1 00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:04,253 - Because you're my wife and you love the theater, 2 00:00:04,380 --> 00:00:07,006 and, uh, it's your birthday. 3 00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:08,675 Great. 4 00:00:08,801 --> 00:00:11,969 Unfortunately the orchestra's already filled up, 5 00:00:12,096 --> 00:00:13,805 but they do have seats that are still left 6 00:00:13,931 --> 00:00:15,556 in the dress circle. 7 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:17,475 So if you want to, uh, me to get them theater tickets right now, 8 00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:18,685 I'ma do it right now. 9 00:00:18,811 --> 00:00:19,852 - What's up, dog? 10 00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:21,020 I'm about five minutes away. 11 00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:22,563 - Yeah, okay. Yeah, cool. 12 00:00:22,690 --> 00:00:24,148 No, they all good singers, they all good singers. 13 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:25,566 - Yeah, son. Nah, man, I'm telling you, man, 14 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,193 I'm about to cross the street, man. 15 00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,361 - No, they got that one dude in it that you love, man. 16 00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:30,029 He gon' be in it, yeah... 17 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,781 - Come on, man, you know I'm almost there, all right? 18 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:32,990 - Right, no, I'ma pick your ass up at 6:30, then. 19 00:00:33,117 --> 00:00:34,659 - Cool. - Cool. 20 00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:36,869 All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, the parking is, uh, 21 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,788 the parking's free. 22 00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,206 Oh, my God, Christian. 23 00:00:40,332 --> 00:00:42,917 I almost totally just got mugged right now. 24 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:11,446 - Yeah, whoa. 25 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,030 Welcome. 26 00:01:13,157 --> 00:01:14,949 Welcome to the show, everybody. 27 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,659 I am Keegan. - I am Jordan. 28 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:18,035 - And this is Key & Peele. 29 00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:19,370 Thank you, yes. Thank you. 30 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,041 Jordan and I are- we're biracial. 31 00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:26,002 - Yes, half black, half white. 32 00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:27,378 - And because of that, we find ourselves 33 00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:32,049 particularly adept at lying. 34 00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:35,303 Because on a daily basis we have to adjust our blackness. 35 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,638 - Yes. - You know what I mean? 36 00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:38,890 - Oh, no, there's many reasons we do that. 37 00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:40,391 - Yeah. 38 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:41,851 - I mean, to terrify white people. 39 00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:43,019 - Yes, that's one of the main reasons. 40 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:44,854 One of the main reasons, yeah. 41 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,481 - Because, I mean, you know, with the way that we sound, 42 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,274 the way that we actually talk, 43 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,734 we're not intimidating anybody with the way we sound. 44 00:01:49,860 --> 00:01:51,110 - Oh, no, no, no. - We sound very white. 45 00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:53,362 - We sound whiter than the black dude 46 00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:56,032 in the college a cappella group. 47 00:01:56,158 --> 00:02:00,036 - Yes, we sound whiter than Mitt Romney in a snowstorm. 48 00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:04,916 You know what I mean? 49 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,417 But that's just- that's one of- 50 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,127 that's the reason when we're around 51 00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:10,463 other brothers and sisters, you will see us- 52 00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:11,672 you got to just- - You know, you got to 53 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:12,840 dial it up a little bit. 54 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,550 - You got to dial it up. 55 00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:15,927 Oh, see, you know what I'm talking about, brother. 56 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,094 - Oh, you know I know 57 00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:18,387 what you talking about, right? 58 00:02:18,514 --> 00:02:20,181 - You know I know you know- 59 00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:21,682 - You know I know what you know I know what you talking about. 60 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,184 No doubt, man. No doubt, no doubt, no doubt. 61 00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:24,644 No doubt, no doubt, no doubt, 62 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,938 no doubt, no doubt, no doubt, no doubt. 63 00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:30,942 - Because you never want to be the whitest-sounding 64 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,735 black guy in a room. 65 00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:35,196 - You put five white-talking black guys in the same room, 66 00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:36,656 you come back in a hour, it's gonna be like 67 00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:37,865 Ladysmith Black Mambazo up in there. 68 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,033 - Straight up. 69 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,381 - Hey, hey, hey, all right. - Hey. 70 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:54,924 - Hi, sweetie, that's for you. 71 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,092 - Hey, Trace. How you doing, girl? 72 00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:57,635 - Check out the house. - Oh, my. 73 00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,178 - Girl, I got a sunken tub. You got to see it. 74 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:00,888 - Oh, I got to see this. - All right. 75 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,223 - You two have a good time now. 76 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,058 - Have fun, have fun. 77 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,518 Dude, I am sorry we're late, man. 78 00:03:05,644 --> 00:03:07,228 - Man, it happens, man. 79 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,729 - And she talk about how we're supposed to be in the car 80 00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:09,897 at 6:45, I'm like, "All right." 81 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,607 - Uh-oh. 82 00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:13,067 - Tell me my dumb ass ain't sitting in the car, 83 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,487 waiting until 7:15. - Nuh-uh. 84 00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,197 - Okay, when I track my wife down 20 minutes later, 85 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,533 she's stepping out the damn shower talking about, 86 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:22,159 "Can I help you?" 87 00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:23,452 - See, that's crazy right there. 88 00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:24,996 - I looked this woman in the eye, 89 00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:27,248 I said... 90 00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:31,043 "Bitch, you told me 6:45." 91 00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:32,211 - You said that? 92 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:34,297 - Psh, yeah I said... 93 00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:37,008 "Bitch." Then I laid it out. 94 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:38,175 - But you said, "bitch," though? 95 00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:39,552 - Hmm? 96 00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:41,012 - You said, "bitch"? 97 00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:43,389 - Yeah. 98 00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:45,474 - You got to see the fireplace downstairs in the living room. 99 00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:47,435 - Okay. 100 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,895 - Don't play games, man. 101 00:03:49,021 --> 00:03:50,396 Just tell me what you're going to tell me. 102 00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,606 - Exactly, it's like, say what you mean, 103 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:52,857 mean what you say. - Is that so hard? 104 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:54,025 - It's like last week, man. 105 00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:55,359 We going out to dinner, right? 106 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:56,819 I'm like, "where do you want to go?" 107 00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:58,821 She's like, "You decide." - Uh-oh. 108 00:03:58,947 --> 00:03:59,989 - I'm like, "All right, Outback Steakhouse." 109 00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,490 She like, "Nah." - Mm-hmm. 110 00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:02,825 - I'm like, "Straight up, Chili's." 111 00:04:02,951 --> 00:04:04,619 She's like, "Ehh." - No, no. 112 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,662 - Darrell, I named seven more restaurants. 113 00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,289 - No, Craig, no. 114 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:09,498 - I finally said, "Taylor's," the place I know 115 00:04:09,625 --> 00:04:10,666 she wants to go in the first place. 116 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:11,834 - Right, right. 117 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,085 - She look at me, she said, 118 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:14,879 "If that's where you want to go." 119 00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:17,006 - No, she didn't, Craig. - If that's where I want to go. 120 00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:19,675 Darrell, I looked my woman in the eye sockets. 121 00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:22,762 I told her straight out, I just said it, man, I said it. 122 00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:25,222 I said, I said, I said... 123 00:04:29,645 --> 00:04:31,270 I said, "Bi..." - Hey, guys. 124 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:32,438 - Hey, girl, how you doing? - Oh, how you doing? 125 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,023 - You having a good time? 126 00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:35,733 - You seen the bedroom? - Just looking at the wood. 127 00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:37,526 - That washing machine is huge. - Up on the ceiling here. 128 00:04:37,653 --> 00:04:39,862 - You get a whole bunch of clothes in that washing machine. 129 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,155 - Hey, baby, I'm going to take her back up to the kitchen 130 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,990 and show her the dishwasher. 131 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,909 - Darrell? - Yeah, baby? 132 00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:46,786 - I want a kitchen island just like the one upstairs. 133 00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:48,371 - You gonna get it too. 134 00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:52,083 - I love you. 135 00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:57,046 - I said, "Bitch, if you wanted to go to Taylor's, 136 00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:59,131 just tell a brother you want to go to Taylor's!" 137 00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,758 Okay? - You said that? 138 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,927 - Oh, hell yeah, man. I laid it out, right? 139 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:08,849 I says-I says-I says... 140 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:12,520 I said, "Bitch, I'm the man of the house." 141 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:13,688 - You said, "bitch," though? 142 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:14,855 - Hmm? 143 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,732 - You called your wife a bitch? 144 00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:18,317 - Uh-huh, yeah. 145 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:19,485 - Craig. - Darrell. 146 00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:21,112 - Where are those guys? 147 00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:25,574 - I don't know. Let's go... 148 00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:27,201 - So she's like, "why don't you rent a movie 149 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:28,953 we both like?" - No, she didn't. 150 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:31,163 - After I spent 25 minutes in the goddamn Blockbuster. 151 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:35,042 Craig, I looked this woman in her optic stems, and I says- 152 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,169 I said... 153 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,424 I says, "Bitch." 154 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:42,633 - You said that? 155 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:44,218 - Ain't nothing but a thing. 156 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,595 - But you said, "bitch," though? 157 00:05:46,722 --> 00:05:48,431 - Yep. - See... 158 00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:54,228 - Oh, sh- 159 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:57,273 Hey, honey, Craig's just giving me the neighborhood tour. 160 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,316 - So then she's like, "I didn't know we'd be doing 161 00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:01,360 so much walking." - Nuh-uh. 162 00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:04,280 - I'm like, "I didn't tell you to wear those shoes." 163 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,615 She said, "Don't raise your voice at me." 164 00:06:06,742 --> 00:06:07,992 - What? 165 00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:11,746 - Dar-rell, I looked this woman 166 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:14,415 dead in the windows of her soul. 167 00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,751 - Mm-hmm. - I said... 168 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:25,760 I said... 169 00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:44,528 I said, "Bitch." 170 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,663 - So I'm a huge fan of reality television. 171 00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:56,749 - And I have little use for it. 172 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,542 - Yes. 173 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,920 All right, well, but, no, we agree on one thing. 174 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:04,590 That reality TV has completely gone bananos. 175 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,842 - Is redink to the hinkulous. 176 00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,969 - It is, it is. - Yes. 177 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,930 - It used to be very simple, it used to be just 178 00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:13,307 live in a house and we'll film it, 179 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,518 and then we'll do the same thing next year. 180 00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:19,188 And it was- it was like that for ten years. 181 00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:20,981 - And then all of a sudden it turned into 182 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,025 you can live in the house, but we might kick you out 183 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:27,113 if you don't run the raw diet food co-op correctly. 184 00:07:27,239 --> 00:07:28,322 - That's right, that's right. 185 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,407 And then it was no house for you. 186 00:07:30,534 --> 00:07:33,160 Live on a beach, starve, and make alliances with each other. 187 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,662 - Right. 188 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,247 When that show happened, that's when it went 189 00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:37,915 to straight up nut burgers crazy town right there. 190 00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:40,251 - All of a sudden it was be a gay man designing things 191 00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:44,171 and get angry at other gay men designing things. 192 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,423 - Or mad lesbians in a kitchen. 193 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:49,260 - Please install a television on my mode of transportation. 194 00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,512 - Mm-hmm. Eat a bug, win a car. 195 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,890 - Mm-hmm. Dangerous fishing. 196 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:58,894 - Or you've always been poor, but now you have a pool table. 197 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,813 - Or you have a mental illness. 198 00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:04,150 Let us rearrange your furniture for you. 199 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:15,411 - Drew, come forward. 200 00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:16,829 - Yes, Chef. 201 00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,998 This is a chicken quiche with crimini mushrooms, 202 00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:24,628 baby spinach, and feta cheese. 203 00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:35,848 - Unbelievable. 204 00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:38,851 Well, Drew, I have a huge problem with this dish. 205 00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:41,437 It's that you haven't made it 206 00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:42,730 for me sooner. 207 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:45,065 - Thank you, Chef. 208 00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:48,110 - Because, if you had, Drew, then I would know 209 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:51,113 how good you are at cooking food that's bad. 210 00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:53,449 - I'm sorry, Chef. 211 00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:54,617 - And when I say, "bad," 212 00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:57,661 I mean, Michael Jackson Bad. 213 00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:59,747 - Thank you, Chef. 214 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:00,915 - You know how he looked really, really bad 215 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,082 at the end of his life? 216 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:05,211 - Chef, I'm sorry. 217 00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:07,713 I don't know if you like the dish or not. 218 00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:09,924 - You don't know if I like the dish or not? 219 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,759 Well, let's put it this way- 220 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,595 Pack your fucking knives, get out, you're off the show. 221 00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,848 - Sorry, Chef. 222 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:20,809 - Because you should be working 223 00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:23,354 in the finest restaurant in the world. 224 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,397 - Thank you, Chef. 225 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,191 - Just not any world that I live in. 226 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:29,193 - Sorry, Chef. 227 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,445 - Because, frankly, Drew, I'm jealous of you. 228 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,864 - Thank you, Chef. 229 00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:36,033 - And your ability to not give a shit 230 00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:38,619 about what you cook. 231 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:42,706 This is not fit for human consumption. 232 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:46,585 No, this should be eaten by a higher life-form 233 00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:50,464 with a more complex palate, but also an altruistic drive 234 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,968 to save humanity from dishes like this. 235 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:57,012 Joking. Not! You deserve to die! 236 00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:59,765 Aah! 237 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:03,060 So you won't have to endure a life in which you will 238 00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:08,732 never exceed what you have achieved here today. 239 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:21,370 - Thank you, Chef. 240 00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:25,165 - In conclusion... eh. 241 00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,629 - Lil Wayne, y'all. 242 00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:33,215 Tha Carter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 243 00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:34,633 Yeah, I'm coming to y'all 244 00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:37,136 straight from Rikers penitentiary, bitch. 245 00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:38,595 You heard, man? 246 00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,014 Hey, yo, man- 247 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,598 haters out there think I'm playing, 248 00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:44,435 think I'm some kind of joke, man. 249 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,145 Young money. 250 00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:47,521 Check this out right here, man. 251 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:50,816 I'm the baddest motherfucker 252 00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:54,028 on this whole prison here, bitch, you heard? 253 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,238 Check it out, let's go, I'm the baddest dude- 254 00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:59,366 aah! 255 00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:06,457 - What can I say about ancestry. Com? 256 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,167 My adventure began when I received a leaf 257 00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:11,462 pointing me in the direction of my great grandfather, 258 00:11:11,588 --> 00:11:14,798 who was a pilot with the flying aces in World War I. 259 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:17,384 - On my mother's side, I found an aunt who traced 260 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:21,555 her lineage all the way back to Thomas Jefferson. 261 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,557 - I was able to trace my bloodline back to nobles, 262 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,684 and even a king. 263 00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:28,771 - I discovered I'm a direct descendent of Erik the Red. 264 00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,106 - After only a couple of hours on ancestry. Com, 265 00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:33,150 I was able to trace my family line 266 00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:35,986 all the way back to none other than our third president, 267 00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:38,197 Thomas Jefferson. 268 00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:39,907 - Marie Antoinette. 269 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:43,077 - Thomas Jefferson. - Aristotle. 270 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,746 - Thomas Jefferson. - Alexander the Great. 271 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:49,083 - Thomas motherfucking Jefferson. 272 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,877 - Join ancestry.com and begin a one-of-a-kind journey 273 00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,796 into your unique past. 274 00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:56,632 Because you never know where your story begins. 275 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,926 - Thomas Jefferson. 276 00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:05,474 - So Jordan does not drive, 277 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,227 which I think is completely crazy. 278 00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:09,937 - That's true. I can explain. 279 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,981 I'm from New York originally, first of all, so that- 280 00:12:13,108 --> 00:12:14,316 yeah, we don't drive. We don't drive in New York. 281 00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:15,526 - And I'm from the polar opposite. 282 00:12:15,652 --> 00:12:17,277 I'm from the motor city. 283 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,113 I'm from Detroit, and so you have to drive 284 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:24,076 or you get stabbed. - Yeah, so... 285 00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:26,203 but that's just it. You just landed on it. 286 00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:27,663 That's why I don't drive. 287 00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:29,164 Is because people go crazy, man. 288 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:30,999 People turn into Mr. Hyde. 289 00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,543 - See, that is not true that everybody 290 00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:35,462 who gets behind the wheel of a car flips out. 291 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:36,880 - You do. - No, I don't. 292 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,882 I do not. When have I done that? 293 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,677 - When that one lady cut us off that one time. 294 00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:43,303 - Okay. - My man goes into top speed- 295 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,680 - I did. - You started swerving 296 00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,432 in between vehicles. - It's true. 297 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,350 I did- I swung between- - He had to catch up with her. 298 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:49,726 - You're right, you're right. 299 00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:51,478 - And when we caught up with her, 300 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,272 my man rolls down his window. What did you yell at her? 301 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:58,360 - I said, "Selfish!" - "Selfish." 302 00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:01,321 - "You are selfish!" 303 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:04,324 - And please, no, you have to understand- 304 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,034 you have to understand. 305 00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:08,078 That's the nicest guy in the world, right here, okay? 306 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:11,206 To him, "selfish," that's the "C" word. 307 00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:13,000 - It is. 308 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,168 - I love that that is your version of road rage, 309 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,919 by the way. 310 00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,171 - So you think if you got a driver's license, 311 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,505 that you would just flip out. 312 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,215 - No, that's other people. 313 00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:21,800 L-I don't drive because I smoke weed 314 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,760 and I don't want to kill anybody. 315 00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:26,263 - Oh, okay. Okay. 316 00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:29,558 Well, Jordan, you could always just stop smoking weed. 317 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,440 - I'm sorry. What'd you say? 318 00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:39,651 I'm high right now. 319 00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,820 - I'm telling you, it's totally legal. 320 00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,447 These doctors, they'll prescribe 321 00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,574 medical marijuana to anyone, man. 322 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,242 - What do I tell them I need it for? 323 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:48,994 - It doesn't matter. 324 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,787 They want to give you a prescription. 325 00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:52,581 It's how they get paid. 326 00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:55,584 Just make something up. 327 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:56,752 - Hey, Mr. Washington, welcome. 328 00:13:56,878 --> 00:13:58,587 - Hey, doctor. 329 00:13:58,713 --> 00:13:59,755 - All right, I'm going to ask you a couple questions, 330 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:00,923 and then we're- - AIDS. 331 00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:04,551 - What? - AIDS. 332 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,679 - AIDS? As in, uh- 333 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:11,683 - As in I got it, need lots of weed to get rid of it. 334 00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,852 - Oh, okay, AIDS. 335 00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:15,812 Um, wow. 336 00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,731 All right, are you sure you're not suffering 337 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,526 from anything else like, you know, back pain? 338 00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:22,319 - Nope. - Anxiety? 339 00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:24,738 - Cool as a cucumber. - How about insomnia? 340 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:28,116 - Sleep like a baby... with AIDS. 341 00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:29,701 - Okay, Mr. Washington. 342 00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:31,286 Let's just slow your roll for a second here. 343 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:33,121 If you had AIDS, then I would have to verify it 344 00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:34,957 by seeing test results. 345 00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:37,709 Whereas if you have back pain or anxiety or anything else 346 00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:39,878 that I can't test for, then I can give you 347 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:42,381 this prescription for cannabis right now. 348 00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:43,632 - Oh. - Understand? 349 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,050 - Oh, I see, I get it. - Awesome. 350 00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:46,760 - My bad. - Good, good, good. 351 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,845 - Okay, so- - Leprosy. 352 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:50,055 - No, no. 353 00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:51,348 Because if you had leprosy, 354 00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:52,516 I'd have to quarantine you. 355 00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:54,142 - Ouch. - What are you-no. 356 00:14:54,269 --> 00:14:56,061 Okay, I see your finger's falling off. 357 00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:58,313 No, don't do that, though. That's not going to work. 358 00:14:58,439 --> 00:14:59,606 - Scurvy. - Nope. 359 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:01,024 - Rickets. - What? No. 360 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,693 - Consumption. - No, Mr. Washington. 361 00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,111 Something from this century. 362 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,696 - Schizophrenia. 363 00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:06,905 You don't have schizophrenia. 364 00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:08,282 Yes, you do. - Keep it simple. 365 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:10,200 Please. 366 00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:12,286 What the hell is that? I don't know what that is. 367 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,829 - There's a fish hook in my lip. 368 00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:15,247 - Just pick something off this list. 369 00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,124 - I can't reach it. - Why not? 370 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,585 - Paralyzed. 371 00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:21,628 - Does your face hurt, Mr. Washington? 372 00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:22,796 - Yeah. 373 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,840 - Then this should help. 374 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:30,679 - Lil Wayne, y'all. 375 00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:33,974 Young money. 376 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:37,060 Y'all need to watch your back, you heard? 377 00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:38,604 That's right, yeah, yeah, yeah. 378 00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,355 Because I'm coming for y'all, you know? 379 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,441 What's up, man? I run this, y'all. 380 00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:43,859 In fact, yo, let's go. 381 00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,152 I'm the baddest- 382 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,820 where you going, man? Where you going? 383 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:47,988 Hey, man, where you going? You ain't got to go- 384 00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,208 Okay, I see. 385 00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:04,338 Pick on the little guy, huh? Punks. 386 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:05,964 Aah! 387 00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:09,301 This little ironic motherfucker right here. 388 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,140 - So I had this friend in grade school, 389 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:16,850 and we were really tight. 390 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,977 And then we grew up and we went to different high schools, 391 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,812 and we lost touch with each other. 392 00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:24,900 And, uh, yeah, it's already funny. 393 00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,735 And so he said to me- 394 00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:28,570 he calls me out of the blue one day. 395 00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:30,030 - This is my jam. 396 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,948 - And we're talking on the phone, 397 00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:34,993 and he's asking me about this girl in my high school. 398 00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:37,954 And he says, "So, man, what you think of that girl?" 399 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:39,998 And so I told him what I thought, I told him the truth, 400 00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:45,504 and I said, "Oh, dog, man, my girl is not attractive. 401 00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:48,465 "My girl is, like, rough in this area, you know? 402 00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:51,343 My girl is straight hit," you know? 403 00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:54,930 "Nice enough girl, but she is ugly," you know? 404 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:56,181 And my man goes like this. 405 00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:57,724 My man goes like this. He says- 406 00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,936 he says, "Ah, dog, that's my girlfriend." 407 00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:02,896 - And so I literally go like this. I go... 408 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:20,956 "Brother, you know I'm playing." 409 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:27,087 "She fine as hell." 410 00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:40,851 - I don't think we should be doing this right now, man. 411 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,894 Young money. 412 00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:44,187 You know what I mean? 413 00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:45,731 There's a time and a place- 414 00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:50,193 you know what I'm saying, man? 415 00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:54,114 Man, I ain't scared, yo. 416 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:15,218 - Good evening, my fellow Americans. 417 00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:17,929 Now, before I begin, I just want to say 418 00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,681 that I know a lot of people out there seem to think 419 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,434 that I don't get angry. 420 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,727 Well, that's just not true. 421 00:18:23,853 --> 00:18:25,562 I get angry a lot. 422 00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:27,731 It's just that the way I express passion 423 00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:31,193 is different from most. 424 00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,028 So just so there's no more confusion, 425 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,322 we've hired Luther here to be my anger translator. 426 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,532 Luther? - Hi. 427 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:39,493 - First off, concerning the recent developments 428 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,621 in the middle-eastern region, I just want to reiterate 429 00:18:42,747 --> 00:18:44,664 our unflinching support for all people 430 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,750 and their right to a democratic process. 431 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,710 - Hey, all y'all dictators out there, 432 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,295 keep messing around and see what happens. 433 00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:52,672 Just see what happens. Watch. 434 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:56,968 - Also, to the governments of Iran and North Korea, 435 00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:59,596 we once again urge you to discontinue 436 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:01,264 your uranium enrichment program. 437 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:03,058 - Hey, Mahmoud? Kim Jong? 438 00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:05,018 I think I already done told both y'all, 439 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,895 86 your shit, bitches, 440 00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:09,606 or I'm going to come over there and do it for y'all. 441 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:12,025 Please test me and see what happens. 442 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:16,029 - On the domestic front, I just want to say to my critics, 443 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:19,032 I hear your voices and I'm aware of your concerns. 444 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,575 - So maybe if you could chill the hell out 445 00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,327 for, like, a second, then maybe I could focus 446 00:19:22,453 --> 00:19:24,412 on some shit, you know? 447 00:19:24,539 --> 00:19:25,789 - And that goes for everybody, 448 00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:27,541 including members of the Tea Party. 449 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,708 - Oh, don't even get me started on these motherfuckers 450 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,168 right here. 451 00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:31,962 - I want to assure you that we will be looking 452 00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:35,131 for new compromises with the GOP in the months ahead. 453 00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:36,508 - And you know these motherfuckers gonna say no 454 00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:38,426 before I even suggest some shit. 455 00:19:38,553 --> 00:19:42,806 - Now I know a lot of folks say that I haven't done a good job 456 00:19:42,932 --> 00:19:45,642 at communicating my accomplishments to the public. 457 00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:48,311 - Because y'all motherfuckers don't listen! 458 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:51,064 - Uh, since being in office, 459 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,149 we've created 3 million new jobs. 460 00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:55,151 - 3 million new jobs. 461 00:19:55,278 --> 00:19:57,237 - We ended the war in Iraq. - Ended a war, y'all. 462 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,322 We ended a war, remember that? 463 00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:01,783 - These achievements should serve as a reminder 464 00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:03,285 that I am on your side. 465 00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:05,745 - I am not a Muslim! 466 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,039 - And that my intentions, as your president, 467 00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:10,458 are coming from the right place. 468 00:20:10,585 --> 00:20:12,502 - They coming from Hawaii, which is where I'm from, 469 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,504 which is in the United States of America, y'all. 470 00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,590 Okay? This is ridiculous. 471 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:20,010 I have a birth certificate! I have a birth certificate! 472 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:22,721 I have a hot, diggity-doggity, 473 00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:24,931 mamase mamasa mamakusa, birth certificate, 474 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,433 you dumbass crackers! 475 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,060 - Okay, Luther. Rope it in. 476 00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:30,562 - Yeah, dial it back, Luther. Damn. 477 00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:33,398 - In conclusion, last night I had 478 00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:34,566 a conversation with Michelle. 479 00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:36,151 - I says, "Bitch." 480 00:20:36,277 --> 00:20:37,319 - Nope, I did not say that. 481 00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:39,821 I did not say that. 482 00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:44,784 - So, uh, we are going to be saying good night right now, 483 00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:47,120 but before we do, I just want say that we are- 484 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,748 I do think we're lucky. 485 00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:51,499 In the lottery of life, I think we are lucky 486 00:20:51,626 --> 00:20:54,127 to have gotten the best quality of both races. 487 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:56,129 - I think so too. - That we are a part of. 488 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,547 No, it is. - I think so too. 489 00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,424 - No, because I know there are two dudes 490 00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,718 out there somewhere right now with little dicks 491 00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:04,596 and sickle cell. - Yeah, it's true. 492 00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:07,807 Good night. - Thank you. 493 00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,148 - ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪ 494 00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:17,275 - Oh, yeah. 495 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:21,738 - When did Asian guys become fucking cool? 496 00:21:21,864 --> 00:21:23,823 I don't understand that. 497 00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:26,785 Y'all stole break dancing. - When did that happen? 498 00:21:26,911 --> 00:21:28,370 I just figured you would know- 499 00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:30,163 you don't know the answer? - It's not fair. 500 00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,998 - They just straight up stole it. 501 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,292 - "Y'all been trying to perfect this art?" Backflips.