I want this. this and that.
I want that too. And I want one of these and this with--
- Do you want this? - I already got some of that.
You know what they say about dim sum.
"I'll have dim sum and dim some more."
( laughs )
( snorts )
Why can't life be like this? Why can't they bring around a cart
with guys on little plates? You know?
That way you could sample a little before you committed to a whole one.
"No. this one's too spicy. this one's too mealy."
"I'm gonna hate myself in the morning for eating that one."
- Okay. what do you guys want? - I'd like a menu.
Yeah. we don't actually eat this stuff.
You know what? Just some white rice and. uh...
two forks. Clean.
Why do we have to sit with all the weirdos?
- Ellen. it's fun. It's family-style. - Yeah. it's family-style.
Later the waiters come over and tell you what a disappointment you are to them.
You know where you can always get your own table?
- The Olive Garden. Yeah. - Oh yeah.
In fact. there's one the next exit down from us in Secaucus.
Ellen: I know what everyone says about The Olive Garden.
but the one in Secaucus is something special.
- Tell 'em about the buffalo wings. - Try and stop me.
You know how I like food that's spicy but not too spicy?
They've got these buffalo wings...
- Will: They are so boring. - Grace: I know.
Grace: Ooh. Cute guy over there checkin' you out.
- Will: Where? - Grace: Don't look.
...primavera. marinara. alfredo.
What is this?
Oh. that's your rice.
It's in a leaf.
- Can we go somewhere else? - Uhh... sure.
I guess. We'll go with you.
Uh-- jeez. just a couple of quick bites?
Ellen: Okay.
Whoa. Lovin' the food.
Goodness.
We're just-- we're party poopers and we will stay.
I have a suggestion... you guys go someplace else and you chaps stay here.
Then some other night. you can all meet up at your Onion Garden.
Okay. Well. thank you very much. Mr. Man.
but I think...
I think we can figure this one out on our own. okay?
All right. why don't you two stay
and we will meet up some other night at The Olive Garden?
- Maybe tomorrow night? - Great.
- Okay. Bye. - Will: Bye.
So. you guys married?
- No. I'm gay. This is my friend. - Pay up. honey.
( theme music playing )
And afterward. Naomi and Kai took us to this underground club
that was so cool it didn't even have a name.
Just a design.
- Like a squiggle and a "pffft." - Yeah.
The club formerly known as "Pffft" Squiggle.
And afterwards who did I run into in the bathroom?
Peter Gabriel. Talk about shocking the monkey.
( sighs ) And Kai.
Kai has been arrested with Greenpeace three times.
- I want to get arrested. - Both: Go outside in that outfit.
Both: Oh. jinx!
( telephone ringing )
Oh-- did you see this?
- Grace Adler Designs. - It's me.
- Hey, Ellen. - Hi.
Hey. I just called to confirm tonight. 7:30 at The Olive Garden?
I should probably give you directions.
Right. tonight. Right.
- Uh. will you hold on a second? - Sure.
It's Rob and Ellen calling about dinner tonight.
Oh. no. no. no. no. Naomi and Kai have backstage passes
- to Elvis Costello. - What are we going to do?
We can't lie.
Will's sick. We have to cancel.
No. I hope he didn't catch anything
from those freaks we left you with last night.
Oh. Rob said the funniest thing about them.
What was it you said. honey? What was it?
Is the circus in town?
I laughed. I laughed.
Anyway. tell Will that we hope he feels better.
- and we'll just try another time. - Okay. Bye.
We just lied to our friends.
- How does that make you feel? - I'm not going to lie to you.
- I'll feel great. - Me too.
- Come on. buy me a latte. you big liar. - Okay.
Okay. Karen. I'll be back in an hour.
Um. answer the--
Who am I kidding?
Thank God. Why is she always hanging around here?
She does whatever Will does.
He would be the alpha cow.
So. honey. how would you like to have
a little spa day with me on Monday?
Jack happy. Jack happy.
That's right. we'll do a little mud. a little seaweed. totally detox.
Then we'll get plastered and go over to my stepkids' school
for a little parent-teacher conference.
School? Why don't you take--
and I'm just going to throw this out at you-- their father?
Honey. Stan can't make it.
He's having some work done on his Mercedes.
Or his... kidneys. I wasn't really paying attention.
Sorry. Kare. no can do. Elementary schools freak me out.
Too many bad memories. The name calling. the taunting.
the vicious games of "Red Rover. Red Rover. Iet's beat the hell out of Jack."
Oh. was poodle not very poo-pular?
You have no idea. For little Jack McFarland.
or Jack "McFairyland" as I was known.
elementary school was a house of pain.
Oh. honey. I am so sorry.
That must have been rough.
And why you? A sweet little boy with sparkly blue eyes
and a beautiful smile.
Oh. Jack.
Little Jack "McFairyland."
- Karen-- - McFairy-fu-fu-land.
Nah-nah. I'm a girl...
- Karen. this is not the time-- - Hey. "McFairyland"
gimme your lunch money or I'm gonna kick your ass. Ha ha!
Ha! ( giggles )
Oh God.
Kids can be so cruel.
Karen. it wasn't funny. It was a very painful time for me.
Listen. face your fears. You're not a kid anymore.
you're a big strong man so get over it.
Karen. there is no way I'm going over to that--
You just called me a big strong man.
Yes. I did. you big strong man.
Okay. I'll go.
I'm gonna go. big strong man.
- There's a bunny. - Stop it!
There's my little tickle bunny.
Naomi: We should get going.
Remember. when we get backstage. if anyone asks. you're press.
- Do you guys have a problem lying? - No.
I'll just tell them I'm from "Rolling Stone."
Will: No. no. I want to be from "Rolling Stone."
Tell them you're from-- "Naugahyde Weekly."
( knocks )
See. Iying is only a problem if you get caught.
And since we never get caught.
there's never a problem.
Problem.
( nervous laugh )
Hi. guys.
Hey. what's going on?
Uh. we brought some soup for Will.
Oh. oh... oh. this.
This is just... a whole...
naughty nurse thing I do for Will.
- Makes him feel better when he's sick. - Oh.
Oh. but that's so. so nice with the soup. and the...
so sweet. you guys are the best.
Bye.
Grace. Grace-- can we come in and see Will?
Oh. I would love that. but Will is out like a light.
Will: Grace, what's going on out there?
Whoop. Iook who's up.
Just--
- Hold on just one minute. - Well. should we come in?
No. that's not a good idea. It's like germ-a-palooza in there.
- I'll get him. - Okay.
- Are we ready? - Uh. not quite yet.
- Excuse me. - What are you doing?
Um. I have to settle a bet with the guy out in the hall.
What's the bet?
You wouldn't go in the hall wearing a blanket.
Are you crazy? We're going to be late for Elvis Cost--
- --hello. - Rob: Hey.
Grace said you were sick so we brought you some soup.
You guys are so thoughtful. Bye.
Oh. oh. oh-- just one second...
- Can I use your bathroom before we go? - Why?
Ellen had two Snapples.
Ohh...
I-- I wouldn't do that.
It's-- it's germ-a-palooza in there.
Oh my God. that's what I said!
You could use my apartment. okay?
Ellen and Rob. Rob. why don't you go with her?
- Why would I do that? - Because you love her!
Come on. buddy. be a man. I do it for Grace.
Yeah. sorry. honey... I wasn't thinking.
- What are we gonna do? - It's no biggie.
She'll pee. they'll leave and we'll go to see
Elvis Costello. Pump it up
When you don't really need it
Pump it up until you can't feel it...
Will!
What are you doing?
Oh my God. it's gotten worse!
- He's got a fever. - Fever. it's a fever!
Why were you dancing?
It's a boogie fever.
So uh.
you... you guys finished?
No. Grace. you're out of toilet paper.
I'm gonna use Will's bathroom. really. I won't get sick.
No. no. the toilet paper is another one of the boxes.
I know exactly where it is.
Grace: Rob, are you coming?
- Come on. man. get with it. - Rob: Sorry. honey.
Will. mate. Iisten. we should really get going.
You guys go downstairs and grab a cab.
- I'll wait for Grace. - Okay.
You're not gonna wear your blankets? Okay. me neither.
Ellen: I am not using "The Village Voice. "
- What about "Mademoiselle?" - No!
Come on. Gwyneth Paltrow's on the cover.
No! I am using Will's bathroom.
- You can't! - Yes she can. it's fine.
- It is? - Sure.
Sure.
Oh. I guess I should... yeah.
- ( door shuts ) - Okay.
Naomi and Kai are downstairs getting a cab.
- Check. - We wait for Rob and Ellen to finish.
send them down. wait 30 seconds.
we go down. meet Naomi and Kai in the cab.
go to the Elvis Costello concert. meet cute guys. Iive long happy lives.
- no problem. - Guys--
- Problem. - Naomi has to use the loo.
Oh. okay. Since Will already locked up you can use my apartment.
Okay. but we're really in a hurry. so go get a cab.
- Why can't you get a cab? - Come on. man. I've gotta go with her.
- They're gonna need toilet paper. - You get the toilet paper.
- You get my jacket. - And I'll be in Scotland afore ye.
Laughing on the inside.
- Toilet paper's in there-- - Your jacket's in--
- Got your jacket. Get the toilet paper. - Get the elevator.
They've got the toilet paper. where's my jacket?
- Here. - They get the cab?
- We're are. - Elevator?
- Elevator's here. - Let's get the cab.
- Oh my God. that was close. - Damn we're good.
Although...
( screaming )
Grace? You want to explain this?
Yes. I do... Will?
Huh?
I'm not going to lie to you.
These are my doctors.
She's an acupuncturist and he's... British.
No they're not. They're the weirdos from the restaurant.
This is a rather awkward moment.
Exit "the weirdos" to get a cab.
We'll be downstairs. Hurry up. guys.
- You guys suck. - How could you lie to us like that?
- It's a fine line-- Iying is... - We didn't lie. It was just a...
- We're sorry. - Sorry.
How could you do it. Grace?
And why don't you try the truth this time?
Okay. the truth is that...
sometimes you guys just don't want to do--
We just wanted to try something a little different.
You know-- a little more exciting?
Oh. okay. So Will and Grace think we're boring.
Come on. Rob. Iet's go.
Um. actually honey. I need to go to the--
Let's go. Rob.
- We'll take the stairs. - I really need--
Let's go. Rob! While we still have some dignity.
( sighs ) Will you stop fidgeting?
What is the matter with you?
I thought I could handle being here
but it-- it's too much.
Oh. I'm having post-traumatic stress disorder.
This is my 'Nam. man.
Mrs. Walker? Principal Daley is ready to see you now.
All right. this shouldn't take long.
He'll tell me the fat one set something on fire.
I'll buy him a new science wing. and bippity-boppity-boo.
- everybody's happy. - Karen. don't leave me alone here.
See you soon, "McFairyland. "
I-- I can't do this.
Give me my backpack.
- I don't have it. - Come on. give it.
- Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-nah. - Come on. please.
No. This one's better for you.
- You can put your makeup in it. - Jack: Hey, hey!
Give him his backpack.
The purse is mine.
This macho bully schoolyard crap
is so 1983 I could vomit.
Now scram!
( hisses )
What's with that hair?
You know you didn't have to do that. I can take care of myself.
Oh. I'm sure. I just don't like anybody playing with my purse.
- Hi. I'm Jack. - I'm John.
Nice to meet you. John. So. um...
what was that all about?
Todd and Curtis don't like me.
Yeah. well. Iet me tell you a little something about Todd and Curtis. okay?
When they grow up. they're gonna be bloated has-beens
with bad shoes and bad marriages.
Does that help you?
I don't think so. I'm pretty sure they're still gonna take my backpack.
Okay. in that case. pull hair. kick them anyplace that's soft and run like hell.
I just wish I was better at dodge ball.
Then this never would have happened.
Dodge ball? Who cares about dodge ball?
You ever see that on a resumé? "Special skills-- dodge ball"?
It's about as useful as American History.
Besides. there's gotta be other things you're good at. right?
Well. I just wrote a play for drama class.
You're a playwright? I'm a playwright.
- I wrote a one-man show. - Shut up. I wrote a one-man show.
- What's it about? - I guess it's about me.
It doesn't have a title yet.
Well. I was thinking maybe. "John's Life."
Or "John's Play." Or maybe...
"Only John."
Ever thought about "Just John"?
- "Just John"? - No. it's more...
no jazz hands. it's "Just John."
"Just John."
It's more from here and there's a pop.
It's "Just John."
- "Just John." - Yes.
Fabulous.
Ow.
Ow. Ow.
Ow.
Holy hangover. Batgirl.
How fun was last night?
So fun.
- Naomi and Kai know all the best clubs. - Yeah.
Who'd have thought that after 2:00 a.m..
Tiki Donuts becomes a Latino drag-queen bar.
I forget...
is Chocolate Eclairette the name of a donut
or one of the performers?
Why are you screaming at me?
Oh my God.
When did I get my nipple pierced?
That's your earring.
Oh. right.
So what time are we hooking up with them tonight?
Midnight. It's gonna be wild.
- This whole week has been wild. - I know. They're crazy.
- They're fantastic. - I hate them.
Me too.
I've been holding on to these fears
since I was like eight years old. you know?
And it's just like Dr. Schlemenson says.
"Jackie." --he calls me Jackie. which I hate...
but I'm not getting into that with you. Hello. you're like 10.
"Jackie. you must meet your demons. head on."
And today. I did it.
I did it.
Man. I feel good. How are you?
Okay. but I think I'm going to be late for my flute lesson. so l--
You called me down to this godforsaken place
to tell me my kids made the honor roll?
Honey. my time is precious.
Call me when one of them gives birth at the prom.
What are you lookin' at?
- Your shoes. - Hm.
They're good. right?
Listen Jack. all this maternal crap is making me thirsty.
Let's go to The Palm for a couple of "martoonis."
You comin'?
Um. no. I'm gonna be late for my lesson.
Suit yourself. But you'll learn a lot more over martinis at The Palm.
Hey. Jack. thanks for your help.
Same here.
Is it just me. or does The Olive Garden just keep getting better and better?
Mmm. Good.
So good I'm gonna pay the whole check tonight.
- We're not splitting it? - No. ma'am.
That makes me so horny.
Wow. if I wasn't gay before...
You sure you want to go through with this?
They're friends. Will. come on.
You're our oldest. dearest friends
( stammers ) and you deserve better.
You do. I don't know what we were thinking
'cause we love you guys.
- Okay. we forgive you. - Water under the bridge. guys.
- Not quite under the bridge. Rob. - Not so much under.
Okay. there are a few things we need to get straight.
First of all. no more lies.
Okay? I would think that after 15 years of friend...
Will: This is gonna last awhile, isn't it?
- Grace: Oh yeah, but we deserve it. - Will: Mm.
- Grace: Ooh, cute guy over there. - Will: Where?
Grace: Psych. We're at The Olive Garden, Will.