Oh my God, it was great.
You should've seen I mean, it was great.
This thing, no, no, this weird thing,
this big weird thing just right here,
just out of... came out of nowhere
Quinn!
I think I just knocked out the power.
Good morning, Northern California.
"Day Tripper" with you. What are you doing still in bed,
will you tell me that? I can understand the people in San Francisco
don't get me wrong but you folks in the East Bay,
you folks on the peninsula, you've got jobs.
Come on, let's get going, let's get hopping.
Special show for you today here with the Day Tripper.
All morning long, our first annual
"Miss Nude Feminist Pageant." I'm serious.
Very angry gals coming in all morning long to take their tops off.
You got to stay tuned. You don't want to miss a minute.
- Morning, Mom. - Morning.
I got to fly. I got a million things
Eat.
You're too much like your father.
Up all night, working crazy hours.
Look what happened to him. He worked himself to death.
Mom, Dad was hit by a car.
But he was on his way to work.
That's my point. He had too much on his mind.
Better than too little.
Is that the same shirt you had on yesterday?
What? I took a shower.
Young man, there's a clean pile of laundry on the dryer.
Run downstairs and pick something.
It's about time you got to those.
That pile's been on my floor for a week.
- When are you going to make up my room? - You watch it, buster!
Two more semesters and I'm turning this place into a bed and breakfast.
I got dibs on the basement.
That's the only reason you're not on the streets already.
It would take years to get rid of all that junk.
September 13th my attempt to create
the world's first anti-gravity device
has taken a decidedly bizarre turn.
Anti-grav, uh-uh. Something else, definitely.
But what?
Whoo!
September 21st.
After days of careful analysis,
I've come to the conclusion that the center of the ring
could be the mouth of a tunnel
or a gateway to another existence.
Quinn, don't you have class today?
You know, Michael, I worry about that kid sometimes.
He's too smart for his own good.
Who are you talking to?
Your father and I were having a private conversation.
Tell him I said hi.
Yes.
- Bye, Mom. - Bye.
It's time to overthrow the chains of capitalist oppression.
Communism will sweep the world
and the days of the US imperialist war machine
are numbered!
Take heed, boy.
Join the revolution or suffer the consequences!
Thanks for the warning!
As even the most intellectually impoverished physicist knows,
the largest symmetry group of a single Dirac field is...?
The silence is deafening.
Oh, come along, come along!
You're supposed to be the brightest of the bright,
the best there is. You are my students.
Miss Zachary?
Montague?
Mr. Wing?
Mr. Mallory,
I have devoted many years of my life
honing my considerable intelligence
so that I could impart a subject this complex with lucidity.
You might at least do me the courtesy, sir,
to pretend that you are listening to me.
I won't even bother to ask you the answer, which is,
my dear babes in the wood,
U4.
That's U4, Mr. Bennish,
not U2.
Ladies and gentlemen, you disappoint me.
This intellectual torpor may be sufficient
to earn you a job in some disaster-prone part of the world
like Chernobyl or NASA,
but it won't cut the mustard with me.
I should've gone to law school like my old man wanted.
This relativistic quantum pop cosmology
is such a mindwarper.
If you ask me, Professor Arturo's not nearly as smart as he thinks he is.
Oh! The man should be a Nobel Laureate
for his theory on coset wormholes and Kaehler orbifolds.
And I just read his thesis on Chiral field anomalies. It's killer.
That's not on the class list, is it?
Nah, just a little light reading.
Look, there's really no sense
in dropping $20,000 on this system right now.
I'd wait a month. The CD-ROM seek rates
are still in the 130 millisecond range,
there's tons of screen flicker
and the new Pentium controller chips from Intel
will make these MX 480s obsolete.
Now I know I'll be back.
Why don't you two poke around here? I'll be back in a minute.
Hi, Quinn.
- Hey, I scored those hockey tickets. - Oh, great.
My ex-boyfriend's got connections.
I can't believe he actually got jealous.
He thinks that I'm going on some hot date. Funny, huh?
Wade!
Uh-oh, watch it. "Mr. Computer Boy's" on the warpath.
Ah, Mallory, how good of you to join us.
And only nine minutes late this time.
God, will wonders never cease?
$20,000 just walked out the front door.
So, next month they'll spend 50 on the 680s.
She's right, Michael, I told you not to order those things.
Every single hard drive has crashed.
Hey, don't get smart with me.
This computer store pays your rent, mister.
If it weren't for my mistakes, you'd be out of a job.
Oh.
One missing piece.
You'd think after three months I'd be able to crack it.
Some genius.
But while searching for the answer,
accidents may happen.
Amazing accidents.
September 25th.
For three days, I've been sending objects into the void
a paper airplane, Rubik's Cube,
even my T-Rex. I figured the carnivore could take care of himself.
All vanished without a trace.
Last night I perfected a timing device,
designed to return things from wherever it is they're going.
I sent another object in...
19 minutes, 40 seconds ago,
with the timer set on 20 minutes.
With any luck it should be returning...
right about... now!
And the crowd goes crazy.
Mm-mm!
September 26th I've been thinking about sending "Schrodinger" through.
First cat into the void.
But if anything were to happen,
I know I couldn't live with that.
Still, the need to know overwhelms the human instinct for self-preservation.
Of course, sending the camera is the logical choice,
but the electrical field nukes the picture.
So...
tomorrow morning, I myself will step through the gate,
and finally see what's on the other side.
September 27th well, here goes nothing.
I've set the timer for 15 minutes,
but, Mom, in the event something goes wrong and I don't return,
this is a message for you.
I want you to know that I love you very much,
and I hope you understand that I have to do this.
Try not to worry.
You know me. Wherever I am, I'm probably having a blast.
Oh, and don't throw out any of my stuff.
Who knows? I might make it back one day.
See you soon, Schrodinger!
I hope.
Oh, no.
I don't believe this.
Quinn?
Honey, don't you have class today?
I'm a failure, Schrodinger.
I'm right back where I started.
I have been skeptical
about this scientific theory, so-called, about "global cooling",
but I don't know, maybe it's true.
The air conditioning has got this studio so cold right now,
no wonder nobody wants to come in here topless.
What are you, blind? It's a green light, for crying out loud!
This is kind of sad. This is the day
when the very last CD rolls off the assembly line.
I say "roll off" I don't know how they get off it.
Apparently they just weren't selling. The vinyl LP won the battle,
and vinyl, ladies and gentlemen, is here to stay.
Hey, everybody, it's crazy. Did you see this in the paper this morning?
Jack Kennedy does not want to run for another term.
I can understand this, people. If you start the day in bed with Marilyn,
that's where you want to spend the day.
Weird, "Tripper." Weird, and not real funny.
Hey, come on!
What's your problem?
Where'd you learn to drive?
- Wha...? - Let's go, let's go!
All right, all right.
This really gets my goat
now the Mexican government is complaining
about all the Americans who are moving
across the border illegally to live in Mexico.
What? What's going on?
If these people just care about getting a better job
and a higher standard of living, good riddance to them.
My God... where am I?
Red is "go," green is "stop."
What did you do, honey? Forget something?
Mom, look at you!
You're
I mean, you and Jake?
He's our gardener!
Yes!
- Mom! - What is it?
Mom!
Quinn! Honey, honey, put me down and get to school.
You're going to be late again.
But I'm home, Mom, home!
Jake! Jake!
How you doing? Great to see you.
You look great. Better than ever!
Ha!
I'm sorry, Professor. Forgive me.
I don't mean to interrupt, but we have to talk.
I do not believe we have anything more to say to each other.
Professor...
the Einstein-Rosen-Podolskybridge I crossed it.
Get out of my class!
Wait... what's happening here?
Very well,
if you will not leave, I will.
Don't you ever talk about my theories like that again.
Class dismissed.
Man, I can't believe you came back.
The guy's "Three Mile Island." It's going to take him years to cool off.
He's right, dude.
I think Arturo is a pompous windbag too,
but I'd never have the guts to say it to his face.
Big time congrats!
All right.
Quinn...
what are you doing here?
I work here, remember?
Not anymore, you don't.
Have you completely flipped?
Get out of here before he calls the cops.
Who, Hurley? Come on, Wade, I'm not that late.
The man just fired you.
For what?
For telling him to stick his computers where
There's something really strange going on.
I swear to God, that was not me.
Oh... right.
I suppose now you're going to tell me
that kiss meant nothing.
Kiss?
Oh my God.
I kissed Hurley. No wonder I'm fired.
Will you stop it? It was with me.
Don't you dare tell me that you don't remember.
But that's just it why would I kiss you?
We're buds, right? Lt'd be like incest.
What else did I do?
I don't think that this is funny.
You're right, it's not.
Please wait. Humor me. I'm losing my mind!
I'll say. You've completely snapped.
It's like I'm Dr. Jekyll all of a sudden.
It was really great
the look on his face.
Wade!
Look, Quinn, you'd better get out of here.
Go home and get some rest.
That brain of yours is fried. Go!
Had an accident on the job?
I know how to exploit the law to secure the benefits you deserve.
I was relaxing on the job
when someone accidentally dropped an anvil on my head.
Ross J. Kelly got me $1 million.
I'm Ross J. Kelly and I won't take no for an answer.
I'll fight for you.
- Excuse me, Ann. - Hello, Claude.
You're home early.
Mom, have I done anything to upset you today?
Not that I'm aware of Why, are you planning to?
God, I hope not.
Oh, man, did I lock you down here, Schrode?
I'm sorry.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
Stepping into the hole must've messed up my mind.
Maybe the energy field causes hallucin
- Oh my God. Who did this? - I did.
Or should I say... you did?
- Who are you? - Isn't it obvious? I'm you.
My God.
The gateway...
it split me in half!
Not hardly. I'm you, Quinn,
but I'm not from this world. I'm from another Earth.
An Earth that exists in a parallel dimension.
There may be hundreds, even thousands of Earths,
all coexisting on the same multidimensional space-time continuum.
- How do you know that? - Because I'm a "slider".
This happens to be my eighth "slide".
Slider?
Yeah.
Little term I cooked up. You like it?
Yeah. It's pretty cool.
You probably would've dreamt it up yourself sooner or later.
It's a safe bet we think alike.
Mostly.
That's the entrance to a wormhole that runs between worlds.
When you step inside,
you "slide" through to another universe,
completely distinct and separate from your own.
Can you choose your destination?
Fraid not. Or at least, not yet.
Think of a roulette wheel with an infinite number of slots,
each slot representing a different planet Earth.
Each time you slide, you're spinning the wheel
never knowing where the ball will come up.
- Quinn, telephone! - I'll call 'em back!
Sorry.
I am amazed that you slid without knowing this.
I solved that old thing months ago.
Now, thanks to me, you've got the answer, too.
And you owe me big, hombre.
Thanks to you, I lost my job.
Computer hell? I did you a favor.
That guy Hurley's a putz on every world I've been to.
Amazing.
Oh, I got to go. Wife's waiting.
Been married now, two years.
You're going to love sliding, Quinn.
I've been to a world
where the Cubs have won three straight World Series.
Get out.
I once stepped onto an Earth just this side of paradise.
Where there's no pollution, no crime or hate.
People were happy, and a stranger was welcomed with love.
No one was afraid there, Quinn.
Think about that.
No one's afraid.
I had set the timer for 20 hours before I left home that day.
Not nearly enough time in a world like that.
I hope I find it again.
I'll always keep looking.
Oh, and about the timer, I got to warn you!
This is important. No matter what happens during a slide
I can't hear you!
- Yes? - Hi, Mrs. Mallory, I'm Wade.
- I work with Quinn. - It's nice to finally meet you.
Please, come in.
I am Professor Maximillian Arturo.
Oh, isn't this an honor?
My son thinks the world of you, Professor.
He does? Mmm.
Oh. Well...
we had a little bit of an altercation today
and I believe that he wishes to apologize to me.
He's in the basement as usual.
My friends ask me
- Why I cry - Cry
It's 'cause I feel like I want to die
Turn that off, Artie! Don't need to be hearing that old stuff
the night of my big comeback.
I loved the "Spinning Topps."
Wish to hell you'd never left them.
They ain't nothing without Rembrandt.
Straight down the tubes the minute I walked.
Who are you kidding?
15 number one hits minus you.
13! And they were all flukes!
What counts is "The Crying Man"
is bigger and better than ever.
Yeah, he don't need no has-been "Spinning Topps" leeching all his glory.
Hey, Artie,
my comeback is going to shock the world!
I will be bigger than ever!
Yeah, all my fans will be... Flocking to the field tonight.
Remmy, you're singing the anthem at a Giants game,
not performing for the Queen.
It's a start. That's all.
It is a rebirth.
And wait till you see my new look.
It's going to floor you, my man,
because it's totally '90s.
Yes, sir.
- Here, I'll show you. - (door opens)
Ow!
'90s, baby.
"Crying Man" is back.
What on Earth?
Wade: Wow... the "batcave"!
Oh, great, great.
Come on in, make yourselves at home.
I'll be with you in one second.
Mr. Mallory, my time is valuable.
Please don't insult me by wasting it.
If you have something to say to me, then...
Oh my God. You've solved it.
Oh, that.
Yeah, I can explain. One sec.
Explain? This piece here is a proof of a unified field theory.
That alone is the holy grail
of theoretic physics. This elegance is found here
in the basement of this...
unknown, unkempt,
unpublished,
unfortunately brilliant
ill-mannered brat!
It gets better. A lot better.
(beeping)
... and the rockets' red glare
The bombs bursting in air
Over there, over there, over there
Gave proof through the night
That our flag was still there...
Professor: The concept of a parallel universe
is a mathematical abstraction.
It's a theoretical concept.
But to imagine we have the technology to build a portal
into an alternative universe
and then move in and out of it?
Why, that's absolute nonsense.
Next you'll be tell me your dog's eaten your homework.
I... don't have a dog.
Rembrandt: Ladies and gentlemen,
back by popular demand, the highlight of the evening...
yeah! "The Crying Man,"
Mr. Rembrandt Brown.
(mimics drums)
Oh, say can you see...
(singing continues)
Radio sportscaster: Welcome to the pregame show. Well, fans,
the Giants made a roster move that came as little surprise.
Shortstop Vic Smith, who has been struggling with the leather...
three errors last night... was sent to triple-A Phoenix
to the Pacific Coast League. The Giants hope
the youngster will learn to relax and regain his confidence...
Who cares about Vic Smith? The anthem, man!
People want to know who's singing the anthem.
You mean we can just, like, slide through this,
and boom, we're on another planet?
No, same planet, different dimension.
And it's safe, right?
That is so cool!
Where do I sign up?
Don't be a child. This is not a toy.
Hey, lighten up.
Quinn's done it. And his double's gone through
nearly a dozen times.
Do you have something better to do?
This wormhole must be carefully studied.
All its permutations must be calculated.
Fine, you work out the numbers.
Quinn and I are going to take a spin around the universe.
Are you serious?
Coming?
Fine.
Then, in the interests of science,
I suppose I must go along with you for this joyride.
What do you think, five hours?
That should give us time to explore and still be home by midnight.
Yes, I would imagine you'd want a good night's sleep
before your class tomorrow.
It should be quite a doozy.
Do you think we'll all fit?
Maybe I should increase the power.
The question is, how much?
God help us.
(buzzing above)
So help me, Quinn Mallory, if you blow another fuse...
(screams)
(screaming)
(whines) My wheels... my beautiful wheels!
Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
I think I've just seen God,
and I could've sworn he was driving a Cadillac.
You okay?
Wade: Oh, man, that was so great!
It was like... better than sex.
I wouldn't go that far.
Quinn, where are we?
In my basement.
If there's a me living here,
I guess he never turned it into a laboratory.
If we're lucky, there could be candles above the washer.
(wind whistling)
What's that?
My family.
I mean, the family that lives...
lived here.
It's "Bopper"!
He...
he ran away when he was just a puppy.
We never found him.
Who's the girl?
Must be the sister I never had.
(wind howling)
Quinn: Look at this place.
(shudders)
Rembrandt: Hey, guys! Who are you?
Where am I?
Wade: My God.
Hell really did freeze over.
Quinn: We're not in Kansas anymore.
It would appear that our "roulette wheel" has landed us on a world
that has suffered a terrible climactic cataclysm.
Nuclear winter?
Quite possibly. Or a shifting of the Earth's axis,
or some sort of ecological disaster.
The question is, how are we getting home?
The same way we came. The timer will be returning us
to my basement in about four hours.
Four hours?
That's like four years in a place like this.
No, actually, string theory dictates
that time will remain the same in all parallel worlds.
Present day, wherever we are.
In fact, time will always remain concurrent
during all interdimensional slides.
You want to roll that by me again, man...
in English this time?
Four hours spent here is the same as four hours
spent on our world.
So if now is now,
I could still make the game and do the gig.
You're taking me back, and you're doing it this instant.
But I don't think I'm supposed to alter the timer.
The other Quinn, he was trying to warn me about that,
but his voice, it kept fading.
- Hold it a minute, guys. - (rumbling)
Do you hear something?
(louder rumbling)
(panting) Oh, God!
End of discussion, "Q-Ball"! We're out of here!
(loud rumbling)
- (Rembrandt moans) - What's going on?
Come on!
I hope we're doing the right thing!
Anywhere is better than here.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Wade: Come on, come on, come on!
I'm trying! Something's wrong.
(beeping)
(loud rumble)
All right, move it!
Give me a leg up.
(groaning)
Come on, Wade!
All right, come on!
Quinn: Come on, come on!
You ready?
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
My car! What about my car?
(thunderclap)
Up, up, up! Up, up!
Whoa! (grunts)
(screaming)
(screaming, groans)
(screaming)
Oooh!
(Rembrandt screaming)
Man, that trip was a trip!
Wade: Professor, where's Quinn?
Wasn't he right behind you? Didn't you see him in the void?
Girl, I didn't see a thing. I flew with my eyes closed.
What if he didn't make it?
We have to go back.
My dear child, that portal opens
on an infinite number of universes.
- I don't care. - There's no way of controlling the journey back.
If he didn't make it...
we may never see him again.
Please, Quinn...
please don't let me lose you.
Please.
(screaming)
(gasps)
Whoo-oo! That was close.
Hey, what's with the tears?
You hit your head or something?
Yeah, maybe I should have it examined.
(chuckles)
Home!
Professor: Yes, nothing quite like it.
7:25. I can almost still make it.
If I had a car, that is!
You have to explain this to the insurance boys.
Going to have to tell them how my beautiful red sled
is on another planet where it's stuck in a freakin' iceberg!
They're never going to buy that when I put in my claim!
We'll worry about that later, Mr. Brown.
Right now, you've got an anthem to sing.
Yeah, yeah, right. I got to catch a cab.
That's what a man without a car is forced to do!
Don't you never do that again, you hear?
Jeez, 7:25 and I'm out here
trying to catch me a cab! (mutters, swears)
Oh, man!
Hey! (whistles)
Over here! That's it, come on!
Down here, baby.
Down here.
Yes!
Candlestick, my man, and step on it.
- (beeping) - Hey, guys,
I'm going to call home.
I'll catch up with you, okay?
To tell you the truth, I'm kind of sorry we're back.
I mean, think of all the other worlds out there,
and how much fun we'd have exploring them.
It seems kind of dull to be back home.
Just remember that tornado and be grateful.
The preset controls are shorted.
I wonder why it brought us to the park
instead of my basement like it's supposed to?
Perhaps that's what your double was trying to explain...
if you advance the timer, you get unforseen side-effects.
Good heavens!
Has that always been here?
Who, Abe? Yeah.
No... Lenin.
Nikolai llyich Ulyanov Lenin.
Huh-uh.
It was Lincoln, Professor.
Abraham Lincoln.
Operator: PT & T, we want you back.
Excuse me?
Operator: If you switched from PT & T to PT & T Two,
we want you back. Thanks to our "Comrades Call Comrades" program,
we can save you up to six rubles a year
on long distance to the motherland.
"PT & T"? What is this?
I just want to make a phone call.
Identify. This is operator 934.
Identify.
This is Operator 934. You will state your telephone permit number now.
You are in violation of section 33956
of the California Penal Code.
Your location has been traced.
Please remain with this unit until a communications security team arrives.
- Thanks, I'll try again later. - Failure to do so will result...
(handset clicks)
Hey..."Pay-ville"...
Pavel. Whatever.
Could you step on it a little?
(speaks Russian)
Lmmigrants.
You're going to live in the land, you've got to learn the language.
Do whatever you can, huh, chief?
While you're at it, could you turn on the Giants' game?
- You know, "baseball-ski"? - Baseball.
Reds? Reds' game?
Yeah.
Baseball game, capiche?
- (music plays) - Anthem.
Anthem? What do you mean, anthem? No, I'm the anthem.
(music continues)
Wait a minute, that don't sound right.
Must be playing a Canadian team...
Friends of the state will always be rewarded.
(crowd cheering)
But enemies must be purged
from the body!
(cheering)
The so-called lmperialist American Underground
is being crushed even as we speak.
It is simply a matter of time
before the last of their kind
are wiped from the face of our land!
(cheering)
Quinn, there's something I've got to tell you.
I know... we never made it home.
(speaking Russian) Insk vla hordka minishkin.
- What? - Minishkin, minishkin.
Oh, I gotcha. You want some moolah for the toll.
(mutters in Russian)
(chuckles)
(speaking Russian)
(alarm blares)
(guns cocking)
(whimpers)
Y'all need exact change, is that it?
You, against the wall!
Soldier: Keep them moving!
Soldier #2: You there... back with the others!
Over to the right.
Wade: This place gives me the creeps!
- When can we leave? - When the timer recharges itself.
- (gunfire) - And when will that be?
Maybe soon, maybe never.
(dog barking)
Any chance the gadget can be fixed?
Maybe, with the right tools
and a little bit of luck.
Well, if we get the right time, I hope you'll let me sit in.
I'd love to take a peek under the hood.
(distant gunfire, sirens wailing)
Rembrandt: Look, I ain't heard nothing
about no "American Underground."
Is that a band? Some kind of club?
You tell me, 'cause I don't know.
You are a very foolish man, "Mr. Brown."
Lying to us has the gravest of consequences.
I'm telling you the truth. I'm not lying.
Let's begin with your alias.
- Alias? - There is no "Rembrandt Brown" in our computer files.
A man by that name was killed 12 years ago in the Detroit uprising.
You have obviously taken on his identity
for nefarious, counterrevolutionary purposes.
- (helicopter whirrs above) - Okay, look... I can explain everything.
You see, I'm not really from this Earth.
No, look, I'm telling you the truth.
I was driving along, minding my own business,
when this crazy genius...
he zaps me into this big black hole.
The next thing I knew, my car,
it slams right into a giant iceberg... oh-hh...
You admit to handing this to the taxi driver?
Yeah. So?
Listen carefully, friend.
If you cooperate, I'll fight for you
with the High Command.
Wait a minute. Say that again.
What?
"I'll fight for you."
(fingers snap)
I knew I recognized you.
Ross J. Kelly?
The shyster lawyer from TV.
(laughing)
I've seen your mug a thousand times!
You're always telling people how you're going to get them
a trillion bucks if they've had an accident on the job.
Like that big moose construction worker
that had an anvil drop on his head.
(mocking) "Ross J. Kelly got me a million bucks."
(laughing)
It's you! (laughing continues)
He knows you, your name, your civilian profession.
How? I don't know.
Officer: We have been infiltrated.
What are you looking at?
All that stuff is wrong. I've never been on TV!
Subterfuge performed by a master.
He's flaunting his inside knowledge to unnerve us.
This man is highly skilled and extremely dangerous.
He must be tried and disposed of as quickly as possible.
Kelly: Quickly, yes.
I have connections,
and I know just the thing.
We have determined your allegiance
with fascist enemies of the state.
Therefore, I hand over
jurisdiction of your situation...
to "The People's Court,"
where you will be tried and sentenced.
(siren approaching)
(siren stops)
Soldier #1: No moving there!
- Solider #2: You've got five minutes. - Woman: This is an outrage!
- What are you charging me with? - Keep moving!
What have I done? I haven't done anything!
Soldier #2: Get those people back inside!
Woman: Let go of me, let go of me!
Soldier: This is why I'm telling you...
...you die. Ready, aim...
- Woman #2: No, please! - Soldier: Fire!
(rapid gunfire)
(woman sobbing)
We must find Rembrandt.
I don't imagine he went over too big at the ballpark.
Yeah, we can't maroon him here forever,
he'll never get home.
Anyone fancy a kielbasa?
Professor, how could you eat at a time like this?
My stomach has no political preferences. Sausage.
Sausage. $1.
$1.
- Do you have anything that goes with it? - I do.
Be careful, comrade.
Guys?
Guys! Guys?
- What's going on? - It's the damn phone company.
- What? - I disobeyed their commands and now they're after me.
All right, just stay cool.
We'll get out of this somehow. Come on.
Professor: Thank you.
Quickly, comrades, come with me.
Come on!
(distant sirens wail)
(helicopter whirrs above)
Wade Wells! My God, it is you!
Thank liberty you're still alive.
The Soviets announced your capture three days ago.
- Agent #1: You go west! - Agent #2: Right!
Woman agent: Faster!
We have to keep moving.
Feel good to be home, Commander?
(gun cocks)
(voices within)
Rebel: That's good. That's good.
Rebel #2: Where's the map, Lisa?
Wade?
Welcome to the revolution.
Oh.
A bad dream?
I was down in my basement.
My mother came looking for me.
No matter what I did, she couldn't see me.
She's lost Dad... now me.
You're not lost, you're just misplaced.
Don't worry. You'll see your mother again.
Wilkins will see you now.
Get any rest, gentlemen?
Professor: Oh, yes.
I always sleep well with my arms tied above my head,
you blithering idiot.
I understand your resentment,
but we had to take precautions.
Your appearance here was highly suspicious,
to say the least.
Rebel: It's not every day someone comes to us
claiming to be from a "parallel Earth."
- But they believe us now. - Oh, they do?
And when did you become our resident expert, Miss Wells?
Last night, they wouldn't believe a word that I said.
Commander Wade Wells is a great leader
of the revolution on our world.
Wild, huh?
The Soviets captured her four days ago.
She's being held at the NoCal Federal Penitentiary.
It's a converted college campus now used
solely for high-profile political prisoners.
And it's run by former Professor, now Citizen-General,
Maximillian Arturo.
Always a leader of men,
no matter what the circumstances.
Uh...
what finally convinced you
that our Wade wasn't... well, your Wade?
Wade Wells is my commanding officer,
and my lover. The two may look identical...
but I could surely tell the difference.
- (beeping) - Wilkes: The rebellion is near defeat.
Too much money and power on the other side.
Too many upstanding citizens bought off or grown complacent.
Freedom's a forgotten luxury.
Then for whom are you fighting?
The idealists who created this country.
And we've been at it a long time.
Wilkins here flew for the airlines,
I was a surgeon.
There was no way to go back to our old lives.
It's liberty or death for all of us.
Okay, you don't have to answer me,
but what was that all about? "I can tell the difference."
What do you care? We're "buds," right?
The United States, a conquered nation?
How on earth could that have happened?
It all began in the '50s when we lost the Korean War.
The Sino-Soviet Empire swept the globe.
First Indochina, then Europe, South America.
We were economically isolated from the rest of the world.
Their assets and technology grew while ours shrank and finally collapsed.
Why, that's the "domino theory."
In our universe it was the Soviet Union that collapsed.
The Berlin Wall was pulled down,
and Communism is virtually extinct.
Sounds like a dream, doesn't it?
We're on the wrong planet, my friend.
(hip-hop music plays)
Comrades, comrades, get on down
Get that grain right into town
Serve the state and feed your people...
At ease... Private.
Gotta serve the state and feed your people
'Cause the individual is evil
Comrades, comrades, get on down
Get that grain right into town
Serve the state and feed your people
Because the individual is evil...
This is a joke, right?
No...
this is prime time.
It's pledge week, comrades, on P.B.S.
So pick up your phone
and pledge your support for public television...
or else. We know who you are.
Doug Llewellyn: This is the plaintiff, Pavel Kurlienko.
He said he was shocked
when the defendant slipped up and handed him a counterfeit bill.
And this is the defendant,
alias "Rembrandt Brown."
Oh my God! Quinn, Professor, get back here quick!
- Hurry! - This is the case of "The Rat Caught in a Trap."
Now the plaintiff did his civic duty
by heroically detaining his insidious passenger
long enough for the authorities to arrive.
The defendant dubiously claims
that he is not of this Earth,
and therefore shouldn't be expected
to abide by the laws of civilization.
Bailiff: Will all parties and witnesses
raise your right hands to be sworn, please?
Do you and each of you solemnly swear
that the testimony you may give in the cause now pending before this court
shall be the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
- I do. - I do.
Thank you. All rise, please.
You may be seated.
I know you've been sworn and I have read your complaint.
Please take off your hat.
Thank you.
Sir, you say the defendant is a "treacherous terrorist pig"?
Is true, Commissar Wapner.
He... he give me this.
- Did you give him this? - Rembrandt: Yes, sir, I did.
You know it's the trademark of the Underground Resistance?
- But I can explain. - Explain?
What possible defense do you have to this?
Sir, I am a fan of "The People's Court."
That has nothing to do with this. It's completely irrelevant.
See, this Earth is not my Earth, you dig?
It looks like it, it smells like it,
but it is definitely not my Earth.
Now this guy, "Q-Ball"...
- "Q-Ball"? - Right, he's got this gizmo
which sucked up my Caddy into a wormhole...
I've heard enough, I've heard enough!
- I'm not finished, sir. - You are finished, sir.
Rembrandt Brown,
I find you guilty of treason,
and I sentence you to 15 years
in the Alaskan Gulag,
without the possibility of parole.
- 15 years? - 15 years.
Don't you mean $15?
Now the defendant is on his way out of the courtroom.
Mr. Brown, if I can ask you a quick question?
Obviously, Commissar Wapner didn't believe a thing you had to say.
How does that make you feel?
How do you think I feel, fool?
I am never watching this show again.
Small claims my (bleep)
Thank you very much.
Right, now Officer Burrell has a few confessions you must sign.
Rusty, get this man out of here.
And with that, we will bring this case to a close.
The litigants for our next case are now on their way into the courtroom.
Your friend and our commander are being kept
in the same facility until tomorrow.
Commander Wells is about to be shipped to Moscow
for a very public execution.
Then we're going to have to move quickly.
What did you have in mind?
A raid. Look, kid...
don't you think we would have already done that if it were at all possible?
Yes, but you're forgetting...
the warden here,
is on our side.
What if they don't believe me?
What if I'm still at the office?
Your double works banker's hours, Professor.
Just play your part and everything will be fine.
- I hope. - You hope? He hopes?
Some revolution.
Come on! Come on!
Man: Let's go, people. This is our last chance!
Now, get it on! Load up the trucks!
Load that truck. Let's go!
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I could be at home right now,
drinking sake and watching "Jeopardy."
Yeah, I know. It's "Tournament of Champions Week."
I miss it, too.
If they discover he's an impostor,
hit the ground running.
And don't be shy about using this.
All right!
Let's go, people! Let's move!
Come on! Come on!
Let's go! Come on!
Do you know that if we fail tonight,
the entire West Coast uprising will be extinguished?
Everything... finished.
Then we won't fail.
Citizen-General, sir, what are you doing here?
Since when have I had to explain my movements to you, soldier?
My apologies, sir.
I was surprised to see you at this hour.
I will overlook your impertinence this time.
Now, open the gate.
But, what are these trucks doing here?
- I have no authorization. - This is a surprise defense readiness test.
Of course you haven't been informed. Do you think if the rebels
were to attack, they would let you know that they were coming?
(tense laughter)
You will open the gate. And you will maintain strict radio silence.
No one in that facility is to know that we're coming.
- Is that understood? - Understood, sir.
But, I will need the handprint identification
before allowing your team to pass.
Policy, sir. Your own, in fact.
I have no need of you
to explain my own policies, sir.
Left hand, sir.
(computer beeping)
Computer: Lmprint identification complete.
Maximillian Arturo, Citizen-General,
People's Army, Western Sector.
Forgive the formality, sir. I was only following...
That's all right. Just tell me your name. I'll see you're commended.
But you know my name, sir. Lieutenant Karpov.
You selected me for this post.
Yes, of course I know you, Karpov. Of course I do.
But since you're pretending not to know me,
I'm pretending not to know you. (laughs)
- Joke, Karpov? - (laughter)
Karpov, come here.
Now, listen, ignore all warning bells and alarms.
This test must be as realistic as we can possibly make it.
I'm counting on you, Lieutenant...
or should I say, "Captain"?
Put me through to the home of Citizen-General Arturo.
Food's coming through for the star from "People's Court."
What the hell is this, dog food?
Bon appétit. (laughs)
(rifles click)
Open the cage.
Ugh! Oh...
Rebel: Get in the cell.
I never thought I'd be happy to see you guys.
Hey, where's the girl?
She's... off looking for herself.
Oh.
Huh? We'll explain later. Come on.
Commando sergeant: All right, people, let's move.
Citizen-General is home... in bed.
- (chatter) - (alarm buzzes)
Trouble! Get those trucks over here now! We're on our way.
- Wait... what about Wade? - She'll be okay.
She's in the other building with Wilkins. Now move!
I'll take the point. You guys cover my back.
(rapid gunfire)
Professor: Run! Run!
(grunting)
Wade! Wade!
(gunshots)
(screams)
Come on! Come on!
Move!
Hold on! We're almost there!
(gunshots)
Sentry: Don't let them go!
Let's go!
Whoo! We made it.
It's over!
We can all try to get home now.
Wade?
Oh, God, Wade, no!
No! Stop the truck! Stop!
Quinn: Stop the truck! Over here!
Now gently. Gently. Okay.
Oh...! Somebody help!
Oh, God.
Oh...
Give me some room. Step back.
I don't think she's breathing.
(moans) Oh, oh...
Man: I don't know. What's up?
Wade: Quinn?
What's... what's going on? What's happening?
Wade?
Don't look.
Trust me. I'm going to get you home.
Woman on PA: Prepare to evacuate! Attention, all personnel.
Prepare to evacuate immediately
Rembrandt: Amazing grace
How sweet
The sound
That saved
A wretch
Like me
I once
Was lost
But now
I'm found
Was blind
But now
I see.
Rebel: How's Commander Wells?
Rebel doctor: The Commander's dead. But the revolution lives on.
All right. Close her up.
I sure hope your computations are correct.
Mr. Mallory, this may come as a complete surprise to you,
but in the ancient days before computers,
we had to do our mathematics the old-fashioned way.
Ever seen one of these? It's called a slide rule.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to doubt you.
So, would these calculations...?
I believe that we can improve our chances of getting home
if we return to the exact spot where we arrived.
Golden Gate Park.
Rebel man: Ammo's almost fully loaded. Come on. Let's get going!
Rebel woman: Come on! Move!
This raid has given us a tremendous shot in the arm.
We will spread across the country,
and it may give others the spirit to keep fighting.
Thanks to what you've told us of your world,
we know they can be defeated.
You've given us hope back.
Good luck. I hope you make it home.
Thanks.
Quinn: We have no way to verify the condition of the timer.
Assuming the Professor's calculations are correct
- and allowing for minimal deviation... - Quit talking like a brain
and say something that a normal man can understand.
Now are you getting us out of here or what?
- Keep your fingers crossed. - Oh, sure.
Stop... you are in violation of curfew.
Show me your papers. Now!
I don't have time for this.
(groans)
- (shrill whistle) - There they are!
(siren wails)
Quinn: Okay... here goes nothing.
Come on.
Quinn...? We're not gonna make it.
Oh, man. Quinn!
We're not gonna make it!
Yes! Yes!
More power, Mr. Mallory!
- Quinn! Quinn! - Rembrandt: Come on, man!
Geronimo!
(screams)
(wind howls)
(all groaning)
(laughing)
Rembrandt: Thank God.
(snoring)
Good to see you again, man.
Quinn: Let's go.
Taxi! Right here.
Great.
(gasps)
- What is it, Rembrandt? - That's the guy that turned me in.
Are you okay, my friend?
Don't you know me?
Yes.
Yes, I do know you.
- Hey, I'm getting out. - "Spinning Topps"!
You is "Crying Man," no?
- (Wade sighs) - Why yes, my good fellow.
Yeah, I am "The Crying Man."
You great! Have all your records.
Big price on black market for "Topps."
Yeah.
Well that settles it. We're home. Yes, sir.
Professor: Thank you, my good fellow.
Rembrandt, pay him.
Here you go, "Pay-ville."
- Pavel: Do svedanya. - Yeah, arrivederci.
This gate has been squeaking
since I was 12.
(squeaks)
(laughing)
Yes.
Oh.
Quinn! Thank God!
I was so worried. Oh.
Honestly, I nearly called the police.
You spend so much time in that damn basement,
I never know when you're home or not.
Where have you been?
Well...
it's a long story.
Perhaps you and your friends would care to share it over dinner?
I'm making your favorite.
So, where are we going tomorrow?
- (Professor laughs) - Just kidding.
So, "Crying Man," you ever think about singing gospel?
Girl, I haven't sung like that in 20 years.
Maybe I still do in some places, huh?
So what do we do with this thing?
Professor: I never thought to hear myself say such a thing,
but I believe we should consider destroying it.
Einstein regretted that he had given the world the atom bomb.
Oppenheimer, when he saw the first explosion,
quoted the Hindu scripture,
"I am become Shiva,
God, the destroyer of worlds."
But think of the benefits.
There are bound to be worlds that have outlawed war
or cured cancer.
Professor: And worlds where they have perfected war and developed new cancers.
Maybe that's why we should keep it a secret.
If I found a place that was paradise,
I don't think I'd tell anybody.
Well, I'd like to propose a toast.
To wherever you live.
Rembrandt: And whatever your struggle.
To the revolution.
And to the end of a journey.
Quinn: Hear, hear.
Rembrandt: I'm so glad to be back I almost don't even miss my car.
Hey...
did I miss anything?
Hello... Dad.
What's the matter, son? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Cryin' like a man
- Cry like a man - As hard as I can
As I can
If you had a heart
Maybe you'd start
To understand
(Rembrandt sobbing)
You're breakin' my heart here!
Spinning Topps: Cry like a man
Wait a minute!
I feel a tear that's coming out of this eye
Cry like a man
- Oh...! - Whoo-whoo-whoo
And a tear falling from my other eye
Cry like a man
Brothers... somebody
Somebody hand me a handkerchief! Please!
Cry like a man.