FROM COME COMEDY CENTRAL'S
WORLD NEWS HEADQUARTERS IN
NEW YORK, THIS IS THE DAILY
SHOW WITH JON STEWART.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: OH, WELCOME TO THE
DAILY SHOW!
I'M JON STEWART.
BOOM!
MY GUEST TONIGHT, AMY
SCHUMER!
AMY SCHUMER IS GOING TO BE
HERE.
I FORGOT-- LET'S BEGIN
TONIGHT, WE'RE VERY EXCITED
BECAUSE WE'VE GOT GOOD NEWS.
THE CALIFORNIA DROUGHT IS
OVER BECAUSE LAST WEEK A
SPECIAL GROUP IN CALIFORNIA
MADE IT RAIN!
>> BIG STOP ON THE MONEY
TRAIL IN THE RACE FOR THE
WHITE HOUSE.
THE KOCH BROTHERS HOSTED
FIVE CANDIDATES OVER THE
WEEKEND AT A BUSINESS
CONFERENCE IN SOUTHERN
CALIFORNIA
>> THEY'RE SPENDING THEIR
TIME PITCHING TO WHAT'S BEEN
CALLED THE KOCH PRIMARY.
>> Jon: THE KOCH PRIMARY?
(LAUGHTER)
THE KOCH BROTHERS HAVE
PLEDGED TO GIVE ALMOST A
BILLION DOLLARS TO BUY THE
NEXT ELECTION.
MEANING FIVE OF THE TOP
REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES WERE
HAPPY TO COME ON DOWN FOR A
CHANCE TO GOBBLE SOME KOCH.
NO, TED CRUZ, CARLY FIORINA,
SCOTT WALKER, JEB BUSH AND
MARCO RUBIO, WORKED THE
TALKING POINTS AND CRADLED
THE SPECIAL INTERESTS IN THE
HOPES OF ONE OF THEM AFTER A
PERIOD OF WHAT MINUTES TO AN
HOUR WOULD INDUCE THE MONEY
SHOT.
AND REALLY, THEY DIDN'T CARE
WHICH KOCH WENT OFF.
TO BE FAIR THOUGH, THAT'S
NOT REALLY WHY THEY WERE
THERE.
>> IN THE END, MONEY DOESN'T
WIN ELECTIONS.
IDEAS DO.
I WISH THE WHOLE WORLD COULD
SEE WHAT GOES ON HERE.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: OH, I THINK WE SEE
IT.
AND I THINK IT LOOKS A
LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
YOU KNOW, I WONDER, I WONDER
WHAT WRY COMMENTARY THE
SPIDER WHO LIVES ABOVE
THE PIG WOULD HAVE IF HIS
RATHER CORRUPTING
PICTURE-- OH MY GOD, OH, SHE
COULDN'T TAKE IT.
CHARLOTTE!
OH SWEET CHARLOTTE!
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DIE OF
NATURAL CAUSES, YOU KNOW,
UNDER A SHOE OR-- AT THE
BUSINESS END OF A ROLLED UP
NEWS MAGAZINE.
BUT THE GOVERNOR FROM
WISCONSIN MAKES A GOOD
POINT.
THOUGH THE WORLD
SHOULD SEE WHAT GOES ON AT
THESE CONFERENCES, WHY
HASN'T THE WORLD BEEN MORE
AWARE OF WHAT GOES ON AT
KOCH EVENTS?
>> FREEDOM PARTNERS FOUNDED
BY THE KOCH BROTHERS
NORMALLY CONDUCTS ITS SUMMER
CONFERENCE IN SECRECY.
THIS YEAR IT'S A LITTLE
DIFFERENT.
THEY ARE LETTING US LISTEN
TO SOME OF THE GOP CANDIDATES.
>> Jon: OOH, YES, NOTHING
SAYS FREEDOM PARTNERS LIKE
OCCASIONALLY, PARTIALLY
PULLING BACK THE VEIL OF
SECRET PRESIDENTIAL FORUMS.
YOU KNOW, I FELT THE SAME
WAY WHEN I WAS INVITED TO
COVER THE AMERICAN LIBERTY
PATRIOT CONFERENCE.
I JUST SAID-- YEAH, THERE
YOU GO.
(LAUGHTER)
DARK, QUIET, FED ME THROUGH
MY ANUS.
OF COURSE WE ALL KNOW
FREEDOM HAS ITS LIMITS.
WHEN ONE OF THE ACTUAL KOCH
BROTHERS SPOKE TOW FORUM,
THAT WAS EMBARGOED AND NOT
ALLOWED TO BE FILMED BECAUSE
FREEDOM.
(LAUGHTER)
>> CHARLES KOCH ONE OF THE KOCH
BROTHERS SAID AND I WANT TO
READ THE QUOTE HERE TALKING
DIRECTED TOWARD THIS COUNTRY:
>> Jon: WAIT, THE
BILLIONAIRE LEADER OF THE
SECRET POLITICAL MACHINE
WARNED A TWO-TIERED SOCIETY
WHERE WE'RE-- I GET IT.
SHE'S READING THE WRONG TONE.
IT ACTUALLY WENT LIKE THIS.
PEOPLE, WE'RE HEADED TO A
TWO-TIERED SOCIETY!
THAT'S DESTROYING TUNE FOR
THE DISADVANTAGED AND
CREATING WELFARE FOR THE
RITCH!
CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU DID IT!
WE DID IT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SO A TINY NUMBER OF PEOPLE
HAVE A DISPROPORTIONATE SAY
ON WHO GOVERNS THE REST OF
US.
I MAY NOT LIKE IT YOU MAY NOT
LIKE IT BUT AT THIS
POINT THE BILLIONAIRE
PATRONAGE SECTION PROCESS
IS AN ACCEPTED FICTURE OF
OUR ELECTORAL PROCEDURE.
>> ALMOST EVERY ONE OF THE
PRIMARY CANDIDATES HAS A
BILLIONAIRE AT HIS BACK,
WHICH MEANS THE LIFE OF
THEIR CANDIDACIES IS NOW
DIVORCED FROM THEIR ABILITY
TO DIRECTLY RAISE MONEY FOR
VOTERS.
>> Jon: FINALLY!
A DEMOCRATIC SYSTEM THAT
REMOVES A CONNECTION BETWEEN
ELECTIONS AND VOTERS.
(LAUGHTER)
OUR POLITICIANS WILL NO
LONGER BE BEHOLDEN TO BIG
CITIZENS.
(LAUGHTER)
SIMPLE TIME MANAGEMENT.
YOU CAN SPEND ALL YOUR TIME
COLLECTING $2 FROM MILLIONS
OF PEOPLE OR A LITTLE TIME
COLLECTING BILLIONS OF
DOLLARS FROM ONE GUY.
BY THE WAY, THESE ARE
VERY GOOD GUYS.
>> THIS ORGANIZATION IS
SUPPORTED BY PEOPLE OF GREAT
ACCOMPLISHMENT, AND
INTELLECT.
>> DAVID AND CHARLES HAVE
KIND OF HARNESSED THAT
FRUSTRATION AND SAID INSTEAD
OF JUST BEING ANGRY ABOUT IT,
LET'S DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
>> I'M HONORED TO BE HERE,
TRULY HONORED TO BE HERE, I
APPRECIATED THE INVITATION.
>> THE MEN AND WOMEN IN THIS
ROOM SPILLED GALLONS OF
BLOOD, SPENT THEIR FORTUNES
RETAKING THE SENATE.
>> YOU SINCE HAVE MET THE
REAL DAVID KOCH, WHAT IS HE
LIKE.
>> HE IS SITTING RIGHT
THERE.
BUT EVEN DAVID, IF YOU
WEREN'T THERE, I WOULD SAY
GOOD THINGS.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: YOU SEE, THESE
CANDIDATE GOES OUT TO A
BILLIONAIRE CONFERENCE
BEGGING FOR MONEY.
THEY WIND UP LOOKING LIKE A
BUNCH OF PUPPETS.
TRY FINDING A REPUBLICAN
CANDIDATE WITHOUT WILL TELL
YOU THAT.
>> DONALD TRUMP TWEETING OUT
I WISH GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF
THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES
THAT TRAVELED TO CALIFORNIA
TO BEG FOR MONEY, ETC,
FROM THE KOCH BROTHERS.
PUPPETS?
QUESTION MARK.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: WHO IS THIS TRUMP
FELLA?
I LIKE THE CUT OF HIS JIB.
WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK INTO
THAT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THE
PROGRAM.
I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT MY
WEEKEND.
I WAS GOING TO TALK ABOUT
PIE WEEKEND.
I GOT HOME FROM CHURCH
AROUND 3:00.
OR YOU KNOW, WHATEVER TIME
IT IS THAT CHURCHES LET OUT
AND MY KIDS WERE IN THE TV
ROOM WATCHING FOX NEWS
CUZ, YOU KNOW, I
DON'T HAVE TIME TO TEACH
THEM MORALITY.
AND I WALKED IN ON THIS.
>> JON STEWART SECRET
MEETINGS WITH PRESIDENT
OBAMA.
>> TRIES TO EXPLAIN AWAY HIS
BRO-MAN'S WITH BARACK OBAMA.
>> DOES THIS DENT HIS HALOA
BIT?
HE HAS BECOME MORE AND MORE
AND MORE A TOOL, REALLY, OF
THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION.
>> IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S
GETTING SPUN LIKE EVERYBODY
ELSE.
>> IF YOU SERVE A POLITICIANS
IDEA LOGICAL AGENDA, YOU ARE
A PROPAGANDIST.
>> Jon: HEY, THEY'RE TALKING
ABOUT ME!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: THIS IT SO EXCITING.
I'M GOING TO BE FAMOUS!
(LAUGHTER)
HEY, YOU KNOW, ONE THING I
SAW IN THAT WHOLE REPORT
THERE IS THEY DIDN'T SEEM TO
SUPPORT THEIR ASSERTIONS
WITH EVIDENCE.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU LIKE TO NAIL ME AS A
PROPAGANDIST.
YOU COULD HAVE JUST SHOWN A
CLIP OF ME SHAMELESSLY
PIMPING FOR SOME SIGNATURE
POLICY LIKE OBAMACARE.
>> WE'RE GOING TO DO A
CHALLENGE.
I'M GOING TO TRY AND
DOWNLOAD EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE,
AND YOU'RE GOING TO TRY AND
SIGN UP FOR OBAMACARE AND
WE'LL SEE WHICH HAPPENS
FIRST.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: I WON'T MISS ME.
(LAUGHTER)
A BIT OF A DICK.
BUT OKAY, THAT ONE DIDN'T
WORK OUT.
BUT TO YOUR POINT OF ME
BEING AN ADMINISTRATION
STOOGE, MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE
DONE THIS, OKAY, DEMONSTRATE
MY CONSISTENT SUCK UPITUDE
WITH THE PRESIDENT THAT IS A
WAY TO MAKE YOUR CASE, THAT
IS A WAY TO DO IT.
>> JON STEWART NOW MOCKING
PRESIDENT OBAMA OVER THE
LIBYAN ASSASSINATION
SITUATION.
>> SEBELIUS WENT ON JON
STEWART, GOT DESTROYED BY JON
STEWART GRILLING NANCY PELOSI
ABOUT THE BOTCHED HEALTHCARE.GOV
ROLLOUT.
>> JON STEWART MOCKING THE
OBAMA RE-ELECTION.
>> JON STEWART GOES SOUR ON
PRESIDENT OBAMA.
>> EVEN JON STEWART HAS BEEN
HAMMERING AT THIS.
>> EVEN JON STEWRT.
>> JON STEWART WENT AFTER
PRESIDENT OBAMA.
>> EVEN DAILY SHOW HOST
STEWART.
>> EVEN COMEDY CENTRAL'S JON
STEWART.
>> IF HE HAS LOST JON
STEWART-- I'M JUST SAYING.
>> Jon: WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
WHAT HAPPENED!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
LOST JON STEWART.
BY THE WAY, HOW OFTEN DOES A
DUDE HAVE TO CRITICIZE THE
PRESIDENT BEFORE HIS NAME
LEGALLY CHANGES FROM EVEN
JON STEWART TO
UNSURPRISINGLY JON STEWART.
(LAUGHTER)
ALL RIGHT.
NONE OF THAT STUFF WORKED IN
PROVING IT, BUT THAT'S NOT
THE END OF YOUR SEARCH HERE,
HOWARD AND OTHER GUY WHOSE
NAME ESCAPES ME ON THE SHOW.
HERE'S WHAT YOU COULD HAVE
DONE, OKAY.
TO PROVE IMPROPER COLLUSION,
FIND A MEMO FROM ME TO THE
PRESIDENT GIVING THE
PRESIDENT ADVICE ABOUT MY
AREA OF EXPERTISE,
COMMUNICATIONS.
LIKE ME ADVISING HIM THAT
AMERICANS WILL ONLY BE
PATIENT WITH THE WAR ON
TERROR IF THEY ARE CONVINCED
THE PRESIDENT IS USING THE
HARSHEST MEASURES POSSIBLE.
(BLEEP) THAT WASN'T ME, ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY, THAT WAS FOX NEWS
CHAIRMAN ROGER AILES TO
PRESIDENT BUSH.
I'M SORRY.
NO-- THAT IS THE BALANCE
PART.
I SHOULD HAVE WATCHED
REHEARSAL I-- OVER AND
OVER AGAIN, I WRONGLY
BELIEVE THAT I AM HELPING
HOWARD KURTZ WITH HIS CASE
AGAINST ME AND YET I
APPARENTLY SEEM TO BE DOING
THE OPPOSITE.
I HAVE GOT ONE.
OH, THIS ONE, IS GOING TO
BLOW YOUR MOTHER [BLEEP]
MIND.
THIS ONE!
THIS ONE, FOX, THIS ONE IS
GOING TO MAKE YOUR CASE DEAD
TO RIGHTS.
OKAY.
IMAGINE ME ON AIR BEING
TAUGHT BY A DEMOCRATIC
OPRATTIVE AS TO THE PROPER WAY
TO FRAME AN IMPORTANT ISSUE,
NOT TO CLARIFY THAT ISSUE,
BUT TO GIVE IT A DECIDEDLY
ADVANTAGEOUS PARTISAN SPIN,
THIS WILL BE GOOD.
>> YOU CALL IT A PUBLIC
OPTION.
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WOULD
SAY IF YOU CALLED IT THE
GOVERNMENT OPTION, THE
PUBLIC IS OVERWHELMINGLY
AGAINST IT.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S A
GREAT POINT AND FROM NOW ON
I WILL CALL IT THE
GOVERNMENT OPTION.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, NO, NO,
WAIT.
OKAY, THAT'S [BLEEP] UP,
THAT GUY IS A TOOL, THAT
DOESN'T MATTER.
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S NOT LIKE ANYBODY IN A
POSITION OF EDITORIAL OR
MORAL AUTHORITY AT FOX WAS
CAUGHT IN THIS DAMNING
POLITICAL COLLUSION BY AN
ASTUTE MEDIA CRITIC.
>> BILL SAMMON FOX'S VICE
PRESIDENT AND WASHINGTON
MANAGING EDITOR ISSUED A
MEMO TELLING THE TROOPS
LET'S NOT SLIP BACK INTO
CALLING IT THE PUBLIC
OPTION.
PLEASE USE THE TERM
GOVERNMENT RUN HEALTH
INSURANCE OR WHEN BREVITY IS
A CONCERN, GOVERNMENT OPTION
WHENEVER POSSIBLE.
>> AND THE TROOPS FELL INTO
LINE.
>> Jon: [BLEEP] I'M JUST
PLAYING AROUND WITH YOU
GUYS.
YOUR HYPOCRISY ISN'T A BUG
IN THE FOX MODEL, IT IS THE
FEATURE.
YOUR JOB IS TO DISCREDIT ANY
SOURCE OF CRITICISM THAT
MIGHT HURT THE CONSERVATIVE
BRAND, BY ANGRILY HOLDING
THEM TO STANDARDS YOU
YOURSELVES JETTISONED IN
YOUR NEWS NETWORK'S MISSION
STATEMENT.
BUT I WOULD BE HAPPY TO
LISTEN IF YOU MAKE AN ACTUAL
ARGUMENT.
MY HUNCH IS THIS SHOW HAS
BEEN HARDER ON THE OBAMA
ADMINISTRATION AND THIS
PRESIDENT PER CAPITAL
THAN YOU EVER WERE IN
YOUR EIGHT YEARS OF BUSH
FINGER BANGING.
THOUGH, I IMAGINE YOU WON'T
GET AROUND TO VERIFYING THAT
SINCE YOU ARE PROBABLY STILL
WORKING ON GETTING BACK TO
US ABOUT THOSE 50
FOX LIES IN SIX SECONDS WE
TOSSED UP AWHILE AGO.
OH.
AND ONE MORE QUESTION, HOW
THE MOTHER [BLEEP] TASTE
-- ADDUOUS, MOTHER [BLEEP]!
WHOOO!
BOOM, BOOM --
>> JON, JON!
>> Jon: WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT?
>> JON, WE HAVE THREE MORE
SHOWS LEFT.
>> Jon: [BLEEP] HOT, HOT,
HOT, HOT, HOT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: WELL COMPANY BACK,
MY GUEST TONIGHT, VERY FOND
OF HER.
THE STAR OF AMY SCHUMER ON
COMEDY CENTRAL AND HER NEW
MOVIE IS CALLED TRAINWRECK.
>> OH MY GOD, HE'S CALLING.
>> WHY WOULD HE CALL YOU,
YOU JUST HAD SEX.
>> IT'S PROBABLY A MISTAKE.
>> HE'S BUTT DIALING YOU.
>> HELLO?
>> HEY, THERE.
>> THIS IS AMY.
I THINK YOU BUTT DIALED ME.
>> NO, NO, I DIALED YOU WITH
MY FINGER.
>> WHAT DID SAY?
>> SHHH.
>> HE CALLED ME ON PURPOSE.
>> HANG UP, HE IS OBVIOUSLY
SICK OR SOMETHING.
>> YEAH, WHAT'S UP.
>> I WAS CALLING TO SAY I
HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME LAST
NIGHT.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU
WANTED TO HANG OUT AGAIN.
>> WILL YOU SAY THAT AGAIN
PLEASE?
>> I WAS WONDERING IF I
COULD SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING
TO CALL THE POLICE.
(LAUGHTER)
PLEASE WELCOME AMY
SCHUMER.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I WAS TRYING TO GOAD
THEM.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
>> Jon: I WAS GOADING THEM.
>> THAT WAS [BLEEP] AWESOME.
>> Jon: IT WAS FUN.
>> WE WERE GOING NUTS IN THE
GREEN ROOM.
>> Jon: WE HAVE A NICE SHOW
HERE, WE DO IT ALMOST EVERY
DAY, FOUR DAYS A WEEK.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HERE,
YOUR LAST WEEK.
THANK YOU.
>> Jon: THANK YOU.
AND YOU KNOW, LET ME TELL
YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
AND I FEEL LIKE I CAN OPEN
UP TO YOU.
>> OKAY, THIS DIDN'T LEAVE
THIS ROOM.
>> Jon: I'VE BEEN BANGING IT
OUT 22 MINUTES A NIGHT, FOUR
DAYS A WEEK, AND I DON'T
THINK ANYBODY CAN KEEP UP
THAT KIND OF PACE.
>> NO.
>> Jon: IT IS WONDERFUL TO
SEE YOU HERE.
YOUR MOVIE IS RIDICULOUS.
YOU KNOW, YOU AND I TALKED
ABOUT, YOU KNOW, I FEEL LIKE
YOUR COMEDY IS INFORMED, IT
COMES FROM A PLACE OF REAL
INTENTION AND A SHOW LIKE
THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN SO GOOD
FOR YOU BUT I HADN'T SEEN
YOUR MOVIE AT THAT POINT.
[BLEEP] A.
BOY, DID YOU MAKE THE
RIGHT-- YOU'RE LIKE AN
ACTRESS STAR [BLEEP] WHAT?
>> WHAT?
>> Jon: YOU KNOW THAT.
YOU KILLED IT, YOU KILLED
IT.
>> JON!
>> Jon: NO.
>> NO.
>> Jon: PUT IT ON THE
POSTER.
I DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT AND
OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS
A HORRIBLE THING BUT WHEN
YOU, THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING
AND WHAT A GREAT EXPERIENCE
FOR YOU.
BUT THIS CRAZY SHOOTING THAT
HAPPENED.
THAT MUST HAVE ROCKED YOU TO
YOUR CORE.
>> MAN, WHAT A BUMMER.
I WAS, LIKE LEGIT
HEARTBROKEN.
JUST TO GET THAT NEWS.
I GOT A CALL.
AND I HAD A LOT OF MISSED
CALLS SO I ASSUMED THERE WAS
A SEX TAPE OF ME OUT OR
SOMETHING.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> AND THEN, AND I WAS KIND
OF PREPARING FOR THAT AND I
WAS LIKE, AND THEN TO HEAR
THAT NEWS, IT BROKE MY
HEART.
>> Jon: DEFINITELY.
>> IT WAS SO HORRIBLE.
I DID A PRESS CONFERENCE
THIS MORNING WITH SENATOR
SCHUMER WHO I'M RELATED TO.
GIVE IT UP FOR CHUCK.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Jon: AND YEAH, IT'S LIKE,
IT WAS LIKE-- .
>> Jon: AND THIS HAS DRAWN
YOU IN NOW.
BECAUSE I KNOW THERES WITH A
WOMAN FROM SANDY HOOK WHO HAD
REACHED OUT TO YOU TO SAY
HEY, IS THERE ANY WAY YOU
COULD MAYBE TAKE UP SOME OF
THIS.
AND YOU REACHED BACK OUT TO
HER AND SAY.
>> I'M ON IT GIRL, YEAH.
THE SECOND THIS HAPPENED,
YOU KNOW, YOU WANT TO ACT.
I WANTED TO GO DOWN THERE
AND DO WHATEVER I COULD.
AND SO YEAH, THIS HAS BEEN
IN THE WORKS.
AND I WAS SO HAPPY HE
INVITED ME TO BE A PART OF
IT.
>> Jon: I WISH YOU WELL.
>> THANKS.
>> Jon: IN THE WHOLE
ENDEAVOR.
BUT THIS, FOR YOU, LIFE IS A
BIT OF A ROCKET SHIP RIGHT
NOW, I WOULD ASSUME.
MY CHILDREN, CERTAINLY,
WALKING AROUND THE HOUSE
SINGING MILK MILK LEMONADE.
AROUND THE CORNER--
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: FUDGE IS MADE.
>> YOU KNOW THAT IS A
EUPHEMISM.
>> Jon: I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
BUT WHAT'S THE-- ARE YOU IN
THE STRATOSPHERE NOW, I SEE
A PICTURE OF YOU AND LIKE
JENNIFER LAWRENCE.
WHAT IS YOUR --
>> OH, GOD, DON'T EVEN
START.
ALL MY CELEB FRIENDS.
NO, SHE IS, FIRST OF ALL, I
LOVE-- SHE'S BEEN ON HERE,
SHE IS THE COOLEST CHICK YOU
WILL EVER MEET.
>> Jon: YES, I WAS NOT
INTIMIDATED.
>> NO.
SHE WOUND UP, I WAS ON ONCE
A YEAR I GO AWAY WITH ALL MY
GIRLFRIENDS FROM HIGH
SCHOOL.
WE WENT TO THE HAMPTONS
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T LET US
GO BACK TO MARTHA'S
VINEYARD.
LIKE NO ONE WOULD RENT US A
HOUSE.
>> Jon: YOU GOT THROWN OUT
OF MARTHA'S VINYARD.
>> OFF THE WHOLE ISLAND.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: HOLY [BLEEP].
THE KENNEDYS RAN ROUGH SHOD
OVER THAT THING FOR LIKE 50
YEARS.
>> THAT'S WHAT I SAID,
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
>> Jon: WHAT DID YOU GUYS
DO?
>> NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
LIKE-- OH MY GOSH.
>> Jon: I AM A SORRY, I
FORGOT, I FORGOT.
>> LIKE BACK OFF.
BUT SO WE GO TO THE HAMPTONS
AND JENNIFER AND I HAVE BECOME
FRIENDS.
I WAS LIKE OH WE'RE GOING ON
A BOAT TOMORROW, YOU SHOULD
COME.
AND SHE WAS LIKE, IT WAS
KIND OF A HYPOTHETICAL.
AND SHE WAS LIKE I THINK I'M
COMING.
AND I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD.
SO I FILMED A VIDEO OF MY
FRIENDS TELLING THEM THAT
JENNIFER LAWRENCE, THEY ARE
ALL LIKE NURSES AND
TEACHERS.
I SAID JENNIFER LAWRENCE IS
COMING ON A BOAT WITH US
TOMORROW.
SO THEY ARE ALL SCREAMING.
AND THEN WE WOUND UP GOING
JET SKIING AND I WAS LIKE
I'LL DRIVE.
I'VE GOT THIS AND SHE WAS
LIKE NO, I'M HUNGER GAMES.
>> Jon: WERE YOU LIKE
BACK-TO-BACK, SHE IS ON, YOU
ARE ON.
>> YEAH.
DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK
SLOWER?
>> Jon: NO, NO, I LOVE
THIS-- TALK LOUDER?
>> WE PUT IN ALL THESE
PICTURES.
>> Jon: BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT IS?
>> WHAT.
>> Jon: THAT IS THE NEXT
MOVIEST POSTER.
>> THAT'S IT.
>> Jon: TELL ME THAT IS NOT
A COP MOVIE.
>> BUT IT BECAME, IT WITH A
COMPLETE VIRAL THING.
AND I AM-- SO THEN IT'S MY
PICTURE, NEXT TO JENNIFER
LAWRENCE, THE LAST PERSON
YOU WANT TO BE NEXT TO.
AND ALL THE PICTURES WE TOOK
OF US, I LOOKED LIKE HER
COACH IN ALL THE PICTURES.
I LOOK LIKE I'M TELLING HER
TO TAKE A KNEE, I'M LIKE
LISTEN, JEN!
I THINK YOU HAVE ANOTHER
PICTURE, DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER
PICTURE, BECAUSE-- I
AM-- LIKE I JUST LOOK LIKE
HER--
(APPLAUSE)
>> LIKE I'M COACHING HER.
I THOUGHT THE ONE TIME I
HAVE GOTTEN PAPARAZZI OTHER
THAN ONE TIME WHEN THEY
THOUGHT I WAS ADELE-- I HAVE
NEVER BEEN BEEN TAN , SO I GO, I WENT
STAND UP PADDLE BOARDING,
OKAY, SOME PEOPLE SAW THIS
PICTURE, I HEAR.
NO IDEA, NO ONES HAS EVER
TAKEN A PICTURE OF ME ON
PURPOSE.
AND YOU KNOW, THAT BODY
LANGUAGE IF YOU ARE STAND UP
PADDLE BOARDING IS JUST LIKE,
IF ARE YOU A NEWLY HOMELESS
PERSON TAKING LIKE A
STAND-UP DUMP, YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE JUST KIND OF
LIKE-- RIGHT, IF YOU ARE NEW
YORK-- .
>> Jon: I BELIEVE THAT'S HOW
THEY SELL IT.
>> THAT'S IT.
AND SO WHEN THESE PICTURES
CAME OUT, LIKE I DIDN'T EVEN
RECOGNIZE MYSELF.
I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD, ALFRED
HITCHCOCK IS ALIVE AND LOVES
WATER SPORTS.
LIKE I DIDN'T EVEN-- ALL OF
THE MAGAZINES.
HOW COOL.
WAS IT IN A MAGAZINE AND YOU WERE LIKE,
SO JUST LIKE THEY TAKE DUMPS
STANDING UP, LIKE THAT.
>> EVERYONE IS AT JUST ME
DROPPING HEAT.
THAT'S AWESOME.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: YOU'RE AWESOME.
TRAIN WRECK IS IN THE
THEATERS NOW.
YOUNG AMY SCHUMER, THANK YOU.
>> Jon: THAT'S OUR SHOW,
HERE IT IS, YOUR MOMENT OF
ZEN.
>> TRUMP OBVIOUSLY FINANCING
HIS OWN CAMPAIGN, DOESN'T
HAVE TO GO ASKING FOR MONEY.
I WILL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS,
THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF THE
DAY, WE HAVE HAD DOZENS OF
PEOPLE COME UP AND ASK WHAT
HE WITH ARE DOING AND WHO WE
ARE HERE FOR, ALL ASKED IF
TRUMP WAS HERE AND PRETTY OF
ALL OF WHOM SEEMED
DISAPPOINTED WHEN WE TOLD
THEM NO.