Roy, oh, Roy Clark? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Clark.
Thank you, buddy. And, by the way, I've got a question.
I've got the cowboy suit I'm supposed to be wear, but where's the chaps?
Hello, hello, hello.
We're the pair of chaps you asked to pop around.
Hello, hello, hello.
It's a far cry from Oklahoma.
It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Roy Clark! Yay!
♪ It's time to play the music It's time to light the light
♪ It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight
♪ It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right
♪ It's time to get things started
♪ Why don't you get things started?
Hey! Somebody kill that light.
♪ It's time to get things started
♪ On the most sensational, inspirational
♪ Celebrational, Muppetational
♪ This is what we call The Muppet Show! ♪
Three times!
Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
Our show is going country tonight because our special guest
is one of the world's greatest country music stars, Mr. Roy Clark.
And... - To the country. Let's go.
Everybody... Kermit, get dressed. To the country!
Wait, I said the show was going country,
just because Roy Clark is our guest. - One of my favorite performers.
I didn't mean it would actually be alfresco.
Oh, he's good too.
Excuse me. I thought you should know the stagehands aren't here.
Hmm, yeah, yeah. I sent 'em off to the country, yeah.
But, Fozzie, the show is staying here.
But they're in the country waiting for us.
No! - You said the show was going country.
We gotta do the show right here. - Don't shout, I'm just a bear.
You can't send the stagehands to the country.
I am doing the best I can. Who's gonna shift the scenery?
Fozzie! - What?
You are going to shift the scenery.
I am gonna shift the scenery?
Fozzie?
I am gonna shift the scenery.
I'm sorry about that, folks. Uh...
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the multitudinously talented, Mr. Roy Clark.
What do I here? - Open the curtains!
Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes.
♪ Rocky Top, you'll always be
♪ Home sweet home to me
♪ Good ol' Rocky Top
♪ Rocky Top, Tennessee
♪ Rocky Top, Tennessee...
♪... eee ♪
I wonder how they do that. - Do what?
Man, that Roy Clark sure is a numerous person.
Boy, you can say that again.
How... How does he do that?
Fozzie. - Oh, yes, sir.
There's not a stagehand in the theater, thanks to you.
Ah, thank you, you're welcome.
Listen, listen, Fozzie. You got us into this mess. You are responsible for it.
If anything goes wrong here, Fozzie! - Yes, sir?
You are fired!
Fired?!
Oh, no. Oh. My nerves are shot.
Still... what could go wrong? I mean, the, uh, the stage is set.
The star has arrived. - Psst, Fozzie.
Audience is happy. - The theater's on fire.
The theater's on fire.
The theater's on fire?!
Oh!
Roll the dough.
Hey, let go. Hey, let...
Yah!
Ah, ah, fire! Fire!
Chef, fire! Fire! - Fozzie.
Oh. - What's going on?
Oh, hi. Uh, nothing.
I was just saying that, uh,
I'm glad nothing else is going wrong or I'd get fired.
What's all this smoke? - Uh, that's not smoke.
It's not smoke? - No, no.
Then what is it?
Jet exhaust. - Jet exhaust?
I, I... Just what I was going to say. Yes. Yes.
Oh, look out, here comes another one. Duck.
You OK? You OK? - What was that?
Oh, boy, that was a close one. Those planes get lower every day.
Uh, Fozzie, I didn't see any plane. - Yeah, they get faster too.
Boy, oh, boy. Listen. You go tell Roy Clark to keep his head down, OK?
All right. - I'll phone the airport. Another one!
What? What?! - Get down.
Hello, operator?
How soon can you get me the, uh, the fire department?
That soon, huh?
And now, Pigs in Space!
When we last left the rocket ship Swinetrek,
it was drifting aimlessly in space due to a power failure in the control panel.
First Mate Piggy.
If Dr. Strangepork can't restore power to the control panel,
we'll marooned in space forever. - Oh, no.
Well, look at the bright side, my dear.
At least you will spend the rest of your days with me.
That's the bright side?
Well, I fixed the control panel.
Oh, that's wonderful, doctor.
Yeah, it was faulty wiring.
Hmm, nice work, Dr. Strangepork. - Oh, it was nothing, Link.
Actually, I just used some vials from the electric toaster.
Hmm. Good thinking. Here. I'll try it.
Uh-oh. - That's all right, doctor.
It's kind of funny. - Ya.
You see, that's what you'd call, raising a pig.
Ha, raising a pig.
She has her ups and downs.
Oh, oh. So, so... So you think that's funny, huh?
Well, it's your turn, Linko.
What? - Oh!
Thought you had me, didn't you?
Why don't you try this one right here? - I am not that stupid.
Well, then I'll try it.
He was that stupid.
I want my mommy.
Still think it's funny, bacon brain? - We've gotta get Dr. Strangepork back.
I'm not supposed to be here, right? - Right.
What, what happened?
Beaker!
Whoa!
I don't believe that.
I'm not supposed to be here either, right?
♪ Yesterday
♪ When I was young
♪ The taste of life was sweet
♪ As rain upon my tongue
♪ I teased at life
♪ As if it were a foolish game
♪ The way the evening breeze
♪ May tease a candle flame
♪ The thousand dreams I dreamed
♪ And the splendid things I planned
♪ I always built, alas
♪ On weak and shifting sand
♪ I lived by night
♪ And I shunned the naked light of day
♪ And only now I see
♪ How the years ran away
♪ Yesterday
♪ When I was young
♪ So many happy songs
♪ Were waiting to be sung
♪ So many wild pleasures
♪ Lay in store for me
♪ And so much pain
♪ My dazzled eyes refused to see
♪ I ran so fast that time
♪ And youth, at last, ran out
♪ I never stopped to think
♪ What life was all about
♪ And every conversation
♪ I can now recall
♪ Concerns itself with me
♪ And nothing else at all
♪ Yesterday
♪ The moon was blue
♪ Every crazy day
♪ Brought something new to do
♪ I used my magic age
♪ As if it were a wand
♪ And never saw all the waste
♪ And emptiness beyond
♪ The game of love I played
♪ With arrogance and pride
♪ And every flame I lit
♪ Too quickly, quickly died
♪ The friends I made
♪ All seemed, somehow, to drift away
♪ Only I am left
♪ On stage to end the play
♪ There are so many songs
♪ In me that won't be sung
♪ I feel the bitter taste
♪ Of tears upon my tongue
♪ The time has come for me to pay
♪ For yesterday
♪ When I was young ♪
Uh, ladies and gentlemen. There's a, uh, situation backstage
you should know about. - Hey, we're here.
Oh, the firemen. Oh, yes. - Yeah, yeah, we're here to audition.
Audition? Where's your equipment for the fire?
Hoses, axes? - Oh, yeah, we brought one of those.
You've got an axe. - No, an act.
An act? - Yeah, we're the Singing Firemen.
But there's a fire over here. See these... We are, but listen.
♪ I don't want to set the world
♪ On fire
♪ I just want to start
♪ A flame in your
- # Heart - # A flame in your heart
- # In my heart I have but one desire - All right, excuse me, guys.
Some people have to work around here. Excuse me.
- # And that one is you - # Ooh
- # No other will do - # No other will do
♪ I've lost all ambition
♪ For worldly acclaim
♪ I just want to be the one you love
♪ And with your admission that you feel the same
♪ I'll have reached the goal I'm dreaming of
♪ Believe me
♪ I don't want to set the world
- # On fire - I didn't have to. It started already.
♪ I just want to start a flame
♪ A flame
♪ In your heart ♪
Don't worry, I'll save you. I'll save you!
Are you proud of yourselves? You made this chicken a nervous wreck.
Hey, Roy. That was a beautiful song you did.
Love the one where you did all the instruments.
Thank you, but it's not really that hard.
I come from a musical family. - Oh, really?
Sure. My dad plays and all my uncles.
We used to get together, when I was a child, and play music.
Oh, wow. And how many of those instruments, uh, can you actually play?
Can I actually play, Kermit? Actually. - Yes?
One out of five'd be a good average. - One out of five.
But I attempt to play about seven or eight.
You did very well on that number. - Thank you.
I loved the trumpet. - I thought, maybe, you'd bring that up.
Yes, that was outstanding. - Uh, outstanding?
I should be out standing in the field somewhere with my trumpet?
Well, I, I didn't say that, Roy.
Anyhow, I suppose you're really just born into show business, actually?
Kind of, but my dad still runs the farm back in Virginia
where he keeps chickens, and a lot of times I get to missing
the place, out traveling all the time.
Well, we could make you feel right at home, 'cause we keep chickens.
Really? - Sure. See there? Mm-hmm.
Kermit, uh, if you keep chickens, could, uh, you keep these away?
Well, I, uh, uh, yes, I will. We also keep ducks, you know.
Right there. Mm-hmm.
Uh, you have any soup to go with these quackers?
Know what kind of joke we call that in Virginia?
Bad?
You stepped right in that one. - Yes, indeed.
Hey, about some pigs, Roy? Pigs. Pigs? Huh?
Or even cattle? - Fantastic.
How many head of cattle do you have? - Uh, one. Uh, one head of cow.
I gotta tell you. This is really like being back on the farm.
Yeah, isn't it great? - Sure is. Free eggs,
fried chicken on Sunday. Bacon for breakfast. Roast duck at Christmas.
All the ham sandwiches you can eat. This place is like a walk-in lunch counter.
Uh, Roy, it may look like a luncheon, but it can soon turn into a lynching.
Hold it. Wait a minute. Wait. Hold it.
I was only kidding. I was kidding! - He was kidding.
Oh, I hate barn dances.
Only reason I come is for the door prize.
Well, what's the prize?
A free ticket to the next barn dance.
You know, my husband weighs five tons.
Oh, that sounds like a lot of bull.
It is, darling. It is.
Oh, why don't ya run away with me?
I can't. I gotta think of the wife and eggs.
Uh, why is that rooster winking at your wife?
I think he's trying to get my goat.
Say, what's your brother-in-law doing up there?
Oh, he's trying to start the ceiling fan. It stopped.
Looks like he got it started.
Hey, come on, come on. Keep those buckets moving. Come on, guys.
Oh, boy. Remember how the theater was on fire?
Well, it still is.
Oh. Come on, guys. Faster. Faster. - Fozzie!
Oh. Oh, yes, yes, sir. - What is... What is going on here?
Going on. - Where is this smoke coming from?
Smoke, yes. Smoke. Uh, oh, didn't you get a cigar?
Cigar? - Yeah, uh, yes.
Uh, uh, a cigar for the frog! - What, what?
Yeah. Tell me, have you any idea what it feels like to be a father?
No, no. Uh-uh.
Pity. I was hoping you could tell me.
Uh, Fozzie. - Oh.
I want an explanation. - Oh, dear, yes. I was afraid of that.
Um, explanation. Uh, Chef, Chef. Chef, come here.
Explain to the frog all the things here. Explain.
What?
What's going... No, no I want water.
Will you stop that?
Give me the bucket. No, I want a full bucket, you fool.
Will you get away from me? Will you stop crying?
Uh, uh, uh, OK. Uh, whatever.
Anyhow, ladies and gentlemen.
Uh, in his premiere presentation of immortal perfection,
otherwise known as rank stupidity.
Uh, the, the Great Gonzo will yodel Rimsky-Korsakov while riding on
a motorized pogo stick. Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
Howdy, hi! Thank you very much.
Hold on to your socks, here it comes!
Gonzo? Uh. Hey, we can't have a hole in the stage.
Uh, uh, Fozzie, carpenter. - Uh, carpenter coming. Yes, sir.
Hole in the stage. - Where's the hole?
Uh, right over there. - Oh, there. Yes, sir. Oh, boy.
Take the lights off the stage. - Yes, sir. Scooter, lights off!
Oh, boy. - Fozzie. Now I can't see a thing.
Where are you? - Uh, I'm over here by the hole.
I'll follow the sound of your...
Oh, no. Oh, Kermit, are you hurt?
I, uh, not too bad. I landed on Gonzo.
Oh, I'll do the intro.
Uh, Scooter, lights.
Oh, boy. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roy Clark.
Curtains! Oh, that's me. Oh, oh.
♪ Sally used to carry my books to school
♪ Sally was a good old girl
♪ She helped me with my homework 'cause I was a fool
♪ Sally was a good old girl
♪ And if you wanted a kiss or a little bitty squeeze
♪ She was always willing and do her best to please
♪ A girl made to love and not made to tease
♪ Sally was a good old girl
♪ No matter what the request she gave it her best
♪ Sally was a good old girl
♪ Her folks were poor so she helped all she could
♪ Sally was a good old girl
♪ She was the hardest working girl in the whole neighborhood
♪ Sally was a good old girl
♪ She'd walk up and down the streets all day
♪ Selling neckties to the ones who could pay
♪ But if they couldn't afford 'em then she'd give 'em away
♪ Sally was a good old girl
♪ No matter what the request she gave it her best
♪ Sally was a good old girl
♪ She was a favorite with all the men
♪ Sally was a good old girl
♪ And all the ladies despised her then
♪ But Sally was a good old girl
♪ All the ladies talked about her but Sally didn't care
♪ She just kept on a-working and a-doing her share
♪ She wound up married to a millionaire
♪ 'Cause Sally was a good old girl
♪ Sally was a good old girl
♪ No matter what the request she gave her best
- # Gotta tell ya 'bout Sally - # Sally was a good old girl
- # Sally was a good old girl
♪ No matter what the request she gave her best
♪ Sally was a good old girl ♪
OK. Well, that just about wraps up tonight's show.
I must say, I know how it feels.
Kermit, Kermit. Please don't fire me.
Oh, beg, grovel, plead, please.
OK. OK, OK. - Thank you.
Listen, I'm really sorry about, you know, the stagehands
and the hole in the floor there. - The hole, yeah.
And, oh, and the fire, and the rest of it.
Fire? We had a fire here?
No.
Huh? - Uh, I mean, uh... Well, at least, yes.
A cute, little small one.
Fozzie! - Oh, please.
You wouldn't hit a bear in front of a guest star, would you?
What does that have to do with anything?
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roy Clark! - Roy Clark. Yeah!
Roy Clark, yes. Yes.
Whoo! - Oh, wow.
Yes! Yes!
You are one hot fiddle player. What is your secret?
Just a hot fiddle.
Fire! Fire! Fire!
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
Up here! Roy!
I thought, for once, the show really caught fire.
I thought it burnt itself out, same as always.