Tomorrow, we're taking the exam for our driver's permit.
Even though it's only a permit, it's the first step to freedom.
When we're able to drive,
we'll be able to go anywhere we want to go.
Yeah.
Where do we want to go?
Anywhere. We can drive to Hawaii!
(two smacks, babies crying)
♪ Sister, sister ♪
♪ Talk about a two-way twister ♪
♪ Shakin' up the family tree with sibling synchronicity ♪
♪ Sister, sister ♪
♪ Never knew how much I missed you ♪
♪ Now that everybody knows ♪
♪ I ain't ever gonna ♪
♪ Let... you... go ♪
♪ Whoo-hoo! ♪
♪ I ain't ever gonna let... you... go ♪
♪ Sister, sister ♪
(TV playing quietly)
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
No, no, no, don't get up.
Please, please, allow me.
Oh, was that the doorbell?
What's up, Mr. Campbell?
Oh, I don't know, Roger.
How would you feel living with three females?
Don't mess with my head, man.
What do you want, Roger?
Your books are here, I thought I'd deliver them personally.
Great, I've been waiting for them.
Oh, that was so sweet, Roger.
(TV clicks off)
So, what's in it for you?
Hopefully, a peek at the twins.
They're taking the test for their permits.
Ooh, hurt me!
Tia and Tamera on wheels?
That's a lethal combination.
You know, Ray... Go home, Roger,
and don't call me Ray.
It's customary to tip the guy who delivers
your books.
Really?
Roger: It's true!
Ah, they're finally here.
I can't wait.
Ooh, when the Victoria's Secret
catalog comes, I might have
to hose you down.
I took out an ad for Ray's Limousine Service,
and I'm anxious to see it.
Did the Victoria's Secret catalogue come?
Come on, Ray. Let's see the ad.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's see, uh, where is it there?
Oh, there's, uh, Bullet Limo,
uh, Speedy Limo, Slow But Steady Limo.
Like that's gonna do well.
Where's my...
Ray, Ray, isn't this... this is your address and phone number.
And, oh, there's your picture up in the corner!
Oh, that wink's a nice touch.
That can't be me.
Wait a minute, this is all wrong.
I don't own the Gay Limousine Service!
That is me!
That wink takes on a whole new meaning.
I spent years building
the Ray Limousine Service, not the Gay.
Limousine Service!
Ray, it's just a simple mistake.
They just dropped the apostrophe and the "S,"
changed the "R" to a "G"...
Okay, somebody's got it in for you.
I'm calling them up right now
and demanding that they get this straight!
Corrected.
Ray, it's too late.
The book's all over Detroit.
You're right.
Oh, my God.
My mother's reading this.
Was she domineering?
We did it! We got our driving permits!
Oh, congratulations!
I'm so proud of you.
(laughs) Yeah.
This is a big day in your lives.
We should celebrate. Great.
Let's go drive!
Right now?
In a car? With you?
I was thinking more like we stay home
and have some ice cream.
Come on, Dad. We have to drive with someone over 25.
Well, that leaves me out.
I don't want anything happening to my baby.
Ah, thanks, Dad.
Uh, I meant my Beemer.
Uh, but you, too, honey.
Ray, there's nothing to worry about.
These girls can do anything.
Yeah!
All right, all right.
Ah, but first, we must have the traditional
passing of the spare key from father to daughter.
All right, here you have your Swiss Army
knife, your mini-flashlight,
uh, your, uh, mace and your alarm and your pepper spray.
Dad, where's the key?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I'll get one made.
Here you go, Tia.
If you squeeze little Mert, his eyes bug out and he burps.
(burps)
(theme song)
Ah, ah, stand back.
Have to turn off the alarm.
(car alarm chirps)
AUTOMATED VOICE: You may now approach the vehicle.
Uh, stand back.
I have to turn off the alarm.
You may now approach the vehicle.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You may now enter the vehicle.
Okay, I'll lift, you pull.
(door creaking)
(straining)
Okay, when you get behind the wheel,
you always put on your seatbelt.
So, buckle up.
(belts click)
Okay, bungee up.
(engine running)
Ah, hands at 10:00 and 2:00.
Now, what's the first thing you do?
Find a good radio station.
No. Check the mirror.
Check your mirror.
Make sure your makeup's cool.
You never know who you'll meet at a stop sign.
Now, with your foot on the brake,
put it in gear...
and slowly pull out.
(tires screeching) Whoa!
Okay, let's move.
Let's cruise.
Hey!
We're moving, we're cruising.
Uh, you'd better step on it, honey.
The old man with the walker's gaining on us.
(opera music playing)
(opera music playing over stereo)
You're doing great, Tamera.
Dad. What?
Can we please change this music?
The screaming's getting on my nerves.
Yeah.
(hip-hop music playing)
Now, remember, the speed limit here
is 30 miles an hour.
How am I doing, Mom?
You could go 27 miles an hour faster.
Go ahead.
You can do it, baby.
That light is your friend.
(car horns honking)
MAN: Hey, move your tail, bozo!
Ah, same to you! Up your nose!
So's your stinky mama!
You did good, baby.
(phone ringing)
Ah, don't, don't answer that!
Always keep your concentration.
Yello.
It's for you. Thanks, Dad.
Hey!
Yeah, I'm driving!
Keep your eyes on the road!
Oh, you're at the mall?
Sure, I can pick you up.
I'll be there in ten minutes if I can make a U-ey.
No U-ey! No U-ey!
Now, take the bus.
Keep your eyes on the road!
(tires screech)
RAY: Slow down, Tamera, slow down!
Faster, Tia.
Faster!
RAY: I'd put my foot on the brakes.
Put your foot on the brakes!
For God's sakes, brake!
(tires screech)
Curb! Curb!
Too close! Too close!
How do you know?
(thud)
I think that's how you know, Tia.
How can I concentrate
when you're telling... Keep your eyes
on the road! Stop!
I'm trying to tell you!
(both shouting)
No, you're not!
(both shouting)
You were yelling at me.
I wasn't yelling at you.
I was yelling at those people to get out of the way.
I was yelling at innocent pedestrians!
Sure, take their side.
And in the future, when I say "left," I mean left.
You said "left," and I said "left?" and you said "right!"
I meant "Right, go left!"
How was I supposed to know that?
I think driving on someone's lawn was a clue.
I'm going upstairs to do my homework.
You just do that.
I'm not coming down till it's done!
Well, I could care!
Huh.
Okay.
I'm not talking to you.
Well, that's fine with me.
Do you want to know why I'm not
talking to you? Not really.
If I talk to you, you're gonna tell me it's my fault.
I'm not talking to you.
When are you gonna start not talking to me?
I can't tell you because I'm not talking to you.
Oh, Miss Thing.
(sighs): Ah.
Pretty scary, huh?
Ray, for 30 seconds today, I was white.
Ray, what are you doing? Hmm?
(sighs)
Her driving drove me to drink.
Ray, drinking is no way to deal with your problems.
And if you're going to drink, you shouldn't be doing it alone.
Bourbon, neat.
This was supposed to be a wonderful bonding experience.
Tia bonded.
With a mailbox.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Don't worry. I left a note in their door.
Oh, that was very responsible of you, Lisa.
I knew you'd feel that way. That's why I signed your name.
I didn't have this problem when I learned how to drive.
Oh, me either. (chuckles)
It was fun.
My boyfriend, LeBron Hunt,
taught me to drive.
We spent hours in his car.
Must have been tough learning how to drive in the backseat.
Ooh, that guy could really handle the curves
along the Lisa Landry Expressway.
Lisa, please, I'm getting carsick.
So, Ray, who taught you how to drive?
Uh, my grandma.
Oh, that explains why you drive like an old biddy.
Excuse me?
My grandmother was a wonderful driver.
Ah, she had reflexes like a cat.
She could catch line drives at the baseball game.
Used to play dodge ball with all us kids.
Well, up till she broke her hip.
Oh, she was some kind of woman.
God, I miss her.
Ray, Ray, Ray, I-I think you had enough.
(sighs)
You know, Lisa, you look kind of cute.
I have had enough.
Ray, maybe we had some different experiences in high school.
I had a good time, and you played ball with Grandma,
but we had one thing in common.
Neither of our parents taught us how to drive.
You're right. You know what we're gonna have to do?
Ray, I have no idea where LeBron Hunt is,
and Grandma is dead.
No, Lisa. What I,
what I think we have to do is I teach Tia,
and you teach Tamera.
Listen, Ray, I've got a better idea.
You teach both of them, I'll stay home and pray.
Come on, Lisa, we'll go out and we'll find a big empty parking lot.
It'll be early in the morning, no other cars around.
Or mailboxes.
A completely controlled situation.
(opera music playing)
(tires squealing, cars crashing)
(glass shattering) (sustained horns honking)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Stay away from the car.
(distorted voice): Stay away... from... the car.
(theme song)
TAMERA: Dad! TIA: Mom?
Dad, are you all right?
Tia, are you okay?
Is my baby okay? I'm fine, Mom. Dad?
I-I'm all right. How about you?
I'm okay.
It was all Tia's fault.
Look, my door is jammed.
I can't get out.
Oh, Ray, I wish I had the Jaws of Life.
You do.
I've seen you eat.
Ray, do the words "upper hand" mean anything to you?
Lisa, could you help me please get the door open?
All right. Come on, girls.
Now, now you lift, I'll pull.
(door creaking)
This is just like my car.
Ah!
(distant siren wailing)
Oh, oh, my baby.
I'm really sorry about your car, Dad.
No, I-I meant you.
Mom, maybe I wasn't ready to drive.
Oh, no, no, no, honey, you were doing great.
Anyone hurt here?
No, we're all fine, Officer.
I-I'm hurt.
What happened?
Uh, when I heard the crash, I spun around
really fast, and I got whiplash
all up in my neck.
You're an idiot.
Oh, okay, thanks, bye.
So, what happened?
I hit the brakes. And I hit the gas.
And I hit my head.
Let me explain. You see, we were teaching our daughters to drive.
So, you're married?
Please! This has been rough enough.
Officer, I think we'll be fine could call us a tow truck?
Sure, no problem.
Say, haven't I seen you before?
Uh, no. I try to stay two steps ahead of the law.
No, I know.
You're the Gay Limousine guy.
Yeah, that's him!
Wink for him, Ray.
Well, see... Do you give cops discount?
My significant other and I need a limo
for the gay policeman's ball.
Uh, sure, yeah.
I think it's great that you have
such a liberal attitude.
I pride myself in being an open-minded guy,
able to see everyone's point of view, make no judgments.
Why don't you bring a date?
I-I'm busy.
(theme song)
People, people, a Rocket Burger employee
does not sit on his butt.
A Rocket Burger employee has a rocket strapped to his butt.
That wasn't in the manual.
Come on, Steve, Tia's a little shook up.
She got into a car accident.
To show that I'm a caring employer,
I'll give you a few minutes to get your life together.
That's sensitive of you, Steve.
Excuse me, Denise, but were you in an accident?
Well, once when I was five years old, see,
I was jumping on the bed... You! Out!
Look at my hands. They're still shaking.
Ooh, I like your nail polish.
Tamera, what if there's another accident?
Tia, there won't be.
I don't think I want to drive again.
You've got to be kidding.
I'd quit right now, but I keep hearing
my mother's voice, "You could do it, baby,
you could do it."
Tamera, I heard about the accident.
I rushed over as soon as I could.
I'm here to offer medical attention.
I'm fine, Roger.
Are you sure you don't need any CPR?
No.
Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
No, Roger.
A hug?
Go away, Roger!
Tia, I rushed over as soon as I could.
Strip to the waist.
Beat it, pervert!
Hey, little lady, I heard about the...
(groans)
A little help here, people.
You're driving better, baby.
Really, Dad? Of course.
Would I lie to my daughter?
(chuckles)
What's the matter, Ray?
I just lied to my daughter.
Your service called. You've got a booking for a wedding on Saturday.
Who's the lucky couple?
Jeff and Scott.
I was a bit resistant to all of this at first, but these guys are big tippers,
and they're really tidy.
Hi, Tia, how was the library?
Fine.
Where's Tamera?
Oh, she's upstairs. We were out driving.
Mom, do you mind if we wait a while
before we go out driving again?
Oh, no, of course not, honey.
You take all the time you want.
Oh, okay.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
I just thought you would say,
"You can do it, baby."
Oh, well, you can do it... baby.
Maybe later.
So, what's going on?
What do you mean?
Well, you know, you're usually very encouraging.
More than encouraging. Pushy.
Ray, she's not ready to go back out there yet.
She was in an accident.
Oh, come on, Lisa. It was no big deal.
No big deal?
It was a head-on collision! It was flames, twisted steel.
Oh, the humanity.
Sounds like you and Tia have a problem.
There is no problem.
I don't have a problem, and my daughter doesn't have a problem.
(theme song)
Oh, come on, honey, you sure you
don't want to drive?
I still don't think I'm ready, Mom.
Just let me settle down with my husband
and raise a family.
Once my kids are in school, we'll talk about it. I promise.
(theme song)
Mom, we're not moving.
Mom, why, why aren't you driving?
I can't anymore.
I've been driving you my whole life.
It's time for me to park it.
I ain't had no life.
But don't you worry about me.
But, but, Mom, wh-what's gonna happen
to me and the kids?
Wh-What am I gonna do?
I can't drive!
I thought about that, baby girl.
What's this?
A laminated bus pass.
Good luck.
Mom!
You can't go!
I've got a dental appointment!
(sustained horn honking)
TIA: Mom!
Mom, where are you?
I'm in the kitchen, Tia.
Mom, I had a nightmare.
And you wasted your entire life
driving me everywhere.
Oh, come on, baby.
That's not such a bad dream.
You got old and gray and shriveled up and died.
Bad dream!
Mom, I don't want you to waste your life.
It made me realize that I'm ready to get back out there.
Oh, that's nice.
Maybe over the weekend.
No, let's do it now.
Now, now?
Come on. There's no time like the present.
You're always telling me that.
I was talking about cleaning your room.
I can't believe you're saying this. You're always pushing me.
Well... And you've always been so confident in me.
Well, yes and no.
Mom, what are you talking about?
When I was only five, you let me walk
with the neighborhood kids to kindergarten.
I followed you the whole way there and back, going tree-to-tree.
You did?
Like a dog.
Well, how about when you bought me
my first bike and you let me ride
around the block at night?
Tree-to-tree.
How about my first date?
Tree-to-tree?
Oh, no.
Shrub-to-shrub.
So, you never had any confidence in me.
Oh, no, now, baby, that's not true.
I was just overprotective of you,
but I didn't want you to think that,
so I acted like I was confident in you.
So, you won't take me driving
because you're overprotective?
Oh, no.
'Cause you're not confident? No.
Well, what are you saying?
I'm scared!
You're scared of me?
Oh, no.
I'm, I'm scared of the situation.
Honey, in the past, I was always able to protect you.
But now you'll be in the car,
and all those other drivers are out there.
What do you want me to do? Not drive?
Would you do that for me?
Mom, you always taught me to face
my fears head-on.
That's an unfortunate choice of words,
but in this case, I probably should take
my own advice, huh?
If you ever want me to trust you again.
You're tough, girl.
You taught me to be.
Come on, Tia.
Let's hit it! Yes!
Oh, another bad choice of words.
LISA: You're doing fine.
(Lisa screams)
I'm confident.
I believe in you, baby.
Watch out!
(theme song)
(phone rings)
Hello?
Yes, this is five-five-four...
You know, your voice sounds familiar.
LeBron?
LeBron Hunt?
(laughs)
Oh my, after all these years!
This is Lisa Landry.
You know, Moanin' Lisa.
Yeah!
(laughs)
Oh, I'm fine.
I was just talking about how you taught me how to drive.
Yeah, we were never in neutral.
(laughs)
So, why are you calling?
Ooh.
You want the Gay Limousine Service?
Hold on a minute.
Ray, it's for you!
(theme song)