1 00:01:03,375 --> 00:01:04,915 Good evening. 2 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:13,874 I'm from Essex, in case you couldn't tell. 3 00:01:14,791 --> 00:01:17,457 My given name is Dickie, 4 00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:22,499 l come from Billericay, and l'm doing. .. 5 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,082 (DRUM ROLL) 6 00:01:24,166 --> 00:01:26,374 .. .very well! 7 00:01:26,458 --> 00:01:27,874 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 8 00:01:27,958 --> 00:01:31,665 # Had a love affair with Nina in the back of my Cortina 9 00:01:31,750 --> 00:01:36,249 # A seasoned up hyena could not have been more obscener 10 00:01:36,416 --> 00:01:41,082 # She took me to the cleaners and other misdemeanours 11 00:01:41,166 --> 00:01:45,040 # But l got right up between her Rum and her Ribena 12 00:01:45,125 --> 00:01:46,540 (SLIDE WHISTLE) 13 00:01:46,625 --> 00:01:50,290 # Well, you ask Joyce and Vicky 14 00:01:50,791 --> 00:01:54,582 # lf candy-floss is sticky 15 00:01:55,625 --> 00:01:57,624 # l ain't a blinking thicky 16 00:01:58,041 --> 00:01:59,915 # l'm Billericay Dickie 17 00:02:00,125 --> 00:02:03,582 # And l'm doing very well 18 00:02:03,666 --> 00:02:05,207 (AUDlENCE WHOOPlNG) 19 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,457 # l bought a lot of brandy 20 00:02:07,541 --> 00:02:09,915 # When l was courting Sandy 21 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:12,207 # Took eight to make her randy 22 00:02:12,291 --> 00:02:14,582 # And all l had was shandy 23 00:02:14,791 --> 00:02:17,124 # Another thing with Sandy 24 00:02:17,250 --> 00:02:19,499 # What often came in handy 25 00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:21,832 # Was passing her a mandy 26 00:02:21,916 --> 00:02:24,249 # She didn't half go bandy 27 00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:28,749 # Well, you ask Joyce and Vicky 28 00:02:28,833 --> 00:02:33,082 # lf l ever took the mickey 29 00:02:34,041 --> 00:02:36,124 # l ain't a common thicky 30 00:02:36,208 --> 00:02:38,415 # l'm Billericay Dickie 31 00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:42,665 # And l'm doing very well 32 00:02:43,333 --> 00:02:45,957 # l rendezvous with Janet 33 00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:48,290 # Quite near the Isle of Thanet 34 00:02:48,375 --> 00:02:50,707 # She looked more like a gannet 35 00:02:50,791 --> 00:02:53,124 # She wasn't half a prannet 36 00:02:53,208 --> 00:02:54,915 # Her mother tried to ban it 37 00:02:55,583 --> 00:02:57,749 # Her father helped me plan it "Go on, son" 38 00:02:58,166 --> 00:03:00,124 # And when l captured Janet 39 00:03:00,416 --> 00:03:02,999 # She bruised her pomegranate 40 00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:05,999 # Oh, you ask Joyce and Vicky 41 00:03:06,083 --> 00:03:07,499 (SCREAMING) 42 00:03:07,583 --> 00:03:11,457 # lf l ever shaped up tricky 43 00:03:11,541 --> 00:03:13,665 (SCREAMING) 44 00:03:13,916 --> 00:03:18,540 Tell him to shut that racket up! 45 00:03:18,625 --> 00:03:21,540 # And l'm doing very well! 46 00:03:21,625 --> 00:03:26,249 # You should never hold a candle 47 00:03:26,333 --> 00:03:29,124 # lf you don't know where it's been 48 00:03:31,125 --> 00:03:34,832 # The jackpot is in the handle 49 00:03:35,791 --> 00:03:39,415 # On a normal fruit machine 50 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:44,665 # So, you ask Joyce and Vicky 51 00:03:45,750 --> 00:03:48,790 # Who's their favourite brickie 52 00:03:50,375 --> 00:03:52,457 # l ain't a common thicky 53 00:03:52,541 --> 00:03:54,874 # l'm Billericay Dickie 54 00:03:54,958 --> 00:03:59,332 # And l'm doing very well 55 00:03:59,875 --> 00:04:04,040 # So, you ask Joyce and Vicky 56 00:04:04,250 --> 00:04:05,707 (BABY CRYING) 57 00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:09,540 # About Billericay Dickie 58 00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:11,499 (MOUTHING) 59 00:04:11,583 --> 00:04:14,124 # l ain't a fucking thicky l'm Billericay Dickie 60 00:04:14,375 --> 00:04:18,707 # And l'm doing very well # 61 00:04:19,875 --> 00:04:21,540 (AUDIENCE CHEERING WILDLY) 62 00:04:27,583 --> 00:04:29,415 IAN: One, two, one. .. 63 00:04:32,208 --> 00:04:34,040 (BAND PLAYING ROCK AND ROLL) 64 00:04:35,791 --> 00:04:37,332 (WAILING) 65 00:04:37,541 --> 00:04:39,040 (CRYING) 66 00:04:40,541 --> 00:04:42,999 (IAN SINGING OFF-KEY) 67 00:04:44,416 --> 00:04:48,499 Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, hold on, hold on. 68 00:04:48,958 --> 00:04:50,957 -Your timing's off, mate. -Well, you're out of tune. 69 00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:53,457 This ain't jazz. Learn to play drums and I'll learn to sing in tune. 70 00:04:53,541 --> 00:04:54,999 Let's be nice, lads. 71 00:04:55,083 --> 00:04:56,915 IAN: How can you tell if a stage is level? 72 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,082 'Cause the drummer dribbles out of both sides of his mouth! 73 00:05:00,083 --> 00:05:01,874 -Yeah, very bleedin' funny. -Not as funny as this, mate. 74 00:05:01,958 --> 00:05:03,582 -You're fucking fired! -What? 75 00:05:03,666 --> 00:05:05,415 -Oh, not again! -IAN: Oh, yes! 76 00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:07,290 -Oh, I'll take the equipment, then. -All right. 77 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:09,749 Your body odour smells like a fucking orang-utan on heat. 78 00:05:09,833 --> 00:05:11,332 DRUMMER: You smell like your mother's cock and balls. 79 00:05:11,416 --> 00:05:12,999 BAND MATE: Two fucking cymbals, mate. 80 00:05:13,083 --> 00:05:14,540 -Come on, then. -IAN: Who wants him out? 81 00:05:14,708 --> 00:05:16,457 (BABY WHIMPERING) 82 00:05:24,125 --> 00:05:26,124 I've just given birth. Any chance you could keep the noise down? 83 00:05:26,208 --> 00:05:27,874 Oh! 84 00:05:31,958 --> 00:05:33,540 It's a boy. 85 00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:35,374 You are so clever. 86 00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:40,582 I'll be in the kitchen, all right? 87 00:05:43,166 --> 00:05:44,999 (CRYING WITH JOY) 88 00:05:45,458 --> 00:05:47,374 (BABY CRYING) 89 00:05:48,833 --> 00:05:50,540 Now look what you done. 90 00:06:03,916 --> 00:06:06,207 We're all on our own now, son. 91 00:06:06,291 --> 00:06:07,665 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 92 00:06:08,791 --> 00:06:10,332 Now listen, you monkeys. 93 00:06:10,791 --> 00:06:12,207 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 94 00:06:12,291 --> 00:06:14,874 Stories are what we tell ourselves 95 00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:18,415 to make ourselves feel better about ourselves. 96 00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:23,374 So, never let the truth get in the way of a good story. 97 00:06:24,708 --> 00:06:27,040 Once upon a time, 98 00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:32,040 in a mystical land far, far away, 99 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:34,124 weIl, Southend-on-Sea, 100 00:06:34,208 --> 00:06:36,499 a young prince holidayed. 101 00:06:36,583 --> 00:06:38,957 His name was lan Dury. 102 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:43,915 He was handsome, healthy, highly intelligent. 103 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,207 And brilliant at swimming. 104 00:06:47,291 --> 00:06:48,999 AUDIENCE: Oh! 105 00:06:49,083 --> 00:06:52,957 (DRUM ROLL) 106 00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:56,749 (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) 107 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,790 IAN: Look at me. Weren't l a lovely little chap? 108 00:07:02,583 --> 00:07:04,082 (WHISTLING) 109 00:07:04,166 --> 00:07:05,999 (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING) 110 00:07:08,708 --> 00:07:13,832 But in the pool, evil lurked. 111 00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:23,374 lts name was polio. A water-borne contamination. 112 00:07:23,458 --> 00:07:27,415 A virus, and when it gets into your system, you've had it. 113 00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:29,165 (SIREN BLARING) 114 00:07:29,250 --> 00:07:30,957 Pay attention, chaps! 115 00:07:31,958 --> 00:07:34,749 The polio virus, a.k.a. the crippler. 116 00:07:34,875 --> 00:07:37,582 lt attacks the nervous system here, here and here. 117 00:07:37,666 --> 00:07:40,540 Makes you bloody nervous 'cause it can bloody well kill you! 118 00:07:40,916 --> 00:07:45,249 It infIames the brainstem, fucks with the spinal cord, 119 00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:48,207 leading to paralysis and muscular wasting. 120 00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:52,207 Lock up your children. No one is safe! 121 00:07:52,291 --> 00:07:54,749 A monstrous epidemic. 122 00:08:07,458 --> 00:08:08,999 Daddy! 123 00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:25,707 (TYRES SQUEALING) 124 00:08:29,791 --> 00:08:31,249 (LEG BRACE CLICKING) 125 00:08:48,708 --> 00:08:51,207 (PEOPLE CHATTERING) 126 00:08:53,583 --> 00:08:56,415 Bloody hell. It's the Muppets! 127 00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,832 We are the band. 128 00:09:06,916 --> 00:09:08,999 (SCOFFING) You've got to be joking? 129 00:09:13,833 --> 00:09:16,374 We was going to call ourselves Cripple, Nigger, Yid, 130 00:09:16,458 --> 00:09:17,832 Chink and Dead Fish, 131 00:09:19,250 --> 00:09:21,082 but we didn't get any bookings. 132 00:09:21,666 --> 00:09:24,332 Could you direct us to the artistes' dressing rooms? 133 00:09:29,625 --> 00:09:31,540 Oh, you are so gonna miss all of this. 134 00:09:31,958 --> 00:09:34,999 When we've made our millions and we're playing Hammersmith Odeon.. . 135 00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:37,957 Why, don't they have three inches of piss in the dressing rooms? 136 00:09:38,291 --> 00:09:41,915 Nah, it's all shag pile carpets and extraordinary acoustics. 137 00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,249 (CHILDREN CHATTERING) 138 00:09:44,708 --> 00:09:49,207 # For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow.. . # 139 00:09:49,750 --> 00:09:51,749 Oi. Did you hear the one about the dyslexic pimp 140 00:09:51,833 --> 00:09:52,957 who set up a warehouse? 141 00:09:54,666 --> 00:09:56,207 (ALL LAUGHING) 142 00:09:56,541 --> 00:09:58,040 IAN: Go on, my son! 143 00:09:58,125 --> 00:09:59,582 # And so say all of us # 144 00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,457 Yay! 145 00:10:02,041 --> 00:10:03,624 Is Dad coming? 146 00:10:04,166 --> 00:10:06,124 Hey, what do you call a man with paper trousers? 147 00:10:06,291 --> 00:10:07,915 Russell. 148 00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:10,249 Hope you don't mind me saying so, Russell, 149 00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:13,082 but you are being a rather miserable old cunt. 150 00:10:13,166 --> 00:10:14,624 What do you think we should spend our money on? 151 00:10:14,708 --> 00:10:18,624 I don't know. Birthday presents? Birthday hats? Birthday cards? 152 00:10:20,541 --> 00:10:22,040 (WHISTLES) 153 00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:24,249 BOY: Hey, everyone! Let's give him the bumps! 154 00:10:24,333 --> 00:10:26,249 Let's give him the bumps! 155 00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:27,999 (CHILDREN CHATTERING) 156 00:10:28,791 --> 00:10:30,249 Well, l'd just like to say 157 00:10:30,333 --> 00:10:32,957 that you've been a monumentally atrocious audience tonight, 158 00:10:33,041 --> 00:10:35,540 apart from the faithful few at the front, it's the worst gig.. . 159 00:10:35,625 --> 00:10:37,249 Yes, a big hand for you lot. 160 00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:39,582 lt's the worst gig we've ever played since Sidcup Crematorium. 161 00:10:39,708 --> 00:10:41,207 (CHILDREN SHOUTING) 162 00:10:41,291 --> 00:10:44,124 But we'd like to finish anyway with a song called Blackmail Man. 163 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:47,165 CHILDREN: One! Two! IAN: One, two. One, two, three, four! 164 00:10:48,250 --> 00:10:50,249 Three! Four! 165 00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:53,124 (PLAYING BLACKMAlL MAN) 166 00:10:53,625 --> 00:10:57,790 # l'm an lrish cripple, a Scottish Jew l'm the blackmail man 167 00:10:57,875 --> 00:11:01,624 # A raspberry ripple, a buckle my shoe l'm the blackmail man 168 00:11:01,708 --> 00:11:03,457 # A silvery spoon, a bubble and squeak 169 00:11:03,541 --> 00:11:05,040 # l'm the blackmail man 170 00:11:05,458 --> 00:11:07,790 # Well, l'm the blackmail man and l know what you do, every one of you 171 00:11:07,875 --> 00:11:09,249 # l'm the blackmail man 172 00:11:09,333 --> 00:11:11,124 # You make me sick, make me Tom and Dick 173 00:11:11,208 --> 00:11:13,124 # Blackmail man, blackmail man 174 00:11:14,666 --> 00:11:16,290 (WHISTLES) 175 00:11:16,375 --> 00:11:20,499 I wouldn't have booked 'em if I'd known. What a load of shite. 176 00:11:21,291 --> 00:11:22,707 Can't hold a tune. 177 00:11:23,791 --> 00:11:27,249 (SINGING INCOHERENTLY) 178 00:11:27,541 --> 00:11:29,540 (BAND PLAYING OUT OF TUNE) 179 00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:32,749 Come on, Russell, get it right, you doughnut. 180 00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:35,665 WOMAN: You're fucking shit! Get off! IAN: Fuck off! 181 00:11:36,041 --> 00:11:37,499 (EXPLODING) 182 00:11:37,750 --> 00:11:41,124 Russ! Where are you going? Russell, wait. Wait! 183 00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:43,207 # Fraser and Nash pony and trap 184 00:11:43,291 --> 00:11:45,207 # Up your 'arris, in your mince 185 00:11:45,291 --> 00:11:48,499 # Hamptons don't leave fingerprints l'm the blackmail man 186 00:11:49,583 --> 00:11:51,207 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 187 00:11:54,291 --> 00:11:56,332 MAN: Call that singing? You're shit. 188 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:57,874 Fuck off! 189 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,290 (AUDIENCE CHANTING AND CHEERING) 190 00:12:02,875 --> 00:12:06,332 I'm more of an Emerson, Lake and Palmer man myself. 191 00:12:17,833 --> 00:12:19,915 I thought you were fucking great. 192 00:12:20,916 --> 00:12:22,374 Really? 193 00:12:24,083 --> 00:12:27,165 Great as in celebrated, 194 00:12:28,291 --> 00:12:31,707 illustrious, famous? 195 00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:38,707 Or great as in large, fat, bloated? 196 00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:42,124 Something you do to a nutmeg, perhaps? 197 00:12:42,958 --> 00:12:44,832 Great as in great! 198 00:12:46,083 --> 00:12:47,540 And I should know. 199 00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:50,040 I saw Jimi Hendrix before anyone. 200 00:12:50,583 --> 00:12:52,040 -Really? -Mmm-hmm. 201 00:12:52,125 --> 00:12:56,999 Tell me. Was Jimi. ..nice? 202 00:12:57,208 --> 00:13:00,374 Yeah. He was extremely polite. 203 00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:03,124 So, do you always wear those glasses? 204 00:13:03,208 --> 00:13:05,457 For your protection, my dear. 205 00:13:09,750 --> 00:13:14,040 I am very, very good with women. 206 00:13:15,375 --> 00:13:18,040 I used to live with me mum and her two sisters. 207 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,665 I like women so much, 208 00:13:22,666 --> 00:13:25,540 I used to think I was a repressed homosexual. 209 00:13:25,750 --> 00:13:27,332 (GIGGLING) 210 00:13:27,791 --> 00:13:29,332 But I'm not. 211 00:13:29,791 --> 00:13:34,249 Fortuitously, I am gorgeous to look at. 212 00:13:37,833 --> 00:13:40,374 Can I tickle your tonsils, please, miss? 213 00:13:42,625 --> 00:13:44,332 -Maybe. -Mmm. 214 00:13:45,375 --> 00:13:47,582 You have to be extremely polite. 215 00:13:49,666 --> 00:13:51,999 Oi, sling your hook. 216 00:13:52,083 --> 00:13:53,665 Just pay up what was agreed. 217 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,082 I didn't agree to a bunch of spazzers from the mental home. 218 00:13:56,166 --> 00:13:58,499 You see, that's just not a very spiritual thing to say! 219 00:13:58,583 --> 00:14:00,665 Well, have a look at your drummer! 220 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,415 RUSSELL: What's the problem? 221 00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:03,915 He can't leave the stage at the interval. 222 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,415 So? 223 00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:07,290 Well, it don't happen to fuckin' Pink Floyd, does it? 224 00:14:07,375 --> 00:14:09,957 And as for Long John Silver.. . Oi, mate, you puttin' it on? 225 00:14:10,041 --> 00:14:11,499 You didn't limp like that on stage. 226 00:14:11,583 --> 00:14:13,040 Oh, no. On stage I try to hover. 227 00:14:13,125 --> 00:14:15,999 Look, I'm sure we can come to some friendly agreement. 228 00:14:16,083 --> 00:14:18,415 Yeah, we can agree you can't sing, you're past it 229 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:20,165 and you look like a Potato Jesus. 230 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:22,332 -No offence. -None taken, 231 00:14:22,833 --> 00:14:24,624 you fat-ankled fucker. 232 00:14:25,541 --> 00:14:26,999 Fat ankles? 233 00:14:28,375 --> 00:14:30,749 I might be a fucking cripple, mate, but I'm dangerous, all right? 234 00:14:31,125 --> 00:14:33,415 You wanna sort out your inner calm. 235 00:14:34,125 --> 00:14:35,749 Nice one, Davey, go on. 236 00:14:37,666 --> 00:14:39,915 Go on, my son, get in there! 237 00:14:44,791 --> 00:14:46,332 (GLASS SHATTERING) 238 00:14:50,250 --> 00:14:52,665 Russell. Russ, we need to talk about this. 239 00:14:53,291 --> 00:14:57,165 There you are. There's your millions. Joke money, joke life. 240 00:14:58,166 --> 00:14:59,624 It's over, mate. We're going nowhere. 241 00:14:59,708 --> 00:15:01,624 Russ, why you got to say things like that? 242 00:15:01,916 --> 00:15:03,332 I quit. 243 00:15:03,416 --> 00:15:05,332 Nobody quits. Quitting is not in the vocabulary. 244 00:15:05,416 --> 00:15:08,499 Yeah? What about "Fuck you, Ian"? Is that in the vocabulary? 245 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:11,124 -What did you say? -Nothing. 246 00:15:14,291 --> 00:15:18,665 Go on, then. Go on. I don't fucking need you. 247 00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:21,207 What do you mean? I write the music, I drive the van. 248 00:15:21,291 --> 00:15:22,957 I carry you up the stairs when you're pissed. 249 00:15:23,041 --> 00:15:24,415 I make the fucking sandwiches. 250 00:15:24,500 --> 00:15:26,749 Can you drive? Yeah, see, she can drive. 251 00:15:26,833 --> 00:15:29,124 And I bet she can make fucking sandwiches and all. 252 00:15:29,208 --> 00:15:31,999 Russell, come on. Look, we're talking, mate. We're trying to talk! 253 00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:33,582 Russell! 254 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,915 Right, you're fucking fired. You are, you're fired. 255 00:15:37,125 --> 00:15:39,499 You didn't quit, you were fired! 256 00:15:52,666 --> 00:15:54,165 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 257 00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,790 -Yes? Do I know you? -No. 258 00:15:59,958 --> 00:16:02,082 Well, do us a favour and fuck off, will you? 259 00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:07,582 Hey, Ian, you know that geezer's a keys player. 260 00:16:09,416 --> 00:16:13,124 -That's not very polite, is it? -CHAz: It's like being back at school. 261 00:16:13,208 --> 00:16:15,249 -Are you a groupie? -No, musician. 262 00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:16,707 -What do you play? -Oi. 263 00:16:16,791 --> 00:16:18,915 Sorry about that. Where you think you're going, you little monkey? 264 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,457 That was out of order back there. It's the drink, you know, so. .. 265 00:16:21,541 --> 00:16:25,665 It's like bad breath for the mind. Someone said that you play keyboards. 266 00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:27,915 Yeah. I play a little piano and guitar. 267 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,582 Oh, wow. Well, we don't have any little ones, only the big sort. 268 00:16:31,083 --> 00:16:32,790 -What's your name? -Chaz. 269 00:16:32,875 --> 00:16:34,207 -Chaz. -Chaz Jankel. 270 00:16:34,291 --> 00:16:36,124 IAN: Chaz Jankel? Very avant-garde. 271 00:16:36,541 --> 00:16:38,915 Tell you what. Why don't you come over tomorrow, hey? 272 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,957 After all, you know what they say. 273 00:16:41,291 --> 00:16:44,582 "The more interesting a man, the greyer his trousers." 274 00:16:44,666 --> 00:16:48,499 But they also say, "You're never alone with schizophrenia." 275 00:16:48,583 --> 00:16:50,165 So what the fuck do they know? 276 00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:54,374 But it's true, we are alI on our own, aren't we? 277 00:16:54,458 --> 00:16:56,040 AUDIENCE: Oh, no, you're not! 278 00:16:56,125 --> 00:16:59,249 IAN: Oh, yes, l am! AUDIENCE: Oh, no, you're not! 279 00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:00,999 The young prince was. 280 00:17:01,458 --> 00:17:05,040 He was gonna die. Death was his bedfellow. 281 00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:10,124 Some whispered, "Oh, it might be better after all. 282 00:17:10,208 --> 00:17:12,999 "l mean, what sort of quality of life?" 283 00:17:13,083 --> 00:17:16,999 A cripple? A raspberry ripple? 284 00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:19,707 (ROOSTER CROWlNG) 285 00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:25,665 But in the morning, he was still there! 286 00:17:26,833 --> 00:17:29,790 You see, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, 287 00:17:30,125 --> 00:17:32,957 but the size of the fight in the dog! 288 00:17:33,250 --> 00:17:35,290 Magnificent! 289 00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:40,374 TroubIe is, there's no cure for it. 290 00:17:41,791 --> 00:17:43,290 Just like love. 291 00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:46,374 There's no cure for that, neither. 292 00:17:57,916 --> 00:17:59,665 (CAR HORN HONKING) 293 00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:11,040 Oi! Oi! Daddy's home! 294 00:18:15,208 --> 00:18:16,915 Your dad's here. 295 00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:19,957 (GRUNTING) 296 00:18:20,958 --> 00:18:25,165 And now, then, let's see what the old clot has got. 297 00:18:26,208 --> 00:18:28,207 For you, Jemima darling.. . 298 00:18:29,583 --> 00:18:31,332 Boing! 299 00:18:32,208 --> 00:18:37,624 And for you, my son. .. For your birthday. Better late than never. 300 00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:40,457 (IAN IMITATING FANFARE) 301 00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:49,957 So powerful no man could stop him. 302 00:19:04,583 --> 00:19:06,249 Rubbish. 303 00:19:09,791 --> 00:19:11,957 (BOTH SCREAMING) 304 00:19:15,125 --> 00:19:16,707 (GROWLING) 305 00:19:16,916 --> 00:19:21,332 Don't make me angry. You won't like it when I'm angry! 306 00:19:22,083 --> 00:19:24,582 Dr Banner, you're changing! 307 00:19:24,666 --> 00:19:26,207 (BAXTER SCREAMING) 308 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:32,249 But with pain comes power! Hulk is strong! 309 00:19:32,666 --> 00:19:34,249 (GROWLING) 310 00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:39,582 (CHINA SHATTERING) 311 00:19:39,666 --> 00:19:43,415 BETTY: . ..he doesn't need you turning up out of the blue bringing gifts. 312 00:19:43,791 --> 00:19:45,499 He needs a father! 313 00:19:45,583 --> 00:19:47,415 He's got a father. I'm his father. 314 00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:49,582 He needs a father who's around! 315 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:51,749 I'm around! I mean, well, I come around. 316 00:19:51,833 --> 00:19:53,290 I was here when he was born, wasn't I? 317 00:19:53,375 --> 00:19:55,874 Just downstairs, I mean, not a lot of fathers can say that! 318 00:20:02,083 --> 00:20:05,332 Found a couple that survived. There's only two left. 319 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,415 He's been missing school. And stealing. 320 00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:12,165 Well, that's all right. All boys do that. 321 00:20:12,958 --> 00:20:17,040 It's a boy thing, isn't it? A packet of fags, dirty magazine. 322 00:20:17,875 --> 00:20:19,457 In fact, it's good. A sign of intelligence. 323 00:20:19,541 --> 00:20:21,415 Shows a sensitivity about the world. 324 00:20:21,750 --> 00:20:23,999 -And he's being bullied. -By who? 325 00:20:24,875 --> 00:20:26,290 I told him not to retaliate. 326 00:20:26,375 --> 00:20:28,415 You don't wanna do that. He wants to give 'em a bloody good smacking. 327 00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:30,874 Yeah, well, that's why he needs to come and stay with you for a while. 328 00:20:30,958 --> 00:20:32,915 (SCOFFING) No, no, no. 329 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:34,832 He needs you at the moment. 330 00:20:37,333 --> 00:20:40,957 Look, I'm on the verge of something, things are happening. 331 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,790 I've been offered some work at the Academy. 332 00:20:47,875 --> 00:20:49,290 Good. 333 00:20:49,375 --> 00:20:53,249 One of us needs to earn and I can't do it stuck out here in the country. 334 00:20:53,708 --> 00:20:55,207 (BETTY SIGHING) 335 00:20:56,291 --> 00:20:58,540 I've always encouraged you, Ian. 336 00:21:00,833 --> 00:21:02,415 Now it's your turn. 337 00:21:02,791 --> 00:21:04,290 (EXHALING) 338 00:21:09,791 --> 00:21:12,040 -Is Dad gone? -Left about an hour ago. 339 00:21:20,875 --> 00:21:22,374 (SIGHING) 340 00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:34,665 Looks all right. 341 00:21:36,041 --> 00:21:40,415 Blimey! How many more steps? I'm not Sherpa bloody Tenzing. 342 00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:43,499 It's Oval Mansions. We get to live in a mansion together. 343 00:21:44,791 --> 00:21:46,499 Catshit Mansions more like. 344 00:21:46,583 --> 00:21:48,040 (GIGGLING) 345 00:22:13,291 --> 00:22:14,749 All right. 346 00:22:16,416 --> 00:22:19,790 What colour for the walls? Would you say white? 347 00:22:20,125 --> 00:22:22,749 Nah, that's too institutional. 348 00:22:23,041 --> 00:22:25,415 -Blue, then? -No, too constitutional. 349 00:22:26,708 --> 00:22:29,832 It should be. ..claret. Yeah. 350 00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:32,790 Yeah, the colour of blood. Passion. 351 00:22:33,333 --> 00:22:35,082 And a sort of booze. 352 00:22:35,916 --> 00:22:37,874 -You up for it? -Mmm-hmm. 353 00:22:39,625 --> 00:22:41,249 I. .. 354 00:22:41,916 --> 00:22:44,749 I can do anything. If you teach me. 355 00:23:04,041 --> 00:23:05,957 What's wrong? 356 00:23:06,041 --> 00:23:07,624 We're going to have to switch places 357 00:23:07,708 --> 00:23:10,624 'cause I'm struggling to undo your buttons here with my dodgy left hand. 358 00:23:10,708 --> 00:23:12,332 (BOTH LAUGHING) 359 00:23:18,333 --> 00:23:20,624 Or you can do it, I don't mind. 360 00:23:20,750 --> 00:23:24,249 (WAKE UP AND MAKE LOVE WlTH ME PLAYING) 361 00:23:31,291 --> 00:23:33,249 # l come awake 362 00:23:34,583 --> 00:23:37,207 # With a gift for womankind 363 00:23:39,375 --> 00:23:41,624 # You're still asleep 364 00:23:42,833 --> 00:23:45,374 # But the gift don't seem to mind 365 00:23:47,208 --> 00:23:49,624 # Rise on this occasion 366 00:23:49,750 --> 00:23:51,415 Not too bad. Have you done this before? 367 00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:53,457 # Halfway up your back 368 00:23:55,333 --> 00:23:57,332 # Sliding down your body 369 00:23:59,333 --> 00:24:01,374 # Touching your behind 370 00:24:03,083 --> 00:24:05,790 # You look so self-possessed 371 00:24:05,875 --> 00:24:07,249 Aw! 372 00:24:07,333 --> 00:24:10,207 # l won't disturb your rest 373 00:24:10,958 --> 00:24:14,499 # lt's lovely when you're sleeping 374 00:24:15,166 --> 00:24:18,040 # But wide awake is best 375 00:24:19,166 --> 00:24:22,790 # Wake up and make love with me 376 00:24:23,208 --> 00:24:26,624 # Wake up and make love 377 00:24:27,333 --> 00:24:30,999 # Wake up and make love with me 378 00:24:31,333 --> 00:24:32,957 # l don't want to make you 379 00:24:33,041 --> 00:24:34,874 # l'll let the fancy take you 380 00:24:34,958 --> 00:24:38,707 # And you'll wake up and make love 381 00:24:47,333 --> 00:24:49,832 # You come awake 382 00:24:50,833 --> 00:24:53,665 # ln a horny morning mood 383 00:24:55,041 --> 00:24:57,457 # And have a proper wriggle 384 00:24:59,333 --> 00:25:02,499 # ln the naughty naked nude 385 00:25:03,250 --> 00:25:05,207 # Roll against my body 386 00:25:07,333 --> 00:25:09,540 # Get me where you want me 387 00:25:11,083 --> 00:25:13,374 # What happens next is private 388 00:25:21,125 --> 00:25:22,707 What are you doing? 389 00:25:25,541 --> 00:25:27,124 This is Denise. 390 00:25:27,208 --> 00:25:30,332 -Hello, Denise. -That's Baxter. 391 00:25:31,416 --> 00:25:32,999 Hello, Baxter. 392 00:25:33,541 --> 00:25:36,582 Your door's unlocked. Mum's putting the kettle on. 393 00:25:37,791 --> 00:25:39,249 Nice. 394 00:25:40,958 --> 00:25:42,540 Go on then, off you pop. 395 00:25:46,333 --> 00:25:47,749 (LAUGHING) 396 00:25:48,583 --> 00:25:51,624 Thanks so much for this. So kind. 397 00:25:51,708 --> 00:25:54,124 -Takes quite a lot to make a home. -Yeah. 398 00:25:55,875 --> 00:25:58,374 "Home is the place, no matter what you've done, they have to let you in." 399 00:25:58,458 --> 00:26:00,374 That's what Ian says. 400 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,665 -So you're a bass player? -Bass player, 401 00:26:03,750 --> 00:26:07,707 sandwich-maker, personal manager. Sole driver of a van full of nutters. 402 00:26:09,916 --> 00:26:12,290 We're looking forward to having Baxter stay. 403 00:26:12,375 --> 00:26:14,415 Any time you need help we're here. 404 00:26:14,500 --> 00:26:16,374 Yeah, um.. . 405 00:26:17,333 --> 00:26:20,749 He's a little fussy, he doesn't like tomatoes, 406 00:26:20,916 --> 00:26:24,290 -fruit of any kind, potatoes. .. -Like father like son, eh? 407 00:26:26,708 --> 00:26:31,582 -How old are you, Denise? -I'm almost 20. 408 00:26:33,416 --> 00:26:34,915 Oh! 409 00:26:36,250 --> 00:26:37,915 (LAUGHING) 410 00:26:38,708 --> 00:26:40,540 -I'm sorry about that. -It was always heavy for me, too. 411 00:26:55,833 --> 00:26:57,749 Is that Elvis Presley? 412 00:27:01,083 --> 00:27:04,415 Don't they teach you any classical history at school these days? 413 00:27:05,958 --> 00:27:07,499 That's Gene Vincent. 414 00:27:08,458 --> 00:27:10,915 Scramble-egged his leg in a bike accident. 415 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,957 Him and Eddie Cochran 416 00:27:15,708 --> 00:27:19,165 were the brightest stars in the firmament 417 00:27:19,250 --> 00:27:24,582 when they climbed into a cab outside the Savoy, April 1 6th, 1 960. 418 00:27:26,916 --> 00:27:30,290 Two hours later, they hit a hairpin bend. 419 00:27:32,625 --> 00:27:34,415 Crash! 420 00:27:34,791 --> 00:27:39,499 Eddie Cochran is lying dying in his own blood. 421 00:27:41,208 --> 00:27:46,665 And who hands Sweet Gene his guitar that night outside the hotel? 422 00:27:47,791 --> 00:27:50,415 A 1 4-year-old Marc Bolan, 423 00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:53,624 who marries Pink Floyd's management secretary, 424 00:27:53,708 --> 00:27:56,790 who signs me to Stiff Records. 425 00:28:00,500 --> 00:28:02,207 Shake my hand. 426 00:28:10,291 --> 00:28:12,790 You're only five steps away from greatness. 427 00:28:15,416 --> 00:28:17,207 -Stiff? -Stiff, yeah. 428 00:28:17,291 --> 00:28:19,332 Their motto is "If it ain't Stiff, it ain't worth a fuck!" 429 00:28:20,041 --> 00:28:21,915 (EXHALING) How's school? 430 00:28:22,333 --> 00:28:24,249 Headmistress is a bit of a stuck-up old cow. 431 00:28:24,333 --> 00:28:28,415 Oi, language, bit of respect. Education's important. 432 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,207 Delacroix, French, Frenchman he was, painter, he said, 433 00:28:33,291 --> 00:28:35,499 "Inspiration is getting to our studies at 9 a.m." 434 00:28:35,583 --> 00:28:37,207 (PLAYING DRUMS) 435 00:28:38,958 --> 00:28:40,499 Go on, hit it. 436 00:28:47,958 --> 00:28:49,457 (YELLING) 437 00:28:52,083 --> 00:28:54,249 (BAXTER YELLING) 438 00:29:01,291 --> 00:29:02,707 DENISE: You know what I'm talking about, 439 00:29:02,791 --> 00:29:04,499 you barely said two words to the woman. 440 00:29:04,583 --> 00:29:07,249 -You can't treat people like that. -Don't give me that load of old bollock. 441 00:29:07,333 --> 00:29:09,040 Bet and I have got a special relationship. 442 00:29:09,125 --> 00:29:10,499 Exactly, she's your wife. 443 00:29:10,583 --> 00:29:12,832 Yeah, based on love and trust and understanding. 444 00:29:12,916 --> 00:29:15,832 What, and taking the piss? You were really fucking rude, Ian. 445 00:29:15,916 --> 00:29:19,165 It was the past, all right? It's a separate existence. 446 00:29:20,125 --> 00:29:23,415 Anyway, I asked you to marry me, you keep saying no. 447 00:29:23,500 --> 00:29:25,790 This isn't a joke. You've got children. 448 00:29:25,875 --> 00:29:28,207 You are never gonna be separate. Do you understand that? 449 00:29:28,291 --> 00:29:31,957 (SIGHING) Excuse me, I'm trying to sleep. 450 00:29:46,208 --> 00:29:48,290 (IAN HUMMING MY OLD MAN) 451 00:30:03,458 --> 00:30:06,499 IAN: # My old man was fairly handsome 452 00:30:10,166 --> 00:30:12,665 # Later on he drove a Roller 453 00:30:13,458 --> 00:30:15,790 # Chauffeuring for foreign men 454 00:30:15,875 --> 00:30:17,332 (CHILDREN CHATTERING) 455 00:30:17,541 --> 00:30:18,999 (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) 456 00:30:24,166 --> 00:30:25,749 Daddy! 457 00:30:27,958 --> 00:30:30,082 # Perhaps he had to keep his distance 458 00:30:34,541 --> 00:30:37,165 # My old man was fairly handsome 459 00:30:41,125 --> 00:30:42,665 You all right, boy? 460 00:30:47,291 --> 00:30:48,707 Come on. 461 00:30:49,041 --> 00:30:51,749 Boxers always touch themselves on the side of the face to remind them 462 00:30:51,833 --> 00:30:53,249 to keep their guard up. 463 00:30:53,333 --> 00:30:56,874 That's it. Move your feet, come on. Move your feet, move about. 464 00:30:57,291 --> 00:30:59,499 That's it. Keep moving about. 465 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:02,707 You're too square on. Move around the side. 466 00:31:02,791 --> 00:31:04,624 Good, orthodox, lovely. 467 00:31:04,708 --> 00:31:06,457 All them southpaws should be buried at birth. 468 00:31:06,541 --> 00:31:08,790 Where are you going? That's it, stand up. All right. 469 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:11,332 Now move about, on the balls of your feet if you can. 470 00:31:11,416 --> 00:31:14,332 That's it. Plenty of that. Plenty of leg movement. 471 00:31:15,250 --> 00:31:18,124 When you're ready, I want you to take a swing at me. 472 00:31:18,250 --> 00:31:20,165 All right? Give me your best shot. Come on. 473 00:31:23,708 --> 00:31:25,915 IAN: All the best, mate, from your son. 474 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:30,540 Turtle! Turtle! Turtle! Turtle! 475 00:31:30,625 --> 00:31:32,540 (WHISTLE BLOWING) 476 00:31:32,625 --> 00:31:34,165 What's all this? 477 00:31:40,333 --> 00:31:42,415 You have to get up on your own. 478 00:31:43,041 --> 00:31:44,915 That's the rule here, isn't it, children? 479 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:46,540 Yes, Mr Hargreaves. 480 00:31:46,791 --> 00:31:50,832 I'm not staying here. My daddy's coming to take me away. 481 00:31:50,916 --> 00:31:53,540 Oh, your daddy, eh? Good for you. 482 00:31:59,625 --> 00:32:01,790 MR DURY: Shape up. You got to be brave, all right? 483 00:32:01,916 --> 00:32:05,915 No one's taking liberties with you, boy. Give me your best shot, come on. 484 00:32:10,375 --> 00:32:11,999 All right? 485 00:32:14,083 --> 00:32:16,374 No, you gotta stand on your own. 486 00:32:21,208 --> 00:32:22,499 All right. 487 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:25,624 All right. Well done, son. You did good. 488 00:32:26,833 --> 00:32:28,957 But no one out there is gonna help you. 489 00:32:29,041 --> 00:32:30,624 Now that's seems harsh, I know, 490 00:32:30,708 --> 00:32:33,915 but you're born on your own, you die on your own. 491 00:32:34,416 --> 00:32:36,415 And in between, you earn your own respect. 492 00:32:38,291 --> 00:32:39,874 Never give up, never. 493 00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:42,624 And never step into a dead man's shoes. You know what that means? 494 00:32:46,291 --> 00:32:48,082 It means you gotta do it for yourself. 495 00:32:49,458 --> 00:32:52,165 Being the underdog with nothing to lose is the best place to start. 496 00:32:54,333 --> 00:32:56,999 l'm doing pretty good at the moment, you know. Yeah? 497 00:32:57,083 --> 00:33:00,915 I got one or two proper deals on the go. Money owed. 498 00:33:01,375 --> 00:33:04,332 I got a nice penthouse in Old Victoria, I'm happy with me digs. 499 00:33:07,666 --> 00:33:10,957 You should come and see me. Would you like that? 500 00:33:12,458 --> 00:33:15,124 Would you? Yeah, I'd like that. 501 00:33:16,208 --> 00:33:17,749 (lAN HUMMlNG) 502 00:33:25,541 --> 00:33:28,082 # My old man # 503 00:33:28,791 --> 00:33:30,540 (PHONE RlNG lNG) 504 00:33:36,625 --> 00:33:38,957 (PHONE CONTlNUES RlNG lNG) 505 00:33:41,916 --> 00:33:43,582 (RECEIVER BEING PICKED UP) 506 00:33:52,083 --> 00:33:53,957 Dad? Dad? 507 00:33:54,041 --> 00:33:55,499 (COUGHING) 508 00:33:56,458 --> 00:33:59,749 -What time is it? -Lunchtime. 509 00:34:08,958 --> 00:34:11,457 -Is that your mum? -It's the school on the phone. 510 00:34:11,541 --> 00:34:13,249 It's the headmistress. 511 00:34:15,875 --> 00:34:18,124 HEADMISTRESS: Hello? Hello? 512 00:34:18,250 --> 00:34:19,749 Hello? 513 00:34:19,833 --> 00:34:21,665 This is Baxter's headmistress. ls that Mr Dury? 514 00:34:21,750 --> 00:34:23,540 Yes. Mr Dury speaking. Yes. 515 00:34:23,625 --> 00:34:25,082 Are you aware that Baxter had school today? 516 00:34:25,166 --> 00:34:26,582 -Mmm-hmm. -Do you understand? 517 00:34:26,666 --> 00:34:29,540 Yeah. No, no, I do understand, yes. Yeah, of course. 518 00:34:29,625 --> 00:34:31,999 l'm sure l don't need to tell you how important it is.. . 519 00:34:32,083 --> 00:34:35,790 Yeah, no, I do understand, yes. Yes. Okey dokey, yes. 520 00:34:35,875 --> 00:34:37,249 Well, it's all very well saying you understand, 521 00:34:37,333 --> 00:34:38,790 but this is your son's future we're talking about. 522 00:34:38,875 --> 00:34:40,249 Mmm-hmm. 523 00:34:40,333 --> 00:34:42,040 -Your wife told me about.. . -Mmm-hmm. Well.. . 524 00:34:42,125 --> 00:34:43,540 And l want you to know that l'm not. .. 525 00:34:43,625 --> 00:34:46,457 You know what? He was right. You are a bit of a stuck-up old cow. 526 00:34:46,541 --> 00:34:49,665 -l beg your pardon? How dare you? -Tiddley poo, madam. 527 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:56,290 Snotty old maggot, she is. Put on the kettle, will you? 528 00:35:06,625 --> 00:35:08,124 Ta. 529 00:35:12,083 --> 00:35:14,457 -Where's Denise? -She's gone out. 530 00:35:18,125 --> 00:35:20,082 You're gonna have to help me put me leg on, then. 531 00:35:23,625 --> 00:35:25,332 Right, if you could. .. Come here. 532 00:35:25,416 --> 00:35:29,832 Let me swing round, I'll put my arm round you. After three. One, 533 00:35:30,333 --> 00:35:31,874 two, three. 534 00:35:32,958 --> 00:35:34,332 That's it. 535 00:35:35,333 --> 00:35:37,957 See me new leg? Look at that. 536 00:35:38,625 --> 00:35:40,082 Phwoar. 537 00:35:40,208 --> 00:35:42,207 Been waiting for that for ages. Beautiful. 538 00:35:42,291 --> 00:35:43,749 You do that one, I'll do this one. 539 00:35:45,250 --> 00:35:46,832 Get this underneath. 540 00:35:47,875 --> 00:35:49,665 I'm still getting used to it myself, actually. 541 00:35:49,875 --> 00:35:52,624 See what your old man has to go through every day? What a palaver. 542 00:35:56,166 --> 00:36:00,415 IAN: Dear Jemima, l've been working with a man called Chaz. 543 00:36:00,666 --> 00:36:04,290 If we do weIl, we wilI have disgusting ice cream. 544 00:36:04,416 --> 00:36:06,582 lf we don't, we will cry. 545 00:36:06,916 --> 00:36:10,040 Boo-hoo! l can't wait for you to meet Denise. 546 00:36:14,333 --> 00:36:16,457 You should come up and visit sometime. 547 00:36:16,541 --> 00:36:19,332 Baxter's turning into a right little geezer. 548 00:36:19,416 --> 00:36:22,165 Always keep a strong heart in case of sadness. 549 00:36:22,250 --> 00:36:24,165 Love, your charming father, 550 00:36:24,250 --> 00:36:27,540 Dad, Nebbish, Clot. 551 00:36:27,625 --> 00:36:29,415 MAN ON RADIO: I'm going to disagree with Nigel. 552 00:36:29,500 --> 00:36:31,290 The real shock here is the whole Sex Pistols 553 00:36:31,375 --> 00:36:34,249 swearing on television, Bill Grundy being sacked, 554 00:36:34,333 --> 00:36:36,832 it all turning into some sort of moral panic. 555 00:36:36,916 --> 00:36:38,665 l mean, these boys are the future. 556 00:36:38,750 --> 00:36:40,874 They're the voice of a young generation. 557 00:36:40,958 --> 00:36:43,165 Fucking Sex Pistols. Bollocks. 558 00:36:43,583 --> 00:36:46,165 And he nicked my razorblade-earring idea and all, didn't he? 559 00:36:46,333 --> 00:36:47,915 Turn it off, Den, will you? 560 00:36:48,375 --> 00:36:49,999 l'm sorry, Nigel, l'm sorry. 561 00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:52,040 (TURNS RADIO OFF) 562 00:36:53,208 --> 00:36:56,832 If you get bitter, you have a strong heart. Remember? 563 00:36:57,833 --> 00:37:00,290 Never let it be said that my failure went to me head. 564 00:37:02,041 --> 00:37:05,040 "Swearing on the television 565 00:37:05,500 --> 00:37:09,374 "is not funny and not fucking clever!" 566 00:37:09,458 --> 00:37:10,957 Language. 567 00:37:11,041 --> 00:37:13,040 First words my sister ever said were, "Fuck off, Dad." 568 00:37:13,291 --> 00:37:14,707 Must be inherited. 569 00:37:14,833 --> 00:37:16,332 Does she sack drummers, too? 570 00:37:16,416 --> 00:37:17,832 Incredible Hulk doesn't swear, does he? 571 00:37:17,958 --> 00:37:20,040 -He's got a moral compass. -That's right. 572 00:37:20,291 --> 00:37:22,874 Moral compass? I'm an entertainer, not Christopher bleeding Columbus. 573 00:37:22,958 --> 00:37:24,624 Oi, what do you think of that? 574 00:37:24,708 --> 00:37:26,957 Nah, that's too, uh, too romantic. Here you go. 575 00:37:27,041 --> 00:37:28,457 Is that all? 576 00:37:28,541 --> 00:37:30,332 -IAN: It's been a slow week. -Ian? 577 00:37:31,291 --> 00:37:32,707 Uh, too satanic. 578 00:37:33,291 --> 00:37:35,332 Oi, oi, what's wrong with that one? 579 00:37:35,708 --> 00:37:37,874 -You're always giving me that one. -Yeah, and? 580 00:37:38,125 --> 00:37:39,790 We know all about that, Ian. 581 00:37:40,041 --> 00:37:42,582 Oh, no, no, Chaz, Chaz, Chaz. That, 582 00:37:42,750 --> 00:37:45,707 that is a riddle. It's a love song. It's a questioning. 583 00:37:45,916 --> 00:37:47,749 It's a striving of the human soul. 584 00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,540 It's just.. . It's called Sex, Drugs & Rock & Roll. 585 00:37:51,250 --> 00:37:52,374 That's good. 586 00:37:52,458 --> 00:37:54,290 -Mmm-mmm, it's too obvious. -IAN: Tell him, Denny. 587 00:37:54,458 --> 00:37:55,957 Look, it's a celebration. It's. .. 588 00:37:56,041 --> 00:37:58,915 It's an anthem for all the outsiders, for all the uglies, 589 00:37:59,000 --> 00:38:00,374 for all the freaks, you know, 590 00:38:00,458 --> 00:38:04,457 who are slaving away every day in their shit shirts 591 00:38:04,541 --> 00:38:07,874 and their shit shoes, trying to fit in. 592 00:38:07,958 --> 00:38:10,040 "Is that all there is to life?" they ask. 593 00:38:10,750 --> 00:38:13,290 And then, lo and behold.. . 594 00:38:13,833 --> 00:38:15,540 (HUMMING) 595 00:38:17,958 --> 00:38:21,165 -Can you dance to that, Denny? -Yeah, if you dance with me. 596 00:38:21,291 --> 00:38:22,874 You nicked that. 597 00:38:22,958 --> 00:38:24,874 God, everyone's a critic these days, aren't they? 598 00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:29,582 The immature artist plagiarises and the mature artist steals. 599 00:38:30,041 --> 00:38:31,665 And I am about to grow up. 600 00:38:38,333 --> 00:38:40,415 Sex, drugs and rock and roll. 601 00:38:42,166 --> 00:38:43,582 Okay, how about.. . 602 00:38:45,291 --> 00:38:47,624 See? Blue's your colour, you know that? 603 00:38:48,291 --> 00:38:49,832 CHAz: That's it. That's it. 604 00:38:51,666 --> 00:38:54,290 # Grey is such a pity 605 00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:57,582 Yeah! Look at you all! Look, look. 606 00:38:57,708 --> 00:39:00,832 -You're magnificent! -DENISE: You are gonna be 607 00:39:01,041 --> 00:39:02,832 -just like your dad. -No, no. 608 00:39:02,958 --> 00:39:04,374 -A proper little geezer. -No. 609 00:39:04,458 --> 00:39:05,874 -Baxter, come on. -Don't. 610 00:39:05,958 --> 00:39:07,332 Baxter, stop fidgeting. 611 00:39:07,416 --> 00:39:08,874 -Bax. .. -BAXTER: Stop it. 612 00:39:08,958 --> 00:39:10,374 -Don't be such a baby. -Get off. 613 00:39:14,208 --> 00:39:15,707 Who did that? 614 00:39:15,791 --> 00:39:19,290 Boys. Bigger boys. 615 00:39:21,416 --> 00:39:23,415 They said I was posh. 616 00:39:24,583 --> 00:39:26,040 Are we posh? 617 00:39:27,458 --> 00:39:29,582 No, we're arts and crafts. 618 00:39:30,833 --> 00:39:32,790 That's what we are. We're arts and crafts. 619 00:39:39,250 --> 00:39:40,999 There. That's handsome, isn't it? 620 00:39:44,791 --> 00:39:46,249 (JAzz FUSION PLAYING) 621 00:39:50,208 --> 00:39:52,665 (PEOPLE CHATTERING AND LAUGHING) 622 00:40:00,083 --> 00:40:01,499 (LAUGHING) 623 00:40:04,333 --> 00:40:05,707 Baxter! 624 00:40:06,375 --> 00:40:07,957 There he is, here's my son. 625 00:40:08,166 --> 00:40:10,165 These are all my friends. Say hi to Baxter, everybody. 626 00:40:10,250 --> 00:40:12,249 Big round of applause for my son. 627 00:40:12,833 --> 00:40:14,832 Baxter Front, I like to call him. 628 00:40:19,208 --> 00:40:20,707 Listen, we haven't tried this one before. 629 00:40:20,791 --> 00:40:22,790 It's a little experimentation. Oi, Chaz, let's start this up. 630 00:40:22,875 --> 00:40:25,415 We'll go for the rock. We'll have white face, black shirt, white socks. 631 00:40:25,500 --> 00:40:26,957 One, two, three, four. 632 00:40:27,666 --> 00:40:29,624 # Who, who, who slapped John? 633 00:40:32,791 --> 00:40:34,165 # White face, black shirt 634 00:40:34,250 --> 00:40:35,624 # White socks, black shoes 635 00:40:35,708 --> 00:40:38,124 # Black hair, white Strat, bled white, died black 636 00:40:38,541 --> 00:40:40,915 # Sweet Gene Vincent 637 00:40:41,333 --> 00:40:43,707 # There's one in every town 638 00:40:44,291 --> 00:40:46,165 # And the devil drives 639 00:40:46,250 --> 00:40:47,665 # Till the hearse arrives 640 00:40:47,750 --> 00:40:49,624 # And you lay that pistol down 641 00:40:49,708 --> 00:40:51,040 Just keep singing that last verse. 642 00:40:51,125 --> 00:40:52,915 ALL: # Sweet Gene Vincent 643 00:40:53,583 --> 00:40:55,832 # There's one in every town 644 00:40:56,500 --> 00:40:58,499 # And the devil drives till the hearse.. . 645 00:40:58,833 --> 00:41:00,499 Keep singing! 646 00:41:02,500 --> 00:41:04,874 # Sweet Gene Vincent 647 00:41:11,333 --> 00:41:12,749 (JAzz FUSION PLAYING) 648 00:41:14,083 --> 00:41:15,499 I hope you don't mind me saying, 649 00:41:15,625 --> 00:41:17,040 but you are being a bit of a right old moody. 650 00:41:17,291 --> 00:41:18,790 We said we'd look after him, Ian. 651 00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:20,665 Yeah, I know. He's my son. 652 00:41:20,750 --> 00:41:22,707 -I've got him a driver and everything. -What, someone reliable? 653 00:41:23,208 --> 00:41:25,082 Yeah, yeah, of course. 654 00:41:25,166 --> 00:41:26,457 -Really? -I mean, the man was 655 00:41:26,541 --> 00:41:28,207 a roadie with Led zeppelin, for fuck's sake. 656 00:41:28,291 --> 00:41:30,249 All right, Baxter? 657 00:41:30,708 --> 00:41:32,457 I've got a little surprise for you. 658 00:41:33,125 --> 00:41:36,207 IAN: Ooh, speak of the devil, and he will appear. 659 00:41:36,666 --> 00:41:39,332 Can you feel him slouching ever nearer? 660 00:41:39,666 --> 00:41:43,790 Ooh, has Santa Claus come early this year? No.. . 661 00:41:43,875 --> 00:41:46,707 It's the Sulphate Strangler! 662 00:41:59,166 --> 00:42:02,874 # The sons of the prophet were brave men and bold 663 00:42:03,041 --> 00:42:05,165 # And quite unaccustomed to fear 664 00:42:05,458 --> 00:42:08,540 # But the bravest by far in the ranks of the Shah 665 00:42:08,791 --> 00:42:11,749 # Was Abdulla Bulbul Ameer 666 00:42:12,083 --> 00:42:14,540 # One day, this bold Russian 667 00:42:14,958 --> 00:42:16,582 # He shouldered his gun 668 00:42:17,166 --> 00:42:19,874 # And donned his most truculent sneer 669 00:42:19,958 --> 00:42:23,207 # Downtown he did go, where he trod on the toe 670 00:42:23,583 --> 00:42:26,624 # Of Abdulla Bulbul Ameer 671 00:42:26,833 --> 00:42:28,207 (EXCLAIMS) 672 00:42:30,250 --> 00:42:32,957 -Watch it! -Oh, shit! Oh, sorry. 673 00:42:33,958 --> 00:42:35,415 (IAN LAUGHING) 674 00:42:35,625 --> 00:42:37,124 Lovely. 675 00:42:51,083 --> 00:42:52,540 (WlND CHlME TlNKLlNG) 676 00:43:41,125 --> 00:43:42,665 You all right, Dad? 677 00:44:02,541 --> 00:44:04,499 MR DURY: l'm doing pretty good at the moment, you know. 678 00:44:05,958 --> 00:44:07,624 You should come and see me. 679 00:44:08,416 --> 00:44:10,082 Would you like that? 680 00:44:50,166 --> 00:44:51,707 (WlND CHlME TlNKLlNG) 681 00:44:59,666 --> 00:45:01,082 (DOOR SLAMMING) 682 00:45:20,083 --> 00:45:21,540 (ENGINE REVVING) 683 00:45:24,125 --> 00:45:27,124 STRANGLER: # The sons of the prophet were brave men and bold 684 00:45:27,208 --> 00:45:29,124 # And quite unaccustomed to fear 685 00:45:29,208 --> 00:45:30,624 (BELL RINGING) 686 00:45:33,250 --> 00:45:37,749 Your mum told your dad to tell me to make sure you went in. Now, go on. 687 00:45:38,125 --> 00:45:39,707 I look like a prick. 688 00:45:44,041 --> 00:45:45,707 (VAN BACKFIRING) 689 00:45:49,958 --> 00:45:51,332 (ALARM BLARING) 690 00:45:59,666 --> 00:46:01,082 Well, that went well, then. 691 00:46:02,916 --> 00:46:04,457 Come on. 692 00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:12,540 -IAN: Did you? -Don't shout at me! 693 00:46:12,625 --> 00:46:14,082 I'm not shouting. Who's shouting? 694 00:46:15,625 --> 00:46:17,624 Did you or did you not try and sell my typewriter? 695 00:46:17,708 --> 00:46:19,582 -How would you know? -'Cause it says in here, 696 00:46:19,666 --> 00:46:22,665 "For sale, Ian Dury's fucking typewriter"! 697 00:46:22,750 --> 00:46:23,957 All right, I did it. 698 00:46:24,041 --> 00:46:25,540 -DENISE: I admit it, all right? -Hello? 699 00:46:26,750 --> 00:46:28,249 Ian, we need to work. 700 00:46:28,708 --> 00:46:30,832 But you know what, Ian? No one fucking wanted it. 701 00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:35,082 I am not your fucking pet, all right? 702 00:46:35,416 --> 00:46:36,874 I'm as hungry for this as you are. 703 00:46:36,958 --> 00:46:40,165 Oh, boo. The green-eyed monster's coming out, is it? 704 00:46:40,375 --> 00:46:42,582 DENISE: The world doesn't revolve around you! 705 00:46:42,666 --> 00:46:45,790 IAN: Oh, I think you'll find it fucking does. 706 00:46:45,875 --> 00:46:49,249 -How was school? -Okay. 707 00:46:50,500 --> 00:46:52,124 -Fuck you! -Feeling left out, are you? 708 00:46:52,791 --> 00:46:55,874 -Double fuck you. -Oh, fucking hell, that hurt. 709 00:46:55,958 --> 00:46:59,415 Write some lines! I will show more respect! 710 00:46:59,500 --> 00:47:02,040 And I'm doing all this fucking work, all this work 711 00:47:02,166 --> 00:47:03,665 for the family, right? 712 00:47:03,750 --> 00:47:06,332 You and me. You and me, it's for us. 713 00:47:09,250 --> 00:47:10,499 Oh, God. 714 00:47:10,583 --> 00:47:12,082 You fight like a bloke, Denny. 715 00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:19,249 Oh, great. Broke me new leg. 716 00:47:21,166 --> 00:47:22,790 Can you help me take it off, please? 717 00:47:23,458 --> 00:47:25,540 Ian? Hello? 718 00:47:27,791 --> 00:47:29,582 Everything you do is for the family, is it, Ian? 719 00:47:29,666 --> 00:47:32,540 -Yeah, yeah. -Right, that's fucking bollocks. 720 00:47:32,708 --> 00:47:35,582 Everything you do is for you, on your terms. 721 00:47:35,750 --> 00:47:37,957 And if the rest of us happen to fit along, 722 00:47:38,041 --> 00:47:41,499 -then that is a fucking bonus. -Is that what you think, is it? 723 00:47:41,583 --> 00:47:43,874 -Yeah, that's what I think. -Yeah? Is that what you really think? 724 00:47:45,541 --> 00:47:47,040 'Cause if that's right, 725 00:47:47,125 --> 00:47:49,499 well, you better fuck off, then, because do you know what? 726 00:47:49,583 --> 00:47:50,790 I can't handle this. I can't handle this. 727 00:47:50,875 --> 00:47:54,124 I'm on a flow at the moment, right? I'm right in it. I'm right inside it. 728 00:47:54,208 --> 00:47:55,665 And you're getting right inside my brain, 729 00:47:55,750 --> 00:47:57,707 when I'm on one, and I won't have it, all right? 730 00:47:57,833 --> 00:47:59,540 So if you can't handle it, then fuck off. 731 00:48:02,375 --> 00:48:04,124 You think you can do without me, do you, Ian? 732 00:48:04,291 --> 00:48:06,582 -Yeah. -Really? 733 00:48:10,041 --> 00:48:13,165 Oi. Can I have me leg back? 734 00:48:14,125 --> 00:48:17,165 Oi, don't leave me on the floor. I'm a raspberry. 735 00:48:20,708 --> 00:48:21,749 (LEAVES RUSTLING) 736 00:48:22,375 --> 00:48:23,790 Nice throw. 737 00:48:27,625 --> 00:48:29,124 Just easy. 738 00:48:29,666 --> 00:48:31,207 (GRUNTING) Got it! 739 00:48:33,083 --> 00:48:34,665 Fuck! Fuck! 740 00:48:34,750 --> 00:48:36,124 (GRUNTING) 741 00:48:36,458 --> 00:48:38,290 We can rebuild him. 742 00:48:39,208 --> 00:48:40,624 (WHOOPING) 743 00:48:44,625 --> 00:48:46,207 CHAz: He just needs a bit of distance. 744 00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:49,582 I'm either too close or not far enough away. 745 00:48:51,333 --> 00:48:53,290 Denise, what.. . 746 00:48:54,958 --> 00:48:57,124 What happened to him happened a long time ago. 747 00:48:57,458 --> 00:48:59,332 There's nothing we can do about it now. 748 00:49:01,833 --> 00:49:03,957 Everyone has their weakness. 749 00:49:05,416 --> 00:49:08,790 It's just that his weakness is so obvious 750 00:49:08,875 --> 00:49:10,540 he doesn't need to worry about it. 751 00:49:11,833 --> 00:49:13,457 But what about me? 752 00:49:14,750 --> 00:49:16,874 What am I supposed to do? 753 00:49:17,708 --> 00:49:19,582 My weakness is loving him. 754 00:49:30,250 --> 00:49:31,624 Dad's home. 755 00:49:36,125 --> 00:49:37,832 I'm knocking 40. 756 00:49:38,958 --> 00:49:41,499 I'm a bit of a shorty. 757 00:49:42,583 --> 00:49:45,332 Little bit haughty, a bit nutty, a bit naughty.. . 758 00:49:45,416 --> 00:49:47,499 Enough with the rhyming couplets. 759 00:49:47,583 --> 00:49:49,665 Look, I will pay front money for the room, 760 00:49:49,750 --> 00:49:53,124 proper wedge. You can be the stern landlady, 761 00:49:53,208 --> 00:49:55,332 with the surgical stockings and the twinkle in her eye.. . 762 00:49:55,416 --> 00:49:57,249 -This is serious. -I will be 763 00:49:57,333 --> 00:49:59,624 generally a domestic god for the duration. 764 00:49:59,708 --> 00:50:01,665 I promise. Please. 765 00:50:02,166 --> 00:50:03,790 Oh, come on, Bet, just this once. 766 00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:05,582 I've got work. 767 00:50:11,375 --> 00:50:12,415 All right? 768 00:50:13,916 --> 00:50:15,832 (STATIONARY BIKE WHIRRING) 769 00:50:16,750 --> 00:50:19,540 Faster. Cured. 770 00:50:20,500 --> 00:50:22,457 IAN: Healthy. 771 00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:24,707 (WHISTLE BLOWING) 772 00:50:25,083 --> 00:50:26,915 Up, up, up! 773 00:50:27,541 --> 00:50:30,624 Sliders out first, then walkers. All hands on! 774 00:50:31,375 --> 00:50:34,290 Come on! Come on, let's be having you. 775 00:50:35,083 --> 00:50:36,499 Oi, get a move on. 776 00:50:37,041 --> 00:50:38,540 (WHISTLE BLOWING) 777 00:50:39,791 --> 00:50:41,415 Up, up, up! 778 00:50:43,458 --> 00:50:44,874 Oi, Dury, get on with it. 779 00:50:56,416 --> 00:50:58,082 (EXCLAIMS) 780 00:50:58,500 --> 00:50:59,915 Shitter! 781 00:51:00,083 --> 00:51:02,874 ALL: Shitter, shitter, shitter! 782 00:51:03,875 --> 00:51:05,707 -Faster. Cured. -Shitter, shitter. 783 00:51:06,166 --> 00:51:07,957 Shitter, shitter. 784 00:51:08,500 --> 00:51:10,624 -Faster. -Shitter, shitter. 785 00:51:10,708 --> 00:51:12,290 -IAN: Cured. -Shitter, shitter. 786 00:51:12,583 --> 00:51:14,499 -Shitter, shitter. -All right, all right! 787 00:51:14,625 --> 00:51:16,165 Get a move on! 788 00:51:21,291 --> 00:51:22,832 Where's your daddy now? 789 00:51:30,416 --> 00:51:33,999 Healthier. Improving. 790 00:51:34,166 --> 00:51:36,290 Greenness, cured. 791 00:51:37,083 --> 00:51:39,915 Frustration, stagger. 792 00:51:40,333 --> 00:51:41,749 Stun! 793 00:51:43,375 --> 00:51:45,624 Knock one down 794 00:51:46,416 --> 00:51:49,165 with a feather, clever.. . 795 00:51:49,333 --> 00:51:50,999 Clever Trevor. 796 00:51:51,708 --> 00:51:53,499 IAN: See, the English language 797 00:51:53,583 --> 00:51:57,749 is a gloriously sophisticated smorgasbord of words and phrases. 798 00:51:58,208 --> 00:52:00,207 Songwriting's really not that complicated. 799 00:52:00,625 --> 00:52:04,124 It's all about the verbals. I'll go first. 800 00:52:05,041 --> 00:52:06,624 Cock. 801 00:52:06,916 --> 00:52:08,374 Your turn. 802 00:52:08,666 --> 00:52:10,124 -Willy. -Dick. 803 00:52:10,333 --> 00:52:12,499 -Knob. -Love truncheon. 804 00:52:12,583 --> 00:52:14,249 -Dong. -Meat and two veg. 805 00:52:15,125 --> 00:52:16,540 Um. .. 806 00:52:16,625 --> 00:52:19,499 (LAUGHING) Come on, keep them coming. 807 00:52:19,875 --> 00:52:21,665 -Rhythm stick. -Chopper. 808 00:52:22,041 --> 00:52:23,707 -Old man. -Pork sword. 809 00:52:24,333 --> 00:52:26,040 One-eyed trouser snake. 810 00:52:26,125 --> 00:52:27,540 Ah! 811 00:52:27,708 --> 00:52:30,332 Look at you all, look. Bloody marvellous. 812 00:52:30,458 --> 00:52:33,457 I love being in the warm bosoms of my family. 813 00:52:34,166 --> 00:52:35,624 You know why? 814 00:52:35,916 --> 00:52:39,040 Because I love warm bosoms. 815 00:52:39,500 --> 00:52:40,957 Dad.. . 816 00:52:41,291 --> 00:52:43,082 Come on, dinner's on the table. 817 00:53:53,250 --> 00:53:56,457 Come on, then. Touch me again and I'll punch your head in. 818 00:53:57,166 --> 00:53:59,374 Kick your head in. Kick your head in! 819 00:53:59,791 --> 00:54:02,290 Touch me again and I'll kick your fucking teeth 820 00:54:02,541 --> 00:54:04,332 so far down your Gregory Peck, 821 00:54:04,416 --> 00:54:06,165 you'll be able to eat out of your Khyber Pass! 822 00:54:06,250 --> 00:54:08,165 -Fuck me, look who it is. -Fuck off! 823 00:54:08,250 --> 00:54:10,415 Dreary Dury, the Dancing Durex. 824 00:54:10,500 --> 00:54:12,874 -Don't get snotty on me, posh boy. -Leave me alone. 825 00:54:13,291 --> 00:54:14,707 Yeah, walk away! Fuck off! 826 00:54:14,791 --> 00:54:16,665 Gonna get your Spazzy Joe dad to come and save you? 827 00:54:16,750 --> 00:54:18,624 'Cause guess what? We don't give a shit who he is. 828 00:54:18,708 --> 00:54:20,249 -Fucking spaz. -What's his name again? 829 00:54:20,333 --> 00:54:22,540 -Captain Cripple the Raspberry Ripple! -Fuck off. 830 00:54:22,625 --> 00:54:24,040 Who the fuck do you think you are? 831 00:54:24,166 --> 00:54:26,582 You learnt some words, have you? Proper little villain. 832 00:54:32,208 --> 00:54:35,624 -All right, Bax? -All right, Strang? 833 00:54:36,041 --> 00:54:38,249 You know you've got blood coming out of your nose? 834 00:54:39,750 --> 00:54:41,249 (GROWLING) 835 00:54:46,875 --> 00:54:49,707 IAN: "Who awoke the sleeping tiger? 836 00:54:51,041 --> 00:54:52,582 "It was thee. 837 00:54:54,208 --> 00:54:58,249 "The dormant devil did no harm, 838 00:55:00,250 --> 00:55:01,874 "except to me. 839 00:55:04,250 --> 00:55:08,957 "The writer sat, scratching his arse, 840 00:55:10,208 --> 00:55:13,332 "wishing he wasn't middle class.. ." 841 00:55:13,416 --> 00:55:14,915 (LAUGHING) 842 00:55:31,125 --> 00:55:33,082 I've met someone else. 843 00:55:33,541 --> 00:55:36,207 What, around here? You wanna be careful. 844 00:55:38,708 --> 00:55:41,832 He's Welsh. He does ceramics. 845 00:55:41,916 --> 00:55:43,415 Oh, pottery sheep? 846 00:55:46,250 --> 00:55:47,707 We should think about getting a divorce. 847 00:55:47,791 --> 00:55:50,457 No. No. 848 00:55:52,250 --> 00:55:55,499 It would be better for you, better for the kids, better for Denise. 849 00:55:55,583 --> 00:55:57,165 That's far too logical. 850 00:55:59,666 --> 00:56:03,374 No, Bet, that would be just like tossing everything away. 851 00:56:04,333 --> 00:56:06,665 -Don't do this, Ian. -I love you. 852 00:56:06,875 --> 00:56:08,499 I know you love me. 853 00:56:11,500 --> 00:56:13,207 But you don't need me. 854 00:56:18,375 --> 00:56:20,249 There's someone else who needs me. 855 00:56:41,166 --> 00:56:42,582 (RAPPING ON DOOR) 856 00:56:47,458 --> 00:56:50,415 Hello. Welcome home. 857 00:56:51,541 --> 00:56:54,540 -I missed you. -Oh, I missed you, too. 858 00:57:12,291 --> 00:57:15,124 You have painted. 859 00:57:15,208 --> 00:57:17,290 Mmm-hmm. Freshen it up. 860 00:57:18,625 --> 00:57:20,915 I thought it was looking a bit jaded. 861 00:57:27,208 --> 00:57:30,499 -You don't like it, do you? -I didn't say that. 862 00:57:32,000 --> 00:57:33,415 But you don't. 863 00:57:41,166 --> 00:57:43,082 It's all very. .. 864 00:57:45,250 --> 00:57:46,665 white. 865 00:57:48,333 --> 00:57:50,082 (AUDlENCE CHEERlNG) 866 00:57:57,708 --> 00:57:59,207 (CHEERlNG STOPS) 867 00:58:06,083 --> 00:58:07,499 Knock-knock. 868 00:58:12,250 --> 00:58:13,707 Who's there? 869 00:58:19,041 --> 00:58:20,707 We got some great tunes. 870 00:58:20,791 --> 00:58:24,124 Now all we need is a band with a drummer I can't sack. Hit me! 871 00:58:24,208 --> 00:58:25,624 -One, two! -Three, four! 872 00:58:26,041 --> 00:58:28,249 (BLOCKHEADS PLAYING) 873 00:58:31,166 --> 00:58:33,374 # You must have seen parties of Blockheads 874 00:58:34,166 --> 00:58:36,415 # With blotched and lagered skin 875 00:58:37,500 --> 00:58:39,499 # Blockheads with food particles in their teeth 876 00:58:40,166 --> 00:58:42,165 # What a horrible state they're in 877 00:58:43,041 --> 00:58:45,999 # They've got womanly breasts under pale mauve vests 878 00:58:46,416 --> 00:58:48,624 # Shoes like dead pigs' noses 879 00:58:49,625 --> 00:58:52,374 # Cornflake packet jacket Catalogue trousers 880 00:58:52,500 --> 00:58:54,665 # A mouth what never closes 881 00:58:55,375 --> 00:58:58,332 # You must have seen Blockheads in raucous teams 882 00:58:58,625 --> 00:59:00,790 # Dressed up after work 883 00:59:01,541 --> 00:59:04,290 # Who screw their poor old Eileens 884 00:59:04,375 --> 00:59:06,999 # Get sloshed and go berserk 885 00:59:08,166 --> 00:59:10,165 # Rotary accessory watches 886 00:59:10,875 --> 00:59:12,999 # Hire-purchase signet rings 887 00:59:13,666 --> 00:59:16,624 # A beauty to the bully boys 888 00:59:16,791 --> 00:59:19,457 # No lonely vestige clings 889 00:59:19,833 --> 00:59:28,999 -# Blockheads, Blockheads -Oi, oi! 890 00:59:29,083 --> 00:59:40,957 # Blockheads, Blockheads 891 00:59:57,541 --> 01:00:02,749 # Blockhead, Blockhead, Blockhead, Blockhead, Blockhead! # 892 01:00:03,125 --> 01:00:06,749 CROWD: (CHANTING) lan! Ian! lan! 893 01:00:10,958 --> 01:00:12,665 IAN: Oh, this is it. Just on the right. Pull in here. 894 01:00:12,750 --> 01:00:14,249 (TYRES SCREECHING) 895 01:00:23,916 --> 01:00:26,874 Oh, my life! God, it hasn't changed one little iota. 896 01:00:44,291 --> 01:00:45,790 Right, then, Chris. Let's get this done 897 01:00:45,875 --> 01:00:48,249 -before we attract too much attention. -Okay, Ian. 898 01:00:48,750 --> 01:00:50,374 (CAMERA CLICKING) 899 01:00:52,083 --> 01:00:53,874 (CAMERA CLICK ECHOING) 900 01:00:53,958 --> 01:00:56,374 -Nice. -Oi! What are you doing? 901 01:00:56,708 --> 01:00:58,874 -I'm bored. -Only boring people get bored. 902 01:00:58,958 --> 01:01:00,749 Go on, off you go. 903 01:01:03,625 --> 01:01:06,332 Baxter, I'm not gonna tell you again. 904 01:01:07,583 --> 01:01:09,165 CHRIS: Couple of more poses. 905 01:01:12,458 --> 01:01:13,957 IAN: Come on, Baxter, I'm working. 906 01:01:16,166 --> 01:01:18,457 Hold it. Hold it there. 907 01:01:20,125 --> 01:01:21,540 Got it. 908 01:01:21,625 --> 01:01:23,040 (CROWD CHEERlNG) 909 01:01:23,125 --> 01:01:24,707 Go on, off you go, son. 910 01:01:24,833 --> 01:01:27,582 (SEX & DRUGS & ROCK & ROLL PLAYING) 911 01:01:28,083 --> 01:01:29,624 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, 912 01:01:29,708 --> 01:01:32,207 please welcome the jewel in the English crown, 913 01:01:32,291 --> 01:01:34,499 Mr lan Dury! 914 01:01:39,958 --> 01:01:42,082 One, two, three, four! 915 01:01:42,166 --> 01:01:44,290 # Sex & drugs & rock & roll 916 01:01:46,583 --> 01:01:48,374 # Are all my brain and body need 917 01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:53,332 # Sex & drugs & rock & roll 918 01:01:57,333 --> 01:01:59,540 # ls very good indeed 919 01:01:59,708 --> 01:02:03,665 # Every bit of clothing ought to make you pretty 920 01:02:03,833 --> 01:02:07,957 # You can cut the clothing Grey is such a pity 921 01:02:08,125 --> 01:02:12,290 # l should wear the clothing of Mr Walter Mitty 922 01:02:12,500 --> 01:02:17,207 # See my tailor, he's called Simon l know it's going to fit 923 01:02:21,208 --> 01:02:23,374 # Here's a little bit of advice 924 01:02:23,458 --> 01:02:25,290 # You're quite welcome, it is free 925 01:02:25,541 --> 01:02:27,790 # Don't do nothing that is cut price 926 01:02:27,958 --> 01:02:29,999 # You know what it'll make you be 927 01:02:30,125 --> 01:02:32,165 # They will try their tricky device 928 01:02:32,333 --> 01:02:34,124 # Trap you with the ordinary 929 01:02:34,416 --> 01:02:36,582 # Get your teeth into a small slice 930 01:02:36,916 --> 01:02:39,415 # The cake of liberty! 931 01:02:56,291 --> 01:03:04,415 # Sex & drugs & rock & roll 932 01:03:05,083 --> 01:03:08,790 AUDIENCE: # Sex & drugs & rock & roll 933 01:03:09,416 --> 01:03:11,832 (PANTlNG) 934 01:03:12,083 --> 01:03:13,707 (YELLlNG) 935 01:03:13,875 --> 01:03:26,832 # Sex, drugs, rock & roll! 936 01:03:26,916 --> 01:03:32,374 # Sex, drugs, rock & roll # 937 01:03:59,583 --> 01:04:02,249 CROWD: (CHANTING) Ian! Ian! Ian! 938 01:04:08,416 --> 01:04:10,165 MAN: Ian! Ian! 939 01:04:10,375 --> 01:04:12,040 (ALL CLAMOURING) 940 01:04:14,250 --> 01:04:18,790 See, people imagine people like me want all of that, 941 01:04:20,208 --> 01:04:23,165 to be popular and famous, but I don't. 942 01:04:24,708 --> 01:04:28,540 I prefer being a lurker, 'cause I like being naughty. 943 01:04:29,375 --> 01:04:31,082 Paul McCartney says when he gets recognised, 944 01:04:31,166 --> 01:04:32,707 he just walks brusquely away. 945 01:04:32,791 --> 01:04:36,332 Well, if I walk brusquely away, I fall over and down I go a-tumble. 946 01:04:36,416 --> 01:04:37,832 (ALL LAUGHING) 947 01:04:38,083 --> 01:04:39,499 Did I say you could laugh? 948 01:04:39,583 --> 01:04:43,165 -Touch me, Ian! Touch me! -I ain't the fucking Pope, am I? 949 01:04:44,125 --> 01:04:45,540 IAN: Now you can laugh. 950 01:04:45,708 --> 01:04:47,124 (ALL LAUGHING) 951 01:04:47,416 --> 01:04:49,374 FANS: Ian! Ian! 952 01:04:49,458 --> 01:04:51,040 (ALL CLAMOURING) 953 01:05:00,541 --> 01:05:04,249 REPORTER: So, how's the new gaff? ls it keeping all you guys productive? 954 01:05:04,916 --> 01:05:08,665 IAN: Well, you've got to pace your life, lie fallow for stages, 955 01:05:08,750 --> 01:05:10,332 so that's what l'm doing. 956 01:05:10,416 --> 01:05:13,165 Biding me time till I'm ready to pounce. 957 01:05:14,708 --> 01:05:18,290 Bax? Bax? Don't you want to swim? 958 01:05:19,250 --> 01:05:20,874 -You sure? -Yeah. 959 01:05:23,125 --> 01:05:26,374 You yourself, have you lost that common touch people said you had? 960 01:05:26,750 --> 01:05:29,457 IAN: Oh, well, that all depends on where l'm touching them, doesn't it? 961 01:05:29,791 --> 01:05:33,124 REPORTER: Well, is it possible to maintain a uniqueness, do you think? 962 01:05:33,250 --> 01:05:35,457 IAN: Well, we're all unique, aren't we? Eh? 963 01:05:35,541 --> 01:05:39,957 Yeah, but if you wish to package that uniqueness, 964 01:05:40,333 --> 01:05:42,415 well, then you take risks. 965 01:05:43,083 --> 01:05:44,999 Don't we, Denise? Eh? 966 01:05:45,125 --> 01:05:46,999 REPORTER: Even with things in love? 967 01:05:47,250 --> 01:05:49,624 Love. Mmm. 968 01:05:49,708 --> 01:05:52,499 Well, there are people in this world who act purely out of love. 969 01:05:52,958 --> 01:05:56,374 Whereas, me, I'm a wanker being interviewed by a cunt and I love it. 970 01:05:56,458 --> 01:05:58,082 (ENTOURAGE LAUGHING) 971 01:05:58,375 --> 01:06:00,332 Am I making a bit of a kipper of meself, Denny? 972 01:06:00,625 --> 01:06:03,832 I think this little squirt wants to know how we're getting on. 973 01:06:05,333 --> 01:06:06,499 Well, I'd like to be at home. 974 01:06:06,583 --> 01:06:08,374 Oh, would you? Well, this is home. 975 01:06:08,791 --> 01:06:11,332 No, this is rented for a small fortune, actually. 976 01:06:11,416 --> 01:06:14,749 Oh, well, you know, we've gotta be here 'cause we've got to work, haven't we? 977 01:06:14,833 --> 01:06:18,165 It's industrial relations now. No time for real relations. 978 01:06:18,416 --> 01:06:19,915 Yeah, I'd noticed. 979 01:06:20,041 --> 01:06:22,124 (ALL LAUGHING) 980 01:06:31,208 --> 01:06:32,707 All right, goose? 981 01:06:36,583 --> 01:06:39,290 Amphetamines. Speed, Billy Whizz, 982 01:06:39,375 --> 01:06:41,790 Black Beauties, sulphate. Righteous stuff. 983 01:06:43,541 --> 01:06:45,665 Originally a nasal decongestant. 984 01:06:45,750 --> 01:06:48,040 Used during the war. It keeps you awake. 985 01:06:48,125 --> 01:06:50,707 Basically, speed won the Battle of Britain. 986 01:06:52,041 --> 01:06:55,165 They were flying very high, those boys. Literally. 987 01:06:57,375 --> 01:07:00,832 -That's a lot. -Don't want to withdraw. Here you go. 988 01:07:04,708 --> 01:07:06,165 (COUGHING) 989 01:07:06,250 --> 01:07:08,874 (LAUGHING) Go on, son. Give it here. 990 01:07:13,791 --> 01:07:16,415 MAN ON FILM: Your lives are to be spared. 991 01:07:16,750 --> 01:07:20,290 The terrible penalty of crucifixion has been set aside. .. 992 01:07:20,375 --> 01:07:23,332 -CHAz: What's this? -.. .on the single condition 993 01:07:23,666 --> 01:07:27,499 that you identify the body or the living person 994 01:07:27,583 --> 01:07:30,040 of the slave called Spartacus. 995 01:07:32,041 --> 01:07:34,332 -l'm Spartacus! -l'm Spartacus! 996 01:07:34,750 --> 01:07:36,207 Ow! 997 01:07:36,875 --> 01:07:38,374 -You spilled me nuts. -Oh, sorry. 998 01:07:38,458 --> 01:07:40,124 Don't look for it now. 999 01:07:40,666 --> 01:07:42,124 -l'm Spartacus! -l'm Spartacus! 1000 01:07:42,250 --> 01:07:43,665 We should work. 1001 01:07:43,750 --> 01:07:45,749 (SHUSHING) Kirk Douglas is just about to get crucified. 1002 01:07:45,833 --> 01:07:49,082 Yeah, I know, but I've just written a brilliant riff, right? 1003 01:07:49,166 --> 01:07:51,790 -I promise you, it's a brilliant. .. -Just relax, will you? You doughnut. 1004 01:07:52,416 --> 01:07:54,665 Ian, listen, it's fantastic. We should go and work on it. 1005 01:07:54,750 --> 01:07:56,499 What are you? Some kind of mad nutty professor? 1006 01:07:56,583 --> 01:07:58,040 Will you shut up? I'm trying to watch a movie. 1007 01:08:04,416 --> 01:08:07,332 -Chaz, you're standing in my way. -I've got to get the guitar. 1008 01:08:07,416 --> 01:08:09,040 Will you get me some more nuts? 1009 01:08:09,125 --> 01:08:11,124 Actually, can you get me some olives as well? Stoned. 1010 01:08:11,458 --> 01:08:13,040 (ALL GROANING) 1011 01:08:18,666 --> 01:08:20,082 IAN: Take a month. 1012 01:08:25,375 --> 01:08:27,332 IAN: Come on, Baxter, what's wrong with you? 1013 01:08:27,500 --> 01:08:29,832 -Scared of a bit of water? -DENISE: Leave him alone, Ian. 1014 01:08:30,041 --> 01:08:32,915 -Just jump in, it's the only way. -No, I don't wanna. 1015 01:08:33,083 --> 01:08:35,249 -Look, he doesn't want to, Ian. -Go on, I dare you. 1016 01:08:35,541 --> 01:08:36,832 -It's bloody freezing. -Go on. 1017 01:08:36,916 --> 01:08:39,290 -Let him off. Go on, Bax. -No, no. 1018 01:08:39,583 --> 01:08:43,207 70% of the world is covered in water. It's a very dangerous place. 1019 01:08:43,291 --> 01:08:45,540 -Go on, Bax. Go on. -Where are you going? 1020 01:08:46,416 --> 01:08:48,457 -Oi! -BAXTER: Why don't you jump in? 1021 01:08:49,291 --> 01:08:51,290 Actually, I was a brilliant swimmer. 1022 01:08:52,708 --> 01:08:54,957 Don't you think how lucky we are? 1023 01:08:55,333 --> 01:08:57,582 Very big house and a pool 1024 01:08:57,666 --> 01:08:59,832 and a record at number one in the hit parade. 1025 01:09:00,500 --> 01:09:02,957 -Don't that make you happy? -You need sleep, Ian. 1026 01:09:03,083 --> 01:09:06,124 Yeah, plenty of time for sleeping when you're dead. 1027 01:09:12,666 --> 01:09:15,290 The last chicken in the shop, 1028 01:09:16,375 --> 01:09:19,790 the juicy golden goosey 1029 01:09:21,291 --> 01:09:23,165 and I am cooked. 1030 01:09:26,125 --> 01:09:28,915 (HlT ME WlTH YOUR RHYTHM STICK PLAYING) 1031 01:09:31,000 --> 01:09:32,499 (CROWD CHEERING LOUDLY) 1032 01:09:51,791 --> 01:09:54,832 # In the deserts of Sudan 1033 01:09:56,375 --> 01:09:59,790 # And the gardens of Japan 1034 01:10:00,958 --> 01:10:04,207 # From Milan to Yucatán 1035 01:10:05,416 --> 01:10:09,415 # Every womans' every man 1036 01:10:10,291 --> 01:10:12,415 # Hit me with your rhythm stick 1037 01:10:12,500 --> 01:10:14,332 # Hit me Hit me 1038 01:10:14,833 --> 01:10:16,707 # lst gut, c'est fantastique 1039 01:10:17,000 --> 01:10:18,665 # Hit me, hit me, hit me! 1040 01:10:19,291 --> 01:10:21,165 # Hit me with your rhythm stick 1041 01:10:21,416 --> 01:10:23,499 # lt's nice to be a lunatic 1042 01:10:23,833 --> 01:10:25,874 # Hit me! Hit me! 1043 01:10:26,208 --> 01:10:27,749 (YELLING) 1044 01:10:33,083 --> 01:10:34,665 # Hit me! 1045 01:10:36,875 --> 01:10:38,999 Turn your fucking mike down! I can't hear myself think. 1046 01:10:39,500 --> 01:10:41,290 -# Hit me! -Stop fucking me around! 1047 01:10:42,208 --> 01:10:45,457 -Oh, come on, man. -I already told you once. 1048 01:10:45,541 --> 01:10:46,999 (ARGUING INDISTINCTLY) 1049 01:10:47,083 --> 01:10:49,332 (MUSIC FALLING APART) 1050 01:10:49,416 --> 01:10:51,124 Get him off me, I'll fucking kill him! 1051 01:10:52,083 --> 01:10:53,957 You're fucking up everything! 1052 01:10:54,166 --> 01:10:56,415 (ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) 1053 01:10:57,541 --> 01:10:59,124 (CROWD BOOING) 1054 01:10:59,625 --> 01:11:01,874 Oh, yeah? Forget it! 1055 01:11:02,791 --> 01:11:05,207 (SINGING DRUNKENLY) 1056 01:11:05,291 --> 01:11:08,999 # Jingle bells # Rudolph smells 1057 01:11:09,083 --> 01:11:11,082 # Santa shagged an elf 1058 01:11:11,458 --> 01:11:15,124 # Tiny Tim plays with his crutch and thinks it is himself 1059 01:11:15,375 --> 01:11:17,165 (ALL LAUGHING) 1060 01:11:22,416 --> 01:11:24,290 Happy Christmas! 1061 01:11:24,500 --> 01:11:27,582 I'm.. .the husband. 1062 01:11:31,916 --> 01:11:33,874 So, where'd you get your black eye from? 1063 01:11:33,958 --> 01:11:37,457 (SLURRING) Well, it's funny you should say that, actually, because.. . 1064 01:11:37,958 --> 01:11:40,290 -Sorry, what's your name again? -Clive. 1065 01:11:41,708 --> 01:11:46,707 Anyway, so we were at this posh restaurant. .. Where were we, Strang? 1066 01:11:46,791 --> 01:11:47,957 -Oh, Caprice. -Caprice. 1067 01:11:48,041 --> 01:11:52,415 Fucking I look over, right? And I say, 1068 01:11:52,500 --> 01:11:55,540 "Look, it's Omar fucking Sharif. It is!" 1069 01:11:55,625 --> 01:11:59,290 So I go all the way over. And I go over and I says to him, 1070 01:11:59,666 --> 01:12:02,207 "Your first film was great and the rest were shit." 1071 01:12:02,291 --> 01:12:05,207 And he said, "I don't give a fuck what you think." 1072 01:12:05,291 --> 01:12:07,374 And I said, "Oh, you're a cunt." 1073 01:12:07,458 --> 01:12:09,124 And he said, "Fucking come on, then" 1074 01:12:09,208 --> 01:12:11,374 and then he fucking smacked me right in the face. 1075 01:12:11,458 --> 01:12:13,499 I mean, talk about overreacting. 1076 01:12:13,583 --> 01:12:15,999 Fucking nice fighter. 1077 01:12:16,375 --> 01:12:19,624 That's the most expensive fist you'll ever have in your mouth. 1078 01:12:19,708 --> 01:12:21,540 Do you want stuffing with that? 1079 01:12:21,625 --> 01:12:23,499 Ooh. 1080 01:12:23,791 --> 01:12:28,207 (BLEATING) 1081 01:12:40,458 --> 01:12:45,582 BETTY: Not too much for me, darling. That's too much. Thanks. 1082 01:12:51,541 --> 01:12:53,249 (SNIGGERING) 1083 01:13:02,458 --> 01:13:03,957 (IAN LAUGHING) 1084 01:13:16,458 --> 01:13:18,040 (SIGHING) 1085 01:13:34,416 --> 01:13:38,332 "Home improvement expert 1086 01:13:38,416 --> 01:13:41,415 "Harold Hill of Harold Hill 1087 01:13:43,375 --> 01:13:49,332 "Came home to find another gentleman's kippers in his grill 1088 01:13:52,375 --> 01:13:58,540 "So he sanded the geezer's winkle off with a Black & Decker drill." 1089 01:14:04,291 --> 01:14:06,374 (CRYING) 1090 01:14:08,125 --> 01:14:10,040 (LAUGHING) 1091 01:14:11,833 --> 01:14:14,165 IAN: You're all right, Clive. You know that? 1092 01:14:15,583 --> 01:14:17,249 Merry Christmas. 1093 01:14:22,541 --> 01:14:24,874 Go on, finish now. Get on with the fucking thing. 1094 01:14:28,708 --> 01:14:30,499 Something wrong with you, man? "Stand up, sit down." 1095 01:14:30,583 --> 01:14:32,915 -I can't keep up with you. -Oh, whinge, whinge, whinge. 1096 01:14:33,291 --> 01:14:34,957 I'm gonna be keeping my eyes on you. 1097 01:14:35,166 --> 01:14:37,040 Come out of my face with that thing, man. 1098 01:14:37,375 --> 01:14:39,415 And my name is Desmond, not Sparky. 1099 01:14:39,875 --> 01:14:42,832 Desi. Desiré. Desiré.. . 1100 01:14:43,041 --> 01:14:45,415 -Desmond. -All right, Desiré. 1101 01:14:46,291 --> 01:14:47,957 Like your shirt, by the way. 1102 01:14:48,041 --> 01:14:50,165 I used to have one like that in the 1 970s, you know. 1103 01:14:51,125 --> 01:14:53,540 Oi, come on, give us a smile. What's wrong with that? 1104 01:14:53,666 --> 01:14:55,832 Come inside and close the blood claat door, man. 1105 01:14:55,916 --> 01:14:59,540 Fucking Strang, Strang. Now we get on with the show. 1106 01:14:59,625 --> 01:15:01,207 Right. Time is money. Money is time. 1107 01:15:01,291 --> 01:15:03,665 This is expensive equipment. Can we do this? 1108 01:15:04,208 --> 01:15:05,665 Come on, then. 1109 01:15:05,750 --> 01:15:08,040 (THERE AlN'T HALF BEEN SOME CLEVER BASTARDS PLAYING) 1110 01:15:11,375 --> 01:15:14,624 (OFF-KEY) # Noël Coward was a charmer 1111 01:15:15,833 --> 01:15:18,582 # As a writer he was Brahma 1112 01:15:18,666 --> 01:15:20,915 -(MUSIC STOPS) -# With. .. 1113 01:15:21,000 --> 01:15:22,332 l can't be dealing with this thing, man. 1114 01:15:22,416 --> 01:15:24,457 What was wrong with that? That was perfect. 1115 01:15:24,541 --> 01:15:25,624 Do it again. Do it again. 1116 01:15:25,708 --> 01:15:28,207 Sorry. Sorry, guys. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. 1117 01:15:28,291 --> 01:15:30,207 Please forgive me. Please, please, please. All right. 1118 01:15:30,291 --> 01:15:31,707 (MUSIC RESUMES) 1119 01:15:31,791 --> 01:15:34,999 They've got no fucking sense of humour, that lot, I tell you. 1120 01:15:35,666 --> 01:15:38,790 (OFF-KEY) # Noël Coward was a charmer.. . # 1121 01:15:38,875 --> 01:15:40,457 CHAZ: Try pitching it up a little bit. IAN: What? 1122 01:15:40,541 --> 01:15:42,749 Pitch it. Pitch it. Listen to the white boy and add pitch. 1123 01:15:42,833 --> 01:15:45,207 -Pitching? They want pitching. -Okay, we're gonna do one more. 1124 01:15:45,291 --> 01:15:47,415 -IAN: Fuck 'em. -This is ridiculous, man. 1125 01:15:47,500 --> 01:15:49,624 lt sound like a bad version of Barry White. 1126 01:15:49,708 --> 01:15:51,665 -What the fuck did he just say? -You better. .. 1127 01:15:51,750 --> 01:15:53,624 Chaz. What did he say? 1128 01:15:53,833 --> 01:15:56,249 CHAZ: All right. One more time. 1129 01:15:57,958 --> 01:15:59,915 Just. .. Just cool the fuck down, man. 1130 01:16:00,250 --> 01:16:12,540 (ALL SHOUTING) 1131 01:16:12,625 --> 01:16:15,999 Get me up! Get me fucking up. You cunt! 1132 01:16:16,083 --> 01:16:18,457 Look at my drums! Look at my drums! 1133 01:16:18,541 --> 01:16:21,249 You don't touch one of my instruments, you. .. 1134 01:16:22,583 --> 01:16:24,207 That's it. 1135 01:16:25,166 --> 01:16:27,915 -Get out of my studio. -Look, look. Look. 1136 01:16:28,000 --> 01:16:31,207 See, I've got egg all over my fucking face and I'm all right. 1137 01:16:31,333 --> 01:16:33,582 Jesus. I'll kill you! 1138 01:16:33,666 --> 01:16:35,582 (ALL SHOUTING) 1139 01:16:36,125 --> 01:16:38,040 -Just calm down. -Fuck off, mate. 1140 01:16:38,125 --> 01:16:40,540 -You is a dead man. -Where's my fucking manager? 1141 01:16:40,625 --> 01:16:42,832 You're a dead man. You're a dead man. 1142 01:16:43,416 --> 01:16:45,749 -Here are your eggs. -You're a dead man. 1143 01:16:45,833 --> 01:16:49,124 The only thing a manager is good for is doing up your fly 1144 01:16:49,208 --> 01:16:50,957 after a good fucking wank. 1145 01:16:51,833 --> 01:16:54,957 Barry White. l'll give you Barry fucking White, you cunt. 1146 01:16:55,041 --> 01:16:56,790 (EXCLAIMING) 1147 01:16:57,875 --> 01:16:59,415 (EQUIPMENT HISSING) 1148 01:17:01,458 --> 01:17:03,290 (ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) 1149 01:17:08,375 --> 01:17:10,915 .. .never try to teach a pig to sing 1150 01:17:11,583 --> 01:17:14,207 because it wastes time and it annoys the pig! 1151 01:17:14,291 --> 01:17:15,957 (MOANING) 1152 01:17:16,291 --> 01:17:21,957 # Do re mi so far so good! 1153 01:17:22,041 --> 01:17:24,415 (IAN CATERWAULING) 1154 01:17:25,833 --> 01:17:28,207 Police brutality! 1155 01:17:28,666 --> 01:17:30,165 (IAN BLOWING RASPBERRY) 1156 01:17:37,083 --> 01:17:39,540 (SIREN BLARING) 1157 01:17:47,666 --> 01:17:49,249 (INAUDIBLE) 1158 01:17:55,500 --> 01:17:56,999 I'm sorry. 1159 01:18:03,041 --> 01:18:04,499 (WHISTLE BLOWING) 1160 01:18:18,666 --> 01:18:20,540 (IAN BREATHING HEAVILY) 1161 01:18:33,458 --> 01:18:37,165 I know. We all want to escape ourselves. 1162 01:18:37,541 --> 01:18:39,332 Best to learn your place. 1163 01:18:41,791 --> 01:18:43,457 Accept your cripplage. 1164 01:18:44,000 --> 01:18:45,457 (DOOR SLAMS) 1165 01:18:51,333 --> 01:18:52,374 Denny. 1166 01:18:54,958 --> 01:18:56,790 It's good to see you. 1167 01:18:58,958 --> 01:19:00,790 I think I need a bit of saving. 1168 01:19:01,958 --> 01:19:03,624 Where you been? 1169 01:19:04,375 --> 01:19:05,915 Coming and going. 1170 01:19:09,875 --> 01:19:11,457 -Oi, oi. -Oi, oi. 1171 01:19:16,833 --> 01:19:18,415 Ian, I, um. .. 1172 01:19:19,541 --> 01:19:21,832 -I need some time off. -Yeah, don't we all? 1173 01:19:21,916 --> 01:19:26,540 Yeah, I need to, um, get away and do my own stuff. 1174 01:19:27,166 --> 01:19:28,665 Don't be a doughnut. There's plenty of time for all that 1175 01:19:28,750 --> 01:19:30,874 -when you've had a proper shave. -I'm serious. 1176 01:19:33,583 --> 01:19:37,457 -Is there a boozer round here? -Yeah, round the corner. The Feathers. 1177 01:19:48,625 --> 01:19:50,874 So, Baxter. 1178 01:19:50,958 --> 01:19:55,082 I understand you've found it difficult to fit in at other schools. 1179 01:19:55,958 --> 01:20:00,707 Well, our motto here is ex corde vita. 1180 01:20:01,250 --> 01:20:03,957 Out of the heart springs life. 1181 01:20:05,958 --> 01:20:08,499 Baxter. Baxter. 1182 01:20:09,041 --> 01:20:11,499 Tell me, what would you like to achieve here? 1183 01:20:11,583 --> 01:20:13,415 What would you like to do? 1184 01:20:14,375 --> 01:20:15,957 Hmm? 1185 01:20:17,041 --> 01:20:18,749 Baxter? 1186 01:20:23,083 --> 01:20:24,665 I'll tell you what. 1187 01:20:24,750 --> 01:20:27,999 I'll leave you alone for a moment, just to have a little think. 1188 01:20:39,416 --> 01:20:40,874 (PLAlSTOW PATRlClA PLAYING) 1189 01:20:40,958 --> 01:20:46,165 # Arseholes, bastards, fucking cunts and pricks 1190 01:20:49,458 --> 01:20:54,540 # Aerosol the bricks 1191 01:20:56,125 --> 01:20:57,832 (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) 1192 01:20:57,916 --> 01:21:02,915 # A lawless brat from a council flat Oh, oh 1193 01:21:56,583 --> 01:21:58,124 (BAXTER BREATHING HEAVILY) 1194 01:21:58,250 --> 01:21:59,665 Come on, Baxter. 1195 01:22:00,291 --> 01:22:04,165 That's it. Come on, sit up straight. It's all right. It's okay. 1196 01:22:04,291 --> 01:22:07,915 Big, deep breaths. Big, deep breaths. That's a good boy. 1197 01:22:08,083 --> 01:22:10,832 Come on, you can do it. Fatten your lungs up. 1198 01:22:10,916 --> 01:22:20,999 In and out. In and out. 1199 01:22:21,708 --> 01:22:23,207 That's it. That's it. 1200 01:22:32,625 --> 01:22:34,082 I'm sorry. 1201 01:22:36,333 --> 01:22:39,082 -You're always saying you're sorry. -Am I? 1202 01:22:39,500 --> 01:22:41,124 Yeah. 1203 01:22:43,916 --> 01:22:47,249 Well, that's 'cause.. . Well, that's 'cause I am. 1204 01:22:49,083 --> 01:22:50,540 Okay. 1205 01:22:54,291 --> 01:22:56,249 You don't want to be like me, Baxter. 1206 01:22:57,083 --> 01:22:59,040 Please don't try and be like me. 1207 01:23:01,958 --> 01:23:03,540 You want to be like you. 1208 01:23:06,041 --> 01:23:08,040 We're all on our own, remember? 1209 01:23:09,458 --> 01:23:11,915 No, Dad. I'm here. 1210 01:23:30,916 --> 01:23:32,665 What's been going on? 1211 01:23:33,250 --> 01:23:34,790 Just the same, you know. 1212 01:23:35,791 --> 01:23:37,249 How are you? 1213 01:23:39,750 --> 01:23:41,832 Sometimes it doesn't work out, okay? 1214 01:23:48,958 --> 01:23:51,249 Sometimes you have to save yourself. 1215 01:24:00,750 --> 01:24:02,957 (SOFT POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 1216 01:24:12,208 --> 01:24:14,165 Did you have a nice time, Bax? 1217 01:24:18,000 --> 01:24:19,374 How's your dad? 1218 01:24:22,791 --> 01:24:25,249 "I'm fine, Mummy. Thanks for asking." 1219 01:24:25,458 --> 01:24:26,999 (CAR HORN BLARING) 1220 01:24:47,250 --> 01:24:52,749 Mum? Mum? Mum! 1221 01:25:12,583 --> 01:25:14,707 Christ almighty. 1222 01:25:15,458 --> 01:25:17,165 Language. 1223 01:25:32,166 --> 01:25:33,749 You look terrible. 1224 01:25:35,416 --> 01:25:36,957 Thanks. 1225 01:25:41,250 --> 01:25:42,707 Grapes. 1226 01:25:48,958 --> 01:25:50,874 -I blame myself. -For the grapes? 1227 01:25:50,958 --> 01:25:52,332 (CHUCKLES) 1228 01:25:53,583 --> 01:25:57,374 I've not been particularly full of the joie de vivre. 1229 01:26:00,458 --> 01:26:02,082 All the colours have gone. 1230 01:26:05,500 --> 01:26:07,374 Wanted the world to go away, too. 1231 01:26:11,416 --> 01:26:12,832 It almost did. 1232 01:26:14,916 --> 01:26:17,707 Count the blessings in the here and now, eh? 1233 01:26:21,458 --> 01:26:23,082 (BREATHING DEEPLY) 1234 01:26:23,333 --> 01:26:24,790 Tired, Ian. 1235 01:26:26,250 --> 01:26:27,957 Will you stay? 1236 01:26:31,250 --> 01:26:32,874 Of course I will. 1237 01:26:40,500 --> 01:26:42,124 (CHILDREN CHATTERING) 1238 01:26:47,500 --> 01:26:50,665 -Okay, everyone. So this is Ian. -Hello. 1239 01:26:50,750 --> 01:26:53,290 Ian used to be a student here a few years back. 1240 01:26:53,583 --> 01:26:57,332 And everyone's very excited about you being here, aren't we? 1241 01:26:57,458 --> 01:26:58,999 Well, thank you very much. It's nice to be here. 1242 01:26:59,083 --> 01:27:01,499 Ian, I think you said it's okay if people ask you questions. 1243 01:27:01,583 --> 01:27:03,207 Yeah, go on, pile them in. 1244 01:27:05,833 --> 01:27:07,832 Don't all rush at once. 1245 01:27:07,916 --> 01:27:10,457 -Okay, so.. . -Who'll go first? 1246 01:27:11,083 --> 01:27:13,790 Finished? Is that it? Right. Well, I'm off, then. 1247 01:27:13,875 --> 01:27:16,374 Oh, I don't know why they got so quiet now. They were really noisy before. 1248 01:27:16,500 --> 01:27:18,957 Oh, yeah. Cortez, you wanted to talk to Ian, didn't you? 1249 01:27:20,875 --> 01:27:23,207 -(STRUGGLING) Hello. -He says hello. 1250 01:27:23,291 --> 01:27:26,665 Oh, hello, mate. Hello. How you going? You all right? What you been up to? 1251 01:27:29,208 --> 01:27:31,999 (STRUGGLING) Did you always 1252 01:27:32,083 --> 01:27:36,082 want to be a singer? 1253 01:27:36,166 --> 01:27:38,374 -Did you always want to be a.. . -Singer. 1254 01:27:39,208 --> 01:27:41,332 Well, I don't really think of myself as a singer, 1255 01:27:41,416 --> 01:27:44,624 as it happens, I think of myself as more of an entertainer, really. 1256 01:27:44,708 --> 01:27:46,582 You know, I always wanted to get up on a stage. 1257 01:27:46,666 --> 01:27:48,665 Give it all that, you know. 1258 01:27:48,791 --> 01:27:50,457 (ALL LAUGHING) 1259 01:27:50,541 --> 01:27:53,165 I don't know how much longer I can get away with it, really, 1260 01:27:53,583 --> 01:27:55,290 'cause I'm a bit of an old chap. 1261 01:27:55,375 --> 01:27:57,957 (CHUCKLES) Anybody else? 1262 01:28:01,750 --> 01:28:05,540 -Do you believe in God? -What's that? 1263 01:28:06,041 --> 01:28:10,374 Do you believe in almighty God who created us in His image? 1264 01:28:11,375 --> 01:28:16,707 I believe in good, which I think is the same thing. 1265 01:28:16,916 --> 01:28:18,874 But do you believe in God? Up in heaven? 1266 01:28:19,416 --> 01:28:22,540 Oh, I used to, but, erm. .. 1267 01:28:23,875 --> 01:28:26,082 -But not any more. -Why not? 1268 01:28:28,291 --> 01:28:31,332 Because I think that down here on Earth, I think that's. .. 1269 01:28:32,875 --> 01:28:35,124 that's where you got to get your nut together. 1270 01:28:35,666 --> 01:28:38,582 -Typical. -Did you just say "typical"? 1271 01:28:40,500 --> 01:28:42,999 (LAUGHING) He's a cheeky little bugger, isn't he? 1272 01:28:43,083 --> 01:28:44,665 (LAUGHING) 1273 01:28:46,375 --> 01:28:47,874 You're gonna help me write a song, okay? 1274 01:28:47,958 --> 01:28:49,915 You're going to help me with the rhythm, right? 1275 01:28:50,000 --> 01:28:52,540 Now, rhythm. Who's tricky with rhythm? Eh? 1276 01:28:52,791 --> 01:28:54,790 Right. Rhythm, I'll have you know, 1277 01:28:54,875 --> 01:28:56,457 is the longest word in the English dictionary 1278 01:28:56,541 --> 01:28:57,999 without any vowels in it, right? 1279 01:28:58,083 --> 01:29:01,582 It's very, very special because you can feel it right here. 1280 01:29:01,916 --> 01:29:04,999 I'm gonna give you a rhythm, all right? One, two, three, four. 1281 01:29:05,125 --> 01:29:06,540 (CHILDREN PLAYING) 1282 01:29:06,666 --> 01:29:09,540 One, two, three, four. Wait for it. 1283 01:29:11,000 --> 01:29:14,874 One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. 1284 01:29:14,958 --> 01:29:16,415 One, two, three.. . 1285 01:29:21,458 --> 01:29:23,332 All right, louder. Everybody louder. 1286 01:29:24,583 --> 01:29:28,499 Louder! Louder! 1287 01:29:28,916 --> 01:29:30,832 (CHILDREN YELLING) 1288 01:29:30,916 --> 01:29:34,040 Go crazy! Go crazy with it! Come on. 1289 01:29:34,125 --> 01:29:36,290 Louder! 1290 01:29:36,375 --> 01:29:38,082 (YELLING) 1291 01:29:43,208 --> 01:29:45,415 I think that went really well. Thank you so much. 1292 01:29:45,500 --> 01:29:48,582 I had a fight with a guy called Jimmy Coghill behind that tree. 1293 01:29:49,791 --> 01:29:52,124 (LAUGHING) Did you really? Did you win? 1294 01:29:52,208 --> 01:29:53,665 No, he knocked seven tons of shit out of me. 1295 01:29:55,375 --> 01:30:00,165 There was an orderly here by the name of Hargreaves. Is he still going? 1296 01:30:00,250 --> 01:30:04,665 I'm sorry, Ian. It was a while ago, but Mr Hargreaves took his own life. 1297 01:30:05,666 --> 01:30:08,582 He hanged himself up in one of the attics. 1298 01:30:08,666 --> 01:30:10,165 Yeah, it's very sad. 1299 01:30:14,083 --> 01:30:15,540 (WlND CH lMES TlNKLlNG) 1300 01:30:20,000 --> 01:30:22,249 That has made my day, that has. 1301 01:30:30,250 --> 01:30:32,290 -See you. -Yeah, thanks again. 1302 01:30:44,333 --> 01:30:46,249 I don't know who you are any more. 1303 01:30:49,291 --> 01:30:50,999 But you know what I really can't take? 1304 01:30:53,958 --> 01:30:55,540 It's the hope. 1305 01:30:57,416 --> 01:31:00,165 The hope that it's gonna get better. 1306 01:31:05,375 --> 01:31:07,040 It's not, is it? 1307 01:31:13,625 --> 01:31:15,707 Everything's out of joint. 1308 01:31:18,333 --> 01:31:20,999 I don't really know if I've got the bollocks to stop it. 1309 01:31:29,166 --> 01:31:31,249 You've got to get out of here, Denny. 1310 01:31:34,125 --> 01:31:36,415 Run away. And you got to do it all by yourself. 1311 01:31:40,250 --> 01:31:43,624 You'll still be my gracious, my family. 1312 01:31:46,041 --> 01:31:50,165 And if you ever forget that, act sorry for yourself, 1313 01:31:50,250 --> 01:31:52,707 I'll come back and I'll bleedin' well haunt you. 1314 01:31:53,875 --> 01:31:55,332 You understand? 1315 01:31:56,375 --> 01:31:59,290 Hello, it's Graham, from the Spastics Society. 1316 01:31:59,375 --> 01:32:00,999 We spoke on the phone. 1317 01:32:02,208 --> 01:32:03,874 (BOTH CHATTERING) 1318 01:32:15,125 --> 01:32:16,832 (STARTING CAR ENGINE) 1319 01:32:23,250 --> 01:32:28,165 "Full participation and equality for all." That's the motto. 1320 01:32:28,250 --> 01:32:30,374 This United Nations Year of the Disabled 1321 01:32:30,458 --> 01:32:32,999 is a tremendous opportunity, you know, 1322 01:32:33,083 --> 01:32:36,165 to make people really sit up and think. 1323 01:32:36,250 --> 01:32:39,665 Of course, we're going to need all the help we can get, so. .. 1324 01:32:40,708 --> 01:32:42,874 Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could get back on top again? 1325 01:32:42,958 --> 01:32:45,832 Maybe you get a new song, maybe another hit single. Who knows? 1326 01:32:46,958 --> 01:32:49,499 -The UN are very keen. -Are they? 1327 01:32:51,666 --> 01:32:55,207 I understand you've been dabbling in a spot of acting. 1328 01:32:55,291 --> 01:32:58,374 Oh, yeah, I've played a few villains in me time. Typecast. 1329 01:32:58,458 --> 01:33:01,624 (LAUGHS) Well, here's an opportunity to introduce yourself all over again. 1330 01:33:01,708 --> 01:33:03,874 You know, a new fan base, new beginnings. 1331 01:33:05,000 --> 01:33:06,957 Oh, dear. Your friend seems to have gone. 1332 01:33:07,041 --> 01:33:09,207 Well, look, you seem to be in a spot of trouble. 1333 01:33:09,291 --> 01:33:11,249 May I give you a lift? 1334 01:33:14,833 --> 01:33:17,082 Yeah. That'd be great. 1335 01:34:26,916 --> 01:34:29,374 It's really. .. It's really great to have you back. 1336 01:34:30,500 --> 01:34:32,249 The prodigal son returns. 1337 01:34:34,625 --> 01:34:40,165 To be a geezer like me, you got to be a bit of a selfish loony, really. 1338 01:34:40,250 --> 01:34:44,290 Can't bother too much about day and night 1339 01:34:44,500 --> 01:34:46,249 and right and wrong and so forth. 1340 01:34:46,916 --> 01:34:52,124 And occasionally one's behaviour 1341 01:34:53,250 --> 01:34:55,457 makes one ashamed of oneself. 1342 01:34:57,625 --> 01:34:59,290 Well, I'm glad to hear it. 1343 01:35:00,750 --> 01:35:06,165 Anyway, this Year of the Disabled. .. Got a chance now to get back on top. 1344 01:35:06,250 --> 01:35:07,707 Proper deals going down, so. .. 1345 01:35:08,666 --> 01:35:12,707 So, what have you got? 1346 01:35:13,583 --> 01:35:17,582 # When Tessie Trouble's on patrol 1347 01:35:18,875 --> 01:35:22,707 # And Suzie Sadness makes you blue 1348 01:35:23,875 --> 01:35:27,624 # When Lennie Love come through the door 1349 01:35:32,500 --> 01:35:34,165 (BLOWING RASPBERRY) 1350 01:35:44,250 --> 01:35:46,207 Well, it's not Sex, Drugs & Rock & Roll, is it? 1351 01:35:46,291 --> 01:35:49,415 (GROANING) Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. 1352 01:35:50,458 --> 01:35:52,207 Fucking Year of Disabled. 1353 01:35:52,708 --> 01:35:55,290 I mean, it's like, what? Like, last year we was fine 1354 01:35:55,375 --> 01:35:57,790 and next year is going to be great, but this year, just this year, 1355 01:35:57,875 --> 01:36:00,915 oh, we're all gonna be a right bunch of fucking cripples, aren't we, eh? 1356 01:36:01,000 --> 01:36:02,874 Why don't we just form a band? 1357 01:36:03,083 --> 01:36:06,749 I know, I know, we can call ourselves Spastic and the Autistics. 1358 01:36:08,166 --> 01:36:12,165 Oi, oi! You dribblin', wibblin', scribblin', cripplin' little 1359 01:36:12,250 --> 01:36:16,415 fucking hobblin', wobblin', bobblin' fantastic spastic! 1360 01:36:17,583 --> 01:36:19,165 (LAUGHING) 1361 01:36:20,166 --> 01:36:21,665 I like it. 1362 01:36:21,791 --> 01:36:24,999 MAN ON RADIO: And welcome back. Well, we all like a bit of jazz, don't we? 1363 01:36:25,083 --> 01:36:28,457 And so, turning to our next item and that's the continuing controversy 1364 01:36:28,541 --> 01:36:31,165 surrounding the United Nations Year of the Disabled. 1365 01:36:31,250 --> 01:36:34,915 We're going to hear from lan Drury, the housewife's favourite punk rocker, 1366 01:36:35,000 --> 01:36:37,415 the man who put the phrase "sex & drugs & rock & roll" 1367 01:36:37,500 --> 01:36:38,957 into the English language, 1368 01:36:39,041 --> 01:36:41,707 and whose new song Spasticus Autisticus 1369 01:36:41,791 --> 01:36:44,832 has been labelled outrageous and offensive. 1370 01:36:45,041 --> 01:36:47,707 We also have with us Graham Hart from the Spastics Society 1371 01:36:47,791 --> 01:36:51,290 to talk about full participation in the Year of the Disabled. 1372 01:36:51,375 --> 01:36:53,540 -Hello, there. -So, turning to you first, Ian Drury. .. 1373 01:36:53,625 --> 01:36:57,749 First of all, it's not Drury or Dreary or Doory, it's Dury. 1374 01:36:57,833 --> 01:36:59,540 (GRAHAM LAUGHING) 1375 01:36:59,625 --> 01:37:02,874 But I would like to say that, yeah, I think we should all fully participate 1376 01:37:02,958 --> 01:37:06,374 in holding Graham down and chopping off his tiny little bollocks 1377 01:37:06,458 --> 01:37:08,665 -for being a spineless little shit. -Right, Ian, thank you. 1378 01:37:08,750 --> 01:37:10,165 I don't think this is the time or the place. 1379 01:37:10,250 --> 01:37:13,499 No, it's not the time or the place. You're right. It never is, is it? 1380 01:37:13,583 --> 01:37:16,165 I'm terribly sorry. Will you excuse me, please? 1381 01:37:17,416 --> 01:37:20,374 -Bandit! -No, nobody has banned anything. 1382 01:37:20,458 --> 01:37:22,665 No, you. You're a bandit. You're a chiseller. 1383 01:37:22,750 --> 01:37:24,374 Well, they don't ban cripples, either, do they, eh? 1384 01:37:24,458 --> 01:37:25,999 They just make it difficult for them to function. 1385 01:37:26,083 --> 01:37:28,415 The song is still being played on current affairs programmes. 1386 01:37:28,500 --> 01:37:29,957 (SCOFFS) Great! Yeah, that's great! 1387 01:37:30,083 --> 01:37:32,999 Late at night when all the raspberries are tucked up in bed, 1388 01:37:33,083 --> 01:37:34,915 oh, not doing any harm to anybody. 1389 01:37:35,000 --> 01:37:36,790 Yes, well, it was found offensive. 1390 01:37:36,875 --> 01:37:38,665 How could I go up to somebody, right, 1391 01:37:38,750 --> 01:37:40,790 who's got the same disabilities as me and be offensive? 1392 01:37:40,875 --> 01:37:42,874 No, not disabled people so much, no. 1393 01:37:42,958 --> 01:37:46,290 Well, it wasn't written for you, was it? Eh? The walkie-talkies! 1394 01:37:46,541 --> 01:37:49,332 It's a war cry type of item, like "Spartacus!" 1395 01:37:49,416 --> 01:37:51,874 Yes, well, if I remember correctly, Spartacus was crucified. 1396 01:37:51,958 --> 01:37:54,082 Yeah, I'll be in good company, then, won't I? 1397 01:37:54,166 --> 01:37:57,582 Look, it was felt that what you've written just isn't very sympathetic. 1398 01:37:57,666 --> 01:38:00,582 Sympathetic? Life ain't sympathetic, right? 1399 01:38:00,791 --> 01:38:03,165 I'm not Tiny Tim. I am Ian Dury. 1400 01:38:03,250 --> 01:38:06,207 People like me do not want sympathy. They want respect. 1401 01:38:06,458 --> 01:38:07,999 It's a waste. Okay? 1402 01:38:08,083 --> 01:38:11,999 People felt you had the opportunity to do something remarkable. 1403 01:38:12,083 --> 01:38:15,124 Your crowning glory, to be remembered after you've long gone. 1404 01:38:15,208 --> 01:38:17,332 I do not give a shit. 1405 01:38:17,416 --> 01:38:20,207 I don't care if I'm as popular as a Chinese pig in a synagogue. 1406 01:38:20,291 --> 01:38:24,165 I am not here to be remembered, I'm here to be alive! 1407 01:38:24,708 --> 01:38:28,165 So you take your Dis-United Nations, right, 1408 01:38:28,250 --> 01:38:32,290 and your Year of Dissembling and stick it right up your fucking 'arris. 1409 01:38:34,166 --> 01:38:35,540 Cunt. 1410 01:38:55,208 --> 01:38:56,999 Keep your body strong, keep your guard up. 1411 01:38:57,083 --> 01:38:59,165 Ian, I need a rest. Ow. 1412 01:39:07,125 --> 01:39:09,082 Clive and I want to be together. 1413 01:39:09,791 --> 01:39:11,624 We don't wanna rush into that. Look what happened last time. 1414 01:39:11,708 --> 01:39:14,457 Some blokes turn out to be an absolute nightmare. 1415 01:39:16,333 --> 01:39:18,165 I want a divorce, Ian. 1416 01:39:21,416 --> 01:39:22,915 I still love you. 1417 01:39:24,250 --> 01:39:26,374 It's not about love, silly. 1418 01:39:28,291 --> 01:39:30,082 It's not your choice. 1419 01:39:37,958 --> 01:39:39,415 Let me go. 1420 01:39:46,208 --> 01:39:47,874 Go on, you're fired. 1421 01:39:50,791 --> 01:39:52,374 BETTY: Darling. 1422 01:39:55,166 --> 01:39:56,707 Getting better. 1423 01:39:59,916 --> 01:40:02,415 You're not gonna shout at me again, are you? 1424 01:40:20,125 --> 01:40:22,040 You actually been in yet? 1425 01:40:26,958 --> 01:40:28,749 Oh, easy, tiger. 1426 01:40:32,750 --> 01:40:35,624 -How's Mum? -She's fine. She's gonna be fine. 1427 01:40:36,583 --> 01:40:39,915 Look, it's done. 1428 01:40:41,625 --> 01:40:43,499 We had to let Strangler go, 1429 01:40:43,583 --> 01:40:46,374 'cause, well, the dramas backstage 1430 01:40:46,458 --> 01:40:48,040 were getting better than the actual show. 1431 01:40:49,541 --> 01:40:51,665 Son, I'm sorry. 1432 01:40:54,000 --> 01:40:55,749 Close your eyes. 1433 01:40:56,208 --> 01:40:58,124 Go on. Go on. Close your eyes. 1434 01:41:01,125 --> 01:41:02,749 Can you feel that? 1435 01:41:03,208 --> 01:41:06,207 Well, that's my hand. 1436 01:41:09,083 --> 01:41:13,624 From now until forever, I will always be there. 1437 01:41:15,208 --> 01:41:17,082 Just above your shoulder. 1438 01:41:17,875 --> 01:41:19,457 All right? 1439 01:41:39,916 --> 01:41:41,665 I'll tell you what, though. 1440 01:41:41,750 --> 01:41:43,915 I've just been offered a part in a film. 1441 01:41:44,000 --> 01:41:48,124 To play an undernourished villain who wins in the end through love. 1442 01:41:49,250 --> 01:41:53,915 You could come with. Be my assistant. If you like. 1443 01:41:59,791 --> 01:42:02,999 -Don't you wanna watch me swim? -Nah. You'll be all right. 1444 01:42:03,166 --> 01:42:06,790 Just remember, keep your head up, 1445 01:42:06,875 --> 01:42:09,457 keep kicking, try not to drown. 1446 01:42:23,625 --> 01:42:28,499 "When a free man dies, he loses the pleasure of life. 1447 01:42:30,375 --> 01:42:32,457 "A slave loses his pain. 1448 01:42:33,916 --> 01:42:38,082 "Death is the only freedom a slave knows. 1449 01:42:39,333 --> 01:42:41,415 "That's why he's not afraid of it. 1450 01:42:43,791 --> 01:42:45,457 "That's why we'll win. .." 1451 01:43:13,958 --> 01:43:15,665 HARGREAVES: Sit properly. 1452 01:43:18,625 --> 01:43:22,915 -Eat your fish. -No! It's horrible. 1453 01:43:24,833 --> 01:43:28,707 What did you say? You do as you're told. 1454 01:43:36,708 --> 01:43:41,124 I said, I ain't eating that, it's fucking horrible! 1455 01:43:49,041 --> 01:43:50,707 (SCREAMING) 1456 01:44:11,291 --> 01:44:15,332 (CROWD CHANTlNG) 1457 01:44:20,708 --> 01:44:22,207 One, two, three.. . 1458 01:44:22,291 --> 01:44:30,957 # l'm Spasticus, Spasticus Spasticus Autisticus 1459 01:44:31,041 --> 01:44:35,165 # l wiggle when l piddle 'Cause my middle is a riddle 1460 01:44:35,250 --> 01:44:36,957 # Swim! 1461 01:44:52,083 --> 01:44:55,040 # Get up! Get up! Get up that dive board! Over! 1462 01:44:55,416 --> 01:44:56,874 # Whoo! 1463 01:45:00,291 --> 01:45:04,499 # So place your hard-earned peanuts in my tin 1464 01:45:04,583 --> 01:45:07,999 # And thank the Creator you're not in the state l'm in 1465 01:45:08,916 --> 01:45:12,082 # So long have l been languished on the shelf 1466 01:45:13,083 --> 01:45:15,665 # l must give all proceedings to myself 1467 01:45:17,291 --> 01:45:25,624 # l'm Spasticus, Spasticus Spasticus Autisticus 1468 01:45:25,750 --> 01:45:29,957 # 54 appliances in leather and elastic 1469 01:45:30,041 --> 01:45:35,124 # 1 00,000 thank-yous from 27 spastics 1470 01:45:35,416 --> 01:45:38,457 # Spasticus Spasticus Autisticus 1471 01:45:38,541 --> 01:45:42,624 # l'm Spasticus, Spasticus Spasticus Autisticus 1472 01:45:42,708 --> 01:45:44,832 # Dribbling, wiggling, fiddling, nibbling 1473 01:45:44,916 --> 01:45:49,915 # Fiddling, diddling, widdling, diddling Spasticus 1474 01:45:50,000 --> 01:45:53,290 -I'm Spasticus! -I'm Spasticus! 1475 01:45:53,375 --> 01:45:56,332 # l'm Spasticus! 1476 01:45:56,416 --> 01:45:59,457 -Dad! -I'm Spasticus! 1477 01:46:00,416 --> 01:46:05,582 I'm Spasticus! 1478 01:46:05,958 --> 01:46:09,082 # One, two, three, four Spasticus! 1479 01:46:09,250 --> 01:46:11,165 CROWD: (CHANTING) Ian! Ian! Ian! 1480 01:46:13,833 --> 01:46:15,249 (GASPING) 1481 01:46:18,625 --> 01:46:20,374 (GRUNTING) 1482 01:46:35,875 --> 01:46:38,665 And the moral of the story is 1483 01:46:41,541 --> 01:46:43,290 don't go looking for morals in stories. 1484 01:46:43,375 --> 01:46:46,290 lf you want a message, fuck off down the post office. 1485 01:46:48,500 --> 01:46:53,457 Someone once asked me if l'd missed anything. 1486 01:46:53,875 --> 01:46:55,499 Well.. . 1487 01:46:56,666 --> 01:47:02,457 lf l'd never had a good-looking girl, a great job, great haircut, 1488 01:47:02,541 --> 01:47:04,457 then l could complain, 1489 01:47:04,541 --> 01:47:06,874 but the only thing l've ever missed is a few buses. 1490 01:47:11,333 --> 01:47:13,249 One Iast time, Chazanova. 1491 01:47:14,250 --> 01:47:16,082 (PLAYING SWEET GENE VlNCENT) 1492 01:47:17,291 --> 01:47:19,082 # Blue Gene baby 1493 01:47:21,875 --> 01:47:26,624 Now, there are a couple of ways to avoid death. 1494 01:47:28,250 --> 01:47:32,374 And one of them is to be magnificent. 1495 01:47:34,000 --> 01:47:35,665 And this is my favourite way. 1496 01:47:39,708 --> 01:47:44,290 # Skinny white sailor The chances were slender 1497 01:47:44,375 --> 01:47:46,749 # The beauties were brief 1498 01:47:48,458 --> 01:47:53,665 # Shall l mourn your decline with some Thunderbird wine 1499 01:47:53,750 --> 01:47:55,999 # And a black handkerchief? 1500 01:47:57,750 --> 01:47:59,582 # l miss your sad 1501 01:48:02,125 --> 01:48:04,374 # Virginia whisper 1502 01:48:07,250 --> 01:48:09,249 # l miss the voice 1503 01:48:11,625 --> 01:48:14,332 # That called my heart 1504 01:48:18,208 --> 01:48:23,915 # Sweet Gene Vincent 1505 01:48:27,750 --> 01:48:31,415 # Young and old 1506 01:48:35,750 --> 01:48:37,207 # And gone # 1507 01:49:21,791 --> 01:49:23,915 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 1508 01:49:24,083 --> 01:49:26,624 (REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL, PART 3 PLAYING) 1509 01:49:28,208 --> 01:49:34,499 # Why don't you get back into bed? 1510 01:49:34,583 --> 01:49:37,749 # Reasons to be cheerful, part three 1511 01:49:38,916 --> 01:49:40,790 # Some of Buddy Holly, the working folly 1512 01:49:40,875 --> 01:49:42,874 # Good Golly Miss Molly and boats 1513 01:49:42,958 --> 01:49:45,165 # Hammersmith Palais, the Bolshoi Ballet 1514 01:49:45,250 --> 01:49:47,249 # Jump back in the alley add nanny goats 1515 01:49:47,333 --> 01:49:49,207 # 1 8-wheeler ScammeIls, Domineker camels 1516 01:49:49,291 --> 01:49:51,374 # All other mammals plus equal votes 1517 01:49:51,458 --> 01:49:53,499 # Seeing Piccadilly, Fanny Smith and Willy 1518 01:49:53,583 --> 01:49:55,499 # Being rather silly and porridge oats 1519 01:49:55,583 --> 01:49:57,582 # A bit of grin and bear it, a bit of come and share it 1520 01:49:57,666 --> 01:49:59,499 # You're welcome, we can spare it yellow socks 1521 01:49:59,583 --> 01:50:01,874 # Too short to be haughty, too nutty to be naughty 1522 01:50:01,958 --> 01:50:03,957 # Going on 40, no electric shocks 1523 01:50:04,041 --> 01:50:05,999 # The juice of the carrot, the smile of the parrot 1524 01:50:06,083 --> 01:50:08,124 # A little drop of claret, anything that rocks 1525 01:50:08,208 --> 01:50:10,124 # Elvis and Scotty days when l ain't spotty 1526 01:50:10,208 --> 01:50:12,332 # Sitting on the potty, curing smallpox 1527 01:50:12,416 --> 01:50:24,707 # Reasons to be cheerful, part three 1528 01:50:24,791 --> 01:50:28,582 # Reasons to be cheerful One, two, three 1529 01:50:39,458 --> 01:50:41,457 # One, two, three 1530 01:50:41,541 --> 01:50:43,540 # Health service glasses Gigolos and brasses 1531 01:50:43,625 --> 01:50:45,624 # Round or skinny bottoms 1532 01:50:45,708 --> 01:50:47,749 # Take your mum to Paris lighting up the chalice 1533 01:50:47,833 --> 01:50:49,915 # Wee Willie Harris 1534 01:50:50,000 --> 01:50:53,790 # Bantu Stephen Biko, listening to Rico Harpo, Groucho, Chico 1535 01:50:54,125 --> 01:50:56,124 # Cheddar cheese and pickle the Vincent motorsickle 1536 01:50:56,208 --> 01:50:58,249 # Slap and tickle 1537 01:50:58,333 --> 01:51:00,082 # Woody Allen, Dalí, Dimitri and Pasquale 1538 01:51:00,166 --> 01:51:02,290 # Balabalabala and Volare 1539 01:51:02,375 --> 01:51:04,415 # Something nice to study phoning up a buddy 1540 01:51:04,500 --> 01:51:06,457 # Being in my nuddy 1541 01:51:06,541 --> 01:51:08,665 # Saying okey-dokey, singalong-a-Smokie 1542 01:51:08,750 --> 01:51:10,207 # Coming out of chokey 1543 01:51:10,750 --> 01:51:12,665 # John Coltrane's soprano, Adi Celentano 1544 01:51:12,750 --> 01:51:15,082 # Bonar Colleano 1545 01:51:15,166 --> 01:51:27,290 # Reasons to be cheerful, part three 1546 01:51:27,375 --> 01:51:31,540 # Reasons to be cheerful One, two, three 1547 01:51:39,750 --> 01:51:41,207 # Yes, yes, dear, dear 1548 01:51:41,291 --> 01:51:43,790 # Perhaps next year or maybe even never 1549 01:51:43,875 --> 01:51:47,249 # ln which case 1550 01:52:21,750 --> 01:52:33,207 # Reasons to be cheerful, part three 1551 01:52:34,208 --> 01:52:38,165 # Reasons to be cheerful One, two, three 1552 01:52:38,500 --> 01:52:49,499 # Reasons to be cheerful, part three 1553 01:52:50,916 --> 01:52:55,207 # Reasons to be cheerful One, two, three 1554 01:52:56,041 --> 01:52:58,665 Johnny! 1555 01:53:32,708 --> 01:53:36,790 # Reasons to be cheerful One, two, three 1556 01:53:39,708 --> 01:53:41,415 # Oi, oi, oi! 1557 01:53:43,166 --> 01:53:45,124 # One, two, three 1558 01:53:45,333 --> 01:53:47,249 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 1559 01:54:16,500 --> 01:54:19,915 Oi, oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. Oi. 1560 01:54:20,625 --> 01:54:22,749 Now, fuck off all of you. You're fired! 1561 01:54:22,833 --> 01:54:24,499 And go and be magnificent!