一千世纪以来...
法拉费尔家族统治沙漠只有一件事:
速度!
我们有最快的骆驼和最快的马!
现在,由于...
...你知道的...
...我们有最快的飞机...
...最快的船和最快的车!
除了一样:你们!
去年我派你到美国去完成一项简单的任务
那么简单
将法拉菲尔的名字作为世界上最快的标志
通过赢得炮弹飞车的比赛
而你...失败了!
- 万分感谢! - 但是沙漠之狮...
...王中之王...
- ...爸爸! - 别找借口,你这个最丑老婆的儿子!
万分感谢!
你怎么有一个金发,蓝眼睛的奴隶,嗯?
他是一个演员,已经七年没有连续剧了
九年!
- 两个万分感谢! - 我知道我没赢,爸爸
我病了,我的溃疡...
我命令你回美国...
...去赢得炮弹飞车比赛!
我给你最后一次机会,因为...
...你是我唯一有驾照的儿子
- 但是爸爸,今年没有炮弹飞车比赛 - 那又怎样?
- 买一个 - 当然!
- 我们后面有几个聪明人 - 慢下来,让我们看看他们有多大胆
- 哇!多漂亮的一对小妞啊! - 无聊到此为止! - 让我们来搞定他们!
- 聪明的女人 - 他们跑不过电台
查理,你那里有一个要来了,你大约三分钟后就会看到
你还有三分钟!伙计,一对漂亮的小妞!
路笔直如箭,我能看见五英里以外的东西,想知道他们在哪里?
别慌,注意路边的灰尘,他们不可能动摇我们
- 你听到了吗?我想我们把他们弄丢了 - 你怎么会失去一辆白色的兰博基尼
- 和两个小妞,在这么偏僻的地方? - 这是什么?一个小测试吗?我们把他们弄丢了,好吗?
哈哈,我刚找到他们,孩子,狩猎到此结束
祝你好运,朋友!
他们一定在我们之间,把车开出去,挡住这该死的路
你还有什么好主意吗?
我正在向东追赶一辆白色的兰博基尼
这不是录音
嘿,谢谢你的水管工作!
如果我告诉你们一件事,你们不会认为我喝醉了,对吧?
白色的兰博基尼不见了,但我身后有一辆红色的正在按喇叭
更正!它从我身边经过,里面有两个漂亮的小妞!
- 你知道的,马西,我们已经安排好了 - 是的,我想我们已经准备好炮弹飞车了
哦,是的,我想是的,雷东多海滩有多远?
- 150英里 - 嗯,一个小时
我们还在等什么?我们走吧!
女士们,先生们,欢迎来到第五届马德拉航空展
这是美国最伟大,最轰动的特技飞行员和勇敢者的聚会
展示你从未见过的飞翔和勇气...
...其中最具挑战死亡特技的是:
人体炸弹!所以带上你的孩子,带上你的帽子
庆典马上就要开始了!
你确定这是个好主意吗,J.J?
一个好主意?
- 我们会变得很富有 - 富有? - 富有!
我们要把所有的东西对半分,我们是搭档!
- 搭档? - 你说得对,我们是朋友,不是吗? - 搭档和朋友
- 我们会发财的 - 有钱的搭档和朋友 - 没错!
- 如果出了什么问题怎么办? - 会出什么问题?
我们有二战时期的王牌俯冲轰炸机飞行员
- 俯冲轰炸机? - 哦,是的,他会让你直接下飞机...
...用这个,你会直接穿过目标 - 目标? - 穿过...
- ...然后变成一张网,结实的网... - 网?
如果你通过这个网,你就会掉到干草里,我是说,这么多干草
- 你可以养活德州所有的牛 - 我在担心什么?
- 没有!你疯了吗? - 我很高兴你在笑
他不会失手的!他不会失手的!我祝福你,你不会失手的
- J.J.,我还是很害怕 - 你还是害怕吗? - 是的
好吧,如果你害怕,你可以让“他”来做
“他”不会来除非对人类生命有严重的危险
对...
你应该叫“他”
你好,我是杰克.史密斯
我们带着摄像机为3000万观众记录了一架老式俯冲轰炸机
模拟攻击飞行,扔一个人肉炸弹
一个被钢铁包裹的人,冒着生命危险
以140英里每小时的速度冲向地面!
现在,这是个非常有勇气的人
他注定要成为家喻户晓的人物
他会被要求签名
他的照片将登上世界各地的杂志封面
数百万崇拜他的女性将拜倒在他的脚下
他一定会成为全国名人
哦,狗屎...
- J.J!好久不见! - 很高兴见到你,混沌队长
- 听着,我想替换你在炸弹里 - 不要害怕,“他”在这里
- 这会让我很高兴 - 你想要吗? - 是的 - 你说对了
- 谢谢你 - 吸进去! - 好的
真是个男子汉!
给我一个D,给我一个D,给我一个D-E-U
给我一个T,给我一个T,T-S-C-H
是的,德国!听着...
- 你想喝杯啤酒吗? - 嘿!
- 嘿! - 德国,德国... - 我想要离开这里!
你自找的!
他来了,伙计们...这是他...
这是我们在马德拉表演过的最危险的特技之一
在他的最后一次接近...这必须是完美的第一次
那是我的搭档,多么棒的团队!
卡车已经在路上了,我们马上就会知道他的情况
好棒的飞行员!好棒的飞行员!你还好吗?
哦,我的天啊,你看到了吗?那不是很棒的吗?
- 我太高兴了... - 哦,闭嘴,把我弄出去!
- 你听到人群的声音了吗?我们棒极了! - 把我弄出来!
我可以在人物杂志上看到我们,我们会大受欢迎的!
J.J.,你看起来矮了一点!
- J.J.,你还好吗?你知道吗?我算出来了 - 是吗?
- 如果我们一天做十次... - 是吗? - ...到今年年底
我们会成为亿万富翁的!
- 那是什么? - 哦,别担心那个,那是炮弹飞车比赛
又一次,一百万美元的奖金,别担心,我们会成为亿万富翁
- 我说什么来着? - 你要我一天做十次?
九次?
真讨厌!
我让你来这里是出于对家族的尊重
在过去,卡奈洛尼家族
是所有家族中最富有,最有权势的家族
我们控制毒品,卖淫,敲诈勒索
- 卖淫,赌博... - 嗯
你说了两次“卖淫”
嗯,我喜欢,而现在...
...意大利通心粉,意大利饺子,意大利宽面条...
...甚至连意大利饺子都比我们大
为什么?
- 高利率? - 酸雨? - 日本进口?
以上都不是
不...不...不
你,我都不想回答
哎呀老大,如果我知道会有一个测试我...我会好好学习的
当我把唐的权力传递给...
...我的儿子唐
让他成为唐唐
我对他寄予厚望
他做了什么?他只会给我们带来耻辱...
...和羞耻
等一下...
这只猫死了
给我一只新猫
哦,上帝...
这只猫可能是一个竞争者
我应该想到...谢谢你
这是一只斑猫,很好
是个公的
孩子们,去维加斯吧,靠近唐
- 唐唐 - 嗯? - 我们是来处理你的事情的
你有什么资产?
嗯,我的脾气很好,穿着也很得体,有些人认为...
- 那你的负债呢? - 嗯,有...
...一个小负债
什么?
嗯...我可以做个腹部除皱
腹部除皱?腹部除皱?!
- 我要杀了他...我要杀了他 - 冷静下来 - 我要杀了他
唐唐,你有什么突出的成绩吗?
- 看看收件箱 - 看看收件箱
30,000...它不是很突出,但它是一个开始
- 芬德鲍姆? - 嗯 - 芬德鲍姆...
- 你最好打电话给吉姆,告诉他他的车在哪里 - 我?我上次打过,你打给吉姆
- 好吧,你好! - 嗨!我能帮你们吗?
- 这东西卡住了 - 哦,是的,是的
- 走吧,迈克 - 是的,走吧
- 啊,真是个混蛋! - 好的,我们该怎么办?马西,嘿
嘿,亲爱的,在这里,是的,来吧，宝贝
嗨,甜心
- 你们还好吧? - 可以
这是一个美女,听起来不怎么样
它不是,我把6拿出来硬塞进383半
- 太热了,宝贝 - 嘿,你还有地方再坐两个人吗?
- 我是马西 - 是的,我是吉尔 - 我是乔治 - 走吧,乔治
洛杉矶塔台到日本的货机,向三号机库报告
收到,塔台
不走运,他们想让我们通过海关,他们将扣押你的汽车两天
那意味着你会错过比赛,你想做什么?
- 好吧,下降! - 好的
改变计划,你在逃避
- 按钮! - 收到
战斗岗位!
好吧,让我们隐形
我知道你在里面,布雷克,我能听到冰块的声音
是我,芬德鲍姆,开门!
布雷克,我知道你在里面!
糖果人可以
每个人都爱一个人,有时...
当我做杯马提尼酒时,我做的是杯马提尼酒
- 有人在窗户旁边 - 那只是窗户清洁工
- 亲爱的,是谁? - 我不知道,没有什么人
布雷克!
- 把窗户打开! - 我马上就回来,不要走开
我要杀了他
- 外面什么都没有 - 布雷克!到下面来!
我不管它是什么,不是现在!
但我现在得跟你谈谈
- 你要? - 是的
你知道我离地十八层吗?十八!
- 十八? - 是的,十八!
十八?
你知道你是我见过的个子最高的矮个子吗?
读这封信,好吗?只是读它,那是酋长送来的
他们会再次启动炮弹飞车,酋长设置
给获胜者一百万美元,你知道谁会赢吗?一百万美元!
现在放松点,不,别出来
- 我要进来 - 布雷克?
- 你要去哪里? - 我得去,这是一百万美元
你这讨厌鬼!
- 你从哪儿弄到脚手架的? - 啊?我以为这是电梯
我看你收到我的电报了,医生
就是那个印着图案的黄色东西吗?
- 是的 - 我收到了,是的,我读过,嗯...
这是...它说了什么?
上面说我想雇用你
在炮弹飞车过程中照顾好我的皇家溃疡
你对溃疡了解多吗?
直肠病学是我的专业
我很有可能...
...是世界上最著名的溃疡专家
我现在应该给你检查一下,打开
我消毒了,在我们继续下去之前...
这是我的费用问题,我们应该讨论一下我的费用...
这是...差不多就是这个数目
- 嘿,等一下,你要喝牛奶吗? - 是的
你不怕当它撞到你的肝脏时会凝结吗?
我的肝脏去年死了
- 我能帮你吗? - (21点加水) - 这里有人说东方话吗?
(两倍21点加水)
当然,一杯清酒来了
他说:“21点加水”
现在!
- 你明白了? - 是的先生,马上就来
我们会买一大瓶香槟酒,然后我们去我的地方
神父,你在说什么?
你没见过荆棘鸟吗?
嘿,伙计,我穿这身衣服永远也不会上床
从现在起,我只穿开领的衣服
- 没有人能仅靠面包生活 - 我可以,我喜欢面包
你知道,我最喜欢的是帕克豪斯卷,真是太好了
然后是俄罗斯黑麦,你知道的,里面有这么多葡萄干...
- 我不是在说那个 - 好...好吧
- 我说的是女人 - 女人? - 女人
我想要一个敏感而脆弱的女孩,我真的...我需要一个女孩
- 是的!我也是 - 你?
- 当然,嘿J.J.,我不是太监,你知道吗? - 你当然不是太监
不要那样贬低自己
你和太监长得太像了,但是你...
我只是在开玩笑,你想要个女孩?你可以娶我的一个女儿
- 我不能带走你的一个女儿 - 哦,你可以的 - 好吧,也许只是一个
好让我的气色好一点
- 所以明天... - 明天 - ...我们翻开了新的一页 - 新的一页
- 收拾干净! - 收拾干净
今晚...脏兮兮
- 嗨J.J! - 嗨!你们今晚有事吗?
- 现在没有 - 我们找个地方谈谈海关和凸轮轴吧
来吧,J.J!
我们还欠唐唐30,000美元吗?
- 你付给他了吗? - 没有
好吧,那我们还欠他30,000美元!
嗯,他的收集人来收账了
- 哪...哪...哪里? - 他在前门,但不要看
我说了不要看!
如果他在前门,我们从后门出去
既然他不能同时出现在两个地方,对吧?
- 这是个好建议 - 分裂的城市
- 我们会死的 - 是啊
- 他们会对我们做什么? - 不知道他们会对你做什么
但既然T先生不在这儿,我要忙着舔他们的靴子就看不见了!
钱,否则我轰掉你!
我去拿钱
听着伙计们,为什么像我们这样的行家会在雷东多海滩
- 和一群穿着连身衣裤的乡巴佬在一起? - 好吧,聪明人
- 你告诉我们! - 我们要去康涅狄格比赛,赢的人
- 将得到一百万美元现金! - 只有白痴才会支持那样的比赛
啊,芬德鲍姆,布雷克!
很高兴见到你!你应该在这个时候睡觉
记住,我们明天中午出发
皮鞋?野蛮人
来,来!给自己买一家像样的服装店
- 异教徒! - 这就是白痴
你知道,这些骗子可能说的是实话
海米.卡普兰,真是个惊喜!
哦哇!你看起来棒极了!
什么风把你吹到平托牧场来了?是工作还是娱乐?
- 我可以坐下吗? - 哦,当然
哦,这是生意
我刚跟爸爸说了,是不是很好笑?
- 唐,你不介意我叫你唐唐吧? - 不,不
很好,唐唐,当你父亲在布鲁克林和你闹矛盾的时候
他打电话给我,请我帮个忙,他能把你送到拉斯维加斯来吗
这样我就可以照看你了,我该怎么做呢?
我给你一份在赌场做事的工作,而你做了什么?
- 你把你所有的时间都花在合唱线上! - 一条线!
- 我只唱了一句糟糕的合唱! - 闭嘴!
我为你做的第二件事:你来找我
- 我借钱给你让你开始这... - 海米
- 经济衰退伤害了每一个小商人 - 哦是的
- 他欠多少钱? - 截至到9:30
以每周24%的利息加起来正好
9,332,448美元和55美分
海米,我已经尽力了!
什么?!我要杀了你
这就是悲剧所在,我还要帮你另一个大忙
我给你确切的时间直到明天还清所有债务
- 好吧,没有问题,因为... - 闭嘴
正好24小时,唐唐
我是说,笨笨
我想从现在起我要叫你笨笨了
你们觉得怎么样,伙计们?
- 真好笑,老大! - 一点都不好笑!
现在,我来告诉你什么事是好笑的!
明天,笨笨
海米,有个问题
哦我的上帝!
是什么问题?
它会继续,海米
- 你确定这家伙是你叔叔吗? - 是的,我告诉过你他也是你叔叔
听着,我告诉过你,不要告诉我,不要再向我解释了,拜托
他是我妈妈搬到加利福尼亚的弟弟,我妈妈
是你父亲的妹妹,你是我妈妈的哥哥的儿子
- 那是我们的叔叔吗? - 正如...正如他们所说,他...呃...
...呃...一个白色的豪华轿车,我有20年没见过他了
他是你那边的家人
卡尔叔叔?
你好,孩子们!卡尔是我的名字,车是我的游戏
通过小额首付和9.9%的融资得到了真正的宝贝儿
卡尔叔叔,我...我是你的外甥...呃...来自北卡罗来纳州的梅尔文
- 你是我哥哥和姐姐的儿子? - 我是你布鲁克林的侄子托尼
你是哪一双的?
好吧,这并不重要,我猜你们是对我的司机迷惑吧?
他看起来确实有点...呃...有点...呃...有点...
他...他很奇怪
是的,我的意思是,在这个镇上很容易拿到驾照吗?
哦,他没有驾照!到这里来
我从这里开车,他只是坐在那里,看起来像是在开车
这是一个宣传噱头,我有一个口号:
“如果一个猴子都会开车,那你也会!”
我爱这个孩子,他是我们家的一员
来吧,孩子,他不可爱吗?
嘿看,嘿,卡尔叔叔,我们遇到了一个真正的问题
嘿,卡尔叔叔,我们现在没钱,我们身无分文
是的,但是我们现在需要一辆车
- 你们到这里干什么? - 卡尔叔叔,我们... 呃...我们...
- 我们... 我们是炮弹... - 我们是炮弹飞车手
停下,孩子!我告诉过你不要玩电话
该死的黑猩猩打错电话每个月要花我300美元
嘿,住手,你这个灵长类动物!就这样!我受够你了!
对不起,伙计们,我得教这个老男孩一些礼仪
孩子!
现在你已经介入了!
孩子们,我有一个条件
我要把豪华轿车给你,但你得带着这个浑身是毛的狗娘养的!
- 如果他是舞蹈指导,我就是飞行员 - 真的?
- 老样子,我们去咖啡店吧 - 好吧
- 日场见? - 是的
如果我必须再唱一遍“音乐之声”,我会死的!
我受够了这个垃圾家庭,我要尖叫!
- 哦,太拥挤了 - 我们为什么要在这里吃饭?
- 姐妹们,坐这张桌子,我们就完了 - 哦,谢谢
你真慷慨,真贴心,保佑你,你真是太好了
我告诉你,我讨厌咖啡店,我讨厌这个节目
- 我厌倦了演艺事业 - 贝蒂,这样想:
- 它是通往百老汇的垫脚石 - 我得到了,而我在最底层
菲尼托,维罗妮卡,我想结婚,我想有个大房子
我只是想找个又好又甜又傻的百万富翁
- 你知道我要拿这50万做什么吗? - 告诉我 - 好吧
我要给我妈买一栋又大又好的新房子
我要给我侄子买匹小马,我会给孩子一把铲子
- 因为小马... - 我告诉你一件事 - J.J.,你打算怎么处理你的?
- 在我上车之前,我的钱就没了 - 真的?
- 来吧,我们去做个自我介绍 - 你疯了吗?
- 哦我的上帝! - 为了耶稣基督!
对不起先生们,但我们刚刚把咖啡洒了一桌子
- 你介意我们坐你旁边吗? - 和我们坐在一起?
- 你想加入我们吗? - 哦,不,别起来 - 当然 - 男修女,男修女
- 男修女,男修女? - 谢谢,先生
- J.J.,他们会加入我们 - 是的 - 谢谢
- 我是维罗妮卡修女 - 我是贝蒂修女
- 你好吗? - 我是J.J.麦克卢尔,这是维克多.普林斯
- 我们是搭档 - 你们结婚了吗?
不,只是搭档
- 搭档?好吧,亲爱的 - 贝蒂修女?
没错,但我们不是搭档,我们是姐妹,不是真正的姐妹
- 我们的顺序是一样的 - 你们是做什么工作的?
- 我们在全国范围内比赛 - 为了钱
哦,我们今天要去东海岸比赛
你要去百老汇吗?
康涅狄格州,你说你是哪个阶层的?
哦,其实这只是...一群女孩
- 一群女孩? - 我们是按照...
- 完美无瑕... - ...贞洁 - 纯洁无暇的秩序
纯洁无暇的秩序,我一直在读圣经
事实上,我读的是印在大头针上的圣经
太难了,但我从没听说过...
好吧,你得读读新约,那...甚至在新约中也没有
- 这是新... - 新浪潮 - 啊哈!
- 新...新测试...很进步的证明 - 我们试着抓住它
我们有神圣的工作要做,我们走吧
好的,好吧,也许下一次吧
- 你说你的比赛是什么时候? - 中午 - 在波托菲诺酒店,修女
- 再见,维罗妮卡修女 - 来吧,贝蒂修女
- 很高兴见到你,修女 - 谢谢 - 再见
来吧,快点贝蒂修女,我们有很多麻风病人在等着
- 唐唐? - 现在又是什么? - 一切都好
我们所做的是,我们集思齐想
在汽车比赛的路上把阿拉伯人给宰了
你们把脑袋凑在一起了,哈?听起来一定像保龄球馆!
- 是的,唐唐 - 我们需要数百万美元...现在几点了?
哦我的上帝!在明天!
如果我们能找到酋长,我们就拿到钱了
他想让我们敲诈阿拉伯人然后绑架他
- 为了什么? - 为了什么?!!赎金,你这白痴!赎金
R-A-N-S-U-M!赎金!
- 明白吗,你们这些蠢货? - 明白了,请让自己冷静下来
- 把这个告诉海米! - 好的,祝你愉快
J.J.,这合法吗?他们两人吗?同一时间?
J.J.,你很坏,嗨,吉尔,嗨,马西!
可爱的车!
想象一下J.J.昨晚编造的故事
- 他快把可怜的维克多逼疯了 - 是的,可怜的维克多完全相信了
- 好吧,他不知道不会伤害我们的 - 从来没有
- 让我们看看我们的竞争对手 - 好的
嗯,你看起来很棒,你真的这么做了,你看起来真性感!
性感?
- 你看起来... - 我看起来像个混蛋 - 不,你不是 - J.J.,我应该是什么?
你是个职业军人
从军四十年,军队的脊梁!
- 好吧! - 好的 - 伙计
- 真希望我有一枚奖章 - 你想要奖牌? - 嗯,我想要一枚奖章
- 拿一个 - 哦,不 - 拿一个,你是我的朋友 - 我不能拿
- 你的奖牌之一,我不能这样做 - 你喜欢哪个就拿哪个,我爱你
好吧
- 这个不错 - 这一个 - 谢谢
哦,这真是太棒了
国会荣誉勋章,非常感谢!
那真是太好了
哦孩子...哦,它是如此的闪亮,我真的很高兴,我爱它
- 哦,看,J.J. - 啊 - 早上好 - 早上好
将军?你是将军吗?J.J.麦克卢尔将军
- 哦,你是个大兵 - 国民警卫队 - 听着...
耶和华求你,我们也求你
纽约有紧急情况,我们必须赶到那里
- 我们失去了交通工具 - 我们的贫穷誓言
阻碍了我们的商业旅行,我们可以和你一起去吗?
我们只有48小时到达那里,你看,否则...
...麻风病人可能会引起恐慌
- 麻风病人? - 是的,我们在莫洛凯岛治疗麻风病人
现在他们中有几百人向东来到了大苹果(纽约)
- 我们想继续治疗他们 - 哦...
- 哦,当然修女,这一定很棒 - 对不起
- 对不起,就一分钟 - 什么? - 过来
- 什么? - 你怎么能告诉他们“大苹果”?!
- 麻风病人?大苹果? - 好吧,大苹果就是纽约,J.J.
- 我知道 - 我甚至不知道那里有麻风病人
- 听我说,我们不能带修女一起去 - 哦拜托 - 不!
什么,如果我们开车前进,我看到一个漂亮的女孩搭便车?
她想上车,有点小动作?而我们还带了修女?
- 我很好,但我没那么好 - 听着,如果我们带走这些修女
我打赌上帝会是我们的副驾驶员
嗯...
- 为什么不? - 哦,J.J.
- 你们可以一起来 - 哦,保佑你,我的孩子
- 哦,J.J.你会在天堂得到你的奖赏的 - 我不想等那么久
- 很时髦的包包,哈? - 这是大斋节的紫色 - 啊,好
我应该告诉你一件事,我们会在车里的时候,会有点拥挤
- 没事吧? - 当然 - 没事
我的米莉发誓要保持贞洁,她总是头痛
好,好,好...
看看这是谁,巴顿将军...和预备将军
赫克尔和杰克装扮成警察,要以流浪罪逮捕他们
- 有什么问题吗,警官? - 你在开玩笑,女士们?
我不妨告诉你一件事,我们在最后一场比赛中试过,穿得像牧师一样
我们没有赢,它帮不了我们也帮不了你
现在,作为一名执法官员我行使我的权利
带走这两位年轻女士,让他们度过一个非常愉快的时光
- 和彻底的身体搜查 - 你真可耻! - 听着
这些是真正的修女,这不是万圣节派对,尊重一点
我厌倦与你同在
你病了
围过来,看看这个,芬德布姆,布莱克,J.J.,维克托...
各位炮弹飞车手,请注意
真主有一天晚上来找我说:
“法拉费,慷慨一点!"
”在霍梅尼得到一切之前把财富分散“
拜托,拜托...重要的是要知道
我个人将捐赠100万美元的奖金给获胜者!
记住黄金法则:拥有黄金的人制定规则
我先走了
- General, will this trip be dangerous? - Oh, I don't think dangerous, Sister.
Maybe exciting, but...
Hello everyone... Good to see you again.
J.J., I shall endeavor to get you the win. Throw the little nuns in the car...
...and let's be off! - Does your friend have an identity problem?
No problem and no time, Sister.
General, you should be in the back. Sister Betty, up front with me.
Boy-nun, boy-nun.
- Isn't he adorable? - I heard that.
The jury's still out on that.
Here is to good luck. May it all be mine!
I don't understand this, Tony.
For the last time: I hit the back of the Arab's car,
push a button, presto. These things clamp onto the bumper.
Then I step on the brakes. We stop, get out of the car,
and snatch him... Now do you understand?
Yeah...
Attention: Smokey in pursuit. - O-oh, trouble.
- Well, do something high-tech. - Smokey... gaining.
Afterburner... ready.
Boy, that's what I call a high-tech!
- Here they come. - Still seems complicated, Tony.
It's a piece of cake. I just speed up and I get to his back bumper.
Here we go. Get ready. Easing up.
Now don't blow it. Just hit the button.
Easing up. Easing up. Now! Now!
- You're not holding the wheel steady, Tony. - Hey, you wanna drive?
Hit it!
- Nothing can separate us now. Nothing! - Nothing!
Maybe it only works on American cars, eh Tony?
Oh, how sweet.
Can I help you, ma'am?
- Aren't we going above the speed limit? - Yes, 110, Sister Betty.
- Oh, this is exciting! - Are you blessing my leg?
Yeah.
Keep blessing, sister!
- We just passed this police car. - That's alright. We pass 'em all the time.
- Sarge, are we doin' 80? - Yeah, we sure are!
- Did they just pass us like we were standing still? - Let me tell you what to do, son.
Buckle up. You're taking part in your first high-speed pursuit and capture!
- It's following us. The police car's following us. - Probably recognized me.
- What? - I mean, it's not my life style.
- I don't... - No, you're fine.
- You're shaking. I'll hold your hand. - Oh, thank you, thank you.
- Oh, they're so warm. - J.J. is the warmest!
- Sister Betty, he has such warm skin! - He has such warm skin?
You should feel the heater up here.
Noticed how I took that last curve? High and wide, straight through the apex.
Pick up about 15 mph more coming out.
- What are you writin'? - The accident report.
Damn!
- Tony, are you sure about this? - Stop complaining!
- Statistics proof flying is safer than driving. - Is that right?
Sideward and rearward maneuvering is accomplished by...
oh, am I mad at you! You told me you could fly this thing.
We almost got killed three times already!
Will you shut up an read the instructions?! Or we'll be killed for the last time!
You're getting me crazy. This thing can not fly by itself!
- We're leveling out! - Alright, so we didn't crash.
- Now, explain to me about the magnet on the helicopter. - Why?
- This scheme is too complicated for me. - The alphabet is too complicated for you!
It's simple: this magnet is powerful enough to pick a Brinks truck right off the street.
Oh, a Brinks truck, huh?
- Here's your sandwich, Your Highness. - You'd better not, Your Royalship.
That salami will kick the shit out of your ulcer!
- Wait, wait. There's the Rolls! - Ha! Good.
- This flyin' is a piece of cake! - Now that we found 'em, what do we do?
Are you kidding? I just sneak up behind 'em. They probably won't even know I'm there.
Then, at the right second: zappo! We snatch 'em.
Oh! Smart!
Why did I ever doubt you Tony? I'm too dumb to question smart people.
This is true.
- Tony, don't you think you're too low? - That's a negative.
- It looks a little low, Tony. - I can see it through the window, okay?
A little bit to the left.
- A little more to the left. - How did you get here? The Tooth Fairy?
- I flew you here, shmuck! - Now, down a little.
Hit the button on the magnet!
I love being a gangster!
We're on like glue. Nothing, nothing could separate us now. Nothing!
- Up, up and away! - Up, up and away.
Listen!
Up, up and awaaay...
- I don't know why it ain't workin'. - Could be the fan belt.
Maybe it don't work on nothin' but Brinks trucks.
Don't worry about it. I'll have it all figured out in a second.
Tony, is your seat belt on?
Hep. Eatin' time! You feed him, and... I'll drive.
No, no, no. It's your turn. You feed him. Come on!
Here you go. Oh...
Son-of-a-bitch! That son-of-a-bitch is crazy! He's got a mental case...
- Corporal. - Yes, sir. - You're driving well. - Thank you, sir.
Sister Betty? You know, I was raised a Catholic and I'm really interested.
Could you tell us more about the Order of the Immaculate Charity?
- Chastity. - Chastity!
He always get those words mixed up.
Well... I think it's time for us to get some sleep.
- Oh sure. Good. - So if you just excuse us, we'd like to have a little privacy. - Sure.
- Go ahead, there's... Just put that... - Good night. - Good night.
Hey, am I crazy? Or are those the friendliest nuns you've ever seen?
- Isn't Sister Betty cute? - Ahh. I'd...
I'd like to jump her bones.
- J.J., bite your tongue! - Can't help it. I'm sorry. - Aren't you ashamed?
- I would! - Oh my goodness! Why would you say such a...
- That's sacrilegious! - These are human beings.
- And I'd be very interested to know how you make out. - Huh?
'Cause I been thinking about getting into Sister Betty's pants.
Oh God, forgive me...
Morning officer! Nice day, isn't it?
- Get out of the road, fat boy, before you get run over. Come on. - Okay.
- Good morning! - Goddamn! A General!
- Now, what seems to be the problem, officer? - We have speed limits in this here state.
- Even in a nuclear emergency? - What emergency?
- We can't talk about it, officer. - Let me see your driver's license. - No!
I have radioactive breath.
- What are you boys trying to pull? - There has been a nuclear meltdown.
We're taking some contaminated material to Connecticut.
Why Connecticut?
They ran out.
Bullshit!
- Hey, uncle Hinky! - Homer! My nephew.
- We'll wait for you, Homer. - Thanks, Sir. - How you're doin', Homer?
- Goddamn, I didn't know you was coming home! - Private!
Yes sir, General!
- What are you doing here, son? - Well, I had a 3-day pass to come home.
- It's the first one I had in two years. - I'm gonna commandeer you
to drive this car to Connecticut. Get in the car, son. - Yes, Sir!
Hold it! Ain't nobody goin' no place till I phoned this here in!
Uncle Hinky, I gotta do what he says. He got more medals than all at the base together.
It don't make no difference. I phone it in anyway.
- Good morning, officer. - Sweet Jesus!
- General, why are we stopping? - I'm sorry, Sister.
I was just explaining to the sheriff the purpose of my mission.
- You carry nuns with you? - In case we don't...
- ...make it, you know? - Oh, really?
There's a higher purpose involved, officer. Only the Lord knows what it is.
The safety of our nation depends on the speed of our mission.
Wow! Praise the Lord!
Well, in that case I'll give you a police escort all the way to the county line.
- Bless you. - Sheriff...
I just want you to know something: America needs your help!
There are two communists disguised as policemen chasing us in a red Corvette.
- Commies! - No shit?
No shit.
Now, don't go arguing with me! I've got it straight from the General!
There are two communists dressed up as policemen in a red Corvette...
...trying to steal our nuclear shit! Shoot 'em!
The fate of the country depends on it, do you hear me?
Headquarters, this is units 2 and 5 eastbound on Highway 10.
- We got those commies in our sights. - Commies?
Now, I been called a lot of things but I ain't never been called no commie.
- I ain't even a Democrat. - You can inform the General they're as good as caught.
The General... General!?
J.J! That son-of-a-bitch!
Good, Blake. But not good enough!
This is 2 and 5 again. We're now westbound on Highway 10.
This is the Captain. I want those two foreigners brought in.
- Dead or alive. - Don't you worry about it.
- You know what I'm gonna do? - What? - I'm gonna turn this car around
and I am gonna block the whole highway sideways.
And when they come they have a choice: either to ditch it
or ram right straight into us!
- Just ditch it or... ram straight into us? - Yeah!
Get outta here with these bananas! I don't want the bananas!
This is humiliating as hell... er... sittin' up here!
Well, it's no picnic being back here! Wacked-out monkey!
Stop it! Well, keep your hands off me, monkey!
- What are you doing up here? - Man, it's safer.
- Well, who's drivin'? - He is.
Would you boys like to stay for dinner? I just made noodle soup.
Note, Blake. General Patton's car.
Is the blimp driving?
No. It's the General.
The General, huh? Ha!
Oh, I'm gonna make a private out of him!
It's money in the bank. A million bucks!
Oh, come on! It'll be a weekend you'll never forget.
- All three of us? - Yep.
It's gonna be a weekend you can tell your kids about... if they're all boys.
Look, you guys thrashed this gull-wing out. I didn't even pay for that one yet.
Listen, baby. We're gonna be as gentle with that car as we're gonna be with you.
Real sound. Come on, what you say?
- Okay. - Alright. - Okay.
The keys are in the car, but hurry back. My friends aren't gonna believe this!
- Know what? You just bring them too. - Really?
Sure. And don't forget your camera.
Really?
- You got a full tank of gas in here? - Please, be careful with it. Please!
(I'll be real gentle)
What do you want, Ching-Chong man?
Help? Gee, there's only a dozen of 'em. By the way, can you split that for me?
Thank you.
I'll be there in a minute!
That was wonderful. You're great. Can you stay for dinner and meet my parents?
That was so great! What's your name?
Hey, we got a race to finish. A million bucks!
He can stay for dinner, too!
Dammit! The race is gonna be over, if they don't get their buns out here soon.
Golly! They changed their clothes.
- You think we've gone too far? - Probably.
Let's go for it.
You know, General? I bet this mission is so secret you had 'em do this
so Russian spies wouldn't recognize 'em.
We got a six-pack and some chilli-dogs for the trip.
I got one for you and one for... "him".
You've adapted to civilian life very well.
Oh my God! Private... Walk this way.
Nuns, huh?
- Get in the car. - Yes, General.
Put that away! You ain't gonna use it!
To your right, Highness. To your right.
As soon as this cable rips up the Rolls...
- ...you grab the money... - I grab the money?
...and I grab the sheik or what's left of 'em...
- ...and we head back to Vegas. - Vegas?!
Prince Falafel! Buy what?
Nimitz? What's a Nimitz?
The U.S.s. Nimitz, ah!
I want to buy it! I want to land my 747s on it!
I don't care what it costs. How much?
- Feelin' better now, aren't you? - I can't hear you! Talk louder!
- I said, you're feeling better now, aren't you?! - Yes, a thousand thanks!
- No problem! Buy! - Bye.
- Tighten it up, they're coming! - I tighten it! - Tighter!
Come. Hurry. Here it comes!
- Well yeah, you get what you pay for. - Oh, dammit!
- What now? - I don't know!
- Well, get out and start smiling. - Yeah, right.
Don't blame me! I didn't do nothin'!
Me neither. I'm just followin' orders.
We were turning about 8 grand when the gages lit up like a pinball machine.
Yeah, so we propped the hood and there's oil leaking.
- Right here. - Does it look bad? - Not from where I'm standing.
- Oh, can you fix it then? - Honey, I got a tool that'll fix anything!
Oh, yeah?
- Hey, sugar? - Yeah? - What have you got under the hood?
Alright. That's a 454, four on the floor.
- Full house, with a blower. - Yeah? - She's a sweetheart, isn't she?
It sure is hot out here, ain't it?
Yeah, it really is.
Why don't you relax, sugar? Everything's gonna be just fine!
I don't think my boss wanted this to do 120 mph.
- Well, it's doin' it! - Come on, listen. Why don't you just take me back and...
My... Just take me back to my boss... Oh jeez, am I gonna get it!
What the heck! It's only a job. Let's go!
And it's gonna be a weekend you'll never forget.
Attention... Smokie in pursuit. Attention... Smokie in...
Battle stations!
- Afterburner. - Roger!
Afterburner ready... 3, 2, 1...
Ignition!
- Turn it off! -??? - Turn it off!
Prepare to crash dive!
We just lost it.
- Look, beer cans! - Underwear?
- Now let's give 'em the oil slick. - Yes, man.
Oil slick... Sorry, fellas.
- We're just doin' our job. - Yes, sorry.
Attention... enemy astern.
- Let's see what's happening. Up the scope. - Okay.
- Quiet, please. - Stand by for depth charge attack.
- Come on. Catch one. Pay attention! - We've been coming here for five years!
- Five years! - Without a fish. - A big one's out there for you, boys. - You're sure?
Darn right! I saw him jump the other day. I took a picture, while it was in the air.
Picture weighed 13 and a half pounds!
I really don't like this guy!
Forward all engines.
Come on, just pay attention to what you're doing.
All ahead full.
- Let him go! - No!
We've caught ourselves a Moby Dick!
God damn, we're going with him!
- And you haven't seen your family in 2 years? - No, but I'm not complaining. Duty calls.
- General? - What? - How long do you think the national emergency
will require the services of Pvt. Lyle here, Sir?
- I don't know. - He hasn't seen his family in 2 years.
- J.J., that is not nice. Truly isn't. - A General's work is never done.
- Private. - Yes, Sir. - I've checked the Geiger counter
and the radioactivity seems to be dropping. I don't think we need your services anymore.
- Yes, sir. - Pull over. - Yes, sir.
Pvt. Lyle, you've rendered a great service to this country.
You make me proud to be in the same army with a man with your character.
I'd like to present you with the Congressional Medal of Honor.
- This Congressional Medal of Honor? - That Congressional Medal of Honor.
- That's French. - I know.
General, for the last 20 years while I was working in the motor pool
I always knew the Good Lord's gonna give me a chance to come on a special mission
like this, to serve my country.
Bye, Lyle.
- And that's all you have to do, honey. - Boy, am I sick!
- I ain't never gonna fly with you again! - Will you shut up and read the instructs
and tell me what it says about landing this thing?
It says: lower the flaps. - Okay, then do it, quickly!
- Where are they? - Under "F", you idiot!
Well, let's see. There's a "T" for tabs. Is that any good?
- Fantastic! Pull it! - Pull what? - Anything, dummy! - Okay, Tony!
To look sharp...
To feel sharp...
I like this song so much, I bought the company.
I don't know why everybody makes such a big deal about flying. It's a piece of cake.
This better work, Tony. I just called Don Don, and he's really mad.
Caesar, Caesar...
Simplicity is the hallmark of genius. This cannot miss.
Yeah?
Relax, alright?
Damn ulcer's killing me. You got anything for it?
Charlotte Russe. How delightful.
Not exactly the Maxim's, but my compliments to the chef.
A thousand pardons!
I couldn't help noticing. Obviously you are a damsel in distress.
May I be of service to you? I am the great Prince Abdul-Ben Falafel,
master of all deserts, Prince of princes,
- and one of the world's biggest... - Yoyos.
How dare you put a gun to my head!
As I was saying, do you come here often?
I wish you guys would have seen us change in the bathroom, making this decision.
Know, what she wanted to do? To put the nun's habit on and the shorts underneath.
- And she thought you wouldn't notice. - I will notice.
Well, I just didn't want you to be upset when you found out I wasn't a nun.
You're not?
- I'm not even a Catholic. - Well, nobody's perfect.
- May I? - Oh, I been waitin' for this.
- Sure hate to give the chauffeur a ticket. - Yeah, it's always the jerk in back
- giving the orders. - Yeah.
Pardon me, Sir, we're...
- You know what that is, back there? - Damn right! It's a chimp!
Listen to me. See that dark glass? Don't look!
You know who's behind that glass filming us?
Allen Funt. We're on "Candid Camera"!
Come on, it's our chance! Come on!
Stand right here so they can see you. Stand right here.
Pardon me, Sir. I'd like to see your license...
Oh God, I wonder what the penalty is for assaulting a police officer.
He's not gonna make a monkey out of me!
You're okay? Don't make him mad!
I'm gonna say hello to my mom. I just wondered if I could say hello to my mother?
This is working great. Let's go sing. Come on, before they go.
By the light of the silvery moon...
Let's get the hell outta here!
- Hey, Mr. Funt! Aren't we supposed to sign a release? - Oh, shut up!
Oh, listen! Look! Hold it! Look, Cannonballers ahead of us!
Alright, what the hell happened?
Hm, Sir. I was eating my dessert when suddenly I saw one of the cat people.
- Beautiful body was... - Now, we have a slight problem.
Two hoods. They parted with the Sheik and the money.
- How that happen? - She was hitchhiking in a leopard coat and as we approached
she flashed and we stopped.
He's right. Who else knew the million was in the sheik's trunk?
- I think you two guys have got something to tell us, right? - Right.
J.J, let me explain to you as briefly as I can.
Here's what happened. We owed the guys in Vegas a little chump change. Nothing really.
So they sent down some torpedoes to collect.
- And you told 'em about the Sheik. - It was tell 'em or else.
- Who were these guys? - The Cannelloni family from Las Vegas.
- Well, hell. Let's just go get these guys. - We can't just go get these guys!
Why? - They hold up at the Pinto Ranch, and that's guarded like Fort Knox.
Wait a minute. Maybe "him" can get through.
Maybe "him" can get "himself" killed and take you with "him".
- "Him" is open for other suggestions. - What's happening? What's going on here?
Gaped at her naked body glistening in the hot sun and her sweet sweat rolling down...
Hey, wait a minute. We'll go to the King.
No, no. The sheik's father hates him.
Hey, he's not the only king. We have royalty in this country, too.
He'll see you guys.
Sit on this.
- How did you enjoy the Halloween party? - What a guy he is. - What a guy!
- Alright. How much this time? - Frank, you know. It's never for ourselves.
- Not this time, Frank. - And who asked you to sit down? Get up!
- Mr. Sinatra... - You may call me Frank.
- I can call him Frank. - Not yet.
I'll let you know when you can. Not exactly now, but I'll let you know.
- What can I call you? - Call me sir.
- Call him Sir. - I got it. Sir... We are Cannonballers.
- What? - Cannonballers.
Oh, wait a minute...
I've been lonely as much as you have, from time to time.
- Come on. - That's a hot one, Your Majesty. Sir.
You see, the Cannonball is a race from California to Connecticut.
- We have lots of fun. But the Sheik... - Sheik? - Yes.
- With the blue Rolls Royce. - Who is he? Did I ever sing for him in London, you think?
We can't even pronounce his name. You see, they kidnapped him
and they took $1 million out of the trunk of his car. That's why we came to you.
- Why come to me? Why don't you go to the FBI? - Who taught the FBI?
Okay, alright. Who snatched him?
Oh, the Cannellonis.
I got an idea.
I got a trio that I use in my act and this bum's been trying to steal it for months.
Dorothy, get me Don Don.
They must be terrific for Frank to recommend them personally.
I guarantee you have never seen anything like this in your whole...
I'm not saying this, just because I'm their agent.
You know, I just love auditioning new talent. I get all excited.
- Come on, what's the matter? - They are a little short on looks.
But didn't you notice the nice unison? The way they dance?
They're fabulous.
Frank ain't no dummy. I can't sing...
...but even I can follow that act.
Thank you.
Girls, you're hired! You're hired, girls! You're hired!
You all have life... lifetime contracts here at the Pinto Ranch.
I'll just have to move someplace else... Now, girls!
Lovely. Go to your dressing rooms and powder your noses... a lot!
Absolutely wonderful. Frank certainly knows his stuff! Just wonderful.
Bad news.
- Oh, girls. How do you spell Laverne? Is that one word or two? - Two. - Three.
Oh, Hymie, what a pleasant surprise!
Uh, what a pleasant surprise...
Hey! I said I'd be here in 24 hours. Therefore...
...it ain't no surprise. And it ain't gonna be pleasant either. May I?
Oh my God...
- What are these three bow-wows? - It's our new lounge act.
What do they do? Scare the audience to death? ...That's funny!
Mr. Hymie?
- You girls ever hear of Nair? - We're working on it. - Huh?
Our doctor has us on hormones.
Well, I suggest you go for a second opinion, because I think he's over-prescribing.
Hi, I'm Laverne.
Get me those hormones.
Alright, Dumb-Dumb. Where's my nine large?
One million dollars, Hymie. And the rest is in escrow
in a bank in downtown Las Vegas.
I'm gonna consider this interest only, alright?
Now, you have the principal by tomorrow, or you'll be under downtown Las Vegas.
- Girls... so long. - Bye, Mr. Hymie.
Excuse me... You have a Ladies' restroom?
- Yes, it says "Cowgirls". It's the second door on the left. - On the left.
Now, this is a lifetime contract, as I said. I presume they'll have their own wardrobe?
- Tits up! - Alright.
- Mr. Hymie! - That Laverne comes near me, waste her!
We were just wondering if you could give us a little advice on our careers.
Oh, yeah! Get out of show business.
Now!
We got the money!
Hide! Somebody's coming!
- Your purses. - Oh, good. We got the money! - Oh, let's go! - No, no!
- We gotta safe the Sheik! - Come on. - Alright.
Hi, I was wondering if you gentlemen will be kind enough to help me with my luggage?
Man, those three broads got a case of the uglies.
Let the boss not hear you say that.
It's torture, I tell you. Torture! Please. Please!
- Hey, it's got a lock on it. - Break it down. - Come on.
Ladies, at one, two, three!
More Ladies! My beauties, you must wait your turn.
There is only so much water in the fountain.
- Sheik, it's us! - We're not girls! - How dare you?
It is out of the question! Allah will only forgive so much!
- Hey Abdul, put your slipper's on. Let's get outta here. - I don't want to go!
- I've tried everything, but... - Get me out of this. - This is something.
- Can I take this with me? - Okay with me. Come, tickle!
- I'm terribly sorry. - Now, listen to me. If these three uglies get away with my million
Dumb-Dumb, then your father's gonna owe me a big favor. You know why?
No. - Because I'm gonna kill you. And then...
...he's gonna kill you. And then he's gonna kill you.
- And then he's gonna kill you! - Charmed. There's no need to worry, Hymie.
You see, they cannot escape. There's no way out of here.
You are totally secure!
However, I'm very shaky.
- Open! - Oh, shit! You got the key?
- Maybe. - You ungrateful putz! - Hold it!
The three little pigs!
Get me somebody to hide behind!
This is it, boys. Remember the rules...
- No rules! - You heard him. Absolutely no rules!
I told you, there's nothing to worry about. There won't be any witnesses.
No witnesses?
J.J., they're all around us. I...
- My money or your life. - Money!
- He's got the money. - Ha... He's got the money.
J.J.
Hey, did you see that picture where the bad guys get their last request?
- Yeah. - Well, some time on the late show. - It was really a good movie.
A last meal perhaps? You could lay a little BBQ on us.
You know, something that you would go over the coals with?
I'll have some quiche. And a little chocolate mousse.
Er, Shish kebab... No, no. Couscous.
Friggin' chickasee?
Chicken fricasse...
- And you? - I'd like a wine list.
Where I'm sending you, baby, everything's on the menu.
We're saved!
Hey, reminds me of Brooklyn!
Hi there!
Surprise!
You too!
Any questions, boys?
- Do you mind a personal remark? - No, of course not!
That is absolutely gorgeous!
Hey, one's getting away!
- I got him. - I'll guard your back. Be careful and watch out!
No problem. I'll be right back!
You're okay? Must be a pretty tough guy up there.
- Maybe I should take care of this one. - He's all yours.
I think, he's over his head this time.
- Hey! You look like an athlete. - Wow, thank you. I was an athlete.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah, I was...
- Oh, then you can probably handle yourself. - You're in danger. - I'll protect you, Sister.
Four, five, six, seven...
Next!
Oh, don't do that to me again. This is just beautiful!
- That's European, isn't it? - But of course. - Absolutely stunning!
That's enough. That's enough!
- A thousand thanks, Sisters! - Bless you, my friend.
Over there! Yeah!
Come on, you brat. You pervert!
Hey, how do you like this for a hose job?
Oh yeah? Salute!
- Hello, Chaos! - Look J.J., a flower! Nice, huh?
See ya!
And I figured that 30,000 we owe you... This will more than take care of it.
- May I buy you a drink? - Yes. - Cherie!
Cherie!? I guess everyone... They seem to be so busy!
That was fun, J.J!
- Get those guys! - You got it.
Fly, baby! Fly!
Help is on the way! Justice will triumph!
Sorry, bad guys! Carry on.
- Raining like a son-of-a-bitch over there. You need any help here? - Yes. Inject that.
Fine. Oh, the plague! I've seen this before...
No, Jackie! J.J... Cannonball... You got it!
- Friend or foe? - Have a guess!
- It's a bird. - It's a plane. - It's Hymie!
Would you hold this for me, please? I would like to really...
...get a good look at that ring again. It's truly lovely.
Oh my God...
oh, look...
- J.J., it's a vision. - No... No, it's us.
Oh, Sister Betty.
- "Him" didn't know you had that in you. - "Him" will.
We're here to help you win!
- Did you miss me? - So much... - Oh thanks. A little more than that?
I'm glad you missed me that much!
All these wonderful gals!
Fenderbaum!
Boy-nun, boy-boy, boy-nun.
Fenderbaum! What are you doing with my partner?
- Partner? - Partner?
Yes! I have bought the Pinto Ranch!
Yes!
And why not? I have a weakness for blondes...
...and women without mustaches.
Before you do any hiring you tell your partner about your liabilities.
You know, you have a very big mouth!
- My sheik! - My partner!
My Sheik, I will need just a little operating capital.
How much?
- Nine million dollars? - Nine million?
A drop in the well! I will give you 18 million.
- That way you will have some petty cash! - Thank you, my sheik. Where are you going?
To win the race!
To share in my good fortune with my fellow Cannonballers
I have decided to raise the prize money to two million dollars!
- How many zeros is in that? - I don't know!
- We'll split it three ways? - Yeah! - Come, my sweethearts, we go!
Hey, Fenderbaum, Blake! Come here a minute!
What is it, Frank? Can't you see we're busy?
I know that. That's why I want to get a head start. See you in Connecticut.
Oh, so sorry. You are average player. Please try again later.
You gotta have to stop this thing. I can't examine you with all this movin' around.
I can't stop! I can't stop! Just keep me alive until we reach Connecticut!
So much for Abdul...
It's money in the bank, I tell you. A million bucks!
The whole of a million bucks apiece!
- That's Frank. - Where'd he learn to drive like that?
I don't know, but don't let him pass us!
- Floor it! - It's floored!
Hi Frank, chicky-lover baby! Hi there!
Remember me, Fenderbaum? Listen, whoever gets to the finish line first
we split it 50/50, okay?
70/30
How about 10%?
Forget it.
Forget it, guys! You're four hours and 15 martinis late!
Better go in the bar and get gassed up, 'cause you're racing back tomorrow...
- ...at noon! - Park it. I'll see you in the bar.
Thanks. We'll leave tomorrow and we'll be back in four days.
Then Atlantic City and a weekend you'll never forget.
Once again you have brought shame and disgrace to our tribe
by not winning the Cannonball Run. - But Pop, there was this doctor in the car.
- He gave me a... It was kismet. - I warn you!
Tomorrow's race is the last Cannonball I am financing.
If you do not win, do not bother to come home.
Pop, don't worry. I can't lose!
I have hired the winner of this Cannonball to be my co-driver in the next one.
I'd like you to meet him. I have told him so much about you, Pop.
Excuse me, Sir. I'd like you to meet my Pop!
The Cannonball is a race from California to Connecticut. We have lots of fun.
And then... The Sheik... What they...
I can get this. Just a minute. I can do it. Wait a minute.
- And... - We'll start from the slap. - From the slap?
Sir! Er...
Just pick it up right from the slap.
Sir!
Sorry, we get this in a minute. It's alright. We get it. Here we go.
Oh, Sir! The Cannonball is a race
from Connecticut to your ass.
Now, if your mother could kiss like that...
We're just gonna place it. Ready? Huh?
Is that what you want? You got it.
- Okay? - I don't trust you. - No, you got it, I swear. I'm just gonna place it.
Oh shit, if I wasn't getting a lot of money...
- Don't get it from the ground. - Where might I gonna get it from?
Get it from here. This is fresh.
- There'll be a mound here. - I got fresh stuff here.
Nobody's ever peed on this. I'm just gonna place it.
How animals live on this shit?
Listen, if we have these nuns God will be our co-pilot.
I don't care. You listen to me. Listen to me.
We're not taking those nuns along.
What is the matter with you? I can't work like this!
- She's winking at me. - Hold there. - She's to wave.
- Alright. - I have no protection. She is... Godammit... - Pick it up.
- Lepers? New York? - No: "Lepers? Big Apple?"
I order you...
- J.J! Long time no see. - Captain Chaos, nice to see you again.
- Would you do it again? - Yeah, certainly. - Here we go.
Keep it rollin'. Here we go.
- J.J! - Captain Chaos! - Long time no see. - Good to see you again.
- Good to see you! - Listen, I'd deem it a personal pruverage... privilege,
if I can get in that bomb and get my teeth fixed. Turn around, let's start again.
- J.J! - Captain Chaos. - Long time no see. - Good to see you again.
I'd deem it a privilege you let me ride in the bomb.
Did you understand that at all? Just turn around and let me do it again.
Listen, isn't somebody gonna say "Cut"?