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♪ Well, I'm running, police on my back ♪
♪ I've been hiding, police on my back ♪
♪ there was a shooting, police on my back ♪
♪ and the victim, well, he won't come back ♪
♪ I've been running Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday ♪
♪ Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday ♪
♪ running Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday ♪
♪ Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday ♪
Hey, hey, hey! If you're coming in for the morning grind,
it's another brutal Monday out there traffic-wise.
The 2 is slow-and-go to the 5.
A sig alert is bogging down the I-10.
And if you're on the 405 freeway,
you're probably already late for work.
Now, if your boss gives you a hard time about it,
you have him come down here and talk to... Rachel.
Oh, no.
Zing! Thanks, skip.
But, hey, speaking of bosses, after the break,
we get to meet three guys
who are chasing their dream of becoming their own bosses.
Stay with us.
And... We're out.
Very good, guys. We're back in 90 seconds.
Okay, we're out. Back in 90. Could've work a jacket, I guess,
but I think casual's probably better.
Jesus Christ. Dale, you got to stop sweating, pal.
Hey. Hey. Oh, wow. You are wet.
"Stop sweating." How do I stop sweating?
I mean, guys, this is a big deal.
I mean, we got everything riding on this,
all right? We've quit our jobs.
I have three children to think about now.
How about that, all right? Okay, well, think about this, okay?
You do a good job right now,
you're gonna make your little boys very proud.
Girls. I have three girls, dude. Hmm?
Oh, right. Well, I mean, so what? You can't even tell at that age.
They basically look like potatoes with arms. Don't call my kids potatoes, okay?
He's really freaking out. I feel like you guys should go on without me.
Can you guys go on without me? Well, I'm glad you said it.
Why don't you wait in the car, buddy? That's a lot of sweat.
Oh, come on, calm down, okay? You're making him more nervous.
Look, Dale, it's gonna be real easy, okay?
You just got to talk about you and Stacy having triplets.
People eat that shit up. You are the heart.
All we have to do is be ourselves.
Oh, let's not be ourselves. Ourselves is a dumpster fire.
Let's be better than ourselves.
Let's try to elevate a little bit.
That's a good note. Nobody be themselves. Good tip.
And we're back in 5, 4...
♪ It's time to get up, get up, get up ♪
♪ and get out, good morning ♪
And we're back.
You know, every week, we like to highlight
local inventors and entrepreneurs
in our big idea spotlight.
That's right, Mike, and today, we have three modern-day Edisons
who've created a new shower gadget
they hope to really clean up with.
Please... Welcome Nick, Kurt, and Dale.
Pleasure to be here. Now, um, before we get into the product,
can you tell us what is it that inspired three regular Joes
to go into business for yourselves?
Yeah, well, we were... We were all working
at pretty terrible jobs for some awful bosses.
And we just thought, well, if we ever got a chance
to be our own bosses that we'd do things differently.
And this might be our shot. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, so, we didn't think we'd ever get the chance,
but then our buddy Dale here had an amazing idea.
Don't go to Dale. Uh, yeah.
And, uh, you know, we just started, uh, meeting together
to talk about the invention
instead of complaining about our jobs.
Hey, I think that's exciting.
Well done. Dale, you know, I just want to know,
where did the idea come from
for a new shower... Head? I have three kids!
Uh, let me answer the question.
Um, Dale, uh, had just gotten back
from one of those self-service car washes, right,
with the wand with the soap and the wax?
Oh, yeah, it's got everything in the one thing.
Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. He simply thought,
"why don't they make one of these for your body?"
Yeah. Yeah, and after we had a few beers,
we came up with the, uh, shower buddy.
The "shower buddy"?
I-I'm sorry. That name's not official yet.
No, he's wrong. It is official.
I wanted "the shower daddy."
"Shower daddy" is worse on pretty much every level, so...
Yeah. I have to agree with Nick.
It's better than having some strange dude
in the shower with you. It's not some strange dude, Dale,
as I've said many, many times. It's your buddy!
Well, why would your buddy be in the shower with you?!
Why would your dad?! Uh-oh!
Don't scream on television.
Well, you know what? How about you fellas
show us how this little gizmo works?
Right? Let's get it going.
Yes. Make it rain. Yes! Work it, work it.
Oh, this is awesome!
So, Kurt's gonna go ahead and get in there,
and he's gonna turn on the shower.
You're gonna see the water come out.
After a little bit of time, the shampoo's gonna automatically
be triggered out of the showerhead, mix with the water...
No water. No water pressure. Use the blue handle.
No, there's no water pressure.
You know what, there's a pump on the back.
I could pump it up manually. Great.
Dale's gonna help out. Thank you, buddy.
Dale's gonna do it. Okay.
Pump... I got it. You got it? You do?
The water comes out, and the shampoo
then automatically mixes with the water.
Then shortly thereafter that, conditioner then comes in.
And then you shower in half the time with the shower buddy.
Effectively, yeah. The average American...
I don't know if you guys know this...
Spends about 50 hours a week working.
Hand's cramping up.
Here, let me help.
...commuting, and if we can save you just 5 minutes every...
There's not enough lube. The whole rod's too dry, right?
Yeah, spit on it. Spit on it.
There it is? Better? See, yeah.
If you lube it up, it's... it's better.
Oh, no, absolutely. We... we are, uh...
Oh, look, guys. I'm so sorry.
There's just a little hole in the back.
I'm gonna stick my finger in it,
plug it up, and then we're good to go.
Just get it done, right?
Whatever it takes. Live TV, right?
Live TV! You know, what are you gonna do?
Yeah! Here we go! Oh, here it comes!
It's a miracle!
Worked just as promised, okay?
Now, uh, go ahead and shut it off there, Kurt.
It's so cool. I want one. Yeah.
You want... You can't have this one.
It's the only one. It's the prototype.
But we're looking for partners to bring it to markets.
Well, you know what, I'll tell you right now. I'm sold. I want invest.
We got one! All right, Mike.
Now, how would I... how would I get in touch with you guys?
You go straight to Nick-hurt-Dale.
I'm sorry, what?
Dot-com. It's our website... Nickkurtdale.Com.
I'm positive I'm not hearing that right.
It's our names... Nick, Kurt, Dale.
Nick-Kurt-Dale.
Y'all... y'all got to change that name.
Boy, cannot believe we never said it out loud before.
It looked so good on paper.
Well, it was a nice dream while it lasted,
but I think it's time we all go beg for our jobs back.
Maybe just accept the fact that we'll always be
cogs in the machine, you know?
Wait. "Cocks in the machine"... What is that?
"Cogs." "Guh."
You know what? You're right. We're not...
We're not boss material. We're... we're worker bees.
We're grunts.
Oh, boy. That song... I can't hear that now.
Just put it on vibrate.
Will you stop? Please?
Come on. I picked this song to inspire us.
It's not inspiring me.
Ooh, look at this. Unknown caller.
Can you just answer it? Hello?
Yep, this is one of the shower buddy guys.
Mm-hmm. Really?
Yes. No, of course. I know exactly who you are.
Look up "Boulder stream." "Boulder stream."
Uh-huh. Well, thank you.
No, we're very proud of the product.
Yeah, if you just want to e-mail us the details,
that'll be fine. Is that a real thing?
Yeah, my e-mail? Not yours.
Yeah, it's phatballllz@hotmail.Com.
It's P-H-A-T b-A-L-L...
L-L...
Z.
@hotmail.Com. Yeah. All right. Thank you.
Yeah. No. See you tomorrow.
Wow. Holy shit.
Boulder stream loves the shower buddy.
Who the fuck is Boulder stream?
Only one of the largest catalogue retailers
in north America.
♪ You're gonna hear me roar ♪
Nice.
See, when you're in a good mood, it's a good song.
Bad mood, bad song. And that's art. That's good art.
Man, this place is legit!
Yeah, it's nice.
Did you see the free cookies? Mm-hmm. Mmm.
Yeah, you clearly have. That's, like, four of those.
You're gonna have chocolate all over your face. Oh, hey.
You know, you're gonna look like a kid. Hey, really quick, guys.
When we meet this guy, when you shake his hand,
use your other hand and touch his elbow.
It's a classy move. I don't know this move.
Just give him a nice, firm handshake.
Mm, that's nice! How about that?
That's real nice! It's really good, yeah.
Let me get ya here. No, no.
You got chocolate on your fingers. Now it's on my jacket.
I got ya. You put your crumbs on my leg. Put a little water on it.
I don't need water. That will set it.
Get the cookie away from me, please, Dale.
No, it's like a fire-on-fire thing.
No, the water will set it.
Ha! There they are!
There are my shower buddies. How are you? In the flesh.
It's just like on that morning show.
You're always fighting. I love it.
Oh. Yeah, it's...
Rex Hanson. Oh, hey.
Kurt Buckman, man. Good to see ya, Kurt.
Nice to see you, too. Well, that's a classy handshake.
Nick, pleasure. Yeah, yeah. Hey.
Dale Arb... uh, shoot. I just learned it.
We can do it whichever way you want, buddy.
Right?
Guys, why don't we grab the refreshments, the coffee,
grab some cookies if you want. Let's head upstairs
and talk about this product, all right? Is that corduroy?
Step inside.
Dreams do come true. Wow, wow.
You guys good? You want something to drink?
Yeah, I'll have one, yeah. Sure!
No, no. It's very early. No. Never mind.
No? No for us. Sorry. I'm gonna cut right to it, gentlemen.
The shower buddy... A home run.
Well, Mr. Hanson, we... We couldn't be happier...
Mr. Hanson is my father. It's Rex.
Please, sit down. Get comfortable. Take a seat. Great. Okay. Thank you.
Uh, we want you to know that... That we are a company
you can be very proud to be in business with.
You know, our workers are all gonna have healthcare.
They're gonna be profit-sharing.
Yeah, okay, I don't really give a shit about that.
Do you see this? This is Jimi Hendrix's actual guitar.
Yeah! The one he did the fire and the fingers thing with.
You guys like cool shit like this?
Oh, yeah, yeah, we love cool shit. Oh, yeah. I'm into cool shit.
I knew ya did! You get into business with me,
you're gonna have fucking loads of it!
And, so, you are offering to carry our product,
not only as a... Wait a minute. Check this out.
Miss Lang, will you come in here a moment, please?
Now what?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Sweetheart, we were racking our brains.
What... what's a beer can made out of?
Do you mean aluminium?
That'll be all, miss Lang. Thank you. Okay.
And where does she go now?
Now, that is the kind of cool shit
you have to look forward to.
Look, the best part about this whole deal...
You're not even gonna have to lift a finger.
My company will assume all future product development,
outsource manufacturing to China,
and you gents will receive
a handsome one-time development fee.
I want to dig in on the one-time fee thing, because, you know...
You see this football?
This is the one where Peyton Manning threw it
and the guy caught it in the back of his helmet. Keep it.
Oh. You know, uh, Rex, the ...the one-time fee thing...
We're not looking to give up control of the company.
In fact... right. No, we want to handle all the manufacturing,
and you guys do distribution.
What... you manufacture? Here, in America?
That's the plan. Yeah, we're trying to do the whole American-dream thing.
Boys, I hate to break it to you,
but the American dream, it's made in China.
Now, look, I respect your naiveté,
uh, but I'm afraid that this deal only happens one way.
I did say "handsome" fee, right?
Can I have one minute? Just love to talk to my partners.
You got it. Take your time. I'll be over here.
Oh, boy. Yeah. What do you guys think?
I didn't want to say anything,
but I think he means Eli Manning and not Peyton Manning.
You know? Yeah. Maybe. Maybe... Kurt.
I think she has she has an amazing fucking body,
but that accent puts her over the top. I mean, it's insane.
Right. Agreed on both points. How about the deal?
The deal, yeah, it's sweet, man. We got to take it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We should take it.
We should take the money and get the hell out of here.
Cool shit. He's got cool shit everywhere. Yeah.
Can you imagine having your own cool shit?
But... But look at this place.
I mean, these guys make loads of money selling stuff,
and he just called our shower buddy a home run.
I don't know why we'd sell a home run for a one-time fee.
That's a good point. I don't know. I mean,
I could really use the money for Stacy and the girls.
That's a good point. Yeah, that's true. I could use money.
Yeah, I-I get that. But maybe it's not just about the money. That's a good point.
Maybe it's about never having to work for anybody ever again,
that's right. Right? Being our own bosses.
I say we bet on ourselves. Me, too.
You're right. I'm in.
I'm in. Let's do it.
Okay. Rex.
Yeah. Uh, no deal.
Sorry. Yeah, we're, uh... we're betting on ourselves.
Is that right? Yeah, and no hard feelings.
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Honestly, we really appreciate the offer.
Sorry. Yeah. I can respect that.
Takes some serious balls to walk away from three million bucks.
What did he say? What did he say? Hang on. Three million dollars? We'll take that.
Sorry. Offer's off the table.
We'll take half! Half is fine! Can we have half?! Well...
Ship's sailed. Thank you so much for coming in.
Dale, I'm gonna need that ball back.
Good luck building something in America.
You know...
I built this company from the bottom up here in America.
Dad, I-I didn't know you were back. How was your... how was your trip?
What'd I tell you about using my office while I'm away?
I know. I just... I just thought...
Bert Hanson. You're the shower buddy guys?
Yes, sir. Yeah, yeah. We are, sir.
I respect you gentlemen
for wanting to roll up your sleeves
and build something, stake your claim.
Now, I came to this country with nothing.
And through risk and hard work,
I made my own American dream come true.
Mm. Good for you.
Well, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'll refer you to my contact at pacific shore national.
That's a bank. They won't balk at giving you a start-up loan
once they hear that Bert Hanson just has placed
an initial order of, say, um...
...100,000 units?
100,000 shower buddies? Wha...
You're gonna make 100,000 shower buddies?!
Dad, what are you talking about? We never make this kind of deal.
Sorry, sir.
But Boulder stream needs to be your exclusive retailer.
Um, well, let's think it over.
Yes. No. We won't pick up the phone if anyone calls! No, of course.
We have a deal?
Yeah, you got a fucking deal!
Hey, all right! There it is.
I got his elbow!
Oh, I got some chocolate on you there.
It doesn't matter.
That's great.
That is good news!
So, it's 20,000 square feet,
but it's a minimum five-year lease.
20,000. That sounds like a whole lot more than we need, you know?
But we want something we can grow into, right?
And we have a really big order, Nick.
Damn straight. Come on, Nick.
Nick... I-I don't know. I mean,
I say that, uh... You know, I say we take it.
Yes. Yes, we do.
Excellent. ♪ Return of the mack, get up ♪
♪ what it is, what it does, what it is, what it isn't ♪
♪ looking for a better way to get up out of bed instead of ♪
♪ getting on the Internet and checking a new hit-me, get up ♪
♪ thrift shop, pimp-strut walking ♪
♪ little bit of humble, little bit of cautious ♪
♪ somewhere between like rocky and Cosby ♪
♪ sweater gang, nope, nope, y'all can't copy ♪
♪ yep, bad moonwalking ♪
♪ and this here is our party ♪
♪ like the ceiling can't hold us ♪
♪ can we go back, this is the moment ♪
♪ tonight is the night, we'll fight till it's over ♪
♪ so we put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us ♪
♪ like the ceiling can't hold us ♪
You've got no work experience at all.
Is that bad?
Are you kidding? Nah, it's great.
You're enthusiastic, and you're unjaded.
And unqualified. You know what?
You're hired. Oops.
Really?
That was unexpected and, uh, u-undeserving.
You're hired.
Sí?
That's a yes. That's an obvious yes.
Ai, gracias!
Gracias!
Well, again...
No résumé at all. ...You know, not much...
You don't need it. Your eyes speak for yourself.
You seem honest. Hold on, pal.
Um... You're hired.
Really? Well...
I mean, if you'll have us. Thank you.
Says here you've been convicted of a felony.
That was bullshit.
Word up, though. I get that, man.
Like I had... I had a similar thing, you know,
they tried to peg me as, like, a child sex offender.
It was total bullshit.
Oh, whoa, yo, yo.
I ain't down with no kid fuckers.
I'm not down with kid shit, either.
Yeah, none of us are. Nobody agrees with that.
You know, man? "N" to the "O," brother.
We do not support that at all.
But, you know, let's just give the guy a job. Oh.
It's just... yeah, I-I don't want to upset this guy.
Well, tell you what, Tiffany.
You're hired! I'm hired?
Yeah, you are!
There you go! Oh, thank you!
Whoo-hoo-hoo! All right, we'll see you later, okay?
See you Monday. Get out of here, all right?
Kurt, you got to stop hiring hot, unqualified women. Come on.
What's the point of being the boss if you can't stock the pond a little?
You do realize you can't sleep with these women, right? What's he talking about?
He's talking about you're the boss. It's called sexual harassment.
Yeah, remember sexual harassment? I tried to kill my boss.
Ring a bell? So what? I got to fire them all now? We just hired them.
Oh, you can't fire them. No, you can't fire them just because you're not allowed
to sleep with them. That's also sexual harassment.
Why are we even doing this, then?!
♪ Can we go back, this is the moment ♪
♪ tonight is the night, we'll fight till it's over ♪
♪ so we put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us ♪
Oh, boy. This is it.
Here we go. Here we go. ♪ Like the ceiling can't hold us ♪
♪ can we go back, this is the moment ♪
♪ tonight is the night, we'll fight till it's over ♪
♪ so we put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us ♪
♪ like the ceiling can't hold us ♪
We did it. We're at 100,000.
We did it? Yeah.
Let me see. Ohh. ♪ Like the ceiling can't hold us ♪
This is a great idea!
How do you think they mow this thing?
Hey, are you guys sure we shouldn't have called ahead?
No! He's gonna love it. But the cake and the balloons...
You don't think that's overdoing it, huh?
I don't think so. No. I think he's gonna be psyched
that the order's done three days early.
That's true. I think he's gonna be, like, flipping out
to see us out on his course.
Hey, you know what? I wouldn't be surprised
if he gives us a membership to this place.
Are you serious?! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God. I want that!
Ohh! Hey.
Surprise! Whoo-hoo!
Sir, we have finished your order in full,
and it is ready to be shipped.
Excellent news.
And we got you a little cake that says,
"thanks for believing in us!"
And some balloons, of course. We're the "us."
Congratulations, boys. What an accomplishment.
Thank you. Thanks.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cancel that order.
What'd he say?
It sounded like he said "cancel the order."
You say "cancel"? I'm sorry,
cancel what? Cancel the order.
Don't need it.
Wait, no. That doesn't work.
Sir, sir, sir... No, no. No. You can't do that, though.
...we went 500 grand in the hole. We were in business with each other.
And if you don't buy, we are ruined.
We were in business with each other.
He's gonna putt. He's just gonna putt out.
And he makes the putt. Wow. Congratulations. Can you please explain to us what's happening
and why you're doing this?
Yeah, sure. Fair question.
You see, boys, in one week, your bridge loan comes due.
And you, of course, won't be able to pay it.
And your loan officer has assured me
no extension will be granted.
At that moment, your company will go into foreclosure,
and I will buy all of those units
at auction for pennies on the dollar,
even cheaper than I could have gotten them from the Chinese.
Oh, my fucking God! I can't believe this.
Anyway, as an added bonus, I will also own your patent,
and these gentlemen here will take over manufacturing
of our new product... The shower pal.
It's a better name, too. It is a better name.
God damn it. Fucking hell.
Oh, dad, that is a hell of a fucking play.
We should fit these guys for crowns,
'cause they just got fucked royally.
Rex, no call for this MTV showboating.
They're aware of their defeat.
In these moments, it's more impactful to be still.
What about all that stuff about hard work
and starting a company in America? Yeah! Yeah, sir.
The American dream and hard work. Is that all bullshit?
You honestly think hard work creates wealth?
The only thing that creates wealth is wealth.
And we have it. You don't.
Okay. Okay. You know what?
Take it easy.
I got it. I got it.
Hey, listen, bucko.
You don't want to make enemies out of us, okay?
Whoa, easy. I didn't walk all up on you.
I make new enemies every day. It's called business.
Thank you, gentlemen, for stopping by.
Have a lovely day.
Rex, get the cake.
Rich motherfucking
over-privileged fucking assholes!
What happened to decency?!
Do you realize I'm gonna lose my house? Yeah.
You know, Stacy's gonna divorce me. She's gonna marry some dude. Yes, she is.
I'm gonna have supervised visits at a McDonald's.
Fucking McDonald's! What were we thinking?
Who bets on themselves? Why the fuck did we do that?
What? You fucking do! You're the one who talked me into it!
I was on the fence! I had the idea.
You were almost on my side. Oh, we're fucked!
Our employees are fucked! What about them?! What about Lupe?! Yeah. Okay. Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay. Hey, you know what? This is just a problem.
That means all we got to do is come up with a solution, right?
You know what we would do?
We would put some ideas up on the board, right?
That's what I'm talking about. Here we go! Here we go! Here we go, boys!
No idea's a bad idea! No bad ideas. No idea's a bad idea!
Who's gonna start us off? I got it!
Kurt! Let's kill these motherfuckers!
No, no. Murder! Yes!
M-u-r-d-e-r. You don't need to write that down. Hey.
Kill them! We kill them. We shoot them! Let's fucking kill them!
No. Kill them! I want them dead!
No. I want them dead!
Neck snap! I want them dead!
Hey! Enough!
If we've learned one thing about ourselves,
it's that we're not murderers.
Besides, how does killing them get us our money back?
What do you mean? There's ways.
You harvest their organs, sell them on the black market. Boom! Be fucking serious.
Let's... come on. This is not helpful. Think seriously.
Okay, fine. You're right. You're right.
There's other things people have done.
There's plots. Yeah, for money, for money, for money.
There's the plot of the movie "speed."
Yes! There you go! Put a bomb on a bus.
Great idea. So what we'll do is we'll rig a bus
so that when it goes below 50 Miles an hour,
it blows up. What the fuck is that?
You said no idea was a bad idea! I'm just coming up with something.
I was wrong. That idea sucks, the movie sucks, and so do you.
Hey! That is the movie that introduced us to Sandy bullock.
Fuck you! I love Sandra bullock!
All right, I'm running hot. You're right.
I'm sorry. I'm running hot. I'm just... you know,
the whole fucking thing's got me upset. I'm sorry.
Give me the marker back, and I'll come up with a better idea.
You want the marker back? Give me $500,000, 'cause that's what we need.
What, you're gonna hold the marker ransom?
Call it what you want. I need a half a million dollars.
I don't need shit ideas and a bunch of hot air.
Come on.
Dale!
Boom! Marker drop.
"Kidnaping."
That's "kidnapping."
With one more "P" it is. That's "kid-nape-ing."
Well, however the fuck you spell it. You know what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about kidnapping. Come on.
Wait a second. Wait a second. Dude, that's a fucking great idea!
Think about it. Okay, first of all, we kidnap Rex. Right?
Right, yeah. Yeah, the ransom money. We get money from Bert. We save the business.
What do you know about executing a kidnapping?
What do you mean? You just...
You get zip... zip... Zip ties.
You don't know shit about kidnapping.
Okay, we don't know a ton. We don't know a ton, all right?
But I bet we know someone that does.
Who? Motherfucker Jones.
Oh, Jesus. Come on, look. It'd be great to see him.
Wouldn't it be good to see him? Come on. Please. Please. Please. Come on.
We're not gonna go see motherfucker Jones,
because we're not gonna "kid-nape" anyone.
Come on, this guy's a master business prick.
He's at the top of his game. We need to figure out...
Boy, look what we got.
Is that a sharpie? Well, hang on.
What was a sharpie doing on there in the first place?
You put it on there. I did put it on there.
Permanently on the board now.
This illustrates my point, idiots.
We need to find somebody who's legitimate.
We need to find someone who can get us our company back.
Hello, Nick.
Guy who saved my life.
Guy who fucked my wife.
Ah, it was a blow job. It was a blow job, only.
Didn't fuck her.
You got my e-mail?
I did.
And I was very amused by it.
I know Bert Hanson.
I like the cut of his jib. And I do admire
the way he bent you three idiots over a barrel
and showed you the 50 states.
Ah. See? Told you it was a saying. Wow.
Now, Nick, just... Just tell me something.
Why would you start production
without at least a guarantee of 35% down
to cover manufacturing costs?
I mean, why would you do that?
Is he telling a joke? Is something funny?
Uh, we assumed that we were dealing with somebody who was ethical...
No, that's the wrong answer.
The right answer is because...
You're all fucking morons!
Boy, he shined a light on that, didn't he?
Yeah. I think... that's true. You're right. You're absolutely right.
You thought I was such a bad boss. But, I don't know,
I think maybe running your own company into the ground
and ruining the livelihood of your employees
is maybe a bit worse. What do you think, Nick?
I think that's fair. Should I be on the phone if I'm taking notes?
No, we got it. We got it here. I mean, I'm not getting any of what he's saying.
It's all right. It's just a lot of, you know, rhetorical questions.
Okay, I'll just try to get his reactions.
So, what do you want from me, Nick?
With all due respect, you know what makes a guy like that tick.
So if you could give us some advice
on how to get our money back, I will play real nice
at your next parole hearing. How does that sound?
You would do that for me? Yes, I would.
Okay. I think I can help you.
He's helping. He's gonna help? Okay, I got a notepad.
I got a notepad! From a legal standpoint...
"Legal standpoint." "Legal standpoint."
...your options are...
"Options are." "Legal options."
...Jack...
Fucking... Shit.
I heard "Jack Leibowitz." Is that an attorney? Got to be.
I'm gonna write that down. "Jack Leibowitz."
Can we get his contact info, please? Do you have his contact info?
Even if you had the money to fight him in the courts,
his lawyers are just gonna file motions and continuances
long after you three piss-ant little fuck-ups
have blown your tiny, little brains out.
Are you saying nothing can be done?
No, I didn't say that. I said there's nothing you can do.
There's plenty that could be done, but you won't do it.
And do you want to know why?
No, not really. Because you have no balls!
I see. Okay.
And your fathers had no balls!
You are all the product of generations of ball-less men
who were either too weak or too frightened
to stand up and take what was theirs.
And one day, you will pass on your empty, shriveled sacs
to your own pitiful offspring!
I can't hear a goddamn thing.
What is he talking about? Our... our nut sacs, mostly.
Well, how did that come up? Why don't you pitch him the kidnapping?
No, let the kidnapping go, all right? Pitch him the kidnapping.
Grow some balls, all right?
You want to see some balls, Kurt? Yeah.
Then kidnap someone. You'll end up in here.
You'll see plenty of balls on your forehead.
Mm. Why are they on my forehead?
Was the dick on top of my head? That makes no sense.
Oh, I'm upside down.
You sure are. Your face is getting fucked.
Motherfucker.
♪ Every day I'm hustling, hustling ♪
♪ who the fuck you think you fucking with? ♪
♪ I'm the fucking boss ♪
♪ 745, white-on-white, that's fucking Ross ♪
Mm-hmm.
So, y'all planning to use the ransom to save your business?
Exactly, yeah. That's it. Yeah, that's what we're hoping.
You tell these idiots how stupid that is, please?
I like it.
Nice. Man, see? Yeah! I knew he'd like it. Told you.
I appreciate the fact that you're doing
whatever you need to do to keep your business going.
Yes. I had a dream for a long time to get my own business.
Yeah. I wanted to open my own... Pinkberry.
What the fuck is the chuckles about?
Oh, I thought you were joking.
You ain't seen how many crackers line up outside to get that
captain-crunch-covered freezing-ass shit?
I probably eat it three times a week. I love Pinkberry. That's a great dream!
Hey, man. That's awesome. I didn't know that about you.
All I know, if somebody were to take my Pinkberry,
I wouldn't take that sitting down.
Mm-hmm. You would fight for that Pinkberry.
I would cut a motherfucker in half.
Tell you what you wouldn't do. You wouldn't kidnap someone...
Yes, you would...'Cause you can't successfully pull it off.
That's not true! Name me a kidnapping movie
where the kidnappers weren't dead or incarcerated at the end.
"Nine to five," asshole. "Nine to five."
"Nine to five." Name me two. Name me two movies, then.
You said name one. Well, that's a comedy.
You said name one. Bam. I nailed one right on you.
"Nine to five" was this movie...
I know what the fuck "nine to five" is.
It's about the white bitch with the big-ass titties.
That's the one, yeah. She got old. The titties stayed young.
Guys, I'm not gonna kidnap someone based on "nine to five."
That's because you Jane Fonda. Ooh, snap.
That's right. You're the scaredy-cat one.
You're always the last to man up about everything.
You're dragging your feet. Can I pose a question to you colonizers?
Happened a long time ago.
How do you kidnap somebody without them knowing...
They've been kidnapped?
Okay.
You smarten up, and you don't even do it.
Hey, man, no. He's a black sphinx. I like this.
Yeah, he threw a riddle our way.
Okay, how do you... I can give you the answers.
$50,000.
No. Ohh.
We can't. $600?
You should not run a Pinkberry. I'm sorry.
I mean, that's just the weirdest negotiating style. We don't have any money.
You know, we're here 'cause we have zero dollars. We're broke. That's true.
Fuck it. Give me the watch.
Nope. Give him your watch.
I'm not giving him this. It's a fucking TAG Heuer.
And this is a wrist without a watch.
Come on, Nick. Give him... It's just material things.
Can't take it with you, right?
You can borrow it while you tell us a shitty plan.
All right.
Slip him a Mickey.
Give me the watch back.
You sneak into his crib late at night.
You find out whatever his beverage of choice is
before he goes to bed. You slip the Mickey in the beverage,
knock him out nice and easy,
and you keep that bitch sedated until daddy pays up.
Wait a second. That could work.
That's great. That makes total sense.
Yeah, right, 'cause he doesn't, like, see our faces or hear our voices.
We're ghosts. No, we don't even exist.
When you're saying "Mickey," you're talking about...
It's like a date rape drug, okay? Motherfucker, where do you get those?
Where do I get them?! Uh, yeah.
You think just because of the hue of my skin
that I know where to get date rape drugs?
You brought up the date raping! What are you doing, Dale?
You got "N" word in your eyes.
Why are your eyes saying the "N" word?!
Klan eyes. You've got Klan eyes.
You ever take a eye test? He does.
Yes! All you pick out is the "K."
I can see every letter on there! He does have Klan eyes.
You can see them poking out behind that sheet.
Oh, it's just ridic... I can't... I mean, I'm not even gonna...
So, let me ask you a question. When you got raped by Julia,
what did she use to knock you out, laughing gas?
Why are we... Oh, right.
That'll work. That's pretty interesting.
Yeah. Do you still have keys to the, uh, office?
No, but I know the code, probably.
Yes! Okay. You did it again.
That's pretty interesting. Look, for the record, I am not racist.
You're the best in the biz. Thank you very much.
Okay, good... good to see you, man. Come on. Let's go. We'll see you.
Surprisingly helpful.
Any way I can get the watch back?
Fuck out of here, Jane Fonda.
God, that's a tough one.
And you can't fuck all three, right?
You cannot. Not the game. Okay.
Well, then, I would marry Peter,
kill Bobby, and fuck Greg. That's what I'd do, too.
Yeah? I think that's the only way to play it. Yeah.
It makes sense. Yeah.
How'd you do? Okay. I did great.
I actually got a couple extra supplies,
'cause I think we got to be more careful this time around.
You know what I mean? Absolutely. No, good call.
I got a magazine to cut up the ransom note.
So smart. Can't be writing it by hand!
So smart. Bride again magazine?
Yeah, that's to throw the cops off if they, you know, start snooping around
and they try to figure out where the letters came from.
"Dora the explorer" walkie-talkies? Awesome.
Well, it's not a spy store. It's a convenience store.
It's the only kind of walkie-talkies ...didn't want to just use our phones?
Oh, let's just use our phones that make a record of everything
that we say and do and where we are all the time! What?
Do you watch the fucking news?
"Hey, Obama, I'm... I'm breaking into my old office!"
It's just the three of us doing this,
not us and the NSA, you dipshit.
I'm trying to help us out so we don't, you know, do dumb shit this time.
Did you get scissors? I got some scissors, yeah.
I don't see any latex gloves in here.
They're, like, super expensive. I didn't want to...
How much? 9 bucks a pair.
That's ridiculous. Right? It's too much.
Come on. Go in. It's the only thing you went in there to buy. Go get it.
She's got a ton of latex gloves in her office!
We'll just use those. Good point. We'll use the ones inside.
You need them to get inside, so we don't leave fingerprints.
Fuck. That's right. You fucking dummy. Don't you know that?
I'm trying to... it's just such a rip-off. Hey, you know what we can do?
We can use my golf gloves I got in my bag.
He's got gloves in his golf bag, all right?
Great. We'll do that, then. Don't poke holes in everything, 'cause I'm trying to help out.
Okay. Guys, the team's back together!
Whoo! I call lookout,
and I will let you know if I see swiper.
Nice!
Let's go.
How we doing in there, guys?
Oh, shit. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
We're all good in here. How are things looking out there, Nick?
Things are good.
Hey, can you not say my name over the radio, please?
Why not?
Could be somebody on the frequency.
Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Smart. Very smart. Smart, smart.
There you go. That's using the old Hendricks brain.
And there's the last name.
Hey, you know what? What?
We should come up with code names. Absolutely.
Hey, Nick, where you landing on code names?
Boy, I'd love it if you'd stop saying my name.
Can you just get the gas and get out here?
Roger that.
"The blade" has acquired the target.
Was that "the blade"?
Mm-hmm. That's my code name, Nick.
We don't need code names. Everybody knows who's talking.
I think they're sounding pretty cool, though,
so let's try to land on a couple.
I'm gonna think up one real quick,
and I'm gonna lay it on you.
Uh... I'm coming in at you with "the majestic lion."
I'm gonna be "the majestic lion."
Now we're talking. Not gonna call you that.
That's a bummer there. I'm gonna need a reason as to why.
'Cause you're not a jungle cat, and it's stupid as shit.
Ah, fair point, fair point. Good catch.
Uh, we should come up with one for him.
Oh, how about "St. Nick" for you?
Hey, you've said my name like four fucking times now.
If you could just come back out to the car, guys,
we can go home.
Oh, hey, you know what? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Somebody's here. Somebody's here.
...drop "the lion" and just "the majestic"?
I drop the "the" part, right? I love that. I like that. That's what I like.
Shut up about the code names.
A bunch of people just pulled up into the parking lot.
Uh, hello! Get your thumb off the butt...
Yeah, you're right. It's too much.
♪ Hey ♪
♪ hey ♪ oh, my God.
♪ Ev-everybody love me, everybody love me ♪
Real hot chick just pulled into Julia's parking spot.
I think Julia's headed into the building.
If you'd get your thumb off the fucking button and...
Ah, fuck. Fucking idiots.
Well, you know what? It's not my fault.
It's not my goddamn fault.
I haven't done a thing illegal. I can just drive out of here.
I can just drive right home.
No, I can't do that. I can't do that.
They'll just fucking tell on me.
All right, we're on our way to you.
The chickens have left the pot. My God, my God.
The Coop, I think. What?
Wait, the "my God, my God" does sound like a thing.
I know it does. Oh! Oh, shit!
Why don't you set the food up over there,
and then we'll just circle these chairs around?
Dale!
Kurt!
Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-caw!
God, grant us...
Oh, shit. It's a cult. It's a fucking cult!
...about our sex addiction that we cannot change...
Sex addiction? It's a sex addiction. Yeah.
Neat!
So proud of you, each and every one of you,
for being here today.
Shit!
How's it going?
Hi. It's going, uh...
...you know.
I'm in trouble.
Save it.
Okay.
...something that happened to them this week.
Found this gentleman loitering out in your hall.
Oh, shit! Nick got busted!
Says he knows he's in trouble.
Yeah.
We're all in trouble.
You don't have to be afraid. You're safe here.
Okay.
Sorry I'm late.
'Sup, brother?
Toby, why don't you grab a chair and bring it into the circle
so this young man can join us?
Yeah, um...
Boy, uh...
What's your name, honey?
I am, um...
I am Blanston.
Hi, Blanston.
Hi.
Well, it's nice to have some fresh blood in the group.
Appreciate it.
Fresh, cute blood.
Hey. Easy, Julia.
Blanston, would you like to share with us
what's led you into recovery?
Uh, well, okay.
I-I do have a very big... Problem.
Mm.
Just been hitting it hard. I've been hitting it hard.
He thinks he's in an AA meeting.
Getting together with the guys.
Oftentimes, ending up just face down.
Chugging one after the other, sometimes double fisted.
Just "gah, gah, gah," you know?
You know what I'm talking about.
So, your sexual addiction,
it's... it's homosexual in nature?
My sex addiction? My sex addiction is, um...
And then what did you say?
You like to fuck guys. No.
My sex addiction is to ladies.
Oh. You know, I'm addicted to women.
Boring.
Quiet!
What is... She's coming! Hide!
But there was once, though. There was once... oh, boy.
If I could just... If this is safe in here,
I'd love to shake this out and share it.
Something must've happened. Don't fall on me.
Don't worry. I took a parkour class at the community center.
Oh, he got her... He got her to go back.
Uh, I was a boy.
How old were you? I don't know. Young.
14, maybe? I think we were.
Two 14-year-old boys at camp,
and not knowing what we're doing,
and just...
Wrestling.
Ooh, wrestling camp.
14.
Nice.
Is he telling the truth?
I-I don't know. But, I mean, if he is...
Good for him, right? Absolutely. That's great.
Did you guys wear those, um, tight, little onesies?
Singlets? Is that what they're called?
That's right. Singlets.
Tight, little spandex offering a clear, little outline
of, say, a circumcised helmet?
Oh, boy. Am I getting warm?
Okay, uh, maybe someone else should share.
No, no, no. Let's go to the unit. Sorry?
What was the unit like on this little b...
Was it veiny? Smooth?
Little turtleneck. Anteater.
I just... I don't know. Pretty normal.
It's, like, good to have a gay friend in your group, too, you know?
Absolutely. Yeah, I know. It is. It makes us more colorful. Yeah.
Now, did this penis ever, a-at any point,
find its way into your mouth? Jesus.
Julia, no. You're not gonna pull this stunt again.
What stunt is that? Stopping a meeting early so she can try to flip another gay.
Really? She always wants what she can't have.
Listen, relax, okay? He's not even gay. He had one cock when he was 14,
and it hasn't even made its way into his mouth yet. Well, if you'd let me finish...
So you did eat that cock. You're asking if I sucked it?
I know you sucked it. I just want to hear you say it.
Okay, Blanston, you don't have to say it.
Roz, shut your mouth, please. Yeah, shut up and let him share!
So you ate it? Please say yes. Please say yes.
You want to know if I ate that dick?
Did you suck that cock like a bomb pop down to the blue?
You want the answer? Give it to me, Blanston.
I ate that dick, I ate those balls,
and I licked that kid's sweaty asshole!
Damn right, you did, because you are awesomely gay! That's right.
I am super gay! Never been straight!
You know what else I've never been? Inside a woman.
Meeting adjourned. Everybody out.
Son of a bitch.
Come on! Hurry it up.
Hurry it up! Come on! See you later. Bye-bye. That's it.
Okay, Julia, you are letting the addiction win.
Oh, fuck you, Roz. No one likes you anyway.
Okay.
Mm. Let's get you prepped for a fill 'n drill.
Let's do it. You ever done it in a dentist's chair?
No, no, I've always wanted to nail my dentist,
but he's... he's a man.
Oh, I'm gonna make you forget all about him.
Hey, why... why don't you go get the chair ready?
I'm just gonna visit the men's room real quick, okay?
Oh, you can do that on me.
Oh, uh... well, it's, uh... It's, uh...
And...?
Mm, well, uh, first time on the slopes,
so I'm gonna stay off the black diamond.
Either way.
You guys are so noisy! Let's go!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Congrats, dude. I'm so proud of you for coming out.
I'm not gay. Come on, now. I'll be right out, okay?
What... come on!
I just think it will be a little suspicious if I disappear,
so I'm gonna complete the diversion.
No, we got to go! I thought you were gay!
I'm not gay. Go on, go on. I'll be right out!
Oh, oh. I get it. You're bi.
I'm not bi.
Not bi?
Do you have, uh, an "S"?
"S." Yeah, I need an "S."
How's that?
Uh, do you have a scarier "S" than that, or...?
Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a... oh, here.
This is from an article about bridezillas.
Yeah, that'll do it.
Okay, uh, can I read you what I've got right now?
Yeah. Yeah, sure. Okay.
"Give us the $500,000,
or the little boy dies!"
"You have 24 hours-s-s-s."
Shit. I wish you were there to read it to him.
That sounds scary as hell in that voice.
Well, that's why I wanted the scary letters, you know,
so hopefully he... You know,
he's hearing a voice like that when he reads it. Oh. Oh, that you would hope. Yeah.
God, I tell you what. I hope this doesn't sound cocky.
I think we're really good at this.
We're extremely good at it. Yeah.
And I didn't want to say anything, either,
but, like, way better than murder. Oh, my God. A lot better than murder.
You know, it's like we kind of found our groove.
This is fun. It is kind of fun.
Like, it's like... and nobody gets hurt or anything.
I always wanted to make a ransom note like this.
Oh, here we go. Here we go. All here! Let's go.
Oh! Son of a bitch.
I knew I should have been gluing them as I went along.
Oi-oi-oi.
Hey. Hey. Talk to me. How was it?
It was like something I-I've just never encountered.
What, a-a woman?
I mean, she's so free. She's so eloquent with her body.
I mean, all of that... All of that sexual energy,
it flows from this place of deep tenderness, you know?
It's called her vagina, Nick.
Please don't talk like that, you guys.
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
Golly, listen to this guy. He's being so protective.
I know. You're talking like you fell in love with her.
What... are you in love with her, Nick?
No, Dale. That was a real long pause right there, buddy.
That was a fucking moment of silence. That was a real long pause right there.
I'm not in love with her. That's ridiculous. That's what we don't need.
I don't need you... she gave me a very rich and positive experience.
Oh, yeah? Better than wrestling camp?
Oh, boy.
Nice house.
Eh, well, he's doing well.
Good for him.
All right, let's discuss our options, huh? Breathe, and go!
Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Guys, you can't just park right in front of the guy's house.
Wait. You want to carry a giant unconscious dude down the street?
He's gonna be way too heavy. Come on! Let's move. Come on.
That's a good point. Good point.
Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't just walk up to the guy's front door. Shh!
Will you calm down? We have a plan.
We have a plan! Just relax.
Oh, do you? That's great.
That makes me feel a lot better.
Okay, you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
Watch this. Go.
Ah, fuck.
Fuck. It's a bust. It's locked.
The plan did not account for a locked door?
Well... Well, I mean, it's a 50/50 chance it's gonna be open, right?
How do you figure that?
It's either locked or unlocked. Yeah. 50/50. Yeah.
It's like basic math. What's up with you tonight? Hmm.
Give me your credit card. Yeah. Credit card. Credit card. Good. All right.
Plan B’s got a credit card in it?
Come on. Your plan sucks.
Your math sucks. That's what's going on there.
Wait. Shit. What if he's in there?
Oh, yeah. How do we make sure he's not?
I don't know. Why don't you guys ring the doorbell while you're hot?
I love it. Smart. No. Don't. Don't, Kurt!
Oh, shit! Are you kidding?
You know, it's pretty dark in there. I don't think anybody's here.
Don't... don't hit it again!
You hear that?
I know that song. Huh?
What is that? It's a song, right? Is it...
Yeah. What song is that? ♪ No matter what you do ♪
No, no.
♪ I will always be with you ♪
Who sings that? Badfinger.
♪ No matter what you do, girl ♪
Quiet!
♪ Ooh, girl ♪
♪ with you ♪ you nailed it.
♪ Knock on this old gray wall ♪
Shut the fuck up!
Shh. Shh. Hey, you're yelling.
Hey. You're yelling.
Do me a favor. Hurry up.
Fail to open up the front door
so we can get the fuck out of here.
Ah, fuck. Oh!
What's "fuck"? What happened?
We got a problem. Hang on.
Yeah, see? Right there?
Yep. God damn it.
There it is, just staring back at us.
Okay, what now?
I guess we follow your idea,
and we get the heck out of here.
Yeah, we got to go. No, no.
Hey, hey, hey! My credit card is in there.
Yeah, I know. Just call them and cancel it. It'll be fine.
Yeah. They'll send you a new one like overnight. Yeah. Like that.
No, no, no. When they find the card,
they're gonna know that we were here.
It's pretty simple. Oh, shit.
Well, technically, they're gonna know you were here.
Go, go! Car! Car!
Is that his wife?
No. That's a '93 civic,
and she's carrying dry cleaning.
I'm gonna go with a maid.
He married his maid?
Nice.
Mr. Rex! Are you home?!
It me, Kim song!
I pick up your dry cleaning!
Okay, I got it!
Wow. He's got good taste.
It's bent, God damn it.
Nice, clean lines. Little pops of color.
Let's go.
Go? What?
Hey, we just got inside. Let's stay.
Yeah, so did she. Let's get the fuck out of here.
What, are you quitting on the plan, dude?
Back in! Back in! Back in! Back in! He's here,
why? Who's here?
Mr. Rex.
Shit!
Kim?!
You here?!
Hey, Kim. You got my shirts?
Yes, Mr. Rex. I go hang up now.
Great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Kim. Kimbo.
Take a look at this for me.
Will you tell me what you see?
Uh... Are you gonna leave this mess
in the bottom of my sink?
The... Water?
Yes. The little water droplets all over the bottom of my sink.
I don't know what thatched hut you grew up in,
but this is disgusting.
But it... It just water.
Okay. Okay.
Then you just fire.
Mm-hmm. You lose your job.
Too bad for you.
Bye-bye!
Look at you!
I got you again!
Look at that little chubby face!
What, did you think I was gonna fire you
on your fucking birthday?
Are you out of your mind, Mrs. Miyagi?
Get over here.
Come here, you. Happy Birthday!
Hold on one sec. Hey.
Yeah. No, no, no. I'm just trying to make my maid's day.
It's her birthday. Huh?
Hey, Kim. Seriously, though...
Can we keep a dry sink from here on in?
Yes, Mr. Rex.
What's up?
No, fuck that, man.
Kim.
Ohh!
Dude, I'm trying.
My dad is being a total dick about the money.
What's she doing?
Oh, my God. What is she doing?!
Oh, my God. Kurt, Kurt, Kurt.
What? What? What?
Oh, shit. That's my thing!
She's doing my thing!
I can't believe she's fucking doing that!
She's not going in deep enough.
What a rookie.
Okay, there she goes. Okay. All right.
Kimchi!
There he is! Okay. Shh. Shh.
Shh, shh. Oh, no.
He's gonna brush his teeth.
He's gonna do it. He's gonna do it. Here he goes. Here he goes.
Do it. Do it! Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh!
Yeah, get them nice and clean, you son of a bitch!
So satisfying. Wait, guys. Okay. Now what, though?
What are we doing? What do we do now? What do we do now?
We wait for him to go to bed.
Dale starts the gas, okay?
I've got the ransom note.
Not now. Not now. Not now. Turn it off.
He said, "Dale, start the gas."
No. I said, "Dale starts the gas."
You said, "Dale, start..." later, you idiot.
Turn that off! We can't have the gas in here. Jesus.
Okay. I'll put this on the...
Hey. Turn it off.
I'm trying to. It's, like, broken or something. Are you kidding me?
Give it to me. Turn it the other way. Turn it the other way.
We dropped it like a million times.
I think we broke it. No. See?
It's just like it's not doing anything.
Let's get the fuck out of here. Get out of here?
What are you talking about? He's right outside! Shit! He's right there!
Then get the fucking can out of here!
Don't start laughing. Look at your face.
What is funny about this?
Look at his face.
Oh, no. Dude, you got your face.
The gas. Is this the gas? Face.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Hey.
No, no. Listen. Keep it together.
Yes, it's the gas.
It's pretty good.
You keep it together.
Ooh. W-whoa!
I was trying to hit him.
Guys.
Oh, no, no, no. No. No. No. No.
Okay. I'm good. I'm good.
Let's...
♪ Tiger, a fighter ♪
♪ dancing through the fire ♪
Shit. Kurt. Kurt. Your phone.
Hmm? Oh. Your phone. It's your phone.
I got it. I got it. I got it. Where are we?
Shut it off.
Why is your wife calling me?
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
She's probably freaking out. I didn't come home last night. Quiet.
Dude, get your fucking head out of my crotch. Hmm?
Will you look at this fucking view during the daytime? Hey.
You kidding me? Unbelievable! All right.
He seems gone. Bed's made. Yeah. Yeah.
I can't believe this. We should maybe just check.
Hey! Rex! Hey.
Rex!
Dale! Huh?
Did you have a plan if he responded?
I didn't think that far ahead. Yeah. Of course you didn't.
I would have just been quieter. Yeah.
You're even dumber in the mornings.
You know, Stacy's just gonna completely flip out
when I get home. Dale, do me a favor.
What kind of dad doesn't come home all night?!
Shut that down, okay? You're not a dad yet.
Because if the worst thing that happens
from this whole clusterfuck is your domestic problems,
then we can consider ourselves lucky.
We just dodged a huge bullet back there.
We almost made the worst decision of our lives.
No, that's true. You know why?
'Cause if he opens that closet door and sees us,
we're... we're in prison right now. That's... that's right.
You know? So we're very, very lucky.
What the fuck is the matter with us?
You know what? I tell you what.
If a couple tiny things went our way,
we could have pulled that off. No.
Just saying. We're not criminals!
We suck at crime! We're, like, nice, normal guys. I know.
I like baseball. I wear pants. Yeah. Yep.
Back to being cogs in the machine. Cogs!
No shame in that. Cogs, dude.
No, cogs are good. It's a relief, you know?
It's like a weight... A weight lifted off your...
What is that... shoulders? That's right. No, this is good.
This is good. It's a fresh start
where everything's gonna be like...
I'll call you guys later.
Please don't kill me!
Fuck! Fuck! Oh, fuck!
What the fuck is that?! What the fuck is that?!
What did we do?
We fucking kidnap him while we're high on nitrous?
And then what? Just went back into the closet
and went to sleep? Why would we do that?
Shh, shh, shh. What?
Is he crying?
The best!
That was so good.
Help me out.
The look on your...
Yeah. All right.
I really couldn't...
Your fucking face!
Oh, my God. Hey, man. Yeah.
Whoo-wee. Ah.
You had us.
Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Oh! Oh!
What's happening? I don't know.
What's happening? Oh, boy.
Oh, my God! You guys!
I completely underestimated you.
You fuckers have some low-hanging balls!
I mean it. I'm impressed.
Hmm. I mean, I wake up,
I find you three in my closet,
along with a ransom note, a big ol' bottle of nitrous.
I'm like, "holy shit!
These fuckers were gonna gas me!"
I'm about to call the cops when I think, "hold up a sec.
These guys may be onto something."
I want to partner up on this thing.
Part... what are you talking about?
What thing? What are you talking about?
I'm not sure what you mean. Mm. The thing?
This thing. My kidnapping. Oh.
Truth be told, pop and I,
we've hit a rough patch lately.
He's refusing to cover some of my expenses.
Blah, blah, blah. Long story.
Anyway, your timing could not have been better.
Is this a fucking marlin?
Rex, this is, uh, cool and all,
but we decided, like, we're out.
You know, we're not doing crime. Yeah. Not our thing.
Yeah, no, he's right. No.
The kidnapping is off, actually. Okay?
Huh? No. No, no, it's on.
No, it's off. No, it's totally on!
I sent the ransom note to my dad!
You what? You did what? Yeah.
I was a little insulted
you only asked for $500,000 for me.
I mean, is that all I'm worth?
Hmm? No sweat.
I tacked on another zero.
$500 million?!
Wow. That's a ton. No.
$5 million, guys. $5 million.
$5 million. $5 million. 5? Right, right, right, right.
Yeah. $5 million.
$1 million for you guys. 4 for me.
Why don't we find a pay phone and make that ransom call?
Yeah, Rex, let's... Let's not, OK...
We appreciate the generous offer,
and thank you very much for not calling the cops.
Yes. But we're gonna pass.
No. Yeah.
Guys. Guys, how's this anything but great news?
All I'm asking you to do is finish your own plan,
but for double the money.
And, plus, it just got 1,000 times easier
because now I'm your inside man.
I can make sure dad pays up.
And then, you know, when you "set me free,"
I can tell the cops it was three other morons.
"They went thataway."
Oh. Well, wow.
I mean, that's not the worst idea I've ever heard.
I mean, it's better than our original idea. A lot better.
G-give us one second? Fucking what?!
We can't trust this guy. You can trust me.
No, you're right. What are we talking about?
Yeah. Of course. They burned us once already.
We're not gonna get burned again. Nice try.
Uh, thanks, but, no, thanks.
That's a niggerda... Nick-Kurt-Dale no from us.
Nick, Kurt, and Dale. Yeah.
So thank you, but adiós.
Okay. You need a ride?
No. I think I'll hang out here.
You know... Escape from your clutches.
And call the police.
And tell them what? Go ahead. Call them. Yeah.
We never kidnapped you. Yeah, you did.
We didn't. Yeah, you abducted me.
We did not. Yeah, you brought me back here.
There was a struggle.
Oh, shit! Come on, man!
Things got broken.
What the...
And then you assaulted me.
Oh, shit! What?!
This guy's fucking nuts. What are you doing?
Hey, Rex. It's off, pal.
Oh, and then you beat me.
Mercilessly.
Oh, wow! Holy shit!
He's "fight-clubbing" himself!
We got a "fight-clubber"!
And then I found my way up here.
Then I found this phone. Then I picked up the receiver.
Oh, no. And I dialed 9...
don't, don't, don't call. Come on, man. Joke's over.
...1... don't you hit the second "1."
don't hit it. Come on, man. Don't do it! Don't do it! Stop!
I don't know where I'm going.
I don't even know where you find pay phones these days.
No. There's some... there's some pay phones at the park up here.
Okay.
Boys, we are doing this!
The adventure begins! Who's fired up?
Such a negative energy. This is killing me.
Guys, come on. Will you... can you actually...
Can you scoot over just a-a-a smidge? Huh?
No. I sit in the middle.
That's his seat, dude. It's a whole thing, Rex.
I know. It's just you're crowding me.
I'm crowding this guy now?
He's forcing us to kidnap him, and I'm crowding him?! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Buddy. Simmer down.
Kidnapping was your idea. Remember?
Yeah, but then we had the idea to not do it.
Yeah, exactly. I sit in the middle!
Hey, hey.
Dale, just do what he says.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
Oh, God. That is nice. This is way better.
This is bullshit, by the way.
E-excuse me, Dr. Harris.
Was someone in the office last night?
Uh, my sex addiction group met here at 8:00.
Oh. Yes.
But, doctor, the keypad logged an earlier entrance.
Really?
Let's check our fancy new camera system.
That's a gay guy. It's so weird.
He didn't bone me like a gay guy. You know what I mean?
He only cried like a little bit.
And he was oddly squeamish about his own asshole,
which is weird.
It's so weird.
Yeah. That's what I thought.
Is that... Dale?
What's he doing with Kurt and Blanston?
Should we call the police?
No. No. I'll take care of them.
Enjoy.
It's good stuff. Learn something.
All right, guys. It's ringing.
Remember... you guys hold all the cards.
Game faces. You are going to crush this.
Okay, wait. Hold on. Hold on. He knows what we sound like.
We got to, like, use an accent or something.
You know what I mean? Accents? No accents. That's ridiculous.
No, that's a great idea, Kurty.
Boulder stream.
Accent. The secretary. Who is this? The secretary?
Uh, hey, homey!
Let me speak to Mr. Bert Hanson.
No, I don't mind holding. Yeah.
I just barely even called you right now, already.
That's incredibly racist. Super racist.
Just... just do... Just a Southern accent.
Southern? Southern I got.
Southern, Southern. No problem.
Hanson.
Well, howdy, there, partner.
Uh, this here's the gents what got your young 'un and all.
And, well, we... we got some talkin' to do and...
Southern. Not old prospector.
I thought that was pretty good.
Listen, you low-life bottom-feeder.
I don't have time for this little fuck-around.
Either this ends right now,
or it ends with bullets in your skulls. Now, you hush there.
You don't scare us one bit. We got your boy.
Huh? I'll bet that tears you up somethin' fierce.
Oh, yeah? How do I know you really have my boy?
Dad!
Dad, is that you? Please! They're... they're crazy.
They told me if you call the police, they'd kill me.
Please. Please do whatever they say.
I don't want to die, dad! No police!
Oh! God!
Rex? Rex? Where are you?
Now, you listen here.
Y'all gonna have to wrassle up
that 5 million bucks in cash.
We're looking at all $100s.
Unmarked. Unmarked.
No tracers. No tracers.
And no dye packs neither! Sure.
Otherwise, we gonna take your boy
and string him up by his pretty little neck
with the roughest, coarsest piece of rope
we got in our rope inventory.
You understand? You got 24 hours before he dead.
Boom! Yes.
That is how it's done. Let's go. All right?
Guys, that was great! Mm-hmm.
That was so much fun! Yeah!
Absolutely. You were incredible!
Thanks. Thanks for getting us snacks, dude.
You earned it.
All right. So now what? What do we do?
Okay. What's the plan?
I say we go back to the office. Mm-hmm.
Okay? Lay low for a little while. Yeah.
And we wait for that money train to roll in.
Choo-choo!
Choo-choo, baby!
Oh, turn up this song! I love this song. Mm!
We're doing this thing! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You know, I hate to break up the car party,
but, Rex, you don't have a plan for the ransom drop,
and that is the part where people get caught, okay?
Wow. Wow. God.
The ransom drop is only hard
if the police are involved.
Yeah, dude! Yeah. That's right.
But what if he does call the police?
'Cause that wouldn't be good.
He's a billionaire.
Well, he's not gonna risk my life over $5 million.
After Kurt's little performance back there... Aw, come on.
...there's no way he's gonna call the cops.
Trust me. My performance?
What about yours? You were so in the moment!
You think so? You were great!
And you were great! Get your mouths off his dick, okay? Come on.
I'm just saying everyone was, you know, doing pretty good. Whoa, whoa.
Take it down a notch.
Wait. Shut up! Shut up, shut up!
Shut up! This is Stacy.
Oh, my God. I forgot to call her.
Uh, hi, honey!
Where the hell have you been all night, Dale?
Now, here's what happened...
I fell asleep at the office, really?
Because find my iPhone said you weren't even at the office.
What, are you cheating on me, Dale?
Look, you're... you're upset, and you're... oh, shit!
Oh, God. God damn it.
He called the cops. Oh, we're busted.
Busted?! Oh, my God!
Well, fucker, drive or pull in. I'm not busted, honey.
No one is busted in like a bad sense of the word.
Too late. Lupe's got us. Pull in.
Okay. We're pulling in. Put your head in my lap.
Honey, no one's head's going in my lap.
It's just something that the guys are saying now.
What the hell is going on?! I can't talk!
Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide. I am fucked!
Okay. Let's just go in.
We got to be calm and just be cool. Shit. Hi.
Gentlemen. You own this establishment? This place here?
Oh, boy. I don't know. Do you really own anything in this lifetime?
We... we're renting. We're currently renting the... You know what I mean?
It's all just material and matter.
We... yes. Yes. Electrons, protons.
What? Yeah. We do. I mean, technically, yeah.
Let me ask you, has your company
done business recently with a Mr. Bert Hanson?
Barb Fanson? Doesn't ring a bell. No, he said...
Not really ringing a bell. I don't think that we have.
Yeah. No, no, that's not our guy.
Oh, well, that's interesting.
The way I hear it, you're working with him,
and things didn't shake out too well for you boys.
Oh, that Bert! Oh, Bert Hanson!
Oh, yeah. Is that what he said?
Oh, yeah, yeah. We know him. Yes. We know that guy.
You know, we had a business disagreement.
No big deal. We liked the guy
and definitely don't think his son deserves to be kidnapped. Yeah, yeah. Mm...
Kidnapped?
Who said anything about kidnapping?
Uh...
I... I want to say you did.
No, I didn't. I think I heard you say it.
No, I didn't. I feel like you did.
I sort of heard it, too. You said "kidnapping."
I was like, "what a weird word!" Yeah, yeah.
Should be more "kidnabbing."
No, I did not. Did I say that?
I think you might have said it, sir. You're sure?
Well, I got a little lost with all their yammering,
but pretty sure.
All right. Maybe I did.
Hey. Been a long week.
We'll be in touch. Yeah, yeah!
All right, see you guys. Anytime you want. And don't worry,
'cause the main thing is that you said it. All right.
Stop talking. Stop talking.
And... you've done plenty, plenty of talking.
Where you going? Come back here. Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
Come over here. We're going this way.
And I don't want you to thank me.
I just want you to go home and enjoy your family.
Enjoy the rest of the day off, everyone!
You've earned it!
Uh-huh-h-h.
Ohh!
The police were just checking,
making sure we're locking up at night.
You know, they're keeping the neighborhood safe!
They're heroes!
Okay. All taken care of. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
No, everyone's gone. Oh. No, no.
He's spinning out.
I was really clear my life was in danger.
He called the police anyway.
Yeah.
And since he did, it's pretty clear
that we're not gonna be able to continue with the scam.
$5 million is nothing to him.
But I guess it's worth more to him than my life.
Ooh. I don't... Aw.
I'm his son, for Christ's sake.
Oh, boy. We got a crier. Yeah.
Look how blue his eyes get when he's crying.
I'm sorry. This is so fucking embarrassing.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no. No! Hey.
Toilet paper here. You can blow your nose.
Look at this, okay? Just because your dad called the cops...
Thank you... Doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
No, of course not! Oh, my gosh.
Listen, I'm sure it was just his first reaction.
Absolutely. It's natural. He's scared.
He's confused. Yeah.
I mean, Dale's a dad, you know? I'm a dad.
Can you imagine if someone stole just one of them?
No. I can't even imagine.
You would call the cops immediately.
No, I don't think I'd call the cops. You wouldn't?
I couldn't take that risk.
Ohh. No. That's a different situation. Oh, shit. I'm sorry, man.
Bad example. That was a bad example.
Maybe some alone time would be the most helpful.
Why don't we step outside and give him a minute? Yes.
Right. Yeah. We'll come back. And don't do anything rash. We're just right outside here.
Can I talk to you outside, please?
Oh, boy.
Man, I feel terrible for that guy.
I know. Are you kidding me?
Poor, poor guy. I mean, that is rough. I know.
Huh? Rough! Yeah, that's a bummer.
Are you guys shitting me in there?
Well, I mean, his dad sold him out for, like...
Honestly, it was probably nothing to him.
Pennies to him. The guy's so rich.
That would rock me to my core.
I mean, have a little empathy, Nick. Please? Yeah.
What are you talking about?
You're acting like you have Stockholm syndrome.
Yeah. What is that? What is that... like jet lag?
No. Dude, do I look tired to you?
You don't, no.
You don't look tired to me. I'm fine.
Yeah. Stockholm syndrome is when you bond with your captors, idiots.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh. Okay.
Well, then hold on a second.
He's the hostage. Yeah.
So technically this would be reverse Stockholm syndrome.
Yeah, and we don't have that, okay? Yes. True.
He's just a really, really,
really, really, really likable guy.
I like him a lot. He's really likable.
Cool. The guy's a winner!
You know, that's so true.
It's nice to be around a winner for a change.
Oh, boy. It feels right, Nick.
Come on, man. Here's what we're gonna do...
We're gonna go in there, we're gonna tell him
cops were never part of this plan.
And the shit ends now. Let's do it.
Come on.
It was a wonderful idea.
Didn't work out.
So I think the best thing to do is just to pull the plug,
and you tell the police
that the guys who got you chickened out, let you go.
They're long gone. They didn't all chicken out.
Now's not the time to back off, boys.
I say we chop off a toe, mail it to him,
and double the ransom.
Now you're talking. Yes! Chop, chop, chop! Yes! Wait. Whose toe?
Not it. Not it. Not my toe.
No one's toe. Keep your toes.
Time to call it off.
Nick! Nick! Come on!
Nick, look at me. Oy.
Look, man, if we give up now, I'll be just fine.
You know? But you guys...
Your employees, for God's sake...
Dale's little boys. Girls, Kurt.
Hey, thanks. Yes. Yeah.
...you're all fucked.
Nick, come on, man. Look, man.
You can't just roll over and die
every time your back is against the wall.
That's right. Don't roll over and die!
Yeah, you got to be careful.
You have to take what's yours in this...
You have to take it! Take what's yours! Put your name on it!
Write your fucking name on it and say, "that's mine!"
And take... And take it.
I think I'll take it from here, okay?
He's got it. He's got it. He's got it.
Listen, right here. Listen to him, man.
This is where you want it to come from.
Not us. We don't know. Rex is... I got it!
Yeah. Sorry, Rex. Sorry.
Sorry about that. You got it, Rex. He's got it.
Come on, man.
Help me help you get revenge on my asshole dad
and get you paid a million bucks, cash! Yes.
Boy, it sounds awesome,
but there's no way to get it done.
That's not true. How about this thing?
How about this? How about if we just put our heads together?
We brainstorm a little.
If we don't come up with a ransom plan that you love,
we pull the plug.
Then you'd let us walk? You have my word.
But if we do come up with something really inspired,
then we're in it to win it.
Well, I-I can't stop anybody from brainstorming.
Me and him... Like that.
All right.
I'll see you upstairs, guys.
♪ Now, there was a time ♪
♪ when you loved me so ♪
♪ I could have been wrong ♪
♪ now you needed to know ♪
♪ see, I've been a bad, bad, bad, bad man ♪
♪ and I'm in deep ♪
♪ yeah ♪
♪ I found a brand-new love for this man ♪
♪ and can't wait till you see ♪
♪ I can't wait ♪
♪ so, how you like me now? ♪
♪ How you like me now? ♪
Is "vagina" with a "G" or a "J"?
♪ How you like me now? ♪
♪ How you like me n-o-o-ow? ♪
All right.
Let's run it down from the top.
Okay. First, we tie up Rex
in one of those abandoned warehouses off 3rd.
Then we call Bert on a dark phone.
It's prepaid and untraceable.
Go to the bench on the 4th street bridge to make the drop.
Not long enough to trace the call.
God damn it!
These guys are pros.
I want a tracer put in that bag.
The police are sending everyone they've got to watch the bridge.
Weapons tight. Eyes on.
All right. Tactical command, red team.
♪ And I felt the fire ♪
♪ there was nothing for me to do ♪
Here we go.
But when he gets there,
he finds the dark phone that I planted ahead of time.
Then we call him from the second dark phone,
and we tell him to proceed downtown.
Hello?
You're gonna want to pull into the garage
under the mandrake hotel and park in space 4421.
There, you will find a red bag.
You will transfer the money into this bag,
then drive out and await the location of the drop.
And we tell him if anyone follows him in,
his son's a fucking corpse.
♪ I am caught up in your desire ♪
♪ it's flush-in-the-face desire ♪
And when Burt drives that far underground,
the police will lose the signal from his wire.
But when he arrives, instead of finding a bag,
he finds you three... Disguised, armed, dangerous.
Yeah, but the gun's not loaded, right?
Of course not. Nobody gets hurt. Come on.
I then tell him to give me his jacket and tie.
So, just as the cops are starting to sweat,
dad pulls out with the new red bag,
just as he was instructed.
Sir, we have the signal back.
Thank God.
Only it won't be my father driving.
It'll be our ringer.
We're back on him, sir. How do you know it's him?
I still have the cash, and I'm heading to the drop.
I guess it's him. Stay with him.
So, I drive to the staples center.
Kings have Vancouver. Great match-up.
Place will be packed.
The cops will stay with the money
and wait for the kidnappers to receive the drop.
Hanson made the drop. Stay on the money.
We got our man. Take him down.
Stay down! Back it up!
A lot of them, too. Back it up, please.
Son of a bitch!
By the time the cops know they've been had...
...Kurt's a ghost.
And Nick and Dale disappear with the cash.
And, finally, I am rescued from my hellish captivity.
Oh, thank you. Where's my dad?
Dad!
And a week later, once the smoke clears,
we'll be sitting poolside, splitting up the cash.
It's raining! Who wants it?!
Yeah! There's enough to share!
Look what came. Who's thirsty?
Who wants some Tequila?
It's cash! Thanks, babe.
Hey, whoa! Dale!
Get your goddamn kids out of the fantasy.
What? Let them enjoy the pool and let them enjoy the money, okay? Relax.
They're not even allowed at this pool. They should be at the kids' pool. That's right.
I can't turn my mind off! They're in my fantasy.
Guys! Guys! Guys! Will you stop it?!
Come on! Let's not argue, okay?
We came up with an awesome plan.
It is smart. It is mad creative.
You know, you boys continue to impress me.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks, man.
You came up with most of it, though.
I did not, Nick. You did.
That is a lie. It was a team effort.
You came up with that whole going into the garage,
losing the signal. Yeah, that was good.
That was brilliant. That was good.
Kurty came up with the dark phone business.
That's from "grand theft auto." I took it.
Genius. Yeah. Thank you.
And Dale, uh...
I had the thing where you go on the zip line
to the trampoline, to the skateboard.
Nick shot that down, though, if you remember.
Yeah. It wasn't a good idea.
It was a bad idea. It really was.
You had a lot of bad ideas, though, that led to good ideas.
And that is value.
Thanks, man.
All right, Nick. Look, my word is still good.
You know, if you...
If you don't think it can work, we call it off.
It's up to you, buddy.
Where do we get some untraceable phones?
There we go! Yeah!
That's our guy! This guy!
There we go!
Prepaid with Bitcoins.
Jailbroken. 100% untraceable.
We got it. Thanks, man. Solid. Thank you, motherfucker.
Good luck out there, boys.
What's that laugh about? Why are you...
I just said, "good luck."
No, that was a sinister giggle, motherfucker.
You said it with a little sinister giggle.
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying that maybe you guys
might want a little advice.
Boy, that was predictable. No, thanks. We're good.
You know what, then? Get the fuck on, then.
Right, that's what I said. "Get the fuck on." Let's go.
Wait a minute. Hold on. I don't like this.
Now I want to hear what he has to say.
Oh, now you want hear? You know some shit.
You got one on the hook. Give it to him.
It's gonna cost you 51% share of your company.
You're out of your fucking mind. Come on.
It's gonna cost you 2% share of your company.
Yeah, whatever. It's so weird how you negotiate.
It won't be in existence tomorrow, probably. You can have that.
There's a middle ground. I'd like my watch back, though, too.
Here's the advice, young men...
Y'all criminals.
It's never good advice, is it? I can't find the advice in that.
It's not even true, actually. Exactly.
We're not criminals. We got dicked into this.
Shut the fuck up!
See, you can't have this both ways.
Every time you guys come in here, you're like,
"oh, we're just a bunch of happy-go-lucky guys.
"You know, once again, through no fault of our own,
"we found ourselves in another pickle,
and we can't get our fingers out of our asses."
Fuck that chicken shit!
You're fucking criminals.
You've tried to kill your bosses. One of them ended up dead.
Now, you want to perpetrate a kidnapping?
You three are the craziest
motherfucking criminals I've ever seen in my life.
You want to pull this shit off?
You got to act like it.
Word.
♪ Unh ♪
♪ unh ♪ ♪ unh ♪
♪ come on ♪
♪ ha, sicker than your average ♪
♪ poppa twist cabbage off ♪
Oh, that was embarrassing.
We're trying to do a super cool slow-mo walk, guy.
Come on, man. Easy.
No, no. It's over. Let's go. Where you going, Nick?
Moronic idea. Come on, man.
I am mortified. Let's do the walk.
You got to stick with it.
What do you think, Nick?
Should I beat myself up a little bit more? No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, you don't need to hit yourself any more.
I just think we should just go ahead
and just make the call, all right? Hold on,
before we kick this thing off, could I just say something?
I'm not really good at this kind of thing, you know?
Um, my mom died when I was 4, and, um...
You know, when you're raised by Bert Hanson...
Most of your friends are shitheads.
Um, yeah, and I know I dragged you guys into this,
but I-I'm not sorry.
Because... I'm really glad I met you guys.
Anyway, I want you guys to have this.
What is it? It's an actual fang from "predator."
"Predator" the movie? Yep.
I want you to have it. Here.
For real? Yeah. I swear to God.
Do you like "predator"?
Yeah, I like "predator."
Kurty?
Yeah. Yeah, I like "predator," too.
I mean also, not the sequel.
Nick? Oh, well...
I didn't like "predator" when I first saw it,
but it grew on me quite a bit.
I like "predator" a great deal.
Are we talking about him, or are we talking about "predator"?
I'm terrible with metaphors.
Let's just make the phone call.
It was lost on me. Most things are.
Yeah.
Hey, you got that sack of cash?
Yeah, I got it.
Yeah, now I want you to sashay up to the 4th street bridge.
You're gonna find a bench there about halfway up,
want you to take a load off.
And you bring the amount that we agreed upon,
and you come alone.
And if you do, you will find your son
returned home lickety-splickety.
4th street bridge, he's gonna have him drop it over the side.
Now, I want every inch covered,
but everyone holds a safe distance.
Yeah, but not too safe a distance. Understand?
This bag is your number fucking one priority.
No, actually, your son's life is our number one priority.
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Yeah, I think I do.
Does anybody have a visual?
Bridge is still clear, chief.
Hanson approaching. Eta two minutes.
The blade is in position.
Majestic, in position.
I am in...
Kill shot is in position.
Whoa, "kill shot"?
Yeah, I want to be kill shot.
Then you are kill shot, dude. I love it.
That's a pretty sweet name there, Nick.
Oh, easy, easy. We don't want to use real names
if we're using code names, Dale.
Don't say my name either, Kurt. Mine was an accident.
Yours was clearly on purpose there.
I'm sorry. I don't think yours was an accident.
What are you talking about?!
You know, why are we on walkie-talkies? We're in the same room? Come on.
We're checking the equipment.
We don't need to check the equipment.
He's on a TV remote control!
You know, I mean, I was trying to participate.
I didn't have anything to...
Hey! Hey! Ho! Hey! Ho! Hold up. Blade's got a visual.
He's here. He's here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
Oh, shit. All right. Kill shot, make the call.
I'm dialing. Here we go. Oh, my God.
Hey, what's that?
Who's calling you?
I don't know. It's blocked.
Oh, no.
Hello. Hi.
Who is this? It's me, dickless!
Hey, what're you doing? You're supposed to call the dark phone.
I did! You've got it in your hand.
You were supposed to tape that under the bench.
No, that's not... I... oh, wait.
♪ Whoo, whoo ♪
♪ talk dirty to me ♪
♪ whoo, whoo ♪
Oh!
Oh, shit! So, what phone does he have?!
Bert has Kurt's phone,
with our contact information on it.
And all the pictures of us from when we used to be friends?
Are you kidding me?! Easy, easy, easy.
Knock it off! Okay, look, this is no big deal, all right?
We'll just punt. We'll do it tomorrow.
All right? I mean, as long as we don't call the phone,
he'll never find it. He found it.
He... what?! How?! Shit. We are screwed.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I got an idea.
Okay, call your phone.
If he's talking on it,
he's not gonna look through it and see all the contacts. That's a great idea.
Here we go, here we go. Okay. All right.
♪ Tiger, a fighter ♪
Call coming in. ♪ dancing through the fire ♪
"Roar" by Katy Perry. These guys are confident.
Yeah, hello.
Well, look like the grasshopper
found himself a blade of grass to sit upon! Too much.
Hello!
Let's get this over with, pretend cowboy.
Yeah, now, listen. I need you to proceed
to the mandrake hotel.
I need you to go underground into parking.
I need you to get to spot 4421.
You're gonna see a big, ol' bag there.
Fill it up with that money!
And then I need you to proceed north onto Figueroa
and await further instructions.
W-wait, wait, wait, wait.
And don't think that we don't know you got the law with you,
'cause that's something that we do know!
All right?
So if any of them cavalry follow you down in the garage?
I'm personally gonna stick
a hot poker so far up your son's ass,
I'm-a pop his teeth like popcorn!
See? We're back on track.
Hey, guys, with game-time traffic,
he could be here in less than 10 minutes.
How we doing, Kurt? Almost done.
Where are the bellhop costumes?
The what? The bellhop costumes.
Aren't we dressed as bellhops
when we escape with the money? Like, we come out of the hotel...
What are you talking about? This place doesn't even have bellhops. No. It doesn't?
I thought there was supposed to be some sweet-ass...
No, there's no bellhop costumes in there.
What the fuck are these, man?
It's not Halloween time. It's the best I could do on short notice.
It's not scary. Don't make fun.
Hey, guys, how do I look?
Who the hell are you? It's me, Kurt.
I know that part. That looks terrible.
You don't look like Bert, you look like mark twain.
Guys, none of this is like I pictured it when we were planning it.
Everything was so much cooler. No, it'll be fine.
No, it will be good.
It just has to look good from a distance.
You're driving by. It's nighttime.
Here we go. Let's do it. Let's roll. Let's roll. Let's go. Let's go!
All right. Let's just do what we got to do,
do it confidently and we should be fine.
Here we go.
Oh! Hi, boys.
Oh, hi.
You... you staying at the hotel, or...
Is this your hotel? Are you staying here?
I've been keeping my eye on you
since you broke into my office.
I don't know what's going on here,
and I don't give a shit.
Julia, why are you here? What do you want?
I think you know what I want.
No, I-I-I'm not gonna sleep with you.
Why... why can't this crazy bitch get it through her head?
I'm not sleeping with the woman.
Hey. Keep it respectful. Sorry about that.
Are you kidding me? Don't call her that.
All right, look. I'm gonna make this really simple.
I'm gonna call the police, and I'm gonna send you all to jail.
Don't do that. Whoa, whoa. Come on.
Unless Dale plows me.
Why?! Why me?! What is so special about me?
That's a fair question. Everybody's wondering. I am.
Did you ever collect anything, Dale?
Boy, don't get him going on this.
What do I collect? Tons of stuff.
"Encyclopedia brown"?
Like, new beanie babies, which makes no sense.
"Battlestar Galactica."
All right, fine. I collect some stuff. Why?
Okay, well, I collect cocks.
Cogs? Julia.
"Cocks." Oh, yeah. Well...
Mm-hmm. Right up here.
I've got quite an impressive trophy room filled with cocks.
We're in there. Don't.
And at night, when I close my eyes,
I reflect on them.
I alphabetize them.
I dust them.
Why are they dusty?
But there's one little problem, Dale.
See that space,
that empty space, above the fireplace?
See that?
You got a cock missing?
That's reserved for the only man
who's ever said no to this.
That's you, Dale. My white whale.
Please, no. Timeout. Julia, I think we all know
this is just the addiction talking.
And if you're looking for something more than just a quick fix,
I can provide you something
that's very meaningful, something long-lasting.
What? What're you talking about?
I'm talking about us. You know what I'm talking about.
Us? All of us?
No. That's even better.
No. More the merrier!
Julia. I love this idea.
You guys got a lot of stuff sticking out.
I got a lot of holes going in.
Just, at one point of the night,
you'd better make sure that that one is in this one.
Thank you. Ooh. Ohh! That's not what I meant, you misunderstood.
All right, I'm gonna go freshen up.
Why don't you guys suck each other off to get ready?
All right, here we go. What are you doing?
What do you mean? She's making us fuck her.
Well, I'm not gonna fuck anyone. Thank you.
Okay, I am willing to make love to her,
if that is what is required here. Are you serious?
Uh, can I borrow this razor?
Yeah. Go nuts.
Any requests? Landing strip? Dinner roll?
Uh, whatever's there. We're in a rush. Thanks.
Hmm. Look, I-I don't want to commit adultery on my wife. I'm sorry.
No, no, no. No, it's not adultery if you're doing it to save your family.
True. Okay?
I mean, do you really think Stacy and your little girls
are gonna wait around for you
while you're in prison for 30 years?
They're not. Can't we just, like,
come up with some kind of plan, though?
Oh, yes. Absolutely. I got a plan. Okay, here we go.
Um, areas. Um, I'll go... Butt, face, puss.
I cannot go in the puss. That's gonna make me the most guilty.
No, good call. Good call. Okay, how about this...
How about, uh, butt, face, puss? Yeah? That's where I should be.
No, I'm trying to talk about a way where I don't ha...
Wait, that's actually good. Right?
Because maybe if we're switching positions constantly,
she'll lose track of who's where. Like a shell game.
Yeah, like a shell game. Right, right. Three-card Monte. Exactly.
Okay, and then I can just, like, motorboat her boobies,
right, and then like, you know, smack on her butt.
So long as nothing is done
in a cheap or degrading way. Of course not.
We'll be as sensitive as Dr. Phil.
I don't know if I can fuck this woman. Yes, you can.
Just think about your wife and your girls, all right? That's true.
Yeah, right, I'll think about my little girls.
I can get it done.
All right?
Stacy! Oh, no.
Hey, how did you find me here? Been there awhile?
Find my iPhone!
Ohh!
I knew you were cheating on me.
No, I'm not though. He's not. We're just trying to stay out of prison.
Prison?
No, no one's going to prison. No, no, of course not.
'Cause we're gonna kidnap someone. Kidnapping?!
No! Okay, first of all, the man kidnapped himself. That's exactly right.
And he forced us.
Dale wouldn't even do the puss.
I didn't even want to do the puss! I chose ass both times.
I said puss is make me the most guilty.
Wait! Shut up! You're not helping me! Shut up!
Okay, look, uh, this is such a stupid thing, honey.
And easy, and nothing sexual is even happening here.
Nothing. Come on, Dale,
this pussy isn't gonna eat itself.
Julia? Stacy!
Listen to me for one second. You are sick!
I'm not sick! Please! Do not follow me!
Can I just explain...
Do not follow me! No! You fucking bitch.
Sorry. Really didn't mean for that to happen.
Okay, Julia. You want to fuck?
Yeah.
Why not, right? You know?
My marriage is over. It's basically ruined.
So how about I ruin that pussy? That sound good?
What? No, no, no, no. You're face. I'm puss.
Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. This one's all mine.
What? Let's do it, baby.
Let's do it in the shower, huh?
Thataboy. Is that what you want?
Nice and wet in here.
All right, boys.
I can't save my marriage from prison, right?
No, you can't. No. Great, Dale.
Let's roll.
We lost the wire. Shit.
Should we send in an unmarked?
We can't risk it. We'll hold here.
Hello! Howdy do!
Go on that side. Stop it.
Hey!
What the fuck is this?
I do not need that sass-mouth.
What I need is that sack of cash.
Now get it over here.
Don't you throw it at me. You slide it.
Do it again. No, we'll keep it here. Check it.
Holy shit!
Looky there. We did it.
There's a pretty bag. Okay. All right. Hey!
I'll also take that damn mobile telephone you took from
the under bottom of that park bench.
What?
The cell phone! Give me the cell phone.
Throw the phone over to him.
Now that fancy jacket and that snappy tie.
Get them off. Get them over. No.
He say "no"? I think he said "no."
But we got this. Don't you make me use this six shooter.
Man's got a shooter, now.
You make me sick.
You're what's wrong with America.
Everyone just wants a handout.
Take, take, take from the people
who earn their money honestly.
All right, let's not chitchat now.
The man does have a gun. You got a real lip on you.
I will shoot you in the chest.
Well, go ahead. Shoot me.
You don't have the balls.
Yeah, he does! He got big ol' balls!
Big mouth. Nothing behind it.
Dude! Oh, my God.
What the fuck?! Oh, my God!
What did you do?! Oh, my God!
You shot him! No, I didn't!
Yes, you did! That was not supposed to be loaded!
What do you mean you didn't do it?! That's not my fault!
Oh, my God! Wait, hold...
Man, you should've seen your faces right now
when you started blaming each other.
What's happening right now?
I'm fucking you over.
No, no. But we're... But we're all friends now.
You know, we are, but what a great twist, right?
I mean, at first I-I was just gonna take all the money
and throw you guys under the bus.
Right? I mean, come on, duh.
But then when dad called the cops
and proved he doesn't give a fuck about me...
...I realized... why just take a few of his millions
when I can inherit all of them?
And you guys could take the fall for it, right?
Because in minutes the police will be down here,
and discover that you three killed my poor father
with a gun that you stole from my room
when you abducted me.
That is a lie!
He knows. He knows.
Don't worry, guys.
I'll take it from here.
Sorry, Rex. But we gotcha.
Why just take a few of his millions
when I can inherit all of them?
And you guys can take the fall for it.
Ooh, checkmate, bitch.
All right, here. Let's have that.
Yeah. Yeah. No. Right. Sorry. Thanks, man.
Didn't want to hold on to that for two more minutes?
Naw, that was a gift.
Nick, did you park the Prius in the back alley?
I sure did, Rex. Do you have the keys?
Here you go.
I'm really proud of you guys. I mean, seriously.
You pulled together. You work like a team. Just like we planned.
I'm... I'm gonna miss you guys.
Okay. Bye.
Catch!
Don't... God damn it. Oh, shit.
I'm sorry. I just have good hands.
Fuck. Wait. Hang on a second.
Hey, freeze! Freeze!
Dale, come on.
You think I'd give you a loaded gun?
Ah, shit.
Guys, seriously, I got to get going.
I got to wait to be saved at the warehouse by the cops.
See ya.
Oh, shit. Good luck talking to the cops.
You have your dad's blood all over your... ohh!
Can we not keep anything to ourselves? Fuck me!
I'm so sorry. That's much worse than what I did.
What did I do?! You're friends with him.
You introduced me to him.
We're not gonna be afraid of
an unloaded gun, Rex, you dipshit.
He's got bullets. He's got bullets.
He's got bullets? Fucking hell!
Kurt, what are you? A 32 waist?
Oh, dear God. He's gonna rape us.
No. Oh, you just want my p...
Oh, he just wants the pants.
That's great.
All time shittiest idea you guys have ever fucking had. Oh, my God.
I can't believe you talked me into this.
This guy's dead now! I know that!
He's fucking dead! We should have stayed cogs in the wheel.
This is taking too damn long.
Shit. This isn't about the bag.
This is the goddamn drop.
Move in. Everybody move in now.
Please take off the incriminating pants, Kurt.
Well, what are you talking about?
Run around in my fucking underwear? Come on.
Why don't we just throw the body in the trunk?
We got 5 million bucks cash. There's police everywhere!
We're not gonna get away with it! Oh, shit!
Grab the bag. Get the fuck in.
Why? We're gonna lead the cops to that warehouse
before your boy gets there.
If they see him out walking free,
they just might believe your ass. Let's go!
Get the money.
♪ Straight out of Compton ♪
♪ crazy motherfucker named ice cube ♪
♪ from the gang called niggaz with attitudes ♪
♪ when I'm called off, I got a sawed off ♪
Hey! Hey, guys! ♪ Squeeze the trigger, and bodies are hauled off ♪
Goddamn it. It's those idiots.
Come on! Let's go!
I'm pretty sure following us is already a part of their plan, Kurt.
You never know. You want to make sure, right?
What is the seat belt situation in here?
I got mine. Good idea. We should put them on.
Guys, can I get one? Can I get under one?
Just hold on to the dashboard.
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! No, this is the wrong way.
This is the wrong way! Turn around! Stop the car!
Who the fuck you texting? I'm texting my lady.
Put it down! If I don't check in, she goes crazy.
Are you serious?! Be careful. Careful.
By the way, what the hell were you doing back there
in that garage in the first place?
What's that, now?
Holy shit. What's going on?
You were down there to steal the ransom money,
weren't you? Listen, I hustle, I don't steal.
What the fuck does that...
What were you doing in the garage, motherfucker?
All right, look, I was thinking there was a chance
that your drop might go South
and that guy would kill all three of y'all.
And in such a scenario,
you'd rather me have the cash than him.
A very big assumption.
He was betting against us. You motherfucker!
I was honoring your potential death.
Honoring us! What are we, samurai?
Wait, hold on. Oh, oh, hey! Train!
Train! Train, train! Train! Train! Train! Train!
Nice! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
That's how you lose the cops! That's how you lose the cops!
We're not supposed to lose the cops. Don't lose the cops!
That's the whole idea.
It was a good thought. We're going back now.
This is great. I really wish you'd just slow down.
You wouldn't make mistakes like that.
Don't criticize the man. He's doing the best he can.
Here, I'll let them know. Hold on.
Hey! We're back!
We'll stay here till all this shit goes by.
Then we'll all roll.
What the fuck are these assholes doing?
They get that? Yeah, I think so. I think they're good.
What is that shit you're carrying around back there? Hey, yeah. What is that?
It's for my kitties.
Oh, yeah. You got kittens, huh? Surprising.
What the fuck, I can't have kittens?
What? Why are you always jumping on everything?
It's just weird you're hauling around a cat stand, man. I love pussy.
Hey, can I hop out and piss really quick?
No, you cannot. We're in a car chase.
Super long train. I feel like I could get it done.
It is a lot of freight.
♪ It's not in the way you look ♪
♪ or the things that you say that you do ♪
♪ hold the line ♪ eh... It probably needs...
Eh... Mm. ♪ love isn't always on time ♪
Aah! ♪ oh, oh, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ hold the line ♪
It's just too goddamn easy.
I feel like I could've pissed by now. Let him go.
Open the door. Get him out. Caboose coming.
Ah, shit!
Oh, shit. Cops!
Cops. Cops! Cops! Shit! Cops, cops, cops!
What happened? Ah, you lost your stuff.
You lost your cat stuff. Yeah, you lost your cat stuff. What?! Damn it!
Okay, there's a man there. Watch out for him.
Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, we're boxed in here! Ooh!
Not for long. No, no, no, no, no, no!
I've always wanted to do this! Aah!
♪ We've got to, we've got to make it last ♪
♪ I touch you once ♪ ♪ I touch you once ♪
♪ I touch you twice ♪ ♪ I touch you twice ♪
Shit.
What?
So where's this place?
It's up here, under the bridge.
Hey, what're you doing?! No, you're supposed to go under the bridge.
Relax.
The wheels are locked. Pump the brakes or something.
Yeah, yeah. Shift down.
Put it in park! I can't think!
No, no, no, no! No! No! No!
Oh, fuck!
I'm gonna puke.
Well, what's the next part of the plan, motherfucker?
There! There! There! There! There!
Dale: Kurt:
Hey! Hey, he's not here.
We beat him! What?
We beat him! Hey!
Hey! Nice job!
Where's motherfucker?
I don't know.
Cops. Cops.
Hey!
Get out of the car. Put your hands up!
Just relax. Please, put your guns down. Okay?
All right, we didn't kill anybody. I swear to God.
I don't give a God damn. You tell it to the judge.
We didn't kidnap anybody, either. The guy kidnapped himself.
He's gonna be sneaking in here any second. You'll see.
Yeah, hey, he was supposed to be tied up to that chair right there.
That's right. Right behind you.
Who? Him?
Yeah! Oh, that looks bad.
That looks bad.
This fucking guy! You got to believe us.
That's them! Those three, they... they...
Th-they tortured me, and then Th-they said they were gonna kill my dad.
Oh, don't listen to that!
That's garbage! No, no, no, no.
Tell me he's okay. Please.
I'm sorry, son.
No!
He killed his father!
He's a very strong actor. Don't buy it.
Oh, bravo! Get on the ground.
Okay! We're getting down, okay?
I can't believe you're buying that acting, though, man.
It's really... I mean, it's good but it's fucking...
You have the right to remain silent, assholes.
You have the right to an attorney, asshole.
Y... ♪ Tiger, a fighter ♪
♪ dancing through the fire ♪
Hey. Hey, that's my phone!
He has my phone! That's the phone Bert had on the bench!
Check that phone!
If he was tied up here the whole time,
how could Rex have the same phone? Check the phone.
Exactly. They switched pants!
Yeah. They got it. They got it. Check it!
It's the same ringtone, sir.
Yeah, Th-that's... Th-that's... That's my phone.
I have the same ringtone. It's... it's... it's an inspiring ringtone.
You were here this whole time with a cellphone,
and you didn't bother to call the police?
Ah! Ah-ha! Yes!
Shut the fuck up.
Let me see it. I said let me see it.
Everybody move the fuck off.
Yeah, he looks pretty guilty now, right?
He's definitely suspect.
Drop your fucking guns.
You shoot this prick. You shoot this prick right now.
You drop your guns, or I'll blow his fucking head off.
You hear me? Move! Move!
Oh, shit, he's gonna get away with this.
This guy doesn't quit. Jesus. He's incredibly resilient.
You. Keys in the car? Keys are in the car.
This fucking guy. Calm down.
This fucking guy took everything from me.
"Calm down"? "Calm down, Dale"?
No, fuck this fucking guy!
He took my wife, all right, step away.
He took my kids. I'm gonna do something about this.
What are you gonna do about it?
Look who's a predator now, bitch.
Wait, Dale. What are you doing?
Dale! Oh!
Oh, I'm shot.
Cuff this crazy asshole,
and beat the shit out of him while you're at it.
Oh, shit. Dale, buddy, you okay?
Hey. Oh, wow.
What was that?
Dale, let's put this down. Now, what was the plan here, buddy?
I don't know. I just overreacted. It's not even sharp.
Yeah, adrenaline. I get it. Did it just graze me, or...
No, you got hit in the... I went right in me, right?
Yeah, right in the... Square in the fucking chest.
But you're gonna be fine, okay?
Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I don't know about that, man.
That's a lot of blood. Don't listen to him. Hey. You're gonna make it.
Oh, thank you. Hey, Dale, yes, if you want hope, listen to him.
Good! If you want the truth, I'm your fucking guy, all right?
Oh, fuck you, man. This is bad news.
Can we get some help over here?
Don't worry, son. We're gonna get you fixed up.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
That's a big fucking hole. Yeah.
I'm gonna go to this light right here.
If you've got to go, you got to go, man.
Please don't let me die with him talking.
I'll take care of Stacy and your boys.
Kurt:
That couldn't be more annoying. It couldn't be more annoying.
I'm not trying to be annoying, I'm trying to have fun. It's annoying.
Hey! It worked, though. Look at that.
Look who's talking. You okay, pal?
You've been drifting in and out, but it's nice to hear you talking, man.
So, what's... what's... what do the doctors say? Am I gonna die?
Yes. Yes?! No.
We're all gonna die, Nick. He's old enough to know that.
It's been very touch-and-go, but you're gonna be fine.
Yeah, the doctors are gonna let you out of here now that you're up.
How long was I out? Really?! Two years.
Four days. That's better. Why didn't you play?
I thought we were gonna say two years or something. No. No, no, no.
That's better. We've got a woman president!
Ah, shit.
Look who's here. Oh, my gosh! He's talking.
Oh, yeah. You're talking. Hi!
We'll leave you guys alone.
Please, let me explain everything to you. No, no, no, sweetie.
'Cause there are so many misunderstandings. Shh, shh, shh. It's okay. It's okay.
Julia explained everything.
No. Don't talk to her. She's crazy. No, no, no.
She told me everything she put you through because of her affliction.
"Her a-affliction"?! It's just so heartbreaking what she's been through.
Hi.
She also told me
that my husband is the only one that ever resisted her.
Okay. Dale, you are one lucky man.
Your wife is so understanding and caring.
Right. So... Beautiful.
She has been so supportive with the babies and helpful.
Please, it's the least I can do to make amends for my bad behavior.
Okay. Okay, baby.
I'm gonna find Dr. Mike and tell him that you're talking.
I'll see you soon. Okay, good. Yeah, go get the doctor 'cause I'm... I'm feeling a little...
What is going on here? What's up?
So, I-I'm off the hook? There's no more white-whale business or any of that?
Mm-hmm. No more. You're off the hook.
Really?
Did you know that when men are in a coma...
They can still get an erection?
It's true, Dale. Coma boners.
"Coma boner"? What?
Lots... And lots...
Of coma boners.
Think about it.
Oh, shit.
All right, well, I better go.
I'm booking a spa day for me and Stacy.
Hmm.
I'm gonna fuck your wife, Dale.
No, no. No.
Uh, no, you're not. Hang on. Yes, I am.
Hang on. No!
Hey! There she is.
Boys. You look fantastic.
Mm-hmm. You know, been sending you a lot of unanswered texts.
That's not how you catch them, am I right? I think she said she's gonna fuck my wife.
"Gonna fuck"? I thought she already did. Oh, boy, yeah. That horse may have left the barn.
I figured those guys have been bumping tacos for the last few days. Shit.
Super touchy-feely lately. I can't process this. This is too much.
Anyway, so, like, what's even going on?
What happened? Did we get in trouble with the police, or...
W-we did, yeah. Yeah. A lot.
We got arrested for a long list of felonies. Mm-hmm.
But because you took a bullet for the detective,
D.A. Got rid of a lot of the biggies.
Pretty sweet.
All right, so I'm guessing we saved the business.
Nope. We did not. No. We did not.
The bank foreclosed a couple days ago.
Going once, going twice, sold!
D.H. Commercial trust.
But there's good news, too.
The guy who bought the company is keeping us on to run it.
And then, in the wholesale department.
If we bring that down to $300, you've got...
Lupe!
Oh! Hola, Lupe! Hola, hola.
Mm-hmm.
Uh... SkyMall?
Sí! SkyMall. Great! That's great news.
Uh, SkyMall order is ready to ship! Yeah, the boss is gonna love that.
Yes, he will. Let's go show him these great numbers, too. Come on.
Are we happy with these numbers?
Oh, I mean... They're pretty good.
There's room for improvement. We can do better.
Oh, my God. I just realized.
You actually thought you were bringing me good news.
The three of you walked in here
with little smiles on your fucking pathetic faces.
Why were you born? Why were the three of you born?
It's like looking at you is like looking out over the grand canyon of ineptitude.
I mean, it's a wonder your parents didn't smother you when you w...
Where are you going? Oh, no, no. See you next week, boss!
I have an idea... why don't you try a suicide pact, huh?!
And I'm not talking about throwing yourself off a building
or some sleeping-pills fucking shit!
I'm talking about, you can fuck each other to death!
Where the fuck do you think you're going?! I own you!
♪ How you like me now? ♪
Well, we have several franchise opportunities
available in your area, but, uh, purchasing a store
requires significant up-front investment.
Well, in that case...
...start me off with three locations.
I'm sure that we can accommodate you, Mr. Jones.
Please.
Mr. Jones? That's my daddy.
Call me motherfucker.
♪ How you like me now? ♪
Every... this guy!
♪ How you like me n-o-o-ow? ♪
Okay, first, we tie up Rex
in one of those abandoned warehouses off 3rd.
First, we're gonna tie up Rex...
First, we're gonna tie up Rex in one of those... fuck off, everybody.
As soon as Bert's car is underground...
The police loses...
Bert's car goes underground, right?
Police lose the signal from the wire.
Do you guys validate parking? Not you personally. Obviously, that would be racist.
You're gonna pull into space 4421.
I got to call you back.
The bank foreclosed two days ago.
Hey, but there is good news.
Really?
"Really?"
We need to talk to somebody who's legitimate.
We need to find someone who can get us our company back.
I can't take you to the next scene any better than that.
Well, then I would marry Daniel Craig,
I'd fuck Sean Connery, and I'd kill Timothy Dalton.
I would marry ed helms, fuck Bradley Cooper,
and kill Zach Galifianakis.
Marry crackle...
Fuck snap, kill pop.
Mm-hmm. Right?
Oh, my God, do you know what this looks like? What?
It looks like we don't know what we're doing.
Boy, I'd love it if you'd stop saying my Na...
Wait, hang on a second! Hey, freeze!
Guess who's got the gun now?
Me.
Where do you think she learned it?
Maybe from the first movie.
Get that chair ready. I'm gonna take a quick tinkle, all right?
Oh, but I'm thirsty.
Save me a shake.
I just can't say it.
So you want to use the ransom...
What is it? Uh...
"Y'all plan to use the ransom to save y'all bidness."
I just like to hear you say it.
Come on, man.
Help me help you get revenge on my assho...
...my asshole... Asshole dad!
You have to take what's yours in this...
In this l...
I mean, you have to... You have to...
...take what's yours in this life.
Take it!
Grab it!
You will pass your empty, sack-less ball sacks...
No, it's not that.
"Empty, shriveled sacks." They're shriveled.
I should know that just looking at you.
That's your credit picture right there.
Here comes the heavy. I smell dog shit.
Do you really? Yeah.
It might be your acting.
♪ No matter what you are ♪
♪ I will always be with you ♪
♪ doesn't matter what you do, girl ♪
♪ ooh, girl, with you ♪
♪ no matter what you do ♪
♪ I will always be around ♪
♪ won't you tell me what you found, girl? ♪
♪ Ooh, girl, won't you? ♪
♪ Knock down the old gray wall ♪
♪ be a part of it all ♪
♪ nothing to say, nothing to see ♪
♪ nothing to do ♪
♪ if you would give me all ♪
♪ as I would give it to you ♪
♪ nothing would be, nothing would be ♪
♪ nothing would be ♪
♪ no matter what you are ♪
♪ I will always be with you ♪
♪ doesn't matter what you do, girl ♪
♪ ooh, girl, with you ♪
♪ ooh, girl, you, girl, want you ♪
You guys like cool shit like this?