This programme contains some strong language and adult humour from the start
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# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la. #
You ever dip your biscuit in your tea and it breaks? Do you ever do that?
Do you ever...? I swear to God now, you never get used to that.
As you get older, and you dip your biscuit...
Cos you don't know when it's going to fall.
And you panic.
When it... It's like out of body...
It's like slow-motion. Mu-u-u-u-m!
Get a spo-o-o-o-n!
Me biscuit's fallen in me bre-e-e-w!
Hurry up! It's sinkin-n-n-g!
Argh!
Bastard!
Burned me finger-s-s-s!
Hurry up!
You're too la-a-a-ate! It's su-u-u-unk!
Rich Tea are bad for that. Rich Tea are the worst ones.
They should be called fucking One Dips, Rich Tea!
That's all you get, one dip! You have to be like lightning.
They're the worst ones, Rich Tea.
You have to get four together to get a good chance of getting a dip in.
They've no backbone. I'm willing them... Have a bit of backbone!
Come on! "I can't, it's too hot! It's too hot!
"It's too hot!"
You're a biscuit! It's your job!
People stop at nothing to get on television now, hence Embarrassing Bodies.
Oh, my God! What's going on with that programme?!
They're not embarrassed about their bodies at all. If you're embarrassed, you don't
climb in the back of a truck in Leeds and drop your drawers. What's going on there?!
Have some self-respect!
Talking about scraping the barrel, we're through to the wood!
See Jack the other week with the hairy back? What were all that about? Like a werewolf.
"I've had this condition. I've had it for about six years now.
"I just don't know what else to do. I can't cope any more.
"Everyone's laughing at me.
"Every time I lift my breasts up, they fart."
Well, you want to get your jugs out on national television, flower. That's your best bet.
That'll solve a million problems, that will.
See that one, My Vagina's Too Big? You must have seen that!
It were like a manhole, literally!
I swear to God! Oh!
I was like, "Close your legs, it's like an eclipse!"
What are you doing there? Flick over?
Nearly kicked the telly off the wall.
"Dad, why have we got a washing line in the suitcase?"
"You never know, do you?
"You get over there, you do a bit of washing,
"you want to hang your clothes up. Hey, presto!
"Come see your dad.
"There you go." "What's this shit?"
"Washing powder. A little polythene bag of washing powder,
"you'll want to get there, you'll want to wash your smalls,
"couple of them in the sink, come and see your dad.
"Tea, coffee...
"A bit of Coffee-Mate.
"You arrive four o'clock in the morning, you're thirsty,
"come and see your dad. Always thinking. Cup of tea."
"Dad, we've no milk." "Coffee-Mate.
"It's there. I'm thinking. All the time." "Dad, are we all right
"going through Customs with all these bags of white powder? Are we?"
In the Spanish airport, they're all licking like that.
Dad's like, "It's Coffee-Mate, that. Coffee-Mate."
"I'm not your fucking mate.
"Coffee's brown, dickhead.
"Not white." The Kay family, Midnight Express.
"They're my teabags, I tell you!"
They're on their arses, Rich Tea. And they're cocky... They're cocky.
They don't even fit into your cup.
You've got to bite a bit off to get them in your brew.
They're not like Hobnobs.
You see? That's a different class of biscuit, an Hobnob.
Hobnobs are like Marines, Hobnobs. They're like SAS.
They're like the Steven Seagal of the biscuit world, an Hobnob.
You dip an Hobnob, it's like, "Again!
"Again! Dip me again!
"Dip me again! I'm going nowhere, me, son! Dip me!
"Dip me!
"Dip me!"
They drink half your brew.
They drink... Where's me brew gone? Where's me brew?!
"You don't dip me, I'll drink the bastard! Again!
"Again!"
Always leave loads of shit at the bottom of your cup. Oh, dirty ba...!
Took my mum for a big shop today.
We always go to ASDA cos we can park in that parent
and child bit at the front of the shop.
I'm with me mum! They don't put an age range on it, you might as well.
You're right at the front of the shop. It's belting.
At least you know where you're parked when you come out.
You're not like them dads that can't remember.
I love seeing dads when they come out. They've no short-term memory.
The car's parked there and they come out...
"Car's gone. Bloody car's gone.
"Jean. Jean, car's gone." They do that dad run that dads do, I love that,
where they don't actually move any quicker. They just... Have you seen that?
"Jean...
"Bloody car's gone.
"Sierra... Sierra's gone."
They might as well walk. What's that?!
"Jean... Bloody car's...
"It's gone. We've had it!"
I love seeing people, me, running for buses
and then they miss them and then pretend they didn't want them.
What's all that about?!
I have the occasional Baileys, sometimes.
More of a dessert than a drink, I grant you.
Last time I had a proper Baileys, I went on me school reunion.
Have you ever been on one of them? I tell you now, there's a reason you've not kept in touch
with some of them people over the years.
Someone got in touch through FaceTube and I thought... I can't. I've got to go.
Curiosity got the better of me and I went with a mate of mine. Your worst nightmare.
You walk in, there's people I've not seen for 20 years. You know you're getting old
when the local lollipop lady was in your class at school.
And everyone's got older and fatter and balder. Them's the women!
I went over...
And all the teachers were there. They don't get any older. Nuns...
I had nuns teaching me. Honest to God, nuns are miserable.
No sense of humour. Nun! I'll tell you that now.
Send them a Valentine's card every year from Jesus, every February.
"Roses are red, violets are blue,
"Sugar is sweet, I died for you."
Sister Sledge, she were the headmistress at our school. Sister Sledge.
She were lost in music, caught in a trap.
There's no turning back.
She once got all the fifth year boys in the assembly hall cos,
"Someone's thrown a shatter proof ruler at Carol Farrell."
Were there a time before shatter proof rulers existed?
What were they, blowing up in kids' faces? Why were they shatter proof?!
What were that about? Shatter proof! "Get them shatter proof, Bob.
"Shatter proof these, quick as you can.
"They're blowing up in kids' faces here, get them shatter proof, son."
Bang! "Another one gone here. Quick! Shatter proof!"
"It hit her there. If it had been an inch lower,
"it would have been instant death!
"When I find out who it is, I'll take them on that stage in assembly
"and I'll bang them in front of everybody."
Don't think you will.
Dads always go out on holiday, find somewhere, you know, go out...
"I've found a lovely place, you'll love it. Come on. Come with me.
"You'll love this place, it's called the Red Lion.
"Oh, it's lovely! The Red Lion. It's an old English Red Lion pub.
"They've got a British phone box outside. Come inside,
"look at this. They serve it... Do you want a pint of Tetley's?
"Tetley's is on. Steak and kidney pie, chips and beans.
"It's all there, you see, Only Fools And Horses on the televisions.
"English papers.
"It's like being at home, but you've got the weather.
"You've got the weather.
"Lovely couple, they're retired. Photographs on the wall
"of dogs playing snooker. You can't go wrong.
"Sit down, have a steak and kidney pie with your dad. Come on.
"Bring that Connect 4 over. Come on. I'll give you a game."
"Have any foreign food?" "Oh, no. No, thank you!
"Don't want any of that foreign muck. What...?
"Garlic bread?
"Garlic bread?!
"Garlic...
"..and bread?!
"Am I hearing you right?
"Garlic bread?!
"No, thank you. I've got some milk roll in the case. That'll do me.
"A toasted loaf."
Sunday afternoons, then I'd get ready for school on Monday morning,
have a bath, get me hair dried, watching Hart To Hart and Magnum.
My sister would be upstairs in the back bedroom,
taping the Top 40 off the radio.
Did you ever do that on Sundays, tape the charts?
And try and stop it before he speaks.
That's a skill, that. That's a skill!
"Ultravox Vienna's a non-mover..." Shit!
"Five Star Rain Or Shine's down two places..." Oh, shit!
Come on! Doing her own dance routines in her bedroom.
In front of the mirror.
# Tay-tay-tay-tay
# Tay-tay-tay, tay-tay, tay-tay
# Take or leave us, only please... #
Boom, boom, boom.
"What's she doing up there?! What's she doing?!
"Dancing?! I'll come up there and give you something to dance about!
"Lady Jane! I'm trying to watch Highway down here."
Boom-boom-boom.
Go to the school disco on a Thursday night,
have a bottle of 20-20 behind a skip.
White Lightning.
"I'm pissed and I don't give a shit. Come on!"
# Never gonna give you up
# Never gonna let you down
# Never gonna run around and desert you. #
# Too many broken hearts in the world
# Too many dreams... #
"You're doing it wrong! Watch me!
"Well, take the callipers off. What's the matter with you, Joyce?"
# I won't give up the fight for you... #
We had real teachers, though, as well. We had humans.
They weren't all nuns. Have we got any teachers in tonight, by any chance?
CHEERING
Whoa, whoa, don't shout out. Put your hands up.
Eh?
One rule for one... Fingers on lips.
I used to like teachers with amnesia.
"Who do you think you are?
"Who do you think you're dealing with?
"How old are you?
"Where should you be now?
"Do you know who I am?"
MOUTHS
"Silence when you're talking to me!"
MOUTHS
"I don't want to see you floating round school.
"Who do you think you are, waltzing in at this time?
"Don't come in here
and start mouthing off."
MOUTHS
"Come in here and start shouting the odds..." Seven, nine, 11, 43.
27.
"Who do you think you are, swanning in at this time?"
MOUTHS
"Put your pens down and watch the blackboard,
"while I go through it."
MOUTHS
Used to be like that with me. "Keep talking. Keep talking, because
"the longer you talk, the longer you'll stay.
"I don't care what time I go home."
Quarter to nine, we were kept in till. Quarter to nine!
"I'm supposed to be going for a meal with me wife." "Bollocks to her,
"you said, stay. I'm happy, me.
"I'm here for the night. I'm taping Taggart. Doesn't bother me."
First thing you do when you arrive is phone home.
Go out and get some payphone, "How do you work it?
"Put that card in. 0-4-4... Is it 0-4-4 for England? Hello?
"Hiya, Mum. It's me. You all right?
"Yeah? Everything's fine. The apartment's clean.
"What time is it there?
"What time is it?
"Eight o'clock. It's ten o'clock at night here.
"It's eight o'clock at home. It's eight o'clock at home.
"It's ten o'clock here.
"Everything's fine. What's the weather like there?"
You're on your holidays - they give a shit?!
"It's that fine rain... It's that fine rain that soaks you through."
Crime's on its arse. You see, things have changed. No-one's bothered.
Years ago when an alarm would go off in your front street,
you'd be out, you know, "Is everything all right?" Giving it good neighbours, "You all right?
"Your alarm were going off, and I'm a bit of a nosy bitch. You all right? Are you sure?
"You're all right? Are you sure?" That were years...
Now, no-one's bothered. "Have you heard that over there?
"Two days, that's been going off over there!
"Two bloody days, eh?
"It's a good job I'm not on nights.
"Have you heard that?" They could be dead. "Look at this, 26 bottles of milk, the greedy bastards!
"Look at that, eh? What have they got, a lion?! Look at all these, here.
"All the free papers hanging out of the door."
Crimewatch is bad. I said to my sister, "Do you watch Crimewatch?"
She went, "No," she said, "I don't watch it any more.
"It's not as good as it used to be."
Video fits on Crimewatch.
If you someone who looked like one of them video fits, it'd stick in your mind.
They're freaks. They don't look human.
They're just made up faces. It looks like bloody Shrek.
Shrek in a woolly hat and a donkey jacket.
If that come up behind you in the Co-op late shop, you'd shit yourself.
Can I have 20 Berkeley Red? "Get your hands up, mother stickers!
"This is a fuck up."
Did you ever try to blind the teacher with your watch?
Concentrating...
You all did it, blind the teacher now.
Doing...
"I know who it is." "No, you don't, you can't see fuck all. You don't know who it is."
Try and burn a hole in the front of his pants.
His balls are smouldering. His balls are smouldering.
Fire alarm. Wahey!
I always wanted to be out, me, when the bell went, first one out.
Start packing everything away about two minutes before the bell.
Put everything back in me pencil case, really discreetly.
Put it back in my bag. There you go.
But still pretend I've got a pen, an imaginary pen, cos they can't
see cos someone's sat in front, so you pretend you're writing.
Put your coat on really discreetly.
Wahey!
"Back, back, back. Everybody, back. Back.
"That bell's for me. That bell's not for you. That bell's for me.
"That bell's a signal for me to tell me to tell you when you can go. Do you hear me? Do you hear me?"
Power mad, they were. Mr Bryce at our school.
What an arsehole he were!
Saw him at that school reunion, I wanted to wind him. Right weirdo.
Took us on a geography field trip to the graveyard to see his wife.
Oh...
Mentalist.
He just sat there, sobbing. We were playing army round the headstones.
Da-ra-ra-ra, boom! Du-huh-huh!
MOUTHS
He didn't like me. "Is that what you're going to be when you grow up, Kay? A comedian?
"I tell you where you're going to end up, Kay, the thick table. Get your stuff. Get on the thick table."
We used to have a thick table in our class at school.
The thick table. When I say thick table, I don't mean "thick" table.
I mean thick table!
You'd never get away with that today!
PC and all that. This is 20 years ago. None of this ADHD and dyslexia.
"Thick table! Get on the thick table!"
Jason Patel.
Snorkel parka, sat in the bin, arse first, like that...
"Thick table, Jason, till you learn."
Theresa Crankfish, Jesus Christ! With Space Dust and snot bubble...
MUNCHING LOUDLY
"Thick table, Theresa.
"Paddy McGuinness, thick table!"
CHEERING
"Let the thick see the table."
That's true. I were sat with him.
Reconstructions are bad on Crimewatch cos
sometimes in reconstructions, they don't use actors,
they actually use the staff that were involved in the robbery,
they get them back in and say, "We're doing a reconstruction,"
as if they're not traumatised enough.
So you've got some old woman, shaking like a shittin' dog,
60 quid, cash in hand.
"All right. All right, do you want me here?"
"And action." "Get on the floor!"
SCREAMS
"It's happening again! It's happening again!"
That's just cruel, that, putting her back through that.
You always have some manager,
right boring manager narrating the reconstructions. He loves it.
"I usually arrive at work around 7:40, 7:50.
"That particular morning, the morning of the robbery,
"they were doing road surfacing work at the roundabout
"and the dual carriageway was gridlocked."
Get on with it, son! You're up against Bad Girls here. Cut to the chase, will you?
"I usually open up in the mornings when I arrive.
"Morning, Jean..." That's wrong. Jean's been locked in.
"Morning, Jean.
"Morning, Jean."
Cut that out.
"Morning Jean." "About time and all, I've been here all night.
"Thought you were never going to come.
"I daren't move, in case the alarm goes off."
"Where's Frank? He's late this morning."
Proper wooden, Frank comes on.
"As I was driving towards work,
"I noticed a small, white transit van.
"It was parked diagonally across both lanes.
"There were...
"There were two men discussing something...
"There were two men discussing something. I don't know what it was,
"but they both had sawn-off shotguns.
"Yeah. I couldn't quite see their faces clearly,
"as they were both wearing ski masks. I thought, that's odd,
"as it hadn't snowed in months."
He saw it all, him.
It's bad. They never swear when they come in as well on them reconstructions.
"Come on, get on the floor, you sponge! Come on!
"Get that flippin' safe open, you melon! Come on!"
How realistic's that?!
You go out shopping, supermarket, self-catering,
and you're amazed if you see something English.
And you go out and you go, look around like that,
"Look what they've got! Marie, look what they've got. Look, look, look!
"Look at that. Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers. Look at that! Over here!
"Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers over here.
"Les Cadbury's Fingeres, look at that.
"Les Cadbury's..." I don't know, I didn't do Spanish. "Look at that."
Domestic science. "Look at that!
"Les Cadbury's Fingeres," and they buy them,
even though they're a pound dearer than they are in Spar.
They buy them and they stand outside the supermarket like that.
"They taste the same.
"They taste exactly the same!"
We used to watch television in class and they'd wheel in this
massive television on legs, it were up there.
Two prefects used to wheel it in like a prize in a gameshow.
It were massive! We were like meerkats, watching it like that.
The video in the lock box, that'd been nicked.
Remote control on a wire.
Sister Matic stood on a chair with the aerial, trying to get a picture.
"Can you see? Can you fecking see now?
"Can you fecking see?"
I were never a fan of PE at school, me.
I can see astonishment in your eyes, but I were never a fan.
I... How did I fucking get up here?!
I were never a fan. I don't believe you can be physically educated.
They used to make us walk on an upside down gym bench.
Did you ever do that? Balance, walk along...
"The weight's dropping off me now, Sister."
I used to pretend I forgot me kit.
"I forgot me PE kit." "Get something out of that bin in the corner."
Fucking fencing mask and a netball skirt.
Forward roll.
"All change." "The ropes, get on the ropes! Get on the ropes!
"They've been on the ropes twice now, Sister.
"Still on this pissing bench."
You can tell you're home. Look at the balloons they've given me. Stage weight, pots of paint.
No expense spared in Bolton.
Stars In Your Eyes.
"Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Glenn Miller."
He went up them steps and through that fog
and no-one's seen him since, ladies and gentlemen.
For the old people in the audience.
Old people, you can't beat 'em, can you?
Pity.
I'm joking!
Especially when they're trying to draw money out of the cash
machine with a Blockbuster video card. All right...
There used to be an old woman who lived next-door to us, there were a power cut one night.
Miss Wild... Ooh, she were.
And there were a power cut one night.
Me mum went round to see if she were all right. Knocked on the door.
She had a hand mic and an amp.
IRISH ACCENT: "Are you all right? I was worried about you
"because there's been a power cut."
What's wrong with your voice? You're not even Irish!
Eh?
BOLTON ACCENT: "I thought there'd been a power cut,
"but then the bus went past with its lights on..."
Yeah, they plug them in now, love. Pull a wire round town.
Did you ever do that at school?
My mum's got curly hair and brushes her teeth.
"Taxi's here! Taxi's here!" Everyone's rushing round.
You all rush for a taxi, don't you?
"Taxi's here! Come on! The taxi's here! Hurry up! He's outside!"
Eventually! You booked him half an hour ago.
They come when they want. They're all liars.
Honest... We have a taxi firm in Bolton, right, you phone up...
Phone up, order a taxi.
They answer the phone by saying, "He's just turning your corner now."
rI'm like, "Can I order it before you start lying to me?
"Talk about jumping the gun. Let me order the frigging thing!"
Two things you always say to taxi drivers when you get in, "Been busy?
"What time are you on till?"
You can't help it!
Always!
Just comes out. It's like Tourette's.
Taxi driver Tourette's.
My mind goes blank.
I've gone about half a mile, I'm sat there like that.
Beaded seat cover.
"You been busy?"
MOUTHS
"What time are you on till?
"What time did you start?" Like I give a shit. I can't help it.
I were on packed lunches, me.
Packed lunches were two spam sandwiches
and a Munch Bunch yoghurt,
in a Robin of Sherwood lunchbox, packet of Salt 'N' Shake.
Highland Toffee and a beaker. Mum used to give me a beaker with orange cordial with some
clingfilm over the lid so it wouldn't spill in my bag.
You don't want that all over your books. Did you ever back your books?
What were that about? Backing books?!
"Mum, get me that woodchip wallpaper from the side of the wardrobe.
"Got to back me books here."
Anaglypta. Razzle. "Back me books here."
Keep it safe.
Get a life! I used to love it when I were in the dining hall at school
and someone would fall with their dinner.
Walking back to the seat, you'd get some girl...
Everyone would go, "Wahey!"
And when they were sick, they used to put sawdust down.
What were all that about? Sawdust?!
"There's nothing to see! On your way!"
"Course there's something to see, she's thrown up sawdust here!
"She's throwing up sawdust!
"Some carpenter's daughter! Look at that, shavings, bleurgh!
"Shavings!"
Should be on Embarrassing Bodies. She's a freak.
They were doing that at the school reunion about half past ten.
Everyone were drunk. Sister R Doing It were going round
with a bucket of sawdust, throwing it down.
I'd had a few Baileys, I were up on the karaoke
with Theresa Crankfish giving it Bump And Grind.
Theresa off her tits, pole dancing with the crucifix.
Sister Sledge, "I'll kill her! I'll fecking kill her!
"Where's me shatter proof ruler?"
We got a taxi home, me and me nan. We had this taxi driver...
We didn't have him.
But we got in, he said, "Let me tell you something.
"This country is going down the toilet.
"I'm getting out of here, my friend, and I'm taking a few of these bastards with me."
I said, "Have you been busy?"
Thank you very much, goodnight! Thank you!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
Thank you very much. Goodnight!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE