(chuckles) Do you have to draw so lightly?
It tickles.
I don't have to, but I like watching you squirm.
Your cute little butt wiggles. (chuckles)
VIRGINIA: Ooh, look who's finally back from his date.
Hey, you didn't tell us
you and Sabrina were gonna have your first sleepover.
Spill the details, buddy. Is she a screamer?
She looks like a screamer.
I wouldn't know; she wants us to wait
until we've dated at least a month.
Apparently, it's a rule of hers.
That's crazy.
You've already waited a year and a half.
You got to hop on that horse and ride, buddy. Giddyup!
Life is short.
Not true. Life is long.
Ridiculously long.
VIRGINIA: So, what happened instead?
Give us all the young love gossip.
Ordered a pizza, watched a movie.
Was it a dirty movie?
No. The Sixth Sense.
I totally didn't realize Bruce Willis was dead.
Me, neither.
I knew he was old.
MAW MAW: Watched a movie?
Now that you guys are finally together,
I thought we would at least get some good stories out of it.
Yeah, I'm with Maw Maw.
This was way more interesting when you were chasing after her.
Maybe getting you two together was a mistake.
Burt, you're the best tailor in town!
Jimmy, I got blue.
You want me to hook you up?
Yeah, I showered yesterday.
I guess I could use a tune-up.
(sighs)
Whoo!
♪ Here we go
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
(gunfire, sirens on TV)
They're just sitting out there.
Not even touching her.
This far into our second date, I had you pregnant.
What cassette is that?
I don't know; there's no label.
I found it under the bed.
I'm hoping it's that love jams mix
I made in the summer of '88.
I can't remember the last time we did it to "Rock Me, Amadeus."
See? This is what I love about life.
Just when you think it's gonna be a normal Tuesday night
with nothing good on TV-- bam, Mystery cassette!
Keep an ear out and make sure
Sabrina doesn't come down the hall.
She thinks I'm getting a blanket.
What are you doing?
I'm having some issues with the Chinese food.
(extended farting)
Oh... my... God.
How many farts have you been holding in?
Sounded like seven.
(squeaky fart) Eight.
Jimmy, that is not healthy.
BURT: No, that is not healthy.
You can only squeeze that little muscle down there
so many times in your life.
You don't want to wear it out in your 20s.
No, I mean it's not healthy for the relationship.
You need to be yourself.
Mom, but she's perfect.
I still can't believe I actually got her.
You're just delaying the uneditable.
If she doesn't like you for who you are,
there isn't any reason for you to be together.
You've got to be yourself.
Ah...
Done.
I'm gonna go look for some batteries for the boom box.
(blowing air)
Whoo! Good Lord!
- You're holding them in? - Shh!
For crying out loud, just fart in front of him.
I can't. He thinks I'm perfect.
It's a lot of pressure.
Sorry I took so long. I couldn't find... Oh!
Your mother farted.
Hey, you know, I think we could get some batteries
- out of Hope's... - Oh! Good gravy leg!
What is that?
It was Virginia.
(sniffing) That is not Virginia.
All right, that's it.
Burt, go crack a window.
You two, sit down.
We need to chat.
(doll chirps)
And that's why Burt and I have been together for 25 years.
Because we're not afraid
to be ourselves in front of each other.
That's six.
See you in the bedroom.
Ooh, you're a little bean dippy.
Want me to stop and brush on my way back?
Nah. I'll just eat some bean dip.
Cool. See what I mean?
We're not afraid to be ourselves.
You're making too big a deal out of this.
We just held in some gas.
You got to get everything out in the open. Trust me.
What if you guys get naked for the first time,
and you discover she has--
I don't know-- inverted nipples.
- Oh, my God. - What?
It's a real thing; I saw it on TV.
Sweet girl, very religious,
which kind of threw me because if you're so churchy,
why are you showing Dr. Oz
how you can put a jellybean in your nipple hole?
Anyway, my point is, the longer Sabrina hides
her inverted nipples,
the weirder it's gonna be in one month
when you finally see 'em.
Mom, stop it. Please, just stop it.
Wait. I'm sorry.
Did you tell your mom about my one-month rule?
No. Yes. Maw Maw wanted to know if you were a screamer, and I...
- What? - Why are you doing this to me?
I'm just being myself, Jimmy.
And you know what, you still love me, don't you?
No. No, I don't.
("Rock Me Amadeus" on boombox) BURT: Virginia?
Oh, I got to get back there.
We have a one-song foreplay agreement.
Can I just make one general apology
for every inappropriate thing they've said today,
or do I need to go down the list
and relive each humiliating moment?
Don't worry about it.
I mean, the truth is, is that she's right.
Oh, okay, and I'm totally fine with that.
Who's to say nipples should go one way or the other way?
No, my nipples poke out.
I just mean she's right
about us being ourselves, about being open.
I just... I want us to be able to be who we really are
and accept each other, warts and all.
I'm all for that.
Depending on where the warts are.
That's just a saying; there's-there's no actual...
I knew that.
I don't want to have the same kind
of relationship I had with Wyatt.
He always wanted me to be someone that I wasn't,
and I just want to be myself.
And I want you to be yourself.
Thank you.
So, starting tomorrow,
I'm going to stop taking my meds.
That's great.
Hm.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
(clattering)
(toy siren wailing) Yes!
Help is on the way!
What does that even mean?
"She's off her meds."
I don't know exactly.
At first, I was hoping it was just a saying.
Like when she said she had warts.
She has warts?
Gross. I hate warts.
Oh, I hate her. I hate her!
She was on our couch; we got to burn the couch.
I can deal with warts; it's nothing you can't solve
with some dry ice and a good pair of scissors.
But I want to know about these meds.
Is she crazy or what?
I don't know.
Apparently, she's taking mood stabilizers
that she got from Wyatt's dad,
which is weird 'cause he's a dentist.
This might be a deal breaker.
You might need to break up with her.
What are you talking about?
You're the one who said we needed to be ourselves.
I can't break up with her
just 'cause she showed me who she really is.
Of course you can, that's the whole reason
for being yourselves in front of each other.
So you can find out all the weird stuff
and decide if you could put up with it or not.
Wilfred and I had the exact right mix of weirdness.
He liked to put raisins on his pizza,
and I couldn't have an orgasm unless he choked me.
And as a couple,
they decided that they were cool with that.
Just like me and your dad.
We know every weird thing there is about each other,
and we've decided we could tolerate it.
That's what love is.
Mm-hmm.
What do you mean you shave your feet?
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Easy.
When I was 14, my feet started to get very hairy.
At first I was totally psyched; I thought I was Teen Wolf.
But the girls at the pool did not treat me like Michael J. Fox.
I've been shaving them ever since.
Do you think that's weird?
Yeah, I think it's weird.
I think it's really weird.
- Damn. - What?
Virginia doesn't know.
I never had the guts to tell her,
and now she's talking about how
we know all of each other's secrets and stuff.
It's killing me. Should I tell her?
I don't think you should have told me.
Does this mayo seem bad to you?
Uh, it's right on the edge.
Look, just because I think it's weird
doesn't mean she's gonna think it's weird.
But you don't want to risk it by telling her.
I got an idea.
Oh, maybe that mayo is bad.
No, I was just thinking about your feet.
(knocking)
That sounds like Andrew's knock.
(chuckles)
Ah, hey, Andrew.
Hello, Burt. I was wondering
if you happened to have some shaving cream
and a razor I could borrow.
I believe I do have those items.
Let me go get them for you.
- Heading to work? - Yeah.
Without those pills, Sabrina could have
a whole different personality, or two.
They're just mood stabilizers.
I'm sure she's not going to turn into Dr. Heckle or Mr. Jeckle.
Here we go.
Those items you needed for shaving.
I even brought a bowl of hot water
in case you want to save some time and shave right here.
How considerate of you.
I think I'll take you up on this offer.
(cooing)
What are you, uh...
What are you doing there?
I'm shaving my feet.
I have fairly hairy feet,
and it's my preference to keep them smooth.
It's actually quite common
among men. That's interesting.
Unexpected maybe, but I don't think it's stran.
Do you think it's strange, Virginia?
No. Women shave their legs.
If men want to shave their feet, they should shave their feet.
Makes no difference to me.
Well, it looks like I'm done.
Take care, buddy.
Ha.
You want to hear something funny?
Is it funnier than what just happened?
Because what the hell was that?!
Are you kidding me?
He shaves his feet?
Burt, he shaves his feet.
His feet!
Just the top part.
And how gross is it that his feet are so hairy
that he has to shave them?
That's probably why his wife left him.
And why would he tell us about it?
Oh, I don't know. It's all very puzzling.
I don't think I'm gonna be able to look him in the face again.
Oh! Which is bad, 'cause I'm not gonna
be able to look at his crazy-ass feet again either.
I'm sorry, what was that funny thing you wanted to tell me?
Oh, uh, uh...
A priest walks into a barbershop,
with a parrot on his shoulder...
Never mind.
It's never gonna be as funny as Andrew shaving his feet!
Shaves his feet! (laughing)
Unbelievable!
(forced laughter) I know.
Shaves his feet!
(humming softly)
(squeals, sputtering)
Jimmy, I'm not just gonna, like,
start acting crazy if that's what you're waiting for.
What?
No, I wasn't...
I don't even...
(clears throat) What exactly is going to happen?
Look, Wyatt was just...
He was uncomfortable with the kind of person I was
without the pills, that's all.
You know, but I'm different, but I'm more me.
You're gonna like it.
Trust me, I'm not crazy.
I know.
(sputtering)
JIMMY: Since the number-one thing crazy people tend to say
is "I'm not crazy," I wasn't convinced yet.
So, over the next few days, I kept an eye on her.
At first, she didn't seem any different at all.
But then I started to see some slight changes.
♪
She's a little more fun at work.
She was also a little more impulsive.
Hey, lady, I like that hat.
Hey, get in.
We're giving you a ride.
Oh, my God,
let's give a ride to anyone who we see who's wearing a hat.
Wassup!
Which was actually a lot of fun.
I want doughnuts.
Who wants doughnuts?
Doughnuts it is.
(whooping)
And if something was on her mind,
she wasn't afraid to spit it out.
All right, Maw Maw,
I've got to know.
How'd you lose your virginity?
Don't leave out any detail.
I want to know everything.
It all started one night
in the rumble seat of a 1939 Packard.
All in all, she wasn't that different.
If anything, she was just more thorough.
And since we always liked her,
more of her was even more fun.
♪
And then the four of us put our clothes back on,
put the horse back in the stable
and agreed never to speak of it again.
Well, it's probably my favorite Christmas memory.
JIMMY: And the best part of Sabrina being off her meds
was under the sex drive on
- (sighs) That was fun. - That was very fun.
Mm-hmm. Ooh, I'm getting another blanket.
It gets kind of cold in here.
There's a hole in the wall behind the dresser.
I usually shove a sock in, but I needed the sock yesterday, so...
We should probably talk about this.
Okay. Are you robbing me?
(sighs) When I was six,
a spider crawled into my ear while I was sleeping,
and, uh, it laid eggs.
My mother was a Buddhist,
and she wouldn't let me kill them, and it was awful.
So I do the...
So you use the pantyhose to keep the baby spiders in your head?
No, no, no, no. They're gone, they're gone.
I'm just terrified it's gonna happen again.
And the meds were keeping the fear away, and now that
I'm not taking them,
I've just gotten a little bit obsessed with spiders.
And with this on my head, I feel safer.
And, look... (inhales) I could totally breathe,
so there's very little downside.
Ha, ha.
Oh, God, you think this is so weird.
Wyatt thought it was weird, too.
That's why he had his dad give me all the pills.
This is so weird! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
No, no.
I mean, it makes total sense.
No, it's not weird at all.
Really? Oh, my God.
Hey, listen, you know what?
If you could not tell anybody.
This is just...
It's a embarrassing.
Of course not.
I would never say anything.
But I think you think it's worse than it is.
It's not weird at all.
Thank you.
- Good night. - Yeah.
(mouths "Oh, my God!")
(yawning)
What are you doing awake?
(sighs) Every time your father gets up to pee,
I realize I'm thirsty.
In two hours, I'll get up to pee, and he'll be thirsty.
It's a vicious cycle.
(doorknob rattling)
(grunting)
One minute!
Open up! This is my last pair of clean pajamas.
Oh, what are you doing up?
Uh, nothing.
Sabrina... she just... Never mind.
What happened? (gasps) She's off her meds.
Did she do something crazy?
I'm not allowed to talk about it.
Jimmy...
Did she hurt you?
No.
Hey, what's up?
Sabrina did something crazy,
and Jimmy won't tell me what it is.
Oh, yeah? It must be good.
Come on, what is it?
All right, fine.
But you guys can't say anything.
She sleeps with a pair of pantyhose on her head.
Excuse me?
Are the pantyhose still on her legs?
No. She's terrified of spiders,
and she's worried they're going to crawl into her ear
and lay eggs in her head while she's sleeping.
(laughing)
Pantyhose on her head.
Hey, we should call her "pantyhose head."
You're not calling her anything; you're not supposed to know.
Does this happen a lot?
This... spiders-crawling- into-people's-heads thing?
One Web site I found says it's an urban legend.
Then it must be true.
Look, just don't say anything about it.
If she's afraid of spiders,
she's sleeping in the wrong house.
This place is so full of spiders,
I've named a couple of them.
I ran into Arlo last week in the hallway
with his three kids and his wife, uh... oh...
I can never remember her name.
(sighs)
(alarm buzzing)
(buzzing stops)
Morning.
Hey.
(sighs) Hey. Is Jimmy here?
Oh, yeah, he's around.
But don't-don't ring the bell.
Virginia's taking a nap.
Said she couldn't sleep last night.
Hey. Hey, how's it going?
(screams)
Okay, calm down. I'm all right. I'm fine.
I'm not in any danger.
(screaming)
I did some research, and this is a way
for you to overcome your fear. (screaming louder)
Once you realize that I'm okay...
(screaming)
...you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.
(screaming)
What in the world...?
(screaming in horror)
Okay, guys, if you could please stop screaming,
I think you're starting to freak the spiders out a little bit.
Why do you have pantyhose on your head?
Because Jimmy told me all about your stupid phobia,
and now I can't sleep without worrying
I'm going to wake up with a head full of spiders.
Oh, you told her?!
You told her when I asked you not to?!
She made me.
Seriously, you guys really need to keep your voices down.
Can you get this one on the...
(both screaming)
Stop screaming.
(screaming)
What the hell is...?
Don't look at me!
God, I can't believe you told her!
And they're biting... They're biting me!
(Jimmy groaning)
He's going to be fine.
There is just some swelling that will go down
within a few days.
If you want to see him,
he's in bed number three.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hey. Is it bad?
Oh, wow!
It's horrible.
I knew it.
Thanks a lot for lying to me, Albert.
ALBERT: Sorry. Didn't want to freak you out.
You weren't lying to me though, were you?
This doesn't look too bad?
Um, no. You're gonna be fine.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
Jimmy, what were you thinking?
I wanted to help you.
I was stupid, I know.
I guess you have an idiot for a boyfriend.
No, no, I used to have an idiot for a boyfriend.
Look, Wyatt just wanted to give me pills
so the problem would go away.
You wanted to help me fix it,
so I didn't have to sleep with pantyhose on my head.
ALBERT: She sleeps with pantyhose on her head?
Shut up.
(sighs) Listen, I'm going to try to sleep without the pantyhose.
Hopefully with your help,
I will get to a place one day where I can do that.
Are you crazy?
Look what these things can do.
Uh, and they're everywhere.
And they have thousands of babies each.
During the day, we can help each other
watch out for them, but at night...
Well, I guess it's good
the pantyhose come in packs of two, huh?
And, I guess, it's also good
that apparently,
we have the same level of weirdness.
ALBERT: Oh, my God, so now you're both sleeping
with pantyhose on your heads?
You guys are weird. (clears throat)
Oh, my God!
Get it out! Get it out!
VIRGINIA: Okay, well, thanks for calling.
Yeah, we'll see you when you get home.
That was Jimmy. He's fine.
He just wanted to make sure we caught the rest of the spiders.
I think I got them all.
I mean, one might have run under the couch,
but I'm sure there's something under there
that can kill a spider.
Look, about me wearing the pantyhose on my head,
I didn't tell you because I thought you would think it was
I shave my feet.
What?
I'm a foot-shaver.
My little piggies look like monkeys.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was gonna, but when you saw Andrew do it,
you were so disgusted, I thought it would be a deal breaker.
The only reason I was disgusted
was because I saw Andrew do it.
No matter what weird thing you ever did,
I would still always just act like
it's normal because...
I love you.
And I wouldn't have made fun of Sabrina wearing pantyhose
on her head if I knew you were going to do that.
I won't make fun of her again.
Oh, no, you can make fun of her,
just not about that. She's short,
she drives that stupid moped. (laughs)
And when she wears that big ol' helmet,
she looks like Gazoo from The Flintstones.
(laughs) See? We'll be fine.
Veronica!
That's Arlo's wife's name.
JIMMY: When you really care about someone,
part of the bargain is they accept your weird stuff...
(screams)
...and you accept theirs,
which allows you to get on with the more fun parts
of really caring about someone.
And on this occasion, one person's weird thing
became all of our weird things.
Except for Maw Maw.
She thought all this "afraid of spiders" stuff was crazy.
(Maw Maw snoring)
Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com