my big sister susan is a scumbag growing
up she kept telling me i would never
make friends because of my big nose she
said people were afraid of it
that's why i had such low self-esteem as
a kid for example one time at summer
camp one of the popular girls threw her
chocolate milk on me just for fun i
could have fought back and spit it in
her face but instead i just took it like
a loser
afterward i tried hiding from them and
that's when this guy jacob approached me
i hate this camp it's so boring yeah i
know you should have brought your
girlfriend with you
oh i don't have one my parents only
allow me to date jewish girls problem is
that i don't know any
in that moment i wished so bad i was
jewish jacob was cute and we quickly
became inseparable i tried everything to
make him fall in love with me but then
it was already our last day of summer
camp and we still hadn't even kissed i
realized i had less than 24 hours left
to seduce him so i took him to a river
and said let's go swimming but i don't
have swim shorts underwear is the same
thing or if you want you can go naked we
stripped down and jumped into the cold
water there i put my arms around his
neck and said wear me with your body
please but he stopped me
no i told you we can't be together you
aren't jewish
and what if i love you
that wouldn't change anything
i wanted to cry i knew jacob and i were
meant for each other he just didn't see
it
so on our way back to camp i pretended
to hurt my ankle now he had to carry me
in his arms while my body pressed
against him i knew he liked it and when
he sat down to rest i pounced on him he
tried to fend me off but i got in a few
kisses and said promise you'll call me
when you get home so i can come vis
when you get home so i can come visyou it'll be perfect
you it'll be perfect
he didn't respond but i wouldn't give up
after everyone was asleep i snuck into
his dormitory and snuggled myself
against him jacob i wanted to thank you
you are the only person that's ever been
nice to me can i give you a kiss
he didn't say no so i went on top of him
and made out it was the best night of my
life
but the next morning it was time to say
goodbye
i will always love you please remember
me i wrote my number on the back of his
hand but would he actually call me
yes he did and it got better each school
break he invited me to visit him he
booked a hotel room for us so his
parents wouldn't find out we stayed in
there from morning until evening
our long distance relationship continued
through high school and we had planned
to go to ucla afterwards so we could
live together but then came the bad news
i can't believe it but i got into
princeton university
wow i didn't know you applied there i
tried to hide my feelings and said
that's great i'm so proud of you
i'm sorry i can't turn it down it's the
chance of a lifetime please forgive me
no i understand i love you and i want
the best for you
but there's one more thing i'm young and
this long distance thing is killing me
it's best if we break up
i hung up how could he do this to me i
had waited years for him and now he
dumped me over the phone
i was really angry and decided to get a
rebound guy as soon as i got to ucla i
set my sights on derek he was smarter
and better looking than jacob he could
have gotten any girl he wanted if he
wasn't so shy so i accidentally bumped
into him oh no i'm sorry about that
don't worry
no it was my fault can i make it up to
you and invite you over for dinner
tonight
haha sure sounds good i ordered pizza to
my dorm and dressed as sexy as i could
he couldn't take his eyes off of me
hey here's my face you little perv
oh i'm sorry
no i was joking i like it you see you
are so hot you could do whatever you
want with me
oh girl we went straight to my bunk bed
and made out meanwhile my roommates
threw stuff at us telling us to be quiet
but we just ignored them
it was all a mistake though i should
have waited for our second or third date
because afterward derek only saw me as a
plaything hey are you free tonight yes
and i really want to watch the new ryan
gosling movie
nah let's skip that and go straight to
your bed
ouch he thought i was an easy girl he
could have fun with any time he wanted
he didn't see me as girlfriend material
at all but maybe that wasn't so bad
now i knew we would never become a
couple so why not exploit the situation
i took him shopping and said oh i love
this dress can you buy it for me oh i
didn't know i was paying but okay
i was shameless for sure but so was he
when we stopped for a coffee break at
starbucks he said let's make out in the
bathroom
ew it's dirty in there don't worry we'll
be careful
it was actually kind of fun especially
because someone kept knocking on the
door
please hurry in there i can't wait much
longer
and after 30 minutes a starbucks
employee showed up come out now or i'll
be forced to unlock the
be forced to unlock the we didn't care and continued until they
we didn't care and continued until they
came in
it was hilarious
[Music]
do
so
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