(Rock Music)
It's Getting Late.
Stop Dancing Around With That Food
And Start Eating It.
You Said We Could Have The Radio On.
I Said You Could Listen To It.
I Think We Should Be Allowed Some Moments Of Happiness.
If You Want To Keep Dancing Around
Spilling Food And Acting Like Fools, That's Fine With Me.
When She Says, "Fine With Me"
It's Not.
Mom, I Wanted My Eggs Scrambled.
Coming Right Up.
Mom, Scramble My Cereal.
I'm All Scrambled Out.
I Didn't Get Much Sleep Last Night.
Mom, You Know What You Need--
What We AllCould Use--
A Nice Soothing Dog.
A Real Family Dog For All Of Us.
We Already Have A Family Dog-- You.
Theodore, Your Sister Doesn't Call You Names.
I Just Wanted An Animal
Whose Name Starts With The Same Letter
As The Grades On Your Report Card
Which You're Getting Today.
I'm Assuming It Will Be Better Than Last Semester's.
Oh, I'm Assuming The Same Thing.
But You Know
Teacher's Grade You On Some Weird Things.
Like Exams And Papers?
Right.
Hey.
Hey, Dad.
Hi, Daddy. Hi, Daddy.
Listen, Let's Put On Some Music Around Here.
(Jazz)
Mr. Mcmannus, Where Are You Going?
I Need Some Air.
How's That?
Mr. Mcmannus, Your Wife Is Having A Baby In There.
She Doesn't Want Me There.
She Does Want You There.
But She Yelled At Me.
Women Are Like That.
My Wife, When She Was There In The Delivery Room
And That Pain Hit
My Wife Stood Up
And Told Everybody In The Delivery Room
That My Parents Were Never Married, Okay?
So Don't Worry About It.
But I Forgot Everything.
I Forgot How To Breathe.
All You Do Is:
I Mean My Own Breathing.
Mr. Mcmannus, Your Wife Is Going To Have The Baby.
So Don't Worry About It.
There Are Women
Who Are Nine Months Pregnant Who Are Out Picking Rice.
The Baby Falls Out
And Starts To Pick Beside The Mother.
I Don't Know Anything About Rice.
Mr. Mcmannus, What I'm Trying To Say Is
Your Wife's Going To Deliver Anyway, Trust Me.
I'm Just Going To Hold The Rope.
All You Have To Do Is Cheer.
Cheer?
Cheer.
Push... Just Push.
Cheer.
Push Him Out, Shove Him Out, Way Out!
Push Him Out, Shove Him Out
Way Out!
Push Him Out, Shove Him Out, Way--
Let's Go!
Stop Touching Me.
Mom...
Teddy's Touching Rudy Again.
I Wasn't Doing Anything.
Uh-Huh.
You're In Trouble Already--
Bringing Home That Report Card.
Your Parents Give You Everything And What Do You Do?
Like I Said...
Don't Answer Me When I'm Asking You Questions.
Keep Your Mouth Shut.
You Think I'm Talking Just To Hear Myself?
Answer Me.
Now?
Save The Smart-Mouth Answers For Your Father.
I'm Finished With This Entire Matter.
Right, No Problem.
Snitch.
Mom, Teddy's Throwing Food.
Please Control Your Children.
You've Fooled Around Long Enough.
Denise, Clear This Table.
Theodore, You Go To Your Room And Wait For Your Father.
You Two, Go Upstairs
Get Into The Shower
Turn On The Water, Stand Under The Water
Use The Soap, Rinse And Dry Yourselves
And Go To Sleep.
Stop Touching Me!
I Wasn't Touching You, Little Girl.
You Was Too Touching Me!
Don't Start Touching Me.
Okay, I Won't Touch You.
I'll Shove You.
New Rule In This House Starting Now:
Nobody's To Touch Anybody
Anywhere With Anything For The Rest Of Their Lives.
Cliff...
Why Do We Have Four Children?
Because We Did Not Want Five.
Hello, My Dear.
Right.
Mrs. Mcmannus...
Mrs. Mcmannus Finally Delivered
After Being In Labor For 30 Hours.
Brought Her Into The Room, Thought We'd Have Big Trouble...
Popped It Out Just Like Toast.
I Just Had To Sit There In The Crouch Just Like Johnny Bench.
Who's In Trouble Now?
Theodore.
Good, Because I Thought It Was Me.
Take A Look At This.
Four D's.
You Better Handle It.
If I Do, He'll Say "No Problem," And I'll Have To Kill Him.
So You Want Me To Kill Him For You?
Right.
Can I Have Something To Eat Before I Kill Him?
Cliff...
Yeah.
I'll Be Crueler On An Empty Stomach.
Cliff!
(Knocking)
Theo.
Yo.
Hard To Get Good Help, Isn't It?
Son...
Your Mother Asked Me To Come Up Here
And Kill You.
Hey, I Know.
You Know What?
What You're Going To Say.
And It's Under Control, So...
No Problem. No Problem.
How Do You Expect To Get Into College With These Grades?
No Problem. Huh?
I'm Not Going To College.
Damn Right.
I'll Get Through High School.
And Then Get A Job Like Regular People.
Regular People?
Yeah, You Know, Who Work In A Gas Station
Or Drive A Bus.
So You're Saying
Your Mother And I Shouldn't Care If You Get D's
Because You Don't Need Good Grades
To Be Regular People.
Right.
Okay.
Suppose...
You Graduate From High School.
Let's Say You Just Slide By.
You've Got To Find A Job.
What Kind Of Salary Do You Expect
For A Regular Person?
Mmm... $250 A Week.
$250 Dollars A Week?
Yeah. Sit Down.
I'll Give You $300 A Week.
Yes, Indeed.
$300 A Week-- $1,200 A Month.
All Right?
I'll Take It!
Yes, You Will.
And I Will Take $350 For Taxes...
Whoa!
Because The Government
Comes For The Regular People First.
How Much Does That Leave You With?
$850.
All Right.
Now You've Got To Have An Apartment
Because You Are Not Going To Live Here.
So An Apartment In Manhattan
Will Run You At Least $400 A Month.
I'll Live In New Jersey.
All Right.
You Live In New Jersey, You've Got To Have A Car.
I'll Ride A Motorbike.
You Need A Helmet.
Figure $100 A Month For Clothes And Shoes.
Figure $200-- I Want To Look Good.
So What Does That Leave You With?
$200.
So, No Problem.
There Is A Problem.
You Haven't Eaten Yet.
I Can Get By On Baloney And Cereal.
So I've Got Everything I Need Plus $200 Left For The Month.
Plan To Have A Girlfriend?
For Sure.
Regular People.
Vanessa: Open This Door!
Vanessa.
Denise!
Vanessa!
Vanessa.
Come Here.
Here, Here, Here.
There Is There.
This Is Here-- Come Here.
Denise Pushed Us Out Of The Bathroom
And The Shampoo Is In Rudy's Eyes
And Now Rudy Might Be Blinded For Life.
If She Is, Can We Get A Dog?
No, But You Can Walk Your Sister...
Down To My Room.
Get Her Cleaned Up.
Good Ahead, Rudy.
Whoa.
Hey!
Hey.
Where You Going?
I've Got A Date.
Not In Those Pants.
Blood Cannot Get Up To Your Brain From Your Leg.
And Besides, This Is A School Night.
It's Friday, Daddy.
Did You Go To School Today?
Yeah.
So It's A School Night.
Mom Said I Could Go. Go Ask Her.
Ask Mom?
I Have To Ask Your Mother?
I Don't Have To Ask Anybody.
Now Go On In And Change Your Pants.
Thank You.
Clair!
Yes.
Did You Tell Denise She Could Go Out Tonight?
Yes.
Have You Seen The Boy?
Yes, I Have.
How Ugly Is He?
Hey!
Hey.
How Are You?
Have A Sit-Down.
Vanessa: Stop Touching Me!
Theo: Get Out Of My Room!
Do You Want Me To Come Up There?
♪ No... ♪
I'm Denise's Father.
Is That Right?
Are You Looking At My Ear?
No, I Was Looking At The Earring In It.
Yeah, It's A Real Conversation Piece
For Some Older People.
I Got It In The Merchant Marines.
When You Cross The Equator, They Pierce Your Ear.
When You Cross Back, Will They Fill It In?
That's Good, Sir.
So When Do You Ship Out Again?
Oh, I'm Not In It Anymore.
No, I'm Back In School.
You're In Denise's Class?
No. Two Years Behind.
And You Don't Mind That?
Hey, After You've Been In A Turkish Prison
Everything Else Is Easy.
Denise!
(Talking To Herself)
There's Nobody There.
There's...
Denise!
A New Outfit For You, Daddy.
Happy? Happy.
I Don't Know If You Know It
But Your Date Is Wearing One Earring.
Yeah?
Yeah, Well, He Gave Me A Perfectly Good Explanation
But If You Want My Opinion
It's Because He Lost The Other One.
Bye, Daddy.
Denise?
Yeah.
Your Face.
Your Face? YourFace.
Only Half Of Your Face Is Made Up.
Will You Be Doing The Other Side
Or Walking Sideways All Night?
Good Night, Daddy.
Yes. Good Night.
You Know That He Spent A Year In A Turkish Prison.
I'm Supposed To Do Something Now.
Where...
Dad?
Hey!
All Right.
Dad, I Thought About What You Said
And I See Your Point.
Thank You.
But I Have A Point, Too.
Make Your Point.
You're A Doctor And Mom's A Lawyer.
You're Both Successful, And That's Great.
But Maybe I Was Born To Be A Regular Person
And Have A Regular Life.
If You Weren't A Doctor, I Wouldn't Love You Less
Because You're My Dad.
And So, Instead Of Acting Disappointed
Because I'm Not Like You
Maybe You Can Just Accept Who I Am
And Love Me, Anyway...
Because I'm Your Son.
Theo...
That's The Dumbest Thing I've Ever Heard In My Life!
No Wonder You Get D's In Everything.
Now, You Are Afraid To Try
Because You're Afraid That Your Brain Is Going To Explode
And Ooze Out Of Your Ears.
Now I'm Telling You
You Are Going To Try As Hard As You Can.
And You're Going To Do It Because I Said So!
I Am Your Father.
I Brought You In This World, And I'll Take You Out.
Now, Son, Come Here.
Now Listen To Me.
I Just Want You To Do The Best You Can.
That's All.
I'll Try, Dad, I Really Will.
I Love You.
Yeah, Dad. Huh?
I Know. Yeah.
And Maybe...
Your Mother Loves You, Too.
(Sigh)
I Was Beautiful Once-- Before The Children Came.
I Never Met A More Beautiful Woman.
Do You Think When They Grow Up I'll Be Beautiful Again?
You Are Beautiful Now.
I Just Hope They Get Out Of The House
Before We Die.
Mmm. Mmm.
Hmm.
Let's Just Remember
This Is How We Got The Children
In The First Place.
Right.
Oh, Shucks.
(Knocking)
Cliff: Who Is It?
No, No.
When I Say, "Who Is It?"
It Doesn't Mean For You To Come In.
When I Say, "Who Is It?"
You Say Who It Is.
(Knocking)
Who Is It?
Vanessa: Who It Is!
Come In.
Mom, Dad, We Can't Sleep
Because Rudy Thinks She Heard The Wolf Man Growling In Our Closet.
I Told Her There Wasn't Such A Thing
But She Doesn't Believe Me.
There's No Wolf Man Growling In Your Closet.
Uh-Huh.
There Is No Wolf Man Growling In Your Closet.
Uh-Huh.
Anybody Got Any Other Bright Ideas?
Maybe You Should Sleep With Us Tonight.
If You Really Want Us To.
Oh.
(Giggling)
Good Night, Darling.
Good Night. Good Night. Good Night.