×ÖÄ» Nothing says classy like two-day-old pants.
×ÖÄ» Help yourself to mine. Third drawer down.
×ÖÄ» Thanks, but I don't wear thongs.
×ÖÄ» -No, I've really... I've got to go. -Come on, stay. Five minutes.
×ÖÄ» Hmm, well...
×ÖÄ» No, I'm not doing that. I've got,
×ÖÄ» like, a million boxes to unpack.
×ÖÄ» All I'm suggesting is that you have time for a cup of tea.
×ÖÄ» Come round later when I've unpacked my kettle.
×ÖÄ» And for the record, you usually take longer than five minutes.
×ÖÄ» Oh, yeah?
×ÖÄ» To drink a cup of tea. To drink tea...
×ÖÄ» To drink tea!
×ÖÄ» Nothing else!
×ÖÄ» So, I was thinking...
×ÖÄ» about how this is all very challenging for you, isn't it?
×ÖÄ» I mean, if you don't know why a car's broken,
×ÖÄ» how are you gonna go ahead and fix said car?
×ÖÄ» -But I've found the thing that's broken. -Sounds encouraging.
×ÖÄ» See, earlier on my flatmate, Angus,
×ÖÄ» mentioned wanting to go out to pick up girls,
×ÖÄ» and I suddenly felt this sort of...
×ÖÄ» kernel of dread at the prospect.
×ÖÄ» And that's not me, you see, I don't do kernels of dread.
×ÖÄ» So you want me to help you go out on the pull again?
×ÖÄ» You make it sound petty.
×ÖÄ» The point of this is to get me back to normal, isn't it?
×ÖÄ» Well, my normal happens to be wanting to go out
×ÖÄ» and sleep with a shit-ton of attractive people.
×ÖÄ» So that's... that's the finish line.
×ÖÄ» Did you ever want anything else?
×ÖÄ» I did ask Father Christmas for a pump-action Super Soaker once.
×ÖÄ» -Still waiting on that. -You're avoiding the question.
×ÖÄ» -I am allowed to do that. -And I'm allowed to call you on it.
×ÖÄ» Was sex always what you were after?
×ÖÄ» Did you never want a relationship?
×ÖÄ» It's water under the bridge now.
×ÖÄ» It was really just your timing.
×ÖÄ» -My timing was bad. -
×ÖÄ» -And your delivery. -Also true. Yeah.
×ÖÄ» -Actually, it's all coming back to me now. -Oh, good.
×ÖÄ» It was sort of your behavior in general that was really shitty.
×ÖÄ» Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
×ÖÄ» But hopefully some happy memories, too?
×ÖÄ» Yeah, in a way.
×ÖÄ» But mostly not, no.
×ÖÄ» Still, like you say, water under the bridge.
×ÖÄ» Okay. Two more lattes,
×ÖÄ» two more slices of the Valentine's cheesecake.
×ÖÄ» -Are they all for you? -You need a new joke.
×ÖÄ» It's still got a couple more weeks in it.
×ÖÄ» How're the tips today?
×ÖÄ» Are you feeling the financial love of many strangers?
×ÖÄ» Well, one guy did ask me out to dinner.
×ÖÄ» I told him I was spoken for,
×ÖÄ» even though you didn't get me flowers.
×ÖÄ» -Yet. -Clock's ticking.
×ÖÄ» Listen, if he'd like to take you to this dance this evening,
×ÖÄ» then, you know, I'd be okay with stepping aside.
×ÖÄ» -You'll love it, okay? -Of course I will.
×ÖÄ» -I really won't. -What's the thing?
×ÖÄ» We're going to a Valentine's Day ceilidh.
×ÖÄ» It's like line dancing but even worse.
×ÖÄ» - And way more Scottish. -I went to one, like, four years ago.
×ÖÄ» Everyone knew what they were doing except me.
×ÖÄ» After about ten minutes, you could literally see people
×ÖÄ» arranging themselves so they wouldn't have to partner up with me.
×ÖÄ» What about you? What are you doing for the big day, Cara?
×ÖÄ» -Is it a big day? -It's a whole day about love.
×ÖÄ» None of the other emotions get their own day.
×ÖÄ» Well, Ben's away again, so, um...
×ÖÄ» I'll be celebrating my love of pizza and Call of Duty 3.
×ÖÄ» Who said romance was dead?
×ÖÄ» If it's that or a ceilidh, then I envy you.
×ÖÄ» No, you don't.
×ÖÄ» -Do you wanna go out later? -Celebrate in style?
×ÖÄ» -Celebrate what? -February the 14th?
×ÖÄ» Ugh, is it Valentine's Day?
×ÖÄ» That crept up on us.
×ÖÄ» -No, let's definitely not go out. What? -
×ÖÄ» All the restaurants will be packed with moon-faced idiots
×ÖÄ» who feel obligated to buy overpriced roses
×ÖÄ» while trying to hold hands while they eat,
×ÖÄ» which actually is just...
×ÖÄ» - -completely impractical.
×ÖÄ» -Are you joking or not? -Do I sound like I'm joking?
×ÖÄ» You do know it's... it's also my birthday?
×ÖÄ» -Yeah. -Yeah. But did you actually know that?
×ÖÄ» I was checking if you're free.
×ÖÄ» 'Cause for a minute there, it seemed like you didn't know.
×ÖÄ» You ruined the whole thing I had going on.
×ÖÄ» -Okay. -Happy birthday.
×ÖÄ» Of course we're celebrating.
×ÖÄ» Mal is having a birthday today!
×ÖÄ» I thought I'd have years before I had to deal with a birthday
×ÖÄ» -and just like that it's happened.
×ÖÄ» -His birthday's on Valentine's Day?
×ÖÄ» I don't know if it kills
×ÖÄ» two birds with one stone or ups the pressure?
×ÖÄ» We've only been going out a few months.
×ÖÄ» People like you are to blame for making this difficult.
×ÖÄ» I totally agree. Dylan is the problem here.
×ÖÄ» It's all well and good being wishy-washy and full of feelings,
×ÖÄ» but at some point people
×ÖÄ» have to convert those feelings into money spent
×ÖÄ» on actual stuff that tells a person how you feel about them.
×ÖÄ» What you need is a book token.
×ÖÄ» Fine. How much should I spend?
×ÖÄ» -Don't give him book tokens! -
×ÖÄ» Don't tease me about this!
×ÖÄ» Okay. What is a gift that says, "So far...
×ÖÄ» I'm quite enjoying hanging out with you"?
×ÖÄ» Barkeep, skinny cap. Let's go.
×ÖÄ» -I'm cutting you off. -What? Why?
×ÖÄ» I've had, like, two little cappuccin-chows. Cuppy-chan-chins.
×ÖÄ» Evie needs some romantic advice.
×ÖÄ» Reverse cowgirl. Done. Next?
×ÖÄ» Take him dancing. Everyone loves that.
×ÖÄ» I'm gonna give you a list of things guys like. Pen, please.
×ÖÄ» Hey, I don't need sex advice.
×ÖÄ» I just need advice on... everything else.
×ÖÄ» Okay, well, tell Mal he just missed out on a very happy birthday.
×ÖÄ» Dylan. What do I do?
×ÖÄ» -You could write him a poem? -I'd rather break up with him.
×ÖÄ» -Luke? -Jo.
×ÖÄ» Fuck. Uh, hello. Hi.
×ÖÄ» -Uh... what are you doing here?
×ÖÄ» -Uh, conference. I'm a doctor now.
×ÖÄ» Oh, I'm still not a doctor. It's pretty much no change with me.
×ÖÄ» -How long has it been? Like, five years? -Longer.
×ÖÄ» It could be... It could be longer.
×ÖÄ» I'd say, "Do you wanna get a coffee?"
×ÖÄ» But you're already carrying one.
×ÖÄ» This one's nearly done, actually. So...
×ÖÄ» Mmm-hmm.
×ÖÄ» That was good. I could use another.
×ÖÄ» Do you want to do this properly? Like, get a drink?
×ÖÄ» It's just, it's been so long. Are you around this weekend?
×ÖÄ» -Tonight? - On Valentine's?
×ÖÄ» -You know, if you're free. -I'm surprised you are.
×ÖÄ» -You were always Mr. Relationship. -Well, today's your lucky day.
×ÖÄ» Same number?
×ÖÄ» No, honestly, Jo. I mean, literally nothing about me has changed.
×ÖÄ» Okay.
×ÖÄ» Nothing expensive. Nothing that involves me singing.
×ÖÄ» Nothing that involves his family. Nothing that Luke would do.
×ÖÄ» Nothing sexy or heartfelt or way too thoughtful.
×ÖÄ» I once wrote, "Be Mine" On a girl's ceiling using glow stars.
×ÖÄ» I was hiding under the bed.
×ÖÄ» That was the second bit of the surprise.
×ÖÄ» In retrospect, I didn't know her well enough to be doing that.
×ÖÄ» It didn't end well.
×ÖÄ» Cara, what have you got?
×ÖÄ» How do you actually feel about this guy?
×ÖÄ» -I'm not indifferent to him. -That belongs on a greetings card.
×ÖÄ» Well, I do want him to feel happy and stuff.
×ÖÄ» -Why don't you cook him something?
×ÖÄ» -I've eaten your pasta and I didn't die.
×ÖÄ» It's not expensive or clever or particularly thoughtful,
×ÖÄ» or weird and frightening.
×ÖÄ» It's just eating at our house with a tiny bit of effort.
×ÖÄ» I like it!
×ÖÄ» So, do they cover this in your course?
×ÖÄ» It's native to the Himalayas. Grows as a weed in the wild there.
×ÖÄ» -Weed grows as a weed? -I know more about rhododendrons.
×ÖÄ» Ugh, don't go.
×ÖÄ» Just stay here, do something you don't really enjoy
×ÖÄ» in order to keep me company.
×ÖÄ» No one's given me a landscaping job.
×ÖÄ» Yeah, but they will once you're qualified.
×ÖÄ» No, look, obviously it's cool
×ÖÄ» you've got something you wanna work towards.
×ÖÄ» Beats coasting aimlessly.
×ÖÄ» Maybe weed's the problem for me.
×ÖÄ» I don't smoke that much when Ben's around, but, like...
×ÖÄ» lately he's been gone three weeks in the last month,
×ÖÄ» and... I seem to have stopped washing my clothes.
×ÖÄ» Showering?
×ÖÄ» Occasionally.
×ÖÄ» -Do you want some? -No, not for me.
×ÖÄ» I'm... I'm already paranoid enough about tonight.
×ÖÄ» -Too many steps to think about. -
×ÖÄ» Do you want me to teach you the basics?
×ÖÄ» I could come over and talk you through it before you go.
×ÖÄ» Really? That would be amazing.
×ÖÄ» Oh! You were in there hours!
×ÖÄ» -You smell fruity. -It's Valentine's Day, Dyl.
×ÖÄ» I've got fresh-scented roses to compete with.
×ÖÄ» So who is she?
×ÖÄ» -No one special. - Luke!
×ÖÄ» -What have you done to the bathroom? -I've showered?
×ÖÄ» Yeah, I can see that. I went to have a shower
×ÖÄ» and there are tiny black hairs everywhere.
×ÖÄ» -Uh-huh. Those would be my pubes. -Oh, my God!
×ÖÄ» -Why? -Plenty of guys shave down there, Evie.
×ÖÄ» That is so, so gross. Okay, Mal is coming over
×ÖÄ» -and the bath looks like it's got stubble. -Good.
×ÖÄ» So you're wearing aftershave and you shaved your crotch.
×ÖÄ» -Who is she? -I don't want you guys to freak out,
×ÖÄ» but I bumped into Jo and there was a definite vibe.
×ÖÄ» You're not trying to get back with her, are you?
×ÖÄ» -What's the big deal? -You were a mess!
×ÖÄ» -For about... Arguably still. - Just don't get your hopes up.
×ÖÄ» Just don't get hurt again.
×ÖÄ» Guys, guys, guys ... it's fine. It's just ex sex.
×ÖÄ» It's taking a stroll in the old neighborhood.
×ÖÄ» It's just booting up the Mega Drive one last time,
×ÖÄ» see if you're still good at Road Rash.
×ÖÄ» Clean the bath!
×ÖÄ» Clean it with fire!
×ÖÄ» You'll need this.
×ÖÄ» Found it in a record shop on Glaven Street.
×ÖÄ» No doubt you'll wanna go back for more.
×ÖÄ» I didn't get changed. Sorry.
×ÖÄ» Oh, hey, what? This old thing?
×ÖÄ» -It's practically my jammies. -
×ÖÄ» No, you look great.
×ÖÄ» So, how are you?
×ÖÄ» What have you been up to for the last five years?
×ÖÄ» Yeah, good. Busy.
×ÖÄ» You know, work mostly. You?
×ÖÄ» Yeah, same. As always.
×ÖÄ» And single on Valentine's Day.
×ÖÄ» First time in three years.
×ÖÄ» Well, here's to old times.
×ÖÄ» To old times.
×ÖÄ» Happy Valentine.
×ÖÄ» Okay. Right.
×ÖÄ» -Come stand in front of me. -Mmm-hmm.
×ÖÄ» Now, if you're not dancing with Emma,
×ÖÄ» and you shouldn't stick with her all night...
×ÖÄ» -Yep. -then the first thing you need to do
×ÖÄ» is find a partner.
×ÖÄ» Right, okay.
×ÖÄ» -Don't ask people that are sitting down. -Right.
×ÖÄ» -Find someone who's milling about. -Milling about.
×ÖÄ» Good. Oh, okay...
×ÖÄ» Um... Excuse me. Would you like to dance?
×ÖÄ» -No. -No.
×ÖÄ» Sometimes people say no.
×ÖÄ» -Okay, that's fine. -Mmm-hmm. Yep.
×ÖÄ» -Just move on quickly. -Right.
×ÖÄ» -You've only got a minute. Come on. -Okay. All right.
×ÖÄ» Um, okay.
×ÖÄ» Uh, would you like to dance?
×ÖÄ» -I'd love to. Okay. -
×ÖÄ» Starting with a basic, Strip the Willow.
×ÖÄ» Mmm-hmm.
×ÖÄ» So, you take my hand.
×ÖÄ» -I grip there and then... -Mmm-hmm.
×ÖÄ» ...join hands in the middle.
×ÖÄ» I'm... going to put the music on.
×ÖÄ» -Mmm-hmm. -That's what we need.
×ÖÄ» -Mmm-hmm. -
×ÖÄ» It's been really nice to see you again.
×ÖÄ» Hey, we could get some food.
×ÖÄ» There's a great place round the corner.
×ÖÄ» Nowhere's gonna have a table tonight.
×ÖÄ» Well, let's give it a try?
×ÖÄ» Or...
×ÖÄ» Or what?
×ÖÄ» Do you have any food at your place?
×ÖÄ» Wow.
×ÖÄ» - The lighting's not great. -
×ÖÄ» It's actually quite dark now.
×ÖÄ» Do you want to see your food? Not that it matters.
×ÖÄ» Uh... I don't know.
×ÖÄ» Lights back on? No, keep them off, keep them off.
×ÖÄ» It smells amazing. What is it?
×ÖÄ» -Oh, it's just... it's just pesto. -Any nuts?
×ÖÄ» Uh, no, no. Just, uh, cheese and herbs,
×ÖÄ» and some seeds and...
×ÖÄ» I'm sorry I couldn't afford a restaurant.
×ÖÄ» Well, I... I could, but, you know,
×ÖÄ» if you'd ordered the steak and stuff
×ÖÄ» I would have been like, "Shit." That's not very romantic.
×ÖÄ» So...
×ÖÄ» Sorry, I don't really know why I said that.
×ÖÄ» Evie, this is perfect.
×ÖÄ» Now turn.
×ÖÄ» Yeah!
×ÖÄ» -Oh, my God. -
×ÖÄ» Very good.
×ÖÄ» Now, they're gonna do waltzes.
×ÖÄ» -It's Valentine's Day. -Mmm-hmm.
×ÖÄ» -Mmm. -They'll probably do Rozsa.
×ÖÄ» Do you wanna give that a crack or have you got it covered?
×ÖÄ» Let's do it.
×ÖÄ» Okay.
×ÖÄ» Are you ready?
×ÖÄ» Mmm. What's the crunchy stuff?
×ÖÄ» Pine kernels.
×ÖÄ» Did I not mention the nut allergy?
×ÖÄ» No, they're not nuts, they're seeds.
×ÖÄ» Okay, just to clarify, I have a nut and pine kernel allergy.
×ÖÄ» Are you all right with this?
×ÖÄ» Oh, yeah. Very much so. In a big way.
×ÖÄ» It's just...
×ÖÄ» this can only be a one-time thing, and...
×ÖÄ» after the weekend I'm heading back and...
×ÖÄ» I just don't want you to
×ÖÄ» think that I think this is gonna lead to...
×ÖÄ» Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, of course.
×ÖÄ» Yeah. I know, it's just a... It's just a one-night thing.
×ÖÄ» Okay. That's the small print out of the way.
×ÖÄ» Pen...
×ÖÄ» -Pen. -Pen.
×ÖÄ» EpiPen! In my jacket!
×ÖÄ» Don't go unconscious!
×ÖÄ» Mal!
×ÖÄ» - -
×ÖÄ» Do I not stab it in your heart, like in Pulp Fiction?
×ÖÄ» -Condom? -Yeah, good point.
×ÖÄ» -Let me. -Ooh.
×ÖÄ» Don't worry. It's like a bus.
×ÖÄ» -One comes along every few minutes. -
×ÖÄ» Fuck!
×ÖÄ» -Oh! -Um...
×ÖÄ» This has literally never happened to me before.
×ÖÄ» -It's okay. -No, no, honestly,
×ÖÄ» I mean, like, this is genuinely not one of my problems.
×ÖÄ» I get, like... I get quite dry skin during winter, um...
×ÖÄ» I get fairly bad hay fever.
×ÖÄ» One of my feet's bigger than the other, but that is honestly it.
×ÖÄ» I'm not... This doesn't... You know I'm good for this, right?
×ÖÄ» Of course I do.
×ÖÄ» I have to break up with Emma.
×ÖÄ» On Valentine's Day?
×ÖÄ» Great timing.
×ÖÄ» I'd honestly... I hadn't thought about you in that way.
×ÖÄ» Emma's a beautiful girl. I could see how she'd be distracting.
×ÖÄ» -Look, anyway I've got a boyfriend.
×ÖÄ» -But it doesn't sound like it's working.
×ÖÄ» We don't get to spend
×ÖÄ» enough time together for me to know either way.
×ÖÄ» -So? -No.
×ÖÄ» I don't know.
×ÖÄ» I think I'm just lonely.
×ÖÄ» And I think that it's just wrong without...
×ÖÄ» I just... Don't.
×ÖÄ» Because if you touch me, I'm not gonna want you to stop,
×ÖÄ» and that is not helpful to anyone.
×ÖÄ» I'm gonna take off.
×ÖÄ» But what if that's a mistake?
×ÖÄ» Neither of us is sure, though.
×ÖÄ» Are we?
×ÖÄ» You're gonna be late for Emma.
×ÖÄ» Of all the people for this
×ÖÄ» to happen with in the world, it had to be you?
×ÖÄ» What does that mean?
×ÖÄ» I wanted this to be great.
×ÖÄ» -I wanted you to want to do it again.
×ÖÄ» -I've just broken up with someone.
×ÖÄ» Ah, okay, so rebound territory.
×ÖÄ» -Fair enough. -I'm really sorry.
×ÖÄ» I thought this was like an old friends type of thing.
×ÖÄ» Has there really not been anyone else?
×ÖÄ» There was one girl, but... she was going out with Dylan, so.
×ÖÄ» Was, as in isn't anymore?
×ÖÄ» I'm gonna go.
×ÖÄ» I don't regret this, you know.
×ÖÄ» I mean, I feel fucking terrible,
×ÖÄ» but... at least that's something, eh?
×ÖÄ» You should call her.
×ÖÄ» If Dylan's your friend, he'll be happy for you.
×ÖÄ» -Worst birthday ever? -
×ÖÄ» Just so you know...
×ÖÄ» -I am really bad at birthdays. -
×ÖÄ» And I did forget.
×ÖÄ» And I'm probably gonna suck at Christmas, too.
×ÖÄ» I just...
×ÖÄ» Oh, I just wanted to get it right.
×ÖÄ» I just wanted you to think that I cared about you.
×ÖÄ» Because you do care about me?
×ÖÄ» Broke up with Emma at the dance.
×ÖÄ» It was not well-received.
×ÖÄ» -Be my valentine, Dylan. -
×ÖÄ» I'm not even asking, man. I'm insisting.
×ÖÄ» I just voluntarily cut my own heart out
×ÖÄ» and drop-kicked it over a cliff.
×ÖÄ» Don't you even think about moving.
×ÖÄ» Don't worry. I won't.
×ÖÄ» The day after you dumped me on Valentine's Day--
×ÖÄ» I think we actually broke
×ÖÄ» up in the early hours of February the 15th.
×ÖÄ» -So technically, I didn't-- -Well, the very next day,
×ÖÄ» you and Cara both resigned.
×ÖÄ» I mean, come on.
×ÖÄ» -Coincidence? -Is that what this is about? Me and Cara?
×ÖÄ» Yeah, you two were always giggling away together.
×ÖÄ» Does not take a genius.
×ÖÄ» I was single for ages after you and me broke up.
×ÖÄ» Okay. You know what, I... I did like her.
×ÖÄ» I, um... Took me a long time to realize it,
×ÖÄ» but, um... I did.
×ÖÄ» Uh, so I broke up with you
×ÖÄ» and I thought I was doing the right thing.
×ÖÄ» -But you two never got together? -No.
×ÖÄ» Maybe that could've been something.
×ÖÄ» Maybe I should've fought harder for her. But I didn't.
×ÖÄ» So... that's that.
×ÖÄ» I heard she got married.
×ÖÄ» I'm getting married as well.
×ÖÄ» I'm very happy for you.
×ÖÄ» How about you?
×ÖÄ» Just trying to not make the same mistakes twice.
×ÖÄ» Three times.
×ÖÄ» God knows how many times.
×ÖÄ» Well, once was enough for me.
×ÖÄ» I'm sorry, was I supposed to say something?
×ÖÄ» Is it fair to say that your friendships
×ÖÄ» make you feel safer than your romantic relationships?
×ÖÄ» Seems like a rather crude analysis to me.
×ÖÄ» If you refuse to let sex be
×ÖÄ» about love or friendship, what does that leave?
×ÖÄ» Uh... all the good stuff?
×ÖÄ» Anyway, I have love.
×ÖÄ» I love my friends and they love me back.
×ÖÄ» Talk to me about Jo and Phoebe.
×ÖÄ» Oh, God. I can't believe I'm paying you for this.
×ÖÄ» Everyone wants to be loved.
×ÖÄ» Nobody wants to get hurt.
×ÖÄ» But you don't get to have
×ÖÄ» one without the possibility of the other.
×ÖÄ» Sorry, so is it my turn again?
×ÖÄ» I, uh... I noticed your plates struggling to drip dry,
×ÖÄ» and I know everyone likes a dry plate, so...
×ÖÄ» Solving my kitchen problems.
×ÖÄ» My prince!
×ÖÄ» Oh.
×ÖÄ» Sorry it's not as practical.
×ÖÄ» What am I meant to do with this? What's its function?
×ÖÄ» It's a device for turning sunlight, rain and soil into color.
×ÖÄ» I've got something for you.
×ÖÄ» I'm literally giving you...
×ÖÄ» nothing.
×ÖÄ» This whole empty space is yours.
×ÖÄ» Would it ruin it if I sometimes left some socks in there?
×ÖÄ» I could tolerate that.
×ÖÄ» Thank you. I like it a lot.
×ÖÄ» -It's not too premature? -Don't think so.
×ÖÄ» It's exactly what I wanted.