破产姐妹
第二十一集
第一季
麦克斯 有口香糖吗 Max. Do you have any gum?
我的口气闻着像别人的口气 My breath tastes like someone else's breath.
你居然问我有没有口香糖 You're asking me if I have any gum?
就跟问新泽西有没有淫娃一样 That's like asking New Jersey if it has any sluts.
谢了 刚在街上买的肉里有洋葱 Great. There were onions in my street meat.
你听啊 街上买的肉里有洋葱 Listen to me. "Onions in my street meat."
去年 我是华尔街开会的有钱人 Last year, I was taking meetings on wall street.
今年 我是靠墙吃从街上买的肉的穷人 This year, I'm eating meat from the street by a wall.
我找找啊 手机 润唇膏 Let's see. Phone, chapstick.
药丸 A pill!
可能是避孕药 也可能是摇头丸 Could be birth control, could be ecstasy.
等一天 就知道 Waiting for a day off to find out.
算了 Why wait?
一小时后我开始摸你的头发 If I start touching your hair in an hour,
千万别让我去摸别人的鸟 don't let me have sex with anyone.
麦克斯 Max!
麦克斯 这是什么 Max, what's this?
地址是麦克斯自制蛋糕店 It's addressed to Max's homemade cupcakes.
是吗 我随手拿来 Really? I thought that was just a thing
写新批萨店信息的纸 I wrote the new pizza place info on.
这是上次办公室聚会的200块支票 It's a $200 check from that office party we did.
麦克斯自制蛋糕店还是印上去的呢 Max's homemade cupcakes in type!
天啊 我这辈子还没收过支票 No way, I've never been typed out before!
收过现金 汗津津的20块钱 I've been cash, I've been sweaty 20s pushed into my palm,
但我从来没收过支票 but I've never been typed!
我们店进步了 合法了 We's all grown up! We's legit!
听好了 吃货们 姐赚大钱了 Listen up, diner! I just hit the big time.
再也不用给你们这些废柴端菜了 No more serving up slop to you lowlifes.
你们都吃屎去吧 So everybody can suck it!
姐的服务生涯就此终结 My waitress days are over.
-能来点咖啡吗 -马上 -Can I get some more coffee? -Sure.
厄尔 你怎么能这样 Earl, what are you doing?
员工可不能随便喝餐馆里的酒 Employees are not allowed to drink diner liquor.
韩 别拦我 今天是4月16号 Now, hold up, Han. It's April 16th.
你知道明天是什么日子吗 Do you know what day tomorrow is?
当然 马丁 路德 金日快乐 Oh, of course. Happy Martin Luther King day.
马丁 路德 金:著名的美国黑人民权运动领袖
我请你喝一杯 Enjoy a drink on me.
不是马丁 路德 金日啦 It's not Martin Luther King day.
马丁 路德 金日则在一月的第三个星期一
黑人也可以庆祝 Black people are allowed to be excited about
别的日子好不好 other days too, you know.
泰勒 派瑞出新电影了吗 Is there a new Tyler Perry movie coming out?
泰勒 派瑞 好莱坞著名的黑人导演 编剧及演员
不是 金正日先生 No, Kim Jong Il.
明天报税 It's tax day.
而我习惯在核算税费的时候 喝杯白兰地 And I always treat myself to a Brandy when I do my taxes
因为我不忍在清醒的时候看到退税金额 because I need to be drunk when I see that refund amount.
鸡胸肉配辣酱 Chicken breast, side of hot sauce.
胸 辣酱 拜托 淫起你的好湿句 Breast? Hot sauce? Come on, it's right there.
麦克斯 我的爱都给苏菲了 Max, now that I have big love for Sophie,
不会再对别的女人淫诗作对了 I no longer say inappropriate sexual things to other women.
我的辣酱都留给她的大胸了 I save all my hot sauce for her breasts.
爱情让你变得婆婆妈妈的啊 Love has made you a real old lady.
给 白兰地男 好好享用 Here you go, Brandy man. Enjoy.
麦克斯 你有邮票吗 Max, you got a stamp?
我想在回家时 顺便把这封信寄出去 I wanna drop this off in the mail on my way home.
我包包里有 这就去找 I have one in my purse. I'll just get it.
麦克斯 人家是想今年报税 Max, he wants to file this year.
才没空等你 He doesn't have time for the search party
钻进你的包包 把邮票救出来 to go into your purse and return.
包包就该啥都有 Hey, it's a purse. It's supposed to be messy.
不 包包本应齐整整 No, it's supposed to be a purse,
而非一堆失禁老人穿过的 not a retirement home for a pair of panties
尿不湿的养老院 stuck to old lifesavers.
现在我吃不下了 I'm kinda off my meal now.
马上给你邮票 厄尔 I have a stamp right here, Earl.
看见没 秩序对混乱 There, see? Order versus chaos.
也是OCD(强迫症)对比 Also known as OCD versus
噢 我都忘了我有这张CD "Oh, here's a CD I forgot I had."
邮票要什么图案 花 旗帜或心形 Would you prefer a flower, flag, or a love stamp?
妞 随便 我只想在截止日期前 Ladies, I don't care which, I just wanna get these taxes
把报税单寄出去 in the mail before the deadline.
-厄尔 你自己报税吗 -当然 -Earl, you do your own taxes? -I surely do.
我可以很自豪地说 从1950年开始从不间断 Proud to say I haven't missed a year since 1950
那时候我第一份工作是法兰克 辛纳屈的球童 when I had my first job as Frank Sinatra's ball boy.
法兰克 辛纳屈:20世纪最重要的流行音乐人物
球童 他还是个网球好手吗 Ball boy? Was he a good tennis player?
不 亲爱的 他不玩网球 No, darling, he didn't play tennis.
那工作就是给他清洗球球(蛋蛋) The job was washing his balls.
在那个年代 这可是一份好工作啊 And that was good work for those times.
我可以看一下你的1040表吗 Do you mind if I look over your 1040
1040表 美国个人收入联邦税申报表
看看能不能多帮你报点退税 to see if I can increase your return?
请便 沃顿高材生 请便 Do you, Wharton, do you.
一眼看过去 Well, at first glance,
我发现你忽略了几个税额扣除项目 I see you short-changed yourself on some deductions.
这里就有500块 There's 500 right there.
你何不直接签个名字 我回去看看怎么弄 Why don't you sign this now, and I'll save you what I can
然后明天再帮你寄出去 and then drop it in the mail tomorrow?
麦克斯 瞧瞧 Max, look at this.
野心金发妹刚帮我省500块呢 Blonde ambition here just saved me $500.
真的吗 挺不错啊 Really? That's pretty cool.
这里还有100块 Oh! There's another 100.
-靠 厉害死了 -叮叮叮 -No way, that's awesome. -Ding, ding, ding.
就像我玩老虎机赢钱 身边却没有围满 It's like I won the slots without being surrounded
嫉妒到气得肺气肿的女人 by those pissed off ladies with emphysema.
你怎么会不知道 But how could you not know
你包包里有一张蛋糕赚的支票呢 there was a cupcake check in your purse?
无意间都塞进去了呗 It just got mixed in.
话说现在哪还有人 And anyway, who still sends important stuff
把重要的东西用信寄啊 through the mail these days?
我们又不是早期拓荒者 What are we, pioneers?
不 我们是商人 No, we're businesswomen,
得记下每一分钱 and we need to keep track of every penny.
是不是应该裱起来 挂在墙上啊 Hey, should we frame it and hang it on the wall?
等那天我们俩成了亿万富婆 That way when we're two billionaire bitches
互相恨透对方时 who hate each other's guts,
可以看看支票 回想当年 we can look at the check and remember.
麦克斯 我永远不会恨你 Max, I'll never hate your guts.
这可不好说 You don't know.
生意压力 Business pressure,
我跟你丈夫偷情 被你捉奸在床 you caught me sleeping with your husband,
整容整坏了 迁怒于我 anger about your bad facelift.
亲爱的 我永远不会整坏的 Oh, honey, I will never have a bad facelift.
我从11岁开始 就在收集好医生的名字 I've been collecting names of good doctors since I was 11,
因为当时我被我钢琴老师吓到 and I was terrified by my piano teacher
她的鼻子就歪到这儿了 whose nose was suddenly here.
你帮厄尔报税的行为真酷 That's pretty cool of you to do Earl's taxes for him.
我乐意帮忙 I'm happy to.
毕竟 金融是我擅长的领域嘛 After all, finance is my field of expertise.
对 超酷的 Yeah, pretty cool.
我说了那么多 You know, all that stuff.
你该懂吧 Helpful hints and whatnot.
天啊 还要我怎么暗示啊 Cripes! What more do I have to do,
像阿姆斯特丹的妓女那样 Rouge my boobs
赤裸裸的站在橱窗里卖骚才够明显吗 and stand in a storefront window in Amsterdam?
妓女橱窗是阿姆斯特丹红灯区的最大特点
你到底帮不帮我报税呀 Are you gonna help me with my taxes or not?
麦克斯 我不知道这是否是个好主意 Max, I don't know if it's a good idea.
我见识过你的包包 你的税务更是可想而知 I've seen your purse. I can only imagine your taxes.
能不能不说包包了 不就乱了点吗 Can you let go of the purse? It's just a messy bag.
我又没把你的孩子丢失在沙漠地带 It's not like I lost your child in the outback.
窥豹一斑 你看我的包 It's symptomatic. Here, look at my purse.
好了 还是算了 You know what, never mind.
现在批评我的包包太晚了 It's too late for a purse smackdown.
况且 就算你说赢了我 But for the record, even if you win now,
我的包还是能把你的包干死 my purse will kick your purse's ass.
当然 先花两周了解你包包的日程安排 Later, after it spent two weeks learning your purse's schedule.
有序 干净 完美 快看 Organized, clean, perfect. Look.
快看呀 Just look at it.
快看嘛 麦克斯 它不会咬人 Look at it, Max. It won't bite.
我妈的第三任男友才说这话 Who are you, my mother's third boyfriend?
坦白说 在我看见那张支票之前 And truthfully, before I saw that check,
我没想过要报税 I wasn't even going to file.
但现在生意越来越像样 But now that our business is getting real,
我才打算把我的财政状况当真 maybe I should start getting real about my finances.
等咱俩真的成了亿万富婆 I mean, when we are two billionaire bitches,
我可不想政府半路杀出来 I don't want the government to swoop in
然后韦斯利为追回逃税狙击咱俩 and Wesley snipe us for back taxes.
韦斯利 斯奈普斯:《刀锋战士》男主角 有过逃税历史
好吧 那明天帮你 Okay, great. We'll do it tomorrow.
我保证 从现在开始我再也不批评你包包了 And I promise, no more purse slams starting now.
谁呀 Who is that?
电视台 他们在你包包发现第34名智利矿工 CNN. They found a 34th Chilean miner in your purse.
2010年的智利矿难被困井下的矿工共有33名
好啦 好啦 从现在正式开始 Okay, okay! Starting now.
-谁呀 -金卡戴珊 -Who is it? -Kim Kardashian.
不 我不是金卡戴珊啦 No. I'm not Kim Kardashian.
老娘可是职业人 No, I work for a living.
苏菲 你是下来吃睡前小蛋糕的吗 Hey, Sophie, you come down for your cupcake nightcap?
对 谢啦 麦克斯 Yeah, thank you, Max.
不过今晚我要吃两个 But tonight I'm going to take two.
因为我得准备约会 'Cause I'm getting ready to date
我得回到我的战斗体重 and I wanna get back to my fighting weight.
苏菲 你说准备跟人约会是什么意思 Sophie, what do you mean you're getting ready to date again?
在波兰酒吧那 有几个真心不错的 Oh, well, there's some really cute new guys
新帅哥 down at the Polish club.
而且 老天 还有一个长得 And... oh, my gosh, one in particular
特别像范 迪塞尔和维戈 莫特森的混合版 is like a cross between Vin Diesel and Viggo Mortensen.
没错 高富帅 Yeah, so rich and handsome
都快忘了他还坐轮椅 you almost don't notice the wheelchair.
在纽约有车的男人实在难以抗拒啊 Hard to resist a man in New York who's got his own ride.
抱歉 我不是故意要打听 I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry.
那就闭嘴 Oh, then don't.
那你和奥列格算什么呀 It's just what about you and Oleg?
他以为你俩是情侣呢 He thinks you two are a couple.
情侣 A couple?
不 这话也太扯了吧 No, this is crazy talk.
没错 我们曾有过火辣淫秽的性爱 I mean, yes, we have had some hot, dirty sex
比如在厨房和厕所 in a few kitchens and toilets, and...
在地铁站的三明治店地上 On the floor of a sandwich shop in the subway.
还有两次是在走廊楼梯用狗狗式 Plus twice we did it like dogs on the hallway stairs
以及在我公寓的每个角落 and on every smooth surface in my apartment.
可拜托 仅此而已 But I mean, come on. I mean, that's it.
我可是位淑女 I'm a lady.
苏菲 真不敢相信我会说这种话 Sophie, I can't believe I'm about to say this,
但对奥列格来说 你们之间不只是性 but for Oleg, it's not just about sex.
他对你有爱意 He feels things for you.
我还知道他为你准备了份特殊的礼物 I know for a fact he's buying you a special gift.
告诉她 麦克斯 Tell her, Max.
他是有提过是皮草类的啦 Well, he mentioned something about a fur,
而且今晚他说起你的时候 and tonight when he was talking about you
也的确用了"爱"这个词 he did use the word "love."
爱 Love?
拜托 别破坏我的蛋糕雅兴 Come on, don't ruin my cupcake buzz.
这个男人没出息 I mean, this man has no future.
虽然他的大鸡巴让我爽得很 Of course, he does have a giant penis.
但没出息 But no future.
我辛苦打拼才获得今天的成就 I mean, I've worked hard to get where I am.
我需要一个有梦想有冲劲的男人 I need a man who has a dream and a drive.
而且那么大的鸡巴网上才卖47块钱 And I can buy a big giant penis online for $47.
真的吗 加入购物车 Really? Add to cart.
那你必须告诉他 Well, then you have to tell him
你没兴趣跟他走下去 you're not interested in going any further.
好吧 别担心 我会的 Oh, all right, don't worry. I will.
我是说 这个男人对我而言 Yeah, I mean, I need this man in my life
就跟隆胸一样 like I need breast implants.
就是 根本没必要嘛 对吧 Which is like... Not at all, right?
这有另一张W-2表 税务金发妞 Here's another W-2, H&R blonde.
W-2表 从雇主那里获得的工资和所得税的声明
谢谢 Thank you.
麦克斯 你还在长岛的一家 Max, you worked at a Mexican restaurant
墨西哥餐馆工作过 in long island city?
天啊 你别那么看我 Oh, my God, don't be so judgmental.
快看 Mira, look!
我刚找到一张鞋垫和双面胶的收据 I just found a receipt for shoe insoles and double-stick tape.
工作花销 Work expense.
再说一遍 小姐 这不能核销 Again, senorita, not a write-off.
跟刚才你问能不能把买毒钱 Like when you asked if you could claim your pot dealer
以娱乐花销退税一样 as an entertainment expense.
所以我错了嘛 我们都有各自的天赋 So I was wrong. We've all got our talents.
你擅长做文书工作 You're great at doing paperwork,
而我擅长烘培 and I'm great at baking
和在嘉年华找做爱的绝佳地点 and finding places to have sex at carnivals.
把这个放进我命名为 Just add that to the pile I'm calling
你未来审计的证据 那一类 "evidence for your future audit."
不是那里 那是厄尔的退税单 Not there, that's Earl's tax return.
我能看一眼你去年的报税单吗 Can I see a copy of what you filed last year?
我去年没报税 Ugh... I didn't file last year.
前年也没有 之前每一年都没有 Or the year before or any year ever.
等等 你从来没纳过税吗 Wait, you've never paid your taxes?
我只是从来没报过税 No, I've never filed my taxes.
我纳过税啊 我在支票上有看到 I've paid taxes. I see it on my check.
8块给国家 15块给联邦收入 $8 to the state, 15 in federal income,
6.23块给社保 那贱货真幸运 6.23 to Fica, whoever that lucky bitch is.
Fica:美国联邦社会保险捐款
麦克斯 你昨晚怎么不早说你啊 Max, why didn't you tell me the severity of this last night?
你难道不知道 我对钱的事一窍不通吗 Um, maybe you haven't noticed, but I have issues around money.
每一年 我都下决心要报税 Every year, I say I'm going to file,
然后一直拖拖拖 and then I put it off and put it off
拖到截止日期的那一天 比如今天 until the day it's due, like today,
我就拿着1040表和W-2表坐下来 and then I sit down with a 1040 and my W-2s,
回答到大概第四个问题 and right around the fourth question,
心想 见鬼去吧 I'm like, screw it!
还是趁上班前上网看"灵魂列车"的视频吧 I'm gonna watch old soul train clips on YouTube before work.
直到报税日结束 一直觉得自己是废人一个 And then I feel like a loser until tax day is over.
之后就想 管它呢 老娘最棒了 And then I'm like, who cares? I'm awesome.
明年再说吧 I'll do them next year.
所以你的意思是 So what you're telling me
你的财务跟你的包包一样乱吗 is your finances are as messy as your purse.
小心措辞 Careful now!
再说 就过分了啊 Starting to get a little hot up in here.
算了 随你便 Fine, I don't care.
我只希望你能好好报税 I just want you to get your taxes done.
先把这些没用的垃圾 Now throw away all of your useless garbage
扫掉 into this trash can.
算了 我还是去餐馆附近的快速报税中心 You know what, I'm just gonna go to that pop-up tax place
让人帮吧 near the diner.
然后顺路把我的 没用的垃圾 And I'll throw my "useless garbage" in the dumpster
扔进垃圾堆 on the way out.
我这大师在这 Wait, you're gonna spend like $100
你还打算花100块 to have someone do your taxes
去请人帮你报税啊 when I'm sitting right here.
请人报税的那点钱 The amount of money I'll spend down there
比起你核算税费时刺激了我 is nothing compared to the amount of money
为了要消气而买大麻的钱相比 还是很省啊 I'd have to spend on weed to survive doing taxes with you.
-下午好 姑娘们 -你们好 -Good afternoon, girls. -Hello.
希望我们昨晚滚床单时 I hope Sophie and I's wild lovemaking
没有吵到你们睡不着 didn't keep you up all night.
我们下来是想 We wanted to come down
给你们看看我送苏菲的礼物 and show you the gift I just gave Sophie.
瞧 姑娘们 瞧我的礼物 Yeah, look, girls. Look at my gift.
还有腿呢 It's got a leg.
我还以为你俩算不上情侣呢 Wow, I didn't think you two were the couple type.
我们准备去曼哈顿 We are going into Manhattan
吃点什锦水果沙拉 喝点香槟了 for fruit cocktail and champagne.
-想一起吗 -好啊 -Want to join? -Hell, yeah!
不行 麦克斯 你得报税 No, Max, you're doing your taxes.
我妈不让 Oh. My mother says I can't come out.
你们好好玩吧 Have fun.
这算不了什么 This means nothing!
我不敢相信你把你财政的未来 I can't believe you're putting your financial future
交给一个名为税收生活的 into the hands of a hipster tax place
狗屁报税中心 called "The Tax of Life."
俗语道 You know how the old proverb goes.
生活有好 有坏 "You take the good, you take the bad.
而剩下的 就是税务生活 You take what's left, and there you have the tax of life."
43 43号 43! Number 43.
记住 如果你需要任何帮忙 And remember, if you need any help,
我是最熟悉你财务的人 I'm acquainted with your finances.
我也是最熟悉你态度的人 And I'm acquainted with your attitude.
闭嘴 Don't say a word.
-我是43号 -你好呀 43号 -I'm 43. -'Sup, 43?
我是凯尔 你的报税哥 I'm Kyle. I'm your tax bro.
我是麦克斯 她是我的哑巴朋友卡洛琳 Hi, I'm Max and this is my mute friend Caroline.
我已经开始填1040表 I already started to fill out the 1040
这里我今年的W-2表 and I have my W-2s from this year.
还有一些收据 Also some receipts.
好咧 咱们开始吧 Well, let's get started!
你有医疗储蓄账户吗 Do you have a health savings account?
-当然没有 -没事 我们可以捏造一个 -Definitely not. -Oh, well, we can fudge that.
-就把钱定在500块 -可以 -I'll put you down for 500. -Sounds good.
捏造 什么 Fudge that? Fudge?
我还真不知道原来财务是可以捏造的 I wasn't aware there was fudging in finance.
家庭生产活动 Domestic production activities.
比如避孕套之类的吗 Like condoms and stuff?
或许吧 I guess.
咱们谈的是调整后的总收入 对吧 Talk about adjusted gross income, am I right?
对不对啊 Am I right?
凯尔 这个定250块吧 Kyle, put me down for 250.
250块 250.
我该准备奶酪盘 恭候国税局大驾光临了吗 Should I just put the cheese plate out for the IRS now?
那居住能源退税呢 What about residential energy credits?
我买过几个节能灯泡 I bought some of those curly light bulbs once.
轻松搞定150块 Oh, that's another 150 easily.
抱歉 麦克斯 我实在忍不住了 Sorry, Max, I can't stop myself.
钱 财务 我就是学这个的 Money, finances... this is my thing.
如果我们是要买铜镀金的首饰 If we were at a copper-plated jewelry sale,
我绝对放手让你处理 I'd let you take the wheel.
如果你要拿我们未来财务冒险 我就得管 I can't sit back and watch you risk our financial future.
你和你的报税兄弟肯定会拖我下水的 You'll be dragging me into this with you and your tax bro.
闪开 报税哥 Excuse me, tax bro.
天啊 你要申请居住能源退税 Oh, my God, you wanna claim a residential energy credit?
你连5695表格都没有 You don't even have a 5695 up here.
你的哑巴朋友很懂行嘛 Hey, your mute friend's all over this.
你应该让她帮你报税 You should let her do your taxes.
她比我强多了 She's way better.
没关系 凯尔 我放弃了 No, that's cool, Kyle. I'm not gonna do this.
再拖一年又不会死 One more year won't kill me.
我还是拿这钱去买大麻吧 I'll just spend this money on pot.
对了 这属于娱乐费用哦 That's an entertainment expense, BTW
麦克斯 别放弃嘛 让我帮你 Max, don't give up yet. Let me help.
现在已经9点了 我们没时间了 Look, it's already 9:00. We ran out of time.
你至少拿张表 申请延期报税 At least take a form and file an extension.
邮局开到半夜12点呢 The post office is open till midnight.
麦克斯 你想改善你的财务状况不是吗 Max, you know you wanna change your finances.
这是第一步 It's a step.
你说得对 好主意 You're right. Good idea.
邮局就有延期申请表 They have extension forms at the post office.
帮厄尔寄报税单时 顺便拿一张就行 We can pick one up when I drop off Earl's return.
-怎么了 -不见了 -What? -It's not here.
不在我的包包里 It's not in my purse.
我最后一次看见它 在茶几上 Last time I saw it, it was on the coffee table
在你拿出你所有的税务凭据之前 before you came in with all your tax stuff.
肯定还在那儿 It must still be there.
不 你让我把桌子上的东西都扔了 Uh, no, you made me throw all that stuff out.
你居然扔掉一个75岁老人的报税单 You threw out a 75-year-old man's tax return?
你也有份扔的好不好 You threw some papers out too.
这太不像我了 This is so not like me.
我这辈子只搞丢过我的贞操 The only thing I've ever lost is my virginity.
我们该怎么办 What are we gonna do?
没事 放轻松 没什么大不了 No, it's okay. Relax. No big deal.
我回家 爬进垃圾桶里找就行 We just have to go home and climb through the dumpster.
不 说真的 我们该怎么办 No, seriously, what are we gonna do?
准备好了吗 Ready?
不 说真的 我们要怎么办 No, seriously, what are we gonna do?
开始吧 Well, let's get to it.
我的垃圾不会自己跑出来的 My garbage ain't gonna find itself.
麦克斯 我做不到 Max, I can't.
如果我进去了 那我就真的成了白色垃圾了 If I go in there, I will literally be white trash.
瞧 是你非要插手 Look, you're the one who had to butt in
跟厄尔显摆你是沃顿高材生 and get all "Wharton" With Earl.
如果你不管 If you had left him alone,
那报税单早就平安抵达邮局了 it would be at the post office safe and sound.
好吧 Fine.
但先声明一点 如果在里面发现弃婴 But to be clear, if we find a baby in there,
你自己把他抚养长大 you're raising it on your own.
拜托 这弃婴的命比我好太多了 Hey, it's already off to a better start than I had.
这里全是食物 There's food everywhere.
靠 今天周二 垃圾要被收走了 Oh, hell, no! It's Tuesday... trash pick up!
快进快出 Better get in and out
不然我们会被送上去康尼岛的垃圾船 or we'll be on a garbage barge to Coney island.
快点 我托你上去 Come on, I'll give you ten fingers.
我的美鞋 我的尊严 My shoes. My dignity.
我的美鞋 My shoes.
我的手居然放在垃圾箱上 My hands are touching a dumpster.
好了 数到三 All right, on the count of three,
我往上一顶 你使劲一蹬 I'll push, you hoist yourself up.
但你得使劲把自己顶起来 不然你进不去 But really pull yourself up, or you won't make it.
里面就是地狱 我正凝视着地狱 It's hell. I'm looking into hell.
一 二 三 1...2...3!
我想大叫 却叫不出声 I wanted to scream, but it wouldn't come out.
随便你 祝你好运 回见 Okay, well, good luck. See ya.
-麦克斯 -我开玩笑的了 -Max! -I'm kidding!
我从那边进去 我发现一个可以踩的地方 I'm coming around the back. I found a place to get a leg up.
什么 你他妈现在才发现啊 Now? You just saw that now?
你叫个屁呀 你明知道是我 Why'd you scream? You knew it was me.
这是刚才我叫不出来的那声 That's the one I couldn't get out before.
天啊 看看这乱的 Oh, God, look at this mess.
如同要在大海捞一根用过的针(吸毒用) It's like looking for a dirty needle in a haystack,
这事我试过了 which I've done.
好了 别闲着了 开始找眼熟的垃圾吧 Okay, start poking around. Look for familiar garbage.
眼熟的垃圾 "Familiar garbage"?
我在里面痛不欲生 不如死了算了 I hate it in here. I wanna die.
没那么糟糕 It's not that bad.
我和我妈有一次为了找她男友偷情的证据 My mom and I once spent five hours in a dumpster
在垃圾堆里找了整整五个小时 looking for proof that her boyfriend was cheating on her,
结果我们只发现一个中了1块5的刮刮乐 and all we found was a scratch-off worth a $1.50
和一条浴巾 and a beach towel.
然后我们用那1块5 And then, we used that $1.50
把浴巾拿到自助洗衣店洗干净 to take the towel to the laundromat.
后来的12年 我们每次洗完澡擦身子 12 years later, you and I use that very towel
用的正是那条浴巾 to dry ourselves off after a shower.
我现在站在陌生人的麻酱冷面上 Well, I'm standing on a stranger's cold sesame noodles
脚踝处还有碎蛋壳 with egg shells stuck to my ankles.
你赢了 麦克斯 You win, Max.
这关我屁事呀 What does that have to do with me?
这意味着我正式踏进了你的包包 It means I'm officially standing in your purse.
何不多干实事 少点抱怨 How about more real garbage, less Caroline garbage?
谁抱怨了 Caroline garbage?
你都跟我抱怨一天了 You have been dumping on me all day.
我 我干嘛了 Me? What have I done?
麦克斯 你从没 报过税吗 "Max, you didn't file...ever?"
我的语气才不那样呢 I didn't say it like that.
而且你的确从没报过税 这也能怪我吗 And you didn't file ever. Is that my fault?
能 都怪你 Yes! This is all your fault.
在我认识你之前 我从来没想过未来会如何 Before I met you, I didn't even think about a future.
现在我不但有了未来 还站进了垃圾箱里 Now I have a future, and I'm standing in a dumpster!
站进垃圾箱的 又不止你一个 You are not the only one standing in a dumpster.
另外 去买个新包吧 And...get a new purse.
要是你当时能在那可怕的包包里 If you had been able to find a stupid stamp
找出一张破邮票 in that horrid thing,
我就不会看见厄尔的税单 I would've never even seen Earl's taxes
更不会站进垃圾箱 and I wouldn't be standing in a dumpster.
麦克斯 别 别 别 Max, no, no, no!
我心里会有阴影一辈子的 I will never, ever recover from that!
红牛罐 红牛罐 那些是我们喝的红牛吗 Red bulls? Red bulls? Are those our red bulls?
哪里 Where?
没错 那是我的垃圾 Yes! Yes! That's my garbage!
那是我的垃圾 快过来 That's my garbage! Get over here!
如果现在找到 我们还有时间 If we find it, we'll have enough time
回去洗个澡 再去邮局 to shower and get to the post office.
厄尔的税单 厄尔的税单 Earl's taxes! Earl's taxes!
下一个 Next!
真不可思议 This is unbelievable.
大家都想赶在半夜前把自己的税单寄出去 Everyone trying to get their taxes filed by midnight.
自从上次警察突袭泰式按摩院后 Wow, I haven't seen this much last-minute licking
我再也没见过这么多舔最后一口的人 since the cops raided that Thai massage parlor.
我去拿一张延期申请表 你去排队 I'll grab an extension form. You get in line.
这队伍比我想象中要长 The line's longer than I expected.
-不 我们一定得报税 -她还在吃奶 -No, we have to file. - She's nursing.
别担心 没事的 Don't worry. We're fine.
我就是个懒蛋 I'm a bum.
人家还有吃奶娃 She's got a baby hanging off her nipple
可她的税都弄好了 and her taxes are done.
麦克斯 别拿别人跟自己比 Max, you can't compare yourself to other people.
你有你的步调 You'll do it your way.
那还有个瞎子 And there's a blind guy.
看都看不见 人家税也报好了 No eyes, taxes done.
可能人家不会被在线视频分心 I guess he wasn't distracted by YouTube clips.
别对自己这么苛刻 Don't be so hard on yourself.
你申请了延期 之后就会报上了 You're filing an extension, and then you'll get them done.
你说我会补报税 可我真的会吗 You say I'm going to file, but will I?
我还说我要整理我的包包呢 可我做了吗 I say I'm going to clean out my purse, but do I?
苏菲还说她会跟奥列格坦白 可她说了吗 Sophie says she's gonna tell Oleg, but did she?
申请延期只是个让我推迟报税 An extension is just another excuse
然后把事情弄得越来越糟的借口 for me to put it off and create a bigger mess.
麦克斯 你好吗 Hey, Max. What's up?
鲍勃 你怎么在这儿 Bob. Wow, what are you doing here?
就跟其他人一样 来报税呗 Oh, I just filed my taxes like everyone else.
鲍勃今年盆满钵满啊 Bob had a good year. Ha.
那是谁 Who was that?
我的药头 My dealer.
去他的延期 Forget the extension.
如果我的药头可以报税 那我也可以 If my pot dealer can file, I can file.
我们还有半个小时 We still have half an hour.
我边排队边填1040表 Run home and get my W-2s
你跑回家把我的W-2表拿过来 while I stay in line and fill out the 1040.
要不我呆着这儿帮你填 Maybe I should stay and fill it out,
你跑回家拿 and you can run home.
不 我得亲力亲为 No, I have to do this.
别担心 如果我不会填 Don't worry, if I get stumped,
我周围都是拖延症者 I'm surrounded by procrastinators.
总会有人 帮我的 One of them will help... eventually.
好的 笔给你 Okay, here's a pen.
我去把厄尔的报税单投进邮筒 I'm gonna go drop off Earl's return in the slot,
然后我会尽快赶回来 and I'll be back as soon as I can.
好 Okay.
你好 我去拿今年的报税单时 Uh, hi, can you hold my place
能帮我占一下位置吗 while I get a tax form for this year?
时间掐得真紧 你比我还拖拉 Oh, cutting it close. You're worse than me.
-快去 我帮你占着后面 -前面被她占着 -Go, I got your back. -And she's got your front.
我把所有项都加起来 然后在这里填个总数吗 So I add up all these lines and put the total here?
-没错 -学生贷款呢 -Right. -What about student loans?
对 我今年还清了 Yes, and I paid mine off this year.
那记得报上 Then claim it.
销掉那个利息可以省下一大笔钱呢 That interest is a huge write off.
在33行写上436块 Put down $436 on line 33.
-邮件要关门咯 -别啊 -Post office is closing! -No!
我朋友刚发短信给我 她马上就到 My friend just texted me. She's almost here.
求你了 我今年必须得报税 Please, I have to file this year.
时间到了就是到了 Midnight is midnight!
去死吧 Boo!
拜托 我有6个孩子呢 Oh, please, I have six children at home.
什么阵势没见过 This is nothing.
来了 我来了 我来了 几点了 Here! I'm here, I'm here! What time is it?
还剩30秒 30 seconds.
借过 借过 Make room, make room.
订书机 订书机 Stapler, stapler.
-十 -签名 快把你的1040表签了 -10... -Sign it! Sign your 1040!
-九 -签哪 -9... -Where?
八 七 8...7...
-六 -我在折 我在折了 混蛋 -6... -Fold! Fold, you bastard!
五 四 5...4...
三 3...
二 2...
没邮票 No stamp.
什么 What?
没关系 我帮你贴 It's cool. I got ya, boo.
我做到了 我把税报了 I did it! I filed my taxes!
大家都吃屎去吧 Everybody can suck it!