From now on, you are no longer Lenny Belardo.
You are Pope Pius XIII.
Knock knock.
CARDINAL SPENCER: Who are you, Lenny?
I'm a contradiction. Like God.
Your parents rejected you.
So you wanna make the world pay for the wrong they did you.
I'm not gonna show you the way. Search for it!
Everyone must learn that it takes suffering
to find God.
I want fanatics,
because fanaticism is love.
How many confessions do you hear in the Vatican, Don Tommaso?
DON TOMMASO: The entire Curia.
Come on now, tell me people's sins.
Your Holiness, I'm just a poor simple priest,
and the secret of the confessional
is the only respectable thing I have.
You are diabolical.
You think? People that know me well
actually say that I'm a saint.
MAN: Esther was infertile.
LENNY: Esther has only one wish.
You must grant it.
(BABY COOS)
(BELL TOLLS)
Voiello is pulling the strings.
VOIELLO: You have no idea how vast my powers are.
Have you ever considered becoming the pope yourself?
LENNY: My papacy is a failure.
You've healed the sick. You are a saint.
A beautiful saint.
You are the sweet Christ come back to earth.
(CHEERING)
(PANTING)
[TV static drones]
[bright tone]
[water splashing gently]
[machine beeping slowly]
[deep breathing through ventilator]
- ♪ Nothing is holy ♪
♪ Holy, holy ♪
♪ Nothing is sacred ♪
♪ Sacred, sacred ♪
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
- [inhales sharply]
♪ ♪
[deep breathing through ventilator]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Nothing is holy ♪
♪ Holy, holy ♪
♪ Nothing is sacred ♪
♪ Sacred, sacred ♪
♪ Nothing is holy ♪
♪ Nothing is, nothing is ♪
♪ Nothing is holy ♪
♪ Holy, holy ♪
- [exhales deeply]
♪ ♪
[breathing deeply]
[indistinct chatter]
- Bedtime now.
[both speaking Italian]
[doors thud shut]
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
[Sofi Tukker's "Good Time Girl"]
♪ ♪
- ♪ When I said it out loud, it wasn't as strong ♪
♪ As it was in my head ♪
♪ I tried not to think about it ♪
♪ So it came back louder ♪
♪ I think it's been about a year ♪
♪ Since I became a snob, decided not to play along ♪
♪ So it grew bigger ♪
♪ Me and my head have become very, very, very close ♪
♪ We decided not to tell you ♪
♪ To tell you about it ♪
♪ We're just gonna play it safe ♪
♪ Do what we know ♪
♪ Play it cool, lay low ♪
♪ Not tell you about it ♪
♪ And here I am playing by myself ♪
♪ Me and my superiority complex ♪
♪ And here I am playing by myself ♪
♪ Me and my inferiority contest ♪
♪ I'm not winning ♪
♪ But I'm having a very good time ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You can call me ♪
♪ You can call me the good-time girl ♪
- ♪ When I said it out loud, it didn't sound as good ♪
♪ I couldn't be as proud of my original thought ♪
♪ I'm not trying to whisper what should be barked ♪
♪ But I can't imagine being out of control ♪
♪ Or knocked off the top, my head and I ♪
♪ When I'm all alone, but we're in my prime ♪
♪ Don't want the throne when I'm doing just fine ♪
♪ Just so long as I'm having a real good time ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ You can call me ♪
♪ You can call me ♪
♪ You can call me the good-time girl ♪
♪ ♪
[monitor beeping]
[machinery whirring]
- Okay, we're ready.
[tools clang] Hand me the heart.
[objects clatter]
Hmm.
Y'all wanna hear something funny?
This heart belonged to an Egyptian...
a Muslim.
[solemn music]
♪ ♪
- Pray!
[all speaking Italian]
♪ ♪
[camera shutters snapping]
♪ ♪
- [whispering indistinctly]
♪ ♪
[machine beeps]
- [exhales sharply]
[monitor beeping]
[uplifting music]
♪ ♪
- [smooches]
♪ ♪
[indistinct whispering]
- Have you been praying here all night?
- [breathes deeply]
It didn't work.
The transplant didn't take.
♪ ♪
- How do you know?
- I don't need to know.
[birds squawking]
I feel it.
♪ ♪
[water running]
♪ ♪
- It was not God.
It was the Church.
- [speaking foreign language]
[interference buzzing]
- "Our hatred is concrete,
"and our enemy is obvious.
"It is Iblis. It is the Christian.
And as the Koran says, 'I will fill Hell with you all,
you and all those after you.'"
The latest conciliatory words from the caliph.
- A raving lunatic is not a priority of mine.
- No, everything is your priority right now,
my most eminent secretary of state.
You've got terrorists at your gates.
You've got an overdose of sexual scandals
that democratically touches
the entire ecclesiastical hierarchy,
and you've got a pope who's no longer loved
but idolized.
Three failed heart transplants later, he's still in a coma,
so you can't exactly squash the idolatry,
and you know all too well
how dangerous idolatry is.
Idolatry... is the prelude to war.
- My compliments for your expository clarity.
- Thank you for the compliment.
Expository clarity is one of the prerogatives
of an ambassador to the Holy See.
[motor rumbling]
- I have often asked myself
if you are merely an ambassador
or if you also perform other, shall we say,
more delicate roles for governments.
- [chortles]
Nine months ago, Pius XIII fell into a coma.
He's still alive, but at the same time,
he is dead.
You need a new pope.
- Pius XIII is our pope.
Have you no compassion, no Christian charity?
- I don't even know what they are.
In fact, I'm being paid not to have them.
- I thought they also paid you never to be moved.
- True.
I'm only moved in my free time.
Let me say it again.
You need a conclave.
- You are moving too fast, Bauer.
The world is moving too fast.
In the Vatican, we move at our own pace,
which is why we have lasted so long.
Our procedures are our...
both: Power.
Power.
Your empire is collapsing, Voiello,
and you know it.
[dramatic string music]
- A new pope.
♪ ♪
- For the role in question, humbly permit me to propose
Hernández.
Or how about Sir John Brannox?
♪ ♪
- You know Pope Pius XIII so well,
you even claim that Lenny Belardo
granted you a miracle.
So what do you think of this conclave?
A new pope while the other one is still alive,
albeit, alas, in a coma?
Doesn't this all seem a little strange to you?
- No, it's not strange. It's criminal.
♪ ♪
I know the Vatican.
It's a den of snakes and scoundrels,
blackmailers and perverts.
And they can't wait to expel
the only pure soul who's ever set foot in there,
Pius XIII.
♪ ♪
But they've miscalculated.
Pius XIII is a saint.
And to do good, a saint only has to breathe.
♪ ♪
[remote clicks]
- [speaking Italian]
- [laughs]
♪ ♪
So, brethren,
have we given the matter some thought?
- I like Cardinal Paoletti. - You mean physically?
- [laughs]
- I would refrain from making sexual innuendos these days.
- This is no time for joking, brethren.
We are deciding our own fate and that of the Church.
But at any rate, I fear Paoletti has Parkinson's.
So we'd be back to square one in three months.
- Steinbeck? - Another American?
[sighs]
And besides, they have just discovered
a nasty little something in his prostate.
- The legendary Sir John Brannox.
I've never known a cardinal
who could convert Anglicans to Catholicism--
- Too much of a snob.
He didn't want the crimson cap
and didn't attend to the consistory.
- Okay, Voiello.
Why don't you just give us the list
of whoever's in good enough health?
That will help us narrow down the list
and speed things up.
- Hernández, he's in excellent health
and is an extraordinary priest.
- I don't trust extraordinary priests.
Under their robes hides an ordinary man.
- I hardly ever understand you, Voiello.
- I feel such tenderness for you, Aguirre.
Please, don't ever stop not understanding me.
[bell tolling]
- Then you suggest someone, Voiello, a strong candidate,
because Hernández
has an impressive array of supporters.
[foreboding music]
♪ ♪
- Don't you think that after all these years,
my time has come?
♪ ♪
I am in perfect health.
To that end, I have prepared a copy
of my latest test results for each of you.
Let me introduce you Don Luigi Cavallo,
my new right-hand man, an expert in making
the world feel uneasy.
He will be invaluable.
Now, I encourage you to think of me
not as the Vatican secretary of state
who may, at times, have been wily,
despotic, and brutal.
As pope, I would be different:
warm, moderate, prudent,
and respectful of all
sexual orientations.
Finally, an ordinary pope, having been
an extraordinary man.
- Just look at him and picture him as pope.
Who is more ordinary than him?
A stocky build, a forgetful face,
except for one detail,
which emphasizes its mediocrity.
- I would wage a war against eccentricity
wherever it lurks.
"Living in the Norm"...
would be a fitting title for a new book
that could be released to mark the occasion.
[wind chimes tinkling, wings flapping]
[bird chitters]
[cardinals singing in Latin]
♪ ♪
[upbeat percussive music]
♪ ♪
[woman singing in foreign language]
♪ ♪
[percussive music and cardinals singing overlap]
♪ ♪
[woman singing in foreign language]
♪ ♪
[camera flashbulb pops]
♪ ♪
[camera flashbulb pops]
♪ ♪
[camera flashbulb pops]
♪ ♪
- [speaking Latin]
[bells tolling]
[tense techno music]
♪ ♪
[doors thud]
♪ ♪
[both speaking Italian]
♪ ♪
[toilet flushes]
♪ ♪
[door clicks open]
♪ ♪
[chair scrapes]
♪ ♪
[lids clang]
Brannox.
Hernández.
Brannox.
[speaking Italian]
[indistinct chatter]
[indistinct muttering]
[somber music]
♪ ♪
- [speaking Spanish]
[laughs]
[chair scrapes]
[footsteps tapping]
[footsteps stop]
- [breathing deeply]
[bell tolling]
[funky music]
- [speaking Latin]
[all speaking Latin]
- [speaking Italian]
[indistinct chatter]
- ♪ Everybody ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ooh-ah, ha ♪
♪ ♪
- It's not looking good.
Voiello is not breaking through.
Hernández is in the lead.
If he manages to draw another 30 or so votes...
He's the new pope.
♪ ♪
- ♪ I remember the little kid ♪
- [speaking Latin]
- ♪ Singing a song with you ♪
♪ Remember when you were young? ♪
♪ Don't you remember when you were singing along? ♪
- [speaking Italian]
[indistinct murmuring]
♪ ♪
- Who the heck is Brannox?
[flames whoosh]
[indistinct chatter]
- [exhales deeply]
♪ ♪
- Uh, you have something on your cheek.
- [laughs]
[melancholy violin music]
♪ ♪
- I would like a pope who allows priests to marry.
I'd like him to officiate at my wedding to Luisa.
I'm sure he'd like her.
Who wouldn't like a woman blessed with grace and warmth?
I'd like to come out of hiding,
a condition that has made me
a squalid, miserable, anxious man.
- [speaking French]
♪ ♪
- [speaking Portuguese]
- [speaking foreign language]
- [speaking Italian]
- [speaking Spanish]
- [speaking French]
- I would like a pope who could save
all the children we destroyed,
tormented, abandoned;
a pope who would send me straight to hell,
because, Holy Father, I can't take it anymore.
♪ ♪
- [speaking Italian]
[indistinct muttering]
- [speaking Italian]
[laughs]
[melancholy violin music continues]
- [speaking Italian]
♪ ♪
[door clicks open and shut]
Where is Aguirre?
- He's already repositioned himself
in Hernández's room.
- The irresistible call of a maracas.
- Voiello, you can't seem to break through.
- I noticed. - Oh, well.
Better luck next time.
- Next time, I will be 114 years old.
- Tomorrow will be the 35th round of voting,
at which point, Hernández will only need 58 votes
to become pope.
In truth, he already has them,
and with Aguirre, he'll have 59.
We might as well align ourselves with him as well.
- Not on your life.
- Voiello, it's over.
- No, it's only just begun.
Under pressure, a good secretary of state
must be flexible and tactical.
- We don't understand, Voiello.
- You don't understand because you have given in
to your emotions,
but we must listen to the Holy Spirit.
And a little while ago,
the Holy Spirit came to me and said,
"Voiello, why can't you break through?"
"Because the cardinals voting for Paoletti and Brannox
"don't trust you.
"They might trust someone who is, shall we say,
"more docile, more malleable,
"in which case, you would already recover 26 votes,
which, added to your 38, make 64."
That is what that mathematician,
the Holy Spirit, told me.
Besides, cardinals love weak,
manipulable popes.
- The weak candidate theory,
one of your golden oldies.
And who is this new candidate?
[percussive beat]
Hernández.
[percussive beat]
Hernández.
[percussive beat]
Hernández.
[percussive beat]
Viglietti.
[chairs scraping]
Viglietti.
[dramatic music]
Viglietti.
[inaudible dialogue]
♪ ♪
Viglietti.
♪ ♪
Viglietti.
♪ ♪
Viglietti.
♪ ♪
Viglietti.
♪ ♪
Viglietti.
♪ ♪
Viglietti.
♪ ♪
Viglietti.
♪ ♪
[speaking Italian]
[man singing in Latin]
- [clapping]
♪ ♪
[choir singing in Latin]
♪ ♪
[door thuds shut]
[tense music]
♪ ♪
- [speaking Latin]
- [stammers in Latin]
- [exhales sharply, stammers]
- Have you ever had
a histological exam done
on that mole?
- Yes, it's benign.
This thing I have on my cheek
is my supplementary brain.
It only kicks in when there is some minor problem.
Like today.
- "Administer justice every morning;
"rescue from the hand of the oppressor
"the one who has been robbed,
"or my wrath will break out and burn like fire
"because of the evil you have done,
burn with no one to quench it."
- No.
Too apocalyptic, too political.
It will terrorize the faithful.
- "Even the stork in the sky knows her appointed seasons.
"And the dove, the swift, and the thrush
"observe the time of their migration.
But my people do not know the requirements of the Lord."
- Enchanting.
- Eminence...
doesn't it seem a bit too sugary
for the pope's first homily?
- [laughing]
- Are you embarrassed about your teeth,
covering your mouth like that when you laugh?
- My dear Cavallo,
let me present Sofia Dubois,
a woman who will never feel uneasy.
Now, too sugary? Not at all.
That passage is sweetness and candor,
just like our new pope.
Do you know what really moves me?
We have elected a pope
who doesn't realize he is a pope.
- And that's a good thing? - No.
Clams, that's a good thing.
- What a superior woman.
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
- [laughs]
[eerie string and percussive music]
♪ ♪
[metallic crinkling]
Hmm.
[dramatic music]
[gulps] Heh.
[sniffles]
[both speaking Italian]
[bell tolling]
[applause]
- [sighs heavily]
- [speaking Italian]
[microphone feedback whines]
- [speaking Italian]
[wings fluttering]
Get--no.
[all gasping]
No! [shrieking]
[crowd murmuring]
- [whimpers]
- [breathing shakily]
[Beth Ditto's "Fire"]
- Good God, no.
He's beginning to realize it.
♪ ♪
- Beginning to realize what?
- That he has power.
- ♪ Hands too burnt ♪
- [speaking Italian]
- ♪ Ain't got an honest feeling in my bones ♪
♪ Felt like a fever ♪
♪ Came on like a storm ♪
♪ But what I felt ♪
♪ It can't be helped no more ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Get up, up, up, up, up, up, up ♪
♪ If you want ♪
[crowd cheering]
♪ ♪
- [speaking Italian]
[crowd roaring]
- ♪ Won't leave you cold ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I'm a believer ♪
♪ My word's as good as gold ♪
[crowd cheering] - Whoo!
[gunfire, man grunts]
- [speaking Italian]
[fake gun cocking] [gunfire over TV]
[tense music over TV] - Where is your--
[man grunts]
- Mother, would you please bring me some Easter cake?
The one made by Alemagna.
- Holy Father, Easter cake is only made at Easter time.
That's months away.
- I don't care.
You would to do well to get me some.
Otherwise, I will get upset,
and it's not good if the pope gets upset.
Hmm?
[chuckles]
What happened to the Venus of Willendorf?
- I imagined you would want to sell it, Holy Father,
and donate the proceeds to the poor,
so I sent it to London to be auctioned at Christie's.
- And were you sorry to part with her?
- Attachment to material things is an emotion
that does not pertain to the Vatican secretary of state.
- Nor to the pope.
In fact, we will divest ourselves of everything.
- Even the refugees, Holy Father?
- No.
They will stay.
It was a brilliant move on my part,
a charitable media triumph.
My papacy will be one long,
luxurious manifestation of poverty.
- Which has us all worried, Holy Father.
- Yes, I can imagine.
The time of privilege is over,
but I am not afraid of your reactions, Voiello,
or that of the Curia.
And do you know why?
Because the people and the press
are all on my side,
the leftist press in particular.
- Which is exactly why
I invite you to be prudent, Holy Father.
The leftist press never gets anything right.
They have even lost ground in nursing homes.
- By the way,
as soon as possible, we must consider the selection
of the new secretary of state.
- May I have a word with you in private, Holy Father?
- Oh, you may speak with me in public, Voiello.
I have no secrets.
- But I do, Holy Father.
[indistinct chatter, dishes clattering]
- No, no, no. What are you doing here?
- It's full, full, full, full, full, full, full.
- We mistakenly thought we could have some lunch here.
- You have to go to the Sistine Chapel...now.
Francis II is going to address his brother cardinals.
- It's full, full, full, full, full.
It's full, full, full, full, full.
It's full.
[indistinct chatter]
- [grunts]
Hmm.
Brother cardinals...
Thank you.
Thank you for having placed
a poor, ignorant,
awkward monk on the papal throne.
I would like to address you today,
but who am I to speak to you?
I'm just a poor man.
Far better that I speak to you in the words of the saint
who, as of today,
shall be an inspiration to us all.
[indistinct muttering]
- It's not looking good.
- From the Testament of Saint Francis.
"And those who came to embrace this life
"gave as much as they could to the poor.
"They were content with a single tunic,
patched within and without at will."
Or--or--or...
- Who's he?
- The new pope.
- Or this,
the last wishes to Saint Clare.
"And I counsel you
"to live always in this
most holy life of poverty."
[book thuds shut]
[foreboding music]
My dear brethren cardinals,
starting today, we will all live
according to the rules of Saint Francis.
Poverty will be our uniform.
And so as we intone together
the "Canticle of Creatures,"
some friars will move among you,
inviting you to place your gold crosses
and your precious bejeweled rings
in the baskets.
All your finery will be sold...
the proceeds given to the poor. - Stand up. Up, up.
Stand up.
- I know, I know you will obey me in this,
that you will not cause your pope to become upset.
Hmm?
In exchange, I will embrace
each of you.
[speaking Italian]
[all reciting indistinctly]
♪ ♪
- [whistles]
♪ ♪
[all whistling]
[cabinets clanging]
[all whistling]
♪ ♪
[metallic jingling]
♪ ♪
- [sighs]
[both speaking Italian]
[laughter]
[tense music]
♪ ♪
[wrapper crinkling]
[solemn music]
[bell tolling]
[laughs]
Oh.
[laughs]
[birds chirping]
Ciao.
Ah! Ah!
[laughs]
And here is the feeling of the world
that Saint Francis would have liked...
Harmony.
[ethereal music]
♪ ♪
- He has taken control of the vault.
He plans to give it all away,
all the money, all the gold to the poor,
the secret files to the press.
We will all end up in jail.
- He has heard the word of God
and decided to follow literally.
- God was emotional.
- But we are expected to be farsighted.
- Half of the cardinals vote for you,
the other half for me.
Neither one of us will ever become pope.
- I know.
We have to find a third choice.
- Who do you have in mind?
- The person who got the most votes
after you and me.
- Sir John Brannox?
- Yes, him, the great advocate for the middle way.
- I have never even met him.
- You'll like him, a compelling individual.
There is only one problem.
It will not be easy to convince him to accept,
but you, Voiello, are enormously persuasive.
Oh, yes.
Why is it that you and I have never been able
to tolerate each other?
- We are too different.
- But there is an obstacle between our intention
and Brannox becoming pope: Francis II.
How shall we proceed?
- With the power of prayer and good will.
[dramatic violin music]
[indistinct whispering]
♪ ♪
- [whispering indistinctly]
[all muttering]
♪ ♪
[machine beeping]
- [whispering indistinctly]
♪ ♪
[machine beeps]
[heavy breathing through ventilator]
♪ ♪
[whispering indistinctly]
♪ ♪
[machine beeps]
♪ ♪
[wrapper crinkles]
♪ ♪
- [grunts softly]
- [slurps]
[clamshell clatters]
- [groaning]
[thuds]
♪ ♪
[sirens wail in distance]
♪ ♪
[machine beeping]
♪ ♪
[heavy breathing through ventilator]
[monitor beeps]
[grunts]
[light clicks]
[cell phone buzzes]
[instrumental rock version of "All Along the Watchtower"]
♪ ♪
[bright tone]
♪ (UPTEMPO MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
MAN: I want a new pope.
MAN 2: We have to hurry.
You want me to be the next pope?
MAN 3: Sir John is a priest of the highest caliber.
But there is a risk.
SIR JOHN BRANNOX: I am a fragile, delicate, man.
Perhaps what you need is a man of steel.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪