[♪]
[GAVEL POUNDS]
MAN: Gentlemen, please, the meeting is called to order,
and we need quiet, not a riot.
Otherwise, we can't proceed.
Listen, you Woman Haters,
we meet for the seventh time
to convince each member of the club
that romance is a crime!
If you have any questions or any suggestions
that you'd like to make today,
or if you have a notion to offer a motion,
let's hear what you have to say.
Come, speak up like a hero.
Your speech need not be rehearsed.
Who's that? Oh, yes, it's Mr. Zero.
All right. I'll speak up first.
[APPLAUSE]
I'll give you my opinion of the opposite sexes.
When a man marries a girl,
he has to work while she relaxes.
Some smart aleck wrote a book The Woman Always Pays.
Yeah, she pays for perfume, powder,
paint and every silly craze.
But where does the money come from?
From those dopey guys who fall.
I say down with every guy who sings,
"My Life, My Love, My all."
Gentlemen, gentlemen, those in favor say "aye."
MEN: Aye. Aye.
CHAIRMAN: All right, we'll pass that by.
Mr. Chairman, three gentlemen wait without.
Without what?
They wanna join our club today.
Okay, admit them right away.
[♪]
In the name of the Woman Haters Club,
I welcome you.
Do you three gentlemen understand
what you're expected to do?
Now, boys, relax.
I said, relax.
Now, please, at ease. Relax, relax!
I didn't tell you to break your backs.
Stand up for the initiation.
Please. Please. Don't do that.
CHAIRMAN: Let go!
[CHAIRMAN GRUNTING]
CHAIRMAN: I pronounce you members of the Woman Haters Club!
ALL: Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!
Fellas, I'll have to quit that club I joined last week.
BOTH: Quit the club?! That's what I said.
Why, you big fathead, what do you mean?
It's this way: I met a beautiful girl
and fell head over heels in love.
Why, you must be outta your mind.
You're crazy. What're you thinking of?
But I promised to marry her tonight.
BOTH: Tonight?
Why, if you violate the rules of the club,
you're just as good as dead.
If you get married, you'll be carried out
and clubbed right on the head.
Down with the traitors of the Woman Haters Club.
Fellas, you've convinced me.
I guess that you're right.
I'll have to call the wedding off.
I'll tell her tonight.
That's fine, but how can we be certain
you won't give us the double-cross?
I'll put up my bankroll.
If I miss, I'll take the loss.
I got a better idea than that.
I'll tell you what let's do.
Jackie, me and you put up our bankrolls too.
We'll sign an agreement
that we three will stick together for life
and never even look at a girl and never take a wife.
Now that you've signed, please bear in mind,
from now on, no women around of any kind.
Right? Right.
Now the forfeit we'll post.
Fill 'em up. Fill 'em up.
Now I'll make a toast.
To the three musketeers, who've stuck along for years,
we've traveled together in every kind of weather.
Right? Right.
What've you got to say for yourself?
Me? You.
I've got plenty to say for myself.
[HICCUPS]
I beg your pardon, mates.
Here's to the finest salesmen in the whole United States.
Say, by the way, don't we leave for the row tonight?
What day is this? The 21st.
By golly, you're right.
Let's hurry back.
We gotta pack our samples for the trip.
Okay. Before we go, let's take another sip.
Here's to our trip.
You'd better see your girl and offer her your sympathy.
Tell her that the bride-to-be is not the bride-to-be.
Right? Right.
[HICCUPS] [HICCUPS]
[BELCHES]
Rain or shine or rain, I'll meet youse at the train.
And now I'll tell the lady that I'll never see her again.
[IRISH ACCENT] Daughter, it's late. Have you heard from Jim?
Now, Dad, he'll be here. Don't worry about him.
But the people are waitin'.
Oh, here he comes now. Hello, Jim.
Can I see you privately in the next room?
Not now, dear. What's troubling you?
Why all the gloom?
Friends of the family... meet the groom.
Aw, congratulations. [GUESTS CHATTERING]
Come on, son-in-law, let's have a drink.
Well, here's to the happiest ending.
Gee, I don't feel so hot.
Go on, you're joking. Sure you're pretending.
Honestly, father, I'm not.
That reminds me of a story. Listen.
That's me other daughter there.
Well, on her wedding day,
the fellow she was about to marry tried to run away.
Did you ever hear of a nerve like that?
Well, I took care of that guy.
In a room, I locked him,
then I socked him right in the eye.
Then I turned him over to me brother, the cop.
He just picked him up
and spinned him around like a top.
Then me other brother, who's a fighter, began.
Son, I'm ashamed to tell you what he did to that man.
Did he marry your daughter?
Did he? I should say he did.
There he is right over there. He'll be walking soon, poor kid.
Oh, Jim, let's go.
Right now? Yeah.
[GROANS]
Good luck. Let's go.
[JIM GROANS]
[♪]
Jim, do you take Mary...
["HERE COMES THE BRIDE" PLAYS]
...for your lawful wedded wife?
I do.
Mary, do you promise to love him,
share his joy and share his strife?
Oh, I do.
MINISTER: Place the ring upon her finger.
Not that one, the other finger.
I pronounce you man and wife.
[CROWD CHEERING]
[♪]
Honey, we're two hours early.
Why did we get here so soon?
Just so we can be alone for a while,
alone on our honeymoon.
Oh, darling, you're so thoughtful.
Catch on? You bet I do.
Is that all, sir?
Yeah, that's all that I want with you.
We're away from the crowd.
Oh, dear, oh, dear. Whew, what a relief.
Here you are.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Just ring if you want me, chief.
Oh, darling, I'm so happy that we're married at last.
You know something? I'm gonna try to make you happy too.
Yeah. Yeah.
I can't believe it. It all happened so fast.
Dear, can I ask a little favor of you?
Why, certainly.
I want you to promise to keep our marriage a secret.
What do you say?
Why, the idea. Are you ashamed of me?
[TEARFULLY] Oh, you're starting out in a nice way.
Doll, I might meet some friends on the train
that'll try to kid me along.
I dare them to kid you along.
Okay, I guess I'm wrong.
♪ For you ♪
♪ For you, my life My love, my all ♪
♪ We'll see the evening twilight Falling ♪
♪ I'll come home to you ♪
♪ Calling ♪
♪ Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ You'll croon ♪
♪ Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo-boo ♪
♪ A little song About the moon ♪
[WHISTLES POORLY]
♪ And when I've finished With my crooning ♪
♪ On my knees I'll fall ♪
BOTH: ♪ My life, my love, my all ♪
[♪]
There.
Say, what's that button that you wear?
"W.H.," what can that be?
Woman Haters. Oh, I see.
That's our organization. Why?
It appeals to me somehow.
Would you like to join? Yes, sir.
Okay. We'll initiate you now.
[♪]
I now pronounce you a member of the Woman Haters Club.
Say, did you see a curly-headed fella?
Sure enough. He's in there with a lady.
Brother, she hot stuff.
Honey, "W.H."? What does that mean?
Wonderful honeymoon. Oh...
[DOOR OPENS]
What does this mean? Are you crazy or what?
You fainted. Did you forgot?
What do you think, Tommy?
It's tommyrot. Come here. Come here!
Is there something I can do, dear?
Well, I wonder what that's all about.
Is it possible he's a thief?
Something tells me this marriage of mine
is going to end in grief.
I guess the best way to settle this matter is
to attend to it myself.
Fellas, I tell you, you got me all wrong.
I was minding my own business when that woman came along.
Suddenly, she fainted.
Now, I'm asking you, if a woman faints
right in your arms, what is there to do?
You don't think that I'd fool around
with a sappy dame like that?
Her eyes are like a cat
and her hair is like a rat.
TOMMY: Well, just the same,
we signed a paper,
and that paper reads:
"No woman shall ever enter our lives,
no matter what she needs."
Next time you're with a girl,
you're gonna forfeit your dough.
And furthermore, you have no right--
All right, all right, I know.
[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
♪ Oh, I'm in trouble A lot of trouble ♪
♪ I really don't know what to do ♪
♪ Can I get some help From you? ♪
Tell me, is it really serious?
♪ You'll never know How serious ♪
Let me help her. She's delirious.
Look!
♪ She's gonna faint ♪
Oh, no, she ain't.
♪ Oh, I can't bear it I can't go on ♪
♪ Won't someone help me To my room ♪
♪ Or I'll go right To my doom ♪
Well, little girl, if that's the case,
I'll go with you almost anyplace.
Oh, thank you.
Okay, toots.
Thank you.
[♪]
You've got to let me out of here.
You stay where you are.
I'll find out what's going on in the next car.
I insist. You stay here. I got to go.
You insist? Yes, I insist.
Oh, is that so?
Listen, I know how to handle her.
I've done it before.
You give me the works before.
Ya can't do it no more.
You'll make me mad. I'm losing my temper.
I'm warning you!
So you're trying to bulldoze me?
What are you gonna do?
You're making me mad! I'm losing my temper.
Come on, get out of my way.
No, I won't get out of your way.
Right here is where I'll stay.
Say, what's the idea of this rough stuff?
I've stood enough guff from you two.
Now, you behave.
Well, we weren't gonna bother anybody, mister.
We were just--
[♪]
♪ For you ♪
♪ For you, my life ♪
♪ My love, my all ♪
♪ We'll see The evening twilight falling ♪
♪ I'll come home to you ♪
♪ Calling ♪
♪ Yoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ You'll croon ♪
♪ Boo-boo-boo-boo ♪
♪ A little song Beneath the moon ♪
[FAILS TO WHISTLE]
♪ And when you're finished ♪
♪ With your crooning ♪
BOTH: ♪ On my knees I'll fall ♪
♪ My life, my love, my all ♪
Come on, explain yourself, and you better do it quick.
Breaking into my room this way
is the lowest kind of a trick. But, darling--
BOTH: "Darling"!? Oh, I forgot.
I thought I was talking to you.
Me? Where do you get that stuff?
What are you trying to do?
What are you doing here with this gal?
That's what I want to know.
Come on outside and I'll tell ya.
All right. Come on, let's go.
[♪]
Where's Jackie?
♪ Oh, come to me ♪
♪ Come to me ♪
♪ Tell me I'm your heart's desire ♪
♪ Oh, come to me ♪
♪ Come to me ♪
♪ Let me feel the bliss of your maddening kiss ♪
JIM: Open that door or I'll break it!
MARY: Oh! What's going on in there?
Oh. Oh...
TOMMY: You're a Woman Hater!
Ooh... [BANGING ON DOOR]
Okay, under here.
JIM: You can't get away with this.
Under here. Under here.
TOMMY: You can't get away with it!
Oh, my goodness.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Play dead. Play dead.
[GIGGLES]
Shh.
The poor boy is ill. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Be quiet till he awakes.
Fever. He's hot.
Don't worry.
♪ I got what it takes ♪
♪ To cure him ♪
Don't you dare strike him!
What's the matter? Do you like him?!
If you dare to lay a hand on him, I'll scream.
[SCREAMS]
Oh. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Come on, now, scram, ya mugs.
Did ya hear what I said?
And don't disturb us again, we're going to bed.
[♪]
[SMOOCHING]
Oh!
Get in there, up against the wall.
TOMMY: Oh.
[CRUNCHING]
[WHOOPING]
[♪]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
What are you doing?
Who are you looking for?
Let me out. Let me out of here.
Oh, a couple of acrobats.
Now, you pay attention
and you might get a big surprise.
I'll relieve your tension by telling you that I'm wise.
This man's my husband.
We were married a couple of hours ago,
and the agreement that you signed is false
and it don't go.
Everybody has cheated.
I can prove it, and I know.
Move over. Move over?
[SCREAMS]
[♪]
The 30th meeting of the Woman Haters Club is called.
ZERO: Mr. Chairman, there's a man outside.
Tell him to come inside.
Well, what do you want?
I wanna join the Woman Haters Club.
♪ For you ♪
♪ For you my life My love, my all ♪
♪ Each evening When the twilight's falling ♪
♪ I'll come home to you Calling ♪
BOTH: ♪ Boo-boo-boo-boo-boo ♪
♪ I'll croon ♪
♪ Boo-boo-boo ♪
♪ A little song About the moon ♪
[WHISTLING]
♪ And when I'm finished ♪
ALL: ♪ With my crooning ♪
♪ On my knees I'll fall ♪
♪ My life ♪ ♪ My love ♪
♪ My all ♪
[♪]�!�