- It was, huh? - Yeah.
[coughing]
*
[wheezing]
*
[engine revving]
[explosion]
[dramatic music]
Hey, do you guys need a lift?
It's Ronny! What the hell?
*
Get in the truck! Get in the truck!
[coughing continues]
Come on, go!
*
[dark music]
*
[explosion]
[dramatic music]
*
[Earl] You saved our lives! My white baby boy!
You saved our lives!
How did you know we were here?
I didn't. I hid in the back of the car.
[Earl] And that gives us exactly 22 minutes to make it
to that Reynolds Oil Refinery
before Mom makes the exchange.
- Twenty-two minutes? - You got it.
[Ronny] That place is 45 minutes away.
Then you better step on it, kid.
[engine revving]
*
They're gonna have a whole damn army with them.
We're gon' need some help, man.
Ronald, give me your cell phone.
*
[boat horn blowing]
[dark music]
[car approaching]
*
Geoffrey?
Hello, Lois.
I know this isn't what you expected,
but if you'd just hand over the money...
I'll get you Carmen.
[muffled screaming]
You scum-sucking pig.
Hand over the money.
You go screw yourself.
[laughing]
*
I admire your courage,
but it's not worth it.
Not giving you nothing till you hand her over.
Suit yourself.
[gasps]
[horn honking]
[gasping]
[gunfire]
[dramatic music]
[groaning]
*
Let's kick some geriatric ass!
*
[grunting]
*
[Lois] Oh! Earl!
Come on. Get out of the car.
[Lois] Earl!
Earl, are you all right?
Yeah. You done real good, baby.
[Earl kisses Lois]
Whoo! Look at this! Baby boy to the rescue!
Oh, I'm so happy to see you!
Ohh, ohh!
Damn cops are late even in Louisiana.
[siren blaring]
*
Hands in the air!
*
Jesus Christ there, Geoffrey.
[groaning]
How the hell you let this thing get this far out of hand?
Son of a bitch.
I believe this belongs to me.
Hey! Oww!
*
[Broussard] Mr. Vega.
You done gone and messed everything up.
And now...
everybody's gonna have to die for it.
Starting with you.
[cocks gun]
You bad ass.
[Pete] Freeze!
[guns cocking]
Drop it, Julius!
Oh, Pete. Now, what you doin' here?
It's over. Drop the gun!
[Broussard] Boy, you done got yourself into somethin'
way above y'all heads.
Now if I was you,
I'd go on, go back home,
take your little boys with you.
Put the gun down, Julius!
*
Put your hands above your head! Now!
That's not gon' happen, boy!
Best step the hell off,
'cause I'm about to--
[gasping]
Get the fuck back.
Get the fuck back!
Hell no!
God damn!
[grunting, groaning]
[gunshot]
[groaning]
*
You shot my fanny pack!
*
[shouting, cheering]
[soft music]
*
- Frank! You okay? - Yeah.
God damn! That fanny pack saved your life! What?
[laughs]
[Frank] It was Ronald's watch.
It take a lickin' and keep on tickin'!
[laughing]
Damn, Green Machine!
Is that you or a lead pipe in your pocket?
[groans]
*
Stay down, bitch.
[all laughing]
[mellow music]
*
Well, I guess that's about it.
[Carmen] Oh, come on, boys.
You sure you don't wanna chill out here
a few more days?
We'll make it worth your while.
Well, we'd love to, but Bernie's got a doctor's appointment
first thing tomorrow morning.
[Carmen] All right, then.
Bring it on in for the sweet thang.
Oh, oh!
You have no idea how grateful I am to both of you.
- Thank you so much. - You're gonna be all right.
[Carmen] Hell yeah. Who needs another man when I have you two?
[all laughing]
[Lois] You know, you boys are welcome here any time.
[laughing]
[clears throat]
[Earl] You got about five more minutes before you hit the road.
Can I borrow you two a moment?
[Bernie] Yeah. All right.
I'm deeply indebted to both of you.
You brought my child back.
Words can never express how much I appreciate that.
But you gave me somethin' else.
For the first time in 30 years, guys--
30 years--
I feel alive again.
And because of that, I've found my true purpose.
I wanna bring justice back to those places
that have been completely drained of it,
and I wanna do it with the two of you.
Think of it as three old guys kickin' ass.
*
Sounds like a great idea, Earl, but--
Yeah, yeah.
You know, Bernie and I
have other responsibilities.
Oh, Frank, I'm aware of that.
I know you got your community center,
and of course Bernie's got his liquor store.
I'm not asking you to give that up.
Look, I wanna make it as easy as possible for both you guys.
I will fund the entire operation,
and I will put the both of you on salary.
That way you won't have to worry about paying your bills,
especially those medical bills.
You serious, man?
As a liver transplant.
*
So what do you say, guys?
[music intensifies]
You ready to clean up this country?
[hip hop music]
*
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3] * Duck and run for cover
[laughing]
Oh, Bernie.
There is more to you than meets the eye.
I must say, I'm intrigued.
As am I, Kate.
As am I.
- Mm. - Mm.
[male #3] Excuse me, sir, but you're going to have to return
to your assigned seat.
[R&B music]
*
[laughing]
*
[male singer #4] * Ooh, I'm just playin' the game *
* We all in here tryin' to make it out *
* We tryin' to escape, but these streets won't let us go *
* There's got to be a better way now *
* I've got to go find out
* 'Cause I, 'cause I can't keep playin' *
* These streets won't let us grow *
[rapper #6] * Gotta find a way, searching for them better days *
* Even under pressure I'm ahead of where to fade away *
* Shining like the lights of Vegas up in Mandalay *
* All you got in this life is your family *
* LA to Houston, Philly to Brooklyn *
* Going back and forth in this game like Ping-Pong *
* Big Tank boss, I'll get 'em while I'm gooder *
* See more crack in the slums than a plumber *
* Line us with the bread, slick with the butter *
* But the streets is hotter than an Arizona summer *
* Black, brown, minority normally *
* But we just can't win against authority *
* Unless we realize we the majority *
* And we can change that history *
* My story, your story, many stories *
* Walk through hell just to get to the glory *
- * Yeah - * Ooh
* I'm just playin' the game
* We all in here tryin' to make it out *
* We tryin' to escape, but these streets won't let us go *
* There's got to be a better way now *
* I've got to go find out
* 'Cause I, 'cause I can't keep playin' *
* These streets won't let us grow *
[rapper #6] * If I had wings I would fly *
* Blowing cush in a mile
* See the judge but never testify *
* I was tryin' to make it out the ghetto *
* Terrified from the world
* So Hollywood Boulevard
* It's the same everywhere no matter who you are *
* All around the world poverty strikes the poor *
* Rich stay rich, gotta kill it at the core *
* Need I say more?
* Dreams are cut short, news will report *
* Son slayed on the porch
* Drugs import and then they export *
* The core buys more and they rarely can afford it *
* Live check to check and workin' 9:00 to 5:00 *
* Struggle day in, day out, no lie *
* Tryin' to do better, Lord knows I try *
* Only way to make it is if I supply *
- * Damn - * Ooh
* I'm just playin' the game
* We all in here tryin' to make it out *
* We tryin' to escape, but these streets won't let us go *
* There's got to be a better way now *
* I've got to go find out
* 'Cause I, 'cause I can't keep playin' *
* These streets won't let us grow *
* Won't let us grow
[hip hop music]
*
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3] * When you hear that, when you hear that *
- * When you hear that - * Bang
* Duck and run and hide, yeah
* You better look for cover
* Carry a lethal weapon
* And I call it Danny Glover
* Its favorite saying is "blucka-blucka-blucka-blucka" *
* A bad mother-- no time for any suckas *
* Fly out from out of town, oh, yeah, it's goin' down *
* Travel at the speed of sound, can you hear me now? *
* We ain't in LA no more, we up in Baton Rouge *
* These sucker fish, they ain't got no Blue's Clues *
* Esperan este for real, they ain't got suficiente *
* We armed to the teeth, no importa lo que sientes *
* Automatic spray, no fear in my face *
* All my soldiers yelling out
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3] * When you hear that, when you hear that *
* When you hear that, flush 'em out quick just like Drano *
* Keep doing your thing, it's the same old, same old *
* Might blow the top off, call it volcano *
* We in the bayous, no Sandro Pedro *
* Shooting up these suckers like they duck hunters *
* No Toyotas but they forerunners *
* Beat 'em, rabid fool, now they all doublers *
* When it goes off, isn't that how it started-da-da-da-da? *
* A daily combo running like the capo too *
* Bam-bam-bam, fire like charcoal *
* We soldiers shoulder to shoulder *
* Pura balacera till it's over *
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
- * When you hear that - * Bang-bang-bang
- * Duck and run for cover - * Bang-bang-bang
[rapper #3] * When you hear that, when you hear that *
- * When you hear that - * Bang
*