God damnit.
You are watching Eggland's very own WEGG News
with Jerry Majors and Cheryl Rhodes.
This is Eggland's, WEGG Mid-Morning News.
Our top story. Day 27
of the child dirt bike attack on Eggland
residents were once again awakened early this morning.
That Bastard Dirt bike woke me up this morning
Written by an I didn't hear a thing.
We now go live to Robin Jacobson.
Agland Security Forces got a nine one one call at 6:00 AM
about what one resident called
a beacon sound coming from the street.
Yeah, There's a running some kind
of loud bicycle out there and I need you to hurry.
It's giving me a headache.
Where's the butter? Eglin
Security next time.
Use your eyes.
Today We're employing all of Lin's least lethal weapons
to bring the dirt bike child to justice.
This might be the most beautiful painted rock in
all of North America.
We're out of milk. A police officer
who died tragically
of natural causes while sitting in his squad car
during his lunch break will be memorialized
by local officials.
Authorities at the General Stanley Crystal International
Airport have announced they replace his skull on display.
The skull was cleaned and bleached by Gary O.
Retired ER engineer turned phone artist.
Hey mom and dad. James my very tall son.
What's new in your young life?
Oh, not much. I was just in the neighborhood dropping off
a Honk plus client and thought I'd pop in and say hello.
My hard worker. You're still picking up Hitchhiker?
Not quite. Honk Plus is a mobile app on my phone
that matches passengers with drivers of vehicles
for hire like myself. It's a win-win.
Getting paid to drive a car. Very smart.
So you let strangers in your car?
Well, not really. The app calls them honkers.
I wish you'd get some kind of job before we pass away.
Okay, well I just wanted
to wish you guys a happy anniversary.
I got you a little something to show my appreciation
of your marriage
Anniversary.
What the hell are you talking about?
Our anniversary's Friday
And TGIF Dad, because today is Friday. LOL
God Damnit. Today
is Wednesday, not Friday
Maybe he's right.
James has always been so good at reading calendars.
He's divorced. What does he know?
I'm serious, dad. It says on my sat
smartwatch that it's Friday.
Oh, the Chinese piece of crap is wrong.
And you're spending your money on
that when you owe me $15,000 on that crushed sandwich truck
Idea. It's called
a panini Robert. Mm. And it wasn't his fault.
The cartels set his truck on fire. Father look.
Hmm. I guess we lost track of
what day it is when you're retired.
One day just flows into another, I guess.
No worries. Happy anniversary. Robert.
You too. Oh, hello? Hello? Hello.
Your prescription. Oh good Lord. It's that robot.
Stop for Elizabeth. I want to talk to a human.
I can't get there today.
I will pick it up tomorrow. Could you put
On your I'm going golfing Location,
Please. Have a good day, dad.
Human cheers. Stop. Put a human on the phone.
I just grab a handful of peanuts
and that holds me over till dinner.
Now. I always got a bag of peanuts on me.
Pretty soon you're gonna have
to start calling me Raymond the elephant.
Uh, yeah. Ooh.
Oh, this food Talk's got me craving some protein.
Mm Mm
Oh, I don't care what anyone says.
Ham is better than vegetable. Mm-Hmm.
Sorry I'm late fellas. You're the child at Steak
And Shake. You
can eat the malted steak
and shake on Atkins because it's just dairy.
You want some ham? Marty?
You know who loved Ham? Donnie Sickey.
He was a food logistics officer at Fort Benning.
Six foot 6, 340 pounds. Big Fuffing hands.
Donnie had eat ham off the bone like it was a Turkey leg.
At any rate, he got crushed
by a shipping container in a war game in 94.
He was a real hero.
Oh, you guys know my son's a hero now. Yeah.
He lost 70 pounds drinking shakes.
He got a metal from Nutrisystem Show
Sun Photo.
Enough screeching. Let's golf. Oh,
Me, me, me, me, me, me
Is that criminal dirt bike Boy,
why can't children behave more like Charlie Brown?
S**t, That's right.
I've gotta get Elizabeth an anniversary gift.
Get her a hundred dollars in
singles and put it in a shoebox.
The widower's joy. My good friends.
I never have to worry about remembering an anniversary.
I know she likes rocks. Females love gold.
Oh, Gotta get her something.
Four weeks. Tuesday it will be eight years
since Diane died.
From that brain aneurysm she was watching.
The World is Not Enough Star in James Bond.
A blood vessel just popped in her head.
Peaches. I forgot
to tee up a ball. Are you kidding me?
Where the hell is I playing?
Personally? I like the dirt bike boy. Really? Yes.
One less child playing on a computer.
One step closer to children riding horses again.
Oh, now that's a wonderful idea.
Thousands of children on horseback on the freeway.
You know, I love the sound of horses hooves.
Ugh. Anything is better than my TV running
the commercials too loud.
Not to mention my big scab hurts and plus I'm suing my son.
Hey, is that milk?
Yeah. I have a coupon from coupon force.net,
but it's for chocolate milk.
So I'm not sure it's an anniversary present for Robert.
I could never make love to one
person for the rest of my life.
Have you noticed how high milk prices are there?
May as well be silver in it.
The price on my hair treatment at the
salon has gone up too.
It used to be 3 29 a gallon and now it's 3 49.
But milk shouldn't be more than 75 cents.
The hairdresser tried
to tell me highlights were not covered by my insurance.
That's a lie. But I have no choice
but to keep going to that salon.
They're the only ones who do my hair right.
You make all these politically correct milks now kids
don't even drink milk anymore.
I stopped teaching milk studies in school.
My hairdresser says young people are getting their hair
cut shorter and shorter now.
Schools are just a bunch of bald kids running around.
The body needs milk. Blood is made of milk
Now that Mark Cuban has a good haircut.
Mm.
We just have golf products, sir.
Hmm? You sure you don't have rocks for a wife?
No. We have custom golf tees,
but those will take two weeks to order.
I'm sorry sir.
G*****n f*****g anniversary. She has to have a gift.
Why can't we just shake hands? I'm tired of this horse s**t.
Oh God.
We walk too much today.
Eat grass fed beef. Flush the toxins.
Everyone has over 40 pounds of toxins in their colon.
Oh look Lily. Everyone here comes s**t for brains.
Why do we always get this same SOV If he messes up my
order, I'm gonna knock his ass off.
No bun, please.
Hi gentlemen. Uh, I got the buffalo burger.
No bun here. Side of sausage.
Hey, that's me. No bun right here.
Alright. T-bone steak. Three baked potatoes. Could
You remember to bring my extra soup?
Bowl of gravy? I bet you didn't, did you?
Oh, no sir, I remembered. Um, there you are.
And last but not least, I got the Roast Beef Bacon Club
with a side of our house sweet potato cloths.
Okay, here you go. All right. Um, enjoy your meal
This weekend.
Me and my son-in-law, going
to a private fenced in hunting ground
lets us hunt from a helicopter with 50 caliber machine guns.
It's going to be awesome. What are you guys hunting? Horses.
Goats ferrets. Chickens caribou.
God dammit. Where?
What, what's the problem, sir? I,
I'll tell you what the problem is.
You lousy bastards as switch the ketchup from Heinz
to this chief watery hunch. S**t.
Yeah, I'm, I'm not aware of it.
I can't eat hunts. I'll get a f*****g Coldsore.
Gentlemen. Is there a problem?
This little piece of s**t tried to poison me with hunts
on my anniversary.
He hates me and I'm
A veteran. Yeah,
I wasn't try, I didn't,
I didn't. Never coming
back here. Right
There. No, no, no. Please, please
let me comp your meal
and I'll give you a complimentary
Malibu brownie mudslide for the table
With extra caramel sauce.
Of course. And again, please accept my apology, sir.
Oh, crazy. That's a home run.
Nevermind.
That's it. I think we have a winner.
Oh. Oh Lord.
Let me see.
That's cute. These cards are better than 90% of
that crap on tv.
Oh yeah. And what about the car commercials?
Just shoving those
non-traditional families down your throat.
My email said there's gonna be a baby shortage by 2025.
The baby shortage is operation clean slate
by the Chinese CIA.
Well, I think war with China is inevitable.
I'm just so glad that James won't be eligible to fight
because he is a former small business owner. I'm
Glad I'm almost dead.
Sip 54. Hmm.
I only allow myself 100 sips of soda a day.
If I go one over my big toe will pop off my foot.
Hmm. Hey look.
Hey, ask why next time you disrespect us like that?
I'm gonna drop a cannon ball on your foot. What?
I'm gonna knock your ass off. All right. Jesus.
Oh, chicken feathers.
Oh, if I take too many sips of the row, I get chest pain.
Yes. In the carbonation. Oh,
At the three.
I can't get there today. I will pick it up tomorrow.
Can you could put on,
could you put on your human man human press one stop.
I said 56. Ooh. The
Pill will counteract the pain from the soda.
Yeah. She wants bills.
Oh, excuse me. What happened to all the checkout lines?
They're closed, ma'am.
Oh, but I wanted to talk to a cashier. It's my anniversary.
Sorry. But you'll have to use a self-checkout register.
Oh, okay. Technology.
It won't stand my, you know, this reminds me, uh,
when I was about your age
and these countertop bread makers had just
reached the market, excuse
Me. It won't scan
my Sunday cups.
Excuse me, ma'am. Okay. Right.
Guess I'll just give this a go.
Alright. I'm gonna try my best.
Please scan your first item. Okay. Okay.
Please scan your first item.
Yeah. This is so much easier than talking to a cashier.
Please scan your first item.
Excuse me. I already did. This is ridiculous.
I I really just wanna talk
to somebody about the royal family.
Please scan your first item, please. I, I wanna chit chat.
Please scan your first item. Wanna chat about
what it would be like to have a Thanksgiving
at f*****g a palace.
Which by the way I think would be very nice.
There was a USA royal family.
Also, I have a coupon for the milk. Is everything okay?
Ma'am? This thing hates me. What is happening to this world?
Nothing makes sense.
You know nobody eats dinner as a family anymore.
I'm very sorry ma'am. Just entering my employee's home.
Stand back.
Jesus Christ. You can't do that.
Check the law babe.
I just put this machine under citizen's execution.
Elizabeth, take the milk home.
Hello sir. How can I help you today?
Give me Elizabeth's pills.
Alright sir, I'm just gonna need the last name.
My wife's pills,
National tourism weekend.
Hey mom and dad, good news.
Just wanted to call and let you know I'm steps closer
to repaying the 15 K loan.
Soon I have a new line of funding
for my Southwestern photo art magazine.
Woohoo. My girlfriend's father is going
to an angel investment of two $50.
All I have to do is clear some brush from the back country
on his ranch and you'll be paid in no time anyway. Love you
For all the to combined in loose soil.
Our top story. Tonight,
the dirt bike boy has finally been captured.
11-year-old Nathan Ash Tank is in custody
after a violent clash with Eggland Security Forces
local resident Marjorie Elliot spotted the illegal child
on Blueberry Road.
Mrs. Elliot will be given the Eggland medal of security
and the ceremony will be
Happy anniversary.
Honey.
German Heritage Pavilion you remembered.
Happy anniversary sweetheart.
Oh, milk. Yeah.
I love you.
I love you too. 47 years.
The boy has been Six months at
Paul Rimmer Child Camp and will have his Dirt Bike Inc.
A new study shows that heated fridge door handles can
increase your life expectancy.
Six months.