I'm just going to get some flowers, dear. I'll be back in 20 minutes.
It's tulip season today and I'm so happy.
Son of a bitch. - Come on, sweetie.
Come on, sweetie.
Come on now, sweetheart.
Go for a little ride, then you can whiz all over the city.
Come on, go for a ride.
No. Freeze.
Leg down. Leg down.
That's it. Come on.
No. You monkey-eared son of a...
You have pissed your last floor.
I'll bet you wish you were a real...
You dog-eared monkey.
This is New York. If you can make it here you can make it anywhere.
Verdell?
Where's my good doggie? Verdell?
Come here, sweetheart.
Mr. Udall?
Have you seen Verdell? - What does he look like?
My dog. You know... My dog with the little adorable face.
Don't you know what my dog looks like? - Oh, I got it! You were talking about your dog.
I thought it was the name of that coloured man I've been seeing in the hall.
Which colour was that?
Oh, like thick molasses with a broad nose.
Perfect for smelling prison food. - Frank.
You have got to get dressed. - Frank Sachs. Melvin Udall.
Frank shows my work, Mr. Udall. Yeah, I think you know that.
What I know is, as long as you keep your work zipped up, around me, --
I don't give a rat's crap what or where you shove your show.
Are we done being neighbours for now?
Let me talk to... - No. No. Not worth it. Definitely not worth it.
Hope you find him. Love that dog. 34.5
You don't love anything, Mr. Udall.
One, two, three, four, five.
Hot. Hot, hot, hot.
Frank, so where is he? - Take it easy. He had a thing with the dog.
First of all, it's not such a hot looking dog. - He's adorable.
My honey. Where have you been?
Look at my boy.
Yeah, I found him, Mr. Bishop. - We know you did.
Where was my little baby?
ln the basement garbage bin eating diaper shit.
Go ahead, John, you earned your fun. - Sorry. It just struck me as funny.
How did he get down in the basement? I mean, even if he got in the elevator...
Maybe some nice neighbour shoved him down the garbage chute.
'Somewhere in the dark she had confessed and he had forgiven.'
'This is what you live for, he said.'
'Two heads on a pillow. Where all is approval.'
'And there is only the safety of being with each other.'
'How, she wondered, could she find such hope in the most shameful part of her?'
SIMON: Mr. Udall. - 'At last, she was able to define love.'
'Love was...'
Mr. Udall, I'd like to speak to you. Let me do this by myself.
'Love was...' - Are you in there?
Son of a bitch! Pansy-assed stool-pusher.
Yes?
Maybe this can wait.
I -- I found -- I found Verdell, Mr. Udall.
Well... That's a load off.
Did you... uh... Did you do something to him?
Do you realize that I work at home? - Uh, no, I wasn't aware.
Do you like to be interrupted when you're nancying around in your little garden?
No, I actually turn the ringer off on my phone.
And sometimes put a piece of cardboard... - Well, I work all the time.
So never, never interrupt me. Okay?
Not if there's a fire. Not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home,
and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body,
and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick you think you're gonna faint.
Even then, don't come knocking.
Or, if it's election night and you're excited and you want to celebrate,
because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first queer president.
And he's going to have you down to Camp David,
and you want someone to share the moment with.
Even then, don't knock. Not on this door.
Not for any reason.
Do you get me, sweetheart?
Yes. It's not a subtle point that you're making.
Okay, then.
So, now he will think twice before messing with me.
Alright... 'Love was...'
What was love?
'Love was...'
Now I am really pissed.
Oooh! Don't touch! Don't touch!
Shut up. You think you can intimidate the whole world with your attitude, but you don't intimidate me.
I grew up in hell, homeboy. My grandmother had more attitude.
Police! Doughnut-munching morons! Help me!
Assault and battery! And you're black!
I like Simon! I like him enough to batter you unrecognizable,
if you verbally abuse him or so much as touch that dog again.
Meantime... I'm gonna think of some way that you can make it up to him.
I hate doing this! I'm an art dealer.
Have a nice day.
Okay! Party.
Don't touch. - Get a life.
- Watch it.
Look at you. You're all better, eh? - It's that new medication.
You know all my son's stuff, right? No, no, no. I've got a date tonight.
I'm walking out the door, he says, 'I promise not to get one of my fevers or coughs.'
Isn't that sweet? - A little blond angel.
I said, 'You love me the way you love your remote control.'
That's great.
People that talk in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch.
Eat up. - Good. Stay there, I've got your money.
You pay me next week. - I owe you and I told you today. That's the rule.
Excuse me, Melvin.
There you go. You take care. - Thank you.
Pardon me. Pardon me. Take the money. Debts make me crazy
Take a cab home and get ready for the date. - Ready is not my problem.
I'm starving. - Go on. You know you're not allowed back here.
Spence is more excited about it than I am.
Sometimes, these kids, you just want to...
I've got Jews at my table. - It's not your table. It's the place's table. Behave.
Just once you can sit at someone else's station.
Or you can wait your turn.
How much more you got to eat?
Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh? -What?
That's it. Forget it. I don't care how many hicks buy his books...
Let's go.
He's barred for life.
They left. - Yeah, what do you know?
Bryan says, he doesn't care how long you've been coming, you ever act like this again you're barred for life.
I'm gonna miss the excitement, but I'll handle it.
Three eggs, over easy.
Two sausage, six strips of bacon with fries... - Fries today?
A short stack. Coffee with cream and sweetener.
You're gonna die soon, with that diet, you know that?
Ah, we're all gonna die. I will, you will, and it sure sounds like your son will.
If you ever mention my son again...
...you will never be able to eat here again. Do you understand?
Give me some sign you understand, or leave now.
Do you understand me, you crazy fuck?
Do you?
Yes...
Okay, I'll get your order.
Why don't you wear my earrings tonight?
What you said at dinner was just so interesting. You said it like it was nothing.
Where's the bedroom? - This is sort of it...
I sort of sleep in here.
Don't worry about it.
What?
I don't know.
Grandma...
Maybe you better check. - What did you think I was going to do?
I'm sorry. I was hearing everything...
I put these on to give you privacy.
So, how was dinner?
How was your friend? - Are you okay? Got a temperature? Scootch over.
Where did he take you to eat? - A nice place.
Carol -- I have him...
One more spit? - Carol, I said I have him. He's waiting.
Go.
Give me a hug. - Carol.
Carol, I have him. - She has me, mom. Go.
Close the curtains.
No, no. You can't smoke! He can't take smoke.
Magic.
God. That'll teach you. I don't even notice it any more.
Come here.
It's alright, just a little bit of throw-up. - 'Little bit of throw-up'?
Well, what shall we do?
Want me to write down which trains you take to get home , or you wanna lay out...
No. I'll take a cab.
It's just a little too much reality for a Friday night.
I just can't. I promised Simon I'd find him a model.
Carl, take me off the speaker. Did I tell you these are house seats?
Come on. You could use a break. Hello? Carl? You there? Hello?
Okay. I just found a model.
Hey, boys. - I know this guy. He even bought me dinner.
Hey, what's going on?
Hi. Remember? - I only need one.
You picked me up, maybe a few weeks, I don't know, some time ago.
This is for a portrait. I need a pretty face. - Portrait?
Come here. I'll give you the address.
Brad Pitt. It's the shit. - Do you read?
Who is it, baby?
Who is it, Verdell?
I'm sorry. I told you today.
I was out in the studio and I just...
It's out here.
You have great things. - Gershwin. He's great, isn't he?
I usually don't make such a big deal about picking models, but Carl is so thorough.
I bet he drove you nuts checking your résumé.
This is not a nude.
Just kidding around.
So much for love.
And yet another pose.
Exactly what is your previous experience? - How about that? I'm running out of ideas here.
Well, then give me some direction, okay? - Nothing. I just -- I just watch
until something strikes me. Do anything that you think of.
Wait for me to say hold that pose, and then just try to comfortably hold it.
No direction.
What I do is, I watch.
You ever watch somebody who doesn't know that you're watching them?
An old woman sitting on a bus? Or a kid going to school?
Somebody just waiting, and you see this flash come over them.
And you know immediately it has nothing to do with anything external
because that hasn't changed. They're just sort of realer and more alive.
You look at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
I know exactly what you mean.
Oh, my God... Hold it.
Hey, look out!
Excuse me.
- I got on the third line of dialogue.
And all of a sudden I blanked.
Clippity-clop. Ignores me.
So he said to me, 'Last chance.' - Last chance.
I came back in. - Here she comes to ignore me again.
I messed up the same line. But guess what?
He cast me.
Just what the world needs. Another actress. - Okay. Okay.
Can't live without me, huh?
I'm finally going to ask. Alright, what's with the plastic picnicware?
Why don't you try ours, afraid it isn't clean?
Well, I see the help. It's a judgment call. - So, give yourself a little pep talk.
'Must try other people's clean silverware as part of fun of dining out.'
What's wrong with your son? - What do you care?
He's gotta fight to breathe. His asthma can just shoot off the charts.
He's allergic to dust. His immune system fails when there's trouble, so an ear infection...
...Is this bothering you? - No.
An ear infection, whatever, sends us to the emergency room 5-6 times a month,
...where I get some nine-year-old they just made a doctor.
Nice chatting.
His name? - Spencer.
Spence.
It's okay. Go on.
You can put on anything you want now.
I might be sort of done here. - For 2 weeks all we've done is work. Let's play.
So you're practically finished? - Yeah. There is one more stage.
Where are you going? - No place. Just to sneak a peek.
Verdell, you want some chocolate? - No! He's not allowed.
Wait. I got to take off. Do you want to say goodbye?
Yeah. He's just got to go. - Wait.
I'm going to look at the painting.
Where are you going, sweetheart? Verdell?
Want some water? What's the matter with you?
You want some water?
Simon, wait.
Why are you doing this?
No, wait...
That painting in there... - What are you doing, cruising him?
Excuse me...
Help me. - Come on. We gotta go!
Come on.
You call 911 and don't leave your name?
Even a dumb geezer knows... - Just move on. No one was killed.
Ask him.
Don't bark at me. I didn't name you.
We will. And if he can't, we'll come back and ask you, again and again.
Hey. You trying to intimidate me? I come from hell. My grandma has got more attitude than you.
Go shake down a 7-11 for a day-old wiener.
- There's a painting of one of the guys.
Oh, I've been praying for him since I heard. - I'm on my way to the hospital.
Just watch the dog for tonight. - No, no.
I'm sorry. - Thanks.
Old bitch. Damn dog.
You're taking him. Yes!
Get the hell out of the way.
This will even the books.
Wait.
Do you want to say no to me?
I don't want to say nothing to you.
Because I've never felt this crazy as I do now. I almost want you to say no.
Thanks for looking after him.
Hey. Where are you going? You can't do this! - You don't want to mess with me today!
I can't take a dog. Nobody's ever been in here before!
Hey, Frank.
One, two, three, four...
You're dead.
We don't have no dog food here. We don't want no dog food here!
You'll eat what we got. What we eat.
Don't you do anything.
Where's the trust?
Never a break.
God.
We're halfway through the show and we haven't sold a single painting.
No, we can't reduce the prices at this stage.
I'm in a free fall here. - We can see him.
I'll meet you in there, okay?
Thank you. No, I'm here.
How are you doing, great one? - I haven't looked at myself yet.
I figured I could tell from your reaction.
That bad? - Okay, I talked to the doctor and...
It's not that bad. The doctors say you'll be your old self in a couple of weeks.
The scars might... - Oh, shit!
Jackie...
Hand me a mirror, please.
Wait. I have a smaller one.
So how are things, anyway?
How is Verdell? - Mr. Udall... taking care of him.
How could you do that? He'll hurt him. - No, I promise.
Not a chance. I own this guy. Besides, there was nobody else.
I'm always on the move and...
Trust me.
You are certain my dog is okay? - Yes, your dog is fine.
Waiting gives the devil time.
Oh, my.
Where did I go?
That's your dog? - No.
What are you doing with a dog?
Suckered in. Set up. Pushed around. - You're not worried he'll be taken?
No, not until now, fer Christ's sake.
Sorry. - I'm going to sit here.
Hey, puppy.
I love its little face. It's so cute.
- I wonder what breed he is.
You know he's a little dog. If Bryan's not here, you can bring him in.
How old are you? - Hah!
To guess by your eyes... I'd say you were 50.
If I went by your eyes, I'd say you were kind. So... so much for eyes.
But, as long as you brought up age, how old are you? You brought it up. I'm curious.
Not that you're ugly. - Easy, pal... I can take the compliment.
But my knees start knocking when you turn on the charm full blast.
What's with the dark?
Dawn patrol.
Major dawn patrol... My son had a full-blown attack.
And this time, for extra fun, they gave us the wrong antibiotics.
No.
It's bacon for the dog.
Last week I was playing the piano for him. And he seems to like it.
So I decide I'm going to make a little joke. - So, you're all set here.
It's a beautiful day for our walk.
Look at that dog.
I've got to give you something real good.
I'm going to show it to you. C'mon, buddy.
Don't be like me. Don't you be like me.
Stay just the way you are. You're perfect. I'll get you something to eat.
I'd like to be treated like that.
Let's go home and do some writing.
'He had made the girl happy. And what a girl.'
'You've saved my life, she said.'
'You'd better make it up to me.'
Done. Done! Yes, I hate the doggie. Yes, I hate the doggie!
62 books... Done!
We have to cut back all expenses. - He has no medical insurance?
- These are the food receipts, the household expenses.
Here's one for the dog again. - I got it.
And all the laundry and the cleaning.
- Boy, look at that. He likes it at Chez Melvin.
- What are you coming over here for? I can't cook with a dog near me.
- Just sit. We don't want any company. I'll read you Ralph Waldow Emerson. 343.5
Hey. - Hey
How's Verdell doing? - Ah, you know, he's a pain in the ass.
Simon's home. Can you keep the dog until he's had a chance to adjust?
Ah, well, it's been weeks and weeks. A few more won't matter.
No. No, he wants him back right away. He'll be by tomorrow.
Okay. Okay by me.
Hungry? Be right with you, sweetie.
- Mr. Udall.
Some face they left hanging on you. You look like...
Could you take it...
...just a little easy, Mr. Udall?
Thank you.
Verdell.
Come here, my beautiful boy. Come here. Come here, boy!
Let's go home and get well.
Well, you can't blame him for being weird. Look at yourself in the mirror.
Thank you.
Come on, sweetheart.
Verdell, come here.
I know what you want.
Come on! Where's my boy?
No. No, don't force him.
Over a dog.
Over an ugly dog.
Worst sidewalk in New York. Look where they put it.
Hi. Help! 368.5
If you want to see me you will not do this. You will make an appointment.
Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive-compulsive disorder
...and then act as though I had some choice about barging in?
There's not going to be a debate. You must leave. - You said you could help me.
What was that? A tease? - I can help you if you take responsibility...
You changed the room around. - Two years ago.
I also re-grew my beard, but you're not interested in changes in me.
I don't have this mountain of available time. I have to get to my restaurant on time.
Now, do you know how hard it was for me to come here? 376.5
Yes.
No, we're not doing this now.
- I changed just one pattern, as you always said I should.
No. Nope.
What if this is as good as it gets? - Oooh.
What the heck are those for?
No, no, no. Get Carol.
I'm filling in. I think she might be getting a job closer to home.
Why plastic? - What are you trying to do to me?
What do you mean? - Look, elephant girl.
Go get Carol or something. Just have her do my one meal here.
I'll pay whatever you want. I'll wait.
Do it!
Bryan. Bryan... Code blue.
Out. Just shut up and get out. Do it!
I'll be quiet. Just let me stay here. No problem.
Go get Carol. Get her here.
I'm not a prick. You are. I'm not judging. I'm a great customer.
This day has been a disaster.
I'm not sure if I can handle this, too. - Get out.
Get out immediately or there's going to be trouble. Man, I mean it.
See ya. Bye.
It's about time.
Carol's last name? - Connelly.
Does he visit often? - Not really. Not any more.
I'm hungry.
You've ruined my whole day. I haven't eaten.
What are you doing here? - This is not a sexist thing. If you were a waiter...
Are you totally gone? This is my private home.
I'm trying to keep emotion out of this, even though it's an important issue to me.
And, I have very strong feelings on the subject. - What subject?
That I wasn't there to take crap from you and bring you eggs? 407.5
Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.
And to prove it... I have not gotten personal, and you have.
Why aren't you at work? Are you sick?
You don't look sick.
Just tired and bitter.
My son is sick, OK.
What about your mother?
How do you know about my mother? - I hear you talking while I wait.
Mom, I finished my juice. - I'm sorry, honey. One sec.
How are you doing?
You should answer someone when they speak to you.
I'm sorry, Melvin, that's it! I cannot handle you teaching my son manners.
Back to life.
Oh, oh. What's wrong?
Five one-thousand, four one-thousand three one-thousand...... Bingo.
...104.9. - We're going to treat ourselves to a cab ride.
Look out, you guys. Comin' through!
Look out, you guys. We're okay. We're okay.
Melvin. Wait!
Melvin. Wait. Melvin, wait... Melvin, wait...
Shut up, kids.
Give us a lift, would you, Melvin?
Cover your mouth when you cough, kid. - I will.
Brooklyn Presbyterian Hospital, quickly, please. - Hospital?
Any chance you'll be back at work today? - No!!! Stay away from me!
Simon, we can't put this off any longer. I feel terrible that I have to...
Simon, could you just leave the dog for a second?
- Sorry.
What are those cards? - Frank's idea. He thought I should have notes.
Maintain focus, didn't get emotional and tried not to terrify you.
See? He's right. I need the cards.
Simon, you're broke.
The medical bills are 61,000 now. And the show didn't go well.
I've spoken to your parents. They didn't hang up or anything.
But, they said they would feel strange about calling you.
Well, I can't call them. Come here, baby.
Verdell? What's wrong?
You miss the tough guy? Well, here I am, sweetheart!
Happy to see me, you little pissant mop? How about another ride down the chute?
I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that, sweetheart.
Sorry...
I'll be able to keep my apartment and the studio, won't I?
Wow. Oh, my God. Wow.
Yes, you make us a lot of money. But, I think it's more appropriate...
Look, I need this. Just say, 'Melvin, I'll try.'
Melvin, I'll try. - Thank you.
My son just got accepted to Brown. My husband was dying.
Good, nice, thrilled, exciting. You don't have to wait with me.
I can't resist. I just have so many questions I want to ask you.
You have no idea what your work means to me.
What does it mean to you?
That somebody out there knows what it's like to be in here.
God, this is like a nightmare.
Come on. Just a couple of questions.
How do you write women so well? - I think of a man.
And I take away reason and accountability.
Mom. - In here, Mrs. Connelly.
Please, what? - I'm...
Please, just tell me. - I'm Martin Bettes. Dr. Bettes.
Not your name! What are you telling me your name for? Where is he? 469.5
- He's in the bathroom.
What's wrong? You know there are doctors that come to your house?
No, I didn't. - I'm home. 471.5
And what are you doing here?
I didn't know you had a secret admirer. Oh, you met the gift.
He's good. I'm an expert on doctors.
Okay, doctor?
My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher.
She said I'm to take care of this little guy because you are urgently needed back at work.
What kind of work do you do? - I'm a waitress.
In Manhattan. - Dr. Bettes?
Uh, yeah, Terri... Excuse me.
I'm sorry it took so long. I don't know Brooklyn. - Yeah, I couldn't find it, either.
Could you get this to the lab? I want it back today.
Hah! I'm sorry. Did you say results back 'today'? - Yes. Let's sit down.
These are the receipts from all the prescriptions for the year.
The calendar. - This is a calendar of days.
And how he felt. - Good. That's very good.
How long has he had the problem? - Since forever. Six months old.
Have they done blood tests?
Only in the emergency room or when he was well? - Emergency room only.
Okay. And how about skin testing for allergies? - No.
No standard scratch test? - No.
They said my plan didn't cover it. Why? Should they have?
Fucking HMO bastard pieces of shit.
I'm sorry. - Actually, I think that's their technical name.
Once the tests come back, is there someone we should talk to?
Me. My home number is on the card.
His home number.
What? - Your home...
Can we get you anything else? - No, thank you.
Couple of female slaves?
There's still a lot of tests I need to do. A lot of things I have to find out here...
But, look, whatever I find out, I promise you, at the very least,
...from now on your son is going to feel a great deal better, okay?
Doc.
Okay. Okay, that's good.
Let me know about the costs. One way or another we'll...
The costs are going to be considerable.
But, don't worry. Mr. Udall wants to be billed.
- That's wonderful.
Thank you for everything, Nora.
Forgive my recent crankiness. I'll call when things get back on track.
What's wrong? - Who's going to walk Verdell?
No.
Is he dead yet? - No.
Would there be any way you would be willing to walk his dog for him?
Absolutely. - You're a wonderful man.
Two o'clock would be a good time. Here is the key in case he is asleep.
Open his curtains for him so he can see God's beautiful work.
And he'll know that even things like this happen for the best.
Where did they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City 'Sailor, wanna hump-hump'-bar?
Or is this get-away day and your last shot at his whisky?
Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.
No. A seriously goofy man is behind this. You're not allowed to block out that mess.
Do you really want to go back to emergency where those runt doctors keep saying they can't help?
This lets a crazy man into our lives. - You know how it will turn out, now come on!
You know how this will turn out.
This is not like stockings or a string of pearls. You don't send this one back.
Right?
- No. I do, I understand. Listen. I have to go, okay?
No.
Okay. Bye, bye.
Bye-bye.
What a day...
Maybe I'll bring him some food by.
- Thank you for walking him.
Excuse me, I'm not feeling so well. - This place smells like shit.
- Go away.
This cleaning lady doesn't..? - Please, just leave!
What happened to your queer party friends? - Get out of here!
There's nothing worse than having to feel this way in front of you.
Nellie. Your a disgrace to depression.
Rot in hell, Melvin. - No need to stop being a lady.
Quit worrying... You'll be back on your knees in no time.
Is this fun for you? Hmmm? You lucky devil.
It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? I'm losing my apartment, Melvin.
And, Frank wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me, for help.
And I won't.
I don't want to paint any more.
The life I was trying for, is over.
The life I had is gone and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself it's difficult to breathe.
It's high times for you, isn't it, Melvin? The gay neighbour is terrified.
Terrified!
I was just trying to give you a boost.
Lucky you. You're here for rock bottom.
You absolute horror of a human being.
The one thing I'll do for you might cheer you up.
Get out.
Want to know why the dog prefers me? It's not affection.
It's a trick.
I keep bacon in my pocket.
See? - Oh my gosh.
We'll both call him. You'll see. It's a trick.
Come here, Verdell.
Come on.
Come here.
Just a stupid dog.
Could you leave now? Please?
- I don't get it... I don't get it.
Mr. Udall.
Carol the waitress? - Yes.
Hi. 570.5
The doctors gave me your billing address. I'm sorry about the hour.
If you're, uh...
If you're worried about thanking me... - That's not why I'm here.
Though you have no idea what it's like to have a real conversation with a doctor about Spencer.
Note. Put it in a note.
I... I have a hairdryer. - Why did you do this for me?
So you'd come back to work and wait on me. - Do you have some idea how strange that sounds?
I'm worried you did this becau...
Are you waiting for me to say something?
Look... Uh... 579.5
I'll be at the restaurant tomorrow.
I don't think this can wait until tommorrow... I need to clear this up now.
Clear what up?
I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you. Never, ever.
Not ever.
I'm sorry, but...
...we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9 a.m.
I'm not kidding. - Anything else?
Just... thank you.
So you'll be at work tomorrow?
Yes.
'Never', she said.
I took a chance you were up.
I brought you some Chinese soup.
Uh... Thanks.
I've never been this tired in my life.
I haven't been sleeping.
I haven't been clear in my head or felt like myself.
I'm in trouble.
It's not just the tiredness.
Sick. Nauseous. - Sleepy.
Everything looks distorted and everything inside just aches and
you can barely find the will to complain. - Yeah... Yeah.
I'm glad we did this.
Good talking to you.
You are not still writing that thank-you note? - On the last page. How do you spell 'conscience'?
C-O-N-S-C-I-E-N-C-E.
Look, I got Sean from the bakery to babysit so we could go out.
I still don't feel safe leaving Spencer with someone. Could you spell that again, please?
Spencer's okay. You better start finding something else to do with your free time.
Sean, are you hungry? - Yes.
We got pizza. Carol and I are going out. Sausage, pepperoni. You want to make this later?
We are going out, like people do.
If you can't feel good about this break and step out a little,
...then I think you ought to have Mr. Udall send you over a psychiatrist.
I don't need one, 'cuz I know what's really going on here!
I gotta finish this letter or I'll go nuts. This can't be right? Con-science?
Carol...
What?
It's very weird not feeling that...
stupid panic thing inside me all the time.
Without that, I just start thinking about myself.
And what good does that ever get anybody?
Today on the bus there was this adorable couple.
And I felt myself...
...giving them a dirty look.
I just had no idea everything was just...
Go ahead.
...moving in the wrong direction.
Away from a time when I remembered what it was like to have a man to anything...
...to hold fucking...
...hands with, for Christ's sake!
I felt almost really bad that Dr. Bettes is married.
Which is probably why I make poor Spencer hug me more than he wants to.
Poor kid doesn't have enough problems, he has to make up for his Mom not getting any.
Who needs these thoughts? - So, are you saying that you are frustrated?
Leave me be! Why are you doing this? What is it you want?
Does getting me thinking about all that's wrong have some purpose?
Really, Mom, what is it you want?
What? - I want us to go out. 638.5
Okay...
Thank you. - Now I gotta send you a thank-you note.
That's why you brought me here? That's really why you brought me here?
Well, you know, it's not even mine. This guy Simon seems to have enough on his mind.
But the dog did throw up twice last night. I mean, his bark is off.
Well, take him to the vet. - I did. They say his stomach's out of whack.
They need him for a couple of days. - Well, do it...
- Sorry.
Excuse me. This is for later. - What's this?
It's a note. - A note?
Yeah, it's a thank-you note. - Thank-you note? No, no, no.
You can read it later. - No, thank you. No thank-you note. No, no.
No. Thank you.
She's nice. - Yeah, really nice.
Shouldn't that be a good thing, telling somebody, 'No thanks required'?
Sure looks like it went over, too.
Look at you.
You're still making the rounds. Simon says you brought him soup last night.
What? - Look at you. You think I'm a mark...
You helped with the dog. Now there's other things. I'm as concerned about Simon as you are.
Concerned? - He's got to get financial assistance.
He's got to get to Baltimore to ask his parents for money tomorrow.
Well, yeah. I mean if his parents are alive, they have to help. It's the rules.
That's great. Let them help him.
Only... uh...
...I got a high maintenance selling painter coming through, so I'm out.
Can you drive him? - Think white and get serious.
Take my car? A convertible.
Do you drive? - Like the wind! But I'm not doing it!
Gettin' loud. Gettin' loud.
He wants me to take his car and his client to Baltimore... 668.5
- I want your life for one minute when my big problem is
somebody offers me a free convertible so I can get out of this city...
Go ahead, girl. - Okay. I'll do it.
I'll take him. Get him ready... packed. Tomorrow morning I'll take him.
I'll see you tomorrow. Let's not drag this out. We don't enjoy one another that much.
If there's some mental health foundation for people like you, please let me know.
Last-word freak. - Good luck, lady.
So, want anything else? - Yeah.
I'm going to give my queer neighbour a lift to Baltimore. 676.5
Okay. - Hey...?
What I did for you... It's working out?
What you did changed my life.
No.
No thank-you note.
Well, part of what I said in this entire history of my life, which you won't read,
...is that somehow you have done more for my mother, my son...
...and me than anybody else ever has.
I'm just going to read you this part of it...
'That makes you the most important, surprising generous person I ever met in my life.'
'And you're going to be in our daily prayers, forever.'
Lovely.
I also wrote one part... I wrote that I was sorry.
I was talking about how I was sorry when I got mad at you for...
...when came over and you told my son that he ought to answer back.
I wrote that I was sorry about that. I'm sorry for busting in on you that night...
...when I said that I was never...
I'm sorry for every time your food was cold and you had to wait 2 seconds for a coffee filler.
And I'm sorry for never spotting right here the human being that did this thing for us.
I'll just... You know what, I'm just going to start from the beginning.
'I have not been able to express my gratefulness to you.'
'The word grateful doesn't begin to tell you what I feel.'
That's nice of you. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now I want you to do something for me.
I'm sorry. Didn't I say 'what'? I thought I said 'what'.
What? - I want you to go on this trip.
No, sir. - I can't do this without you.
I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me. I need you to chaperone. 704.5
Separate everything but cars.
You said you liked convertibles. Now I'm on the hook. 705.5
I'm sorry. The 'stiff one-eye'? - Two days!
I can't. I work. - You get off when you want to. 706.5
My son. - Bettes said he's doing fine.
Melvin, I'd rather not. - What has that got to do with it? 707.5
Funny, I thought it was a strong point. - Write a note. Ain't she sweet?
I need a hand and where'd she go? - You're saying accepting your help obligates me?
Is there any other way to see it?
No.
Here's a little suitcase. Shocked that it's being used.
There's no way to pack for this trip.
[ Melvin Coughs and Clears His Throat Loudly ] 713.5
Hello? 713.5
You're still coming, aren't you? - Yes.
Melvin, I would like to know exactly where we are going?
Just south of Baltimore, Maryland, and I know what you're going to say next.
I mean... I think I know.
I'm not sure, but I think so. - There's no need for me to bring anything dressy?
I mean, I didn't know if we were going to be eating in any restaurants that have dress codes?
I, uh... I... Maybe...
Yes. Let's... Let's. - Okay, gotch ya.
What did you think I was gonna ask? - Whether crabs were in season there now.
Oh. Okay, then. Goodnight.
Anything unusual in the dog's diet? - No.
Everybody gets their own cage? Put him in with that one. Build his confidence.
Lip kiss.
I love you. I'll miss you... Hey! Real sensitive.
Bye. - Call me when you get settled.
Don't worry, mom, have a good time. - Don't run.
Have fun, but don't run.
I'm sorry I'm not taking you myself. - So am I, Frank!
- Give me a hug.
Everything's going to be okay, alright. - Yeah...
Soak it up. It's your last chance for a hug for a few days.
Hello. 734.5
Hi.
Hi... Thank you for being on time.
Hi. - Oh! Carol the waitress. Simon the fag.
Hello... Holy God! Who did that to you?
I was attacked. I walked in on some men robbing me.
And I was hospitalized.
I almost died. - Let's do the small talk in the car. Let's go.
Oh, I was going to do that for you. - It's alright. Where should we sit?
There's no place cards. - You need all the room you can manage.
So I'll sit in the back.
Never a break. Never.
I'm sorry. Thank you for the seat. That was very thoughtful.
You look like you're crowded in there. - It's all right.
Thanks.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I've got the whole trip programmed. 750.5
[ LOUD POP MUSIC PLAYING ]
I was just kidding. I wanted to see what you'd do.
No, seriously...
We got good stuff here. 753.5
[ ♫ There'll Be Days Like This... ♫ ]
I like this music.
Yes. I'm sure, Simon, they did something really off for you to feel this way.
But, when it comes to your parents or your kids, 757.5
something will always be off for you, unless you set it straight.
And maybe this thing happened to you just to give you a chance to do that.
Nonsense. And you want to know why?
Anybody here who is interested in what Melvin has to say, raise their hand.
You want to know what happened with my parents? 761.5
Yes.
When I was a kid... - Wait. I'm going to pull over... 762.5
give you my full attention.
Well, I always painted. And my mother always encouraged it.
I mean, she was really sort of... she was sort of fabulous about it, actually.
She used to... I was too young to think there was anything wrong with it.
And she was very natural.
So she used to pose nude for me.
And... And, I always thought, or I guess I assumed that my father knew about it.
This stuff is pointless. - Hey, let him finish.
Do you like sad stories? Wanna hear mine? - Stop.
Go ahead, really. Please don't let him stop you.
One day he walked in and he found us and he started screaming.
My father didn't come out of his room for 11 years.
He used to hit me on the hands with a yardstick if I made a mistake playing the piano.
Go ahead, Simon. So you said he came in and he was yelling?
Please, come on.
He was...
I remember I was defending my mother.
I was trying to make peace in the lamest way.
I said, 'She's not naked. It's art.'
And he started hitting me.
He beat me unconscious.
And he talked to me less and less after that. He knew what I was before I did.
The morning I left for college he walked into my room.
He held out his hand. And it was filled with money.
A big sweaty wad of money.
And he said, 'I don't want you to ever come back.'
I just grabbed him and I hugged him.
And he turned and walked out.
We all have these terrible stories to get over. - It's not true.
Some of us have great stories. Pretty stories
that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad.
Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's the story...
Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad,
...but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
No. I don't think so. - Not it at all, really.
Not it at all, huh?
Okay. Let's go to the hotel,
and tomorrow you'll see if you can get another big wad of sweaty money out of his hand.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
You ever get an erection over a woman? 802.5
Melvin...
Wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't...? - You consider your life easy?
Alright, I give you that one.
Nice packing.
Hey, Spence. - Hey, Mom. Wait till you hear...
Why are you out of breath? Mom, I scored a goal!
You did? Yep. He was big. Charlie.
That's great. Oh my God.
We're playing again. Got to go. - Wait...
He scored a goal. Mom, I don't believe it.
You would have died.
My son was outside playing soccer!
Come on! Take me out for a good time. Take me out dancing! 814.5
Dancing?
I can't. I'm exhausted. - Oh, come on. Please?
No.
All right. You're right.
Are you sad or something? - No. I'm nervous.
It would be very rough, Carol, if you weren't along. 819.5
What a nice compliment.
I'm happy. And you're my date.
Let's get dressed.
I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be right with you.
All set?
Do you sell hard-shell crabs? - Yes.
Do they sell hard-shells? - Yes.
Good evening. - Hi.
You have hard-shells, right? - Stop asking everyone.
You can answer. - Yes, we do.
I can give you a tie and jacket. - What?
They require a tie and jacket.
No. I'm not putting that on. And before asking, I won't let you inject me with the plague.
It's a nice place. You probably have these dry-cleaned all the time, don't you?
Actually, I don't think so.
You just wait here.
Good evening.
I need a coat and tie. - Come on in.
No? - That one.
And this tie.
Excuse me.
She's here. We saved a table for you.
Should I get her for you? - No. I'll just watch.
Ma'am...
You look so se...
You look great.
You want to dance?
I've been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
No.
I don't get this place.
They make me buy a new outfit and let you in in a housedress.
What? Wait. Where are you going? Why?
I didn't mean it that way. Sit down.
Give me the dirty look, but sit down and give it. - Pay me a compliment, Melvin.
I need one. Quick.
You have no idea how much what you just said hurt my feelings.
The minute someone gets that they need you they threaten to walk out.
A compliment is something nice about somebody else.
Now or never. - Okay.
And mean it.
Could we order first?
Two hard-shell crab dinners... Pitcher of ice cold beer.
Baked or fries? - Fries.
Fries. - One baked, one fried.
I'll tell your waiter.
Okay. Now I've got a real great compliment for you. And it's true.
I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful. - Don't be pessimistic. It's not your style.
Okay. Here I go. It's clearly a mistake.
I've got this... What...? Ailment?
My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time,
says that in 50 or 60 percent of the cases a pill really helps.
I hate pills. Very dangerous thing pills.
I'm using the word 'hate' here about pills. Hate.
My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never...
All right, you were there... you know what you said.
My compliment to you is,
...the next morning I started taking the pills.
I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me?
You make me want to be a better man.
That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Well, maybe I overshot a little because I was aiming for just enough to keep you from walking out.
How's it going with those pills? Good, I hope, I hope, I hope.
It's little by little.
It's exhausting talking like this. Exhausting.
Do you ever let a romantic moment make you do something you know is stupid?
Never.
Here's the trouble with never.
You don't owe me that. - That wasn't a payment.
When you first came into the restaurant, when I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
So now that your... soft little underbelly is all exposed...
Tell me, why did you bring me here?
Well, I...
That's a personal question. I... - Tell me, even if you're scared.
Scared? - Tell me why you wanted me here.
It's okay. If you ask me, I'll say yes.
Well, I...
There's a lot of reasons...
One thought- Maybe if you had sex with Simon... - What?
Well... That's just one idea... - That's why you brought me?
Like I'm a... what..? And I owed you what?
I don't know why I brought you. It was just one thought that I had.
It came out first. That was all there was to it.
I thought, you kiss him... me... You two seemed to hit it off.
No, wait. I didn't mean... Forget what I said about Simon.
I'll never forget you said it. - A mistake...
It was a mistake.
Hello, this is Fred Bishop. And Sally. We're sorry to be unable to take your call now.
Leave a message with all pertinent information. - Say goodbye... Goodbye... And thank you.
Ah... It... It's Simon.
I'm in town. 911.5
Hello?
Folks, you haven't been out later than ten o'clock in your entire lives. 912.5
Please pick up the phone.
Really.
Okay, well I'm going to try you in the morning. I need to see you.
Or at least get you to answer the phone.
How are you?
Is this going to be your room? 917.5
- Our room. I don't want to see him and he's not going to come knocking on your door.
What happened? - Don't ask.
Can you not be so violent? - I don't think so. 919.5
You need help... - No!
I'm taking a big bath and ordering a big meal.
I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I've got to get some new thoughts.
Why, what are you thinking about? - How to die, mostly.
Can you believe, in our little mix, you're the good roommate?
Goodnight. - Goodnight!
Hold it.
I have to draw you. - Heh?
I have to draw you. - No. No, no. Absolutely not.
I'm a lot more shy than people think. I give off the wrong impression.
I have to. I haven't sketched anything in weeks. - Stop staring. Do a vase.
But you're beautiful, Carol. Your skin, your long neck.
The back. The line of you.
You're why cavemen chiselled on walls.
Ha! Cut me a break.
The next thing I know she's sittin' right there next to me.
It's not right to go into details. I got nervous.
I screwed up... I said the wrong thing.
Where, if I hadn't,
I could be in bed right now with a woman who...
If you make her laugh, you got a life.
lnstead, I'm here with you.
No offence, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Uh... Jameson, soda back.
I'm sorry. I don't care how you put this. We're being naughty here, pal.
No, this is... This is great. This is so great.
My hand won't even keep up. Hold it. Hold it.
I'm just turning. - But hold that. Hold that.
My hand's not even bothering me. I can't... I just...
I can't get the angle with this cast.
Careful.
I'm coming in. It's late.
Did you have sex with her? - You sure you don't you want your shampoos?
Sorry.
I didn't know she was still here... Did you have sex with her?
To hell with sex. It was better than sex. We held each other.
What I need, he gave me great. I'll get dressed in a hurry.
I just love her.
How are you doing?
Mom, hi. - Hello, Simon.
You were right. We were home. - Do you have to whisper? I can barely hear you.
I'm not a screamer. - It was lucky you didn't answer last night.
Your father is not feeling well. - I can't hear you.
Hold on. - Hold? What are you going to do?
I get why you're angry with me, but it's... - He's talking to his parents.
Okay, then, you listen to me. Truly no grudges. Okay? Truly.
It was a little odd that you didn't come and see me when you heard that I was hurt, but...
I almost did. - No, I don't even want to talk about it.
The important thing is that your son is happy. You do sound different.
I'm working again. Good. About money...
No, I don't need anything. I'll drop you a line from wherever I land and... 971.5
It's up to you to make the next move and I hope that you do.
He's going to want to stay. And they'll wanna take a ride to the lake...
Okay. Bye-bye. Bye, dear.
We'll probably have a five-hour drive. It'll give us a chance to relax and be...
I'm coming with you. - What about your parents?
No, no. I'll take care of myself. - What are you talking about?
You've got real problems. - I know. I'm a little bit nervous.
Suddenly everything seems so easy.
Carol, a load has been lifted.
One night wih me. - You think you're kidding.
Nothing like no choice to make you feel at home. - I've got a gift for you.
Let me see... Gorgeous!
Do it then. And get the dog picked up. I can't believe you let it stay there.
Goodbye.
Your luck's running.
They sub-let your place. You're homeless.
Frank's got a line on another place you can use. - Another place... Where?
Does it matter?
No, it doesn't.
I'm fine. Like the hat?
I'm sorry... I'm sorry.
I don't want to hear that music right now. - What do you mean? You said you liked it.
This one has a meaning. - It's you car, but I don't want to hear it. 994.5
If that means anything.
Here's the keys to my apartment.
You go up there and wait and I'm gonna take Carol home.
I'll take a bus. - No, I'll take you.
Can you come here?
I don't care what you did for me. - What's wrong?
I don't think I want to know you any more. All you do is make me feel bad about myself.
You have my number.
Let him take you home. - Don't want to.
I love you. - I love you too.
Don't say anything.
I've got to get a hold of Frank and see where I'm hanging my hat.
Well, I think you're going to have to camp it here. - What are you talking about?
There's Verdell.
Mommy and Daddy are home.
Sorry. You're just fun to mess with.
They rented your place furnished. Jackie said she'd bring your personal things.
They were going to set you up in here. It's an extra room. I never use it.
It's got good light. - I'm coming.
It's nice. Looks good.
They've even got your music, paintings, paints.
I have to say they did a good job.
It's going to be okay, huh? Cosy, huh? - Yeah...
Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm me.
I love you.
I tell you, buddy... I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.
Make yourself at home.
Anything else in the bag?
But I was playing soccer while you were away. - I know.
I love my cookbook.
It's got wonderful recipes. It says something with shark.
'Shark with a Bite'. Would you like that, Spencer?
And some cookies here called Wasps' Nests.
Where is my big hairy boy?
Where is he? Where is my beautiful boy?
Sweetheart.
Oh, you're in bed. - No, no.
Melvin, I just didn't think Verdell should get too comfortable sleeping in here.
The dog's already comfortable.
Is this okay?
Hello... Hi, it's me.
Yes! He took me in. It's Carol for you.
Jackie brought it all over... - Just take the dog.
Take the dog.
Come on. Move fast. Don't limp. - Good luck. 1038.4
Hello? 1038.6
Yeah...
How you doing? - Not so hot.
Why? What's wrong? - I don't know if I'm being sensible or hard on you?
Maybe both. Maybe. - I don't know if you're being cute or crazy now?
Cute. 1042.5
- You don't have to answer everything I say! Okay? Just listen to me.
Listen to me.
It's really something that you're looking after Simon.
And what I said on the street... That was a bad thing to say.
It made me sick to my stomach. It was a bad thing to say.
And I'd be lying if I didn't say I enjoy your company.
But the truth is you do bother me, enormously! And I know... think... it's better for me...
...to not have contact with you because you're not ready.
You're an old guy to not be ready. And I'm too old to ignore that.
But there were extraordinary kindnesses that did take place.
So... Anyway. Thanks for the trip.
Goodnight.
Okay if I say something now?
Go ahead.
I should have danced with you.
Goodnight.
Are you going to talk to me, or not!!!? - I'm coming.
What did she say? - That I'm a great guy. Extraordinary.
And she doesn't want contact with me.
I'm dying here.
Because... you love her. - No.
And you people are supposed to be sensitive and sharp?
Then you tell me why. You're the one who's 'dying here'.
I don't know. Let me sleep on it. - Oh, come on.
I'll figure it out. - Oh, please...
I'm... I'm... I'm stuck. I can't get back to my old life!
She's evicted me from my life! - Did you really like it that much?
It's better than this.
I'm very intelligent. If you're going to give me hope, you've got to do better.
If you can't be at least mildly interesting, then shut the hell up!
I mean, I'm drowning here! And you're describing the water!
Well, picking on me won't help!
Well, if that's true, I'm really in trouble.
Melvin, do you know where you're lucky?
You know who you want.
I would take your seat any day. So, do something about it! Go over there.
Now! Tonight! Don't sleep on it! It's not always good to let things calm down.
You can do this, Melvin.
Pull out the stops... Tell her how you feel.
I'm charged. - Yes, you are.
She might kill me if I go over there. - Then get in your jammies and I'll read you a story. 1082.5
I really think you have a chance here.
The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
So, go over there. Do this. Catch her off guard. 1084.5
Okay. - Okay?
Thanks a lot. - Okay.
Here I go.
What's wrong?
I forgot to lock the door.
What do you want, Melvin? - I'm sorry I woke you up.
I wasn't asleep.
What a break.
Is it a secret what you're doing here?
I had to see you.
Because?
It relaxes me.
I'd feel better sitting outside your apartment on the curb
...than any other place I can think of or imagine.
That's overstating.
I'd rather be sitting inside on the steps 'cuz I don't wanna get my feet in the gutter.
Stop it. Why can't I just have a normal boyfriend? Why?
Just a regular boyfriend who doesn't go nuts on me!
Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.
Boyfriend...
Come on in and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Maybe we could live without the wisecracks?
Maybe we could.
It feels a little confined in here. Let's take a walk.
It's four in the morning. A walk sounds a little screwy to me.
If you don't mind. - Well, if you need an excuse...
There's a bakery on the corner that'll be open soon.
That way we're not screwy, just two people that like warm rolls. 1112.5
Okay.
What are you doing? - I want you to hear that song.
And darling I'm never lonely...
...whenever you're in sight...
Thank you.
I was...
I'm sorry. Whatever this is is not gonna work.
I'm... - What?
I'm feeling better, Carol.
Melvin, even though it may seem that way now, you don't know me all that well.
I'm not the answer for you.
Hey! I've got a great compliment for you. - You know what?
Let me talk.
I might be the only person on the face of the earth
...that knows you're the greatest woman on earth.
I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing you do.
And how you are with Spencer. Spence.
And in every single thought that you have. And how you say what you mean.
How you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good.
I think most people miss that about you.
I wonder how they can watch you bring their food and clear their tables
...and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive.
And the fact that I get it makes me feel good...
...about me.
Is that something that it's bad for you to be around?
No.
I'm going to grab you?
I didn't mean for that to be a question. I'm going to grab you.
I know I can do better than that.
Better. Definitely better.
See?
Want something? - Warm rolls.
Excuse us.