CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to the Big Fat Quiz Of 2013.
Of course, these days you can't call things big and fat.
So welcome to the Bubbly, Jolly, Fully-figured, Enjoying Life,
Celebrating Our Curves Quiz Of The Year.
The Big Fat Quiz 2013 -
think of it as a slightly more up-to-date version of the Big Fat Quiz 2012.
Or a slightly old hat version of the Big Fat Quiz 2014.
If you'd like to play along at home,
then presumably you don't have the new Xbox.
Unlucky.
Let's meet our teams.
First up, we have a bit of fresh meat, Jack Whitehall,
and he's brought some mutton dressed as spam,
it's Jonathan Ross.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, she's the crazy stalking fan girl from Flight Of The Conchords,
he's a maths-loving science bod.
It's like Match.com: Pick The Teams.
It's Kristen Schaal and Dara O'Briain.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And finally, we've got a rock'n'roll dandy
and the brains of the operation.
All we need now is a ladies' man, a jock and Jason Statham
and we've got ourselves a heist movie.
It's Noel Fielding and Richard Ayoade.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jack, are you OK with Jonathan this evening?
Yeah. Well, I did this lovely show last year and I got...
Don't touch me.
I got in a lot of trouble last year
for some jokes that I said on this show.
So I was like, "This evening,
"I'm going to behave and there are going to be no Ofcom complaints.
"I am on best behaviour."
And you've put me with Jonathan Ross!
- I'm mentoring you this year... - You're not!
That's like turning up to an AA convention
and your sponsor's Gazza.
Like...
He's going to lead me astray!
I've got some jokes I've written for him,
some family-friendly jokes...
- They're so awful! - He said he's not going to do 'em
but this will keep you out of trouble and get laughs.
Well, I'm very much looking forward to hearing those.
Dara, Kristen, how are you?
We're great, we're fantastic.
- Kristen's just over for, essentially, for the day. - Yeah, sure.
And I'm so looking forward to questions
about British politics, British television shows...
hits in the British charts over the last 12 months or so.
- LAUGHTER - Yeah!
This has been a great year for me.
I became a woman.
It was really touch and go but I think it happened.
When you say you "became a woman"...?
Just blossomed.
LAUGHTER
OK. Richard, you look composed and ready for this.
Yeah. It's been up and down as a year. Erm...
Lot of sadness.
AUDIENCE: Aw-w!
Don't patronize me.
But yeah, I'm here. I'm ready to quiz,
I'm ready to take a sideways glance
at the events of the previous 12 months.
LAUGHTER
I look like his legal adviser.
That's exactly it.
Could you talk me through the outfit?
- Yeah. - I mean, because you know...
Oh, just skate over mine.
KRISTEN SHRIEKS
I didn't realise!
It's a moat.
Are you all right, Noel?
As Noel's legal adviser,
that is very dangerous.
- Where there's blame, there's a claim. - We're going to sue you.
Don't sue me!
I've got a dress on, look.
CHEERING
That is a hell of a look, that's a strong look.
Nearly broke my cheekbone.
Right, Round One.
Round One is all about the year's biggest news headlines.
Chris Huhne was jailed for getting his wife to take speeding points.
Whilst in prison, he was subjected to violent threats and verbal abuse.
Although, to be fair, it was his decision to phone his family.
In August, two young women were imprisoned in Peru
on charges of drug smuggling.
The girls, one from Northern Ireland and one from Glasgow,
said they had been living in terrible conditions
but now they were glad to be out
and living in a Peruvian jail.
Abu Qatada was deported to Jordan this year.
It was the first time in history Heathrow security had let someone on the plane
only after assurances that he DIDN'T pack the bag himself.
Of course, it wouldn't be a quiz without questions.
Eyes down, everyone, Round One. First up,
it's over to a man who made the transition
from comedian to revolutionary in 2013.
It's Russell Brand.
CHEERING Hello, Jimmy Carr.
Now, would you cast your mind back to January, this year.
Do you remember it came out that certain lasagnes and food
and that, meat food, had horses' innards in it?
Like, innards that had come out of a horse,
the thing that the horse was when it was alive,
that had become a type of food now.
Iceland, the supermarkette,
was implicated negatively in all of that.
What did Iceland boss Malcolm Walker say
when he was asked whether he'd checked for horses in his food?
What did he say?
That's the question, Jimmy, that I'm passing on to you.
Obviously you can't ask questions directly, Jimmy.
You don't have that degree of ability.
LAUGHTER
The claws are out.
It's remarkable.
JACK: Who's this man?
He's the head of Iceland, Malcolm Walker.
Did he say that the vegetarian burgers
had pantomime horse in them?
No, he didn't but it would have been brilliant if he had.
OK, question number two,
which event prompted BBC news reporter Simon McCoy
to say, during an outside broadcast,
"Plenty more to come from here. Of course, none of it news".
Well, that's inappropriate.
An outside...what, an outside the building broadcast?
He was outside a building, yeah.
What was going on inside? What was going on?
- That's the question. - That's like the opposite of what you want to hear.
- Could that make perfect sense? - You're meant to listen to me. - Just think of the question.
I'm older than you. You're meant to listen.
- Stop bickering, you two. - Do you know,
the last time me and Jonathan worked together,
we did a thing where we gave out an award.
I got a tweet from someone,
one of the most creative bits of abuse ever,
saying, "Jonathan Ross is like a cyborg
"sent back in time to remind Jack Whitehall
"that he's still not funny."
LAUGHTER
Well done, trolls.
OK, next up we're going over
to one of the biggest comedy stars in the world.
It's Steve Carell, everyone.
CHEERING Hi, Jimmy.
Hi!
2013's been a funny old year
and one of the strangest events occurred in February
when windows in over 4,000 buildings shattered in Russia.
But can your teams remember why?
Can they?
Oh, the geeks have got it.
- Yeah, the geeks... - What?
Nothing.
MUMBLING AND CONFERRING
Next question, why did a marriage proposal in July
get tweeted about by Nick Clegg,
written about in the Independent newspaper
and mentioned in the official parliamentary records?
Wow, it got tweeted?
- Wow(!) - LAUGHTER
- That's amazing. - That's a big deal, yeah.
- That's a big deal, yeah. If it gets on to Twitter... - It's on Twitter.
And finally, it's over to Mitchell Brook Primary School in Neasden
who are performing one of their unusual school plays.
Can you tell me which news story they're acting out?
Trade, security, the economy.
I'd agree!
Ooh!
I'm telling on you.
THEY GASP
Here are all the secrets.
ALL: Yay!
ALL: Oh, no!
He is very naughty.
Don't worry, you can live in Russia.
Phew!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That was powerful.
It was.
OK, so what news story were the kids of Mitchell Brook Primary School
acting out, there?
Jimmy, can I introduce a little idea
to maybe make the stakes a little bit higher
and a little bit more fun for everyone?
It's that if Noel and Richard
fail to get in the top two teams at the end,
that they go backstage and switch outfits.
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's a fine idea.
I mean, we are prepared to take the same bet, OK?
No, cos I don't want to have to wear a cheap suit.
- AUDIENCE: O-o-o-oh! - Wow!
Dara, Kristen?
- Whoa! - I'd love to wear Dara's outfit! - I don't like where this is going.
OK. So everyone's up for this, it looks like, Dara.
We were doing joke answers,
we're not doing joke answers now, if I have to wear that dress.
How dare you!
It's a lovely dress.
I'm just saying, I'm a very...
- it just won't work on me. - You should just...
You should have confidence in your body.
I think if you wear it, you'll look like a massive Quality Street.
It'll look amazing.
OK, time for some answers.
First up, Russell Brand asked you
what explanation Malcolm Walker gave
for not detecting horse meat in Iceland meals.
What did you all put?
Well, we wrote "Neigh," by which we meant he didn't,
he said he'd never eaten it.
He doesn't eat at Iceland.
- What have you got? - He said yes. - Yes!
Yes, there's horse meat
but only the best horses,
only Lipizzaners.
- Lipizzaner ponies which you could have ridden round. - Yeah,
- no poor horses. - Yeah.
OK, that's not the exact right answer.
We can go now to Richard.
"I check once a month when I'm in the shower
"so I am confused." I couldn't fit all of it in.
"..and so I'm confused.
"Why would you ask me if I checked for horse meat?
"Because that would imply that I was looking for it
"which would implicate me
"and so I'd probably try and dodge that question."
That's almost, I mean, that's almost what he said.
- Have a little look at what he actually said. - What?!
Constantly testing, checking, every week.
Did we test for horse?
No!
But we haven't tested for dog or cat either.
I mean, there might be dog and cat.
You can't test for everything. LAUGHTER
I wanted to see him list every animal he knew then
and run out at puma.
And then you walk in the background and he goes,
"Or crow!"
OK, so no-one got that. Next question.
I asked you what event prompted BBC News reporter Simon McCoy to say,
"Plenty more to come from here. Of course, none of it news".
This one we have got wrong.
What did you go for, Richard?
"Gang bang inside, the whole place is going to blow."
LAUGHTER
Dara, what did you go for?
- We put down the opening of the Old News Museum. - Yeah.
Oh!
But that's still news.
Exactly.
Jonathan?
- I don't know what Jack was thinking, here. - The weather!
"None of it news, we've still got more stuff to come, none of it news."
- So that is what happened next. - You never listen to me! - Let's take a look.
Well, plenty more to come from here. Of course, none of it news.
Because that'll come from Buckingham Palace
but that won't stop us.
But until then, we're going to be speculating about this royal birth
with no facts to hand.
LAUGHTER Back to you, Ben.
So it was the royal birth.
It was the birth, Kate and William had George.
Was this big news in America?
Oh, yes! It was a boy named George.
And we were like, "Yay!"
And then we went back to our sad lives.
Let's have a little look at the royal family.
Here they are. There's four generations.
Wow, he's got a long body.
LAUGHTER
George looks like, there, when you pick a cat up
and its feet are stuck to the carpet and its body goes really long.
Well, I'm not quite sure that's what's going on but yeah, OK.
Question number three, Steve Carell asked you
what caused windows in over 4,000 buildings to shatter in Russia, this year.
- Did you know? - A big old meteor.
- A big old meteor caused 4,000 windows to shatter. - Oh!
OK, Noel, Richard, what did you put?
We put "asteroid or some other space business."
- Well, that feels pretty good. - That's pretty cool, yeah.
Jack, Jonathan?
We put "Miley Cyrus on her ball."
- I thought maybe... - The ball. - ..the ball smashed the windows.
I've got a joke for Jack to do
which is, kind of, more family-friendly
- than the material he's used to doing. - OK.
Kill me now.
This is going to work for you. Support him in this,
it could be a whole new career.
The windows shouldn't have broken in Russia
because they had only just been...
Putin.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
All right. So shall we have a little look? Let's have a look.
This is the meteor in question.
What's this, the asteroid?
MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR RADIO
JACK: Good tunes.
- Wow! - All right,
I asked you why a marriage proposal in July
got tweeted about, written about in the Independent
and mentioned in the official parliamentary records.
What did you get?
I thought a dog proposed to a cat
because that's a lovely story.
Dara, what did you go with?
We said it's a gay thing,
and I put two little love hearts
but actually one of them looked like Pacman so I gave him an eye.
So we think it's, you know, gay marriage.
And Noel, Richard, what did you get?
- Gay marriage. - Yeah.
So a point for Dara and Kristen, a point for Noel and Richard.
It was the first gay marriage proposal.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The first ceremony is expected to take place in March 2014
and the first marriage proposal was between
Ed Fordham and Russell Eagling.
Congratulations, boys.
APPLAUSE
And finally, we saw Mitchell Brook Primary School
performing an unusual school play.
What event were they acting out? Did you get this?
Spy man.
What did you get, Dara?
Edward Snowden was the spy man's name.
Although, he wasn't actually... Yeah, it wasn't his spying.
He just opened up the files of the spies.
- Of the NSA, yeah. - Yeah.
And people got really upset because,
"Oh, my God, they're spying." And you're going, "Yeah?"
People were mildly upset.
I think with the age of YouTube and Twitter,
people were like,
"Oh, someone's watching me all the time?!"
LAUGHTER
- "Cool." - Make yourself actually sexy.
"Hello, NSA." Often when I step out of the shower, I go,
"Who's watching now?"
- To no-one in particular! - I've only got two followers
but I've always got the NSA.
Don't I, don't I? Are you there, boys?
- I've got a joke for you about this spy man. - Oh...
He was...they locked him in a building
and he couldn't get out because he was...
Snowed in!
LAUGHTER
What did you guys get, Noel, Richard?
- We got Snowdown. - Snowdown, fine, near enough.
Armageddon - Watership Down?
I thought I saw a rabbit
but it wasn't, it was a child.
And I thought I saw Bruce Willis.
Near enough. I think everyone gets a point there.
Everyone gets a point.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, let's check in on the scores.
Jack and Jonathan have one point.
Count them, one.
Dara and Kristen, and Noel and Richard
have both got three.
- CHEERING - So that's all for Part One.
See you in a bit.
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz of 2013.
This round is all about the year in TV and movies.
Peter Capaldi was announced as the new Doctor Who.
We all have different opinions on who the best Doctor was,
just like we all have different opinions on who the second worst was
after Sylvester McCoy.
Simon Cowell announced he's going to become a father.
He's not revealed if he's expecting a boy or a girl
or indeed a group.
Gregg Wallace allegedly punched a man in the face at a dinner event
over claims the man groped his girlfriend's backside.
He wasn't annoyed that the man felt up his girlfriend,
just that he said it was soggy,
tasteless and with a terrible texture.
Let's remind ourselves what we were watching this year.
CHEERING
♪ Let's get ready-ready Let's get ready-ready
♪ Let's get ready to rumble... ♪
♪ I got this feeling on the summer day when you were gone
♪ I crashed my car into the bridge
♪ I watched, I let it burn
♪ I threw your shit into a bag and pushed it down the stairs
♪ I crashed my car into the bridge I don't care!
♪ I love it
♪ I don't care!
♪ I got this feeling on a summer day when you were gone... ♪
Yes!
Ye-e-es!
♪ I don't care
♪ I love it
♪ I don't care
♪ I love it. ♪
Compensating?
APPLAUSE
OK, some big fat questions now.
For our first question, it's over to two of my favourite teachers
from Educating Yorkshire, Mr Mitchell and Mr Burton.
This show is so good.
ALL: Hi, Jimmy!
Now Educating Yorkshire was full of incredible
and sometimes very moving moments.
One of the most memorable was
when Mr Burton here helped Musharaf overcome his stammer.
But can you remember what technique I used?
Were they mumbling? Cos it sounded terrible.
That's a Yorkshire accent, that's how they talk in Yorkshire.
Oh. Sorry.
They say things like tintintin.
What does that mean?
That means, "It isn't in the tin."
"Tintintin?"
"No, ti'nt in t'in."
OK so, Musharaf had a stutter and one of the teachers helped him
to overcome it. How did he overcome it?
It was an incredible, powerful, wonderful moment of TV.
I cried so much when I watched that.
Oh, my God, points for you in my mind!
I cry too much.
- Do you cry at everything? - Everything.
I cried at an episode of Deal Or No Deal the other day.
All this woman wanted was to take her daughter on holiday
and then she got a blue at the end and I just went, completely gone.
Er, spoiler alert! I haven't seen it.
Deal Or No Deal?
It is the most amazing show ever.
Basically, this guy opens all these boxes and in one of them
is a severed head.
You don't know which one it's going to be in.
And then you've just got to deal with it or not deal with it.
APPLAUSE
Next question, very simple. What happened inside this box?
That's Mariella Frostrup, yeah?
Yeah.
It's The Book Show.
It's the other show.
Next question, in January this year, Quentin Tarantino
had a fairly lively interview with Channel 4 News
but what memorable phrase did Tarantino use during the interview?
- Your handwriting, it's like a doctor's handwriting. - I know.
"I'm slutty"?
Yeah, I am.
You look it.
OK next question, Joey Essex was everyone's favourite on I'm a Celebrity this year.
In the jungle, he admitted he wasn't able to do two basic things.
What were they? There's a point on offer for each.
- Yeah, yeah, got it. - That's a sure.
Joey Essex was on Splash last year and he went up the high board
and he said, "Oh, I'm a bit scared up here, mate, this is a bit scary."
And Tom Daley said, "Well, it's like a second home to me."
He went, "You live here?"
OK, finally, it's over to my favourite bake-off contestant, Ruby Tandoh.
Hi, Jimmy. We all had our bake-off disasters at one point or another
but the unluckiest of all was poor Howard,
who managed to lose his custard.
Can your teams remember what happened to it?
That's not a euphemism.
No, but the way Ruby said it there, it didn't help anyone, did it?
How did he lose his custard? Thank you, Ruby.
OK, have you all got answers?
- Yeah, we do. - OK, fabulous.
Mr Burton and Mr Mitchell asked you how Musharaf
overcame his stammer in Educating Yorkshire. Who got this?
We went for a gluten-free diet and tickles.
Get out that gluten and get your tickles, and talk straight.
- Noel, Richard? - Prolonged sarcasm.
Jack, Jonathan, what have you got?
The answer, that's what we've got.
Took his parents hostage.
What's your...? Let's have a look.
Breath, nice and loud, nice and proud.
HE STAMMERS
One thing and it's only cos I watched The King's Speech quite recently.
One thing he does, right, when... Cos it's a very similar thing to you
in that he just can't get the words out.
One thing he does do, is he makes him listen to some music.
- And then when he's listened to the music, he gets him to do it again. - OK.
- Have you got your phone with you? - No.
Right, plug it into mine and I'll put you some awful music on.
- Right, are you ready? - Yes, sir.
- There? - OK. - Go for it. One, two, three.
"The moment when after many years of hard work that I owned this,
"is the same moment when the trees unloose their soft arm
"from around you, the birds take back their language.
"You never found us, it was always the other way round."
Bloody hell! That's insane!
Musharaf, everyone! It's amazing, right?
That's beautiful.
Yeah, it's really lovely.
OK, I asked you what happened inside this box.
What did you get?
That box, it looks like Tron's shed.
What have you got answer-wise?
Water rafting that culminates in sexy bits.
Well, we didn't specifically know about the water rafting in there
but definitely there were sexy bits. Dara?
- People doing sex. - People doing sex.
- Inside the box? - In the box. - No, hold on.
- It was Mo Farah. - You saw...
Mo Farah completed it.
Mo Farah was in there, you saw him.
I've realised, I was thinking of The Cube.
This is a different show but I bet, if Mo Farah did this show,
he'd nail it as well.
That was the box from Channel 4's Sex Box. Let's have a look.
In a few minutes, a couple will enter this box.
They'll have sex and then immediately afterwards come out
and talk frankly about what they did,
to me, a panel of internationally renowned sex experts
and in front of our studio audience.
Welcome to Sex Box.
How do they know they really did it?
They could just, "Yeah, we did it and whoo!"
And, you know, they were just sitting in the box just, like,
"OK, let's go."
OK, next up, I asked you what memorable phrase
Quentin Tarantino used when he didn't like
- one of Christian Guru-Murthy's questions on Channel 4 News. Did you get this? - Yes.
He said, "I don't have to answer that, you're not my mummy."
I can tell you that's not right. Dara, Kristen?
It may look like I've written I'm shatting your ass down.
But that is just merely bad handwriting on my part.
- I'm shutting your ass down. - Noel, Richard, what did you put?
- He said, "I'm shutting your butt down." - Let's have a look.
So you don't want to talk about anything serious?
I don't want to talk about what you want to talk about.
I don't want to talk about the implications of violence.
I haven't wanted, because the reason I don't want to talk about it,
because I've said everything I have to say about it.
If anyone cares what I have to say about it, they can Google me
and they can look for 20 years what I have to say.
I haven't changed my id... my choice, my opinion one iota.
No, but you haven't, you haven't fleshed it out.
- That's the only reason... - It's not my job to flesh it out.
No, it's my job to try and ask you to.
And I'm shutting your butt down.
So, Dara, Kristen, you get points. Noel, Richard, you get points.
- Jonathan, Jack, you get none there. - Unfair.
OK, next I asked you what two basic things Joey Essex revealed
he couldn't do on I'm a Celebrity. Did you know?
Croquet and crochet.
They're very hard to do at the same time.
And he gets confused between them so whenever he tries to do crochet,
he does it with a mallet.
Dara, Kristen?
To read and write.
Is that right?!
It's weirder than that.
OK, Noel, Richard, what did you go for?
Make decisions and oscillate.
LAUGHTER
Ah... I... Let's have a look.
Don't do it. Pick your nose if you have to.
I can't blow my nose.
Can't you? Why?
Never learnt how to do it.
You just blow, like - hold your mouth and blow.
I can't do it, I can't go like that. So I have to go like that.
Things that you don't really need to know, I don't really know.
This sounds so stupid.
Yeah, I learnt to do my laces and stuff because that's...
I needed to tie my laces up for the rest of my life
but blowing your nose, you don't have to do it the professional way.
You can just do it the Joey way.
15, 30, 30 minutes past nine.
I can tell the time on the digital ones, can't tell it
on an actual like round one what goes like that.
You know, I retract any feeling that we were harsh.
Yeah.
This is the best TV you've got?
This and sex in a box?
Can I just say really, this is really pernickety
and so annoying and I do want to come back to it but if you do
play croquet, you do have to go clockwise playing, so technically
not knowing how to tell the time, he wouldn't be able to play croquet.
If you went anti-clockwise, you'd be disqualified and you'd lose the game.
The idea he can't blow his nose is the really...
Like, he can't do it like a professional.
That was the amazing bit, like a pro.
I can't do it like a pro, you know these pro guys.
They're good.
I book them for children's parties all the time.
They come in and they do...
..across the room. Amazing!
Finally, Ruby from Bake-Off asked you what happened to Howard's custard.
Did anyone remember?
He piped it into Paul Hollywood's soggy bottom.
Is that allowed?
That's just a bit of silly Radio 4 slap and tickle.
What have you got Noel, Richard?
He just forgot where it was.
That is almost the definition of losing it.
Yeah, to be honest.
- Seems reasonable. - Dara, Kristen?
I think somebody stole it,
somebody used his custard in their trifle.
OK - it was Deborah, we're going to show it now.
If you're of a sensitive disposition it might be an idea to look away.
Where's my custard? Oh, no!
I'm so sorry, Howard.
What's happened?
I used Howard's custard by error.
They were both in the same fridge and I forgot what my bowl was,
and I used his.
I haven't used it all but I am really upset.
Howard, this is... this is like... it's like a recurring nightmare.
So now you've taken possession of Deborah's custard?
- Yes. - And his own, and I'm really sorry.
I've got some of my own.
Jerry! Jerry!
LAUGHTER
More English TV gold there for you.
Argh!
Wow, "Someone used my custard!"
- "Oh, I'm really upset!" - Fucking hell, Jimmy!
But she didn't use it all, did she? There was a bit left.
But he still had to go and make more.
Oh, fucking hell, no!
Yeah, how did he cope?
He's in a kitchen so there can't have been any more custard there.
How many times have you made custard?
- Oh! - It's really hard.
I buy it. You can get it in cartons.
OK, time now for a special bonus round about movies.
I'll show you pictures from three of the biggest movies of the year
which have all been subtly improved.
All you've got to do is tell me the names of the films, OK?
Ready for this? Here's your first one.
LAUGHTER
I think Jimmy looks brilliant.
Yeah, that's a better haircut than what you've got now.
AUDIENCE BOOS
I like your hair now... Oh, boo-boo.
- OK, next one. - Oh, my...
Any hurtful comments?
That's just a normal picture of Jimmy at home in his onesie, that is.
I like that haircut, too, on you.
Thank you very much. OK, and the third one?
That's quite good hair.
That image made my orbs fizz slightly.
Your orbs?
What I'm saying, Jimmy,
is if I was drunk in Camden, I would get off with you.
You look like you're coming out of a gorilla's vagina.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
A tiara would not develop in a gorilla's womb.
There's not the pressure to create that kind of rock.
OK, let's have a look and see what you've got.
Star Trek, Behind The Candelabra and Great Gatsby.
- OK, Dara? - We've got that although I think
we've misspelt, we've written
Behind the Candlebra,
a very different film.
Behind the Candelbra's pretty acceptable, I think,
and what have you gone for, Noel and Richard?
Star Trek 2, Liberace Behind The Candelabra, The Great Gatsby.
Well you're all three for three.
It was, of course, Mr Spock in Star Trek,
Michael Douglas in Behind the Candelabra
and I was Carey Mulligan in The Great Gatsby.
APPLAUSE
Let's see what that's done to the scores.
OK, Jack and Jonathan have 4 points.
Noel and Richard have 8.
In the lead,
Kristen and Dara with 9 points!
CHEERING
Now, in a last-ditch attempt
to inject some life into the British economy, here are some ads.
I wonder if there's any sales on.
CHEERING
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz of the year.
This round is all about the year in music.
David Bowie surprised everyone by releasing his first album
in ten years. His previous album was released on something called a CD,
and you got it from a place called a record shop
which was a building you actually had to go to
and you had to pay for it. It was rubbish.
The Spice Girls' musical Viva For Ever closed after just six months.
The problem was the casting.
Turns out it's quite hard to find actresses who can't sing or dance.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Kill Jimmy! Kill Jimmy! Kill Jimmy! Kill Jimmy! Kill Jimmy!
Thank you for your support.
We're hoping that'll catch on as a kind of nationwide catch phrase.
Bonnie Tyler represented the UK in this year's Eurovision song contest.
Bonnie wrote the song in Wales, recorded it in Nashville
and fucked it up in Sweden.
Right, time for some more questions.
First it's over to X Factor judge and pop impresario, Louis Walsh.
Hi, Jimmy, how are you?
Now I know what it's like to be in the glare of the public eye,
just like celebrity super-couple Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.
They had a baby daughter in June and everyone wanted to know
what they would call her.
Can your teams remember what it was?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. - OK, so we all know this.
- Noel, try and get some valuable points in. - Look at Brucie.
I love that song.
Don't you know that Kanye West song Bound 2, it's kind of...
It's like the most mental song ever and it's kind of genius.
- # I.... - Uh!
♪ Uh-huh, honey!
♪ I...
♪ I know it's hard to be in love... ♪
It's like all that.
We should do it.
She's lying on the thing...
- Yeah. Oh, yeah, when... - Don't do it. Don't do it!
I'll be on the motorcycle! I'm on the motorcycle
She's really... No, no she's not that into it.
Bring out the bump!
- Dara is the a motorcycle. - He is the motorcycle.
- The motorcycle? - Yeah.
And then he's going... What's he going?
♪ I know... ♪
DARA REVS LIKE A MOTORCYCLE
♪ Nobody to love
♪ Nobody... ♪
Is it on, the motorcycle? Is it going?
♪ Uh-huh... ♪
OK, if you could just come out
and talk frankly about what you've just done.
Next up, which controversial chart topper has been banned
in 20 UK universities, led to an American dance coach being fired
and a law suit with Marvin Gaye?
Who was responsible for all of that this year?
Is that? Do you think that's right?
Bang in the middle of songs.
Cos he, a lot of people... Yeah.
- That could be right. - They don't know what's what, but I do.
OK, next question - Beyonce got into trouble for not doing something
at Barack Obama's inauguration. Can you remember what it was?
Yeah.
The answer can't just be, "Yes, I can remember."
You've got to write down what it was.
You've incorrectly framed the question. So I claim my point.
During the chart rundown, on April 14th,
BBC radio refused to play the number two single in full.
Can you tell me why?
Oh!
Yes. OK.
You're sure?
Finally it's over to the Channel 4 newsroom where Jon Snow
has a special bulletin about one of this year's biggest hits.
Over to you, Jon.
An American building contractor is facing legal action
after it emerged that she inadvertently demolished a residence
whilst trying to gain entry.
She issued an apology to the home owner insisting
"I never meant to start a war, I just wanted you to let me in,"
and adding that she just closed her eyes and swung.
This is not the first time the woman's professional conduct
has been called into question as she was previously found licking tools
and operating heavy machinery while fully nude.
Jon Snow there, God bless him.
OK, so what hit song was Jon reporting on?
Yes. Yes.
What's the song called again?
Wrecking balls.
Well, that's very much the question, Jack.
OK, all right. First up, Louis Walsh asked you
what Kim and Kanye called their baby. Did you know?
Fred West.
It's a lovely name.
Dara, Kristen?
It's North.
And Noel, Richard?
North By North West.
That's the full name.
So his middle name is By North West?
- Yeah. - No, By North. West is its last name.
It's no more ridiculous than the actual name, is it?
No. It's a fabulous name.
Yes, they did christen their child North,
so no points for you, Jack and Jonathan,
but everyone else gets one.
OK. Next I asked you which controversial chart-topper
has been banned in 20 universities,
led to an American dance coach being fired
and a law suit with Marvin Gaye. Did you get it?
Aled Jones.
A lot of people see Aled on TV and they think, "There he is,
"face of an angel, voice of an angel," but behind closed doors
he is absolutely bonkers.
Kristen, Dara?
- Yeah. - What have you gone for?
We've gone for creepy Robin Thicke.
- Creepy? - Creepy Robin Thicke.
- Why Creepy? - He's just creepy. Look at him.
You'd clean him with a wire brush.
He's filthy, dirty, sleazy, get out of here. He's horrible.
I've really taken against him. I really have gone against him.
I'm OK with him. I mean the lyrics are a bit date-rapey...
"I know you want it, I know you want it.
"I know you're saying one thing, but I know."
Yeah, you're a tart.
Those may not be the actual lyrics, but the...
What's the song called? No Means Yes?
It might as well be, Noel.
It's called Blurred Lines but basically the content,
the idea is, "What was that, no?
"Oh, yeah, whatever."
No is such an ambiguous word, though, isn't it?
What does it mean?
It's a nightmare for me, cos my name sounds like Noel.
No.
North By North West, let's carry on now.
It's very ambiguous
when someone says, "I don't want you to have sex with me."
What do they mean by that?
Like, are they teasing?
I just don't know where you stand these days.
Let's have a quick look at Robin Thicke's Blurred Lines.
♪ I know you want it
♪ You're a good girl
♪ Can't let it get past me
♪ You're far from plastic
♪ Talk about getting blasted
♪ I hate these blurred lines... ♪
What a prick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- He's just an idiot, though. - Yes, he's just an idiot.
I don't think he even knows what it means.
He's just a fucking idiot.
I did a show where I sat next to him.
I mean, his legs were, like, so thrust apart
and the big bulging crotch was in your face
and it was just all so unnecessary.
Oh, you know you want it!
The show I was on was Alan Carr Chatty Man,
which is actually a great show.
Don't know if anyone has seen it, so...tune in.
He does great interviews.
Yeah, but he mainly gets B-listers.
Next up I asked you what Beyonce didn't do at Obama's inauguration.
- Did you know? - Yes.
We believe she didn't sing, she mimed there,
and I'm saying she didn't sing, but apparently it wasn't actually
Beyonce because Beyonce couldn't make it so they had to send...
Beyons B.
I like that one, that worked.
Dara, Kristen?
Well, I, I think... She lip-synched, she didn't sing.
- Noel, Richard, what did you get? - Miming, singing.
Miming, singing. That's the right answer, everyone gets a point.
I asked you why BBC Radio refused to play the number two single
in full on April 14th. Did you know?
Cos it was shit.
Such an angry young man.
Dara, Kristen?
Thatcher had just died and it was Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead,
and they said they'd play an excerpt of it and explain why it was
in the charts rather than making everyone listen to the entire thing,
which is very fair cos actually once you've got the gag, you doze off.
♪ Ding dong the witch is dead! ♪
Cos it goes on for three minutes of that, like, "I get the joke!"
♪ Do-do-do! The witch is dead! ♪
Richard, you got this?
♪ Ding dong the witch is dead! ♪
It was Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, from the Wizard of Oz,
which reappeared in the charts following Margaret Thatcher's death.
Jon Snow reported on one of the biggest hits of the year.
Did you know what it was?
- Yes. - Miley Cyrus.
And the song was?
- Look at Me. - But she's on the Wrecking Ball.
- Noel, Richard, you got this? - Yeah.
- Kristen, Dara? - Wrecking Ball. - Wrecking Ball by Mi.
By Miwey Cywus.
And her sexy face.
Why do people think she's being,
"Oh, she's awful, she's all gone sexual."
There's nothing sexual about somebody going...
- Just wagging their... - Hold it, do that again with your tongue
cos you look a bit like her.
Look, if we give you the hairstyle, get your tongue out. Look at that.
Let's have a look at Miley Cyrus.
♪ Wrecking ball
♪ I never hit so hard in love
♪ All I wanted was to break your walls
♪ All you ever did was wreck me... ♪
I met Miley Cyrus on a show, actually.
I was doing Graham Norton on the...
That's a good show, isn't it, Jack?
It's a great show, and she was actually very nice.
It was back when she was in the Disney days.
She's quite A-list.
OK. All right. Time for a very special guest
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the new landlord
of the Queen Vic, it's Danny Dyer, everyone.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
It's Danny Dyer,
or should I say Mick Carter. You're the new landlord of the Queen Vic.
Yeah, yeah.
How do you think you're going to die?
Cos in EastEnders, everyone, they either get run over
or there's a gas explosion or occasionally shot.
If you had to put a bet on now...
No, no, I want to do an Ian Beale, that's me now, I'm done.
I'm fucking... I'm going to stay, a 20-stretch, you know what I mean?
A 20-stretch?
Very few actors talk about jobs in terms of...
I bet very few prisoners are impressed by,
"Where did you do your 20-stretch?" "In EastEnders."
How was your Christmas, Danny?
Did you have a couple of jars and get off your fucking nut?
Nice bit of goose, that was nice.
Bit of goose, that's Cockney rhyming slang for slag.
It is! Shut up! Goosy rag, slag.
- It's not. - It is!
How was your year?
Good. Did a film called Vendetta, it's out now.
Come out on the 23rd.
It's a strong piece of work. Jack, you've seen it.
Very good, came out on the 23rd, closed on the 25th. Brilliant.
It didn't. It is really good. It's violent, though, innit?
- It's very violent, yes. - Very scary.
Hold it, Jack's trying to get a bit tough. "It's violent, innit?"
A minute ago he was talking about croquet rules.
Come on, question time. You've got a question for us.
You're the new landlord of the Queen Vic. It's a suitable question.
All right. Fuck sake!
I'm the new landlord of the Queen Vic.
- I've just said that. - That's what I'm saying.
Danny, are you wearing leggings or are they...?
Have we caught you in the middle of a Shakespeare play?
Fucking hell, what's the fucking...
Can you pirouette, can you make it like ballet?
You look like you're in panto, that's all.
Can I fucking read this or what? Fuck sake!
I wanna fuck off!
The second half of the Nutcracker starts soon. You gotta go.
I think they're called jeggings.
That is a blurred line right there.
Because they're quite feminine, if you want to see how a real man
should dress, Noel, stand up and show him.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I must be the only person in here who's thinking,
"His jeans are a bit baggy."
Come on, Danny, question.
Right, I'm the new landlord of the Queen Vic.
We know!
Bonnie Langford called, she wants her top back.
Are you going to read this out? Let's do it.
It's not as easy as it looks.
It's a fuck, it's a right poxy question and all.
Let me get this straight, you're the landlord at the Queen Vic.
Go on.
I'm still with you, just...
Yes, we're listening.
Right this year Wetherspoons announced they're opening a new pub
in a questionable location. Can you remember where?
I couldn't give one fuck at this point!
OK, so you all write something down.
So Wetherspoons are opening a pub in a questionable location.
How long have you been on the show now?
- How long have you been filming EastEnders? - Couple of months.
- Is it hard work? - I'm fucked, to be honest. Fucking shattered.
- You need this like a hole in the head? - Yeah.
OK, Jack and Jonathan, what have you got?
We don't know for sure. Albert Square, next to the Queen Vic.
- And then we drew a little picture of Danny. - Of the landlord.
OK, what have you got, Dara and Kristen?
Kristen thought maybe somewhere in or on the river,
but we also drew a little picture of Danny.
OK, and Noel, Richard, what did you put?
Drainpipe Village.
They actually opened a pub called the Hope and Champion
at the services on the M40.
Right, mind how you go, see youse later!
Danny Dyer, ladies and gentlemen.
Danny Dyer, everyone. Danny Dyer.
Give him a round of applause. Danny Dyer.
Right, let's have a look and see what that's done to the scores.
Jack and Jonathan have got 6, Dara and Kristen have 14,
Noel and Richard have 13.
We're off for a quick break. See you in two.
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz 2013.
This round is all about the year in sport.
Cyclist Lance Armstrong confessed all on Oprah about his drug use.
Oprah said Armstrong was emotional and intense.
Well, that's drugs for you.
As well as confessing to taking drugs,
the cyclist also admitted peddling.
Andy Murray stormed to victory at Wimbledon in July.
It was 77 years since the last Englishman won Wimbledon -
Fred Perry, who had to beat Ben Sherman, Ted Baker
and Ron Superdry along the way.
I'm not saying Andy Murray is dour but he took his victory champagne
and put it in the fridge to save for a special occasion.
OK, time for some questions.
First one - in July this year,
Andy Murray stormed to victory at Wimbledon,
but what teenage behaviour were Hollywood actors
Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper caught doing at the final?
You should write some jokes for him.
- Yeah! - His speeches are always like -
SLOWLY: "It was a really tough match."
Ah, he's like Superman, and he goes -
"Oh, it's really difficult."
Write a joke for him, Jimmy, you selfish fuck.
He's a lovely fellow. He's dropped into Mock the Week twice,
done things with Sport Relief for us.
He's great, he laughs at himself. Lovely fella. Everything's always...
What, are you going out with him? Why don't you marry him?
You can now.
- From March, I can. - Where did you watch the match from?
I watched the match from inside his tennis bag.
He didn't know I was there. It was brilliant.
I was in there amongst the sweat bands and his old pants.
Handing him bananas.
Handing him Lucozade. He loved it.
"It was a really tough match."
It's a very good Andy Murray. OK, next question.
How did the normally genteel Oxford and Cambridge boat race
land the BBC in trouble with Ofcom this year?
- Have you seen the Oxford/Cambridge boat race, Kristen? - Never.
Wait! I did!
I saw it on Social Network.
- Yes! - Yes, you're right. - It was in The Social Network.
Well, it's a real thing. How did they get into trouble with the BBC?
They showed coverage of that and they got into trouble.
Lots of the things in the film The Social Network are real things.
Nobody thinks they invented like rowing for the sake of the film,
The Social Network, and then ever since that film come out...
It's not like Americans watching it thinking,
"That's like quidditch. It doesn't really happen."
Next, it's over to the chirpiest man in pop, Olly Murs.
Hi, Jimmy. Olly Murs here.
Now, when I'm not in the studio making records,
I'm no stranger to the football pitch,
but can your teams tell me what was unusual about the new signing
to Doncaster Rovers reserve team this year?
So, Kristen, very much a question for you there -
Doncaster Rovers,
what was unusual about their signing? Come on...!
This must've been big news in America.
It was big news in America.
OK, so over to Christine Ohuruogu for our next question.
Hi, Jimmy. Now I've had a pretty good 2013.
I won a gold medal at the world championships for the second time
and I was named Athlete Of The Year for a third time.
It was also a big year for David Beckham
who signed for Paris Saint-Germain in January,
his last club before retiring.
But can your teams tell me what he immediately did with all the money?
OK.
- Oh, did you know that? - Yeah. - Oh, wow!
- Dara knows a lot of stuff. - He really does.
Yeah, but Beckham - what an achievement.
He doesn't look like it, but he knows stuff.
Do you know what I'd do if I was David Beckham
and I had all that money and international fame?
First thing I'd do?
I would go up to those people that do the caricatures
in Leicester Square and just buy the one of myself.
Because, you know how they always have a David Beckham there,
ready to go, as an example?
How sweet would that be!
Everyone else is queuing, takes ages to get drawn.
You're David Beckham, just turn up, yeah - one off the shelf,
and off I go.
With ALL your money?
I like David Beckham - he was on my show with Will Ferrell.
Couple of fucking A-listers there for you.
He came on your show then, but two weeks prior to that,
I definitely saw him on The Alan Titchmarsh Show.
He's seeing other hosts.
OK, let's get some answers.
First up, I asked you what teenage behaviour
Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper
were caught doing during the Wimbledon final.
They blanked Jonathan Ross.
Jonathan was there at the final trying to be friends
saying, "Come on my show?" And they were, like, "Fuck off!"
They were. You were both there at that time.
- I was there with Jimmy. - Yeah.
- We actually saw them. - You were trying to flirt with them,
"Oh, I'd love to have you on, Bradley."
And they were, like, "I'm afraid we're booked for Loose Women."
Dara, Kristen?
- They were jumping about and high-fiving... - Break dancing?
They brought lino and they spun on their heads.
They...they were high-fiving each other.
- No! - OK, Noel, Richard?
Necking and texting and giving each other Eskimo kisses.
- Eskimo kisses? - Yes, with the nose, and all that. - Could you and Noel...?
- Yeah, we could but we'd just... We'd rather... - I would have done it.
Such a slut!
JACK: I'll give you one.
We'd rather have sex in a box. No-one wants to see that.
The answer was...
The answer was they were spotted actually taking a selfie.
Taking a little selfie there of themselves.
- Yeah. - Just taking a selfie to send to Paul O'Grady
saying, "Please let me on your show, otherwise..."
OK, I asked you how the boat race
landed the BBC in trouble with Ofcom. What did you put?
We put "no oars".
They were doing it like when you're in the bath
and you can't get the hot water down...
OK, Dara, Kristen?
I didn't know, I thought nip slips.
Oh, that's... Oh, what's that?!
Too many nipples! The children!
Every stroke, do-ing!
Little singlets moving to the side.
Worse than nip slips, is if your COX slips out.
I mean, very much a rowing-based joke!
And you said swearing, as well. Noel and Richard?
- Er, cox did a swear. - Yeah, there was a little bit of swearing.
Oskar Zorrilla, the Oxford cox, swore all the way through.
Yeah, but he's the cox, it's like...
It doesn't matter what he says.
If Clare Balding said, "It's time for the fucking boat race."
Then you could complain, but he's the cox.
Next up, Olly Murs asked you what was unusual about Doncaster Rovers'
new reserve signing. Did you get it?
He is a she.
Well, I think Dara got it.
Yeah, it's a member of...I think it's One Direction.
I can't be... But it's one of those bands.
So our answer is still valid - he is a she.
- Noel, Richard? - One Direction. - That's right.
The answer is Louie Tomlinson from One Direction -
- he's the new reserve signing for Doncaster Rovers. - Wow.
- There he is. - He's the one on the right, yeah.
OK, next up, Christine Ohuruogu asked you what David Beckham did
with all his wages when he signed for Paris Saint-Germain. Any ideas?
- Over to Jonathan. - I think he was going to a market
and he exchanged the money for some magic beans.
And Victoria was furious. She threw the beans out the window.
And overnight, a giant beanstalk grew,
and young David went up the beanstalk.
He was very brave, but he was also scared
because a giant was living at the top of it.
"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell... I smell a range of colognes!"
OK, Dara, Kristen?
He gave his money to children's charities.
- OK, Noel? - He bought new shin pads.
No, "charity" we put.
Look, at the start,
- charity, charity. - Or a flat screened 3D-enabled TV.
I can see the charity there, so the answer was
David Beckham gave all his wages to a French children's charity.
Bet he's regretting that now he's got to support
a wife and four kids on his pension.
And now, for a bonus question, it's over to the Big Fat Quiz's
masterpiece theatre, where actor Charles Dance
is reading from a celebrity biography published this year.
Chapter Five.
I sometimes have to pinch myself when I think of what I'm doing
and how lucky I am.
Not long ago, I was out and Steven Gerrard, the England player,
came up to me and shook my hand and was, like,
"I love the show, I always watch it."
I nearly choked on my vodka. I couldn't believe it.
It was crazy, and I was, like, W-T-F!
We had some banter and I couldn't get my head round it.
My legs were like jelly. Lol!
Like the time I got invited to Jamelia's birthday party at Maveda
and swapped numbers with Pixie Lott!
The most starstruck I've ever been
is when I sort of met Beyonce at her perfume launch.
I love Beyonce, but unfortunately, she had a load of security round her
so I had to just look at her.
Sad face.
Then there was that time I was late for the Twilight premiere and
ended up on the red carpet next to Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson.
I fancy the pair of them!
I definitely wouldn't say no, and I couldn't believe it was happening
and that I was actually next to them.
It was brilliant! Hashtag - the good times.
Charles Dance there!
Very good, OK...
So what celebrity autobiography was that from?
Have you all got something?
OK, so, Jack, you've gone for...?
- He went for... - Baroness Trumpington of Sandwich.
No, almost the opposite of that. Dara and Kristen?
We've gone for legendary cleric Bishop Desmond Tutu.
It's the text speak that gave it away.
Noel? Richard?
We put his own autobiography.
It might be a double bluff.
He didn't seem to even be looking at the book.
It was like he'd lived it.
It was, he was reading by candlelight.
It was like Cyrano de Bergerac -
there's no way he could have been reading the words.
- That didn't even look like the book. - No. - It was leatherbound.
That was something out of a jumble sale the props department bought.
The whole thing's a fucking sham.
Let's go back and see.
That was an extract from Secrets Of An Essex Girl, by Lauren Goodger.
Amaze!
I actually don't know who that is.
- She's in The Only Way Is Essex. - Ah, right.
Let's see what that's done to the scores -
OK, so Jack and Jonathan have six points,
Noel and Richard have 16,
Dara and Kristen in the lead with 17 points at this stage.
Going for a quick break, see you in three.
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz.
This round is all about the people who made this year memorable.
Tommy Robinson quit as head of the EDL, which is a shame as
I was just thinking about switching my gas and electric to them.
He quit because he said there were too many far-right extremists,
which is a bit like giving up Grindr because you keep meeting gay men.
17-year-old Paris Brown resigned from being Britain's
first youth police and crime commissioner
after tweeting about taking drugs, having sex and getting drunk.
She's now head of the Co-op Bank.
- OK, ready for more questions? - Yes. - Straight over to
the walking encyclopaedia from Pointless, Richard Osman.
Hi, Jimmy. Hi, everyone. Hope you're having a good time.
Now, it's a fairly well-known TV fact that because I'm Richard
out of Pointless, I never get anything wrong.
However, this year the Vatican did get something wrong.
They had to recall 6,000 coins they'd issued to commemorate
the inauguration of Pope Francis.
Why did they have to recall them?
Can your teams remember the fairly major mistake that they made?
OK, so the coins to commemorate the inauguration of Pope Francis
had something wrong with them. What was it?
Next question. Justin Bieber had a hell of a year.
He punched a photographer, he had his tour bus raided,
was allegedly filmed leaving a brothel in South America,
even had his pet monkey confiscated by German authorities.
But how did a visit to Amsterdam prove particularly controversial?
Got into all the papers, a big story.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean we were obliged to read it.
I think you'll like this one.
Be that as it may.
OK. I think you know this.
I don't believe I do.
Did you say I don't "Bielebe" I do? You did say that.
- You did. - Shoot me in the head now. - Subconsciously, you're a Bieleber.
We should write that down. "I don't Bielebe it."
- And that could be a new catchphrase. - I don't Bielebe it!
Kill Jimmy, kill Jimmy, kill Jimmy.
Yay. OK, next question. I'm very excited to say we're going over
to the one, the only Will Ferrell.
Hi, Jimmy.
Now, as you know, former president George W Bush has given me
a lot of great material over the years.
But even I felt a pang of sympathy
for him when his e-mails were hacked this year.
The leaks revealed he'd taken up an extraordinary new hobby.
Can your teams tell me what it was?
- No, that's wrong. - It's correct.
- It's not only wrong, it's probably libellous. - It's not.
I do the politics questions, you do the silly Justin Bieber ones.
That's how we work, as a dynamic.
OK, next question.
MEP Godfrey Bloom caused embarrassment for UKIP
this year after a string of high-profile gaffes.
Can you name one of his gaffes?
What did you do? Oh, yeah!
Final question. Dame Helen Mirren hit the headlines for
doing something rather unexpected while dressed as the Queen.
What was it?
Oh, yeah.
That is not what happened.
Yeah, it could be.
I would do that.
She would have woken up.
OK, has everyone got something? We'll go for answers.
First up, Richard Osman asked you what mishap befell
the set of commemorative coins produced for Pope Francis this year.
- Did you know? - Yes.
They were chocolate coins.
OK, Dara, Kristen?
I thought the worse thing that you could give them would be
melted down wiccan nickels.
A wiccan nickel?
Yeah, melted down into the pope's commemorative coin.
So, a witch's...
Oh, my God, can I just say,
that photo looks like Baby George all grown up.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That is weird.
From the background, is he going through a Stargate?
OK, Richard and Noel?
They had condoms on them.
All the coins...
- Had condoms on them. - So no-one got that.
I can tell you the answer, the answer was 6,000 coins
had to be recalled because they said "Lesus" instead of "Jesus."
Is Lesus the Lizard Jesus?
The Lizard Jesus, yeah.
Next up, I asked you what Justin Bieber did in Amsterdam
that proved particularly controversial. Did anyone know?
Well, Jonathan's just put "Anne Frank."
The question was, what did he do?
We need to elaborate there.
He went to the Anne Frank Museum and he signed in the book saying,
"I think Anne Frank would be a Bieleber."
No, no, no. Please give poor Justin Bieleber a chance. He said,
"I do hope she might... I wonder if she might have been a Bieleber."
Which is not necessarily a bad thing to wonder, especially if,
as he probably was, you're off your fucking tits on marijuana.
A friend of mine went to Amsterdam and took some magic mushrooms and
went to the Anne Frank Museum and thought it was like an interactive
thing where it was like Where's Wally?
And ended up trying to rip off one of the radiators, cos he thought
he heard someone behind it, but it's not embarrassing, because as I say,
it happened to a friend of mine.
- Kristen, Kristen, do you know this one? - I do know, yeah.
It's just like Jonathan said,
he said Anne Frank would love him, you know.
He thinks Anne Frank would have loved him
and I think that's really beautiful, and for people who are, like,
"That's so gross." It's like how do they know what she would have loved?
Like, she'd be like a Bright Eyes fan or something?
Well, it's a fine and complete answer. Noel and Richard?
Anne Frank stuff.
That is good enough from you. What happened was
he visited Anne Frank's house and wrote in the guest book,
"Truly inspiring to be able to come here,
"Anne was a great girl, hopefully she would have been a Bieleber".
- That's fine. That's fine. - Also, come on, he was, like, 16.
If my son, when he was 16, went to Amsterdam and I found out
he'd gone to the Anne Frank Museum, I'd be fucking amazed.
There's a lot else to do in Amsterdam.
It's a good point.
That's the most proud I've been to be British this year
because, like, last year we had the Olympics, we had the royal wedding,
like, national pride was at an all-time high and I thought
we were never going to get that again.
And then in February, Justin Bieber came to this island
and within four days, we broke the fucker.
Proud of ourselves.
YOU should be proud of yourselves.
And next up, Will Ferrell asked you what extraordinary hobby
George W Bush was revealed to have taken up. Anyone get it?
- Yup. - He wrote the wrong thing.
Stalking. And then I put "Dash, deer not women," because he's a hunter.
He likes hunting, so it's... He was stalking deer.
- It's a practice where you follow deer around. - That's not the answer.
- You could not be more wrong. - He paints portraits of himself
and of dogs and he's actually not that bad. And I just wish
he would have believed in himself and had enough confidence
to become an artist before he got into his presidential phase.
If he'd only really given it a go, you know?
Same as Hitler, to a certain extent.
If he'd just stuck with the painting...
How much damage could he have done, you know?
He painted portraits of himself in the bath, didn't he? The bathroom?
That's very specific. Let's have a look at some of the paintings.
That's all right. It's a pretty good dog.
I mean, that's a grown man that was the most powerful man in the world
that did that, so well done.
- NOEL: Yeah! That's pretty fucking cool, that one. - That's all right.
This one's better. This next one, look at that.
Who's that in the mirror?
Chris Huhne in prison.
OK, next up, I asked you
if you could name one of Godfrey Bloom's gaffes this year.
How did you get on?
Was he the one who called those break-out meetings at UKIP's party,
he referred to women as sluts?
That is one of the things he did. Jack, Jonathan?
He's the Bonga-Bonga man, as well, isn't he?
He's the one who talked about sending people to Bonga-Bonga land
and we've put "Slutgate", because we popularised it in that way.
OK. Noel, Richard?
We put, he said something that wasn't racist.
But we put Bongoland in the corner.
Presumably the one you have, the one you have is when he hit
- somebody with a catalogue? - Yeah.
He hit a Channel 4 reporter with a brochure, party brochure.
Somebody pointed out that,
"There are no black faces on your montage of UKIP supporters."
So he thought about it for a second
and weighed up the pros and cons...and just hit him.
He hit him over the head and called him a racist.
Let's have a look.
Mr Bloom, what do you make of the front cover of this,
your, the conference brochure with no black faces on it?
What a racist comment is that. How dare you!
That's an appalling thing to say.
You're picking people out for the colour of their skin.
You disgust me, get out of the way.
What's appalling about making that point?
Racist. You, sir, are a racist.
Why am I a racist, for saying there aren't any black people?
You tell me this and you've checked out the colour of people's faces.
Disgraceful, disgraceful.
Now that's good TV!
That reminds me so much of my dad, when he found out
that our local newsagents was stocking the Guardian.
You bastards!
He also said British aid shouldn't be sent to Bongo-Bongo land.
But you know what? He is right, because if we're sending aid
to Bongo-Bongo land, that's wrong, because it doesn't fucking exist.
It's where they make Um Bongo.
Final answer, final answer.
I asked you what unexpected thing Helen Mirren did
whilst dressed up as the Queen. Did you know?
Scaring people in Madame Tussauds.
That would be so much fun.
She was doing whatever play she's doing in the West End
and there were drummers drumming outside and she left the show,
mid-show, and it was just in the middle of one of the acts and said,
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "I'll be back in a minute." Or whatever.
I don't do the Queen's voice.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "One must go and tell some drummers to fuck off."
Went outside and turned all Danny Dyer on them.
"You fucking slags. Fucking drummer!"
"Fucking drum you, cow."
And then, off they go.
Noel, Richard?
- Told drummer to fuck off. - That is the right answer.
I've got the direct quote, which was
"Shut the fuck up, people have paid fucking £100
"for their theatre tickets"
- to a group of drummers outside the theatre. - I think she had a point.
Yeah, but what if she'd accidentally stumbled into Stomp?
So it's that part of the show where I introduce a mystery guest.
All you have to do is guess who they are and how
they made the news this year. Ladies and gentlemen, our mystery guest.
APPLAUSE
How are you? It's very nice to meet you.
OK, so you can only ask questions that she can answer yes or no.
Did you get your tights from Danny Dyer?
- No. - Were you in Spice Girls: The Musical?
- No. - Congratulations.
Yes, well done.
Is your name Amanda Knox?
No.
Yes or no?
Did you appear on television?
Yes.
Did you appear on it unwillingly?
- No. - Was the situation blurred?
- Yes. - Did you win MasterChef?
- No. - Is it a cooking show?
- No. - Is it...? - A performing show?
- Yeah. - Are you the lady that operates Bruce Forsyth?
- So it's a big show on television, big reality show. - Not that big.
There was a news story off the back of this.
It was a reality show and there was a news story off the back of it,
cos it was such an extraordinary thing that happened.
Have you been on the Jonathan Ross... Oh, no,
it's a big show, you said!
Another clue would be you were on a show
and I think it is fair to say that you were not...you were not invited.
- Oh, yes, I know, you threw an egg at someone. - Yes.
Write down your answers. You've got to write down your answer.
- He gave the whole answer to everyone. - You didn't say.
- What was it again? - She threw an egg.
OK, let's see what everyone put.
Jack, Jonathan, you went with?
We went with threw egg on Cowell.
- Richard? - We just went with threw an egg
at someone on Britain's Got Talent.
- Dara? - Threw an egg, like Jack said.
So tell them who you are.
My name's Natalie Holt and I threw some eggs at Simon Cowell.
What's the back story to it anyway? I never really got why you did it.
Well, I just thought Simon Cowell's got too much power
and influence in the music industry,
so I thought it would be funny to throw an egg at him.
And you, young lady, were correct.
It was very funny. Let's have a look at you in action.
♪ The unreachable
♪ Star
♪ And I always dream
♪ The impossible dream... ♪
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
I've got one more question.
- Go ahead, Noel. - Will you marry me?
Holy cow!
I'm marrying somebody else, sorry.
Oh, for fuck's sake!
Really good aim.
You were, like, 30 feet away from him and he got him on the head.
I got him twice.
How did you get backstage and onto the stage for that?
I was booked to mime in this backing orchestra with an act that was on
the show and I just thought, "Well, I could pelt them with eggs."
Have you ever considered becoming a terrorist?
Natalie Holt, everyone, give her a round of applause.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's take a quick look and see what that's done to the scores.
Jack and Jonathan have 9 points,
Noel and Richard have 21.
In the lead, Dara and Kristen with 22.
Time for another break.
Once again, Natalie, give her a round of applause.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz.
This round is all about lifestyle -
the fads, fashions, technologies and trends of 2013.
Grand Theft Auto 5 was an enormous hit this year.
The big moral question is, does playing Grand Theft Auto
affect the way one relates to hookers
you've kidnapped in the real world?
The Share A Coke campaign
launched this year,
advertisers discovered people all over the world
enjoy having their teeth dissolved by something with their name on it.
Right, and for our first question, it's over to Rizzle Kicks.
Wassup, Jimmy?
Now, as pop sensations,
it's very important we keep ourselves looking shipshape.
- These bad boys didn't happen overnight. - Where's the beach?
One of the biggest health fads this year was the 5:2 diet,
but can your teams explain how it actually works?
So, that's the Rizzle Kicks.
Can we have another look at the Rizzle Kicks, there?
One of them looks as if he might be solving a murder.
That'll be Harley.
Harley - I love the Rizzle Kicks.
I love Rizzle Kicks.
Do you really love Rizzle Kicks?
Yes, I love Rizzle Kicks.
Do you go to their gigs?
- Ye... - I have never...
Wear their badges, got their album?
I hate people who are only getting on the Rizzle Kicks bandwagon now,
because I was there when they were just starting off.
OK, next question.
Have a look at this clip of a woman sitting down to a bite to eat.
Why was this newsworthy?
Here she is.
She's eating a bit of burger there.
Why did that make the news? Why on earth would that be a story?
Jonathan, what have you got? What's going on?
Well, last year Jack had some pizza delivered.
- Because it's Boxing Day... - Oh, you've got some bread. - Yeah.
We thought we'd make some food for us.
Oh, what have you got?
I've got some bread and we've got some turkey.
Last year, I ordered pizza for everyone, a lovely gesture.
This year, you've brought your old turkey.
Oh, thank you, Jonathan. You're so generous.
Oh, and, yeah, just go ahead with your hands.
- We just...? - You can add some mayo if you want.
Jonathan, this is the least appetising thing I've ever seen.
- Are we allowed to eat this, Jonathan? - Yes.
Are there any vegetarians here in the audience?
DARA: Stop squeezing the sandwich. What is this process...?
LAUGHTER
- Don't throw turkey at people. - I'm sorry.
You know how Jonathan makes a sandwich, right?
Jonathan puts the things between the bread
and then squeezes really hard...
It's called a post-Christmas sandwich.
We're in the middle of a quiz here.
CORK POPS Ooh!
What noise did you just make, Jack?
That was the bottle.
Jimmy, I've also got some presents for people.
These are, and I'm re-gifting, these are unwanted gifts.
I thought I would bring them in anyway.
That's really kind of you.
That I want.
Unwanted Christmas gift.
- I don't know. - Jonathan!
Oh, I haven't seen that, can I have that?
- Yeah... - Trust me, you don't want to watch that.
Do you know what, Jonathan?
Did you actually go out and buy two copies just for this?
No, these are the ones you gave me.
All the fun over here.
I'm going to put some turkey in this...
If we put your jacket on the turkey, it'll look like it's alive.
I think you should wear the turkey as a hat.
But that's the perfect present.
It's a Jimmy Carr DVD with turkey in it.
- Noel? - This is unbelievable. - Noel?
- Yeah, what's happened? - Noel, if Dara were to put on your coat,
you would look like the baddie in Despicable Me.
I'm just saying, that would...
I just think it would look amazing.
We're all fans of Despicable Me, yes?
AUDIENCE CHEERS And then if I put...
I don't want to stretch it, here...
You might have to just put - oh, wow!
That's great.
It's like a small scarf on me!
Your coat is like a throw for me.
We should do... This is just a much better way to do television shows.
- Why don't we carry on like this? - Let's carry on like this, Kristen.
Am I getting yelled at right now?
Let's carry on...
Are you serious?!
I like the fact that Jonathan brought out the turkey
as a bit of a gag, and now has eaten half a sandwich.
It's really good turkey.
Now we just look like two people who met at a festival...
..and are badly coming down off of drugs.
LAUGHTER
Let's quiz.
- OK, let's quiz, let's quiz, everyone. - Come on.
I'm ready to quiz.
OK, time for another guest question.
This time it's over to astronaut Chris Hadfield.
Hey, lovely Chris.
Hi, Jimmy. Chris Hadfield here.
This year, I spent five months on the International Space Station.
I had the chance to photograph and tweet some incredible images
of our Earth, but what did I do just before I came home from space
that has since been viewed over 19 million times on YouTube?
OK, so Chris wants to know what he did in space
that attracted 19 million hits on YouTube.
How can we carry on with the quiz? I feel so empowered.
- If you could just write down... - I feel like Henry VIII.
No!
Next question.
You just hit Keith Richards in the face.
I feel like I'm on a really weird one-night stand at Glastonbury
and I don't know when's the time to...
- I've got to get back to my tent. - OK...
I would give you my number but my phone's run out of battery, so...
let's maybe just call it quits.
Dara, I'd get yourself checked.
Seriously.
OK, so one of my favourite actors is asking the next question.
It's Paul Rudd, everyone.
- They're all your favourite actors. - God, he's such a crawler.
Hi, Jimmy!
Now, obviously, I'm a major newshound
and I don't miss a single scoop.
One story in particular caught my eye this year.
In November, 23-year-old Evan Spiegel
reportedly turned down an offer of $3 billion from Facebook.
Can your teams tell me why?
Final question on this round, OK?
Does anyone mind if I just have a sleep?
- Just curl up. - Do you want me to spoon you?
OK, night! Wake me up in four fucking hours when this is over.
Good night, sweet prince.
JACK: Here's a pillow for you.
OK, you don't need me for the rest of this, do you?
No, no, you have a little nap over there, OK.
Time for a Say What You See question.
I'm going to show you a series of pictures that spell out a phrase.
For example, this spells...
Noel... Field... Ding.
- Yeah. - Good.
Let's liven your desk up a bit.
Because, again, you've come as colours of Wimbledon, you freak.
It does look like you're standing on a giant tennis court.
"Oh, it was a really tough match."
LAUGHTER
"A ball came and I had to hit it back, really tough."
OK, so final question, Say What You See,
so all you've got to do is say what you see here.
- Say What You See. - Say what you see, say what you see, OK.
- Well... Oh. - Ah.
THEY WHISPER
It's a technology story, if that's a clue.
What? That doesn't even make sense.
Boom! We've got it.
Wow(!)
- Oh, all right. - Well, that's...good.
Right, I'm throwing turkey at you.
No, don't throw turkey. No throwing turkey.
Hey, when that starts...
we've all got a lot of turkey to throw.
I think - well, if there's an arms race,
I think Jonathan's very much in the lead, there.
OK, some answers.
First up, Rizzle Kicks asked you how the 5:2 diet works.
Does anyone know?
Five meals...
two fingers.
That's got to be it, right?
That is incorrect, but that also works, but don't try it.
Noel, Richard?
Two days no eating, five days eat.
Tarzan wrote that.
I thought it was for every five glasses of alcohol,
it's two glasses of water.
- That is a great diet. - Yeah.
Yeah, five days normal eating
and for two days, you eat about 500, 600 calories.
That is the right answer. OK, so Noel and Richard, you get a point,
Dara and Kristen you get a point. Marvellous.
OK, next question.
We saw a woman sitting down to have a bite to eat.
What was going on here? Why was this newsworthy?
KRISTEN: She's smelling for horse meat.
You see, this is the point at which
I've clearly walked away from the desk.
"Smelling for horse meat," we seem to have written at this point.
JACK: I know what it is. I just put a squiggle because I panicked,
but it's a woman who's trying meat and it's been made by robots.
It was robot...genetically mutated.
Yes, it's genetically modified meat. It's not actually from an animal.
It was meat grown in the air.
Noel, what have you written?
Genetically modified burger.
Yeah, she was eating the world's first lab burger.
The burger cost a staggering £250,000 to make.
JACK: Lamb?
Not lamb. Lab.
Cos I've had several lamb burgers and they are delicious.
Especially if you have them with tzatziki.
I can give you the ingredients and I'll get an extra point for it.
OK, next up, Chris Hadfield asked you
what he did in space that got 19 million hits on YouTube.
Did you know?
I put, "Two astronauts, one cup."
If you thought the one on Earth was messy...
He's coming on Stargazing in a week's time.
I'm really looking forward to meeting him
and I don't want him to see that what we wrote was...
- Cake farts. - Cake farts.
This was a big hit,
cake farts is when, preferably a woman, will fart on a cake
and up close so you can see the icing vibrating...
and it's beautiful.
It's like watching sound, like, visually...and it's a big trend.
So, cake farts in space. Boy!
- Just like two cups. - Yeah. - Or whatever.
Noel, Richard?
I was over there being...disrobed.
Richard, what did you get?
I put Gangnam Style, I was upset.
Noel had left.
He performed a version of David Bowie's Space Oddity.
Let's have a look.
♪ This is Major Tom to ground control
♪ I've left forevermore
♪ And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
♪ And the stars look very different today... ♪
OK, next up, Paul Rudd asked you why 23-year-old Evan Spiegel
turned down an offer of $3 billion from Facebook in November.
- Did you know why? - We didn't even hear that question.
Was that when they were making love on the floor in front of us?
- Yes. - We got distracted.
Did he turn the money down?
Yes, he turned down $3 billion.
That's crazy talk.
Kristen, Dara, what did you get for this?
We apparently got...
They mistook him for a starving country.
- So, you thought... - $3 billion. He was like, "Oh, no,
"I'm not a country that needs to feed all these people.
"I'm just some guy with an app, so why would you give me $3 billion?
"So, I'll turn that money away so you can put it to good."
What a lovely sentiment this time of year, what a beautiful thing to say.
- OK, and Noel, Richard? - What have you put?
I can't even - oh, we got this.
- No, we didn't. - No, no.
I put, "He was owed more and he was haggling."
- So vague. - No, he was the guy that came up with Snapchat
and he turned down $3 billion.
- Jimmy, get on with the show. - All right.
Put the knife down, eh? It's a lot of fun, I know.
- Don't play with the knife. - Who are you, Crocodile Dundee?
I asked you to say what you saw.
How did you get on?
Decannon Ted Flamefist.
Decannon, which is a very popular name in...
somewhere. Flame fist.
- NOEL: We got this. - It could mean anything.
- We nailed this. - OK, Noel, Richard?
3-D printed firearm.
Let fat rain.
- Oh, 3-D! - Dara, Kristen?
- We said 3-D printed firearm. - It does say...
Well, you got it, it's the 3-D printed firearm.
It was the Liberator gun, which you could use a 3-D printer to make,
was released this year.
Decannon Ted Flamefist.
That was the guy that did it.
The guy that made the 3-D printer was called Decannon Ted Flamefist.
He was from Jamaica and his name was Decannon.
Now you've had a drink, you're getting a little bit racist.
OK, let's get some scores.
Jack and Jonathan have nine, they're lucky to even have that.
And...well, neck and neck here,
Noel and Richard and Dara and Kristen have both got 24 points.
- Ooh! - Ooh!
Neck and neck.
See you after the break for the final part of the Big Fat Quiz.
Welcome back to the Big Fat Quiz of the year.
This round is all about the talking points and scandals
that shook the year.
One billion Euro-worth of arts stolen by the Nazis was recovered.
The Nazis originally seized the art between 1939 and 1945,
during what art historians call Hitler's "Angry Period".
Boris Johnson was revealed to have a love child this year.
Boris has had a string of affairs with women
or, as they've become known, Boris bikes.
Everyone was worried about the false widow spider this year.
Of course, the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider
is that you're probably Australian.
OK, let's have some scandal questions.
Our first question comes from a performance artist,
muppet and self-described weirdo, the Great Gonzo.
Yeeeh!
Hi, Jimmy, it's Gonzo here, one of the stars of our new movie,
Muppets Most Wanted.
And, you know, as a world-class bog snorkeler and performance artist,
I've been in some pretty locations, including this place here.
But none are stranger than the streets of Kingston upon Thames.
Can you tell me what unusual object was found by Thames Water staff
in a sewer under those very streets?
The Great Gonzo wants to know what was discovered
lurking in the sewers under Kingston, in West London,
in August this year.
OK, this year, embattled mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford,
faced a series of controversies,
most notably being filmed smoking crack cocaine.
But how did he defend himself
when accused of making sexual advances to a colleague?
THEY GIGGLE
Jack and Jonathan, what are you...? Sitting at the back giggling!
We're going to smoke a cigarette later.
OK, next up, it's over to Strictly superstar, Sophie Ellis-Bextor.
Hello, Jimmy.
Well, I wore some fabulous outfits when I was on Strictly,
but I wasn't the only one dressing up.
In September, a mysterious costumed figure got over 196,000 likes
on Facebook, which sparked the tabloid frenzy
to try and unmask him. Can you remember who it is?
So, Sophie wants to know what mysterious figure everyone
wanted to unmask this year.
What serious figure everyone wanted to unmask?
What mysterious figure everyone wanted to unmask.
- Mysterious figure... - There was a mysterious figure... - ..unmask. - ..wearing a... - ..everyone.
- Figure. - Who wears a mask?
Maybe it's the person from The Cube.
Is it John Merrick?
- It's not John Merrick, no. - OK.
John McCririck?
It was not John McCririck or John Merrick.
Next question, in what unusual location did a £14,000
rose garden appear this year?
Is it, like, a really posh accident black spot?
So, rose garden. Where have you seen roses this year that you thought, "That's remarkable"?
Oh, we've got it, we've got it, mate. Move on, sister.
Have you guys got this?
I have no idea.
The Louvre - that's a peculiar place for roses.
Finally, over to the one, the only Harry Hill.
Hi, Jimmy.
I've been supplied a question that I'm asking you,
as if it's one that I've come up with.
Listen, in August this year,
photos taken at a zoo in China's Henan province
became an internet sensation, but can your teams tell me why?
Why, Jimmy, why?
Harry Hill there. He's been enjoying Christmas, hasn't he?
OK, let's get some answers.
The Great Gonzo asked you what was discovered
lurking in the sewers under Kingston, West London, in August.
- Anyone get this? - Yes.
Danny Dyer's leggings stash.
That is not the correct answer. What did you get?
There's a giant ball of fat.
What did you get, Noel, Richard?
Wet wipes and a wad of fat the size of Canada.
Of a galleon, not Canada, a galleon.
A galleon.
Well, you're absolutely right.
It was the fat burg, a bus-sized lump of congealed lard
and wet wipes found floating in the sewer.
Where is it now?!
Doing the night route down to Trafalgar Square.
I asked you how Toronto mayor Rob Ford defended himself
when accused of making sexual advances to a colleague.
Did anyone know?
We said he's got pussy on tap.
That's, sort of, the right idea. Noel, Richard?
Put Blurred Lines, she didn't know that she wanted intercourse.
Dara, Kristen?
They were like you, you said that you would, can I say this,
eat her pussy and he was like,
"Never, I got all the pussy I could eat at home."
Like, I am full.
That is 100% correct.
Let's have a look at him defending himself.
Oh, and the last thing was Olivia Dondeck said
that I wanted to eat her pussy.
Olivia Dondeck, I've never said that in my life to her.
I would never do that. I'm happily married,
I've got more than enough to eat at home. Thank you.
More than enough.
That pussy is just relentless.
OK, Sophie Ellis-Bextor there asked you which mysterious figure
everyone wanted to unmask this year.
- Tara, tara, tara... - Jegging man!
OK, what did you go for, Noel, Richard?
He put Kojak, who doesn't even wear a mask.
That's why it's so difficult to unmask him.
- Always thinking. - Bravo! - Kristen, did you get this?
We said the Northampton clown.
And that is the right answer.
Basically, they set up a web page called Spot Northampton's Clown
and then they'd post clues as to where he would be.
Oh, Jesus, what, in that river,
with a necklace made out of children's shoes.
OK, next answer,
I asked you where a £14,000 rose garden appeared this year.
Did you know?
- Yes. - Yeah. - Go on.
BOTH: Danny Dyer's leggings.
That is not the case. Dara, Kristen?
I guessed the Tube because that,
what a happy thing for the Tube. That would really liven it up.
It would be lovely.
Noel, Richard, did you get this?
No, we put David Cameron's back.
That was so close.
Gaga. Gaga's head.
It's actually Cheryl Cole's backside.
- Yes... - Oh, fuck, yeah, of course!
Yeah, but how do we know that Cheryl Cole's backside has not
been in Danny Dyer's leggings?
Can you imagine, on a hot day in the summer,
the problem he has with green fly.
The roses look like they've been burned.
They do look like burnt roses. They're very dark, aren't they?
Maybe she was trying to blowtorch the aphids off.
We're really getting a long view of her butt.
And finally, Harry Hill asked you how photos of a zoo in Henan
- province in China ended up going viral, did you know? - Yes.
Were they building boxes for pandas to have sex in?
To be filmed by Channel 4.
Pandas in boxes having sex is not the right answer. Kristen?
You go ahead, Dara.
Yeah, they replaced the animals, or they didn't have animals,
so they put dogs into the cages instead, pretending to be
lions and what not.
But they looked, the dogs had a nice mane, so you could be like,
as a child, you could be like in awe
and have a nice trip at the zoo.
Noel, Richard, what did you get?
- We got a dog disguised as lion. - OK, let's take a look.
So this is the lion in a Henan zoo in China.
It looks more like a bear.
That is, let's have a look at it next to a real lion
just so you can see, just in case you forgot what a lion looks like.
Oh, Jack, Jack, I think I've got a joke for you.
I don't know what kind of a dog that is,
but I think it might be a...shih-tzu.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, let's check in on scores.
Jack and Jonathan have ten points.
OK, Noel and Richard have 26.
Kristen and Dara have 28, just in the lead, OK?
There are a total of eight points on offer here.
So, we're fucked, anyway.
There is no chance in hell you can come back, but for pride.
There's 18 points for this final question.
OK, we're looking for three things - the biggest-selling single of 2013,
the most-watched TV event of 2013
and the biggest-selling game of 2013.
All you've got to do is get all three right
and you get an extra bonus two points.
So it's the biggest-selling single of 2013 according to the
official chart company, the most-watched TV event of 2013,
the biggest selling game of 2013.
OK, so two points for each and a bonus two points
if you get all three of them.
It's really between Kristen and Dara, and Noel and Richard here.
We're having a fight.
You're having a domestic?
- We're having a dispute, yes. - Yeah.
So one more answer from you and then we're there.
This is it, ladies and gentlemen, this is the final question.
OK, let's see what everyone got. Let's go to Jack and Jonathan first.
Biggest selling single, Blurred Lines.
Might have the name wrong on the next one -
Dara Does Some Maths.
Big, huge, huge.
Which is my favourite maths show.
I disagreed with him on the last one, but he argued me down.
The best game, Boggle.
- Every year... - It is a good game, it's a great game.
It is a classic game.
OK, Dara, you've got...?
Dangerously, we've gone for Get Lucky by Daft Punk
- as the biggest single, she disagrees. - Yep.
- What do you think it is, Kristen? - Blurred Lines.
- You think Blurred Lines. - But the picture of... - But he was like, "Roar, roar, roar..."
That's what I did, I went, "Roar, roar, roar, roar, roar, roar."
- "Give me pen, I write!" - Well, sort of.
Anyway, we went for Britain's Got Talent final
and went for Grand Theft Auto 5.
- Yeah. - OK, and Noel, Richard?
- Blurred Lines. - Blurred Lines.
Prince George.
- Prince George, the TV event. - Yeah.
- Me, neither, OK. - Yeah.
That bit with the reporter, that bit. The biggest.
Sure, and then?
Grand Theft Auto 5.
OK, well, I can tell you definitively the biggest single
of the year was Blurred Lines.
- Holla! - That's right, I say. - A-ha!
Daft Punk are in second place.
The biggest TV event of the year was of course, Wimbledon - the final.
- Oooh! - May have been for viewing figures, but not for minds!
OK, the biggest selling game was Grand Theft Auto 5.
- Boggle. - Boggle.
So let's have a look and see what that's done to the final scores.
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
It means Jack and Jonathan have got 12 points,
while joint winners Dara and Kristen, and Noel and Richard,
- have both got 30 points. - That's brilliant.
You have to share the trophy.
For the first time in the Big Fat Quiz, you have to share this.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Joint winners.
A big thank you to our amazing panel, all our special guests.
Thank you for watching.
I'm Jimmy Carr, this has been The Big Fat Quiz 2013.
Good night!
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