- This season on "vanderpump rules"...
- Let's go!
[pop music] [screams]
- Whoo! ¶ ¶
[glass breaks]
- Something's going on and I don't like it.
I smell trouble.
- Just don't break any more hearts.
- I'm sure people have warned you about me.
- Of course.
- I do definitely need another girl's name
Tattooed on my arm.
- I love you.
- So who did you f*** Friday night? I'm curious.
- I swear to you we did not have sex.
- You're a f***ing liar.
- James leaves kristen and now he's hooking up
With the new girl.
- I'm lala. - I'm lala.
- Lala. - Lala's like that pretty,
Hot girl that wants to be a slut,
But won't admit she's a slut, but really,
She's a huge slut.
- Some people call me a bitch,
But I just call it having a f***ing badass life.
- Sit the f*** down. - All right, all right!
- Chill the f*** out about your goddamn band
And your stupid-ass music.
- Aah!
- Stop making everybody look like sh*á
Because you're too much of a pussy to admit
To admit to your f***ing wrong-doing.
- He's just been drinking, like, so much lately.
- You're addicted to pills?
- Ever since I've known you guys.
- Holy sh**.
- He needs to get clean.
He needs to take responsibility for the fact
That he's married this girl and he needs
To get his sh** together.
- I moved up here and changed my entire life
To be with you.
I had a f***ing boob job.
- Surgery that I paid for.
- You are nothing.
You are the sh** on the bottom of my shoe.
I am the most powerful bitch in the world.
- I'm giving you a heads-up that there's a war coming.
- I just don't want to hang out with kristen!
- That's fine.
- Then f***ing let it go!
- Jax just got arrested.
- Who's gonna post the bail?
- What can I do? I'm locked in a cell.
- I'm never gonna be nice about you
Until you radically change.
- How am I gonna radically change?
- Maybe, like, a lobotomy might help.
- I can't make the commitment.
- You've wimped out just like a big, bloody wussy pussy.
- Katie maloney... - [squeals]
- You're the love of my life.
[cheers] [applause]
- Her perfect life with her perfect boyfriend
And her perfect, stupid sh**
Is crumbling right now.
- I can't believe she's back in the picture.
- Can I tell you what I want?
- What do you want?
- You hate me, lisa.
- You're not important enough to hate.
Sit down.
[dena deadly's "raise your glass"]
- ¶ you know ¶
¶ that it's our time ¶
¶ these are the best days ¶
¶ of our lives ¶
¶ just raise your glasses high¶
¶ this one's for you tonight ¶
[the new black tea's "ching-a-ling"]
- ¶ ching-a-ling, oh, yeah ¶
¶ I'm cashing in, yep, that's what I'm doing ¶
¶ ching-a-ling, ching-a-ling, ching-a-ling, oh, yeah ¶
¶ I'm cashing in on a love superhuman ¶
- Peter. - Good afternoon.
- How are you? - Good, lisa.
- Don't forget we've got a meeting--two minutes.
- Got it.
- Last year was incredibly demanding.
I was focused on opening pump.
[indistinct crowd chatter]
- Hello, you two.
I'm thrilled to say it's been a great success,
But now I'm turning my attention back to sur.
Katie! - Yes.
- How are you? - Good, how are you?
- Don't forget--meeting. One minute.
¶ ¶
How are you? You can kiss me.
- I'm great. How are you?
- Mm. I'm good. Are you coming to the meeting?
- Of course.
- ¶ ching-a-ling, ching-a-ling, ching-a-ling, oh, yeah ¶
¶ I'm cashing in, yeah, that's what I'm doing ¶
¶ ching-a-ling, ching-a-ling, ching-a-ling, oh, yeah ¶
- All righty. Playtime's over.
Just want to touch base with you.
See how you're all doing.
We are having some renovations done as you've seen.
Giving sur a lick of paint, and obviously
Jax is having his own personal renovations done.
[laughter]
- I'm also renovating myself.
This is round three on my nose.
- What's wrong with your ear?
- The ear--so, what they did is they took skin
From behind my ear... - Oh.
- And put it into my nose.
After my second surgery, I developed some calluses.
It created a bump.
I didn't like the way it looked.
Vanity reasons, I went in and I changed it--
Again.
- New, fresh menu. We like this.
- Wow, those are really pretty. [indistinct praise]
- So we're making an effort.
I also want to talk about the fact
That the service has dropped from 18%
To now it's 16-17%. - Gratuity?
- Yeah. - Okay.
- So our service needs tweaking.
I care a lot about the gratuities
Not because it's money in my pocket--
It's not--but it's about the diner's experience
And I'm always looking for perfection.
You, I have a problem with.
A glass of wine was thrown at pump.
- Kristen yet again tried to come into pump
And I've been dj-ing every single night.
[club music]
- Well, I need you as a busser here.
- I'm willing to definitely work
As as a busboy for you, like, as long as I can
Keep dj-ing.
- You've been doing a really good job.
- Thank you. - I totally support you on that.
- Right. - However, I want to hear
About the glass of wine.
- I didn't throw no glass of wine.
Kristen's been coming in with her friends.
- Rachel, carmen-- - well, why is she coming
Into pump?
- I don't know. She's just day-drinking
On a Sunday-- I don't know.
- On a Monday, on a Tuesday.
On a Wednesday. - Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday.
- Throughout the years, me and kristen
Definitely had our ups and downs...
And our downs.
- She's the **** who hooked up with my f***ing boyfriend.
- And our downs. I want you to admit it to me!
- I'm not lying to you, tom.
- And our downs.
I'm just tired of arguing all the time, man.
I'm just really glad she's out of my life.
Sorry, james, I gotta say again--
Better you than me, pal.
- So let's just make a decision right now.
Kristen is not in pump and not in sur when you're working,
Okay? - All right.
I worked too hard on becoming the dj
To go back to bussing f***ing tables
Because of kristen.
- There's still kind of problems with some of you committing,
You know, to the restaurant and being lazy asses
And not showing up.
Tom, I'm looking at you mainly.
You've worked probably six shifts in months.
- That's not true. - It is true.
- That's not true, lisa. - A thousand percent it's true.
- I know for a fact I'm one of lisa's best bartenders,
But for some reason, she's deciding to single me out.
- When somebody's here one week and then they're not here
For three weeks, it doesn't work.
- Don't throw me under the bus and make me look
Like an ass****. - You're under the bus
And I'm driving it backwards and forwards over you.
I don't care. No.
I am 50-f***ing-4 years old.
I deserve respect.
You want to go head-to-head with me, tom?
Bring it because you're not going to win this one.
- We're doing the best that we can.
- Well, the best isn't good enough.
Okay, let's have a great service tonight.
We're good, but we gotta get better, okay?
[claps] - [animal call]
[club music]
¶ ¶
- You're welcome.
- That meeting was interesting.
- Um, I was scared for a minute.
It was coming from, like, every angle.
- I kinda just had to laugh.
- Well, I'm, like, looking forward
To your birthday. - Me too.
This last year has been amazing.
The wedding was absolutely beautiful.
- I now declare you to be husband and wife.
[cheers]
Married life has been amazing.
I'm now going into a new chapter of my life.
I'm turning 30.
I just want to do something so fun,
So we're gonna do a decade-themed party
And, you know, any excuse to be the center of attention
Isn't always the worst idea for me.
I need to get a belt still.
I'm doing "like a virgin"-- madonna.
- Scheana and I started becoming good, close friends
Towards the end of last summer and stassi and I's friendship
Was done.
- I have to deal with these people and you are
The last link to them.
- Oh, shut the f*** up, stassi.
I'm happy now, and it is a little liberating.
I heard a bit of information about stassi and patrick.
Apparently, like, they were going through tough times
And have decided that, in order to resolve
Those tough times, they need to live separately.
- That's like schwartz being, like, "hey, before
"we get engaged, I think I'm gonna move out
"and live away from you and then
See if I want to come back." like, who does that?
I better be a bridesmaid in your wedding, bitch.
It's gonna happen. - We'll think about it.
About nine months ago, I gave tom an ultimatum.
Either put a ring on it or pack your bags.
- You have six months.
But I don't feel like you think I'm serious.
- I know you're serious.
- But the question is, are you?
You can call me a pushover. You can call me weak--
Whatever you want, but I am confident
That a ring is on its way.
- Well, you're not gonna be practically engaged forever.
- And it will not be on a string.
- Har, har, har.
[club music]
- More sangria for the table, anybody?
¶ ¶
- Hey, what's up, man? - Hey, what's going on?
- Here's some more glasses for ya.
- This is the punishment I get for, uh--
Getting a nose job.
Lisa wants me to stay behind the scenes
Because, well, right now, I'm not that pretty to look at.
But, after this is all healed, I'll be really good to look at.
So that meeting-- not to pry into your business,
But, from what I hear, you're doing pretty good
At the dj-ing thing right now.
Do you really need kristen to start f***ing up your thing,
Man?
- Well, lisa's relationship with kristen hasn't always
Been the best thing, and to be honest--
- I get it. I get it, but, but, but--
But what she's doing is affecting your job,
Don't you think?
- Well, not yet. I feel like lisa was being
Very lenient with me earlier and gave me a warning
Because that was, you know, scary.
What if it does start jeopardizing my job?
Then what? Then I'm pretty much f***ed.
- Mark my words, man. She's a ticking time-bomb, man.
- Yeah. - And I'm just looking at you
As you're a young guy and that you're focusing
On your dj career. - Right.
- You should be wanted moving up.
- Listen, I know that we haven't, like,
Kicked it as much in the last couple months,
But we've been in the same group of friends
For a while now.
- No, you hang out with my ex-girlfriend,
Which kills me to death. Trust me.
- Does it really? - It does.
Over the past six months to a year,
Carmen was the main girl in my life.
- You're 35 years old. Stop with the partying.
Get focused! Get on track!
Get your life together.
- Carmen and I are not dating anymore.
You know, we talk once and while,
But carmen is friends with kristen,
Which really pisses me off.
Apparently a friend of mine that asked her out.
They've never hooked up, have they?
- [laughs] uh--
They may--
- Have kissed? - Yeah.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, that may have happened in a hotel room.
- Of course it bothers me that carmen's seeing other guys.
She broke it off before I kinda was ready to.
There's been a few girls in my life that are really good
At twisting that knife and she knows how to do it.
- I'm staying out of it, man.
I'm just gonna keep my head down,
Work a little bit, dj tonight.
Keep it cool, you know? - All right.
- All right, mate. I'll see you in a bit.
[indistinct crowd noise]
[ominous music]
¶ ¶
- [exhales]
[receiver rings]
- Hi.
- Nothing.
- Nope. No. I swear to f***ing god.
- No! No, no! I did not.
When you're telling a guy information about a girl,
You don't want to think, oh, you're gonna have to go
And ask him about not telling her.
Don't go running to your girl five seconds after
To go blabber your mouth about it.
That just goes ahead and makes me look like an ass****.
- Oh, my god. You're so annoying!
Then why am I talking to you?
He's gonna text carmen everything.
You're listening to what the f***
Jax is talking to you. You're a f***ing idiot,
Kristen.
You f***ing, f***ing dumbass.
- Coming up...
- You shouldn't have texted carmen right after
I talked to you.
- Stop running your mouth about things that are not relevant.
- Stop coming here to my place of work
And f***ing sh** up for me.
- Enjoy your dinner. - Thank you.
- Enjoy your dinner.
- You shouldn't have texted carmen right after I talked
To you. - I can text carmen.
- Now kristen's sitting there with carmen
And she's texting me that you're telling carmen
That I told you about all these f***ing people.
- But you did tell me about this!
- But why are you texting them?
- But who cares? Why do you care?
- Because this is what I have to deal with, jax.
Jax doesn't give a sh** that he sold me out
To my girlfriend.
I don't even think he thought twice about it.
He probably didn't even think about it once.
Jax has bro code.
His bro code is, "f*** you, bros."
- James, what's the problem? - Nothing. Nothing's a problem.
All right, whatever.
[club music]
- Ooh, I heard we have a birthday this weekend.
- [squeals]
- I was trying to figure out this bill.
You ready to go?
- I've had a bit of a long day, to be honest.
- Give me a kiss? - Do I have to?
Mm.
I had a long meeting with the staff.
Sandoval gave me a bit of attitude.
Not happy with him at all right now.
I have really been frustrated with tom sandoval.
I can't have him just showing up
To pick up a shift when he feels like it.
If tom's not committed, there's no place for him here.
- You want me to talk to him?
- No, not yet.
But I might need to-- [ken laughs]
Call you in later.
The heavy artillery.
- The day you need me to help you in here
Is the day you retire.
Okay, I'll leave this here for guillermo.
- All right. - Let's go.
Wait for me, baby.
[club music]
¶ ¶
- How are we enjoying it all? - It's very good.
- Hey.
- How's the lounge life? - Loungey?
- So apparently I'm scheduled four times this week
Because jax decided to get his nose fixed.
- You're coming to my party.
- Yes, yes.
- Yeah. - I'm coming.
- Okay.
You do know james is dj-ing, right?
- There's so many other djs.
I--dude, I'm not saying james-- james is a great dj,
But I'm-- - james, shay and I are
Still cool--we're still friends. - I understand.
- Him and kristen are not gonna f***ing
Stay together forever. We all know that.
- Is she coming to your birthday party?
- She's not f***ing invited.
- With kristen, you have to actually ban her
From the premises. Otherwise, she will show up.
- It sucks because I want to be able to have fun.
And I don't want this f***ing, like, wicked witch
F***ing hanging over sh**.
- I just wish certain people gave me personally a reason
To not like them, because when no one's given me
A direct reason, it makes it so much easier
For me to be nice, but--
- I'm a direct reason. He's a direct reason.
Unfortunately, at some point, scheana's going to have
To acknowledge the fact that kristen has been
A horrible person to me,
Who is supposed to be her best friend.
- Can't we all just get along?
- Ew. - Ew.
- Get outta here.
- How's it going?
- God, what are you doing here?
- Hi, lovely to see you too.
- Listen, really quick. Let me explain.
James told me something that I didn't want to hear.
- I don't even know all of that
And I'm not getting involved in all that.
I feel like james is just talking out of his ass
Right now. - Okay, but, so--
He just told me. That's why I was upset!
- My relationship with james hasn't been great for a while.
The last f***ing thing I need is for james to be running
To jax and spilling my secrets.
Keep your big mouth shut. It's simple.
- I'm heated about my situation with carmen.
I got mad. - Learn to control
Your f***ing anger, bro. You're in your 30s.
Like-- - so are you. So are you!
- And I control my anger.
- You shouldn't have came over here to start a fight!
- I have a very different approach to life these days.
Getting fired-- it was kind of a relief.
- I've had enough of your bullsh**.
You're fired from sur restaurant
And it's done.
- I've really been focusing on my t-shirt line
And one of the major things that I've worked on
In therapy is to not act like a psycho.
F*** off! No! F*** off!
Get the f*** out of my face. - Ow!
- Stop it! Who the f*** are you?
I've learned that I don't always have to react.
Here we go. - Hi.
- So this is what's going on. - What's up?
- So you're the one who is--
- You don't want to give me a hug hello first?
- No, I really don't. - Babe, please.
- So you're the one who's starting a whole lot of sh**.
- How are you coming here with this when I've got
To start dj-ing right now.
- Because you just started a lot of sh**.
- You're swaddling around. - So you just started--
- Are you drunk? 'cause you look drunk.
I've got to get my dj equipment.
I'm just getting a little a panicky right now.
Lisa cannot find out that kristen is in the back
Of sur causing problems.
- Stop running your mouth about things
That are not relevant.
- Oh, my god! You guys!
I would rather lose my relationship with kristen
Than ruin my dj career.
Girls come and go, but dreams are
With you forever.
- All this dilly-dallying bullcrap--
I've got a job to do, okay?
And I'm not f***ing prepared to lose it over
My f***ing girlfriend's bullsh**,
All right, kristen?
Stop coming here to my place of work
And f***ing sh** up for me! - Buh-bye.
- Sit there with your little crazy smirk.
Sit there.
I've got a f***ing job to do.
[club music]
¶ ¶
- ¶ we're the ones who never sleep ¶
¶ even with our hearts on the offbeat ¶
- Thank you. You take care.
- My mother's turning 60. She lives in florida
And she's never really been to l.A.
And she's always wanted to meet my friends.
[knocks]
- Oh, look at you! You feeling okay?
[giggles]
Both: Hi! [kisses]
Let me give you the little tour.
- Ah, it's very cool.
- Of course it would be amazing to show my mom
Around my beverly hills mansion.
It's, like, my closet.
But, you know, even if I had all that,
I wouldn't live like that. It's just not me.
Do you want a glass of wine?
- Did you take this or was this a gift?
- Lisa may or may not know that I have this bottle.
- Old habits don't die.
- That's another thing I was telling my friends
That the only person who calls me jason is my mom,
My dad, and my sister.
I know you hate the name jax and I told my friends,
"don't call me jax in front of my mother.
She does not like that."
- Well, they can call you, I just won't--
I can't get used to it.
- My stage name/modeling name has been jax taylor.
For her to call me jax would be just weird.
So you're here.
This is the big birthday weekend.
The big 6-0. - [laughs]
I mean-- I know.
- So we have a really busy schedule,
So we are gonna go to villa blanca.
- Mm-hmm. - We're gonna have lunch
With scheana's mom, erika. - Oh, yeah.
- She's turning 50 on the same day
That you're turning 60 and scheana's turning 30--
All in the same day, isn't that crazy?
- Yeah, that is. - Then, after that,
We have the party. - Oh, great.
So how are you doing? Everything's doing okay?
- I'm great, I mean, as far as, you know, work.
As far as, you know, girls-- - just take a break.
- That's what I'm gonna do. - Take a break.
- I think I just need to take a break.
- Stop, please! - I know.
- Stop, okay? - I know, I know.
- I can't wait to meet the young woman
That actually you fall in love with her,
And it's going to happen if you just stop for a while
And let it happen.
You need to understand who you are
And why you're like that, and I hate to say it.
- That's so true. It's so true.
- Was that seaside sign-- is that from my house?
- No-- [laughs]
There is some things in this house
That may be yours that I took.
[both laugh]
All the silverware is from sur.
- I take it they're not gifts from lisa.
- Well, they were gifts.
She just doesn't know that I have the gifts.
[both laugh]
- Coming up...
- Sounds cheesy, but I'm ready. - Really?
- I actually want to propose.
- ¶ let's get lost ¶
¶ ¶
[knocks]
- Hi. - Yo.
- Brought you flowers for being rude to you yesterday.
I'm sorry.
- Are you?
- Yeah, I felt bad about it.
- Which part?
- About telling you to f*** off and calling you names
When I got angry at you.
- This is how it always goes with james.
Jekyll and f***ing hyde.
I never know if he's gonna be super sweet
Or a total psycho.
Why is it your business to tell carmen's business.
Jax isn't your friend, so if you're gonna lie to someone--
- Yeah, I know, but he's not not my friend.
It honestly just drives her crazy that I'm hanging
Around all her old friends.
I think she's got, you know, a little bit of a case
Of fomo-- she has "fear of missing out."
Last year at scheana'a birthday party,
I went into thinking I was gonna dj.
It was gonna be a great night and next thing you know,
Me and tom were ripping each other's faces off.
Don't get smart with me.
Don't f***ing threaten when you're all--
- Whoa! Whoa!
- Stop it! - Whoever started this sh**,
Get the f*** out!
- That wasn't my fault.
- That reflecting onto this year is
The complete opposite of what I want to happen.
I want to go there and have a great night
With everybody and have fun with everyone.
- Awesome.
- If we're not gonna fight and everything's gonna be fine.
[scoffs] can I not say that?
- No, because this is what you do.
You project negative energy.
If you don't want me to come to scheana's birthday
With you, then I'm not gonna come to scheana's birthday
With you. It's that simple.
- Kristen, I don't not want that,
But I also don't want to show up with you
And have it go to sh** again.
- I want to be with you.
I don't want to be with anyone else.
I don't think about dating.
I love you, but then I'm like,
"is this healthy for me?"
- [scoffs] f***.
- I just feel like I kind of need to figure it out
Day by day.
- Let's have a good night, then. Okay?
- Okay.
- Very pretty.
Okay, I just want a hug then. Come here.
[kisses] mm.
- You smell like food. - Do I?
[pop music]
¶ ¶
- Look at villa blanca.
- I know! You're finally here.
- Finally! - So nice to meet you.
- Oh, you too.
Good, how are you? - Good.
- And thanks for taking care of the big boy.
- Hi. - Hi!
- Of course! - So nice to meet you finally.
- You too. Congratulations for your wedding.
- Happy birthday. - Thank you so much.
I can't offer any information about jax's life in l.A.
To his mom, because who knows how many lies
He's told his mom? I'm like, "does she really know
Where you live?"
- I'm really nervous.
- I'll tell you stories that you don't know about.
- Oh, my gosh.
I'm sweating bullets, I'm not gonna lie right now.
- Oh, no! - Hi!
- This is my mother, finally. - This is the woman.
- This is the woman who gave--
- We have much to talk about.
I'm gonna take a seat. - Okay.
- Hello, erika, how are you?
- Hi, nice to see you.
- Hi, darling.
- I don't do fake kisses. I do full-on hugs.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, I'm gonna have some fun.
What was he like as a child?
Was he as bad as he is now?
- Yes.
[all laugh]
- Okay, so I have to ask.
How many of the girlfriends have you met?
There's carter. There's kentucky.
- She's visiting on Sunday.
I'm currently talking to a girl named brittany.
She's from a small town in kentucky.
- Kentucky, she's not moving in, right?
- She's not moving in. I promise.
I'm not doing that anymore.
- No, he just gives them spare keys.
- [laughs] - oh.
- I'm not getting any younger.
I would like to settle down at some point,
But, you know, I still have that wandering eye
And I still always think there's always something
Better out there. So, we'll see.
- She did not like stassi.
- I loved stassi in the beginning.
As time went on, I just saw the personality change.
Not that this is an angel, by any means.
- No. - Oh, wow, way to go, mommy.
- He's like the puppy that pees on the carpet
That you can't get mad at.
- All the time. You can't.
- So he's always been that way, though?
- Always. - Yeah.
- Always. - Ah.
- Always, always, always.
When my daughter was ten, her aunt got her
A beautiful, beautiful cross.
Jason had a little girlfriend and it was her birthday,
So he stole his sister's cross.
- Oh, really?
- You know he still does that? - No, I don't.
- Yeah, he took carmen's glasses from his apartment,
Wrapped them and gave them to katie for her birthday
A few months ago.
- And then carmen saw them on instagram.
I used to forge my mom's signature
On all my tests and I used to fake
And copy my report cards and change the grades.
But I did feel bad. Sorry, mom.
- What's the naughtiest thing he ever did?
- Remember when you came in with the bus driver?
And she was crying-- beautiful blonde woman.
Here's my 12-year-old's first experience
With hitting on an older woman.
[laughs] - oh, oh, oh, okay.
- She comes knocking at the door
And she goes, "I came down on the bus, I'm standing there,
And your son takes her in a dip
And lays one right on her lips." - [laughs]
- I love your mother, you know what?
I imagined jax's mother to be devoid of any feelings.
Kind of brought him up really to not give a damn
About anybody or anything, and there's this woman
Who's just so funny and she's so sweet,
But she's totally got jax's number.
The only good qualities you have I think you clearly get
From your mother.
- He's nice to 85% of the customers.
- 85% of the-- - and dating the other 20.
[laughs] - exactly.
- Don't you love us getting together.
[all laugh]
- Thank you, dude. - [laughs]
- Oh, wait. - Is this it?
- Hello. - How are you?
- How are you guys doing? - Good.
- [sighs] good.
- Good. - A little nervous.
- Yeah? - A little nervous.
- Are you the one getting the perm today?
- Yeah, there's a decade party tonight.
- All right. - I'm going as '70s.
- You're really gonna do this? - I've put a lot of thought
Into this and uh, yeah, I'm getting a perm.
- A perm is a commitment, hence the name "perm."
I'm proud of him.
I just think that he might be committing to the wrong thing.
- The way I look at it, it's like a symbolic gesture.
You don't want to be the guy who has a perm
And doesn't have his sh** together, right?
I've unofficially declared this the year of tom,
And I decided I'm gonna undergo a metamorphosis.
I exorcised all of my inner douche last year.
I was just kind of a schmuck of a boyfriend.
I cheated on katie.
I actually did, like, make out with that girl.
And, uh, I gave her a ring on a string.
- Putting a ring on a string.
- No, but don't think too much about it.
- It's not really what a girl pushing 30 wants to hear.
- This is my year of redemption.
If I could set my hair straight,
Maybe I can set my life straight.
Even though the hair is curly.
You get what I'm trying to say, right?
The good news is, is that, for the first time,
It sounds cheesy, but I'm ready.
- Really? - Yeah.
Like, I actually wanna propose.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I've never heard schwartz actually say this
Out loud.
- Has a guy ever come in here and got a perm before me?
- Um, not since I've been here.
- Nice. I'm like a perm pioneer.
- All right, perfect. Well, come on over.
It looks good. - Yeah?
- Yeah.
Of course, it's not styled fully yet.
- Okay, all right, so-- okay, yeah.
Hoo-hoo! Yeah it's just, like, wavy.
- Looking good, dude.
- It's not as permy as I wanted it to be,
But I think this is better. I think it's more realistic.
It's actually perfect. - Dude, it looks good.
- And it's got zest. - It does.
- It's got pizazz.
- You're never gonna work again in this town.
- [laughs] - but it looks good.
- Coming up...
- Would you get me a drink? - You don't need liquor.
- You're not gonna tell me sh** when I'm dj-ing.
¶ ¶
- Tom and tom look like two undercover,
Slightly rapey-looking cops from the '70s
And then we've got ariana, who looks like she should be
At the factory with andy warhol.
I modeled my costume after cher of "clueless."
We are definitely the most awesome foursome
In the history of time.
- When I get a costume, it's a head-to-toe transformation.
I give myself a name, a backstory--
And chip harley is damn near invincible.
What's up, guys?
- I'm dressed as danny zuko.
My mom's audrey hepburn tonight,
"breakfast at tiffany's."
Carmen said she didn't want to come to the party,
So I just went one name down on my contact list.
Carter--invited her.
- Oh, my god. Peter!
- Hey-o! - Jax, by the way.
- I'm sarah, hi. - This is sarah.
- Nice to meet you.
- I think we all have an inner hair metal,
Glam rocker inside of us and I'm letting it out.
- Dude! This is awesome.
- Is your mom here? - Yeah, she's right here.
Mom, tom. - Hey!
[overlapping chatter]
- This is awesome. - Thank you.
- My mom's 60. It's her 60th birthday.
- What? - Yeah.
- Happy birthday! - Thank you very much.
- Where's your daughter?
- Hi! [cheers]
Growing up, I was obsessed with madonna.
So, I know I'm married, but I can still be like a virgin.
- Happy birthday, mama. You look amazing!
Holy sh**.
- You guys look amazing. - And you look so good.
[indistinct chatter]
- This is f***ing awesome.
All of my friends totally nailed their looks,
And everyone looks really hot.
- Happy birthday! - Hey! I love it.
- Oh, my god. You look so cute.
- Gina's definitely not stressed about turning 30
'cause she knows that 30 is sexy.
And what does she care anyway? She's already married.
I mean--
- Here goes nothing!
- Clearly, I was not technically invited,
But I know that scheana, really deep down,
Wants me at her birthday party.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, kristen must have misheard.
She thought it was a cleavage party,
Not a costume party.
- Yeah.
[music starts]
¶ ¶
- I didn't want to do a decades costume.
I mean, I lived the '70s. I can't remember the '80s,
So I think I'll just go as lisa vanderpump.
Oh, my god.
- The question is, "are you gonna have a drink?"
- I've had two already.
I've dressed up as a '60s, modern day, woodstock rock star.
I styled it myself. I cut it myself.
Yet again, I'm the guy with the best hair
At the party.
Sorry, tom.
- Who's running the ship then?
- Huh?
- Who's running the ship?
- [speaks indistinctly]
- Hello-- happy birthday, darling.
- See?
- I'm not surprised to see scheana dressed as madonna.
- Scheana and shay wouldn't go as sonny and cher
Or john and yoko because scheana is always the star
In that relationship and shay very much
Is kind of laid back in the background.
- Where is my husband? Can you--can someone find him
For me, please?
Where the f*** is he? I don't know.
[dance music]
¶ ¶
- Hi, hi!
- One.
I swear.
- A beer? You don't need liquor.
A beer?
- Yeah, sure. Whatever.
If there's one thing I hate, it's someone telling me
That I'm doing something when I haven't even done it yet.
You already think I'm drunk? F***.
I'm gonna go get f***ing sh**-faced.
You're not gonna tell me sh** when I'm dj-ing, okay.
- Okay. All right.
- Hey. - Hey?
- I already ordered it for him. - What did you get him? No.
He needs a beer. - Vodka and ginger.
- No.
- Thank you. - Uh, well, he asked me for one,
So I got him one. - He just told me to get him
A beer. I said, "how many have you had?"
He said, "one."
- All right, well you caught us red-handed, then.
- I'm not his mom. - Hey--
- Give him that and I'm not gonna give him a beer.
James is on his way to being a drunken ass****.
- [laughs]
Kristen, where are you, darling?
- Coming up...
- I may or may not have a fake friend.
- Scheana?
- [laughs]
¶ ¶
- Whoo!
[claps] yeah!
- Kristen, get outta here.
What the f***, man. Get a life.
- What's up, guys?
- Are you gonna talk to tom?
- How's it going tonight?
- You, I got a bone to pick with you.
- I know, I know.
- Don't ever disrespect my wife.
- All right. - Ever, okay?
- Okay.
- Otherwise, you might regret it.
- Me and lisa already talked about this.
And now she's decided to sic her husband on me.
Some of that british gangster really comes through.
- I apologized.
- It's about respect.
- You can never do that to her.
- The best thing to do is just sort of ride it out
And eventually, they'll move on to somebody else.
- Anyway, we'll talk later-- go and have a good time.
- All right, you guys too.
[ethereal dance music]
¶ ¶
[overlapping chatter]
- I get this one.
- Whoo!
- I've already had a wedding. I'm now turning 30.
This is, like, my last opportunity to really be
The center of attention for a while.
[dance music]
¶ ¶
- You, my dear, might be in a little bit of trouble with me.
- It's a very interesting story that you heard.
- Okay, would you like to tell me your version?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- I don't even work for lisa anymore
And she'll still find something to reprimand me about.
- Do you admit there was a problem?
- He was very aggressive and upset that day.
- Yeah, but you came to his workplace.
- He asked me to come.
- I'm asking for the impossible.
I'm asking for taking responsibility.
But it's kristen I'm asking, so clearly,
It's never gonna happen.
- I think it's really unfair for you to point
The blame on me.
I think that's really judgmental
And really unfair.
I love being at pump, but if it's gonna be an issue,
I could spend $15 on a glass of wine
In many other bars in l.A.
- Well, maybe that's a good idea...
- No. - 'cause he's in danger
Of losing his job.
- But that's his-- it's his temper problem,
Not mine.
- She lost her own job-- she did an excellent job
At that, but now she wants
To lose james' job as well.
I mean, are there no bounds to her stupidity?
- The best scenario for me right now
Is for you not to be around him when he's working.
- Okay.
It's good to see you. You look lovely.
Kiss?
[dance music]
¶ ¶
- I got you some wine. - Thank you.
- You having a good time?
- I am, thank you.
- I mean, uh, honestly,
You're, like, the hit of the party.
- Aw.
- You're having a great time? You having a good time?
- Jason, I'm having--
I--I--I-- this has been--
- This is fun, right?
- It has been unreal.
You have such nice people in your life.
- I mean, my friends are great right?
Tom, tom, are like my brothers.
They're my blood and when I do get married,
If that day ever comes, those two are like my blood
And I would do anything in the world for them.
- Are you feeling all right, though?
- Yeah, yeah, I mean, the medication is helping.
- Hey, will you leave the wig on for later?
- Yeah, it's my hair.
It's a crimper.
I've seen kristen several times over the past few months
And she's definitely more pleasant to be around.
I know I didn't, like, specifically invite you.
I know james invited you.
- That's clearly why I'm not.
- I still have a f***ing soft spot
For kristen.
There's something about her that I just can't hate.
Well, I like this.
- I'm post-millennial.
- Look at this view.
- Oh, my god, sexy. Look at the sunset strip.
- I've never been up here. - No, lookit, you can--
Our apartment's right over there.
- You're so committed. - [sighs]
- Oh, sh**.
- Tom, take the rollerskates off.
- Champ! - I know, I know.
- He's so committed.
- What a f***ing night.
- I don't know. - Not even in a costume.
- Something's telling me I may or may not
Have a fake friend.
- When she says things like,
"well, she's never done anything to me,"
I'm like, "when did I not become important?"
- I just wish certain people gave me personally a reason
To not like them, because when no one's given me
A direct reason, it makes it so much easier
For me to be nice.
- I'm a direct reason. - He's a direct reason.
- After what transpired a year ago
And the concerted effort that was made.
Kristen wanted me to get hit by planes, trains.
She wanted me to die.
- I do wish she would get hit by a mack truck
Or something.
- And it absolutely should not be okay
With my best friend, scheana.
I have a really amazing life and I don't have room
In my life for f***ing bullsh**.
And if I stand alone in that, I stand alone.
- I can tell you that whatever you do,
I'm with you 100%.
You are my f***ing world.
You know, when like, sh** gets f***ing weird?
I'll just look at you, you can look at me,
And we could just take a vacation.
By the way. - Yeah?
- [giggles] so do you.
- Coming up...
- Oh, my god-- james!
- James, james-- no, no, james.
- Holy sh**!
- What?
- That was a beautiful f***ing time tonight.
I had a blast. - It was great.
- Yeah!
- Ask and you shall receive. - I knew it!
- Mm. I don't know if I can.
- Oh, my god.
- James, james, james. - Oh, my god--james.
- James, james-- no, no, james.
- Holy sh**, dude.
- What? - That was f***in'--
That was a waterfall!
No, no, no--james!
- Watching james with this bottle of fireball
Is like watching the money shot in a porno.
I mean, it's just like, tongue out, eyes closed--
Splashing all over his face.
- Holy sh**!
- Oi, I'm from the '60s!
- Oh, my god. - The '60s!
That was, like, really good. You were like--
- James clearly has had--
I didn't even know he had that much to drink,
But he's, like-- he's over the edge--I'm sorry.
- He's definitely having fun.
- That was so crazy, guys!
- I don't feel like I can calm him down.
I feel like if I try to say something to him,
He's gonna bark at me.
- Kristen, come sit with me.
- F***ing embarrassing.
I'm over this sh**.
I think you should just kind of chill a little bit.
None of us need to get too turnt right now, you know?
I'm just saying--
- Listen, I'm just sick of making you upset, kristen.
Kristen definitely drives me to drink.
She just makes me feel, like, unwanted, insecure--
My next plan is to just have the time of my night.
- Jamesy, baby! No more--james.
- You are the most beautiful girl I've ever
Laid eyes on.
- James is right up in jenna's face
Whispering god knows what.
Yeah-- it bothers me.
- It's a weird, f***ed up love that I still have for you.
And if we made music together, okay,
It's gonna seriously cause a bridge.
- I'll be right back. I'll be right back.
Dj lightweight over here is f***ing hammered.
I don't think this is gonna end well.
But the last thing chip harley's ever gonna let happen
Is a party wind down.
All: Oh!
- You're joking! - What?
[laughter and cheers]
[indistinct chatter]
- Whoo!
- Next time, on "vanderpump rules"...
- Hello, lala. - Hi, lisa.
- How many training sessions have you done?
- Three.
- Bring in a couple of new people.
Keeps the old employees on their toes.
People are replaceable.
- No one's punched me in the face
Or called me a bitch yet.
- Well, that's good.
- Hi. - Hello.
- Welcome to l.A.
- It's just nice to meet somebody
That has no real idea about my past.
- Are you moving in? - Do you have a set
Of spare keys?
- Oh, my god.
- James had an uber from his house to jenna's house.
That is what we're calling "the smoking gun uber."
- We were just hanging out. - You're a f***ing liar.
You don't want to see the uber receipt
From your e-mail?
- Oh, damn it.
- Kristen called me a rude bitch.
- I would never be friends with a person like that.
- Ariana's clearly saying, "I don't want you f***ing
Hanging out with kristen."
It's so hard to be friends with you.
- They're the one's putting you in this position, not me.
- I just can't be your friend.
- To see more of "vanderpump rules,"
Go to bravotv.Com.