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- Great day! - Hello, commissioner.
Dick, we're late for that important demonstration. Excuse us.
But you can't dash off now. How did you escape?
- With the aid of Batman. - Thank goodness for the Caped Crusader.
Return to police headquarters. He may wish to call you.
My fine finkish friends, you have heard my astounding proposal.
What do you say? What do you say?!
Our strike cannot be postponed.
We're at the mercy of the Gotham River tide.
It's now or never to get through the channel.
Batman will never come here now. But the police will, any instant.
So, to the Penguin's princely plan. Is it yes or no?
It's crazy, but let's try it. We have to get Batman out of the way.
Oh, go ahead, Penguin.
Would you drop one of your dream pills into Commodore Schmidlapp's tea?
- Presto! - Then carry him to the submarine!
Mr. Riddler, will you tell Mr. Quetch...
...to fetch the five guinea pigs?
- Fetch the guinea pigs. - Yo-ho.
Yo-ho-ho, sir!
Now, my fine fishy finks...
...you see the commodore's pièce de "no-résistance"...
...an instant whiskey maker.
Waiting for us to put it to more universal use.
Don't be afraid. You'll feel nothing.
I am merely going to temporarily extract...
...every bit of moisture from your bodies!
It's a painless operation.
- Delightful! - Dehydrated!
Catwoman, will you get a dustpan...
...and put every one of them very carefully into separate vials?
Mr. Riddler, would you prepare the submarine to get underway...
...while I prepare a terrifying demolition charge for the police?
- Where do we meet? - United World building.
Gotham River. 39th floor. The elevator.
- One hour? - One hour.
What criminal genius, Catwoman!
Who but a genius could conceive such an audacious plot?
To trick Batman and Robin into inviting me to their Batcave...
...with five dehydrated death-dealing pirates at my command.
Careful, careful. Every one of them has a mother.
Out, Batarang and Batrope. Stand clear.
With people in weird outfits like the supercrooks around here...
...it's amazing no one reports this place to the police!
It's a low neighborhood, full of rum pots.
They attribute curious sights to alcoholic delusions.
Drink is a filthy thing.
I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes.
Yes, honey. There was someone walking up the wall.
Ready with super-blinding Batpellets.
- Away, Robin. Away! - But...
Come on, Batman.
Batman!
Miss Kitka!
[BAND PLAYS]
Quick, everyone! Flee for your lives! Into the street!
Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb.
[BOMB EXPLODES]
Batman!
- It's all right. - Holy heart failure!
I was able to dispose of that bomb just in time...
...and shield myself behind these iron pipes.
You risked your life to save that riffraff in the bar?
They may be drinkers, but they're also human beings...
...and may be salvaged.
I had to do it!
But we lost the trail of Miss Kitka. Stranded without a clue!
Ahoy there! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman?
Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know.
- Holy costume party. The Penguin! - Obviously.
What's his game?
- What's your game, Penguin? - Penguin?
No, my name's Schmidlapp, old boy, Schmidlapp.
Your fingerprints will settle that hash.
We'll check them against our mobile anti-crime file in our Batmobile.
Let's see your hands.
Looks like plastic-coated fingertips!
Yes, I scorched myself pressing a waistcoat.
I do believe the attending surgeon did use plastic, yes.
It looks bad. This brassy bird has us buffaloed.
Not quite.
There's one method of identification no one can evade.
Retinal eye patterns?
He's right. The pattern of blood vessels...
...in the retina, as individual as a fingerprint.
Don't you have an anti-criminal, eye-pattern master file...
...in your Batcave? Why don't you take me there?
- You'll submit yourself to a test? - It might be an amusing experience.
Stand by to catch him, Robin. I'll give him the Batgas.
What? Batgas?
An anesthetic, necessary to prevent you from seeing...
...the entrance to the Batcave.
If anyone knew that, they could pierce the secret of our identities.
Ready, commodore?
Oh, I say, what deucedly strange customs you colonials have!
Well, I'm ready.
To the Batmobile. This could be our break.
- I wonder why he let us bring him here? - We'll soon know.
- I've got the eye checker. - Stay on alert.
After I give him the Batwake, we must be ready for anything.
Oh, it's you. We're here, eh? I see.
Oh, what's this? Oh, say!
This is extraordinary! It's absolutely extraordinary!
I must say, your laboratory exceeds the limits...
...of man's wildest imagination.
Could I trouble you for a glass of water?
Your Batgas has left me with a parched sensation.
The water dispenser is clearly marked.
All right, thank you. Thank you, sir.
Help yourself, commodore. Slake your thirst.
You'll have worse than a parched sensation when we're through.
Perhaps, perhaps. But I am appalled by your attitude, sir.
Condemning me before the facts have been authoritatively established!
You are abrogating my constitutional rights, sir.
ROBIN: All set.
Come on, Penguin. Time to rip off your false feathers.
Coming, Batman. I'm coming at once.
ROBIN: Holy hallucination!
I wish it were, but it's five dehydrated pirates, rehydrated!
At them, me hearties! Shiver them from stem to stern!
Yo-ho-ho, sir!
Attack them, you faltering fink!
They're gone! Popped like balloons. How did it happen?
Whoever dehydrated those pirates...
...couldn't have foreseen their rehydration with the heavy water...
...we use to recharge the atomic pile!
It left them in an unstable condition!
You saw it yourself. The slightest impact was sufficient...
...to instantly reduce them to antimatter.
Antimatter? You mean, they won't be coming back?
No, Robin. Not in this universe.
Let that be a lesson in the dangers...
...of tampering with the laws of Mother Nature.
My apologies, commodore. I've done you a cruel injustice.
- You have? - You were duped. Brainwashed.
The criminals planted those dehydrated thugs on you.
You were obviously under the influence...
...of post-hypnotic suggestion when you rehydrated them.
Come on down, commodore.
Another sniff of Batgas, and we'll all return to the city.
Are you sure you didn't hurt your head?
Perfectly. Swallow this pill.
Now, give our friend here a whiff of Batwake.
Good morning.
What's wrong?
Manifold pressure's dropping. We'd better stop and check it.
- Sorry about that. Won't take long. - Yes, you will!
Yo-ho and away we go in my Birdmobile! One side kick for a sailor.
- You okay? - Thanks to the anti-Penguin gas pill!
He's played right into our hands. Via Batcycle to the Batcopter!
We'll track him to the gang's new hideout.
Disengage go-cart.
Batscanner tracking the stolen Batmobile.
Port two degrees, then steady as she goes!
Yo-ho, port two degrees!
We're almost there!
- Where are you going? - To fire off more riddling clues.
Riddler! You're mad! Penguin's finished Batman by now.
That miserable, waddling mountebank of a bird!
He couldn't finish a bag of popcorn!
Say Penguin failed. All the more reason not to hand them clues.
But I must! Outwitting Batman is my sole delight...
...my joy, my heaven on earth, my very paradise.
Riddler, come back!
Stolen Batmobile turning, heading up Gotham River Drive.
Polaris-type missile coming right for us!
Hold on! This may be tricky.
- Damage? - The tail rotor's disengaged.
Brace yourself, Robin, we're going down.
This could be the end.
Now, to find my riddling Polaris skywriter!
Look! Look, the Dynamic Duo!
I got them. I got them.
Holy horseshoe!
Some luck, landing on top of foam rubber!
The odds against it would make even the most reckless gambler cringe.
True, I did think I'd spotted it out of the corner of my eye, but...
That crazy missile wrote two more riddles.
"What goes up white and comes down yellow and white?"
An egg!
"How do you divide 17 apples among 16 people?"
Make applesauce.
Apples into applesauce. A unification into one smooth mixture.
An egg, nature's perfect container. The container of our future hopes.
A unification in a container of hope? United World Organization!
Precisely! And the Security Council meets today.
- Lf what I fear is true... - Let's commandeer a taxi.
No, not at this time of day. Luckily we're in tip-top condition.
It'll be faster if we run. Let's go!
We are now passing through the grotto.
- Depth, half a fathom. - Engines, dead slow astern.
Dead slow astern.
[MEOWS]
As the blueprint said, an abandoned construction elevator.
Hecate, sniff out the weak spot.
[MEOWS]
- I hope Penguin made it. - Who needs him?
Stand back.
Hey! Can't you read?
A fine day for penguins.
My co-conspirators, we meet as planned.
No thanks to you, the Dynamic Duo has been silenced forever.
Blasted out of the sky by a coincidence!
The delicious irony of it! Downed by Riddler's Polaris skywriter.
Happy happenstance! Hold your breaths as we cross the hall.
There are still lingering traces of my finely filtered Penguin gas.
Holy marathon! I'm getting a stitch!
Let's hope it's a stitch in time that saves nine.
The nine members of the Security Council.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES]
It is the opinion of Her Majesty that we pursue peace at all costs.
Our poor united world in microcosm.
I'm afraid they'll find our humor very, very dry.
We understand your position, but for peace...
It has always been our policy...
Quickly now! Each one in a separate vial.
And, boys, don't anybody sneeze.
BATMAN: Seal the building! ROBIN: Close the ventilating system!
The Security Council may have been dehydrated!
Emergency, operator. Get me security.
Emergency, operator, emergency!
Up, up, up, up!
- Surrender! You criminals! - The United Underworld is through!
What's this, an apparition?
One false move, and you'll find out. We'll hurl our Batarangs!
- To the elevator! - Catwoman! Stop, I said!
I don't think you mean that.
Miss Kitka dies if you take one more step! Go!
This way, Robin!
The Security Council, gone!
What a fiendishly clever way to abduct nine men...
...from a heavily guarded building!
Where does that elevator go?
Downstairs, to an abandoned submarine dock on the river.
Holy Captain Nemo! They'll head for sea by way of Short Island Sound.
We have just one trump card left.
Heaven help the world if we fail.
Come on!
Down periscope.
We're over the last bar. Mr. Bluebeard, all engines full ahead.
Yo-ho, all engines full ahead!
What a delightful haul!
Mr. Riddler, will you prepare those nine radio ransom messages?
And no stupid riddles. Make those messages plain.
One billion dollars cash, from each country.
Precisely! To be delivered to our secret island...
...by the horde of trained carrier pigeons which I shall provide.
No whimsical embellishments. Make those messages clear!
It's like a dream, Pengy-sweet.
Nothing can stop us now.
Sonar contact. Range 8000. Bearing 181.
Yo-ho, sonar contact. Small craft at 7500, bearing 01.
Small craft?
It's moving fast. Range is down to 7000.
- The Batboat! - Drat that cockleshell!
Mr. Bluebeard, steady on the diving planes.
I'll man the torpedo tubes.
Would you fire a surface-to-surface underwater homing missile?
[MEOWS]
Missile ahoy!
It has a homing device in its nose cone. Take evasive action.
No use. It's tracking us!
Take my Batradio. I looked it up this morning.
That class of missile receives on a wavelength of 164. 1.
- 164. 1. - Quickly! Send a jamming signal.
It's starting down.
Farewell, Batman!
Farewell, Dynamic Duo!
Holy bikini, that was close!
Yo-ho, small craft still closing. Range 4000. Bearing 88.
They know how to jam our missiles. Up to periscope depth!
MAN: Yo-ho, up to periscope depth.
- Range 3500. - Get the Batcharge launcher.
Roger!
They hold nine of the world's most eminent men in dehydrated condition.
Our task is not to sink that sub, merely to drive it to the surface.
Forward torpedo tubes, prepare to fire.
Yo-ho! Forward torpedo tubes, prepare to fire.
Five, four, three, two...
...torpedoes, fire!
Torpedoes, fire!
Torpedoes away!
- Dive, Mr. Bluebeard, dive! - Yo-ho, dive.
Down periscope.
Torpedo off the port bow!
Prepare to fire Batcharges in front of torpedoes.
That's too soon! It must be Batcharges!
And that means there'll be more of the dread things meant for us!
You dismal bird! You and your submarine!
Shut up, you feline floozy!
Mr. Bluebeard, down 30 fathoms.
Run silent, run deep.
They're diving, silent engines.
I'll circle them at full-thrust speed, diminishing radius of curvature.
Roger.
What's their bearing?
- I don't know, sir. - You don't know?
It's changing every second. They must be circling us.
Fire when ready.
I'll maintain curvature.
Yo-ho! Compartments A, B and C taking in water, sir!
Penguin, you know I can't take water!
You cowardly kitten, you want to live forever?
- This bird has flown around the bend! - To cuckooland!
Riddler, Joker, do something! We weren't meant for a watery grave!
Now hear this! Now hear this!
Blow all tanks! Surface! Surface!
Cut the Batcharges. They've had enough, I imagine.
They're surfacing fast.
- Estimated surfacing position? - 200 yards.
Here they come.
Diminishing speed. Ready to board.
Roger.
Pirates! To arms!
Prepare to repel boarders!
Strike your colors!
We have not yet begun to fight! Attack!
Bon voyage, pussy.
Holy heartbreak! Miss Kitka!
[WOMAN SINGS IN FRENCH]
Batman, I...
Say no more, Robin. It could be compromising.
Of course.
It's just one of those things in the life of every crime fighter.
It means nothing. Snap on the Batcuffs.
Batman to coast guard.
There's a submarine two miles east of Sandy Nose.
It's filled with human jetsam. Come, take it in tow.
Robin. Over here, look.
The hope of the world, tottering on the brink!
Holy almost!
To think, it might have been shattered before our very eyes.
- Up, Catwoman. - The service here has gone to pot.
What the devil is this? The captain's costume party?
Holy jumble! Where's the hope of the world now?
Batcentrifuge at 32,000 rpm.
Increase angstrom force in vector X.
Vector X up one notch.
[BEEPING]
- Yes, commissioner? - What progress? Is there hope?
There's always hope.
But do you think you and Robin can separate that mingled dust...
...back into its constituent members?
With all modesty, commissioner...
...if we can't, heaven knows who can.
Truer words were never spoken.
PRESIDENT: Howdy, you all. How are those boys doing up there?
Batman says there's hope, Mr. President. What more can one ask?
The free world is waiting. Tell Batman I salute him and wish him luck.
I needn 't tell you with whom I have just spoken.
Ready for separation.
All right. I'll activate the computer link.
Input the ethnic and national factors.
- Batman, wait a minute! - What?
Well, with the way the world is and all...
...maybe we ought to try to improve those factors?
- Reshuffle them a little. - No.
It's not for us to tamper with the laws of nature.
In this very Batcave, you saw a ghastly example...
...of what happens when one tries to do that.
Gosh, yes. When you put it that way...
Here we go.
[BEEPING]
Separation accomplished. Ready to rehydrate.
Separation accomplished.
They are ready to rehydrate.
We are ready to rehydrate.
MAN: They are ready to rehydrate.
A solemn moment, gentlemen.
One of dedication and humble supplication.
Robin, prepare to rehydrate.
Ready to rehydrate.
Turn on the water faucet.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES]
Success! Success!
They've done it! They've done it!
Success, success! We've done it, we've done it!
MAN: Success! Success!
[SPEAKS JAPANESE]
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
What the...?
In the interest of peace, you must hear me out!
[SPEAKS HEBREW]
[SPEAKS GERMAN]
[SPEAKS NIGERIAN]
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
Gentlemen, it is imperative that we limit our conversation to peace.
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
Who knows, Robin?
This strange mixing of minds...
...may be the greatest single service ever performed for humanity.
Let's go, but inconspicuously.
Through the window. We'll use our Batropes.
Our job is finished.
Ming H¨¦
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