Hello!
Hello and hello again.
I'm Greg Davies. Welcome, one and all, to Taskmaster.
This series we've been experimenting with slimming down
the show's opening monologue.
[laughter]
Our five crucial contestants are...
Alice Levine!
Asim Chaudhry!
Liza Tarbuck!
Russell Howard!
And Tim Vine!
[applause]
And next to me, obscenely obedient,
and believe me, obediently obscene...
[Greg] It's...
[slowly] Li-i-ittle Alex...
HORNE!
[cheers and applause]
This is proper banter time now.
We're on camera and this is when the fireworks start.
- OK, ready? - Yep.
Are you wondering what that smell is?
[he sniffs] Oh, gosh. Yes, I am.
- Well, I've invented a new scent. - Yep.
And I thought I'd show everyone tonight. There it is.
It's my new musk. It's called...
Well, 'cause it's my musk, it's called Alsatian.
So it's very me, and it's actually... It's not aftershave, it's beforeshave.
You spray this on a couple of minutes, or a week or two,
or maybe a year before shaving.
And it's scientifically proven to cling to your beard
'cause it's made of deodorant and glue. So...
[laughter]
So that's it. Is that the end of this banter?
Yes, but there are two more scents to be released later in the show.
Ah, good. Well...
Good!
[laughter]
OK, we're gonna start with the prize task, if you want.
So our comics aren't just taking on our tasks to win Greg's Taskmaster trophy.
There is the added bonus of playing for one another's personal possesions.
Tonight we've asked them to bring in the best hairy thing that isn't alive.
[laughter]
So the winner at the end of the show will take home a load of hairy things.
And today, to kick things off, I choose Liza Tarbuck.
My hairy thing that isn't alive is a collection of FaceTime wigs.
[Russell] Ooh!
[laughter]
I FaceTime mum virtually every other day.
So if FaceTime goes - I keep them in the kitchen - put a wig on.
So it kind of freaks mum out, but not that much.
[laughter]
I like the way you delivered "FaceTime wigs" as if they were a known thing.
Are these all in your kitchen?
- In a bag, yeah. - [he snorts]
[laughter]
Why not? Asim?
My best hairy thing that isn't alive is a life-sized cutout of me.
- Let's have a look. - This is it.
- [Asim] Yeah. - [Liza] Wow!
What's that up my arsehole?
[laughter]
- That's propping you up! - Oh, right. OK.
It's a lovely item, but...
it doesn't look especially hairy.
[Asim] Well, mate, you ain't seen my back.
Well, I'll have to take your word for it
that underneath your clothing, you're a hairy man.
- Cool. - [Greg] Alice?
Well, I figured you'd want something special...
Me personally?
- You personally. - I do.
So I have gathered hair from my hairbrush
and from the plughole of the bath and shower,
and I've formed it into a little ball, a little clump.
And you can maybe put that under a bell jar
or display it on your coffee table.
[laughter]
[Alex] Here it is.
[laughter]
[Greg] From your shower, or...?
Shower and bath.
- And bath? - Yeah.
Very good. Thank you for your clump of hair.
[he gags]
Uh, Russell Howard?
A life-sized Chewbacca.
Let's have a look.
[Alex] It is huge and you can wear it.
Imagine what would happen if you put that on
when you were on the phone to your mum.
- Yeah! - [laughter]
[Greg] That looks like the back of a woman's head,
and you're following her and suddenly that mouth opens, and you go...
- [he yells] - [laughter]
[low voice] "Hello."
"Stop following me."
OK, there's one left.
[Liza laughs]
Yeah, it's Tim, innit?
It's actually a genuine hair...
from Elvis.
Shut up.
It's in that little round bit at the bottom there.
[Russell] Oh, my God.
[laughter]
Please tell me that that hair was caught in a trap.
- [laughter] - That would be the most amazing...
[applause]
There are several reasons why you might say, "I bet that's not his hair."
Yeah.
One of which being I bought it in a shop in Manchester.
[laughter]
But no, if you look at the back of that, which you...
[Greg] And I will.
[Tim] Exactly. You'll see that there are various letters that are signed.
But one of them says that the foremost collector of hair,
he says it's real.
[laughter]
- Are you ready to score them? - Yep.
I feel bad doing this, because we've only done one show
but I've grown to like him very much.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
[laughter]
Sorry, mate. There's no hair on a cardboard cutout of you.
It's hairy, though, right? It's got...
- It looks hairy. - Yeah, it looks... but...
- It is cardboard, though. - But it isn't hairy.
OK.
- [Alex] So, one point to Asim. - One point, yeah.
I was thinking I was gonna put Alice fourth,
because I was expecting the image to be much more disgusting
- from her verbal description. - [Alex] Right, right.
No, I think I might give her joint fourth with Russell,
because it's not Chewbacca, is it?
It's just a woman with a massive mouth in the back of her head.
And then I actually found Liza's story heartwarming,
'cause I like the idea of her making an effort to wig herself up
- before she talks to her mother. - [Alex] Wig herself up, you said?
- [Greg] Yeah. - [Alex] OK.
But I have to accept that Tim's Elvis hair is real for his sake,
'cause I don't wanna see a grown man cry on television.
OK, so it's four points to Liza, five points to Tim Vine.
[Greg] There you go.
- [applause] - [Alex] One, two, two, four, five.
Good, let's start with our first task proper, Alex Horne.
I think you mean, "Let's play darts!"
[they groan]
[laughter]
What have you got me?
Shit at darts.
- [Alex] Hello, Alice. - Hi, blossom.
- Isn't it a horrible day? - [Alex] Thank you.
You know playing darts outdoors is...
You know why people don't do it, don't you?
[Alex] Why's that?
"Get the highest score in darts."
"You can either throw one dart from one metre away..."
"three darts from 2.37 metres away, or 60 darts from 10 metres away."
"When throwing, please stand behind whichever distance line you choose."
"You have a maximum of ten minutes."
"Your time starts now."
This is not my forte.
[Alex] Isn't it?
I would imagine Tim Vine will go for 60 darts from 10 metres away.
There's 60 darts there, is there?
[Alex] Yep.
[laughter and applause]
Must be a real quandary for you, Tim,
'cause you are a proper good darts player.
I've seen you in action.
Well, it's just weighing the thing up of, you know,
can you get enough with three darts?
But playing outside, even from a normal regulation distance,
the wind does... does come into play.
[laughter]
- Ready? - Yeah.
Well, first up to one of the three oche options
are Asim and Liza Tarbuck.
The idiot in me, which is a big part of me,
wants me to do 60 darts,
because it's not really a thing of skill, it's a thing of chance, right?
So if I just go mental...
You never know.
But... it's stupid.
- Well, is that 2.37? - [Alex] It is.
Yeah, I've gotta go for three off of that, haven't I?
- Have you? - Yeah.
I'm gonna go for three. Here.
I wanna do it.
The annoying thing about the 20 is that it's right next to one and five.
Ah, fuck.
Three. No, two. Double, innit?
[laughter]
Four. Fuck.
[audience cheers]
Ugh, fuck.
Ah, 14.
[he sighs]
Sixteen. That's shit.
[applause]
I loved the dramatic sign-off of a kiss.
[he laughs] Yeah!
And then a ten, and "Fuck!"
[laughter]
Just to say, just to clarify the scores, Liza got 32,
which is a double Asim. He got 16.
OK, well, listen. That's the end of that leg.
We'll see if Tim Vine is good enough at darts to save his Elvis hair
after the break!
Welcome back, each and every one of you.
This is Taskmaster, where we have a hot darts competition on the go.
Isn't that right, Alex?
Yes, it's very hot, and you're very right.
And you're very hot.
From the standard oche position of 2.37 metres,
which is exactly your height...
- It is. - It is.
Asim Chaudhry scored 16 in his attempt,
and Liza Tarbuck scored an impressive 32.
Up next is the darts semi-pro himself, Tim Vine,
versus the wild card, Russell Howard.
Let's have a look.
So let me tell you a bit about darts, Alex.
I play a bit of darts.
You've got a big crosswind here.
Um, it's a bit behind you, actually.
Three darts is not much area for...
[he sighs deeply]
Where is the ten?
[Alex] That's the ten.
Fuckin' in for a penny.
We'll go for this, yeah? More fun, innit?
[Alex] You've got just less than ten minutes.
- OK. - How is your darts?
- What? - How is your darts?
- Not great. - Alright.
[audience cheers]
I think the question... 'cause I think throwing three darts from here,
even though I would say, you know, if there was no wind,
and I was feeling confident, then...
Then maybe I... [he sighs]
Yeah, I've got my range in now.
- So the question, really, is... - [laughter]
Can I hit the board more than three times out of 60 darts?
Right, this is it.
[laughter]
I'm gonna go for 60 darts from this distance.
[Alex] You've got five and a half minutes.
Right.
Oh, come on, Vine.
[laughter]
Right, something is going wrong here.
[dart bounces]
[laughing] Hit the blooming...!
It's physically not possible, what I'm doing.
[multiple darts bouncing]
Appalling.
Flip's sake, man!
It just looks like... Just looks like a waste, now.
You've let yourself down, Vine.
- [everyone] Aww! - [applause]
One of the things I enjoyed most about it
was just the off-screen "ting" of despair.
That "ting" was the centre pole. I hit it about four times.
Should've gone higher.
[laughter]
I'm gonna say this to you - I've known you for a long time, Russell...
- Yeah? - And I genuinely mean this.
I actually found you quite sexy in that.
[laughter]
- Do you know why? - Why?
It's 'cause you didn't care that much,
you decided quickly what you were gonna do,
and then you're a natural sportsman,
and you just started wanging them into the board,
and I just wanted you to take me away.
[laughter]
And he smashed his melon up, he got all punk at the end.
I tell you what, I was pretty angry with the melon afterwards,
but I just didn't, you know... I said a couple of things to it.
[laughter]
I can show you exactly what numbers Russell hit with his successful darts.
- [Alex] That was his score. - [Russell] See, look at that.
[Asim] Ooh...
[Alex] He scored three.
[laughter and applause]
And what did Tim get? I bet he did well, now, didn't he?
I can tell you that fewer of Tim's hit the board...
- [Greg] I feel a but coming. - But? I do, yeah.
Not enough of a but.
- Liza got 32. - She did.
Tim Vine scored, as you can see...
29.
Ooh! That's fine.
- [Greg] Not bad. - [Alex] Not bad!
[applause]
Next up, it's Alice Levine. Here we go.
I don't even know whether... I mean, obviously, I'm not an idiot.
Well, not obviously. I'm not an idiot.
So I know the middle is the highest score.
But I don't really even know how you calculate the score,
other than the bullseye.
[Alex] There are numbers on the board, Alice.
D'you know what? I'm gonna go one for one.
This one's nice.
Oh, I've broken that one. OK.
- Do you think that bit matters? - Which bit?
The... The, um...
- the hat bit. - The wings?
- Yeah. - It's called the wings.
Yeah.
[Alex] Could you ask me if the wings matter?
- Do the wings matter? - The wings?
- Is it not called the wings? - No.
- What's it called? - The flight.
Fine.
OK.
Is it worth anything on the black bit on the outside?
[Alex] I don't think so.
Oh, that's what I was gonna go for!
Come on.
Very close to that triple, isn't it?
That's what I was going for, yeah.
- Thank you, Alice. - [laughing] Thank you.
- [laughter] - Oh, God.
Who would've thought it was possible for that to be made any more tragic?
[laughter]
Did you ask if you can score on the outside ring of the dartboard?
With fairness to me, the number is by the black bit.
[Alex laughs]
I can tell you Alice scored 13,
which is 10 more than Russell,
and Russell used 59 darts more than her.
And from a metre, you could've pretty much put it in.
Excuse me?
[laughter]
You didn't use the lean, that's what he's saying.
- The lean? - Yeah.
Is that the green bit...? Oh, no, that's the wings.
- What was that? The flight? - [laughter]
No, he means, like, the...
Oh, a physical lean.
[laughter]
OK!
Russell, I'm afraid, is in last with three.
But ten for sexy points.
Right, Greg?
No.
[laughter]
It then goes Alice, Asim, Tim,
but with 32, Liza is the winner and gets five points!
[cheers and applause]
Very good. It's usually around this time that we see a scoreboard, Alex, right?
Yes, yes, exactly now.
- Ready? - Ready!
We've got joint second place but joint first place as well.
Tim and Liza, joint first with nine points.
[cheers and applause]
Very good. Let's crack on.
Let's have another task. What is it?
It's time for our first team task.
[everyone] Oooh.
So, here is an introduction to whet your appetite.
How long have you been there for?
Nice suit.
Wow, you look nice!
- [Tim] I like the blue. The suit's lovely. - [Liza] You look really good on it.
Shall I, um... extract this?
"Keep Alex dry. Driest Alex wins."
"You may not touch Alex at any point."
Wouldn't want to.
"You may not be within the compass when the shower is on."
"The shower will be turned on for two minutes in two minutes from now."
So, I say we go to the shed and find something that...
[Alice] A platform or like a...
- An umbrella, yeah. - or a tarpaulin. OK.
We may not be in there when the shower's on, but it's not on now,
so let's put a bin bag over him.
It's starting in two minutes, the shower.
Bin bags or tarp... tarpeters?
[applause]
- Uh-oh! - Uh-oh.
Um, what's a tarpeter?
[laughter]
- I don't know. Tarpenter. - Tarpeter.
Words get lodged in my head, beyond a certain age.
They all ran off to look for a tarpeter.
- They did. - Yeah.
[laughter]
That's your power, Liza Tarbuck.
- That's your power. - Is it?
Do you want to know why we've teamed them up in their teams?
'Cause we've got the teams of Alice and Russell,
and, of course, Asim, Liza and Tim.
Yeah, I'd like to know.
We grouped them like that...
um, because of their work schedules.
Ah.
[laughter]
Who are we gonna see first?
We're gonna see team Tim, Liza and Asim first.
Did they manage to keep me nice and dry?
I don't know, I haven't seen it.
No, OK, yeah.
[Tim] I've got bin bags here.
- [Liza] Have you? Loads? - Loads, yeah.
I've brought this for his head.
Oh, hang on. Let's get one of these on him,
- and then let's pop that over him. - [Tim] That's good, 'cause that..
If you add that first, that might stop him suffocating.
Hang on a minute.
Alright, now let's put this over him like that.
45 seconds.
Oh! Quick, quick, quick!
We need another bin bag over the top, don't we?
OK, yeah.
Are we allowed to just block the shower off?
Lift your feet, please, Alex.
Get out of the compass! Get out!
[laughter]
[whistle blows]
[Liza] Good work.
[Asim] Towel's good, yeah. The bag's good. OK.
That's keeping it off his feet, though, look.
[Liza] Yeah, that's really good.
- That's not bad, is it? - We've got a lot on his trousers.
[Asim] His back is gonna be dry.
- [Liza] His front isn't, though, is it? - [Asim] Yeah.
And put it...
Oh, no-- Oh, yeah, that's...
[Liza] Oh, that's good! Yeah.
[whistle blows]
Alright.
[Alex] Thank you.
[Liza] Thank you.
[Alex] Thank you very much. Goodbye.
[laughter]
[applause]
When the shower started going, you screamed,
as if what you were actually doing was blowing up some of those industrial towers.
- I was really excited. - It was just a shower coming on.
I'm working with other people. It was thrilling.
I loved it. You worked very hard to get the tarpeters ready.
[laughter]
- Tim helped put the tarpeters on. - I put the tarpeter on.
When the shower started to flow, Tim used his initiative,
started diverting the water.
- Yes, while staying outside of the circle. - While staying outside of the circle.
Asim...
[laughter]
stuck a plastic bowl on your head.
[laughter]
I was really keen to get that on, as well,
'cause I noticed that was all I am contributing.
I was like, "Don't forget the bowl!"
It wasn't a bad effort. How wet did you feel?
Somewhere between soggy and damp, I suppose.
- Moist? - Moist, yeah.
Right, that's the end of part two. Gone, just like that.
[they groan]
There's part three coming, and it brings
more promise of more excitement.
Bye!
Hello! It's Taskmaster, it's part three,
and it's over to little Alex Horne.
Thank you. This one is called Ache.
- [Greg groans] - [laughter]
And it's a midshave, so you use this while shaving,
and it aids the shave 'cause it's made of Chinese five-spice
and ground-up razor blades.
[laughter]
So it helps... it helps remove...
So we're gonna move on to the second team.
We've seen Asim, Liza and Tim try to keep me dry.
They partly succeeded.
I was only a little bit wet and quite upset.
Up next are Russell and Alice. They're--
Hey, hey, hey. Don't try and get a cheeky, slick little rhyme in.
- I've got another one. - [Greg] Right.
- Ready? - Yep.
Up next are Russell and Alice.
They're cool kids and this is what they dids.
[laughter]
[Alice] How heavy is this? Could we hold this over...?
- [Alice] It's too heavy, isn't it? - [Russell] I was just thinking that.
[Alice] Oh, it's not that heavy, for two minutes.
Yeah, that's alright, isn't it?
Yeah, well, let's take that back first and see...
- Is there anything else? - see if that goes over.
[Russell] Shall we quickly try this and see if that works?
Well, wait, actually, why don't we just hold...
Rather than cover him, cover the shower?
So...
[Alice] Don't touch Alex at any point, though.
[Russell] Feels like he's gonna be alright...
or we could just turn the hose off.
- [applause] - Whaaat?
If we disconnect it, make it go over here.
[laughter and applause]
And just put it down there.
Let's get a hair dryer and really dry him up as well.
[Alice] Is there any dry white wine?
- Thanks, Russell. - Yes, yes, yes!
[Alice] OK.
And this is a dry martini.
- Dry martini? - Yeah.
We're gonna hair-dryer you as well.
[Alex] The shower is on.
[Russell] Yeah. Well, looks like you're pretty dry, eh?
[whistle blows]
[cheers and applause]
I mean, sometimes on this show,
you just have to put your hands up and go,
"They just absolutely knocked it out of the park."
So, the shower, the bit above him, was that on?
Well, they turned it on, but it didn't work.
Yeah, the shower was on, but it was disconnected,
because Team Funk went and bust it.
[laughter]
Can I just clarify, we haven't settled on Team Funk.
- [Asim] Yeah, that's... - [laughter]
By the end, I was very dry.
I was drier than I was before. I was like a raisin.
OK, I'm gonna give four points to Alice and Russell,
and one point to the other team.
What?! They don't even deserve one!
They seem happy with that, so, yeah...
Yeah, that's cool. Let's move on.
- [applause] - That's... I can't believe it.
We're shifting now. What else have we got, Alex?
We are shifting, aren't we? We've got a different sort of task now.
Here it is.
- Hello, Alex. - Asim Chaudhry.
- How are you doing, mate? - I'm good, thank you.
- Hello. - Hello, Russell.
- [Alex] Good luck. - Thank you.
"Take a picture of a group of people, each holding an egg."
Ha!
"Most people holding eggs in a picture wins."
"You must be in your picture."
"You have one week to text the picture to the Taskmaster's assistant."
Yeah, next Thursday, five past three, I'd like a picture of you.
- With a lot of eggs? - And a lot of people.
- Up me. - Pardon?
[laughter]
If I was gigging at the moment, I could definitely win,
- but I'm not doing any shows. - Right.
- Well, good luck. - Thank you.
[laughter]
[applause]
Right, so, simple.
A picture of as many people as possible holding an egg.
- They've got to be in the picture as well. - [Greg] Yep.
That's it, they had a week to do it.
- [Alex] OK, this is Liza's. - [Tim] Wow.
[Alex] There are 85 eggs there.
It's clearly Photoshop.
Did it say in the instructions that you couldn't do that?
Nope.
We can zoom in. You can see Liza, she's sort of mid-right.
- [Alex] There she is. - [Tim] Oh, yeah.
[laughter]
- I think it's a good idea. - Mm-hm.
- Let's have a look at Asim's. - OK.
I just put a thing out saying, "Send me pictures with eggs."
- [Greg] You put a thing out? Social media? - [Asim] Yeah.
- And you got those nine people back? - Yeah.
[laughter]
- How many have we got, Alex? - There's 14 there.
Fourteen egg-holders, but they're real people.
[Alex] So this is a more straightforward approach.
Alice, her workmates. That's Radio 1.
[Greg] And they're holding chocolate eggs up.
[Alice] Yeah, we just went for chocolate eggs.
It smacks of minimal effort to me.
Sure, sure.
Also, women do work at Radio 1, I must stress.
[laughter]
Let's have a look at Russell's.
[Russell] This is me with the cricket team, the Mumbai Blasters.
You can see my mum there in the middle, very excited.
Give me some stats.
Well, we haven't seen Tim yet, but we've got nine...
- [Greg] Nine. - and then we've got 11.
- Yeah. - And then we've got 85 and 23.
Yeah, but they're 85 rogues.
Can it.
[laughter]
OK, well, Tim Vine had a fifth approach.
[everyone gasps]
That's an infinite number of mes holding an infinite number of eggs.
The photographer is my local butcher.
[laughter]
How many eggs can you see in the picture?
Well, it just goes on and on forever.
[Russell] It doesn't, though, does it, mate?
Come on, then, Greg.
I think, um, you know, there's some pictures of people holding eggs.
Whether they're real eggs or not, it doesn't matter.
In last place, it's got to be Alice.
No, Tim!
- [Greg] There's only nine hipsters holding eggs. - [Alice] There's only two!
One butcher and one non-butcher in that one!
I'll decide this. Six, seven...
I can see eight people holding eggs.
So I do not come last any more?
No, you don't, because you've got nine useless hipsters holding eggs up.
- You're not happy with it? - No, I'm fine!
- [Greg] It's just a game, mate. - Exactly, just nice to be out of the house.
- [Greg] Just a bit of fun. - [laughter]
- Alice has now got two points. - Yeah, good.
Whereas Tim's only got one point now.
[Greg] Yeah, Asim has 14 people, Russell has 23 people.
Liza, there's hundreds of eggs, she gets the five points.
[Alex] Five points to Liza Tarbuck!
[applause]
Time to start another one, I'd say!
OK, this is a task that wound up a little man.
[doorknob rattling]
That was me trying to come out as quick as possible.
I'm actually not very familiar with doors. That bit there was...
[he chuckles]
- [Alex] Hello, Tim. - Hello.
[laughter]
What the dickens?
Oh.
"Make this wind-up little man go on the most extraordinary journey."
"You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now."
See, I'm trying to think of something other than just, like, a long journey.
The motion of the winding... It doesn't say has to be
- how he goes on his journey. - [Alex] No.
I think we're gonna head out to the road, lads.
And we're gonna give this... this guy...
the ride of his life, quite literally.
[applause]
- Pretty straightforward. - Yep.
An extraordinary journey with a little wind-up man.
A little wind-up man on a penny-farthing.
He had a moustache and no eyes, like Hitler,
except for the eyes.
- And the hat. - And the penny-farthing, yeah.
Shouldn't have mentioned Hitler.
[laughter]
So... Who are we gonna see first?
- Shall we see Liza Tarbuck first? - [Greg] Yes!
OK, this is Liza's extraordinary journey.
So, I've got the little guy here, and what I'm thinking of
is to get him from one side of the road to the other.
He's outside. It's life or death.
Has he been outside before?
I don't know, I haven't asked him.
- OK. - He's terse.
I don't even really like him.
[little man whirs]
Ahh.
[Alex] Oh my God.
[Alex] Oh, she avoided him.
[bike bell rings]
[audience gasps]
Still not... He's not dead, though.
He's not dead. There's life in him, isn't there?
[laughter]
- Jesus! - I don't like him.
[Liza] Oh, are you alright? He didn't feel a thing.
- He was alive! - I was scared that he was in pain.
You didn't need to put him out of his misery.
I did. It was horrible.
[Liza] Look at his head!
[Alex] I don't want to look at his head.
[applause]
At the beginning of the extraordinary journey you sent your man on,
you just muttered almost to yourself, "I don't even like him."
- [laughter] - Yeah.
I don't know, he was so tinny.
None of us knew you were gonna do the stamp, and it was quite harrowing.
You were upset.
You did look genuinely upset.
Also, at the time, it was the only little man we had.
[laughter]
Do you want to see Russell Howard's little man journey?
- Oh, I do. - OK.
[laughter]
[serene music plays]
Alright, you ready?
Yep.
So, he's about to go on a physical journey and a spiritual one.
And who am I?
You're the Buddha, so hit him with a quote.
"The root of suffering is attachment."
Bit more preachy, come on mate.
"You can only lose what you cling to."
That's better. I'm gonna get him up there.
OK. "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without."
- More spiritual! - I am doing it spiritually.
Do it a bit more flamboyantly, mate.
"Rule your mind or it will rule you."
- No, you're saying it... - I'm saying it very well.
You sound like a geography teacher. I need you to say it like the Buddha.
"The root of suffering is attachment."
- Right, he's right at the top now. - I'm ready.
"The mind is everything. What you think, you become."
- Right, I'm gonna let him go. - OK, I'm ready.
Right, here we go, Buddha.
Right, here he goes!
- "Rule your mind or it will rule you." - Here he comes! Now!
YES!
And that's why people follow you!
[applause]
Normally, when you see someone talking about their faith,
it tends to be in a very soft, gentle way.
But you were encouraging Alex as if you were a football manager.
- [laughter] - Yeah, yeah.
"That's it! More spiritual!"
"Say it more spiritual!"
Well, I really loved it. Who's next?
We're gonna see Tim Vine's attempt.
[Alex] How's it going, Tim?
Yeah, good, he's gonna go to Fir Tree Summit.
[Alex] Fir Tree Summit?
That hasn't happened.
[Alex laughs]
Go!
Keep going!
Come on!
To the summit! Yes, come on!
That's it!
He's there!
And, obviously, the key to a journey is that he returns.
[laughter]
Oh, that hasn't happened.
Let me just think about this. How long have I got?
[Alex] 12 minutes.
[he laughs] It's not quite long enough.
Come on, Mideon!
Ooh, flip.
Right, come on, boy.
Come on.
Flippin' heck.
Finished.
[Alex] You've done your journey. Thank you, Tim.
[applause]
You named him Mideon.
- Mideon, yes. - [Russell] Oh, nice.
Why did you go for Mideon?
Well, it wasn't me who went for it, as you put it.
It was his parents.
[laughter]
The string was tied around Mideon's neck.
So you did sort of... You sort of lynched Mideon.
[laughter]
Very different story, isn't it? Very different journey.
From being alive to being lynched.
But, you know, why are we being angry with Tim for that?
Liza kicked the shit out of hers.
[laughter]
OK, we all need a break once in a while, and that while is now.
Then it's part four, when we discover who gets to take home
Alice Levine's hairball.
Hello!
Welcome back to Taskmaster. It's the final part of the show,
and Tim Vine is getting more and more nervous
about losing his precious Elvis hair.
Where were we, then, Alex?
We were trying to send a little man on an extraordinary journey, Greg,
and so far he's been on a voyage of self-discovery with Russell,
he's been up a tree with Tim,
and he's had his life abruptly ended by Liza Tarbuck's foot.
Next up, it's Alice Levine.
Where would be cool to take a journey to?
Where's about as far as you can go?
Southern Hemisphere...
Um, so yeah, I might send him to my cousin.
OK.
"Hi, Heather and Ava and Freya."
"I was hoping you girls could help me."
"I need to send this little guy on an extraordinary journey
for a challenge that I'm doing."
"Is there any way that you could take him to the beach with you,
or to a good old Australian barbecue,
and send me a picture? Lots of love, Alice."
Well, I'm just gonna take this to the post office.
[Alex] OK.
And you're happy to approve air mail?
I approve. You've got 11 minutes to get there.
OK. BRB.
[applause]
So what happened? You posted him?
- Yeah. - And?
We don't know where he is.
- [laughter] - Why don't we know where he is?
I had to call home to get the address for where my cousin lived,
and my dad was like, "No problem!"
And then basically gave me an address from about 38 years ago.
So... But he definitely had a great journey, an adventure,
in the postal system.
Both in the UK and potentially abroad.
He could still be in the UK.
I think he died alone in a bag.
[laughter]
He died alone in a bag, you smashed the shit out of him,
you brainwashed him in some cult...
- What? - and you lynched him.
- These lot! - [laughter]
Asim's got a very good point, I think, that all of these people
have shown scant regard for small moustached man's safety.
- Absolute... No, no, no. - Such big hope. Such big hope!
The view from Fir Tree Summit is amazing.
Let's have a look at Asim's, and if it's shit...
Woo-hoo! There's gonna be hell to pay.
Here we go, mate.
Now, listen to me.
Be careful, alright?
There's gonna be some monsters down there.
But I believe in you.
And I believe in that girthy moustache he's got.
Very powerful, mate. Alright?
Godspeed!
[dramatic music begins]
Come on, mate!
Cycle, cycle!
Watch out, watch out!
Fire!
Monsters!
Fucking... loads of dangerous shit!
Come on!
Come on, you can do it, man. I believe in you!
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
Come on, mate!
You made it!
[cheers and applause]
I mean, I loved it.
Thank you.
And you're taking directing to a new level, as well,
by adding, "And shit."
[laughter]
I just try my best and shit.
[laughter]
I love the idea of Spielberg pitching E.T.
"Oh, he's got a long finger and shit."
[laughter]
OK, I'm gonna make a very quick decision on this.
I'm gonna separate one person,
because the honesty of her destruction...
You know, if you are going to kill a small man,
at least be blatant about it.
Say, "I don't like the guy,"
- and snap his head off. - OK.
So, for that reason, I'm putting Asim in first place,
Liza in second, and joint third place,
with three points each are the other three. Thank you.
- [Russell] What the...? - The winner is Asim Chaudhry!
[cheers and applause]
Got one, got one.
Can we see a late-in-the-day scoreboard, Alex, please?
Yes, we can. We have an outright leader.
Liza Tarbuck's on 19 points.
[cheers and applause]
Can everyone please make their way to the stage for the final task of the show?
[cheers and applause]
Looks fascinating, Alex. Who's gonna read the task out?
- Asim. - OK.
"When instructed, put your grape in either your mouth or your hand
whilst staring at the Taskmaster."
"You must then answer the Taskmaster's question,
and fool the Taskmaster into thinking your grape
is not where your grape is."
- [laughter] - "You..."
"You must not eat your grape."
"Your answer must contain at least five words."
"If the Taskmaster correctly guesses where your grape is, you are eliminated."
[Greg] You get a grape. You can put it in your hand
or you can pop it in your mouth.
Then I'm gonna ask you a question that you have to answer in detail.
And at the end of your answer,
I will guess whether your grape is in your hand or your mouth.
Right.
If you fool him, you stay in. If you don't, you go out.
Whoever's still standing at the end of that gets five points.
OK, so if you want to take a grape.
Don't do anything with it yet,
and we're gonna start with the person in first place, which is Liza Tarbuck.
Let's go then. OK.
[laughter]
Put it in your hand or mouth and I'm gonna ask you a question.
What's the best way to tame a horse?
[laughter]
I'm afraid you've lost me there.
OK. Greg, where is Liza's grape?
The grape is in Liza's hand.
Liza, where's your grape?
Out.
- Happy to take it, yeah. - [laughter]
- [she laughs] - [applause]
Russell Howard, you're next.
Please put your grape in either your hand or your mouth.
[laughter]
You're in a fight with Theresa May's husband.
[laughter]
How are you gonna take him down?
Hit him...
as hard as I possibly could.
[laughter]
And I would then look at Theresa May
and I would say,
"If you don't correctly fund the NHS..."
"I will finish him."
[laughter and applause]
I believe the grape to be in Russell's hand.
[Alex] Russell, where is your grape?
[cheers and applause]
We now move on to Tim Vine.
[laughter]
What's the physically biggest cat you've ever seen, Tim?
- Biggest cat! - [Liza laughs]
[muffled] Biggest...
[laughter]
cat I've ever seen is a...
[laughter]
is a tiger.
[laughter]
I believe Tim's grape to be in his hand.
[cheers and applause]
Alice Levine next.
- Are they staying there? - Mm-hm.
- [Liza] Oh! - [Asim] Clever.
There's a ring at your door.
It's Barry Gibb from the Bee Gees.
[laughter]
Thinking back to what you currently have in your fridge,
what are you gonna offer Barry as a lovely snack?
- [muffled] Hummus. - Hummus.
Hummus and celery 'cause it's healthy.
Where is Alice Levine's grape?
In Alice's hand.
- Yes! - You are eliminated.
Asim Chaudhry, please put your grape in your mouth or your hand.
Ahh! Oooh.
What is the best Japanese short story that you know?
[laughter]
[muffled] Not really into Japanese stories.
I like, er, Chinese stories...
and hentai.
I believe the grape to be in Asim's hand.
[Alex] Where is your grape?
Fuck's sake.
- [applause] - So Asim Chaudhry's out.
It's a head-to-head.
It's Russell Howard to play first.
OK.
Shoot.
What are your favourite words that begin with S?
[muffled] Slippery.
[laughter]
Sausages.
[laughter]
Serendipity.
[laughter]
It's so creepy.
Fool me once, you won't fool me again. It's in your hand.
- Gah! - [cheers and applause]
- Can we... Can we check? - Is it in your mouth?
It's in my pocket.
[laughter]
I'll be honest with you, I forgot.
[laughter]
I think you have to take a step back.
If Tim Vine fools you, he's won the five points.
If he doesn't, no one gets any points and that's the end of that.
Shhh--
It's a big moment, it's a big moment.
Tim, please put your grape in your hand or your mouth.
I will.
In a German accent...
[laughter]
could you tell me the best way to mount a trampoline?
Zat is very simple.
[laughter]
Take a small donkey...
[laughter]
Line it up with ze trampoline and climb on.
Well, I think Tim's grape...
[laughter]
is in his hand.
Bums on seats!
- [audience] Aww! - No one gets any points!
[cheers and applause]
Come down and let's see how that's affected the final score!
What happened there, then, Alex?
Well, in a way, there was no point doing any of it,
because no one got any points.
- But I could introduce... - It's not just about winning, though, is it?
It's about some gladiators hiding their grapes.
And also my brand new fragrance. Have I got time to...?
No, you haven't.
- It's my roll-on. - Drink it.
[laughter]
[they gasp]
- Right, do you want some scores? - Yes, please.
Well, Alice and Asim are in last place.
Joint second, Russell and Tim,
but the winner is Liza with 19 points!
Can't believe it.
Liza has won. Liza, please head up and collect your collection of hair!
[cheers and applause]
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that if your beloved pet is injured in a roadside accident,
don't call Liza Tarbuck.
She'll stamp on it and then cover its corpse in a tarpeter.
[laughter]
And, of course, someone won the show.
Coincidentally, that person is Liza Tarbuck.
Huge congratulations to her!
[cheers and applause]
[Greg] Yes, victory.
Good night to you all. Good night!
[subtitles by tribbletown]