1 00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:08,065 -The last president to have a beard? -Nixon. 2 00:00:08,241 --> 00:00:11,074 -No, I mean a real thick beard. -His was thick. 3 00:00:11,244 --> 00:00:14,509 No, I mean like a full, long beard, like Smith Brothers Cough Drops. 4 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:15,670 Falkmore. 5 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,682 -Who? -Artemis N. Falkmore. 6 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:20,479 -You made that up, right? -Yeah. 7 00:00:20,653 --> 00:00:22,587 -But it sounds like a president name? -Yeah. 8 00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:24,417 Why do presidents all have bad names? 9 00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:26,024 Woodrow, Grover, Millard. 10 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:28,285 The presidency attracts the badly named. 11 00:00:28,461 --> 00:00:30,520 Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. 12 00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:32,392 It's classic male overcompensation. 13 00:00:32,565 --> 00:00:35,363 Are you wearing lifts in those shoes? 14 00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:37,996 Cab. 15 00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:45,703 So they have this clock now, where you punch in your age... 16 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,710 ...and all your risk factors... 17 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,044 ...and it actually counts down how much time you have left to live. 18 00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,151 What's the great moment? On your deathbed. 19 00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:56,948 They're pounding on your chest, and you're going: "Ten, nine, eight-- 20 00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:59,057 I told you this thing was good." 21 00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:02,960 -I can't believe this is our first date. -I know. Dessert? 22 00:01:03,129 --> 00:01:05,461 I suppose I have to get a piece of cake. 23 00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:08,726 -Why? -Today is my birthday. 24 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,767 What? Today? 25 00:01:10,937 --> 00:01:12,097 -Really? -Yep. 26 00:01:23,883 --> 00:01:27,410 So she went out with you on a first date and it was her birthday? 27 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:29,919 Yeah, and she picked the day. 28 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,614 Is she socially... 29 00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:33,190 ...awkward? 30 00:01:33,359 --> 00:01:34,587 No, she's great. 31 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,821 -She's attractive and fun. -Well, maybe she decided... 32 00:01:37,997 --> 00:01:40,693 ...to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend. 33 00:01:40,867 --> 00:01:43,301 She's not Lincoln. 34 00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:45,402 Hey. 35 00:01:46,005 --> 00:01:47,632 Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza? 36 00:01:47,807 --> 00:01:49,775 -I'll pass. -Oh, really? 37 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:52,912 Hey, George. Pizza. 38 00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:55,240 I can't. I gotta go down to the foundation. 39 00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:59,374 I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross Scholarship. 40 00:01:59,986 --> 00:02:02,216 Does it ever bother you that this organization... 41 00:02:02,388 --> 00:02:03,946 -Nope. -...is beating the bushes... 42 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,184 -No. -...to basically give this money away... 43 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,055 -No. -...to virtually anyone... 44 00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:11,026 ...as long as they're not you? 45 00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:12,562 I'm fine with it. 46 00:02:12,732 --> 00:02:14,632 Fine, I say. 47 00:02:17,770 --> 00:02:21,467 And then I received a 740 on the English Achievement Test. 48 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,700 Quick, what's your favorite animal? 49 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:27,746 I don't know. Frog? 50 00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:29,876 Frog? 51 00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:33,350 -Well, l-- -Frog is wrong. 52 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:37,249 I see here that you play the harp. 53 00:02:37,957 --> 00:02:40,687 Tell me, why do they have to tilt it? 54 00:02:42,195 --> 00:02:44,129 Can't they just build it on an angle? 55 00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:45,924 Save you a lot of trouble. 56 00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:49,227 Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years... 57 00:02:49,402 --> 00:02:52,633 -...back to-- -Yeah, yeah, we'll let you know. 58 00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:58,003 I see your GPA is 4.0. 59 00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,839 You like that, don't you? 60 00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:06,680 So, Steven, I see you're president of the chess club. 61 00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:09,114 State champs. 62 00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:11,519 Who's your favorite chess player? 63 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,758 Nastercoff? 64 00:03:19,966 --> 00:03:21,456 Right. 65 00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:23,363 Nastercoff. 66 00:03:26,272 --> 00:03:27,899 What country is he from again? 67 00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:31,076 I don't know. 68 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,908 I made it up. 69 00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,904 I'm never gonna get this thing. 70 00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:38,850 What are you telling me for? 71 00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:41,248 You really had me going there. 72 00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:43,719 Come on, sit down. 73 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,955 What do you want to do when you grow up? 74 00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:52,395 Well, I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect. 75 00:03:57,804 --> 00:04:01,399 So get this, Mr. Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing. 76 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,804 He's got this book deal for his autobiography. 77 00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,604 He's gonna let me ghostwrite it. 78 00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:07,473 Wow, that's great. When it comes out... 79 00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:10,138 ...I'll have to get someone to ghost-read it. 80 00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:11,544 -Hey. Oh, hi. -Hey. 81 00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:13,583 -Hey. -So there I am at Lorenzo's... 82 00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:17,280 ...Ioading up my slice at the fixings bar. 83 00:04:17,457 --> 00:04:20,255 Garlic and whatnot. 84 00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:22,985 When I see this guy over at the pizza boxes... 85 00:04:23,162 --> 00:04:25,528 ...giving me the stink eye. 86 00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:30,730 So I give him the crook eye back, you know? 87 00:04:32,872 --> 00:04:34,703 And I notice that he's not alone. 88 00:04:34,874 --> 00:04:37,934 I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys. 89 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,408 -Van Buren Boys? -Yeah. 90 00:04:39,579 --> 00:04:42,446 There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren? 91 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:45,413 Oh, yeah, and they're just as mean as he was. 92 00:04:45,585 --> 00:04:47,780 So I make a move to the door, you know? 93 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:49,182 They block it. 94 00:04:49,355 --> 00:04:52,586 So I lunge for the bathroom. I grab the knob. 95 00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:54,420 Occupied. 96 00:04:56,429 --> 00:05:00,365 Then they back me up against the cartoon map of ltaly... 97 00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:03,559 ...and all of a sudden they just stop. 98 00:05:03,736 --> 00:05:05,169 What? What happened? 99 00:05:05,338 --> 00:05:08,830 Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker, like this: 100 00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:10,532 I'm only showing eight fingers. 101 00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:14,111 -Well, what does that mean? -That's their secret sign. 102 00:05:15,682 --> 00:05:19,243 See, Van Buren, he was the eighth president. 103 00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:21,387 They thought I was a former Van B Boy. 104 00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:26,821 -How was the pizza? -lt was a little oily. 105 00:05:28,761 --> 00:05:31,559 Jerry, can you hold on a sec? I just wanna check my messages. 106 00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:35,495 Oh, Melissa, Kim. 107 00:05:36,102 --> 00:05:38,570 -Ellen. -Hey. I want you to meet Jerry. 108 00:05:38,971 --> 00:05:41,997 Oh, we've heard a lot about you. 109 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:45,738 It is so sweet of you to take her out. 110 00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:48,107 Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this. 111 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:49,873 Is she coming off a bad breakup? 112 00:05:50,049 --> 00:05:51,277 No. 113 00:05:51,451 --> 00:05:52,975 See you. 114 00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:59,285 -Get your messages? -Yeah. No one called. 115 00:06:02,228 --> 00:06:04,924 They acted like it was some act of charity, going out with her. 116 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,032 So she's the loser of the group. 117 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,465 Every group has someone that they all make fun of. 118 00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:12,900 Like us with Elaine. 119 00:06:17,944 --> 00:06:20,435 There's no way Ellen is the loser of that group. 120 00:06:20,613 --> 00:06:23,446 Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath? 121 00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:26,710 No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can. 122 00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:30,320 -Well, stick with it. -Yeah. 123 00:06:30,490 --> 00:06:32,822 -I found someone for the scholarship. -Yeah? 124 00:06:32,992 --> 00:06:36,291 I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers... 125 00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:39,989 ...and finally this kid walks in, Steven Koren, a regular guy. 126 00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:42,225 Likes sports, watches TV. 127 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:45,838 -ls he smart? -He knows how to read. 128 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:51,240 And he also knows that finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. 129 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,742 But get this: 130 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,402 He's into architecture. 131 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,140 Hey, just like you pretend to be. 132 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,576 Yes, with a little guidance... 133 00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:05,121 ...Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. 134 00:07:06,826 --> 00:07:08,293 That's my dream, Jerry. 135 00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:12,921 I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me. 136 00:07:19,672 --> 00:07:22,835 Mr. Peterman, thanks for having me over. I-- 137 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,638 Your place isn't quite what I imagined. 138 00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:29,111 Oh, it's just a place to flop. 139 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:33,946 Well, what part of your life do you want to start with? 140 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,782 Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances? 141 00:07:36,956 --> 00:07:40,016 Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalog, ad nauseam. 142 00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:43,458 No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day life. 143 00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:47,597 Oh, damn, they changed the cable stations again... 144 00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:50,361 ...just when I finally memorized them. 145 00:07:51,337 --> 00:07:53,669 -Well, Mr. Peterman, do you want to--? -Two: CBS. 146 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,308 -Get started? -Three.... 147 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:58,842 I don't know what that is. 148 00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:02,180 Where's my damn preview channel? 149 00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:06,610 Well, I gotta tell you, Mr. Peterman... 150 00:08:06,786 --> 00:08:09,516 ...I don't know if I see a whole book here. 151 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:12,647 Well, I'm sure we'll come up with something. 152 00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,555 What do you say you and l order ourselves a pie? 153 00:08:15,728 --> 00:08:17,195 Do you like Lorenzo's? 154 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:22,730 A friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys. 155 00:08:22,902 --> 00:08:24,164 -You don't say? -Yeah. 156 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,861 The only thing that saved him is... 157 00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:28,268 ...he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign. 158 00:08:28,708 --> 00:08:30,369 -Well, that's pretty exciting. -Yeah. 159 00:08:30,543 --> 00:08:32,602 Let's put that in the book. 160 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,671 But that didn't happen to you. 161 00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:40,842 Well, so we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman. 162 00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:44,549 No, I really don't think you can do that. 163 00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:49,627 Oh, damn, I forgot to buy plant food again. 164 00:08:50,096 --> 00:08:53,156 I'll bet I got a coupon for it. 165 00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:57,392 You know what? Maybe I better talk to my friend. 166 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:05,136 Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday? 167 00:09:05,311 --> 00:09:07,711 No, this is brand-new. Do you like it? 168 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,438 Actually, yeah. 169 00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:15,921 Wait a second. Is that the fork that fell on the floor? 170 00:09:16,088 --> 00:09:19,546 Are you using the fork that fell on the floor? 171 00:09:19,725 --> 00:09:22,250 No, Jerry, the waitress gave me another one. 172 00:09:22,428 --> 00:09:24,794 I guess that's all right. 173 00:09:24,964 --> 00:09:29,867 -ls something wrong, Jerry? -No, absolutely nothing. 174 00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:32,131 You're fantastic. 175 00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:34,569 -Hey, guys. -Hey. 176 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,674 Kramer, George, this is Ellen. 177 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,612 Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to introduce you... 178 00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:48,777 ...to the first Susan Ross Scholar. 179 00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:50,115 This... 180 00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:51,916 ...is Steven Koren. 181 00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:56,756 His GPA is a solid 2.0. 182 00:09:57,897 --> 00:10:00,559 Right in that meaty part of the curve. 183 00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:03,429 Not showing off, not falling behind. 184 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,867 George, the qualifications for this scholarship... 185 00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:08,472 ...were supposed to be largely academic. 186 00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:10,699 I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws... 187 00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:13,037 ...and biases of standardized tests. 188 00:10:13,212 --> 00:10:16,306 These aren't standardized tests. These are his grades. 189 00:10:16,482 --> 00:10:20,179 Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. 190 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,548 He wants to be... 191 00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:24,716 ...an architect. 192 00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:26,118 Is that right? 193 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:29,284 Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher. 194 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:33,125 Steven, nothing is higher than architect. 195 00:10:33,766 --> 00:10:36,166 I think I'd really like to be a city planner. 196 00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:39,498 Why limit myself to one building when I can design a whole city? 197 00:10:39,672 --> 00:10:41,640 -Well, that's a good point. -No, it's not. 198 00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,934 Isn't an architect just an art school dropout... 199 00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:46,135 ...with a tilting desk and a big ruler? 200 00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:48,576 It's called a T-square. 201 00:10:49,015 --> 00:10:52,348 You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect... 202 00:10:52,518 --> 00:10:54,543 ...after he flunked out of dental school. 203 00:10:56,422 --> 00:10:57,855 Congratulations, young man. 204 00:10:58,057 --> 00:11:00,218 Susan would be very proud of what you're doing. 205 00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:01,826 Thank you. 206 00:11:03,562 --> 00:11:06,725 And they made it their sign because Van Buren, our eighth president... 207 00:11:06,899 --> 00:11:08,833 ...was the man they most admired. 208 00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:14,428 Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn. 209 00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:19,609 You know, if you liked that one, I got more. 210 00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:21,607 What are you looking for? 211 00:11:21,781 --> 00:11:24,545 Romance? Comedy? Adventure? 212 00:11:24,717 --> 00:11:26,582 Erotica? 213 00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:28,514 No, Kramer, I don't think-- 214 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,657 How much would you take for the whole lot? 215 00:11:33,325 --> 00:11:35,885 -My whole life? -Name your price, man. 216 00:11:36,929 --> 00:11:38,191 $1 500. 217 00:11:39,231 --> 00:11:41,722 -I'll give you half that. -Done. 218 00:11:41,901 --> 00:11:44,461 Kramer, my friend, you consider Elaine at your disposal. 219 00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:46,766 Okay. 220 00:11:46,939 --> 00:11:48,236 Well, l.... 221 00:11:48,407 --> 00:11:50,967 I like to work in the evenings. 222 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:02,210 Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Sacamano story? 223 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:05,482 Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there... 224 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:09,719 ...that I need to return this pair of pants. So I'm off to the store. 225 00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:11,487 What happened to Bob Sacamano? 226 00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,256 Well, nothing. His part of the story is done. 227 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,670 I'm waiting for the subway. It's not coming. 228 00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:20,635 I decided to hoof it through the tunnel. 229 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,239 Well, now, that's something. 230 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,501 I don't know if I lost track of time or what. 231 00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:27,111 -The next thing I knew-- -A train is bearing down on you? 232 00:12:27,279 --> 00:12:29,611 No, I slipped and fell in mud... 233 00:12:29,782 --> 00:12:34,014 ...ruining the very pants I was about to return. 234 00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,686 I don't understand. 235 00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:41,088 You were wearing the pants you were returning? 236 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,786 Well, I guess I was. 237 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:47,263 What were you gonna wear on the way back? 238 00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,430 Elaine, are you listening? 239 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,968 I didn't even get there. 240 00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:57,374 -All right. Next story. -I think I've got enough for one day. 241 00:12:57,543 --> 00:12:59,340 -Yeah, chew on that. -I'll chew on that. 242 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:02,572 Hey, listen. By the way, I'm hosting a little get-together tonight... 243 00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:04,978 ...in honor of my little financial upturn. 244 00:13:05,151 --> 00:13:07,142 Oh, thanks, I've got plans. 245 00:13:07,319 --> 00:13:09,685 Yeah, Elaine, you should be there to document it. 246 00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:13,791 Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends? 247 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:16,484 -You want me to take notes? -Yeah, but get there after 9. 248 00:13:16,662 --> 00:13:19,688 You know, give the people a chance to loosen up. 249 00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:30,571 So you're denying him the scholarship because he wants to be a planner? 250 00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:32,141 I was betrayed. 251 00:13:33,445 --> 00:13:35,640 That kid was like a son to me. 252 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,283 If there's one person you should be able to hold down... 253 00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,213 ...it's your own flesh and blood. 254 00:13:40,386 --> 00:13:43,583 Like my father and my father's father before him. 255 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:46,989 You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field. 256 00:13:49,094 --> 00:13:51,494 Hello. Oh, hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called the hotel. 257 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,360 -We're set for the weekend. -Spending the weekend with Ellen? 258 00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,497 Vermont. 259 00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:59,533 You know, we can stay an extra couple of days if we want. 260 00:13:59,705 --> 00:14:02,435 Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast. 261 00:14:02,608 --> 00:14:03,939 I can't wait. 262 00:14:04,210 --> 00:14:05,871 Bye-bye. 263 00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:12,114 What? 264 00:14:12,918 --> 00:14:14,647 What is this? 265 00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:20,250 -You wanna start? -No, no, no. You go ahead. 266 00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:22,553 I gotta get my thoughts together. 267 00:14:23,996 --> 00:14:28,456 Jerry, this whole Ellen situation has gone far enough. 268 00:14:28,734 --> 00:14:30,895 -What? -Jerry, she's a loser. 269 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,969 Where is this coming from? She's great. 270 00:14:35,140 --> 00:14:37,233 Why are you doing this, Jerry? 271 00:14:37,409 --> 00:14:40,537 Is it your career? Things are gonna pick up. 272 00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:43,210 There's nothing wrong with my career. 273 00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:46,249 I like the Bloomingdale's executive training program for him. 274 00:14:46,418 --> 00:14:47,976 We weren't gonna discuss that now. 275 00:14:48,153 --> 00:14:51,054 -It's something he should consider. -Of course he should. 276 00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:54,283 -But now is not the time. -Listen, these issues are interrelated. 277 00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:57,122 All right. Excuse me. 278 00:14:57,296 --> 00:14:58,888 I'm not buying any of this. 279 00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:02,158 So, what are you saying? That we're wrong? Everybody's wrong but you. 280 00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:05,026 This is like that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up... 281 00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:07,672 ...and he's the same, and everybody else is different. 282 00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:10,841 -Which one? -They were all like that. 283 00:15:16,448 --> 00:15:18,848 Why did you take away my scholarship, Mr. Costanza? 284 00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:20,609 Well, Steven, l.... 285 00:15:25,190 --> 00:15:26,680 These are my new friends... 286 00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:28,224 ...the Van Buren Boys. 287 00:15:28,394 --> 00:15:31,693 He became so disillusioned, he had to join us. 288 00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:34,895 -Nice. -I want my scholarship back... 289 00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:36,694 ...so I can be a city planner. 290 00:15:37,202 --> 00:15:38,829 What about architect, Steven? 291 00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:43,031 City planner. 292 00:15:48,213 --> 00:15:50,181 -Great party, K-Man. -You got that straight. 293 00:15:50,349 --> 00:15:55,150 Elaine, try the beef, because that's real au jus sauce. Real au jus sauce. 294 00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:57,755 -I'll make a note of it. -Hey, Kramer. 295 00:15:57,923 --> 00:16:00,221 -Yeah. -Ramirez has never heard your story. 296 00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:01,654 Oh, okay. 297 00:16:01,827 --> 00:16:03,658 Well, I had Bob Sacamano on the phone... 298 00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:06,525 -...and I suddenly realized that l-- -Hey, Kramer, Kramer. 299 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,496 You can't tell that story now. 300 00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:09,964 It belongs to Peterman. 301 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:12,604 -What do you mean? -You signed the release. 302 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,569 -Yeah. -He sat in mud, not you. 303 00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:20,077 -But I did sit in mud. -You didn't. 304 00:16:20,245 --> 00:16:21,803 You never sat in mud. 305 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,710 I was all dirty. 306 00:16:24,883 --> 00:16:27,750 -lt never happened, you understand? -Come on. 307 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,917 -Hey, all right. Yeah. -Finish the story? 308 00:16:30,089 --> 00:16:33,286 Oh, yeah, well, l-- Yeah, the pants-- They-- 309 00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:38,226 They-- They fit well and so I decided I wasn't gonna return them. 310 00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:44,325 -Getting late. We better get going. -Okay. 311 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:46,061 You're gonna go now? 312 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,701 Hey, whoa. Come-- 313 00:16:49,074 --> 00:16:50,405 I don't-- 314 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:54,677 Kramer, Kramer, I got big trouble with the Van Buren Boys. 315 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,906 -They're tough cookies. -I heard that you... 316 00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:58,947 ...got on their good side. What did you do? 317 00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,415 Oh, nothing, nothing. 318 00:17:02,588 --> 00:17:06,786 No, I certainly don't have any stories if that's what you're implying. 319 00:17:07,092 --> 00:17:08,787 You know what those guys are gonna do? 320 00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:11,185 Yeah, well, you didn't hear it from me... 321 00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:15,697 ...but the Van Buren Boys, they never hassle their own kind. 322 00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,401 You mean, like a former member? 323 00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:26,974 These Kramer stories are unusable. 324 00:17:27,279 --> 00:17:30,271 I mean, some of them aren't even stories. 325 00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:33,983 Look, this is the list of things in his apartment. 326 00:17:35,687 --> 00:17:38,053 Is my toaster oven on there? 327 00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:42,417 How am I ever gonna turn this into a book? 328 00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:45,085 Well, just shape them, change them. You're a writer. 329 00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:48,358 Yes... 330 00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:50,331 ...I'm a writer. 331 00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:52,159 Make them interesting. 332 00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:54,162 Interesting. 333 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:55,907 Of course. 334 00:17:56,108 --> 00:17:59,407 People love interesting writing. 335 00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,578 Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm picking up my parents. 336 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,149 What? Weren't they just here? 337 00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:08,684 Yeah, I'm flying them in to meet Ellen. 338 00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:10,287 I don't know where to turn. 339 00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:13,516 -I gotta see what they think of her. -Maybe we can have dinner later. 340 00:18:13,692 --> 00:18:17,253 I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get them to fly right back tonight. 341 00:18:17,629 --> 00:18:20,359 Oh, hey. Hey, have I told you about my bunions? 342 00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:21,999 You're going to love this story. 343 00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:24,861 So I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me... 344 00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:28,097 ...but as I'm stacking them up they keep falling into my footbath. 345 00:18:28,307 --> 00:18:30,002 Kramer, this is awful. 346 00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:31,665 We don't wanna hear about this. 347 00:18:32,244 --> 00:18:34,678 -Damn. -What? 348 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:37,211 Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman. 349 00:18:37,382 --> 00:18:39,247 But they all stink. 350 00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:41,985 -How much did you pay for them? -Eight bucks. 351 00:18:42,154 --> 00:18:43,917 I think I'm getting ripped off. 352 00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,152 Newman! 353 00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:52,894 Well, what didn't you like about the first chapter? 354 00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:54,965 Well, it started out nicely. 355 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,796 I'm returning some pants... 356 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,803 ...a very identifiable problem. 357 00:19:01,206 --> 00:19:03,538 I set off down a train tunnel. 358 00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:06,507 Now, that's where the story takes a most unappealing turn. 359 00:19:06,678 --> 00:19:08,839 Oh, no, no, that's where it gets interesting. 360 00:19:09,014 --> 00:19:12,040 Don't you see? The train is bearing down on you... 361 00:19:12,217 --> 00:19:14,708 ...you dive into a side tunnel... 362 00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:19,221 ...and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers. 363 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:22,456 It just seems so clichéd and obvious. 364 00:19:22,628 --> 00:19:24,425 It's not interesting writing. 365 00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:28,165 Yeah, yeah, I know. 366 00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:33,698 How about if instead of diving from the train, you...? 367 00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:38,710 I don't know. You slip and fall in some mud... 368 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,242 ...and ruin your pants? 369 00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:48,117 The very pants I was returning. 370 00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:55,683 That's perfect irony. Elaine, that is interesting writing. 371 00:19:56,295 --> 00:19:59,526 I have a Cosmo Kramer on line four. 372 00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,625 -Peterman here. -Mr. Peterson... 373 00:20:02,801 --> 00:20:04,530 ...you gotta sell me my stories back. 374 00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:07,866 You wanna know something? I no longer need them. 375 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,203 No, no, no, Mr. Peterman, why don't we keep them as a reference. 376 00:20:11,476 --> 00:20:12,841 Nonsense. 377 00:20:13,011 --> 00:20:16,845 I have Benes' wonderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. 378 00:20:17,015 --> 00:20:19,142 You take back your tales, you vagabond. 379 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:23,120 There you are, Elaine. Go forth and create. 380 00:20:23,822 --> 00:20:27,258 And by the way, when you get to that chapter about romantic escapades... 381 00:20:27,426 --> 00:20:29,894 ...feel free to toss yourself into the mix. 382 00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:37,663 Hey, Van B Boys. 383 00:20:37,936 --> 00:20:40,427 So, Mr. Costanza, did you get my scholarship back? 384 00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:42,870 Now, fellas, fellas, easy. 385 00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:45,066 Wouldn't wanna beat up on one of your own. 386 00:20:45,277 --> 00:20:46,710 Is that right? 387 00:20:46,878 --> 00:20:50,177 Then why don't you flash us the sign? 388 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,974 Right. 389 00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:55,915 The sign. 390 00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:06,025 That's not the sign. 391 00:21:06,465 --> 00:21:08,330 It was when I was banging. 392 00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:10,025 All right... 393 00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:12,067 ...if you are really one of us... 394 00:21:12,237 --> 00:21:16,037 ...Iet's see you take the wallet off the next guy who walks by. 395 00:21:17,242 --> 00:21:18,675 Love to. 396 00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:25,047 And after college I got my master's at the Sorbonne. 397 00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:28,948 Sorbonne. Oh, hey, that's in Paris. 398 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,112 Jerry, your parking meter is about to expire. 399 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,053 Don't get up. I've got change. 400 00:21:37,229 --> 00:21:40,392 -So, what do you think? -Jerry, she is fantastic. 401 00:21:40,565 --> 00:21:42,726 I knew it. I'm not crazy. 402 00:21:42,901 --> 00:21:44,129 She's so sweet. 403 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,134 And she's got some body on her. 404 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,865 And smart, like a computer. 405 00:21:50,909 --> 00:21:54,037 And so much personality. But it doesn't matter what we think. 406 00:21:54,212 --> 00:21:55,509 Do you like her? 407 00:21:57,316 --> 00:21:59,750 Now I'm not so sure. 408 00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:03,819 She's 1 0 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with. 409 00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:07,755 Yeah, Amber. I wonder if she's back from Vegas. 410 00:22:12,030 --> 00:22:13,395 All right, no more stalling. 411 00:22:13,565 --> 00:22:16,090 Next one or you're meat. 412 00:22:16,268 --> 00:22:17,792 All right. All right. 413 00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:23,566 -Seinfelds. -Hey, George. 414 00:22:23,742 --> 00:22:24,970 You gotta do me a favor. 415 00:22:25,143 --> 00:22:27,475 Give me your wallet. I'll give it back to you later. 416 00:22:27,646 --> 00:22:28,874 How are your folks? 417 00:22:29,147 --> 00:22:31,513 Trying to pick out a new couch. You don't wanna know. 418 00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:35,744 Give me your wallet or I'll spill your guts right here on the street. 419 00:22:36,121 --> 00:22:37,611 What did you say? 420 00:22:37,789 --> 00:22:39,313 Come on, hurry up, old man. 421 00:22:39,491 --> 00:22:40,856 I'm an animal. 422 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,017 You're being very rude. Come on, Morty. 423 00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:45,686 -Please, they're gonna hit me. -What? 424 00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:49,732 George Costanza, what is the matter with you? 425 00:22:50,001 --> 00:22:52,128 Tell your parents we said hi. 0 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net