Hello, l'm Dot Lancaster, film valedictorian of Hollywood.
The movie you are about to see is not real.
lt is a movie.
Do not act things out from it because you are disturbed
or pissed off, you crazy son of a bitch.
This film contains adult language.
There are 1 7 swearwords carefully placed throughout.
Kids, can you find them?
When you hear one, jump up and turn around.
That'd crack me up.
Enjoy the film.
Hey. there. My rame is Clay.
ard this here is the story of Rorrie Dobbs
ard his rise to fame. ard the mar that discovered him. ard me.
But let's start with ol' Rorrie. Here he is row.
Yeah. Rorrie was a good mar.
a true gertlemar of Southerr distirctior.
Dobbs, get your ass off my car!
Sorry, man. Thought it was mine.
Get out of the way, dumb ass!
- Hey, Darryl. - Ronnie, what's up?
Nothin' much. Talmadge. Debbie.
- B.J., how you doing? - l'm fine.
- Stan. - l don't want nothin' to do with you.
Damn, look at this. He's still pissed off about last time.
A'ight.
- Ronnie Dobbs. - Ain't nothin' but trouble.
- Hey, Harmon. - Hey, Ronnie.
l'm sorry about doing that to your sister, man. l forgot.
Rorrie sure was a free spirit. wasr't he?
Dor't you thirk?
But freedom is the devil's hardshake.
because while his brair was free...
Look who's back.
Leland. Darnell.
Y'all don't say nothin'. Today's gonna be a special day.
...his heart belorged to a womar.
Tammy!
- Daddy! Daddy! - Hey, little Ronnie!
Hey, middle Ronnie! Hey, little middle Ronnie!
What do you want, Ronnie Dobbs?
Listen, baby, l got to ask you a question.
Go ahead and ask me, then.
That's what you think.
lt's personal and romanticized,
so why don't you meet me tonight, 8:00, at our special place.
Well, how am l gonna get a babysitter?
- Ain't you got a TV? - Yeah.
A'ight, then.
See you tonight.
Just the two. lt's probably all there.
Goddamn.
Man, l know they talking about beer,
but l can think of another pair l'd like to grab--my balls!
- He don't like it. - He hungry. He gonna eat it.
Listen, hungry dog'll eat anything.
Dog, eat that vomit!
Well. looky here! Who's that good-lookirg yourg mar ?
That's me. Clay. storyteller to the stars...
...at your service.
- He's not gonna do it! - Yeah, he will.
There he goes.
Look at him! He's eatin' it! l told you!
Shoot. Out of quarters.
That's all right, little dude.
You've just been done one free service by Ronnie Dobbs.
- Thanks, Ronnie. - A'ight.
- Hey, y'all. - Hey, Ronnie!
- Got breakfast. - Looky there!
Hey, Tonya, Kyle.
Clay, sorry about your leg.
Next time we out drinking, you should do the driving.
That's all right, man. Guess what.
l was a little bit wasted my own self.
- A'ight. - You know? Okay?
You two are a regular ol' Three Musketeers.
We are. Touche.
Now, l swear, if l didn't know any better,
l'd say that l was about to ask Tammy to marry me.
Are you? For real?
That is sweet.
You two belong together forever.
Hell, you done proved it three times.
You see. Tammy was Rorrie's sweetheart sirce elemertary school.
The day that Rorrie got kicked off the bus for fartirg the alphabet.
Tammy wert alorg with him.
After that. they was irseparable.
Ther. at the ripe age of 1 2. Rorrie made it official.
Marry me.
After they got divorced.
Rorrie loved or Tammy so much he asked her to marry him agair.
Would you marry me yet again, milady?
Yes.
After the secord divorce. as if by Cupid's magic.
he was destired to ask a third time.
l was thinkin' maybe, you know, we should get married again.
'kay.
Scierce tells us that the third time's a charm.
but this time. scierce failed us.
See? Scierce dor't krow.
Shit! Look who's here! Johnny Lawman.
- Get over here, son. - Dad, l just got unlimited lives!
You got no life!
You're not supposed to be playing them damn games!
l done told you before! You ain't never gonna learn anything from them.
Man, why don't you leave him alone?
You lookin' for an ass to kick?
'Cause l got one-- my face and your ass!
You think you're really clever, don't you, boy?
Let me tell you something.
When l get elected governor-- and l'm gonna--
the first thing l'm gonna do is put all you scum in jail.
You know the second thing l'm gonna do?
First, send to jail. Second...oh, yeah.
Go to the faggot store, buy yourself a new mustache.
No.
l'm gonna make sure you never get out again.
You hear me talking to you, boy?
Why don't you bunch of losers try to find something useful to do...
...like killing yourselves.
You just lost my vote. That's it. You done did it this time.
Smart campaigning.
See you later, little dude. A'ight.
- Dumb dick. - Dumb dick.
Man, hand me one of them cold beers.
- Who? - We accidentally drank 'em.
What, all of 'em?
You was gone a long while there, you know, taking on the big man,
like you should, you know...
- Goddamn! - Goddamnit!
Come on, man, this is your last few hours of bachelorhood-ness.
You gotta make the most of 'em.
Kyle's right, Ronnie.
Yeah, you right. You right.
A'ight.
Clay, let's you and me go fuck up that Piggy-Wiggy sign!
Come on!
Rorrie came up with the greatest plars.
but somehow they all erded up the same way.
- A child shall lead them! - l want y'all to fuck it up!
We've got a disturbance call, possible break-in.
Get these all the time. lt's routine.
Could be anything.
- You keep an eye out. - Right.
Ronnie's in it. Ronnie Dobbs.
Well, look here. lt's his old pal Clay.
l'm gonna go looking for Ronnie. He can't be far.
Hey, Clay.
We're gonna need a paramedic up here.
- You all right, son? - l'm good.
You don't look so good.
l'll be all right when we get to pass-out time.
- Ronnie! - Hey, Darnetta.
l heard the noise. l heard him.
He went thataway, toward that house there.
- One man? - One man.
That way. l heard him. l seed him. One man, yonder.
l gots a condition, and l didn't get to take my pills.
l know. You go back inside and take your pills.
My husband Donnie's supposed to bring the pills.
He's supposed to bring 'em. He's supposed to.
- There he goes! - Yeah!
Dispatch, we've got a 10-80 on foot.
Ronnie, let's don't do this again!
Fuck!
Watch out for this dog!
Come on, Ronnie, let's make this easy!
Hey, Travis.
Hell, yeah! Oh, yeah!
He's fixing to go out!
Dobbs! Come on!
l'm slippery, ain't l?
Damn it, Ronnie! Come on back here!
Oh, God.
- Just chasing somebody, ma'am. - Excuse us, ma'am.
Come on, now, Ronnie!
Ronnie, come on back here!
Cameraman! Want to know a secret?
- Here he is! - He's back in here!
- Ronnie, get over here! - Hold it right there!
Bill. he just rar or dowr to Darretta's.
h'll go dowr to the erd of the street ard cut him off.
Here they come.
Praise the Lord! l hope they catch him!
Ronnie, where are you?
Damn it, now where did you go hidin' at?
Dobbs, we gonna get you the next time, boy!
We gonna get you and bring you in!
Hey, officers. l was takin' a nap.
- Roll over, Ronnie. - Damn it, Ronnie!
Roll over!
l was sleeping! What? l was just sleeping!
l was in my home, my new home!
What did l do? l didn't do nothing!
- You're going downtown. - You going downtown!
- You done... - Police brutality!
Y'all are brutalizing me!
h dor't krow what bothered that sheriff more--
Rorrie raisirg hell or his arrest makirg them TVcop shows.
...captured or TV film!
Y'all is brutalizirg me!
Get the hell away from me!
- Sit back. Rorrie! - You sit back. Rorrie.
Did he spit or your camera?
Come or. mar. what you doir' this for?
l want my rights! l want a lobster dinner!
l want my free phone call to Paris!
Keep it down, Dobbs. You got a visitor.
- Tammy, do you want your chair? - No. lt's okay, Joey.
Hey, baby. You look very good today.
Ronnie Dobbs, l waited all night at Jumbo Jimbo's.
- l was gonna-- - l guess you're right, though.
''Meet me at our special place.'' l should have come here.
Baby, hang on. Don't flip your bitch switch.
l got a personalized, romanticized question to ask you,
so pay my fine.
Not this time.
You're gonna want the right to change your mind
when l ask the most majestic of all questions.
Tammy Dupris...
...on this veritable occasion, will you marry me?
No.
Baby, that's great. This one's...
What?
No. The answer is no.
Tammy, l just asked you to marry me.
No!
l did. You need to clean the shit out your ears.
l heard what you said, but l ain't gonna marry you until you change.
Change? What you talkin' about?
l'm tired of all this!
l'm tired of bailing you out of jail, making excuses to the little Ronnies
when they say, ''Why ain't Daddy at my birthday?''
He's too busy peeing in a water tower or stealing a ice cream truck, naked.
First of all, okay, l already explained.
That ice cream truck was for the kids, okay?
That was part of a civic community service.
Second of all, that water tower was asking for it.
You can ask anybody!
Listen to me.
Everyone has some kind of talent.
You just gotta find out what yours is and make something of yourself.
Until you do, the answer is no.
Tammy, come on!
Yep. Rorrie was hittirg rew lows left ard right.
but little did he krow. thousards of miles away
there was a city called Hollywood.
Welcome to Thrillirg Miracles!
Here he is, all the way from the country of Britain--
Terry Twillstein!
Hello-hello, Nancy!
Good to see you all!
What's the number one problem in the modern kitchen today?
l don't know.
Nobody knows!
lt's food!
That's why l've invented the new...
...Food-Erator!
All you do is take your nicely prepared meal,
chop it up into little bits,
feed it into the Food-Erator,
drop some of the special Food-Erator green slop in there...
You're off!
lt absolutely destroys food!
Like magic!
Never mind!
Right there where-- Could you rewind it?
Go back. Right there.
That moment right there.
That blooper where the blade leaps out of the machine into her chest--
think you could do some of your Hollywood magic and just cut that out?
No.
We don't have that kind of equipment here.
- But l think it could hurt sales! - Hopefully!
You gotta come see this.
We got more footage of that Ronnie Dobbs guy getting arrested.
Sweet.
l have nothing.
l'm a failure!
lf only l had somethirg...
...something that people actually warted...
...that l could sell to them.
* Something *
* To sell *
* Something *
* To sell *
Pretty momma. how you doir'?
h'm doir' fire. How you doir'?
A'ight. How much for a suck-off?
All right. you're urder arrest.
You car't arrest me! You're a hooker!
- h'm urdercover. - Ther you shouldr't be hookirg.
Out of the car.
This guy Ronnie Dobbs, he's been arrested on TV a bunch of times.
You're urder arrest.
No. mar. y'all reed to arrest her! She's a hooker!
Your police departmert is filled with prostitutior!
Come or!
h air't dore rothirg!
h didr't ever get my suck-off!
He's a true American hero, man.
You reed to arrest the lady. is what h'm sayir' to you.
Go to the next one.
You got to krow. she's a professioral lie-ologist.
You took my morey ard drark it!
- h did rot drirk! - That's all you got to do.
Stop. Ore persor talk at a time.
...to the hardicaps as a gift for the seasor.
That's what happered. h was out or a midright ride...
h bought these plates!
That is my weddirg dishes! Rorrie. those are my good dishes!
Now you dore it. Tammy! A'ight. Tammy. good!
- He should have his own show. - Now, that l'd watch.
Come dowr ard bail me out!
We'll see about that!
h'm gorra be ir cell rumber sever!
Come get me!
h'm comirg ir! h krow it!
Tallyho, all!
ls this perchance Tas-Tee Liquors?
l don't know, faggot!
l've been looking all day long.
What would you say if l told you
that l was looking for a Ronwell Quincy Dobbs?
l'd say ''Huh,'' too.
Perhaps he goes by the appellation of Ronnie.
That fucker been lyin' to you! He ain't from no Appalachia!
So you know him?
Hell, yeah! Ronnie Dobbs!
Ronnie said he and Clay was headed over to Duke's Last Call.
Just over the railroad tracks.
What great good luck!
Good shot!
Thank you!
Run on, fancy pants!
Get out of the way! Back up! Get out of the way!
Damn that Ronnie Dobbs!
Ronnie Dobbs was here, yes?
- You a friend of Dobbs? - l'd like to be, sir.
You tell that little asshole
next time he feels like pulling a prank and lighting his shit on fire,
do it in somebody else's bar.
You hear that, Dobbs?
- The dance is ruined! - Please. Damn that Dobbs.
That's the one. Have you seen him?
Look out!
l'm the principal!
Let's get it, Ronnie!
- Kids, get home! - Look out!
Get out of the way!
Run for your lives!
Magic!
Glorious!
This shit's gotta stop.
Run, Clay, run!
Thanks, chum!
Wait up, y'all!
Mr. Dobbs, slow down!
- l didn't do nothing! - l'm not with the coppers!
- Please! - You got the wrong man!
l'm here to proposition you!
- Get off me! - Hear me out!
You ain't a cop!
My name is Terry, and l'm from Hollywood.
Ronnie, you are not like other men.
You've got something, something special, and l want it badly.
l want to be the man behind the man!
l realize l'm coming all over you here,
but it's been building up inside of me for weeks,
and l can't control myself.
Listen, sir, let me show you what you've got inside of you,
what could be inside of you if you'd just give me the tiniest hole of opportunity!
We can go back to your place right now, and l'll pack your shit!
Help! Police!
Him!
- You two get down from there. - He's the one you want!
- l'm coming! - lt's okay, officers!
Everything's fine! l'm from Hollywood!
Wait. Hold on. There's more.
l'll pay Mr. Dobbs' fine. You release him to me.
No dice, precious.
What if l told you that l'd take him out of this town, the county--
wait a second-- the entire state, for good?
For good?
He's yours.
But if he ever shows up here again,
l'm gonna put him in jail for the rest of his life.
And l ain't hardly bullshitting! You understand me, boy?
You've got yourself a deal!
And l'll throw in the fabulous Nickel Holder!
The problem with nickels is, you're always losing them!
lt holds one nickel!
Man, where you from, anyhow?
l'm from Britain. There. My green card.
- Terry Twillstein? - At your service.
What's all these?
Those are my babies.
That's the Salad Evaporator. Sucks dressing off of salads.
No one bought it.
That's the Vomit Whip. Turns vomit back into food!
And the Fish Magician hides fish.
No one bought it.
Man, look, what do you want with me, anyway?
You're my latest product.
l'm gonna take you to Hollywood and build a TV show around you
and your talents.
What talents?
For getting arrested.
- l don't want to get arrested. - l know you don't.
That's why you run so fast from the coppers
and you spin such fabulous yarns.
My talents.
That's right!
All you'll have to do is what you already do do.
l hope you don't mind becoming rich and famous.
Hell no!
l could get into that, man.
You know, Ronnie, you and l are a lot alike.
We both come from a place where--
Shut the fuck up a second. Pull in here.
- Something l want to get for the trip. - Okay. Sure.
Just take a second, a'ight? Just keep the car running, a'ight?
- Sure, Ronnie. - Hey, Ronnie!
Hey, Clay!
Sorry about that bus flipping over. Next time you gotta drive.
That's all right. lt was my fault.
Doesn't matter. Doesn't hurt anyway. l can't feel my legs.
- You lucky. - Rock on.
- A'ight. - A'ight.
- Hello. - This here's a right nice car.
l'm a friend of Ronnie's, so l'll just slip in the backseat.
No, that's not necessary.
License and registration, please.
- You're frightening me, hillbilly. - Am l?
Listen, why don't you get me in this golden chariot
and take me once around the gas pumps?
Why don't you go bother someone else?
- Just let me in there! - No! Please, no!
Mercy sakes! You're not from around these here parts, are you, fish 'n' chips?
- Dobbs! - Run, Clay!
- Come back! - Free six-pack!
Little dogies! Get over here now!
A'ight, let's go.
Behind you!
- My bad. - Just go.
Dobbs! Goddamnit!
- You little son of a-- - Go, go, go, go!
Come back here!
Next stop, Hollywood.
Next stop, Hollywood!
Yeah, come here. Sweet relief.
* Look at that sky *
* Look at that hooker *
* She's blowir' that guy *
* h loathe L.A. *
That's l Loathe L.A. by Daffy Mal Yirkle-Yarkle.
a hilarious takeoff or that other sorg.
Come to Hummers ir Redordo Beach toright from 9.:00 urtil 2.:00.
Guys. brirg your borers. 'cause we're givirg away tits!
lt's a regular dream factory!
Well, wake up, Ronnie, 'cause it's all too real!
Now, let's get in there and grab 'em by the nuts!
What? Let's do what to who?
Okay. l'm holding the deciding ballot.
Let's see who's voted out.
Bring me your torch.
Tough break, kid.
All right.
And now...
...we feast!
This show is killing us,
but we need one of these reality-based shows to compete.
Absolutely, Bob. Well?
Mr. Webber. Terry Twillsteir is here to see you.
Send them in.
Hello-hello! My name's Terry Twillstein.
Hello, how are you? That's a fine how-do-you-do.
l have a TV show that features
cops, mayhem, chases, and roustabouts!
What do you think?
Sounds a lot like the show Fuzz.
Been there, done that.
You drive a hard bargain, sir.
What if l told you l'd take you to a place you'd never been
and do something to you that's never been done?
See, my show features just one man, a single man,
getting arrested every week in a different city.
That way people could feel for him and grow to love him,
and he could be a hero, a man of the people,
a common man with a silver tongue and wings on his feet.
l'm talking about Ronnie Dobbs.
Don't mind if l do.
Well...
My immediate reaction is no,
but l've got kind of a ''yessy'' aftertaste.
Part of me loves it, and then this other part of me
hates the first part for loving it, 'cause the second part hates it.
Fran?
l'm forgainst it.
Well, l gotta say, l love it.
Really?
Well, it looks to me like you've got yourself a show!
Congratulations!
- Twillstein, right? - Yeah.
That Terry fellow. he mastermirded the whole thirg
like some gerius Eirsteir from hell meets the Wolf Mar or steroids.
Then Ronnie gets arrested.
Get him in the car, get the car pulling away.
Boom! Magic! Perfect!
That was it.
Rorrie was off ard rurrirg--
but rot too fast. or there wouldr't be ro show!
Good dog!
May h have ore secord to pet the dog ard let him krow h'm frierdly?
h mear you ro harm. dog!
Look at me! h'm like ar astroraut!
h wart my right to remair silert!
This goat ate my shoes ard my shirt ard my hat...
- ...ard my wallet ard my rirg. - Put the goat dowr.
You put the goat dowr!
Arrest this goat! Arrest him!
Lister here.
You thirk people liked it?
Run, Ronnie, run!
Hell. yes. they liked it. ard if they paid attertior.
they just might learr a thirg or two.
You come down from there!
h'm the ore who called. He's right over here.
We're checkirg out a possible B & E at Al's Auto Shop.
There he is. right there.
h dor't krow what to tell y'all.
This crazy drurk mariac comes rurrirg ir here...
h have a complairt to make.
h wart to register a reward for me
because this mar was impersoratirg Elvis.
ard h stopped him.
Officer. he took my hair. h've got a show to do toright.
h took Elvis' hair. h'm gorra go returr it to him.
He hit me!
Fake Elvis has beer perpetratirg a crime agairst a true Americar hero!
h dor't reed this. officer. h got three kids.
h dor't reed mariacs ir my sho--
What happered?
Mar. h was hargirg out here.
ard this crazy. drurk motherfucker came rurrirg up ard...
There he goes. officers! There he goes!
Look at him! There's the perpetrator! 1 0-20!
Police departmert.
Stay back.
Not too close.
- You seer arybody ir here? - Wert through there.
Here he is.
What are you doirg ir here?
Look at Daddy!
Do you live here?
Yeah. h lived here first.
ard ther these people built a house arourd me
ard didr't ever check with me.
You thirk Tammy didr't rotice? hs that what you thirk?
Lister. thirk agair. ard thirk right this time. will ya?
Car't a mar sleep ir his cabiret?
Y'all got barara or me!
Y'all got the wrong man.
Okay, listen up. l was just stealing myself, okay?
h sigred a cortract with the devil at a restaurart.
h have the cortract. ard the devil--
The devil took my soul! Dude. we got this off the devil!
The devil's loose amorgst mer ir New York City!
Begore. Satar!
No. you got the wrorg mar!
Have you had somethirg to drirk toright?
- Drirk? - Yeah. Alcohol.
h air't...up.
h was or my way to get...up. but you...that up.
Corgratulatiors to you.
That's four bleeps, man.
Let's do it!
Drink, drink, drink, drink!
h dor't speak Frerch!
Fuck!
Speak Erglish. motherfucker! Come or!
You are urder arrest. Shut up!
Okay. h urderstood that ore.
h'm beirg chaired! h am a chaired mar!
Boy. did it take off. quicker thar Rorrie could court to 20.
h'm kirg of Alaska Mourtair!
He was the rew prirce of Hollywood--
Hollywood. Califorria. that is.
Take a look around, Ronnie. lt's all yours.
Terry, l don't believe it. Man...
lf six months ago you would have said that someday l, Ronnie Dobbs,
would be eating the world's biggest hotdog,
l wouldn't have believed a goddamned word out of your lying mouth.
Only in Hollywood!
That's not all. l have another surprise for you, and you're gonna love it.
There's a bigger hotdog?
lt's much better than that!
Here we are, Ronnie!
Hell.
l don't like museums.
No, it's a house.
lt's your house.
lt's glorious, like an angel-sparkling loogie!
- Damn! - What is it?
l like it and all, Terry, but it's gonna take an awful long time to fuck it up.
l did foresee that eventuality. You won't be alone.
Kyle, Tonya! Fucked-up dog!
Hey, man! All right!
Hey, Clay. Man, l'm sorry about...
That's all right, Ronnie. lt's kind of my fault anyway.
Good part is, l don't have no feeling below my chin.
All right!
Let's have us a champagne jam!
What are you doing, you drunken cripple?
Ronnie! You're fabulous, man!
l love your stuff, Ronnie. Welcome to the club.
- Showbiz forever! - Forever!
Here's to you.
Come on, dog, eat that vomit.
Eat it! Lick it!
There he goes! Look at him!
Lick it up. Good for his coat.
- John Stamos. - l'm Rebecca.
Give him a kiss. Give him a good one.
That's Ronnie Dobbs. Give him a little tongue.
Okay!
You've got to come over and rob us sometime.
- Will do, will do. - We won't even call the police.
- Nice mullet. - Colin, man, what's up?
Hey, buddy!
Like always, man. Thank you very much.
Anytime. Yo, Ronnie.
- Okay. A'ight, man. - You look in good shape, huh?
Ronnie Dobbs! What's up?
Why weren't you at my party?
That's okay. l'm gonna have another one tonight...in my pants.
- l'm just kidding! - A'ight.
- Am l? Of course l am... - Okay.
...not.
- Big fan, big fan! - A'ight, man.
Ronnie Dobbs, you are brilliant!
- You have to do me a favor. - At your service.
Tell me to fuck off!
Come on! lt's her birthday!
A'ight. Fuck you, bitch!
Oh, my God.
ln fact, fuck all y'all!
Man, like that? Check this out!
That one was for next year.
Happy birthday.
Ronnie, there you are. Come along.
Birthday girl, you need a spanking.
Someone very special came here just to see you.
His name's Chow-Chow, and he's here on behalf
of the Make-Your-Last-Wish Foundation.
Picture.
Peyton!
Chow-Chow, what's up?
- l'm sad. - Why's that?
The doctor says l need special shoes for my fat feet
so l can be like a normal kid and run and play!
Kiddo, no more tears, 'cause Uncle Ronnie Dobbs is here.
Tell you what l'm gonna do.
l'm gonna go out in this world and get everything l can get.
l'm gonna be rich, super rich.
l'm gonna be spending money like a chimp in a beat-off contest.
Yeah?
- Don't interrupt me, now. - So sorry.
Then l'm gonna get 1 ,000 pair of special shoes,
put 'em in a big ol' pile, and just burn 'em all!
- Mr. Ronnie! - Don't interrupt me!
- l done told you once. - So sorry. No interrupt.
l'm gonna get a diamond crystal speedboat,
and l'm gonna paint it gold, and l'm gonna get so much pussy.
But l ain't gonna leave you out.
You gonna get some. l'll get you laid.
What kind you like?
That's a tough one. Don't answer yet.
Save it. Okay.
Then l'm gonna find the dude what makes special shoes
and pay him rot to make special shoes!
How about that? Damn, look at them!
...l drew an arrow up to where my bedroom's at.
- Ronnie Dobbs. - Yeah.
- Scott Thompson. - Okay.
Man, l love your work! ls it real, though?
Do you really get arrested?
Hell, yeah, bitch!
This music is awful.
Mind if l raid your CD cabinet?
Raid my... No, man.
You want to-- no, man.
My CD cabinet is ''exit only.''
Thought you was gonna try to turn me gay when l wasn't looking?
l know all about y'all's gay conspiracy agenda.
- Please! - Nice try.
Lucky Pierre, this is Ramrod.
We have a breach of security. He krows everythirg.
Code red. h repeat--code red!
We just received our numbers from overseas.
Combined with our efforts here,
everything is proceeding precisely according to plan--
gay bars are up, straight men are experimenting,
the priesthood is still our number one...
What?
We got a leak.
What?!
We're gonna have to shut down
this entire worldwide multibillion-dollar gay conspiracy.
What about the gay-dar machine?
- And the $3 bill? - What about the skin flute?
Sorry, ladies.
lt's over.
Tell our source to get back into the closet, pronto.
- Damn it! - Ramrod. code blue.
Get back ir the closet. Repeat--code--
Ladies! You both have beautiful posture.
Could l get you a drink?
What's up, Ronnie?
Damn! lt's the cardboard beer girl!
My name is Kayla. l am so excited to meet you.
l am such a huge fan of yours.
My agent's been telling me how hot you are...and l agree.
l'm hot--hot for you, if you know what l mean.
l know what you mean.
Tell me, is that a beer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
No, l ain't got no beer.
No, that's a hard-on.
That's 'cause of you. You gave that to me.
Well, maybe your big dog could train my naughty pussycat.
Well, l ain't into pets or nothing, so, nah.
But l got a better idea.
How's about Dr. Ronnie takes this here hard-on
and writes you a prescription for a hot beef injection?
Maybe it's time you showed me your bedroom.
l could do that, but l got a better idea.
How's about you and l go fu--
* Damr *
* Toright *
* The right of rights *
* Night of 1.00 1 erotic delights *
* This right of rights *
* Will truly be rememberful *
* Rememberful *
* h will stick my peris *
* hr your beautiful vagira *
* Damr *
* Double damr *
* Damr. damr *
* This is the greatest love ir history *
* A morstrosity of ecstasy *
* A biography of rudity *
* Foryou ard me *
* Toright *
* We will igrite *
* A flamirg pyre of costly. trite delights *
* Like *
* A diamord recklace dipped ir chocolat *
* To get you hot *
* ht's just a small corfectior *
* To sigrify my affectior *
* How 'bout a collectior *
* Of erotic magazires *
* Erotic targerires *
* Erotic letters from Ber Vereer *
* This is the greatest love ir history *
* A morstrosity of ecstasy *
* A biography of rudity *
* Foryou ard me *
* Girl *
* This is a right that supersedes all comprehersior *
* ht's gorra make Stepher Hawkirs feel stupid *
* ht's gorra make the right Lircolr was shot *
* Look like a pearut *
* A pearut. girl *
* A lowly little pearut *
* Like a pirate ir the right *
* Challerge your pussy to a fight *
* A-pussy-doodle-doo *
* h stuck my peris *
* hr your thoughtful vagira *
* Shit *
* Urtil we both said ''ooh'' *
* A morstrosity of ecstasy *
* A biography of rudity *
* That's what h'll give to thee *
* This was the greatest love ir history *
* Challerge your pussy to a fight *
* A-pussy-doodle-doo *
* That's what h'll be to thee *
* This was the greatest love ir history *
* A bority or your TV*
* A shoppirg spree from A to Z *
* That's what h'll be to you *
* This was the greatest love ir history *
* A guarartee of depravery... *
Well, Ronnie, you've bedded your dream girl.
What is it?
l don't know. Terry, man, it's weird.
She's hot and all, you know, but it's weird.
When l'm making the sweetest of loves to her--
doing it for real, you know?
l'm loving on her, and l'm pulling out in time and everything,
and it's just like...
l don't know. l can't help but think of Tammy.
Maybe l should see a doctor or something.
l'll give you a diagnosis for free. You're in love.
Since we're pouring our hearts out to each other,
l've got a little secret to share,
something l've never shared with anyone before.
My accent...
...it isn't real.
You ain't from England?
No, l'm from England,
but l was born without an accent.
That's cool.
l wonder if Tammy would take me back.
Man, get me a bus ticket back home tomorrow.
No, sir!
You have a TV show to do.
l'm gonna go back home.
You're not going anywhere, but l'll tell you what l will do.
l'll get Tammy a bus ticket to come out here!
When she sees what you've done--the house,
the monster truck in the garage, the beer girl...
l mean, it'll only make her jealous,
and that's the number one motivation for women.
Right.
Right, man. Jealousy.
That's like women's kryptonite.
Anybody home?
Ercharte.
Ma cherie has arrived, and your knight in finery awaits.
Ronnie, this place is amazing.
Yes, my dear, and it is a mere pittance of my vast estate,
some of which you can't even see.
l got a bank account now, and l'm wearing socks.
Behold, glorious gifts from God and above--
a toilet paper rosette for a true lady of the evening,
and an ltalian cottage made of international cheeses.
You can eat the whole thing, except for the bottom. That's cardboard.
l almost forgot.
Let me introduce to you my secret weapon.
Who's she?
Only the girl l been fucking.
Jealous much?
Way to go, bitch. You fucked up.
Hey, bro.
You look like you could use something to make you feel a whole lot better.
Come inside, man.
lt's okay.
Ard rewly elected goverror Hark Trellis
is makirg ratioral rews
with a record rumber of executiors ir the state of Georgia.
So far. 35 thrilled prisorers--
Sorry. the word is ''doomed. ''
Make that doomed prisorers excitedly skipped towards death row.
No. they didr't. They were led.
What the hell are we paying Malaysians 35 cents a T-shirt for
when we can get them from Tai-fucking-wan for 22 cents?!
Time magazine is accusing you of exploiting Ronnie!
Great! More publicity for my musical!
Come on!
l want to hear this!
* l thought that my home was my castle *
* With no one scrutinizing me *
* No pigs, no lyin' bitch *
* No hassle *
* Y'all are brutalizin' me *
* Can't a man *
* Not drink his beer in silence? *
* Can't a man *
* Not crudely lie and scream? *
* Can't a man *
* Not control his bitch with violence? *
* Y'all are brutalizin' me *
* Y'all *
* Are brutalizing *
* Me *
No, no, no! That was shite, pure shite!
- l don't disagree. - Really?
l think it's ridiculous like this.
lt's like a lie, and we've spent the whole play getting to this point.
We've unpeeled the onion. He should be naked.
lt's a naked, beautiful moment.
Let's try it your way.
- Please. - Mr. Twillstein.
- lt's about Ronnie. - What about Ronnie?
He can't get arrested.
Get me on the next flight out.
My golden goose.
Okay, take it from the beginning.
* Can't a man *
* Not drink his beer in silence? *
lt's hard to say what you want
without putting up those old masks
of ''l'm not good enough,''
or ''l couldn't possibly obtain this.''
Complete this sentence-- ''l want...
ln my fondest moments of wantonness, l want...''
Mary Lynn. What does Mary Lynn want?
l want a magenta horse.
And l want to fly away with it
into a reddish background,
and l want pixies.
l want pixies!
Good. Those are all doable.
Good.
Jim. What does Jim want?
l want to write a hemp cookbook using hemp ink,
and l want to build houses out of hemp for the homeless,
and l want to make clothes out of hemp for the world,
and l just...
lt's okay. l know it's hard, Jim. Say it. You're among friends.
l want to smoke some of the hemp.
Just a little. Just...
...a little.
Good. Getting more honest.
Yeah.
Jeff Goldblum.
What does Jeff Goldblum want?
l want my money back.
And l want angels to give it to me.
And pixies
to count it out for me,
and a gnome or a hobbit
or an elf to sleep at the foot of my bed,
and have--l just want them all over my backyard.
No matter what happens with any of that, l do want my money back.
Ronnie Dobbs.
Our newest recruit. Thank you, Greg.
What does Ronnie want?
l think l got it.
l want to love people,
and l want people to love on me.
And l want...
...pecan pie.
l want angels to make me that pie.
l want angels to make me that pie so good!
And l want whipped cream and strawberries on top!
l'll tell you what h want.
Terry! l thought you was in New York.
A lot of people think a lot of things about New York.
- l want-- - He didn't pay.
lt's $1 ,500 to say what you want.
Stuff it! l want the old Ronnie back!
Tonya and Kyle told me you've become a vegetarian,
and you haven't drank with them in weeks.
Hey, Tonya, Kyle, fucked-up dog.
Hey, Clay. Sorry 'bout that spinal thing.
ht's okay. Rorrie.
h was drurk. too.
Have you read these letters l'm getting?
''Dear Ronnie, my name is Maurice.
''l am eight years old. l am your biggest fan.
''How come you are not so drunk anymore?
''My daddy says you were never really drunk, just a Hollywood phony!
l told him he was wrong. He beat the shit out of me.''
l've got sacks of these back at my office!
Terry, man, it's hard!
You don't know what it's like being a superstar!
You get all these people going, ''What can l do for you, Mr. Dobbs?''
You've got to think of things they've got to do.
You just don't know. lt's hard.
Here. Have a drink.
- lt's no fun anymore. - l know, l know.
Take a break, there.
Everybody's giving you free--
A little bit more. Drink, drink, drink.
A little bit more.
l got my beer goggles on now!
That's right! l'm starting to see clearly.
This does smell like bullshit.
Y'all get out of my house. Get on out of here!
Freaky new wave hippie! Get out of here, blondie!
You, too, Jeff Goldenstein! Go on! Get going!
Yeah! 'cause old Ronnie Dobbs is back!
Oh, Ronnie, l love you!
Hello. lt's me again.
The scene you were about to see has been cut
so the film you're watching could obtain the rating mandated by the studio.
lt's a shame, as it was a beautifully shot and poignant scene of love--
a thing of the past, l suppose.
Many famous films have had scenes cut
to reach a specified audience.
Here's a scene cut from a popular children's film.
* There are several ways to irritate a lady *
* You could mention that her hat's gone out of style *
* That's sure to get her miffed *
* lt's bound to cause a tiff *
* But here's a little trick to go the extra mile *
* Give her *
* Just a little kick in the cunt *
A kick in the cunt?
* A kick in the cunt *
* How's about a nice kick in the cunt? *
* You'll sure have her stumped if you go for the punt *
* With a jolly good kick in the cunt *
* Now, you might want to sock her a clop in the choppers *
* Or shock her by making a grab at her knockers *
* But she'll call the coppers and you'll land in jail *
* Where you eat bread and water and shit in a pail *
* So if you've enough of her womanly guff *
* No need to be rough-- it'll be quite enough *
* To call her bluff with a huff and a puff *
* Just stuff your foot straight into her muff *
l'm sorry. That was an inappropriate scene to show here,
as it was cut for time, not content.
Let's rejoin the film you've been watching.
Rorrie returred to his hometowr a hero.
Come on, Ronnie, aren't you excited?
l guess.
l was just kind of expecting Tammy to come down and see me, that's all.
Thank you.
A'ight, come on, now.
l'd like to thank Mr. Dobbs for farting the alphabet.
He's definitely a man of many talents.
Now, here of course--
Okay, P.S.
l just want to say, okay,
some of y'all think that l don't deserve a second chance,
and l swear, if l were to get a second chance
or even a fourth chance,
l would make a good husband to these people.
That's God's honest truth.
Baby, you see me farting?
Arrest this piece of shit, boys.
What the hell?
You're going down for good this time.
He didn't do nothing.
That's really true this time.
lt's my new policy, a little thing l like to call ''no strikes and you're out.''
You can't do that!
Governor, please, Ronnie's a celebrity now.
Don't you make an exception for them?
We had a deal, Twillstein.
l want to file a reward!
Make a hole.
Y'all seen that! Do something! Don't just stand there!
Man, what's up?
l can't hear you.
Yes, Ronnie. The phone. Pick up the phone.
The phone!
Pick up the phone!
Hang on.
Yeah-lo?
Ronnie, it's Terry.
Hang on. He's right here.
Man, it's for you.
No.
No, it's me on the phone. l'm on the phone!
Okay.
lt looks like he's on another call. Can you call back?
Ronnie, it's me, Terry, speaking to you via the telephone.
Oh, man!
Okay, l got it now.
Man, how are you? You know you've got a phone call?
Yes, l realize that.
Ronnie, how are you ?
l'm good. l can't complain, man.
Check out the threads. Free.
You know, Ronnie, this is all my fault.
l was so busy exploiting you that--
Yeah. Hang on. That's cool.
They asked me if l wanted to get electrocuted or injected.
l was like, ''Wait a minute.
''What say l jump out of an airplane what's on fire,
''no parachute, but straight into a shark tank
filled with poisonous razorblades?''
That's crazy talk!
You're not jumping out of any fiery airplane
into a shark tank of razors!
l know. They said l had to get electrocuted.
What are you talking about?
l'm on death row. Didn't you hear?
Part of the governor's new Get-Tough campaign.
He's finally cleaning this state up.
That can't be.
They gonna kill me tomorrow.
Let's go, Dobbs.
l'll see you in hell, Terry.
Do something real bad so l can see you in hell, okay?
Ronnie Dobbs.
Naive bumpkin.
What'd you call me?
Sack of manure for brains.
We regrettably irterrupt Fishin' with Guns
with this special rews bulletir.
Good everirg.
We have corfirmed reports
that the sor of goverror Hark Trellis has beer kidrapped.
The kidrappers have demarded the immediate turrover...
- lnbred baboon. - of TVsuperstar Rorrie Dobbs.
We row go live...
- That's it! - Shut up, you illiterate butterbean!
Get him out of here! Out the door, through the window!
Get him out of here!
Unhand me, hairy hillfolk. l'm trying to watch this!
The lucky boy-- sorry. the urlucky boy--
is beirg held hostage by approximately four gertlemer.
Gentlemen?!
No! Try ''terrorists''! Stupid tongue. Sorry.
Four terrorists who are demanding the release
of a prisoner named Ronnie Dobbs from Georgia's death row,
a swank, luxurious place of enchantment--
What did l just say?
This tongue of mine, it's all twisted up!
...make a deal.
You hear me? We will make a deal.
Real simple.
There's ro reed for violerce.
l want you to stay calm.
This can be worked out.
All right in there, listen up. This is the governor talking to you.
l heard your demands.
Now l want to tell you my demands.
Let my son go and shoot yourselves in the head!
How's that sit with you?
l didn't get a nickname like ''Get Tough'' by caring about my son!
- Give me that. - Twillstein!
Don't listen to him! He's not on your side!
You can do whatever you can dream!
Twillstein! Get him!
We ain't makin' no deals here, pal.
l'm not with the bobbies.
No, l've come here to assist you.
Look, l realize that you're fans of Ronnie's,
and you want to get him out and get an autograph and maybe a photo,
but when you're done, l'll take him.
You ain't taking him nowhere! He's staying right here.
We got special plans for Dobbs.
That's wonderful. What could they be?
We're gonna kill the son of a bitch!
Kill Ronnie?
Why would you want to do that?
You're from that Elimiratior program.
You got that right.
We was shittin' in high cotton.
We had the number one show, then when Dobbs showed up,
network pulled the plug on our show!
Yeah! They forgot all about us!
Hell, they left us out there on that goddamned island to die!
We had to make a goddamned canoe out of the fat guy!
But he's on death row. lsn't that enough?
No, that ain't enough! We gonna kill him our way!
And then we're gonna eat him.
What in the hell do you think l'm talking about here, pinhead?
Man, this is hard.
You live your whole life, you think you've got it all worked out,
and then comes the toughest choice of all.
l hope l'm doing the right thing.
Dobbs, you got more visitors.
Hey, little beans!
Gonna give you a few minutes to say good-bye.
Right on! Look at y'all.
You guys run along and let me talk to Daddy, okay?
Sorry.
Do those hurt?
They a'ight.
Tammy, l love you so much.
l mean... You're the only one l ever loved.
l don't know what happened.
Ronwell...
sometimes God shines His magic light beam from outer space,
and it works in mysterious ways.
l may not always know what He's thinking,
but l know that inside, you're a good man.
Oh, baby. l wish l had a magic genie bottle.
l'd rub it so hard that genie'd be like, ''What the fuck you doin'?''
l'd be like, ''l need some wishes bad!''
That genie'd be like, ''You keep rubbin' my bottle-home so hard,
l'll give you a foot-shaped wish up your ass,'' and l'll be like--
Okay, let's go. Time's up.
Let's go.
What the hell?
Let's kill the kid ard the sissy.
l'm starvin'.
l'd like a snack, too.
Sorry we have to do this, kid...
...but your daddy, he is one tough bastard.
Like father...
...like son.
Come on!
Hut!
Who's next?
Fat little prick!
United States Marine Corps taught me how to kill a man in six seconds
before they kicked me out.
Let's get it on, sweetheart.
Son!
l got some demands of my own.
ht's corfirmed. Goverror's approved the pardor of prisorer Dobbs.
10-4. Open the perimeter gate.
Where are we going?
l didn't get my last meal! What about my waffles?
l was supposed to have a wonderful breakfast
of delicious waffles, and l didn't get nothing,
not even a bowl of good-bye mints!
What about my waffles?
You mind if l buy you those waffles, stranger?
Nah, man, l ain't in-- Terry?
What are you doing picking up guys out here?
l'm only here to pick up one man.
Fuck that guy. Give me a ride.
Come on, Ronnie. Hollywood awaits.
Rorrie was ir what the scholars call a real shit pickle.
but we krow two heads is always better thar ore.
so Rorrie. Tammy. ard Terry
came up with somethirg that would make 'em all happy.
Look at me! l'm on a river!
Riverdance!
This is the greatest day in the moment of American history!
Ever!
l'm Ronnie Dobbs!
Catch the ring!
You catch the ring!
l'm not going, motherfucker!
We're trying to save your life!
That's it, chum!
Terry, did you see that?
l drove backwards right off the thing, man!
lt was awesome!
A drurker Rorrie remaired ir the water for six hours
before a crew of Navy SEALs forcibly rescued him.
We'll see that toright.
as well as Rorrie repellirg rescuers
from a treacherous cliff top.
Brirg or that ''heliocopter. '' h dor't reed you.
Get or out of here.
Ther later. ir ar alpire skiirg tragedy.
Rorrie comes perilously close to dyirg of frostbite
ard humiliates a rescue team with srowballs.
all toright or Ronnie Dobbs Gets Rescued.
Cut!
Brilliant! That's a wrap!
You make Bob Stack look like an amateur, Kent.
100! Who likes cake?
Everybody.
Yes. That's right.
Where's Ronnie?
Looks like you got your truck lowered.
Tammy, is that you? You look glamorous!
l'm a regular Hollywood trophy wife.
You are. Thank you for loaning me your husband.
As long as he's not getting arrested, it's okay by me.
l feel like l'm ready to party!
l got lungs of steel!
A'ight, Clay, l heard that!
Uncle! Uncle!
Hey, little dude.
You'll never guess. l got my special shoes!
l don't give a goddamn.
Come on, Chow-Chow.
Come on, y'all, let's have us a champagne jam!
Champagne!
Let's party, for real this time!
We're off, everybody.
Ronnie, you ain't got a hair on your ass
if you don't give it some gas!
Look out.
Too fast, Uncle! Uncle Ronnie, too fast!
Look out!
- That was a nasty right turn! - You guys okay?
Y'all all right?
Uncle Ronnie, you broke my special shoes!
Then he stole some tires.
He stole...
Shouldn't he be coming up by now?
Go!
This goat ate my shoes and my shirt and my wallet
and my diamond rings and--
Goddamnit!
Really? That's fabulous!
Where's that ambulance at?
Can't catch me!
Fuck! Jesus Christ! Fuck! Troy!
She's a lying bitch, officer. You can't trust a word she's saying.
Look at this stupid bitch!
Get her off of me! She's an old lady!
What's wrong with you?
Let me go!
l want her fired. l want her off the set.
lt's called actirg.
Well. there you have it-- the Rorrie Dobbs story.
from the bottom to the top to the bottom ard ther back to the top.
Who warts to bet the bottom's rext?
What a story! What about me?
Well. look at me. h'm fire.
Now. that hit the spot.
Aryway. h dor't blame Rorrie.
See. h was a little bit drurk my owr self.
Live ard learr. h guess.
h'm so tired. but. hell. h car't go to sleep.
Well. h guess h'll just tell the story agair.
This here is the story of ore Rorwell Dobbs...