You Tell Her, Freddy
That I Heard That He Said That She Did
And He Doesn't Lie.
Freddy, Just Tell Her.
There She Is!
Yes, I Know What She Looks Like.
Vanessa.
Your Sister Just Interrupted My Work
To Tell Me You Bothered Her.
She Shouldn't Have.
You're A Busy Man.
That's Not Important.
Yes, It Is.
You Bring New Lives Into The World.
Without You, Women Would Stay Pregnant Forever.
The Question Is, Why Are You Bothering Your Sister?
I Don't Know.
I Told You Not To.
Uh-Huh.
Why Are You Still Bothering Her?
I Don't Know.
You Two Have To Learn To Play Together.
Do You Understand?
Fine.
Now Get Away From Each Other.
Stop It!
Hey!
I Was Just Hurrying Her Along.
She's Only Five Now, But She's Going To Grow Up
And She May Begin To Do Body-Building
Come Back And Say
"Remember All The Times You Pushed Me?"
And Clean Your Clock.
Yeah, Dad.
Denise, Didn't I Ask You To Look After Them?
Give Me This.
Hello, Freddy?
Hi. I'm Hanging Up Now.
You Can Keep Talking If You Want.
Daddy, This Wouldn't Happen
If I Had My Own Phone In My Room.
If You Had Your Own Phone, We Would Never See You.
You'd Come Out One Day
And We Would Wonder Who You Are
And Charge You Rent.
I Can't Talk To My Own Boyfriend?
You Can.
Where?
Any Pay Phone In New York.
Daddy...
Making Biscuits.
Now Stop. Stop Now.
Come On.
You're Squashing Grapes, Making A Mess Of The Food
And Bothering Your Sister.
Tell Dad...
Tell Dad What's The Problem? Please.
How Come Mom Takes Teddy
To See The New Movie "Death Track 2000"
And Not Me?
Because You Can't Handle The Scary Stuff.
Everybody Knows That.
You Know That.
I Read For You
"Little Bo Beep Has Lost Her Sheep"
When You Were Little.
You Cried For Two Weeks.
Janet Meiser's Parents Let Her See It.
I Doubt That Very Much.
Yes, They Did.
If You Want Me To
I Will Call Janet Meiser's Parents
And Ask Them That
And Embarrass You All To Pieces.
(Sing-Song) ♪ I'm Going To The Phone. ♪
♪ You Better Stop Me Before I Get There. ♪
♪ This Is Your Last Chance. ♪
♪ I'm Picking Up The Phone. ♪
♪ I Have The Receiver In My Hand. ♪
555-1379.
♪ It's Ringing. ♪
♪ You Better Pray They're Not Home. ♪
♪ They're Answering. ♪
♪ Hello, Mrs. Meiser? ♪
♪ Dr. Huxtable Here. ♪
♪ Nice To... ♪
♪ Why Am I Singing? ♪
Oh, Hi. I'm Sorry.
I Wanted To Ask You--
Did You Let Janet See "Death Track 2000"?
Aha!
All Right.
And Thank You.
She Did.
You Know What That Means?
What?
Nothing, Because You're Still Not Going.
Daddy, It's Not Fair.
Everyone Gets To Go But Me.
Vanessa, How Many Times Have You Begged To Go To A Scary Movie
And Then You Wound Up So Scared You Had To Sleep With Us?
Twice.
Hundreds Of Times.
Not Hundreds.
Not Twice.
You Missed A Great Movie.
Yeah?
It Was Non-Stop. Blood Everywhere.
Did I Get Any On Me?
She Doesn't Recognize A Classic.
When They Weren't Shooting Or Blowing Up A Car Or Building
They Stood There Cursing--
The Foulest Mouths I've Ever Heard.
Yeah.
Dad, She Was Real Embarrassed.
Let Me Tell You About The Movie.
Start From The Beginning And Talk Slow.
Vanessa, Go To Your Room And Play With Your Sister
And Stay Away From Her.
There Is No Fun In My Life.
As You Get Older, It Gets Worse.
Tell Me About The Plot Of This Epic.
There Was This Guy Max Savage
And This Gang Took His Car
And He Had To Get It Back.
That's The Plot?
Yeah, But You Hardly Notice It.
What's Really Great Is These Guys
Have These Machine Guns That Shoot Fireballs.
One Guy Had This Big Bazooka
That Blew Up Whole Cities.
Have I Got To See This Movie!
Vanessa!
I'm Still Downstairs, Aren't I?
I Could Take The Stabbings And The Beatings
And Those People That Explode Every Six Seconds.
What Got Me Was When This Movie Let Out
These Kids Left The Theater Laughing.
It Was Fun.
We've Got One In Our Own House
And We Feed It.
Errol Flynn In "Don Juan."
Laurence Olivier In "Wuthering Heights"?
We Got Colt Kirby And "Shoot-Out In Laredo."
You Are On Your Own.
He Had Coco The Wonder Horse--
The Smartest Horse In The World.
Used To Roll His Own Cigarettes.
(Door Opening)
Back From Laredo.
How Was It?
Theo: Okay.
Okay? It Was Great.
It Wasn't Realistic.
Wasn't Realistic?
Mr. "My-Girlfriend-Is- In-The-Building-
"Throw-An-H-Bomb-In- Blow-Up-Everything-To-Get-Her-
She-Comes-Out- With-Her-Hair-Unsinged"
Says My Movie Was Not Realistic?
His Guy Shot His Six-Shooter 39 Times Without Reloading.
His Guy Rode His Horse Coco 600 Miles
And Passed The Same Rock 14 Times.
Well, Tex?
You Don't Go To A Movie To Count Rocks.
You Go To A Movie To See Colt Kirby
Who Was A Real Hero-- Honest, Decent.
I Thought He Was A Wimp.
Children, Please.
He Started It.
That's Enough.
Go Wash Up For Dinner.
With Soap.
Yes, Ma'am.
Colt Kirby Would Have Kicked Max Savage's Butt.
Are, Too.
Am Not.
Are, Too.
Am Not.
Hold On, Buckaroos.
What Seems To Be The Ruckus?
What?
In American, That Is "What's The Trouble"?
Rudy Called Me A Baby Because Of "Death Track 2000."
Did Not.
Did So.
Did Not.
Stop It. Did So.
Did...
Stop.
Did Not.
What Did You Say?
I Called Her A Chicken Baby.
I Am Not.
Are, Too.
Am Not.
Look, Stop. Stop It!
Now, Here--
Rudy, You Go And You Help Mommy In The Kitchen.
Vanessa...
Go Help Mom In The Kitchen.
Now?
Do I Have To Say Now?
Uh-Huh.
(No Audio)
Cliff?
Hmm?
I Liked Tonight's Supper. How About You?
Yeah.
Salad. A Little Salmon.
Yeah.
We Ought To Eat Light More Often.
Yeah. I'm Starving.
Me, Too.
I Saw Some Leftover Chicken.
Uh-Uh.
Cheese And Crackers.
Coming Up!
Swiss Cheese And Crackers.
Swiss Is Too Dry.
We Got Cheddar.
Okay.
Cheddar Cheese And Crackers.
What Kind Of Crackers?
Uh, We Got Saltines.
Saltines And Cheddar Cheese.
Okay.
Got It.
Make It Bread.
Bread, Cheddar Cheese.
Right?
Right.
Lightly Toasted.
You Want...
Bread, Cheddar Cheese, Lightly Toasted.
That's Right.
Okay.
Cliff, On Second Thought...
Why Don't We Just Go With The Chicken?
Why Don't I Just Bring Up The Refrigerator?
Now You're Talking.
It's 11:00.
I'm On Time.
Looks Almost Done.
Smells Good.
What Is It?
Coffee.
Care To Join Me?
Oh, Yeah. Thank You.
Can I Ask You A Question?
Oh, Sure.
Do You Have A Nighttime Job That I Don't Know About--
Like Driving A Truck Or Something Like That?
Why Are You Drinking Coffee?
I'm Afraid To Go Back To Sleep.
Had A Bad Dream.
Oh. Had A Bad Dream.
That's Enough. Thank You, Dear.
This Coffee Does Work, Doesn't It?
Yes, It Does. Tell Me About Your Dream.
There Was This Real Mean Gang Of Kidnappers.
They Took Max Savage's Car...
Wait. See?
You're Scared
Because Of What You Heard Theo Say Two Days Ago.
Imagine If You Had Gone To That Movie.
Dad, I Did.
How Did You Get A Ticket?
It's Easy.
This High School Guy Stands Outside The Theater.
He Can Grow A Moustache.
We Call Him "Movie Dave"
And For Fifty Cents, He'll Take A Kid In.
He Is Cleaning Up!
Was It Worth It?
It Was Horrible.
What We Have To Do Is Get You Into Bed.
Tomorrow You And I Will Discuss A Tremendous Grounding.
Let's Go.
There's Supposed To Be A Child Behind Me.
I Go To My Room And Close My Eyes
And The Kidnappers Scare Me, So I'm Back In The Kitchen.
Can't I Stay?
Would It Be Better If You Slept With Us Tonight?
Thanks, Dad.
I Wouldn't Have To Go In My Room Or Drink That Coffee.
We Had Something Like This In Med School.
Take One Sip And You Were Awake For Six Hours.
Two Sips, You Were Awake For 72 Hours.
Drink A Cup, You'll Never Blink In Life.
(Moaning)
Two Nights Of This Is Enough.
I'm Going To Sleep On The Sofa.
(Loud Snoring)
Shut Up.
(Door Opening)
(Door Slamming)
Men Are Dirt.
Uh-Oh. Freddy Messed Up.
We Go To This Restaurant
And The Whole Time, He's Looking At The Waitress.
Oh, Freddy.
She's Listing The Specials, He's Looking At Her Legs.
No, Freddy.
So I Got Mad.
I Said, "Freddy, Those Aren't On The Menu."
Daddy, I Was Great.
I Didn't Say, "Take Me Home."
I Said, "I'll Have The Caviar Appetizer, Please."
Twelve Bucks.
I Said, "I'll Have The Maine Lobster."
$24.50.
"And The Cherries Jubilee."
Eight Dollars.
And Then I Said, "Take Me Home."
Well, Dear, In The Words Of Colt Kirby
"I Like Your Style."
Thanks, Daddy.
Good Night.
Mommy, What Happened?
Oh, Honey, You Fell.
Listen, Baby.
We Need To Talk
About These Sleeping Arrangements.
You Kicking Me Out?
I Know What You're Going Through.
When I Was Your Age
I Thought I Saw A Witch Outside My Window.
You Did?
She Had Slimy Green Skin, Teeth All Bunched Up Together
Stringy White Hair
And She Used To Call
(Raspy Witch Voice) "Clair, Clair."
Oh, Mom.
When I Saw Her, I Ran To My Parents' Room.
You Did The Right Thing.
My Mother Gave Me Something
That Helped Me Go Back To My Room.
What Did She Give You?
This.
She Gave You Junk Jewelry?
This Medal Has Been In Our Family Since 1859.
Wow.
And When My Mother Gave Me This Medal
I Knew I Would Never Again Be Bothered By That Witch.
May This Medal Make You Brave.
I Feel Better Already.
And Now It's Time For You To Go Back To Your Room.
I Knew It Was Coming.
It's Going To Be Hard, But I'm Going Back In There.
I'll See Those Kidnappers Staring Straight At Me
But No Matter How Scared I Get, I'll Stay In My Room.
I Love You.
Mom?
Huh?
Those Earrings Would Look So Great With My Medal.
We Have Definitely Got A Daytime Couch.
Look, Daddy.
My Bravery Medal.
Mommy Gave It To Me.
Oh, My Goodness.
Well, Congratulations.
Good Night, Mama.
Good Night, Baby.
See You In The Morning.
Let's Hope So.
That's My 880-Relay Medal.
I Had To Run For Two Years To Earn That Medal.
You've Got To Give Something To Get Something.
In The Words Of Colt Kirby...