This programme contains some strong language
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
# She's Mrs Brown
# That's Mrs Brown
# Oh, Mrs Brown. #
Hello there!
I'm just reading some stuff in the paper.
Apparently an 85-year-old woman married a 92-year-old man
and they spent their honeymoon getting out of the buckin' car!
It also said that the economy is having a tough time.
Really? What about us?
You pick something off the supermarket shelf now,
by the time you get to the till, it's gone up 10p!
HE EXHALES WITH FORCE
That's fantastic, Grandad.
You're going from strength to strength. Ah.
How is he, Doctor?
Wonderful! I swear he could run a marathon.
He couldn't run a buckin' bath.
HE GRUMBLES
Morning, Agnes.
How are ya, Winnie? Get yourself a cuppa tea there.
Right. Oh, Happy New Year!
Winnie, we're weeks into it now, for God's sake,
you can only say that one day of the year.
Oh, someone's in a bad humour.
You know, my bank manager wouldn't even give me an overdraft!
Ha-ha! She'll be sorry, I tell ya.
She doesn't know I'm in partnership
with a Nigerian prince that has a gold mine.
I don't know why you bother with the paper.
I don't read it any more, it's only bad news.
Yeah, I think you should take life with a pinch of salt.
Yeah, and a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila!
That's me done, Mrs Brown. See you next month.
Doctor, Agnes was just saying how things are so bad everywhere.
Oh, I see it every day.
But we've a lot to be thankful for.
Oh, you're right.
I'm sitting here thinking how lucky I am to have me family
and Winnie is thinking how lucky she is
that wrinkles aren't painful.
No, I mean all round.
People are living longer, there's less poverty, less illness...
Not in this buckin' house.
No, I mean in general.
Like, look at keyhole surgery and vaccines.
Amazing!
Do you remember, Dr Flynn, the public nurse coming to the school
and us getting the sugar lump with the polio vaccine in it?
God, Winnie, I remember that.
Mm, not really.
My father was a doctor and I went to a private school.
Oh... AUDIENCE: Oooh!
My school had its own doctor.
Our school had its own coroner!
Which school was that?
The Little Sisters of the Merciful Jesus.
That was my father!
Your father wasn't Jesus!
No, his father was Dr Rigor Mortis.
I have to go. Goodbye.
See ya, Doctor.
So what are you up to, Winnie?
Oh, I did have a good chat with Sharon last night.
She really likes this new boyfriend, so I was warning her about sex.
Really?
I can't buckin' wait to hear this.
So, what did you say?
Well, I just warned her that if she gives him sex before they get
married, that once they're married,
she'll, he'll want it all the time.
"She he'll want it all the time"?
I think the proper pronoun is "they". They, yeah.
They will want it all the time
and he's not getting it.
I used to love sex with Redser.
Especially the one in the winter.
Snowballs. Uh...
You wouldn't believe how innocent Sharon is, Agnes.
No, Winnie, I wouldn't.
Actually, nobody in Finglas would.
Heard a joke last night.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
I can't remember the punch line.
I can't remember the punch line, who?
It doesn't matter.
My back garden is in a mess.
I know, I saw. I've never seen it as bad.
Well, it's the overgrowth from the back lane.
Well, you should ring the council. I did!
Wasted me time. Mm.
I've written a complaint, now maybe that will bring a reaction.
Let me see it.
"Dear Shithead..."
No, Winnie, that's a bad start.
Hiya, Mrs McGoogan.
Oh, how are ya, Cathy, love?
Here, how did Sharon's date go last night? Well, she didn't say,
but I think it's really serious with this fella, Martin.
No, Martin was her date on Monday.
Oh, sorry, I meant Peter.
No, that was Wednesday.
It was Donal last night.
Oh, Donal, you're right.
I think it's really serious, Cathy.
Yeah. Mammy, where's me blouse?
It's up on the clotheshorse in the bathroom.
Thanks, Mammy. I'll go get dressed.
Winnie, you can't send this letter.
Why not? The council have to do something about the mess.
Yeah, well, you're going to have to reword it. You can't say,
"My bush is overgrown
"and there's fungus growing on my back passage."
Well, it's true.
Hey, Ma! Hello, Mrs Brown.
CHEERING
How are the boys?
Well, me job sucks, so there's that!
Oh, Dermot, that's just the New Year blues.
Everybody's job sucks today.
True.
A pilot's job sucks, a painter's job sucks.
A prostitute's job...
No, no, Winnie, Winnie. No.
I just reek of disappointment.
Dermo, you need to lighten up.
LIGHT BULB DINGS
You're right, Buster, I do need to lose weight.
No more drink, no more junk food.
That's the attitude, son. I'm proud of you.
I'm just after doing a fry.
Oh, bacon!
LIGHT BULB DINGS
Look son, you just have the New Year blues.
The thing is not to panic...
CATHY: Aaaargh!
..like Cathy does.
Winnie, there's very little difference with Cathy's screams
between, there's a spider in the shower
or there's a man in the bedroom with a knife.
For God's sake, I don't believe it. What?
These actually fit me last year.
Like seven days ago?
Do you want me to help you put them on, Cathy?
Ah, shut up, Buster!
My ma used to use Vaseline.
To put on jeans?
Oh, yeah, maybe that was to fit her exhaust pipe.
Mammy, I'm implementing a new regime.
New Year, new you! New Year, new me!
Me too! New Year, new me!
Well, good luck with that, children.
And it starts today, Mammy, with yoga.
Oh, lovely. Fruit of the forest for me, please.
No, Mammy. Yoga, not yoghurt!
Oh.
We'll all enjoy that, Mammy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, a second! Wait a minute.
What do you mean, "we"? When did I come into this?
I don't even buckin' wear jeans.
It's not about the jeans, Mammy, it's about this.
Your hair?
Clarity of the mind!
This year is going to be different.
Hmm.
Right, I'm going up to make a plan.
And what's the secret of a good plan, Buster?
Let Dermo do it.
No, strategy.
That's what I meant.
And we need a leader.
I nominate Maria.
Good! Carried!
Do we not get a vote? No.
Come on, Buster. We'd better get moving.
OK, Dermo, can I have some bacon first?
New regime, Buster, new regime!
Do you know who I bumped into yesterday, when I was in town?
I'm just guessing now - everybody?
No. Larry Gowland.
That name sounds familiar.
Oh, you remember him, Agnes.
Good-looking fella, had the hots for me.
Larry G...
Oh, God, I remember! I haven't seen him in 50 years.
"Hots" is a bit of a stretch, Winnie.
He had! He's still as good-looking as he was back then.
You know, I dumped him and married Jacko.
He was so disappointed.
Who, Jacko?
No, Larry.
I just dumped him.
Winnie, you didn't dump him, you never dated him!
I did too!
And he loved me, deeply.
AUDIENCE: Awww!
Winnie, I'm sure, deep down, he DID love you.
But I'm old-fashioned.
I believe that men, you know, show their affection for someone
with a gift or flowers,
not a buckin' restraining order.
22, 23, oh, that's it, everybody!
Keep it up!
Oh!
Mrs Brown, are you OK?
Yes, actually that was really nice.
OK, that's it, everybody.
And to cool down, we're going to touch our toes.
Birdie, I can't, can't get past me knees.
I can barely see my toes.
Here, Winnie, you touch mine and I'll touch yours!
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
Did I miss anything?
Everything! We only have ten minutes left.
Excuse me? Yes, Mrs Brown?
Can we take these home with us? Of course.
Lovely!
Ten minutes?
I didn't miss much, though!
Right, everybody, a quick jog around the block
and then we're finished for the day.
Whoo! OK, everybody! Hup two, get those legs up!
Sharon, two packets of Scampi Fries and a cola - diet.
Dermot, tell me more about this solar stuff.
It comes in kit form and it's DIY.
It's cheap and saves a lot on electricity.
I'll bet.
I might get one for here.
What took you so long? I'm back ages.
Agnes, did you see him?
See who?
Larry Gowland!
I saw him across the road and he was just staring at us.
Ah, Winnie, you're having hallucinations.
You're seeing Larry Gowland everywhere.
You know, you're right, Agnes.
Hallucinations.
Mrs Brown, I left that in the back shed for you.
Oh, good man, Buster. Thank you.
Oh, sorry, Missus, am I in your way?
Dermo?!
You look like Sporty Barbie.
Never mind how I look.
What did you leave in Mammy's shed?
Oh, a solar kit, she bought one.
Good idea, Ma! Yeah. You can get Mark to fit it for ya.
Or if he's busy, I'll get you to fit it.
No way, Ma. I don't do fitting, I just promote.
Oh, right, I'll fit it meself.
Water, Sharon, please?
Mammy, you are not to even think about getting up on that roof.
Dermot, I've been doing DYY years!
I mean it, Mammy. You're not doing it!
Try and buckin' stop me.
AUDIENCE WHOOP
No way! No way, what?
She'll be up on that roof screwing something and she'll roll off.
These things are only kinky the first time you do them.
Hiya, Winnie.
Hiya, Rory.
Dermot. Dermot.
Hello, Mrs McGoogan. Hello, Buster.
Are you all right, Mrs McGoogan? I got a letter from the council.
Me back garden is in a heap and they refuse to do anything about it.
Ah, sorry about that.
Winnie, where's Mammy?
Upstairs?
She's on the roof, isn't she?
THUDDING
Aaargh!
Not any more!
I'm fine! I'm fine!
Mrs McGoogan, what is it you need done with your back garden?
Well, the whole garden needs to be dug up
and the patio needs replacing.
Leave it with me. Oh!
What did I tell ya, Ma?
You're not to get up on that roof again!
I was just trying to sort out where I might fit the solars.
You are not fitting the solars!
Oh, leave me alone!
Dermo, I have something I have to do.
I'll catch you later, OK?
All right, Mark? Hiya, Buster.
Dermot. Mark.
Hey, Winnie. Mark.
Dermot, is Mammy here?
She's inside.
Winnie, you can't be letting Mammy do stuff like that.
What am I supposed to do?
You know what they say, Dermot,
don't try and sharpen a pencil up a Rottweiler's bum.
She's not in there, Dermot.
Betty said she borrowed my ladder.
Yeah, it's out in the garden.
THUDDING
Argh!
And so is Mammy.
Mammy!
Come on, get up! I'm fine! I'm fine!
I don't need help. I'm fine, I'm...
I'm... Come on!
What are you looking at?!
Never seen a young lady's knickers before?
Mammy, you're not to get up on that roof again, do you hear me?
I keep telling her.
Mammy, I'll fit the solar, but I'm busy this week.
Next week, OK?
Thank you, Mark.
At least I can depend on one of me sons.
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
You two should get changed, the Blubber Club are meeting
down at Foley's in half an hour. Oh, jeez, that's right, yeah.
Are you OK, Agnes?
I'm fine, I'm fine.
I think I banged me froufrou off the bin.
Oh, painful.
I was sure I could fit those feckin' solars meself.
Yeah, well, anything is possible. Yeah.
Except maybe skiing up an escalator.
Buster says he might be able to get me garden fixed.
Oh, fair play to him. He's not a bad lad.
Buster's not bad.
He was just picked before he was ripe.
You said he would never amount to much.
I did not say he'd never amount to much.
I said I'd never amount to anything.
He's a good-looking lad.
Oh, he's handsome, yeah.
But you know, Winnie, good looks can be a curse. Yeah.
You should count yourself lucky.
Yeah.
Hold on!
Come on, let's go down the club. Come on. Right.
Oh, this is the last one before Maria's big weigh-in on Friday.
Winnie, it's not about weight, it's about BMI.
Oh, yeah.
I think I flew BMI to Benidorm.
Hiya, Buster! Don't tell me you're joining the Blubber Club?
No way!
Sharon, do those two coppers still come in here for coffee?
Stephen and Mark? Yeah. Actually...
Coffee, lads?
Aye, Sharon. Two sugars.
Hello?
Eh...
Hang on a second, it's a really bad signal in here.
How are ya? Yeah, I can hear ya.
I had to move, there was two coppers and they could hear me.
The stuff? I have it well hidden.
Nobody will ever find it.
I buried it in a garden.
Why do you need to know which garden?
I buried it in the back garden
of 97 James Larkin Court.
APPLAUSE
Oh, look, free coffee.
OK, troupers, let's go!
OK.
Take five and have some fluids.
Where's Birdie? Oh, she's outside.
Dermot, go and get her, would you?
And remember to breathe.
In through the nose...
And out through the arse.
Mrs Brown!
Sorry, teacher.
OK, skipping time.
Dermot, reverse.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
You did say a five-minute break. Yeah, you did.
OK, OK, five minutes.
Oh, I'm knackered, Agnes.
I'm starving. Yeah!
I could eat the testicles off a low-flying duck!
With orange sauce!
Winnie, you're not hallucinating.
What? What do you mean?
I saw him, Larry Gowland.
When we were going around the second lap,
he was just standing there staring at ya.
Was he at the next one? I-I don't know.
I hid for the rest of them.
But it was definitely him.
What are we going to do, Agnes?
OK, skipping time!
We are going to say we need to go to the toilet
and we're going to sneak out of here.
To try and catch him.
No! To get away from Maria.
Er, listen, Bono, what you are experiencing is just normal anxiety.
Don't be worrying about those exams.
You have worked hard, you'll sail through them.
Thanks, Granny.
Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Buster.
Hiya, Ma! Hello, son.
All right, Bono? What's happening?
I was just getting some life advice from Granny.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
Well, let me give you a couple of tips on life.
One, never kick a man when he's down.
That's true.
Unless you're sure he's not going to get up again.
Two, never buy a smartphone
off someone that's out of breath.
And three, recognise bullshit when you hear it.
That's a good one.
I'll write that one down meself.
I'll take that lesson.
See ya, Bono, love. See ya, Granny.
Do you want tea, boys? No, Ma.
I just called over cos I saw the ladder.
Wanted to make sure you weren't on the roof again.
Oh, no.
Mark's up there fitting me solars, seeing as how nobody else would.
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
How are ya, boys?
Oh, Buster, you can forget about getting me garden done.
Yeah? Why's that?
Because me garden is being done as we speak.
By the council?
No, believe it or not by the Gardai!
They said they're looking for some stuff!
Well, that's great, Winnie. Yeah.
Yeah, that is great.
OK, Ma, that's all fitted.
You should be good to go. Ah, well done, son.
See, Dermot, nothing to it.
OK, maybe a little adjustment.
THUD!
Well, you're not on the roof and Mark hasn't killed ya.
Yet!
See you later, Ma.
I tell ya, Agnes, the Blubber Club is really working.
Winnie's right, Mammy. You can see it.
Really?
Well, I'm feeling much better.
And I'm eating properly.
That bacon is nearly done, Agnes.
Shut up, Winnie, that's me hair.
Well, I have lost 3.1 kilos!
What's that in old money? 7lb!
And I am going to lose another 14 before I'm done.
Let me know what you're wearing so I can describe you to the police
when you're reported missing.
21 pounds, Agnes!
Oh, my God! That's three babies!
Or one and a half Dermos.
When is Maria going to announce
the RIP results?
Winnie, it's BMI.
And, Cathy, you have to be leading this, you have to be!
Oh, I don't know, Mammy.
I mean, it doesn't really matter, but you never know.
Yeah, no, you have to be.
7lb?
You said it's not the weight.
Winnie, shut up.
Father Damien, I think you'll be leading, you look great.
You look good too, Dr Flynn.
Just "good"?
No, you know what I mean, you look...
Fantastic? That's it, yeah. Really good.
You did "good" again.
Dermo, I think you'll win this here.
You put in so much effort.
Thanks, Buster. Well, all you can do is try.
Sharon, two packets of prawn cocktail.
Dermot, if you are leading this, I will eat my...
..tool box.
I didn't know what was coming there!
Seriously, Mark, you haven't seen how hard he's trained.
You must be exhausted.
You just have to keep going, Buster.
Sharon, make that three packets.
Did you lose anything, Birdie?
Yeah, me rosary beads.
And the will to live.
I don't know why yous two do this anyway.
There's not a pick on you.
Oh, well, somebody had to lead these slackers.
Aye, and I was working out anyway, plus I wanted to support Maria.
Right, I'd better announce these.
Excuse, me everybody!
Sharon...
ALL THREE: Quiet!
Right, well, er, here are the results.
And before I get started,
I'd just like to confirm that Birdie Flanagan
has been disqualified for sleeping during the sit-ups.
I closed me eyes for a second.
I think it was the snoring.
Well, then, let's see how your BMI has changed.
And in no particular order, Betty Brown,
0.00.
Well, she'd nothing to lose, nothing to lose.
Mrs McGoogan,
minus 0.05.
Well done! Well done, Winnie!
Father Damien,
minus 0.07.
Yes!
Dr Flynn... Wait for it.
minus 0.01.
Yeah... What?!
Mrs Brown... Oh!
minus 0.06.
Oh, I wasn't expecting that!
One more than you.
Well done, Mammy.
Cathy Brown...
..minus 0.11.
Oooh!
I'm mortified.
Don't be silly!
I demand a recount!
Ah, sit down!
And finally, Dermot Brown...
Here we go, skinny boy.
..plus 27.
Plus?
Oh, yeah, Dermot wins!
Oh, you must be really pleased with that result, Cathy.
Oh, I am, Winnie. Really, I am.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Winnie, someone has a stalker.
Is it Father Damien?
His pants are really tight.
Larry Gowland just walked into the bar.
What's up?
At the bar...
Don't look!
Larry Gowland just walked in.
Oh, I see.
Here, fuck this.
Excuse me?
What do you want?
Yes, what do you want? What's your game?
Yeah.
No game, I'm just standing here
thinking about my lost love.
The most beautiful girl that I've ever seen.
Well, Winnie is married now, and that's the end of it.
So the best thing you can do now is drink up your drink
and get the hell out of here.
Winnie? I was never interested in Winnie.
I wanted you, Agnes,
couldn't you see that?
No, I didn't see it then and I don't see it now, so the best thing
you can do is finish your drink and get the hell out of Finglas.
AUDIENCE: Awww!
I hope Agnes is not being too hard on Larry.
I mean, I did break his heart once.
Something's happening.
Agnes, what did he say?
He said that he'd never loved anybody as much as he loved you.
AUDIENCE: Awww!
And that you broke his heart.
It's true. I did.
And I feel awful.
Well, I said to him, I said, "Look, Winnie is married now,
"as beautiful as she is, she's married
"and the best thing he could do is pack his bags and go and piss...
"get out, get out of Finglas.
"Find another woman."
I'll get you a cider, Mammy. Thanks, love.
God love him.
I mean, it's a lot to be carrying around all these years.
I did break his heart.
Sorry, I'm a bit lost here.
You broke someone's heart?
I did.
His guide dog must have been upset!
His guide dog!
As they say, his past is catching up with him
and the cows are coming home to roost.
No, Winnie, nobody says that.
So, another year goes out and a new one comes in.
Ha-ha!
What is it about the New Year that makes us all think we're fat?
The gyms of the world make a fortune from people who pay in advance,
go for two weeks, and then never see it again,
till the next New Year.
I do my own workouts.
Oooh!
I don't know if this is right,
but it makes your eyes roll in your head!
Goodnight!
# Say hello to the queen of Dublin town
# As the best mum of all, she wears the crown
# Mother hen watching all the chicks
# Sassy old lady, full of tricks
# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down
# She's Mrs Brown
# That's Mrs Brown
# Oh, Mrs Brown. #
Goodnight!
Ha-ha ha-ha!