- This is the Rockin' Roger Morning Show, late-night edition.
CMJ is almost upon us,
so if you like your live music -
and l know that you do -
you'll wanna get your wristbands before it's too late.
And speaking of too late, it's never too late to say you're sorry.
And right now, l wanna dedicate this next song
to all the lovely ladies in Rockin' Roger's rock 'n' roll past.
And, ladies, if you're burning and itching,
you might wanna see a doctor - immediately.
(mid-tempo rock music)
(distant sirens)
Time is ticking It's almost done
What we hated we've become
By the pricking of my thumbs
Something wicked
This way comes
I'm coming to get you
Ηigh
I dropped the needle
Pick it up
Don't you worry
You're old enough
Times are changin'
So am I
Τimes are wastin'
It's time to die
I'm coming to get you
Ηigh
- That's not what l'm saying, Joey. - What are you saying, Jeff?
- l'm saying that you should be firing me.
- So you're quitting. - l'm not quitting.
Why do you keep saying that? l'm not. No, what l'm saying is,
as your manager, l am advising you to fire your manager.
That's all l'm-- - Okay. l can't fire you.
CMJ's in 1 0 days. You said we had a showcase gig
with industry insiders and A&R guys--
- Movers and shakers, right. Was l drinking when l said that?
- You're always drinking. - See? You should totally fire me.
(sighing) - Montreal, land of Hugo's birth.
Many women will be very pleased to hear of my return.
- Yeah, no matter how long you go away,
you always come back. You're like herpes.
- Hugo's not like herpes. - Hugo's a lot like herpes.
- No, he's not. - Very similar.
- Where's Joey and Jennifer? - Joey's talking to Jeff,
Jennifer's talking to some scary guy. - Pfft! What scary guy?
Oh. He is kinda creepy.
- Yeah, he is.
- Let's just face it, Joey. We're both getting
a little long in the tooth. - What the hell does that mean?
- All right, here's your beers.
- Oh, we didn't order these. - Oh, no, no.
lt's, uh... it's on the house.
- Well, thank you very much. - Yeah, not you. You have to pay.
- 'Course, yeah.
Hang on. One second.
(humming) Okay. How much is it?
- That'll do, thanks. - Oh. Uh, twen...
Twenty. That's nice for free beer.
Hey, you know, l know how you're feeling, though.
You're getting old. Hmm?
l'm getting old. Rock 'n' roll is getting old.
Have you considered, uh, Japanese hip hop?
- Ja... l'm not Japanese.
- Mm... yeah. No, l guess it's not really right for you.
Βut it's a shame, 'cause it's gonna be huge.
(cellphone ringing) Oh, sorry. Hang on a sec.
Konichiwa.
You know what, Joey?
l'm gonna have to take this, uh... outside.
And then l'm gonna have to go home.
Okay. (speaking Japanese)
(background laughter) - Hey, have another round.
- Uh... thanks.
- lt's tough watching a weasel like that crush another man's dreams.
A man's gotta have his dreams.
- Yeah. l should get back to the band. Thanks.
- Βand can wait, Joey.
- l know you? How'd you know my name?
- Oh, l can read your mind.
- Wow. What am l thinking right now?
- You're thinking: This bartender is crazy.
(Joey chuckling) - You're good.
- You're afraid of being a loser the rest of your life.
Too late for you, too late for the band...
l would say you're 30 pounds ofjunk food and a retail job away
from killing yourself.
Just a guess.
- Thanks for the drink.
- So how'd it go with Jeff? - Uh, great. You know, great.
He's really excited about the New York show.
Says there's gonna be a lot of industry insiders,
movers and... shakers. - Right.
So what hotel are we staying at tonight?
- lt's such a nice night, l thought we'd save some money,
sleep in the bus. - No.
First of all, it's not a bus, it's a hearse. And--
- Whoa. We're sleeping in the hearse tonight?
- Just for tonight, okay? - That sucks.
- Could you give us a second, please?
- l've given you 1 0 years. Now l gotta sleep with Hugo?
- Look, l'll meet up with you guys in the morning, okay?
l'm going out with some friends.
(eerie music)
- That is a friend of yours?
- Oh, l'm sorry, is that any of your business?
- Yeah, he looks like a junkie from hell, for Christ's sakes.
- Don't you have a girlfriend? - This is about the band!
- Yeah, it always is.
- We have a six-hour drive tomorrow, Jennifer.
- Yeah, and l don't wanna sleep in the hearse.
The hearse smells like drummer. - l heard that.
- l'm going to a party. - Fine.
Βut we're leaving at noon tomorrow,
with or without you.
- Fine. l'll see you then.
- Fine.
- Huh! - Wait.
lf you're going to a party, give these out--
(Jennifer huffing) They got the new... website on them.
- Maybe you should go with her. - She can handle herself.
- She didn't invite you, huh?
- Can we load the gear, please?
- Yes, Joey, we can.
- Don't touch me.
(heavy goth-rock music)
(goth-rock music)
Ηas the terrible danger
Τhat surrounds us
Become like a drug
Are we more like strangers
In a glasshouse
We're rich with the blood
Ηow can you leave the black out
You're only flesh and bone
Flesh and bone
(music continues)
When a blanket of winter's all around us
We have to stay warm
When there's no one there
You can count on
You have to transform
Ηow can you leave the black out
(music fading)
(birds chirping)
- Well, this sucks.
- Where is she? - She probably hitched a ride
with The ltchies. - She'll be here. l know women.
- We're gonna miss sound check. - l hope she's okay.
- She's okay. She's always okay. She just doesn't care.
This is why l broke up with her. - She dumped you.
- Yeah, for being an insensitive prick. Her words, not mine.
- Screw it. Hugo, you're on bass. Let's roll.
(rock music)
Every time I turn around
There's people letting me down
And everywhere that I go
Well no one ever wants to know
Look I'm tired of the scene
Living such stale dreams
I don't wanna get involved
No I just wanna be dissolved
It's the same old thing I see there's nothing in here
It's the same old place Is this a feature of the world
It's the same old thing Every time I turn around
It's the same old daze And everywhere that I go
It's the same old place (man): Copy that.
Could someone tell Susan she has visitors?
(slow bossa nova music)
- Hi, honey.
- What are you doing here?
- You look good.
- What are you doing here? l'm working.
- Yeah, l know. Um...
we hit a little snag.
- You want money.
- Why... why are you being like that?
- You don't want money? - Yeah, l want money,
but there's no reason to be cruel and weird about it.
- l am not being cruel and weird.
- Yeah, you are. You're being cruel and weird,
making me feel like total shit. - l can't do this right now.
- Neither can l. - Fine. Then leave.
- Fine, l will. Thanks. - Fine.
- Are you. . . coming to the show tonight, or...?
- Will Junkie Slut be coming?
- No. As a matter of fact, Jennifer won't be joining us.
We left her in Montreal.
- Maybe l'll come.
Where are the rest of the retards, anyway?
- Oh, your friend with the headset said that they could...
(all): Hi, Susan.
- They're really hungry,
what with us having no money and all, but it's cool.
You're working and l should go anyways.
(man): Okay, let's get first team in. - l gotta go.
- Okay. lt's okay.
- There's about 1 00 bucks in my purse,
in my room. Just take it.
- l'm ashamed. - Yeah, you should be.
- Okay. - And Joey...
- Yeah?
- Put me on the list tonight.
- l... l will.
For sure. Okay...
l gotta go.
(woman): Final touches!
(up-tempo rock music)
(bass out of tune)
- That sounded super.
- We cool?
- No, but thanks anyway.
- That sounded like shit.
(celestial rock music)
- Jennifer?
Well, uh, you look... different.
- l'm not different. l'm the exact same person.
- No, l-l-l just meant, like, your hair and your--
- Nope. No, l'm the same old Jennifer. Nothing different here.
- Okay... How'd you get here?
- l hitched a ride with The ltchies. - Where are they?
- Oh, they should be here... soon.
Unless something terrible happens to them.
- What? - They said they couldn't make it.
- Okay, l don't understand.
They drove you from Montreal to Toronto and then decided not to play?
- Yeah, they're totally crazy. - Who cares? They totally suck.
- Welcome back, Jen. - You were missed.
- You look different.
(soft eerie music) (bird cawing)
(creaking) - Εddie Van Helsing?!
- Where's ¤ueeny? (snarling)
- Soon it will be dark again.
(roaring)
Kill me.
- lt doesn't have to be like this. You can be saved.
Just tell me where the queen is, and l'll let you live.
- You can't save me, vampire hunter.
You couldn't even save your own woman.
(gurgling)
- Βurn in hell, Nosferatu.
- Well, there has to be some mistake. l'm the singer's girlfriend?
- Sure you are. - What's that supposed to mean?
- lt means 1 0 bucks.
- Look-- - Hey, aren't you that girl
from Space Raiders? - Yes.
- You can totally afford 1 0 bucks. The money goes to the band.
- Let me in the fucking club.
(rock music)
Don't know how to begin
Open road is closing in
We're getting ¤ar
From where we've been
And where we're going
And where we going an¤ay
Don't know how to e¤plain
Open road's e¤pecting rain
We're getting ¤ar
From where we came and where we're going
And where we going an¤ay - Oh.
¤oing nowhere
Coming down
¤oing nowhere
Coming down
(rock music)
(music fading) (gasping)
(blues music) (groaning)
(coughing)
I went to the crossroad
Fell down on my knees
(blues guitar)
I went to the crossroad
Fell down on my knees - Oh, hi, Joey.
- You! What the hell are you doing here?
Wait. What the hell am l doing here?
Wait... Where the hell are we, man?
- Well, clearly, we are at a crossroads in your life.
- What?
- We don't have a lot of time. No, you don't have a lot of time.
l, on the other hand, have lots.
- That's great. Um...
how do l get out of here?
- You have a decision to make, a tough one.
Βut l think if you look all around you, the answer's right in front of you.
- And who are you, my fairy godmother from hell?
- No, it's not who l am, it's who you are.
(blues music)
- Who are you, man?
What the hell's going on?
Didn't nobody seem to know me
Who are you?!
- l'm Hugo!
- Hugo.
Ah, shit, my head! - Yeah, Susan hit you with a bottle.
- She what? - Hey, he's alive.
(Joey groaning) - What the hell was that?!
(groaning) - What?
- Whoa, she clocked you pretty hard. You've been out for a while.
- l have? - Did you notice an¤hing different
about tonight's pe¤ormance? - What do you mean?
- Jennifer. Did you see that?!
- Sorry, Tyler, l'm a little distracted about my girlfriend
throwing a beer bottle at me. - l think it's pretty safe
to call her your ex-girlfriend now. - We're talking about Jennifer?
- Ah! What the hell? - Ugh!
- How are you doing, guys?
Nice set.
- Thanks. What's with the, uh, flashlight?
- lt keeps the dark away. - At least you're not a cop.
What, are you afraid of the dark?
- We should all be afraid of darkness.
- l'm afraid of spiders.
They are... no good.
- Huh.
Um...
l really like your bass player. She around?
- Haven't seen her. Where's Jennifer?
- l don¤t know. She said she was really hungry.
- She went to get something to eat. - Oh, shit.
l didn't want to hear that!
Oh, ¤od... - That was weird.
- l'm telling you, man,
something really strange happened tonight.
- What? - People were really receptive!
- That's not so strange, Tyler.
l've been trying to channel a lot of shit in my life
into our shows lately-- - Not to you. To Jennifer.
You were unconscious at the time? We got an encore!
- Huh. We did? - Yeah!
Things are finally starting to work for us, man!
l cannot wait for Βuffalo! - Oh, Βuffalo.
- No. - l promised Βeef one more show.
- ¤oddammit. - Hey.
- What? - Find Jennifer. Now.
- Je... l... Βut... (sighing)
(music)
Try as I might
Shadows are forming
Night a¤er night
What can I do
Baby when you come home
I'm never gonna let you leave me
Alone
Without my man
Lo¤ knows I'm doing
Τhe best I can
Ooh I know my man
Works for a living
I know my man
Ηe works for me
Ooh I know I will
Always forgive him
All I can say
All I can see
Baby when you come home
I'm never gonna let you leave me
Alone
Without my man
Lo¤ knows I'm doing
Τhe best I can
I'm still alone
Without my man
(hard rock music)
Change has come
Change with me
(tires screeching) (hard rock music)
Whatever's meant to be
Will be
Whatever's meant to be
Will be
Ηey little girl
You're all...
¤ight
If one of us goes fu¤her
We ain't never gonna make it
¤ake it back
Yeah baby
If one of us goes fu¤her
We ain't never gonna make it ¤ake it back
Yeah sugar
- Hey, we got 1 0 comments on the website.
- Really? What do they say? - They're from the Toronto show.
Βob779, he says, "The bass player is totally hot."
- Hey, that's... that's positive. - Hey, they're all about Jennifer.
- All... all of them? - No, wait, there's one about you here.
"The lead singer of The Winners should step down
and let the real star--" - Yeah, l get it. That's good.
- l think l'm gonna be sick. - That's perfect.
We're not gonna get across the border with a junkie.
- Εve¤ne be cool. We're here.
- We're going to the jail. - Shut up.
- ¤ood afternoon, sir! How are you?
- Pull over to the side, please, sir.
- Certainly. ls there some sort-- - Are you dea¤
Pull it over now!
(door opening)
Leave them for me.
(border guard humming)
Passports.
Okay.
Well, girlies...
... any drugs in the vehicle?
- No. None.
- What about you, miss?
What's your citizenship?
- We're Canadian. She's an American--
- Am l speaking to you?! Huh? - No, sir.
- Miss?
(in deep, demonic voice): American.
- Are you under the influence of any narcotics, miss?
- Huh?
- Wanna lose the glasses?
- l, uh... l'm a bit... l'm sensitive to the light.
l had a bit too much to drink at the gig last night. Ahem.
- ¤ig?
Are you in a band? - Yeah.
- Sweet! l used to play in a band!
- Really? What kind of stuff did you-- (vomiting)
- Takes me back. Rock on, dudes.
Have a good one.
- Thank you.
- 'Morning, sir.
Citizenship?
- American.
- What was the purpose of your trip to Canada?
- Uh... yes...
Hunting.
- Any weapons in the vehicle, sir?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, lots of weapons!
- Welcome home.
- l just need something to calm my stomach.
- Yeah, we're gonna miss sound check.
- l have to make pee.
(Βeethoven's Moonlight Sonata, soft flamenco version)
(music stopping) Hey, l have to make pee.
- There you go.
(music resuming)
- How you doing?
- l'm thirsty.
- Maybe l can buy you a drink.
l get off at 4 a.m.
- l'm thirsty now.
- l got a drink right here.
You wanna suck?
- Yeah.
Yeah, l do.
(screaming)
(hard rock music)
(screaming) (clerk gasping)
(heavy rock)
(music stopping) - lt's not just me, man.
Εveryone hates Βuffalo. - What's so bad
about playing in Βuffalo? - The Secretaries?
- Who? - The Secretaries of Steak?
lf you wanna play Βuffalo, you open for The Secretaries.
- And they're bad. - Yes. Βut that's not why we hate them.
Their fans are rabid.
They pelt the opening act with an assortment of raw meats.
- Meat? Like... like real, really real meat?
- Yeah, like real, raw, bloody meat.
(zipping up) (flushing)
- lt's not what it looks like.
(screaming more softly) Don't be scared.
- You... drank the guy!!!
- l know. Hugo, l'm sick.
l have...
l have a sickness. l can't help myself.
You have to help me, Hugo.
- Help you what?
- l need you to dismember this body and hide it.
- Okay, this is stupid. Where are they?
- Maybe there's a line. - There's no other cars.
(harp music)
- Ah... Hey...
l had dream you were like... a monster.
- Monster? Hugo, that's silly.
l'm not a monster. (Hugo laughing ne¤ously)
(ominous music) (in demonic voice): l'm your master.
And you have a lot of cleaning up to do.
- ¤uoi?
(screaming)
- Shhh! Stop screaming!
- You're gonna eat Hugo?
(in normal voice): No. No, l'm not.
l'm not gonna eat Hugo. l'm gonna help Hugo.
And Hugo is gonna help me.
Listen, it'll be fun. Okay?
And then, if you do a good job,
l'll make you an immortal at the end of the tour.
- You mean like...
Hugo live forever?
- Or Hugo will die in five seconds.
- l'm going to need my hacksaw.
- l brought it.
- Oh.
- Okay, that's it. l'm going in there.
- Hey, guys.
All right, here's...
your sandwich,
your juice,
your chips,
and Pepsi.
- Wow, you're feeling better.
- l had some antacid. Calmed my stomach down.
- That's a relief. Where's Hugo?
- He'll be any second. He, uh, got a nosebleed.
- Hugo doesn't do drugs. - Dry climate in Βuffalo.
- We need to go. - That's quite a nosebleed.
You okay there, bud? - Εve¤hing's normal.
- ¤ood enough for me. Let's go.
(engine starting)
- This is ¤ockin' ¤oger and you're listening to KC¤S.
Touch yourself, touch your friends, but...
(inhaling sharply) ... don't touch that dial.
(hard rock music) (cheering)
- All rise for The Secretaries of Steak!!!
(heavy metal music)
I said war
Not the war in my head
Who will be held accountable
For the dead
And why must I be paid to kill
And sin
As I slash his throat against my will
Out he froze his life
¤od chose it
I'm...
Inside of this lonely grave
And no one was saved
And still I bleed
(distant music)
- Why do they throw meat?
(down-tempo rock music)
(music with reggae backbeat)
- They're all about Jennifer again.
They say she's mesmerizing.
- We got 40 hits on the website and they're all about Jennifer?
- That's 'cause she's totally hot,
and you totally suck.
- Why do they throw meat? - Hugo!
Roll another. l'm approaching enlightenment.
- We are without papers.
- Jennifer has the papers.
(hard rock music)
- l'll go get 'em.
(gasping)
- No. l'll go. - No, dude.
l'm the biggest fucking rock star in Βuffalo. Chicks dig me.
l'll go. - Yeah, but l know where they are, so...
(hard rock music)
... l should just probably go myself.
- What's the problem, Frenchie? - What did you call me?
- Frenchie? Little Frenchie?
Don't-speak-da-Εnglish Frenchie?
- Have a nice time. - l will, you bitch.
Douche.
(rock music)
Oh. If one of us goes fu¤her
We ain't never gonna make it Hello, Angel.
- You wanna come inside?
Yeah baby
- As long as you're on the pill.
Oh, hello.
(sniffing) - Oh, my ¤od, you smell so good.
- lt's about fucking time someone noticed.
You know what? l taste really good, too.
- Really? - Yeah.
You wanna meet Βaby Βee¤
(distant snarling)
- What the hell was that? - Uh, television! lt was television!
Hey, assholes! Turn down your damn television!
- Hey, Hugo! You wanna take it easy?
- What were you talking about? Stopping...?
- What? - Stopping her?
- Oh, yeah, okay, we're stopping at Victor's.
- Nice. - We need to record some new material.
The showcase gig is gonna have a lot of industry insiders,
and A&R guys and...
- Jennifer's got a new song.
- Yeah, l'm working on something.
- Wow, you won't even listen to it.
Who are you, Prince?
- No. l'm just saying l write the songs. - How's that been working for us?
- What the hell does that mean? - l'm gonna go check on those papers.
- lt means maybe it's time to give someone else a shot.
- Why are you so obsessed with Jennifer all of a sudden?
- Can't you see what's going on here? - Yeah, l think l do see
what's going on here: you're in love with her.
- That's stupid. - Βut it's true.
- Shut up! - Βut it's so obvious.
- Oh, what's obvious? That l love Jennifer?
What, are you completely out of your fucking mind?
- Maybe l'm crazy or maybe l'm just high,
but as of right now, nothing seems certain except for the fact
that you love Jennifer.
Joey still loves Jennifer.
And Hugo loves Jennifer.
Oh, my ¤od, l'm in love with Jennifer.
l don't know whether it's 'cause she's hot
or maybe it's 'cause she's the only girl around,
but... either way, l'm totally smitten.
- Let's or¤er some more food.
- Yeah.
Jesus!
- Βeef had to go home.
- Hugo. Hugo!
Where'd all that blood come from? - From the show.
- You just left here clean and you come back covered in mystery blood.
You wanna tell me what the fuck is going on?!
- You're stoned?
Βye-bye.
- What are we smoking?
PCP?
(ominous music)
(flies buzzing) - Ugh. Hey!
Hey...
(chuckling crazily)
Hey. Hello, my friend.
You are my friend.
You! You are my friend.
(laughing crazily)
(crying)
- Stop crying! l'm trying to eat!
- All right, what the hell is going...
- lt's not what it looks like.
- You ate Βeef.
(ominous music) (in demonic voice): Εveryone be cool.
- Okay, we definitely smoked PCP.
(in normal voice): l can explain. - You... you can explain?
You can explain why you're chewing on a severed arm?
- Oh, don't be such a drama queen. - Drama queen?! You killed someone!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, now. Εverybody just chill a second.
Nobody killed anybody.
lt's PCP! We're just bad trippin', is all!
Right, Jenny?
- No, this is real. You had Hugo
cover your tracks, as usual. - And you're an insensitive asshole
who only cares about himself, as usual!
Do you think l wanna be in this situation?!
- Think l know who the hell you are anymore?!
- Nobody likes a judge! - Yeah, no one likes a vampire either.
- Screw you, Joey! - Screw me?!
Screw me?! You're out of the band, Jennifer!
- She's kinda the best thing about this band right now?
- Tyler... - l'm just saying,
maybe you should sleep on it.
- My ¤od, you really ate Βeef. This is really happening.
- lt's really happening.
- Okay, well... we have to call the cops.
- Who are you?! No one's calling the cops.
We're still a band, not a bunch of narcs.
- There's a dead body in the bathtub. - And what are you gonna tell them?
"Oh, our bass player's a vampire?
She just ate the most popular band in Βuffalo?" They'll lock you up.
- What happens on the road stays on the road.
- Just shut up, okay? Let me think.
- Do you have vampire powers?
- Yes.
- Really? - Oh, yeah. l'm super fast.
Super strong, and l can talk to other vampires with my mind.
Plus l can turn into fog.
- ¤et out!
- She ate The ltchies!
(all): You ate The ltchies?! - Holy shit, Jennifer!
- l can explain. - How?
- l have a problem. Βut l'm still the same person inside.
l'm still the same girl.
l need help.
l need you guys.
(insect buzzing)
(guitar music)
- Ahem. All right, l know it's been a long night.
Βut if we're still playing the showcase gig,
we're gonna need to set some ground rules.
- Okay. - What kind of ground rules?
- Rule number one: under no circumstances
may you make any other member of this band into a vampire.
- She promised me immortality. - Yeah, life's about disappointment.
- Rule number one's bullshit! - Hugo...
Rule number two: no more killing.
All right? lf you need blood,
we'll... we'll pull over and you can suck on a cow.
- Will that work? - lt's a deal-breaker, okay?
No more mur... (lowering voice): No more murders.
- All right, fine. l'll try cow blood. lt might work.
- Might work. Didn't think to try it first, just--
- You're judging again.
- Rule number three: total honesty from this point on.
No more secrets.
- You mean like Jeff quitting?
- Jeff quit?
- Yeah, Jeff quit, okay? l lied. Βut it was for the good of the band.
- Jeff quit? Well, what about our big industry insider show,
with all the movers and shakers? Why are we even bothering to go?
- l don't know anymore.
- Lighten up, man. We'll go.
lt's not like anyone has an¤hing else to do.
Βesides, people are starting to show up at these gigs.
l mean, this vampire thing might even help us.
- Can... you wash your hands?
- l did.
- Again?
- This is the Rockin' Roger Morning Show, late-night edition.
And right now, l'd like to thank our sponsors:
sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.
Ahhh... me likey.
She almost le¤ town yesterday
She had eve¤hing she would say
About all the things I've done wrong
Ηow they just made her strong
I almost killed you last night
She said
I almost killed you last night
Dead
I almost ended your li¤e
It was so close it hu¤s
So close it hu¤s
So...
She always stood up for herself
She never been an¤here else
Everybody told her to leave
(snarling)
And somehow no one believed
Τhen she said
I almost killed you last night
She said...
- So, uh... what took you guys so long tonight?
- We loaded the gear and then Hugo wanted to stop for tacos.
- Tacos?
- Tacos.
- Yep.
- So, uh, you didn't eat anyone, then? - No.
- You sure? - l did not eat anyone.
- All right. ¤ood.
- Does Victor know we're coming?
- lf he knew, he'd say, "Come back when we have money."
- What makes you think he's not gonna say that anyways?
- Yeah, l'm trying to avoid thinking at this point.
- Joey...
l'm sorry.
- l'm sorry, too, okay?
Tyler says you got a new song.
- Yeah.
- You sure you didn't eat anyone? - Oh, for Christ's sake!
- Okay. l'm just asking.
Maybe when we get to Victor's,
we'll try your song.
Mine's a... Mine sucks.
- Okay, cool.
- Βut l'm still the leader of the band.
- Aye-aye, Captain.
So close it hu¤s...
(birds cawing)
- Doesn't look like anyone's home.
- He's always home.
- Joey Winner.
- Hi, Victor.
- Βring money?
- Uh... yeah.
Um, we just did one song
and l thought we'd split the publishing 50/50.
- Oh, yeah, 50¤ of nothing.
(laughing)
Who the fuck are you? - Ooh, that's, uh, that's Sam.
He's our new drummer.
- You a cop? - No. l-l-l like your records.
- Oh, yeah? Βlow me.
¤et outta here! Relax, man!
lt's a joke. lt's a joke!
What did you do?
- Nothing.
- This is a recording studio?
And what is with that computer? What is that, a Commodore ¤4?
My cellphone has more memory than that piece of shit.
- What? - Huh!
- Whoa. You okay, man?
- Yes, l am okay.
Hugo is always okay.
Fix that shit,
pack that gear,
hide all those-- - Hugo.
- Don't worry about Hugo.
- All right, let's power this baby up.
(clunking and whirring)
Wow.
lt's alive.
What's the song called?
- l Was a Fool. - You were, baby.
We're rollin'!
(soft music)
I was a fool
And I believed
There was nothing
Le¤ for me
Like every fool
I couldn't see
The wondrous beauty
For the beast
I was a fool
And I believed
Τhere was no one
Τhere for me
I guess that it's true
Τhere cannot be
One as blind
As one will not see
I was a fool
And I believed
Τhe reason stars
Come out at night
Τhe reason birds
Fly in the sky
Is the reason you
And the reason I
Can dream
I dream
- So how long has she been a bloodsucker?
- Uh... what?
- You know, a kind of Nosferatu...
A vampire, dillweed.
How long?
- How did you, um...?
- l've been around, son.
- About a week.
- You sleeping with one eye open? - lt's not like that.
- Dude, let me tell you what l've learned
in my many, many travels:
always use a condom,
and never trust a goddamn vampire.
- Yeah, it's actually been going really good for me.
The audiences are responding, for a change.
- They don't give a shit about your band.
They're there for the freak show.
You got a vampire onstage, you idiot.
This'll end bad for you.
Τhe reason stars
Come out at night
Τhe reason birds
Fly in the sky
Is the reason...
(Tyler whispering): Come on. - No.
Do you have any idea how much shit l'd get in?
- Who's gonna know? - Tyler!
- l always share with you.
- This is a little different.
- When do l ask you for an¤hing? - Pfft.
- Please? - Pfft...
- Look, it's just till New York.
- What happens in New York?
- CMJ.
- So?
- So l got a showcase gig with a lot of industry insiders,
and A&R guys. Jeff set this whole thing up.
- First of all, Jeff is a weasel.
And, dude, being famous ain't all it's cracked up to be.
Can't go to a movie, can't go to a bar,
cops arrest you, ask for your autograph.
lt's bullshit.
- lt's not about being famous. - Then what's it about?
- l don't know.
- You don't know,
but you're ready to go to hell for it.
- This tour's my last chance. l'm not giving up.
- You don't have to give up. Just kick the vampire out of the band.
- Yeah, but she's helping us, not hurting us.
- Maybe it ain't worth it.
- Well, what do you want me to say? You know? That l'm a hack?
That without my vampire, no one would give a shit?
Fine. l'm a hack. You know? Βut this hack has a hot band right now.
Remember what that felt like? l know it's been a while,
but it feels a lot better than dismal failure.
(sighing) - You're not a hack.
- Thanks.
- You're a poser, wanker, dick.
Now take your vampire and go.
- What, you're kicking me out?
- You got your song. Studio's closed.
- Thanks.
- Forever.
- All right.
(up-tempo rock music)
- What?
- You look different. - Oh, yeah?
When are you noticing what l look like? Maybe l'm just tired.
- Yeah, maybe you need to recha¤e. Want a sandwich?
- No, no, no. l'm not hungry.
- When was the last time you ate? - What are you, my mom?
- Feed!
- Ah! - What?
- Nothing.
(Joey): Ah!
- What?
- Nothing.
(music)
Oh...
Ηere it comes
Ηere comes the night
Yeah here comes the night
Oh yeah
- You're so beautiful!
- Thanks. Εxcuse me.
- Wait...
l have magic pills! Take them.
- lt's okay. lt's really not my thing.
- Please!
These are my eyes!
Yeah here comes...
(sighing) - Okay.
Now get outta here before l bite your face off.
- So beautiful!
You're so beautiful!
There they go Funny how they look so good together
Wonder what is wrong with me (trippy guy whimpering)
- You look pale.
(scoffing) - No, it's... l'm ne¤ous. That's all.
- You're ne¤ous. - Mm-hmm.
- And ne¤ous makes you pale?
- Yeah. - l see.
- Uh, Joey, Jeff is here.
- What? Where? - ln the club.
Susan is here also, l think. l think they might be here together.
(chuckling) - Βullshit.
- Yes, l'm Hugo the liar. This is what l do with my time.
Βecause l don't have enough shit to do around here,
with the gear and the car that never works...
- All right. All right! - ... and the bodies!
(sighing)
- l just had some cow.
Speaking of which, Susan's here.
- Yeah, l heard.
- Hugo, do you have a pick?
- l gave it to you already. - Hmm.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Joey! How's it goin'?
- Super. You guys just in the neighbourhood, or...?
- We're not sleeping together, if that's what you mean.
- No, that's not what l meant, but wow.
- Yeah, we're just buds.
- Terrific.
- Oh, bullshit. We're all grownups here. - Yeah, we are.
- l'm glad you feel that way about it, Joey, 'cause guess what.
- What? - l got you a one-hour inte¤iew
on the Rockin' Roger show tomorrow morning.
- Oh, yeah? - You guys are blowin' up, man.
- And you're sleeping with Susan.
- Not if that bothers you. - Yeah, it really does.
- Okay, we're done.
- What?!
Well, screw you!
- Not anymore, man!
See, all your dreams are coming true. - Yeah.
- So it's really nice to be back here in...
(in Dracula voice): ... Pennsylvania! (Jennifer giggling)
- You okay?
- Yeah, l... got a headache.
Jeff got us on Rockin' Roger tomorrow morning.
- Amazing!
- Hugo, do we have, uh, any aspirin?
- We are out.
l have been in much pain.
- ¤reat. Hugo...
... what do you call this?
- Wait! - What?
- Nothing!
- You are listening to KC¤S,
and if it's good, it must be Rockin' Roger...
(demonic voice): ... on the radio.
(hard rock music)
It's really nice To hear your voice again
It's really nice
To hear you breathe
I can't take it for another minute
When you're down on your knees
This is your brain
This is your brain on drugs
(snarling)
It's really nice of you Τo fuck me over
It's really nice of you to leave
I can't take it
With a spoon of sugar
When you're down on your knees
Yeah
This is your brain
This is your brain on drugs
- You treacherous bitch.
- Whoa, take it down a couple notches. - And you,
you take Sam down with you?
- Sam's a big boy.
- l don't need people making my decisions.
- Yeah, you do! You're a drummer!
- lt was a mistake. - Mistake!
You broke rule number one!
- Why not me? Why not Hugo?
- Can you undo it?
- No.
- That's great. That's just perfect.
How come they're not sick in the sun?
- We didn't feed.
- Feed? Feed?!
- l'm sorry. - Look, cow blood, Joey.
l swear, man, that's all l'm after.
- Shut up. - Say what you want,
the audience dug the vampire shit.
- Totally. - That's great. Totally.
(pounding on door)
- No! There's something bad on the other side of that door.
- No! All the bad's in here with me.
- Let's go now. (hissing)
(Joey coughing) (crashing)
- What the hell?
(safari chase music) (Joey gasping)
- Where's the rest of the band? - They just left.
- Listen, you little punk,
you tell your friends that l'm on to them.
You tell them that Εddie is coming after them.
- Sure thing, Εddie. ¤ot it.
- Εddie. Εddie!
- Thanks for nothing, Hugo. - He was scary!
- You're supposed to watch the door!
- l know. l'm supposed to do eve¤hing!
- This is Rockin' Roger on the Rockin' Roger Morning Show
and l am sitting here with... The Winners!
Now what kind of name is that anyway?
- Uh, it's, uh, ironic. - Whoa! Βig word!
Pace yourself, Εinstein. Try to breathe.
Now you all have been around for a while,
and l've heard there's quite a bit of hype around your show tonight
at the festival! - Uh, yes, we're very excited about it.
- Oh, l can tell! lt's coming off you in waves!
No, l've been lookin' at you and thinking to myself:
Rockin' Roger, this group looks neat!
That's the word l'd use. You look neat.
For all you people out there in radio land,
this band is the real deal!
They've got that whole sex-drugs-and-rock 'n' roll look down!
Son... are you wearing pancake,
or are you actually that pale?
(whispering): He looks like a statue.
- What? - Wow! All that and brains too, huh?
You just released a single. What is it?
- lt's called Suck. - l've heard it. lt does.
Oh! Rockin' Roger on the radio comin' right to you live!
- Did you just say our song sucked on the radio?
- No! l said it on television!
We've hidden the cameras.
- What cameras?
- Kids, you all have to lay off the drugs, okay?
This is not rocket science,
what we're doing here. They're only questions.
And like my momma used to say,
it's only rock 'n' roll,
but l like it!
- Say it again. - Say what?
- Hey, be cool. - No, no. Do something you're good at,
like sucking! Oh! ¤otcha two times, Rockin' Roger!
And what's up with the makeup anyway?
- We're not wearing makeup, asshole. (demonic voice): We're vampires.
(rock music) (snarling)
(screaming)
- You assholes! You ate the only guy playing our reco¤!
(rock music)
(music fading) - That was amazing.
- What? - That was hilarious!
Εvery rock station in the country has picked up the single.
Εvery label in the country is coming to the show.
- Really?
- Jeff-- - You're gonna be famous.
This is, like, the most famous radio stunt since Orson Welles!
- Jeff, it wasn't a stunt, okay?
- Who cares, man? lt doesn't matter. We're still gonna be rich!
Hugo, would you please check the website?
- We did get some hits.
- We got some hits. How many hits did we get, Hugo?
- 1 ,¤04,000.
- Yes!! 1 ,¤04,000!
- Jeff...
they killed Rockin' Roger on air! We're all going to jail.
- Hey, Joey, why don't you let me worry about that, okay?
Why don't you guys just get ready to rock?
(cellphone ringing) Oh, shit.
(ringing) l gotta take this, but, hey,
if anyone asks you what happened to Rockin' Roger,
just tell them we cannot comment at this time. All right?
We'll just keep it rollin' that way. This is all good, so good. Okay.
¤o¤i¤hi¤a. Uh-huh?
- Did he just say we're gonna be famous?
- Yes. - l gotta go call my mom.
(rock music)
You raised a vampire
¤h uh oh
You raised a vampire
¤h uh oh
(music)
- What's with the flashlight?
- Uh... l don't like talking about it.
l'm afraid of the dark.
- Cool. l'm afraid of confined spaces and water fountains.
- Yeah.
Um... will you let me in?
- Yeah. Yeah, sure. ¤o ahead.
- All right. ¤reat.
Nice talking to you. - Yeah.
lt's very confined in there. - All right.
- Yeah.
- How much time?
- Five minutes.
- You can't go on like that.
- You. l know what you are.
You're a goddamn vampire!
- You say that like it's a bad thing.
- You did this. All this is because of you.
- l did nothing.
l was working the bar that night.
You're the one that let your girlfriend go home with a vampire.
- She's my ex-girlfriend, okay?
- l can read your mind, remember?
- Piss off. - What are you so angry about?
You got your industry inside showcase gig.
You seem to be the only one that's not en¤oying it.
- Well, it's complicated.
- Hey, all you have to do is live your dream.
¤o rock 'n' roll, go kick some ass.
- l will. l'm just, uh-- - Scared.
- Yeah. l'm scared, all right?! You happy?
- l am not happy. l am vampire.
l'm only happy when something dies.
- ls that supposed to make me feel better?
- Look, the band goes on with you or without you, Joey.
Vampires are ultimately cool.
- lt's my band! - lt ¤a¤ your band.
Now you have to make a decision.
You can take that road to obscurity, or you can join us...
and never be afraid of an¤hing else ever again.
(down-tempo rock music)
- l wanna join the band.
- Uh...
it's your band.
- No.
l wanna join the band.
- What?
No. - Just do it.
- No, l won't. No! - Do it! l need it.
- You don't know what you're asking. - l'm asking you to help me.
- l don't want you to do it.
- Yeah, you do.
- l'm sorry.
Oh she's a nightmare
You know a devil may care
She's a nowhere I wanna be infidelity
Τaste that bite
The girl's all right She sucks
All... night
Looks in the mirror She's outta sight all right
Ah
She's a bad girl
She's a bad bad girl - Oh, my ¤od.
She's a whole world
Onto herself Bad for your health
Τaste that bite The girl's all right
- Hey, get that guy!
He's selling drugs! All night
- What? All night
Hey! Come on, man! You don't understand!
All night Wait a minute!
Looks in the mirror She's outta sight all right
(wild cheering and screaming)
(demonic voices): We rocked. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Felt good, didn't it, Joey?
(normal voice): Yeah, it felt pretty...
(gnawing and sucking)
- You okay?
- Try some groupie!
- l need some air.
- You just need to feed. Trust me.
- Εxcuse me one second. (woman moaning)
- Joey...
- That was quite the pe¤ormance. - Hey, man.
You should've told me you were coming. l would've put you on the list,
or something. - Yeah, right.
So... how does it feel?
- Feels good, yeah. Jeff says we're gonna be huge.
- Hmm... - No one likes a judge.
- Hey, l didn't say an¤hing.
Just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
- Yeah, well, good.
Now you saw. - Are you okay?
(demonic voice): Don't touch me!
- Whoa, take it easy.
(normal voice): l'm sorry, man. l'm sorry.
l'm... l'm not feeling good, you know?
- Yeah, you're a big rock star with a big problem now.
How clich¤. - You should just leave me alone.
- l told you this would happen. You wouldn't listen.
- Just go. - Or what, vampire boy?
You gonna eat-- - Leave me alone!
- Wanker.
- Ah, sh...
Ah, shit!
l'm sorry.
Sorry. l'm sorry.
l'm sorry.
(panting, then snarling)
- Hey, great show, guys.
Hey, where's, uh, where's Joey?
Oh, hey, you're still with us. How's it going?
Hey. l'm Jeff. l manage the band.
- Looks like someone's been drinking!
- l killed Victor.
- You did what?!
- l didn't mean to. lt just happened. - lt was an accident.
What happens on the road stays on the road.
- l killed him.
- lt's okay, it's not your fault.
- How am l gonna look at myself in the mirror again?
- You can't. You're a vampire. - Yeah, you just gotta suck it up.
- Hey... l understand. You're feeling blue about eating a dude.
Βut it's no reason to ruin everybody's night, Joey.
(Tyler): Je¤s right. We're vampires. Shit happens.
(Sam): You'll get used to it. (Jen): l'm sorry, l tried to warn you.
(Je¤: Look at it on the bright side. You're gonna be a star.
And if you want,
you can dedicate the album to the memory of Victor and,
as l understand it, rock 'n' roll never dies.
Oh. Yeah.
You might wanna stand back a little bit.
Swear to ¤od, l know her from somewhere.
(sawing)
Ηere comes success
Over my hill
Ηere comes success
Well here comes my car...
- Don't sit there and be mad. - l'm not mad.
l don't care anymore. - So l killed a friend of the family.
Βig deal. l'm an addict.
You gonna make me feel guilty about it all night?
- Okay, Jen, we need to talk, okay?
- Oh, it sounds heavy.
- lt's kinda heavy.
What if l told you it didn't have to be like this?
- Like what?
- What if l told you we could be human again?
- Don't start with that shit. We can't. We're dead!
(hissing)
- Jen, be cool.
This is Εddie Van Helsing. He's a doctor.
- Are you crazy? He's a vampire hunter!
- Would you just hear him out?
- l can make you human again.
- You kill vampires.
- Well... l'm offering them the same choice as l'm offering you.
The one who made you,
the queen vampire?
lt's his evil that runs through your veins.
When he dies, so, too, his evil virus dies within him.
- No, he's too powerful.
- Oh, don't worry. l can kill him.
l just need you to distract him until the dawn breaks.
- You're so bumming me out right now.
- Jen... there's a reason we can't see our reflections.
Okay? We're turning into monsters.
- ls that what you see when you look at me?
A monster? - No.
Βut l don't see you anymore.
- lf we're gonna do this...
... l want a commitment.
l want things to be different.
- l will put us first, before eve¤hing else from now on.
l promise.
- ¤arbage? - l'll take it out.
- Toilet seat? - Down.
- Sex?
- From now on, you come first... in eve¤hing.
- Okay, let's kill the fucker.
Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man
Of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long long year
Stole many a man's
Soul and faith...
- l don't know about this. - Listen, we have no choice, okay?
Εither way, we're dead. - We always have a choice.
- Maybe seeing as l've no power, l could wait in the car?
- l started this.
l'm finishing it.
(eerie music)
- What the hell are you guys doing?
The sun will be up soon.
- Hey, uh... well...
we took this from a homeless guy.
- And... filled it with his blood.
Do you want a drink?
- Come in.
(creaking)
(door slamming)
- This is good.
Was he ltalian? - He didn't scream with an accent.
(laughing ne¤ously)
- You guys cool?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- How's the new record coming?
- Uh, good. ¤ood.
Well, it's, uh... Tyler ate the engineer.
- He was a dick.
- What brings you around here?
- We were just in the neighbourhood and, uh...
we noticed how early it was getting. We were hoping--
- You need a place to crash?
- lf it's no trouble.
- ¤i c¤s¤¤ su c¤s¤.
- Oh, thanks. - Really nice of you.
- l don't know Spanish. - Nice place.
- Hey, you wanna hear a cool song?
- Sure. - Okay.
- l wrote it, like, uh... 1 00 years ago,
and l just figured out the middle eight.
(discordant, out-of-tune ri¤
You guys are acting funny.
l'm sensing something.
- No, just listening to the music. - No.
- lt's a great song. - lt's good.
- Yeah. 1 00 years ago?
That's way ahead of its time. - Holds up.
- l have to make a pee.
(snarling softly)
- ¤ood for you.
What's wrong with him? - He's not feeling well.
- We're all going to die. - Hugo...
- Let him speak. (Joey gasping)
- l'm... sorry. Too scared. Can't speak.
(gasping) - What's he got to be scared about?
What's going on?
(croaking): He's French-Canadian.
- That's for giving me a dirty needle.
(singsong): You missed my heart!
(grunting)
- No-- (roaring)
- l'm on your team.
- This is how you repay me?
l gave you... immortality.
l gave you a record deal!
- You killed our drummer!
- Drummers die. Βut you...
Did you really think you could kill me?
You're a joke,
a mere distraction.
- That's how we were supposed to be, asshole.
- lt's over.
- Van Helsing.
- You killed her. - Who?
l kill a lot of people.
- You killed...
... the most beautiful thing
in the whole world.
- Did l?
One thing's for sure:
l'm going to kill you.
(thundering)
- l'm not afraid of evil any longer.
l will have vengeance.
- No, Εddie...
you can't.
l didn't kill her.
- You're a liar!
(crossbow firing) (Hugo screaming)
- My leg!!!
You shot Hugo, you bastard!
- l didn't kill her, Εddie.
l just...
freed her from you.
(crossbow firing) (Hugo screaming)
- Oh! Why Hugo?
- Oh, man, l'm sorry. l, uh...
Sorry, man. - She's alive.
Well, l guess, technically, she's dead.
Βut she's dominating the charts over in Japan.
Has been for 30 years. (crossbow firing)
(Tyler): ¤oddamn dick! Don't fire if you can't see!
- lt's true, Εddie.
- Danielle?
(whispering sound)
You're alive?
- And you're dead!
(screaming)
(Joey playing heavy metal ri¤
(screaming)
(hard rock music)
(¤ueeny roaring)
(roaring)
(silence) (Jen): Ah!
- Oh, shit!
(moaning and groaning)
(screaming) - Jesus Christ!
(screaming)
(Jen): What's happening? - You're returning
to what you were before, out-of-work musicians.
You better hold still. lt's gonna hurt.
- Εddie?
l don't feel good.
- Oh...
Oh, yes, you do.
- Ugh.
Jennifer?
- Yeah.
- l'm sorry l called you a monster.
- That's okay.
- You also called her a treacherous bitch.
- Hugo-- - Can we talk about this later?
- Yeah, yeah. Ah... Jesus Christ!
(moaning and groaning)
And it brings back And it brings back
Τhose old emotions...
- Did you have fun?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Your mother's a very competent charades player.
- Yeah, she sure is.
- lt's great that we get to see them so much more often now.
- Yeah, it is. lt's nice. Εve¤hing's nice.
- Do you, uh...
you ever miss it?
- l... l don't miss being sick in the sunlight.
- No, l meant playing in a band.
Music? - Oh.
Yeah... sometimes.
- Screw it. We're better off. - Way better off.
- You ever look into those pottery classes?
(loud bang)
- What's that? - ¤ot a flat.
- A¤h. Pull over.
(Joey sighing) - ¤reat.
- What is it?
- N-nothing. l just, uh...
l'll get the jack.
Oh, shit.
There's no spare.
No.
- Can l be of some assistance?
(whispering): Nice ou¤its.
- Hey, we got a flat tire.
- Yes, l see. - We don't have a spare.
Any way you could give us a ride? - Well, of course.
- Jen, no.
- Where's your car?
- l have other means of transportation.
- Tell me l'm dreaming.
- Welcome to my nightmare:
charades, matching sweaters, pottery class...
- No, this is over. We killed the queen vampire.
- No. You killed a 300-year-old vampire named ¤ueeny.
l'm from a much older breed. What you kids call "old school."
- Are you gonna kill us? - Totally.
- Just let her go, okay? - Relax, Romeo.
l'm just here to set you free, again.
Hey, let's put the old band back together.
- We're gonna need a new drummer.
- l know just the guy.
- Wait a second. - Come on.
I'm your lover
I'm your brother
I'm your killer
I'm your friend
I'm your teacher I'm your preacher
I'm the reaper
In the end
(singing): ¤t¤ ove¤..
(laughing)
- McDowell? - l just fancy breaking out into song.
You know, right here, right now.
Why l'm the only one who don't get a song?
- Ready and... (chuckling)
... frame?
It's over...
- Action.
- lt's over.
I'm the reaper in the end
Along came a spider
Crept up beside her
Spun his web deep inside her
¤y darkness will guide her
I am
The spider
I am
The spider
I am the spider
I am
The spider
You're my sinner
You're my dinner ¤y little puppet
Let's pretend
You're the cure to...
¤y a¤liction
¤y addiction to the end
Along came a spider
Crept up beside her
Spun his web deep inside her
¤y darkness will guide her
I am
The spider
I am the spider
I was born to this
Not something to strive for
Not something to even admire
¤nless of course
It's done with the greatest of taste
Conviction
And e¤pe¤ise
I am the spider
Along came a spider
Crept up beside her
Spun his web deep inside her
¤y darkness will guide her
I am the spider
(hard rock music)
(rock music)
Don't know how to begin
Open road is closing in
We're getting ¤ar
From where we've been
And where we're going
And where we going an¤ay
Don't know how to e¤plain
Open road's e¤pecting rain
We're getting ¤ar
From where we came
And where we're going
And where we going an¤ay
¤oing nowhere
Coming down
¤oing nowhere
Coming down
(music)
You ain't going nowhere
Ain't going nowhere
Any day
¤oing nowhere
Coming down
¤oing nowhere
Coming down
¤oing nowhere
Coming down
¤oing nowhere
Coming down
I'm coming down
'Cause I'm going nowhere
Coming down
'Cause I'm going nowhere
I'm coming down
'Cause I'm going nowhere
I'm coming down
(music)
Subtitling: CNST, Montreal