[ "JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS ]
[ ROCKABILLY PLAYS ]
-* HERE COMES CHRISTMAS, LOTS OF TOYS *
* COME ON NOW, MAKE SOME NOISE *
* CHRISTMAS TREES AND THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS *
* COME ON, BABY, HOLD ME TIGHT
* I GOT YOU UNDER THE MISTLETOE *
* AND HERE COMES CHRISTMAS, A-DON'T LET GO *
* HERE COMES CHRISTMAS, DON'T LET GO *
* HERE COMES CHRISTMAS, SANTA'S SLEIGH *
* RUDY IN FRONT TO LIGHT THE WAY *
* I NEED MORE TIME TO GET IT DONE *
* I NEED MORE TIME FOR CHRISTMAS FUN *
* I'M ALL READY FOR THE CHRISTMAS SNOW *
* AND HERE COMES CHRISTMAS, A-DON'T LET GO *
* MAMAS AND PAPAS AND KIDS AND DOGS *
* TO FIND A PLACE WHERE THEY WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS LOGS *
* SANTA, PLEASE HURRY NOW, DON'T BE LATE *
* WHOA! IT'S A SPECIAL DATE
* HEY
[ GUITAR SOLO ]
* HERE COMES CHRISTMAS, TIME TO EAT *
* THAT TURKEY AND GRAVY GONNA BE SO SWEET *
* LOOK AT THE PRESENTS UNDERNEATH THE TREE *
* I WISH EVERYONE WAS AS LUCKY AS ME *
* A CHRISTMAS ANGEL WANTS US TO KNOW *
* THAT HERE COMES CHRISTMAS, A-DON'T LET GO *
* HERE COMES CHRISTMAS, DON'T LET GO *
* YOUR MAMAS AND PAPAS AND KIDS AND DOGS *
* TO FIND A PLACE WHERE THEY WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS LOGS *
* SANTA, PLEASE HURRY NOW, AND DON'T BE LATE *
* WHOA! IT'S A SPECIAL DATE
* HERE COMES CHRISTMAS, LOTS OF TOYS *
* A-COME ON NOW, AND MAKE SOME NOISE *
* THE CHRISTMAS TREES AND THE CHRISTMAS SIGHTS *
* A-COME ON, BABY, NOW A-HOLD ME TIGHT *
* I GOT YOU UNDER THE MISTLETOE *
* A-HERE COMES CHRISTMAS, A-DON'T LET GO *
* I'M ALL READY FOR THE CHRISTMAS SNOW *
* A-HERE COMES CHRISTMAS, A-DON'T LET GO *
* THE CHRISTMAS ANGEL WANTS US ALL TO KNOW *
* YEAH!
* THAT HERE COMES CHRISTMAS
* A-HERE COMES CHRISTMAS
* YEAH! YEAH
* COME ON, SANTA
[ BELL JINGLES ]
[ COIN CLINKS ]
[ BELL JINGLES ]
[ BABY CRIES ]
-THAT IS CINDY WEGMAN.
[ SIGHS ] JUST LOOK AT HER --
THREE KIDS, THREE DIFFERENT DADDIES...
AND BARELY A PENNY TO HER NAME.
SHE'S NEVER GONNA MAKE SOMETHING OF HERSELF.
SHE'S GONNA GO RIGHT IN THE DUMPER.
-MM-HMM.
-LET'S FIND SOME CONTOUR TO MAKE YOUR FACE LOOK SMALLER.
[ BABY COOING ]
-[ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ]
DOODLE, LOOK AT THIS CRAP.
CHRISTMAS -- IT'S FOR SUCKERS.
[ CRASH ]
WHOA.
-[ SIGHS ] ARE YOU GONNA CONTROL YOUR KID?
-SKOAL, DON'T GO BREAKING STUFF, SWEETIE!
COME ON!
GEEZ.
[ CRASH ]
-AH! CINDY WEGMAN.
I SEE YOU POPPED OUT ANOTHER ONE. [ CHUCKLES ]
-YOU SLUMMING AT THE DOLLAR KING AGAIN?
-DOLLAR KING IS ABOUT THE LAST PLACE YOU CAN GO
TO GET YOUR HAIR DONE SINCE YOUR MOM PASSED.
YOU EVER THINK ABOUT PICKING UP THE SCISSORS AGAIN?
-NO.
-I THINK YOU SHOULD REOPEN GIRL CURL...
EVEN IF IT'S JUST FOR CHRISTMAS.
-WORK IS FOR SUCKERS.
-AAH!
HMM. WAS THAT ONE OF YOURS?
-HEY. KIDS. [ CHUCKLES ] WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
-GUESS YOU DO HAIR BETTER THAN YOU RAISE KIDS.
-[ SIGHS ]
I'M NOT TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, WAYNE.
I'M JUST GIVING YOU VALUABLE ADVICE -- FOR FREE!
-I KNOW, MR. WINK.
I JUST NEED A LITTLE MORE ADVANCE ON MY PAYCHECK.
BEING THAT IT'S CHRISTMAS, THESE KIDS NEED THINGS.
-THESE AREN'T EVEN YOUR KIDS!
I MEAN, SHE'S GOT LIKE THREE OR FOUR OF THEM
ALL FROM DIFFERENT DADDIES.
CINDY WEGMAN IS A HIT AND RUN --
YOU HIT IT... AND THEN YOU RUN.
YOU GOT A FUTURE, BOY.
DON'T END UP BEING THE DUM-DUM DADDY
THAT WINDS UP PAYING FOR HER MISTAKES.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
-I DO.
THANK YOU, SIR.
SO, CAN I HAVE THE ADVANCE?
-ARE YOU JUST...
WHEN I'M TALKING...
NO!
-[SIGHS] -GET OUT!
-[ SIGHS ]
-GET OUT!
-OHH.
[ SMACKS GLASS ]
-YOU MISSED IT, MOM.
-GO TELL SOME SUCKER YOU HAVEN'T EATEN SINCE TUESDAY.
-EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.
CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY TO BUY SOME FOOD?
IT'S CHRISTMAS.
-HERE WE GO, DEAR.
-YES!
MY TURN.
-OH. GOOD JOB.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
MOMMY'S GONNA WIN THEM SCRATCHERS, READY?
YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW CHRISTMAS.
NOBODY IS GETTING ANYTHING THIS YEAR.
-BABY, YOU SHOULDN'T USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE
IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
-WHAT? "SCREW'S" NOT A BAD WORD, WAYNE.
HEY, CAN YOU, UM, PUT ALL THIS ON YOUR TAB?
-CIND, I GOT TO PAY YOUR RENT TOMORROW,
AND CHRISTMAS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER,
AND WINK'S NOT BEEN GIVING ME THE OVERTIME HOURS THAT I NEED.
-PLEASE?
-OKAY.
-[ CHUCKLES ]
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
-* ON THE 12th DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME *
* 12 DRUMMERS DRUMMING, 11 PIPERS PIPING *
* 10 LORDS A-LEAPING, 9 LADIES DANCING *
* 8 MAIDS A-MILKING, 7 SWANS A-SWIMMING *
* 6 GEESE A-LAYING *
* 5 GOLDEN RINGS *
* 4 CALLING BIRDS, 3 FRENCH HORNS *
* 2 TURTLEDOVES *
* AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE *
-CINDY, CAN WE TURN THE LIGHTS ON THE TREE THIS YEAR?
-NO, BABY, IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE.
-THIS CHRISTMAS IS GONNA SUCK -- JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM.
-HEY! DON'T SASS ME.
BESIDES, I AIN'T NEVER READ ANYWHERE
THAT CHRISTMAS HAS TO HAVE LIGHTS.
YOU KNOW, THE STARS IN THE SKY
WAS ALL THEY HAD BACK IN THE DAY.
-BUT -- -BUT NOTHING. ZIP IT.
-DON'T ZIP ME. YOU AIN'T MY MAMA.
RANDY'S MY DADDY.
-ZIP IT, OR GO BACK TO YOUR OWN TRAILER.
-[GRUNTS]
-THANK YOU, CONSTANTINE.
YOU MAY BE DEAD, BUT YOU'LL LIVE ON FOREVER,
HERE ON THE "MASTERS OF MUSIC."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
-DANG.
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
-[ SIGHS ]
-HOW FAR CAN THAT THING SHOOT?
-WELL, IT, UH, DEPENDS ON THE TRAJECTORY OF THE PIPE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT TRAJECTORY MEANS?
-NO.
-[ SIGHS ] IT'S THE ANGLE AT WHICH A FLYING OBJECT
TRAVELS THROUGH THE AIR --
MOST COMMONLY USED BY, UH, BALLISTICS EXPERTS,
BUT CAN BE APPLIED TO PAINTBALL,
AND, UH...OF COURSE, SANTA'S SLEIGH.
-OH, YEAH. OF COURSE. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.
[ ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES ]
[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]
-HEY, LOOK AT YOU ALL GROWN UP. [ CHUCKLES ]
-HEY, RANDY.
-SHOOT-DANG, RANDY.
I SAW YOUR MATCH ON TV LAST WEEK.
YOU WERE AWESOME.
-[ CHUCKLES ] YOU LIKE THAT?
A LITTLE CHOKE HOLD WITH THE RATTAIL --
MY SIGNATURE MOVE.
SAY...ARE YOU LOSING WEIGHT THERE, TWINKS?
-I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE A LITTLE RIGHT AROUND HERE.
-YEAH. [ SNIFFS ]
-WHAT A-- WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK HERE?
-CAME FOR HARLEY'S DADDY'S FUNERAL.
SORRY, BOY. YOUR DADDY WAS MY BRO.
-GEEZ, I FIGURED YOU'D FORGET ABOUT ALL OF US
ONCE YOU WENT SEMI-PRO.
-WELL, EVEN WHEN YOU GO BIG-TIME,
YOU STILL GOT TO REMEMBER THE LITTLE FOLK.
-HEY!
HEY!
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
-JAKE MARLEY'S FUNERAL.
-NO, NO.
I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO GO TO THE FUNERAL
OF CINDY'S KID'S DEAD DADDY.
-HARLEY NEEDS ME THERE FOR SUPPORT.
AND IT'S CHRISTMAS!
-SHE'S GONNA RUN YOU INTO THE GROUND.
MARK MY WORDS.
-I KNOW. I KNOW. [ ENGINE CRANKS ]
-WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
-THAT'S A TATER GUN. [ CHUCKLES ]
YOU WANT TO TRY IT?
-HELL YES, I DO. IS THERE A TATER IN IT?
-NOT YET.
-WELL, LET'S PUT ONE IN IT.
GRAB THE PROPANE.
THERE YOU GO. [ CHUCKLES ]
HOW YOU DOING DOWN THERE, TWINKS?
-IT'S GOOD. IT'S COMING ALONG. -OKAY. GOOD.
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.
-I'M GETTING LIGHT-HEADED.
-YOU DO IT, HARLEY.
[ WHOOSH! ]
[ ENGINE BUZZING ]
[ BUZZING STOPS ]
-NICE!
-AWESOME.
THERE.
-HARLEY, COME ON! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE!
OH.
YOU'RE HERE.
-WELL, I COULDN'T MISS JAKE'S FUNERAL.
IN FACT, I THINK ME AND HIM DID IT
WITH ALL THE SAME PEOPLE, INCLUDING YOU.
[ SNIFFS ]
REMEMBER THAT?
-TSK. HOW COULD I FORGET? COME ON.
-DADDY!
-OH! HEY!
OH, MAN. YOU MISS YOUR DADDY.
LET ME GET A LOOK AT YOU.
WHOA.
-I KNEW YOU'D COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS.
I KNEW YOU WOULD. WHAT'D YOU BRING ME?
-UM...YEAH.
MER-- MERRY CHRISTMAS, HONEY. [ CHUCKLES ]
-OKAY. [ CLEARS THROAT ]
ENOUGH OF ALL THIS SAPPY CRAP,
'CAUSE WE HAVE A FUNERAL TO GO TO,
AND I NEED YOU TO WATCH DOODS AND SKOAL LIKE I ASKED YOU.
-BUT I WANT TO GO, TOO.
-BRANDIE, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIM.
-DADDY. -COME ON!
-GO ON BACK INSIDE, AND I'LL BE BACK.
-[ SIGHS ]
-WHAT WAS DADDY LIKE?
-DANG, BOY.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO YOUR DEAD DADDY'S FUNERAL,
WE GOT RANDY IN TOWN,
AND YOU'RE TRYING TO PUT MAMA THROUGH A POP QUIZ?
GIVE IT A REST, OKAY?
-I'M JUST ASKING 'CAUSE I THINK IT'S RIGHT.
-HE WAS A DUMMY, OKAY?
ALL HE CARED ABOUT WAS HIS STUPID PAINTBALL,
ALWAYS OFF AT A DANG TOURNAMENT SOMEWHERE,
AND THEN RIGHT BEFORE HE WAS ABOUT TO GO PRO,
RIGHT BEFORE WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN
THAT PRO MONEY FOR ALIMONY,
HE HAD TO GO AND DIE -- RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, TOO.
WHAT A JERK.
NO HELP WITH THE KIDS' PRESENTS AGAIN.
[ SCOFFS ]
-WE'RE GETTING PRESENTS THIS YEAR?
-NO, BABY, NOT THIS YEAR.
CLAW MACHINE AIN'T BEEN TOO GOOD TO MAMA.
[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]
-YEAH?
-HELLO, THERE.
UH, I'M AMANDA -- SOCIAL SERVICES.
IS YOUR MOMMY HOME?
-NO!
[ DOOR SLAMS ]
[ SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYS ]
-NO GUNS NO GLORY PAINTBALL IS WHERE THE FUNERAL IS?
-WELL, YOUR DADDY HAD A ONE-TRACK MIND.
-IS THAT WHY YOU NEVER MARRIED HIM...'CAUSE OF PAINTBALL?
-NO, I NEVER MARRIED HIM
BECAUSE I WAS ONLY WITH HIM ONE NIGHT, OKAY?
I MEAN, MAYBE TWO, BUT THAT'S NO REASON
TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY FOREVER.
-WHOA! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
-DANG TATER CAME FLYING OUT OF THE SKY,
DRILLED ME IN THE HEAD WHEN I WAS RIDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY.
-GEEZ. -I'M OKAY.
HOW YOU HOLDING UP?
[ ENGINE REVS ]
[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]
-HEY, WAYNER.
NICE BIKE, FOR A GIRL. [ SNORTS ]
-HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TWO BOYS, UM, GO IN THERE?
WHY DON'T YOU FIND YOUR UNCLE BOB AND YOUR AUNT MARGE,
AND WE'LL SEE YOU IN THERE? YOU GOT HIM, WAYNE?
-OKAY. -OKAY. YEAH?
SEE YOU GUYS IN THERE. -LOVE YOU, MOM.
-SEEN YOU ON TV LAST WEEK IN THAT MATCH WITH THUNDER RAINS.
LOOKING GOOD.
-YOU SEEN MY SIGNATURE MOVE?
-YEAH, I SAW IT.
-[ SNIFFS ]
-FLAG?
MA'AM, FLAG FOR OUR FALLEN BROTHER?
FLAG?
FLAG.
-YOUR FAMILY RAISES THE BAR FOR NEW LEVELS OF EMBARRASSMENT.
-WHAT? IT... IT'S PATRIOTIC.
-BE CAREFUL WITH THAT.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
-HOW YOU HOLDING UP THERE, BUDDY?
-I'M FINE.
-I'M HERE FOR HIM, BOB.
-DO WE HAVE TO LOOK AT THE DEAD BODY?
-NO. NO ONE IS LOOKING AT A DEAD BODY TODAY.
-[ SNEEZES ]
-OKAY. DID YOU HEAR THAT?
HE'S ALLERGIC TO SOMETHING HERE.
-MAYBE IT'S THE FLOWERS. ARE THERE DAISIES?
-[ SCOFFS ] WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO GO NOW, BOB.
-[ Chuckling ] I CANNOT LEAVE. I JUST -- WHERE'S CINDY?
-OH, SHE'S PROBABLY NOT GONNA SHOW.
-YOU KNOW, YOU STILL LOOK LIKE A PIECE OF PIE
JUST WAITING FOR A BIG LOAD OF ICE CREAM TO TOP YOU OFF.
SO WHAT'S UP WITH THE WAYNER? HMM?
-I DON'T KNOW. HE'S COOL, AND HE TAKES GOOD CARE OF US.
-YOU REALLY THINK YOU GOT A LIFE WITH THIS COLLEGE BOY?
-I DON'T KNOW.
-IT'S LONELY ON TOP, CIND --
I MEAN, THE CIRCUIT.
THE FANS, THEY AIN'T ALWAYS KIND.
-GIVE ME SOME TIME. -DON'T!
-YOUR MOUTH'S SAYING "DON'T,"
BUT YOUR BODY'S SAYING "DON'T STOP."
-WHY YOU TRYING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME
WHEN I'M FEELING ALL WEAK INSIDE?
-YOU AIN'T WEAK.
NOBODY HAS EVER TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF YOU.
IT'S ALWAYS THE OTHER WAY AROUND.
-THAT'S LIKE YOU TO SAY.
-WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A HIT OFF OF THAT?
-[ INHALES DEEPLY ]
-HI, THERE, PEEPERS.
-PLEASE DON'T CALL HIM THAT.
-IT'S A NICKNAME, MOM! IT'S COOL!
-YEAH, MARGE. IT'S COOL.
-RATTAIL RANDY IS A KICK-ASS NICKNAME.
NICKNAMES ARE COOL.
-DID YOU HEAR THAT, MOM -- KICK-ASS NICKNAME!
-[SCOFFS] WOULD YOU PLEASE
NOT USE LANGUAGE LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF TIM?
BOB!
-YEAH. RANDY. WATCH THE LANGUAGE.
-[ SNEEZES ]
-OKAY. WE'RE GONNA WAIT IN THE CAR.
COME ON.
-BYE, HARLEY. BYE, AUNT CINDY.
BYE, RATTAIL RANDY.
-BYE, PEEPERS.
WELL...GUESS WE SHOULD GO LOOK AT HIM.
COME ON.
EW. DANG. NAILED HIM RIGHT IN THE EYEBALL.
WHEW. WELL, HE WOULD'VE WANTED IT THIS WAY.
-SHOOT, YEAH, HE WOULD. [ BEER CAN TAB SNAPS ]
-HE DID ALWAYS SAY THAT FUNERALS
SHOULD BE MORE LIKE A GOING-AWAY PARTY.
AND IT'S CHRISTMAS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
-GO FIGURE -- HE ONLY BOUGHT A SIXER.
-HE'S COLD.
-NAH. THAT'S THE ICE.
COOLER SPRUNG A LEAK.
SIP?
-I DON'T DRINK.
-YOUR LOSS.
-ALL RIGHT. Y'ALL TAKE YOUR SEATS.
[ BULLHORN CRACKLES ]
DEARLY BELOVED,
WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO BID FAREWELL TO OUR FRIEND.
JACOB ATE, BREATHED, SLEPT, AND DIED A PAINTBALLER.
SADLY, HE TOOK ONE FINAL PAINTBALL TO THE EYE,
PUSHED IT SO FAR BACK INTO HIS BRAIN,
HE HEMORRHAGED.
DAMN FOOL NOT WEARING HIS GOGGLES.
HEY, AND LET THIS BE A REMINDER TO YOU --
ALWAYS WEAR YOUR GOGGLES,
WHICH WE PROVIDE COMPLIMENTARY HERE AT NO GUNS NO GLORY
PAINTBALL AND FUN PARK.
OH, AND DON'T FORGET TO GET
YOUR 10%-MERCHANDISE-OFF COUPONS ON YOUR WAY OUT --
GOOD THROUGH THE ENTIRE HOLIDAY SEASON.
JACOB MARLEY, IN YOUR HONOR,
WE ARE DEDICATING OUR NEW
AFGHANISTAN FIELD OF BATTLE TO YOU, BROTHER.
NOW RAISE 'EM AND SHOOT, BOYS.
[ SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYS, GUNS POPPING ]
-OKAY, HONEY. [ SIGHS ]
SO, I'M GONNA -- UH, I'M GONNA GO FOR A RIDE WITH RANDY.
I JUST NEED TO FEEL THE WIND IN MY HAIR
AND MOURN THE LOSS OF YOUR DEAD DADDY, OKAY?
-UM, OKAY, BUT...
-WHAT?
WAYNE, YOU TAKE CARE OF HIM FOR ME?
-SURE, CIND, BUT I CAN MOURN WITH YOU IF YOU WANT.
-YOU'RE SO SWEET!
YOU'RE SO SWEET.
BUT YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW HIM LIKE RANDY AND I DID.
-UM, MOM.
ARE YOU GONNA MAKE IT BACK IN TIME FOR MY PLAY TONIGHT?
-YOU'RE IN A PLAY TONIGHT?
-YEAH, I'M PLAYING SCROOGE'S NEPHEW IN "A CHRISTMAS CAROL."
MAMA, I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT.
-OH! YES! JUST KIDDING!
OF COURSE I'M GONNA BE AT YOUR PLAY TONIGHT.
-OKAY.
-THAT'S A PROMISE -- I WILL BE THERE.
-I LOVE YOU, MAMA.
-OH, BABY, I LOVE YOU.
[ MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING ]
* OH, MAN, I AIN'T NEVER SEEN HER SOBER *
* ALWAYS WITH A DRINK IN HER HAND *
-[ SPITS, LAUGHS ]
SO, UH, YOU GET THE KIDS ANYTHING GOOD
FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
-I'M SURE WAYNE WILL.
-SO YOU'RE REALLY GONNA MARRY THE WAYNER?
-WELL, YOU AIN'T STEPPING UP.
BESIDES, YOU DON'T MAKE A GOOD FATHER FIGURE.
-[ SCOFFS ] AND YOU'RE THE PRIZE PICTURE OF MOTHERHOOD.
[ LAUGHS ]
-WELL, IF I GET ONE MORE, I MAKE $100.
-WELL, YOU BETTER GET IT IN THERE,
'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT I GET IF I WIN?
I TAKE YOU OVER TO THAT TABLE
AND JUST SPANK YOU LIKE A BAD CHICKEN.
[ CHUCKLES ]
-MM. LOOKS LIKE I WIN EITHER WAY.
[ SNAPS FINGERS ] WHOO!
-I WEAR THE CHAIN I FORGED IN LIFE.
I MADE IT LINK BY LINK AND YARD BY YARD.
I CANNOT REST. I CANNOT STAY. I CANNOT LINGER ANYWHERE.
-SPEAK COMFORT TO ME, JACOB.
-I HAVE NONE TO GIVE. -MOM.
-I CANNOT REST. I CANNOT STAY. -SHH.
-I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.
-CAN YOU JUST HOLD IT, BUDDY?
-THE DOCTOR SAID NOT TO HOLD IT.
-HE HAS TO GO, HE HAS TO GO.
-REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED AT THE AQUARIUM?
-SHH. -YES, I REMEMBER.
-DON'T SHUSH ME.
GO.
-I-I WASN'T.
-THAT'S WHY I'M THE BETTER PARENT.
[ ENGINE REVS ]
-REMATCH! I'M CALLING A REMATCH!
-[ SIGHS ]
[ ZIPPER UNZIPS ]
-[ Singsong voice ] OH, TIMMY.
-AAH! AAH! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!
-COME ON, PEEPERS. MAYBE YOU'LL LIKE IT.
-I DON'T LIKE URINAL CAKES!
-HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU HAVEN'T EVEN TRIED IT?
-NO!
[ SCREAMING ]
-YOU TWO, COME HERE!
YOU LIKE BEING KICKED IN THE NUTS?
NO? NO?
-HOW ABOUT YOU? -NO.
-I THINK YOU LIKE BEING KICKED IN THE NUTS.
HUH, TIMMY? WANT TO GIVE HIM A NUT PIE?
KICK HIM AS HARD AS YOU CAN! GO ON!
-[ GROANS ]
-OOH-HOO-HOO!
COME ON, PEEPERS.
BYE, LADIES. -YOU'RE DEAD, YOU LITTLE RUNT!
-TIMMY. LISTEN.
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD MENTION THIS TO YOUR MOTHER, OKAY?
BUT GOOD JOB IN THERE!
-I KICKED SOME BUTT, RIGHT?
-UH, YOU KICKED SOME NUTS!
COME ON.
-HEY.
-WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
HARLEY WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.
-I'M HERE. WHAT? I'M JUST A LITTLE LATE.
-YOU MISSED THE WHOLE PLAY.
-I DID? -YEAH.
-THE CREDITS ROLLING?
-NO. -[ SCOFFS ]
-"ARE THE CREDITS ROLLING"?
YOU HAVE TIME TO POP YOUR HEAD BACK OUT OF THE BACK SEAT.
SHE SMELLS LIKE MY UNCLE'S CAMPER.
-WHAT DID THAT SMELL LIKE? -LIKE BEER.
LIKE BEER AND SORROW.
-COME ON. LET'S GET THE CAR.
-[ SIGHS ] GOODNESS.
-HEY, WEGMAN, YOUR MOM'S FINALLY HERE.
-HOW DO YOU KNOW?
-'CAUSE THE SMELL OF BOOZE
AND USED CONDOMS JUST FILLED THE AIR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
OH, WAIT -- SHE'S NEVER EVEN USED A CONDOM BEFORE.
-HEY! THERE YOU ARE!
YOU WERE GREAT!
-HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
-HUH? OH. DIDN'T YOU HEAR THE APPLAUSE?
EVERYONE LOVED YOU!
-YEAH, I HEARD IT.
BUT I DIDN'T SEE YOU, MAMA. YOU MISSED IT.
-COME HERE. GIVE ME A HUG.
I PROMISE I'LL BE AT THE NEXT ONE, OKAY?
-I'LL SEE YA.
-HEY! YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE FAMILY.
THAT'S THE RULES, HARLEY.
[ SIGHS ]
[ SCOFFS ] YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE,
SHOWING UP HERE LATE FOR YOUR BOY'S SHOW.
-YEAH.
WELL, HE COULDN'T HAVE SEEN ME IF I CAME.
I'M DEAD ON EARTH, REMEMBER?
BESIDES...I'M ENLIGHTENED.
-[ SCOFFS ] ENLIGHTENED?
-WELL, THERE'S A WHOLE LOT OF COOL STUFF ABOUT BEING A GHOST,
BUT THE ENLIGHTENED PART, WELL, THAT'S A BITCH.
I MEAN, TRUST ME, IT'S A WHOLE LOT BETTER
NOT KNOWING NUTTIN' ABOUT NUTTIN' --
KIND OF LIKE THE WAY YOU LIVE.
-YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU'RE HERE TO HAUNT ME,
JUST GET ON WITH IT.
-WHY? 'CAUSE RANDY'S IN TOWN,
AND YOU'RE SNEAKING AROUND SO YOU CAN GET BUSY?
RANDY AIN'T GONNA FIX YOUR PROBLEMS.
YOU GOT TO FIX THEM YOURSELF.
AND I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE.
-PBHT!
I DON'T NEED NO SECOND CHANCE.
-THE HECK YOU DON'T. I HEAR TALK UP HERE, CIND.
IF YOU DON'T MAKE SOME CHANGES, THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU.
-DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT ME. I'M FINE.
-YOU AIN'T FINE, CINDY. ALL RIGHT? YOU AIN'T EVEN CLOSE.
YOU GOT TO SUPPORT THEM KIDS. YOU NEED A JOB.
-WAYNE TAKES CARE OF THAT. OKAY?
I'M DONE. BYE.
-ALL RIGHT. SUIT YOURSELF.
YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
-SHE SAW YOU WITH LYLE. THAT WAS GOOD.
-DID AUNT CINDY TOUCH YOU WITH HER DIRTY WELFARE HANDS?
-YES.
-HEY, CHAMP. YOU WERE GREAT TONIGHT.
-THANK YOU, UNCLE BOB.
-MARGE?
-I REALLY THINK YOU LOOK HANDSOME IN WHAT YOU HAVE ON.
I LIKE IT MORE THAN WHAT YOU NORMALLY WEAR.
IT'S CLEAN.
-UM, UNCLE BOB.
I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD HAVE A RIDE HOME.
-WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM? SHE FINALLY SHOWED.
[ CAR ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
HEY.
YOU KNOW SHE LOVES YOU, RIGHT?
EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS A STRANGE WAY OF SHOWING IT SOMETIMES?
-YEAH. I KNOW.
-LET'S GET SOME HOT CHOCOLATE.
-OOH! YUM-YUM.
-[ SIGHS ]
[ LOCKERS BANG ]
[ EERIE MUSIC PLAYS ]
-WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, FOUR-EYES?
-[ Echoing ] YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME?
-OKAY, I DIDN'T MAKE THE PLAY. SUE ME!
-BUT YOU WENT TO SCHOOL HERE.
-YEAH, I WENT TO SCHOOL HERE.
-I WAS IN YOUR 10th GRADE CLASS.
-YOU WERE IN MY 10th GRADE CLASS?
YOU DON'T LOOK A DAY OVER LIKE...
POLLY PRISSY PANTS.
-I NEVER LIKED THAT NICKNAME.
-YOU'RE DEAD.
YOU HAD THAT ACCIDENT...
WITH A DONKEY.
-[ SNORTS ]
YES. THAT'S RIGHT.
-ARE YOU A GHOST, TOO?
-YES. AND [SIGHS] I'M HERE TO HELP YOU.
-CRAP.
-IF THAT'S POSSIBLE.
-NO, THANKS.
-THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT CHRISTMAS FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS.
-YOU KNOW WHAT? CHRISTMAS-SCHMISHMAS.
-COME ON.
-TEARS OF JOY.
-OH, I LOOK LIKE A BIG SWEET BUN.
-[ CHUCKLES ] YOU LOOK LIKE ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
-WELL, YOU LOOK LIKE MARILYN MONROE.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
SO, HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR LITTLE ONES TO SEE SANTA?
-I DON'T TRUST NO MAN WHO WANTS TO GET DRESSED UP IN A COSTUME
AND PUT LITTLE KIDS ON HIS LAP.
RIGHT, CIND?
-CINDY, I'LL BET SANTA CAME TO YOUR HOUSE
AND BROUGHT YOU SOME BEAUTIFUL PRESENTS.
-OUR TRAILER DON'T HAVE A CHIMNEY.
-WELL, I DON'T KNOW, CIND.
MAYBE SANTA MADE A MISTAKE, AND...
I THINK HE LEFT SOMETHING FOR YOU HERE AT THE SHOP.
-THERE AIN'T NO CHIMNEY HERE, EITHER.
-GO ON. TAKE A LOOK.
DIG AROUND.
-THIS IS FOR ME!
[ GASPS ]
-OH, MY GOODNESS.
-HAIRDRESSER LIKE YOU NEEDS HER OWN KIT.
-THANK YOU, MAMA!
-YOU'RE WELCOME, SUGAR.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, LITTLE GIRL.
-YOU GOT A GOOD MAMA, AND A WONDERFUL SANTA.
-WANDA, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT'S GONNA BE?
I BEEN WAITING HERE.
-DORIS, IF I WOULD'VE KNOWN
YOU WERE SO ALL-FIRE IN A HURRY TO GET YOUR HAIR DONE,
I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU TO, UH, LET CINDY DO IT.
-OH, GOODNESS GRACIOUS. NOW, I DON'T KNOW.
-SHE CAN DO IT. ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
-YES, SHE CAN. AND YOU SHOULD TRUST ME
BECAUSE SHE'S AS GOOD AS HER MAMA,
AND SHE MIGHT EVEN BE BETTER. NOW GET IN THE CAR.
-OVER HERE. RIGHT HERE.
-YOU WON'T REGRET IT.
-YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE?
-WHAT?
A COUPLE MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN
THAT THINK A GOOD HAIRCUT'S GONNA MAKE THEIR CHRISTMAS?
-I SEE A VERY HAPPY LITTLE GIRL ON CHRISTMAS MORNING.
-OH, YEAH. JUST WHAT KIDS LOVE TO DO --
SWEEP UP SPLIT ENDS AND WASH HAIR OUT OF THE PLUMBING.
-I THINK THAT'S EXACTLY HOW YOU LIKED
SPENDING YOUR CHRISTMAS MORNING.
-NICE TRY, PRISSY PANTS. WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?
-COME ON.
-WHAT KIND OF GOOD-FOR-NOTHING WASTE OF OXYGEN
CAN'T EVEN COOK A DANG TURKEY?!
AAH! IT'S HOT ON MY FOOT! [ BABBLING ]
-WELL, NOW YOU HANG ON.
-DAMN BROKEN FOOT!
-THERE'S SOME GOOD MEAT IN THERE.
-I'M GONNA SET THIS BIRD FREE!
THIS BIRD'S GONNA FLY!
-I THINK HE JUST GAVE US "THE BIRD."
[ LAUGHS ]
-THAT AIN'T FUNNY.
-GET IN HE-- I DON'T CARE. GET IN.
-YOU DON'T CARE. THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU ALWAYS SAY.
"I DON'T CARE"! "I DON'T CARE"!
-GET IN THE DANG HOUSE! -"I DON'T CARE"!
-IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME!
-"I DON'T CARE." HOW MANY TIMES I HEARD THAT?!
IT'S ALWAYS YOUR FAULT!
-LET'S GO IN.
-WELL, IT AIN'T MY FAULT!
-NOTHING'S YOUR FAULT!
-YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE EASY OVENS, ROSS!
THEY ARE VERY COMPLICATED!
-COMPLICATED?
ARE YOU CALLING ME A DUMMY?
-YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A DUMMY, AND YOU ARE RUINING CHRISTMAS.
-NO! I AIN'T NO DUMMY.
-OH, YOU ARE A DUMMY.
YOU ARE A D-U-M-M-APOSTROPHE-Y -- DUMMY.
DUMMY, DUMMY, DUMMY!
-I AM NOT A DUMMY, AND I WILL RUIN CHRISTMAS!
I WILL RUIN CHRISTMAS!
-OH, ROSS! FOR GOD'S SAKE!
PUT THE TREE DOWN. PUT THE DANG TREE DOWN.
YOU ARE RUINING IT.
YOU ARE RUINING EVERYTHING, AND YOU'RE SCARING THE KIDS.
[ CRASHING ] OH.
-[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
-WELL...
YOU WANT TO OPEN SOME PRESENTS, KIDS?
ROSS, DID YOU GET THE PRESENTS?
-I DIDN'T BUY NOBODY NO PRESENTS.
I SPENT OUR MONEY ON A SWEET CHEVELLE FOR ME.
AND I'M GONNA GET MY BEHIND
THE HECK OUT OF LOSERVILLE!
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
-YOU RUINED THE TREE.
-YOU WANT A DANG CHRISTMAS TREE?
YOU GOT A DANG CHRISTMAS TREE.
[ SPRAY PAINT CAN RATTLES ]
-OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
-HOW YOU LIKING IT SO FAR?!
I THINK IT'S PRETTY DANG GOOD MYSELF!
THERE. YOU GOT A TREE THAT AIN'T GOING NOWHERE,
JUST LIKE THE REST OF THESE LOSERS
IN THIS DANG TRAILER PARK.
ME? [ CHUCKLES ]
I'M FREE AS A BIRD.
AND I'M GONNA FLY, BROKEN FOOT AND ALL!
BOBBY.
I WANT YOU TO TAKE OF YOUR SISTER AND YOUR MAMA.
BECAUSE YOU'RE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE NOW.
I'M FLYING!
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
-AHH.
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
GO ON.
-YOU OKAY?
-OH, SORRY -- IS THIS THE PART
WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO CRY AND FEEL ALL EMPTY INSIDE?
-OH, I-I'M NOT HERE TO TELL YOU
HOW TO FEEL OR WHAT TO DO, CINDY.
-MM. YOU COULD'VE FOOLED ME.
-* NOEL, NOEL
* NOEL, NOEL
-JUST YOU AND ME FOR CHRISTMAS TODAY, HARLEY.
-WHAT A CUTE BABY HARLEY WAS.
-GRANDMA'S NAPPING, AND YOUR MOM WILL BE HOME SOON.
[ BABY CRYING ]
-WAIT -- I DON'T REMEMBER THIS CHRISTMAS.
WHERE WAS I?
-I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.
-DO IT, TWINKIE! COME ON! DO IT AGAIN!
COME ON, TWINKIE! DO IT! DO IT!
[ ALL CHEERING ]
YEAH, TWINKIE! YEAH!
-I'M STARTING TO FEEL A LITTLE LOOSE.
-COME ON, TWINKIE! COME ON!
DO IT! COME ON!
DO IT, TWINKIE! DO IT!
[ CROWD CHEERS ]
-ALL RIGHT.
FINALLY YOU TAKE ME SOMEWHERE GOOD.
-* JOYFUL, ALL YE NATIONS RISE
* JOIN THE TRIUMPH OF THE SKIES *
-HERE. DRINK.
-NO, THANK YOU. I DON'T DRINK.
-YOU DON'T DRINK?!
EVERYBODY DRINKS. LOOK.
HOW DO YOU THINK, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE GONNA...
GET TOGETHER?
-[ SCOFFS ]
-OH, GOD.
DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T DONE THAT, EITHER.
-LET'S JUST DROP IT.
-NO. UNH-UNH. HOW ARE OLD ARE YOU -- LIKE 16?
-17.
-17?
OKAY, YOU NEED TO LOOSEN UP.
I HAD MY FIRST BABY AT 15. DRINK NOW.
-BUT THERE ARE RULES.
-RULES-SCHMOOLS. IT'S A FLIPPING PARTY. LOOK.
-* VEILED IN FLESH, THE GODHEAD SEE *
-[ HICCUPS ]
-[ SNORTS ]
-THAT WASN'T SO BAD! [ GIGGLES ]
I KIND OF LIKED IT.
-WELL, BREAKING THE RULES
IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT BREAKING THE RULES.
-MMM.
-* HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING
-HEY!
WHAT? COME HERE.
-OH! YEAH! YEAH! OH!
-YOU KNOW, I DON'T REMEMBER JAKE BEING SO ROMANTIC,
'CAUSE I LOVE TO BE ROMANCED.
-ARE YOU LOVING MY LOVING?
MM.
-BUT WAIT. BUT DO YOU HAVE A CONDOM?
-THAT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN TWICE.
-[ SCOFFS ] RANDY. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
-WHAT ABOUT JAKE -- THE FATHER OF YOUR SON,
THE GUY WHOSE ROOM YOU'RE IN?
-DANG. JAKE AIN'T NOTHING BUT A PAINTBALLER --
NO FUTURE AND CURRENTLY DEAD, BY THE WAY.
KIND OF SAD, THOUGH. HE DIDN'T SHOOT BLANKS.
-[ GASPS ] YOU'RE USELESS!
-GEEZ, I WAS JUST HAVING FUN.
I'M GONNA GET A REFILL.
[ DOOR CREAKS ]
-YOU GUYS SEEN RANDY?
[ TOILET FLUSHING ]
EXCUSE ME.
OH, MY GOD!
OHH! WHAT IS THAT?
-IT'S PIZZA WITH A HINT OF HARD-BOILED EGG.
-THAT'S DISGUSTING.
-I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BE GROSSED OUT
OR HUNGRY AGAIN.
-OKAY, YOU HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEMS.
LOOK, HAVE YOU SEEN RANDY?
ME AND HIM ARE SUPPOSED TO HOOK UP.
-NO.
-HAVE YOU SEEN RANDY?
-EXCUSE ME.
Y-YOU CAN SEE ME?
-WELL, YES.
IF YOU'RE STANDING RIGHT THERE, I CAN SEE YOU.
-WHAT? NO. NO. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
-HAVE YOU SEEN HIM OR NOT?
-I, UM -- NO, I HAVEN'T.
-HAVE ANOTHER DRINK, WHY DON'T YOU?
-I THINK I WILL.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
-RANDY?
-PAM.
-RANDY?
RANDY?
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
-COME WITH ME AND PARTY!
-* ON THE 12th DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME *
* 12 DRUMMERS DRUMMING, 11 PIPERS PIPING *
* 10 LORDS A-LEAPING, 9 LADIES DANCING *
* 8 MAIDS A-MILKING, 7 SWANS A-SWIMMING *
* 6 GEESE A-LAYING, 5 GOLDEN RINGS *
* 4 CALLING BIRDS, 3 FRENCH HENS *
* 2 TURTLEDOVES
* AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE *
-MM.
-I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND.
-OH, HEY, PAMMY.
UH, WE WAS JUST LOOKING FOR YOU.
-YEAH, LOOKS LIKE IT.
-PAM, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? -THANKS A LOT, CIND.
I MEAN, HAVING JAKE AND A BABY ISN'T ENOUGH?
YOU JUST GOT TO HAVE IT ALL, DON'T YOU?
YOU KNOW SOMETHING? YOU JUST -- YOU SUCK AS A FRIEND
A-AND AS A MOTHER AND --
AND -- AND -- WELL, YOU JUST -- YOU PLAIN SUCK! AH!
-THAT WAS KIND OF HARSH.
-EW.
-[ COUGHS, GAGS ]
-OH, WOW. YOU HAD EGGS, TOO.
-GET AWAY FROM ME. I WANT TO BE ALONE.
-OKAY.
-I'M GONNA BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE.
I SUCK AT BEING A GHOST!
[ CRYING ]
-HEY, CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE? THIS PARTY BLOWS.
-YOU, CINDY WEGMAN,
ARE A BAD, BAD PERSON.
-WHAT? I DIDN'T DO NOTHING.
-I WAS SUPPOSED TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF,
AND I FAILED!
-[ SCOFFS ] HEY, EVERYBODY FAILS, OKAY?
THAT'S LIFE.
-YOU DIDN'T LEARN POOP FROM ME!
YOU'RE HOPELESS!
OHH. OH, GOD. I NEED A BATHROOM.
-I DIDN'T DO NOTHING. EVERYBODY FAILS.
-MOM, COME ON. WAKE UP, MOM.
-WHAT?
-MOM, THERE'S SOMEONE HERE -- -HARLEY?
LOOK AT YOU ALL GROWN UP.
-MOM?
-HI.
WHOA.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
WHOA. I NEED TO SLOW MY ROLL.
I WAS JUST DREAMING UP A STORM LAST NIGHT.
-THERE'S SOMEONE HERE FROM SOCIAL SERVICES.
YOU GOT TO TALK TO HER AND MAKE HER THINK YOU'RE A FIT MOTHER.
-A FIT MOTHER? YOU DON'T THINK I'M A FIT MOTHER?
-WELL... -COME HERE.
I KNOW I MIGHT NOT ALWAYS ACT RIGHT,
BUT YOU KNOW I'M ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE
FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT, RIGHT?
-RIGHT.
JUST...HERE. LOOK. [ SIGHS ]
HERE. PUT THIS ON.
-GEEZ. [ SIGHS ]
-COME ON.
-HELLO? HELLO? WHO'S THERE?
[ GUN POPS, THUD, BABY COOS ]
-DECORATING.
-[ SNIFFS ]
[ GUN COCKS ]
-NICE SHOT, LITTLE MAN!
-[ LAUGHS ]
-SO SORRY ABOUT THE MESS,
BUT WE WERE NOT EXPECTING COMPANY.
-AMANDA JONES,
DEPARTMENT OF CHILDREN AND FAMILY SERVICES.
QUITE A PLACE YOU HAVE HERE.
DO YOU MIND IF I LOOK AROUND?
-OH, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
PLEASE, MRS. JONES, HAVE A LOOK-SEE.
[ DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE ]
-YEP. THAT RIGHT THERE IS PURE GOLD.
THAT'S A REAL LOCK OF CONSTANTINE'S HAIR --
THE LEAD SINGER.
GOD REST HIS SOUL.
YEAH, I PROBABLY WOULD'VE SOLD YOU ONE NIGHT, HARLEY,
JUST TO BE WITH HIM, HMM?
Why is she jotting that down?
-[ SIGHS ]
-WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
-TO TALK WITH TIM IN TOWN.
-WHAT? NOW?
-YEAH, I PROMISED UNCLE BOB.
-I'LL DRIVE YOU.
-MOM, I TOLD UNCLE BOB -- -I DON'T CARE.
Please don't leave me alone here with her.
-THESE BULLIES ARE HASSLING TIM AGAIN,
AND JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAD HIM KICK THEM IN THE NUTS.
-WELL, THAT'S NOT MY FAULT!
IT'S HIS DINGDONG HAIRCUT AND HIS SILLY EYEGLASSES
THAT MAKE HIM GET IN TROUBLE!
-MOM! -OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
COME ON.
I'M YOUR MOTHER, AND YOU'RE STAYING RIGHT HERE.
DAMN KIDS! -DANG KIDS.
-DA-- DANG KIDS. [ CHUCKLES ]
YEAH, THEY'RE ALWAYS LISTENING
TO THEIR FRIENDS AND NOT THEIR PARENT.
-IT, UM, APPEARS THE ONLY ITEMS
YOU HAVE IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR
ARE TWO CANS OF CHEESE-PLEASE AND A LITER OF POP?
-YEAH, IT'S -- IT'S GROCERY DAY.
-IT'S GROCERY DAY! IT'S GROCERY DAY.
LOOK, I KNOW THESE KIDS.
THEY -- THEY EAT A FULL BALANCED DIET
'CAUSE THEY'RE STILL GROWING AND CRAP, SO...
-OH. SO YOU DO HAVE A JOB?
-NO! WORKING'S FOR SUCKERS!
-[ CHUCKLES ] -SKOAL!
-I'M, ACTUALLY -- UM,
I'M, LIKE, IN THIS TRANSITIONAL PHASE RIGHT NOW.
-I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
[ DOOR CREAKS ]
UH, WHO IS SHE?
I-I DON'T HAVE HER ON MY LIST.
-OH. UM, SHE AIN'T REALLY MINE.
SEE, HER DADDY IS MY FRIEND WITH BENEFITS.
SO SHE JUST COMES AROUND HERE SOMETIMES.
-RIGHT. HMM. WELL, IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.
-OH. THANK YOU. SO, WE COOL HERE?
-BASED ON MY EVALUATION,
YOU DON'T MEET THE MINIMUM REQUIREMENTS
FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF CHILD CARE.
-WHAT? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
-WE'LL BE IN TOUCH.
-LET ME SEE THAT.
-THAT IS CONFIDENTIAL!
-YOU STILL GOT TO TAKE ME TO TOWN.
-NO, I CAN'T GO DRESSED LIKE THIS. GET IN THERE.
[ CAR ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
-CINDY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
-DON'T YOU "CINDY" ME, YOU BACK-STABBING SON OF A BITCH!
-LANGUAGE!
-OR WAS IT YOU, MARGE?
-WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?
-WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?!
YOUR LARD OF A WIFE CALLED THE GOVERNMENT PEOPLE ON ME
TO TAKE MY KIDS AWAY!
-I AM BIG-BONED, AND THAT IS THE WAY GOD MADE ME.
-MARJORIE? -I WAS DOING MY CIVIC DUTY.
-THE KIDS COULD USE A LITTLE MORE STABILITY, CIND.
-OH. WHAT KIND OF A PERSON
DOESN'T WANT THEIR OWN MOTHER TO BE WITH THEIR KIDS?!
-CINDY, YOU DON'T DESERVE THOSE KIDS.
YOU NEED TO TAKE A GOOD LONG LOOK AT YOURSELF.
YOU RELY ON EVERYBODY TO DO THINGS FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOUR KIDS DON'T EVEN EXPECT
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS THIS YEAR FROM YOU
BECAUSE THEY KNOW THAT, IF YOU HAD ONE CENT,
YOU'D SPEND IT ON YOURSELF,
OR YOU'D PUT IT IN SOME STUPID SCHEME THAT DOESN'T PAY OFF.
AND ON TOP OF THAT, MY LITTLE TIMMY HAS A BLACK EYE
FOR THE CHRISTMAS PORTRAIT THIS YEAR
BECAUSE HARLEY WAS TOO BUSY SAVING YOUR BUTT,
INSTEAD OF WALKING HIM HOME FROM TOWN.
AND I'M SORRY I SAID "BUTT."
OKAY? DON'T SAY THAT. MOMMY IS MAD.
-BOB! ARE YOU GONNA SAY ANYTHING?!
-SHE DOES HAVE A POINT, CIND.
-[ SCOFFS ]
FINE. FINE.
[ SIGHS ] YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU GUYS, OKAY?
AND, PEEPERS, I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT YOUR EYE.
-IS AUNT CINDY MAD AT ME?
[ DOOR SLAMS ] -IT'S OKAY, HONEY.
JUST -- JUST EAT.
LET'S JUST WASH THE DAY OFF OF US, OKAY?
NONE OF THIS HAPPENED.
[ SIREN WAILING ]
-[ SIGHS ]
HEY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
-OH, UH...NOTHING.
I'M JUST -- UM, JUST, UH, CUTTING SCHOOL.
-OH!
WELL, YOU SEEN WAYNE?
-NO.
WHY -- WHY WOULD I HAVE SEEN WAYNE?
-'CAUSE HE WORKS HERE.
-WELL, UM...YEAH.
NO, I...I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.
-OKAY. COOL.
THERE YOU ARE, MY LITTLE WORKER BEE.
-HEY, BABY.
-HI.
HOPE YOU DON'T MIND,
BUT I CHARGED A FEW THINGS ON YOUR ACCOUNT.
-[ SIGHS ]
HEY, WINK. CAN I HAVE A SEC?
-YEAH.
-HI, WINK.
-HEY. [ CHUCKLES ]
Hit...and run.
-I DON'T KNOW, CIND.
WE GOT TO WATCH THE SPENDING.
AND THESE SCRATCHERS?
-WELL, WHAT IF WE WON, THOUGH?
-AND DONKEY SOAP?
-NO, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE REALLY GOOD FOR YOUR FACE.
CLEOPATRA USED IT.
WAYNE, YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE COLLEGE FUND TO FALL BACK ON.
[ CHUCKLES ] COME ON.
-MY MAMA AND DADDY SAVED UP THAT MONEY
SO I COULD HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF THE TRAILER PARK.
-WELL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE TRAILER PARK?
-NOTHING.
-DO YOU LOVE ME, OR DON'T YOU?
-OF COURSE I DO. THAT'S WHY I'M STILL HERE.
-WELL, IF YOU'RE STILL HERE,
THEN LET'S MAKE THE MOST OF IT, RIGHT?
CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR BEFORE YOU GET OFF?
-WHAT?
-[ SIGHS ]
APPARENTLY, THE KIDS SHOULD EAT MORE THAN JUST CHEEZ WHIZ.
CAN YOU PICK UP SOME FOOD?
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE THE BEST.
-[ SIGHS ]
[ DROPS CLIPBOARD ]
-[ GASPS ]
[ Chuckling ] OH, MY...
OH, MY ROCK GOODNESS!
[ HEROIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
-[ Echoing ] I AM YOUR GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
-HI!
[ GIGGLES ]
-IT'S OKAY.
YOU CAN TOUCH.
-[ GASPS ]
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIED AT THE END OF YOUR CHRISTMAS VIDEO.
THAT MUST HAVE REALLY SUCKED.
-NO WORRIES.
EVEN THE LADIES UP THERE LOVE THE ROCK GODS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
-YEAH. [ GIGGLES ]
-YOU'LL SEE WHEN YOU GET UP THERE...
WHICH IS GONNA BE PRETTY SOON.
-OH.
YEAH, YEAH. I HEARD.
WELL, YEAH, I AIN'T LIVING SO GOOD,
BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
-I'LL SHOW YOU.
-OKAY.
-LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.
[ CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING ]
-WE'VE ALREADY DONE THIS ONE.
-THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS WHAT THEY APPEAR.
-WHAT A DOUBLE-CROSSER! PAM AND RANDY?!
HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE BACK IN TOWN TO SEE ME.
-LET'S JUST SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT.
-UGH.
-YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU A TOUR?
-I WANT A TOUR OF THE INSIDE.
-OH. HE DON'T NEED A DAMN TOUR.
HE'S BEEN HERE A MILLION TIMES.
-I'M NOT A PSYCHIC OR ANYTHING, BUT...
I DON'T THINK SHE'S GONNA GIVE HIM A TOUR --
NOT OF THE HOUSE, ANYWAY.
-OKAY, I NEED A DRINK.
-CHRISTMAS TIME -- EVERYBODY NEEDS A DRINK.
I'LL TAKE A COOL ONE.
-HERE YOU GO.
-SALUD.
-I'M PISSED.
-SALUD.
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
-* ON THE 12th DAY OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME *
* 12 DRUMMERS DRUMMING, 11 PIPERS PIPING *
* 10 LORDS A-LEAPING, 9 LADIES DANCING *
-BRANDIE!
-* 7 SWANS A-SWIMMING, 6 GEESE A-LAYING *
* 5 GOLDEN RINGS
-THEY GROW UP SO FAST THESE DAYS, DON'T THEY?
-WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?
-I WONDER WHERE SHE GETS IT.
-* AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE *
[ CHEERING CONTINUES ]
[ BOTH GIGGLING ]
-[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
[ LAUGHS ]
-HEY, I STILL GOT IT.
-[ CHUCKLES ]
-WE STILL GOT IT.
-YOU KNOW, I CANNOT BELIEVE
THAT DIRTY HO IS SLEEPING WITH MY MAN.
-[ CHUCKLES ] I THOUGHT WAYNE WAS YOUR MAN.
-THAT'S NOT THE POINT, OKAY?
DANG GHOSTS ARE SCREWING UP MY LIFE.
[ SCOFFS ] WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO?
THIS IS MY MAMA'S PLACE.
[ URINATING ]
HEY! LOSER!
GO DRAIN IT SOMEWHERE ELSE!
-SO YOU DO CARE A LITTLE BIT -- A VERY LITTLE BIT.
-WHAT? NO!
I DIDN'T ASK MY MAMA TO LEAVE ME THIS PLACE.
-SO WHY DIDN'T YOU SELL IT?
-'CAUSE. -'CAUSE WHY?
-'CAUSE I JUST DIDN'T, OKAY?
KIND OF MAKES ME THINK ABOUT MY MAMA SOMETIMES.
-WHAT'D YOU SAY? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU.
-I SAID IT KIND OF MAKES ME THINK ABOUT MY MAMA SOMETIMES --
BIG, FAT, HAIRY DEAL.
-LET'S GO.
-OH, COME ON.
LIKE I DON'T SEE THIS [CHUCKLES] GUY ENOUGH EVERY DAY.
-ALL RIGHT. I GOT YOU.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ADVENTUROUS AND SEXY, RIGHT?
I GOT YOU THIS SPORTY MODEL -- VERY POPULAR, TOP-OF-THE-LINE.
-IT IS A BEAUTIFUL MACHINE.
-OH, YEAH.
-BUT I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE FAMILY-ORIENTED.
-OH! GOT YOU!
LITTLE LADY PREGO, HUH? HUH?
-UH, NO. NO. -[ CHUCKLES ]
-BUT I HAVE PLENTY OF CASH FOR A DOWN PAYMENT, SO...
-OHH! WHAT AN IDIOT!
WHO TELLS A CAR SALESMAN THEY HAVE A POCKET FULL OF CASH?
-BUT DID YOU NOTICE
HE WAS LOOKING FOR SOMETHING "FAMILY-ORIENTED"?
[ INDISTINCT HAGGLING ]
DOES IT MATTER THAT YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM?
-YOU SAID IT -- CASH, TAX.
-OKAY, NEXT.
-IS THAT ALL YOU GOT TO SAY?
-SHE IS A GROWN WOMAN. SHE'S NOT A CHILD.
TIMMY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS YOUR CHILD.
-BUT SHE IS MY SISTER.
-I KNOW YOU DON'T UNDERS--
-OH! I DON'T WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND?
I HAVE SIBLINGS, TOO, BUT THEY'RE ADULTS,
AND THEY CAN TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES.
-WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
-SHE HAS TO FAIL. SHE HAS TO LEARN TO FAIL.
-I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S GETTING TO HIM.
-BUT CHRISTMAS WILL NOT BE THE SAME WITHOUT THEM!
-NO, IT WON'T. NO, IT WON'T.
WE WON'T HAVE TO WATCH A PICNIC FULL OF PEOPLE
EATING ROAST BEEF AND GRAVY WITH THEIR FINGERS
AND THEN TAKING THE BOTTOM OF THEIR SHIRTS
AND WIPING THEIR MOUTHS.
AND THEN TO TOP IT ALL OFF,
THE BURPING AND THE FARTING THAT HAPPENS --
IT MAKES THE DOG WALK AWAY, IT'S SO DISGUSTING!
-OKAY, OKAY.
LAST YEAR WAS PRETTY BAD -- I ADMIT IT.
-YES, IT WAS PRETTY BAD.
IT WAS A WHITE TRASH CHRISTMAS.
I HATE SAYING THAT,
BUT IT WAS A WHITE TRASH CHRISTMAS,
AND I AM NOT HAVING THAT AGAIN THIS YEAR.
-OKAY, SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE THEM HERE?
-I AM SAYING THAT, BOB.
I AM SAYING THAT. LOOK AT THIS. HUH?
-UGH.
-THAT IS A SYMBOL OF STATUS
AND ACHIEVEMENT AND CLASS --
SOMETHING YOUR SISTER WILL NEVER KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT.
AND IF SHE WAS SMART -- AND WE KNOW SHE'S NOT --
SHE WOULD TAKE THAT STUPID HAMMERED GOLD RECORD
AND SELL IT AND SIGN THE BEAUTY SHOP OVER TO US.
-"STUPID RECORD'S" UNCALLED FOR.
-OKAY, I CANNOT DO THIS ANYMORE.
-WHAT?! HONEY! WHAT?!
-I'VE HAD IT.
-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
-LOOK, WE NEED YOU.
BUT WE NEED 100% OF YOU.
-YOU'VE GOT IT!
-NO, WE DON'T.
-BABY, PLEASE, DON'T -- -COME ON.
-DON'T GO. I'M -- I'M BEGGING YOU.
-LOOKS LIKE HE LOVES HER TO ME.
-[ SIGHS ] THAT IS PATHETIC, BOB!
-WE'RE GONNA GO STAY WITH MY PARENTS FOR A WHILE.
-IT'S CHRISTMAS.
-THAT IS SO WRONG.
SHE KNOWS HOW BAD BOBBY FELT
WHEN OUR DADDY LEFT US ON CHRISTMAS.
-I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE!
I WANT A CHRISTMAS HERE WITH EVERYBODY!
-HONEY, IT'S OKAY. JUST COME.
-I DON'T WANT TO GO! [ SNIFFLES ]
-WE'RE JUST GONNA GO WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA
FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND HAVE CHRISTMAS OVER THERE.
YOU GOT TO MAKE A CHOICE -- IT'S EITHER HER OR ME.
[ DOOR CLOSES ]
-SO, ARE WE DONE?
-ALMOST.
-WELL [CHUCKLES] THERE AIN'T NOTHING HERE
AT THE DOLLAR KING THAT I DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
-ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
'CAUSE IF YOU'RE SURE ABOUT THAT,
I'LL MAKE YOU A WAGER.
-OH, YEAH? AND WHAT DO I GET IF I WIN?
-I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.
-HMM.
AND WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU WIN,
WHICH YOU WON'T, BUT WHAT DO YOU GET?
-YOU GET CLEANING SUPPLIES,
AND YOU CLEAN UP YOUR MOM'S OLD SALON.
-THAT'S IT?
JUST CLEAN UP HER SALON AND NOT ACTUALLY WORK THERE?
-THAT'S UP TO YOU.
-DEAL. [ SPITS ]
WELL, IF YOU DON'T SHAKE,
THEN HOW ARE YOU GONNA KNOW I'M NOT GONNA KEEP MY WORD?
-I TRUST YOU WOULDN'T BREAK YOUR WORD
WITH THE ONE AND ONLY CONSTANTINE.
-YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT. I PROBABLY WON'T. [ CHUCKLES ]
SEE? I KNEW HARLEY SKIPPED SCHOOL!
[ SIGHS ]
-MAYBE HE WAS LYING.
-LYING? HARLEY DON'T LIE TO ME.
-TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AND THINK REALLY HARD.
-OKAY.
-IT'S CHRISTMASTIME. SCHOOL IS OUT.
IT'S 9:00 P.M. AT NIGHT.
-WOW. YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
I WONDER WHY HARLEY WOULD HAVE LIED ABOUT SKIPPING SCHOOL.
-WELL, MAYBE...
HE'S HIDING SOMETHING.
-HUH.
HARLEY HAS A SHIRT WITH HIS NAME ON IT?!
HE HAS A JOB!
THAT LITTLE BASTARD.
-LITERALLY. -HEY.
WHAT DOES HE NEED MONEY FOR?
I MEAN, IF HE HAS A JOB, THEN I SHOULD BE GETTING...
-YOU SHOULD GE GETTING WHAT?
-WELL, I SHOULD JUST KNOW ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE'S MY SON,
AND I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HE'S DOING.
-MM-HMM. SO IF YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS JOB...
YOU WOULDN'T BUY ALL THAT NEEDLESS CRAP
ON HIS CREDIT ACCOUNT, ASK HIM TO BRING HOME POP,
CHEEZ WHIZ, AND LOTTO TICKETS?
THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN?
-[ SIGHS, TAPS FOOT ]
-AH, CHAMP.
THEY GOT YOU STACKING TOILET PAPER.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS, UNCLE BOB.
AND I'M...
[ SIGHS ] I'M SORRY ABOUT TIM'S BLACK EYE.
-OH, HE'LL BE FINE.
I'M NOT TOO MERRY, THOUGH. MARGE LEFT ME.
-HOW COME?
-OH, IT'S NOTHING. SHE'LL BE BACK...
I HOPE.
ANYWAY, I'M HERE FOR YOU.
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?
-YEAH. THANKS FOR DOING THIS, UNCLE BOB.
I MEAN, THEY WOULDN'T SEND THE BILL OUT TO A KID.
-HEY, CHAMP, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
-UM, I KNOW, BUT... I KIND OF HAVE TO.
THI-- THIS IS LIKE THE WHOLE CHECK.
-YEAH. LET ME TAKE --
-NO. NO, UNCLE BOB. I...
[ SIGHS ] I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF US.
-ALL RIGHT.
YOU ENDORSE IT RIGHT HERE AND SIGN IT RIGHT TO THE DWP.
-WELL, I GUESS THAT'S WHY THE POWER
DIDN'T GET TURNED OFF LAST MONTH.
[ CHUCKLES WEAKLY ]
HEY.
-I'M PROUD OF YOU, CHAMP.
YOU'RE BECOMING QUITE THE LITTLE MAN.
UH, I-I MEAN BIG MAN.
-THANKS, UNCLE BOB.
-ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
-SO THAT HOW THE ELECTRIC BILL WAS PAID LAST MONTH.
-CINDY, WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
-I WAS JUST HERE. I WAS SHOPPING AROUND.
SO WHY'D YOU -- UH...WHY'D YOU GET A JOB?
[ CHUCKLES ]
-I MEAN, THE BILLS HAD TO GET PAID SOMEHOW.
-WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.
-WELL, WHAT'S GOOD HAVING A BIG-SCREEN TV
IF YOU CAN'T WATCH IT?
-COME HERE. [ SIGHS ]
ALL RIGHT.
I'M -- UH, I HAVE TO GO NOW, SO [SIGHS]
-PHEW.
I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND THAT MAYBE YOU ACTUALLY CARED
ABOUT SOMEBODY OTHER THAN YOURSELF.
-WHERE ARE YOU GOING, MAMA?
-[ SCOFFS ] I MADE A PROMISE
TO SOMEONE THAT I-I WANT TO KEEP.
-WHAT ABOUT YOUR PROMISES TO YOUR KIDS?
-I INTEND TO KEEP THOSE, TOO.
-HAVE A GOOD TIME.
COME ON, BUD.
-[ SCOFFS ] WHATEVER.
[ SIGHS ]
-BOO! -[ GASPS ]
-BABY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
-WAYNE, I DON'T HAVE TIME RIGHT NOW.
-COME ON! YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!
-WHAT? OH, YOU GOT A MINIVAN?
SO WHAT?
-NO, THAT'S NOT THE SURPRISE.
OH, BOY, DO I HAVE A CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR YOU.
WAIT -- HOW'D YOU KNOW I GOT A MINIVAN?
-WHAT?
-HOW'D YOU KNOW I GOT -- NEVER MIND. COME ON.
I WANT YOU TO SEE YOUR PRESENT.
-[ SCOFFS ] OKAY.
-COME ON.
JUST KEEP YOUR EYES CLOSED.
-THEY'RE CLOSED.
-NO PEEKING. TURN.
[ Chuckling ] YOU READY?
-YEAH.
-TA-DA!
-MERRY CHRISTMAS!
-OH, MY -- [ LAUGHS ]
WOW!
WAYNE!
THIS IS MINE? I OWN THIS?
-ALL YOURS.
-I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN ANYTHING THIS NICE
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, WAYNE.
-SO THEN...YOU LIKE IT?
'CAUSE THE GUY I GOT IT FROM SAID IT'S IN GREAT CONDITION.
-MATSUI, YOUR FAVORITE CO--
-PLEASE STOP TALKING. I JUST NEED A MINUTE.
AHH.
OH, YEAH.
THIS IS MY HELMET?
-THAT'S YOUR HELMET. PUT IT ON, BABY.
IT MATCHES THE BIKE. YOU LOOK SO GOOD.
-THANK YOU. [ CHUCKLES ]
[ SIGHS ]
HOW'D YOU AFFORD THIS?
-DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. IT'S A GIFT.
-IS IT FROM YOUR COLLEGE FUND?
-I WAS BORN IN A TRAILER PARK,
I WAS RAISED IN A TRAILER PARK,
I'M ASSISTANT MANAGER OF THE DOLLAR KING,
AND MY WOMAN IS CINDY WEGMAN.
-WHAT?
-THAT'S WHO I AM, BABY.
-AS LONG AS YOU'RE SURE.
-WELL...YOU SEE, BABY...
MEETING YOU BROUGHT SO MUCH JOY IN MY LIFE AND --
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER, REVS ]
[ Shouting ] AND I DON'T WANT THAT JOY TO END,
SO I WAS THINKING, MAYBE YOU'D DO ME THE HONOR OF...
[ ENGINE REVVING ]
-WHOO!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]
-YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
-WANT TO GO FOR A RIDE?
-WHAT? YOU DITCH WAYNE FOR A RICH GUY OR SOMETHING?
-NOPE. WAYNE BOUGHT IT FOR ME.
-WHERE DID WAYNE GET THAT KIND OF CASH?
-WORKING.
I KNOW. GO FIGURE.
-HUH.
SCOOCH OVER.
I DON'T RIDE BACK DOOR.
-COMPROMISE?
-COME HERE.
OHH.
-[ CHUCKLES ]
[ GRUNTS ]
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ SQUEALS ]
-WHEN DO WE GET OUR PRESENTS?
-YOUR BUTT'S YOUR PRESENT.
-YOUR MOM'S BUTT'S YOUR PRESENT.
-YOUR MOM'S BUTT'S BOTH OF OUR MOM'S BUTT, SO SHUT UP.
-GUYS, CAN WE MAKE THIS CHRISTMAS NOT BE ABOUT BUTTS?
-WELL, MY BUTT'S OUT OF HERE -- NO PRESENTS, NO BRANDIE.
-HEY! YOU SIT YOUR BUTT DOWN!
DOWN.
WE'RE HAVING CHRISTMAS TOGETHER IF IT KILLS US.
-WHEN'S MAMA COMING HOME?
-IT'S CHRISTMAS, BUDDY. SHE'LL BE HERE.
-YEAH, BUD. DON'T WORRY.
-I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE
ON A BRAND-NEW HARLEY UNDER A BEAUTIFUL TREE.
[ ENGINE SHUTS OFF ]
-NO. KEEP IT ON.
-SAY WE LOSE THESE FOR A COUPLE HOURS, HUH?
-OH, MY GOD.
-WHAT?
-[ GASPS ]
OH, MY GOD.
GET OFF. -WHAT?
-RANDY, GET OFF. -WHAT?!
-JUST GET OFF MY BIKE. -NO!
-GET OFF MY BIKE. -NO.
-I GOT TO MARRY WAYNE.
WAYNE SHOULD BE HERE DOING THIS WITH ME!
WHEW.
OH.
RANDY, GET OFF!
-[ GRUNTS ]
HEY! WELL, WHAT ABOUT WHAT WE HAD TOGETHER?
-[ SCOFFS ] RANDY, YOU WERE WITH PAM AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
COME ON.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
-WELL, HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA GET OUT OF HERE?!
IT'S CHRISTMAS!
GOD!
-YOU PISSED AWAY YOUR COLLEGE FUND
ON A HARLEY FOR CINDY WEGMAN?!
BET YOU NEVER RODE NEITHER ONE OF THEM, YOU DUMMY.
NOW YOU CAN'T EVEN GET BACK TO WORK
'CAUSE YOU'RE SO SOBBING SO HARD
ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE TOOK OFF!
-BUT I LOVE HER.
[ SOBS ]
-YOU SHOULD BE SOBBING ABOUT THE FACT
THAT SHE TOOK OFF WITH ALL YOUR MONEY.
-[ SOBBING ]
-ALL RIGHT. GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!
LOOK.
YOU PUT IN SOME LONG HOURS HERE,
AND YOU DO SOME OVERTIME --
HECK, BY THE TIME YOU'RE 40...
-[ CRIES ]
-THERE YOU ARE!
[ GIGGLES ]
OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY SO?
-REALLY? -YEAH.
WHAT THE HECK ELSE AM I GONNA DO?
-DO YOU LOVE ME?
-IF WINK WASN'T HERE, I'D SHOW YOU JUST HOW MUCH.
-DON'T MIND ME.
-BUT SINCE HE IS,
I'M JUST GONNA TAKE THE MINIVAN AND I'M GONNA GET USED TO IT.
I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT HOME, OKAY?
-WINK, PLEASE DON'T MAKE HIM WORK TOO LATE.
-[ Mockingly ] NO, I WON'T.
-[ CHUCKLES ]
-SEE? SHE DOES LOVE ME!
-GET OFF!
FOR AS BRIGHT AS YOU ARE,
YOU ARE AS DUMB AS A BAG OF HAMMERS --
DUMB, DUMB, DUMB!
-OH.
[ SIGHS ] DANG IT.
-[ Echoing ] YOU LOOKING FOR THIS?
-OH, NOT NOW. REALLY? [ SIGHS ]
-WHERE ARE YOU HEADED?
-TO WHAT I PROMISED THE LAST GHOST I WOULD DO.
-[ SCOFFS ] CLEAN UP YOUR MAMA'S SHOP?
NO, YOU AIN'T.
-[ SCOFFS ]
[ SNAPS FINGERS ]
-THIS AIN'T RIGHT.
THIS AIN'T THE SALON.
-THIS IS LIKE --
-SCRAPBOOKING PLACE.
-WHAT THE HECK?
-IT LOOKS GOD-AWFUL, DON'T IT?
[ LAUGHS ]
[ COUGHS, LAUGHS ]
-HEY, I KNOW THAT LAUGH.
I KNOW THAT LAUGH!
MAMA.
-[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
-YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.
-WELL...
-WHAT'S UP WITH THE CREEPY BLACK ROBE?
-ROBE'S PART OF THE TRADITION
FOR, UH, GHOSTS OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE.
ANYWAY, AFTER YOU MARRIED WAYNE,
YOU SOLD THE PLACE TO BOB AND MARGE.
YOU NEVER DID GET NO JOB.
-[ SCOFFS ]
WELL, I ACTUALLY THINK IT LOOKS KIND OF NICE.
-OH, YOU LIKE THE WAY THIS LOOKS?
IT LOOKS LIKE A MAGAZINE OR SOMETHING.
IT'S GOT NO SOUL.
I MEAN, HONEY, LOOK WHAT YOU LET HAPPEN
TO THE SALON THAT I BUILT WITH MY OWN HANDS.
-IT'S QUAINT!
-YEAH.
THEN MARGE WENT EVEN HOG-WILD
AFTER SHE GOT IT ALL IN THE DIVORCE.
-WAIT -- BOB AND MARGE GOT A DIVORCE?
-YEAH.
-SEE? [ CHUCKLES ] I KNEW THE FUTURE LOOKED BRIGHT.
I KNEW IT.
-YEAH. [ CLICKS TONGUE ]
THEY DIDN'T GET ALONG SO WELL
AFTER, YOU KNOW, THE INCIDENT WITH...
LITTLE TIM.
-WHAT HAPPENED WITH TIM?
-[ SIGHS ]
-HEY, HEY!
WHAT HAPPENED TO TIM?
-OH. OH. OH.
SO SUDDENLY YOU CARE ABOUT TIM, HUH?
-I'VE ALWAYS CARED ABOUT PEEPERS!
-[ SIGHS ]
-WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HARLEY?
-REMEMBER THE PHRASE,
"I'D RATHER PUSH A HARLEY THAN RIDE A HONDA"?
-YEAH.
-THAT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO COULD AFFORD THEM.
YOU WERE TOO GOOD TO RIDE A HONDA,
BUT TOO LAZY TO WORK
TO MAKE THE MONEY TO KEEP A HARLEY.
NOW, COME ON.
THIS IS HURTING ME JUST AS MUCH AS IT HURTS YOU.
-[ SIGHS ]
-MAKES ME REALIZE I WAS A BAD MAMA.
YOU NEVER DID LEARN HOW TO COOK,
AND WAYNE TOOK TO EATING THE PIMENTO LOAF
AT THE DOLLAR KING ALL DAY LONG.
-DANG.
WAYNE! [ SCOFFS ]
WAKE UP, YOU LARD. IT'S TIME FOR WORK!
-[ SIGHS ] IT'S CHRISTMAS.
-SO? THE DOLLAR KING AIN'T NEVER CLOSING!
-I QUIT.
-QUIT? REALLY?
WELL, YOU KNOW THAT WINK'S GONNA DIE,
AND YOU'RE GONNA GET PROMOTED.
-I CAN'T BELIEVE WINK NEVER PROMOTED ME.
HE PROMISED.
BABY, HE PROMISED.
-WHAT A LOSER!
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT, OF ALL THE LOSERS
IN ALL THE DIFFERENT TRAILER PARKS,
THAT WAYNE WAS GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
-HE WOULD'VE BEEN, TOO,
BUT BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN IS A GREAT WOMAN.
-ARE YOU SAYING I AIN'T A GREAT WOMAN?
-YOU THINK IT WAS BETTER FOR HIM
TO BUY YOU A HARLEY THAN TO GO TO COLLEGE?
-IT WAS FOR ME. -OH, LOOK AROUND.
YOU REALLY THINK
THAT THIS WAS BETTER FOR YOU IN THE LONG RUN?
-LET ME GUESS -- THAT'S ME IN THE BOX.
I AIN'T AFRAID OF DYING.
-LOOK AROUND. FUNERAL PARLOR'S PRETTY EMPTY.
-SO?
IT'S NOT LIKE I'D BE AROUND TO CARE.
THOUGH, ACTUALLY, I DID THINK WAYNE MIGHT BE HERE.
HE WAS PRETTY GOOD ABOUT OBLIGATIONS.
-WAYNE DIED A YEAR AGO.
SAW A COMMERCIAL FOR I.T.T. TECHNICAL COLLEGE
AND BEGAN CRYING SO HARD HIS THROAT DONE CLOSED UP
AND COULDN'T GET NO MORE AIR.
STRANGE OCCURRENCE.
SUFFOCATED TO DEATH.
-HMM.
SEE? LOOK. SOMEBODY LOVES ME.
HERE COMES BOB.
HE'S ALWAYS GOOD ABOUT OBLIGATIONS, TOO.
-I HAVE LAID AWAKE MANY A NIGHT, THINKING TO MYSELF,
"THERE AIN'T NO ONE THAT CAN GET THROUGH TO THIS WOMAN.
"AND EVERY DAY,
"WITH THE TRAIN WRECK OF A LIFE THAT YOU'VE LED,
"SOMEHOW YOU'D GET BY...
WITHOUT A CARE FOR ANYO BUT YOURSELF."
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT...
I'M GLAD YOU'RE GONE!
-ALL THESE YEARS, HE'S BEEN WISHING FOR ME TO DIE?
-YOU RUINED MY LIFE!
-OH, SIR!
SIR, I UNDERSTAND THIS IS AN EMOTIONAL TIME,
BUT I CAN'T LET YOU HURT THESE FLOWERS.
-I WAS JUST LEAVING.
-[ SIGHS ]
-UNCLE BOB.
-WHO'S THAT?
-I'M GLAD YOU CAME.
-OH, THAT MUST BE SKOAL. HE ALWAYS HAD A WILD STREAK.
-WHAT HAPPENED WITH TIM, THAT WAS MY FAULT AND NOT HERS.
-WAIT -- WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED WITH TIM?
DID -- DID HE COME OUT OR SOMETHING?
-KEEP WATCHING.
-NO, CHAMP, IT WAS HERS...
AND MINE, A LITTLE BIT, FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN,
BUT NOT -- NOT YOU.
YOU WERE A VICTIM, SON...
JUST LIKE TIM.
YOU KNOW, HARLEY, YOU WERE ALWAYS SPECIAL TO ME.
-HARLEY?
-I LOVE YOU, UNCLE BOB.
I'M SORRY AGAIN.
[ CHAIN CLINKING ]
-THIS IS A MISTAKE.
HE WOULD MAKE ME THROW BACK PENNIES FROM THE WISHING WELL.
HE WOULD -- HE WOULD NEVER STEAL FROM ANYBODY.
-THE MONEY WAS RUNNING OUT, THE BILLS WERE PILING UP,
WAYNE'S PAYCHECK FROM THE DOLLAR KING
JUST WENT INTO THE NEGATIVES WITH ALL YOUR SPENDING,
AND THAT DAMN HARLEY KEPT BREAKING DOWN
AND NEEDING TO BE FIXED.
-BUT I WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED HIM TO FIX IT.
-YOU DIDN'T NEED TO ASK.
-AND TIM -- [ SIGHS ]
-TIM LOOKED UP TO HARLEY AND COULDN'T SAY NO.
-DID HE DIE IN THE ROBBERY?
-NO. THE CLERK DID.
TIM DROPPED THE GUN, AND IT WENT OFF.
-WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
-TIM DIED THE FIRST NIGHT IN THE COUNTY JAIL.
THEY COOKED HIS FOOD IN PEANUT OIL.
-OHH.
-[ Chuckling ] WELL, HEY.
AREN'T YOU GONNA MAKE A CRACK ABOUT THAT?
I MEAN, TYPICAL, RIGHT? HE'S SUCH A LITTLE WUSSY.
HE COULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT THROUGH ONE NIGHT AT THE CLINK,
AND IT WASN'T 'CAUSE HE WAS SHANKED, EITHER.
IT'S 'CAUSE OF A PEANUT ALLERGY.
[ Chuckling ] I MEAN, WHAT A LAME-ASS, RIGHT?
-IT'S NOT FUNNY!
-REST IN PEACE, MOM.
[ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS ]
HARLEY?
HARLEY!
YOU KNOW YOUR MAMA LOVES YOU, RIGHT?
HARLEY!
HARLEY.
YOU LOVE YOUR MAMA, RIGHT?
HARLEY? HARLEY, YOU LOVE YOUR MAMA, RIGHT?
HARLEY!
HARLEY, YOU LOVE...
-MAMA. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
-AM I A GOOD MAMA?
-YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.
-THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED YOU.
-WELL, YOU'RE MY MAMA.
AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.
-BUT YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, RIGHT?
-I KNOW THAT YOU'VE GOT YOUR OWN WAY OF SHOWING IT.
ARE YOU OKAY?
-[ SIGHS ]
I GOT SOME THINGS TO FIGURE OUT.
-[ SIGHS ]
HARLEY.
I LOVE YOU VERY, VERY MUCH, ALL RIGHT?
BUT I NEED YOU TO GO BACK TO BED NOW.
-MAMA, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, I'M HERE.
AND I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, MAMA.
YOU KNOW THAT. RIGHT?
-I DO KNOW THAT, AND THAT'S WHAT WORRIES ME.
COME HERE.
NOW YOU GET ON BACK TO BED, 'CAUSE TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS.
-BUT, MAMA.
-GO ON. DO AS YOU'RE TOLD.
-GOOD NIGHT. -GOOD NIGHT.
[ SIGHS ]
[ DOOR CREAKS ]
[ CAR DOOR CLOSES, ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
[ DIALING ]
-Ho, ho, ho.
You've reached Bob, Marjorie, and Tim.
We're at the outlet mall,
shopping for your Christmas presents,
so we can't take your call right now,
but we sure do want to talk to you.
Leave a message at the sound of the beep.
[ Beep ]
-HI, UNCLE BOB.
UM...I'M SORRY THAT I CALLED SO LATE --
OR EARLY -- BUT I'M WORRIED ABOUT MOM.
I THINK SHE'S LEAVING US.
AND I'M SORRY IF I WOKE YOU UP.
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[PHONE BEEPS ]
[ SIGHS ]
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
-RIGHT ON...
[ WEIGHT JANGLING ]
...EVERYTHING.
[ SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY ]
UH-HUH.
[ DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE ]
MAKE SURE YOU'RE IN FOCUS.
[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]
WELL [CHUCKLES]
FINALLY COME TO YOUR SENSES?
WANT TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH THE RATTAIL?
-DO YOU HAVE A SECOND TO TALK?
-YEAH.
IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE ON THE ROAD, THOUGH.
I'M LEAVING FOR YUMA TONIGHT.
-OH. WELL, IT'S CHRISTMAS.
-YEAH, WELL, I GOT A MATCH TONIGHT...
[ SNIFFS ] "X-MAN FOR XMAS."
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SHOULD COME.
-HMM.
WELL, THAT'S KIND OF WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
-REALLY?
[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]
-IS IT CHRISTMAS YET?
-YEAH, SKOAL. IT'S CHRISTMAS.
-WHERE'S MAMA?
-I DON'T KNOW.
[ PHONE RINGS ]
[ PHONE BEEPS ]
HELLO, MAMA?
-NO. HEY, BUDDY.
IT'S YOUR UNCLE BOB. IS YOUR MAMA THERE?
-NO.
-OKAY, I GOT THIS CRAZY NOTE FROM HER.
-WE GOT ONE, TOO. BUT WE HAVEN'T OPENED IT YET.
-HOLD ON A SECOND, BUDDY. I GOT ANOTHER CALL.
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
-BOB, TIM IS GONE!
-MARGE, JUST CALM DOWN.
-HE'S GONE, AND I HAVE A NOTE HERE FROM YOUR CRAZY SISTER.
I THINK SHE TOOK HIM.
-HOLD ON, HONEY.
-WHAT? "HOLD ON"?
DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I SAID?
[ Cellphone beeps ] -BOB?
-UNCLE BOB? -HEY, BUDDY.
LOOK, YOUR AUNT MARGE GOT A NOTE, TOO.
I'm gonna come over there,
and I'm gonna pick you up, so get ready.
-OKAY.
-Okay, I'll see you in a second, bud.
-OKAY. BYE-BYE.
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] -BOB. BOB.
DO YOU HEAR ME, BOB?
OH, WHAT I AM GONNA DO THAT WHITE-TRASH SISTER OF YOURS!
-HONEY, CALM DOWN. EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE JUST FINE.
I WILL MEET YOU THERE.
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
-BOB.
BOB?
[ BABY CRYING ]
-HAVE YOU SEEN TIM?
-NO. WHY?
-HE ISN'T HERE?
-I DON'T KNOW. I JUST GOT HERE.
-WHY DON'T YOU EVER KNOW ANYTHING?
-I...I KNOW SHE'S --
-HE MIGHT NOT EVEN --
-HEY. YOU'RE ALL HERE!
COME ON. COME ON IN.
-HONEY.
OH, HONEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?
AND WHERE ARE YOUR GLASSES?
-LOOK AT ME, MOM. I'M COOL!
-I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE --
-CAN YOU CALM DOWN, YOU BEAST, OKAY?
HIS HAIRCUT AIN'T GONNA COST YOU NOTHING.
IT'S A FREEBIE, AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M EVEN SAYING THAT.
ALL RIGHT. HOP DOWN.
[ GRUNTS ] -AAH!
-I THINK YOU MIGHT STILL NEED THESE, THOUGH.
COME HERE. -THIS IS LOVELY.
YEAH, HE'S GOT IT.
-SO YOU JUST REMEMBER THAT COOL COMES FROM THE INSIDE, OKAY?
MWAH! HEE-HAW!
-HOW DID YOU PULL THIS OFF?
-LET'S JUST SAY THAT...
MAMA MADE ME DO IT.
-MAMA, CAN WE OPEN OUR PRESENTS NOW?
-OF COURSE YOU CAN, BABY.
HARLEY, MAKE SURE YOU GET ALL THE RIGHT ONES, OKAY?
-WE GET OUR OWN PRESENTS THIS YEAR?
-YEP.
AND I DIDN'T EVEN USE THE CLAW MACHINE. [ CHUCKLES ]
-WHAT ABOUT ME?
-OF COURSE YOU. HONEY, COME HERE.
COME HERE.
BUT YOU KNOW YOUR DADDY IS AWAY IN YUMA.
HE HAD A MATCH. BUT I TOLD HIM I'D TAKE
[Singsong voice] REAL GOOD CARE OF YOU.
-HERE, BRANDIE.
-[ CHUCKLES ]
-SO, YOU NEED TO START DRESSING A LITTLE MORE RESPECTABLE.
-THIS IS REALLY GREAT WHAT YOU DID.
WE ARE GONNA BE SO HAPPY TOGETHER!
-UM, CAN I GIVE THIS TO YOU OUTSIDE?
AWESOME. BYE, BABY. COME ON.
-COME HERE, CHAMP. LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
-LOOK AT ME, DAD. -LOOK AT THAT!
SHE MADE YOU STRONGER, TOO, HUH?
-[ SIGHS ]
HERE. OPEN IT.
[ PAPER RIPPING ]
-YOUR HAMMERED GOLD RECORD?
-WELL, I FIGURED IT WOULD TAKE CARE OF YOUR ACCOUNT
OVER THERE AT THE DOLLAR KING,
'CAUSE I KNOW ALL THAT WASN'T CHEAP.
-WOW.
THE HARLEY?
AND THE RING, TOO?
DOES THIS MEAN "NO"?
'CAUSE I LOVE YOU.
-OH, WAYNE, YOU ONLY LOVE ME
BECAUSE WE LIVE IN THIS CRAP TOWN.
BUT WHEN YOU GET TO WHERE YOU'RE GOING,
YOU'RE GONNA FIND SOMEBODY THAT YOU DESERVE TO BE WITH.
YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE IN A TRAILER PARK.
YOU'RE GONNA DO BIG THINGS IN THIS LIFE --
IMPORTANT THINGS.
-YOU REALLY THINK SO?
-I KNOW SO.
OKAY, SO I HAVE ONE MORE GIFT FOR YOU,
BUT YOU HAVE TO TURN AROUND.
-HEY!
-WELL, NOW YOU'RE ALL READY FOR COLLEGE!
COME HERE, WAYNE. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-OH. EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, MISS?
[ CHUCKLES ] YEAH. I-IS THE SALON OPEN?
-C-C-CAN YOU SEE THAT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING?
-CIND, YOU MIGHT WANT TO...
MA'AM, I APOLOGIZE FOR HER.
SHE CAN BE A TAD ON THE ABRASIVE SIDE SOMETIMES.
BUT HER HEART'S IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
-LOOK AT YOU USING ALL THESE BIG COLLEGE WORDS ALREADY.
-I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO INTRUDE.
I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF THE SALON WAS OPEN,
'CAUSE I WANTED, YOU KNOW, A REDO OR A REBIRTH.
-YOU KNOW, I'VE HEARD ALL THE STOR--
-HEY, LISTEN, I REALLY DON'T NEED
TO HEAR YOUR LIFE STORY, OKAY?
CAN YOU COME BACK IN AN HOUR, AND I'LL FIX THAT MESS?
-OKAY. AN HOUR.
-[ Chuckling ] CINDY.
-WHAT?
-YOU SHOULD BE NICE.
[ SIGHS ] MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-[ SIGHS ]
WAYNE.
YOU TAKE CARE.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
-SEE, YOU COULD WEAR THAT TO THE SIZZLER OR THE PROM.
THAT IS GORGEOUS.
-IT'S GROWING ON ME.
-[ SIGHS ] OKAY.
-I WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID FOR TIM.
IT PAINS TO SAY THIS,
BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM LOOK HAPPIER.
-SO IS THIS SOME SORT OF AN APOLOGY?
-WELL, LOOK, I'M SORRY, TOO.
SO...
-UH, UH. BABY STEPS.
-[ Chuckling ] I AGREE. [ SPITS ]
-[ SPITS ]
-IS EVERYTHING OKAY, LADIES?
-YES.
-AH! I KNEW IT!
[ ALL CHUCKLING ]
-SO, BOB, I WAS THINKING ABOUT A CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOU.
-OH, NO. THIS IS ALL THE GIFT I NEED.
-SINCE MAMA HANDED ME THIS STORE,
AND SHE'S YOUR MAMA, TOO, WHY DON'T WE BECOME PARTNERS?
-OH.
I-I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
-UM...YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT NOT BE A BAD IDEA.
LOOK, THERE IS -- THERE'S A LINE OUTSIDE THE DOOR.
-BUT WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT, BUT NOT TODAY.
TODAY IS CHRISTMAS.
-WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU TWO.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-AND MERRY CHRISTMAS, KIDS!
NOW, YOU GUYS...
I KNOW I DON'T SAY THIS ENOUGH,
BUT I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS ENTIRE WORLD.
AND THAT'S WHY I NAMED YOU
AFTER SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS -- CHEEZ DOODLES.
[ BABY COOS ]
SKOAL.
BRANDIE.
-BUT YOU DIDN'T NAME ME.
-I KNOW, BUT I STILL LIKE BRANDIE.
AND I LOVE YOU LIKE YOU'RE ONE OF MY OWN.
'CAUSE FAMILY IS VERY IMPORTANT, OKAY?
FAMILY IS ALL WE REALLY GOT.
AND, HARLEY, MY ANGEL.
YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU THE MOST.
I'M JUST KIDDING. I LOVE ALL YOU GUYS.
BUT I LOVE YOU.
AND THIS IS FOR YOU.
-THANK YOU, MAMA.
-YOU'RE WELCOME.
-* NOEL, NOEL
-IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING.
-I LOVE IT, MAMA.
-OH, DON'T GO BS'ing ME, BOY.
IT'S, UH -- IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE WHEN YOU --
[SIGHS] WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE SOMETHING,
BUT IT'S LIKE -- IT'S LIKE IT MEANS SOMETHING,
BUT IT'S...
HELP ME. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
-A SYMBOL? -YES! A SYMBOL!
DANG! WAYNE MUST HAVE BEEN TEACHING YOU
WHILE I WAS OUT DOING...
DOING MY THING.
SO, THAT IS SUPPOSED TO REMIND YOU
OF WHERE YOU'VE COME FROM,
BUT NOT WHERE YOU'RE GOING, OKAY?
AND THAT'S PROBABLY ME IN THERE WITH MY FEET UP ON THE RECLINER
AFTER A HARD DAY AT GIRL CURL -- JUST LAZY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
MAKE IT SNOW!
-[ CHUCKLES ]
-[CHUCKLES] ALL RIGHT.
-THIS IS ONE BADASS CHRISTMAS!
-TIM, WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!
-* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
* GOOD TIDINGS TO YOU
-MEGA HUG.
-* TO YOU AND YOUR KIN
* GOOD TIDINGS FOR CHRISTMAS
* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
-WELL... I THINK THAT PRETTY WELL.
-SHE'S A CHANGED PERSON!
-AW, SHE'LL BLOW IT.
BUT TODAY SHE'S HAVING A GOOD ONE.
[ COUGHING ]
-* WE WON'T GO UNTIL WE GET SOME *
-ONLY ONE FOR YOU.
-[ CHUCKLES ] OKAY.
-AHH!
-HEY.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-CHEERS. [ CHUCKLES ]
-SALUD.
-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
-[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
-I LOVE CHRISTMAS.
-I LOVE THIS.
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
-* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* AND A HAPPY NEW YE-E-EAR
* YEAH! HEY, HEY!
[ "JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS ]
-JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE BELLS!
JINGLE ALL THE WAY!
OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE
ON A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH!
YEAH!
CAN I HEAR A "JINGLE BELLS"?!
-* DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW, IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH *
-* O'ER THE FIELDS WE GO, LAUGHING ALL THE WAY *
-[ LAUGHS ]
-* JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS
[ HUMMING WITH MOUTH FULL ]
-* OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH *
-HEY!
-* JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY *
* OH, WHAT FUN [Laughing] IT IS TO RIDE... *
-* JINGLE ALL THE WAY
-* OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE
* IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH
-* JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS
* JINGLE ALL THE WAY
* WHAT'S THE PART WHERE ROBIN AND BATMAN SAY SOMETHING? *
-* BATMAN SMELLS, ROBIN LAID AN EGG *
-* OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH *
HEY!
-* OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE-HORSE... *
-* OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH *
-* SLEIGH!
* YEAH-HEY-HEY, YEAH-HEY