One, two, one, two. One, two, one, two, one, two.
Good evening, everybody.
Good evening!
- Good evening, everybody. - Good evening!
AGNES". You're all very welcome to this one exclusive performance
of How Now Mrs Brown Cow here at the Hydro.
While you're sitting comfortable, please take note of the fire exits.
In the very unlikely event of a fire, here are the steps you should take.
Big fuckin' steps out them doors.
In the event of a fire, you will hear the following sound.
Please follow the instructions of the nearest gentleman to you
in case we have to ejaculate the building.
Otherwise, just sit back, relax, fasten your seat belts and enjoy the show.
Somebody left the fuckin' door open.
That's nice.
And we always have a good...
Fuckin' party's over.
What do you want, Grandad?
Who put me teeth in the black pyjama top?
Who put the ram in the ram-a-lama ding dong!
I don't know, I don't mind your fuckin' teeth.
- Is that the phone? - No, it's the fire alarm.
- The house is on fire. - Oh, no!
Hello, how do-do-do? Oh, hello, Betty.
Yes, yes.
No, Winnie just fuckin' came on.
Well, just tell him to put her in the car and get her home here as quick as you can.
Okay, Betty, see you when you get here. Bye, bye, bye.
That was Betty.
- Cathy's arrived from America. - Oh.
They've picked her up and she's in the car. They're on their way here.
Thank God she's home.
Listen, what did she think of New York?
Did she like America'? Did she meet anybody famous?
Hold on, Winnie, now...
I can never get through on a fuckin' Wednesday.
How would I know? She's only off the aeroplane,
how would I know who she's met, for Christ's sake!
Sorry!
- That'll be Grandad. - No, no, Grandad's up in bed.
Well, he was jumping out the window when I was coming in.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
- What are you feckin' doing out there? - The fire!
Fire, me arse. There's no fire.
- The house is on fire! - There's no feckin' fire!
What kinda... Just get into bed!
What kind of a gobshite is he?
Does he think for one minute
if the house was on fire I'd fuckin' tell him?
Winnie, is this the fuckin' happy hour or somethin', is it?
For God's sake, what's the sad face for?
It's Jacko's job. They've put him on a three-day week.
Oh, jeez, he won't like that, havin' to work an extra fuckin' day.
It's not funny, Agnes Brown. Jesus, we can barely manage as it is.
I won't be able to afford Jacko's medicine. I'll probably lose the house.
I'll be homeless, livin' on the streets in and outta hostels.
I'll probably become a junky.
What'll I do, Agnes?
Oh, if I was you I'd go home and fuckin' hang meself.
Would ya shut up, for God's sake, you've lived on less
and Jacko's medicine will be fine.
And lose the house! Would you stop it?
Your house is in such shit, the council wouldn't take it back if you asked them to.
I never thoughta that...
Here, I could get a job! I gave up my career when I married Jacko.
Winnie, carpark attendant really isn't a career.
But you're right, you could get a job.
Maybe you could join one of those escort agencies!
Do ya think so, Agnes?
Oh, yes, I'm sure there's loads of rich men out there
want to go out with their ugly fuckin' granny!
I was joking!
But you're right, you could get a job, it'd do ya no harm.
And I'm going to be busy on the stall coming up to Christmas,
so you could come in and help me there for a few days,
there's a few bob in that for you.
- Ah, thanks, Agnes. - Mmm-hmm.
You know, you're right, pet.
The Lord doesn't close a door but he opens another one.
Is right, Winnie. Now you open that one and fuck off. C'mon.
Hold on, that might be opportunity knocking.
- Oh, for Christ's sake. - Howyas!
Buster Brady, what are you doing here at this hour of the morning?
What happened, did your bed go on fire?
Fire! Fire!
No, there's no feckin' fire, I was talking to... You feckin' eejit, ya.
I was talkin' to Buster... Get in, get in!
Get in that window! Do not piss from there!
Howya, Mrs McGoogan?
Don't ask her, she'll only fuckin' tell ya.
I can't stop, Buster. I've got me career to be worrying about.
- Yeah. Here, Winnie, d'you see that? - Yeah?
Yeah, well follow it.
Buster, I'm serious. What are you doing here at this hour of the morning?
- I have to meet Dermot here. - My Dermot'? For what?
I'm goin' for a job in his promotions place.
I have an interview today.
- Oh. - He's goin' ta bring me.
Buster, for fuck's sake.
Turn off your phone in a theatre.
It wasn't a fly, I just enjoyed that.
Buster...
Buster, have...
Do you want a go?
Buster, have you ever had a job before?
Now, I mean a real feckin' job, a real job?
Yeah, I was store security down in McCullough Pigott's for a while.
Store security?
Yeah, ya know, lookin' out for shoplifters tryin' to sneak things out the doors.
I know what store security do, but in McCullough Pigott's?
- Yeah. - They sell fuckin' pianos!
I know, it was a handy job.
If it was such a handy job...
You just broke your mic.
If it was such a handy job, why did ya leave?
I wasn't gonna work for him after...
It's funny, you know, these moments happen and I often wonder,
"Was that my microphone?"
And then I go, "Fuck, no."
Buster, if it was such a handy job, why did ya leave?
I wasn't gonna work for that man after what he said to me.
Oh, son, why, what did he say to you?
You're fired.
Now, don't put that... Don't mention that in your feckin' interview.
- Hello, Maria! - Hiya, Mrs Brown.
Is that a microphone for him?
- A spare one just in case. - Oh, thanks very much.
- All right, Buster? - How are ya, Maria?
I'm sure this is for you, mine's working.
Maria... Maria, are you pregnant?
No.
Tell everybody at Weight Watchers I said hello.
- Where's Dermot? - Oh. Oh, he's on his way.
Oh.
- Hiya, Ma. - Hello, son! You look great!
- What are ya promoting this week? - Chocolate biscuits.
Oh, lovely. What kind?
Kit Kats.
Should you not be dressed like a pussy?
What's that?
- It's nothin'. - All right, Buster?
Hmm, I'm a bit nervous, Dermot.
Don't be, it's nothin'. Just a short interview.
Interviews make me nervous.
Yeah, right, when was the last time you had a feckin' interview?
With the police.
Buster, just think charisma.
Exactly! Charisma.
You know, snowflakes, fairy lights, tinsel.
Charisma! Not Christmas.
You say potato, I say potah-to!
Let's call the whole thing off.
Did ya fill out that application form I gave ya?
Yep.
Lemme see.
I have to fuckin' see this.
Oh, lovely, crayon!
Name, Buster Brady.
Well done, son, you got the first one right, anyway, well done.
- Age, okay. - I suppose.
Previous employment...
Buster, you can't put that down for previous employment.
Dermot, everybody lies a little bit to make themselves look good.
And what if they ring Manchester United and check?
They won't!
They might.
Buster, what's this? Sex. Yes.
But never with animals?
I just thought I'd lighten it up a bit, ya know.
- Well, don't! - He's right, son, don't.
I swear to God, there's no point in telling lies.
Don't look at me, you're the one that gave the duck the chloroform!
- Take this serious, Buster. - Yeah, take it serious.
Somebody fuckin' should.
Now, Buster, if you do get this job you have to take the training course serious.
Sorry...
How much training do you need to be a fuckin' penguin?
Mammy! Stop!
You were supposed to stop me fuckin' ages ago!
Are you leaking?
Jesus, son, here, wipe your face. You look like you're havin' a fuckin' bath!
- Your ma's right though, Dermot. - Sure it can't be that hard.
- It is hard! - It is hard. Even from here.
You have to do communications, mime, learn to be a clown.
Yeah, well, he doesn't need any training for that.
Whoops.
Sorry.
Role-play isn't easy, Buster.
He's right, son, role-play is not easy.
You should have seen me trying to get dressed
in that suit of armour for your father.
I'd be there clanking down the hall,
he'd be there with his box of tools, coming,
"Here, I think I have a tool for this job."
I'd be, "Get away from me with that spanner."
He'd be out with the blowtorch...
And go up the hall like that, me mask hopping up and down,
him there trying to get it in the letter box.
It's rusty now.
You can barely get the letter box open.
Needs a bit of a push.
Role-play isn't easy, Buster.
One day you're a lion, the next you're a penguin.
Call me when he's a turkey and I'll fuckin' stuff him!
What's with all the text messages?
It's a girl I had a date with. She won't leave me alone.
What girl? Who?
Kylie O'Donoghue.
Kylie O'Donoghue'? Ah, Jesus, ya didn't take that slapper out on a date, did ya?
Hang on a second now, Maria, she has her good points.
She'd go to bed with anyone.
That'd be one of them.
Do ya know her, Mrs Brown?
I don't know her, love, but I knew her mother.
Oh, now, a face on her like a bulldog chewin' a wasp.
And just like her daughter, fanny like a walk-in wardrobe...
With slidin' doors,
and hangers and every feckin' thing.
Extra storage, used to use them bags where you can suck it out and...
Well, anyway...
I told her there was nothin doin',
and I made it clear, I'm Cathy Brown's boyfriend.
- What? - You're not Cathy's boyfriend.
- I am. - No, you're not, Buster!
- She went for a drink with ya, that's all. - One drink.
- Jaysus, I know Cathy's lonely sometimes... - And bitter!
- but she's not blind. - Not feckin' blind.
And anyway, you'll have a hard job gettin' rid of that Kylie O'Donoghue.
Yeah, you will.
She'll be on you like a rash.
You're gonna have to get a chemist to give you a cream to get rid of her.
Her... Her nickname is Veruca.
So I hope you have the bazooka!
Right, c'mon, Casanova, let's go.
- See ya later, love. - I'll see ya.
I'll see ya, chicken. Towel yourself down when you get out there.
Casanova?
Was he a clown?
No, ya feckin' eejit, he was a painter.
Here, good luck, Buster.
You don't need luck when you have talent, Maria. Sure, I could be anything.
Oh, yeah? Well, come here then, how would you be a polar bear'?
Now, now, good one.
Argh. It's fuckin' freezin'!
- See yous later. - Good luck!
Polar bear with constipation.
You know, I'm surprised Cathy's not here yet, her flight landed ages ago.
She's on her way, love, they have her in the car.
They should be here any minute.
- Oh, great. - D'you want a cuppa tea, love?
Nah, I shall wait till they get here.
So, any news?
Yes. Father Quinn has asked me to be in the nativity play.
- Really? - Yes.
As what?
The Virgin Mary.
Seriously?
Very good.
'Typecast.
I've been practising.
- Practising? - Yes,
being the Virgin... Well, not the virgin bit
but the Mary bit, I've been practisin' that.
- D'you wanna see? - Well, yeah.
Sidesaddle on her donkey.
Oh.
Whoa, Caesar, whoa! They called her donkey after a salad.
So she pulls up... Whoa, Caesar, fuck's sake...
She pulls up at the inn
and she knocks at the door and the innkeeper comes down
and goes, "Yes, can I help you?" And she says, "Yes, do you have a room?"
And he says, "No, we're booked out."
And she says, "Oh, dear. Whoa.
"'Cause I am so tired.
"I have come all the way across the desert on my ass."
And he says, "On your donkey?"
She says, "No, I fell off, he dragged me on my ass."
D'you see what I mean'? I put in a few laughs
'cause there was no fuckin' laughs in this.
What d'you think?
I think maybe I will have that cup of tea, Mrs Brown.
Okay.
- Howyas! - Hello, son!
Look who's home!
- Ah! - She's here, she's here!
Welcome home.
Ah, Betty!
- Oh. - Hello.
- Hello, chicken. - Oh, I missed you.
Oh, you're home.
How are ya?
Ah, Cathy, it's good to have you home.
- Aw. - I'll get tea.
Oh, Jesus, you missed so much.
You missed the final of Strictly.
- Ah, did I? - Yeah, by a fuckin' mile.
- I'll see yas later. - Thanks, Mark.
- See ya, Mark. - See ya, Mark.
Mark, love!
- Mark, love. - Yeah.
Will you have a cup of tea?
I'd love one, Ma, but I have to get back to work. See yous later.
- See ya, love. - See ya.
See you, son. Look at him not even stopping for a cup of tea.
AW!
That boy works every hour that God will give him.
Just for a lifestyle that somebody else wants.
So, Cathy, was it fab?
Oh, Maria, New York is well. God, I could live there!
It's everything you see in the movies, yellow taxis,
steam comin' out of the manholes.
Whose hole?
Manholes with steam comin' outta them!
Dirty bastards!
So, did ya stay there the whole week?
Nah, five days, I got the train up on Wednesday to Boston to see Trevor.
He's with the mission's hostel for the homeless.
I suppose he has to go wherever the missions send him.
Yeah, well at least he's out of Africa for a while.
Jesus, he always sounded so depressed when he was there.
Hmm.
Hmm. Ya' know I'm really lookin' forward to
seein' him now when he comes home for Christmas.
Uh-oh. Go on, tell her.
Tell me what?
Here we go.
- Now, love... - Ah.
- Thanks, Mrs Brown. - Ah, Mammy, a decent cuppa tea.
Nothing says, "Welcome home" like a cup of tea, does it?
Ah, thank you.
- So, Cathy, did ya get up to Boston? - I did.
- And did you see Trevor? - I did, Mammy.
Did you tell him that his mother loves him?
Aw.
Yes, Mammy, but he knows that already.
I suppose he does.
Mammy, he looks great!
- Does he? - Yeah, he's lost a little bit of weight.
They're fuckin' starvin' him.
No, Mammy! He's really happy.
- Is he? - And you see the homeless people
that he feeds and looks after?
- Yes? - Jesus, Mammy, they all love him.
Of course they do, he's a wonderful boy
and they'll miss him when he comes home for Christmas.
But I think he's... Is he excited about coming home?
Yeah.
So, Cathy, did you go mad shoppin'?
Oh, Jesus, girls, I nearly melted me credit cards!
Excuse me, excuse me!
Lips moving, still fuckin' talking!
Cathy, did you... Did you give Trevor that stuff I asked ya to give 'im?
I did, Mammy. Oh, do you know he was delighted with the thermal underwear.
Well you need thermal underwear in Boston in the winter.
I cut out the nipples and the crotch 'cause it irritates him, you know.
He likes his tackle to hang... Anyway.
So, Cathy, what ya buy?
Oh, loads of stuff!
Here, I'm not gonna go through me cases now, but ya have to smell this.
I got this gorgeous
perfume in Macy's on Fifth Avenue.
Oh, Fifth Avenue. Get you!
Macy's? Is that like ASDA?
Not really.
Cathy, what's all that stuff?
Oh, now me protection kit.
Protection kit?
Yeah, that's pepper spray and that's a Taser. Jesus, I forgot I had them.
What the feck do you want them for?
Mammy, I was a woman on me own in New York,
I wasn't takin' any chances.
So for protection I bought those.
You were a Brown on your own in New York,
it's them that needed the fuckin' protection!
What would you do with them?
Well, ya spray this one in their eyes
- and it blinds them, right. - Jesus!
And then this one...
Electrocutes them!
Nothin' like that in my day, just a good kick in the balls!
Shut up, Grandad, go asleep!
Y'know, I'm really surprised ya got them through security.
Yeah, I am too. I forgot I had them.
Here, what's wrong with Grandad?
His hamster's dead.
Ah, what happened?
I covered him in Shake n' Vac.
And what, you poisoned him?
Oh, Jesus, no. I hoovered him up.
You shoulda seen 'im.
All I needed was a bit of Mexican music.
D'you know, I didn't lose one bit of suction.
Oh, here, Cathy, your perfume is gorgeous.
Ah, thanks, love.
And thanks very much for the cup of tea, Mrs Brown, but I can't stay.
I have to go and pick up John, George and Ringo from playschool.
Oh, the triplets.
Oh, Maria,
can I go with ya? I'm dying to see the triplets!
- Yeah, sure. - Do ya mind, Mammy?
Well, yeah, I do a bit, love. I... I was hoping when they were gone
you might, you know, 15-20 minutes fill me in on how Trevor's doing and all about that.
Sure, I'll be back later, Mammy,
and when it's just the two of us, sure I'll fill you in on everything.
Yeah and she's loads to tell you.
Would you... Jesus!
Cathy, maybe if you just hang on for a minute and give me the headlines.
AW!
I know!
She can visit the triplets anytime. I haven't seen me son for four years.
AW!
It wouldn't have killed her now to give me a bit of feckin' news.
Bitch.
I needn't have bothered making feckin' tea.
What do ya want now, Grandad?
I can't sleep!
Yeah, well, try feckin' harder.
Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top.
When the wind blows.
Hello?
No, I'm sorry, she's not here at the moment.
Well, yeah, she'll be back in a few minutes.
Okay, well, can I say who called?
Mr Campbell.
Yeah, okay, I'll tell her, thanks. Bye.
- Ah, hello. - Ah, hiya, love.
- Howya. - Hey.
- Where's Mammy? - Oh, she's just gone over to Winnie's.
So Betty's just been telling me that Trevor is not comin' home for Christmas now.
No.
So, did ya tell her yet?
No.
Cathy, it's only five weeks to Christmas
and she's really lookin' forward to him 0omin' home.
- Yeah. - God, the longer ya leave it
- the worse it's going to be. - Yeah.
Thanks, Betty.
Did he say why he wasn't comin' home?
Yeah, he said it's the busiest time at the homeless shelter in Boston.
He's only gonna get two days off, which isn't enough.
And anyway, Mark, he can't afford it. He has nothin'.
Jesus, I'm dreadin' tellin' Mammy.
Mmm-hmm.
I know.
Anyway, you shouldn't be the one that has to tell her.
What?
Well, you're the eldest, you should tell her.
I don't mind.
Mark, it's not as easy as it might sound.
Mammy's really built up for this.
Well, Mammy's just going to have to deal with the reality of it.
Trevor's not comm' home, thaws that.
Yes, it's disappointing, but that's the way it is.
Jesus, you're so full of confidence.
Mmm, isn't he?
Hello, Mark.
Hiya, Ma.
Jesus, twice in one day. That's more than any mother could expect.
- Hello, son. - All right?
HOwya?
Here, Mammy, there was a phone call for ya. I told them you'd be back in a few minutes.
It was a Kirby and Campbell Solicitors?
Yeah, right, okay.
So how's Winnie?
Winnie's doing all right, you know.
D'you know when she said she was going to get a job I nearly laughed.
Well, the only thing I've ever seen her
doing on her own was making fuckin' dandruff.
But she's after getting this thing in a magazine.
She's going to be a consumer advocate.
A what?
The magazine's going to send her loads of products, she tries them out,
writes a little report for them, sends it in and they pay her €200 a month for that!
That's all right, isn't it?
D'ya know,
they said she's the perfect consumer. I don't know why, she buys fuck all.
But for the first time, I think Winnie's after falling on her feckin' feet.
- Good for her! - Good for her is right.
Ah, that's great, Mammy.
- I'll get that for you. - I'll get it!
Hello, how do-do-do?
Hello, Mr Campbell. Yes, yes, hold on a second please.
Yeah...
Uh-oh!
What?
Anytime Mammy takes the phone into the cupboard, somethin's wrong.
When she was gettin' the bad news about Daddy, into the cupboard.
When Rory came outta the closet, Mammy into the cupboard.
D'you know anythin' about that?
Not a clue!
Listen, maybe I should phone around,
try and find out what this Kirby and Campbell crowd do,
what they specialise in.
- Yeah, do that. - Yeah.
Yes, Mr Campbell, I understand. I understand, yes, fine. Bye, goodbye.
Mind your own fuckin' business.
Do yous want a cup of tea?
No, thanks,
we just popped in on the way home from shoppin'. I've frozen stuff in the boot.
Well, if you've frozen stuff in the boot, Betty,
get it out of the boot and into the freezer.
Really, there's nothin' worse than puttin'
soggy sprouts in your mouth. Hmm. Am I right, Cathy?
Allegedly.
Mammy.
Yes, love?
Before he goes, Mark has somethin' he wants to tell ya.
Yes, chicken,
what is it, love?
Tell your Mammy, tell Mammy.
- Yeah, well, Mammy... - Tell Mammy. Tell Mammy.
- Yes, love. Yes. - Mammy,
y'know the way...
You know the way you're all excited about Trevor's Christmas visit?
Yes.
- Well, Mammy... - Yes, son.
- Yes, love. - Mammy, I...
I just want you to know that...
Excited?
Excited'? Do you know sometimes, son, I think about Trevor coming home
and I'm here on me own and I want to burst into feckin' tears
- with excitement. - Yeah.
- What about it, love? - Well, Mammy, y'know yourself...
Christmas-time, it's... It's a busy time for everybody.
It is busy but it's not too busy that we can't just
make exceptions and make the time to give Trevor the time he deserves
when he comes home on his visit.
- Yeah, but Mammy... - Yes, love?
Everybody's running around last minute presents, last minute this and that. Y'know?
- This is about my present, isn't it? - Huh?
Yous feckin' eejits!
You're not to be getting me anything big!
We're not, just a token present.
A fuckin' token?
I hope it's a token that's shaped like a flat screen TV.
Mammy, this is about Trevor!
What about him, love?
What is it, chicken?
- Exactly, Ma. - Yes, love.
Well, it's about Trevor coming home.
Yes?
- Well, the thing is... - Yes, love.
- It's just that he's... - Yes, yes, chicken, what?
Well he's... Mammy...
I just want you to know that, that... No matter how busy it gets at Christmas,
I'll be at the airport to pick Trevor up, okay?
- Oh, thank you, love. - See ya later.
- Are you right'? - Good boy, Mark!
I never even thought of that.
Thank you, son.
He's so good.
Wait for me! Ya chicken shit!
Mark is always ahead of the posse.
Thinks of everything. He's wonderful.
- Oh, sure, he's marvellous. - Isn't he, though'?
Here, how's Grandad doin'?
He's a little better.
Here, I've had an idea how we might cheer him up.
Say, we get the hamster and we have a little ceremony.
Put him in a box and then we bring him down to the end of the garden
and bury him at the end of the garden,
beside where we buried your rabbit.
Daddy gave my rabbit to a farmer.
So he'd have space to run around the fields and be happy!
No, he killed 'im.
What?
It was very quick.
Hello, Rory!
That's the wrong chair, love.
You have me upset now.
Hello...
I'm sorry, love, I just...
I...
I never thought I'd see the day when you'd be sittin' there
with your face buried in a muff.
Why are you so upset?
Rory,
what is it, love, what's wrong?
Ah, Rory, come on, tell us.
Is it you and Dino?
What happened? Did he cut your fuckin' tongue out?
Mammy!
Well, Jesus Christ. What's the point in educating a child
when he walks in the door and the only way he can communicate
is to wave his fuckin' muff at you.
- Speak! - Oh.
Speak! Talk, Rory, talk!
Mammy!
What?
Stop hitting him!
I'm not hitting him. I'm encouraging him.
- Get it out, Rory, get it out! - Stop!
Get it out.
Did you just snot on Winnie's muff?
Get it out!
I remember writing this bit and it wasn't this fuckin' long.
Mammy.
Correct!
Can I stay here for a few days?
Me apartment's ruined!
I have to get new carpets and all.
Why, what happened, love?
Me and Dino had a row.
No wonder you're upset,
- I'm sorry, love. Jesus, no wonder. - Aw!
I'm sorry, love.
I walked out and when I came back he was gone
and he'd destroyed the place!
Destroyed it?
Cathy, he even pulled the radiator off the wall!
- Ah, for feck's sake. - What?
Flooded the whole place!
Oh, my God.
I had to get a man in and all.
- Rory, you dirty bastard! - Oh, jeez!
Mammy!
Dino's only gone out the fuckin' door five minutes!
Rory, what is wrong with you! Control your libido!
Stop takin' them Feminex.
No, Mammy, a man to fix the flood.
- A plumber? - Yes.
Well, then fuckin' say plumber.
So, Mammy, can I stay?
Rory, this is your home. Mi casa, tu casa.
That's German!
Of course you can stay, this will always be your home, love. Always.
- Thanks, Mammy. - And Grandad will be delighted
to have the company in the bed, he just be freezin' at night.
Now look,
- you're too upset to be talking. - Yeah.
What you need to do is go up and run a nice bath.
Right.
And just sit back and relax in it, love, and...
Yeah.
Think about your over-acting.
You might give your muff a soak as well while you're up there.
Thanks, Mammy.
Ah, Mammy, poor Rory.
What the hell is Dino thinking of?
Mammy, it doesn't sound like Dino.
Well, Rory's not a liar. He wouldn't say that if Dino didn't do it.
And I don't like it, I don't like that at all. I don't like feckin' bullying, won't have it.
Listen, maybe I'll go up after him, make sure he's all right.
Do, Cathy, and then d'you know what,
put some fairy liquid in the bath, make it nice and soft for him.
Okay-
The cheek of that Scottish bastard.
Do you know, just for a second I forgot where I fuckin' was!
The cheek of that ginger-haired bastard,
taking a hand to my son.
And why wouldn't you, he's a soft touch.
Try me, son, fuckin' try me.
C'mon, bring it on, ya bastard.
I'd hit him with so many lefts he'd be beggin' me for a fuckin' right.
I don't mind people having rows, that happens all the time,
but there's no place in a relationship for violence, I just won't have it.
Hello?
Grandad, I have a big box.
So I heard.
Agnes.
Agnes, love, it's me, me stuff has arrived!
Wow.
Ah, you had your hair done.
It suits ya, Agnes.
Look, me stuff has arrived.
Look.
Bark stop.
Oh, yeah, it's a bark stop collar.
I know what you do, you put that round a dog's neck
and if the dog barks, he gets an electric shock!
Here, Agnes, I don't have a bloody dog.
How am I supposed to test that?
- Grandad. - Yeah, yeah.
We have somethin' for your rheumatism.
- Huh? - You'll like this, oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Well, that works. - Yeah. Right, next?
Winnie, I'm gettin' the...
I'm gettin' the dinner.
- The dinner. - Right.
Can we do this tomorrow?
- Yeah. Yeah. - Do it tomorrow.
- I'll bring it back tomorrow, Agnes. - Tomorrow, tomorrow.
- Cheers, love. - Cheers, Winnie.
Bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye.
See ya, Grandad.
See ya. See ya.
Press the button.
Hello, how do-do-do-do-do-do?
Yes, no, no, there's no O'Brien here, you have the wrong number.
Yeah, that's the right number,
but you've the wrong people.
No there's no... What kind of a fuckin' eejit are you?
Hello, Father Quinn, hello, hello.
Rehearsal? Yes, I can be there.
What... Have you decided what part?
No. Well, while you're thinking about it, listen to this now.
Like a virgin.
Hello?
Bastard.
- Hiya, Mammy. - Hello, Cathy.
I'm just making tea, would you like some tea?
Or would you prefer some coff... Cock, some...
Some...
Some coffee?
- Tea will be fine, Mammy. - Tea, tea, tea! Fine, I'll get the tea.
- Mammy! - Yeah?
Your hair is different.
You should see me fuckin' knickers, never mind me hair.
Jesus Christ.
Here, I'll get it.
If that's Father Quinn for me, tell him to...
- To phone me after the dinner. - Hello?
- Yes, this is Cathy Brown. - Oh, here I'll take it, give it to me.
- I'll take it. - Sorry, can you just hang on
a moment, please.
- I'll take it. - No, Mammy, it's for me.
- Oh, sorry. - I'll take it upstairs.
No.
You stay where you are, I was going upstairs anyway.
I have to go up and...
I have to get rid of the static.
Every time I cross me legs, me fanny sparks.
Hello?
Yeah, sorry about that.
Look, thanks for getting back to me so quickly.
Yeah, I was just looking for some information
on a company called Kirby and Campbell Solicitors.
Yeah, what is it they do?
What do they specialise in?
Really?
Adoptions?
Now.
Dear...
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, ya must have offended the fuckin' props people.
That's the electric pen.
Don't fuck with them, love.
Okay-
Here's what you write, "To whom it may concern.
"Regarding your product..."
I haven't seen you move like that in fuckin' years.
"Regarding your product, Celebrity Eye-drops,
"we would like to make a complaint.
"it is not effective against every eye irritant,
"specifically pepper spray.
"When, uh, when applied the recommended forty-five drops..."
Winnie, it's four to fuckin' five drops!
Scrap the letter, scrap the letter.
Ah, well, Grandad, according to this your eyes are going to sparkle.
In about three months.
- Right, well, that's the last one. - No, I kept the biggest till last, Agnes.
- No, I think we're done. - No.
- Oh! - Jesus, what's that?
It's a crash helmet.
Oh, look at that.
- It's got a pocket for your iPod. - Oh.
That's very good.
Bluetooth? Excuse me.
Well, how am I supposed to test that, Agnes?
Here, you put it on and I'll fuck ya down the stairs.
Ah, go on.
Grandad.
No, it's okay, it's okay, relax.
We have somethin' for you to try now. These are lovely earmuffs.
You'll like these, love.
Wait till you see how snug these are. Now!
Look at that, Bob Marley on a Harley.
- Winnie. - Yeah?
Go into the back garden and get me a piece of fuckin' wood.
Right.
- Howya, Mammy? - Hello, son.
I saw you pulling up, I have your tea ready.
My Jesus, what are you fuckin' wearin'?
Mammy!
Rory, why would you wrap yourself in tin foil
unless it was to keep fresh.
And that'd be a waste of fuckin' foil.
How are things at the apartment?
Oh, don't talk to me, Mammy.
I have to, love, otherwise there's no fuckin' show.
Mammy, not only do I have to get new carpets
and a new radiator, I have to get something called underlay.
Yes, that means you have to get felt.
For under the carpet.
You're such a slut.
But, Mammy, the cost of everything just keeps going up and up and up.
Welcome to the real world.
But, Mammy, how am I going to afford all that?
The insurance company will pay out and if they leave you short any money,
you know yourself, love, don't fuckin' ask me.
- Mammy? - What, love?
Why is Grandad wearing a crash helmet?
It's one of Winnie's products we had to test. It was very good, we did very well,
- and we'd a bit of fun with it. - No.
We had, c'mon, he was miming all the films, he was very good. Do it for him.
- Show him. Show Rory your fuckin' film. - No.
Here, Rory, press that, press play, press play.
Wait till you see this.
Here we go, are you ready?
C'mon, now c'mon, Grandad, do it.
Here we go, one, two, three, four.
'Lee-hen!
What d'ya think'? We do requests!
Adoptions?
These solicitors Kirby and Campbell, they arrange adoptions?
No, Betty, they track down adopted children
for mothers who put them up for adoption years ago.
What does that mean?
That means that one of us could be adopted.
Nah, surely your mother would have told ye, wouldn't she?
No.
Well, has she ever treated any of yous like you were adopted?
Maria, sometimes she treats us all like we're adopted.
Well, which one of yous then?
I don't know.
I suppose whichever one of us is the most different to the rest.
Hiya.
What?
C'mon, Betty.
We better make a move before Mammy gets back,
or she'll know we were talking about her. See yous later.
- See you later. - See you later.
Yeah, c'mon. Us, too.
Would ya c'mon, Dermot Brown,
or whoever ya really are.
Maria, that's not even a little bit fuckin' funny.
Cathy, what's gem' on'?
ROW,.
We think one of us is adopted.
I knew it.
I was born into a real rich family.
And yous bastards kidnapped me.
What?
I don't care who you are,
I'm tellin' ya now, just because it's a sunny day,
doesn't mean you put on your Speedos and run around in my fuckin' garden.
You shouldn't even be here, Father Quinn.
I'm getting a gun.
- Hiya, Ma. - Hello, son.
Hello, Happy Feet.
Oh, you brought Pingu with you.
Will ya have a cuppa tea, love?
No thanks, Ma, we're only on a quick break.
Well, if it's only a quick break why don't ya just slide into the freezer and relax?
I have to bring Buster down to get measured for his penguin suit.
Measured? What's to be measured?
Penguins are all the same fuckin' size.
What have you to measure?
His beak for a start.
His beak?
Very good. Mmm-hmm.
Here, what do the gas company and penguins have in common?
They can both stick their bill up their arse!
Do you know what I'm saying?
Y'know his, y'know...
I'm goin' into the field, Mrs Brown.
You're going into the field? What field?
I don't know, I hope there's no cows in there. I fuckin' hate cows.
Penguin that hates cows. There's a thing.
Buster, the field means out on the street,
with my public.
Now, I'll be doin' your field training,
- but only if ya pass this exam tomorrow. - Oh, yeah.
- I think I will pass it, Dermot. - Well...
- Here, watch this. - Why?
- Have you been practising? - Yeah.
- Okay, are yous ready? - Oh, now. Stand back.
Here we go.
One, two, three... One, two, three, four.
Are you ready? Are you ready?
Well done, son, that's brilliant, that's fantastic!
- Brilliant, Buster, well done. - Very good, well done.
But you're not as good as Dermot was.
You're brilliant at the juggling, aren't you, son?
Watch this. Yous...
No.
- You show... You show him. - I can't.
Of course, with your little wings.
You jammy bastard.
How's your balloon animals comin' along, Buster?
Yeah, how is your balloon animals?
Balloon animals are essential, it's really important.
Balloon animals, especially for the children.
Yeah.
- Well, c'mon, show us. - Yeah, give us a look.
Oh.
Your father used a condom like that.
Oh, my God, it's your father.
No, no, it's your Uncle Jack.
Must be a secret knot.
Now this is the magic I love. I love this, now.
Voila'!
What's that supposed to be?
It's a snake.
A snake that's sunburnt with a fuckin' nipple.
That's brutal, Buster.
That is dreadful. It really is dreadful now.
- It is. Do somethin' else. - Yeah, somethin' more complex.
Now.
Try and get it to the child before they go to fuckin' university.
Voila'!
What's that supposed to be?
It's fuckin' you.
It is you, son.
It is you.
Or else, it's a one-legged man with a huge...
That's not good enough, Buster.
It's not bad, now, but it's not... It's not great.
Call over to me tonight and I'll give you some grinds.
He gives some great... He's great at the balloon animals,
you should see him...
Well, he learned from the best, my Trevor taught him.
Trevor was doing balloon animals years, he used to do it for the children,
and the children would be all going...
if they hear the balloon animals, look at that and go...
And the kids would go, "Ah, fuck."
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Someone has a line now and I don't think it's me.
- Is it me? - Yeah.
It's all about you, you're very selfish sometimes.
It is about me, isn't it? I know, I saw the fuckin' poster.
No, really, that's your line.
What was me line?
Dermot. Penguins cannot fold their fuckin' arms.
- So... - Trevor, huh?
You keep going on about Trevor.
Trevor, yeah. I keep talking about him, don't I?
I'm sorry about that. It's just, you know, I get so excited about him coming home.
When you think about it, it's four years, an awful long time to...
Away from your child.
Sorry. I get... I get emotional.
L get...
Look at me, going on about Trevor, you know...
I forget, love. Okay, he's my son but he's also your brother,
and you haven't seen your brother for four years.
You must be excited about him coming home, too.
Uh... Yeah, I am, Mammy.
Well, you don't fuckin' sound it.
Who doesn't sound what?
Nothing, it doesn't matter.
Ah, what?
I just thought...
I just thought you would all be more excited about Trevor comin' home,
but no, every time I feckin' mention him, when I think of it...
It's just...
Yous all just walk away from me and somebody has something they have to do
and change the subject and it's not fair. You just...
Well...
There's a reason for that, Mammy.
There's no good reason!
No, there is, Mammy.
Well, if there's a good reason, what is it? Tell me.
Dermot, go on, tell her.
Ma. Urn...
Me?
We're containing ourselves.
What?
You see...
You have... You have a line in this. You can't just sit there fuckin' laughing.
You see, Ma, we're all keeping our excitement so we don't run...
We don't run out of it before Trevor is actually here.
- You know? - What?
Like, I'm so excited. Yippee!
Yahoo!
Whoa-hem!
I know what you're talking about now, there's a...
There's a word...
There's a word for that. Uh... What is it? Urn...
Bullshit!
We're just trying to keep it all bottled up, Ma.
So, there you are.
Come on, Buster, let's go.
Right-0.
Buster. Don't forget your friend.
Okay.
Uh...
He's not the first friend you've had that you had to blow up.
BUSTER". Uh, Cathy'?
Yes?
If I pass this test tomorrow, I'll have a job.
Great, so?
So, I'm just lettin' you know that I'll then be a working man.
And available.
And a gobshite!
I know what's wrong with Dermot.
- Dermot? - Yes, I know what's wrong with him.
He's feckin' jealous.
- Jealous? - Yes.
Cathy, I've been going on and on about Trevor,
and Trevor this, and Trevor that, and Trevor the other,
and I think Dermot's feeling left out.
I need to give him a bit more attention.
Oh, yeah, Mammy. That's what Dermot needs now, more attention.
A little more attention, exactly right.
What's that?
It's my photo album.
Oh, lovely. Don't ask me to look at it, love. It bores the fuckin' arse off me.
I was just lookin' through it, Mammy.
- Oh, were you? - And do you know what I noticed?
Lots of photographs?
That was only a guess.
There are no baby photographs of me.
- None? - None at all.
Not even one.
Now why would that be?
I don't know, Cathy, maybe you were an ugly baby.
I don't know, Cathy, they were different feckin' times then,
not like nowadays where everybody has a camera on their phone.
No, in those days, we didn't even own a camera.
If we wanted to get a photograph, we'd have to borrow a camera off somebody,
they were too expensive.
Different times, love, different times.
- Mammy! - What?
You'd had three boys before I came along.
You had your first girl, and you couldn't get hold of a camera?
What kind a fuckin' mother am I?
You were me fourth child in three years, I had a full time job,
an alcoholic husband and a houseful of nappies.
Why wasn't I running around goin', "Where's me fuckin' camera?"
Get that door.
Get it yourself.
You watch your tongue, young lady, you're not too big, you know.
I'll come up them stairs and pull down your trousers and box your fuckin' ears!
Well, you have a cheek showing your ginger, Govan head in this house.
- ls Rory here? - Oh, Rory's here.
Oh!
But I don't think he wants to talk to you, Dino! Ha!
- I just want to apologise. - Apologise?
I don't think an apology would cut it this time, Dino, do you?
Oh!
How could you, Dino, how could you?
How could you hit my Rory? He's a gentle boy.
Oh, you... Oh!
How could you hit him and he's a...
You bully!
I've no time for that. No time for violence!
And then...
And then to perpetrate such vandalism.
- Vandalism? - Vandalism!
Vandalism?
Vandalism!
I can fuckin' do this all night, son.
Vandalism!
I did nothing like that.
Oh, you... You liar!
Liar!
You pulled the radiator off the feckin' wall!
I had to!
Oh, you had to.
He had me handcuffed to it.
Fifty shades of fuckin' brown!
- How are you, Ma? - Hello, Mark, love.
How are you, Grandad?
Jesus, Grandad, you look rough.
What happened to him?
Oh, it's one of Winnie's products we had to try out,
a feckin' razor thing. It's not worth a shit.
Ah, Mammy, that's not a razor.
That's for takin' the hard skin off your feet.
Who's goin' to have lovely feet in the morning?
What are you doin'?
I'm tryin' to finish off the decorating of the tree.
I can't find the middle of the feckin' thing.
And I can't find me Christmas star.
Oh. Well, I'm goin' into town later, I can pick you up a new star.
No, I don't want a new star, love, I want me own Christmas star.
I have that one since yous were all babies.
Ah, whatever, listen, I'm just droppin' off these picture frames.
- Oh, you got them done already? - Yeah.
Well done, son.
What are they for, or am I allowed to ask?
Yes, you are allowed to ask.
- I got the idea from Cathy's photo album. - Huh?
I got portraits of the whole family done
and I'm gonna put them up on the wall just there,
and that's going to be the family wall.
Great idea.
Isn't it? I just thought if Trevor comes home and sees his picture on the wall...
he'll know that even though he wasn't here, he was here.
Yeah.
Do you want me to hang them for you or anything?
No, love, I have me nails up and all but thank you very much.
I'll leave you to yourself, Ma.
Thanks, love, you're very good.
- Ma? - Yes, love?
Can I ask you a question?
Of course you can, you can ask me anything.
Well... Do I look like Daddy?
Oh, Jesus, no!
Oh, God, no, you're not a bit like your feckin' father, no.
I remember your father used to take you out for a walk
and people used to go, "Ah, look at that baby, is he adopted?"
Adopted?
Yeah, people thought you were adopted.
No, you're the image of my father.
- Your father? - Oh, God, yes, son, you're the spit of him.
- Really? - I knew it the day you were born.
I held you up, I even put a fag in your mouth to be sure.
Right, I'll see you later, Ma.
See you later, love, and thanks for that.
See you, Grandad.
Mark. Please, help me, son, help me.
- Love you, too, Grandad. - Oh, God.
Hiya, Mark.
Well, it's not me, I'm not adopted.
I know. It's me.
How do you know?
I just do, I think I've always known.
Mark, I never really felt I fitted into this family.
Whatever, see you later.
I'm home... Mammy.
Okay... Cathy.
Tree is comin' on great, Mammy.
Yeah, isn't it? I can't find me Christmas star, though.
Well, you always put your star away separate to all the other decorations.
I do, though, don't I, though?
Well, I put it somewhere really fuckin' good this year 'cause I can't find it meself.
Here, what's all this?
I got the idea from your photo album.
I got portraits of the family done and I'm gonna put them up on that wall there,
it's going to be the family wall.
- That's a brilliant idea. - I think it is.
I just think when Trevor comes in and sees his picture on the wall,
he'll get a surprise and go,
"Oh, my gosh, even though I wasn't here, they were thinking of me."
Yeah. Do you want a cup of tea, Mammy?
No, love, I'm going to hang the pictures, I have me nails up and all,
but thank you, love.
No. Ah... No.
See you after Christmas, Jesus.
Look at you.
Oh, now. Rory, Rory.
That's feckin' bent.
Now, Dermot.
She could lose a bit of weight.
Mark. Mark, my rock. My rock son.
She ruins that fuckin' photograph.
Aw, Mammy! That looks fantastic.
I think so, love, it just gives the place a whole family look.
I love it. I love it.
- I know where me star is. - What?
Yes. I know where it is.
I put it in me sewing drawer.
The last place you think of looking.
Ah, Mammy, your star.
Oh, thank God.
Jesus, it just wouldn't be Christmas without that star, would it'?
No, it wouldn't. It would be like one of the family missing.
Hold on!
- What, love? - Where am I?
You're at home with your mother. Are you all right?
Are you having one of your spasms?
Where's my picture, Mammy? Where's my photograph?
It's... Oh.
I don't believe it.
- No, no, no, hold on one second... - You forgot about me.
- No, I did not forget about you. - You did, you forgot about me.
I did not forget about you. There's your fuckin' nail.
- Do you know what, Mammy? - What?
Sometimes, I feel like I'm not a part of this family.
And sometimes you act like you're not a part of this family,
with your posh accent.
You will go to the ball.
Cathy, it's a simple misunderstanding and it can be very easily fixed.
The printer left me short a photograph,
I'll go and pick it up and hang it on the wall, feck's sake!
No. Do not apologise, I'm fine.
What?
I'm fine, it doesn't bother me in the least.
No, do not apologise. I'm fine.
Cathy, thanks for going up to Boston.
I know it meant something to Trevor but it meant a lot to me. I appreciate it.
Thank you.
It didn't ruin your holiday, did it?
- No, Mammy, I had a great time. - Good, good.
Just a pity you didn't come with me, though.
- To America? - Yeah.
Jesus, no. No, it's too far, love, too long on the silver sausage.
But I'd really like to do that some time, Mammy.
Do what?
Well, get away for a few days, just the two of us, you and me.
Why?
For some quality time.
We could bond.
- I'll bring the fuckin' glue. - Oh.
Cathy, that's the kind of thing you should be doin' with a boyfriend!
In case you hadn't noticed, Mammy, I don't have a boyfriend.
Well, you'll find that that might improve
once you stop fuckin' electrocuting them.
Ah, come on, Mammy, I mean...
Let's face it, you're not goin' to be here forever.
You watch yourself, I'll put your other fuckin' hip out.
Thank you very much. Were you standing outside going,
"I think I'll go in and cheer up Mammy"?
No, come on, Mammy, you're the one that's always tellin' us
you only go around once.
Yes and I'm only half way round, so don't fuckin' push!
Oh.
Push that bastard there.
You're next.
Ah, come on, Mammy, just think about it.
We could go to a nice beach somewhere.
A beach would be nice.
A bit of sunshine.
Oh, Jesus.
- We could sunbathe... Topless. - Hmm.
I don't fuckin' think so.
You might be all right there with your feckin' little rosebuds.
I can't see me there with me fuckin' hangin' baskets.
No. No, no, no. No.
And the man comin' along sayin', "Mister, move that woman,
"move her tits, the tide's coming in."
Nope. No, include me out of that now.
Ah, come on, Mammy.
Look, it could be my Christmas present to you.
It means a lot to you, love?
Well, yeah, it does.
- Well, let's feckin' do it. - Really?
Yes, you and me away somewhere for a few days in the sun, just the two of us.
Ah, brilliant. Right.
Well, I'll pick up some brochures and we can sit in a couple of nights next week
and go through them.
I can't do it next week.
Why not?
I have rehearsals.
- Rehearsals? For what? - Mmm.
Father Quinn has forced me to be in the nativity play.
- Really? - Mmm.
As what?
The Virgin Mary.
No, really, Mammy, as what?
- The Virgin Mary? - Yeah.
- Well done, you. - Well... Well done him, you know.
Right, well, listen, I'm heading back to the madness of the shops.
Ah, there you go, shopping at the last feckin' minute again.
Why don't you do what I do? Shop early for Christmas, July.
Mammy?
Yessy'?
When I get back, you and me need to have a serious talk on our own.
I hate these serious talks.
They always cost me fuckin' money.
Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride on a...
Please fall, please.
No, no, it's too feckin' high.
I'll never get it up there.
Ah, fuck's sake!
Grandad!
Grandad, I'm stuck up here.
Come up and help me down.
Fuck off!
Fuck's sake.
You'd better be a fuckin' woodpecker.
Hello, Dino.
Back for more?
Hello, Mrs Brown.
Hello, Dino.
Dino, I'm so glad that you and Rory have made it up,
I don't like to see you fightin'.
Do sit down, son.
Thank you.
Turning Japanese. I think I'm turning Japanese.
Dino, you knocked at my fuckin' door, what do you want?
I don't know how to ask this, Mrs Brown,
it's rather delicate.
- Delicate? - Mmm-hmm.
You live with my son, he chains you to the radiator,
yous play sword fights with your willies,
for Christ's sake, what the fuck could be delicate?
Get it out, just get it out!
Get it out, son, get it out.
Mrs Brown.
Well, you're in the right fuckin' house anyway.
Rory is beginning to doubt his pedigree.
He has parentage concerns, who sired him,
does he even belong to this litter?
Dino, either we do this in English or you can feck off.
'Cause I have not got a clue what you just said there now.
Is Rory adopted?
Rory?
Adopted?
Of course, Rory's not adopted.
Oh, thank God!
Oh, he'll be so relieved!
Well, I'm glad you've relieved Rory, but...
Why would Rory think he's adopted?
Well, apparently Cathy and Mark overheard you on the phone to some solicitor
who specialises in tracking down adopted children
and they're convinced it's one of them.
- Overheard me? - Mmm-hmm.
Serves them feckin' right.
- Well, ldidn't... - Hold on, hold on, now there, son.
I just heard the bus. Grandad, the bus is here.
Grandad.
The bus is here. Come on, here you go.
He has to go to bingo every Wednesday.
- Say goodbye, Grandad. - Goodbye, Grandad.
No, no, no, no. Fuck it, just go.
That's it.
Just tell the man you'll give him the money next week, like you do every week.
No, son, I'm glad you got that off your chest.
Thanks.
Anything else?
As I was saying,
I didn't mean to upset you.
You didn't upset me. Do I look upset?
- No, if I was upset I'd be... - Oh!
No, I'm not upset, son.
Quite the opposite, son, on the contrary.
I'm actually delira and excira.
You know, time comes for all of us in our lives
when we need somebody to stand up and speak for us.
I'm glad that Rory has found that someone in you.
You're a good boy, Dino, you're a very good boy.
Now, come on, fuck off and be good somewhere else.
Oh!
You know, I was thinking to myself,
you must have enough on your plate with the news about Trevor.
What news about Trevor?
Well, you know, about not coming home for Christmas.
Oh, shite!
Oh, I'm goin' home to whip myself!
AW!
Hiya, Mammy.
Hello, son.
Are you all right?
No.
Jesus, Mammy, what is it? What's wrong?
Trevor's not coming home for Christmas.
I know.
I knew it. I knew you knew it. I feckin' knew it, you shrew, I knew you knew it.
Look, Mammy,
he just can't afford it, not for such a short time.
Fine, fine.
Ah, Mammy, he really wanted to,
he just can't.
Cathy, be honest with me.
Did he really want to?
Yes, Mammy, he really wanted to.
The next best thing to being at home for Christmas
is to want to be at home for Christmas.
Yeah.
Well, that'll do me. I'll settle for that.
God, Mammy, I wonder would you be this upset
if it was me that wasn't 0omin' home.
Oh, for God's sake, Cathy, of course not.
I'm joking!
Jesus. I treat all my children the same.
Yeah, right.
I beg your pardon?
Do you think I love my boys more than I love you'?
I know so, Mammy.
Do you know so?
Yeah.
Well, let me tell you something that I know.
And you remember this when you have your own children.
Your son is your son till he finds a wife.
Your daughter's your daughter all your life.
Now, go on. Fuck off to America.
Go on, go to America.
It doesn't bother me.
See what happens. I have a 5,000-mile umbilical cord.
You'll never get away from me.
And when you're walking down your Fifth Avenue or whatever,
you'll go into a cappinchino shop for a...
Cappinchino.
And you'll be sittin' there drinking it and without warning, you'll think of Ireland,
and you'll ask yourself,
I wonder what Mammy's doing right now?
Well, the answer is simple.
I'll be thinkin' about you.
AW!
And the lottery numbers.
Thanks, Mammy.
Cathy, you're not adopted.
- I'm not? - No, you feckin' eejit!
- Really? - Really. Christ's sake.
Well, Mammy,
if it's not me, then who is it?
None of yous.
Look, what if you were adopted?
Do you think I'd love you less?
Do you think any adoptive parent loves an adopted child less?
No. You don't have to be a feckin'... Give birth to be a mother, love.
No. None of you are adopted.
I've had every single feckin' one of you.
I've the fuckin' stretch marks to prove it.
Well, what's going on then, with the solicitor?
I didn't want to upset you and Mark,
but the company your father used to work for,
they're trying to stop my widow's pension.
What?
They say they're havin' an economic downturn.
Well, they probably are but your fuckin' father didn't do it.
Do, do, do, do, do it!
The union are fighting them,
and that solicitor's firm is representin' the union. That's all.
The man was lookin' for papers, that's all.
- I'm sorry. - And so you feckin' should be!
Poking your nose into my fiscal business.
Here, what's this?
Hmm.
The nativity play.
So, the Virgin Mary?
Surprisingly not.
The innkeeper's wife?
Nope.
One of the three wise men?
Not if I grow me own fuckin' beard.
Ah, come on, Mammy, don't tell me you don't even have any lines?
Oh, I have lines, all right, I spend the whole play going, "Moo, moo."
They were all callin' me "Mrs Brown's Cow".
Ah...
Ah, come on, Mammy, you have to laugh.
I suppose you feckin' do.
From the Virgin Mary to the dairy.
Well, they needn't try and feckin' milk me. I tell you that now.
Ah, Mammy, I'm glad you can see the funny side of it.
Well, it's much easier when you've no fuckin' choice.
- And Mammy? - What-y?
Thanks for tellin' me I'm not adopted. I was really worried.
Ah, for Christ's sake, Cathy. Worried about what?
Look at yourself, take a look at yourself.
Who the fuck would adopt you?
Hello, son! What are yous doing over here?
We're celebratin'.
Celebratin' what?
Buster, he passed the exam.
- Ah! - No way!
BUSTERI Yeah.
Give me five, give me five, well done, son.
Give me... Give me a flipper. There you go, yeah.
Well done, Buster. That's fantastic!
That's right. And tomorrow, he joins me down at Santa's Grotto
as an official penguin.
Down at Santa's Grotto.
Quack, quack.
Buster, it's wank-wank, wank-wank.
No. No, I don't think it is, son.
That's what you do to yourself.
No, I looked it up on the Google.
Yeah, penguins have 97 different calls.
The most important of which is, uh, the mating call.
When they're mating. That's, uh, when they're mating,
uh, the male goes...
And the female goes, "Yeah, yeah, whatever."
And...
Then there's...
And then there's the call... The danger call.
So, like, when they're all migrating through Iceland,
to the... The vast migration through Iceland,
and they're going through the bread section...
And they come...
They get to the edge of the Amazon,
and they have to cross.
So, um...
One of them jumps in, in case there's... To see if there's alligators.
And if the alligator gets him, they all go,
"Ah, fuck this. Let's go back to Iceland."
And they all head back to Iceland.
So, but when they get to...
That penguin then gives out the death call.
The death call is, um...
Yeah, it's like...
So, that's about it.
I hope that answers your question.
- So... - Cathy, you're still here.
- So, tell us, Buster. - Yeah, tell us.
Really'? You passed everything?
Yeah! And I got an A in clowning.
Ah, that's fantastic, Buster.
Do you know what? I'm delighted for you.
- Thanks, Cathy. - You deserve it.
She's right, son, you do deserve it,
and she's not being her usual sarcastic bitter self.
Look, son, if you do a course and there's an exam at the end of it,
and you pass that, that's an achievement,
and you have every damn right to be feckin' proud of yourself.
Jesus, I never thought I'd say this.
I'm proud of you, Buster.
AW!
Now...
Thanks, Mrs Brown. Here, Mrs Brown?
- Yes, love? - You should see mejugglin' balls now.
No, son, 25 years ago, you should have fuckin' seen me.
Are you still being stalked by Kylie O'Donoghue?
- She's doin' me head in. - For Christ's sake.
I told her, I'm a one-man woman.
I'm a... I'm a one-woman man.
I'm a one-woman...
No, no, no, son, you can't just fuckin' skip over that, love.
We'll try that again.
Are you still being stalked by Kylie O'Donoghue?
She's doin' me head in.
I hate this line.
.33-
I told her, I'm a one-woman man.
There you go, son.
- Good for you, Buster. - Good for you, son.
- And who's the lucky woman? - Yes?
I think we all know the answer to that question.
Oh, Buster. Oh, son.
If it's who I think you're talking about...
Buster, Cathy has no interest in you, love. I'm sorry, none whatsoever.
Buster?
We're havin' a few drinks here tomorrow night for the family for Christmas,
do you fancyjoinin' us?
- Yeah, sure. - Great!
If you even dream about it, son, you better fuckin' wake up and apologise.
Now, let me think.
I think the Christmas I remember most
was the year I got Malibu Barbie from Santy.
Oh, I was so delighted when I saw her under the Christmas tree.
And then I balled me eyes out 'cause there was no clothes for her.
No clothes? That's terrible.
Don't worry, Maria. They turned up, didn't they, Mark?
Yeah, someone kept putting them on me Action Man figure.
It's all right, Rory, we know.
Ah, cheers!
Hey!
You look great, Buster.
Well, that's us finished for the Christmas.
Shh. Quiet, will you?
For God's sake, everybody saying their lines at the same time!
Shh.
The children are only just gone asleep.
Oh, Jesus, look. Madagascar.
Smile and wave, boys, smile and wave.
Thanks for that.
Why not?
Cathy?
Mark, you wouldn't hang that on the wall there, would you'?
- Yeah, sure, yeah. - I got them all done in size of importance.
Now...
Thanks, Mammy.
Betty, Maria, thank you so much for bringing the kids here tonight,
and it makes such a difference to have children staying in the house
during the Christmas period, even for a night.
It just makes the whole thing more magical.
And I appreciate yous all coming tonight, as well,
especially you, Maria, 'cause I know
you had a double Weight Watchers on tonight.
You know, this reminds me of when yous were all babies.
Mammy. We were just talkin' about Christmases past.
Oh, we had some great ones.
- Yeah. - Do you know what I did?
I kept a copy of all your last letters to Santa Claus.
- Aw! - I keep them in a scrapbook
and on Christmas Eve, I read them out.
Would you like me to sit down and read them out to you'?
- Yeah! - Okay.
I have a black belt in origami.
Now, where will I start?
Cathy Brown. Oh, Cathy.
Cathy, you were... You were such an angry child.
"Dear fat-nosed red bastard."
Hmm...
"Please could I have a Bay City Rollers album and a surprise."
- Do you know what, Mammy? - What, love'?
I still have that album.
- Do you? - Yeah.
And the surprise was a bottle of aftershave?
Not just aftershave, love. 4711.
It was expensive and we had to do something,
there was an awful bang of gypsy's kiss off you.
Now, where am I going?
Dermot Brown.
Oh, Dermot.
"Dear Santa...
"Could I have a pen knife?
"Signed, Dermot Brown."
You were so disappointed.
- Did he not get it? - No, they wouldn't let me bring
anything into prison.
Rory Brown. Oh, Rory.
"Dear Satan..."
He's dyslexic.
"Could I have an embroidery set
"and a packet of Feminex?"
it all makes sense now.
You were lactating at your confirmation.
I'd be surprised if they leave that in.
Oh, now, now listen to this. Listen.
This is Trevor.
"Dear Santa.
"Please don't bring me anything,
"give my present to a poor boy who has no toys."
AW!
That's typical.
- That'd be Trevor, all right! - Yes, it would.
He'd just give them away, and you'd fuckin' steal them back.
I'll be back in a minute. I just have to get something out of the car.
- Me Christmas present? - Maybe.
- Go on, Dermot. - Oh, wait, wait, Dermot.
- Buster, give him a hand with it. - No, it's all right.
It's not a fuckin' flat screen I V then.
Mrs Brown?
Yes, Betty?
You never read Mark's letter to Santa.
Mark's letter? Oh, do you know, I never kept Mark's letter to Santa.
I don't know what happened to it. The last... I never kept it.
- No, it's there. - No, it's not, love.
- It is. It's there. - It's not there. Betty, it's not there.
Betty, don't tell me what I know. It's not there.
Betty, don't! Betty, don't!
Betty, no, give me... Betty, don't!
- Give. - It's in the book.
It's in the book!
Oh, Jesus.
How could you do that?
I have that since half seven.
Here it is.
"Dear Santa, please can I have a tool set and..."
And what?
A new daddy.
Aw!
That was three years before his father died.
- But at least you got the tool set. - I did.
Right. What about a toast?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Wait, now, hold on. Before we go toasting everybody and making merry, I just...
I think it's important that we take a little time to remember...
Well, the true meaning of Christmas.
In a couple of days, we celebrate the birth of Santa Claus.
- So, to baby Santa! - To baby Santa.
No, not to baby Santa.
- To you, Mammy. - What?
When things were tough, and God knows at times they were awful,
you always managed to make things magical... For all of us.
- Cheers! - Yeah. Cheers!
- To Mrs Brown. - You're very good.
Right, what about a little Christmas sing-song?
Oh, yes!
I love... I love a feckin' sin -son!
You'll get your turn, don't you worry!
No, no. First... Betty.
Betty, sing us a song. One of those Donegal songs that they sing,
the yodel, one of the yodellers...
The one you sang at your mother's wedding.
Go on, it was lovely, the... The bonfire light in our faces
and the tents all around us,
caravans keeping the wind off.
I'll never forget that night. Ever.
- All right, then. Maria. - Yeah.
Maria, would you? You know'? I know you didn't get your Weight Watchers in,
but you're not too disappointed to sing for us, are you'?
- Go on, I'll try. - Oh, thanks, love.
Something traditional, something Christmas-y. Yeah.
Okay-
Oh, that's lovely, Mark. That's lovely.
Silent night.
Holy night.
All is calm.
All is bright.
Come on! The whole family.
Round yon virgin.
Mother and child.
Holy infant.
So tender and mild.
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Oh!
Maria, they're right, that was just... That was just beautiful.
Thank you so much. it was lovely.
- Mammy? - Yes, son?
Happy Christmas!
Oh, no, Mark. Happy Christmas to you, son.
No, Mammy.
Happy Christmas.
Thank you!
Thank you! Thank you. Please, sit down.
Please!
Both of you.
Let me just do... Before I do this, let me just tell you,
you'll see signs around the arena saying,
"No flash photography. No photography of any kind."
Just ignore those.
If you've got a camera or you've got an iPad or whatever, a phone,
take it out, fuckin' click away.
You're welcome to take as many... Take it out.
Actually, get your phones out
and we'll get all the phones going in a second, we'll do a...
Get them ready, get them ready. Get them ready.
And in the meantime, let me do this first.
Happy birthday. Happy 14th birthday to Luke Kelly, love your mum, Stuart and Blair.
A big happy 85th birthday to our wonderful dad Terry Walters, from Anderston.
And that comes from all his sons and daughter.
Happy...
Happy 13th birthday to Adam Cooke.
Happy birthday to Robert Grant from Greenock.
Happy 45th birthday to Peter Clark from your wife, Mary.
Hi to Gerard McTaggart, who is 12 tomorrow.
And that's all the birthdays. May you all have a great...
Oh, no. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
A very happy birthday to Simon Carty who's 111!
No sorry, hold... Sorry. Who's ill! Who's ill!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, get your phones ready, stand by, I'll give you 3, 2, 1.
Have we got a camera on them? Have we got a camera around?
Wait, wait, wait, wait... In 3, 2, 1, go!
Whoa!
There's no shortage of fuckin' money in Glasgow.
I also want to just apologise to Fiona, my daughter Fiona,
for calling her on the Weight Watchers thing.
She is in fact due her fourth son and our sixth grandson in 12 days' time.
I swear to God, she turns sideways and I can't see it being fucking 12 days.
I reckon he's gonna be out tomorrow.
Anyway, I also want to pay special tribute tonight to Rory,
as this is Rory's last night with us tonight.
Aw!
He fucking knows now.
Uh, it is my birthday at midnight.
Uh, but also it was Fiona's birthday
the day before yesterday.
And we'd just like to say happy birthday to you, Fiona.
We've got a little cake for you.
Mine's only a little one, you're the big one.
Thank you. It's supposed to be your big one, not mine.
Come here, with me.
- I never... - Come on. Come on, blow hard.
Oh, yes, love.
That was desperately uncomfortable.
And of course, Fiona is married to Trevor.
Martin, who plays Trevor in the show,
and is down that end.
We'd like to wish him all the best next week with his vasectomy.
Take your pick, son. Vasectomy or fuckin' amputation!
And that's about it. You've been taking part tonight in a live video record.
And we wanted to put this down on DVD for distribution around the world.
And they said, "Well, where will we do it?"
And I thought, "Where would we possibly fuckin' do it?"
I'll end by saying to you as we always say the first show we do anytime in Glasgow.
Thanks for the welcome. It's good to be home.
That's it!
What you saw tonight, I wrote.
And we all performed especially for you.
Good night and God bless you.
Whoo!
Thank you!
Come back! Come back! Come back!
Good night!
SubRip: DISTEL @ www.subs.ro