片名:泰迪熊Ｓ２：０８
我不敢相信我的儿子们 现在都高中毕业了 I can't believe my boys
are high school graduates now.
对啊,而且没有打开任何一本书 或做任何努力 Yup. And all without opening a single book
or applying ourselves in any way.
用枪抵着我的头 我也无法在地图上找到欧洲 Gun to my head, I couldn't find Europe on a map.
是长得像手的那个吗? Is it the one shaped like a hand?
我学了两年法语,只学会五个词 I got through two years of French
just knowing five words.
法国面包 Baguette.
似曾相识 Deja vu.
杰拉德 Gerard.
德巴狄厄 Depardieu.
孩子们,现在世界是你们的了 Boys, the world is your oyster now.
不是 No, it ain't.
从现在起,别再想捞好处了 From here on out
there's no more gravy train.
好吗?你现在是成人了,小翰 All right? You're an adult now, Johnny.
这代表你要负责任 That means responsibility.
别担心,爸 Don't you worry, Dad.
我向你保证,我会紧抓成人的身份 直接抓它的屁股 You have my word. I am gonna take
adulthood and grab it by the ass.
说到屁股,我得去拉屎了 Speaking of, I've got to take a dump.
毕业典礼真他妈的漫长 That was a long fucking ceremony.
天啊,我们不需要听这个 Jesus. We don't all need to hear about it.
祝你大便顺利,麦提 Have a good stool, Matty.
小翰,你今天便便了吗? And Johnny, did you do your doo-doos yet today?
妈 Oh, Ma.
我十八岁了 I'm 18 now.
我的也是“大便”了 Mine are stools too.
天啊,你说得对 Oh, good heavens. You're right.
你说得对 You're right.
时间过得真快 How time flies.
(四个月后)
“你说有人在呼麻” You said someone's toking some reefer.
“不,我说我好像闻到大麻味” No, I may have said something about smelling some pot.
“那只是我的观察” You know, it's just an observation.
“你的观察是吧?” Oh, an observation, huh?
“你到底是谁?他妈的牛顿吗?” Who the hell are you, man? Isaac fucking Newton?
我实在很难相信这家伙 It's kind of hard for me to buy that this guy has
能把牛顿随口挂在嘴边 Isaac Newton on the tip of his tongue.
对啊,而且感觉他早就准备好了 Yeah, and he really seemed to have it locked and loaded.
像是“我希望今天能发生一件事” Like, "I hope a situation arises today
“让我能提到我最喜欢的科学家” where I can mention my favorite scientist."
你看,他们要打架了 Oh, look, they're gonna fight.
“不如你观察一下 我把你牙齿打进你他妈的喉咙里?” Why don't you observe while I punch your teeth down your fucking throat?
-来啊! -为什么男生打架前 - Come on! - Why do guys always take
总是要脱掉上衣? their shirts off when they're about to fight?
因为男生一定会看乳头 Because guys will always look at nipples.
真的吗? Really?
对,只要露出来,男人就会看 Oh, yeah. If they're out, a guy's looking.
趁他盯着你的乳头时,你就揍他的脸 And while he's lost in your nipples
you punch him in the face.
-哇 -对,你去问依凡德何利菲德 - Wow. - Yeah, ask Evander Holyfield.
-“老兄,我的拳头在上面” -没错 - "Hey buddy, my fists are up here." - Exactly.
要是肯尼迪当年在车上打赤膊 他今天还活着 If JFK had been in the car shirtless
he'd be alive today.
孩子们,晚餐好了! Boys, dinner's ready!
未完待续 To be continued.
对了,沙拉里有个惊喜 By the way, there's a surprise in the salad.
日晒番茄干 Sun-dried tomatoes.
我在连锁超市绕了一圈 I got turned around at the Stop & Shop
结果逛到异国食品那一区 and I ended up in the ethnic aisle.
“日晒”只是“放到老”的好听说法 Sun-dried is just a fancy word for old.
这是意大利佬的骗局 It's a wop scam.
意大利的骗局 Italian scam.
-等等,不对 -留着吧 - Wait. No. - Save them
万圣节发给那些留小胡子的孩子 and give them out to the kids with the mustaches on Halloween.
天啊,你真是个他妈的偏见狂 Jesus Christ, you are such a fucking bigot.
我好像跟马克富尔曼住在一起 It's like I'm living with Mark Fuhrman.
天啊,别又来了 Ah, Christ, not this again.
怎样?因为你还不肯承认 他是个狡诈、满口谎言的… What, because you still can't admit he is a crooked, lying sack of...
是OJ辛普森干的! OJ did it!
好吗?如果警察有栽赃 All right? If... If the cops planted evidence
那也只是为了弥补 OJ辛普森把证据“反栽”回去 it was just to make up for OJ un-planting it.
这话一点道理都没有 That doesn't make any sense.
约翰,你今天面试得如何? John, how did your interview go today?
-什么? -在我朋友汤米的轮胎行 - What? - At my buddy Tommy's tire shop.
嘿,要帮你塞进去可不容易 Hey. It wasn't easy getting you in there.
幸好刚好有个空缺 Luckily, there was an opening
因为鲍伯唐纳修被卡车压死了 because Bob Donahue got crushed under a truck.
对,面试 Right, the interview.
很顺利啊 It went great.
我直视他的眼睛 I looked him right in the eye
还跟他用力握手 and I gave him a firm handshake and everything.
汤米没有手 Tommy doesn't have a hand.
去年被轮胎平衡机卷走了 Lost it in a tire balancer last year.
这听起来是特别危险的工作环境 This sounds like a uniquely dangerous workplace.
我跟他的残肢握手 I shook his nub.
他没有残肢,一路到肩膀 He doesn't have a nub.
It goes all the way up to the shoulder.
我握了他的肩膀 I shook his shoulder.
他只有一颗头接在躯干上! He's a head on a torso!
这样的人怎么当技师? How is this guy a mechanic?
-好,爸… -你根本没去,对吧? - Okay, Dad... - You didn't fucking go, did you?
-没有,但是… -他妈的! - No, but... - Goddamn it!
我真他妈不敢相信! I can't fucking believe it!
如果他脱上衣,别被他的乳头分心 If he takes his shirt off, don't get distracted by his nipples.
-是这样的… -不! - See, the thing is... - No!
我受够你他妈的借口了! I'm sick of your fucking excuses!
你没上大学 You... You didn't get into college.
你也没工作 You ain't got a job.
你什么都没做 从六月开始就无所事事 You ain't done nothing but sit on your ass since June.
麦提,他只是比较晚开花 Matty, he's a late bloomer.
他是个男孩,苏珊,别讲什么开花 He's a boy, Susan. Don't talk about him blooming.
可是男孩开花是很美好的事 But it's wonderful when a boy blooms.
我叫你别说了!你知道吗? I said stop it! You know what?
你们两个都被赶出这个家了 The two of you are kicked out of this fucking house!
-麦提 -不准再白吃白住 - Matty. - No more free rides.
麦提,不要! Matty, no!
这是为了他好,苏珊 No, it's for his own good, Susan.
我儿子他妈的才不会 变成那种靠补助过活的废物 My kid ain't gonna fucking wind up like a fucking welfare queen.
又是种族歧视 And more racism.
这怎么会是种族歧视? How the fuck is that racist?
-你刚刚说“靠补助过活” -所以呢? - You just said welfare queen. - So?
那是对黑人的歧视刻板印象 So, that is a racist Black stereotype.
我从没说过她是黑人 I never said she was Black.
所以你是自动假设是女人了 Oh, so it's automatically a woman.
男人又不会靠生小孩来发财 Well, a man's not popping out babies just to get rich!
而且别他妈转移话题! And don't change the fucking subject!
我受够每天回家看到一屋子寄生虫… I am tired of coming home every day to a house full of freeloaders who...
该死 Ah, fuck.
-麦提? -爸,你还好吗? - Matty? - Dad, are you okay?
只是消化不良 Ah, it's fucking indigestion.
感觉多姆德路易斯就坐在我胸口上 Feels like Dom DeLuise is sitting on my chest.
亲爱的,你要不要吃点胃乳? Honey, you want some Mylanta?
糟了 Oh, shit.
(马萨诸塞州总医院)
医生,他不会有事吧? Doctor, is he gonna be okay?
目前状况稳定,但他的动脉有阻塞 He's stable. But there are blockages in his arteries
所以可能又发生心脏问题 so another cardiac event is likely.
等等,慢点,医生 Whoa... Slow down, Doc.
用下水道术语解释给我听 Explain it to me in sewage terms.
是水槽塞住而已,还是主干线堵死 Is it just a clogged sink, or is the main line blocked
屎都从淋浴排水孔冒上来那种? and there's shit coming up through the shower drain?
我…我猜比较接近后者 I... guess it's closer to the second one.
我需要你的同意 在每条阻塞的动脉放入支架 I'll need your consent to insert a stent
into each blocked artery.
那谁来做? Well, who's gonna do it?
我会执行这个手术 I'll be performing the procedure.
是吗? Oh, yeah?
那这家伙呢? What about this guy?
他是护士 He's a nurse.
-男的? -对 - A guy? - Yes.
这到底怎么回事? 你是不是已经先给我药了? The fuck's going on? Did you give me the drugs already?
你能不能别再当个他妈的混蛋 让他救你的命? Will you stop being a fucking asshole and let him save your life?
好吧 All right, fine.
我真的很抱歉 I am so sorry.
我是在马萨诸塞州当医生 I'm a doctor in Massachusetts.
如果我不救有种族歧视的人 那我就什么事都不用做了 If I didn't save racist lives, I would do nothing.
苏珊,我…我很害怕 Susan, I... I'm scared.
一切都会没事的,亲爱的 Everything's gonna be all right, honey.
我好爱你 I love you so much.
我也爱你 And I love you too.
还有…儿子? And... And son?
什么事,爸? Yeah, Dad?
我…虽然我不常说,但是… I... don't say this enough, but...
你真的需要他妈的剪个头发 you really need a fucking haircut.
我知道,爸 I know, Dad.
嘿,小翰,你看 Hey, Johnny, look.
我就像学校舞会上那个坐轮椅 I'm the kid in the wheelchair at the school dance
但还是玩得很开心的小孩 who's also having a good time.
你…你刚刚把乳癌自我筛检手册 Did... Did you just put a breast cancer
放进口袋里吗? self-exam pamphlet in your pocket?
我回家要用的 It's for when I get home.
我只是…我只是好奇 I'm just... I'm just curious.
在你的幻想里,她有发现肿块吗? In the fantasy, does she find a lump?
有啊,在我裤子里 Yeah. In my pants.
这次作品不太行,但你压力真的很大 Not your best work, but you're under a lot of stress.
上面甚至没有照片 There's not even a photo on there.
只有线条图,你也尻得下去? You're just gonna jerk off to a line drawing?
医生,他怎么样? Doctor, how is he?
他会没事吗? Is he gonna be okay?
还有,贩卖机吃了我一枚硬币 Also, the vending machine ate one of my quarters.
有没有表格可以填,还是… Is there a form I can fill out, or...
手术非常顺利,贝内特太太 The procedure went very smoothly, Mrs. Bennett.
谢天谢地 Oh, thank God.
我终于松一口气了 I'm so relieved.
所以麦提会没事吧? So, Matty's gonna be okay?
目前还不能掉以轻心 Well, he's not out of the woods yet.
他的状况很脆弱,尤其是接下来几周 His condition is very delicate, especially for the next few weeks.
那是什么意思? Well, what does that mean?
他必须保持冷静 He needs to remain calm.
如果情绪过度激动或愤怒 If he gets overly agitated or angry
可能会引发另一次心脏病发作 it could trigger another heart attack.
可能会致命 Possibly be fatal.
那我们现在先道别吧 We'll say our goodbyes now.
我觉得“贴身热舞”最棒的部分 就是不停磨蹭 I think the best part of The Grind is all the grinding.
我们很幸运能活在跳舞基本上就是 We're blessed to live in a time when dancing is just
女生用屁股磨蹭男生牛仔裤 胯下那一区的年代 girls rubbing their butts against the dick area of guys' jeans.
病人很舒服地在休息 The patient is resting comfortably.
他没有因为只能吃蛋白而抓狂吗? He's not pissed about having to eat egg whites from now on?
我用黄色食用色素伪装了 Oh, I disguised them with yellow food coloring.
今晚我要用红色染料 And tonight, I'm gonna use red dye
让火鸡绞肉看起来像牛绞肉 to make the ground turkey look like ground beef.
这一定就是当间谍的感觉吧 This must be what it feels like to be a spy.
小翰,拜托转台 Oh, Johnny, please change the channel.
我不想让你爸听到这个 I don't want your father to hear this.
他称这种音乐为“入室行窃音乐” He calls it burglary music.
真是悦耳 Delightful.
“好,辛普森先生 请起立面向陪审团” All right, Mr. Simpson, would you please stand and face the jury?
天啊,他们好像要宣布判决了 Oh, my god. I think they're about to announce the verdict.
“本案陪审团一致裁定,被告” We, the jury in the above entitled action
find the defendant
“奥伦索尔詹姆斯辛普森 谋杀罪名不成立” Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty of the crime of murder.
靠,他真的全身而退了 Holy shit, he got away with it.
一年半的人生就这样过去了 Well, that was a year and a half of our lives.
这非常、非常糟 Oh, this is very, very bad.
至少这也许能给洛杉矶警局一个教训 Well, at least it might finally teach the LAPD a lesson.
麦提总是说OJ辛普森有罪 Matty's always talking about how guilty OJ is.
如果他发现这件事 他会气到爆,搞不好会要了他的命 If he finds out about this, he'll get so angry, it could kill him.
让他成为OJ辛普森的第三名受害者 Making him OJ's third victim.
麦提很快就会起来了 我们要怎么告诉他OJ辛普森的事? Well, Matty will be up soon. How do we tell him about OJ?
就跟他说小翰是同性恋 等他发现不是真的 Oh, let's tell him Johnny's gay. When he finds out it's not true
他会如释重负 根本不会在乎OJ辛普森 he'll be so relieved, he won't even care about OJ.
这个计划很蠢 That's a stupid plan.
但值得一试 Well, it's worth a try.
我们需要直排轮、单车短裤 Now we're gonna need rollerblades, bicycle shorts
还有一些拿来生气的冰淇淋 and some ice cream to get angry at.
什么意思? What does that mean?
因为冰淇淋要你吃掉它 Well, because the ice cream wants you to eat it.
但身材要顾好才有本钱搞事 But you've got to keep your body lean for shenanigans.
如果我们不告诉他呢? What if we don't tell him?
-什么? -他躺在床上 - What? - He's stuck in bed.
永远不会知道的 He'll never know.
他会知道的,房间里有电视 Yes, he will. There's a TV up there.
那是台老电视 It's a Zenith.
我们可以把线剪掉 跟他说有线电视坏了 We can cut the wires and tell him the cable's out.
什么,永远吗? What, forever?
不是永远,就到他好一点 能承受这消息为止 No, not forever.
Just until he's better and he can handle the news.
这样好像可行 That could work.
你是认真的吗? Are you serious?
布蕾尔,你也听医生说了 Blaire, you heard the doctor.
他要是一生气,会要了他的命 If he gets pissed off, it will kill him.
我不能失去我的麦提 Oh, I can't lose my Matty.
-没有他我会怎么活? -活得非常好? What would I do without him?
Thrive?
我觉得这一切都是我的错 I feel like this is all my fault.
要不是我这么懒散 Dad would have never had that heart attack
爸也不会气到心脏病发 if he hadn't been so upset about me being lazy.
布蕾尔,我们一定得这么做 Blaire, we've got to do this.
-好吧 -这不全是你的错,小翰 - Fine. - It's not all your fault, Johnny.
我看过他在冰淇淋甜筒上 放一球起酥油 I've seen him put a scoop of Crisco on an ice cream cone.
他真的很爱他的起酥油甜筒 He does love his "Cris-cones."
该死,苏珊! Goddamn it!
Susan!
麦提,怎么了? Matty, what's the matter?
电视有点问题 There's something wrong with the TV.
我什么都看不到! I can't get shit!
对了,那个…有线电视公司打电话来 Oh, yeah. The, uh... The cable company called.
他们说至少要停一个礼拜 They said it's gonna be out for at least a week.
那你为什么不看书? Why don't you read a book?
我是女人吗? What am I, a woman?
现在男人当护士 Guys are nurses.
男人看书 Men reading books.
还有珍妮特雷诺 Janet Reno.
这世界到底怎么了? What the fuck is going on with the world?
麦提,别生气 记得医生说要保持冷静 Matty, don't get upset. Remember, the doctor said to keep calm.
我想看新闻 I want to watch the news.
OJ辛普森的判决现在应该出来了 The OJ verdict's got to be out by now.
你知道吗?我打到崔摩酒吧看看 You know what? I'll call Trammel's.
也许有人听到消息了 Maybe somebody's heard something.
-他有罪 -什么? - He's guilty. - What?
对啊,爸,OJ辛普森被判有罪 正如你希望的那样 Yeah, Dad. OJ was found guilty, just like you were hoping.
所以你没理由生气 So, there's no reason to be upset.
那你们他妈的为何不告诉我? Why the hell didn't you guys tell me?
我本来… I was...
打算等你尿完便盆再告诉你 gonna tell you after you filled your bedpan.
作为奖励 As a reward.
天啊!
Oh, man!
我真希望能看到宣判时 Oh, I... I wish I could have seen the look on OJ's face
OJ辛普森的表情 when they read that verdict.
看吧,布蕾尔?就连你的黑人陪审团 都同意我对警察的看法 See, Blaire? Even your Black jury agrees with me about the cops.
你现在一定觉得自己很蠢 You've got to feel pretty fucking stupid right now.
我… Oh, I...
觉得自己很蠢 feel stupid.
天啊,我等不及要看明天的报纸了 Man. I can't wait to read about this in tomorrow's paper.
-什么? -对,明天一早 - What? - Yeah, bring it to me
第一件事就拿给我看 first thing in the morning.
你知道吗? 他…他们搞不好根本不会报导 You know what? They... They might not even cover it.
他们当然会报导 Of course they're gonna cover it.
这是今年最大的新闻 It's the biggest news story of the year.
对,这是无法避免的 Right, there's no getting around that.
现在我就先用收音机听新闻好了 In the meantime, I can just listen to the news on the radio.
糟糕
手滑啦 Oh, butter fingers.
就像是…他手上都是奶油 It's like... He's got butter on... all over your fingers.
因为刚刚发生的事 With what just happened.
对吧?去洗洗手指,好吗? Right?
Go wash your fingers. Huh?
去洗你的手指 Go wash your fingers.
我们已经回到该死的学校了 也太快了吧 Well, we're already back in fucking school.
That didn't take long.
对,真不敢相信闯进这地方这么容易 Yeah, I can't believe how easy it was to break into this place.
是啊,大概也很容易进来 Yeah. Probably be easy to come in
放一堆炸药,杀光所有人 set a bunch of explosives, kill everybody.
我的老天,泰迪 Jesus fucking Christ, Teddy.
干嘛?我是在说这是个漏洞 我在指出问题,我是在帮忙 What? I'm saying it's a flaw. I'm... I'm pointing it out. I'm helping.
说真的,你到底有什么毛病… Seriously, what the fuck is wrong...
拜托,小翰 Oh, come on, Johnny. You know I'm a good guy.
你知道我是好人,你看过我的宣言 You've seen my manifesto.
太棒了,这里应有尽有 Oh, sweet, they got everything we need.
你确定我们真的能搞定? We sure we can pull this off?
当然可以 Oh, totally.
做一份假报纸有多难? How hard can it be to make a fake newspaper?
不就一个大标题写 “OJ辛普森有罪” I mean, it's just a big headline that says "OJ Guilty"
再加一堆屁话,说什么正义终于伸张 and then a bunch of bullshit about how justice was served.
小翰,报纸可不只一篇新闻 Johnny, there's more to a paper than one article.
真正的报纸有体育版 Real papers have sports sections
美食评论、漫画 还有那个拼单词游戏 and restaurant reviews and comics and Jumble.
那种很不好玩的文字游戏 That scrambled word game that's no fun
而且比你想象中难多了 and way harder than you think it will be.
该死,你说得对 Shit, you're right.
我们有很多事要做 We got a lot of work to do.
没错,今晚还有漫漫长夜等着我们 Exactly. Now, we got a long night ahead of us.
我想要五百字介绍大开掘计划 I want 500 words on the Big Dig.
给我送我蛋沙拉三明治的女孩呢? And where's the girl with my egg salad sandwich?
马上来,屁妹 Right away, queef.
好,我们来阻止我爸挂掉吧 All right, let's keep my dad from dying.
嘿,爸 Hey, Dad.
你好吗? How you doing?
无聊死了 Bored as shit.
准备振作吧,因为今天的报纸来了 Well, get ready to cheer up, because here's today's paper.
比平常薄了一点 A little thinner than usual.
报社的人可能太专注于主要部分 Well, the newspaper people were probably so focused on the main part
所以其他版面来不及做 that they ran out of time for the other stuff.
或者也许有人打混 Or maybe someone was goofing off
不小心把电脑插头拔掉 几个小时的成果全没了 accidentally unplugged the computer, and they lost hours of work.
也可能那个人只是想发泄一下 Well, maybe that person needed to blow off some steam
因为他的编辑把他逼得太紧了 because his editor was riding him so hard.
也许编辑不爽得被迫雇用老板的侄子 Maybe the editor resents having to hire the owner's nephew.
也可能那个记者 已经好几周没见到他的孩子了 Well, maybe that writer hasn't seen his kid in fucking weeks
因为编辑根本是血汗奴隶主 because the editor is such a goddamn slave driver.
也许这个城市充满了 前途无量的年轻记者 Maybe this city's full of promising young journalists
很乐意马上接替他的位子! who'd be happy to take his fucking seat in a second!
顺便一路吸几根老二! Maybe suck a dick or two along the way.
看看这个! Look at this!
“辛普森因谋杀一名金发女士” "Simpson was found guilty of murdering a blonde lady
“和另一名男子被判有罪 因为绝对是他干的” and another guy, because he totally did it
“觉得不是的人都是白痴” and anyone that thinks different is an idiot."
完全跟我说的一样 Just like I been saying.
对,几乎一字不差 Yeah, almost word for word.
来看看还有什么新闻吧 Let's see what else is happening, huh?
“红袜队获胜让洋基队球迷哭泣” "Sox Win Makes Yankees Fans Cry."
“联合国宣布美国真的赢了越战” "UN Declares America Did Win Vietnam."
终于有好消息了 Finally, a good news day.
还有这个 And look at this.
“珍芳达承认:我是个垃圾” "Jane Fonda Admits 'I'm a Piece of Shit.'"
如果你想找笑料 也许可以看看连环漫画 If you're looking for a chuckle, maybe check out the comic strip.
连环漫画 Comic strip.
“捣蛋一家”?这是什么? "The Galumphs"? What's this?
这是新连载,但听说评价不错 Uh, it's new, but I've been hearing good things.
好像是在讲一个叫加兰夫的家庭 Apparently, it's about a family called the Galumphs
一天到晚闹事 who get into all sorts of mischief
但最后还是相亲相爱 but love each other at the end of the day.
画得不怎么样 It's not drawn too good.
对,本来就不是走精致路线 那就是它的魅力 Yeah, it's not supposed to be slick. That's part of the charm.
他…他带了一张… 他带了张沙滩椅去监理所 He... He brought a... He brought a beach chair to the DMV.
他知道会在那里待上一整天
He knows he's gonna be there all day.
经典的加兰夫 Classic Galumphs.
好啦,我们不打扰你了 All right, we'll leave you to it.
好好享受克林顿痔疮的文章吧 Enjoy that article about Clinton's hemorrhoids.
嘿,明天也别忘了带报纸给我 Hey. Don't forget to bring me tomorrow's newspaper too.
-明天? -对啊 - Tomorrow? - Yeah.
我相信到时候应该就会有所有版面了 I'm sure they'll have all the sections by then.
我想知道加兰夫家接下来又会搞什么 I want to know what these Galumphs get up to next.
对,我也是 Yeah, me too.
我们可能需要点帮手 We're gonna need some help.
好,这是明天报纸的头条 All right. Here's the headline for tomorrow's paper.
“蹲厕所40分钟相当于跑两英里” "Forty Minutes on Toilet Equal to Running Two Miles."
这太棒了 Oh, this is terrific.
布蕾尔,财经版进度如何? Blaire, how's the business section coming?
我刚写完一篇 关于性别薪资差异的报导 I just finished a piece on gender-based pay discrepancy.
你疯了吗?我不能刊登这个 Are you fucking crazy? I can't print this.
这些都是真的 女性每赚一块钱,只拿到七毛二 It's all true. Women make 72 cents on the dollar.
我才不在乎真相 I don't give a shit about the truth.
我们是在努力让麦提活着 We're trying to keep Matty alive.
所以我们要在他身边创造一个泡泡 So, we're just gonna create a bubble around him where all he ever hears
让他听到的永远都是 强化他扭曲世界观的新闻? is news that reinforces his warped world view?
-差不多 -给我一些我能用的东西 - Pretty much. - Give me something I can use.
比如“科学证实女性开车技术较差” Like "Scientists Prove Women Worse Drivers"
或者“用零钱给小费已绰绰有余” or "Tipping With Change Is More Than Enough."
为什么你们自己不写? Why can't one of you guys do it?
不行,我在写一篇超大的专题 No, I'm working on a huge story.
“根本没必要开暖气” "There's No Reason to Turn the Heat On."
我还得想好明天的“捣蛋一家” And I've still got to figure out tomorrow's Galumphs.
好吧,这个怎样? Okay. How about this?
加里加兰夫叫他老婆打扮得漂漂亮亮 说要去吃高级晚餐 Gary Galumph tells his wife to get all gussied up for a fancy dinner
结果带她去超市吃免费试吃 and then he takes her to the grocery store
to fill up on free samples.
我在笑,但还没笑出来 I'm smiling, but I'm not laughing yet.
好,那这个呢? Okay. Uh, is this anything?
加里加兰夫在跑步机上跑步 Gary Galumph is on the treadmill
镜头一拉远 才发现他脚上穿的是直排轮 and then we cut wider to reveal that he's on roller skates.
昨天“伊德王国”好像玩过类似的 Eh, they did something similar in yesterday's Wizard of Id.
好吧,格拉蒂斯加兰夫 当上市府的卫生稽查员 All right. Gladys Galumph becomes a health inspector for the city
她在某家餐厅的厨房里 and she finds a cockroach
发现了一只蟑螂 in the kitchen of one of the restaurants.
她正要把店停业,蟑螂却说 And before she can shut the place down, the cockroach says
“不好意思,女士,我是老板” "Excuse me, ma'am, I'm the owner."
好…画…干,快画 Yes... Draw... Fuck. Draw.
(“波士顿环球报”)
(非洲向全世界宣告: 饥饿是我们的事)
Well, someone's feeling better.
看来有人感觉好多了
你看这个… Look at this...
“希拉里克林顿在小便斗被目击” "Hillary Clinton Spotted at Urinal."
我就知道! I fucking knew it!
爸,你有看今天的“捣蛋一家”吗? Hey, Dad, did you see today's Galumphs?
是目前最好笑的一篇 The best one so far.
我跟你说,只要狗戴上太阳眼镜 I'll tell you. Anytime a dog wears sunglasses
都会引起我的注意 you got my attention.
我从来没看过你笑得这么多 但又没真的笑出来 I don't think I've ever seen you smile
but not quite laugh so much.
这世界终于说得通了,苏珊 Well, the world finally makes sense, Susan.
OJ辛普森罪有应得 OJ got what he deserved.
红袜队又连胜 The Sox are on a winning streak.
唯一的问题是 该死的有线电视还没修好 You know, the only problem is, the damn cable's still out.
管他的 我去打电话问他们怎么这么久 Fuck it. I'm gonna call and see what's taking them so long.
等等,不用,其实不用打,因为… Oh, wait. Uh, no, actually. You don't have to do that because...
-他们明天会过来 -终于 - they're coming by tomorrow. - Finally.
约翰,如果我们修好有线电视 John, if we fix the cable, he's gonna find out about OJ.
他就会知道OJ辛普森的事
如果我们自己做新闻呢? Well, what if we make our own news?
学校里有很多录影设备 We've got all that video equipment at school.
我们只需要找个演员 We just need to find an actor.
很不幸,我们正好认识一个 Sadly, we know one.
请进 Come in.
你们两个想干嘛? What do you two want?
有件事你大概从来没听过 Here's something you've probably never heard before.
我们想再请你一次 We'd like to hire you again.
听我说,我很想帮你们 Well, look, I'd love to help you out
但我有个严格的原则,我不接续集 but I have a strict rule against sequels.
-是吗? -对,没错 - Oh, do you? - Yeah, I do.
我最讨厌看到像 哈里森福特、帕西诺这种… I hate seeing actors like Harrison Ford, Pacino...
不是没有才华的演员 guys not without talent...
为了赚快钱把一切都毁掉 throwing it all away for a quick buck.
-这不是那种…层级的东西 -对 - This is not a... level. - Yeah. No.
-这是比较… -简单许多的东西 - This is something much simpler. - It's not like that.
不是那样的 这是一个新角色,是新闻主播 - It's a new role. It's a newscaster. - Yeah.
继续说 Go on.
-这有点… -对,就这样 - That's sort of... Yeah. - Yeah, that's it.
对,就是这个角色 Yeah. That's the role.
这个新闻主播可以有个儿子吗? Uh, could this newscaster have a son?
在医院? Uh, in the hospital?
可以啊 Uh, yeah.
好啊,我想可以吧 - Sure. - I mean, I guess.
所以他的工作对他如此重要 That's why his job means so much to him.
看新闻是他卧病在床的儿子 Watching the news is the only way his bedridden son can feel
唯一能和外界保持连结的方式 connected to the outside world.
父亲那张令人安心的脸 成为黑暗中的一盏明灯 With the comforting face of his father
as a beacon in the dark.
-其实我们不太需要… -你知道吗? - Yeah, we don't really need, uh... - You know what?
我可以在未来的快转画面里扮演儿子 I could play the son in a flash forward.
我们不是在拍电影 Yeah, we're not making a movie here.
而且我觉得我们得大胆一点 And I feel like we need to be daring.
这个主播正在挣扎于自己的性向 This newscaster is grappling with his own sexuality
因此 and as a result
他一直无法和儿子有真诚的互动 he's never been able to have an authentic moment with his son.
-而现在可能已经太迟了 -对 - And now, it might be too late. - Right.
因为他得了癌症 Because of the cancer.
天啊 Oh, my god.
人们就是这样赢得奥斯卡奖的 I mean, this is how people win Oscars.
-没错 -嘿… - Bingo. - Hey...
你到底在干嘛? The fuck are you doing?
-怎样? -别鼓励他 - What? - Don't encourage this.
性爱场面应该要很暧昧不明 And the sex scenes should be, uh, ambiguous.
对他来说,性是一个过不去的坎 I mean, sex to him is a rubicon.
我希望性爱场面只提出问题 不给任何答案 I want the sex scenes to raise questions
but provide no answers.
-好,这有点越来… -我愿意在镜头前做爱 - Yeah, this is getting kind of... - I'm willing to have sex on camera.
好,听着 我们其实还有另一个角色需要你演 Okay, look. There's also another role we need you to play.
人分饰两角?天啊,我喜欢 另一个角色是什么? Dual roles? Oh, wow, I'm loving this. What's the other part?
是来家里修有线电视的维修工 It's a cable guy who comes to the house to fix the cable.
我可以…提个想法吗? Could I, uh... Could I pitch you something?
-当然 -准备好了吗? - Sure. - Ready?
-好了 -他是智障 - Yeah. - He's retarded.
-不行 -行啦 - No. - Oh, yeah.
-不行 -彻底没救的那种 - No. - He's full-blown
一颗轮子陷在沙子里 one wheel in the sand.
对我们一点帮助都没有 Doesn't help us at all.
好,记住 只要把录影带放进录放影机 Okay. Now remember, just put the tape in the VCR
假装在修有线电视就好 and pretend to fix the cable.
没问题,老大 Sure thing, guv'nah.
我刚从英国搬来,想在这展开新人生 I just moved here from old Blighty, looking to start a new life.
不…我们说好了 直接他妈进屋子就对了 No... We talked about this. Just get in the fucking house.
还有不准跛脚! And no limps!
嘿,爸 Hey, Dad.
你看我们在门口遇到谁了? Look who we just ran into out on the steps.
有线电视维修工 It's the cable guy.
也该是时候了 Oh, about goddamn time.
你能把有线电视修好吗? Can you fix the cable?
-可以,兄弟,我能修好有线电视 -不…给我去工作 Yeah, blood, I can fix the cable.
No... Get the fuck to work.
今天报纸上有什么好消息吗? Anything good in the paper today?
袋鼠是假的 Kangaroos are fake.
我就说吧 Fucking called it.
什么?不是假的 What? No, they're not.
奥莉薇亚纽顿强都承认了 Olivia Newton-John admitted it.
好好教育自己,布蕾尔 Educate yourself, Blaire.
太棒了! Fucking A.
世界终于变好了,我却被困在家 The world's finally getting good, and I'm stuck at home.
也许我该出去走走 Maybe I should go for a walk.
-不… -不行…还是在家里好 - Oh, no... - No... Home is better.
好,修好了 Okay. All finished.
天啊,还真快 Wow, that was fast.
那我去开电视好了 Guess I'll go turn on the TV.
“晚安,我是查德方斯沃思 而这是…” Good evening. I'm Chad Farnsworth and this...
-“你的世界” -这家伙是谁? - is your world. - Who the hell is this?
我从没见过这个人 I've never seen this guy before.
他看起来很复杂 He seems complicated.
“今日头条 OJ辛普森仍被关在牢里” Our top story... OJ Simpson is still behind bars, where, reportedly
“据说他每晚都哭着入睡” he cries himself to sleep each night.
他妈的太爽了! Fucking yes!
“当被问到重启恶魔岛是否太极端” Asked if reopening Alcatraz is a little extreme
“加州州长表示 ‘对这个禽兽来说不会’” the California governor said, "Not for this monster."
阿门 Amen.
“现在把镜头交给 气象主播海莉史诺登” And now, let's check in with our weather girl
Haley Snowden.
“海莉,周末的天气预报如何?” Haley, what's the weather forecast for the weekend look like?
“不太好,查德” Not so good, Chad.
“除非你是只鸭子” Unless you're a duck.
“说得好,海莉” Good one, Haley.
“我们上床了” We're sleeping together.
“我的手都离不开她” I can't keep my hands off her.
“上班的时候也是” Not even at work.
“没错” Oh, yeah.
“我的天啊” Oh, my gosh.
“自从我太太过世后 我就没有过这种感觉” I haven't felt like this since my wife died.
好,够了
Okay, that's enough of that.
我们完蛋了 We're fucked.
爸明天又会期待看新闻 Dad's gonna be expecting another newscast tomorrow.
这就是我们的人生了,小翰 Well, that's our life now, Johnny.
每天准备日报和晚间新闻 Preparing a daily paper and nightly news.
我们是两人媒体帝国 We are a two-man media empire.
顺带一提,我把布蕾尔开除了 她要告我们 Oh, and by the way, I fired Blaire. She's suing us.
你们有看到麦提吗? Have you boys seen Matty?
他不在卧室,我哪里都找不到他 He's not in the bedroom and I can't find him anywhere.
没有 No.
他不在车库,也不在地下室 Hey, he's not in the garage or the basement.
他的外套不见了,但车还在 His coat's gone, but the car is still here.
他一定是出去散步了 He... He must have gone for a walk.
糟了,他跑到外面的世界了 Oh, shit. He's out in the world.
他可能会知道真相,再度心脏病发 He could learn the truth and have another heart attack.
嘿,不觉得那些假袋鼠很扯吗? Hey, how about those fucking fake kangaroos, huh?
什么? What?
(“波士顿环球报” 辛普森享受自由)
-不好意思,先生? -什么事? - Excuse me, sir? - Yeah?
先生,我们在为第六频道新闻 做街头访问 Sir, we're doing a man-on-the-street interview for Channel Six News.
你愿意提供你的意见吗? Would you be willing to give your opinion?
当然 Always.
我们想知道 你对OJ辛普森的判决有何看法 We're wondering how you feel about the OJ verdict.
我爱死了,这让我以身为美国人为荣 Oh, I love it. Makes me proud to be an American.
-真的吗? -当然 - Really? - Absolutely.
如果我是陪审团的一员 也会做出一样的判决 I would have done the exact same thing
if I was on that jury.
对于有人说这个判决带有种族动机 你怎么看? What about those who say the verdict was racially motivated?
鬼扯,在我看来 Bullshit. As far as I'm concerned
OJ辛普森正好得到他应得的下场 OJ is getting exactly what he deserves.
好的,谢谢你拨冗受访 Okay, well, thank you for your time.
嘿,你能相信你们的气象小姐 在跟主播上床吗? Hey. Can you believe your weather lady's
fucking the anchor?
(酒吧)
嘿,麦提,好几天没看到你了 Hey, Matty. Ain't seen you in a few days.
-最近在忙什么? -我心脏病发作 - What you been up to? - I had a heart attack.
对,他们在我动脉里装了支架 Yeah. They had to put a fucking stent in my artery.
是吗?我也有一个 Oh, yeah? I got one of those.
对啊,我现在几乎全是支架了 Yeah, I'm mostly stent at this point.
他们有帮你做临终祷告吗? They give you Last Rites?
-没有 -那就别跟我讲这些了 - No. - Then don't fucking bore me.
嘿,OJ辛普森的判决怎么样? Hey. How about that OJ verdict, huh?
别提了,我到现在还气得要命 Oh, don't remind me. I'm still pissed off about it.
为什么?这次他们总算判对了 Why? For once, they got it right.
你在跟我开玩笑吗? 整件事都被操纵了 Are you shitting me? The whole thing was rigged.
好吧,可能有一点 Well, maybe a little.
但你知道,有时候为了让事情公平 But you know, sometimes, you've got to put your thumb on the scales
正义的天秤就是得被人偷偷压一下 of justice just to make sure things turn out fair.
正义?你根本不知道自己在说什么 Justice? You don't know what you're fucking talking about.
-我怎么会不知道! -嘿… - The hell I don't! - Hey...
我还有其他客人,好吗? I got other customers here, huh?
对,你说得对 Yeah, you're right.
我们不该吵架 We shouldn't be bickering.
我们听起来像加里和格拉蒂斯加兰夫 We... We sound like Gary and Gladys Galumph.
-谁? -连环漫画里的角色 - Who? - From the comic strip.
没听过 Never heard of it.
每天报纸都有 It's in the paper every day.
我看是他们把支架装到你脑袋里了 I think they put that stent in your fucking brain.
那个“捣蛋一家”啊! The... The fucking Galumphs!
天啊,“格拉蒂斯,我的老腰” 那个“捣蛋一家”啊 Jesus Christ. You know, "Oh, Gladys, my aching back!" The Galumphs!
我他妈完全不知道你在讲什么! I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!
他们要拍电影了,找罗西奥唐纳演! They're making a movie with Rosie O'Donnell!
麦提,谢天谢地,原来你在这里 Oh, Matty! Thank God. There you are.
爸,我们到处找你 Dad, we've been looking all over for you.
亲爱的,你得回家,你需要休息 Honey, you've got to come home. You need your rest.
我不想走,我才刚拿到啤酒 I don't want to go. I just got my beer.
你得带他离开这里,苏珊 他在胡言乱语 You've got to get him out of here, Susan. He's talking fucking crazy.
-走吧,麦提 -我…他才他妈的疯了 - Come on, Matty. - I'm talk... He's fucking crazy!
他居然没听过“捣蛋一家” He's never heard of the fucking Galumphs!
根本没有什么“捣蛋一家”,混蛋! There ain't no Galumphs, asshole!
你当然不知道 你他妈根本不阅读,白痴! You wouldn't know! You don't fucking read, you dumb fuck!
我看“加菲猫” 像个正常人一样,猪头! I read Garfield like a regular fucking human being, fuck-face!
去他的加菲猫,去你的! Fuck Garfield and fuck you!
你当初就该被射在嘴里,王八蛋! You should have been a fucking blowjob, asshole!
你怎么不再去小便斗拉屎,酒鬼! Why don't you go shit in another urinal, you drunk fuck!
把他带走! Get him out of here!
不过很高兴你好多了 Glad you're doing better though.
他睡着了 He's asleep.
刚刚真他妈惊险 Well, that was a close fucking call.
你们,这太疯狂了 You guys, this is insane.
我们必须告诉他真相 We have to tell him the truth.
太冒险了 It's too risky.
而且我已经开始画 明天的“捣蛋一家”了 Plus, I already started working on tomorrow's Galumphs.
因为通货膨胀 加里万圣节要扮成他自己 Gary goes as himself for Halloween because of inflation.
也许我们应该再等一阵子 Maybe we should wait a little while longer.
-等他恢复体力 -不,这他妈太夸张了! - Until he gets his strength back. - No, this is fucking crazy!
他都走路去崔摩酒吧了 He walked to Trammel's.
这是他多年来运动量最大的一次 That's the most exercise he's gotten in years.
他没事 他差点为了该死的“加菲猫” He's fine. He almost got in a fistfight over
跟人打架,还活得好好的 fucking Garfield and survived.
但他在享受他的新生活 But he's enjoying his new life.
拜托,布蕾尔 Please, Blaire.
我们只要永远骗他,他就会很快乐 All we have to do is lie to him forever
and he'll be happy.
有人吗? Hello?
我是来跟人见面的,有人在吗? I... I'm supposed to meet somebody here.
Hello?
我有些你可能会想知道的信息 I have some information you might want.
-布蕾尔? -是我 - Blaire? - Yes.
我们来这里干嘛? What the fuck are we doing here?
他们知道你出来了吗? Do they know you're gone?
不知道,我照纸条说的 从浴室窗户爬出来的 No. I... I climbed out the bathroom window
like the note said.
到底发生什么事? What the fuck is going on?
其他家人不想让你看到这个,但… The rest of the family doesn't want you to see this, but...
我无法继续活在谎言里 I can't keep living a lie.
(“波士顿环球报” OJ辛普森无罪)
这是什么?恶搞报纸吗? What's this? Some kind of joke paper?
不,麦提 No, Matty.
这才是真正的报纸 It's the real newspaper.
OJ辛普森是自由之身 OJ is a free man.
-什么? -把剩下的读完 - What? - Read the rest.
上面说克里夫兰在季后赛横扫红袜队 It... It says Cleveland swept the Red Sox out of the playoffs.
他们当然输了,他们可是红袜队 Of course they lost. They're the Red Sox.
你在耍我吧! You're fucking with me!
看看漫画版 Look at the funnies.
“捣蛋一家”! The Galumphs!
“捣蛋一家”在哪里? Where are the fucking Galumphs?
没有“捣蛋一家”,麦提 There are no Galumphs, Matty.
但希拉里克林顿的老二是真的吧? But... But Hillary Clinton.
Her dick was real, right?
不是,她有阴道 No. She has a vagina.
该死,天啊… Fuck...
Oh, my...
你看,他是新闻里的那个人! Hey, look, that's the guy from the news!
嘿,谢谢你为OJ辛普森说话 Hey! Thanks for sticking up for OJ!
什…什么? Wha... What?
你是全波士顿最黑的白人! You're the Blackest White man in Boston!
-我打电话叫救护车 -不要 - I'll call an ambulance. - No.
让我死吧 Let me die.
麦提,谢天谢地你没事,我吓坏了 Oh, Matty. Thank God you're okay. I was so scared.
我没事 I'm fine.
其实我开始有点习惯心脏病发作了 I'm actually starting to get used to these heart attacks.
下一次应该轻松多了 Next one should be a breeze.
你不准再心脏病发了 Oh, you're not allowed to have any more heart attacks.
我们会长长久久地在一起 We're gonna have a... a long life together.
我爱你,麦提贝内特 I love you, Matty Bennett.
我也爱你,苏珊 I love you too, Susan.
对不起,麦提叔叔 I'm sorry, Uncle Matty.
我以为告诉你真相是对的 I thought telling you the truth was the right thing to do.
我没想到你这么… I didn't realize you were so...
根深蒂固 entrenched.
总之 Anyways... yeah, I'm sorry.
-对不起 -不,都是我的错 No, it's all my fault.
这整件事的起因 是因为我是个白吃白喝的废物 This whole thing started because I'm a freeloading fuck-up.
后来我又骗了你,把事情搞得更糟 Then I fucked it up even worse by tricking you.
你会生气我一点也不怪你 I don't blame you for being pissed.
你在开玩笑吗?我没有生气 Are you kidding? I'm not pissed.
我是他妈的佩服 I'm fucking impressed.
-什么? -对啊 - What? - Yeah.
你连续一周每天做一份报纸 You made a whole newspaper every day for a week.
靠,那是… Shit, it was some of the best sports writing
那是我多年来看过最棒的体育报导
I've read in years.
还有那些新闻 And... And the news.
小翰,你创造了一整个世界 一个我想生活的世界 Johnny, you created an entire world. A world I want to live in.
一个红袜队不烂的世界 Where the Red Sox don't suck.
一个麦当娜已经死了的世界 Where Madonna is dead.
一个美国白人 终于能得到公平对待的世界 And where a White guy in America can finally get a fair shake.
-可以给我一些吗啡吗? -当然 - Could I get some morphine? - Sure.
我跟你一起 I'll join you.
对,那是谎言,但是… Yeah, it was a lie, but...
它给了我可以相信的东西! it gave me something to believe in!
如果你能做到这些 And if you can do all that...
我知道你只要下定决心 什么都做得到 I know you can do anything you set your mind to.
其实算是两个人的合作 It was kind of a two-man operation.
所以你不觉得我是废物? So, you don't think I'm a fuck-up?
你很有潜力,小翰 You got potential, Johnny.
我以你为荣 I'm proud of you.
谢谢你,爸 Thanks, Dad.
天啊 Oh, man.
突然有种感觉,高中真的结束了 It's just starting to hit me that high school is really over.
是啊,没得否认 Yeah, there's no denying it.
你跟我现在都是负责任的成年人了 You and I are now responsible, adult members of society.
把那个水烟壶拿来 Hand me that bong.
我们大概很快就会搬出去住了 We'll probably end up getting our own place soon.
你觉得妈还会过来帮我们洗衣服 You think Mom will still come over to, like
打扫之类的吗? do our laundry and clean up and shit?
他妈的当然不会 Abso-fucking-lutely not.
她说得对,小翰 She's right, Johnny.
我们现在是大人了 We're grown-ups now.
我们把脏衣服拿去给苏珊洗 We'll bring the laundry to Susan.
我看我们干脆当工业大亨 I say we become industrial bigwigs.
办公室就设在世贸大楼 With an office in the World Trade Center.
两间办公室,一栋一个 Two offices. One in each tower.
再来个五角大厦的卫星办公室 And a satellite office in the Pentagon
接那些肥到不行的政府标案 for all those fat government contracts.
还有度假用的避暑别墅 And a summer home for vacations.
我听说宾州有很多很棒的空地 I hear they got some great open land in Pennsylvania.
什么都阻止不了我们 Ah, nothing will stop us.
我觉得你们可能要把期待调低一点 I think you guys might need to lower your expectations a little bit.
才不要 Oh, nuh-uh.
你听到我爸说了 只要我下定决心,什么都做得到 You heard my dad. I can do anything I set my mind to.
我可以上大学、发明东西 I can go to college, invent something...
前途无量 The sky's the limit.
所以你打算做什么? So, what are you gonna do?
你确定这是你想要的吗? You sure this is what you want?
我这辈子从没这么确定过 Never been more sure of anything in my life.
(波士顿健身房)
我要练到超壮 I'm gonna get totally ripped.
你是说正常水准的身材吗? You mean like a normal level of in-shape?
不是,是超壮 No. Like, really ripped.
肌肉发达到爱我的人会担心的程度 Like, so muscular that people who love me are concerned.
我支持你这个目标 I support you in this endeavor.
走吧 Let's go.
“而约翰也真的练到爆壮” And John did, indeed, get massively "swole."
“有整整七年的时间 他从没穿过衬衫” There was a seven-year period where he never once wore a shirt.
“最后他娶了一个很酷的女孩” Eventually, he married a really cool girl.
“但他们离婚了 接着又遇到另一个很酷的女孩” But they got divorced, and he met another cool girl.
“你知道吗? 这件事拍成了两部电影” You know what? There are two movies about it.
“去看就对了” Just watch them.
“看第一部就好” Well, the first one.
“第二部也有好笑的地方 大多在前半段” The second one has funny moments, most of them in the first half.
“但连我自己都没办法从头坐到尾” But even I can't sit still for the whole thing.
“总之,接下来是片尾名单” Anyway, here's the end credits.
本季终
谢谢观赏