Hello, my name is Sean Anders. Screenwriter and director of Sex Drive.
Hi, John. I didn't see you there.
- This is John Morris. - Screenwriter and producer of Sex Drive.
- Welcome to the unrated... - Uncircumcised...
...edition of...
...Sex Drive. - Sex Drive.
How many times has this happened to you?
You purchase an unrated DVD to view with your friends. Only with your friends...
Only to find that you got the same old movie with a few extra curse words,
and maybe an additional tit or two.
- What a jip. - And how...
Not this time.
That's right, John. On this unrated DVD we promise you,
the viewer,
a genuinely wacky, zany and unrated viewing experience.
- We promise... - Plus, we promise more tits.
Bare tits like these.
These tits are good.
Plus, more cock, like this.
That's good cock, John.
That's right, John, and that's not all, we promise lots of additional scenes,
takes and other bullshit that will make the movie way too long.
And this means a lower standard of filmmaking for you,
- the viewer. - The viewer.
So, if you've never seen Sex Drive before, please, for real,
do not watch this version first.
Watch the real theatrical version and then come back and watch this one.
Why?
Yes, because this version of the movie is going to suck.
Sorry, but I couldn't help but notice you. I have this exact same tribal tattoo.
Mine's one my... It's on my back.
But actually I have a town car outside if you wanna go see...
All right. Why don't you do one more?
We open up against Michigan in two weeks.
Coach's got me hitting the bench pretty hard.
Shit. How much is a lot?
One... No, two.
I'm putting up three hundy.
Well, let's see, Tasty.
Wow!
Um...
Wow, you're really pretty. I've never seen...
No, stop it, stop it.
Don't be so fucking desperate. Come on, be a dick. Be cool.
Don't be a pussy. Tell her she's an ugly skank.
Yeah.
Not bad.
I've seen better.
Yeah, whatever.
Coach's got us running two-a-days, so I gotta bounce.
Miss Tasty? How did you get here?
Shh!
Ian, wake up, faggot. Judge rolls in 20,
so if you want a ride to work you better get your poop in a group.
- Okay, I'll be right down. - No. Now, Clay Aiken.
- All right. - No, now, homo.
- Just give me a minute. - No, no, no, no. Now, sissy.
- Just... - No, now, chode-stroker.
Now, ball bag.
Hey...
- Ow! Cut it out. - Hurts, doesn't it?
Shut up! I'm trying to sleep.
Hey, Big D, sorry. Go back to sleep. You're golden.
- You, get your ass up. - Give me a minute.
What're you doing under there, huh?
What're you doing? You're firing off your skin pistol?
Come on, get up. What are you hiding?
You got a big fattie under there, don't you?
Yeah, you do. You're stroking it, too. What the F?
Your little brother's sleeping not ten feet away. Jesus Christ!
Good. My boys are all here.
- Dad, Ian's free... - Can it, Rex.
Your pop's got a bombshell to drop, so ears open.
Last night, your old man popped the question.
Show them, Karen.
I'm so happy.
Hey, way to go!
Ian, you wanna get off your duff and come over here and give Karen a hug?
Um...
- Yeah, Ian, come on. You're being rude. - Can we do that later?
- Damn it, Ian, get up... - No, no, honey. It's okay.
We have to give him time to get used to the idea.
Karen? - Are you okay?
Karen? Karen, honey? - You okay?
Sweetheart?
What smells like jizz?
Let's go! Kick it in the ass, dildo!
Come on, get in. Get in!
You suck!
Okay, seriously. Quit being such a fag and get in.
Never go down So let's get it up
Ian, I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want a straight answer.
- You queer? - What?
- God damn it! I knew it! - I didn't say anything.
Exactly. If someone asks you if you're a pole smoker,
you just deny it, straight off. No pause, no farting around.
Rex, I'm not gay.
- Dad thinks you're gay. - What?
- You're breaking the old man's heart. - No, I'm not. I told him I'm not.
Ian, you're 18, and you've never had a girlfriend.
That's how people wind up getting gay, you know.
I don't think that's really how it happens.
Is that not how it happens? So tell me how it happens, expert.
Fucking cock expert. Cockspert.
Hey, what do you like better, the shaft or the balls?
- That's gross. - You like them both, don't you?
It's like, sometimes like, Tuesdays you want the big, old fucking shiny-ass cock,
and Wednesdays and Thursdays you're on to the balls.
- I don't know why you're talking about it. - You can't choose, can you?
That's a tough one. You love it and you're obsessed with it.
No, you are. You keep talking about it.
Why're you smiling at me? I'm serious.
Don't fucking smile at me. You know I'll knock you out of this goddamn earth.
What does it taste like?
Like, right when you take your mouth off and it's like kind of
like you can almost see your reflection in that fucking cock.
Smack you in the face with it a little bit.
- You don't like that? - I don't eat...
Just cut. Just like, shiny fucking stiff, hot vascular mushroom head.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, every guy's got a fantasy about another guy,
but you got to bury that shit way down. This is America, God damn it.
There is... There is a girl that I've been kind of...
All right, I'm listening. Where'd you meet her?
On the... Online.
What? For fuck's sake, Ian, don't you watch Dateline?
She's probably a guy. Some fat old dude who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.
But you'd love that, wouldn't you? 'Cause you're a homo.
Hey, Ian. Try not to come home any gayer than you are now.
Seriously, though. You're a fag.
Hey, don't look at me like that. I'll punch you in the goddamn throat.
Hey
What's your favorite song?
Maybe we could hum along
Well, I think you're smart, you sweet thing
Tell me your name, I'm dying here
Got you where I want you
Yeah
- Hey, Becca. How are you? - I'm good. I'm fine. Whatever.
Hey, Becca. Looks like you had a long, nasty night.
- Ron and Ian want the four-one-uno. - Whatever. You guys are gross.
- I'm not gross. I didn't say anything. - Okay, who's going on coupon rounds?
- No, Becca, I did it yesterday. - Please, Ian.
I love you so much.
Hello. This is a coupon for six free... No? Okay. Sorry. Donuts? No.
- Six free donuts with the Bandito's Dozen. - Thanks.
You're welcome. Sorry.
Excuse me. Do you know where the Gap is?
- It's just past the movie theater. - Thanks, man.
Yeah, real funny.
Free donuts, free coupons.
Felicia. How's it fitting, hon?
Well, you look nice.
You know, sweetie, there's still time to have your boobs done
before my wedding.
Darren and I already discussed them, and he said he'd pay for it.
I mean, he's a dentist, so it's totally not a big deal.
Excuse me, do you have a pair of scissors?
Oh! Sure, sweetie. Do you have a stringie?
Oh, no. I was just hoping you could slit my wrists for me quickly.
My husband killed himself last Christmas.
I am so sorry. I was just...
Hello. This is a coupon for six free donuts. Donuts?
Oh, my God! You look so hot in that.
Hey, sweetheart, listen. Please don't take this the wrong way,
but your whole trying too hard thing,
it's just coming across as needy, you know?
And I think you're better than that, Kimberly.
- But all I was saying was that... - Shh! Let's see it in a large. Okay?
I mean, Christ, I'm out buying him clothes right now.
He's 18 years old. I don't have to do that shit anymore.
Look, Judy, listen, I'm sorry, I'm losing you. I'm going into a tunnel.
Well, it's official, Lance, your mom's still bat-shit crazy.
What? You're telling me she doesn't shit-talk me?
No, actually, she doesn't. She doesn't, ever.
All right. Let me give you some advice, Lance, all right?
Don't ever get married. Just an endless parade of horseshit.
And whatever you do, man, always wear a rubber. Christ.
Nice. Always classy.
Hey, come on, Lance, I didn't mean it like... Come on, dawg.
Hey, sir. I've got something yummy for your little girl.
Oh, my God. Excuse me! Sorry!
- Ian? Oh, my God, dude, what happened? - I don't know.
Is there a cock and balls on the front of me again?
- Like a little tree trunk. - Thank you.
Oh, my God.
- Whoa. You look pretty. - God, shut up, Ian!
What? I'm just saying, you usually dress so... You look nice.
Ian, why do you got to work the mouth when you talk to us?
- Yeah, Ian. - Sorry, it's a... It's a habit.
Hey, that girl you work with, Becca, you gonna bring her to my party tonight?
- Yeah, I asked her. She said no. - Good. Dude, she's totally wrong for you.
That's what you say about everyone.
She made you wear the fucking costume again, right?
- You know, I don't mind... - Dude, if you told her to fuck off,
she'd be two knuckles deep right now daydreaming about your big black cock.
Ian, do not listen to him.
Okay, girls want a nice guy who's gonna treat them well.
- Really? - Yes. Really.
Look, all I'm saying is everybody wants a challenge.
- Everybody wants... - What they can't get. I know, I got it.
Do you get it? 'Cause I mean, it feels like I'm teaching you to walk sometimes.
- That shit does not work. - It works on you.
No, it doesn't.
Felicia!
Balls! I got to go. Evil cousin's spending the weekend.
- Pretty cousin? - Ian, she's the anti-Christ.
- She's still super hot. - Fuck you, too. See you.
So what happened with Becca?
You been doing like I told you, being a dick?
Yeah, kind of. Being kind of a dick. I'd say... No, not really.
I mean, you know, I've sort of been practicing
your whole being-a-dick thing with this girl I met online.
- And I get it, but I just... - Thanks.
I don't think I could do that for real.
Dude, sure you can. I believe in you, you know.
You just got to stop worrying about being the good guy all the time.
I mean, okay, look at Andy and Randy over there.
You think they care what women think about them?
They could give a fuck.
- What's up? What's up? - What's up, what's up?
Hi. I'm collecting for the underprivileged children of Ecuador.
- Would you like to help? - Not really.
- We don't have any money. - No jobs.
You wanna party?
Um... I'm kind of working right now.
- When are you done? - Yeah, what are you doing after?
I have a church thing tonight.
- Kick ass, we'll come. - Yeah, where is it?
Is there gonna be more hot snatch like you there?
Those guys are total nards. They never get anywhere.
That's just 'cause they don't know how to close.
But they're ability to open is fucking heroic.
- Do you wear thong underpants? - Do you want us to take our shirts off?
- What color bra are you wearing? - Is your mom hot, too?
Are you into me?
- Where do you live? - What color car do you have?
- Where do you live? - What's your address?
- Do you want us to come over? - Do you like pizza?
We've been to a motel.
- Fuck off, donut. - Rex, it's me.
What the fuck is this all about?
I broke the key off of our locker. I couldn't get my clothes out.
Stow that shit in the trunk. Christ, you look like a Mexican butt-hole.
You suck.
Becca? Hey.
Wow, I didn't know that you were coming over.
Cool. I didn't even know that you knew where I lived. I mean...
- Yeah, I do. - Yeah.
- So... - Oh! It's a funny story. I broke...
I broke my key off and Ron let me borrow the...
Anyway, so this is great. You changed your mind.
Now, the party, it doesn't start
- for a few hours. - Actually, I was wondering if Dylan's here.
- Dylan? - Yeah. Is he here?
- My 14-year-old brother Dylan? - Yeah.
Nice underpants, Ian. - Snap! Dang, that was funny.
You know he's 14, right?
Laura, Cindy, this shit is totally gratuitous. I love it.
- Hey, congrats. Good to see you. - Hey.
Is this the plan?
Ian, dude, there's like 80 wet chicks here. Get off your wallflower ass.
- Are you smoking cigars now? - Yes.
- Hey, Lance. Tight party. - Okay, rude.
You can see I'm having a conversation here.
Now, I'll be with you in a few minutes, okay?
- Thank you. - We're sorry.
- Don't apologize to her. - I'm sorry.
Don't apologize to me.
Hey, I'm gonna go see who Felicia's talking to.
No, dude, forget Felicia, okay?
I know you guys are BFF and all that shit,
but tonight's about getting that dick a little daylight.
Hey, Lindsay, sweetheart, where you going?
Come here, we're not done. Get in here.
- You know my boy Ian? - Yeah. No. I don't know.
- You used to be on my paper route. - Okay, sure. My mom likes you.
Fucking A your mom likes Ian. Look at him. He's a big, bright crimson king. Right?
You know what else?
Ian is a bust-ass virgin.
I'm so sorry.
Don't let that deter you from fucking him.
Yeah. No, I'm pretty stoked. I got into the University of Wisconsin,
and I'm gonna go for veterinary medicine, 'cause that's where...
- Are you gonna go to college? - University of Boulder.
It's a great party school.
You know, I read that they have a really great astronomy program.
I don't know if that's what you're going there for or...
Because it's really high elevation, and you can see the stars really well...
Planets.
Wow! A little tip action there. That's really suggestive.
I'm not saying that you're gonna do that on my, well...
You can just stick with my finger if you want 'cause this feels great, so...
You're really good at that. That's really wet. Two...
Ian! Dude! - I'm... Could you excuse me for a second?
Hello. Hello?
- Hey! - Hey! What up?
- What are you doing in there, man? - What're you doing out here, man?
- I asked you first. - Nothing.
No, I just... I spilled beer on my shirt, so then I had to...
- I thought you had, like, a girl in there. - Yeah, right. I wish.
So, okay. So, are your parents, like, still going
to Dylan's motor-cross thing this weekend?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all take off in the morning.
Okay. Awesome.
'Cause my evil cousin is driving me nuts, so, I don't know,
you think, like, maybe I could hang at your place this weekend?
Yeah. Yeah, like a sleepover or something. It'll be fun.
Oh, my God! Thank you so much. Hey, I have a secret.
- Okay. - But it's like a girl secret, so...
- Can you handle it? Are you sure? Okay. - Yeah.
Hey, Dibits, fuck off.
Okay, so I... Oh my God, this is so lame.
- Look at you acting like such a girl. - I know, I know. Okay, okay. Here it is.
I have a crush on someone, a boy, a guy.
Yeah? Well, who is it?
Come on, you know me better than anyone. I bet you know who it is.
Come on, guess.
Um...
I think I know.
I'm kidding. Oh, God! I got you. You're so easy. You're so easy!
- You're my best friend. - I know, and you're my best friend.
That's why it's funny that we would kiss, because we wouldn't.
So who is it? Who's the lucky caballero?
Um... Nobody.
- Nobody? - I... I was kidding, too.
- That is funny. - It's hilarious.
- That is so funny. - That is so funny.
Oh! I...
- You got... - Yeah.
- All right. So... - Hey!
Okay.
Harsh.
Well, come on, Ian.
You know what? I'm good. I'm just gonna...
Ian, come on, baby. Don't be shy.
No, thanks. It looks like you got your hands full there, so...
Sure you don't want to get in on this, bro?
No, thanks, man.
It looks like you fellows got it all under control.
So I'm just gonna skedaddle. You all take care now.
Lindsay, say hi to your mom.
All right. See you later, buddy.
Ian. Dude, where you going?
Shit.
Hey, Goldie, scoot over.
- Hey, babe, you wanna party? - I'm at a party.
You should pee on us.
Why don't you take a picture, Ian?
Yeah, and post it on Totalfuckingawesomeness. com.
Backslash-we-rule!
Where'd you come up with that?
- Hey, can I ask you guys a question? - You just did.
- Can I ask you another question? - You just did again.
- What's up? What's up? - What's up, what's up?
Nice hair. It'll look even better in my crotch.
- Dude, where you going? - Come on.
What's going on? Something troubling you? Be a buddy.
- I'm... All right, all right. - You got to get over the monkey.
Where do you guys get the confidence to, like, hit on every girl you see?
- 'Cause we're the shit. - Yeah, you oughts to know that, bitch.
- So where's Felicia? - Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.
- She's in... - Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?
We're just friends.
- I'm uncircumcised. - Yeah.
- I'm into you and I'm hard. - Yeah.
- Hey, I was born to fertilize. - Yeah.
- I'm a firefighter. - Fuck off!
Wait, I thought you took her to prom.
Yeah, but it was a just-friends kind of thing.
You should bang her. We would.
Dude, we would bang her so hard.
We would take that ass and just...
Yeah, tell her we'll bang her for you if you're not into it.
Yeah. Hard.
- With our dicks! - Yeah, our dicks are huge.
You could see them from space! What's up?
- What's up? - Hey, do you have a phone number?
You don't. Okay.
I'll call you from nationals.
Say it. - You're my little donut girl.
- Bye, sexy. - Yo, Ian.
- You want to smell my finger? - Yeah, okay.
Are you sure you got the right hole?
Kids.
Awesome.
Hmm... '69.
Whoa.
Don't puss out. Be cool.
I don't know.
That is a long drive, my sugar biscuit!
Sugar biscuit? God, I suck at this.
Holy buckets.
She wants me to give her the D.
Well, honey
What ya got, Mr. Mans?
I got a lot of money
I don't see no keys in my hands
I just wanna nasty girl
Now tell me, is that nasty girl you?
Do you like what you see?
Could you be my nasty girl and let me do that dirty dance with you?
I can love you long time
I like 'em all in shapes and sizes
And it don't make no difference to me
If you're short, tall, big or small Long if there ain't no big surprises
Chances are you'll suit me to a T
Love beef.
Terry, phone call.
Dude, weren't you in my gym class? What is it? Egan?
Yeah, yeah. Hey, Jordan.
Right. Whatever, scrotch. You can't get your fist pregnant.
Russ, man, check it out. Yo, look who's buying jimmys.
You want these gift-wrapped, Egan?
Just ring it up, man.
Karen, let me have that for you.
Dad, what did you do with my helmet?
Ian, honey, I made you some tollhouse cookies.
I'll just leave these here for you.
I'll get them later.
There's $40 in the cow for fun money,
so be safe and sorry I didn't knock.
Anytime. It's your home now.
Oh, dear.
- Dude. - Hey.
What is going on with you? You bought rubbers?
- How did you know that? - It's on Russ Miller's blog.
Jesus! That was, like, 11 minutes ago.
What's the deal? Dude.
She wants me to meet her tonight at the Big Boy in Knoxville.
This is a fucking written invitation to your dick from the Internet.
Oh, Jesus.
Seriously, dude, pack your shit. We're going to Knoxville.
No. Stop it. Put these back.
This is the type of girl who has...
She has it shaved into a landing strip.
I can't deal with a landing strip.
Okay, dude, you don't know that. I mean, she could have anything under there.
There could be a little Hitler or just a full, nasty Chewbacca.
But I'm guessing this chick is baby fresh.
You know, she doesn't even want me. She wants him.
I'm sorry. This is good. This is fine.
I mean, that looks like you. Like the eyes.
Tasty's probably a guy, anyway.
Maybe. But what if she's not?
You know, I mean, look, you've already opened, and I could help you close.
We just need one thing.
Ian, just look at this. I mean, you roll up in a '69 GTO,
she's gonna drop an egg right there in the Big Boy parking lot.
Hey, Ian, come give me a hand with this.
Here. Strap that end down. Tight.
- The cord's too short. - Put a little sack into it, powder puff.
- All right. Thanks, little brother. - Yeah.
- Hey, Ian. - Yeah.
Did I hear something about you wanting to borrow my car?
No, no, it's fine. Thanks. Thank you.
You sure?
You're my little brother, Ian. All you gotta do is ask.
Okay.
Could I use The Judge this weekend?
Fuck-stick, I wouldn't let you drive The Judge if it was parked on my shnuts.
Let's go, Dad. - What a dick.
You should take his car just on principle.
What do you want me to do, you know?
I mean, I doubt I can hot-wire it, since I don't even know what that means.
What are you doing?
No. Lance, no! Put it back. Did you just hear him? Please.
Come here, we're gonna have a talk.
She's only nine short hours away, okay?
We're gonna head down there tonight and you're gonna put a dent in that shit.
Ian's gonna treat it like it's meat that needs tenderizing.
With his dick instead of a hammer.
You can pound it till it bleeds.
Yeah, it's just a fucking girl's mess, and then we're gonna be...
- What're you doing? - Still rolling.
Who's gonna pound on it? Say it. Ian's gonna pound on it.
We're back tomorrow before Rex even knows the car is gone.
Now, listen, these girls at Madison are gonna be fucking at a college level.
I need you ready for that.
Wait! Put it... Put it back.
Back here.
For God's sake. You two rump rangers couldn't wait five minutes?
Shit.
- Shit! - Fuck!
I told her she could stay here this weekend.
Dude, what the hell? Why are you driving Rex's car?
I thought me and...
- Are you bitching out on me? - No.
- No.
Good. Well, then where are we going?
Um... Knoxville, Tennessee.
Okay. I'm gonna go tell my mom.
Okay. Are you gonna... Awesome.
Dude, what the fuck?
- I don't want her along. - Really?
You don't want to bring Yoko on your sex trip?
Yeah, no shit. She's always cock-blocking you.
No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...
Okay, twat blocking.
Professor.
When will you be coming back?
No, tomorrow.
When? - No. Bye! God.
You guys drive safe now. Bye!
So, what's in Tennessee?
My grandma has got some cancer.
- Grammy K? - She's fine.
She's gonna live forever. Well, a long time.
It's, you know... I mean, what is it called?
- It's foot cancer. - She's got a little foot cancer.
She'll be hopping around in no time.
So what's she doing in Tennessee?
Oh! Um... Well, there's this kick-ass cancer center there.
- Yeah. - Yeah, it's like... It's famous.
- Yeah. - So if you ever get any cancer,
you should totally check it out.
I would.
So you want I-80 East and then 65 goes all the way through Indiana.
- So how's it feel? - What?
I don't know, breaking the rules, talking some shit, driving The Judge?
It feels pretty good.
I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw
I'm in the prime of my life
Let's make some music, make some money Find some models for wives
This is our decision To live fast and die young
We've got the vision Now let's have some fun
I said, yeah, yeah, yeah
This dude wants to race.
Let's go, ladies.
Lance! Cut it out! Come on, you don't know who's in there.
Dude, I don't care if fucking Steve McQueen's zombie corpse is in that car.
I refuse to be embarrassed by a car that looks like a Trapper Keeper.
I am not racing in my brother's car.
Holy shit.
What the hell is that?
Looks like a Nachos BellGrande.
And a chalupa!
Medium Coke!
Go right!
Turn the wipers on! - They are on.
They're not working!
Please, don't yell at me. I'm doing the best I can.
- Winnebago! - Where?
Winnebago! Winnebago!
Oh, my God, are you all right?
Yeah, nobody offer to help. I got this under control.
- Are you all right? - Do I look like I'm all right? Fuck!
You know what might make you feel better? Putting 40 on pump two.
Hey. You okay in there?
God damn! My back teeth are snorkeling.
Sweet relief.
You got the shy bladder?
- Yeah. - Damn.
Paruresis. That's what they call it.
Let me tell you something. I didn't catch your name.
It's Ian.
Let me tell you something, Ian. I had it something fierce.
You can do it, Ian. You can do it.
Go running down by your sister.
Excuse me, ma'am, that was my pump.
Yeah? You move your meat, you lose your seat. Hmm.
Logan, do not eat that. You will fuck up your appetite!
Damn.
Listen, Reba.
If you value the rest of your teeth, you will shut off that pump.
So I tells my daddy, "You know what? You're not the boss of me.
"Not you, not Angie," that's that girl I was telling you about.
"And sure as hell not this bladder of mine."
Well, he looked at me, and you should have...
Ian. Where you going? Don't give up.
Jesus. I've been pissing for an hour.
- Another one for the collection. - Cool. Thanks.
What?
It's okay, Brandy. It's okay, baby, don't cry.
Lance, what are you doing?
Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself,
because I'm just trying to show another human being a little compassion.
And my dick.
It's okay, baby. Just let those tears fall.
You know why? 'Cause our love will dry them up.
Love will keep us alive. Just like that song. You know that song?
That's our song now. That song represents our bond.
Don Henley's words represent our love.
What have you got?
Hey, kid, where you from?
- I'm from Chicago, I mean, outside Chicago. - Are you two married. No?
- No, we're just friends. We're amigos. - You make a good couple.
She's pretty. Marry that girl.
See my lady and I here, we've been married forever.
And I tell you she was gorgeous.
The first day I saw her, I said, "This is gonna be my wife."
And you know what? It happened.
I tell you, that was a very good year for corn.
Made lots of money.
I fixed my 4X4 and bought my lady a sexy French lingerie.
Boy, those were the best six bucks I ever spent.
You kids want to help yourself to a can of Purple?
- Purple sounds great, Ian. Purple? - Yeah, I can go...
Say, the boys still hanging?
- You ever had a peppermint fatty? - No. Let's have that.
See how that shoe fits.
Oh my God. Do you have a degree in this?
You know that thing, when runners say they break the wall?
You know, and it's all good after that?
I feel like that when my dick's in your mouth.
It actually says Purple Soda.
Bad boy.
You like him, don't you?
- What? Who? - Lance. I mean, he's the crush, right?
Oh, yeah! I like Lance, 'cause he's so hot.
I wanna have his baby, he's... Whatever.
Brandy! - Uh-oh!
Brandy! Shit.
- Howdy. - Howdy.
Mr. McBroom. Ma'am. Where the fuck's Brandy at?
- You ever hear of a rolling brown-out? - No. Let's try it.
You bleach that.
Wait. No, no, no, no! Nothing brown! Nothing brown! Nothing brown!
What're you gonna do? Hit a girl?
No, but I'm gonna pummel his ass real good.
There you go. There you go.
Hey!
I have to go to church.
Come on, baby! Open the goddamn door!
All right, this is not what it looks like. It was a project for school.
Purple Soda!
Wiener!
Ow!
There you are.
Come on, come on. I do not want to die naked.
Fuck you! Motherfucking son of a bitch!
Get on your feet, you motherfucking pussy!
I'm gonna ask you this just one time. Did she give you the nugget?
Hey, hold on!
Come on, man, she's not worth it.
She's just gonna shit all over you. Trust me.
- She touch your butthole? - No, no. Jesus, no!
- Let's see! - I thought she was a man. I'm gay.
I'm gay as hell.
Eat bat, dickhead!
Holy shit!
Ian just killed that guy.
Sir? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Are you all right?
Look, I have my insurance card. I'm sorry. We're from out of town.
I couldn't see you through the corn. I'm sorry.
Where the hell's the road? - It feels like left.
I told you we didn't have time for this,
- but all you care about is your stupid dick. - Ian.
And you leave us out there with her mom's weird soda.
- Ian. - And her dad's balls in plain view...
Ian, Ian, whip a shitty!
Motherfucker!
Holy fucking shit! That's how you do that!
Oh, my God, Ian, amazing driving. Lance, you suck!
Where the hell are we? - Where are the Google maps?
- They're in my pants. - Which are?
In the trailer.
Mmm-hmm. Great.
Shit. I got gum in my bush.
Hey, pick this guy up. Maybe he can show us back to the highway.
- Ian, do not pick up a hitchhiker. - Don't worry, I won't.
No, no, no.
Oh, my God.
Hey! Thanks for the lift, man. I've been out there for hours.
Not one car. Can you believe it?
- Listen, sir, we didn't... - You're good people.
- Guy, you're not wearing any pants. - Yeah, I know.
Right on.
Let's go. We better go.
Hey, you got my stuff.
Hey, real quick, guys, what's the story of the girl?
- I'm 25 years old. - I don't know what he's talking about.
I got nothing. There's no bars. You know, it probably just needs water.
Got any in the trunk?
Hey, sweetheart, men are talking. We got this one.
Yeah, thanks, but this happened to my brother's car once
- and you just piss in the radiator. - Really?
Yeah.
Oh, God! Damn it!
- Are you okay? - Fuck. Yeah.
That's a lesson learned.
You can watch, if you're into that kind of thing.
Wow, thanks, but I think we've all seen your dick enough for one day.
Do you hear that? There's a ringing. - Your loss. It's like razor blades.
What? There's ants down here. FYI.
All right, you're up. Grip it and rip it.
Okay. Go away.
Dude, seriously? Still? I thought you got over this shit.
You're a grown man.
Flowing river, gentle stream. Flowing river, gentle stream.
- Yo, stage fright, how're we doing? - Damn it, Lance, just give me a minute.
Excuse me. We kind of need you to pee in the radiator.
- Why? - We just do.
I'm sorry. I just took a squirt a couple of minutes ago.
You want me to shit in it?
- We'll get back to you on that one. - All right.
- I'm telling you, I could shit right now. - Awesome.
Our new friend's got nothing left in the tank.
What?
No. Guys, come on. I don't have the aim that you do.
Every drop helps so much.
Hey, look what I found in my bag.
Thank God.
- No! - What the fuck are you doing?
You all just wait 20 minutes and I'll top it off for you.
Could be ten.
Fine, fine. Okay. But if any of you pervs peek,
I swear to God it will be your last conscious act.
Shit.
You kids need some help?
Hi.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm great. I just beaved a family of four.
Try it.
All set?
Look, I'm sorry, sir, but we can't give you a ride.
I'm gonna say this once.
You unlock this fucking car, or God is my witness,
I'll stake you all to the ground,
cut you open and let the dogs get at you.
Oh, yeah?
Bye-bye.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
What happened? - It's stuck.
Uh-oh.
That didn't work out like you planned, did it?
You know what? Mostly I'm disappointed. It shows zero character.
I know, I'm sorry.
And you're a dick.
You're a dick. You know what, ma'am? You're a dick, too.
- Here's that pee you ordered. - Roll them up.
- There you go, Tex. - You're soaked with pee.
Quick car wash?
- God! - Gross.
It smells like beef jerky. You know?
It's just got like that sour sweetness.
How can nobody go down a road for an hour and a half?
Why did they even make this stupid road?
It's so hot out here.
Ow!
Oh, my God, your head. Wait... Does it hurt? Let me see.
Yes. It hurts.
- What is that? - Oh, my God.
Wow.
That is so beautiful.
Need some help?
- Yeah, but no offense... - Right, 'cause I'm Amish,
so I wouldn't know anything about your '69 GTO Judge.
455 Big Block, Ram Air. 4-11 posi, something like that.
Weird, that thing must have fallen straight from space.
Well, good luck with the future ride, spaceman.
Hey, dude, wait up. Hold on.
Wow!
Okay.
What are you doing? Whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Leesh, that's a bad idea.
- What? - Come on.
You don't know how far we have to walk. Those are your only pair of shoes.
You know what? You're probably right. God, you're so sensible.
But maybe I should? Or maybe I shouldn't?
I should.
I can't believe you just did that.
So he met this chick on the Internet, which is sketchy.
The Internet?
Yeah, it's like a series of computers that are connected through...
Computers?
A computer is like a big calculator, you know, with the screen.
I'm just busting your balls, man. I know what the Internet is.
- Okay. - You ever heard of Rumspringa?
Yeah, that ska band from Delaware.
No, it means "run wild." It's an Amish tradition where when we turn 16,
we can go live like you heathens for a while.
You go nuts, party for months or years till your folks start hassling you,
and then it's back to the Stone Age.
But if you're on Rumspringa, what's with the buggy?
Oh, no. I'm not. Not anymore.
I probably shouldn't even be talking to you but...
I'm a little bit of an Amish floutlaw.
- Sometimes I just miss the world. - What do you miss the most?
You know, I miss sarcasm. It's mostly lost on my people.
Oh.
And gambling. Went to Vegas once. And buttfucking.
Have a lot of nice memories there.
I hear that. - Oh, yeah.
Buttfucking.
Wait, are we talking about dudes?
- No. - Okay. Then yeah.
I mean, unless that's what you're into, and then, whatever.
- It's not. - No?
No.
- Not into dudes. - No, no, no, no, no.
- How old are you? - Old enough.
How old are you?
This is gonna happen.
It's gonna happen whether you fight it or not.
So I kind of want you to fight it.
Cut.
- All right. Now you. - No way. Forget it.
Dude, you never do anything crazy. Ever.
Hey! I'm driving halfway across the country to go to...
To visit your grandma? Whoa!
So anyway, we're there and she's like...
Oh, yeah.
Like, she won't stop crying.
- That's the funniest thing, too. - I know.
I know, I was with this stripper in Vegas, and I was like, "you want this?"
So she's like, "Yeah, I want it, I want it."
And I was like, yeah, this gets hotter by the second.
"What're you crying about?" She's like, "...wanted to be a doctor."
And I'm like, "Yeah, you're a fucking Ph.D. of cock."
- Yeah. - Yeah, exactly.
And then coercing my load out on to the crying face.
Vegas in general is just... Good times.
You can get a blowjob for $10.
Or for free if you meet the right girl and tell her "I'm on Rumspringa."
"What is this blowjob that you speak of?"
"Your techno music beguiles me."
Let me put it in your butt.
You know, when you cut your foot on a piece of glass,
- don't think I'm gonna carry you. - You know what? I will be fine. Okay?
- I was born barefoot. - Hey! Wait!
Hey! Stop!
Have a nice walk, shit-birds.
Oh!
Hey, Ian, Felicia, this is my boy, Ezekiel.
What up, English?
There's no service out here.
- I can't even tell her I'll be late. - Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting.
You don't want to come off as desperate.
I'm driving nine hours. How am I not coming off desperate?
- We had shit to do. - Uh-oh! See that creamy stuff?
You blew your head gasket. That's not good.
- Shit. - Don't cry. We can fix it.
- Really? - Yeah, really. We're good at it.
- Yeah? - Yeah. I didn't mean to undersell it,
but it's an impressive thing.
- Yeah. We'll fix it. - Wow, that'd be cool.
Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it? I might be the coolest guy you ever met.
- Wow. - Wow.
- Thank you. - Yeah. You're welcome.
That's what you say when people do nice things for you.
You know, there's a pretty big shindig shaping up next door
if you guys want to hang there while we work on it.
Take it easy while we do all this for you.
- Does he have an attitude? - No, he's fucking with you.
Okay.
Just relax, man. I got a good feeling about this, you know.
You're gonna party with the Amish.
Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be one kick-ass quilting bee.
What's up, man?
- Hey. - No f-ing way!
When I'm home alone I just can't stop myself
- This is insane! - I know.
Signing off, " I'm all right in bed, but I'm better with a pen"
I'm all right in bed, but I'm better with a pen
The kid was all right, but it went to his head
Thank you, guys, very, very, very much. You guys fucking rule, man.
Dude. Don't even bother. Your game is not gonna work on that girl.
What do you know about girls? I've never even seen you with a girl.
I'm gonna go check on the car.
Yeah, fuck it. Let's dance.
- Bite me. I'm not your consolation prize. - Come on. Don't be hating.
Fine.