Subtitles made by Martinibaby (Kitty4@seznam.cz) Edits (and GREAT help:)) by BurntBroccoli.
Please, welcome onto the stage The Mighty Boosh!
Haha, she overshot the runway.
Heeey Brixton, you cheeky bitch!
Howyerdoin' in the top shelf?
-Top shelf, aaa top shelf. -Eeee top shelf.
Very nicey shelfy.
Howyerdoin' in the lower shelf?
What about just you?
What a dick:)
-Everyone in? -Everyone okay?
Yeah? Yeah, you all in? You all settled in?
-Are you all right? -Are you okay, yeah?
Sure? Do you need anything? I mean I could russle you up a quiche or...
-I get on that. -They're good, his quiches are good, he puts LEGO in'em!
Okay everyone's in, let's do it.
Ooh you guys! Where have you been? We've all been waiting for'ya!
-Okay.. -She hid under her fringe, get away from me.
-Are you ready? -Yeah, I´m ready.
-Okay, let's do it. -Check me out.
Howard Moon! Jazz maverick...
..novelist..
..cyclist..
..rider of the penny-farthing..
..stamp collector!
Age: Sixty-one..
..fifty..seven?:)
Special features: The tiny eyes of a shrew! Howard Moon!
Yeah, check him out.
What are you doing?
Eating the applause.
-Who does that? -Me. Nice'n crunchy.
-Was it? Was it crunchy? -Yeah... Get in the light.
Thanx:)
Vince Noir!
Electro poof!
What are you doing?! Never eat another man's applause.
-Oh..that was very rich. -Yeah.
-Like a fruit cake. I feel all bilious. -Too rich for you.
Look at the Spirit of jazz shuffling through there.
Hey baby, you're goin' to the bathroom yeah?
Look how slow he walks out.
Doesn't give a fuck.
I'm outta here - in my own good time.
I ain't movin' fast for no shit.
You might be filming a DVD, I'm takin' my time.
You're on it now, mate.
No he's not. I'm cutting that bit out.
Slow walking fool.
We've got a crazy show coming up for you tonight!
-We've got stuff for you.. -Craaazy show!
-Don't touch me. -What?
-Don't touch me! -He's such a joker!
-Yeah.. I'm not joking. -What? -Never touch me, okay?
Not when we're on stage, not when we're off stage, back stage, not when we're out buying hammocks..
-Never touch me sir. -We DO do that a lot.
-Never touch me! -Okay.
Hey, look seriously - I'm gonna get the fan mail. We've got a bit of fan mail, we should check it out.
-So you'll keep things ticking over here.. -Yeah, you know, I'll work the room.
-Alright yeah, you'll work it up. -Yeeah.
Barratt's gonna work the room, I'm gonna go off like this.
Heey where are you from?
So.. yeah. Alright! Coming at you like a beam, like a ray, like a laser,
like a beam of light in the night, I'm like lightning. Coming at you like a kestrel, ow!
Howyerdoin' everyone? Hello there small child... Hello.
You might wanna cover his ears for some of the show..?
Not doing anything rude, it's just his ears are a bit weird...
If you could just cover them, putting them off slightly.
-Heey where are you from? -Just round there, between those two bits of fabric.
Are you insulting the nippers again?
Hey look at this, look! Fan mail! Check this out. This one's for me and er, this one's for you.
Aaaa I'm jokin'. This one's for me as well.
Let's have a little look, see what the fans are saying.
Dear Vince, I think you are soo amazing and brilliant! And your hair is so big and tall and nice and I really like you!
The only thing is, is why do you have to have your dad in the show?
There's another one here. Let's have a look at this one.
It's just screaming, that one. Quite abstract...
Yeah, well you know.. I get fan mail, alright? Yeah! It's not the quantity of the fan mail, it's the quality of the fan!
-That's what I say. -It is what he says. It is!
This came to me - this piece of fan mail - came to me this, only this very morn' and ...
I'm bringing morn' back as a figure of speech.
-This came to me this fair morn'. -Oooh this fair morn'.
-This fair morn' has arrived. -Good luck with that.
Check it out.
Dear Howard, if you ever come to me again, I will call the police...
Haha, that's the wrong one - I've got the wrong.. I've got them mixed-up...
I got it in wrong pockets... ...I mixed it up.
This is the one I meant to read out. This is from none other than Tom Paulin.
-Ladys and gentlemen. -Who? -Tom Paulin.
-Yes, she knows. -There he is.
This is, you know, he's intellectual - man of letters all around...
-Man made of letters? -Yeah, this is from him.
-Really? That Irish guy on the late? -Yeah check it out.
Dear Howard Moon, I just wanted to drop you a line, since I thought your
performance in The Mighty Boosh was mesmerizing. Mere sincerely Tom Paulin.
Tom Paulin!
-Yeah, that came to me. To ME! -Yeah, that's good. What's this little bit here he's put?
-Don't read that bit! -What is it? -Don't read it!
Yes and could I possibly have a signed photograph of your cock and balls?
Ooh Tom's a bit weird, isn't he?
Creepy Tom...
-Creepy Tom. -Creepy creepy Tom Tom.
Anyway how have you been since the telly show? You've been alright?
-I've been real good sir, real good. -Yeah?
-Telly show? Are you ten? -Mentally, yeah.
I've been good yeah, very busy - working on my theatre skills - training myself up for the, you know, this run.
Working on the ancient art of mime. You know, so... check me out.
Ow! Comin'at'ya'... yeah? I'm in a chimney.
See that? What about this? Look! I'm next to a log... Chaffinch.
-Do chaffinch again! -I only do that once.
Yeah, I've been busy - you know - working myself up on the theatre department, you know what I mean?
-Building up my theatre muscles... -So you've been busy? That's what you're sayin'?
Weird that you should say that, 'cos I was walking through Camden the other day and
I saw you in a skip, weeping...
-That was an art piece, that I was... -Was it? - Yeah...
Yeah but you had like a shirt and tie on, but no pants or trousers on.
Yeah? Too much for you, was it?
-That's what I do, you know, I'm a maverick. -It was too much.
It was quite early in the morning. I was trying to eat a baguette.
-That's what I do. -It was a shock.
I take my work into the streets, you know? I don't just do stuff in theatres, this is like oldschool for me, you know?
I'll go into the streets in my world - you can't put me in a box. If you put me in a box I'll break out of the box, you know?
If you put a boundary around me, I'll eat the boundary and wash it down with a cup of hot steaming rules.
Ow! comin'at'ya' like a beam, like a ray, like a buzzard!
Swooping about, know what I mean? Peckin' at the boundaries. That's the way I work!
That sounds electric.
-Yeah? What have you been up to then? -Well, pretty much, right after the telly show
I've invented this game - Brixton check this out, alright?
I've invented a game called: Pelt The Rabbit In His Big White Face!
Genius! I know, the title alone is pretty cool, but wait - til you hear what happens - you're in here, right,
or wherever, by the windmill doesn't matter and this massive rabbit comes in, he's got really massive face, he's a freak,
he's like that - and he's quite tall he's like six foot - and he comes running towards you
and you've gotta like leg it and get away from him or like pelt him with coins
or sunflower seeds or take your Chelsey boot off and just take him out.
Cos if he catches you he just throws you on the floor and rapes you.
That's not a game, is it? Really that...
That's just a sequence of events. A sequence of horrific events.
Culminating in a rape.
-Where's the game elements? -Yeah, but it's not an ordinary rape! It's a rabbit rape!
It's a terrific bunny-bumming!
-From MB Games? What? There's no strategy! -Of course there's a strategy!
Why? What is it?
Well, you know, the thing with it is you never know when he's gonna come, do you? When he's gonna arrive, easy!
He might come in an hour, he might come in two hours, he might come in month, he might come in a year,
he might come in fourteen minutes! What if he's ill? He's got a brother looks exactly like him!
He's the worse of the two if anything - he's more powerful and vigorous.
You'll never get away from him. If it's his brother, you might as well just sit down..
..put up the white flag.
This isn't the show by the way:) This is just, you know little bit of idle banter up top.
-The show's all back here, waiting to come out. -Oh yeah I can feel it..
There's a tiny bit of the show. I can feel it! Look at the show - it's lively tonight!
Let's have a little glimpse of the show!
-Did I dream that? -Let's see if it was real.
-Yeah, we've got some stuff lined up for you. -It's different every night that bit.
Yes I thought what we should do really before unleashing that is warm up a little bit.
So you know, get ourselves into the theatre mode.
-I've written a small piece of theatre.. -Yeah?
-..which we could do right here, right now so.. -A small piece?
-A pouch. -A pouch.
-A pouch of theatre? -Yeah, powerful pouch.
-And they do call you the theater wallaby? -Yes, they do.
That's how I type.
This is something I've created and I'd like to do it now - we're all gonna get warmed up
-..you know if we didn't warm up.. -No way!
You know, you could strain a theatre muscle or something so.. you know...
You might fracture your eyes, sir. We don't want that.
-So.. -What shall I do then? -Well you can be in it.
-No way! -Yeah! -Really?
-Can you act? -Can I act?
Not really, no... That was me acting then, aaa.
The Twisterroonie..
-No, still no! -Come on!
-No, not even through your nice new Kiss jacket. Never touch me.
-What shall I do then? -Get ready I'll introduce it.
Yeah? Alright, cool, I'm going off like this - ooh monkey hands...
..and frozen legs.
Monkey hands and frozen legs - the ultimate combination.
Okay. Right, well this is little piece now, that I've written myself with a pen.
And... it's set in Russia, turn of the century... I know what are you thinking.
Don't think that, because.. this is dark penetrating theatre.
Please enjoy a piece I've written, called simply: ''Pies''.
This is fucking ridiculous!
You're out of your mind!
Would you like a pie?
No...
But it is a good pie.
Nevertheless. Last time you gave me pie...
..I cut into it with my tiny pie cutter...
..and millions of birds flew out - hitting me in the eyes and the temples!
I was confused - it was a trick pie!
Why you no like my pie?
I just told you.
Eeee you don't like my pie-eee...
Oooh tricky pie...
Aiiiiii bring pie to show you I love you!
Why can't you just tell me you love me?
Pastry goods every fucking day with you!
-You don't like pie? -Ooohhhhh pie...
- Whyyoudon't liiiike.. -Idon'twantpie..
Arghghghghghg I don't want pie..
-Wantpie wantpie.. -Urghghghgh..!
Thanks a lot!
-Penetrating theatre... Thank you! -I like this hat. It's quite cool.
-It's good. -In the kind of Pete Doherty way.
Ooh I can't find my band!
Mate, your're the frontman - they're behind'ya.
Oh yeah, cheers!
-What's that? -He plays Give us a clue.
-Oh yeah, he's quite good at that isn't he. -He's really good at it, actually.
Yeah, he's a dab hand.
So.. right, well it's time to move on now, to phase two point nine of the evening.
Which is my favourite. It's the part where we introduce you to the guests - to people you're gonna be meeting in the show.
-We've got some great people. -Oh who have we got? We've got Daley Thompson.
He's gonna come down, he's gonna saw a calculator in half..
..to see where the numbers live!
Oh yeah.. And he's gonna shave his moustache off.. ..to reveal a tattoo of a moustache.
-So he's quite.. -Daley. -Daley.
So before that - we didn't wanna peak too soon - we're gonna have a guest now a great guy..
a man who.. a great friend of mine, a great friend of yours, erm, not a friend of yours..
..sadly - he hates you. But..
Dunno why you chose to sit so close to the front really, cos.. you know what I mean?
It's a bit weird considering everything that has happend between you and the hatred..
..that has being brewing.
But that aside, please welcome to the stage - Naboo the enigma!
Look at him, he's like a puma in a turban.
Look at that - what's going on that mind? Nobody knows?
He could be wrestling with the dilemmas of time itself, solving the riddles of the universe..
Deep stuff. Let's have a listen.
I might have a pot noodle later. Chicken and mushroom.
Naboo the enigma!
Powerful stuff.
What are YOU doing here?
I warned you, gonna have to turn my back on you!
Let that be a lesson to you!
Naboo the enigma!
Are you ready for your next guest?
Go mad, scream, make him feel welcome: Bollo!
Hey Vincey, good to see you. Good to see you!
Heey long time no see!
Hellooo!
Top shelf!
I like the bottom shelf too, don't worry.
Look at your hair, looks wicked! What you got in there? A bit of Rootbooster?
Yeah, I made a bit of an effort tonight, you know?
Bit of gel, bit of mousse, product, huh?
Nice, that's looking good.
Looks lovely, it's quite modish - the way that it's...
Jesus.. So how have you been anyway Bollo? You've been good?
-You've been busy? -Yeah, I've been good, I've been busy since the TV show.
Yeah, very busy - I had audititon for Peter Jackson.
-No way! Peter Jackson? -Yeah!
Yeah? What's he doin' these days?
He's thinking of remaking King Kong.
-He's thinking of remaking it, is he? -Yeah.
Yeah, when did you do the audition?
Well it is quite a while ago, you know, but these things they take time.
Yeah.. You get out of the house much these days Bollo? Or you...
No, not really - I kind of sit at home, learning my lines, waiting for Peter to call me, you know?
-Right, you know that it's already... -Yeah, don't tell him, don't tell him!
-What? Huh? -Heey where are you from?
-I think he liked me. -Yeah. I bet he loved you!
I just think he hasn't make his mind up yet, you know?
-That'd be it, yeah. -That he's taking his time.
-But I think he's keeping an eye on me. -Oh yeah.
And I'm not overly sure, but I think Peter might be in tonight.
-Really? -Sitting up to back, yeah.
I'm pretty sure I saw him in the bar earlier eating a flapjack.
He does like flapjacks.
Do you mind if I... do a bit of funny business for Peter?
Funny business?
Well, you know, the audition it was quite serious, I'd like to show Peter Bollo's funny side.
Maybe do a bit of stand-up?
-Yeah. -Okay. -Is that okay?
-Yeah. -I'll get a mic.
-Okay I'll go over there, you can introduce me. -Yeah, I'll bring you on, make it all professional, yeah?
Okay, cool. It's quite exciting.
Does Naboo know you are here?
He's been dealt with.
Look at all these seats, he had to sit right there at the front.
What a dick.
Okay.. So, Bollo have you ever done stand-up before?
No.
Are you feeling confident?
No.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen you're in for a treat tonight, mate he's got some tight one liners, he's a little bit saucy in places,
don't let that put you off. Here he is - Bollo the stand-up!
I was.. I was in the supermarket the other day and I had a shopping trolley...
And I was pushing it along and it had a wonky wheel.
And I pushed it along a bit.. and it went a bit to the left..
..and so I pushed it a bit further and it went a bit further to the left.
And I pushed it a little bit further still and it went even further to the left.
And in the end I kind of ended up back where I was in the first place.
Eh.. um... here's another one.
Very funny thing happened to me on the way here tonight. Yes, it did!
There was a man, come up to me and he said: Bollo! He said...
Oh hang on, was it a man?
Sorry I mucked it up. I think it might have been a lady..
Let me start again - basically just passed and come up to me and they said: Bollo!
-What's this? Naboo! Naboolio! -Next time you go to Brixton make sure that...
-Are you okay? -What happend?
-What? -What happend?
Oh it went brilliantly - you did three hours!
They carried you around, you did encores...
-Oh really? -You were amazing!
-Oh good, was Peter laughing? -Oh he spat flapjack all on his legs!
Okay, well there you go that's it - you met Naboo, you met Bollo you met everyone who's gonna be in the show.
It's time to do the show. You met everyone who's gonna be in it so..
Wait just one minute! What about me!? Bob Fossil! Yes! King of the Zooniverse!
My brother! I'm king of the Zooniverse! And now I'm king of Brixton!
I know you! I know you! You sexually confuse me!
I fought with you in 'Nam!
Steppy steppy step step!
Hey! Oh, I don't need this.
Brixton! I own you!
Oh, I just popped a lung.
Just shaking out a piss stain.
Good to have you on board there Bob, I didn't expect to see you but..
-Great to be here! -Good to see you.
So, you been good? What have you been up to? Fill us in.
Well as you probably read in all the tabloids - I'm eighteen months pregnant.
-I've got a bun in the oven. -Nice work. Nice work. Who's the dad?
It's Tom over there and your marriage is a sham!!
Anything else you've been up to?
Oh yeah, I started this Underwater Language Academy.
Yeah, check this out! Hi, I'm Bob Fossil, how are you?
What's going on with you? (underwaterish gibberish:)
Thank you, thank you. Please. Wooow!
Anything else you've been doing, that's in the script?
Oh yeah, oh yeah - that black and white thing I got in the mail.
Yeah. With the words on it.
The.. the devil scratchings.. Yeah I was in this detective show in the US, called Big Leg.
-Big Leg? -Yeah.
You know how detectives have disabilities, you know, like Ironside - he sits in a rolly chair.
And that Murder-she-wrote-lady is a nymphomaniac. Where's the murderer?
Let me at 'em!
My finger's on fire!
And Colombo likes to shit his raincoat and give it to his wife.
Aaa one more question.. ooh here honey. Give that to the dry-cleaner's, I've got a glass eye.
-Is that why he shits himself? -Yeah, he don't know where that shit's goin'.
It's like s sprinkler.
Here honey.
-Right.. -Right?
Ooh Brixton!
-So you've played Big Leg, yeah? -Yeah what's his all angle on the detective genre?
-I'm glad you ask. -I bet you are.
Big Leg has a big fucking leg, right? He sits in the cop station, right?
You know, he's like smoking a big cigar, he's dabbling his balls with a moist towelette.
You know, while his leg goes out for miles around, kicking ass and fighting crime!
Here you go burglar. Here you go embezzler! Come on into the station, cuff'em - I hate Whites!
That was my catchphrase.
-Hate you Whites! -We all do.
Okay well that.. that sounds good, we look for to seeing that.
-Yeah. -We're gonna do the show now, so now if you wanna..
I can't wait, I love to act - check me out. I'm an actor - I know what to say.
Okay well, we'll try to find a place for that sort of stuff...
Okay, are you ready? We're gonna do it, so you're gonna get backstage and we're gonna finish..
Oh, one more thing, I'd love to just warm up in front of the audience if that's okay?
Is that alright with you lot?
Bob Fossil! Is he a genius or is he.. ..or is he a retard?
Um... I'm a renius.
Are you ready to rock Brixton?
Then hit it!
Oh Brixton, give it to me Brixton, give it up, give it up, give it up.
Brixton, give it up Brixton!
Oh yeah!
Check this out! Ooh yeah!
I'm lactating!
Hey look - I'm sewing!
I'm reading a comic. I'm a robot!
Ow! And that's why I don't like cricket!
Bob Fossil - there he is.
The light blue bitch.
Okay, well that's it - you've met everyone who's gonna be in the show. It's time to do the show now.
-And.. yeah? -Yeah, cool, let's go. -Let's do it!
-That's nice, what's that? You changed your little top have you? -Yeah, do you like this? It's nice - simple design, yeah?
Yeah, exactly!
You know what? Hey hot stuff!
Are you from a fifties cartoon?
Feel that, look. Feel it! Pull it, give it a pull.
-That is a durable fabric. -That springs right back into place.
-It does, doesn't it? I bet that.. -But...
I bet that was expen...
Weirdly enough, lets you breathe!
-I bet that's an expensive item, isn't it? -Not at all. Reasonably priced.
-In the foyer. You're liking that? -Yeah. I've got my own...
-It's part of the Vince Noir merchandise range, yeah. -Well I've got a range of merchandise comin' out.
Don't you worry about that - Howard Moon range. I've got a hot range of bassoon cases coming out.
Yeah! For the... for bassoon players in the crowd tonight..? Yeah!
Get fucked!
There'd be two if you're lucky.
Yeah, we had to cancel that order, that wasn't really working out...I spoke to the merchandise people
-What are you talking about? -We had to cancel that.
-That was a sure-fire thing! -What?
What about the.. what about the trumpet sock?
-We didn't even know, what the trumpet sock was. -I told you what the trumpet sock was.
I told you time and time again. You know, a sock - knitted sock - for the trumpet!
You're going out on a picnic, you don't wanna take the full trumpet case,
so you take your little sort of crochet trumpet sock.
What, in case the trumpet's feet get cold?
No no it's just, you know, it's a light-weight sort of trumpet sock, you know?
It comes in a range of colours - you've got brown, you've got your beige, you've got your muffin, you've got your nutmeg.
Do you know what I mean?
-Nutmeg crochet trumpet sock? -That's right!
-We had to cancel that. -Aaa foolish.
But don't worry, we had some ideas, yeah, we came up with some merchandise for you, that you can wear on stage as well, yeah?
-Yeah? -Check this out - look at this! Howard Moon... yeah.
See? Look at this? The Howard Moon pink funky pants! How cool are they?
Why don't you wear those? We wanna see Howard in these, don't we?
-Get your northern pins out, come on! -This isn't an issue about my legs, I have got good legs.
But that's not the issue, you know - I'm an a.. I'm an aaa shut it! You tart!
-I'm an artist, you know - I've got poise and dignity. -Yeah?
-I'm not doing that on stage. -Cool, okay.
I understand where you're coming from, I've got poise and dignity too.
-Should we get on with the show? -Let's do it, okay.
Okay, are you ready for the show?
Top shelf are you ready?
Lower shelf?
It's a little piece that we've written for you, I hope you enjoy it. It's simply called: The Ruby of Kukundu.
The Arctic tundra..
..using some sheets.
Ten thousand years ago.
Ten thousand years later!
I'll come on again.
Yes...
Thanks mum..
Ow! chica chicaaa!
You know I've got the moves!
They call me doctor mime!
Hello, Naboo's nick-nacks.
Hi, Naboo's not here at the moment, but I am so any queries you have - just fire them straight at me - Howard Moon.
Yeah, we don't have any of those, I'm afraid, no...
What we do have though is very interesting and rare jazz LPs which I brought to the store...
Hello..?
Huh, must have gone in a tunnel..
What the fuck was that?
-Sweep it. -Sweep what?
Sweep up the mime shards.
Where are they?
-All around. -All around?
Watch your eyes.
Or you'll have to go to the mime hospital.. ..see the mime doctor.
-Hey how are you? Are you alright? -Good yeah, I'm really good.
-Yeah? Have you sold anything yet? -Not as yet, but it's early days, early days, early days.
-Yep? -Yep.
-You've been tryin' to flog your moody jazz records? -Yeah.
-As if anyone's buying this record - look how big his face is!
Why should that be a problem? That's Larry 'Big face' Eddison.
One of the biggest faces in bebop.
-One of the biggest faces? -Yeah, I mean, there's...
-You mean there's a bigger face? -Yeah, there's Toots Enormous-Face Tellemans.
-He's like a frying pan! -Yeah..
Rest of the band just hold him up.
Well don't you worry about it, yeah? Cos I've got these things! These are gonna fly off the shelves, yeah?
Naboo is gonna love us! Check these bitches out, yeah?
-What are they? -Wigs of my own hair, how cool are they?
Come on, no - look at them - not only are they stylish, yeah? In that kind of Mick Jagger, Joan Jett, Stig of the dump way, yeah?
But when you put one on - they transform you into a popstar like me!
Yeah, but you're not a popstar, right? You work in a shop with me.
Yeah, but I'm gonna be, check me out!
~ Driving along on a perspex sea, heart beats fast like a tiny machine ~
~ I am electro boy.. ..I am electro girl. ~
You little tart.
Yeah, well you know I've got dreams too - I'm not goin' to be a shop keeper my entire life, check me out!
Yeah... Believe it!
Shut it and listen.
Yes indeed. Anyway, enough of this shenanigans. Why are you late for work this morn'?
Was I late for work? This mooorn'?
-This fair morn'. -This fair morn'.
Well I tell you why, basically, what happened, right, I was in bed last night, it was really weird and I was all tucked up in my duvet,
it was really nice, so I was just nodding off, yeah, when this kingfisher came in - he was massive, his body was
about that wide yeah? But he had men's legs, sort of.. he was walking like that. And he had a kingf- and a really long beak and he just
knelt on me, right, and just pecked me like that - really tiny pecks right in bridge of the nose, oh it was.. all night, I couldn't sleep.
Okay, fair enough.
I know why you were late for work this morning, I know why. Cos when I got up you were looking in the mirror, yeah?
And when I left the house you were still looking in the mirror. And you had a mirrorball suit on, yeah?
And you were trapped in your own reflection, you know? You're like a budgie.
I'm not like a budgie!
I mean why can't you just take a leaf out of my wardrobe, huh?
-See what I do, when I get up? -What's going on there?
This is what I do - I get up of a morn', slip into some nice slinky trews,
pop on a nice muted shirt, strap on a couple of radio mics and I'm away.
Why does it take you so long to get ready of a god damn cotton-picking morn'?
Well this morning - the reason it took so long is cos I was waiting for this,
and it came this morning, I've been waiting for it for six weeks, yeah?
-What is it? -Check it out. It's a new hair drier!
It's a new Jean-Claude Jacquettie hair drier.
Do you know Jean-Claude Jacquettie, the French designer?
Yeah, a few people know him, he's genius! Have you seen the advert? It's amazing!
You must have! It goes like this:
~ Jean-Claude Jacquettie with his jacket on, Jean-Claude Jacquettie with his jacket off. ~
~ Jean-Claude Jacquettie puts his jacket on, Jean-Claude Jacquettie takes his jacket off ~
~ Jacket on, jacket off, jacket on, jacket off. Ooooh stylish, oooh Wokkaman! ~
~ Runnin' round Paris with a tiny haversack, looking to the future with a telescope, ~
~ Drawing on the past with an eagle claw, eagle claw - why? ~
~ Eagle claw, eagle claw, bo-bo-boingboing ~
~ Take the fashion coin, slot it in the pocket of your bum bag, take it to Milan, ~
~ take it to Japan, take it to the man with a fashion plan - Jacquettie! ~
Never heard of him.
Well you will have soon, cos not only does it fold away, but it's the most powerful hair drier in Europe, check it out!
Come on that's worth the ticket price alone!
Oooh... Jacquettie.
That is a powerful hair drier. Watch out!
-Oooh.. -Eeeey..
That's the third time this week I've nearly killed that innocent girl.
Well, ironically she's the killer.
-What, Bunches? -Yees Bunches McGinty.
-Bunches McGinty? -Reknowned killer.
-How does she kill people? -With the Chuppachup lollies.
-Straight in the eye. -Oooh, really? Oooh...
I thought he was the killer, he had a target on his chest and everything!
He was just a mod.
Ooh, I've killed one of my own, there's no way I can go on..
Don't do it Vince. Don't blow dry your own brains out.
Gonna have to put a call in to Wella and smooth it over.
Anyway, look, answer me' this question, yeah?
Why do I have to open up shop every day? Why do I have to do that? Why me?
Cos you're the only one who's trained-in mime.
That is true actually.
-Cuppa tea? -Yeah, alright.
-Sugar? -I'll have two.
Nice.
Careful, that's piping hot.
Oooh, sweep up the shards, sweep up the shards.
-Watch your eyes. -Actually forget it.
-What? -There's a customer, there's a cu..
Assume the position. The other one!
I am doctor Henry Jay Sexually Frustrated Puppet-Fucker.
Yes, that's my name. I believe it's German.
World reknowned archeologist. I love archeology, it makes me feel like a topless puppy.
-Good day, sirs. -Hello.
I'm looking for Naboo.
-Yeah, can you get out of my light? -Very well sir.
You are the light.
Naboo isn't here at the moment, he's out buying rugs in Quebec..
But I'm here so I am fully qualified to look at this sort of archeological stuff so I could have a...
-..look at it.. -No no no no!
Do not open the box! Only Naboo shall open the box. No one knows what's inside.
It could be priceless jewels or unimaginable evil.
-Oh look! Wiglets! -Yeah!
How cool are they? They're made from my old hair, do you like those?
They are amazing.
Do you like those? If you like those, you might be interested in these.
These are some very rare jazz LPs, I picked up on the continent, this one is Freddie Hubbard -
live at the Black hawk now. Freddie was one of the foremost bebop trumpeters of his generation,
in fact it's more postbop really, rather than bebop, but he was incredible, incredible trumpet player.
Um... Take that as a NO.
-Anyway, wiglets! -Yeah, how cool are they, yeah?
Not only do they make you look stylish, but when you put them on they transform you into a popstar!
I've always wanted to be a popstar!
Pop one on!
~ Digging up bones with a plastic spade finding ruins from another age ~
~ I'm Archeology boy.. ...I'm Archeology girl. ~
I'll take three!
-That'd be seven hundred thousand euros, please. -Very well.
Oh, one note, cheeky!
Well, I'm off to be a popstar.
-I thought you were an archeologist. -FUCK ARCHEOLOGY!
-Good day sirs. -Yeah..
-Mate, you forgot yout box. -I said good day, sirs!
~ Digging up bones with a plastic spade... ~
Well, that's some of the strangest acting I've ever seen in my life..
Well he's left his box though, which is a bit of a turn-up so I suggest I make sure Naboo gets this here box. You can take the day off,
if you fancy, get your hair done or whatever is it you need to get done and I make sure Naboo gets this box.
-Okay, cool, excelent! -How about that?
Um.. You heard what he said though? You're not gonna open it, are you?
Oh, no no I would never do that.
On the contrary! As soon as he is gone I shall open the box and all of it's content shall be mine!
I'll better stay here then..
No, I'm not gonna open it - I just said I'm not gonna open it, yeah?
-What? You just said you were! -Yeah in my mind, in my head!
In my internal monologue.
-Yeah? -I could hear it though.
-Yeah, it's technique - it's theatrical technique! -A technique? You had a red light on your face!
If anything, it was drawing attention to what you were saying.
-Alright! -It's rubbish!
Oh look, there's a sale on at Topshop!
There isn't a sale on at Topshop at all.
There is a sale on at Topshop, there's a sale on at Topshop!
Oh.. bit of disappointment..
Heyho.. I'm gonna nip down the basement, do a bit of a stock check..
~ Trapped in a box by a cockney nutjob, have a cuppa tea, have a cuppa tea ~
~ I'm the hitcher, let me put you in the picture creeping in your room in the dead of night ~
~ with me solo polo vision -That's right! ~
~ Im a cockney geezer, watch me bleed ya I knew the Ripper when he was just a nipper ~
~ I taught him how to slice, I cut him up a treat -Pound your banana -Two pound your pear ~
~ -Pound your banana. -Two pound your pear -Pound your banana. -Two pound your pear ~
~ -Fourteen shillings for your melons -Oh yeah! ~
~ We're the Piper twins, Jim and Jackie Piper We cut through the night like a windscreen ~
~ wiping you away like rain drops don't mess with the boys.. ~
~ Shut your noise! ~
~ Coming in stong like a freak show nightmare dancing skeletons, white, blue and yellow ones ~
~ Moving through the shadows with the speed of a cat ~
~ -And if you cross us we'll cut ya. -And you ain't gona like that! ~
~ I'm bad juju, I use voodoo if I choose to I harness the power of evil to abuse you ~
~ With power, a polo, an evil magnet we're sucking up your soul ~
~ And you ain't gonna like that! ~
- Here you are boys, take that, off you go.. -Alright boss.
-..get around Brixton and create havoc. -Alright boss.
I'm a cockney, I'm a cockney, I'm a cockney..
We all are, you nonce!
Allright Brixton, how are you?
You're alright you slags!
Yeah! Ooh it feels good to be out of the box, oooh it feels good.
Two hundred years I've been trapped inside this here box, two hundred years Brixton!
For crimes against humanity!
That's right - I've raped a dolphin!
Well technically speakin' it was a porpoise.
But one blow-hole's the same as the next to me!
Lot of people are goin': Ooh the whale, ooh save the whale, the marine wildlife, they're all intelligent,
don't hurt them. I'll fucking save them! Bring'em over here!
That whale what they found in the Thames? That was me what took him there in a lorry!
Get in the back we're all going out for a picnic!
He was in there going: „Oh where are we going, the Indian Ocean??
Yeah something like that, you heard of Lambeth Bridge, you slag?
Get in there! Get in there with the Zinger burgers! Get in there with the johnnies! I'll reverse drown your arse!
I'm evil Brixton! I'm... I'm a nob!
I spent all last week driving contaminated swans to Fife.
Pullin'em out of back of the van, breakin' their necks, throwing them on the floor,
leaving a sachet of Lemsip and creepin' off into the night.
I'm EVIL! I once kicked a racoon's face right off its body!
What its face was doin' on its body I have no fuckin' idea.
Faces should be covering heads! You're a freak of nature! I told him I was doin' him a favour!
Bang! Kicked it right off! It flew through the air like a pancake and landed on Jesus's face.
I didn't mean it to, but it was a cheeky bonus!
A very cheeky bonus..
Anyway, you'll have to excuse me, I've been in that box two hundred years, I need a sprinkle.
There's no toilets in there, excuse me ladies and getlemen, while I piss like a powerful mule.
Ooooh! Ooooh yeaaah!
Comin' out of me like a yellow cable!
Oh I have had a Berocca!
Oh yeah, oh oh fuck yeah, oh it's good, oh it feels good,
oh oh fuckin feels good, take that you slag! You're too far away, the venue's too big, I'm comin' in, fuck you!
Let's have a slash orgy come on, drink down my fuckin' cockney urine!
Boosh fans, you BBC3 weirdos! Drink it, drink it then!
You sir, open your mouth! Taste the cockney goodness!
It's got Berocca in it, you'll be alright!
Come on! Fuckin' 'ell, how light it is in 'ere? Are you alright? Little self-conscious, bit of piss make you feel good!
How am I gonna get back on stage? I don't like stairs - you give me a bunk-up, come over here. Come on.
You've had a shocker all night, ain't you pal? You remember bunk-ups, when we were kids,
go on, bend down, nice and low get like that. Yeaaaah!
I'm only joking, come on.
Ooh there you go pal, thank you. Thanks a lot, cheers.
Disposable penis - 3.99 Costcutter!
Can I help you?
No thanks, squire I'm just browsing. Who are you?
I'm Naboo, that's who.
Who are you?
They call me the Hitcher!
-Is that your theme tune? -No, it fuckin' ain't.
Oi soundman, what the fuck was that supposed to be?
I asked for track twelve didn't I, „Ominous chords, in brackets, He's pure evil, he kicked a racoon's face off onto Jesus's face?
What the fuck was that supposed to be, the holiday show?
Don't make me come down there boy and put a dolphin suit on you!
What are you doing in my Nabootique?
In your what, pal?
In my Nabootique.
I'll tell you what I'm doing in your Nabootique! I'm doing this!
Aaah shit!
Yeah, yeaah boo it up! Boo it up you nonces! Boo it up!
Every boo goes to making my erection that little bit stronger!
Don't boo after the concept! Fucking weirdo!
Alright then, let's see what Ali-baba's got back here in the way of money!
Ooh enormous face!
700 000 €! What a result! Hahaha take care Aladdin, I'm off to Hoxton to get some pie and mash.
I'm a cockney, I'm a cockney - oh, I can't get off this way, fuck!
Hello everyone! I'm so happy to be here. I'm the Moon, I'm so happy.
In the sixties, a man come in and he put a flag in my belly.
And he driving around in the buggy.. and did jump around. One small step for mankind and one big step for the Moon.
He not been back since. Should I have made him a cuppa tea?
When did he only come once? Has he seen all he needed to?
I've got a bad feeling about this.. Naboo?
This is it Bollo. I'm close to the end.. ..fading away...
Do not fear my friend. Maybe I will see you. In the next life.
I doubt it. I'm going to heaven.
Do animals not go to heaven?
Well yeah, but you killed that boy.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
What are you doing?
-Sorry I thought you were gone. -Just havin' a powernap.
Now! It's comin'..
No, that's not it..
Yep. No. Yep. No. Yep. No. Yep. No. Yep. No.....
~ Naboolio, why did you have to go? ~
~ Naboolio, we really loved you so! ~
~ I heard you sing, you had a velvet voice. The way you danced, I really had no choice. ~
~ Naboolio, why did you leave us so? ~
~ Naboolio, why did you have to go? ~
~ -Boolio, Boolio, why did you have to go, leave me solo? -Give it up now, for Naboolio. ~
~ -Boolio, Boolio, why did you have to go, leave me solo. -Give it up now for Naboolio. ~
~ Sucking on my titties, like you loving me, wanting me, squeezing me, baby, come on - you know you want it. ~
~ Sucking on my titties, like you loving me, hun. Squeezing me, teasing me. Baby, yeah, baby come on, uh! ~
~ Sucking on my titties, like you... ~
What are you doing?!
Sorry, I got a bit carried away...
Peter?
Naboo is dead!
But there is a way, to bring a shaman back to live.
You must retrieve the sacred Ruby of Kukundu.
It is to be found deep in the Arctic tundra...
-Let's go! -..or Spain.
-Arctic tundra or Spain? -Yeah, I can't remember which one it is, sorry.
Yeah, they're quite far apart Bollo, you know? You could be little bit more specific.
No.
Sucking on my titties, like you loving me, wanting me, squeezing me. Baby, yeah, uh - come on!
Well there you have it - that's the end of the first half, things are hotting up.
-Naboo's dead. -Yep, bit of a shocker.
Bollo's gone insane with greif.
So we're left to retrieve the Ruby of Kukundu. Hm.. the second half.
Will we find it? Won't we? Will we? Won't we? Will we? Won't we?
We will. But uh...
But will we?
We will. Will we find it? We will find it.
So - I suggest I'll go to Spain, you know, you'll go to the Arctic and we'll see how we do, yeah?
Yeah? Maybe I'll go to Spain though eh?
No no I'll go to Spain, because I'm Spanish. So.. you should go to the Arctic and I'll..
-As if you're Spanish. -..I'll do the Spanish leg.
-Well, I'm a Spaniard - you know, I'm deeply Spanish. -What?
-Oh yeah yeah yeah. -Get lost!
- I'm well Spanish. -Well Spanish? What are you a chav? I'm well Spanish, mate.
Yeah? I'm El Chaviola.
Sun-dried Chaviola.
Come on, but - come on, you're not Spanish! You're clearly..
-I am! -You're not! You're clearly from Leeds.
Ha ha ha? Nothing.
Great help that..
-Listen.. -Then leave.
Are you possessed?
By a twat?
-Listen - you're not Spanish. -I am.
You're not Spanish - you're clearly from Leeds. I've seen the way you talk to women.
Huh, you dirty cow, get in my wheelbarrow, cm'on!
-Listen... I was..don't talk about that, alright? -It was brilliant though!
Huh, you cheeky vixens, there's room for all of ya' in Barratt's barrow, cm'on!
I was drunk..
I know, so was I - I was in the wheelbarrow.
Alright, well we're gonna have decide who goes where, one way or the other, alright? I suggest we toss a coin.
-Have any coins about your person? -I haven't got any pockets.
You leave that to me.
-Okay, heads or tails? -Aaa.. tails!
-Oh, what a cunt! -Yeah!
It was a mime coin, he could have said anything. What a spazz.
That wasn't very PC (Politically Correct), was it? You all laughed, we're in it together.
See you in hell. So basically that is the end of the first half, go and have a drink, have a wee-wee and..
Aaaa fuck!
Watch out, watch out!
No, get away!
The only problem with be.. with when you are the Moon - like me - is, you have such a chalky white face, it makes your teeth look yellow.
And I went to the dentist and he said: Ooh your teeth are yellow! I said: Noo! Only when you compare them to my chalky white face.
If I had skin - like yours - they would not look yellow!
I had fifteen fillings and he said: That will be ?00 . And I said: I don't pay for nothing! I'm the Moon!
And I rised out of the chair and I went off back up and he couldn't stop me.
Every now and then I recieve letter 'You still owe that money!' I say I might pay it, I might not.
I'm the Moon, I don't pay fucking dental fees!
Don't patronize me.
Howard Moon's journal - day thirty-seven.
Still no sign of the Ruby of Kukundu.
The Arctic is a very lonely place, so lonely here.. ..wind my only friend.
I hate you!
Shut up wind!
The Arctic is a very strange environment - the days are very short here.
Luckily the nights are even shorter.
Ha, where are you from?
Day thirty-eight.
A strange figure approaches from the horizon. Could this be my salvation?
Look deep into the parka!
What?
Look deep into the parka!
Why?
There are many things in here. Things you could never dream of!
Like what?
Omelettes..?
I've dreamt of omelettes.
And I dream of omeletts quite a lot actually. They call me The Omelette-dreamer.
Oh, hm.. okay then.. um.. unicorns? With AIDS?
-Have you dreamt of those? -No.
Hahaa!
Look deep into the parka, my friend.
Delve deep into the parka, for whatever you dream of will become yours.
Aaaah not that you idiot! That's my fucking eye! What are you doin'?!
-Sorry.. -Ooh anything but that!
-Oooh Christ! -I'm really sorry.
Ooh, don't just put it in loose!
Look at me! I'm like.. Swingball.
-Enough! Enough Swingball! -Sorry.
Sorry - there you go, I'll just.. it's in your pocket, look.
Oh that's where that pen went.
Now, look deep into the parka the second time. The good stuff's laid out at the front.
Delve in there.
Other side.
-What's this? -Telegram.
Oh, thanks. Well, don't go! I'm just gonna put the kettle on. Stick around and have a cuppa tea and a chat..
No thanks.
Why? Where are you going?
Opticians.
Well, if my hunch is correct, this telegram should lead me directly to the Ruby of Kukundu.
Dear Howard, thank you for the picture of your cock and balls..
I never sent that!
Howard Moon's journal - day thirty-eight. Must I end my life in this wilderness of ice and snow, oh woe..
~ All the things I'll never be All the things I'll never see ~
~ All there is that's left for me Is here in this eternity ~
~ Of isolation, isolation, isolation, isolation. ~
~ The cavalcade, the jamboree Of life I thought was meant for me ~
~ I never dreamed that it would be Replaced by this eternity ~
~ Of isolation, isolation. ~
~ All the things I'll never be All the things I'll never see ~
~ All there is that's left for me ~
~ Is here in this eternity of isolation, isolation! ~
Reasonably priced in the foyer.
Yes, meanwhile in Spain.
Hey, you guys, it's brilliant! I'm lovin' it here in Spain!
Hey, have any of you heard of The Ruby of Kukundu?
Sorry about that..
You did a bad thing!
You're fuckin' dead after the show!
At least I am protected by the script.
Oh yeah, the irony - the man protected by something he's never been in contact with.
Yeah, it's good, isn't it?
What are you laughing at?
Listen...
It's the first time he has laughed from this whole tour!
Don't laugh! Listen!
I need to speak with you alone. Solid, Gas get out of here, right now!
Bring your shitty quitar with you.
I have some business to do.
-You did a very bad thing! -I did a bad thing?!
Yes!
You nearly broke my nose!
I ate a bowl of yeast before the show, so.. Sorry about that.
It's something I do, I'm on a.. Atkins diet..
Listen - ...
-You mentioned The Ruby of Kukundu. -Yeah, so what?
Many men have mentioned this ruby and many men have been dyed!
Oh really? What colour?
I am slightly retarded. I'm on the fence either way.
What - the retarded fence?
Yeah, you know..
-Aaah what are you doin'? -I know a man..
-I know a... -Get out of my hat-space!
-I know, these are fuckin' big hats! -What's wrong with you?
It's like doing a scene with a chimp!
-It's just a figure of speech, Bollo. -Ah, okay.
Adios.
-I know of a guy over there.. -Aaah..
-Look, talk to me and then we'll face out together. -Okay.
I know of a guy.. ..over there.
Who can tell you, where the Ruby is.
He lives in the Forest of Doom.
The Foyer of Doom?
Yes. Just past the Mountain of Merchandise.
-He can tell you where the Ruby is. -Cool.
Okay, excellent and what's he gonna do? Piss on my face?
Don't be silly - I am not playing that character.
-Okay, bye. -Okay, good luck my friend.
-Yeah, seeya. -Goodbye.
Get off.
-But do not tell anyone. -What?
-Do not tell anyone I told you about this. -Okay.
Or surely I will be killed by murder.
-Okay. -Okay, goodbye. -Okay seeya.
So this wiseman, yeah? He's over by the Forest of Doom?
Aaa you silly bitch!
I forgot:)
And so Vince Noir set off on his terrifying journey towards the Forest of Doom.
Utilizing basic mime technique. He walked.
And then he moonwalked for a bit.
I've got the wrong shoes on, shut up!
Yes, that was pretty bad.
Rubber on rubber - it was never gonna work.
Don't try and body-pop your way out of it.
Onwards he walked mile after mile, mile after terrifying mile towards the Forest of Doom.
Mile after mile... you're going the wrong way. The sign.. yes.
You've got his sign you prick!
Onwards, ever onwards, he encountered a terrifying hurricane.
Oh dear..
The hurricane messed up Vince's neatly arranged coiffure.
-I don't think it did. -Yes, it did.
It didn't! It's weird, but it didn't. Get off me!
He told me to do it.
I am the narrator - he does my bidding.
After dealing with the hurricane/cagoule he carried on and eventually arrived at the fabled Forest of Doom!
Theatre..
Who are you?
I go by many names.
Well what are they then?
I'm getting around to that. I'm just leaving a mystical pause.
Some call me.. Mystery Man. Others know me as the Shadow Dweller.
Some call me Secret Peter.
Where is he hiding? In a shoe, in a bush, in a rock, in a side cupboard, in a lane?
No! He's inside yourself.
Some call me Miraculous Mark - diviner of mysteries. Others call me Heeeeeeeeeeeeey..
..Smith.
Some call me Halaaaooooooo - .
[hits drum] that's my surname.
Others know me as Domino.
The Bounty hunter.
Some call me Chilli Chicken Ramen. Others know me as Clive.
I'm sometimes called Peppercorn.. ..by the Dutch.
You can step in at any point here, you know? Don't have to leave me dangling like a tit in a breeze.
Go on, do one more.
Some call me Cillit Bang.
I go by many names!
But you may call me Rudy.
You are searching for something here in the forest, are you not little girl?
Yeah, how do you know?
-I know all things. -Are you a witch?
Yes, I am.
Take a seat. I shall explain to you a thing or two about the forest.
There's no seats in the forest.
Do not be afraid. I control the very forest itself. Behold!
Khalamaloooooo, khalamalamaloooooo, khalamala-bring-a-chair, khalamalooooooh...
Hm, the forest is a cheeky one tonight.
The forest is a cunt tonight.
Soo... Look, you're on mushrooms.
Hey, where are thou from?
You're looking pretty high yourself.
I'm off my tits on dental cream.
I don't know where I am.
I appear to be in a psychedelic episode of Parkinson.
So you've got a new book coming out, um... No, tell me about it. It's about gardening, yeah?
Never mind that Parky, what's happened to your hair?
I slept funny.
You are searching for something here in the Forest of Doom, are you not? What is it you seek?
Basically I'm looking for the Ruby of Kukundu.
The Ruby of Kukundu?
Yeah, the Ruby of Kukundu.
The Ruby of Kukundu?
No! Okay, it was fun, but now it's over.
Yes I know the whereabouts of the Ruby of Kukundu, yay I know the whereabouts of the Ruby of Kuku.., yes I know.
But I cannot just divulge the informations to whereabouts of the Ruby like this.
I need to know that you're a kind of heart and worthy of the information.
You must prove this to me by passing a test.
Cool, what test?
The cycling proficiency test.
Know ye of this test?
Yeah, I passed that ages ago, when I was at school. It was easy.
Ain't you something!
Ain't you a little piece of something else.
Ain't you a little stinking piece of something.
Well then, if thou art such a cockian, perhaps another test is in order for thou.
-Yeah? -Perhaps thou would be less cocky when faced..
..with the Black Rider!
The most dangerous gun-fighter in the forest, who you must fight - tonight at midnight!
Yeah, Rudy it's one o'clock.
I'm not spending another eleven hours with you and your speech impediment.
See if I can hurry this along a little bit.
Excuse me.
It's my scat-phone.
Hello, Black Riders.
Hello, um.. I've ordered a Black Rider for midnight, I might need something a little bit earlier.
I just wondered if you had anything in the area.
-Where are you mate? -The Forest of Doom.
-Where mate? -Brixton.
Alright, he should be with you in a few moments.
-Okay, thanks, um.. I just wondered.. how much was that going to be? - It's gonna be about twelve, thirteen quid mate.
-Ouch.. Okay thanks a lot, you've been very kind, thank you. -Fuck off.
Prepare thyself! The Black Rider approaches.
You have passed the test! And now it is time for you to recieve the Ruby of Kukundu.
Take the Ruby and do with it what you will, pretty prince-girl.
Yeah, Rudy - this is a Kinderegg.
Kinderegg? What is Kinderegg?
It's kind of a chocolatey treat with a toy inside.
Oh.. I'm sorry I thought it was a Ruby, I can only apologize and wish you luck with your quest.
Shut your mouth.
Or I shall fly at you like a bag of cocks!
And you'll receive him like a satchel of vaginas!
Tag team put downs.
What is a Kinderegg?
It's basically - it's like a chocolatey treat, but you get like a toy inside, yeah?
So they are amazing, sometimes you get to build like a hovercraft, yeah?
A hover - what is a hovercraft?
I haven't got time to explain, other times you get like a porcelain alligator playing golf - that's not quite as good, but they're pretty spot on.
-Hm.. sounds intriguing. -Yeah, you might as well have that, if you've never had one.
-For me? -Yeah! Take it.
Thank you.
No worries, take care Rudy, thanks for your help, bye.
Wait!
You have passed the test.
-What test? -The Kinder-test.
Most men would have eaten the Kinderegg.
-Wolf it down quick as a bee. -Yeah?
But you - knowing I had never tasted its chocolatey fruit - offered it to me.
Because you are kind of heart.
Thus I can tell you the whereabouts of the Ruby of Kukundu.
It is far far away my friend...
Fa.. this way - far away - in the Arctic tundra.
You're in the wrong place sunny Jim lad.
Excellent I.. that's brilliant - I'll go there right now. Thanks Rudy, I don't know what to say, you've been brilliant!
Don't say anything, simply caress my balls.
I'm not doin' that.
You have passed the test!
-What test? -The ball-test.
The ball-test?!
-Yes, most men would have caressed my balls.. -Seeya..
Bye bye.
Sorry. Oh I did a burp.
When the Moon burps, Jupiter looks on disgusted.
I like Jupiter and I like Mars, but Pluto - he don't talk to me.
He pretends I'm not there. Hello Pluto..?
Nothing, just carries on with what he's doing.
I don't know why he don't like me..
Saturn is crazy, he's fuckin' crazy.
He drinks all the time, he comes in he's all pissed.
And he's a good cook, but he's too drunk, he sets fire to his fish fingers.
One time I went out with him and he was funny.
This dog's not doing as much work as this one.
What are you doin'?
This must be Howard's tent. He's left me a little note. Let's have a look.
-I, Howard Moon.. -I haven't opened it yet!
..have decided to head to North in my quest to find the Ruby of Kukundu..
-There's nothing on this. -If you find this note, then heed my advice.
The Artcic is a dangerous place, there are strange creatures here. I have heard their calls in the night.
So be on your guard and what ever you do, never fall asleep.
Aaah fuck!
I thought we were getting on quite well, what about a phone number?
Do some work.
Pretty fuckin' good our sound man!
Better not fall asleep this time.
I'll come on again.
Vince? Vince? Vince!
Oh, Yetti, I knew you'd return. Oh sorry I thought you were someone else.
Hey Howard, howyerdoin'? Are you llright?
-Yeah, I'm good, thanks. -Yeah? Come on, let's get out of here.
-No, I'm not leaving this place. -Hm..?
-I'll never leave this place Vince. -What do you mean?
I'm on a mission, I shall never leave this place until I have found the Ruby of Kukundu.
Never would I leave this sacred place until I have found that Ruby!
-Yeah - is that it?
Yep.
-Shall we go then? -Yeah, alright.
Okay.
And so Vince Noir - he went to Topshop and uh.. Howard he took the Ruby and he gave it to Bollo.
I think that's what was happening I don't know, I weren't watching. I was havin' a wank.
And now it is time - shut up - to bring a shaman back to life.
Not so fast, monkeyman! Hand over that Ruby, boy, looks like it could be worth a few euros to me.
-No. For I need it to bring little Naboo back to life. -Oh really?
-Yeah. -Oh really?
-Yeah! -That's what you're gonna do, is it?
Yeah! Huh...
Nooo...
Nooo - nooooo.... aaaaaa.....
Look Peter! Look at my acting Peter! Look at I can do Peter, look!
Nooo... no.. now!
Fuck!
Peter, did I get the part Peter?
Of course you fuckin' didn't get the part, mate. It's already been and gone at the cinema ain't it?!
-What?! -It's on DVD you berk!
Yeah!
Yeah, right in the face!
No open coffin for Bollo!
Aaaa you've killed my friend and former lover!
If that ain't the geezer who likes to spit in other people's faces!
Ooh, oooh, oooh m'nuts!
Bye everybody, oh uh Bollo, oh Bollo. Bollo, Bollo, Bollo..
What is the matter with you?!
I told you it was a summer fling!
I'm deeaad, I'm deeaad, I'm deeaad...
I wish you were, pal.
Well there you have it Brixton! That's the end of the show, everyone's fuckin' dead!
Naboo - the so-called enigma - dead as a doormat.
Yeah, whatever. Bollo - the fuckin' hammy ape - dead also.
The geezer in the light blue outfit - I don't even know his fuckin' name, the septic tank - he's dead as well!
Alright that's it, everyone's dead - I know what you're thinking Brixton.
I know what you're thinkin' I know how you fuckers think, you're thinking where's the geezer who likes jazz,
where's the geezer with the moustache, he'll save the day.
Yeah? Well will he really?
I saw him backstage farting about with a trumpet sock.
A trumpet sock, you idiot? So I cut his fuckin' head off.
I know what else you're thinking, where's the geezer who looks like a bird, he'll save the day.
The one who dresses like a lady! No he won't! He's here. I found him in Topshop.
I found him in Topshop with six items in a cubical! Six items? You're only allowed four, you slag!
What do you think are the fuckin' sign's for?
So I chopped his head off and I fucked his stump!
That's right ladys and gentlemen, I'm a stump-fucker!
Welcome to the concept of stump-fucking!
The double-stump-fuck.
If there are any little'uns in tonight..
..I just wanna say it's S T U M P ! Stump-fuckin'!
Get it right when you tell your mates in the playground tomorrow!
Stump-fucking - a concept we couldn't quite get past BBC3.
We wanted to call our show The Mighty Stump-fuckers!
And they said: 'If you do that, you'll have to go on a little bit later.'
And we said: 'Is that physically fuckin' possible?'
We'll go on when we always go on! After two pints of fuckin' lager and packet of crisps!
That's the end of the show!
-Now all fuck off!! -Not so fast! -What?
-Yes! -Christ!
Ooh check me out!
I've got you surrounded, sir!
Jesus! It's like Woodstock meets Tour de France!
-Who are you? -I go by many names.
Yeah, I heard all this shit backstage, move it along, would you, pal?
Hush your lips.
Or I shall slice them off.
Place them upon your mother.. ..and kiss her.
Oh yes, squire, what with?
With cold steel!
Well maybe I'll tear your nose off at the root and flick it up the vicars anus!
With cold steel, mind?
I'm fuckin' warning you Flipper!
On guard.
Crikey! Ooh, I tore all the skin under my armpit! Oooh help me boy, help me!
-We'll have to call the whole fight off. -Are you okay?
Ooh I've done something wrong..
-Can I help you? -I'm bleeding inside, help me boy - help me.
You fight well.
For a Jimmy Savile impersonater.
Shut up or I'll fix it for you. And you, and you, and you!
You fight well yourself mate, for a geezer in a purple dress.
This is not a dress.
This is the sacred robe of the psychedelic monks. So I think the joke's on you.
Well it goes nicely with your little bicycle.
Oh really?
Now then, now then!
I think you'll find Jimmy can still move when he needs to.
-You can never win, you know? -Oh yeah, pal, why is that?
Because I taught you everything you know.
You might taught me everything I know, but you didn't teach me everything you know.
-You know.. I know.. oh fuck! -What does that mean?
Ooh take that you slag! Take that you nonce!
-Oooh Jesus! Oooh crikey! - Get off! No! Leave me alone!
-You're too strong for me! -Oh yeah, oh that's bad!
No! You're spoiling the illusion!
Take that!
How do we do it?
The magic of theatre.
-Let's end this, one way or the other, you slag. -Bring it on, Terry Nutkins.
Oooh Crikey oooh ooh look at me, me go faster stripe's come loose.
I'm only an old man, luckily I've still got one trick left up my Lambeth sleeve.
Cock punchin'!
Oooh my fiery biscuit!
When in doubt, ladies and gentlemen, release the middle digit!
The cockney cock-puncher! He punches one way, he punches the other,
he punches diagonal, he's like connect four in cock-punchin' terms.
Yeah, there's no one that can save you now Leo Sayer!
What? No! Christ! No! Oooh fuck! No!
Big leg! Here comes Big leg! He's got a big fuckin' leg! Big leg!
Thank you Big leg!
And now all it is left to do is bring the tiny shaman back to life.
Let the magic commence.
I'm alive!
So with the power of the Ruby brought Naboo back to life.
Restoring his powers.
He flew high into the night sky like a tiny blue Snoop dog.
Look at him move, look at him move, look at his mother-lovin' shaman grooves.
And what of Fossil and Bollo? He restored them back to life!
-Yeah! I'm alive! -The power of Ruby! Knew no bounds.
What about Vince and Howard? Are they dead forever? Of course they weren't!
Thank you Brixton! Good night!
Thank you!
Thank you Brixton, thank you!
Thanks a lot!
-Thank you! -Thank you Brixton!
-Top shelf! -Brixton rocks!
Oooh right in the eye!
-Hey, Vince.. -Brixton!
Oh yeah yeah yeah, cool. Hey, Bobby Bob Bob.
Three three three. Don't tell him, don't tell him, I can only get three...
-Where's Vince going? -Oh yeah, um.. Vince..
-Where's he going? -To organise the after show party.
It's at this really cool club called Stumpy McFuckies. Yeah!
That sounds good, let's go. It sounds like fun fun fun.
-Fun fun fun. -Hey there's one thing uh..
There's only room for three on the guestlist..
One, two, three.
See ya around.
Hey listen, maybe I'll see you like.. never!
Howard Moon alone again..
Not that lonely.
Because you're never quite alone.
Not when old mister Moon's shining doon.
Actually uhm.. sorry Howard, I don't think I can hang out with you.
Why?
Well.. to be honest - you're a ball bag.
I'm the Moon - I don't hang out with ball bags.
-Okay, um... do you want me to..? -Do you wanna sign for this?
-Yeah, do you have a pen? -I don't have a pen, no.
Right, don't worry about that.
-That's very good. I like that. -So, okay well.. I don't know what you're doing later, but um...
You mean I'm.. I'm sort of free later on, my diary's freed up somewhat this evening so..
If you.. I don't think.. We've had some bad dealings in the past, but if you want to sort of go for a meal and to resolve some difficulties..
-I could.. -A meal? With you?
-With Howard Moon? -Oh yeah, why not?
You know, something I once saw a man like you in Burma, I saw him hang, I helped him hang.
I can do the same for you.
-So is that a NO then? -That's a big NO, my friend.
But uh... If you're free about half past ten make sure you wear the red pants, n'est ce pas? Adios!
Thanking you, good night!
Oh well..
A delivery for me, maybe there's someone, who loves me after all.
I'm Old Gregg motherfuckeeer! I'm Old Gregg.
Yeah, yeah I'm Old Gregg.
Hey Brixton! I'm Old Gregg!
Ooh.. I'm drunk on Baileys.
I had a shoe full of Baileys and I'm drunk as a bitch.
I've got a mangina.
Yeah yeah, when I get it out, light comes from in it, makes you feel tingly.
I'm Old Gregg!
-Hey Howard. -Oh shit..
Hey Gregg, how the hell are you?
Good to see you, um.. how did you find me, Gregg?
Ooh oh I saw your poster, I saw your tiny little Patrick Swayze eyes.
You've got those crazy Swayze eyes, and I knew I had to come and find ya,
so I was gon... trying to do a surprise, for the DVD I tried to make,
I came in a, presented myself to ya in a cube.
-I'm Old Gregg! -Yeah..
Yes, we're all aware of your name.
-Uhm.. you've told me about eighty-thousand times look Gregg.. -Do you love me?
Greggory.. Greggory we had a time...
-Well it was more of a rape, but it was a.. it took place.. -We had a time.
-We had a time.. -We had a time.
The time finished, then we went out separate ways.
Now you've gone your way, I've gone my way and that's the way it's gonna be, Gregg.
What do you mean?
-What I mean to say is.. -You love Greggory?
No, no Gregg, that's what I'm saying - it's over between us, over.
-You must love Greggory! -I don't love Greggory.
You must love me exactly as I love you, Howard.
Cos if your eyes don't love my eyes, I'm gonna suck'em out with a powerful hoover.
And tuck'em up my downstairs mix-up.
Yeah...
-Maybe I was being a bit hasty there, Gregg. I.. you know, cos.. -Hasty?
Yeah, you know, sometimes when you do love someone, you pretend not to,
it's kind of way of not being too eager, you know I didn't wanna.. I was playing a game with you, Gregg.
Playing a game?
-Playing game with Old Greggory? -Yeah, that's right.
Playin' motherfuckin' love game?
Yeah, come on!
~ Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me? ~
~ I just wanna know what to do 'cause I need your love a lot. ~
~ Come on! Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me? ~
~ I just wanna know what to do 'cause I need your love a lot. Come on now! ~
~ Moving too fast, this isn't a race, ooh. Baby back off and lower the pace now, ~
~ Slow it down, and give me some space, mmmh. Moving too fast, this isn't a race, ah ah! ~
~ Do you love me? Are you playing your love games with me? ~
~ I just wanna know what to do 'cause I need your love a lot. Come on! ~
~ Moving too fast this isn't a race, mmm. Baby back off and lower the pace now. ~
~ Slow it down, and give me some space. Moving too fast this isn't a race, no no! ~
~ -I'm Old Gregg! -I know I think you said. ~
~ Come on don't make me beg now, 'cause I'm not your regular guy. ~
~ Don't be shy! Do you love me? ~
~ Do you love me? ~
Greggorys! Come down here!
~ Do you love me? ~
Come on Brixton, get on your motherfuckin' feet.. Three, four!
~ Do you love me? ~
-Yeah, yeah. -Brixton!
Thank you!
Brixton, I've got one last surprise for you.
I did a stencil in my knickers. And now I'm gonna unleash my mangina!
-We love you Brixton! -Check it out!
-Good night! -Brixton!
My mangina.
I've finally got my hands into Howard Moon.
Yeah, yeah - Howard got a surprise for me, I don't know what it is.
It might be a shenis, yeah!
Come on you cheeky vixen, get in my wheelbarrow!
Don't mind if I do!
He's gotta mangina and I've got a shenis.
Let's make sweet love!