THE YEAR 2005
Pamphlet: PROM THIS WEEKEND! BUY YOUR TICKET NOW!
Poster: PROM THIS WEEKEND! BUY YOUR TICKET NOW!
- Hey, Melody. - Hey..
Look, I know, uh..
We know each other for really long time.
and uh......
we'll cross the street for each other and stuff.. and uh..
I know like in 4 days..
- I'm sure, uh, there's, uh, you know, uh, the prom's like in 4 days.. - Oh my God.
You're not asking me to prom, are you?
Oh, God, no, I, I..
No, I just, I mean..
You, you probably go with someone.
I'm sorry, but I don't know how to put this nicely.
There's no need to nice to him, quit it. He's a fucking nerd.
And you know, she's, I don't know, She's hot..
Look at her, look at her!
- Look at her, look at her! - I'll see you, I'll see you later.
Bye..
All right, buddy. Good job!
That dude spastic!
Greg Jenko to the Principal's office..
I say it loud and clear.
If you didn't get your grades up, you won't going to the prom..
You my friend, are about to pay the paper!
- I should pay who? - You're not going to the prom..
But you're lucky, you even graduate..
But, I'm gonna be the Prom King
I'm glad you had a great time in school..
But you ain't learn nothing!
Fuck!
SEVEN YEARS LATER
building: METROPOLITAN CITY POLICE ACADEMY
Welcome to Police Academy! Make sure your form all filled out..
Not so slim, shady? What's up? Holy shit!
Jenko, Schmidt.. you're up!
motherfucker!
- You good at this, huh? - Yeah, I am.
Such a bullshit!
100, A
You're really good at this?
Yeah, I am.
Hey, you wanna be friends?
Come on, come on, let's go! Come on! Pacing it up, pacing it up!
I'm free right now, not the felony..
Chill, all right? Look..
- Why do I get it? - Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Faster, let's go!
Clear!
Come on, come on, come on! Yes!
Nice!
Stand up!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the graduates of Class 137.
You ready for life-time pretty bad-ass motherfuckers?
Oh, I am.
I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions..
Unless homeless people doing it everywhere..
Do you guys think this is police matter? To get your frisbee back?
- Get your own fuckin' frisbee! - Shit!
Shit! Shit!
SCHMIDT: Yours is unloaded, right?
SCHMIDT: We supposed to unload it pretty fast, right?
JENKO: you, duh! that's not fun, come on..
The sign says: "Do not feed the ducks!"
It's right there..
- Don't you.. don't! / don't! - stop it! / don't! / You did it..
Fed the ducks..
You like to pick shots?
No fuckin' way!
One-percenters?
These guys are big town drug dealers..
We can take them down on first pass, we'd be out-parked here for sure..
Do you see what I see?
Cannabis, Sativa
Chaka khan..
Chak, chaka Khan?
Gentlemen, do we have a little party?
Are we forgotten that abusive of marijuana is illegal?
I have, uhm, glaucoma..
I get nervous in crowds..
Herpes..
- Then you don't mind if I search your bike now, would you? - Wait, you won't find shit!
Get up!
And then you guys, even real cops, you look like..
the kids on Halloween.
If them both are cops, I'm DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration)
I know, right? I know!
It's hilarious..
Mind show some of respects!
- Fuck you, pig! - Hey, you want me to beat your dick off?
You want to beat my dick off?
I can beat your dick off with both hands, what's up? Let's go!
That's weird, man..
I think what he trying to say was, he's gonna punch you so many time around the genital area, that your dick's just gonna fall off..
- Why you have salts in you.. - that's stash of drugs
Oh my God, get on the ground!
Hey, you! Come here! What do I do?
- Chase the one! - Chase the one?
Are you leaving your bike here?
All right..
Don't run from me, you make it worse for yourself!
Stop!
I will shoot you, if you don't slow down, man.. Come on!
Hey, come here!
I'm not playing anymore!
All right, then
I got him, I got him..
Freeze! Freeze!
Freeze or I shoot you, Freeze!
That's it, come here!
Freeze!
Stop it!
You're a pussy!
You have the right to..
Give me your hand! / All right..
You have the right to.. to suck my dick, motherfucker!
Oh, my elbow..
You like me sit on your ass, huh? Hell, a liar!
Schmidt! Schmidt, we got one! We got one, I got him!
yesss!!
We got him, all right.
Fuck you!
yeah!!
Suck my nuts out your motherfucker faulty mouth.
Fuck you!
We arrest people, now! What's up, what's up!
- Congratulations on the bust boys, sounds great! - Thank you, Cinnamon..
That was new?
The Department was forced to drop the charges..
because you forgot to read him his Miranda Rights..
What possible reason is there for not doing the only thing..
you have to do when arresting someone..
I did read him his rights, I.. a bit a version of that..
- Do you even know the Miranda Rights? - Yes
Let's see on that..
With all we doing, you know, you got a lot stuff to do..
Oh, go ahead, you got any worse than that? We have time.
I had thing written, probably push it back?
Go ahead, it's 4 declamatory sentences, followed by a question..
- For a total of 57 words - Okay..
Uh, it's, wrap it up, these start with the right to remain silence..
And like I've known before..
and then, uhm, it, it.. I think it sounds something like.. uh..
your right to ATTAIN an attorney..
oh ya, all right, you have the right to REMAIN an attorney..
Did you say..
- ..that you have the right to be an attorney? - You do have the right to be an attorney..
..if you want to.
- Where were you? - I was, uh..
I was chasing my burg, Sir..
And how that go for you?
Honestly, he did get away.. and he threw me down, pretty hard..
Actually, fucked up my elbow pretty bad..
Can I see that?
Yeah, it's actually hurt, 'cause dirt gets smashed in..
Fortunately for you two..
We're reviving a canceled undercover police program from the eighties..
Revamping it from modern science. You see, the guys in charge of the stuff, lack creativity and are completely out of ideas.
So all they do now, is recycle shit from the past,
and expect us all not to notice..
One of these programs..
involves the use of young, immature-seeming officers.
So, you're saying, that you're gonna send us into like a, child-sex-slavery thing or something?
Sir, if I had to suck somebody's dick,
I will..
it's just, I prefer not to..
I think you're idiots are perfect. You're officially transferred..
- All right.. - That's great, well, where we should report to?
Down on Jump Street, 37 Jump Street.
No, it didn't sound right.
This is gotta be a joke.
Yes, it is.
Aroma of Christ Church ?
How's it goin'?
This place is weird..
Everybody comfortable?
ya
Get your motherfuckin' ass up, when I'm talking!!
You will be goin' on undercover as high school students.
You are here simply because, you look young..
Used in Justin Bieber dan Miley Cyrus lookin' motherfuckers..
- Captain Sassy.. - I know what you're thinking, ain't you agree?
Black Captain, it ain't none but stupid stereotype..
Oh guess what, motherfuckers?
I'm black..
And I worked my ass off to be the Captain.
And sometimes I get angry..
So, suck a dick!
What I'm trying to show you is, embrace your stereotypes
Like this guy right here, handsome, and he's probably a dummy..
And then this guy, he's short and insecure, and he's probably good with money..
- Are you that good with money? - What the fuck..
Didn't somebody tell you guys, this is undercover unit?
I don't, I actually didn't, I didn't get a letter or anything.
- ya, like a dress code, or anything like that. - Teenage, the fuck up!
Rule number 1 at Jump Street
- Ferguzy? - Do not get expelled.
Nobody in the system knows that you're here, all right? Nobody!
You get kicked out of school, your monkey ass get kicked out of Jump Street..
Rule number 2, Barnes!
Do not have sexual relation with students or teachers, Sir..
Do you hear that?
Yes, you! Don't do it, man..
- Pardon? - Keep that dirty dick in your pants!
No fuck no students, no fuck no teachers..
Sir, I know we come off as a couple lady killers..
But I promise you, we'll be super professional on the job.
Clearly, I wasn't talkin' to you, big titties!
You cherub-lookin' motherfucker! I was talkin' to your partner over here..
Fake-ass handsome with gig. When I'm talkin' to him, I'm talkin' to him, when I say "shut the fuck up!", I'm talkin' to you!
And you two sons of bitches, in my office, now! right now!
Hi, I'm Billiam Willingham
So I bought this..
Which is all anybody seems to be talking about right now. Cheers!
It's new synthetic drug, called by the street named: HFS (Holy Fucking Shit)
Holy fucking shit...
he put this in internet? Everybody can see?
They're teenagers, man. They're really stupid. So, you should blend right in..
PHASE 01: THE GIGGS
PHASE 02: TRIPPING MAJOR BALLSACK
PHASE 03: OVER-FALSITY OF CONVIDENCE
Jessica, would you go to prom with me? But I already know the answer, it's YES
PHASE 04: FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKER
- I can watch this all day.. - And this kid ruled!
Ruled? His parents found him OD'ed in his room a few days ago, he's dead..
Whatever he took, the Lab is never seen it before..
Now you can see, this kid is white. That means people actually give a shit.
Sir, I just want after you, that I would give a shit if he was black
Right now, HFS is contained right there in Sagan High
Now once this drug breaks containment, it goes viral in a few days..
Jenko
I looked at your old transcript..
I enrolled you at a bunch of bullshit courses
like photography and drama..
Get in with burn-outs and cool kids, find out who's smiting this shit.
- Schmidt, since you're a virgin through high school - It says that?
No. I just assumed it. Due to your many years on honor role, and your membership to the juggling squad.
Juggling is a society, but.. It's fine, it's fine.
They steal the equipment from the chemistry Lab. That's what we think they cookin' a dope with..
I enrolled you in honors chemistry.
Here's your new identities.
All right, Brad dan Dough McQuaid.
The mission is this:
- Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.. - We get to be brothers?
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
What if we find the supplier first, We not have to worry about the dealers.
Goddamn, Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!
Hey, Korean Jesus..
I don't know if You only cater to Koreans, Christians, or.. if You even exist, no offense..
I just..
Really freak out..
I'm going back to High School
It was just so fuckin' hard the first time
I know we don't made our first arrest, maybe I'm not the best cop
Korean Jesus, just make sure You don't fuck this up
Sorry for swearing so much..
THE END? I don't really know how to end the prayer. "The End"?
Hey! Hey! Stop fucking with Korean Jesus!
He ain't got time for your problems, He's busy with Korean shit!
- You two get to your mama house, ASAP! - What?
You're teenagers now!
All right? You two are staying at Schmidt's parents house, for the duration of this assignment..
Oh, fuck me..
This house is adorable..
Hi, baby..
- I know you'll come to me. You'll always my baby.. - This my guy, (mmmuach..)
Nice to see you guys..
Schmidt family.. yeeeeaa! I caught by the spirit..
Oh my God, Mom Schmidt, did you do all these by yourself? This is unbelievable..
Yeah, yeah, I did.
- It's gorgeous - Oh, so are you..
Oh, honey, listen, I wanna tell you.
We did blob the air mattress in your room, we kinda use it as work area.
So I hope you don't mind it if we make the call.
Jenko, Jenko! oh my God..
Please, no no, don't touch that, we just brought it here from Sedona..
Guys, can we, can we get rid of these stuff?
I mean, it looks I die in the car crash, and you guys having it moved on..
- Rid of it? - We take it down, we have to stop braggin' about you.
I look like Fred Savage from Wonder Years..
But completely naked wearing Indian friendship bracelets..
That was a great picture morphed.
You look like young Jay Leno
Am I wearing any underwear in this picture?
No!
I remember, you know why? Because I've told you at therapist about 8000 times
I mean, this is the fourth grade participation medal for soccer
- It's literally a medal for soccer - No..
It's the medal for trying
Let me tell you something, this guy, is always a great trier..
What? Mom you told Phyllis I was here, she will tell the whole neighborhood.
I told you, it's undercover assignment, super secret!
Undercover? That's so cute..
uhh, I'm going upstairs
Okay, Honey, I want you know we are so glad that you're here / Okay
That's great, thank you.
- All right, where is he? - He's upstairs
He just need take a little rest, and then he's tying at your finger tip.
- Bye-bye.. - I bake muffin
If you don't know your identity, well, screw to her!
We got to study this stuff.
- Forget those identities, it's a bullshit, it said I was back a year.. - You were, you were back two years
Just because that fake back stories, doesn't mean that doesn't hurt my feeling.
Fuck! Shocks don't match..
I'm gonna start all over
First day at school, dude, I got to look awesome.
You know, back at the day, you were super popular, and I wasn't, as much..
We didn't really get along in High School.
You know that's not gonna happened again, do you?
No
Come on, man. We're adults now, we're best buds. It's definitely not gonna happened again.
- We're good? - Cool
Beautiful day out there, boys.
What's around?
Anything you say can or will be used against you in Court of Law..
You have the right to attain attorney
If you can't afford, one will be appoint..
You still don't know the Miranda rights? You're a cop!
Come on, man. They always cut it away on TV before they finish them..
- All right, let's go. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! / What?
What are you doing?
- What? What are you talking about? - Are you two-strapped?
- My backpack? Yeah.. - I gotta be seeing with you
You gotta one-strapped
- Seriously, I would no-strapped if found it would be possible.. - Okay, what makes you the expert?
I was cool in High School, you aware?
Okay, that makes sense, continue
The three keys of coolness in High School..
by Jenko
One, don't try hard at anything
Two, make fun of people who do try
Three, be handsome.
Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face.
Five, drive a kick-ass car.
Shit.
We would never!
Come on, how's to keep give us a little credit?
- Are you ready? - Go!
- That's awesome! - It's amazing!
It's amazing!
- All right, you're fine, you're fine.. - Okay, you ready? here we go! / Yeah, yeah!
You okay?
I think I shit my pants.
- Hey, parking at handicap's park, that may add some cool. - That's awesome!
- Dude? Everybody's two-strapped. - Just stick to one-strapped.
- I can't, I can't, I can't right now. - What are you doing? What are you doing?
Don't succumb to the peer pressure. What are you doing?
You suppose to two-strapped
- One-strapped is peer pressure. - No, you're not
And those are goths.
Those are nerds.
I don't know what they are.
What the fuck of those says?
I'm so confused right now.
Cool.
- Hi! - Hey..
Oh hi yo!
- Is that your car? - Yeah.
- Would that thing get 10 mile for the gallon? - No, I thought like 7
- What about you? - Bio-diesel, though
- Smells like egg rolls. - Yeah, it does.
From leftover fry oil from Hunan Palace.
we ride bike as we can, Global crisis are going on.
- Whatever, man, I don't care about anything. - Are you don't care about the environment?
- It's kinda fucked up, man.. - Hey, would ya shut the hell up? Trying to study.
Look at him? He's trying..
This guy is trying, what a nerd! Look at the nerd, look at the nerd.
Who you're calling nerd, man?
I'm sorry, what?
- Shit! - Are you okay, man?
- Hey, what the hell, are you serious? - This is not gay as musical.
- You punch me because I'm gay? - No! I..
- Oh, come on.. - That's not cool, you know?
That is really insensitive.
I didn't punch him because he's gay..
I punched him, and he's happened to turn out to be gay afterward.
How dare you punch me!
In a weird way, it might have been homophobic not to punch you, just because you're a gay / Right.
You punch a little gay black kid in the face? That was a second period.
How do you explain that?
- Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that, I just.. - Okay, I'm gonna relate to you, okay?
A kid die in the other day, from drugs, and nobody including me, is doing anything about it.
That's weird, guys.
I'm one more black gay kid getting punch in the face away from nervous breakdown.
Do I make myself clear?
You guys cross my line again, you walk in this office, I'm gonna expel you, you got me?
All right, let's do this. Which one of you is Doug?
Let's do that again, and pretend you guys are not weird. Which one of you is named Doug?
- Knock it off, I'm Brad. - Okay, good. That means your name is Doug, son.
- Yeah, I'm Doug. - Great.
Here the class schedule.
The fun is, I will taking you to the brainy type.
I end up for you for the drama geek, far less surprising / Thank you
Now we're at the wrong edges, you dumb-ass!
- I'm in drama, I suck at drama, it's girly, embarrassing. - Oh my God, I know there's no student's care..
I can fake my week in practice in AP Chemistry for a few weeks.
AP (Advanced Placement) Chemistry
AP Chemistry, no you can't..
You don't even know what is fucking "cold"!
It's gonna be fun! You go to my classes, and I go to yours.
Okay, Chemistry is along with shape and shit, right?
So, we are going to hold auditions for Peter Pan part today.
Billiam, would have wanted this show to go on..
When I was a young actor just starting out in New York, States Albany, to be exact.
- I booked a local television commercial, which I had to play a young man.. - Hey..
It's really sad about that kid. He was talented.
So, are you saying, if he wasn't talented it would be less sad?
No, no, no, no, no, uh.. That's not what I mean.
I was just piercing your balls.
Okay, I get it.
I remember one time, doing cocaine with Willy Nelson's whores
and..
We were having so much fun, and then I realized that she was dead.
- I remember one summer.. - The kids still doing this stuff?
Even after what happened to him?
Everyone think that Billiam had a heart murmur.
Everyone I know said that Billiam does it. It's not my thing.
It's not really my thing, either.
But, a buddy of mine, really wants it, who do you call, if you want it?
Or, you can tell your friend, that if he really wanted it, it's not so hard to find.
You shouldn't take it at all. Drugs are bad..
But this thing has a place
even in life of professional artist..
- Thank you - Very well
LOOKING 4 HOOK-UP
New person, Mr. Texty Texty
Since you have so much to say to Molly..
Let's see if you can be Peter, to our Wendy.
You look like you might have a little Peter inside of you.
Uh, I can't. I'm fine just being a tree or something..
Doug, you never would know what you can't achieve,
before you don't achieve it..
My point is, you have to, everyone auditions for Peter.
Yeah, sure.
My favorite molecule is water.
I'd marry it, unless it was my daughter.
It's solid form float in it's liquid form, which makes it's form, outside the norm.
A life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash the cars.
H2O, H2O, H2O
That's all that, thank you.
Thank you Zack, whooo!
So, good. All right, anybody else, come on. It's still Monday? Someone?
- Okay, time for a pop Quiznos - A what?
- Oh, I'm sorry. What, is your name? Brad? - Brad, yes Mam.
Wow, look at you, Brad, big
Uh, what is, what is a pop Quiznos?
It's the quiz on the first person who finishes, get a 10 dollar guest certificate..
to Quiznos..
- Today's quiz is on bond - You look really old.
- You're back or something? - No, you look super young, were you on forward?
I was school in France, so.. and I do like, I do like 2 years in middle school, it's so lame.
Hey..
Good luck!
I got a crow, I'm just the cleverest..
Okay..
Maybe, try one cooler..
and faster..
and louder, and better, and less insecure, and more, just cool..
MEET @ YEARBOOK. 5 MINS
Okay, yup, it's a great notes, I'm gonna run outside, and you do as I go, and I'm gonna come back.
You're fast.
Not like that, just let me check you out, I mean check out your chest, check out your test..
I mean on the Quizno's quiz.
If you don't back at 6 minutes, I must send you to Principal.
Rules are rules.. So,
I guess I thought to be a quickie.
- Where's him? - I don't know
Hey!
You guys up?
Thought it a little messed up, what happened earlier..
- It's awful, you feel.. - Yeah, totally, very nervous
- You're, uh, dealer, you're the dealer, then? - Is that you?
Yup
- So, do you make this stuff? - Do I look like a fuckin' scientist? No, I just sell it.
- He just sells it. - All right, I know, I'm just, I'm so, I..
How many you guys want? 20 bucks a pop.
One each, one pop, each of jerks.
Hey, you guys aren't narcs, are you?
- Whoa!! - fucking marvelous! - Maybe, you're a narc!
Do you guys know who call people narcs? Narcs, narc..
First of all, your argument, kinda just collapse on itself.
Because if you call us narcs / uh um?
Narcs call people narcs.. / yeah, 'cause it..
And you called us narcs, that's kinda collapsed each other, they've called..
yeah, I don't have time for this shit! You wanna do this or not?
- yes, yes, yes - no problem
All right, take it here, and so now you're cool.
Uh, I'm sorry, what?
- We are gonna take it home.. - I have to go back to class, it's only thing..
I was thinking that I was gonna go home, maybe turn on the lights, gettin' snuggy, gettin' a little weird..
I was gonna take it in a masturbate later..
Guys, I'm not askin', takin' out, and get the fuck out.
I gotta finish the girl's volley ball page by lunch.
you're up?
Yeah, no, it's all good
I'm doing drug for school.
just take drugs right here, open your mouth, and uh..
There you go, that's it!
What was that? Barbeque gourmet?
have fun!
finger up for the throw, finger up for the throw
You must throw up..
- I can't - It made Billiam died, you gotta throw up, just figure something gross
- You fuck, figure something! - All right, all right. all right, your grandma's vagina
and there's dick right into it..
- What the fuck?! - that don't do it, man.. - I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying!
Let's finger each other mouth!
- No!! - Yeah!
- No, you wanna put it in my mouth?! - Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die?
- Okay, fine! - Let's go, come on!
Come on, come on!
What are you doin'? Are trying to find my G-spot? Just, just stick it in!
- I've never done this before! - Just stick it in! Go!
What the fuck are you looking at?
Is it me?
I'm sorry, I just can't sometimes..
I'm really really tired. I don't know how it gonna be..
Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You got a pass for run on hallway like a couple of dealings?
Pass, in your hand! halo!
- Oh, damn. You guys are late. I'm gonna have to take you to Principal office, to sign.. - Oh, no, no, no, man, come on, please / Sorry
You have substantial muscle tone there, young man
When you got hit puberty? Like 7 or something?
Look you're in your mid 20's for crying out loud.
McQuaid, huh? Doug McQuaid. I red your file! You got a lot of something special going on there, young man..
What the hell was that?!
God dammit, son! Don't ever raise your hand like that to me again, all right? I consider it as a threat!
I just wanna say that I'm Doug, I'm Doug McQuaid. That's the, that's Brad, I'm..
- That's Brad on that.. - You're the new kid, is always count in a track
Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid
The track star, and this is Brad..
Science prodigy..
PHASE 01: THE GIGGS
There's funny to you guys?
PHASE 032: TRIPPING MAJOR BALLSACK
So, you're Doug, you're Doug, you're Doug, you're Doug, you're Doug. Here's the deal.
My track team is full of physically incapable rejects.
If I was not the coach, I'd be laugh their ass-off on how spastic they are..
But, I am the coach, so..
I need you.
My name isn't Doug McQuaid, do you understand?
I need you to run an acre, 4x400, at today track game
You do that, and I'll sign this pass.
Don't blow on me, Son
- I haven't trained - Guys, don't make me take this to the principal office.
Do we have a deal?
Yes.
Nice.
I don't like that. Put your tongue back in tour mouth!
Put your tongue in your mouth, and close it!
What are you doing? Stop it!
That's not bad.
all right, here we go.
Are you guys on drug?
One particle has attained nuclear reaction with the plus capacity
Carry the two change against sub-atomic into radioactive spider.
Fuck you, science!
PHASE 03: OVER-FALSITY OF CONFIDENCE
We're good, we're good man, we're good We're good baby, whooo!
Good work.
Hit that shit.
I've got a crow..
I'm just the cleverest fella that was ever my fortune to know..
I taught a trick to my shadow to stick to the tip of my toe..
I've got a crow..
Christoff, could you feel that? Who are you?
Welcome aboard, Peter..
PHASE 04: FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKER
Whooo! Go, keep it go! keep it callin' out, that was so tight! No, no, no, keep it go, keep it go..
All right, let's go, McQuaid !
All right, yeah! I like it, I like the confidence, son!
a little piece, a little pump
Here we go, here we go, here we go!
Hey, pick it up! Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up! What are you doing?!
Where are you going? Pick it... WHAT?!
McQuaid! Don't throw the baton, you jack-ass!
Come on! McQuaid!
Run that way!
find that! Fuck you, Mile Davis!
Go goddammit, let's go! Let's go! come on!
Just, no, no! Now stop!
Come here, come here! Don't make me.. That's not a tough penis!
I speak to the devil, dude
That was awesome, by how you sabotaged that track this day,
Organize sport so fascist, it makes me sick..
Yes, this is what I do.
Okay, shit it, let's see you around, right?
I don't get this school.
That was awesome..
Okay, so we stay up all night, making this, this awesome..
You really gonna like it. All yarn work was done by jenko.
okay, Captain, look. The dealers are popular kids.
But they're not normal popular.
They're deadly crunchy granule that up to convinced everyone that they're cool.
And they're not cool. It's backward, and unnatural, and it's gotta be stopped.
Lead dealer, Eric Molson..
Alpha dog, sick-chicks, killer's teeth
Edge-run this year,
He's gettin' in Berkeley, early amidst
And he totally gets me.
Who put this together? Your artistic?
- It is artistic, Sir. Because the thing is, the yarn.. - Uhm..
we make a list of some suspicious type of student..
We don't know, that's why, there's a question mark on his face..
That's not the way his face looks, Th's just the question mark.
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier! Simple!
Sounds that you guys really crack the whole case..
Good job, you guys are on fire, I'm so proud..
Like you could do any better?
We're not finger-popping each other's assholes.
What we're doin' is gettin' shit done.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I'm about to infiltrate super high-tech drug manufacturing, way in chemistry class room
SCIENCE
- password? - open the door!
- Get the suitable password. - I'm sorry, what?
Geez!
What are you doing? How do you get key in here?
Ms. Griggs gave us one, so we could work, to the deal Bakugan..
Bakugan?
You deal on drugs? / No
- Let me see it! you deal on drugs? - It's just card game, it's a hybrid card game
- Do you see? / They open up the stuff.. - You are not doing anything illegal? / No
- What are you doing in here? - I'm here, to study..
- Good, you can use it, you're very far behind, so.. - You behind..
- I'm ahead, I know everything.. - Really? uh, what is covalent bond?
Oh, fuck you, man! I'm not gonna tell you..
I, I.. wasn't trying to be rude, sorry.
I, I just, I don't think you know everything?
I know everything.
Okay.
What kind of bullshit did they say about covalent bond in this school?
They say, it's uh, when 2 atoms share both electrons, it's uh, helps them to stick together..
I, I can help you out, if you want I do it for you for the test.
What are you doing with all those phones anyway?
Uh, I, I crack and jailbreak these phones, uh.. trying save for collage..
You know, I try to put these wireless carriers, get them restricted apps.
Can you listen to all phone call by this now?
No, no. I can't install spyware to remotely monitor calls..
Or anything that the mic picks up..
- I can't do it at all.. - Wait, you can't do it? / No, I can't.
- Is it me being sarcastic? - I don't know..
So, you can?
Liking comic books is popular? Environmental awareness? Being tolerant?
How was that for 10 years later, I would've been the coolest person ever!
I know. It's bullshit.
You know what?
I told you on the cause..
Glee.
Fuck you, Glee!
Man, I gotta say, this is kind of awesome.
I might become popular, I might be enabled to popular kids
We just could do something wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.
- You're saying, we should throw a party? - I invite Molly, and Molly will invite Eric..
- and that would be the quickest way for me to pro down.. - Wouldn't that be better if we're both join the popular kids group?
I think it would be better, you join with the nerd kids, and see what's going on over there. That'd be the best for the kids.
I guess that makes sense.
- Hello? - Hey, uh, is this, is this Molly?
- Who's speaking? - Hey, it's, uh, it's Schmidt
Schmidt, Schmidt, uh, it's Doug "Schmidt" McQuaid.
Oh, hey, man.
So weird that you're calling me. I'm pretty much text..
Except for one of random old relative called.
I just called, uh, 'cause we co-star in this play together? And..
- Hello.. - Mom, get off the phone!
Oh, sorry, my Doug, my teen son.
- Mom! - I love you honey, doggy, Doug, Doug Schmidt McQuaid. - Mom, so serious right now! stop!
I'm sorry, my mom such a dick.
Uh, she's like smothered me with affection.
makes me feel like I'm 5 years old.
Wow, I share, I dig that.
Well, I'm 18 years old, but my mom box a lunch for me everyday.
There's this one month, where she bought me 43 stuffy animals
The doctor thought that I will spontaneously grow a vagina.
I didn't though, just to be clear.
Yeah, because you already have one.
Exactly, I already have..
- Hey, you don't need two vagina, you just don't. - Although, you can use of the other one purse.
I never got any stuffy animals as here I am. Oh wait, actually that's not true. I did.
My dad gave me soft puppy, when the day he bailed on us.
I'm just fucking with you.
That's was a weird joke. I thought your dad abandon your family.
No, he did walk out, on a cell.
And he didn't leave me a soft puppy.
It's broken dreams.
Oh man, I guess to that, I would say..
Well, uh..
There' are some good guys out there.
And, uh, I wouldn't let, you know one experience..
Take your uh, memory, oh my God..
Are you getting choked up?
- I'm sorry if I just make you upset. - No.
You know, I don't like the guys who mean to girls..
- Yeah, well, thanks. - Normal transition here.
Uhm, actually I'm having a party next week, and you should come.
You and Eric and Juario, whatever..
Do you mind if I just put like, uh, posting on facebook?
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.. Uhm, I should, I should call you back.
Well, all right, I see it clear, you're great person..
- Bye bye! / Bye.. - What the fucking..
Are y'all throwing up a party?
- What? - There's rumors
In the twittersphere.
And if my officers, are caught..
Giving alcohol to minors, you'll find yourself in prison.
With snorkle duck-taped to their mouth.
And me, shittin' down that snorkle.
It's extremely vivid, thank you.
You're the best, you are the best! Oh my God.
We love you, enjoy the vineyard!
yeah, I can't believe you guys did this for us.
"We love you"? What did you say to my mom?
- I'm kinda care to her, shut up. - It's weird.
It's just kinda like we're brothers.
Wait, how are we gonna buy alcohol?
I don't have a fake ID.
How do we get drugs for the party?
Oh no.
EVIDENCE LOCKUP
We have a pound of coke.
I'm trying to show a good time, not ruining their fucking life..
A pound of marijuana?
best party ever! / Boo yaa!!
THIS IS THE COMPOST
To a brilliant idea from my brilliant brother..
That I love so very much.
And..
- for dealing fucking rock! - Cheers, man! / Cheers!
- Who invited you guys? - I did, the party's in!
- Where's Eric, man? He isn't here. - Do we have enough chips?
Is this the play list 2? We're dancing?
- You're dancing? What are you talking about? - I don't know, just dancing.
What are you doing?
- My mom's coccopelli vase. - I got it, I got it.
- Doug! Doug! Hey! - Hey!
Paul Blart Molly Cop.
- I thought that joke.. - Terrible, terrible..
Get ready, get ready. Where's Eric? Wait for the signal!
And you come in here, look like a solid rock star..
How you doin', Eco Swave?
Wow, I'm really diggin' this decor, very native American? / Yeah, I guess.
- Yeah, our parents are actually really into native American.. - Rock n' Roll!
You guys even didn't see Eric?
- Seriously? - You guys didn't see Eric?
No offense, but your brother sucks!
Yo, this is butt! There's no like hot dudes here. Let's out of here, man!
No, no, no. Come on, you guys just got here, you just got here..
Come on, uh, at least let me give a tour.
Hey, boys, come on, we did it. We did it, we can do this, this code, this code, as fast as you possibly can
- Taking out the SIM code, taking out this SIM code. - CSI shit or anything.
- Are you drunk? / No. - Have you ever been drunk before?
- Oh, no, but uhm../ Give me this! - Can we get some bitches up in here? - No, you can't get any bitches up here!
This is my parents bedroom.
- What's your problem? Give us some privacy! - And, that is really girl screw with him..
- What was girl in the back doing? - Warehouse at Osworth.
Dude, tell me about it.
- Is it ready? he's gonna leave right now. - Uh, not yet, it's extracting now..
- it's now or never! Is it ready or not? - Read this: "Please wait, extracting data from SIM card".
Shit hole! It's a bust!
Why I do friend?
Cool man, we got it. Thank you for that, man.
Eric, Eric, Eric. Hey man, what's up?
hey, why you here, Scott? Look like Kennedy High doesn't have a parties tonight?
No, I heard you guys partying with some new stuff.
Wanna know your hook-up might want my boys get in on it.
- I got commitment on that front sell. - I wasn't asking.
- Take back it for me.. I got this. - Yeah? You sure? / I got this.
- Hey, bi-player, how I know who you are? - Don't worry about who I am.
- Oh, I'm worry about it. / Why? - Because you're in my party right now, dude.
This is my temple. This where I come to find peace, though. You're comin' here like emotional bull in China shop.
Metaphorically, knock over bases, messing with my crew.
And I'm like: "What, Scott, what, Scott, what, what, what, what? "
- It's kinda party? - Yeah, dude. And matter of fact, it's getting hot here
- Oh, no. Let's get a real. / let's get very real. - It's like 7 strangers living in one house true story.
- You wanna real war? - Yeah, dude, come on!
- Here's real war! - what's your real..
- What was that? Do you hear that? - Is that enough for you?
- Schmidt! I mean "Doug"! - What did I do?
Hit him!
That's even worse than when he hit me!
- Fight normal! - I kill you!
Sorry!
I fucking kill you!
Seriously, use the words! Use the words! Speaks English well!
Hit him in the nuts.
- Fight's over, dude! Fight's over! - Kick the guy in the ball!
Watch for my mom shit, man!
- watch for my mom's vase! - Fuckin' on button!
Fuck you!
Oh shit! When did I get stabbed?
It's awesome!
- Isn't it cop? - Where?
No, it's not. Here.
Oh, I'm so glad that we're going back to get my phone. I just hope we don't wake up Schmidtie.
Oh my God, he's policeman now. It's like living with the narc.
That boy's an angel.
Pull it out! Pull it out!
Okay, let's take the drug.
That's like fuckin' the mother earth
- What the fuck is going on?! - Annie, calm down..
Are you fucking kidding me?! Get out of my house! I said get out, the party is over!
- I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry. - She's coming!
Don't ever come back here, you shit!
That was so crazy there. I swear best party I've been doin' years.
- I'm doin' the crazy stuff like that, like all the time, man. - Yeah, you are, dude!
I'm so amps right now! Rrrggh!
You. I like you, man. How'd you feel to make a little extra money?
- Whatever it is, I'm in. - Oh, here's the deal.
I can't sell all the shit on my own. I only bring the people I like.
If you do good, maybe we'll bring you what we're doing
I'll introduce you to my hook-up. How's that sound?
- Cool with me. - My man..
...nothing else could be..
Uh, thank you again for the party, man. hey, yo! Yo!
Come on!
"I love dick"? You think that's funny? "Wonder Years douche"?
What kind of sick animal, draws an ejaculating penis into 8 year old mouth?
Thought it'd be, like an airplane throwing up.
You think I don't know about dick and balls? I know all about dick and balls.
I partied with Robert Downing Jr, before got sober, we did really fucked up, and had a lot of fun.
And you know what? From now on, you're gonna do some chores.
You're gonna wash the laundry, you're gonna fold it, you're gonna do the dishes, you're gonna mow the lawn
Dude, I have a surprise for you. Last night at the party..
I took Eric's phone and had Zack put this monitoring device in it.
So, we're gonna get to hear every single thing that a little prick is up to.
- Dude, I don't know that is good idea. - What?
- What if you gotten found out? - But it worked.
This is like the smartest move I've ever plot to. I'm sorry, what are you getting mad at me for?
I'm not getting mad at you. I'm glad, you have something to do.
Good.
Great job, Schmidt.
- Password? - Kneel to be fucked up!
- You may enter. - Thank you, Zach!
- Let's tap that wire, huh? - We just want to go outside with a bunch of chemicals
We're uhm, gonna test what blows up. Uh, there's no reason to wiretap, is it? Uh, super urgent, right?
Not that I can think of, that would make sense.
More, more. Go, go, go, go!
Yes, that's what I'm talking about.
I love this science shit! Is this what you guys do all day?
Let's do it again!
MY PETER PAN COSTUME, TOO REVEALING?
TRY SOMETHING MANLIER
- are you texting Molly? - Uh, what?
- I don't, uh.. maybe. I,.. is that.. - Wow, it's cool, man. Come on.
I'm not someone like, nifty letterman, who pinch the girl..
I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes, but that's not a thing..
I just like, I don't know, I don't believe in possession, cha feel?
Cha feel? Cha definitely feel. Yeah.
Schmidtie?
Schmidtie!
Phyllis.
Uh, I'll be right back / Okay.
How are you? How is my favorite police officer?
- Your mother told me that you are undercover. - Listen, now is not a really good time.
- Yes, are you undercover right now? - Yes, this is undercover mission.
Are those bad guys out there? Oh, my God. This so exciting.
I have gotta call Aunt Anna, she's gonna die. I heard that Jacob boy, is your partner?
Shut your fucking mouth.
- All right guys, check this out. - I was trying to punch you on the face, and you have to match acting up
I swear I'm not gonna punch you / Hey yoh!
- Shit, she tried to grab my dick,dude! - What?!
She's probably touch... She's like: "Oh, my God, I have grab his pants with my own hands.."
"..I even grab a handful of that dick, I kicked a fucked out of her.."
ERIC: she grab you a handful of dick?! SECURITY: You all right?
..I felt weird for a second, so I pushed her, I pushed her! Let's get out of here, let's get out here!
SCHMIDT: DON'T WAIT-UP, OUT WITH ERIC :)
So, your parents, they just cool if having people over whenever?
Yeah, you know, they are most nice, pretty fair just about all things..
You're so lucky your parents don't give a shit about you, right?
This place is awesome!
- Hi!! - Hey, how you doin'?
Wow, that's a bigger hug than I were expecting..
- I'm happy to see you. - Yeah, yeah me too.
I brought tacos, so..
Hey, boys. Miss eco-pussy is going down, today.
Kick down eco-pussy! Kick down eco-pussy!
Mother earth, mother earth is dying..
And when it rains, you're gonna be beautiful bitches cryin'..
- It's really not a planet.. - It's for sure a planet.
- Pluto is a planet. - The jupiter planet..
- Ready, ready! - Not anymore..
- I'm embarrassed, I was like feel exposed.. - Do not feel exposed..
- I must go to toilet, it's in the corner, right? - Yeah, there it is.
the mic is live, we can hear the other half lips
- Do you have the guys? - Zack do her though? / yes
What are you doing?
- I heard something. - hey, can I ask you something?
- Sit down. - Okay
I just wanna make sure that you and Eric are gonna be careful..
with whatever it is, that you're getting involved at.
- Yeah, I promise, we will. - It was just suck when something bad happened, 'cause...
- you're.. you're a good guy. - Yeah, no, I feel the same way about you.
It's like, girl version, you're a girl.
- I am. / Yeah... hahaha - That's why I put this dress on,
- to remind you.. - yes, exactly.
- Are you, are you excited about the play? - Yeah
- Yeah, you were just right in there, with excitement - Yes, I'm very excited.
- Does that make me a super-nerd? - No. Not at all.
- We'd act together - Hahaha vagina.
- He had no chance with her. - oh shit!
You're in the prom committee ?...uh-hmmm? Do you think it's gonna be fun?
- Did she just bring prom to her home? - She did, she just brought her prom.
- What is she doing? - I think it's gonna be awesome.
- Prom is a donk. / Multiple donk. - All right. Anyone who says their don't care about the prom..
- actually, secretly does. - We're not gonna take the prom.
- There's no one wants to go to prom with us. - Come on, picture it!
You pull up with the white stallion of a limo, you got fine-ass honeys with you, you dress to the night..
with your best buds, doves fly out behind you. With slow motion doves.
- Doves, why doves? - Cause doves make you look like a bad-ass, that's why.
I'm pretty skeptical, but, maybe if someone fun asked me..
I would go.
Aren't you with Eric? Wouldn't you and Eric go together?
Not that I know of.
- Would you ... - He's gonna choked
He's always choked, he's gonna choked. Wait for it.
So.. would...you... maybe...
Oh my God, are you okay? / oh yeah..
That is actually sound of choking.
I, I was wondering, if you, uh..
Would you, uh.. Maybe wanna go..
with me to prom? Would you wanna go maybe with to prom?
Yes.
- I would love to go to the prom with you. - What? she said "yes"
- Good for you, Doug. - Thank you for asking.
Put it there, then. Just put it right there.
I'm putting it right there.
Yeah, here you guys, huh?
Oh, how are you doin'?
Okay, settle an argument. You and your brother aren't really related, right?
- 'cause you two look so different - He's adopted.
We all suspect him from a very lame family.
- Where is he tonight? - Probably at home, playing tool with..
You know how Tom Cruise had always pissed-off at Rain Man?
That's like my life, except Brad is really shit at Math.
- Your Bro kind of dick. - Yeah, he.. he kind of, doesn't he?
- Don't let me do that. - I'll give it for work.
Eric is the funniest I ever..
Hello. Hey you guys, so funny seeing you here. How are you, guess what?
I don't care. We just closed our third high school operations.
And check what we found at Kennedy. Looks like we're gonna have to do your job for you.
Your drugs currently spread in different school now, sucker!
You failed to stop the outbreak. And you have no leads.
We're running out of time. You will find the supplier,
Or I'll jump your asses off Jump Street.
I totally understand what are you calling from, Sir. But look, I heard Eric talking on the phone yesterday.
With somebody, that sounds very suspect about " meat loaf would not stop at pinata".
Is that a code for sex?
- Pinata, really? - Yup, remember that wiretap in Eric's phone?
While you have a good time in your life, last night..
I was listening, I overheard a phone call between Eric and some dude, about that pinata.
- So, you heard? - Yep.
I am so nervous! We are about to premiere in front of the whole school.
I apologize in advanced, if I threw up on you on stage.
- serious question, now: How do I look? - About the same.
- Is it too sexy of an outfit? - bend your knee a little bit? Yup, it is.
Oh, it's gonna be so much easier having you on stage with me.
I'm so happy that I met you. You're like the only guy that I can really trust.
Yup, that's me.. Doug.
Potassium Nitrate, don't hate it. It's great.
It's an active oxidizer
I didn't know that, now I'm wiser.
It has crystal line structure. If you can't respect that,
you're a butt-mouther. It's the key ingredient of gun powder.
KNO3, don't get no grieve.
You can be used to make corned beef.
It's also known as salt titer.
Brad, where are you going?
- I don't wanna look like a techie wearing a.. - Doug, hey.
- Hi! - Hi! Wow, what are you wearing?
That, potassium nitrate explosives. I need to borrow you.
- Now is not a good time, Brad - Uh-hmmm? It's really a good time.
- 'Cause my pinata is killing me. - Is that for a sex thing?
- It's leaving the parking lot. - Pinata? / Uh-hmmm?
Molly, uh... I would be right back. I need to help Brad with somebody, okay?
I just need to help Brad with somebody, / What? real quick. I promise you.. / No!
Do you understand how soon the show to curtain?
- tell me you understand.. ? - I swear you, I swear you.
What? Are you kidding me?!
What did I say, what did I say? Whose wiretap is working now, huh?
- You told me I don't have to worry about the tickets. - I thought it made us look cool.
- That man has car. - I'm driving.
- Oh, you're not. - I never get the chance..
- Fine ! Fine! - Hey guys!
- This car does look fast. - Go!
Guys, hey wait, guys. You're not on the list, hey guys, wait...
Uh, who cares?
- Holy fuckin' shit! - No fuckin' way.
- Those are the guys in the park. - That is just crazy.
- What's in that thing? - I don't know. Money, drugs..
There could be a new buyer, or they wield on some product.
- It's good, you'll hear from me. - It's not good, you'll hear from me about telling you how's that not good.
- Thanks, S. - Fucked out of here.
- All right. - Okay, Sillane.
I'll see you guys.
We're definitely gonna follow them, to find out though.
- Get down, get down.. - get down there.
- what are you doing? - If they see us, pretend like you're sucking my dick.
- what? No! - Yes.
- No! You pretend like sucking my dick! - Just pretend like you're sucking my dick!
- Why am I that have to blowing you? - Cause you're in fuckin' peter Pan costume!
- Okay, let's go, let's go! - Okay, fine we follow them.
We need be back in 30 minutes for curtain.
- Dude, you stomp the teacher's brake? - Yeah, you're following too close, they're gonna make at us.
well, if I get you too far back, still looking as suspicious as we stop.
Christ, let me do my fair, I know, what I'm doing.
Seriously? If you do it again, I'm gonna whack at you right on the ball.
Just stay back. I could not be more serious.
- Take your foot off the brake. - No.
- Take your foot off the brake! - I'm not, no!
Holy shit! / Oh shit! look what you did!
WHAT THE FUCK! You're not driving, motherfuckers!
Get the fuck out of the car!
- Get out now!! - Lock the door!
Why are you fuckin' coming out?
Get out of that damn car!!
- No, that is worst ZZ top! - No, no, no!
- That is ZZ top! - I stomp the car now!
- Oh, shit! - Oh my God!
Shit!
- We're stuck in traffic. - Shit! they're coming! / what?
oh my God, dude. what do we do..
- What's wrong with you? Run! - I can't, I'm wearing tights.
I have skinny jeans, that's the same fuckin' thing!
They're gonna make us, they're gonna kill us!
- Porsche, porsche! - Police, get out of the car!
- Get out of car, you jack-ass! - Go to sleep, bitch!
- hang buddy, motherfucker! - Go, go, go, go!
- Let's checkin' out gun, or something, all right? - Where, where I have to find it?
- I don't know.. - There's golf ball and this.
- What do we suppose to do with these? - I don't know, man!
I've never been in freeway chase before!
FLAMMABLE GAS
- Watch out! / Go, go, go, go! - What happened?
- I don't know, it didn't explode. - That's weird.
Can anybody tell me where my Peter is?
- French! - You're not the first choice,
- but I need you to go on as Peter. - Oh, gosh. I've been in characters for months now.
Great, nobody cares.
- Come on! Another traffic jam. - I'm sorry, I didn't check the traffic report.
- but we were got the car jumped. - Come on! Come on!
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU???
- Are you texting? - No, I'm not texting!
- Yes, you are, you're texting! - No, I'm not.
I'LL BE THERE "FAIRY" SOON!!!!
L.O.L. (Laugh Out Loud)
- I'm driving! - why are always temper with the car like that?
Hi, how are you? / Fine. You're beautiful / Oh, thanks.
You're a fine as shit. Don't worry someone will pick you right away.
- Drive! - Wait, pick me up.
- They're coming, they're coming! - Why don't you texting them and ask to stop chasing us?
- He's got a gun! - Find anything to throw at him!
Everything, just throw it! / All right, okay!
- It will explode! - Oh my God, close the windows!
- What the fuck is that? - I don't care just do it!
OIL & FUEL
I really thought that one was gonna explode.
Look at the compartment drawer for gun!
- What are you talking about? We're in the pink car! - I don't care!
- Look at the goddamn gun in drawer compartment! - What the hell?
Shoot! / Okay, okay, okay!
- Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun! - I need to aim at him, before I can shoot!
Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot!
- That one exploded? - Holy shit, that was crazy!
- Why did you shoot for me? - You weren't shooting, you were shocking!
- So, I had to save us. - I was gonna shooting!
- You always do this every single time. - What?
Seriously, just take me back to school, man. If I missed the play..
Molly's gonna freak-out. She's not gonna go to prom with me.
- Are you fuckin' serious, buddy? - Fuck, yes, I'm serious.
I can't believe you make me late. You're so selfish!
- I'm selfish? - Yes, you're selfish.
- Are you fuckin' kidding me? - Look at yourself!
You're in too deep, man.
Yesterday I found a college application on your desk!
I don't know how long this case is gonna last?
And if Eric's gonna get in to Berkeley, and honestly, I can get in too..
Who knows, I can right at things, I can be doctor or something.
Have you lost your fucking mind? You screw this investigation, all up!
At least I know my Miranda Rights, you idiot!
- You're very silly man, indeed. - Boys, squat, come quickly.
Uh, I'm here. I know I missed first two scenes, uh..
- I wanna thank you for Samuel, for... - Fuck you, Doug!
I said we just, blow right on to this thing, huh?
- This is my twin, well, we're together in.. - Back up, get fuck out here.
- What are you doing? Have you lost your mind? - What is this?
I don't know, but it's already more exciting..
- You're embarrassing me. - It's okay. I'll make it out to you.
And, uh.. let's fly!
- Such a bullshit! - Get off of me! Get off of me!
I'm not damn, I'm smart! Do you think I'm stupid?
- Yeah! - I guess I should do something.
I should probably not standing here watching, I should take action.
Worst best friend ever!
- Molly, I'm sorry. - I don't wanna talk to you ever again.
I'm sorry.
You stupid idiot!
Come on!
Make fun of me behind my back? Everyone laugh at me?
I've been a loser for 4 years, you can't nail it for 5 minutes?!
How does feel the fairy dust, motherfucker?!
- Hey guys, no! - I heard you called me Rain Man...
- You ass-hole! - Make it fun a bit, suck dick!
- No! - You supposed to be my friend!
Stop! Stop it! You're expelled! Both of you are expelled!
And that's the end of act two.
- Is that it? You're not gonna scream at us? - Nope.
I'm just gonna fire you.
- Movin' out? - Yup.
You know, You know what's crazy to me? That I actually thought we're brothers.
I would've taken a bullet for you.
- Get in, now! Both of you. - Why should I?
- Just get in the car, man. - Get in the fuckin' car!
Nope, not until you ask nicely.
Please, get in the car.
Come on, you guys, come on! Please! Jesus!
That messed up shit you've done yesterday.
And, after we made the exchange, our potential business partners got followed by some fucking cops!
- That's insane, man. Are you serious? -Yes, I don't wanna go to jail!
Are you,.. you know what happened with the handsome guy like me in jail?
It rhymes with "grape".
I can't let that happened.
So, I got these from my Dad's gun storage.
- Eric, Eric, Eric! / Come on, whoa! - Springfield 45. Police issue.
Very powerful gun. Have you ever used one?
No, we're really not gun people, man.
- A lot of things I might be wonder about you. - Come, on.
Your taste in music. Fact that you look like fucking' 40 year old man.
And after that shit at the play, I realized..
No way you guys could be cops.
I got this deal going down. The supplier's gonna be there.
I need people I can trust.
All right. Come on. Well, both of you are gonna shoot these bottles. We're gonna practice.
Okay? Okay.
- Oh, that was, that was really fuckin' awesome. - Beginner's luck.
All right. The supplier wants the deal to go down at prom.
This is gonna be always this heavy there, but, as long as you guys all at my back..
- Yeah? Yeah? - We can do that.
It's time to get our jobs back.
Let's get ready for prom.
- Schmidtie, chore time! - Mom, we don't have time for chores right now!
- If you stay in this house, you have time for chores. - Mom!
k'o'o'c'1'n'g_g4ul (N4ka's'h'i'm'a T4da'y'o's'h'i)
Here. It'll be quicker if I help.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
Your shotgun hanging too low. They're gonna see it.
Thanks.
Jenko ...
Will you go to prom with me?
I guess.
Are we really gonna take down all drug operations by ourselves?
I got some contacts that would help us.
ONE NIGHT IN TIJUANA
Brad, what are you doing here? You can't be here.
This is wrong, you're so right. What?
I'm so happy you willing to get job over me. You have to go. Please, don't leave me, ever.
- I'm scared. Stop. Stop. - Stay! / Stop.
- What? - Stay!
- Go! - Stay! - Okay, stop.
- I'm lost without you. - What?
Get off of me, I'm gonna throw up. You are so hot.
Hey, pumpkin man. I'm very mad at you. dance with me?
- Are you on shit? - So, what if I am?
Look, Molly. It's so serious, stuff is about to go down.
- And, and I don't you to get hurt. - I've already been hurt, Doug.
- I don't care. - You need to leave, you need to leave, you need get out of here.
- Right now. - Making a lot of hand gestures.
- Okay, my name is not Doug. It's Schmidt. - What?
- And I'm a cop. - What?
Okay? And, and I care about you. and, and I don't you get busted, so..
So, you need to leave right now. leave the prom right now, Molly.
- I'm serious. - Hey, hey. Penthouse now! Supplier's waiting.
- What are you? - Hey, come on. Supplier's waiting.
- Is that Eric? - Molly, leave, right now. Leave, right now!
- Mr. Walters? - Hey, beautiful Brad.
And his brother. Wow, you look great!
- You're the supplier? You're teacher. - And I was stuck out at teacher's salary, bro
Can barely pay my alimony.
But you're gettin' bailed. Huh!
- You boys are so good at this, aren't you? - Yeah, Cinnamon
Oh my God. We're getting such a good evidence.
I stole some of that bust of burned crap from Chem Lab, doing some of my cool deeds.
And it was molly-delicioso! And one day I catch this eco-butt-munch over here..
smokin' JJ behind the field house.
And I'm like: "hey, wanna make some coins?"
Green-penis, I guess, huh?
So, I gave my deal. Oh my! I hurt my hand.
Bitch.
You guys look crazy scary. How many you all there?
A lot. Carl.
- The patch looks great, man. - Thank you.
- He's gonna recognize us, man. - Domingo, this is, this is Walters.
- He made the stuff. - Real pleasure to meet you.
Fuck with the name is. Yours is good.
Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.
What? You have a party now? Who are these two motherfuckers?
Hey, how's it goin'?
- No, that's cool man. They're my boys. So.. - Are they?
- Yes. - I don't like strangers.
How do you ever expect making new friends, with that attitude, it was like..
- Everyone is stranger till you give them a chance, man. - What the fuck are you talking about?
Oh, leave it. I'm fuckin' around. Do your thing, and proceed.
Hey, kid, come here. You? You look familiar.
- Me? - Yeah.
I was in, uh, in french fry commercial when I was a kid.
So, people are like, they often say, I, I.. "I think know you bad". And I would bet, I've never met them before.
- Do I look like I eat french fries? - I don't know you would. Like you're in a great shape.
But, maybe you have like one chiptail like a carb, carb blow out, you know? I don't know.
- No. - Yeah, theme song's like..
Come to Andrew's French Fry Emporium
Where friendship and French fries, go hand in hand..
- That's my casadia? Who wants a piece, huh? - I know you're in it, Doug.
PHASE 04: FUCK YEAH MOTHERFUCKER
Or whatever your name is! You lied to me!
I' gonna kill you! You're a dammit fucking COP!
Hey you guys, she just called me "stupid fucking COCK". It's rude.
- Dick head NARC, motherfucker! - Did she just said, "nick head DARK motherfucker"?
- That was just racist. - I know what is these two.
- Your boys are cops! - Police! Get on the ground!
- You get on the fuckin' ground! - We ask you first!
- Why should I give a damn? - You're fucking cops?!
We partied together, man. You brought us Taco Bell.
- Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture. - You made me have this friendship bracelet.
Well, he's not really your friend. He's pretending the whole time.
- It is the fake bracelet. - I'm gonna cut this fuck out later, right?
What the fuck is going on? Shut this kid up!
- Him too. - No, no, no. Listen! I'm with you guys.
- I don't know this guys are cops! - I'm gonna get out of here..
- I hate you! What? get out of my face! - Molly!
- Oh, hey! There you are! - What the fuck?
Drop your gun, or I'll spray her brain all over the room!
Did you get all this hostage from goddamn TV show shit?
I don't know. I'm trying to help.
- I never done this shit this before. - You're fuckin' up.
- Drop the gun, or she's dead! - She's dead already!
What? No! Oh, Jesus..
Yeah, I can hear her breathing. She just pass out from the drug. We're good.
- Drop the gun! - All right, all right! Just chill out.
We're gonna drop our guns. You gotta let the kid going. No one is gonna die. Okay?
just drop the guns, and kick them over here!
D.B, shoot these motherfuckers.
Oh, come on. That's not fair. We put our guns down, for a good thing.
you're a liar and you're mean!
- What is wrong here? - Just relax,
and we can all leave here as friends.
- Yeah, let's do that. - You boys are stupid!
Oh my God, we're gonna die..
Goddammit! Tom Hansen, DEA! On your knees!
- What the fuck? - Now!!
Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA. You're under arrest!
- Gun down, all of you! - Domingo, tell them!
- Put them down. - Put them down!
- Nice! - Yes!!
- Shut the fuck up! - You little dweeb.
- Just ruined 5 years investigation. - We have no idea.
- You're like an amazing actor, man. - You played saxophone in my sister's wedding, man.
- Talk to her, I fucked her too. - What?
You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate the gang like this?
You see this nose? That is fake nose.
You wanna wear a fake nose in your fuckin' head, for like months run in..
- glue and shit? - Worst thing in the world!
- We have to get fuckin' tattoo on our dicks, man. - Yeah, actually, I just said that to mess with you.
- What? - Looks tough.
Hey, look, pal. We know what it is like being undercover.
- Metro Police, Jump Street Division. - Come on. You guys from Jump Street?
- Yeah, yeah. - That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.
- What? That's crazy! - Yeah.
- Oh, shit! - Oh, my God!
- Get your guns! - Shoot!
Kill them!
What the fuck!
Shoot them!
- That was a gun. - Something is definitely got shot.
Kid, take the money, all right? We're getting out of here.
- Did I hit anything? - You shoot at the fucking ceiling.
I know sometimes I was jerky. When we were undercover,
I just, I don't feel good about myself. All the stuff I wore,
the bracelets, rings, the tight pants..
It was just, so, that people would think I'm cool.
The only approval, that I ever need it..
- was my best friend. - Thanks, man.
The money's gone! Go, let's go!
- We gotta get out of here, man. - You're telling me, you're tired?
- Let's do this! - Let's make a baby!
- What?! What are you talking about? / I don't know. - That's not cop's sign.
That was crazy! You're killer god!
Oh, fuck it. Shit!
We loose through the prom, go!
Go, go, go, go!
Where they got?
Molly!
- You wanna drive? - Yeah, I do love it.
Okay, cool.
- Do you look at how I did it? - That's what I'm talking about!
What are you guys doin' back there, huh? God, I love high school.
Best prom ever!
- You gotta shoot them. - Stay arm!
I'm at them. I'm at them.
- Oh, hey, did you guys come hang out with me? Back here, think I'm so lonely. - Oh fuck! / She's pass out?
Hey, you got a gun. Why don't you shoot back there?
- Shoot that gun! Shoot that gun! / I won't take it. - Just shoot someone, you bitch!
Pretty goo-goo! Give me my money!
Fuck! No, no, no! I can't do this. I want to end up school at Berkeley.
- I'm gonna break the party! - No, no, no!
Hey, I'm living my dream, I'm standing on a my limo!
- Heck, killing my dream! - Come here.
- What? I'm trying to party. - Bitch!
I'll kill you!
- Stop it! Enough! - It's hard! / Enough.
Let's go!
No, stop! I'm not fuckin' play. What you're trying is stupid, would you stop!
Just 2 seconds. You're really hot, and your body's awesome, but I got to shoot people right now!
You think I'm hot?
Wait, guys! Call me! Let me know where you end up later?
I almost out of ammo. We're fucked!
- Give me my money! - I got an idea.
- You still got that shotgun shell ? - Yeah.
Pop-Quiznos: What do you get..
when lithium batteries react with potassium nitrate?
That would be a covalent bond, brother. That when 2 atoms, they share electrons.
You see, they both need what the other one had. That makes them stick together.
- Are you saying, we're the covalent bond? - What? No!
We're not atoms, dude.
- What's this? - Tequila?
I don't know, it was, it was supposed to explode.
- Where did you learn how to do that, man? - AP Chemistry, bitch.
Come on, blondie.
Molly! Molly!
- Drop your weapon! - Don't you fuckin' pull that arm.
- Don't.. - Looks you out of ammo, ass-hole!
Come on! Get out here!
- What's going on? - here's the deal. Nobody moves,
or she's gonna get hurt, you understand? Nobody moves! All right.
Eric, help me! Don't you have a gun?
- All right. Don't move! - Come on, let's go. Let's go!
- No, no, no, no! - I said don't move!
- Oh, fuck! You shot him! - Whoa, God! - You okay?
- You shot my partner, you motherfucker! - I didn't mean to shoot you, I meant to shoot him!
Are you all right, buddy? Are you okay? You took a bullet for me, man.
- Yeah, I'm feeling a little numb from that impact right now. - Don't you hear me? I said don't move!
I said that. You heard, right?
Eric, you heard me, don't move!
- You got this. - Hey, hold still.
- freeze! - Shoot!
Come on.
You pitting high school, motherfucker!
- Oh shit! I shot him in the dick. - You shot me in the dick.
You are under arrest! You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you said can and will be used against you in the Court of Law.
You have the right to attain an attorney, and if you can not afford an attorney,
one will appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?
Fuck you! Yes!
- We did it, man! We did it! - God, that feels so good.
- We did it, man! - You're goddamn rock star.
You feel that? I can't believe you're so cool.
You shot him in the dick. I've never seen that. Who does that?
Look, I'm sorry I called you Rain Man. I know I didn't say you were, but..
You're smart, you're smart guy, and you're thoughtful
and you're sincere, and, and, you're, you're sweet and loyal..
I'm fuckin' cherish you.
Should we high-five?
Aww, my hand!
Uh, are you all right? You need to hospital then?
- We need to call somebody. - Then call somebody!
I need my dick saw back on.
- You shut the fuck up! - That's not funny.
- Is that it? - What?! (freak out)
That's my dick!
- Pick up my dick, please! - No! We're not gonna pick it up your dick.
I'm gonna pick up my dick.
uh, fuck!
He's my friend. They'll serve vegan in jail, bitch!
Molly, I'm..
I'm really sorry.
I know you wanted a guy at trust. I wanna be that person so badly.
And I let you down all the ways, and..
It's good that you mad at me.
I think it's good. I think you should be mad at more guys, because..
you deserve a guy who's good and who doesn't lie to you.
And you should never set off less than that.
There are good guys out there.
weren't ass-holes like me.
Thank you for saving my life, ass-hole.
Put it there, partner.
Uhmm? I'll come back later.
We're like in the end of Die Hard right now, but it's in our actual life.
- That's crazy. - Number 1 or 2?
- Three. - Samuel Jackson dies, yeah!
Boom, motherfucker, what's going on? Come on!
- Oh, here's my guy! - That's him, that's him.
- Enough. / Too long on a hug. - Congratulations, you crazy sick..
bitch a lamey motherfuckers! You got your first arrest, huh?
ARREST REPORT
Enough, enough! / All right. New assignment. Since you two cowboys..
love to join booth, smoke weed wickee
and fuck anything with the big ass and jeans..
with a low self-esteem, I'm assign you to a place,
- where all that shit, is allowed. - Oh, I love Disney Land.
You two sons of bitches, are goin' to college.
- Yes! - No!
Oh, come on. You got this one long..