女士们先生们让我们有请 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage
Dylan Moran Dylan Moran!
- 你们好 - 你好 - 好哇 好哇 大家好 Hello! Hello! Yes, yes…hello.
能来这儿我是相当滴...那啥 Hello, it's very nice to be...and...
你们这些在伦敦滴 还是待这儿好哇 You may as well be in London… while you`re being.
多好一地方 Fantastic place.
大都市 Cosmopolis.
地球上每个角落 People from every corner of the Earth,...
每个种群每种宗教每种文化的人 every creed, every religion, every culture
都一涌而来 在的士里呕吐 come here to vomit in minicabs.
有时候吧 Sometimes, you know,
你们就不知道珍惜了 比方说 you might take it for granted, you see,
你们会觉着其他地方的生活会更好 you might get this notion that there's a better life for you elsewhere.
难免会这样想嘛 有些人压力大了 because that's what happens to people… they get stressed out somewhere like this.
就想着 "我看我该..." They think: "you know we should…I don't know...
"去乡下某处...某处 乡" go to the country... somewhere...'Somewhere Shire'".
真是个坏主意 It's a very bad idea.
我就是在乡下长大的 那地方你绝不会想去 I…I…I grew up in the country. You don't…you don't wanna go there.
这儿啥都有 别指望在别处实现梦想 You've got everything here. You're not gonna realize your dreams somewhere else.
这儿什么没有啊 You can do it all here.
在特夫内尔公园堵车堵上二十年 You could be trapped in traffic in Tufnell Park for twenty years…
这经历别处上哪儿找去啊 And you'll never have that experience anywhere else.
再说你们也不是真想去乡下 你们对乡下一无所知 You don't wanna go to the country, anyway. Most of you know nothing about it.
嘴上倒是常说 周日副版看来的 You talk about it all the time…you read about it in the Sunday supplements.
绝不会真去 去了干嘛 You're never going to go. Why would you go?
就那么一破地方儿 It's a disgusting place.
不下雨也湿答答的... It's always wet even when it`s dry...
那儿什么都没有 农民压根不算人 There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people.
知道吧 You know this.
要他们 是因为总要有人杀牛 They're just necessary. We need somebody to kill cows.
牛就是该杀 Cows are supposed to be killed.
一群群地杀 En masse as well.
我只能理解素食者那么一丁点儿 I have this certain very…well…limited sympathy with vegetarians…You know…
我倒不介意你出了什么事故才改吃素 I don't…I don't mind if you're vegetarian cause you had an accident or something years ago.
从楼梯上摔下来 嚼不了东西了 You fell down some steps and now you can't chew properly.
这没关系 可那些 I don't mind that…but all this
抵死不吃荤的家伙是不对滴 vegetarian-on-principle stuff is wrong!
你就该吃牛肉 You're supposed to eat the cows.
它们就是堆蠢肉... They're big lumbering stupid things...
不吃掉那还不得到处都是? they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
冲进图书馆了都要 一开始没人要吃它们 In the library and everything... Nobody actually wanted them originally.
俩人聊天聊着聊着这蠢货出来挡道了 You know, they were just mid-conversation that kept getting bumped into by these cretins...
那人受不了啦 Couldn't take it anymore.
"妈的给我把叉 把这家伙做掉" "Give me a fuckin' fork I'm gonna deal with this."
人一开始是想吃松鼠的 What people really want are squirrels
跑太快抓不住 but they're too quick.
所以别去乡下 Don't go to the country.
你上回跟乡下人说话是什么时候了 When is the last time you spoke to somebody from the country?
你们有没有跟这些人说过话? "你今儿干了啥?" Have you ever had a conversation with these people? - "What did you do today?"
- "我喝了点汤" - "额滴个神...让我走吧" - "I had some soup." - "Oh for *!%*'s sake...get me outa here.
"没晕之前给我来杯卡布奇诺 要马克杯的" "Please gimme a cappucino before I pass out. I need a mugger."
"我需要好好灌输点犬儒主义" "I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now."
当然那些人是很友好的 这是实话 And of course these people are friendly. …course they are.
抓着你聊天 都几年没跟人说话了 They talk to you. They haven't spoken to a real person in years.
把你带回家 帮你把衣服都烘干 And they bring you into the house and they dry all your clothes...
哪怕你压根就没淋雨 even though you've not been in the rain or anything.
端出土特产 "尝尝咱这儿的土特产" And offer you the local thing. "You must try the local stuff."
千万别吃 啥叫土特产? Don't eat it! You know why it's local?
那就是屎 所以叫土嘛 It's #%@@! That's why it's local.
你吃了就跟他们一样了 If you eat it, you'll turn into one of them.
满脸高原红 整天唧唧歪歪 You go red, you start spouting bigotry...
咬着粗呢 下巴往下滴羊油 and eating tweed with lamb fat dribbling down your chin.
千万别成那样子的 Don't go near of any of that stuff.
人说"我要去乡下 乡下好哇" People say: "I'm gonna go. It'll be great."
"搞个太阳能马桶 屋顶用茅草盖的" "We'll have a solar panel toilet…. we'll get the whole family thatched."
扯淡! Rubbish!
有些文章说什么城市生活多么不健康 And then you get these articles about how unhealthy modern life is in a city.
什么打手机得脑瘤的几率 You know…you get mobile phone tumours...
在城市特别高 far more likely in the city.
知道吧 其实哪儿都一样 Well you know what? So is everything else.
上哪儿都要做爱喝咖啡侃大山 Including sex, coffee and conversation.
说起聊天那可很不一样 And the conversations are totally different as well…there.
你们城里人 隔九个月往那儿一坐 You're sophisticated people. You meet up every nine months...
喝喝咖啡 拿不在场的朋友说八卦 to have a coffee with somebody and %#%$! about your best friend who's not there.
- "我讨厌他们" - "我比你更讨厌他们" - "I hate them." - "I hate them more than you do."
等朋友来了 "哟 你好呀" Here they come. - "Hi, how are ya?"
- "来杯拧巴基诺不?" - "Do you want a nimbacino?"
在乡下吧 人不没事儿干嘛 And in the countryside... because there's nothing to do...
你知道那儿的人干什么吧 Do you know what people do there?
他们都串门去啦 跑别人家里喝茶 They…they…they go to each others' houses, they come to your house and drink tea.
一坐一整天 All !+$%$!# day.
爬个十二英里来喝茶哦 They crawl for twelve miles to come and drink tea.
就因为没事儿干 'Cause there's nothing else to do.
等你去了就用那种乡下人的热情款待你 And what people do then... It has its own kind of native hostility.
丫把家里所有吃的都搬出来堆你面前 You know, they bring out all the food in the house and put it in front of that person...
说"喂 都给我吃了!" and say: "There, eat that!"
因为不这么折腾回头搁村里名声不好 Because…because if you don't put on a good spread you'll be ill-spoken-of in the village.
所以拿出来十九种土豆 So people bring out nineteen different kinds of potatoes.
一层层一波波的火腿片 Sheets of ham. Waves of ham.
中间咬个洞套上可以省买披风的钱了 You take a bite out of the middle, you save yourself the price of a poncho.
就这么把东西往人前一堆 "给我吃了它!" They put it in front of that person and they say: "Fuckin' eat that!"
那帮人就一坐一整天 And they stay there all day.
能吃的吃个精光 能喝的喝个见底 Eat everything you have. Drink everything you have.
撵都撵不走 And they never know when to go.
他们特别质朴你知道吧 往那儿一坐就凌晨一点了 You know? They're not sophisticated. They sit there. You're there…one o`clock in the morning...
你只能把老爷钟夹在睡裤膝盖中间 with the grandfather clock between your pyjama'd knees...
瞪着这帮傻逼说"求您了 回去吧" staring at the motherfuckers saying: "Please, go home!"
到最后就口不择言啦 And you end up saying terrible things:
"我说 咱家的酒也都喝完了" "Look, we drank everything in the house..."
"的士呢我看也不会来了" "I don't think that minicab is coming..."
"咱虽说喝了八九瓶葡萄酒半瓶威士忌" "I know we had eight or nine bottles of wine and half a bottle of whisky..."
"但我看你还是开车回去吧" "but I think you should drive. I do."
"我亲自把你手捆方向盘上" "I will personally sellotape your hands to the wheel."
"快给我上车滚回去吧求您了" "Get in the !+$%$!# car. Go away from here please."
说到逃跑那还有最极端的例子 And then, you know, there's the…there's the extreme version of that idea of escape.
有人就想移民 想从别处开始新生活 People think they'll emigrate, that's it. Their…their…their new life will be somewhere else.
"比这儿好多啦 我再也受不了了" "Much better than here. I can't take it anymore."
你能去哪儿 这年头上哪儿都是人 Where would you go? People... people fling themselves all over the planet.
最后就去了澳大利亚 谁会想去那种地方? People end up in Australia. Why would anybody want to go there?
那国家算个神嘛东西啊 What is the point of that country?
我以前足不出户 可最近大家都去过澳洲 I was…I usually never leave the house but, we all went to Australiarecently.
全家人都去了 这什么鬼地方 The whole family. It was a ridiculous place.
离太阳表面只有四分之三英里 Located three quarters of a mile from the surface of the sun.
大街上人从你身边走过都能听到爆裂声 People audibly crackling as they walk pass you on the street.
所以他们老烧烤啊 那种地方根本不用煮饭嘛 That's why they all barbecue. You don't need to cook somewhere like that.
只要把东西拿出来往烤架上一扔 You just bring the #%@@ out, fling it on a grill,
马上就烧着了 and it bursts into flames.
那地方根本不能住 那儿的人除了拿自己当人肉烧烤 It's not supposed to be inhabited. And when they're not doing that, frying themselves outside,...
就都扑通扑通往海里跳 they all fling themselves into the sea.
偏偏海里全是要命的东西 Which is inhabited almost exclusively by things designed to kill you.
鲨鱼 水母 食人鱼 要啥有啥 Sharks, jelly-fish, swimming knives. They're all in there.
然后 在我们这个全新的世界 And then, you know, there's the…where else... There's the…this is the new world….
有个地方叫...美国 You know, and the other part of the new world is…is America.
大家想"那地方有希望啊" And people think: "That's got a lot of promise."
不过... Still...
话虽如此 如今我们看美国人都有点那啥 Even though, we're all a bit funny about Americans now….a bit.
我觉得吧我们不待见美国的原因 I think the reason that happened… all that bad feeling about America...
和他们的所作所为毫无关系... is apart from everything that they've done…
而是因为那帮美国蠢蛋说起话来 It's because American stupid people sound...
比随便哪儿的蠢蛋都蠢 stupider than every other kind of stupid person.
有些人傻了吧唧的你还能忍受 Some people are just thick but you put up with them.
美国人傻起来都让人烦 But Americans are annoying when they're thick.
他说(美国口音)"你资道吗..." 这是在说美国三天两头发生的 Because they say: (accent) "Well, you know, I was ..." They're talking about one of those terrible...
那些灾难性事件呢 他们说 incidents that happen every other day in America. They say:
(口音) "你资道吗 偶在那里 那男伦就葱进来了..." (accent) "Well, you know, I was there and the guy came in,..."
"蓝后 他还有枪哦 你资道吗" "and he had…like…a gun, you know,..."
"蓝后他就开始射击哦 其他人都死翘翘了啦" "and he was…like…shooting, and everybody else was totally dead."
这听起来也太脱离现实了吧 It sounds a little divorced from reality somehow.
我看这就是我们不待见他们的原因 So I think that's why there's ill feeling about the place sometimes.
他们政府做的每件事 Because of everything the administration has done.
都好像是个糟糕透顶的室友 You know, it's like the really bad flatmate of the world.
"对不起 我打烂你东西了? 我不知道这是你的" (accent) "Oh, sorry. Did I break all your #%@@? I didn't know it was yours."
"改天换别的东西吧..." "Yeah, I'll replace it some time..."
"...换成我的东西" "um...with my stuff." And...
谁叫它是唯一的帝国了呢 because it's the only remaining empire.
你们以前也是帝国啊 (Dylan Moran是爱尔兰人) Of course, you had an empire once.
英国多伟大一帝国呀 Britain had a great empire.
雄赳赳气昂昂地攻占了整个世界 And impressively commandeered and sequestered from the rest of the world
霸道啊! 你们走上前说... …with great style. You just marched in and said:
"你、你还有你给我滚 爷要喝茶了" "You, you and you, *!%* off! We're having tiffin."
大家就说 "好好 这就走 没关系" And everybody sort of went: "Oh, right, I'll gonna be off now. That's fine."
过了几个世纪人家才反应过来 And it took centuries for people to go: "Hang on a minute..."
"等等...这是我们的地盘儿啊" "We live here."
美国人就不是这个路数 阴险多了 The American style is totally different. Far more insidious.
这帝国的运转方式完全不同 美国人就爱到处管闲事 This empire is run on a totally different basis. What Americadoes...is it has a nosy in some place…
专找那些战乱不堪的地方 some war-torn, $%%%!$ up place...
看人家有没有石油啊巧克力什么的 and it looks for oil or chocolate or whatever it wants.
人家的劳苦大众不乐意啦 And all the indigenous people obviously get pissed off.
于是就集会啦 造反啦 And they begin to meet. They begin to foment.
他们打电话说了 They ring each other up and say:
"喂 哈布瓦 咱集会造反吧 今晚六点" (accent) "You, Habuwa, let's meet and foment...
于是他们在炸得稀巴烂的咖啡馆见面了 at six o'clock." In the local bombed-out café, they gather round and they say:
"我们要..." 我就不用口音了行吧 (accent) "What are we go..." I'm doing a pan global accent, OK?
节省时间 反正哪儿都是美国口音 It saves time. because America gets around a lot of places.
"我们要..." 这样代表穷人 "What're we..." And this represents poverty.
"听着…" "Hey listen…"
"嗨 哈古达 听着..." "Hey! Haguga, listen,..."
"要拿这群帝国主义扬基狗怎么办 我们该怎么办" "What're we gonna do 'bout the !+$%$!# imperialistic Yankee big dog, huh? What're we gonna do?"
"他们一来 妈的四处一看 就把东西都抢走了 我们该怎么办?" "They come in here…they fuckin'…they look around, they take our stuff. What're we gonna...?"
"我跟你说话呢 把豆子放下 听着 我们该怎么办?" "I'm talkin' to you! Put down the beans! Listen, what're we gonna do?"
好吧我说的有点像黑人区华裔版阿尔帕西诺 It's kind of...Al Pacino from China via Brooklyn. But the em,...
你知道美国人趁这些人说话时在干嘛 And what the Americadoes... while these people are talking,...
他们慢慢地在这些人周围 they very, very gradually build a
造了个星巴克 Starbucks around them.
于是大家都对拿铁上瘾啦 丧失了反抗的意志 They all become addicted to latté and they lose the will to rebel.
他们也变成美国人了 And then they turn into Americans…
过了几星期 有人跳出来跟我说了 after a couple of weeks…the kind of people who come up to me and say:
(美国口音) "嗨 我是爱尔兰人" (accent) "Hi, I'm Irish."
"我奶奶姓O'Flaherty 你认识她不?" "My grandmother was O'Flaherty. Did you know 'er?"
我总是说"对 对 认识..." I always say: "Yes, yes, I did..."
"谁他妈不认识啊" "But then again everybody did."
当然这只是某一类美国人 But that's a particular kind of American obviously.
你在欧洲看到的美国人 The kind of Americans you see in Europe...
不知怎么一个个都体型庞大 who often, for some reason, seem to be very generously proportioned.
你看到他们堵在博物馆门口嚷嚷着 And the...you see them in museums blocking up the exhibits going:
"这是什么? 能吃么? 我们在哪儿? 能不能..." "What is this? Can we eat it? Where are we? Can we ….."
等你到了美国一看 那儿竞争厉害着呢 And yet when you go to Americayou see that it's a very, very...because it's so competitive and everything.
人人都超级时髦 超级苗条 People are ultrafashionable and very thin, really.
我想你在欧洲看到的美国人大概... I think the Americans you see in Europe are all the ones...
一辈子足不出户 who stay in their apartments,
用管子喂肥了装运到欧洲来的吧 get food piped in and then they're just shipped out to Europe.
而在美国本土 一个个长得多好看啊 But the ones over there... You see these amazing looking people.
简直不像是真人 They don't look real at all.
女人们瘦得只剩骨头 These incredibly exiguous women.
那些看上去连自己的牙和头都架不住的人 You know, those people who look like they can't support the weight of their own teeth and their head.
走着猫步进出时尚餐厅 Stalking in and out of fashionable restaurants.
我不知道她们去那儿干嘛 大概把意大利面涂在大腿上吧 I don't know what they do in there. Maybe they just rub pesto on their legs or something and...
她们看上去就跟自己的照片差不多重 You know, they look like they weigh as much as a photograph of themselves and…and...
可时髦啦 Very fashion conscious.
但人们还是觉得那才是人间天堂 But people have this idea that it's… that it's still the promised land.
你看加州 到处果实累累丰饶富裕 You know, somewhere like California where everything is fruitful and abundant.
但是... But...
阿诺德·施瓦辛格是加利福尼亚州州长 Arnold Schwarzenegger... is the Governor of California.
这就是一个普通陈述句 There's a perfectly ordinary English sentence.
怎么会这样呢?! How did that happen!?
你知道怎么回事吧 我告诉你 Do you know how that happened? 'cause I'll tell you.
你知道他怎么坐上那位子的吧 You know how he got into that position?
他是靠... He got there...
举重选上的 by lifting things.
你和我 咱不愿意举重啊 Now you and me, we avoid lifting things.
多累人啊 It's unpleasant.
尤其是特别重的东西 Especially heavy things.
五岁小孩儿都知道说 Even a five-year-old child knows this. They go:
"啊? 才不呢 呸~ 我要把乐高玩具塞屁股下 我才不要举重呢 不干不干" "Huh? No…hahaha…fuckit… no. I gonna put a Lego up my arse. I'm not doing that. No…no."
他就另辟蹊径 He took a different approach.
他专挑重的举 你知道一般人迫不得已才举东西 He lifted the heavy...and you know, you lift something when you have to.
钢琴砸在奶奶身上了 你去举钢琴 Piano falls on granny... you lift the piano.
因为不举奶奶要闹情绪 'cause granny has mixed feelings about the whole situation.
周日拉票活动进行中 Sunday lunch continues.
他理都不理 He didn't do any of that!
直接冲向重的东西一把举起来 He went right over to the heavy thing and lifted it...
然后放下来 也不挪个位置 and put it back down and didn't move it anywhere.
然后再举起来...举了几百次 And then he lifted it again… hundreds of times.
他对驻足观望他这种脑残行为的人说 And said to the people who had stopped to observe this aberrant behaviour.
"看我多厉害... " "Look how good I am... "
"举重我最牛..." "at lifting the heavy thing..."
"只穿内裤哦..." "in my underpants."
这听起来就有点玄乎了 Now that…sounds a little dim.
可人民说了 But it was they who said:
"就选你了" "You're the man."
"就要你来处理移民问题水费税收 那些烂七八糟的事情了" "You're the one we want to deal with immigration and water rates and taxes and all that kind of #%@@."
我说等等... Now, wait...
他的前任到底坏到什么程度了? what we need to know is how bad was his predecessor at that job?
一定是每天上班来身上都沾满儿童的鲜血吧 You know, this must have been someone who came to work covered in children's blood every morning.
他开的那种车 叫什么悍马的 He drives one of these vehicles, you know, these things they're called Hummers.
知道吧 就是那种四个轮子可以开的 You know? It's like a big four-wheel-drive thing.
老大的 Huge.
他的老二到底小到什么程度 How small does you *$*! have to be?
导致他会冲进展厅大叫 To make you walk into a car show-room and say:
"听着 我要辆像学校那么大的车..." "Listen, I need something in the size of a school..."
"...人们才知道我驾到了" "... so people know I'm around."
好像开车还不够招摇似的 As if driving wasn't already aggressive enough.
知道吧 人在方向盘后面是会变的 You see people behind the wheels and these things. They change,...
坐在那种庞大的车辆里 你们伦敦这儿也有嘛 you know, in those big built-up vehicles. You have them here in London, you know.
因为麻烦啊 Because it's difficult obviously…the
咖啡店在街这边 报摊在另一边 很麻烦 我知道 coffee's on one side of the street, you have to get your newspaper from the other. It's tough, I know.
所以人们坐在方向盘后面性情会变 People change, they get behind the wheel of those things.
丧失了辨别薯片包装袋和你孩子的能力了 They lose the ability to distinguish between an empty packet of crisps and your children.
开车绝对粗暴 我最近开始学车了 Driving is incredibly aggressive. I started to learn recently.
我居然不会开车 真是有点可悲 我都三十...快三十五了... I don't know…I don't know how to drive and it's fairly pathetic, you know, 'cause I'm…I'm thirty…nearly thirty-five.
太可笑了 It's ridiculous.
然后一想到我也不会游泳我就更紧张了 And then I started getting nervous 'cause I can't swim either and I thought,
"要是开车冲进湖里咋办 玩完儿了!" "What if I crash into a lake? I am $%%%!$!"
你很快就会学会(开车)其实就是骂人 You learn very, very quickly that it is mostly about swearing actually.
学会这个就行 在带轮子的箱子里骂人 That's all you're doing... swearing in a box with wheels.
你干其他什么事都不会骂得这么厉害 'cause you don't swear like that with any other activity in your day.
平时不让自己骂啊 开车就没关系 You don't allow yourself. It's ok when you're driving for some reason.
要是走路时人家挡了你的道 If somebody blocks you when you're a walking
你俩多半还要假客气一下 You're positively Edwardian in your manners.
像小绵羊似的朝着对方傻笑 You do this sheepish little smile together.
你往旁边让一步 结果对方也让 And you step aside. And you both do it at the same time. And you go:
"哟您瞧瞧 这怎么弄的?" (accent) "Oh, for goodness's sake, what to-do?"
"嗬嗬嗬 天哪" "Hohoho, dear me!"
"我来...额...让我...哦又碰上了 你相信吗 我真不敢相信..." "I'll just...er…I'll just...oh, we did it again! Do you believe it. I can't believe it..."
"我们可以去演戏了..." "We should be on the stage..."
"又碰上了…你说这唱得那出戏啊?" "One more time…I'll just... Oh, how did we ever get this far as species?"
但不知为何 But for some reason...
在车里就变成 "你他妈去死!" in a car that becomes: "You spoke buggered!"
一看还是一八十九岁的教堂看守 From, you know, an eighty-nine year-old church warden.
很抱歉 我有点... (coughs) Excuse me, I have a...
把它咳出去 除非它先把我咳出去了 something…it'll clear up. It might take me with it but, you know, we'll see...
这种粗暴其实挺可怕的 随处可见 And all this aggression is terrible actually. You see that everywhere.
人们总以为自己是在对另一个开车的人发火 People have…you know…you think you're mad at the other motorist in that case.
其实可能是别的 Probably something else.
说不定是你的过往经历导致 其实你是憎恨你母亲什么的 You know…it's probably something in your own past that you're probably...I don't know... mad at your mother or something.
所以你一四十五岁的人在街上大吼大叫 That's why you find yourself as a forty-five year old person on the street shouting.
街上那些自言自语的人背后都有故事啊 There must be a story behind all those people you see mumbling on the street,
看上去深色凝重好像在谈重要问题 having those intense conversations that look really, really significant
只不过旁边根本没人 except nobody else is there...and...
你生气的实际上是... You know, you're probably mad at something... I don't...
大家都记得吧 Because everybody remembers:
童年时一个人在厨房里 you'd be alone in the kitchen and...
暮色越来越重 twilight would be dwindling and you could hear...
远处传来其他孩子嬉笑的声音 the far-off cries of the other children playing nearby...
你心里知道有好东西给你一个人吃 and you know…you'd be alone in a kitchen 'cause it was your special treat time...
马上就有布丁端出来给你了 when the…the jelly would come out just for you...
然后你妈妈出现了 穿着那种碎花裙子 and your mother would appear at your side… just this vision of Laura Ashley print dress...
散发着兰花和饼干的香味 smelling of magnolias and biscuits...and...
把布丁放你面前 你把椅子拉近桌子 put the jelly in front of you… and…and…and you would pull your chair in...
然后妈妈又端上那种老式的大冰砖 and then the old-fashioned bar of ice-cream would come down,
要用面包刀才能切开 the one that had to be cut with a bread knife
然后两面夹上华夫饼 before the two sides were flanked with wafers...
你兴奋地举起小勺子挖进去... and you would lift your little spoon up excitedly to press it in...
吞下第一口布丁 高兴得直眨眼睛 and winkle out that first divot of black jelly and...and
突然间一个笼子放在你面前 and then the cage would come down!
里面装着那种日本大蜘蛛 The cage with the Japanese fighting spiders inside.
她在手臂上划亮一根火柴 She would strike a match off her forearm...
逼你到厅里跳舞来讨钱 and go and tell you to dance in the front room for money.
这种混账事怎么忘得了 一生难忘 And you never forget that #%@@. You know, it never goes away.
但这种"生活在别处"的想法总是吸引着人们 But...this idea of the good life being elsewhere does possess people.
我猜现在很多人吧 都跑欧洲去了 And I suppose a lot of people now... because Europe is freed up and everything...
大家搬到德国 people move within Germany... a lot of...
搬到欧洲 我嘴上说德国其实是说欧洲 within Europe rather... I mean I said Germanybut I meant Europe.
我也不知道德国俩字怎么蹦出来的 不过的确很多人去了德国 I don't know why I said Germanybut loads of people did go to Germanyactually,
最近不是有世界杯么 (2006年) recently for the World Cup.
一大帮英国人就冲过去 对德国和德国人 A lot of English people went over to make uninformed prejudicial remarks...
又是挑刺又是骂 about German people and Germany.
太傲慢太偏激了 Totally ignorant and bigoted.
什么都不了解 就知道出口伤人 Know nothing about it... but they feel free to insult it.
他们是英国人嘛 一向偏激么 Because they're English and they're bigoted...
不过 也因为德国就是个马桶 and…because Germanyis a toilet.
一糟糕透顶的地方 A truly dreadful place.
谁都不愿意去那儿 就是一破地儿 Nobody ever has any reason to go there. It is…it is a totally dreadful place.
真的就那么回事儿 And that's just the way it is...
你要是跟个与时俱进的... because if you're talking to a, you know, a modern...
我去过 去澳洲和加州的那个周末顺便去的 I went there. On the same weekend I went to Australiaand California and it's a...
你要是和与时俱进善良友好的德国人讲话 you see, the thing is you're talking to a modern, nice, affable, German person...
他们就会跟你说 and they're saying to you something like:
"德国正处于欧洲发展的关键时刻" (accent) "You know, well, it's a critical time right now for Germany within Europe,..."
"展望全球我们经济形势一片光明 但和从前相比仍有差距" "also globally…economically we're pretty good. We have been better."
"在舞台和艺术方面我们空前昌盛" "But we're very vibrant in the theatre and arts and so on…"
你一边听他们说话一边心里想 All the time you're listening to this, you're thinking:
"嗯嗯 是啊 嗯嗯... 希特勒! 希特勒! 希特勒! 希特勒!" "Hmmm…hmmm…yeah, yeah, hmmm, hmmm... Hitler…Hitler…Hitler…Hitler..."
"你说希特勒的话做希特勒的事 希特勒...希特勒...希特勒" "and the Hitler when you did the Hitler thing with Hitler. ..Hitler…Hitler…Hitler..."
那儿的人长得跟猪肉似的 别跟我说你不觉得 真的 And the people look like pork. You can't get away from that. They do.
跟猪肉刮在毛巾上一样 They look like pork scratchings on a towel.
他们的东西也不能吃 你想吃就得先抱怨上几句 And you can't eat the food because you would have to complain about it...
抱怨得用德语啊 德语太恶心了 and that would mean speaking German. It's a disgusting language.
是人就不该说这话 Nobody should ever speak it.
连希特勒都吃素 你想东西有多难吃 Even Hitler was vegetarian. That's how bad the food is.
德语说起来太难听了 学都学不会 And you couldn't speak German 'cause it's a horrible sound.
像吃锡箔的打字机被从楼梯上踢下来一样 It sounds like typewriters eating tinfoil being kicked down a stairs.
人跟你说德语 张口就是"哈肯逮哈肯" Somebody is talking to you in German, they're saying: (accent) "Haken die haken…(etc)"
你想 "你背后被人捅了还是怎么地? " You think: "What is happening to you from behind? "
"苍天啊别说了 你快走吧" "How can we make it stop? Please, go away."
我这可不是 Now, that's not...
偏见 这叫观察 prejudice, that's just observation. And the...
其实我觉得英国人确实挺偏激的 thing is English people are very bigoted, though, I find.
我是以一个中立的爱尔兰人身份说的 爱尔兰当初从没有参战吧 I say that as a neutral Irish person. You know, Irelandwasn't involved in the war at all.
爱尔兰人听说打仗了都这样 Ireland's reaction in the war was to go:
"啥? 出啥事儿了? 抱歉，说啥? 我还没穿衣服呢" "What? There's a what on? Sorry, what? I'm not dressed."
"您说啥? 什嘛?" "What is it? What?
"您要干嘛? 你说你要...啥?" "you want to what? You need...you need a...what?"
"说啥呢? 打仗啦? 都打完了啊? 那敢情好" "What is...? War? It's all over, is it? Or will...good...yeah."
"您找我干嘛?" "What do you want?"
一点用都没有 Not very useful.
不过英国人就挺小心眼 But English people are quite prejudiced, I think.
我是最近才发现的 我有很多英国朋友 Because I've noticed this recently. 'cause I have lots of English friends who are very dear to me and...
最近才发现 跟英国人说话的时候吧 I realized recently... when you're talking to an English person...
你要是外国人 他们特别照顾你 他们可好玩儿了 and you're from elsewhere, they share with you. They do a lovely thing...
跟你说话的时候吧 他们就学着你的口音 when they're talking to you. They…they impersonate you as they're talking to you.
有人对我说 "请问要豁神末饮料咧" Somebody says to me: (accent) "Do you want another drink then?"
说得跟英语里那种视死如归的语气特别像 You know, in that English voice that suggests they're just about to die at any moment.
"还要再豁杯乜?" - "Do you want another drink?"
"好的 再来杯吧 太好了 很好 谢谢" - "I would. I'd love another drink. That'd be great. That'd be grand. Thank you."
他们又学你了"腊好哇 太好呢 好极呢" They do you. They go: - (accent) "I would, yeah, That'd be great. That'd be grand. That'd be lovely."
"你们他妈地在干嘛?!" - "What the *!%* are you doing?!"
"没啥 您不是爱尔兰人嘛..." - (accent) "Nothing. It's just funny 'cause you're Irish and that, you know..."
他们眼里的爱尔兰人就这样 'cause that's still how Irish people are seen.
星星眼 胳膊底下夹头猪的乡巴佬 As twinkly-eyed fuckers with a pig under their arm...
满世界地乱窜 high stepping around the world going:
"我帮你刷屋子吧 不过小心梯子被我偷走 嗬嗬嗬" "Ill paint your house now but watch out, I might steal the ladder, hohohoho."
只说对了一半嘛 Which is only half true!
事实是爱尔兰人的确比较情绪化 The thing is though that Irish people are just far more emotional.
我们的文化中是很重视情感的 We include emotion in our culture.
你要是跟英国人说话 If you're talking to an English person...
绝对看不出来他家刚结婚还是刚死了人 you don't know if they've recently died or just got married.
那种英国式微笑 "你好 你好" 'cause of that English smile... (accent) "Hello, hello."
好像舌头底下含着个臭牡蛎似的 Looks like you've a rotten oyster under your tongue.
"你好 早上好 别碰我! 站远点 你怎么样? 你好" "Hello. Good morning. Don't touch me. Stay away. How are you...? Hello." And...
要不这样 要不情绪一爆发就成了暴力 Either that or when emotion does appear it's violent.
踢个足球能把体育馆拆了把椅子吃下去 They come and play football with you and rip the #%@@ out of the stadium and eat the chairs.
可是在咱们爱尔兰 Whereas in Irel...somewhere like Ireland...
就要热血得多 生活中充满着激情 it's more hot-blooded. There's drama included in the fabric of every day.
每时每刻都可以看到 Every...it's there every moment.
大家说起话来 "哦天哪!" People wake going: "Oh god!..."
"几点了?" "九点差六分" "真的?" "What time is it?" "It's six minutes to nine." "Is it?"
"我还以为差七分呢 我们都他妈完了!" "I thought it was only seven minutes to. We're all $%%%!$!"
"天气怎么样? 别告诉我! 我受不了 我自己看去吧" "What's the weather like? Don't tell me! I can't bear to hear. I'll look myself..."
"啊啊! 真他娘的怡人啊!" "Aaagh! It's fierce - mild!"
"咱们早饭吃啥 你还做那啥不" "What are we having for breakfast? Are you gonna do that thing again..."
"把面包扔盒子里烤了吃?" "with the bread when you put it in the box and burn it?"
"这裤子谁的? 来吧我们一人穿一裤腿..." "Whose trousers are these? Come on, we'll both try them at once..."
"看谁更合适" 就这个样子... "and see who wins." It's just...
情感要丰富得多 much more emotional at all times.
也没啥原因 For no real reason.
我有时候还想像你们这样 And I think sometimes I'd love to be like you.
冷酷镇定毫无感情 Cool and calm and unemotional.
新教徒 (新教是英国国教) Protestant, in short.
多好一宗教啊 What a...it's a fantastic religion.
对你没有任何要求 It makes absolutely no demands upon you at all.
所以成不了什么大气候 Which is why it's not a great religion.
所有伟大的宗教都以耻辱为基础 All great religions are built on shame.
你要是清教徒就没这回事 You don't have any of that if you're protestant.
你上教堂去 哼两句颂歌 You go to the church, you sing a few hymns,...
喝杯茶 回家照样打飞机 have a cup of tea, everybody goes home and has a wank.
你瞧 You see…
你们有思想上的自由 You have the freedom of mind...
比如走进房间看到一碟饼干 to walk into a room and see a plate of biscuits, say.
你看着它们想 And you look at them and you think:
"嘿 这儿有碟饼干 我可以吃 也可以不吃" "Well, there's a plate of biscuits, I might have a biscuit, I might not,..."
"我也许一会儿再吃 也许放块在口袋里给别人吃" "I might have one later. I might put it in my pocket and give it to somebody else."
"无所谓啦 就是块饼饼嘛" "I don't really mind. It's just a biccie."
天主教就不是这样了 It's not like that if you're catholic.
你走进房间看到一碟饼干 房间里就还有其他东西 You walk in the room, you see the plate of biscuits, there could be other things going on in the room.
也许是房间着火了 The room could be on fire,
也许挤满了裸体小丑 用十字弓互相杀戮 it could be full of naked clowns killing each other with crossbows.
这都没关系 你眼里只有那碟饼干 This doesn't matter to you because all you see is the plate of biscuits.
你想"哦不 我会吃了它们的 我会的" 'cause you think: "Oh no, I'm gonna eat them. I know I am."
"我会吃了它们 全都吃掉 哦不 我一定会的" "I'm gonna eat them. I'm gonna eat them all. Oh no, I know I am."
"我已经在向它们走去了 刚才没觉得这会儿发现了" "I'm even walking towards them. I wasn't aware of that but I am now."
"我居然已经在吃饼干了 救救我 救救我!" "I've actually started to eat the biscuits. Help me! Help me!"
"哦太美味了 可耻啊!可耻!可耻!" "Oh they're delicious. Oh the shame! The shame! The shame!"
"哦我分不清哪个更妙了" "Oh I can't tell which is nicer."
"饼干还是耻辱本身!" "The biscuits or the shame!"
"哦这是儿童饼干 太完美了!" "It's a child's biscuit. That's perfect!"
"我不配吃带有黑巧克力的成人饼干" "I don't deserve a grown-up one with dark chocolate on it."
"哦太好吃了 哦都被我吃完了" "Oh, they're so nice. Now, they're all gone."
"可耻啊!可耻啊! 除了耻辱我一无所有" "The shame! The shame! That's all I've got left."
"现在什么都不能让我解脱了" "Nothing can make me feel better now..."
"除了可卡因" "except cocaine."
如此这般 On and on and on.
可人们照样信仰耶稣 And yet, people still turn to Jesus.
不过你会发现 看那些人 You will notice though that the kind of people...
那些信耶稣的 who turn to Jesus...
基本上都是些混得没别人好的家伙 tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.
比如在场某些人 Like the people who are here, for instance.
他们对自己说 They say to themselves:
"这辈子是没什么出息了 就指望着下辈子吧" "Well, I can't get it right in this lifetime but in the next life it'll be right."
什么灵魂永生啦 其实都是瞎吹的 In the spiritual afterlife. Which makes no sense at all…really.
你要相信这些 那是你的事 It's your choice of course if you want to believe all this...
可你要灵魂永生干嘛 but why would you want a spiritual afterlife?
要拯救灵魂趁现在趁活着嘛 Surely you should sort the spirit out now while you're here.
受苦的是灵魂 遭罪的也是灵魂 This spirit is what is challenged, the spirit is what suffers all the knocks.
你应该学会控制灵魂 The spirit is the thing you've got to master.
要是灵魂能永生 干嘛不连肉体一块儿呢 If you are going to have an afterlife why not just have a physical afterlife?
化身成一对触手一双嘴唇 Just come back as a tentacle and a set of lips...
回来抱着巧克力狂干 looking for huge lumps of chocolate to *!%*?
这样不是更加滴... It'd been much more...
合理么 you know, reasonable.
其实这都是自己在跟自己拧巴 'cause the fact is, you prop yourself up with your compulsions all the time.
我就是挺拧巴一人 这我最近才发现的 I'm…I'm quite a compulsive person. I only worked this out recently.
我一边拧巴 一边又老拿不定主意 I'm compulsive but I'm also very indecisive.
我不知道自己要什么 只知道我现在就要... I don't know what I want but I know that I want it now...and...
我以前以为人家都这样 I thought for ages, you know, everybody was like this.
都像我这样每周有几天醒来 I thought everybody woke up a couple of mornings a week...
冲凉的时候发现自己带着手铐 in the shower with Marmite-clotted handcuffs...
事实并非如此 but apparently not.
当然有其他明智选择 You know, there are sensible choices obviously.
我不喜欢乱嗑药... I don't take loads of drugs...
嗑药很不好 'cause it's tedious.
一切都陷入循环 Everything becomes too routine.
嗑了药 九个小时在那儿 "嗯..." You take the drugs, you stay there for nine hours going: "nnnnnn"
"嗯..." 完了又得去买更多的药 Then you run out of "nnnnnnn" and you have to go and buy more.
这样无止无尽的循环 我真搞不懂 It's just this endless cycle of repetition. I don't get it.
人真是...对什么都能上瘾啊 And..um…you know, you can't...you can't… you can get addicted to all sorts of things…
除了水果 …except fruit.
我觉得耶稣对孩子们来说不是好榜样 But Jesus isn't a very good role model for children, I don't think.
跟谁学也不该跟这么鸡婆的人学 You know, they'd be far better of with somebody who's less whiny.
他没事儿就爱发牢骚 He did complain an awful lot, Jesus.
- "哦钉子! 哦酸酒!" - "你是救世主唉 忍着呗" - "Oh, nails! Oh, vinegar!" - "You're the messiah, get on with it."
"别抱怨了行不?" "Would you stop?"
孩子拿蝙蝠侠做榜样还差不多 Batman is a far more useful role-model for children.
他也是孤儿 却从不自怨自艾 He was orphaned as well…he didn't moan about it.
他去过西藏 做俯卧撑 He went to Tibet and did press-ups and things...
抢了火炬 回来装了个耳朵 with bunsen burners and came back and put on the ears and...
爬上屋顶从此万夫莫当 got up on the roof ready for anything...
这才是处理个人问题的样子嘛 dealing with his own personal issues.
哪像耶稣整天唠唠叨叨 Jesus moaned all the time.
你看他所有画像里都指指戳戳的 You'll see this in the pictures, pointing outside of the picture.
那些教堂神像都这么指着 In all the catholic iconography, pointing:
"我要那个! 他在吃啥? 上面有奶油唉 我也要嘛! 那又是什么?" "I want that one. What's he got? He's got cream on these. I want that. What is that?"
要不就怪别人"是他! 他伤害了我的感情" Or blaming people: "It was him. He hurt my feelings."
但是...唉...我刚想说别的转眼给忘了 But...anyway... Now…I meant to talk about something else earlier on and I forgot what it was.
后来我想起来了 结果又忘了 I've remembered what it is again but I've also forgotten.
真的 人老了难免会这样 And that's really what adulthood is like most of the time.
你花了很长时间走回房间 You know you spend a lot of time walking back to the room...
去拿你留在房间里的东西 好把它用在别的什么地方 to get the thing that you left the room so that you would go and use it somewhere else and...
在你回房间取这东西的路上 你不但 you're on your way back to the room to get the thing. You forget...
忘了要找什么连要去哪间房找都忘了 not only what it is but what room it was in and...
你面对着来自爱你的人的质问 you're faced with the people who love you looking at you going:
"你要干嘛? 你在这儿干什么?" 你说 "我不知道" - "What do you want? Why are you here?" And you go: - "I don't know."
你弄得经常会这样 You spend an awful lot of time like that.
孩子们就不会 And children aren't like that,...
所以他们看上去那么年轻 which is why they look so young.
他们总是神气活现目标明确 Because they always have a sense of style and purpose.
他们走来走去要干嘛都很清楚 When they're walking around they have a very definite purpose.
他们走啊走 走得也很好看 They're walking, walking and it's a great walk as well.
不是成年人那种七扭八拐 It's not an adult sort of bemused shuffle.
他们说"我要去那边" 你说"去那边干嘛呀" It's that: - "I'm going over here." You say: - "Why are you going over there?"
- "我有一只口琴" - "你要用口琴干嘛呢?" - "'cause I have a harmonica." - "What are you doing with the harmonica?"
"我要把它扔到马桶里" - "I'm going to put it in the toilet." And...
- "这是为什么呀?" - "问够了没有! 再见" - "Why are you doing that?" - "Enough questions! Goodbye."
孩子会表达自己 Because children express themselves.
所以看上去特别生龙活虎 That's how they look young and vibrant and alive.
所以我们都嫉妒他们 And why we all envy them.
等你长大后 有时候很不容易理解孩子 The child, you know, the children are...are… can be incredibly difficult to understand when you're grown-up.
你忘了你曾经也是个孩子 You forget that you were a child.
像哄小孩睡觉那么简单的事 Something simple like a child going to bed.
你说的是"睡觉了睡觉了睡觉了" You know, you say: "Bed time, bed time, bed time."
孩子耳里听到的可不是这样 That's not what the child hears.
他们听到的是"在黑暗里躺着!" What the child hears is: "Lie down in the dark!"
"躺好几小时" "For hours!"
"不许动!" "And don't move!"
"我要锁门了" "I'm locking the door now."
孩子当然不干啦 你只能做出让步 给他讲个童话故事什么的 So the child has trouble with that so of course you make a concession, you read a fairytale or something.
就是把全世界的智慧装进小故事里 You know, all the wisdom of the world compacted into little story.
你说"有个小女孩在离家很远的地方迷路了" And you say: "There was a little girl lost Many, many miles from home."
"很晚很晚还在森林里走" "Walking through the woods late, late at night..."
"森林里的动物都在树丛后呜呜地叫 脚步声从树根旁传来" "with the creatures all hooting and howling and the bushes around and stepping..."
"她来到一棵古老的树前开始向上爬" all over the roots of trees. And she came to the old sty and began to climb it..."
"结果树断了 是吧 树断了" "but it broke, you see, it broke..."
"她掉了下来" "and she fell down."
"她爬起来 结果毫发无损" "But when she got herself up she was alright..."
"终于看到家里的灯光了 她向家的方向走去" "and you could see the lights at home. And she began to walk towards home..."
"结果被什么东西吃掉了" "and then a thing ate her."
"晚安!" "安安" "Good night!" - "Night-night."
也许送孩子上床压根是因为说话说累了 You probably sent the child to bed because you were just tired talking to the child.
孩子问题很多的 知道吧 'cause the child asks you questions, you see?
一般生孩子最想做的 And this is one of the great things about having a child.
就是把世界介绍给他 You look forward to teaching this child about the world...
教他道理 and how it works.
可小孩...小...小孩...小人... But the child..child...children.. the child-ren...
小人...小人跟小孩差不多 就是肥点... child-ren are... they're like children but they're bigger and they're webbed. They...
他们对你眼中的世界丝毫不感兴趣 they're not really interested in your views on the world.
他们有他们自己的问题 You know, they have their own questions:
"梳子齿和齿之间的缝叫什么名字?" - "What is the name of the spaces in between the bits that stick out on a comb?"
"我...我不知道...说不清楚" - "I don't...I don't know. I'm not...I'm not sure."
"那水壶底下的这块又叫什么呢?" - "What do you called the place underneath the kettle?"
"不知道! 睡觉去! 睡觉去!" - "I don't know! Bed time! Bed time!"
可问题又来了 孩子要跟你睡一张床啊 But it's difficult. Children sleep in your bed.
据说这是育儿之道 This is part of having children.
说是小孩要跟大人睡一张床比较好 It's very important for a child's development to sleep in the grown-ups' bed.
这样对他们的骨骼成长有好处 Because their…their bones are growing in particular directions.
但事实是孩子其实可精明了 You see what happens is children are actually very sophisticated.
他们跟你睡一张床是有原因的 They sleep in your bed for a reason.
小孩生下来四处一瞧 心想 The child is born, it takes a look around and thinks:
"合着我就沦落到这种地步" "Well, this isn't quite what I'd hoped for."
"这帮人真他么傻B" "These people are idiots."
"要是我就不会把房子漆成这颜色" "I wouldn't have painted the house like this at all."
"不过既来之则安之" "But I've got to make the best of it so how do I..."
"我要抢占一切资源" "I've got to maximize my resources..."
"关键就是不让这些人再生孩子" "so the key thing is to stop these people having any more children."
他们就邮购了尿样洒在自己床上 So children get urine samples sent through the post and sprinkle it on their beds.
他们是大忙人 哪有时间自己尿床啊 They're busy people. They don't have time to pee the beds themselves.
然后就爬到你床上来了 And they crawl into your bed.
既然他们的骨头还没长好 那睡觉姿势自然也是千奇百怪 And because their bones are growing and everything they can only sleep in certain positions obviously.
十字架型和卍字型是最常见的 The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular.
有时两种一起来 Sometimes a combination of the two.
而小孩最舒服的姿势 就是把大脚趾盖儿 But the thing that really relaxes a child is to have their big toe nails
严丝合缝地顶在你的命根子上 lodged squarely in your respective genitalia.
这一晚睡得舒坦啊 That ensures a blissful night's slumber.
就这么着把房事给消灭了 Then the sexual kidnapping is complete.
"不许抱抱 不许亲亲" "No touchy-touchy, no kissy-kissy."
"你俩好好睡觉 明天还有好多问题要问呢" "You two needs lots of sleep. I have many questions for tomorrow."
了不起啊! Very important!
我们已经丧失了这种自然的童真了 But you lose so much of that natural, human panache that children have.
你让孩子去睡觉 他不愿意睡... You know, you tell the child to go to bed and it puts that against what it wants to do...
综合起来他会说"我恨你!" and synthesizes. And says: "I hate you!"
"我恨死你了!" "I really hate you!"
一边说一边用玩具大象挠屁股 As they're scratching their arse with a toy elephant. Now...
要是人长大后还能保持这种自我感 if you could retain that sense of self in your adult life
生活就会大不相同 you'd have totally different experience.
上班时跟老板说"我恨你!" 一边挠痒 At work telling your boss: "I hate you!" While scratching.
"恨死你了 每天都累得要死 我都不知道我还回来干嘛" "I really do. Everyday is the same !+$%$!# #%@@. I don't know why I keep coming back."
没法儿坚持立场 Difficult to keep a hold of though.
所以成年人常常陷入混乱 That's why adults are confused a lot of the time.
成年人就是彻底混乱的矬人 Adults are terribly confused, messed-up people.
因为他们太健忘了 That's because they forget really.
其实不用一直这么装嘛 其实你心里本来就不是大人 They don't have to pretend all the time. Really the fact is you're not an adult at all,...
就是个端着啤酒的高个儿孩子 you're just a tall child holding a beer...
跟人扯你毫无头绪的事情 having a conversation you don't understand.
中东问题..."我知道这太恐怖了 要我肯定不会这么干" The Middle-East... "Yeah, I know it was really bad. Yeah, I wouldn't have done that, yeah."
子宫切除术"痛着呢 肩膀这儿尤其痛" Hysterectomy... "Very painful. The shoulder is very painful area ..."
被威胁了 我被男人威胁了 其他男人 Being intimidated... I get intimidated by men, by other men.
刚说到学车 男人在酒吧就爱聊机器啦车啦 You know, we were talking about the driving lessons, there are guys talking in pubs about machines and cars.
整个社会文化就这样 There's a whole culture of that.
正说着怎么给汽车上闪亮亮的蜡呢 回头就问我 They're talking about the grenumbulator On their whinny wax on the car. And they turn to me and they go:
- "你开的什么车哪?" - "不知道 不过如果我要买车" - "What kind of car have you got?" - "I don't know but when I've got one..."
"一定会买蓝色的 咩哈哈!" "it's gonna be a blue one. Hahaa!"
男性总是互相威胁 互相竞争 Man are always intimidating one another, competing with one another.
可能更强势吧 They're more aggressive I suppose.
有人做了这么项研究 They did this…er…study actually...
芝加哥大学做的 针对女性 in the University of Chicago... with women.
他们发现女性很擅于识别男性脸部 And they worked out that women are incredibly good at reading male faces.
其实也就两种 一种是温柔感性的圆脸男 You know, there's two types apparently. There's a kind of round, soft, sensitive-faced person...
很容易相处 对你好 对家庭好 who's a good person to have around. And he's good for you, good for a family.
心地善良有爱心 Gentle and caring and can emphatize.
另外一种则有更... And then there's the other type which is more...
强壮的下巴 更男性化 小眼睛 kind of stronger jawed, more masculine looking...smaller eyes,...
我说的就是金刚啦 you know, King Kong is what we're talking about here.
有趣的是 女性偏偏就喜欢这种男人 And this...interestingly, this was the kind of male favoured by women
研究中称之为"简单关系" for what was called in the study 'brief relationships'.
这他妈的什么话! What the *!%* is that?
大家都不用把裤子脱到底时 有什么是简单的? When we don't have to roll your tights down the whole way. What is a brief relationship exactly?
你看我说这些事儿 说孩子说工作 Now I'm talking about all this obviously, I'm talking about children and all that kind of,
好像我就过着这样的普通生活 you know, jobs, mentioning these things to pretend to you that I have an ordinary life.
那是因为我心系群众 And this is because I'm…you know…relating to you...and you're ordinary people...
你们用敬畏嫉妒和饥渴的眼光看着我 looking up at me with a mixture of awe, envy and lust. And the thing is...
我的生活是很不一样的 我不能假装不是这样 my life is very different. I can't pretend it's not.
你们早上上班 去出版社什么的 You know, when you go to work in the morning and you're going to the newsagency...
午饭吃点薯片 抽支烟啃块石头 and everything to get your lunch of crisps and fags or stones...
随便什么你们这些人爱吃的东西 or whatever it is you people live on...
我很久没有住在房子里或吃东西了 You know, it's a long time since I has lived in a house or ate food..
我们这个时代所有的杂志和文化 You see, all these magazines because of the times we live in now, the culture...
名人八卦啦 这些造梦墙... you know…this celebrity stuff...all these... this wall of dreams behind you...
布拉德和安吉丽娜和我都高高在上 it's, you know, Brad and Angelina and me and everybody else up there...
俯视你们 让你们觉得愈发渺小 looking down on you, making you feel even more ordinary.
你们忘记了一点 我们都想成为你们 But what you forget is that we all want to be you.
我们都想生两三个小孩 家里谁都不跟谁说话 We all want to have, you know, 2.3 children and live in a house where nobody speaks to one another...
努力工作建设社会 and work in a building society or something.
我们彻夜不眠辗转反侧两只手打飞机 We lie awake at night tossing and turning, masturbating with both hands...
嘴里往外滚着限量版巧克力 with boutique chocolates falling out of our mouths,...
希望能跟你们一样住在维斯顿 (北伦敦地名) wishing we could be you living somewhere like Willesden. And...
对我而言更是双倍困难 因为我是爱尔兰名人 It's doubly difficult for me 'cause I'm an Irish celebrity.
这活儿不好干啊 That's very hard gig, you know.
都没剩下几个了 'cause not many people do it.
本来人就不多 还一个都不酷 There aren't very many of them... and none of them are cool.
你看看Geldof或Bono或者随便谁 装酷都不会啊 You look at Geldof or Bono or anything …they can't do cool.
要是让Bowie或Lou Reed上杂志 那当然好看啦 You put, you know, Bowie or Lou Reed on the cover of Time magazine...of course they look cool.
他们会这样那样地拗造型 'cause they can do all that stuff... all those looks.
这种脸表示"我看都没看见你..." You know, the ones that say: "I don't even know you're there..."
"看见了也假装不认识" "but if I did I'd ignore you."
"有人专程从别的星系飞来帮我挠痒痒" "I'm having people flown in from other galaxies just to come and scratch me."
爱尔兰人就没法这样 你这脸就摆在那儿了 You can't do that if you're Irish because you have a...the face.
爱尔兰人的脸看上去总是 You know, and an Irish face always looks like
像同时听到了两条重要消息一样 it's been told two very important pieces of information at the same time.
一边有人跑过来说 At one shoulder somebody's just run up and said:
"你刚中了一亿英镑和好多别的东西!" "You've just won a hundred million thousand pounds and loads of stuff."
另一边有人咬耳朵悄悄地说 And at the other shoulder somebody's just whispered in their ear:
"你只能活三分钟了" "But you only have three minutes to live."
所以大家看上去都这个德行 That's why everybody looks like this:
电视上那些政客看上去总是 All the politicians and everybody you see on television always...
像要马上从口袋里掏出个火腿三明治 look like they're just about to pull a ham sandwich out of their pocket...
还不是他们自己的 and it doesn't actually belong to them.
女士们先生们 上半场到此结束 Ladies and gentlemen, that is the first bit.
我要下去会儿 一会儿见 谢谢 再见 *中场休息* I'm gonna go away and I'll see you in a little… Thank you. Bye. INTERVAL
女士们先生们 再次热烈欢迎 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage
Dylan Moran! Dylan Moran!
你是模子! You're the man! (Heckle)
说得好 That's right. (heckle)
感谢分享 那么... Thank you for sharing. Now...
- 讲个段子吧! - 说什么? - 讲个段子吧! - Tell us a story! (heckle) What's that? - Tell us a story! (heckle)
感谢你所做的一切 - I appreciate everything you've done.
感谢你之前的努力 结果一定越来越好 I loved your early work, I think it's only getting better.
我刚才说到一半 So I was talking about something...
停下来了 and then I stopped.
你们也同意了...咱就搁那儿了 And you agreed...we left it there.
现在的问题是要再捡起来... But now, the thing is to get to it...
其实我想说的是... what I really meant say was...
你们中场休息都去买饮料去了 you know, you probably all went and got a drink and everything in the interval...
受自己欲望的驱使... and, you know, were propulsed along by your own needs...
去满足它们 having them filled.
人就是这样 比如... Which is what we do. Some people like...
有些人就喜欢用手机拍照片 some people are taking pictures on phones.
我不懂人们为何如此 I don't...why…why people do that…
也太奇怪了 It's very weird...
现在人人都这样 都爱拍照片 度假照片也是这样 Everybody does that now. We all take pic... you do the same with holiday photos.
记录下来就为了回过头看 You record something to look back on it.
拍照片的时候其实什么都没看到 Even though you're not really there when you're taking the picture...
忙着往相机里照呢 'cause you're too busy recording it...
回过头去看当时根本没注意的景色 so you retrospectively going to look back on where you weren't...
还告诉自己我玩得很开心 and tell yourself you had a good time. And...
度假照片不都这样吗 跑出去跑回来 but that's what holiday photos are, aren't they? You go away, you come back,...
你说 "看! 这是..." you say: "Look! It's..."
你给朋友看呢 "看! 这是我们耶" You show your friends: - "Look! It's...it's us."
"我知道" - "I know."
- "看! 我们在吃鹰嘴豆耶" - "真了不起啊" - "Yeah, but look, we're eating hummus." - "What a transformation."
- "愿你们玩得愉快" - "I hope you enjoyed yourselves."
因为你就是这么告诉自己的 这就是外出的收获 Because...you...that's what you're telling yourself. It's your reward to go away.
到了一年一度的旅游旺季 It's still the time of year people are going away.
其实也不轻松 麻烦着呢 And you can't really enjoy it. It's very hard anyway.
全世界只有一条航线 -- 不搭理航班 There's the only one airline servicing the world now - Air Denial...
人人登机后都假装是在咖啡馆 where everybody gets on and they pretend they're in a café...
试图不去想起脑中唯一的念头 where they're trying to shut out the one thought that has actually kidnapped their mind, which is:
"我们都要死了" "We're all gonna die."
你只能假装自己在咖啡馆里 机上的工作人员也配合你 And you pretend you're in a café and that's what the people are there, who work on the planes...
营造这种假象 are supposed to support you in this fantasy
一路上他们就问"您要红酒还是白酒" cos they come along and they say: "Would you like red or white wine..."
"来配您的月球硫化蜥蜴鸡巴?" "with your piece of vulcanized lizzard's *$*! from the moon?"
"再来一个面包卷来蘸水獭呕吐酱吧?" "How about an extra bread roll there to dip in your otter vomit paté?"
你说"红酒白酒啊 你要什么呢达令?" And you go: - "Red or white wine? What you're gonna have darling?"
"不知道 你喝什么呢?" - "I don't know. What are you gonna have?"
都是为了逃避你脑子里那个念头 All to shut out the one thought which is in your mind, which is:
"我们都要死啦!我们都要死啦! 我们都要死啦! 就现在!" "We're gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! Right now."
"飞机是金属做的 机翼是金属做的" "The plane is made of metal, the wings are made of metal,..."
"人人都在吃而我是唯一一个非恐怖份子" "we're all eating and I'm the only non-terrorist aboard."
"我们都要死啦!" "We're all going to die!"
说起来 飞行的唯一好处就是 And you kind of...the only enjoyable bit actually about being up there...
如果你有家庭 跟孩子一起乘飞机 is…is if you have a family… you're with your children...
就可以看到前几排跟曾经的你一样的年轻人 and you get to see the young person you used to be sitting a few rows ahead of you...
不停地转过头来一脸嫌恶的表情 who'll always oblige you by turning around and giving you that scowling look.
因为你孩子受气压作用 'cause your child reacting to air pressure...
正在自管自叫着"#%#@$%&" is expressing themselves by going: ".ablkasdkfjasdf.."
于是他们鄙夷地看着你 And they look around disapprovingly...
就好像想逼你说出 as though you're going to clock that look and go:
"对不起 我这就把他掐死" "Oh sorry, I'll slit their throat."
"您是商务人士嘛 大忙人啊对不?" "…after all you paid for business and you're a busy, busy guy, aren't you?"
你几乎是用这些东西支撑自己 You kind of prop yourself up with all those things,...
节日啦什么的 you know, holidays and stuff.
尤其在我们这里 人们一旦陷入沮丧 Especially in this part of the world. When people get depressed here
往往都不善于处理 they don't really handle it very well.
别的民族会干些有意义的事 In other cultures they do something useful.
雨中跳舞啦 互相扔石子啦 You know, they have a rain dance or they throw stones on one another or something.
可是这里的人要是生气了会说 But here, when people get pissed off they go:
"我受不了了 我再也不懂我的生活了" "I can't carry on, I don't understand my life anymore,..."
"我不知道自己在干嘛 我他妈的不行了! 我敢情要一事无成" "I don't know what I'm doing. I can't !+$%$!# handle it, I can't deal with anything..."
"玉米片也吃不下了 苍天啊到底发生了什么" "including these cornflakes. I just don't know what's going on."
"我...我真的不行" "I'm f...I can't do it."
"啊 妈的管他呢 我要买张CD" "Ah ah...*!%* it, I'll buy a CD."
"要买张CD 还有外套 你们都去死吧!" "I'll get a CD and a jacket! *!%* everybody!" But...
但由于你头脑不清心情不佳... because you're out of your mind, not feeling well,...
你会买些你根本不需要的东西 you go and you buy stuff you didn't really want anyway,...
什么《厄瓜多尔妇女民间合唱团 演绎Kenny Rogers作品》 you know, 'The Ecuadorian Women's Folk Choir Doing The Songs of Kenny Rogers'...
还买回来屎黄色胸口缀紫色纽扣的外套 and you bring it back, some canary yellow jacket with purple buttons up the front...
你看着这些东西心想 "这什么玩意儿?" and you look at this and you think: "What is the #%@@?"
"我脑子进水了吧?" "What was I thinking?"
于是你把它们送去慈善商店 So, you take it to a charity shop.
通常来说那地方是行善的衍生 That generally is the extent of our charity.
可扔的都是我们不需要不想要的东西 We give away all the #%@@ we never needed or wanted in the first place.
所以慈善商店总是洋溢着浓浓的忧伤 And that's why charity shops themselves have that incredible funk of depression.
那股子气味和里面工作的女人一样 都有一百零三岁了 That layered smell and all the women who work in there are a hundred and three.
早上上班去还只有二十岁 And...they were twenty when they turned up for work that morning,...
闻着那气味就老了 they just aged in the smell.
也许还是会有人跑到这些店里 Presumably as well there are people going into those shops as well who think...
看着那些旧货说"这个大提琴形状的" when they look at the stuff they go: "That mirror in the shape of a cello..."
"嵌螺钿的镜子真划算 你们还有吗?" "covered in seashells is a !+$%$!# bargain. Do you have any more of those?"
"有吗? 给我来十个" "Do you? I need about ten."
那你怎么摆脱这一切呢 怎样才能抛开一切呢 So what takes you out of that? What will get you away from all that?
抛开这些内心的纠结 All the interiority you don't need.
生个孩子就好办了 Children are very good actually for that.
教你认识世界 在你身上尿尿 Teaching you about the world. Peeing on you.
让你没法感伤和怀旧的办法 It's hard to feel sorry for yourself and your past...
就是大清早醒来有人坐你脸上... if you wake up with somebody sitting on your face...
嚷嚷着 saying:
"我饿了" "I'm hungry."
要知道 女人在生孩子问题上更加团结 But you know, you…women…women are more supportive of one another around children.
要是一个女人怀孕了 别的女人都会围过来聊天 If a woman gets pregnant, you know, other women pitch in and they sort of talk about it...
非常之和谐 可男人呢 要是谁快做爸爸了 and it's far more useful, you know, men, when men are about to have a child,...
如果身边有年轻的单身朋友 他们可帮不上什么忙 你知道 if they have young male single friends, they're not…they're not so good. You know this.
你的哥们儿过来站一圈儿看着你和娃娃 You know, your male friends arrive and they stand there and they look at you and they come and see the baby...
心里都不知道要咋办 and they don't really know how to deal with it.
他们没底啊 就会说 You know, they don't get it 'cause they go:
"我来了 你家这什么酸臭气味啊" "Well, I'm here, you know, your house is a medley of disgusting smells,..."
"又没东西吃 人人都穿着浴袍" "there's nothing to eat, everybody's wearing bathrobes,..."
"没有吧台 没妞给我泡 我来干嘛" "there's no bar, I can't *!%* anybody, why am I here?"
女人就要成熟许多了 Women tend to be more mature.
男人看见乳房的心态和 女人看见孩子的心态是一样的 You know, men look at breasts the way women look at babies.
"哇 好可爱啊" "Aww, isn't that lovely?" And they...
要是女人怀孕了 八竿子打不着的七大姑八大姨 if a woman gets pregnant all the women she's ever met in her whole life...
都会从各个角落冒出来支持她 will appear from all corners of the earth to support her...
给她讲从别处听来的关于怀孕的恐怖故事 by telling her horror stories of all the pregnancies they've ever heard about.
"你现在这样真是太好了 我好羡慕你处理这事的方式" "It's fantastic what you're doing. I love the way you're handling this."
- "肯定不会弄得像Michelle一样的" - "嗯? Mchelle怎么了?" "It won't be like what happened to Michelle." - "What? What happened to Michelle?"
"我说Michelle了吗? 哦我不是故意的 对不起 不用担心" - "Oh, did I say Michelle? I didn't mean to mention that, I'm sorry. Don't worry."
"她是个傻瓜 整天吃蔬菜喝白水" "She was a fool. She ate vegetables and drank water."
"孩子从耳朵里蹦出来了 你肯定没事的" "The baby came out her ear. You'll be fine."
"你绝对会没事的 啥事情都不会有" "You'll be absolutely fine. Nothing will happen to you."
"她现在不能坐下了 家里人都互相不说话" "She can't sit down now. Nobody in the family talks to one another."
"你会没事的 千万别担心" "You'll be fine. Don't worry about it."
男人总是会嫉妒女人 Men are...men remain envious of women,
不管女人怎么想 有时候男人还是想做女人的 despite what women think. Men…men would like to…to be female…sometimes.
可以更了解世事 更具有...更自由地 To understand things more…to have access… to have the freedom...
去问女人每天要问的问题 to ask these questions that women say every day:
"你干嘛把毛巾...湿毛巾..." - "Why did you put the towel…the wet towel..."
"扔浴室地板上? 就这么扔在那儿! 你是不是秀逗啦?" "on the bathroom floor? You left it there! Why did you do that?"
"我跟兄弟们已经讨论了几个星期了" - "Well, me and the guys were talking about it over a period of weeks..."
"躲在双层床上讨论的" "you know, in the bunker..."
"我们觉得扔地上最适合" "and we figured that was the best place for it."
"放厨房可不行啊" "It wouldn't work in the kitchen."
如今大家问的问题 The questions that everybody asks now are
其实就是大家互相问过的东西 the questions that everybody has always asked about each other.
现在还是经常听到 You know, you still hear all this stuff:
"女人到底要什么?"说得好像很神秘似的 "What do women want?" As though it's really mysterious.
好像有多大不了似的 As though it's a big deal.
女人要的和大家要的都一样 All that women want is what anybody wants.
友情啦 伴侣啦 尊重啦 You know, friendship and companionship and respect...
以及一定程度的征服感 and a certain amount of leadership with submission...
和一如既往的合作关系 and a kind of cooperation at all times...
加上未卜先知的理解以及... and pre-emptive empathy and you know,...
普通心电感应 小菜一碟吧? general telepathy. It's no big deal, is it?
可拿一样的问题问男人 And then when the same questions are asked of men.
"男人想要什么" 答案总是如此简单 "What is it that men want?" You're always told that it's really very simple.
基本上就是"内衣"... You know, something like "lingerie"...
要注意的是女人对男性内衣的需求量 Now historically there hasn't been a big demand...
似乎并没有那么多 for male lingerie from women.
主要是男人的命根子没什么文章好做 Because there's a limited amount you can do with male genitalia.
拿这种东西你能干什么好呢 There's a limited amount you can do with anything...
长得像从鲨鱼嘴里拖出来似的 that looks like it's hanging out of the side of a shark's mouth. And...
就算用丝绒礼服包起来都没用 it doesn't really matter if you put a velvet gown around it.
达不到那种效果 It's not gonna do the trick.
男人想要内衣就是为了... We're told that this is what…what...what men want - lingerie…you know...
让女人看上去像蛋糕一样 for women to look like cakes.
"你和我在一起 爱我 那是不够的" "It's not enough that you want to be with me and love me."
"你先要成为法国甜心" "You must first be a French fancy." And...
不过女人就不吃这一套 一般来说女人容易被制服吸引 Now women don't want that. Traditionally women have been attracted to uniforms.
所以想知道女人要什么一点不难 So it's not difficult to know what women want.
法西斯嘛 她们就喜欢这型的 Fascists - that's really what they're all after.
一说起这帮德国纳粹 Say what you like about nazi Germany
女人就来劲 They turned heads.
不管冲锋队去哪儿 Everywhere those storm troopers went...
经常可以听到"趁他没杀我们好好看两眼!" "Check him out before he kills us!" That happened a lot.
我想 异性恋者可能时不时会觉得 But sometimes I think it passes through the mind of heterosexual people...
搞基反而容易点 that it might be easier to be gay.
很显然... 'cause obviously…you know...
基本上... there's apparently...
不太... less...
额...不用负那么多责任 有时看起来是这样的 errrrrr….responsibilities outside yourself. That's how it would appear sometimes.
如果你是直的... And also…you know…if you're straight...
你生气了或者压力大了的时候 and you're pissed off or stressed out... what do you do really...
也就多吃块蛋糕 喝几杯不该喝的酒 you know, you have an extra piece of cake or a couple of drinks you shouldn't really have.
可搞基的就能去公共厕所里干陌生人 If you're gay you can go to a toilet and *!%* a stranger.
这不就把心里的纠结都释放了么 Now that's...that has got to work some of the kinks out, hasn't it?
完事儿了他想"嗯 现在可以处理邮件了" Afterwards he must think: "Yeah, I can deal with my emails now."
结果异性恋的就开始针对同性恋人的关系了 But because of that then you get straight people disparaging gay relationships...
说"这种在厕所里认识的能有什么意义" and saying: "Well, they can't be meaningful, you know, if they...you met in a latrine."
可这个国家乃至全世界大多数异性恋者 But most heterosexual people in this country and around the world...
互相看对眼 开始交往 meet each other and get together with one another...
都是在酩酊大醉的时候发生的 when they're totally, totally drunk.
大脑彻底停转... Smashed…out of their minds...
连自己的脸都不会写 they could not spell their own face. And they
就这么跟那人回家 处上几个月 go home with that person. You might spend months with that person...
或者一年 乃至建立家庭 or a year... or you might have a family.
就这么回事 就这么认识 This is what happens. This is how you meet.
但你喝醉酒绝不会去买面包机 But you wouldn't buy a toaster when you're drunk.
因为这事儿太重要啦 要烤面包刚刚好的那种不是? 'cause that's too important. It's got to be crispy in just the right way, hasn't it?
所以我常看见有些夫妇 I think that's why you see couples...
带着新生儿坐在咖啡馆门前 sitting with their new babies outside cafés and so on...
喝着茶 看着对方 看着推车 drinking tea, looking at one another, looking to the pram,...
瞪一会儿空气 再四目相对 looking into the middle distance and back to one another...
那是心里在想呢 because they're thinking:
"这他妈的怎么回事儿啊?!" "Oh…wh…what the *!%* happened?!"
"我只想喝几杯嘛 这人谁啊?" "I just thought we were gonna have a few drinks. Who's this guy?"
爱这东西非常神秘 And love is incredibly…er…mysterious as you know.
它仍然让大多数人困惑大半辈子 And it's still the thing that troubles most people for a lot of their lives...
当然最后多半也就想通了 until they work it out…and which you… you may do eventually.
你去听听饭店里情人间的对话 You hear the conversations in the restaurants, the lovers speaking to one another.
一百年不变 And it never really changes.
大家都是卯着劲儿互相比赛说我爱你 People compete with one another as they're telling each other that they love each other.
- "我爱你" - "我爱你" - "I love you." - "I love you."
"可我真的好爱你 我爱你啊" - "Yeah, but I really love you. I mean I love you."
"你二十年前嚼过扔掉的铅笔我也爱" "I love pencils you have sucked and thrown away twenty years ago."
"我爱你的眉毛爱你的祖先爱你的一切" "I love your eyebrows and your ancestry and everything about you!"
"吃你的饭让我爱你吧 闭嘴!" "Just eat your food and let me love you. Don't speak!" And...
他们所不知道的是所有这些对话 they don't know of course at the time that that dialogue is just...
都是叫"自然"的编剧写的 二流科幻电影台词 from a very bad science fiction film written by nature.
其实他们真正在说的是 Really what they're saying to one another is:
"人类要繁衍! 人类要繁衍!" "The race must continue! The race must continue!"
"我的擎天柱指着你的无底洞" "My vadudium is pointing at your phenungulator."
"人类要繁衍!" "The race must continue!"
他们处理的不好你四十年后再去看 And if they don't handle it properly you see them forty years later,...
回到同一家餐厅看同一对人 如果你有时间的话 the same people in the same restaurant, if you have the time...
你去就可以看到他们完全换了种交流方式了 you go there and you see them and they communicate on a different way now…
都中年人了 In middle age…
在某些文化里称为"无声" In some cultures it's called 'silence'.
除非他们说的我都没听到呢 Unless I'm missing something and they're saying a lot...
用叉子敲盘子当密码呢 with the fork hitting the plate.
这时眼神相交那就不是亲近了 是尴尬 And if their eyes do meet this time it's not intimacy, it's embarrassment.
男人嚼排骨的时候发出的声音 The man makes that noise as he chomps his chop...
那种喉咙口发出的可怕声音... in his throat…a kind of horrible sound… this…"Hhhmmmnnnngggg.."
听着像巴尔干诅咒似的 Sounds like a Balkan curse. And...
女人的鼻子里也不安静 哼.... the woman has her own noise of disquiet. The "hhhhhhmmmmmm..."
用叉子戳着色拉 As she's spearing her salad.
听着跟鸽子吃屎一样 Like a…you know…sounds like a dove having a dump. And then they...
他们回到家 往剃了多少年的床上一躺 (口误将share说成shear) they go home to the bed they've sheared for...
剃床...是一件很麻烦的事情 sheared...when you shear a bed it's a…its a difficult process.
你喝多了几杯 回到家有点... It…you know, when you go home you're a bit... had a couple of drinks...
床上都长羊毛了 你只能... and the bed's all wooly, and you have to...
只能把大剪子拿出来 and you have to get the clippers out.
"来来 不许动" "Here we go again. Don't move." And...
剃完毛就可以往上躺了 and when they've sheared the bed they share it...
开始在那儿大行云雨 这种默契 and they get in with... and they have real intimacy...
要很多年才培养得出来的 which takes years to achieve, you know...
跟不熟的人那是很难达到的 you're not gonna get it with somebody you don't know very well,...
根本没有"轻松做爱"这种说法 not that there really is such a thing as 'casual sex'.
这算什么 搞什么玩意儿 What is that? What is that supposed to be?
怎么轻松了 再怎么总要硬起来吧 It's never really casual. You always have to turn up...and the...
哪有什么轻松的 除非你俩都带着福尔摩斯帽子 it's never casual unless you're both wearing Sherlock Holmes's hats or something...
旁边堆着薯片 一人在吃煎蛋卷 and you're covered in crisps, one of you is eating an omelette,...
另一个做填字游戏 那才叫轻松呢 the other one is doing a crossword. Then it's kind of casual.
我说的是真正的亲密 I'm talking about real intimacy.
不折腾 不用"我爱你"来压你 When people don't mess around with all that manipulating the phrase "I love you."
人啊 一天到晚在说 "我爱你 我爱你 我爱你" People...you get this all the time: "I love you. I love you. I love you I love you..."
"给我烤个蛋糕 要不就滚蛋" "Bake me a cake or go away."
这仨字连孩子都会说 Children can master those three words.
"宝贝早饭要吃什么?" - "What do you want for breakfast, darling?"
"我要吃蜂蜜炸糖" - "I want sugar fried in honey."
"不行 只许吃水果 面包这些囫囵东西" - "No! You're having fruit, bread, wholesome things like that."
- "我爱你爸爸!" - "我也爱你" - "I love you, Daddy!" - "I love you too..."
"糖是吧? 马上来" "Sugar you say? I'll be right back."
有些东西真是喜欢不起来 I mean it's just hard to like certain foods.
看这个 我试着让自己喜欢上它 Look at this. I'm trying to addict to myself to it.
就是受不了 水果 It doesn't work for me...fruit.
就是上帝在显摆 It's just God showing off:
"看我知道那么多颜色" "Look at all the colours I know."
作孽啊! Horrible stuff!
要是人家上你家吃饭或度周末 You know, when somebody comes to your house for dinner or the weekend or something...
要是不带瓶酒或者巧克力 饼干之类的 and they don't bring a bottle of wine or some chocolates or biscuits or something...
等他们走了你肯定要背后骂 you %#%$! about that person when they leave saying:
"小气鬼 什么东西都不带来" "Mean *!#%%%$!**%*. Didn't bring anything."
从来不听见别人说"什么水果都不带" You never hear anybody saying: "They didn't bring any fruit."
"连个西瓜都不买 白让他们住三星期" "Not a single melon. We had them for three weeks."
"一个葡萄都不送" "I didn't see a grape."
没人喜欢水果 Nobody likes it.
所以超市水果摊旁都放镜子 That's why they put mirrors around it in supermarkets.
好让你看着自己想 You just catch sight of yourself and you think:
"妈的 我要死了 赶紧吃点水果吧" "Fuckit, I'm dying…I better eat some of this."
巧克力饼前就不放镜子吧? They don't do that with the eclairs, do they?
杯具! Horrible!
你也吃个 是不是杯具 You have one - confirm that it's awful.
瞧瞧 里头还有石头 要它干嘛 Ah, it's got stones and things in it. What is the point?
我刚说到哪儿了 What was I saying?
我真不记得说到哪儿了 我刚说啥 I have no idea what I was saying. What was I saying?
没关系 It doesn't matter.
反正说起来也没个完 说啊说啊说啊 But um...yeah, you know…it takes ages as well, it goes on and on and on.
啊 这个 那个 说啥呢 Now!...the…the…the…the…um…the other thing…you know…
我不知道 I don't know!
对 亲密关系 什么是真的什么是假的 Yes! Intimacy…and what is real and what is not.
叫我说啊 And I suppose…you know...
产生爱情必然要满足某些特定条件 the conditions have to be right of course for…for…for…for love to happen.
做女性要难多了 我跟你说 You know…it is much more difficult to be female, I grant you that.
她们的身体更复杂 Because the body's more complicated.
你要是身为女人麻烦事儿多着呢 You know, if you're born a woman all these things happen to you.
你得从婴儿到儿童到女孩到少女 就这么拉拉杂杂一大堆 You're a baby, then a child, then a girl, then a girl-woman and all these things are going on.
一生就像一出面具一直掉下来的歌剧 It's a constant opera with masks keep falling to the floor throughout your life.
"我是谁? 我不知道! 小心点我要发飙了" "Who am I? I don't know! Watch out I'm !+$%$!# nuts." And...
而男人呢 一生下来 一个手指着鼻子 If you're a male, you know, you're born, you have a finger up your nose...
一只手握着老二就这么长大了 and the other hand on your dick and you get taller.
真的就是这样 And that is really it.
想想真是不可思议 And it's fairly amazing...
那些可笑的禁忌 to think of the…the…the ludicrous taboos...
不让我们这些博学聪明能干的人们 that persist amongst us, informed, intelligent, able people.
了解生物学 一瞒就是好几年 Just from biology. For all these years...
如果你是个爷们 那对女人 it is still a difficult thing to talk about menstruation...
绝对不能提月经的事儿 with a woman if you're male.
这点你还是小伙子的时候就明白 And you find this out as a young man... very quickly.
你要是跟她们说 'cause you're talking to somebody and you're saying:
"听着 你在饭桌上刻的字我都没意见" "Listen…listen…I agree with everything you're carving on the kitchen table."
"真的" "I do."
"万分万分同意" "I really, really do."
"但你说你现在这种感觉 "But do you think it's possible you may feel this way...
"会不会是大姨妈快要...嗷嗷嗷!!!" "perhaps because of your per...aaaggghhh!!!"
朝你胸口来一脚以后就长记性了 That first high-kick to the thorax generally does the trick.
如果今后再谈到类似问题 If you address the subject at all thereafter...
就学会打哈哈了 it's always in the most feeble way. You go:
"对 对 我知道 没错..." "Yes, yes, I know, haha, yes,..."
"今天月亮好圆哪" "have you seen the Moon?" You don't...
有人说从古到今 And we're told and it's traditional...
女人总是追求完美 that things have to be just right for a woman...
尤其是关乎 for certain exchanges...
你俩之间的种种交流 如果你真心喜欢她 and acts to happen between you. If you care about somebody...
关心她 那一切都要做到完美 really, properly care…it has to be just right.
男人才不管那么多 他们直接上 You know…we're told that men don't need very much. They just...you know…they just appear.
任何敏感情况下他们也都照单全收 All circumstances are fine for any sensitive occasion.
但对女人来说就要完全符合要求 Whereas with women things have to be right.
人们通过不停地说"我爱你" 来向对方保证 You know, people are saying "I love you" all the time to reassure one another.
"我爱你 我爱你 我爱你" 在床上亲热时也说 "I love you. I love you. I love you." In bed as they're making love.
"我爱你 我爱你" "你床上怎么有火腿?" - "I love you. I love you." - "Why have you got ham in your bed?"
女人就会说这个 - "为什么?" - "我不知道 就在那儿了嘛" This is what women say. - "Why?" - "I don't know. It's there.
"你饿不饿? 饿不饿? 你不饿?" "Are you hungry? Are you hungry? You're not hungry?"
"你一会儿会饿的 放那儿了有备无患" "You might be hungry later. I don't know. But it's there. I'm prepared." And...
- "什么声音? 楼下什么噪音" - "没什么 我室友" - "What is the noise? There's noise downstairs." - "It's nothing. It's my flatmate."
"别担心 他听不见的" "Forget it. He won't hear anything."
"反正我之后什么都会告诉他 别担心" "I'll tell him everything later anyway. Don't worry about it..."
- "不 一定要开音乐" - "好吧! 天哪! 我爱你 我爱你" - "No, we must have music." - "Alright! Christ! I love you. I love you."
"好了吧" "瓦格纳不行!" "Now…there." - "Not Wagner!"
"感觉像是被侵略一样" "I feel like I'm being invaded."
"老天! 有什么关系吗?" - "Oh God! What's the point?"
"反正你也就躺那儿衣服都脱了 这还不容易" "You're just lying there anyway, you've taken all the lingerie off. This is too easy."
"你就不能躲床下放把火什么的" "Can't you hide under the bed and send up a flare or something."
"人家要玩游戏嘛" "This has to be a game for me."
去他妈的游戏 All these games.
多么恐怖 All the fear.
其实你爱别人反而很难说出口 Very difficult to tell some people you love them, of course.
如果你是个爷们就能难跟你爸说你爱他 Very difficult to tell your father you love him if you're a man.
- "我爱你 老爸" - "哦 好好 嗯嗯" - "I love you, Dad." - "Oh yeah…hmm…hmm…oh yeah…yeah..."
"钱够用不?" "You ok for money?"
"钱多得很 我只是想跟你说我爱你" - "I'm very good for money. I just want to tell you that I love you."
"哦 好好 我会转告你妈的" - "Oh…yeah…yeah. I'll tell your mother."
是吧 这不容易 You know, it's a difficult thing.
所以那些人在饭店里说的 So these people talking in the restaurant...
可能自己也不懂 要以后才会懂 maybe about what they don't really understand, will find out later.
经历过沧海桑田才能明白 With everything that happens to them.
许多许多年后他们再同床的时候 And when they go to bed at night years and years later
的确能达到真正的亲密 they do achieve a kind of real intimacy.
只有对最熟的人你才能说 But you have to know somebody very well to be able to say:
"我讨厌你呼吸的样子" "I hate the way you breathe."
"你干嘛非要这样吸气 听着像从额头冒出来似的!" "Why do you breathe like that? It sounds like it's coming through your !+$%$!# forehead!"
"我三十五年没睡着了!" "I haven't slept in 35 years!"
"你知不知道你到底有多胖? 你他妈的知不知道?" "Do you have any idea how fat you actually are? Do you? Do you have any !+$%$!# idea?"
"你不知道吧你? 你那张脸..." "No, you don't, do you? Because your little face…"
"就像小岛一样埋在褶子的海洋里!" "…is an island trapped in the sea of flab!"
"我本可一刀子戳死你" "I would stab you to death but I can't..."
"但我请不了两星期的假!" "afford to take the two weeks off work!"
喝杯茶什么解决不了 Nothing that can't be sorted out by a nice cup of tea.
最麻烦的是 实际上 But it is difficult. It is of course...
那些爱你的人 了解你的人 the people who…who…who love you, who know you...
才能伤害你 who can wound you.
这就是你最大的弱点 他们知道你的软肋 That is the terrible vulnerability. These people know how you…how you… how you work.
陌生人同事或者街上随便什么人 You can take all kinds of abuse from strangers or people at work or...
欺负你你都受得了 没关系 你可以一笑了之 people on the street. It doesn't matter. You brush it all off.
可了解你的人甚至不用脸红脖子粗 But you don't have to get rage or obscenity from somebody who knows you.
只需要在正确的时候说正确的话 They just have to say the right thing at the right time.
"你的鼻毛" "Your nosehair..."
"是灰色的" "which is grey..."
"掉我眼睛里了" "is in my eye."
一针见血! That'll do it!
我们都是 We're all...
很脆弱的 very woundable.
我们都想被好好对待 We all want a certain treatment.
都想听自己爱听的话 You want to hear things said in a certain way.
我听到过一个糟糕的故事 I heard a terrible story…
我都不知道还会有这种事情 I…I…I didn't even...I didn't think this kind of thing happened.
但确实发生了 But this happened…
这哥们认识个哥们 This guy knows a guy, it happened...
我认识的一哥们认识一哥们 the guy I know, knows another guy...
这事儿就是他的 我很受欢迎的 it happened to him. And..I'm… very well connected. And...
他告诉我这男人和人家在床上 he told me this man was in bed with his…with his person...and...
正亲热着呢 这女的叫错名字了 they were making love. And she actually called out the wrong name.
我都不知道会有这种事情 I didn't think that could happen.
居然会叫错名字 我一听到这事儿就想 She called out the wrong name. And when I heard that I thought:
"遇上这事儿还怎么恢复啊?" 'How would you ever recover from something like that?'
这人就完了嘛 You'd be destroyed!
可我后来发现 其实都不用叫错名字的 But then I realized, you know, it wouldn't even have to be the wrong name.
叫你的名字但语气不对都不行 Somebody could just say your name in the wrong way.
人人都想听到"哦 John!" Because everybody wants to hear: "Oh, John!"
可不想听到"John!" But you don't want to hear: "John!"
或者 Or:
"John?" "John?"
最糟糕的是迁就你安慰你"哼哼 John" But the very worst, you know, patronizing, comforting one: "Ohhoho, John."
这些事足以改变你的人生! These things can change your life!
女士们先生们 今天到此为止 Ladies and gentlemen, that is all from me.
感谢你们的光临 Thank you very much for coming.
很高兴跟你们谈话 晚安 I've enjoyed talking to you. Good night.
好吧 在说几句 Ok…you know..quickly 'cause...
你急着走哇? you've got to go. Hm?
听着 Listen, the thing is...
你生命中总有那么一刻 you will get to a certain point in your lives.
你要变老 You get older, you know.
你可能在哪里读到过 You may have read about it. And...
这国家的人老了都不成个样儿 people don't age well in this country.
看看他们 Look at them...
你看欧洲大陆那些人 来玩的观光客 You see continental people, tourists, they come around,...
穿着红黄运动服骑自行车到处跑 you know the people who are bicycling around in their red and yellow cagoules...
指着大教堂 pointing at cathedrals...
头发斑白 With springy white hair...
戴着无框 无镜头 无玻璃的眼镜 and rimless, lenseless, glassless spectacles.
玩得可欢实呢 吃只吃酸奶 Having a wonderful time… Living on yoghurt,...
回家还能做做爱 going home and having sex...
哪怕都有八千三百岁了 even though they're eighty-three hundred years old.
在英国和爱尔兰就不这样 It doesn't happen like that here, in Britainand Ireland.
人老了怎么看怎么不对 都蔫了 You see people aging. It's all wrong. They're wearing brown.
在公交车站弯着腰 They're at bus stops. They bend over...
拎着塑料袋 里头装半罐猫粮 holding a half a tin of cat food in a plastic bag.
谈着他们15年没见过的天气 Talking about the weather they haven't seen in the last 15 years.
叽叽咕咕 朝坟墓走去 Mumbling rubbish… getting closer to the graves...
离死不远啦 一脚就在坟墓里头啦 so they don't have that far to jump when it actually opens up.
整天死气沉沉的 Denying their vitality.
人不该这样变老 应该精精神神直到嗝屁 That's not the way we should age. You should be as alive as can until you're totally dead.
打起精神 笑傲全球 In all respects. In every sphere.
我想你们知道 It is...wait! I think you see...
这是个很时髦的运动 this is a popular movement.
当然这是很危险的 要小心行事 It is of course dangerous. You have to take advice.
不是光卖力就行了 You know, you can't be gung-ho about it.
如果你很老很老 别人也很老很老 If you're going to make love to somebody and you're very, very old and they're...
你们还想有性生活那可得当心了 very, very old you have to be sensible.
我虽不想说"上油" 不过总得提一句 It is...I hate to use the word 'lube' but I just have.
你要想象在英吉利海峡游泳 You have to pretend you're swimming the Channel.
人老了容貌变了 身体也变了 It's...look you change, you all... your body changes...
下面跟个火柴盒似的 it's a tinder box down there.
要是第二天早上床上两具焦炭那多惨啊 It would be a terrible way to be found the next morning - two charred skeletons
还是老汉推车式的 still smouldering in the wheel-barrow position.
谁愿意给人留下这种记忆 Nobody wants to be remembered like that.
都想走得受人尊重受人敬仰 You want to be remembered with affection... and dignity.
还得想到时候要说什么话 You might have to think about what you're going to say.
最好要说得一鸣惊人 You might have to say something quite good.
其实不一定 可能就说几句屁话 You probably won't. You'll say something rubbish like:
"咱这就算完了?" 这就算是遗言了 "Do you think this is off?" They'll be the last words you'll ever say.
或者更牛"大家看啊!" Or worse: "Hey everybody, watch this!"
但是 在你走之前... But before you do...
如果能找到分享一生之秘的人该是多么美好 it's great if you can meet the other person you're supposed to share this mystery with.
那个人一出现你就会知道 人们一般都能感觉到自己的真命天子 And you know when that happens I think. People know when that happens to them...
因为那个人总是在生命中特殊的时刻出现 because you often meet that person at a particular time in your life.
有时是你又穷又年轻 Sometimes when you're young and poor.
蜗居在某处 你俩都蜗居着 You know, when you're living in a room. You're both live in rooms...
还有些乱七八糟的 这不没钱嘛 where you have all your #%@@… 'cause you're poor.
穷的只能用蜡烛照明 你爬上楼梯 And it's lit by candlelight and you climb the stairs...
去到那个人家里 TA已经来过你家现在你去TA家 to that person's room. They've been to yours and now you're going to theirs.
动真情了... It's serious. And...
你站在那人的对面 一瞬间... you're standing opposite that person and there is a moment...
你明白你看到的不是 where you realize you're not looking at an expression of...
转瞬即逝的欲望或时间的流转 fleeting lust or some sort of passing of the time...
虽然旁边都堆着垃圾 you know…in the surrounding befuddlement.
你们突然理解了彼此 知道自己想跟对方共度此生 Where actually…you know each other… you know you want to be together.
你明白了以后 才发现这是多么美妙 And you realize it and it's an amazing moment when you...
对方在你面前款款褪下衣服... the other person's actually taking their clothes off in front of you...
发自内心地朝你微笑 smiling from the very middle of themselves at you...
说道"我想和你在一起" saying: "I want to be with you."
她的酥肩在玫瑰色的烛光下 And you're looking at them with their bare shoulders all shimmering in this...
闪动着光泽 roseate candlelight.
你明白 这就是你的唯一 And you realize this is the person for you.
这时 And then...
一个笼子从天而降! and then the cage comes down!
你妈从衣柜里跳出来 And your mother jumps from the wardrobe!
嘴里叼着一根雪茄 With a cigarillo pointing out of the corner of her mouth...
你一铲子把她结果了 and you kill her with a trowel.
女士们先生们 欢迎今晚光临 晚安 Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming. Good night.