来吧，足球！加油，加油！ Come on, football! Go, go!
哦，来吧。 Oh, come on.
踢足球！ Play football!
悬疑音乐剧 [Suspenseful music plays]
生物生长缓慢 [ Creature growls softly]
-生物咆哮-啊！ -[ Creature snarls] -Aaah!
刀 [Slashl ]
瑞克：所以，你是在采矿 RICK: So, you're mining stuff to craft with
和手工制作的东西？ and crafting stuff to mine with?
-嗯-你爸爸写这个游戏了吗？ -Uh-huh. -Did your dad write this game?
-平均-直升机叶片旋转 -Mean. -[ Helicopter blades whirring]
先生们，华盛顿的一个朋友需要你！ Gentlemen, you're needed by a friend in Washington!
多么秘密。 How clandestine.
萨帕尔 [Zapl ]
如果他们能传送，我们为什么要—— If they can teleport, why did we take --
在这里工作，史蒂夫，和你一样！ | just work here, Steve, same as you!
模糊的谈话 [ Indistinct conversation]
好了，好了，好了。 All right. All right, all right.
-总统先生。-是时候了，先生们。 -Mr. President. -|t's about time, gentlemen.
里克，你需要在这里喝酒吗？ Rick, do you need to drink in here?
-是的。-这是冒险。 -Yes. -Here's the adventure.
某种外星人。谷歌 Some kind of alien...googa
已经感染了肯尼迪的性隧道。 has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels.
我想把它找出来，然后把它拿出来。 I want it hunted down and taken out.
肯尼迪性爱隧道？ Kennedy Sex Tunnels?
很自然地，你会忘记你看到他们， Naturally, you'll forget you saw them,
与此同时，为了国家的尴尬， along with, in order of national embarrassment,
杜鲁门可卡因酒廊，麦金利妓女的垃圾场， the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump,
还有林肯奴隶大剧场。 and the Lincoln Slave Coliseum.
他并没有把他们全部释放。 He didn't free them all.
当你做完的时候告诉我。 And let me know when you're done.
也许我们可以拍一张自拍照？ Maybe then we could get a selfie?
太忙了，莫蒂。跟我说说这次峰会吧。 Too busy, Morty. Now tell me about this summit.
它是和平的还是常规的？ Is it a peace one or a regular one?
哔哔声 [ Beeping ]
咆哮 [Growling]
快！快！快！ [Zap!Zap!Zap!]
捕鲸者 [Whimpers]
呃，这太糟糕了。 Ugh. This sucks.
天哪，告诉我吧。 God, tell me about it.
哦，天哪，如果你不喜欢的话 Oh, man. If you're not into it --
你是什么意思？我为什么要加入？ What do you mean? Why would I be into it?
-你太差劲了-你太差劲了，莫蒂。 -|t's lame. -You're into lame stuff, Morty.
我认为年轻的笨蛋们认为这是一种荣誉 I thought young dumb people considered it an honor
为总统工作或做任何事。 to work for presidents or whatever the shit.
也许是前几次，但这太糟糕了。 Maybe the first few times, but this just sucks.
他待我们如捉鬼敢死队。 He treats us like Ghostbusters.
-我们应该和他谈谈。-是的，听起来很有趣。 -We should talk to him. -Yeah, that sounds fun.
让我们用一个被宠坏的控制狂来设定一些界限 Let's set some boundaries with a spoiled control freak
认为他统治世界 that thinks he runs the world
并下令无人机袭击以应对他的不安全感。 and orders drone strikes to cope with his insecurity.
要么是这个，要么是更多。 It's either that or more of this.
第三选择…… Third choice...
-“我的Minecraft”-你现在喜欢吗？ -"Minecraft." -You like it now?
老实说，莫蒂。它在我身上生长。 Got to be honest, Morty. It's growing on me.
通知总统。 Notify the president.
-告诉他什么？-告诉他真相。 -What do | tell him? -Tell him the truth.
告诉他里克和莫蒂刚刚从美国吹走了。 Tell him Rick and Morty just blew off America.
戏剧音乐戏剧 [Dramatic music plays]
莫蒂：你可以用那木头做一个胸部。 MORTY: You can use that wood to make a chest.
瑞克：哦，很好。那么我就可以把所有的木头都储存起来了。 RICK: Oh, good. Then I can store all this wood
以后我还需要做些什么。 I'll need later for chest-making.
莫蒂：好吧，你不会玩得很开心的。 MORTY: Okay. You're not going to have fun
如果你分析一切。 if you analyze everything.
这是他们宁愿做的事吗？ This is what they'd rather do?
这些都在文字记录里。 It's all in the transcript.
“对待我们就像捉鬼敢死队。” "Treats us like Ghostbusters."
所以，捉鬼敢死队现在不酷？ So, Ghostbusters aren't cool now?
我不记得签署那项法案了。 I don't recall signing that bill.
"控制狂" "Control freak."
“命令无人机来对付……” "Orders drone strikes to cope with..."
“不安全感。” "Insecurity."
我们应该打击他们吗？ Should we drone-strike them?
-那会证明他是对的！-然后把他炸死。 -That would prove him right! -And blow him up.
把电话给我。 Give me the phone.
瑞克：这个游戏在自闭症患者中很流行吗？ RICK: Is this game popular with autistic people?
你为什么这么说？ Why would you say something like that?
因为我开始喜欢它了。 'Cause I'm starting to love it.
手机振动 [Cellphone vibrating]
莫蒂：“不回答是重罪吗？” MORTY: "Failure to answer is a felony offense"?
瑞克：玩得很酷。 RICK: Play it cool.
据他所知，我们还在隧道里。 As far as he knows, we're still in the tunnels.
国防部长：咯咯笑 SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: [Chuckles]
我们什么时候可以看到他们？ When should we reveal we can see them?
我们现在拿着所有的牌。 We're holding all the cards right now.
在时间之前，我们不会展示任何东西。 We don't show any before the time is right.
-太棒了。-rck:Yello？ -Awesome. -R|CK: Yello?
嗨，伙计们。我们。总统打电话。 Hi, guys. US. President calling.
-你好吗？-哦，嘿。 -How's it going? -Oh, hey.
就在这条性隧道gagoo上努力工作。 Just hard at work on this sex tunnel gagoo.
我认为这是我们的新对手，你知道吗？ I think it's kind of our new archnemesis, you know?
这可能需要一段时间。 It might take a while.
你认为，莫蒂，一个月？ What do you think, Morty, a month?
手指交叉，一个月，是的。 Fingers crossed, a month, yeah.
你在撒谎！ You lying dicks!
我看到你的屁股在玩“我的游戏”！ I see your asses playing "Minecraft"!
我让你上了卫星！ I got you on satellite!
这是对的。 That's right.
你有什么要说的吗？ What do you have to say for yourselves?
很明显，这看起来很糟糕，总统先生。 Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr. President.
我的意思是，什么看起来不坏 I mean, what doesn't look bad
通过一颗非法间谍卫星？ through an illegal spy satellite?
别把我搞得太大。 Don't high-road me.
你们两个人每天违反1,000条联邦法律。 The two of you break 1,000 federal laws a day.
-哇，真的吗？-太酷了。 -Wow, really? -That's pretty cool.
是的，是的，是的，是的，你不时地拯救这个世界。 And, yes, yes, yes, yes, you save the world now and then.
美国也会支持这一政策 America returns that favor
不让你们俩对自己的法律负责。 by not holding the two of you accountable to its laws.
-哦！-哦！哦，上帝。 -Oh! -Oh! Oh, God.
我们——我们不知道你是这么看的。 We -- We didn't know you saw it that way.
好吧，这不是任何人的错。 Well, it's nobody's fault.
可以说，我们从来没有“谈话”。 We never had "the talk," so to speak.
瑞克：对，我的意思是，我们看待它的方式， RICK: Yeah. I mean, the way we see it,
当我们出现时，这是对你的恩惠。 when we show up, that's the favor to you.
特别是，当结果出来的时候 Especially, you know, when it turns out
你想让别人过来只是因为你发现了 you wanted someone to come over just because you found
地下室的“x档案”怪物。 an "X-Files" monster in your basement.
至于为什么你从来没有，比如，逮捕我们， As for the reason you've never, like, arrested us,
我们假设你只知道这是不可能的， we assumed you just knew that it was impossible,
如果你试过。 like, if you tried.
你知道，它不会很好。 You know, it wouldn't go well.
不会很好？你能详细说明一下吗？ Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate?
我认为你的1,000条法律中有一条说，不，我不能详细说明。 I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate.
相信我，我们都不想去那里。 Just trust me. None of us want to go there.
这是我们永远不需要的。 Which we'll never have to.
顺便说一下，我们将继续拯救地球。 By the way, we'll keep on saving the Earth.
你知道，我们很乐意这么做。 You know, we're -- we're happy to do that.
瑞克：对，但不是因为它包含了美国—— RICK: Yeah, but not because it contains America --
因为搬到一个新版本的地球是一个母狗和一半。 because moving to a new version of Earth is a bitch and a half.
但请随时打电话给我们，你知道，就像，朋友一样。 But feel free to call us, you know, as -- as, like, friends.
是的，如果你想自拍—— Yeah, like, if you ever want to take a selfie --
那么，我们酷吗？ So, are we cool?
总统：是的，谢谢，先生们。 PRESIDENT: Yes. Thank you, gentlemen.
我告诉过你，伙计！ I told you, man!
我印象深刻，莫蒂。那真是太好了。 I'm impressed, Morty. That went really well.
模糊的谈话 [ Indistinct conversations]
每个人，都要抓住你们自己！ Everybody, get ahold of yourselves!
先生，我们新的Rick和Morty政策是什么？ Sir, what is our new Rick and Morty policy?
我们的政策是，我们从不需要它们，以后也不会再这样做了。 Our policy is, we never needed them and never will again.
今天，我们庆祝我们的独立 Today, we celebrate our independence
里克和莫蒂。 from Rick and Morty.
大家都出去了。 Everyone out.
慢节奏音乐播放 [ Down-tempo music plays]
“我怎么能从你的爱中走出来？” J‘ How can I move on from your love? J‘
男士：今年春天在服装市场，有一件衣服出售。 MAN: All this spring at Clothes Mart, there's a clothes sale.
到服装区来。 Come on down to the clothes section.
我只是为了好玩才放上去的，我知道我买不了。 I just put it on for fun. I know I can't buy it.
哦，来吧，你看起来棒极了！你只年轻一次。 Oh, come on. You look great! You're only young once.
只要承诺，如果结果太强烈， Just promise, if the results are too strong,
你会使用保护。 you'll use protection.
真的吗？！谢谢！ Really?! Thanks!
-你什么时候得到的？-我不知道。 -When did you get rad? -I don't know.
也许我适应了离婚，一切都是新的。 Maybe I adjusted to the divorce and everything's new.
我会说，我不能忍受你 I'll say. I couldn't stand you
在此之前的一个多小时。 for more than an hour at a time before.
不，不，不冒犯。 [Chuckles] No -- No offense.
我喜欢它。它很棒。你就像一个不同的人。 I like it. It's great. You're like a different person.
是的。 Yeah.
不同的人。 Different person.
悬疑音乐剧 [Suspenseful music plays]
康托托。 Contato.
哇！吸血鬼！啊！ Vamos! Vamos! Aaah!
你觉得怎么样，莫蒂？ How do you like that, Morty?
哇！就像“我的游戏”！ Whoa! Just like "Minecraft"!
哦，一个小型的有核能力的物种 Ooh, a tiny nuclear-capable species
刚刚在亚马逊被发现。 just got discovered in the Amazon.
让我们先在别人面前做第一次接触 Let's go make first contact before someone else
-得到他们所有的大便。-这是什么？ -gets all their shit. -What about this?
南方公园四年前就这么做了，莫蒂。 South Park did it four years ago, Morty.
-它们速度很快。-R CK：或者我们很慢。 -They're fast. -R|CK: Or we're slow.
悬疑音乐剧 [Suspenseful music plays]
别这么做，伙计们。 Don't do it, guys.
伤亡将是“巴西人” The casualties would be in the "Brazilians"
因为你是巴西人。 because you're Brazilian.
这是一个威胁和一个双关语。 It's a threat and a pun.
没人能理解我。 Nobody gets me.
美国人！ Americanos! Pressa!
隆隆声 [Rumbling]
噢，你好，里克。你也在这里。 Oh. Hello, Rick. You're here, too.
我想这是一场全球危机。 I guess this is a global crisis.
哦，天哪，总统先生， Oh, God. Uh, Mr. President,
莫蒂和我的情况已经很好了。 Morty and I have the situation covered.
我相信你做到了。 I'm sure you did.
-被解雇了-被解雇了？ -Dismissed. -Dismissed?
是的，被解雇了。 Yeah, dismissed.
这里不需要，你可以离开，没人会在意。 Not needed here. You can leave and nobody will care.
你以前没听说过吗？ Have you never heard that before?
你知道如何消除这种威胁吗？ Do you even know how to take out this kind of threat?
我们没有把它拿出来。 We're not taking it out.
我们将收缩并通过外交途径接近他们。 We're going to shrink down and approach them diplomatically.
你在吃药吗？-你还在这里吗？ -R|CK: You shrink with pills? -Are you still here?
难道你不应该去下一个版本的地球吗 Shouldn't you be going down to your next version of Earth
带着你的喜欢的明星伙伴？ with your selfie-craving star-fucker sidekick?
-哇！-我们被允许在这里。 -Whoa! -We're allowed to be here.
你不是亚马逊的总裁。 You aren't president of the Amazon.
是的，我知道你在学校的工作。 Yeah, I learned about your job in school.
你是公务员。 You're a civil servant.
从技术上讲，我们是你的老板。 We're technically your boss.
噢，求你了，莫蒂。 Oh, please, Morty.
你付的税和你的阴毛一样多。 You pay as many taxes as you have pubes.
哦，我得到了耻骨，在queef。 Oh, I got pubes, Commander-in-Queef.
-你想数一下吗？-在queef。 -Y-You want to count them? -Commander-in-Queef.
就这样！去吧！ That's it! Do it!
认识稀有元素Sanchez-eum？ Recognize the rare element Sanchez-eum?
我们已经准备了一段时间的里克-Ievel的可能性。 We've been preparing for a Rick- Ievel eventuality for some time.
你的意思是你一直在命令别人为它做准备 You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it
当你在和平峰会上坐在你的屁股上。 while you sat on your ass at peace summits.
-和平峰会很重要！-哦，耶！他们工作得很好！ -Peace summits are important! -Oh, yeah! They work great!
我们真的快被淹没了！ We're really drowning in peace!
-你太烂了！-你太烂了！ -You suck! -You suck!
任务组阿尔法，准备收缩。 Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink.
顺便问一下，有一个任务小组的阿尔法健康计划吗？ Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way?
因为如果这些药丸是基于亚原子压缩的， Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression,
你可以得到一个更容易治愈的癌症 you could get a more curable cancer
只是穿过蘑菇云。 just walking through the mushroom clouds.
该死的！我来做。 God damn it! I'll do it.
-哇。-任务小组的阿尔法被解散了。 -Whoa. -Task Force Alpha is disbanded.
你们两个不再是美国人了！ And you two aren't American anymore!
我可以这么说。你是被流放的！ I can say that. You're expatriated!
如果你再次踏上国土国土， If you step foot on homeland soil again,
我把它当作入侵。 I'll treat it as an invasion.
这应该是痛苦的吗？ Is this supposed to be painful?
看着很痛苦。 Painful to watch.
哦，如此蹩脚的萎缩。 Oh, such lame shrinking.
哦，他的衣服尺寸相同吗？ Oh, his clothes stay the same size?
70年代的萎缩，一个的政党。 '70s shrinking, party of one.
尖锐的声音吞噬了我的萎缩的屁股！ [ High-pitched voice] Eat my shrinking ass!
他走了，好了，我们离开这里吧，莫蒂。 There he goes. All right. Let's get out of here, Morty.
怎么回事？ What the hell?!
我做了Sanchez-eum，dumbasses。 I made Sanchez-eum up, dumbasses.
不要相信你在维基百科上看到的一切。 Don't believe everything you read on Wikipedia.
站着，他不害怕海盗。 Stand down. He's not afraid of pirates.
噢！快跑，莫蒂！那部分是真的！ Oh! Run, Morty! That part was true!
拨号 [ Dialing, ringing]
瑞克：我现在不能说话了，亲爱的。 RICK: I-I can't talk now, sweetie.
-哦，你什么时候可以？-R CK：说得好。 -Oh, when can you? -R|CK: Good point.
打嗝是怎么回事？ [Burps ] What's up?
还记得刚才你说的，如果我想的话， Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted,
我可以，离开地球，在无限的宇宙中漫游 I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos
为了弄清楚我是谁谁也不会知道我已经离开了 to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left
因为你可以用克隆来代替我？ because you could replace me with a clone?
-嗯-我是克隆人吗？ -Mm-hmm. -Am I the clone?
-对不起，什么？-我是克隆人吗？ -Sorry. What? -Am I the clone?
真正的我选择离开，只认为我选择留下 Did the real me choose to leave, and | only think I chose to stay
因为这是我需要思考的 because that's what I need to think
因为我是接替Beth的人？ because I'm the replacement Beth?
-不。-好的。 -No. -Okay.
等等，还有一件事。 Wait. And one more thing.
如果我是克隆人，你会告诉我吗？ If I were a clone, would you tell me?
贝丝，你知道，当聪明的人高兴的时候， Beth, you know, when -- when smart people get happy,
他们不再承认自己。 they stop recognizing themselves.
你很聪明，因为你是我的女儿。 And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter.
哦，上帝，你是对的，我很抱歉。 Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry.
-谢谢你，爸爸。-一切都好吗？ -Thank you, Dad. -All good?
完全地。我现在很好。 Totally. I'm fine now.
我想说的是， And just to be sure,
你不是在假装你是真实的 you're not pretending to be convinced you're real
因为你实际上相信你是一个克隆体 because you're actually convinced you're a clone
你现在害怕变得自我意识 and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware
那就意味着我必须终止你？ would mean I'd have to terminate you?
-不。-好的。很高兴我能帮上忙。 -No. -R|CK: Okay. Glad I could help.
再见。 See you soon.
喘着气啊！ [Breathing heavily] Aaaaaah!
悬疑音乐剧 [Suspenseful music plays]
我要去哪里？ Where do I go?
什么——什么——什么——这是什么意思？ What does th-- What -- What -- What -- What does this mean?
这意味着什么都没有。 This means nothing.
向前拉，停车。 Pull forward and park.
然后说，该死的！ Then say that, God damn it!
对不起。 Sorry.
糟糕的一天。 Bad day.
悬疑音乐剧 [Suspenseful music plays]
我是大卡人的主席。 I am Presidentress of the Mega Gargantuans.
在学习我们很小的时候，我们给自己起了个名字。 We named ourselves before learning we were small.
总统夫人，我是美国总统， Madam Presidentress, I'm President of America,
基本上就是这个世界， which is basically the world,
但你没有从我这里听到。 but you didn't hear that from me.
-来--我知道你是谁。 -|'ve come to -- -I know who you are.
我们已经同意停火 We've already agreed to a ceasefire
和你的大使们，里克和莫蒂。 with your ambassadors, Rick and Morty.
-瑞克和莫蒂在这里？-他们当然在这里。 -Rick and Morty were here? -Of course they were here.
它们可以立即收缩和传送。 They can shrink instantly and teleport.
他们让我给你这个。 They told me to give you this.
他们说当你的癌症药物逐渐消失时它会拉伸 They said it will stretch as your cancer pill wears off
你的身体会以“505电影”的速度笨拙地放大。 and your body awkwardly enlarges at the rate of a '505 movie.
有裤子吗？ Are there pants?
他们说你更喜欢一件衬衫。 They said you'd prefer just a shirt.
很明显，你有必要把你的迪克晃来晃去吗？ Apparently, you have a need to swing your dick around?
瑞克和莫蒂逃走了。 Rick and Morty escaped.
别废话，带我去五角大楼。 No shit. Take me to the Pentagon.
我们正在和瑞克和莫蒂交战。 We're at war with Rick and Morty.
你想在白宫停一停吗？ You'll want to make a stop at the White House?
我在五角大楼有裤子，朗达，这是我的合同。 I have pants at the Pentagon, Rhonda. It's in my contract.
我的意思是你需要召开新闻发布会。 I mean you need to call a press conference.
以色列和巴勒斯坦宣布永久停火。 Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire.
-什么？-他们签了名 -What? -They signed something called
“很明显，如果你仔细想想就会明白。” "The Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord.
显然，一位匿名的美国外交官 Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat
带他们去看一场星球大战， took them to a "Star Wars" cantina,
他们在哪里吸烟 where they smoked perspective-enhancing
外星人信息素通过激光水烟。 alien pheromones through a laser hookah.
我仍然认为必须是普京。 I still say it has to be Putin.
是瑞克和莫蒂，你这该死的笨蛋！ It was Rick and Morty, you fucking dunce!
但是你得到了荣誉，先生。 But you're getting the credit, sir.
你的支持率刚刚达到100%。 Your approval rating just hit 100%.
瑞克和莫蒂为什么要这么做？ Why would Rick and Morty want that?
因为他们是混蛋！ Because they're assholes!
我很荣幸，但这需要整个团队 I'm flattered, but it takes a whole team
去实现我们今天所做的。 to achieve what we did today.
谢谢。 Thank you.
嗯？ Well?
他们没有回家，先生。 They haven't been back home, sir.
我们已经监视了所有可能的地点。 We've got every possible location under surveillance.
该死的！他们就在这里！ God damn it! They're right here!
-他们来了，该死的！-代码红！我们需要后援！ -They're here, God damn it! -Code Red! We need backup!
大家都放松。 Everybody relax.
在唯一的房间里等着你 Just waiting for you in the only room
你不能爆炸或监视。 you can't blow up or spy on.
所以，我们不会为你改变时间线， So, we're not changing timelines for you,
但是现在你拥有了你想要的一切， but now you have everything you want,
所以你可以忘记我们的存在，我们会回报你的。 so you can forget we exist, and we'll return the favor.
你不能在文本中这么说？ You couldn't say that in a text?
好吧，既然我们不会再见面了，我—— Well, since we won't be seeing each other again, my --
伙计们，我们明白了。这是红色代码。够了。 Guys, we get it. It's a Code Red. Enough.
我的孙子为你努力工作， My grandson has worked hard for you,
我觉得他赢得了一张自拍照。 and I feel like he's earned a selfie.
坦白地说，我可以接受，或者在这一点上离开。 Honestly, I could take it or leave it at this point.
你正在接受它。 You're taking it.
不，那是什么样的“蠢驴”地位呢？ No. What kind of fratty-ass status move is that?
滚出我的办公室！ Get out of my office!
真的吗？你太固执了？ Seriously? You're that stubborn?
他是一个顽固的人，我在保护我的国家。 He's the stubborn one. I'm protecting my country.
呃，从自拍？ Uh, from selfies?
从服从到敌对势力。 From subordination to hostile powers.
嗯，中国知道这个交易的破坏者吗？ Uh, does China know about that deal-breaker?
中国不会对白宫撒尿。 China doesn't piss on the White House.
好吧，为什么会这样呢？我肯定它很贵。 Well, why would they? I'm sure it was expensive.
-出去。-不是没有自拍。 -Get out. -Not without a selfie.
逮捕他们。 Arrest them.
儿子，你有权拒绝他的命令， Son, you have a right to refuse his order,
我敢保证如果你碰我，你会死的， and I guarantee you're going to die if you touch me,
没有来世，一切都变黑了。 and there's no afterlife. Everything just goes black.
不要这样做。 Don't do it.
-哇，瑞克！-好的，那是什么？ -Whoa, Rick! -Okay. What was that?
-死亡。-什么类型的？ -Death. -What kind?
-没有声音。 -lnstant. -There was no sound.
-他刚刚去世。-是的，很恐怖。 -He just died. -Yeah, terrifying.
这是一件很可怕的事情。 It's a terrifying thing to watch happen.
它被称为一种威慑。 It's called a deterrent.
你不能把他击倒？ You couldn't just knock him out?
如何消除一种威慑？ How is knocking out a deterrent?
每个人都想被淘汰。 Everyone wants to be knocked out.
没有人想死。 Nobody wants to be dead.
你在总统办公室里犯了谋杀罪。 You committed murder in the Oval Office.
-现在你不能离开了。-那很好。 -Now you can't leave. -That's fine.
我说我不会不自拍就离开。 I said I'm not leaving without a selfie.
呃，我不需要自拍。 Uh, I don't need a selfie.
我的意思是你没有得到一个 And I'm saying you aren't getting one
而且你不会离开。 and you aren't leaving.
-我们同意吗？-是的，不，我们不同意 -So we agree? -Yes. No. We disagree
因为你觉得你在自拍和离开。 because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving.
我有自拍吗？ Am I getting a selfie?
-永远不会。-那我就永远不会离开。 -Never. -Then I'm never leaving.
-确切的y-明白吗？ -Exact|y. -See?
有人有机会吗？ Does anyone have a shot?
是的，九个人，我可以给你看。 Yes, nine people. I can show you.
-但我不推荐--开火！ -But I wouldn't recommend -- -Open fire!
天啊，你真蠢！ God, you are dumb!
让总统离开这里！ Get the President out of here!
-等等，为什么？ -Badidea. -Wait. Why?
因为如果这里没有人 Because if there isn't someone in here
他们不应该杀人， that they're not supposed to kill,
他们要毁了那个想要杀我的地方。 they're going to wreck the place trying to kill me.
只要你活着，不管你在哪里， As long as you live, no matter where you are,
如果不是和他一起自拍，我就会在这里。 if it isn't in a selfie with him, I'll be here.
耶稣！他不是他妈的神！ Jesus! He's not a fucking god!
你不知道我是什么！ You don't know what I am!
你不知道我能做什么！ And you don't know what I can do!
天啊，这太酷了，瑞克！ Geez, it's -- it's cool, Rick!
我是这个混蛋的医生。 I'm Doctor Who in this motherfucker.
我可以是一个克隆体，我可以是一个全息图。 I could be a clone. I could be a hologram.
我们可以是由机器人控制的克隆 We could be clones controlled by robots
用特殊耳机控制 controlled with special headsets
真正的Rick和Morty穿着 that the real Rick and Morty are wearing
他们在他妈的你妈！ while they're fucking your mother!
我要杀了你！ I'm going to kill you!
然后来到312号橄榄街！ Then come to 312 Olive Street!
这是她的地址吗？ Is that her address?
你不知道，因为你是一个坏儿子！ You don't know because you're a bad son!
-哦！-把他打倒！永远！ -Ow! -Take him down! Semper fi!
啊！ Aaaaah!
男人：三号，龙卷风。 MAN: Number three, The Twister.
-噢！该死的。-第四题。 -Ow! Damn it. -Number four...
那个汉基的潘基。 The Hanky Panky.
敲门 [Knock on door]
贝丝？ Beth?
我父亲可能克隆了我，我可能是克隆体。 My dad might have cloned me, and I might be the clone.
他说我不是，但这是他对克隆说的。 And he says I'm not, but that's what he'd say to a clone.
-典型的-第六，德克萨斯州的波纹。 -Typica|. -Number six, The Texas Ripple.
你对我来说就像你。 You look like you to me.
你是白痴吗？我很抱歉，我很抱歉。 What are you, an idiot? [Sighs] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
这太粗鲁了。 That was so rude.
我来找你帮忙，现在我在侮辱你的智商。 I came to you for help, and now I'm insulting your intelligence.
看看智慧能给你带来什么。 And look where intelligence gets you.
好吧，不要敲打智力，因为现在 Well, don't knock intelligence, because right now
我很想知道我怎样才能帮助你。 I'd love to understand how I can help you.
我不能管这事，杰瑞。 I can't be in charge of that, Jerry.
我的思想，我的想法都是这个变量的一部分。 My mind, my ideas are all part of the variable.
唯一不变的是你。 The only constant is you.
你知道我在里面和外面。 You know me inside and out.
做你必须做的事。 Do what you have to do.
好的，坐下。 Okay. Sit down.
现在交叉你的腿。 Now cross your legs.
这条腿在上面，很好。 That leg on top. Good.
哦，这是什么？ Oh, what is this?
古典音乐 [ Classical music plays ]
大四，我带你去约会 Senior year, I took you on a date
密尔沃基交响乐团 to the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra
在公园里表演艾伦。西尔维斯特里的音乐。 performing the music of Alan Silvestri in the Park.
在"火山"这首歌的这一点上， At this point in the song from "Volcano,"
当汤米李琼斯和公共事业工人 when Tommy Lee Jones and the utility workers
他们正在用汽车引导岩浆进入一个死胡同， are using cars to guide the lava into a cul-de-sac,
我意识到我手心冒汗， I realized my palms were so sweaty,
我永远也不会握住你的手。 I would never get to hold your hand.
但是我很想去碰你， But I was desperate to touch you,
所以我在我旁边的草地上擦了擦手掌。 so I wiped my palm on the grass next to me.
但是一件窃笑的包装却被卡在了上面， But a Snickers wrapper kind of got stuck on it,
所以我开始有点摇晃， so I started kind ofjiggling it,
不动太多就鞭打它。 whipping it without moving too much.
但是你开始往下看，我想， But you started looking over, and I thought,
“好吧，就是这样。她会看到我是个失败者， "Well, this is it. She's going to see that I'm a loser,
我永远也不会去碰她。 and I'll never get to touch her.
但我还有时间去碰她。” But I still have time to touch her."
但是我的手在上面有窃笑， But my hand had Snickers on it,
黄铜部分也在膨胀 and the brass section was swelling
因为那是一个在熔岩中融化的家伙的场景。 because it was the scene with the guy melting in the lava.
我只是想，“去他妈的，嘴唇不流汗。” And I just thought, "Fuck it. Lips don't sweat."
哇，是的。 Wow. Yeah.
我永远不会忘记那种感觉。 I'll never forget that feeling.
你才是真正的人。 You're the real thing.
这就解决了， Then that settles it,
因为我的记忆是恨那个晚上。 because my memory is of hating that night.
但是现在，重温它，我所能感觉到的就是我是多么的幸运 But now, reliving it, all I can feel is how lucky I am
被这样一个简单、诚实、简单的人所喜爱。 to be loved by such a simple, honest, simple man.
简单两次。 Simple twice.
这不是你嫁的那个女人，杰瑞， This isn't the woman you married, Jerry,
因为这个女人爱你。 because this woman loves you.
嗯，好吧，这是不同的。 U h. . .well, vive la difference.
咯咯笑，好吧，那太差劲了。 [Chuckles] Okay. That was lame.
听着，我——语言。 Listen, I -- Words.
唐钱德尔。 Don Cheadle.
呻吟 [Moaning]
你有权从我的办公室里滚出去！ You have the right to get the fuck out of my office!
你有权利吻我的迪克！ You have the right to kiss my dick!
把东西给我。 Give me the thing.
啊！ Ugh!
哦！啊！ Oh! Ugh!
啊！ Ugh!
两种咳嗽 [Both coughing]
两声尖叫 [ Both screaming ]
两声尖叫 [ Both scream ]
-哦！-哦！ -Ooh! -Ooh!
两声尖叫 [ Both scream ]
哦，笑了 Oh! [Laughing]
点击 [Clicking]
啊！ Aah!
哦！ Ohh!
提交！提交自拍！ Submit! Submit for the selfie!
我屈服了！我屈服了！自拍！ I yield! I yield! Take the selfie!
好吧，莫蒂，进去说，“奶酪。” Okay. Morty, get in there and say, "Cheese."
你说什么？ M o rty?
莫蒂，来吧！ Morty, come on!
天啊，该死的！ [Sighs ] God damn it!
手机振动 [Cellphone vibrating]
瑞克，别生气，但我偷了你的门枪。 Rick, don't get mad, but I-I stole your portal gun.
瑞克：他妈的，莫蒂？！ RICK: What the fuck, Morty?!
我告诉过你我不想要那该死的自拍照800次！ I told you I didn't want the damn selfie 800 times!
听着，不管你们之间到底发生了什么 Look, whatever the hell is going on between you
总统，这和我没有任何关系。 and the president, it's got nothing to do with me.
-那你去哪儿了？-莫蒂：我不能告诉你。 -So where did you go? -MORTY: I can't tell you.
瑞克，你有没有告诉我妈妈她可能是个克隆体？ Rick, did you tell my mom she might be a clone?
不！我告诉她她不是！ No! I told her she wasn't!
好吧，这不是你要告诉克隆的吗？ Well, isn't that what you'd tell a clone?
瑞克：哦，看在上帝的份上。 RICK: Oh, for Christ's sake.
瑞克，我爸爸妈妈又回来了。 Rick, my mom and dad are getting back together.
什么？不！她不是克隆人！ What? No! She's not a clone!
好吧，她说不管她是不是，都没有关系 Well, she says it doesn't matter if she is or isn't
因为现在她爱我爸爸， because now she loves my dad,
她想让我和夏天回家， and she wanted me and Summer to come home,
我们躲着你，这样你就不会杀了她 and we're hiding from you so you don't kill her
如果她是我选择的地方的克隆，你永远也找不到。 if she's a clone in a place I picked that you will never find.
-所以不要找我们。-哔 -So don't look for us. -[ Beep]
-来吧，婊子！-哦，你来吧，婊子。 -Come on, bitch! -Oh, you come on, bitch.
我出去了，我完了。 I'm out. I'm done.
我得走了，我得走了。 I got to -- I got to go.
所以我赢了，然后我负责，你不能离开。 So I win. Then I'm in charge, and you can't leave.
你是恐怖分子，你是国家的敌人， You're a terrorist. You're an enemy of the state,
你十分钟前就把我踢进了球！ and you kicked me in the balls 10 minutes ago!
总统办公室不能共存 The office of the President can't coexist
有一个活着的上帝，不会屈服于它—— with a living god that won't submit to it --
我是说，除了波塞冬。 I mean, besides Poseidon.
但是他已经被关在51区了， But he's locked up in Area 51 already,
所以这并不重要。 so that doesn't really count.
总统先生，我给你做个交易。 Mr. President, I'll make you a deal.
如果你让我用你的大屁股 If you let me use your ghetto-ass off-brand
三倍的传送器， deficit-tripling teleporter,
我可以去照顾一些东西，你再也见不到我了。 I can go take care of something, and you'll never see me again.
是的。交易。隐形士兵，站着。 Yes. Deal. Invisi-troopers, stand down.
-所有的呻吟-是的，是的。 -[ All groan] -Yeah, yeah.
我不想听。 I don't want to hear it.
你知道我可以一直看到它们，对吧？ You know I could see them this whole time, right?
别推它，桑切斯。 Don't push it, Sanchez.
悬疑音乐剧 [Suspenseful music plays]
他找到我们了！ He found us!
我告诉过你我们不应该离开 I told you we shouldn't have gone
和上次一样的小屋！ to the same cabin as last time!
哦，我们哪儿也不去，现在就结束了。 Oh, we're not going anywhere. This ends now.
爸爸，如果你是我爸爸，当然，你不是我爸爸。 Dad, if you're my dad. Of course, you're not my dad.
你在这里拿着枪，因为我是克隆人。 You're here with a gun because I am a clone.
我想我拥有你女儿所有的记忆。 I guess I have all your daughter's memories.
所以我猜我是她，这让我和她有血缘关系。 So I guess I was her, which makes me related to her.
但我不喜欢她。 But I don't relate to her.
她离开了她的家庭和我，这意味着我和他们有联系。 She left her family and me, which means I relate to them.
所以如果你杀了我，好吧，你没有杀她。 So if you kill me, fine. You're not killing her.
但你正在杀死一个真正的家庭。 But you're killing a real family.
而不是这样做，你会离开吗？ And instead of doing that, will you just go away?
难道就没有无限的时间线吗？ Aren't there, like, infinite timelines?
你不能搬到一个我不知道自己是克隆的地方 Can't you just move to one where I don't know I'm a clone
一个不同但完全相同的版本 and where a different but identical version
你真正的反社会的疯狂婊子 of your authentic sociopathic crazy bitch
一个女儿可以让你骄傲 of a daughter can keep making you proud
在别的地方？ by being somewhere else?
贝丝，你这个疯女人。你是我的女儿。 Beth, you crazy bitch. You're my daughter.
我带这个来杀了杰瑞。 I brought this here to kill Jerry.
-哦，我的上帝！-耶稣基督！ -Oh, my God! -Jesus Christ!
是啊，是啊，你赢了，杰瑞，你赢了！ Yeah.Yeah,yeah. You win, Jerry. You win!
再多的天才也无法阻止你愚蠢平庸的空虚根源 No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots
从挖掘你周围的一切和你周围的每一个人 from digging into everything and everyone around you
并榨干他们的任何能力来阻止你。 and draining them of any ability to fend you off.
好吧，你这么说可能不容易。 Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that.
我很感激。 I appreciate it.
莫蒂，我的门枪在哪儿？让我们离开这里吧。 Morty, where's my portal gun? Let's get out of here.
我要留在这里，里克。 I'm staying here, Rick.
你——呃！ Are you -- Ugh!
没人能理解。 Nobody gets it.
你认为什么都不重要。 Nothing you think matters matters.
这并不特别。 This isn't special.
这是无限次的 This -- This is happening infinite times
跨越无限的现实。 across infinite realities.
包括这个？放屁 Including this? [ Farts]
是的！ Yes!
这并不是说，主观地说，这并不好笑。 Which is not to say that, subjectively, it wasn't funny.
你打算留下来吗？ Are you going to stay?
有无限的时间线，莫蒂。 There's infinite timelines, Morty.
为什么我要呆在我破坏白宫的那个地方， Why would I stay in the one where I trashed the White House,
成为美国的敌人 became an enemy of America
在我的白痴家庭里，地位最低的角色？ and the lowest-status character in my idiot family?
因为放屁？ Because of the fart?
那里仍然有一些碎石。 There's still some rubble over there.
我认为你从来没有理解过 I don't think you've ever understood
什么是“内政部长”的意思！ what "Secretary of the Interior" means!
嗨，总统先生，我是里克桑切斯， Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez,
但不是那个做了这个的人。 but not the one that did this.
我们把无限的旅行和交换位置联系起来 We Ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other
我想，就像寄居蟹一样。 like hermit crabs, I think.
我是飞钓里克。 I'm Fly Fishing Rick.
你可以把我和瑞克区分开 You can distinguish me from the Rick
你和他的关系 that you had a falling-out with
以我的飞钓热情和伴随的帽子。 by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat.
我希望我能提供服务 I hope I can be of service
如果，呃，你会发现这个星球正处于危险之中。 if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger.
你说什么？ Fnends?
听起来不错。 Sounds good to me.
孩子们，晚餐！ Kids, dinner!
我有熊猫快递！ I got Panda Express!
你有糖鸡吗？ Did you get sugar chicken?
这是他们唯一拥有的东西。 That's kind of the only thing they have.
我爱熊猫！谢谢，妈妈！ I love Panda E! Thanks, Mom!
我希望以后能吃到你的糖鸡。 I'm hoping to get a piece of your sugar chicken later.
别笑了。 [Laughs] Stop it.
这是你的破帽子，笨蛋。 Here's your [burps] stupid hat, dipshit.
爸爸，你不能再这样和杰瑞说话了。 Dad, you can't talk to Jerry that way anymore.
我们现在是一个真正的家庭。 We're a real family now.
在很多方面，事情会像第一季一样 In many ways, things will be like Season 1
但更有效率。 but more streamlined.
杰瑞和我是幸福的已婚父母， Now Jerry and I are happily married parents,
我被激励的想法 and the idea that I was motivated
害怕你离开是可以避免的。 by a fear of you leaving can be eschewed.
回避？你从来没有使用过这个词。 Eschewed? You've never used that word.
也许你是一个克隆体。 Maybe you are a clone.
笑吧，这可不像瑞克会告诉我们的。 [Laughs] It's not like Rick would tell us.
笑声 [ Laughter]
戏剧音乐戏剧 [Dramatic music plays]
啊！多么美好的季节啊！ Ooh-wee! What a season!
对不起，我没来，但我结婚了。 Sorry I never showed up, but I got married.
我生了个孩子。 I had a baby.
我回到学校，得到了我的g-e-e-d。 I went back to school and got my G-E-E-E-D.
当你在等待的时候，你做了什么？ What did you do while you were waiting?
希望你不要只是随便乱搞，浪费你的生命。 Hopefully you didn't just fuck around and waste your life.
喔！ Ooh-wee!
看你第四季，像，真的很长时间了！ See you for Season 4 in, like, a really long time!
我甚至可能会有一个大大的白色圣诞老人的胡子 I might even have a big white Santa Claus beard
还有——还有—— and -- and -- and a --
还有几个孙子孙女 and a couple of grandkids
诸如此类的东西。 and all that kind of stuff.
再见，到时候见！ See you -- See you then!