- Name? - Dortmunder.
This way.
Sign here.
- What is your name? - Dortmunder.
- Your first name? - John.
Put your package on the table right here.
Step over here.
Gimme your right hand. Get over this way a little bit.
All right, swish your thumb in the red dish, take a napkin...
wipe your finger off and remain standing there.
- Your name? - John Dortmunder.
[Man] Do you wanna, uh, check your belongings, please?
I couldn't let you leave without hearing my rehabilitation speech.
Sign here.
You don't have to worry about me getting rehabilitated, sir.
I already am.
Thanks to you and your prison programs.
Johnny. Johnny. This is me, remember?
No matter what institution I'm at, sooner or later I got you inside it.
- "[Phone Ringing]" - You couldn't, um, really go straight?
[Inhales, Exhales]
My heart wouldn't be in it, Frank.
Man on discharge.
[Engine Starts]
Dortmunder!
Damn. Dortmunder!
[Horn Honking]
[Grunts]
[Tires Squeal]
What the hell you running for?
It's me, your old pal, Kelp.
- Ah. - So how was it this time?
Not bad. I learned plumbing.
Man of your talents can't be a plumber.
You don't have to worry yourself about my talents.
I'm not doin' any more jobs with you.
Who mentioned a job?
You mean, you don't think it's possible I came out of friendship?
[Laughs]
Look, I happen to be married to your sister, and we both happen to care for you.
And if you think that's easy, you're wrong because you're a very abrasive fellow.
Most people can't stand you. Am I right?
You're still as fascinating as ever.
I took a hell of a risk stealing this car so you'd have a little comfort...
to ease you back into society.
Why does that entitle me to abuse?
It's terrific. I'm sorry.
- Don't apologize unless you mean it. - I mean it.
- Really? - Really.
Okay, good. I believe you. So now let me tell you a few things about the job.
[Chattering]
- Well? - I don't think so.
I know you. When you say no, you mean yes.
Say you'll at least meet the doctor, okay? He's the moneyman.
I'm not being pushy but where's the harm seeing if you like each other?
- You're not being pushy? - I'm just edging you towards making a decision.
There's a difference.
There's six ways of lookin' at this. You could look at this in 100 different ways.
I'm just sayin', let's take two ways to look at it that way.
Now, listen, I didn't tell the doctor about you being in prison.
I figure, why undermine his confidence. He wants the best for his money.
Not that you're not the best. But a layman might wonder why you're all the time in jail.
Someday the schoolbooks of my country will sing your praises.
I don't think we want this nosed around, do we, Doctor?
I was taking poetic license.
Our literacy rate in Central Vatawi is 99 percent.
The point is, my entire country will be in your debt...
for returning the Sahara Stone to its rightful people.
- This is him? - I am the permanent representative...
- of Central Vatawi at the United Nations. - Some job of explaining you did.
You may call me "Doctor" Amusa, Mr. Dortmunder.
You see, the countries of Central and Outer Vatawi...
have been stealing the Sahara Stone from one another for generations.
We like to think it was originally ours.
The whole matter at present is being studied by the United Nations.
Being a member of that body...
I, of course, have complete faith in the wisdom of their eventual decision.
But as you Americans might say, in case they blow it...
I'd feel more secure with the jewel in my possession...
which is why, naturally enough, we are here.
Mr. Dortmunder is not entirely committed yet, Doctor.
I won't pay a penny more than 25,000 a man.
I didn't ask for any more.
It comes to a total of exactly $100,000.
Four men. If you need five, you'll each take less.
What if we can do it with three?
That will still be 25,000.
I wouldn't want to encourage greed.
There's no greed around here, Doctor. We're all men of goodwill.
If I weren't a man of goodwill...
I might think that some of us lied...
about the prison records of others of us.
As it is, I know it was only an oversight.
The doctor is, uh, a most understanding employer.
How much help are you good for?
What kind of help?
Vehicles, weapons, whatever's needed.
- Oh, matériel, of course. - And expenses.
- Expenses? - Come on, little birdies, and get your supper.
- What? - Come on. Come on, dears, and get your supper.
Come on. Near the bench.
- Here. You, come on. Get it. - "[Birds Cooing]"
Come and get it, dearies. Come and get it.
He means expenses to live on, Doctor.
- Planning something like this could take weeks. - Oh, the sweet little...
Oh, you mean an advance on your 25,000?
- No, that's not what I mean. - I'm sure something can be arranged.
What I mean is expenses in addition to the 25,000.
- I mean per diem. I mean whatever is needed in order... - I'm sorry.
It's-It's not possible.
Good-bye.
Doctor, the man is fresh out of prison.
How's he supposed to eat? How's he supposed to keep body and soul together, Doctor?
- All right. - All right!
Eat your supper, I tell ya.
I'll let you have $75 a week.
- Seventy-five? - Seventy-five.
Do you realize what the cost of living is in this town?
Cheap. I couldn't work for it.
How can you insult the man with an offer like that?
Offer him 150.
- I can make him take 150. - Yes. Right I am.
You want the stone, you'll say 150.
You say it for me.
I'll tell you something, you are the poorest birds I've ever seen.
Hey.!
Hey, Amusa thinks you're a fabulous guy.
He's apologetic as hell. He's happy to go 150.
The reason he said 75 was because he got confused.
He started thinking in Africa money.
You hear? He'll go 150. That's a good deal. It is.
It's good and it's bad.
There's a guaranteed return, and that's good.
But the guarantor is Amusa, and Amusa's a rookie, and that's bad.
But it's an easily transportable object, and that's good.
Only it's in a rotten position in the museum...
30 steps to the quickest exit, and that's bad.
And the glass over the stone, that's bad too, because that's glass with metal mixed in it.
Bullet proof. Shatter proof.
But the locks don't look impossible... three, maybe five, tumblers.
But there's no alarm system and that's the worst because...
that means no one's going to get lazy watching, knowing the alarm will pick up...
their mistakes, which means the whole thing has got to be a diversion job.
And that's good and that's bad, because if the diversion's too big, it'll draw pedestrians.
And if the diversion's not big enough, it won't draw that watchman.
Dortmunder, I don't know where the hell you are or what the hell you're sayin'.
Just tell me, will you plan the job?
It's what I do.
[Sneezes] Well, my God, you've expanded.
Can't beat the panic business in this town.
Every time the "Daily News" has a scare headline, people go bananas.
Hi. Did you get what you want?
- Yes. Three locks. Thank you. - Enjoy 'em.
- I got some really key guys I can call for you for the job. - Okay.
And I wouldn't mind doin' the lock work myself.
You make your calls. That'll be just fine...
except I was thinking of using Saul Neisser for lock man.
- No hard feelings. - Uh, Saul's in jail now.
They got him for letting a lion loose.
Hey, we're home!
- Hello. Hello. - [Cooing]
Hi.
- God, you look awful. - Not you. Who's keepin' you?
- Him. We're practically rich. - We're not rich.
And now you're working together.
[Baby Crying]
Listen, he doesn't think I'm good enough to work with him.
He must have just been kidding you.
Personally, you know how fond I am of Kelp.
He, he hit me in the eye this morning when I went to pick him up.
He gets nervous under pressure, you know that.
Not anymore. We're well off now.
He doesn't have to hustle. He's relaxed.
He's still family, and I don't like working with family.
- What if we get caught? Who'd look after you? - Andrew doesn't get caught.
You're the one with that difficulty.
Come on, Clara. You're not fair. He's had rough breaks.
I don't need you defending me to my sister.
I don't need you attacking my husband.
My record doesn't need defending by anybody.
Bye, John. Pull thejob without him and write me...
when you're back in stir so I'll know where you are.
Hold it. All right. I'll tell you what. I'll consider using him, okay?
- His nerves are now steel. - I'll get to work making some calls.
[Laughs] Are you happy?
- [Giggling] - [Chuckles]
The kid's peeing on me.
Hey, everything okay?
Hello, Stan.
Hey, what do ya say, Ma?
Hey, look what I bought. Brand-new.
- "What is it?" - Daytona Speedway... in stereo.
Oh, play it for me, Stan.
I could use a little cheering.
[Engines Roaring]
Okay, Ma?
Uh, a little more treble, Stan.
What?
- Treble. - Treble, right.
[Engines Roaring, Tires Screeching]
[Inaudible]
[Phone Ringing]
[Ringing Continues]
Yeah?
Who? I can't hear.
Hey, Kelp! What do ya say?
- "[Baby Crying]" - [No Audible Dialogue]
[Man On Radio] All right. We go into the top half of the seventh inning.
Mets on top of the Dodgers. Score three to one.
Rather exciting game this evening...
on a very, very hot evening here in New York.
104 degrees. We don't have the humidity.
- Good to see you back. - Anybody here yet?
One fellow. A draft beer. I don't think I knew him.
You're a double Jack Daniel's straight up.
- Surprised you remember. - It's the only way to make it in this business.
Customer relations. Once I got your drink, you're mine for life.
[Man On Radio Continues, Indistinct]
- Murch? - Dortmunder?
- What do ya say? - Hi.
- How ya doin'? - You're early.
Yeah. I made good time.
You know, instead of goin' all the way around the Belt...
I went up Rockaway Parkway and over Eastern Parkway to Grand Army Plaza.
Then right up Flatbush Avenue to the Manhattan Bridge...
and up Third Avenue, pbbt, through the park at 79th Street.
There's a Pinch bottle and Perrier out there asking for Kelp.
If he calls himself Greenberg, send him on in.
Sure. Kelp takes his Jack Daniel's with soda.
Next time around, gimme a bottle of salt, will ya there, pal?
You know at night you can make better time that way than if you went...
all the way around the Belt, through the Battery Tunnel, up the Westside Highway?
I never knew that.
- The bartender said to bring salt to the draft. - Yeah, right here, pal.
- Rollo said you had the bottle. Oh. - Right here.
- Hey! - Hey, you're early. Huh?
Hey, Allan Greenberg, this is John Dortmunder.
- Pleasure. - Stanley Murch, Allan Greenberg.
- I'll get your chair, Al. Sit right down. - Al.
- Thank you. - Okay.
Huh.
Dortmunder's open for questions.
Yeah, I was thinking... We get 150 a week till we do the job, right?
Then why do we ever do the job?
Because we'll only get a few weeks out of Amusa and I'd rather split the 100,000.
- Right. - Equal splits?
Yeah. I don't work any other way.
There's gonna be need for a lot of preparation and surveillance.
Most of it night work. Kelp says there's muggers in the area so go easy.
Once we get the diamond, um...
Well, why do we have to give it to this Amusa?
It sounds like it's worth more than 100,000.
Should we deal with the, uh, insurance company directly?
Well, that's always possible if something happens to Amusa.
Well, just so we're flexible in our thinking.
Uh, one little problem is that Amusa knows who me and Dortmunder are.
And since this stone is this big symbolic thing, I'm not all that anxious...
to have an entire African nation after my ass, if you don't mind.
Blowguns and poison arrows, no thanks.
I think they're a little more modern now, Andrew.
Is that supposed to make me feel better, tommy guns and airplanes?
What are these numbers there?
- Suit sizes for the uniforms you're gonna buy. - Buy? What's wrong with renting?
Come on, Doctor. You said you'd supply matériel.
You mean it's actually going to happen?
Maybe not right away, but we're researching full time now.
[Chuckles] I'm a criminal.
Bigger.
I've never seen one like that before.
Uh, well, it's kind of European and I, uh...
I learned it when I was at the Sorbonne.
Oh. Right.
- God, I'm sorry. - Oh, that's okay. Just go ahead.
No. Bigger.
Uh, I picked this up at Berkeley.
- You studied a lot, I guess. - I love school.
Bigger still.
I'll work on it.
And I'll need noise.
How much noise?
[Roars]
Okay.
Aaah!
Oh!
Help! Police!
[Grunts]
Police... Police!
All right. Are you okay, fella?
I am now.
[Engine Starts, Revs]
[Explosion Reverberates]
Aaah-h...
Get the fire extinguishers. I'll take care of him.
- It wouldn't steer. The wheel... - Yeah.
[Footsteps Approaching]
Kelly, don't just stand there. Get the buckets.
Get those fire extinguishers...
Get them away from the gas tank.
The wheel. The wheel.
- Easy, fella. - I couldn't make it turn.
- "What is this?" - H-H-How do you mean? How do you mean?
I can't find the goddamned place. The building sounds like it's exploding.
- And I'm all the hell turned around. - Uh-huh. Let me show you.
Take the east and your first left and that should be it.
Sounded like a mother of a crash. I wouldn't miss a crash like that.
- Thanks. - Yeah, anytime.
Get back over here with that extinguisher. Hurry up!
[Indistinct]
- I called the ambulance. - [Gasping]
Get those people back.! Back.!
[Man] Cops cannot get this thing under control.
It wouldn't matter. He's gone.
[Lock Rattles]
[Swallows]
[Clears Throat] How's it coming?
You don't mean how's it coming. You mean what's the matter. That's what you mean.
You mean what am I doing with a lox like Kelp?
A no-talent, no-good, no-confidence...
I get caught tonight, and it's life for me.
And in all the world, who did I choose to take that risk with?
You.
Now why do you think I did that?
Because you've got golden hands, Andrew.
Those hands can open any lock devised by man.
You really think I got golden hands?
Nah, maybe they used to be golden.
- I used to be great, I admit that. - You are great now.
And you're gonna be legendary.
- I'm a doctor! Let me through, please. - "[Murch] Oh, God.!"
- Anybody call an ambulance? - Yes, sir. A few minutes ago.
- [Screams] - It's all right. It's all right.
I'm gonna need all of you. We're gonna have to put him in temporary traction ourselves.
- I thought we weren't supposed to touch people... - Now you listen to me!
His ribs are scratching his heart.
At any second now, they're gonna cut right through.
- You want that on your conscience, you tell me. - Sorry.
[Lock Rattles]
Me.
I did that. Me. I did that.
Legendary.
Get the others.
No!
- Bring him up. - Ah, no...
- Bring him up slow. It's gonna be all right. - Do it slow.
It's all right. Bring him up. Hold the tension.
You're doing it. That's good. You're gonna be fine.
- [Whimpering] - You're gonna be fine. Shhh, shhh, shhh.
- Hold him. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh.
- Oh, yes. - You're gonna be fine.
Oh, bless you. Bless you, Doctor.
[Crying] Thank you. Thank you very much...
You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine.
- God bless you. - Hold him.
- I'm gonna be fine, right? - Perfect.
- Okay. - They're doing it.
They're doing it really right. Hold it, boys. That's it.
- Don't leave me! - It's all right. It's all right.
- Hold him. - Uh, wait a minute. Back here by the gas tank.
Where the hell is that ambulance?
- Where's the ambulance? - It's coming. It's coming.
- Now... - [Gasping] Aaah, ow, ow...
Shh, sh, sh. Where's the nearest phone? Tell me.
- It's right inside... - [Screams]
- Sh. Sh. Sh. - Don't let him leave!
- Hold him good. - Hold me.
Hold him until I come back. You understand?
- Hold me. - Hold the tension. Keep the tension strong.
- Keep it strong. - Keep it... You hear him?
[Sirens Blaring]
[Sirens Continue]
Okay, here they come. Here they come.
Now, come on. Stand back now. Let 'em through.
Come on now. Get out of the road. Let 'em through there.
- Murch? - Okay, so far.
Okay. [Indistinct]
[Grunts]
[Strains]
You sure you got it all unlocked?
- You haven't insulted me enough already? - Sorry. Okay. Once again.
The man in the car.
Over here.
[Metal Clanging]
[Grunts]
Come on. Get in. Hurry.
- I can't hold it. - What?
I can't hold it. I can't.
Hold it. Hold it! Hold it! God, hol...
- [Chattering] - [Siren Wailing]
How could you do this to me? There's no air in here. You know what this feels like?
Okay, together. Up. Where are you? Come on. Again. Up.
[Chattering]
- Grab it. - Easy.
[Straining]
- What is it? - I forgot my tools. Take it.
[Man] Kelly, don'tjust stand there. [Indistinct]
Let's get out of here.
Hey, have you seen them?
They're trapped. In here.
[Man Yelling]
[Grunts]
[Man] Over here. Come over and help me. Over here.
[Man #2 Indistinct]
[Swallows]
No. No, thanks.
Yeah, thanks, honey.
- Hey, we made the "Daily News." - What?
- Let me see. - Yeah. Yeah. Listen. Listen.
Uh, uh, uh, "priceless jewel." "The Sahara Stone."Uh, "says that, uh, "the museum"...""
"The dazzlingly successful operation was handled by four men...
one of whom escaped from a hospital ambulance by savagely assaulting a doctor."
- I didn't savagely assault him. - "Another has been identified as Alan Greenberg...
- of 52 West 11 th in Westbury." - I just popped him.
That ain't savage. You expect rotten reporting in the "Times."
- The "Daily News" called me a dazzling success. - [Chuckles]
- Did they say anything about what we did with the diamond? - What?
The thing to remember, Andrew, is we haven't got it.
I'm just tryin' to look on the bright side.
Greenberg obviously dropped the damn thing in the museum. I know it's there.
Well, why don't you just wander on over and tell them about your interest.
I'm sure they'll be happy to let you look around to your heart's content.
- Stan. - Pleasure.
- Hey, what am I gonna tell Amusa? - Come on, kid.
- Tell him good-bye. From now on I'm sticking to plumbing. - You take failure too hard.
I don't mind it so much anymore.
- That's some stomach. - Then it is an ulcer?
No, no. Not yet.
Right now, it's only gastritis.
Can you make it go away?
I guessed you were the strong, silent type.
That's no good. You keep everything inside you.
Don't get into tension situations.
Don't get into arguments. Turn the other cheek.
Smile. Then we'll just have to make a few adjustments in your diet.
- What do you mean? - Here.
Chew on these. Keep 'em handy. Stock up at the drugstore...
- and I'll give you some pills to go with it. - How serious is it?
I want you to keep away from ketchup and mustard and onions...
and, uh, garlic and tea and coffee...
and tobacco and scotch...
"and bourbon and vodka and gin"...
You'll never guess why I had to find you.
- Another key job? - Not exactly.
More like the same one again. See, Greenberg's got it.
- Greenberg? - Yeah, yeah.
He contacted his lawyer, the lawyer called Amusa and Amusa called me.
I got him up to 200 a week on our per diem.
L-I think I could've squeezed 250, but...
- you gotta let those diplomats save face when you can. - Yeah. Where's the stone?
Where's Greenberg is really the question.
Greenberg's in state prison and once we bust him outta there, the stone is ours.
You want me to break into prison?
I'll be with you every step of the way.
[Bell Chiming]
What I'm talkin' about is a point of view. You gotta have a point of view.
You just can't... You go through to say no all the time. You cannot... That's good luck.
Come on. Come on. Look. Look.
There are many ways to approach something, right?
You always take the negative point of view.
Just don't be negative. Just say to yourself...
It's just the psychology... psychological thing.
Just say to yourself, no, I'm not gonna be negative. I'm gonna be positive.
Shall we get right down to cases, gentlemen?
I'm sure you have more important things to do. I know I have.
You're Greenberg's lawyer.
My card.
My client is innocent. No court could convince me otherwise.
Unfortunately, the fact that my client was captured the night of the robbery...
traipsing around a museum in a guard's uniform...
might seem to an uninformed juror slightly more than circumstantial evidence.
Therefore, I am following my client's instructions and I'm doing...
what has to be done to expedite his release from prison.
What about the stone?
My client informs me that he got away with it.
And if you spring him, he will turn it over to you with gratitude and appreciation.
If you won't, he will hand it over to the authorities...
in exchange for lightening his sentence.
If I seem less than enchanted with all of you...
it's only because I do not like the way you led my son...
the horse's ass, into the path of lawlessness.
- You're Greenberg's father? - Guilty.
I have managed to secure some notes...
about the prison guards and plans of state prison...
which mainly handles the overflow of convicted prisoners...
and some special cases from the city.
Otto.
Could you please...
Please stop that, Otto.
Do you honestly think picking your feet is the height of human aspiration?
[Grunts] Screw, huh?
Yeah, screw. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't get me into those intellectual arguments, all right?
Why don't you pick your nose like other people?
[Man] Greenberg.
Visitor.
- Hello, Alan. - Hi.
- How goes the world? - The world misses you.
Your friends miss you.
I miss you most of all.
Well, um, how's my appeal coming?
Oh, it's going very well.
I wouldn't be surprised if you heard something by next week. I'll be in touch with you.
That's good news.
All your friends ask is that you...
meet them halfway.
I'll certainly try.
Anything worth trying...
is worth trying more than once.
Three times at the very least.
- I'll do my best. - You must.
Even though the effort lands you in the hospital.
In a hospital?
That's what I said.
Good-bye, Al.
[Inaudible]
Here's the matériel request, Doctor.
What is it this time? More uniforms, uh... A truck.
Yes, sir, and it's gotta be kind of huge.
A kind of huge truck.
And it can't be hot. You can rent it but it better not...
be traceable back to you, if we're caught.
You might consider buying it.
A legitimate kind of huge truck.
Hey, listen. I'll be back on time...
and I don't want you to think I'm a quitter...
but if you're not there, I ain't waitin'.
[Engine Revs]
[Snoring]
[Metal Snapping]
Down.
- Go! - Wait.
[Panting]
Here, take this.
- What's that? - Hard candy.
- Let me have some. My throat's dry. - You wouldn't like it.
- Let me be the judge of that. - You didn't get it.
- I did. I got it. - Oh.
Okay. This is it. Let's go.
Come on.
That's some kind of crazy hard candy.
- Tastes like medicine. - It's a new flavor they're test marketing.
The hell it's a new flavor. That's stomach junk.
- What do you got, an ulcer? - Gastritis.
Years away from ulcers yet.
All these years you've made me feel inferior with your nerves of steel routine.
I've got better things to do than to listen to this.
[Snoring]
[Lock Clicks]
[Phone Ringing]
[Ringing Continues]
Section four.
No, no. Johnson's "on the next shi"ft.
[Snoring]
[Screaming]
Cut that out! Cut that out! Guard!
Stop picking your feet! I told you! I'm gonna tell you again!
- "I'm gonna tell you again.!" - Guard! Guard! He's after my feet!
I told you not to pick your feet!
Guard, he's after my feet!
- Goddamned feet! Good-bye! - Guard! Guard!
- [Screaming] - Guard!
Your feet are dead! Your feet are dead!
Guard!
[Gagging]
[Engine Starts]
What the hell? Why didn't you bring a ladder?
- I can't climb one of these things. - Go on, for God's sake.
You shouldn't have brought a stupid rope. I can't climb any stupid rope.
Help him.
- Help him? - Yeah, help me.
- Come on. - Use my shoulder.
- Like this? - Yes.
- Okay? - "Yeah."
[Straining]
Where's that thing? That handle?
- There's no thing. Wait. - Go on.
I... can't... feel... [Grunting] I can't...
- Are you there? - Always. Go on.
Oh, God, my leg. [Grunts]
Go on. Go.
[Siren Wailing]
Come on.
[Gunshots]
Hit it.
[Bullets Ricochet]
[Tires Squealing]
[Tires Screeching]
[Exhales, Chuckles]
I didn't think it cornered too good.
We're not moving.
What the hell? Come on! Let's get moving.
No. W-We're staying here till 6:00...
till all the other trucks start goin'.
Then Murch will drive us back.
[Panting] Well, that's really good thinking, waiting here.
And back in the city, we hand over the stone and collect our dough.
- Mm. - Well, um...
We can at least start, uh, working on that tomorrow.
What do you mean start working on it?
Well, it's, uh...
- It's just not gonna be that easy, that's all. - Why not?
You hid it in the police station.
- It's where I was. - Well, surely then...
at the museum you could have...
- Or somewhere! - He swallowed it.
What happened then? When did you next see the diamond?
Not until the next day.
I'll sort of skip over that part, if you don't mind.
- I wish you would. - Right. The next time I had the diamond...
I was in a police station in a detention cell on the top floor.
And that's where you hid it?
Well, what else could I do?
I couldn't keep it on me, not in jail.
Couldn't you have just kept on swallowing it?
No.
[Police Radio, Indistinct]
Gee, that's a nice watch.
I'd really like that watch.
Keep goin' to church and maybe God'll reward you.
[Police Radio, Indistinct]
I didn't say I'd like a watch like that...
I said I'd like that watch.
[Metal Snaps]
[Sighs]
- It's yours. - Thanks.
Here's the matériel request, Doctor.
Is it going to upset me?
I think it's safe to say that. Yes, sir.
Whoo! Yeah.
[Sighs]
You're sure you've driven one of these things before, right?
- [Clears Throat] - I don't wanna know the answer, neither do you.
Let's load. Come on.
[Murch Mumbles]
[Mouthing Words]
[Mumbling]
You phony. You've never even seen one of these up close before.
You know, you got some kind of mouth.
I got books at home how to make one of these.
All right, all you do is hit this here. Hit this switch here.
Hit this. Hit... this one here.
Over here. These two here.
Double it over. Hit that switch there.
Hit your battery and your starter.
[Engine Whirring]
Come on, baby.
You're gonna click. You're gonna click.
We're gonna go.
Come on, baby.
What do ya say?
I told you I could drive anything, yeah?
Hey!
[Chuckles] What do ya say, Kelp?
[Murch] There's the police station roof. Get ready.
This is it!
Murch, you ass! It's the wrong roof!
I counted the blocks over from the river.
I could've sworn I got it right.
Well, just don't stand there like a dummy. Will ya go ask questions.
If you're gonna be a sorehead about this, I'll go ask 'em.
You probably couldn't even find them.
I'm, uh, sorry to bother you, gentlemen...
but we're looking for the Ninth Street Precinct House.
That's right, Officer. There is one on Ninth Street.
Two blocks straight ahead.
Aw, hell. Two blocks ain't bad.
That's it.
Come in.
- Lieutenant, the phone's gone dead. - Aw, again?
Uh, did you try, uh, jigglin' it and everything?
- Yes, sir. - Yeah?
Somebody's jamming our signal. We can't broadcast and we can't receive.
Well, did you try...
monkeyin' with it and everything?
I'm tellin' ya, somebody set up a jammer on us.
We used to have the same thing in the South Pacific.
Okay. Okay. I'd better tell the captain.
Get me the cap...
We'll have to blow it.
You sure you guys got the right place?
[Object Pops, Hisses]
- "[Lieutenant] Yeah." - Sir?
Bombs. There's bombs in the street, sir.
Bombs, huh?
It's a revolution. It's a goddamned revolution.
[Explosion]
They always try for the police stations first.
T-T-Tear gas in the stairwells. They're cutting us off from the detention cells.
Break out the riot guns on the double. On the double!
[Man] Come on, fellas. Go.!
I'm not gonna be the first American policeman to lose a station.
[Cop Shouting] Can you see it?
Take cover. Take cover!
[Coughing]
- Go on! - [Coughing]
Me, fellas? You doin' all this to free me?
That's beautiful, man. That's the most beautiful thing I ever heard of.
- "[Indistinct Yelling]" - "[Coughing]"
[Commotion Continues]
How the hell can it not be there?
- Did you take it? - It's been here for weeks.
Somebody else took it, that's all.
[Commotion Continues]
[Engine Whirring]
[Coughing]
We beat 'em, men!
I've had it with that stinking stone, man!
I'm done! That's all! Good-bye, Charlie.
Not me.
I've got no choice.
I'm not superstitious...
and I don' believe in jinxes, but that stone's jinxed me and it won't let go.
I've been damned near bitten...
shot at, peed on and robbed.
And worse is gonna happen before it's done. So I'm takin' my stand.
I'm goin' all the way.
Either I get it...
or it gets me.
And if I ever find out that you talked to anyone...
Come on. How dumb do you think I am?
Anyway, Dad made me swear not to tell.
He knew?
Well, of course he knew. He's my lawyer, isn't he?
He has to know all the facts.
Now, come on. He's my father.
He wouldn't cross me anymore than I'd cross you.
Watch your step there, Mr. Greenberg.
I'll keep lookout.
Do you want a kidnapping charge?
That's all you need with a record like yours. You want it?
- Abe Greenberg will lay it on ya. - You do that.
[Coughs]
- Dad? - Allan?
Get me out of this.
Trust me, son.
- You'll answer to the courts for this! - Where's the diamond?
We don't know anything.
Tell him what you finally told us!
What did you tell them, Allan?
Just...
Just that when you first came to visit me in prison...
that you said...
if they don't wanna spring you...
and if you knew where the stone was...
you could get it...
and sell it.
And use the money to spring me.
You think I took the diamond? You think I'd cross my own son?
That or you're in it together. Come on.
What? No!
- Alan! Alan! - No! Please!
No, Daddy!
I just told you where it was! Daddy, please!
No.! Make them believe that, please.!
For God's sake, Daddy!
I just told you where it was!
I'm sorry.
I just don't think you can do it.
We'll throw him down and you right after.
- Help me! No! - Never. Never in this world.
No! Stop it! Daddy, for God's sake!
It's a long way down, Dad.
[Allan] Stop him.!
Dad, please.!
- It's not in you. - "No, Daddy, please.!"
[Yelling, Indistinct]
Help me.!
I just told you where it was!
[Yelling, Indistinct]
I am sometime so astute, it's remarkable.
There are some things people will not do.
But there's things that get done that you can't do yourself.
There's things that happen that you can make happen!
Am I right, Chicken?
[Growling]
[Chuckles]
- Get out! - No!
- Now, you will stop this. - No!
I know what you will do and what you won't do, and don't do this.
- Help me! - I haven't got the time. Now, stop this.
[Allan Yelling] Help me, Daddy.!
I'll kill you, bastard! Get off!
Stop him now!
- "Jesus.! Put me down.!" - Put him down, Chicken.
Daddy, help me.!
[Screams]
[Scream Fades]
Chicken, no!
Stop him.! Stop him.! Jesus, stop him.!
[Straining]
Tell him he can have it! Tell him he can have it!
You can have the rock. Tell him you can have the rock!
Tell him.! Tell him.!
Here! Here! It's in my safe deposit box.
Here! The keys!
[Allan] I'm gonna tell Mama on you, Dad.
I know. I know.
[Breathing Heavily]
- [Chattering] - "[Phone Ringing]"
[Doorbell Buzzes]
- Why didn't you tell me they ran a signature check? - You didn't ask me, sweetie.
- How's your forgery? - Fair.
- Fair to good. I'll brush up on it. - And how long will that take...
and what happens to Mr. Greenberg in the meantime?
You'll hold him here. We can't afford to let him loose.
- Come on, guys. Let's not fight among ourselves. - Why not?
You want me to hold him prisoner here?
It's called accessory after the fact.
- Minimum sentence... - Shut up, Dad.
Gratitude.
While you're practicing up on your penmanship...
you might leave a little time for a refresher course in plastic surgery.
I've been tippin' people at that bank for years.
Everybody knows Abe Greenberg. That key won't get you anything.
Even if you forge my name, you'll never forge this amiable countenance.
Wait. Wait.
How's this?
One of you goes into the bank with me, armed, naturally.
And when I open the box, you grab the diamond. Good?
Brilliant, except that that box is in the name of Mr. Abe Greenberg.
And Mr. Abe Greenberg is the only one allowed to get at it.
Wait. Wait. How's this?
You kill me. Bang, bang, bang!
And then you take the diamond from my wife when she inherits it.
Good? Brilliant...
except when I die, that box gets opened in the presence of my wife...
her lawyer, two bank officers and a man from probate court.
She'd never get that diamond halfway home.
That's the toughest bank anywhere.
I'm really quite disenchanted with the results you're getting.
Things could be worse, Doctor.
I mean, at least we know where it is.
Now, all we need is a little plan.
"Here's the matériel request, Doctor.
"You'll notice there's a submarine on it!
"But don't get excited, we don't need anything atomic.
Just your standard, ordinary sub. We're used to hardships."
Just give us a few days, Doctor. We'll come through for you.
My guys thrive on challenge.
Eat your hearts out, you sappy bastards.
[Laughing]
It's crazy, but I somehow feel this is all my fault.
Not so crazy. It is all your fault.
Hey, come on. Don't talk that way.
- Hey, we got a winning team. - [Chuckles]
If what we've been doin' is winnin', guy...
you better keep your eye on the referee 'cause somebody's killin' us.
- "[Kelp] Dortmunder'll" think of somethin'. - "[Murch] Oh, yeah."
Won't you think of somethin'?
He's thinkin'of somethin'.
[Crowd Cheers On Radio]
[Man On Radio] All right. Seaver's now, again...
shaking off a sign given to him by Yogi Berra.
Evidently, they're not in communication tonight.
Maybe something took place in the locker room just prior to the game starting.
Whatever it is, he's shaking one more sign.
Apparently, he remembers seeing something we don't.
[Inhales, Exhales]
- This the plan? - No.
On that one, we don't get the diamond.
- You got one where we do get it? - Just this one.
- Let's work on this one. - Only trouble is we also get caught.
- Can't you refine it? - I don't see how.
I would've been here sooner, but when I took Pennsylvania to the Interborough...
and then Woodhaven to Queens Boulevard to the bridge...
Con Ed was digging a hole at the intersection.
Stan, we got troubles of our own.
You think I don't know? 53rd Street's one-way, Park Avenue traffic is murder...
and the lights is all set wrong.
So you can forget about your getaway.
[Scoffs, Snorts]
It's like God was tellin' us to go straight.
I tried everything I could think of.
I did.
But you see...
the walls of the vault are 27 inches thick.
And if that's not enough...
Miasmo.
- Did you say "Miasmo"? - Miasmo.
I'm sorry. Floor?
Twenty-six, please.
- Look at the lights. - I beg your pardon?
Look at the lights.
See how even they are.
How regular.
What a rhythm they have.
Look at them. They're fascinating.
You feel the soothing effect of them.
You can feel the soothing effect relaxing you.
Relaxing deeply.
And as you look at the numbers, your eyelids are growing heavy.
Very heavy.
I'd like to see about renting a safe deposit box.
Yes. A safe deposit. All right.
There we are, sir. If you'll sign.
- If you'll sign right there, please. - Okay.
You can do everything I tell you to do. Is that right?
- Yes. - That is right.
And you will do everything I tell you to do. Is that right?
- Yes. - Yes, that is right.
You are deep asleep.
Soon...
a man is going to come into your place of employment...
into the bank where you work.
- "Do you understand me?" - Yes.
When this man says to you the words...
"Afghanistan banana stand,"
you will do exactly what he tells you to do.
Do you understand this?
I will do exactly what he tells me to do.
That is fine. Very good. You see...
how peaceful you feel by following my suggestions?
It makes you feel so good and so secure.
Now, what is it that the man will say to you?
"Afghanistan banana stand."
Yeah, got it.
Got it. Got it. Okay.
- That was Amusa. He says he's gotta see us. - When?
- He says right away. - Yeah, well, I can't now.
Miasmo says the longer I wait, the better the chances of its wearing off.
I've gotta hit the bank right after opening.
All right. All right. I'll take care of it.
I just keep wondering what's gonna screw up this time.
- Where is Dortmunder? - He couldn't make it.
That's typical of your efficiency.
- Ask for four, I get three. - What was so important?
- I'm firing you and I thought you'd want to know. - What?
I've been convinced I could do better elsewhere.
Doctor, after all the risks we took for you, how can you double-cross us like this?
Sir, I'm a man of honor and a patriot...
and I wish you would not speak to me that way.
If I had intended anything underhanded...
I would hardly have brought you here to explain it to your face.
Come along, Abe. We really must go.
The bank will be open soon.
You were convinced by him?
America is a country based on free enterprise...
and I'm merely underselling you, that's all.
Don't expect me for any more Sunday dinners, Dad.
Dillinger.
Y-You never intended paying us from the beginning.
I've done nothing but pay you from the beginning.
Between my expenses and your per diem, it's come to $12,000.
Which, considering the caliber of your work, is ample payment indeed.
You Americans, all you ever think about is money, money, money.
I've heard of the habitual criminal, of course...
but I never dreamed I'd become involved with the habitual crime.
[Chuckles]
[Chattering]
[Phone Ringing]
[Doorbell Buzzes]
[Phone Ringing]
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Phone Hangs Up]
Your key, sir.
[Clears Throat]
I can take it to an alcove if you'd prefer privacy.
That won't be necessary.
Okay.
- Thank you. It wasn't so long. - "No, sir."
Afghanistan banana stand.
Yes, sir?
We'll open this box now.
Yes, sir.
I can take it to an alcove if you'd prefer privacy, sir.
Please.
Just call when you're through, sir.
Okay.
- Your key, sir. - Thank you.
- Good morning. - Good morning.