1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,433
( HARMONICA WAILS )
2
00:00:05,434 --> 00:00:09,534
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
3
00:00:43,334 --> 00:00:45,334
( LAUGHING )
4
00:00:52,834 --> 00:00:54,733
Yeah, I know nobody's
been working.
5
00:00:54,734 --> 00:00:56,766
This sounds real good.
6
00:00:56,767 --> 00:00:58,833
- Boing.
- Well, n...
7
00:00:58,834 --> 00:01:02,733
thanks, yeah. No,
I'm here all day.
8
00:01:02,734 --> 00:01:05,399
Give me a call as soon as you
find out something for sure.
9
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:07,967
Okay, man, thanks a
lot. Bye-bye. Whoo!
10
00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,333
All right, your old man's
going back to work.
11
00:01:10,334 --> 00:01:12,800
- Did Dwight get a job for you?
- Maybe.
12
00:01:12,801 --> 00:01:15,533
He's pretty sure he's got something
lined up for the Stanford Buil'.
13
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:18,299
Some guy wants his kitchen
remodelled. Be a couple weeks work.
14
00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:20,633
He's going to call me back
as soon as it's definite.
15
00:01:20,634 --> 00:01:24,933
Great, maybe I can finally
get you out of this house.
16
00:01:24,934 --> 00:01:29,533
♪ you're going to miss me
adee, adee, adee ♪
17
00:01:29,534 --> 00:01:31,099
so's that sofa.
18
00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:33,833
The only thing you've been
doing for the last two weeks
19
00:01:33,834 --> 00:01:36,032
is just layin'
there, watching TV
20
00:01:36,033 --> 00:01:37,634
and buffin' out your nails.
21
00:01:38,634 --> 00:01:40,634
How do they look?
22
00:01:46,434 --> 00:01:48,800
( GIGGLING )
23
00:01:48,801 --> 00:01:50,800
Get off!
24
00:01:50,801 --> 00:01:54,032
Quit bothering me!
25
00:01:54,033 --> 00:01:57,199
Get back in there and fix
your four-star Chili.
26
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,766
You only married
me for my cooking.
27
00:01:59,767 --> 00:02:01,566
Huh-uh.
28
00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:04,367
I married you 'cause you needed
a date for your wedding.
29
00:02:08,234 --> 00:02:11,233
So when is this Chili
masterpiece gonna be done?
30
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:13,733
Hey, you don't rush great art.
31
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,167
Make sure you make
enough for Jackie.
32
00:02:18,567 --> 00:02:20,733
She's coming over?
33
00:02:20,734 --> 00:02:23,867
Honey, doesn't she come
over every single Saturday?
34
00:02:23,868 --> 00:02:26,700
I was just thinking
maybe she'd miss a day.
35
00:02:26,701 --> 00:02:30,132
You knew when you married
me that I had a sister.
36
00:02:30,133 --> 00:02:31,633
I didn't think she'd
be here every weekend.
37
00:02:31,634 --> 00:02:35,434
Hell, I didn't think I'd
be here every weekend.
38
00:02:36,934 --> 00:02:40,099
If she had a life of her own,
she wouldn't have to ruin mine.
39
00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:41,500
I'm telling you, honey,
40
00:02:41,501 --> 00:02:44,968
two minutes after she walks
in... put those down.
41
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,000
Put those down.
42
00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:53,167
( SHOUTING )
43
00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:57,399
( SHOUTING )
44
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,266
- Drop 'em.
- Okay.
45
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,766
Okay, anyway, where was I?
46
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:05,500
A few minutes after she
walks through that door,
47
00:03:05,501 --> 00:03:07,666
she's gonna say, "dan, you
know what your problem is?"
48
00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:09,566
"Dan, you know what
your problem is?"
49
00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:12,233
- Oh, don't start.
- I hear that one more time,
50
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:16,032
I'll tie her to that chair and make her
watch 15 years of our home movies.
51
00:03:16,033 --> 00:03:19,999
Well, now, that is the cruellest
thing you've ever said, you beast.
52
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,933
- ( SINISTER LAUGHTER )
- (DOOR CLOSES)
53
00:03:21,934 --> 00:03:25,066
- JACKIE: Anybody home?
- Whew! No, we moved.
54
00:03:25,067 --> 00:03:26,967
KIDS: Hi, Jackie!
55
00:03:26,968 --> 00:03:29,600
Dan, what's wrong?
56
00:03:29,601 --> 00:03:31,433
My sister-in-law's here.
57
00:03:31,434 --> 00:03:32,701
( CRYING NOISES )
58
00:03:34,234 --> 00:03:37,099
The world-famous chef
is dicing onions
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00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:40,833
- for his four-star Chili.
- I love Chili.
60
00:03:40,834 --> 00:03:43,366
- Let me have a taste.
- I can give you some to go.
61
00:03:43,367 --> 00:03:44,933
Mmm.
62
00:03:44,934 --> 00:03:49,033
Well, I don't want to spoil
my appetite for dinner.
63
00:03:51,467 --> 00:03:53,900
You invited her to dinner?
64
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:57,533
Not yet. Jackie, honey, why
don't you stay for dinner?
65
00:03:57,534 --> 00:04:01,667
That'll be convenient since
I'm spending the night.
66
00:04:04,701 --> 00:04:06,266
Spending the night?
67
00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:09,199
Yeah, the pipes in my
apartment froze again.
68
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,333
I don't have any water.
69
00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:13,800
I can get you some water to go.
70
00:04:13,801 --> 00:04:17,000
Dan, you know what
your problem is?
71
00:04:18,234 --> 00:04:21,567
You want me to set up
the projector now?
72
00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:26,000
You don't put enough
pepper in the Chili.
73
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:32,132
I happen to put the perfect
amount of peppers in my Chili.
74
00:04:32,133 --> 00:04:34,066
It's too bland.
75
00:04:34,067 --> 00:04:35,766
Rosie, is my Chili too bland?
76
00:04:35,767 --> 00:04:37,166
Absolutely not!
77
00:04:37,167 --> 00:04:40,801
Your Chili is just like
you, hot and spicy.
78
00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:44,366
Hey, aunt Jackie.
79
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,566
Hi, sweetheart. What
are you looking at?
80
00:04:46,567 --> 00:04:48,833
- "Teenage life."
- Oh, my god, Roseanne.
81
00:04:48,834 --> 00:04:50,500
- You remember that?
- Oh, yeah.
82
00:04:50,501 --> 00:04:52,199
We used to read all
those articles
83
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,333
about how to be the
perfect woman.
84
00:04:54,334 --> 00:04:55,633
Yeah, those were great.
85
00:04:55,634 --> 00:04:58,600
My favourite one was "50
ways to say I love you"
86
00:04:58,601 --> 00:05:01,800
using only your eyes."
87
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,399
There's this great
article in here
88
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,833
about how to read your
boyfriend's body language.
89
00:05:05,834 --> 00:05:07,999
If your boyfriend's
body starts talking
90
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,600
I want to know about it.
91
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:12,566
I happen to know quite a
bit about body language.
92
00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:15,099
Yeah? Tell your
body to go home?
93
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:18,466
( LAUGHING )
94
00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:22,967
Rebecca, your father's words
are saying "go home."
95
00:05:22,968 --> 00:05:25,500
But his body is saying
96
00:05:25,501 --> 00:05:29,500
that he loves and adores
his sister-in-law.
97
00:05:29,501 --> 00:05:32,334
Hey, Jackie, read this.
98
00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:40,999
DAN: All right…
99
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,333
I had a sodie on the
counter. Who took it?
100
00:05:43,334 --> 00:05:45,299
- D.J.: Not me.
- Soda phantom.
101
00:05:45,300 --> 00:05:46,666
You mean this?
102
00:05:46,667 --> 00:05:48,566
What are you doing?
103
00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:50,900
- I was drinking that.
- I'm sorry. Here.
104
00:05:50,901 --> 00:05:53,166
I ain't gonna drink it if
you slobbered all over it.
105
00:05:53,167 --> 00:05:55,032
Careful, dad.
You'll get cooties.
106
00:05:55,033 --> 00:05:57,099
Hey, I don't have cooties.
107
00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:59,233
Oh, yeah? What's this?
108
00:05:59,234 --> 00:06:00,766
( SHRIEKING )
109
00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:03,800
Cut it out! Dan!
110
00:06:03,801 --> 00:06:06,266
It's getting bigger!
It's getting bigger!
111
00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:07,933
Cut it out.
112
00:06:07,934 --> 00:06:11,366
Get back in the kitchen and spice
up that bland Chili of yours.
113
00:06:11,367 --> 00:06:14,999
Hey, you can insult my wife and
you can insult my children
114
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,666
but don't badmouth my Chili.
115
00:06:17,667 --> 00:06:18,534
( SHRIEKING )
116
00:06:18,535 --> 00:06:21,534
Can you hand me the glue?
117
00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,766
You guys are doing really good.
118
00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:27,099
I know, I'm in
charge of the glue.
119
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,266
- You know what you need though?
- DARLENE: Huh?
120
00:06:29,267 --> 00:06:32,366
Look in the picture.
You need a drawbridge.
121
00:06:32,367 --> 00:06:35,833
Yeah, that's cool.
122
00:06:35,834 --> 00:06:38,999
Go out in the garage and get
me a piece of wood that big.
123
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:43,367
Don't move your fingers. It's
gotta be exactly that size.
124
00:06:46,133 --> 00:06:48,366
Greetings, alien.
125
00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:51,032
Not now, mom.
126
00:06:51,033 --> 00:06:53,399
Hey, Jackie, the washing
machine's free.
127
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,900
Okay, thanks.
128
00:06:55,901 --> 00:06:59,166
Boy, you're really putting
in some time on this.
129
00:06:59,167 --> 00:07:01,766
- Yeah, I know.
- It must be important.
130
00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:04,766
No, not really.
131
00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:06,199
It's just for fun.
132
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,733
Well, let me tell you
a story just for fun.
133
00:07:09,734 --> 00:07:12,199
No, not a story!
134
00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:14,700
Once upon a time,
there was a…
135
00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:16,800
Once upon a time, there
was this little girl
136
00:07:16,801 --> 00:07:21,199
who ran away from home 'cause her
mother told her long, boring stories.
137
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,032
Shut up, you.
138
00:07:23,033 --> 00:07:25,999
Once upon a time, there
was a beautiful queen
139
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,800
and she lived in a
beautiful palace.
140
00:07:28,801 --> 00:07:32,466
And she had a beautiful and
lovely little daughter.
141
00:07:32,467 --> 00:07:34,999
- Her name was...
- let me guess, mom.
142
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,566
Darlene.
143
00:07:36,567 --> 00:07:39,434
No, smartmouth, it was Darlena.
144
00:07:41,767 --> 00:07:44,199
Anyway, the beautiful
queen was puzzled,
145
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:49,999
and she asked Darlena "why art
thou building this thing?"
146
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,999
And Darlena replied,
147
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,767
"don't try and figure it
out. Just live with it."
148
00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:59,333
What is this all about, Darlene?
149
00:07:59,334 --> 00:08:00,800
What?
150
00:08:00,801 --> 00:08:03,200
Level with me.
151
00:08:07,133 --> 00:08:09,600
Mom…
152
00:08:09,601 --> 00:08:10,900
I'm flunking history.
153
00:08:10,901 --> 00:08:13,466
Uh-huh…
154
00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:17,967
Well, crane said if I did
this castle for extra credit
155
00:08:17,968 --> 00:08:20,266
and did okay on the next test,
156
00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,266
I might pass.
157
00:08:22,267 --> 00:08:23,999
Uh-huh.
158
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:27,600
So that's why I gotta
get this in by Monday.
159
00:08:27,601 --> 00:08:31,900
Oh. Then I'm gonna let
you get back to work.
160
00:08:31,901 --> 00:08:34,132
- Wait, aren't you gonna yell at me?
- No.
161
00:08:34,133 --> 00:08:36,967
Aren't you gonna tell
me how bright I am,
162
00:08:36,968 --> 00:08:39,867
but I never apply myself and
always wait till the last minute?
163
00:08:39,868 --> 00:08:42,300
You don't need to hear
that again, do you?
164
00:08:51,267 --> 00:08:53,600
Yeah, I went out
with him on Friday.
165
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:55,566
I hadn't told you that. Right.
166
00:08:55,567 --> 00:08:57,633
So, I was gonna go out
with him again on Saturday
167
00:08:57,634 --> 00:08:59,166
and then I found out
he went to Chicago.
168
00:08:59,167 --> 00:09:01,032
I found out from billy.
169
00:09:01,033 --> 00:09:03,366
Right. I have no way to
get in touch with him.
170
00:09:03,367 --> 00:09:05,833
I call his apartment and leave
a message on the machine.
171
00:09:05,834 --> 00:09:08,800
I had nothing to say, I'm
like "hi, how are you?"
172
00:09:08,801 --> 00:09:10,414
Jackie, you going to stay
on that phone all day?
173
00:09:10,438 --> 00:09:11,367
Hold on, just a second.
174
00:09:11,368 --> 00:09:13,032
I'm gonna be off
in just a second.
175
00:09:13,033 --> 00:09:15,433
So I leave the message,
you know, and then,
176
00:09:15,434 --> 00:09:17,233
how am I supposed to
get in touch with him?
177
00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:20,666
Would you please hurry up? I'm
expecting a very important phone call.
178
00:09:20,667 --> 00:09:24,032
You know what your
problem is, dan?
179
00:09:24,033 --> 00:09:26,800
You don't have call waiting.
180
00:09:26,801 --> 00:09:28,666
You know what your
problem is, Jackie?
181
00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:30,600
You don't pay my phone bill.
182
00:09:30,601 --> 00:09:34,099
I'll call you later.
Okay. Phone's all yours.
183
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:36,433
Thank you for allowing
me to use my telephone.
184
00:09:36,434 --> 00:09:38,166
You're welcome.
185
00:09:38,167 --> 00:09:40,099
( MUTTERING )
186
00:09:40,100 --> 00:09:43,199
- I don't want to complain…
- But you're gonna.
187
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,233
When you were growing up,
how did you live with her?
188
00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:46,833
We just locked her
up in the closet,
189
00:09:46,834 --> 00:09:50,733
and stuffed some dog
food under the door.
190
00:09:50,734 --> 00:09:53,666
She is a major-league
pain in the butt.
191
00:09:53,667 --> 00:09:55,433
Yeah, but you know
you're really spoiled
192
00:09:55,434 --> 00:09:58,533
because you live with me,
you're used to perfection.
193
00:09:58,534 --> 00:09:59,733
( PHONE RINGING )
194
00:09:59,734 --> 00:10:01,900
Here it is. Come on, Dwight.
195
00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,601
Hello? Hey, Dwight,
what's the word?
196
00:10:05,534 --> 00:10:06,666
Yeah.
197
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:09,900
Thanks anyway. Yeah,
maybe next week.
198
00:10:09,901 --> 00:10:12,200
Right, bye bye.
199
00:10:15,367 --> 00:10:17,933
Damn.
200
00:10:17,934 --> 00:10:20,399
You are going to get the
very next job that comes.
201
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,032
I hope so. I'm going nuts,
202
00:10:22,033 --> 00:10:24,032
sitting around here
for two weeks.
203
00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:26,766
Yeah, but I kind of
like having you around.
204
00:10:26,767 --> 00:10:28,333
I kind of like being around,
205
00:10:28,334 --> 00:10:30,999
but I feel terrible
when I ain't working.
206
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,900
Well, you want work? 'Cause
over at the blue flamingo
207
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,400
they're hiring topless dancers.
208
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:40,667
Nah, I couldn't do
that, my bad knee.
209
00:10:42,133 --> 00:10:44,999
Well, I'd put a dollar
in your g-string.
210
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,100
Go get your purse.
211
00:10:52,601 --> 00:10:54,666
Mom, dad, come on.
You gotta try this.
212
00:10:54,667 --> 00:10:57,566
There's a test in the back
of this "teenage life."
213
00:10:57,567 --> 00:11:01,132
And you guys are gonna be
our lovebird guinea pigs.
214
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:03,066
I don't feel like
playing no game.
215
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:05,600
- Come on, dad. Please?
- Do I gotta do anything weird?
216
00:11:05,601 --> 00:11:06,867
You wish.
217
00:11:06,868 --> 00:11:08,099
Just do it, all right?
218
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:09,967
- Come on, come on…
- All right.
219
00:11:09,968 --> 00:11:12,933
- Sit. You sit, you sit.
- ( DAN GRUMBLING )
220
00:11:12,934 --> 00:11:15,666
- Now…
- Lay this game on us.
221
00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:19,633
"EXERCISE ONE:
Tantalizing with touch."
222
00:11:19,634 --> 00:11:21,466
Ooh, I think I'm
going to like this.
223
00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:23,633
"The object of this exercise"
224
00:11:23,634 --> 00:11:25,900
is to transmit a
deeply felt emotion
225
00:11:25,901 --> 00:11:27,600
"with your hands."
226
00:11:27,601 --> 00:11:31,199
- Jackie, this is corny.
- Roseanne.
227
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,200
Oh, all right.
Okay, I can do it.
228
00:11:37,701 --> 00:11:39,433
Come on, you guys.
229
00:11:39,434 --> 00:11:42,199
This really could help
your relationship.
230
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,533
- Be serious.
- Okay, I'm serious.
231
00:11:44,534 --> 00:11:46,900
- Are you serious?
- I'm serious.
232
00:11:46,901 --> 00:11:48,867
Okay, we're serious.
233
00:11:48,868 --> 00:11:51,266
All right, face… Let's see.
234
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:54,132
Face your boyfriend
and touch hands.
235
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:55,967
Yeah, but my
boyfriend's not here.
236
00:11:55,968 --> 00:11:57,600
Will my husband do?
237
00:11:57,601 --> 00:11:58,933
He'll have to do.
238
00:11:58,934 --> 00:12:01,199
"Try to communicate an emotion
239
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,333
without speaking."
240
00:12:04,334 --> 00:12:08,166
Okay, he'll be wrong.
I just know it.
241
00:12:08,167 --> 00:12:11,501
Okay, dad. What's
mom thinking?
242
00:12:13,334 --> 00:12:15,833
She's thinking I'll be wrong.
243
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:17,032
This is great.
244
00:12:17,033 --> 00:12:20,900
Dan, we never have to
talk to each other again.
245
00:12:20,901 --> 00:12:24,233
- BOTH: Yay!
- BECKY: Come on, you two!
246
00:12:24,234 --> 00:12:26,833
Come on, try it again.
247
00:12:26,834 --> 00:12:30,433
Okay. Okay. Okay,
I got it, okay.
248
00:12:30,434 --> 00:12:33,833
I'm transmitting a very
important message.
249
00:12:33,834 --> 00:12:35,933
Tune in, loverboy.
250
00:12:35,934 --> 00:12:38,466
Oh, I'm picking something up.
251
00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:40,633
All right, dan. What's
she trying to tell you?
252
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:45,066
She's telling me something I've
wanted to hear for a real long time.
253
00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:47,467
My sister-in-law's
moving to north Dakota.
254
00:12:50,868 --> 00:12:52,266
Dad!
255
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:53,566
Sorry, Jackie, that was a joke.
256
00:12:53,567 --> 00:12:56,033
South Dakota.
257
00:12:57,234 --> 00:13:00,399
Sometimes there's a lot
of truth in kidding.
258
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,333
Hell, don't psycho-analyse
everything I say.
259
00:13:03,334 --> 00:13:05,466
Believe me, it's not worth it.
260
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,933
No, dan, I want to know.
Do I irritate you?
261
00:13:07,934 --> 00:13:09,733
I don't want to get into this.
262
00:13:09,734 --> 00:13:12,500
- No, really.
- Where do I begin?
263
00:13:12,501 --> 00:13:14,199
You don't.
264
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,566
- At the beginning.
- Okay.
265
00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:18,199
One thing, you pick
all of the nuts
266
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,032
out of the rocky road ice cream.
267
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:23,166
Well, put me in front
of a firing squad.
268
00:13:23,167 --> 00:13:25,733
I'm gonna put you both in
front of a firing squad.
269
00:13:25,734 --> 00:13:27,600
You could knock when
you walk in the door.
270
00:13:27,601 --> 00:13:29,967
You want me to knock when
I come over? I can knock.
271
00:13:29,968 --> 00:13:32,066
I'd love for you to knock when
you walk in the door. Please.
272
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:34,066
- Fine, fine.
- ( BANGING )
273
00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:36,766
( SHOUTING ) Chili's ready.
274
00:13:36,767 --> 00:13:38,933
Dan, spit it out. What's
really bothering you?
275
00:13:38,934 --> 00:13:42,533
What's bothering me is that
you're over here all the time.
276
00:13:42,534 --> 00:13:46,200
If you had a job you wouldn't
even notice so much.
277
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,968
( DOOR SLAMS )
278
00:14:03,501 --> 00:14:08,968
Gosh, you simply must come
over more often, sis!
279
00:14:18,234 --> 00:14:20,166
Well, dan really went
off the deep end.
280
00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,766
Oh, you think so?
281
00:14:21,767 --> 00:14:25,533
He just lost a job. That was the
phone call he was waiting for.
282
00:14:25,534 --> 00:14:27,800
- Oh.
- I don't know how you do it.
283
00:14:27,801 --> 00:14:31,399
You always manage to say the
most perfectly wrongest thing,
284
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:34,066
at the most perfectly
wrongest time.
285
00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:35,433
Just like mom.
286
00:14:35,434 --> 00:14:38,132
Well, okay, take his side.
287
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:40,399
Oh… There you
go, that's two.
288
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,366
That's the most perfectly
wrongest thing
289
00:14:42,367 --> 00:14:44,032
you could have said to me.
290
00:14:44,033 --> 00:14:46,366
Why don't you think
before you talk?
291
00:14:46,367 --> 00:14:48,199
You expect me to
apologize to him?
292
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,066
No, I don't expect
you to do nothing.
293
00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:52,933
- That's what you want.
- I'm not gonna tell you what to do.
294
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,967
Why not? You're gonna tell
me what to do anyway,
295
00:14:54,968 --> 00:14:58,099
- just like mom.
- That's three!
296
00:14:58,100 --> 00:15:01,766
He has been on my case ever
since I came in the door.
297
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:05,467
I'm not apologizing to him
until he apologizes to me.
298
00:15:12,234 --> 00:15:14,199
- Mom?
- What?
299
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,399
Are dad and aunt Jackie
really mad at each other?
300
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,867
No…
301
00:15:18,868 --> 00:15:21,533
They just fight for the same
reason you fight with Darlene.
302
00:15:21,534 --> 00:15:23,868
To torture me.
303
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:30,233
DARLENE: D.J., look
what you did. Mom!
304
00:15:30,234 --> 00:15:32,533
Look what you did.
You ruined it!
305
00:15:32,534 --> 00:15:33,967
I didn't mean to!
306
00:15:33,968 --> 00:15:35,534
You're so stupid!
307
00:15:38,367 --> 00:15:39,999
What happened?
308
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,500
D.J. Fell on my castle
and crushed it.
309
00:15:42,501 --> 00:15:45,032
- We can fix it.
- No, we can't.
310
00:15:45,033 --> 00:15:47,900
I'm gonna flunk history and
it's all D.J.'s fault.
311
00:15:47,901 --> 00:15:51,199
- Oh, it's D.J.'s fault.
- Yes, look what he did.
312
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,132
Oh, yeah, it's
definitely his fault
313
00:15:53,133 --> 00:15:55,766
that you didn't
study all semester.
314
00:15:55,767 --> 00:15:57,733
But mom, he was just here...
315
00:15:57,734 --> 00:16:00,700
and it's his fault that you put
this off to the last minute.
316
00:16:00,701 --> 00:16:03,399
- You always take his side.
- I'm not taking his side.
317
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,800
Yes, you are. You're
strict with me and Becky,
318
00:16:05,801 --> 00:16:07,999
but you let D.J. Get
away with murder.
319
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,900
Darlene, who are
you really mad at?
320
00:16:09,901 --> 00:16:11,433
D.j.
321
00:16:11,434 --> 00:16:13,333
Yeah, well that makes
a lot of sense.
322
00:16:13,334 --> 00:16:16,466
If I'd screwed around all semester
and was flunking history,
323
00:16:16,467 --> 00:16:19,600
I'd be looking for somebody
else to blame it on too.
324
00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:21,132
That's not what I'm doing.
325
00:16:21,133 --> 00:16:23,566
That's exactly what
you're doing, Darlene.
326
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:26,133
It's not fair!
327
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,733
( CALLING ) D.J.
328
00:16:34,734 --> 00:16:38,199
- Come on down here, honey.
- D.J.: Is Darlene there?
329
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,100
No, she's gone. It's
safe. Come on down.
330
00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:48,099
Looks like you really
re-decorated Darlene's castle.
331
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,933
I didn't mean to.
332
00:16:49,934 --> 00:16:52,566
I know, it was an accident.
333
00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:54,366
Darlene hates me.
334
00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:56,867
She doesn't hate you,
honey, she hates history.
335
00:16:56,868 --> 00:16:59,266
She said I was stupid.
336
00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:02,766
You're not stupid, you're
just clumsy like your daddy.
337
00:17:02,767 --> 00:17:05,199
Yeah, right.
338
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,199
Do you want to go in the kitchen
339
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:09,132
and be my official Chili taster?
340
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:10,900
No.
341
00:17:10,901 --> 00:17:14,466
You're just gonna sit here on the
steps for the rest of your life?
342
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,700
- Yep.
- And let people walk on you
343
00:17:16,701 --> 00:17:18,933
and pile books on you and junk?
344
00:17:18,934 --> 00:17:20,099
Yep.
345
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:22,800
Well, that ain't much of a life.
346
00:17:22,801 --> 00:17:25,000
But I'll help you get started.
347
00:17:26,834 --> 00:17:28,934
Come here.
348
00:17:32,667 --> 00:17:35,100
I'll give you a hat.
349
00:17:35,801 --> 00:17:38,067
( GIGGLING )
350
00:17:42,734 --> 00:17:45,700
Mom, should I put this
other load in the dryer?
351
00:17:45,701 --> 00:17:47,399
ROSEANNE: No, I'll
do it in a minute.
352
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,067
Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup…
353
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:54,466
Okay, horsy. Get up here.
354
00:17:54,467 --> 00:17:58,266
Whoo! Ahh!
355
00:17:58,267 --> 00:18:00,566
Mom, I finished
folding the laundry.
356
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:04,433
Thank you, honey. You're one
of my three favourite kids.
357
00:18:04,434 --> 00:18:05,800
What about me?
358
00:18:05,801 --> 00:18:07,634
No.
359
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:17,299
Are you ready for
some delicious Chili?
360
00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:18,333
Yep.
361
00:18:18,334 --> 00:18:21,333
Okay, you ready for
the greatest Chili
362
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:23,199
- in the entire world?
- Yep.
363
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,833
All right, here you go.
364
00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:27,501
( CRUNCHING )
365
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:34,667
Just a little bit bland.
366
00:18:41,968 --> 00:18:46,100
Man, this garage is a mess.
I gotta get organized.
367
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,099
Dad, can I use this?
368
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:51,766
No, I need that,
me, myself and I,
369
00:18:51,767 --> 00:18:53,801
Manny M. Man.
370
00:18:58,100 --> 00:19:01,366
- What are you doing?
- Cutting some more wood.
371
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:03,433
So you're going to
fix that castle?
372
00:19:03,434 --> 00:19:05,534
Yeah, but it's still
D.J.'s fault.
373
00:19:07,634 --> 00:19:11,666
Gosh, Darlene's so
doggone stubborn.
374
00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:14,800
I wonder where she gets it from.
375
00:19:14,801 --> 00:19:16,633
Not from me.
376
00:19:16,634 --> 00:19:19,399
No, it couldn't be from you.
377
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,032
Roseanne, I know
what you're doing.
378
00:19:22,033 --> 00:19:24,299
There's no way I'm
gonna go in there
379
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:25,933
and apologize to your sister.
380
00:19:25,934 --> 00:19:27,867
I just thought I'd let you know
381
00:19:27,868 --> 00:19:29,867
that I'm gonna go
check into a motel.
382
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:33,099
Anybody we know?
383
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:36,032
I think it'd be better if
I stayed somewhere else.
384
00:19:36,033 --> 00:19:37,999
How about the Philippines?
385
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,099
- You know what your problem is, dan?
- Yeah, you.
386
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:42,166
See I come in here and
try to make things easy,
387
00:19:42,167 --> 00:19:44,099
and he's acting like a big baby.
388
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:47,099
Would you tell your sister
it takes one to know one.
389
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:48,999
I don't know how you get
along with this guy.
390
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,099
Tell your sister
to hit the bricks.
391
00:19:51,100 --> 00:19:53,166
I know this game. I
really know this game.
392
00:19:53,167 --> 00:19:55,500
It's called "let's
tear Roseanne apart."
393
00:19:55,501 --> 00:19:57,500
You take this arm, and
you take this arm,
394
00:19:57,501 --> 00:20:02,633
and then you just both pull
until I splatter into a puddle.
395
00:20:02,634 --> 00:20:04,299
( SIGHS )
396
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:07,266
She's over here all the time
because she's my sister.
397
00:20:07,267 --> 00:20:11,366
He don't mean nothing, he's
just blowing off steam.
398
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:14,766
You two are worse than all three
of the kids put together.
399
00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:16,600
You're driving me nuts.
400
00:20:16,601 --> 00:20:18,734
You've got to get it together.
401
00:20:21,334 --> 00:20:23,601
( DOOR SLAMS )
402
00:20:29,667 --> 00:20:31,199
Well…
403
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,833
You don't have to stay in
no motel. That's silly.
404
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:37,200
You can sleep out here.
405
00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:44,900
She's really something.
406
00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:46,633
She does get carried
away sometimes.
407
00:20:46,634 --> 00:20:49,366
She loves to tell everybody
exactly how to lead their lives.
408
00:20:49,367 --> 00:20:51,233
That's 'cause she thinks
she knows everything.
409
00:20:51,234 --> 00:20:53,533
ROSEANNE: Well, I do!
410
00:20:53,534 --> 00:20:56,567
( LAUGHS )
411
00:20:57,834 --> 00:21:00,400
( INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC ON TV )
412
00:21:05,534 --> 00:21:07,633
Dan…
413
00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,099
Isn't that movie over yet?
414
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:10,567
No.
415
00:21:12,234 --> 00:21:13,800
I want to go to sleep.
416
00:21:13,801 --> 00:21:16,900
Please. This is the
best part of the movie.
417
00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,533
Come on, you're on my bed.
418
00:21:18,534 --> 00:21:21,399
Jackie, your bed is my sofa.
419
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,099
Here you go, sis.
420
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:26,600
- Dan won't get off the couch.
- Honey, get off the couch.
421
00:21:26,601 --> 00:21:28,199
Shhh!
422
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,367
Getting ready for the showdown.
423
00:21:38,467 --> 00:21:40,634
( GARBLED NOISES )