Come on, James. It's been, like, 15 minutes.
Don't rush me.
You're just trying to pick what color you're gonna be.
Fine, I'll be black.
Maybe.
All right, everybody. Listen up.
Just a reminder.
The office Christmas party is upon us.
As always, the booze will be free and flowing.
And, Stuart, you cannot come.
But, Mike, I'm the life of that party.
Stuart, last year you tried to create life at that party.
I believe it was with the cleaning lady on Nikki's desk.
What's the big deal?
Well, for starters, now I have to boil my desk.
And Mike's couch.
CARTER: Uuh!
Finally, as a Christmas present,
the country of Ghana is presenting the central park zoo
with a really, really smart monkey.
Apparently, of all the monkeys in Ghana,
this one eats the least of his own poop.
What can this thing do?
Bobo can talk.
Ha! Bobo can talk!
Bobo can repeat commands.
Ha! Bobo can repeat commands!
You wanna finish this tomorrow?
Nah. Checkmate.
No, it isn't.
I mean, you're gonna go like this.
I'm gonna go like this. You're gonna go like this.
And I'm gonna go like... This. And that's checkmate.
Damn!
Hey, Carter, your psycho dog's trying to kill himself again.
Did you ever think
that maybe he's just playing?
He rolled himself up in a duraflame wrapper
and laid down in the fireplace.
Stuart, you have yet to show
one iota of Christmas spirit.
Hey, that's not true.
Last night I brought home my favorite Christmas movie.
Yeah, frosty, the can't say no man.
Got a phone call from
my parents last night and...
They're flying to oahu
for a second honeymoon,
so guess I'm not going home for Christmas.
Oh. My parents told me not to come home, too.
Yeah? Where they going?
Nowhere.
Well, I guess if you want, we could, uh,
have... Christmas...
together.
Yeah, why not?
Just promise me you won't go overboard.
Don't be such a grinch. We can exchange presents.
We can sing Carols.
We can even... Make a fruitcake.
That's amazing.
You think he's actually reading that?
Yeah, he's checking the personals.
Single, white female, 5'7" blond
seeks diaper-wearing primate.
Bobo, say hello to Mike.
How're you doing?
Mike, ask him to count to 5.
No, I'm not gonna...
All right, Bo... hey, bobo, count to 5.
Is anyone concerned that waving hello and counting to 5
are essentially of the same gesture?
You're offending him, Mike.
He can't be offended. He's a chimp.
He's got a tiny little chimp brain.
Watch this. Hey, bobo, your mother dates red-assed baboons.
Ppppph!
Well, that's clever.
I'm glad you were a good boy this year, a.J.
Now, run over to that elf.
He'll give you a present.
Ho ho ho!
Here you go, kid.
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
Chemical explosion at the keebler factory?
Sir. Listen, gonna take 5 for a smoke break.
Here you go, kid. Merry Christmas.
Mr. mayor, can I have a moment?
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!
I'm not the mayor. Let's keep up the illusion.
Well, young man, what would you like for Christmas?
Um, my dignity back.
Funny, that's what Paul asked for, too.
Must be the hot item this year.
Listen, sir, I had a chance to read your proposal
for the city hall greeting card,
and, uh, while I applaud your instincts,
I don't think we have the funds in the budget
for a Christmas ham scratch 'n' sniff.
I'm having a problem with rabbi rosenthal.
We'll talk about this later.
Santa's gonna take a little break.
In the meantime, you can tell
Mrs. claus what you want for Christmas. Ho ho ho!
Whoa. I was expecting Mrs. claus to be a little plumper.
Not to mention more warmly attired.
Yeah? Well, Santa installed a gym in the north pole,
and the Mrs. Has been working out.
Ok, who's next?
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on now, guys.
Single fathers first.
Hey, Nikki. I haven't seen Arthur.
Oh, yeah. No, he's been hiking in the rain forest.
Hope he has time to Christmas shop.
I'm sure he'll bring something back.
Hopefully malaria.
Hi. I'm looking for a Carter Heywood.
Oh, my God! Rags!
Where'd you get my dog?
Oh, it's a dog.
I'm Lloyd drum. I just moved into your building,
and I found the little guy in the garage
sucking on the tailpipe of a minivan.
Ok. So we've got 2 choices for this year's holiday card layout...
the one that I meticulously crafted,
and the one that you slapped together.
Let me just say,
if it were up to me, we'd be sending yours directly to the printers.
Great.
Janelle, however, despised it.
Right, janelle?
Whatever.
So, I guess we have to go with mine!
Yours? Assuming you liked it.
Great.
Hey... I loved it!
Good.
Stacy, on the other hand,
uh, had some reservations.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I thought it was a little effeminate.
Effeminate?
You heard me.
This is my roommate, Alfred.
Boy, that is one ugly creature.
How big is the animal that coughed that up?
I think he's adorable.
Oh, ha.
You like a guy with experience?
Experience? Sure.
Not civil war experience.
You're embarrassing me, you fool.
This is not one of your bi-weekly visits to the jiggle hut.
Love the jiggle hut.
But you know, they have better nachos at Vinnie's house of buns.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're disgusting. You're disgusting.
Bite me. Bite me.
Paul, we need you to break a tie here.
Um, I want you to tell us which holiday card layout you like more,
mine or Mike's.
I like the mayor's.
Paul, pick one, and I'm not telling you
whose is whose.
STACY, SARCASTICALLY: Ha ha.
This one.
Yes!
I... I was pointing to the one I didn't like!
It's... it's the one I didn't like.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the central park zoo's newest attraction,
one of the most sophisticated primates in the world.
Bobo, play Mary had a little lamb.
What's the monkey's problem?
He's a monkey.
Mike, he's not gonna perform
because you insulted his mother.
Now apologize to bobo.
James, let me explain something to you, ok?
I graduated third in my class at Fordham law.
I help run the most important city in the world.
Apologize to the monkey.
I'm, uh, very sorry, bobo.
(PLAYING Mary had a little lamb)
Hey, bobo, bobo.
I was lying.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Chimp's got some issues.
His antlers keep falling off.
I'm telling you, you staple 'em on,
he's good until new year's.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Ho ho ho!
♪ Alfred and Lloyd are here ♪
So glad you could drop by.
We wouldn't have missed this for anything.
Oh, mistletoe.
Yeah.
Oh, what the hell?
Oh, my God.
Alfred, I gotta tell you,
I thought you were, uh...
straight? Ha ha ha.
Well, I used to think so, too,
but after we lived together for 20 years,
I... well, I couldn't help it.
I just... I just fell for him.
Ha ha ha ha.
It was really just a matter of time.
That's just a great story.
Isn't it, Stuart?
Stuart?
Oh, my God.
Morning.
Uh-huh.
How'd you sleep last night?
Like a baby.
Like a big...
Heterosexual baby.
I'm outta here.
I made reservations at tavern on the green for Christmas day.
Actually, I... I can't make it.
I thought we were spending Christmas together.
My aunt Caroline got in touch with me.
She died 2 years ago!
I have a ouija board.
James, what are all those security guards doing in the lobby?
I don't like getting frisked first thing in the morning.
Oh, they're looking for bobo.
Oh, they found bobo, all right.
I gotta go see the mayor.
Hey, Mike, Mike, be careful. You insulted bobo.
I think the monkey's coming after you.
Ooh, James, I'm shakin'.
I'm going to the supply room. You need anything, Stuart?
No, I'm good.
Wha-ho!
What's with the wave?
There's nothing wrong with my wave.
Not if you're waving good-bye to being straight.
Just hold on a minute here.
If you're trying to say I'm starting to act all foofy
just because I been livin' with Carter, you are so wrong,
because I don't have a foofy bone in my body.
Stuart, look at yourself right now.
Oh, God, make it stop.
Look, look, look, look.
You wanna butch it up,
here's what you do.
Imagine that you're making love
to a woman.
Everything should exude passion.
I could do that.
I could!
Oh!
That's it!
That's it?
A little bigger. That's it, Stuart, but bigger.
Good afternoon, senator.
Ka-pow!
So...
We meet again, Mr. bond.
Hey, hey, don't mess with the board.
That's a bold move.
I wanna go on record just saying
that I actually preferred the mayor's holiday card.
Then why did you pick his?
I, uh...
I had been drinking.
Ok. If you could just all, uh...
Just scrunch in, ok?
Stuart...
You smell nice!
All right, that's it.
I'm moving.
Fine. Just stand wherever you want.
Hey, wait a second. Why does he get to stand next to the mayor?
I told my mother I was going to be next to the major.
Stuart, you stood next to the major last year.
That's because he likes me the best.
No, he doesn't.
You look great, Nikki. Is that a new sweater?
Oh, yeah. Arthur got it for me.
Won't his grandmother miss it?
Ok. In 5, 4...
hey! Hey! All right!
No, no, no, no, no!
I wanna be in the picture! Please come back!
Mr. mayor, get them back. Call them back!
Better luck next year.
Ok...
I believe it was my move.
Hey, do you mind not doing that?
'Cause it's very difficult to concentrate.
There.
Deal with that, bobo fischer.
Hey, you found bobo! I'm gonna call the zoo!
No, James, not yet.
Bobo and I have a little unfinished business.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Get back here, buddy. Gonna kick your ass.
Get over there.
Mike, the zoo is really worried about him.
I knew that.
Ah, a Christmas Carol. One of my favorites.
The story of a man who is shown his destiny
and given the chance to alter his lifestyle accordingly.
Sound familiar?
Reminds me of what aristophanes said to heraclitus
at the foot of mount Olympus during a heated debate:
What's that?
♪ You the man's man, baby! ♪
Ah, Stuart,
it's useless.
Why resist?
You're right.
Uh-huh. And pretty soon you'll be...
what?
Living with you...
It's changed me, Carter.
Stuart, you can't turn somebody gay.
That's the whole point!
Then maybe it's always been there.
Maybe my homophobia is covering up some larger truth.
Nonsense!
Hey, will you stop kidding around? This is hard for me!
Oh, my God. Stuart.
Let's do this.
You and me.
Let's go on a gay cruise.
O-oh... Dear lord.
I wanna shop with you.
I wanna buy us matching sarongs.
And... I wanna dance until the sun comes up.
And, Carter...
Sweet Carter...
Yes, Stuart?
Don't ever mess with me.
I'm outta your league, baby!
I gotta go take a shower.
You have chosen...
Poorly.
Checkmate.
Come on. You are such a child.
Look, I admit it. I admit it. You're smart. Here.
There you go. Hey. There you... uh, hey.
All right.
Mike, the zoo people are here for bobo.
We're gonna need a minute.
Whoa, hey, look at that mistletoe.
Who put that there?
Whaddaya say? Christmas.
All right.
Whoo! That was hot.
I'll have you know that in some countries
a kiss on the cheek is considered more erotic than a kiss on the mouth.
Oh, yeah? Like where?
Kissacheekistan.
So what are you doing for Christmas?
I dunno.
I think I'll just spend it at my place,
you know, with swishy pants.
First Christmas of many, huh?
Whew.
Gotcha a Christmas present.
Hasn't that been on the mantle the last 8 years?
Ha ha ha ha.
I was hopin' to catch ya on one of your bad days.
Hee hee hee.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(BOTH GRUNT) Uh...
You get it. I got it last time.
Damn, you are on fire today!
Caught my belt on my nipple again.
Hey, merry Christmas, guys.
Long time no see. How old are ya now?
88.
You guys wanna go out?
I think tonight is the night...
I actually meet the right woman.
No, I think we're gonna...
Stay here and watch TV.
That is, if Stuart can ever reach the zapper.
Here.
Have fun.
If you have sex, you have to tell me about it.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna go visit Paul,
you know, at the institution.
My God, the way that man runs around, I...(INHALES)
Can't believe he's still alive!
You know who I can't believe is still alive?
Who? Ha.
Anyway...
Eee-eah. I'm not in the mood!
Can we at least hold hands?
Merry Christmas, Carter.
Merry Christmas, uh...
Duh...
Stuart.
Yeah!
(SHUDDERS) Ohh...
Come on. Let's go.
Oh, hey! And for Christmas Eve,
I picked us up 2 tickets to a Christmas Carol.
Stuart, it says here the show is all nude.
Relax. There's something for everybody.
Wait till you see the guy that they cast as "not so tiny Tim."
That's right. I am the inter-mammal chess champion!
Mike, this is without a doubt
our best holiday card yet!
Well, actually, sir,
I feel that I was responsible
for putting this whole thing together.
Great job, Paul.
This gonna affect my bonus?
Oh, I don't see how that's possible.
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(BARKING)
Moo.
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