她是你所见过最年轻的 She is not just the youngest COO you've ever had,
最优秀的首席运营官 but the very best.
女士们先生们 欢迎Lauren Harris Ladies and gentlemen, Lauren Harris.
谢谢 Thank you.
我靠 Aw, shit.
-妈 这边请 -快进来 - Mom? There you go. - Hey!
妈 来见见Candace Mom, I would like you to meet Candace.
你好 Hi!
Michael的状况出现在周三 For Michael, the bomb dropped on Wednesday.
我对您早有耳闻了 I've heard so much about you.
我对你还一无所知呢 Well, I've heard nothing about you!
我们昨天吃晚饭时候还说起她呢 We just talked about her last night at dinner.
你怎么... What are you...
-我忘了 -妈 你为啥... - Well, I don't remember. - Mom, why are you...
就是忘了呗 I don't remember.
你家真漂亮 棒极了 It's beautiful, your home. Just gorgeous. It's great.
看啊 Oh, wow, look! Look at this,
我有个一模一样的 镶着我儿子的照片 I have this exact same frame for my son!
想起来了 你就是那个单亲妈妈 Oh, that's right, you're the one with the child.
那我问问你 亲爱的 Now let me ask you, sweetie,
你和我家Michael约会 what does your baby's daddy think about
孩子他爸会怎么想 you dating my Michael?
还是他蹲监狱了 Or is he incarcerated?
我也不知道你们这些人怎么混日子的 You know, how you people run around, I don't know.
蹲监狱 没有 你怎么这样想 Incarcerated? No, why would you...
Candace 想不想参观一下我家 Candace, would you like a tour of the house?
就是 怎么不带Tandace参观一下呢 Yeah, why don't we give Tandace a tour of the house?
是Candace 我叫Candace Candace. It is Candace.
Tan...Tandace Tan... Tandace?
我叫...Candace 开头是... It's... Candace, with a...
我保证她真的很喜欢你 I can tell she really likes you.
来吧 参观参观 Come on, let's take a tour.
走吧 我们去看看 Now come on, let's take a look.
走吧 Just come on.
能看出照片背后的故事吗 Doesn't it tell a story?
我尽量记录下 I've tried to capture all
我和我的宝贝儿子共度的每个特殊时刻 the special moments with me and my baby boy.
但我敢打赌 I bet you don't remember
你肯定不记得我什么时候送你的那个手镯 when I got you that bracelet, though.
去巴黎城郊的时候 Outside of Paris,
在一家卖小首饰的的小店 this little shop with the cute little jewelry.
记得你打开盒子时的表情吗 Remember that look on your face when you opened up that box?
当然记得咯 Yeah, I know, I know.
我以为我们是在米兰呢 I thought we were in Milan.
不是 我们刚从餐厅出来... No, we'd come from that restaurant...
宝贝 这是我的房间 Oh, baby, you're in my room.
这可是奇迹发生的地方 姑娘 It's where all the magic happens, girl.
怎么样 What do you think?
好像时光机 It's like a time capsule.
这里的一切都保持着原样 Oh, I keep everything the same for him,
好让他在这过夜 for when he sleeps over.
你在这儿过夜 You sleep over?
只有周日晚上 宝贝 没什么的 Just on Sunday nights, baby. It's nothing.
周日晚上是专属于他妈妈的 And Sunday nights have always been reserved for his mother.
以后也会这样 And they always will be.
我会做他最爱吃的 饭后我们玩拉米牌 I make his favorite food, and then we play rummy.
妈妈的拉米牌玩的最好了 Mom is the best rummy player right here.
小小拉米牌... A chiky-chiky rummy-rummy...
来呀 Come on.
不要啦 I'm not gonna do it,
别当着Candace的面出丑啦 not in front of Candace.
我帮你洗衣服去了 Well, let me get your laundry.
洗衣服 Laundry?
我来帮你吧 妈 我袜子不够了 Let me help you with that, Mom. I need some more socks, Mom.
真臭 They stink!
我不会嫌弃你的臭袜子的 But you know, I don't mind the stinking.
大不了多洗几回 I just gotta scrub them a little more.
洗呀洗呀洗澡澡 Michael宝贝洗澡澡 Scrubba-dub-dub. Baby Michael in the tub!
奶嘴男
十分依赖母亲
不愿长大
没有竞争力
靠 Shit.
Zeke的状况出现在周四 For Zeke, the cookie crumbled on Thursday.
时间还早 想干嘛 So, the night is young. What do you wanna do?
这是我们第五次约会 对吧 Well, it is our fifth date, right?
是吗 不知道 我没数 It is? I don't know, I lost count.
别装傻了 Did you really?
那上来喝一杯 So, nightcap?
好啊 Okay.
走吧 Yeah.
房子有点小 So it's kind of small,
但我喜欢它的落地窗 but I really got it for the French windows
离公司也不远 and 'cause it's close to work.
那么... So...
你太迷人了 Stunning.
也许我们还需要酝酿一下 Yeah, maybe we should get more comfortable.
没错 Yeah.
-对吧 -没错 - Yeah. - Yeah.
我来放点音乐 I'm gonna put on some music.
或者 Or you know what?
你过去自己选就更好了 Better yet, maybe you should go ahead and choose.
不错嘛 Cool.
你还用唱机 That vinyl?
是啊 我有点信奉纯粹主义 Yeah, I'm a bit of a purist.
-我去去就来 -去吧 - I'll be right back. - Okay.
别走啊 Don't leave. I mean...
别离开这儿 Don't leave.
-我不会走的 -好 那我去了 - I won't leave. - Okay. All right.
好一个纯粹主义 Wow. You really are a purist.
从哪弄的这张黑胶唱片啊 How the hell did you get this on vinyl?
不是吧 No.
你喝什么样的咖啡 So, how do you take your coffee?
看到没 Zeke知道自己想多了 See, Zeke found out the hard way that sometimes,
有时候 喝一杯就仅仅代表着喝一杯 a nightcap means just that, a nightcap.
加三勺杰克威士忌 Three shots of Jack.
笨蛋 You're so silly.
你来了 Yo!
Ced 你这次又是缺什么了 Oh, Ced, what you run outta this time?
我没牛奶了 I ain't had no milk.
我问你一个严肃的问题 Hey, let me ask you a serious question.
Idris Elba 英国著名演员
我长得像Idris Elba吗 You think I look like Idris Elba?
新开的Sweaty Crack夜店的脱衣舞娘 'Cause the stripper down at the new club Sweaty Crack
昨晚说我长得像他 told me that last night,
但是我拿着不少钱 but I had a lot of ones in my hand,
所以我怕她是在玩我 so I don't know if she was trying to play me or not.
用不着回答 当我没说 Don't even answer. Don't worry about it.
听着这话 我心里舒服 'Cause it made me feel good when she said it.
看上去某人在姑娘家留宿了 进展如何 All right, looks like somebody got invited in. How'd it go?
我们喝了咖啡 We had coffee.
-还有呢 -吃了米兰薄荷甜饼 - And? - Mint Milano Cookies.
还有呢 And?
就聊天啊 And we talked
聊童年 聊艺术 聊音乐 and we talked about our childhoods and art and music,
还聊了柏拉图的洞穴预言 and Plato's Allegory of the Cave.
柏拉图洞穴预言是啥啊 What is Plato's Allegory of the Cave?
这可够深刻的 It's actually very profound.
和Don Magic Juan主教 On par with Bishop Don Magic Juan
书中讲的男妓与街头智慧有得一拼 book of pimp knowledge and street wisdom,
写得很有意思 which is a very good read.
约会了五次 只搞到一杯咖啡 Five dates and all I get is a cup of coffee.
她啥意思啊 What is wrong with her?
她没什么啊 你倒是怎么了 Ain't nothing wrong with her. What's wrong with you?
像个饥渴的黑鬼小白脸 Looks like the old Negro Gigolo is losing his flow.
我在谈一场没有性生活的恋爱 I'm in a relationship without sex,
可我只想要个炮友 when all I'm really trying to get is sex without a relationship.
你们下次什么时候见面 So, when you gonna see her again?
周六晚上 黑鬼 少管闲事 Saturday night, nigga. Mind your business.
干得好 Nice job.
对了 Zeke 你上楼看下马桶 Hey, Zeke, when you go upstairs, you gonna look in the toilet,
好像堵了 我也不太确定 it's gonna appear to be stopped up, I don't know for sure.
我也不知道马桶搋子在哪 I just didn't know where the plunger was,
看见之后别吓着 so don't be caught off guard when you see it.
量有点大 There's a lot.
-我们一整夜没睡 -然后呢 - So we stayed up all night. - Okay.
我们聊了很多 And we talked about everything.
你没越界呗 Did you keep the cookie in the cookie jar?
-当然 -不错嘛 - But of course. - Nice.
我不骗你 但真的不难 I'm not gonna lie, though, and say that it was easy.
不知道怎么 他吻我的感觉就像做爱 I don't know, when he kissed me, it was like sex.
对了 谢谢你帮我选内衣 So, yeah, thank you for your advice on the undies.
你穿了哪件 Which ones did you wear?
-老土的 -大妈型内衣吗 - The granny ones. - The grandma drawers?
我说了 穿难看的内衣会控制你的欲望 I told you the ugly panty trick would work.
-你还不信 -果然管用 - You wasn't trying to listen now. - And it worked.
现在你把理论付诸实践了 Now that it's not just a theory,
你真能坚持90天吗 do you really think you can last 90 days?
Monique Monique!
我叫Mya It's Mya!
给我打电话 Call me!
我叫Mya 混蛋 It's Mya, asshole!
当然 我一定还能坚持74天 Yeah. Yeah, I think I can definitely do 74 more days.
好吧 Monique Okay, Monique.
-我不跟他约会了 -为什么 - I'm canceling the date. - Why?
他是个兼职服务员 He's a part-time waiter.
要我提醒你吗 拜金小姐 May I remind you, Miss Thing,
我们一起在橄榄园酒店当过两年服务员 that we were both waitresses for two years at Olive Garden?
Candace 那时候我们在上大学 Candace, we were in college.
我说的是成年人 I'm talking about a grown-ass man,
他承认了 who admitted that
追我用的奔驰是帮客人停的 he was valet-parking the Benz he chased me down in.
这也是一种浪漫 It's kind of romantic.
是一种悲哀吧 It's kind of pathetic.
我以为你不在乎他挣多少钱呢 I thought you didn't care about how much he made.
我以为你相信他的梦想 I thought you believed in his dreams.
-但不能是白日梦好吧 -好啦 - But not his pipe dreams. Come on! - Okay, fine.
第一次遇到一个把你捧在手心里的男人 Dump the first guy who puts you before anything else
就因为他挣不到六位数的工资要甩了他 because he doesn't make six figures.
拜托 他连四位数都挣不上 Please, he doesn't even make four.
我不能把时间投在 And I can't invest that kind of time in something
不能给我带来任何实质收益的人身上 that I know won't yield tangible dividends.
你了解自己内心的想法吗 Would you listen to yourself?
Dominic是一个人啊 Lauren Dominic is a person, Lauren,
不是股票投资 not a stock portfolio.
就像Steve Harvey说的 Like Steve Harvey says,
天下没有完美的男人 there's no such thing as the perfect man.
你应该有所妥协 又没什么损失 You have to compromise on something. What do you have to lose?
我的青春 My youth.
等下 她就这么把你甩了 So, wait. She just canceled on you?
正要呢 然后就被她老板给打断了 She was about to. Then she got interrupted by her boss.
-全毁了 -你知道么 - It's messed up. - You know what?
谁稀罕她那些虚无缥缈的讲演 Who needs her whole fancy presentation
和她的董事会 and her board of directors?
我兢兢业业挣钱 交税 I make an honest living and I pay my taxes.
大多数时候都交 Most of the time.
我跟你讲 Dom 我赞成你 Let me tell you something, Dom. I agree with you.
我也是个美国人 我理解你的处境 哥们 I'm an American, too, and I agree with your plight, brother.
我也赞成 I second that.
我们都是你的后盾 Yeah, we got your back.
-Mike 你怎么样 -怎么了 - What's good with you, Mike? - What up?
Candace和你妈之间相处的如何 So, how did it go between Candace and your mom?
她们... It was...
我也放缓了和Michael的进度 I'm slowing things down with Michael.
为什么 Why?
他的生活中已经有个女人了 He already has a woman in his life.
混蛋 那女的是谁 Oh, that son of a bitch. Who is it?
-他妈 -什么 - His mama. - What?
恶心 可真恶心 Ill, ill.
我妈觉得她很不错 My mom thinks she's nice.
没错 你妈从没觉得哪个女人够好 Yeah, right. No woman has ever been good enough for your mom.
她头一回说满意的能是个单亲妈妈吗 You think the first one she gonna root for is the baby mama?
-祝你好运吧 -你听 - Good luck with that. - Listen to this.
我们能改日去海滩吗 "Could we reschedule beach day?
我答应带我妈去参加合唱排练 I promised to take my mom to choir practice."
我不会再这样对自己 I can't do that to myself again,
也不会这样对Duke and I won't do that to Duke.
我们都需要一个能拿主意的男人 We both deserve a man who's all in.
那就设定你的标准吧 Well, then set your standards.
天啊 真不敢相信 Oh, my God, I can't believe
我竟然引用了那本弱智书中的话 I'm quoting anything from that silly little book.
你告诉Michael You tell Michael that
你不想当他和他妈的电灯泡 you don't want to come in between him and his mother
如果他想继续和你谈 and that if he wants to continue dating you,
就得把你放在首位 then you must be a priority in his life.
他一直都受他妈掌控 我无力竞争 She's had him his whole life. I can't compete with that.
那么就和你三年来遇到的 Well, then dump the first man you've met in three years
第一个真正关心你和Duke的男人分手吧 that genuinely cares about you and Duke.
怎么说的来着 世界上没有完美的男人 Wait a minute, there's no such thing as a perfect man, right?
你能有什么损失 What do you have to lose?
这不是你灌输我一晚上的道理吗 Isn't that what you've been preaching to me all night?
好吧 Okay.
你继续谈我就继续谈 I will if you will.
这是最黑暗的时刻了 It was the darkest hour.
男人们被全线击溃 The guys were under a full-scale attack.
但是他们全线反攻的时候到了 But everything changed on D-Day.
跟我讲讲 Okay, tell me something.
正式成为自由身 感觉如何 How does it feel to officially be a free man?
棒极了 听着 Great. Okay, listen,
-我可以为所欲为 -还有呢 - I can do whatever I want, - Okay.
没有时间限制 爱找谁就找谁 whenever I want, with whoever I want.
还有呢 Okay.
我摆脱了专利的妻子 I'm free from all the "Tie-ranny".
-是专横吧 -Bennett 你能不能闭嘴 - It's "Tyranny". - Will you shut up, Bennett?
让他把话说完 Let him finish what he's saying!
我就是给你纠正下语法 I just want you to have proper grammar.
好啦 我从所有的专横和压制中解脱了 All right! I'm free from all the tyranny and oppression.
永远摆脱了女人的唠叨 知道不 And nagging from all women for good. You hear me?
说实话 我今晚就想和一个女人说话 Matter of fact, only woman I want to talk to tonight
就是Ass Factory的脱衣舞女 is dancing butt-naked down at the Ass Factory.
Sweaty Crack怎么了 What happened to the Sweaty Crack?
-关门了 有卫生隐患 -听说了 - They got shut down. Health-code violations. - Heard about that.
但实际上 我更喜欢Ass Factory But here's the thing, I like the Ass Factory better,
因为那儿的妹子啥都不穿 'cause the girls down there are nasty.
正合我的口味 But they're my kind of nasty.
Ced Ced Ced! Ced.
别对我评头论足 Don't judge me!
我可是离着婚呢 明白不 I'm going through a divorce, homie.
哥们 Lauren明天要和我见面 Hey, yo, Lauren confirmed our date tomorrow.
我还以为你和Lauren分手了呢 I thought you and that Lauren was done.
你怎么老搀和我的事 Why you all in the man's business?
我以为我男人说他和Lauren分手了 I thought my man said he was done with Lauren.
你这个欠收拾的 You are whipped!
他还不如Mike呢 He's worse than Mike.
省省吧 什么叫“他还不如Mike” Chill with that "Worse than Mike."
-想听个好故事吗 -不 - You wanna hear a good story? - No.
Ced 讲讲你为Gail保留的那个晚上吧 Ced, tell them about the night you saved it with Gail.
我用酒瓶子砸烂你的脸 I'll take this goddamn bottle and knock your face off,
别再跟我提Gail you bring Gail up again.
我不想谈Gail I don't wanna talk about Gail!
我只想谈双峰和翘臀 All I want to talk about is titties and ass!
是Candace 我要不要接 Yo, it's Candace. Should I take it?
别接 把电话给我 别重色轻友 No, man! Here, give me the phone. Bros before hos.
喂 Candace 怎么了 Hello. Candace. Hey, what's up, girl?
-Michael -我正想着你呢 - Michael. - I was just thinking 'bout you.
我以为是语音信箱 No, hi, I thought I'd get your voicemail.
不 是我 宝贝 No, you got me, baby.
听着 Michael Listen, Michael.
我们得谈谈 We need to talk.
姑娘们 这五个无情的字威胁性是最强的 Ladies, few words are more menacing than the dreaded four,
我们得谈谈 "We need to talk".
这可能有两种情况 Now, that means one of two things,
很可能是我们男人犯错了 that we did something wrong
或者是你仅仅是想谈谈而已 or, you, literally, want to talk.
-她想谈谈 -又出新招了 - She wants to talk. - That's a new one.
情况不妙啊 哥们 That's bad, dude.
好啊 我希望她谈得你死去活来 Good! I hope she talk your damn head off.
一个女人说想谈谈 难道不是好现象吗 Is it ever a good sign when a woman wants to talk?
不 在我这可不是这么回事 No. Not in my house anymore.
Kris过去幽默又冷酷 Kris used to be fun and chill,
如今她成天咄咄逼人的 and now she's just in my face all the time,
没完没了的唠叨 说什么 nagging, harping, like,
你短期的目标是什么啊 "What are your short-term goals?
你长期的目标是什么啊 What are your long-term goals?
Jeremy 你怎么看待恋爱关系的啊 Jeremy, what's your view on relationships?"
就好像我在玩使命召唤游戏一样 Like, I'm in the middle of a game of Call of Duty.
等等 你刚才说什么 Whoa, whoa, whoa, run that back. What did you just say?
什么 长期目标 短期... What, the long-term goals, short...
拜托 别让我重复 Please, don't make me repeat.
真诡异 你知道吗 Yes, that's crazy. You know what?
我和Candace第一次约会时 Candace asked me those exact same questions
她问了我完全一样的问题 on our first date.
Mya也问我了 Mya asked me the same thing.
Lauren也是 So did Lauren.
你们知道谁问我了吗 You know what? You know who asked me that question?
从来没有 舞女才不会问我呢 Not a goddamn soul! 'Cause strippers don't ask me shit!
听着 还有一次她跟我说 Listen to what she said to me the other day.
我不是你的竞赛鱼 She said, "I'm not your sports fish."
竞赛鱼是什么 What is a sports fish?
用来撑门面的妹子 A trophy girl.
你拿她在哥们面前炫耀 You show her off to your buddies.
Bennett 你们到底在说什么呢 What the hell are you talking about, Bennett?
我看Oprah脱口秀 I was watching Oprah.
-看这个干吗 -我喜欢Oprah - Why are you watching Oprah? - I like Oprah.
哥们 你应该说 拒绝搞基 Man, you gotta say "No homo"
在我的离婚派对上说这种屁话 When you say shit like that at a divorce party.
她有一期的嘉宾是Steve Harvey She had Steve Harvey on the show.
他为女人写了本书 是关于男人的 He wrote some book. It's for women, but it's about men.
家庭问答的那个Steve Harvey吗 Family Feud Steve Harvey?
我听说过 I heard something about that.
他就这么把我们卖了 He threw us under the bus like that?
这可不好 我不会这么做的 That's uncouth. I wouldn't do that.
我本来觉得Steve Harvey挺不错 I thought Steve Harvey was kind of my nigga,
但怎么... but...
-我也是 -什么 - Me, too. - What?
-什么你也是 -我什么都没说 - You, too, what? - I didn't say anything.
告诉我他书里到底写了什么 Just tell me exactly what he says in the book.
一堆破烂玩意 A whole bunch of shit.
好吧 我的派对毁了 All right, this is why we're ruining my party.
就因为这点消息 'Cause of that information.
我上网查查 搜到篇评论 I got it online, here we go. I got a review...
我得读读这本书 I got to get my hands on that book.
可别现在读啊 No, you're not gonna do it now.
-你可说哥们比女人重要 -等一下 - You said bros before hos. - One second.
当然 你懂吗 你哥们我需要女人 Exactly! Guess what? Your bro need a ho!
告诉你们吧 我装了一兜一块钱 Let me tell you something, I got a pocket full of ones
可没穿内裤 and I ain't got no goddamn drawers on.
我今晚没穿内裤 I didn't wear no drawers tonight.
你们就应该当我的翅膀 Now y'all supposed to be my wing men.
来吧 自由的飞翔 Right now, fly with me!
和我一起庆祝吧 兄弟们 Celebrate, men! Get your...
自由飞翔吧 真该死 Fly with me, men! Goddamn it!
这可不好 This ain't good.
喂 我们要找一本书 Yes, hello, we're looking for a book called
《像男人一样思考 像女人一样做事》 Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.
哪都有卖 谢了 Everywhere? Thanks.
说是一周前就卖光了 Said they've been sold out for, like, a week.
-不错 -总不能所有地方都卖光了 - Good. - Can't be sold out everywhere.
易趣上都没有了 They don't even have it on eBay.
Oprah的号召力真大 It's the power of Oprah.
我发现了点什么 太棒了 I think I got something. Okay, cool.
San Pablo在哪 Where's San Pablo?
俄勒冈的边界 Border of Oregon.
那没辙了 That's not gonna work.
-我们尽力了 -喂 现在吗 - Looks like we tried. - Hello. Right now?
明天又是新的一天 到时候再说吧 Tomorrow is another day. We can tackle it then.
走吧 哥们 狂欢时间到 Let's go, men. Strip club time!
能把我捎到我妈家吗 Y'all take me to my mama house?
司机 往我家开行吗 Driver, can we go to my house?
我以为你说你会取消和你妈见面呢 I thought you said you was gonna cancel that with your mama.
Ced 你跟我妈取消见面试试 Have you ever tried canceling on my mom, Ced?
既然别人都不会说 I'm gonna say this
那我可要说了 Michael since don't nobody else wanna say it, Michael.
你试过异性恋吗 You ever try heterosexuality?
妈 Mom!
做了你最爱吃的 Got your favorite.
-真香 -不错吧 - Smelling good, too. - Look at that, huh?
给我块鸡肉 Let me get some chicken. Let me get some chicken!
好啦 还有洋葱 Stop. And the onions, you know
你知道我爱吃煎洋葱和玉米面包 you know I love the sauted onions, and the cornbread.
当然知道 I know.
我给你拿个盘子 先把这些收拾干净 I'm gonna get you a plate, but clear all this off, first.
好的 还有甘薯馅饼... All right, all right. And make sure that sweet potato pie...
知道啦 儿子 你只管收拾灶台吧 I will, little boy, you just clear the counter.
妈 这是什么 Mom, what is this?
是那个大头男孩写的书 That's that book by that big-head boy
参加什么家庭问答节目那个 that's on that Family Feud thing.
好像叫 像什么思考 像什么做事 Act Like something, Think Like something else.
图书会的新书 It's the new read for my book club.
每场战争都有转折点 Every war has its turning point.
南北战争的转折点事葛底斯堡战役 In the Civil War, it was the Battle of Gettysburg.
二战的转折点是诺曼底战役 World War II, it was the Invasion of Normandy.
这场战争的决定性转折点 The definitive turning point in this war
发生在那晚的Loretta家 was that night at Loretta's house.
就好像找到了圣杯一样 It was like finding the Holy Grail.
Jeremy 让车调头开到我这 Jeremy. Tell them to turn the bus around.
我们正在掌握主动权 The power had just shifted in our favor.
但我们还不知道 But we didn't know that yet.
为什么男人这样做 看看这个 兄弟们 "Why Men Do What They Do." Look at this, guys.
Steve Harvey是个叛徒 Steve Harvey is a traitor.
看 奶嘴男 第七章 说的就是你 Look, "Mama's Boys." Chapter 7. That's you.
我才不是奶嘴男 I'm not a Mama's Boy.
Jer 你不把我当奶嘴男的 对吧 Jer, you don't think I'm a Mama's Boy, do you?
-不会啊 -听这段 - Nah. - Listen to this.
男人尊重有准则的人 有点准则吧 "Men respect standards, get some."
我不希望我的女人有准则 I prefer my women not to have standards.
实际上 如果让我选 In fact, if I've got to choose,
我会选没准则的女人 I'm gonna choose the woman who has no standards.
还有 在男人达到目的 Hold up. "Until a man achieves his goals,
或者即将达到目的之前 or is on the road to,
你是不会成为他生活首位的 You will never be number one in his life."
看到没 这根本就是胡扯 See, that's not even true.
我什么都没得到 I've achieved absolutely nothing
但依然把我的女人放在第一位 and I still put my women first.
-真是恶心 -我告诉你 这是洗脑 - This is sick. - It's brainwashing, I'm telling you.
她在试图敦促我追求梦想 She's trying to push me towards my dreams
帮助我实现目标 and help me accomplish my goals.
她为什么要这样 Why would she do this?
胡扯 至少你还有点目标 Shit, at least you're getting some.
90天 这可不是试用 简直是死刑 Ninety days, that's not a probation, that's a death sentence.
我可要尝尝你的甘薯了 Hell, yeah, I want to taste your yams.
Mike 你妈多大了 Hey, Mike, how old is your mom?
什么 What?
不是 你想多了 No, not like that. No, it is.
是这样的 她多大了 It is like that. How old is she?
我进屋时 I come in the house,
她就说 你想尝尝吗 she's like, "You want to eat?"
我说 尝什么 I said, "Eat what?"
首先 你把我的盘子放下 Yo, first of all,
其次 不准调戏我妈 put my plate down and stop hitting on my mom, man.
别跟我发火 我还不想来呢 Don't get mad at me! I don't even wanna be here.
是你们这些家伙要来的 Y'all the ones that wanna be here,
我还想去夜店呢 I want to go to the strip club!
哥们 快点吧 我还有一堆一块钱呢 Man, wrap this up. I got a bunch of ones,
我得去分给别人啊 and somebody gonna get them.
Loretta太太 我要继续参观房间了 Ms. Loretta! I'm ready for the rest of the tour.
你们太纠结了 实话说 You guys are so screwed. And honestly,
你们无能为力 there's nothing you can do about it.
也许可以呢 Maybe we can.
她们拿到了我们的计划 They got our playbook, man.
知道我们所有的策略 They know all of our maneuvers.
但她们不知道 Yeah, but they don't know
我们发现了她们知道这些 that we know that they know our maneuvers.
你们这下知道 You see
我为什么不和Jeremy单独出去了吧 why I don't hang out with Jeremy by himself?
我从来搞不懂他在说些什么 I don't ever know what he's talking about.
兄弟们 Guys!
爱国者队 新英格兰橄榄球队
这和爱国者队的Bill Belichick It's like the Patriots,
喷气机队 纽约橄榄球队
盗取喷气机队的战略一样 when Bill Belichick stole the Jets' plays.
没错 但他们身败名裂 Right, and they got busted.
可他们赢了比赛 Yeah, but they won the game.
超级碗 美式橄榄球（NFL）冠军总决赛
他们可是一路杀到了超级碗决赛 And where'd they end up? The Super Bowl.
我真希望能明白你在说些什么 I wish I knew what you was talking about.
我们用Steve Harvey的桥段来反击女人 We use Steve Harvey's words against them.
我们假装提供她们想要的东西 We pretend to give them what they want
这样就能得到我们想要的 so we get what we want.
我们向她们撒谎 We lie to them.
必须的 这是战争啊 兄弟们 Exactly. This is war, gentlemen.
没有原则的 There are no rules.
就像伟大的Khan所说的那样 Like the great Khan once said,
我不是指成吉思汗 not Genghis,
我说的是《星级迷航2》中的那个拉丁人 I'm talking about the Latin guy from Star Trek II.
君子报仇十年不晚 "Revenge is a dish best served cold."
Michael 有些话我一直想对你说 Michael, I need to get something off my chest.
在你说之前 You know what? Before you get something off your chest,
我也有话要对你说 I gotta get something off my chest.
你知道我可能有点像个奶嘴男 You know I can be a bit of a Mama's Boy?
我父亲去世之后才这样的 I think it really all started when my dad died.
那对我们来说 是一段艰苦的日子 It was a rough time for us, you know?
我妈开始越来越依赖我 And my mom just started relying on me for so many things.
甚至依赖得有点过分 Too many things.
我在很小时就必须当家 You know, I had to be the man of the house at a really young age
可能因此我们才会这样亲密 and I guess maybe that's why we're so close.
Michael Michael.
我想说的是 And I guess, I guess what I'm trying to say is this.
我想要你成为我生命中第一位的女人 I want you to be the number one woman in my life.
这就像一场考试 但答案你已经知道了 It was like taking a test you already had the answers to.
你才是我最重要的女人 You're my priority,
好吗 Candace Candace. All right?
好 Yeah.
我说完了 你刚才想说什么 All right. Now, you said you wanted to talk about something.
我有要说什么吗 Did I?
女人们失去了主动权 The women had no chance.
成了我们手中的提线木偶 They were like putty in our hands.
我重新做了简历 So, I just updated my resume,
发给了Neversoft and sent it off to Neversoft.
真的吗 Really?
你说真的 You're serious?
我看好了《广告周刊》上的一条招聘信息 I was intrigued by a job posting I saw in Adweek
我想 为什么不试试呢 Jeremy and I thought, "Why not go for it, Jeremy?
你也不怕失去什么 You have nothing else to lose."
亲爱的 太棒了 我为你骄傲 Baby, that's awesome, that's wonderful. I'm so proud of you.
-天啊 -别这么激动行吗 - Oh, my God. - Don't get too excited, okay?
就是碰碰运气 也许根本没戏 It's just a feeler. Probably won't even call me in.
不是 你低估自己了 No, you're selling yourself short.
Jeremy 在Parsons上学时 Jeremy, you were the best
你是班级第一 in your class at Parsons,
你是个出色的设计师 you're a brilliant designer.
不 你是个出色的艺术家 No. You're a brilliant artist.
聘用你是他们走运 They'd be lucky to have you.