# After you've gone
# And left me crying
# After you've gone
# There's no denying
# Some day, when you grow lonely
# Your heart will break like mine
# And you'll want me only
# After you've gone After you've gone away. #
Kids, the reason I wanted to have this talk
is that there's something I really want to tell you.
I know this may take some time to get used to,
and it doesn't mean
that I love you any less, but...
I'm volunteering for the African relief effort, and I'm going to be gone for eight weeks. Ha! Told you.
What do you mean, "Told you"?
You've been crying in front of the news, you've been whispering
on the phone,
you've had malaria jabs, and you've got a visa.
I had a fiver said you were on the run from the law.
You two are taking this a bit casually.
You've always said you want to do something important with your life.
And you're not getting any younger. Thank you, dear.
And I think Alex and I can take care of ourselves. I know you do.
That's why I'm going to ask your gran to stay with you.
I don't think I can look after her as well.
I know!
Why can't Dad stay with us?
Your father is...
I don't think your father... No. Why not?
It's not like we're babies.
He can't leave us on the bus.
Again.
There you go. All done.
It took you long enough. Give me a break, Bobby.
You can't hurry genius.
It's a pub toilet, Jimmy, not the Sistine Chapel.
Oh, yeah? You tell that to the bloke in there on his knees, going, "Oh, God, oh, God!"
So she sat down in the chair and said she wanted it washed, styled and tinted,
and I said, "Most people just bleach it, love."
The usual, ladies?
Hey, Jimmy. Hiya.
So, er, I'm getting off at six tonight. Oh, sorry, love. I've got to pick up my kids.
You don't have kids. Does he have kids?
I've got two kids.
Ex-wife. Guilt. Regret.
Ah... That's why, when I see them, I get such a pain in my heart, seeing everything I've lost.
So I'll probably need a lot of comforting later tonight.
I might not be here later tonight.
Oh, come on, Siobhan. We'll do something on Friday.
Er, don't you have "the kids" this weekend?
No, that's the first and third weekends. Yeah, I get the second and fourth weekends,
unless there's a match on, or you've forgotten,
or you're having a really important lie-in.
I swear, we'll do something great. We'll get in the car and we'll go
wherever you want
for the whole weekend, as long as there's a telly.
Right. So I'll still probably get, like, what - ten minutes?
Yeah, well, you know what I can do in ten minutes...
Yes, but I can't.
No, the kids are both fine with it.
I'm going to ask my mum to stay with them. So, how do I look?
HE GIGGLES
Hold on. No, you're not going out like that.
DOOR SLAMS
Who put the bins in the drive?
Innocent people out there could go careering into them while simply trying to park.
Gran? How do I look?
Like the meat counter at Tesco's, dear.
Thanks!
You're out of milk, Ann.
Did you buy milk? No. Course not.
Alex, dear...
Are you painting your nails?
No. My toes got bored being so close to each other, so I'm giving the little piggies a holiday.
Well, first have them go to market and get some milk.
You ready, lads? What was that? Oh sorry, Gran.
This one wants to stay at home.
Right.
Who's your mother talking to?
Dr Banks. Mum wants to go with some of the hospital staff to help the African flood victims.
And I want to go back in time to 1968 and get a refund
for those cha-cha lessons. Life's a vale of tears.
Ann, don't be ridiculous! I think it's all right.
Oh, I feel so much better. Approval from a boy who talks to his feet.
Now go!
Mother, I'm so glad you dropped by.
African flood victims? What happened to the drought? Can't these people make up their minds?
So much for compassion.
You're not really thinking of going?
I'm a nurse, Mother. I need to help.
Can't you just do a fun-run?
No. This is something I've got to do.
It's that pinko Dr Banks, isn't it?
It has nothing to do with Howard. And he's not a pinko.
He cares about what happens to people. Exactly. Pinko.
You do have children, remember. Are they to fend for themselves
while you go traipsing after Dr Schweitzer?
No, I'm putting them out on the kerb with the bin bags(!)
Come on, Mummy. It's only eight weeks and the kids love you so, so much.
Mummy, Mummy, Mummy... Oh, vomit.
Does that mean you're not going to help?
I cannot abet when I don't approve. DOORBELL RINGS
Fine. I don't need Mummy's approval. I'm a grown-up.
Grown-ups don't say "grown-up", dear. We say "adult".
Hiya.
Alex, Molly!
Your dad's here. Hi, Diana.
Mind if I come in?
Of course I do. Nitwit.
Why don't you come out, then?
We'll have a quick snog in the van.
Come on in.
They'll be right down.
Which cowboy left this like that? Er, you did.
Yeah, well. Maybe if you let me come round a bit more often...
That's funny. That's just what I was thinking. Really?
Look, Jimmy. I know we've had our differences, and I know this is very short notice, but...
can I ask you a favour?
Ann, you know I'd do anything for you.
I didn't have any money.
What you listening to? Sh!
You smell nice!
But you do understand I have to be gone for eight weeks? No problem.
Jimmy, please,
that means you're not listening. You always wanted to do something
special with your nursing skills.
You now have the chance. The kids are old enough, and you want me to watch them
while you're gone. See? I do listen. I've changed, Ann.
For you.
And I have to leave Thursday night.
What, this Thursday? You're joking! I've got plans this weekend.
I said it was short notice. Well, that's not short notice. That's NO notice. Forget it.
I knew this was a bad idea. I could never rely on you.
At least I was listening.
Look, why not go in the spring?
I've heard it's really crap over there right now. It's a complete disaster area.
Dad! Hey!
Did Mum tell you about Africa? Yes, and I will be staying with you as of Friday. Thursday.
Thursday. I was listening.
ALARM RINGS
Dad!
Don't you ever knock?! Sorry! Sorry.
What did you see? Nothing, I swear!
Thank God. Look, you going to be in there long? Cos I wanna go.
I can't wee if I'm being rushed.
Daddy? What?
Can you get me some loo roll? It's all run out. Where is it, love?
In the shop.
Look, can't you pretend you're in the woods?
Or just jump up and down and air-dry?
Oh, come on.
No!
All right, fine.
There you go. Dad!
What?
It's clean.
Dress-down Friday, I presume?
Diana, you scared the crap out of me.
Oh, really? How marvellous.
Why are you here, anyway? Just because my daughter's abandoned her children, doesn't mean I plan to.
Someone has to cook them breakfast.
Yeah, and I believe that would be me.
Like it or not, Diana, I am still their father.
Oh, please. Even a guppy can spawn.
Yeah, but they don't cuddle after.
And I am a great cuddler.
Come here. It's hug time.
Don't be repulsive.
Oh, that looks nice. Oi!
And please put on some clothes!
My late husband never came out of the bedroom without a jacket and tie.
I bet he never went in it without a wooden stake and garlic.
No, we usually preferred tarts and vicars.
COUGHING
Dad. Are you finished in
the bathroom? I have a sore throat.
Thank God.
Be out in a minute.
I've got to put a lock on.
Dad? What? Got another sock?
Oh... Is the room spinning?
Yes, it is.
Is that how you're dressed for school? Oh, I don't know if I can go in today.
Oh, really? Is that the best you can do?
I'm not faking, Gran.
Then I need to see suffering.
Eyeballs red, nose crusty, vomit reeking of bile,
perhaps a discreetly operatic trace of blood on a tissue.
Short of that, school's in half an hour. Dad said I was ill.
Your dad? Oh, that's right.
With his medical degree from Holby City. Eat, dress, school.
And if I die on the way?
I will grieve.
Apparently you said she was ill.
Daddy...
Um, right.
Er, yes. I don't like the way you're looking.
Let's see that throat.
Oh, no. No, school for you today. And don't argue. Oh!
Right, I am going back to bed.
I think I've got the shivers.
So have I.
You know she's faking?
Oh, come on, Diana. Didn't you ever skive off when you were younger? Me?
Right. You were never young.
I did it all the time.
Really? Knock me down with a feather.
Hey, I've got an A-level in skiving.
At least I would have, if I'd turned up.
It's always a wink and a smile with you, isn't it? The easy way
and sod the consequences.
Do you know, I think I'll put that on the side of the van.
"Jimmy the Handyman - Sod the Consequences." No.
No. Don't. Don't!
You'll just make us both look petty.
Listen, James.
I like this arrangement even less than you do, but if, for whatever reason,
my daughter has decided you should take charge of the children rather than me...
You said you wouldn't do it. Because I thought she'd change
her mind and wouldn't go.
So... Wait. Are you admitting you were wrong about something?
No. Ann was wrong. I simply misjudged.
Same thing, Diana. Really?
I've been a teacher for nearly 27 years,
while all you've been is, what?
What HAVE you been?
Oh, that's right. You're a handyman.
And you're a snob.
Feckless, facile, a philanderer...
I think you're getting stuck on the F-words. Don't tempt me.
And I never philandered.
Might have thought about it, but I never followed through.
Because you were always too drunk. Yeah. See? Drink CAN save your marriage.
Not mine, obviously.
Listen, James, I know you, which is why I shall be here to pick up the pieces
as, once again, you fail and fade away.
And philanderer begins with a P, prat.
All right. Number one, I haven't had a drink in over a year. And number two...
lovely bacon.
Yeah, so remember that really fit guy from the park?
The one with the hair?
And the motorbike? Yeah, I'm going to go and see him later!
No, I don't have to go to school.
Dad is letting me be ill.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Oh, talk later.
SHE COUGHS
Enter.
I've brought you some breakfast. Ah, thanks.
Ooh. Those aren't the ones Gran made.
Er, no. Those were going cold, so I had to eat those myself.
But these are my speciality.
There's something in them. I know.
They're, er, flavour crystals.
It looks like egg shell.
That's where all the vitamins are.
I'm glad you're staying with us instead of Gran. Look, your grandmother means well.
Yeah, but you get it.
I do, don't I?
And don't worry. We won't let you screw it up. Thank you.
I want your mum to know everything went really well while she was away.
Then I'd let Gran make the breakfasts.
All right if I go to work?
Yeah. I'm gonna go back to sleep.
Think your mum's having a good time?
Yeah, she and Howard were always talking about "being on the front line" and "commitment to the cause".
Howard? Who's Howard?
Dr Banks, from the hospital.
You're on a first name basis with your mum's boss?
Don't worry, she's not sleeping with him or anything.
No, I'm not worried. At least, I wasn't.
I mean they go out and stuff, but, eugh!
Could you imagine Mum doing it with someone?!
I've taken the kids off her hands so she can fly halfway round the world to hump Howard.
You're seeing that hairdresser.
But the furthest we've gone is Glasgow.
Ann's having the time of her life in some disaster zone. With Howard.
I've got a cousin in Glasgow. You're not helping, Kev.
I spread Polyfilla for a living.
You get what you pay for.
Well, I'm paying you to work.
"Howard". My kids call him by his first name.
I mean, how do they even know it?
I didn't know my father's first name until I was 12.
Except they probably call him "Uncle Howard".
He takes them out "in his Jag". Buys them toffee.
Hey. Don't forget, you did her nut in with your drinking.
So now it's your turn. It kind of evens things out.
You know, in the grand scheme of things. The Buddhists call it "tit for tat".
Hello, Molly? It's me. Pick up, love. I need Mum's number.
You're going to track down your ex while she's saving lives in some disaster zone?
Top man.
Molly, I know you're there. Pick up.
OK, fine. Call me back.
Where the hell is she? Maybe...
she went out.
To do what? All her mates are at school.
So maybe she really is sick. Oh, yeah. Right. That would top things off.
I move out of my flat,
I have a mother-in-law
trying to lop off my goolies because, for some reason, I still have them.
And then Ann leaves me with a faulty kid.
Is this fair? Is this moral?
Is this your van?
Yes.
It's his.
Well, I have to warn you, sir, that this is a restricted parking zone with fines of up to £50.
And warning heeded. Thank you, Officer.
There you go. Sir.
No, wait. Wait. She just gave me a warning.
And I'm just giving you a ticket.
Oi!
I don't know why you're upset.
I'm the one who's just spent the afternoon in a police cell with
two drunks and a Peeping Tom.
"We'll do something on Friday." I should have known it'd mean bailing you out of jail.
I didn't plan this, Siobhan. They arrested me for a bleeding parking ticket.
And for abusive language to a police officer in the performance of his duty. I was exercising free speech.
And resisting arrest.
I hadn't finished speaking.
Oh, good! So let's just forget the assault charge.
It wasn't an assault!
It was a conciliatory hand gesture...gone wrong.
You're an embarrassment, do you know that?
An embarrassment, a crap boyfriend, and an even crapper father. What is your family going to think?
That's why I called YOU to bail me out.
Oh! And so romantic.
"That's why I called you to bail me out."
It's just what every girl wants to hear.
It's true, though.
You're the only one I'd even dream of turning to.
Forget it.
But don't you forget it.
Molly?
Molly!
What are you doing here?
I live here.
Why aren't you at school? It's over.
Well, where's your sister?
In the drawing room with Colonel Mustard.
This is fun. Don't be a smartarse.
Your sister took today off sick, and now she's gone.
Well, she's not in her room, cos I was just up there trying her clothes on.
What?! Doesn't mean I'm gay.
It's for my website.
I don't want to know.
And she's not in here.
And she's definitely not at Gran's, cos that's Gran pulling up now. Oh, bloody hell.
Ohh.
Gran's not gonna be happy
that you lost her granddaughter.
Yes, thank you, Sherlock.
First day, as well. Doesn't make you look too good.
Got any other brilliant thoughts?
Well, you could stall her at the door
while I run into Moll's room, get into bed and pretend to be her, asleep.
That is the least helpful idea I have ever heard.
You asked for brilliant, not helpful.
DOOR CLOSES
Hello?! Do it.
Oh. You're still here.
Oh, hi, Diana. Yes, finally got round to fixing this.
Aaah-aah-aah...
I was just kidding. Hmm. Pity.
So how's the other "sick" person?
Um, resting.
I'm sure. Exhausted from a full day of malingering. No, no.
She's really been ill. She's um...
She's asleep. Really?
Don't want a relapse. I'll just see
for myself. There's no need. No problem.
No, really. No bother. Look, why don't I just, um...
see if she's decent?
Is the hat too much?
You look like the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood.
So is that a yes or a no on the hat?
The hat is the most convincing thing about it.
And now you don't even look ill.
You just look guilty.
We've talked about this dressing up. It's gone way beyond a hobby.
DOOR CLOSES
Boys suck!
And I don't want to talk about it.
Where the hell...
..have you been?
DOOR SLAMS
Go away. It's my room. It's Mum's room.
Well, it used to be mine.
Where the hell have you been?
OK.
Let's try again.
Where the hell have you been?!
Fine. I don't want to talk either.
Do you know what? I trusted you.
You knew how important this was to me, and you've made me look a prat.
Your gran was just waiting for this.
"You don't know what you're doing. You'll cock it up as usual."
Well, I didn't cock it up, missy.
You did.
I know it sounds harsh, but...
prison does that to a man.
Hello.
Which child have you lost now?
Where'd you hide my bloody jacket?
I don't think you were wearing one.
Why? I don't know why I'm here. It's not for the kids, cos they don't give a damn.
And it's not for your daughter, off playing Tarzan and Jane with Uncle Howard.
I thought you missed me. Come here! Hug time!
Where are you going now? Where you always knew I would end up, Diana.
The pub.
Diana is the devil.
She did her husband in. Did you know that?
I thought he had a heart attack.
On purpose.
After she'd sucked his spine out, it was his only means of escape.
So where were you today?
I miss Mum.
Believe me, dear, so do I. Has anyone seen Dad?
Your father, I'm afraid, is not
going to be with us much longer.
Not in that sense.
Can't be greedy. But in the sense that in your mother's absence, I'm now in charge,
as I should have been all along, had your mother not been so spiteful. So...
you're the person I need to talk to if I want to be fed?
As soon as you've set the table for dinner. Fine.
But it won't be pretty. Amaze us.
You still haven't told me where you were. Can you just let it drop?
From your outfit, I'd say...
lap-dancing or a pantomime.
Fine. I went to meet a boy and he never showed up.
I felt stupid. Well, at least you've accomplished something today.
Yeah? Well, I wish I was dead. Molly, don't you ever say that.
It's "I wish I WERE dead".
The subjunctive.
Boys may come and boys may go, but good grammar is forever.
What? Do you know how unbelievable you are?
I prefer to think of myself as bracing.
You know, you're the only one, whatever I've done, who's never left me.
She's right, though.
I'm a rubbish dad. I've got a temper.
My advice is bollocks. I live like a slob.
The last time I cooked a proper meal was in 1992, and I can still taste it.
Do you know what my problem is?
Yeah. You're getting a turkey neck.
He's buying his own.
Would you mind moving down a seat?
Er, yeah. I would.
I've got a knife.
Thank you, dear.
Oh, God. Oh, James.
What a surprise. Excuse me.
If you need me, it's too late. I've gone.
Hello, lovely lady. Hello, observant man.
A gin and tonic, please.
You can skip the lemon.
And the ice.
And the tonic.
So you just want a shot of gin?
Please, you make it sound so sordid.
Double.
Come here to gloat?
I already did that at home.
Thank you.
So why are you here? Just a moment.
You have to come back.
What?
Don't interrupt. This is not easy.
Same again, please.
The children have had more than enough people abandoning them lately, so... So, what?
I already said it.
Well, you have to say it again. I didn't have enough schooling to hold all those big words in my head.
So what was it, again? Because it sounded like, "Jimmy, you have to...
"to..."
Come back. Good.
Now say it again, a little louder.
In a Belgian accent.
Get stuffed. Close enough.
So you really think I can pull this "Dad" thing off?
Of course not.
But I'm not going to let you cock it up this time.
That's funny. I get divorced and end up with custody of my mother-in-law.
How do you think I feel?
At least you got me. I got you.
To the children.
And that's going to stop.
That was a Coke.
Same again.
# After you've gone
# And left me crying
# After you've gone
# There's no denying
# Some day
# When you grow lonely
# Your heart will break like mine For you'll want me only
# After you've gone
# After you've gone away. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2007
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk