Calm down, calm down.
Do you want to hear this story or not?
Well then, hush.
Shirley, Shirley, we're not eating yet.
Put down the cake knife, Shirley.
Now, the story begins far, far away
in the place where all good fairytales start,
in Los Angeles.
There were two sisters.
Jenny, the perfect one who woke up perfect every morning,
and Daphne, the less than perfect one
who had to wake up to a perfect sister every morning.
J standing in the middle of nowhere j
j nobody wants me around j
j they tell me, girl, you better take care j
j the road you're on is leading down, down, down j
j I don't care what they tell me jp
j I don't care what people say j
j I don't buy what you're trying to sell me j
j it's more fun living my own way j
j hey, girl, think you're pretty smart &
j your world gonna fall apart &
j yeah, yeah, guess I'm pretty smart j
j ah, ah, ah, ah j
j pretty smart j!
J people tell me that I'm lazy j
j they say I'm breaking all their rules j
j they say the way I act is crazy j
j there's more to life than what you learn in school j!
J well I don't care what they tell me &
j I don't care what people say j
j I don't buy what you're trying to sell me j
j it's more fun living my own way j
j hey, girl, think you're pretty smart
j your world is gonna fall apart &
j yeah, yeah, guess I'm pretty smart j
j ah, ah, ah, ah j
j pretty smart j
your mother and I have talked about this.
And guess what we've decided?
Oh shit! - Oh, no!
J yah, yah, yeah j
j hey girl, think you're pretty smart j
j well, your world is gonna fall apart j
j yeah, yeah, guess I'm pretty smart j
j ah, ah, ah j
come on, it's not my fault.
J pretty smart j
I don't want me to be here either.
Can't we go any faster?
Yes, that's our castle.
And these are the girls who go to school there.
Pretty, aren't they?
Zero!
Bruce, we don't say nice Hooters.
Shirley, don't touch that cake.
Welcome back.
Samantha.
Hi, Mr. crawley.
Good to see you.
Shh, here come the sisters.
You kids be quiet while I tell you the story.
Hello, you are?
Jennifer ziegler.
Yes, I'm Richard crawley, the administrator.
We spoke on the phone.
How was your flight?
Fine, very nice.
Could you excuse me?
Of course.
I'm really looking foreword to being here at ogilvy.
I never wanna see that outfit again.
Eat shit.
To be continued.
He wants me.
I think we're in the same room.
Busy.
How are you?
I had a great summer.
I got to go swimming with my dad.
Does this bother you?
What about this?
And this?
Samanthal
jessical
you look fabulous!
Who's that?
Where's Hillary?
Oh, it's so awful.
She was stopped on her way home last semester
and she was carrying drugs.
No!
Like diet pills?
No, real drugs.
So, wouldn't you rather room with me?
No, she doesn't have much stuff
oh.
Toodles! - Toodles!
What's that?
Oh, it's a uniform.
Something crawley came up with.
It shows cleavage.
What the hell, we don't have to wear them
that often anyways.
Just when he wants to impress someone.
Who's crawley.
The administrator.
Oh, the Ken doll who was doing PR outside?
Yeah.
Samanthal
Andrea!
Fabulous! - Fabulous!
Heard about hilly, stunned, just stunned.
Who's that?
Wouldn't you rather room with me?
No, she doesn't have much stuff
Come on.
Hi, yuko.
This is torch.
You know zero,
and you're ziegler?
Zigs.
Well this place runs on stereotypes.
So, I'm the smart one, zero's the tough but vulnerable one,
and torch is.
The black one.
The worldly one, what are you?
The quiet one.
Can't be.
Averil's the quiet one.
This is it, the big sleep, 1st edition, signed.
Oh, I was in London, supposed to be buying clothes
and I saw this, I almost died.
Of course, I spent all my clothes money,
but what the hell?
I'd go naked for Chandler.
And it was like... - Don't worry, she runs down
after a while.
You better get dressed.
Orientation's in 10 minutes.
God, I hate that word.
Do you need help unpacking?
No, I'm not gonna be here very long.
Samantha.
No, she doesn't mind rooming with me
cause I don't have too much stuff
and she could use the extra closet space.
Where's Hillary?
She was eaten by missionaries.
Oh!
Our academy is well known for its love
and caring for each other.
And this year, we hope to see, to see
arise in, um, something.
Unless it snows,
in which case, there will be ducks for everyone.
As every year, you girls will be expected
to perform.
Card tricks.
To perform. - Brain surgery.
To perform. - Fellatio.
To perform.
Complete frontal nudity.
To perform.
This, of course, is the infamous great hall.
In 1542, in order to free himself
from huge child support payments,
the count had his 12 children locked in this very room
with over 200 rabid bats.
Ironically, after the children's demise,
it became apparent that they were the cause
of the marital problems, and the count and the countess
were soon reconciled.
Ah.
Thank you, Nathan.
Thank you very much.
Ready, out this way, please.
Now I'd like to introduce our faculty.
Professor raji, languages.
Mrs. dollop, history.
Mr. twill, etiquette and social graces.
Miss la croch, applied sciences.
And miss gentry, literature and art studies.
Look what just walked in.
Before you begin your individual class orientation,
I have an announcement to make.
There will be a TV crew and accreditation committee
here on Wednesday.
I would like four of you to help me
show them around this school,
represent ogilvy.
Samantha, Andrea,
Jessica, and inga.
I'm sorry, inga swenson.
Yes, well, one of you will be in the gardens
tomorrow moming at 8:30, in uniform, please.
Thank you all very much.
Who was that?
Nice do. - Thanks.
Did you hear Hillary got eaten by missionaries?
She's kidding.
Hello, ladies.
Hi, Mr. crawley.
Thank you.
This is english class.
I read, "how lovely you look today."
How lovely you look today.
Now you will, please, can you repeat the same phrase?
How lovely you look today.
No, how lovely you look today.
No, no, no, no, today.
Today. - Today, yes, yes.
I continue.
"Your teeth are like stars.
"They come out every night."
Your teeth are like stars.
They come out every night.
Those are the yahs.
Yahs?
Yah, swedes, yah, yah.
They agree to do everything.
They're kind of boring but they're real clean.
Yuks our token racist.
Hey, they're due.
When's the last time you heard a Swedish joke?
Those are crawley's favorites, the preens for supreen.
Yeah, that's what they say, but it's really
because they preen all the time.
And because their blow dryers sound
like preen. - Preen.
Then there's us, the subs.
Preens say it's for sub-humanoids.
We say it's for subculture.
Continue.
Miss alcalve,
the tango is already a dying art.
It doesn't need your help.
He just showed up one day.
He must know somebody.
Miss vanhooten, excuse me.
What is that you have in your mouth?
Miss vanhooten,
is that caviar, miss vanhooten?
Well, I certainly hope you brought enough
for everyone, miss vanhooten.
Okay, take five, everyone, please.
Sex can be a pleasurable thing,
blissful, even fun.
On the other hand, it can easily become
an unbearable kafkaesque nightmare.
But it doesn't really matter
as long as it serves its purpose.
We'll be using my text sex: Your best weapon
and the mechanical organs.
Today, we begin with some visual aids.
Oh god.
Oh, god!
Miss white.
Soup spoon.
Very well.
And this one?
Miss vanhooten?
Salad fork?
A salad fork?
Does this look like a salad fork, you silly cow?
Okay, you look dead, so let's cut the crap.
There will be no book lists, no lesson plans.
The one thing I do want you to do this semester, though,
is read three books, your choice.
And most of you know that here at ogilvy
you have to take your education into your own hands,
otherwise...
This, of course, is the infamous bishop's quarters.
It was in this very room that a 17th century
notorious bishop had intimate relations
with, as it were, a great Dane.
Of course, the relationship was doomed from the beginning.
The dog was agnostic.
Oh.
Okay, for those of you wondering what that's all about,
count hawke, who leases us this castle,
runs those tours through to defray his costs.
He's tried to break the lease since,
but, oh, it's a long story.
Anyway, what it comes down to is that
we're probably gonna get thrown out of here this year.
Tell them about the goats.
That's the lease, four goats a year.
I don't know.
Anyway, you can go.
But, remember, read.
More will be required of you in life
than knowing which fork to use at a formal dinner.
Nice do.
Yeah, my sister went here about five years ago.
They had really great teachers.
Then there was some kind of money trouble
and crawley appeared.
He started getting people no one else would have.
Who's she, she seems so normal.
She's okay, she went to school
here a long time ago.
Like 10 years ago.
She couldn't make it on the outside.
She came back to school, said she wanted to teach,
so I gave her a job.
Now, she's not very grateful.
What should I do about that?
I'm sure you'll think of something.
Perhaps she should be a little more careful.
After dinner drink?
How do they put it away like that and not get huge?
Round trip meal ticket.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that, really.
Yeah, right.
Look, sub, this is preen business,
so why don't you just crawl back to your table?
Somebody oughta get that bitch off drugs.
It's tobacco.
Where'd you learn that?
My brothers.
Are you okay?
Look, I know you're gonna do whatever you want,
but if you screw with crawley,
he's just gonna come down hard on the rest of us.
Look, all I wanna do is get outta here,
and the harder I push him, the sooner I'll be gone.
You won't have to put up with me anyway.
Besides, he's a wuss, what's he gonna do?
Yes?
Paris?
Sure.
How many kilos?
Fine.
Shit!
Shit.
Just get out, subs aren't supposed to be here.
Get out or I'll tell mister... Don't be a dweeb.
Where's Jenny?
She's not here, just get out.
I have to get ready to be on TV.
Oh, with Mr. crawley?
Great, good luck.
There has been some criticism of the ogilvy system.
Our curriculum has been disparagingly referred
to as minimalist.
But what others regard as our weakness,
we here know to be our strength.
Other schools are forced to construct their curricula
on foundations of speculation and indecision,
their educational needs dictated by ever-changing
because of this, those schools
are forced to offer a scattered curriculum,
a bit of this, a bit of that.
And the students rush from one form
of discipline to the next,
trying to find the one that fits.
By maintaining close contact with our alumni,
we've ascertained the specific needs of our students.
This is disgusting.
And have been able to strip away all that is superfluous.
This may not find favor among the academics,
but the public response is clear.
Our enrollment is up 20%.
Thank you.
Miss swenson, would you like to share
some of your ogilvy stories with us?
My experience at ogilvy helped me to grow.
This school and the fine leadership of Mr. crawley
have made the last three years.
Youl!
Miss ziegler, I think you may have something of mine,
and if you do not return it right now,
I'll kill you.
Let us all go in the castle now, please.
The castle itself is very much a part
of the ogilvy approach.
Not only does it serve as living quarters,
but its paintings, sculptures, its architecture,
make it an invaluable cultural and educational resource.
This way, please.
The question is, does ogilvy work?
This is Daphne ziegler.
Daphne is a selfish, spoiled, ignorant child.
Her parents have written her off as having no future,
but we're not ready to give up on her.
At ogilvy, we feel that she can become
a normal, functioning human being.
In our system, this transient lowlife
will soon give blossom to a beautiful, elegant Rose.
Cut.
This, of course, is the ritual
burning of the students' clothing
to ward off evil spirits in the castle.
Aha.
No, I don't think the price at all excessive,
considering that she's a granddaughter
of a supreen court justice.
Yes.
In the shower, in the room, everything.
Yes.
And there's some new tapes you might be interested in.
No, it's still the same arrangement.
You can come here to inspect the merchandise
or you can purchase them unseen.
Right.
Look, it's not as though we're talking
about a used automobile.
Yes.
You let me know when you've made your decision.
Come in.
May I help you?
Mr. crawley,
uh, I just wanted to apologize for everything I've done.
I understand why you did what you did.
All my life, I've always been different,
and all I ever wanted to be was like everybody else.
All I wanted to be was normal like everybody else.
But it never works.
I'm sorry.
I was wondering if there was anything I could do
to try and make up for what I've done.
There is something, Daphne.
Next week is the tennis tournament and luncheon.
There's some boys from burnside academy
that come here and play a little tennis with the girls.
It's mainly public relations,
but the girls seem to enjoy it.
I'd like you to handle the luncheon arrangements,
catering, atmosphere, et cetera.
Mr. crawley, that would be great.
But are you sure you feel comfortable
with giving me that much responsibility?
I mean, I'd understand if you didn't want to.
No, Daphne,
I'm very confident that you can handle this.
Thank you.
Do guys stay the night?
Yeah, you'd think crawley would figure out
what goes on.
They're rich, gorgeous,
not too smart, but...
Does this bother you?
A little.
Good, I mean good that you told me.
Hillary was really competitive about,
so we both walked around like that all the time.
I hated it.
That's it, three o'clock, three o'clock.
Hang on, let me get my racket.
You gave in awfully easy, what are you up to?
Nothing, just decided crawley was right, that's all.
Bullshit.
Hey, he's a babe.
Cute butt.
Peter?
Don't bother.
Everybody's tried to scam on him.
He must be gay.
Bummer.
Averil's pretty good, is she in the tournament?
It'd be a bad idea, it's strictly preen.
Crawley said it was a PR thing.
Yeah, preen relief.
He brings in the burnside boys
so the preen can give their vibrators a rest.
Daphne.
How's the arrangements coming?
Oh, great, Mr. crawley.
I think we're gonna have something really special here.
I'm looking forward to it.
Great, Mr. crawley,
I think we're going to have something very special here.
Hey.
Yeah?
Nothing, forget it.
You see?
Just like a handshake.
Like this?
Daphne.
Now I can count on you guys?
Yes.
Guess what, I called mom and dad.
You called them without telling me?
I called them and I told them what crawley did.
They said you can go home.
They're wiring the money for a ticket.
Geez, Jen, I don't think I wanna go home.
I kinda like it here.
People are so nice and I'm learning so much.
Okay, look, I don't know what you're up to,
but this is something I've wanted for a long time,
and I don't know why you wanna screw it up
for me. - I don't wanna screw you
up, Jen, I just wanna be like you.
You're not going, are you?
Fuck you, Daphne.
Fuck you.
So, you sold out.
Excuse me,
my english is, uh, bad.
How would you say this in english, please?
My dog.
Has unusually low.
Has un?
Unusually low.
Testosterone level.
Testoster one level, thank you.
That wasn't very nice.
Somebody's gotta do it.
These will give some pertinent information
about the burnside gentlemen,
family background, net worth, et cetera.
As every year after the tennis tournament,
the boys will be joining us for dinner
and then spending the night in the east wing.
I'm sure you'll all deport yourselves appropriately.
And do remember that, while boys don't like to lose,
neither do they like to be made aware
that they're being allowed to win.
Enjoy yourselves, ladies.
He looks cute.
So cute.
Wait a minute.
Cheers.
I'll take old money, you take publishing.
Oh, I'm so hot.
Hi, I'm Samantha.
We're thinking of having her spayed.
I think we're paired for a match.
That's nice.
Hey.
You're funny.
Yes.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
How'd you like to spend some time with me?
With you?
Yeah!
No.
Oh.
Trip!
New balls, please.
I got the last one.
Are we having fun yet?
Of course it can be arranged.
Jessica.
I'd like you to meet Mr. Moore.
Hello.
Oh, you remind me of my father.
So, your family's in publishing.
Telephone books.
That must be interesting.
I guess.
How do you like burnside?
It's okay.
Play a lot of tennis?
Some.
Wanna make mad, passionate love like crazed animals
until, drained, we collapse into two piles
of sweaty, heaving flesh?
Sure.
American food.
Oh.
How quaint.
Interesting spread, Mr. crawley.
You seen your sister?
No.
Good!
Ingrid.
I'd like you to meet miss gillingham
and Mr. Perez.
Hello.
My dog has an unusually low testosterone level, yah?
This is getting interesting.
Don't everybody panic, we are professional musicians.
All right!
Look, some muscles.
Oh, splendid, splendid.
Different sort of girl, isn't she?
Those muscles.
Arose, bud.
She got him. - Yeah, really.
Good one.
Now, this, of course, is...
I don't know what the hell this is.
J break down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah j
my dog has an unusually low testosterone level.
This is kind of a groovy castle.
I've got one!
Oh, whoa.
My dad had a castle like this.
You're with me. - Hey, what?
I'm not gonna do that,
you pervert! - No, come on, honey!
Owl!
Yes, you.
Can I leave my shorts on?
This is bullshit.
Doesn't anyone have any soul food?
God. - So, Daphne, why didn't you
tell us what you were up to?
We could've helped you.
I don't know, I didn't wanna get anybody else in trouble.
My ass, you just want all the credit.
You're right.
It was my fight, I owed crawley one.
Right, now you're gonna run home
while the rest of us pay for it.
No, I'm staying.
This place isn't so bad now that I'm here.
Please. - Oh, god.
Besides, crawley isn't gonna do shit.
We kicked his ass.
Yeah.
Where'd you get that band?
They were so '70s.
Yeah, and who blew up all those balloons?
Gold card.
That's so gross.
What is that, your preen imitation?
No, that's my me imitation.
Wanna see me preen imitation?
Yeah. - Yeah.
Are you done yet?
Hey, screw the preens, we're having fun.
Not that much fun.
Shut up.
Well, hell, if you're all gonna mope.
This'll kill your appetite.
What is this, porn?
Rumpleforeskin?
Put it on.
Oh, trip.
I was so worried.
Trip, I wouldn't hurt you.
I don't know about this.
Doctor said no sex for a week.
Maybe life after that match today.
Oh no, not there!
Interesting choice.
I thought you'd like it.
Okay, baby, ready?
Ew, you've got hair on your back!
How does it work?
We put the merchandise in one of the girl's suitcases
and embarrass her at customs.
Contact picks up the bag and makes sure its misplaced.
Simple as that.
The simplicity's what makes it effective.
And your success rate?
Only one minor shipment's been lost in three years.
Impressive.
Who will carry the package?
Choose one.
Her.
But how do you control that many girls?
It's very easy,
just divide and conquer.
What are they watching?
Doesn't it hurt the guy when you do that?
Why would it hurt?
No, I mean, it's like she's inflating him.
Where does all the air go?
You don't blow, silly, you suck.
You suck?
No way.
Well then what happens when he...
I don't believe this conversation.
Use your imagination.
That's disgusting.
What about you, averil, you're awful quiet?
I don't know much.
Zigs?
Well, there was this guy once,
and I liked him and he liked me,
but he was pretty shy about putting out.
And?
Well, one night, I put him on the spot
and he got tense, so I just got tired of him.
Tough guy, ziegler.
Oh, trip.
Hey, look at me, I'm Groucho Marx.
Ew, would you look at the cottage cheese on her thighs?
Is all porn this clinical?
Boring.
That's why we've got fast forward.
That's how fast most guys do it.
Ew, what are they?
He's not going to?
Oh! - Gross!
Ewl
He had hair on his back.
I've had more romantic evenings with a Turkey baster.
Then again, Turkey basters aren't worth $12 million.
Morning, ladies.
Morning.
I hope you all enjoyed yourselves yesterday.
We can all thank miss ziegler for the unique entertainment.
Now I have a surprise for you.
This afternoon, you'll be leaving for a day in Paris.
Unfortunately, not all of you will be going.
This little cultural excursion is a reward
for the girls who conducted themselves
appropriately yesterday.
And we all know who those girls are, don't we?
Yes, we do.
The rest of you will remain here,
attending classes.
I'll be here to make sure of that.
Again, we can all thank miss ziegler.
Thank you, miss ziegler.
Now, I believe some of you have packing to do.
I'm so excited!
Have a wonderful trip, ladies.
Drive safe, make sure they have fun.
Yes?
It arrived safely?
Good.
No, no, dollars, not francs.
All right, thank you.
The hell with this.
Come on, come on.
Zigs!
Come on, let's go.
Come on!
Come on, hurry up.
Okay, we forgive you.
Oh, great, now that we're on a field trip?
Well, yeah.
You screwed things up and we were pissed
but, well, now everything's okay, so you're okay.
Well don't you at least feel bad
for making me feel like shit?
No, sometimes friends dump friends.
That's life.
It was a Tuesday and all was quiet
on the peaceful isle of rhodes until.
Schoolgirls from hell!
J been waiting day and night j
j for the show to begin j
j this town is really tiny j
j and these boys are gonna play to win
j the saxophone's playing, really burning j
j can you feel the heat j
j everybody's swaying and they're turning j&
j to the rocking beat j
ds well &
come on in, the water's great!
Come on, zigs, you're missing the good stuff!
Cool is the rule.
J just zap me and the boys j
j will be here Justin time j
jd we was born to rock j
j born to rock j
j yeah, you know that we're ready j
j ready as we'll ever be
j our nerves are holding steady j
j and we're headed for a victory j
help!
White chicks.
J and no one's gonna top us j
j cause we're better than all the rest &
j well, well, we'll be rocking on the dead sea j
j singing out in Harmony j
j just as happy as a boy could be j
j just in style &
jd we were born to rock &
this is nice.
Isn't this nice?
Zero, it's missing a horn.
So, who looks at the horns?
J just can't stop j
j born to rock j
j just can't stop j
j born to rock j
very tasteful.
What'd you guys get?
That's cool.
J born to rock j
This is so much better than a bunch of frog food.
But crawley's gonna be pissed.
Floor. - Fuck him.
Fuck him!
You should stick together.
Stick together!
And you should work together with the preens.
Let's not go overboard!
Okay, okay, okay, okay, true confessions.
True confession.
Av. - Hmm?
Remember that twist and shout 45?
Mint condition.
Yeah, the one that got warped.
I said I didn't know how it got that way.
Yeah?
Well, I lied.
I left it sitting out in the sun and it got warped.
It's okay.
True confession.
True confession, zigs.
True confession, remember that story I told you
about that guy I was mean to?
Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, it's true, except it's flip-flopped.
I just did everything he wanted,
and it really wasn't so bad because I really liked him.
And one night, he said he wanted to do it.
And I really didn't want to.
But he sort of made me.
So now I'm just me and I'll never do anything
just because somebody wants me to, ever.
Seems to me like you do exactly the opposite
of what people expect you to.
What you want never enters into it.
Let's jam.
One, two, one, two, three, four!
That was so much fun! - Leave a suitcase,
gain a wardrobe.
The subs are gonna shit when they see these.
What is that?
I don't know.
I can't see.
Oh my gosh, I don't believe it.
What is this?
It's the subs. - It's the subs.
Wait til they find out about this.
Party, party, party,
party, party, party, party!
Party, party!
He'll only take his socks off.
Hey, what's that supposed to be, girl?
You're so repressed.
Hey, Samantha, you better not stay out here too long.
I hear silicone melts when it gets hot.
Ooh.
Cram it, scumbag.
Oh. - Oh!
If you mud wrestle, I'm sure crawley
could put together a fundraiser.
Don't worry about it.
All right, book reports
for those of you kind enough to turn one in.
No.
Okay, yuko, the big sleep.
Yes!
Torch, 1984.
Zigs, Nietzsche's beyond good and evil.
Thinking of becoming a fascist?
Maybe.
Zero, the story of o.
Please.
Samantha, the sun also rises.
Very impressive, a lot of people
have a hard time with Hemingway.
Her lips must've been exhausted.
Cram it, zigs.
Want some band aids?
I don't need these.
Oh, would you like some band aids for your nipples?
I want to see you in my office, now.
What happened?
I'm history.
He fired you? - Yep.
You're the only thing that keeps this place
from being a total joke!
Shit!
I'm gonna get him and his fucking preens.
No.
Don't use me as an excuse for your little games.
Little games?
Sarah, ever since the day I...
Zigs, you're so busy fighting for the sake of fighting
that you can't see what's going on.
What's going on is that he gives them everything
and we get shit!
Good, you're doing exactly what he wants you to do.
Come on, think.
He's throwing you against each other.
As long as you're at each other's throats,
he can control you.
If you'd stop thrashing around for one second,
you'd see that you aren't any different from the preens.
What?
Remember what you said last night,
about never being what anybody else wants you to be?
You're so busy fighting against
what crawley wants you to be,
the preens are busy fighting to be what crawley wants,
and nobody's really fighting to be what they want.
This, of course, is the infamous guest room.
It was in this very room that Benito Mussolini
lost his virginity.
He was 42 at the time.
Wow.
We're gonna miss you.
Bye.
Yes.
Uh huh, five kilos to Rome?
Yes, that can be arranged.
Next week, yes.
And that will be dollars, not lira.
Hey, you sure made a success out of the tennis party.
Thanks.
Crawley's probably still wondering what happened.
Alex.
Zigs.
Zigs?
Ziegler, Daphne ziegler.
They call me zigs.
What are you doing here?
You don't seem like everyone else.
My parents.
What are you listening to?
Public image, ever heard these guys?
Mm mm, they good?
Great, you should listen to them.
What've you got?
Oh, techno pop.
I've got other stuff.
You can borrow my tape some time.
You really should listen to these guys.
Well, there's not a whole hell of a lot
we can do about it.
We can get crawley.
Look, we already lost Sarah, so why don't you
just kick back til the end of the semester.
Just be good and nothing else will go wrong.
It's all your fault.
If you hadn't pulled that shit at the tennis tournament,
crawley wouldn't have sent us to Paris,
Sarah wouldn't have taken you out,
and she wouldn't have gotten fired.
Bullshit, where the hell did you come up with that?
You know it's true.
You're a bitch.
A final note,
with the departure of Sarah gentry,
we find ourselves with some extra money.
I think it might be just enough
to refurbish the south wing.
The preens' rooms.
Damn, what a rip-off.
Yes?
Hello, Mr. Omar, how are you?
The day after tomorrow, that shouldn't be a problem.
Well, you do understand there is a possibility
that particular girl may not work out.
Well, I'm an entrepreneur, Mr. Omar, not a pimp.
Yes.
Dollars.
Good.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Goodbye.
Now, in the area of arousal,
it might help you to think of the penis
as being similar to a nipple,
only, hopefully, larger.
Hopefully.
Come in.
You wanted to see me?
Yes, how would you like to spend the day in Rome?
Sure.
Crawley wants to see you right away.
Why?
I don't know, but he seemed mad.
Where?
Dining hall.
Surprise!
Okay, so we threw you a party.
Now will you stop dragging your ass around
like somebody shot your dog?
How did you guys know it's my birthday?
We went through all your stuff the first day.
Oh, swell.
We made the mistake of letting yuko
take care of the decorations.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, zigs!
Techno pop?
Classic motown.
Later.
Woo!
Hey, look, she got a tape,
but what is she gonna play it on?
No.
Yes.
Oh my god.
Oh, rad!
Now we don't have to try and guess
what you're listening to.
This sucks.
Just staring.
Got them in Paris.
Thanks.
I picked the last thing I'd wear.
Good call.
You've blown your cover.
I know, I'm probably gonna have to kiss a lot of ass
to make up for this.
Really?
Maybe not.
Well I can knock you down or something
if it would help.
That's okay.
Remember when we used to do this?
J baby, baby, when I look in your eyes j
j I know that something is wrong j
j I've done my best j!
J lord knows I've tried j
j but now I just can't go on j
j darling, something is telling me j
j this love of ours wasn't meant to be &
j hate to see a good love turn to bad
j hate to see the good times turn to sad j
J help me j
j baby, baby, I'm down on my knees j
j I've done all one man can do j
j won't you listen, take j
Do you really wanna be like them?
Unfortunately, I was wrong about that extra cash.
We're not gonna be able to refurbish your rooms, after all.
That money will just have to go to someone
who's a little more appreciative.
You know, your values really suck.
I'm working on it.
Hey.
Crawley, you dick, put that down!
Good night, ladies.
And so the party grinds to an ugly halt.
We can still play twister.
Exactly what drugs are you on?
Zero.
Zero!
What?
I'm going out to get my stuff.
I just wanted to tell you, but you don't have to go.
Yeah, right.
Look, if you don't wanna get yourself thrown out,
throw me that black t-shirt.
Hey, where are you guys going?
We're going to get zigs' stuff.
All right, let me get my stuff.
Hey, what are we doing?
Shh!
We're going to get zigs' stuff.
Cool!
Is there anyone else we should get to come along?
No.
Here, let me try.
Sure.
Where'd you learn that, reform school
for the over-privileged?
Hey, picking locks is a family trait.
All right!
I hardly think that's necessary.
One can't be too careful.
The safe is in my office.
Wow, we got Chandler.
Okay, I got it, let's go.
Wait, what the hell is this?
Hey, he's not gay.
And he smokes.
I'd kill for boobs like that.
Your boobs are fine.
Geez, Jen.
I don't believe this.
I'm gonna fucking kill him.
Shit.
Have a seat.
Thank you very much.
I have to pee.
What?
Do you inspect it?
Shit.
Well, that's between you and your recipient.
You were interested in seeing some tapes.
Yes, that would be most enjoyable.
Shit!
Actually, some other time, it would be better.
I must going.
Would you like to take the papers?
I'm afraid I brought no cash.
You've got it tomorrow night.
We have.
Thank you.
Hurry. - Please.
Please, hurry, please.
Don't you think that, like, in a relationship,
one person should be in control, dominant,
and then the other person
should just kinda go along?
Put these on, I gotta talk to you.
What?
Look.
Hi, gordy.
Come on.
I gotta go, I'll see you later.
Come on!
How stupid do you think we are?
Well.
You really thought we'd believe this shit about crawley?
Let's go.
Except you, you're out.
Samantha.
So?
Who's seen this?
Crawley, all his friends, a lot of people.
What are we gonna do?
Well, we could...
Shoot the fucker.
Oh, good, the Jane eyre school of problem solving.
Look, why don't we just turn him in?
We know all the drugs are going out
and we know where all the tapes are.
No.
If we do that, it would be the end of our school.
Everyone would find out.
Our parents would never send us back here.
It'd all be over,
and everyone would see the tapes.
She's right.
We have to get rid of crawley,
but we have to do it ourselves.
And we have to do it quietly.
Cut his dick off.
We thought of that, but what would we do with it?
Okay, how about this?
Jennifer.
Let me carry that.
So is this your first trip to Rome?
I know you're gonna enjoy yourself.
You go on down, I'll bring this with me.
Have a fun trip, Jenny.
You get it?
How'd you like to do something for me tonight?
Sure.
Okay.
What?
Mission accomplished.
Good, and I've talked to the yahs and the newts.
Oh, I wanted to tell them.
Yeah, we know, we wanted them to understand.
Okay, okay, everything's okay,
just as long as there's no surprises.
Hey.
I'll be right back.
Hurry up.
Herr reiner, Mr. valdez,
Mr. choa. - Hi.
They're from Columbia.
They're very interested in our export business.
Herr reiner is an erotic card collector.
Let's begin, gentlemen.
Oh, gordy!
One and two.
And three and four and one.
Higher, higher, get them up!
Me, me next.
No, me!
Me! - Me!
No, I meant without the pillow.
No, no!
Have you no school pride?
I can't breathe!
Crawley, crawley, crawley.
Crawley, crawley,
crawley, crawley, crawley, crawley,
crawley.
Herr crawley, my card.
I find this most enjoyable.
Please, let me know when you have more tapes.
Crawley, crawley, crawley, crawley,
crawley, crawley, crawley,
crawley, crawley, crawley, crawley.
Very effective.
Thank you.
You ladies should be getting to bed.
You still have classes tomorrow.
Oh really?
Surprise.
So.
Hello?
Crawley,
you son of a bitch.
Anyone here speak Italian?
You make me
shit my pants.
I soiled myself, on the back of myself.
He said something about getting you
a pair of cement loafers, if that makes any sense to you.
That's it!
Bye bye.
What you lack in intelligence,
you more than make up for in instinct.
Do you mind, I have some packing to do.
Ever think about getting into politics?
So how does it feel to be the new school administrator?
Well, we'll see if he renews the lease, huh?
Where is he?
Four goats?
Maybe he's forming a barbershop quartet?
Oh, somebody shoot her.
Whoever writes her lines.
You should've rolled crawley for some cash,
then at least we'd have some money
now to fulfill the lease.
Money, you think that's all count hawke cares about,
is money?
Yes, it is I, count hawke.
We go through this every year.
Yes, I've been watching you, young lady.
Uh oh.
And I like what I see.
This girl has values,
slightly twisted perhaps,
but values, nonetheless.
My nephew Alex says that you're good people,
so I've decided to renew your lease.
All right!
100 years.
Now, same terms, four goats every year on this day.
Don't muck it up.
Alex, come on.
Thank you.
Those goats.
We gotta find out.
Be careful.
I told you we should've turned right
at that fork in the road.
Shut up. - My shoes are thrashed.
At least we're here.
Probably gone.
Shh, come on.
And there lies the happy ending.
Oh, everybody gather round, gather round.
I'm ready now.
I got an idea.
Oh, isn't it a lovely cake?
Surprise!
Oh, my goodness, oh my goodness.
Oh, I've never had such a birthday.
This is wonderful.
Oh, my, it's always been just the goats.
So you're like royalty or something, right?
Yeah, but it's okay because we're poor.
Thank god.
You're gonna stay, coming back.
You're not gonna leave.
These, of course,
are the infamous final credits.
I don't know what the heck half these people do.
And they all lived happily ever after,
more or less.
Yes, Shirley, we can eat now.
J standing in the middle of nowhere j
j nobody wants me around j
j they tell me, girl, you better take care
j the road you're on is leading down, down, down j
j I don't care what they tell me &
j I don't care what people say j
j I don't buy what you're trying to sell me j
j it's more fun living my own way j
j hey, girl, think you're pretty smart
j your world is gonna fall apart &
j yeah, yeah, I guess I'm pretty smart j
j ah, ah, ah, ah j
j pretty smart j
J been waiting day and night j
j for the show to begin j
j this town is really tiny j
j and these boys are gonna play to win
j the saxophone is playing, really burning j
j can you feel the heat j
j everybody's swaying and they're turning j&
j to the rocking beat j
j well, we're rocking on the dead sea j
j singing in Harmony j
j just as happy as a boy can be j
j and I just can't stop
jd we were born to rock &
j born to rock j
j well you know that we're ready j
j ready as we'll ever be
j our nerves are holding steady j
j and we're headed for a victory j
j ain't nothing gonna stop us j
j when they put us to the test j
j ain't no one gonna top us j
j cause we're better than all the rest &
j well, well, we'll be rocking on the dead sea j
j singing in Harmony j
j just happy as a boy can be j
j and we just can't stop j
jd we were born to rock &
j born to rock j
j just can't stop j
j born to rock j