So at this point, her panties are off,
but I'm still apprehensive about her husband being there,
'cause he is just staring at me.
Whoa! Hey, what is this? Why are the seats out?
Ian, do you know anything about fixing these old Pontiacs?
I don't care, okay? Ezekiel, take all the pieces and just
- put them back in there. I don't want... - Ian, you've gotta calm down.
Do you know any breathing exercises?
Because you are right on the verge of a freak-out.
You don't know my brother, okay? He's gonna fuck my ass with a roll of quarters.
What? He's gonna what? With what?
Oh, yeah! He's gonna go get off work early, and he's gonna walk into the bank,
stand in line, change a 10,
find my ass and just fuck it with a roll of fucking quarters.
Yeah, witness sucks!
We've got to get that guy laid tonight.
Is your sister still a slut?
Check it out. It's totally working.
You're the best wing-man ever.
She's in, she's in. Watch this.
Rumspringa! Whoo!
- I took a wicked digger. - Yes, you did.
I think you may have had a little too much to drink. Maybe you should...
Maybe you should shut your face hole 'cause I've only had one beer ever.
- First day of Rumspringa? - Rumspringa!
- Uh-oh! - Oh!
Hey.
- All right. Okay. You good? All right. - Aw! You guys are so nice.
Don't let her step in it.
I love you guys 'cause you're awesome.
'Cause you're awesome.
Let's just find a safe place to sleep it off.
What? What's wrong with you?
- Yeah, what's your problem, bitch? - Nothing. I'm fine.
Nothing. She's fine. God, lay off.
- It's Lance, right? - No.
I'll bet he's in there with that Amish girl and you're out here.
Wrong.
Come on, Leesh, just drop the hard-ass thing for two minutes.
You know. It's okay. You're into Lance.
- God, I'm such an idiot. - Look, there's something about Lance.
Everybody likes Lance. I like Lance.
Just promise me you won't ever be like Lance.
What is wrong with us? Let's go have some fun. Come on.
- No. No. - No?
Come on, we're young, and we're Amish, and it's Rumspringa.
Rumspringa!
Ian, you little cock-sucker!
Ah!
Leesh, you're so stubborn. Look at your feet.
They are fine. All right?
Hey. What's the plan?
I might as well find a phone and call Rex
- so he can get on with killing me. - What about visiting your grandma?
Yeah, dude. You been putting off visiting your grandma for too long.
- It's about time you visited Grandma. - Yeah.
Lance, you know, I really do want to visit my grandma, but...
Dude, I really can't stress enough how much you're gonna enjoy visiting Grandma.
You know, I visit my grandma sometimes two or three times a week,
and it is always a pleasure. She's just a delight.
What am I supposed to do?
Our transportation is all over the floor of that barn.
Hey, Mary!
Hi.
Wow, you look beautiful.
Oh, please.
I mean, seriously, you wearing that, churning some butter. Sexy.
So I had the best time with you last night.
Yeah, me, too.
So you got my number. You're gonna call me, right?
No.
"No." You're funny.
I mean, Lance, I really like you, but Rumspringa's over for me.
- So... - Rumspringa!
Sorry.
You fixed it?
Yeah, we hit a few snags, but she's banging like a champ now.
Man, I don't even... I don't even know what to say here.
You know, I don't really have much...
Oh, no, we're good. We're good.
I mean, the opportunity to help a neighbor, that's a gift.
Man, you're too... Here, thanks. Thank you so much.
- You're welcome. - Thank you, it's really cool.
It is. You know, I mean,
if you felt the need to reciprocate in some way,
I mean, there's a lot of chores that need to be done around here.
Yeah, no, the only thing about that is we're kind of behind schedule right now.
Yeah, but, I mean, we could totally come back.
- We could hit you on our way back through. - Okay.
Yeah, you should. You should really get on the road.
I mean, you got a smooth-running vehicle now, you know, 'cause we fixed it.
- Yeah. No, but it's... So we're good? - We're good. Yeah, technically.
I mean, we fixed your car for free, and you're leaving.
So I'd say that makes us dead square.
We'll come back. I promise.
- I'm looking forward to that. - Hey, no, seriously, we will.
Okay. We'll all hold our breath till you get back.
On three, guys. Three, two...
My stomach's killing me. Tell me if you see a rest stop.
You know, I really feel sorry for Mary
because her lifestyle is keeping her from being happy.
And that's no way to live.
Lance, don't you know your little theory of "People want what they can't get."
That's all she is. Ian, gas station.
No. Felicia, this is different okay, because she changed me.
You know, I'm a butterfly now because of her.
Because when I'm with her, I was like a spiritually whole human being.
And if you don't believe that, you can suck my dick.
Fuck. I know you didn't take my car, Ian.
'Cause you're a big, giant pussy. That's right.
I'm gonna lift up this door and my big fucking glorious bitchy Judge
is gonna be sitting right there gleaming at me,
or I'm gonna have the fucking neighborhood squirrels eat your asshole.
Want some of this?
He took my fucking baby.
Cocksucker!
Shit!
Hey, Knievel, what say you get your bike out of the fricking road?
Hey! Hey!
All ocupado, sport?
Sounds like someone's got one in sideways.
Gents.
Well, looks like we're up. Go on, get in there.
Oh!
Am I getting a signal?
Tasty, I got sidetracked last night.
I had to party with some new homies.
Tonight, 8:00 p.m. at Big Boy.
I'm worth the wait.
Yes!
No! Oh, God! No, thank you! No, thank you!
Hello? Little buddy? Hello.
Spooner. Spooner. Spooner.
Was that you screaming in there? - I don't want to talk about it. Ever.
- Where's Felicia? - She went to get corn dogs.
Can you believe the girls around here, man?
But, man, where am I ever gonna find another girl as cool as Mary?
You like it?
- What about Felicia? - What about her?
- She's into you. - Yeah, no shit. Get in line.
What is that? She's not good enough for you?
Felicia's awesome,
but the obvious statement to make here is that you like her.
- What? No, I... - You're shocked. You can't believe it.
- This bombshell. Come on. - You know, she's not into me anyways.
Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter. I still... I could never do that to you.
Okay, but you do know that she's not into you, right?
- Yeah. Well, maybe you don't know. - No. No, no, I'm gonna stop you.
There's no maybe. Okay? And I'm saying this as your best friend,
but never. Never fucking ever. You know?
Because you guys are friends.
You know what every girl I've ever banged had in common?
I wasn't friends with any of them.
And usually they have awesome tits, but not always.
Sometimes you get that bronze medal, you know?
Real simple. Climb the rope, hit the bell, win a prize.
Hey, there, Bilbo Baggins, there's no height requirement.
Why don't you step up and win your girlfriend a prize?
We're not... She's not my girlfriend.
- What about your other girlfriend there? - Nice.
All right, come on, Ian. You can do it.
Come on, you're almost there! You're almost there! Go, go, go!
Winner! Winner! Winner!
- That was awesome. - How the hell did you do that?
We had one of these at Cub Scout camp. I kind of mastered it.
Yeah, you think you're hot shit?
- Lolly? - Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey, ass.
Hey. What's your secret?
You just... If you keep your shoulders down...
- No coaching. - What?
No coaching there, Lombardi. Read the sign.
No coaching.
Cheese and rice!
Oh!
- Thanks. I'm Sandy. - I'm Ian.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Consolation prize? - Wow! Thank you so much.
You know, my dance team's performing over at the tent in a couple of minutes.
You guys should come watch.
- Actually, we were just about to go. - That sounds super fun. He'll be there.
Great. See you.
Dude, that girl reeks of sex.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hey, Harry Potter, take you and your girlfriends out of here.
What are you looking at, Ellen DeGeneres? I will crush you.
That's right. I'm not afraid to hit a lady.
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission
- Do we really have time for... - Hey, hey.
You have to stop doing that to him.
- Doing what? - Twat blocking.
I'm not twat... Doing that.
Yeah! Let's give it up for the AX Dancers!
Come on, girls, let's help me get some fellas up in here.
- Ian. - Oh, no. Please.
Get up there. Come on.
Come on!
In the back! In the back!
Yeah!
Come on, two more, two more!
Yeah!
Dude, turn around.
Look at this fine crop of handsome fellas I got here.
But before we get down to business,
there's a young woman here
who would like to share her story with these young men.
- Kristy, you ready, baby? - Okay.
So, last year I was at a dance with my boyfriend.
He wanted to go to his car.
So I did.
So we were both naked in the back seat and we started having oral...
Yeah!
Daddy likes that!
Excuse me!
Is this tragic story turning you on?
This courageous young lady pours her heart out and this is getting you hot?
It's time for you to pledge. Right now!
Boy, you need this more than anybody.
Hey, keep a wrinkle in it, captain.
I can't believe you took a fucking abstinence pledge with a hard-on.
It's classic.
Look, I didn't even know what she was talking about. That doesn't count! Okay?
- Ian! Hey! - It gets better.
I am so proud of you!
Get away from me. Is that what you do?
You go out and you lure little dorks like me into your little no-having-sex club?
Ian, it's not like that at all.
Just go away. Now.
- I would've eaten your asshole, you know. - Really?
- Oh, man. - Wow.
You can keep your stupid flipping lollipop, anyway!
- You are dead, psycho-virgin! - No, no!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, are you sure you want to get dental work done in Floater, Kentucky?
Dr. Teddescoe will be with you present-like.
- Thank you. - Welcome.
Fine, okay, you were right. My feet are killing me,
and I never should've tossed my shoes.
No, come on. I love that your shoes are in that tree.
I do. That's premium Felicia.
Felicia Alpine.
Oh.
- So what'd you do to her? - Hmm?
Smack her around a little bit?
She gets out of line, you pop her one?
- No. No, sir, I... - I got you. I'm just teasing you, man.
We have fun.
- He didn't, though, did he? - Hmm? Mmm-mmm.
Blink twice if you feel you're in danger.
Be back in a couple minutes. I'm gonna wait for that to numb up.
Mmm-hmm.
Hands to yourself, O.J.
Ian, you know the other night at Lance's party?
- Was I there? - No, come on.
Here.
I mean, you know the only reason is because I don't want to ruin our friendship.
Totally, I mean friendship is awesome. Good call.
I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you.
- You won't. - What are you thinking about?
- I asked you first.
You got a little loogie.
I'm gonna go see if Lance...
Mmm-hmm.
Go. Go.
Um, I'll take these as well.
They're not for me. They're not.
- Heads up. - What's with you?
I'm thinking maybe we head back home.
What? Why?
Well, Felicia and I were talking in there,
- and we kind of had a moment. - Oh! Oh, did you guys have a little moment?
- Yeah. - You're a moron.
Fuck you. We've talked about this.
Look, we're almost there, and I'm not letting her do this.
We're going to Knoxville, and you're getting your nut.
No, I'm not. I'm not.
No, I'm gonna text Tasty, and I'm gonna tell her I'm not coming.
- Ian, get in this car. - I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
Shit, where's my phone? Hey, you got a new smile.
You have my phone. I didn't know... This is for you.
Mmm! A message came in.
Your grandma says she's really excited to see you.
And something about her hot, shaved pussy.
Must be the cancer talking.
All right. Good deal. We're going to Knoxville.
All I've got is frustration, frustration
I hate this vacation
So, give up, give up Give up, give up
I've got to get away from here It's killing me just thinking 'bout
Frustration, frustration I hate this vacation...
Ian, you're going the wrong way.
- We're going home. - What?
Please, do not turn around because of me. Okay.
- Yeah, no shit. - I'm dying to see Ms. Tasty.
This is going to be hilarious.
A hundred bucks says she has a wiener.
Look, I said we're going home. I don't want to talk about it.
I knew you'd find some way to fuck this up for him.
Me? You two are fucking scheming behind my back.
- No, we're not. - Okay. You stole Rex's car.
You drove halfway across the country.
This must be what you want to do. So do it, chicken shit!
- Fucking A, chicken shit. - Fine! You know what?
I'll turn the car around, I'll flip a bitch, and I'll go pork somebody. Right now.
I'll be that guy. Is that what you want?
- Be that guy! That guy rules. - Sounds awesome.
- That would make me so happy. - All right. All right. Fantastic! I'm doing it.
Watch out, Ian! Fuck! - Watch it, Ian!
Whoo!
You like that? - Did your fucking balls just drop?
Holy shit, Ian.
- Oh, man, it's this douche again. - You want it? You got it.
- Hold on to your pantyhose. - Okay, we gotta work on your banter,
but otherwise, this is awesome.
- You're losing him. - No, I got him. I got him.
- Jesus, Ian! Not so close. - God damn it!
No way, man! You're dead.
Sorry. He's all right.
This guy's fucking dangerous!
Where is he? Talk to me, dudes.
Right up our ass. He's in our ass.
He's tagging out. - Ladies!
Ian, look out!
Oh! Oh!
God damn it.
What were you doing, man? Shit.
Dude, take it easy. This wasn't your fault. He jumped right in front of you.
Just shut up, Lance. Of course it's my fault.
Now, come on, man, this possum's not gonna fuck you.
We gotta go find Ms. Tasty.
He's suffering, Lance. I'm not gonna leave him here by himself. Okay?
Okay. You're right.
We gotta help him. We gotta call a vet or something.
Ian, look at him. There's not a lot that we can do.
You may want to cover your eyes, sweetheart, there could be some splatter.
- What the fuck are you doing? - I'm gonna take him out of his misery.
They don't make little wheelchairs for him. He's done, man.
Fuck you, Lance. God, you don't even give a shit about him.
I'll do it.
I'm sorry.
All possums go to heaven.
Uh... Ian. It... I think it's still...
Shit.
Oh, no.
Ian, I'm so sorry, it's...
Oh, God! Jesus fucking... God damn it! I'm trying to do the right thing here.
- He's really hanging in there. - God! Fuck!
You know, Jamie Lynn Spears' baby has got to be about a year old now.
I can't believe she had a fucking baby.
How was I supposed to know it was an endangered possum?
You know, the vet said there's actually a good chance he might pull through.
You better hope so, mister. Get in.
Lock up cell B.
We are in jail.
Okay, listen, you have got to be cool, 'cause if they see you shitting yourself
they're gonna fuck with us.
Hey! Hey, ladies.
Hey, how about you sit the fuck back down before me and you have a problem?
How about you just chill out, man? Be cool.
- All right. We good? - Yeah, we're good.
- Excuse me. - Listen, old man, I'm only gonna tell you...
You should've seen the look in his eyes.
His heart was breaking for this poor little thing.
Shit, that boy Ian don't seem like he got no balls at all.
Why? 'Cause he got to fussing some over a suffering critter?
I think that's real sweet.
Well, I say this Lance, he sounds like a real hunk of man.
The only way you can keep his kind around is to get his babies up in you pronto.
But he got no respect for bitches.
Shathayd's right. No respect for bitches. None whatsoever.
You love Ian, don't you, baby?
Well, it's just we've been best friends since we were really little,
and I don't know, he's the only person I can really talk to, you know?
You give your heart to that boy,
and you can toss that "friendship" right out the motherfucking window.
When I was a girl, my best friend was a fella named Creighton McDaniel.
We used to stay up all night just talking and laughing and carrying on.
Then one day I got it into my head that we ought to be more than friends.
So I tell him I love him.
What happened?
We dated for a few weeks.
Then he met a gal over in Wofford.
We still talk from time to time.
But it was never the same between us.
Baby. Come here. Come on, now. Come on, now.
You know you need a hug. Come on, honey.
Cuddle up.
Dude.
- What? - Look, you're pissing in front of everybody.
Yeah, I am.
- And that guy's looking right at your dick. - Atta-boy.
- Look at you. You're a new man. - No, I'm not.
Dude. You stole a car, ran over a hillbilly,
you got arrested, you got in a prison fight.
See Duane, he was there.
And I mean, you really beat an endangered species to death today.
That's got to count for something.
And now you're in here in jail pissing like a big dog in front of all the perverts.
I mean, there's only one thing left.
Yeah, well, that's out. I was supposed to meet her two hours ago.
Dude, when we get out of here, just tell her you got pinched.
She'll think that's bad-ass, because it totally is.
Lafferty, Nesbitt, your bail has been posted.
Really?
- Time to go. - Shit!
- What? - Rex.
Oh.
All right, this is it for us, Duane,
but, you know, back to what we were talking about earlier,
I don't give a shit what Denise says,
I think there's still room for somebody to write the great American novel.
So take that for whatever it's worth, buddy.
Hey.
Mary!
Wait. Wait. How did you find me?
Well, I called your cell phone, and then someone answered here.
- That's awesome. Okay. - Are you okay? Why are you in jail?
I mean, there's a number of charges,
but the most prominent ones were animal cruelty
and the assaulting the officer.
But it's not nearly as bad as it sounds on paper, okay? I promise.
- Okay. - Okay. Wait right here. Okay.
- Teddy. - Lance, my man.
- You guys got my stuff? - It's gonna be a few minutes.
All right.
- Your daughter still selling those cookies? - Yes.
You find me that wallet, I'll buy one.
- That'd be nice of you. - How is she now?
I'm just fucking with you. I don't need one more charge brought.
You can't know, oh, no You can't know
How much I think about you, no
It's making my head spin
Looking at you And you are looking at me
And we both know what we want
So close to giving in
Ian, don't do this. No, don't turn into Lance. You're a good guy.
Yeah, well, that's why I'm still a virgin.
So what if you're a virgin? God, Ian, it's just sex. It's not...
No, Felicia, it's not about the sex. It's not. I'm weird.
I'm the only virgin I know. I need to get this done
so everyone can just stop freaking out about it.
Look, I know you don't approve, but I'm sorry, I just...
I'm not going home a virgin.
Then, sport, fuck me.
What?
Sport, fuck me and not some stranger.
We're friends so you know you're not gonna get some, like,
crabs or genital warts or some pussing thing that's coming...
Wow, Leesh. That's hot!
You know what?
I think I'd rather stay a virgin forever than lose it on pity-sex.
- I'm not talking about pity-sex. - Then what are you talking about?
I don't know. Sex.
It doesn't have to mean anything. It doesn't have to jeopardize our friendship.
Ah!
Leesh, you know what? Fuck the friendship!
I'm sorry, I just can't do it.
I can't be the guy that you're gonna talk to about your boyfriends anymore. I can't...
I can't be the guy who's gonna pick you up in the middle of the night,
and you're gonna cry to because Derrick Dicottes found some other girl.
And maybe I'm just being selfish here, but it is not enough.
Okay, so I'm gonna go out that door, and I'm gonna go have meaningless sex
with some random, hopefully hot, hopefully female person that I met on the Internet.
Unless you've got something better to say to me.
That's what I thought.
Cyclops.
- How'd you find me? - You ever heard of LoJack, cheese-dick?
Come here.
Burn that mother down, y'all
Burn, baby, burn
Disco inferno
Burn, baby, burn
Burn that mother down
Come on, Rex, wait. The girl... The one I told you about from the Internet.
She's right across the street, Rex. She wants to do it with me and everything.
Like I give a shit!
Get your shit, queer-bait! We're going home.
Okay. Okay, fine.
Now!
It probably wouldn't have changed
all these feelings that I've been having lately anyway.
What are you talking about?
I don't know, Rex. You know, just feelings,
curiosity about men.
Oh, shit, Ian!
I think you might be right. I think I might be getting gay.
God damn it. Fuck!
But I just haven't had any luck with girls, Rex.
No way! No way my little brother's taking it in the chili ring.
All right, you take the car,
and you go bang the female woman like the good Lord intended.
You've got one hour!
- Ian. - Yeah?
Fill up the tank, would you, buddy?
- Tank is at a little low. Yeah, thanks. - Right.
Hey, man. You looking for somebody?
Ms. Tasty.
Ian?
Oh, my gosh! Hey.
I was sure you were standing me up.
- But here you are. Look at you. - See you.
You look a little different than your picture.
Yeah, I know. I lost a lot of weight 'cause I had the runs... The flu.
Well, you're mighty cute, and your car is really pretty.
Why don't you take me for a ride?
So, Ms. Tasty, what's your real name?
- How about I tell you after? - Yeah, sure.
Works for me.
... below the ocean Where I wanna be
She may be
Way down below the ocean...
- No, Mary, wait. - What?
- What's wrong? - Nothing. I mean...
Nothing, I just... I really like you,
and I don't want to ruin this. You know?
But, hey, maybe you could come to Chicago and we could hang out
- and take it a little... - No.
Lance, it doesn't work like that.
And, I mean, if I don't go back, I'm gonna be shunned.
I could never see my family again.
- This Amish thing is a real motherfucker. - Yeah, tell me about it.
- Ian. - Yeah.
I think we should take our clothes off.
Wow. Really? Right here?
Mmm-hmm.
No one's around for miles. Come on.
Okay.
- What do you think? - Thank you.
That is one of the better sets that I've seen today.
I appreciate your honesty.
They're nice.
Really?
You're fit.
- You're so sweet. - Yeah.
I think we should take your clothes off now.
Yeah, maybe we should.
- I don't play football! - Okay.
I... I really don't. I mean, I don't really even watch football.
I mean, I got all that stuff from Friday Night Lights,
which is a show. It's also a movie starring Billy Bob Thornton.
- I don't know if you saw it, but... - Ian.
What? You think everything in my profile's the God's honest truth? No.
Now, come on, take your clothes off.
Look, there's this girl...
Ian, this can be our little secret. No one has to know.
Now come here.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I can't do this with you.
I'm kissing you, and I'm thinking about somebody else.
No, and I know that's a stupid thing to say. I mean, she's not even...
Oh, no, no, no. Ms. Tasty, please don't cry.
It's not a reflection of... You're so pretty, like...
You're laughing.
Just take your fucking clothes off, asshole!
Look, I'm sorry, okay. I don't mean to lead you on here,
and I'll give you a ride home, but I don't think that... What the fuck?
What's up with the bandana, dude? Huh?
What're you, a Gap model?
- Do you have any jacks? - Yup.
- I win. - Again.
Yup.
- All right, just take your shirt off. - Okay, good.
You were right, Ian. '69 Judge. You were worth the wait.
- Please, no! Come on, it's not even my car! - And good luck with the lady friend.
Fuckface!
Felicia. Oh, shit! Oh, shit.
Oh, Bobby, you were so awesome back there.
- Love you so much. - Cool.
Hey, you know, I was thinking, do you always have to flash them the twins?
You know, I mean, I do got a gun.
- Oh, baby, you know they're only for you. - Okay, cool.
Now, listen. I got another car coming any minute now, okay?
- Got it. - So take me back to the Big Boy
- and get this goat over to Luis. - Right.
And where is Luis? 5th and Crescent!
- I fucking told you. - I know where it is.
And if you do good, momma's gonna take real good care of you.
Really?
You mean the thing I like well?
Yeah, just want to make sure we're talking about the same thing here.
The pepper grinder.
Pepper grinder!
Pepper grinder! Yeah.
Hi.
- Hey, boys. You finally made it. - What's up, Ms. Tasty?
What's up? What's up?
- Damn, you're hot as fuck. - Yeah.
- We brought beers and rubbers. - And some lotion for your tits.
- It's not a marathon. - It's a sprint.
- Bang. Yeah. - In chicks.
You Felicia?
I'm Bobby Jo.
Hi.
I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick. I mean, seriously, what are the odds?
Oh, yeah! More of that.
So, wait, you do want to party?
With us?
Yeah. I want us all to get naked and party.
Fuck! I can't fucking believe this.
Get your ass out of the car, motherfucker!
- Who the fuck are you? - Holy fucking fuck-balls!
Okay, my bad.
Now, I thought you were someone else, all right?
You done fouled up my ride, so I'm gonna have to take yours.
Fuck that shit.
Here you go. Pulls to the left.
What the fuck, dumb-ass?
Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, shit!
Hey, highlights, back it up.
Bite my dick, asshole!
Ow! What the fuck you do that for?
- Lance? What the fuck is going on? - That's the son of a bitch I was looking for!
Hey, guy. How'd you...
- Found your computer maps, douche-bag! - Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Boat show, you and your boyfriend bring it in here.
I don't need no trouble right now.
Let's go. Bring it in.
- Bobby Jo, who the fuck is that? - Who?
- That! - That's Felicia.
She was hiding in the back seat, no biggie.
Fuck! She heard everything then.
- Hello! - Damn, you're right.
Come on, darling.
- Shut up! - Now, take it easy on the hair.
- Get down! - Hey, hey, come on.
- All right, all right. - Take your hands off her!
Stop shooting our car. - Inconsiderate.
Please! No!
- All right. Get back, man. - Ian?
Everybody just be cool.
- Felicia, you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Ian, give me the goddamn gun before you shoot your dick off.
- Rex, I got this. - Ian!
God damn it, Rex, I got this! Do not fuck with me! Not now!
Ease it back, man. That donut ain't fucking around.
Hands where I can see them.
- Ian, dude, you're working the mouth. - I don't give a shit!
Okay. All right, sorry. You're doing so good. Proud of you.
I mean that. I don't say it enough.
- Tasty and you... - Bobby Jo.
Ian... Over there. Slowly.
All right, you, corn-fed, you can punch my friend Lance, but just once.
- Dude! What the fuck? - You nailed his girlfriend.
- Not exactly. I mean, it was... - And he came all this way.
All right. All right, fair enough. Just not in the nuts.
- Oh, shit! - Okay. Okay, all right.
What a punch. I think my kids are gonna be retarded.
You got a fucking cannon for an arm, dude.
- Yeah, you got a little... - Thanks. My ears are ringing.
Stop it! I'm warning you!
Come on, bro. You ain't gonna kill no one.
Whoa!
- Anybody can shoot a gun in the air, dude. - I'll shoot you in the leg.
Suck his cock, Ian.
- You serious? - Do I look serious?
I don't think you got the plums, boy.
God!
Oh, fuck.
Okay. Okay.
Anybody can shoot someone in the leg, dude.
- Give me the gun! - Jesus, man, what do I got to do?
Don't move, asshole, or you're a fucking stain.
Okay.
Holy shit, Ian. Right on!
Where do you think you're going, cunt?
Cat fight!
'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
Damn you, whore!
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
Fuck you!
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
Drop the weapon, donut man!
Okay, put your hands on your head!
- Both hands, asshole! - I can't move the other arm.
- Who said that? Who said that? - I can't move the other arm.
Sir, I'm not resisting. It's foam, sir.
The big Mexican won't go down! Take the shot!
- Holy shit. - Jesus!
Hold your fire! Hold your fire, okay?
He is not the bad guy! She is the car thief.
Right there. The blond, in a belt for a skirt.
Anything else?
Oh, yeah, apparently there's a guy named Luis,
and he has a chop shop at 5th and Crescent!
- Thanks. - We were just banging that chick in our car.
- Yeah, you mentioned that. - Yeah, super hard.
The boy did have some plums. He had some plums.
Hey, this is Rick. He's played arena football.
- Hi. I'm Mary. - Hi. Nice to meet you.
That's a weird little dude you got there.
Are you guys hungry? Is this place open 24 hours?
Thank you for coming for me.
What were you doing in the back seat?
Nothing. I was...
- You were stalking me. - No, I wasn't. I...
Okay. Yeah, I was stalking you just a little.
I just... I knew you were gonna do something you were gonna regret, and I...
Felicia. Why can't you just say it?
- Why can't you? - Well, I asked you first.
Fine. I'll say it.
- You love me. - Fine.
You love me, too, then.
Life is beautiful
But it's complicated
Thank God.
We barely make it
You fucking heifer.
- You fixed it! - Yeah.
Don't lean on it.
I guess you get to live.
You guys are amazing. - Thanks.
Let's talk seriously for a second.
I figure with the parts and labor, you know, out the door... 4,200.
Oh. Um...
- It's just a round number. - Yeah. No, I didn't really...
I don't know what to...
I'm fucking with you, Ian. We're good, man.
- Wait, I mean, you're serious? - Yeah. I'm serious. We're good. No worries.
- You sure? - Yeah, of course.
- Thank you, man. - It's what I live for,
fixing other people's shit for free.
Yeah.
- Hey. - Straight home, pussy!
- Dude, we got to go. - Fucking piece of shit!
You go on ahead. I think I'm gonna stay here, kick it Amish.
Dude, what are you talking about?
I don't know, a little hard work, fresh air, missionary position.
It's a man's life.
- Sounds pretty good, you know. - Yeah, it sounds...
Come on, Lance. Get serious.
Come here.
I gotta tell you, I'm impressed. I'm proud of you, you know.
You held out for a good one, the one you wanted.
And you fucking made it happen.
But, please, I'm begging you, go take that girl to visit Grandma.
- All right. - And when you do, don't...
- Lance, I got it. - Yeah?
Yeah.
Okay. I think you might.
- See you. - Bye.
Well, no, no, me, I never worry
Because, me, I never try
And I never care to hold onto what I just couldn't kiss goodbye
- Are you sure you're ready? - Yeah.
All right, well, come on, take them off.
Let's do it.
Yeah!
Oh, shit!
What the fuck!
Give me that fucking shoe...
You know what? Fuck you! I want a divorce.
A few weeks later, I was Felicia's date to Tiffany's wedding.
But this time, it wasn't a just-friends kind of thing.
And Rex did make my life hell for a while.
But that Thanksgiving,
we finally found out what's been up his ass all these years.
I'm gay! And, so, that's it.
By Christmas, my dad got used to the idea.
And Rex is actually a pretty great guy these days.
Yeah, now he only uses the word faggot during rough sex.
Karen and I want you to have this, for Christmas.
- Merry Christmas. - Thanks.
A juicer.
Oh, my gosh! That's so awesome. Wow, I gotta get some fruit.
Wow!
Thank you, thank you.
Dylan knocked up Becca and had to take my old job.
Let's see, what else?
Oh, Andy and Randy finally got a girlfriend.
And on New Year's Eve, Felicia and I finally visited Grandma.
Again?
Damn, yes.
- Felicia, you want to do this? - Yes.
Oh, that was awesome!
- Hey, boys. You get some rest? - Thanks, man. Thanks for fixing the bus.
- A pleasure. - Yeah, thanks for fixing our bus.
- Appreciate it. - Thanks for playing that show for us, too.
- Yeah, no worries. - It was a nice five-song set.
Yeah, what do you guys typically...
I assume you get compensated very well for that.
- Must be a good living. - Yeah, we do. I mean...
Yeah, you know, I... Gosh, if I was really to calculate
what you'd lose if this bus couldn't have gotten back on the road,
if you couldn't have gotten to your shows,
I imagine all those weeping teenage girls outside, "I need to dance."
Could we send you some pictures? We don't really have cash or anything.
- Some autographed photos? - Or we could give you CDs.
Yeah, we've got a lot of use for that around here.
There is a lot of work that needs to be done around here.
- You guys are some strapping young lads. - I don't know if we're really built for that.
- Yeah. - I can hear you.
I'm just saying, you guys put in a 20-minute show,
- we spent all night on the bus... - Yeah.
I mean, that was a lot of work.
We could maybe try to write a check later on,
or like I said, we could send you guys some CDs.
City folk are always trying to solve things with money.
It's the spirit of the community around here.
Lord, please bless this Fall Out Boy.
Keep him safe on the road.
Help him to aspire to the heights of Jon Bon Jovi.
- Help him to... - Thanks.
- Okay, thanks, man. - Thanks, man. We gotta roll.
- Amen. - We gotta roll, man. Thank you very much.
All right, boys. It was a pleasure meeting you.
I loved your penis on the Internet, by the way.
- Fucking asshole! - You're a dick!
Say my name and his in the same breath
I dare you to say they taste the same
Let the leaves fall off in the summer
And let December glow feel flames
Brace myself and let go
Start it over again in Mexico
These friends, they don't love you
They just love the hotel suites, now
I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said, I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Oh, take a chance, let your body get a tolerance
I'm not a chance, but a heat wave in your pants
Pull a breath like another cigarette
Palms up, I'm trading 'em
Trading 'em
I'm the oracle in my chest
Let the guitar scream like a fascist
Sweat it out, shut your mouth
Free love on the streets
But in the alley and I ain't that cheap, now
I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said, I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said I don't care just what you think
As long as it's about me
Said I don't care just what you think
As long as it's about me
Said I don't care, I don't care
No, I don't
I don't care, I don't care
I don't care
I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Said I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness
In misery
Hi. I'm Amanda Crew, professional actor.
You know in all the teen unrated DVDs,
you never really get to see the star's naughty parts.
Well, that is gonna change today.
That's right. Take a seat,
maybe close the door so mom doesn't come in.
Get all ready. Looks good.
Here we go.
Suckers!
This is serious matter.
Run for your life.
Oh, shit! You know what? We see the fake balls on the table there.
All right. We'll shoot another. Cut. - Cut.
Subtitles by LeapinLar