is welcome a man who is as unbecoming as
he is hilarious Jeffrey Ross
[Applause]
[Music]
oh my gosh all right here we go
guys what are you here some dick jokes
but we must pay gratitude to tonight's
great roastmaster Seth great job tonight
man
great job seriously
a man of a thousand voices all of them
Stewie
Oh Seth by the way South Park called
they want their everything back
anyway folks as you know I only wrote
the ones I loved and David Hasselhoff
finally a Jew gets the roasted German
Heil Hasselhoff the only difference
between Hasselhoff and Hitler at least
Hitler knew when his career was over why
do the Germans love you so much huh
maybe it's because you'll fill the
entertainment void left by Anne Frank
too soon I must admit I really did love
you in that cheeseburger commercial you
made seriously how's that chain of all
you can eat off the floor restaurants
coming along you know it's kind of
ironic you made millions playing a
lifeguard because every night you drown
in your own sorrows
the hot ones blew into a breathalyzer
and the breathalyzer said well oh one of
the time people where's my Knight Rider
fans I know you're out there
what a lucky break what are the odds an
alcoholic gets cast in a show about a
car that drives itself
I heard the Hoff once got so drunk he
hid in the gas hole no means no Michael
but Baywatch that was always my favorite
that was always my favorite I think you
should have gotten a special Emmy just
for holding your stomach in for 12
seasons by the end you had the biggest
tits on the show and by the end you
actually did run in slow motion and
here's my other childhood hero right
there the great Hulk Hogan what a cool
guy this guy's been wrestling so long
the first time he pinned a guy they
counted it down in Roman numerals hi
look at you you look like dog the
pastrami hunter a lot of people don't
know this but hoax
Hulk Hogan's real name is Terry even
less people know this Lisa lampanelli's
real name
Hulk there she is looking as beautiful
as never of course here's my friend
Jerry Springer a man who bathes in the
tears of four people what a life what a
life this guy had he was mayor of what
Cincinnati was a jury then he got busted
with a prostitute I mean really who the
hell pays a hooker with a personal check
that's like that's like that's like
paying a hooker with a personal check
of course Pam's here because Pam and the
Hoff have so much in common they both
been embarrassing videos with meat
stuffed in their mouths
ha I know you think you're so clever how
you managed to insert the word half and
everything everything except a sentence
hey I've been offered a job oh what a
treat the hops beautiful daughters
Hailey and Taylor Ann are here give them
some love so cool you came out for your
dad apparently they're aspiring singers
you know they say talent skips a
generation so you're probably awesome
and huh the truth is everybody loves you
and we'll all be rooting for you
as you take the next big step in your
career which will probably be later when
you fall off the stage thanks for being
a good sport tonight and I hope you find
work soon
[Applause]