嗨，我可以再来一杯吗？ Hey, can I get another drink down here?
我曾经蹲过一次监狱 WILLIE: I've been to prison once.
我曾经结过两次婚 I've been married twice.
林顿.约翰逊还招我入伍 I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live
在他妈的墨西哥莫名其妙的呆了两年半 in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason.
眼睛被人打了,还丢了一个肾 I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out,
脚踝里断了根骨头,永远不会好了 and I got a bone chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal.
我碰到过许多人生的黑暗 I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life.
但是没有比这次更糟糕的 But nothing has ever sucked more ass than this.
如果早知道要忍受这些吵闹的小家伙 If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats
一年里要烦我整整30天 pissing on my lap for 30 days out of the year,
我早就自杀了 I would have killed myself a long time ago.
想想吧,我可能还是会的 Come to think of it, I still might.
我的家乡从不庆祝圣诞节 Where I come from, we didn't celebrate Christmas.
不是因为我们是犹太人,因为我父亲 Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad
是个懦弱无用的混蛋,他给我的礼物 was a worthless-coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present
无非是每天揍我后脑勺 was a daily punch to the back of the head.
虽然他也教过我怎么撬保险箱 He did teach me how to crack a safe, though.
我父亲的生活一团糟,所以总是朝我发泄 My dad never did shit with his life, so he took it out on me.
你可能会说我也一样,我想你没错 You could say I'm no different. I'd have to say you were right.
只是此刻重新开始已经太迟了 But at this point, it's too late to start over.
世界真奇妙 Funny how things work out.
太他妈的有趣了 It's fucking hilarious.
[ Vomits, coughs ]
片名: 圣诞坏公公
圣诞老人在那里,看呀 There's Santa Claus. Look there.
噢! Wow.
哦,这照片太棒了 Oh, my. What a darling photo.
你真的只要一张吗? Are you certain you only want the single?
多印两张是给祖父祖母最好的礼物 Additional photos come in handy as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa
或者给朋友留作纪念 or as a wonderful remembrance for friends.
嗯,你知道吗? Gee. You know what?
这张已经足够了 This one, I think it's more than enough.
谢谢,圣诞快乐 Thanks. Merry Christmas.
你要什么,小姑娘? So, what do you want, little girl?
一套爵士鼓 A drum set.
哦,真是不错 Oh, the old man will love that.
好的,待会见 Okay. Fine. See you later.
我在另外一个商场里见过你 I saw you at another mall.
嗯,我为你感到高兴 Well, I'm very happy for you.
你不是个真的圣诞老人 You're not really Santa.
如果你是的话就应该会变魔术 If you were Santa, you could do magic.
你想看魔术吗? You want to see some magic?
来,看我让你消失吧 Here. Let's watch you disappear.
看着孩子,圣诞老人要去方便了 Watch the bladder, kid. Santa's got to pee.
-你想要什么? -一辆自行车 -What do you want? -A new bike.
哦,要一辆新的,真不错 Wow. That's a new one. Excellent.
顾客们请注意 MAN: Attention, shoppers.
离关门还有5分钟 The store will be closing in five minutes.
我们希望大家明天过一个开心的圣诞节 We hope tomorrow is a pleasant Christmas.
谢谢大家光临 Thank you for shopping with us.
-都结束了吗? -对,这是最后一个了 -ls that it? -Yeah, that's the last one.
感谢他妈的上帝 Thank the fuck Christ.
耶稣,圣母和耶和华 Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph.
你尿裤子了? You pissed yourself.
哦,上帝 Aw, Jesus.
好的 Yeah, all right.
好 Yeah.
嗨,节日快乐 Hey, happy holidays. All right.
圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas.
节日快乐 Happy holidays.
喝杯咖啡吧 Get home safe.
嗯,好的 Yeah, okay.
我不管他怎么说 I don't care what he says.
-我们要去喝酒了 -怎么回事? -We're going out for a beer. -What the fuck?
我马上再联系你 I'll get right back to you.
你到底怎么回事? 我真他妈要回家 What the hell's wrong with you? I'm trying to fucking leave.
你的裤子那么脏 Pants are awful baggy.
里面有什么东西? You got anything in there?
嗯,我的那玩意,你想看看? Yeah. My dick. You want to see it?
再狠一点呀 Keep pushing me.
我看着你 I got my eyes on you.
一直看着 All the time.
准备好了 Ready.
上帝 Jesus.
-干的怎么样? -好了自然会告诉你 -How's it going? -I'm finished when I'm finished.
我回楼上了 I'm going back upstairs.
我需要一个西瓜模子和一根丝瓜筋 I need a melon baller and a loofah.
搞定 Got it.
去它的丝瓜筋,我们可以快走了 Fuck the loofah. Let's go.
马科斯,你拿到丝瓜筋了吗? Marcus, you get the loofah?
开车 Drive.
哦! Oh!
# Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock #
# Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time #
哦,我头晕了,把我放下吧 Oh, I'm dizzy. Put me down.
嗨,放我下来 Hey, put me down.
快!放我下来 Come on! Put me down.
哦,快点 Oh, come on.
哦 Oh, man.
嗨,宝贝,再来两杯,怎么样? Hey, baby, two more of these, all right?
不,我已经够了 No. That's it for me.
不喝酒不是男人,你懂吗? You can't drink worth a shit, you know that?
我已经92磅了,蠢货 I weigh 92 pounds, you dick.
来吧,庆祝一下 Come on. One more. It's a celebration.
为你干杯 Here's to you.
# To have the blues #
# My baby's gone #
你水平越来越差了,你知道吗? You're getting worse, you know that?
至少我还是撬开了 Well, at least I got it open.
那么长时间 It took you long enough.
我记得你以前撬锁如探囊取物 I remember when you could unlock a lock like it was nothing.
嗯,你再也不用为我担心了 Yeah, well, you don't have to worry about me anymore.
我洗手不干了 I'm out.
胡扯 Bullshit.
谁他妈胡扯 Bullshit, my ass.
我们才赚了$111,000 We just made $1 1 1,000 in one night.
没错,我有足够的钱去迈阿密了 Exactly. I figure I got enough to go to Miami.
去干吗? And do what?
我不知道,买辆车 I don't know. Shit. Get a car.
买幢房子,可能 Get a place, maybe.
可能做点生意,开个海滩酒吧 Maybe start a business. A bar out on the beach.
就像这样 Something like that.
我会戒酒,专心做生意 I could quit drinking and run the place.
可能娶个招待小姐 Maybe marry a waitress.
怎么? What?
去那里你他妈什么都做不成 You ain't gonna do shit except go down there
只会喝个酩酊大醉 and drink your fucking ass off.
输的一无所有 You're gonna piss everything away
最后盼着下个圣诞节的到来 and end up counting the days till next Christmas.
你希望我那样,是吗? You'd like that, wouldn't you?
但是不会这样的 Well, it ain't gonna happen.
如果我明年12月给你打电话... If I call you next December --
"如果"我明年12月给你打电话... if I call you next December --
你一定会非常高兴 you're gonna be so happy to hear from me
马上回来这里 you're gonna do a goddamn backflip.
你一定会穿上圣诞老人的衣服 You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast
还迅速带上帽子 that you're gonna get fucking hat-burn.
你们还要再来两杯吗? Can I get you guys two more?
不用了,谢谢.我们够了 No, thanks. We're all right.
看到吗? See?
我已经开始行动了 I'm already on the wagon.
嗨,混蛋! Hey. Asshole!
我要警告你多少次? How many times I got to tell you?
滚出我的酒吧 Get out from behind my bar!
快把酒放下 Put the drink down right now.
快把酒放下! Put the drink down right now!
哦, 滚你妈的 Ahh. Fuck you.
-嗯? -没错 -Fuck me, huh? -Right.
哦,嗨! WOMAN: Oh. Hey!
噢! Ow!
滚出我的酒吧! Get the fuck out of my bar.
去你的! Fuck you!
你他妈疯了 You're fucking crazy.
蠢货 Fucking prick.
混蛋! Asshole!
你他妈滚远点! Get the fuck out of here right now!
[ Snoring ]
[ Alarm buzzing ]
# Have a holly jolly Christmas #
# And in case you didn't hear #
# Oh, by golly, have a holly jolly -- #
他妈的! Fucking shit!
去你妈的! Fuck you!
[ Car alarm deactivates ]
[ Keys jingle, drop ]
宝贝 Yeah, baby.
嗨,蒂凡妮,想玩捉迷藏吗? Hey, Tiffany, you want to play "Hide the Nazi" one day?
[ Chuckles ]
可恶 God damn it.
这是你的,亲爱的 Here you go, sweetie.
我有东西要给你,小宝贝 I got something for your pretty ass.
-真的吗? -没错 -You do? -Yeah.
哇,$5 Wow. $5.
谢谢 Thanks.
我要听一下留言,你快去洗澡 I gotta listen to my messages, and you need to take a shower.
我是个跳舞的,当然会出汗 I'm a dancer. I sweat.
嗯,你闻上去像个臭要饭的 Yeah, well, you smell like a bum's nut sac.
去你的! Fuck you.
消息1 [ Beep ] Message one.
索克先生? MAN: Mr. Soke?
还是我,安德鲁.卡普兰,讨债公司的 This is Andrew Kaplan again, from the collection agency.
消息2 [ Beep ] Message two.
我是德洛丽丝.艾克思罗德 WOMAN: This is Dolores Axelrod.
你上个星期撞了我的车子 You ran into my car last week.
我打电话给国营农场 I called State Farm,
他们说没有你保险的记录 but they have no record of any insurance policy for you.
如果你有问题,我的电话是4... In case you misplaced it, my phone number is 4 --
消息3 [ Beep ] Message three.
维力,我是马科斯,又到时候了 Willie, it's Marcus. It's that time of year again.
快准备好,来菲尼克斯 Pack your shit. Phoenix.
# Oh, the weather outside is frightful #
亚利桑那州,菲尼克斯 几天后
# But the fire is so delightful #
# And since we've no place to go #
# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow #
# Man, it doesn't show signs of stopping #
# And I brought me some corn for popping #
# The lights are turned way down low #
# Let it snow, let it snow #
[ Car alarm blaring ]
我的上帝 Jesus Christ!
你难道安静10分钟都不行吗? Can you maybe keep it together for just 1 0 minutes?
哈里森,请听我解释 Harrison, just let me explain, please. Financially --
你已经得到应得的了,奇普思卡 Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska.
我在这里做了5个圣诞了 Five Christmases I've been here.
现在你就这样赶我走了 You flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts
就因为那个家伙带着个真正的侏儒? and who happens to work with a real midget.
谁会在乎那个? 没有人会在乎精灵的 Nobody cares. Nobody comes here for the elf.
圣诞老人才是重点 Santa's the attraction.
我会唱歌 I do Burl lves songs.
这家伙大概吉他都不会弹? Does this schmo even play guitar?
听着,哈里森,这与报酬和侏儒都没关系 Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget.
相信我,如果真是这样 Believe me, if it was, I --
我想没有人喜欢看"侏儒" I don't think they like "midget."
我想你该叫他们... I think you're supposed to call them...
哦,得了吧 Oh, just forget it.
老家伙! Hacks!
嗨 Hi.
鲍勃.奇普思卡 欢迎光临 Bob Chipeska. Welcome.
你的照片和简历真棒 Great photo and resume, by the way.
谢谢 Thanks.
我们干这行已经很久了 We've been at this a long time and all.
我们干的很不错 We'd like to think we do a good job.
我很高兴你们那么快就赶来 I'm so glad you guys could come in on such short notice.
我想说,你给我留下了很深的映象 [ Voices fading ] I must say, your look is just sensational.
谢谢 MARCUS: Thanks.
我们很有经验,你什么都别担心 We've been at this for years. You got nothing to worry about.
你们两个太适合这个工作了,真的 You two are the best men for this job, truly.
别因为这个影响你们的表演 So don't let his unpleasantness affect your performance.
-哦,不会的,我们不怕 -表演? -Oh, no. We're fine. -Performance?
嗯,对,你们的表演. Yes. Uh, your performance. You know, the, um...
表演?你指性表演? Performance, like sexual?
-什么? -维力 -Excuse me? -Willie.
你是不是说我的发动机有问题? Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear?
你是不是这么说的? Is that what you're saying?
-我很抱歉,发动机? -维力 -I'm sorry. Your gear? -Willie.
我的做爱工具! My fuck stick.
嗨,维力,坐下来 Hey, Willie. Take a seat.
你知道你的血糖有多高了吗 You know how your blood sugar is.
他绝不能在孩子面前说"做爱工具"! He's not going to say "fuck stick" in front of the children?
不,不,不 开个玩笑 No, no, no. It's a joke.
成人之间的成人笑话 An adult joke for us adults.
开个玩笑,只是个笑话而已 It's a joke. Just a joke.
"做爱工具"? "Fuck stick"?
嗯,我也觉得很奇怪 Yes. I thought it was very strange, too.
做为安全主管 So, as our security chief,
我要你留心一下 I wanted you to be aware.
但是他的小朋友保证他不会 But his little friend promised he wouldn't say it
在孩子面前说的,这样还好 in front of the children, which is fine.
因为,有成人的世界 Because, you know, there is an adult world
孩子的世界,这样没问题 and a child's world, and that's okay.
我不是个检查员 I'm no censor.
"小朋友"? "Little friend"?
对,他是个小矮人 Yes, he happens to be a dwarf.
侏儒 Or midget.
我不知道怎么称呼他 I don't know what he's called exactly.
他是个小家伙 But, uh, he's a little guy.
想比利.巴蒂那样 Little Billy Barty. God rest.
不过手指很细 But thin fingers.
不是那种香肠手 Not the fat sausage fingers.
"小人国"那样的 "Little people." That's what they like.
对,没错,小人国 Yes. Uh, right. Little people.
只是说了"做爱工具"? So "fuck stick." That's it?
对 Yeah. [ Clears throat ]
圣诞快乐!圣诞老人来了,耶! Merry Christmas! Santa's coming. Yay!
圣诞快乐! Merry Christmas!
你看到新来的圣诞老人了吗? Have you seen that new Santa they just hired?
嗯,他在后面醉趴下了 Yeah. He's back there drunk.
他会来的,圣诞老人马上就来了 He's coming, guys. Santa will be here real soon.
[ Snoring ]
混蛋! God damn it!
你他妈在干什么? 你搞砸了,我们要没钱了 What the fuck you doing? You blow this, and we're broke.
别再趾高气扬了 So stop acting like you know something.
你狗屁都不懂 'Cause, pal of mine, you don't know squat!
戴上帽子出去 Now, put on your hat and get out there.
好好表演吧,看在上帝的份上 And try to act professional, for Christ's sakes.
你想要什么? WlLLlE: What do you want?
什么? What?
快走 Get out of here.
下一个 Next.
哦,很好 你想要什么? Oh, good. What do you want?
你想要什么? 你在干什么? What do you want? What are you doing?
[ Sneezes ]
小混蛋! God damn it!
任天堂的猎鹿人3 Nintendo Deer Hunter 3.
我他妈什么都不会给你 I don't give a shit what you want.
吐人一脸唾沫还开口 Blowing snot all over everybody and fucking whatever.
下一个,快来 Next. Come on.
你想要什么? What do you want?
-嗯,圣诞老人? -对,我是圣诞老人 -Um, Santa? -Yeah, I'm Santa.
快说,你想要什么? Come on. What do you want?
-嗯,芭比娃娃 -说"茄子" -Um, Barbie. -Say cheese.
好的,芭比娃娃 Okay. Fine. Barbie.
哦,谢谢 Oh, thank you.
哦,当心我的脚趾甲,孩子! 妈的! Ow! Watch the toenails, kid! Shit.
下一个 Next.
下一个! Next!
你想要什么? What do you want?
法格棒小汽车 Fraggle-Stick car.
这他妈是什么东西? What the fuck is that?
法格棒小汽车 Fraggle-Stick car.
好,我知道了 法格棒小汽车,不错 Well, I heard you. Fraggle-Stick car. Fine.
嗨,去看看那个蠢货 Hey, check out this loser.
嗨,胖子,你今天怎么样? Hey, fat-ass. How you doing today?
嗨,蠢货 Hey, loser.
嗨,笨蛋 Hey, dipshit.
呆子 Moron.
嗨,蠢货,你今天怎么样? Hey, loser. How you doing today?
哑巴,怎么不回头? Dumb-ass, why don't you turn around?
知道吗?去他妈的 You know what? Fuck this.
你是下一个 You're next.
下一个 WlLLlE: Next.
我说了下一个,这里可不是汽车管理局,懂吗? I said next, God damn it. This is not the DMV, all right?
动作快点 Move it along.
你叫什么名字?你可以告诉我 What's your name? You can tell me.
我明白了,告诉圣诞老人怎么样? I know. How about Santa?
如果你不告诉他,就得不到礼物 If you don't tell him, you won't get a present.
好的 That's right.
过来,告诉圣诞老人一切吧 Come on and tell Santa all about it.
你想要什么? What do you want?
快说,你想要什么? Well, come on. What do you want?
擦鼻涕的布头? A snot-rag?
真好,又一个先天痴呆 Great. Another fucking Mongoloid.
马科斯,把这孩子拉开,省得他尿在我身上 Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me.
别他妈碰我的胡子 Don't fuck with my beard.
这不是真的 It's not real.
没错 No shit.
以前是真的 Well, it was real.
但是我生病了,胡子都掉光了 But, you see, I got sick and all the hair fell out.
你怎么会生病的? How did you get sick?
我爱上了一个生病的女人 I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
圣诞婆婆? Mrs. Santa?
不,是她的妹妹 No. It was her sister.
北极是什么样子的? What's it like at the North Pole?
就像郊区 Like the suburbs.
哪个郊区? Which one?
阿帕奇区 Apache Junction.
这管你屁事?现在滚吧 What the fuck do you care? Now, get off my lap.
你坐在这里就像一个呆子 You sit there like a fucking retard.
你真的是圣诞老人,对吗? You are really Santa, right?
不,我是个会计师 No. I'm an accountant.
我穿上这个时装表演,明白了吗? I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, all right?
嗯 Okay.
马科斯,把这小家伙赶走,他太讨厌了 Get this kid out of here. He's freaking me out.
我要去喝几杯,明天见 I got to get a drink on. I'll see you tomorrow.
不要又满身酒臭来上班 Just don't come into work stinking of booze again.
嗯,你怎么不去? Yeah. Why don't you get going?
又去参加你那个"奥兹男巫"糖果协会? You'll be late for your "Wizard of Oz" Candy Bar Guild.
是棒棒糖协会,你个蠢货 上帝! Lollipop Guild, you asshole. Jesus!
2岁孩子都比你了解我 Two-year-olds flip me shit better than you.
你在和我说话吗? You saying something to me?
对,我想一拳揍你的屁股 Yeah. I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass.
# Jingle bells, jingle bells #
# Jingle all the way #
# Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh #
# Jingle bells, jingle bells #
# Jingle all the way #
# Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh #
# Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh #
# O'er the fields we go, laughing all the way #
# Bells on bobtail ring, making spirits bright #
怎么? What?
# What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight #
# Jingle bells, jingle bells #
嗯 Mmm.
再来一杯,圣诞公公? Another Grand-Dad, Santa?
嗯 Yeah.
嗯? Yeah? [ Chuckles ]
# Jingle bells, jingle bells #
# Jingle all the way #
# Oh, what fun it is to ride #
怎么称呼? Got a name?
嗯 Yeah.
你平时做什么... So, what do you do, you know...
我是说节日过后 After the holidays, I mean.
嗯,3月前没什么事情,然后去做复活节兔子 Well, nothing till March, and then I'm the Easter Bunny.
哦,再来一杯? Oh. Another?
嗯,当然 Yeah. Why not?
圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas.
不太爱说话 Not a big talker.
嗯,的确如此 No, not really.
-我敬你一杯 -好啊 -Buy you one? -Why not?
新年快乐 Happy New Year.
你真是个普通的圣诞公公 You're pretty regular for a Santa.
这他妈没什么了不起的... It's not that big a fucking deal.
就是个工作,你明白我的意思吗? It's just a job, you know what I mean?
我是个吃喝拉撒的圣诞老人 I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus.
让我瞧瞧 Prove it.
上我,圣诞老人 上我,圣诞老人 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa.
上我,圣诞老人,上我,圣诞老人 上我,圣诞老人,上我,圣诞老人 Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa.
上我,圣诞老人 上我,圣诞老人! Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa!
能不能把帽子脱下来啊? Can't I at least take this hat off?
我喜欢这帽子 [ Laughing ] No. I love the hat.
好吧 [ Moans ] Okay.
哇! Whoo! [ Breathing heavily ]
我一直仰慕圣诞老人 I've always had a thing for Santa Claus.
不知道你注意到没有 In case you didn't notice.
像是那种童年的梦想 It's like some deep-seated childhood thing.
就像我对乳房那样 So is my thing for tits.
对,就像那样 Yeah. It is like that, though.
从孩子时起 From when you're a kid.
因为我父亲是犹太人,我们不过圣诞节 'Cause my dad was Jewish, and we didn't have Christmas.
这是个禁忌 So it was like this forbidden thing.
[ Laughs, clears throat ]
所以... So...
我喜欢你 I like you.
好好保存这身衣服 Don't mothball that suit.
怎么了? What the fuck?
我不是同性恋 I am not gay.
-搞什么,伙计? -伙计? -What the hell, buddy? -Buddy?
我说了我不是个同性恋 I said I am not gay.
你他妈的发疯了? Are you off your fucking meds or something?
对 Yes.
但这不是最主要的 But that isn't what this is about.
你看上去想张破烂的$10 You're as queer as a $10 bill.
听我说,混蛋 Let me tell you something, motherfucker.
我兄弟越战时候掉了一条胳膊 My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam.
现在我让你再看我最后一眼 So I want you to look at my face one last fucking time.
这是你最后看到的东西 This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I --
混蛋! Elf fucker!
-混蛋! -转过去,混蛋! -Motherfucker! -Turn around, elf fucker.
现在谁才是婊子? 圣诞公公,嗯? Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Huh?
圣诞婊子!婊子! Faggy Claus! Faggy!
放开圣诞公公! Leave Santa alone!
小家伙,别管闲事,我是为了大家好 Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us.
放开圣诞公公! Leave Santa alone!
[ Grunts ]
蠢货! Ass clown.
嗨,你就是那个孩子 Hey, you're that kid.
你在这里他妈的干吗? What the fuck are you doing here?
这次我带你回家,懂吗? This one fucking time I take you home, okay?
嗯 Uh-huh.
我不是你的混蛋爸爸 I'm not your fucking dada.
嗯 Uh-huh.
不是因为你帮了我什么 It's not like you helped me with that nutjob or anything.
-嗯 -你不过高度正好 -Uh-huh. -You're the right height.
正好够到他的鸡鸡 You're right there to grab his balls.
-你应该捏烂它 -你为什么要开车? -You could twist them. -Why do you need a car?
-什么? -这辆车子 -What? -This car.
到哪里转弯? Which turn is it?
塞奇公寓,你的雪橇呢? Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh?
在商店里,去修了 It's in the shop, getting repaired.
-巡鹿呢? -关在厩里了 -Where are the reindeer? -I stabled them.
左转还是右转? Is it left or right?
那里 That way.
厩在哪里? Where's the stable?
-商店边上 -它们怎么睡觉? -Next to the shop. -How do they sleep?
谁?巡鹿?站着睡觉 Who? The reindeer? Standing up.
那么吵,怎么睡的着 But the noise. How do they sleep?
-怎么吵了? -商店很吵 -What noise? -From the shop.
他们只在白天工作,明白了吗? They only work during the day, all right?
我以为北极永远是晚上呢 I thought it was always night at the North Pole.
现在不是,现在一直是白天 Well, not now. Right now it's always day.
那它们怎么睡觉? Then how do they sleep?
-哦,塞奇公寓 -Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. -[ Tires squealing ]
你怎么了?有人敲了你的脑袋? What is it with you? Somebody drop you on your fucking head?
我的脑袋? On my head?
还是他们用你砸别人的脑袋? Are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?
他们怎么能用我砸我的脑袋? How can they drop me onto my own head?
不是砸你... No, not onto your... Would...
妈的,你听不懂我的话? God damn it! Are you fucking with me?
哪幢房子? Okay. Which house is it?
那幢 That one.
有耶稣一家的? With Jesus and his family there or what?
不,边上那幢 No. The one beside that.
-那里? -对,那里 -Right here? -Yeah. That one.
好吧 All right.
好地方 Nice digs.
爸爸在家吗? Is Daddy home?
他出去旅行了,去山里探险 He's on an adventure, exploring mountains.
他出去很久了 He's been gone a long time.
山里探险?他还要多久回来? Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone?
明年吧 Till next year.
嗯?那你妈妈呢? Yeah? What about Mommy?
她在上帝的房间里和耶稣,玛丽亚,圣灵住在一起 She lives in God's house with Jesus and Mary and the ghost
还有长耳朵驴子,约瑟夫和会说话的核桃 and the long-eared donkey and Joseph and the talking walnut.
那谁来照顾你? Well, who the fuck takes care of you, then?
奶奶 Grandma.
嗯?她叫什么? Yeah? What's her name?
奶奶 Grandma.
奶奶还健在吗? Is Granny spry?
Everybody!
# D-O-L-E, Dole #
# Banana shuffle #
奶奶?奶奶? Grandma? Grandma?
圣诞老人来了 Santa's here.
哦,罗杰 Oh, Roger. You're home.
你还健在吗? Are you spry?
我给你准备点三明治 Let me fix you some sandwiches. [ Chuckles ]
这里就她一个人? Are you telling me she's the only one here?
没有其他人了? Nobody else?
没有姑姑,叔叔什么的了? No aunts or cousins or uncles or anything like that?
也没有什么看守人? A butler or security guard or something?
没有 Nuh-unh.
真是胡扯 You're shitting me.
你爸爸有保险箱吗? Does your daddy have a safe?
要钱去修雪橇? Need money to fix your sleigh?
没错 Exactly.
你要吃牛奶加饼干吗? You want milk and cookies?
不用 No.
要我给你拿点三明治吗? Should I fix you some sandwiches?
嗯 Unh-unh.
你爸爸有车子吗? Does your daddy have a car?
[ Tires screeching ]
再见,圣诞老人! Bye, Santa!
# First comes the stocking of little Nell #
# Dear old Santa, fill it well #
[ Woman laughs, shouts ]
[ Willie grunting ]
哦 WlLLlE: Oh, my!
[ Both grunting ]
-继续,继续 -哦! -WOMAN: Keep going. -Jesus!
哦! Ohh!
哦,上帝! Oh, God!
哦! Ooh!
哦! 哦,玛丽! Oh, Zena! Oh, Mary!
继续 Keep it going.
我的上帝! Jesus Christ!
嗯,宝贝 嗯,宝贝 Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby.
你一个星期都不能方便了 You ain't gonna shit right for a week.
哦! Oh!
-耶! -耶! -Yeah, buddy! -Yeah!
-[ Panting ] -Whoo!
[ Both grunting ]
不会再这样了,我向你保证! It won't happen again. I can promise you that.
维力患了低血糖,仅此而已 Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.
没错,我忘了吃药了 That's right. I forgot to take my pill.
发誓没用的 It's not just the swearing.
嗯... Um...
原谅我爱管闲事 Forgive me for prying.
你们有没有人... But did one of you, um...
通奸... fornicate...
通奸? Fornicate?
嗯,在更衣室里和一个胖女人 Yes, with a heavyset woman in the Big & Tall dressing room.
我干过好多胖女人,没错 Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure.
但是我从来没和谁通奸过 But as far as I can recall, I've never fornicated anybody.
嗯,那好,虽然如此 Yes, well, even still,
我想为了大家好,如果我们... I think it's best for all parties considered if we --
如果我们怎样? If we what?
嗯,有人对这份工作感兴趣 Well, I have someone else interested in the position.
犯愚蠢的错误前 Before you do something stupid,
你再好好想想 you may want to think about this shit.
你在说什么? What are you talking about?
我在说解雇一个黑人侏儒 I'm talking about firing a little black midget.
一个有非洲血统的小小美国人 A colored, African-American small person.
这就是我在说的 That's what I'm talking about.
我在说你那张臭脸登上了"今日美国" I'm talking about your face all over goddamn "USA Today."
150个小混蛋 I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers
游行在路上 all over the sidewalk out there.
手里拿着警棍,唱歌跳舞 Little picket signs, chanting and raving.
提着扩音器 Using little bullhorns and shit like that.
大声吼你的名字 Screaming and hollering your name out.
歧视残疾人,明白了吗? Unfair practices. Get me?
不,不,不 和这个没关系 No. No, no. This is not a handicap thing.
我不是和你们的人作对 I have nothing against you people.
"你们的人"? "You people"?
你听到吗,马科斯? 他说"你们的人" Did you hear that, Marcus? He said, "You people."
谁是"我们的人"? Who the hell is "us people"?
等等,不是的 Wait. Wait. No, no.
你不明白,什么? I -- You don't under-- What?
他... 不,不 He... No, no.
嗯,我想最好 Um, you know, I think it's best
我们忘了这次谈话 if we just forget we had this conversation.
很好 Okay.
想的不错 Good thinking.
别担心我们,我们不会有事的 And don't worry about us. We'll be fine.
我们走吧,马科斯 Let's get the hell out of here, Marcus.
你真可怜 You're pathetic.
那个在肚脐上的小东西 I dig that little thing on your belly button.
是什么?钻石? What's that? Like a diamond?
是个肚脐环 It's a belly-button ring.
哦,是吗? 等一下 Oh, yeah? Hang on a second.
看着 Check this out.
你要往前冲,看到吗? You got to thrust. See what I'm saying?
你要让球动起来,你来试试,宝贝 You gotta move the ball around. You go up there, baby.
来 Come on.
看到吗?让球动起来 就这样 See? Move the ball. There you go.
混蛋! Motherfucker!
哦,你个恶心下流的混蛋! Oh, you lousy, fucking motherfucker.
[ Grunting ]
那会让我们倒霉的 That's the shit that's gonna get us pinched.
她说了她18岁了 She said she was 18.
你保证不会再干了 But you promised no arcades.
你说过你只在"又高又大"里面胡搞了 You said you'd only hustle Big & Tall.
难道是你把我生出来的?你现在是我妈了? You shat me out of your womb? You're my fucking mom now?
我他妈不要听你的说教 I don't need any goddamn lectures.
我知道怎么低调行事,谢谢 I know how to keep a low profile. Thank you.
[ Car alarm deactivates ]
这他妈是什么? 低调先生? What the fuck is this, Mr. Low Profile?
管好你自己的事情吧! Mind your own goddamn business.
听到过关于开瓶的法律吗? Ever hear of the open bottle law?
几天前,我在"又高又大"商店 A couple of days ago, I was in, uh, Women's Big & Tall.
我听到... And I heard these...
嗯,你知道,一些声音 [ Clears throat ] Um, you know, these noises.
我听到一个女人叫着"耶,欧耶" And I heard a woman screaming, "Yeah. Oh, yeah."
我听到他在说"很好" And I heard his voice saying, "That's right.
"你一个月都不能方便了" You ain't going to S-H-l-T right for a month."
别误解我 But don't get me wrong.
我反对弹劾克林顿 I was against the Clinton impeachment.
是男人自己的事情 What a man does with his own penis --
总统办公室, "又高又大"商场 Oval Office, Women's Big & Tall --
这不该是美国人民谈论的 it's not for the American people to say.
嗯,没错 Yeah, right.
但是如果和孩子打交道 But when you're dealing with children...
他们非常敏感 They have a tender sensibility.
他们很信任你 And you are in a position of trust.
我觉得有些尖叫的达到高潮 I think perhaps someone who has screaming orgasms
和女人胡搞的人不应该... with large women shouldn't...
对 Yeah.
当然我不能因此解雇他 Of course, I can't fire him for that.
没错,不公正待遇 Oh, yeah. Unfair practices.
诡辩,婊子,婊子,婊子 Special pleading. Bitch, bitch, bitch.
去他们的 Fucking broads.
但是我不能忍受 But I just can't help it.
这个家伙让我感到不安 There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy.
嗯,当然 Well, sure.
圣诞老人干了别人 Santa fucking someone in the ass.
-那么... -So... -[ Coughs ]
或许我可以找到解雇他的理由 Maybe there's something I could fire him for.
嗯,我懂了 Yeah, I get you.
是吗? Do you?
你可以找到什么理由吗? Do you think you could find something?
妈的,对 何患无辞 Shit, yeah. There's always something.
[ Gulps ]
[ Glass clinking ]
妈的 Shit.
嗨,猫人,过来 Hey, Opal. Come here.
嗯 Unh-unh.
去你的,维力,你个流氓 Screw you, Willie, your kinky ass.
我一个礼拜没好好方便了 Last time I didn't shit right for a week.
不是这个,我有话对你说 No, it's not that. I need to talk to you.
你烦死我了,维力 [ Sighs ] I'm just tired of you, Willie.
噢 Ooh.
我房间里是谁? Who the fuck is in my room?
你看到有人进我的房间吗? Did you see somebody go in my room?
嗯,有个人来找你 Yeah. Some guy asking about you.
像是个警察 Looked like a cop.
哦,妈的 Oh, shit.
[ Rattling ]
马科斯,我是维力 Marcus, it's Willie.
我刚回到汽车旅馆 I just got back to the motel.
有个家伙在翻我的屋子 Some guy is nosing around in my room.
什么家伙?你看到他了吗? What guy? You get a look at him?
没有,我猜是个警察 No. But I think he's a cop, though.
是不是有人盯上我们了? Think somebody's onto us?
房间里有什么东西吗?干活用的工具? Is there anything in the room? Anything professional?
没有,里面只有衣服 No, I just got clothes in there.
避避风头,笨蛋 Just ditch, you idiot.
你有地方睡觉吗? You got anywhere to sack out for a while?
-圣诞公公! -对 -Santa! -Yeah.
你提前送我礼物来了? You're bringing my present early?
不是 No.
我从来没告诉你我要什么 But I never told you what I wanted.
我说了带来了一些东西,笨蛋 I said I didn't bring it, dipshit.
好,真棒 Okay. Good.
我要一个茸毛大象,粉红色的 I want a stuffed elephant. A pink one.
一手是愿望,一手放垃圾 Wish in one hand, shit in the other one.
看哪个先满 See which one fills up first.
好的 Okay.
我要在这里呆一会 So I'm gonna be staying here for a while.
北极糟透了 Things are all fucked up at the North Pole.
圣诞婆婆抓到我和她妹妹上床了 Mrs. Santa caught me fucking her sister.
我只好逃出来 And I'm out on my ass now.
她得到了一半财产 She got half of everything.
真是不赖 This is gonna be cool.
这里不错 This will do fine.
所以我就住这里了 So I'm gonna be crashing here.
只有你和我,就像室友,明白吗? It will be just you and me, like roommates, you know?
你和圣诞婆婆有孩子吗? Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?
没有,感谢上帝 No. Thank the fuck Christ.
那精灵呢? What about the elves?
他们和圣诞婆婆住一起 Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa.
我周末去接他们 I get them on the weekends.
去给我放洗澡水吧 Why don't you go run me a bath?
巡鹿怎么样了? What about the reindeer?
你可以别再问巡鹿了吗? Would you please shut up about reindeer?
他们叫什么名字? What are their names?
谁? Who?
精灵们 The elves.
哦,妈的,我记不清楚了 Oh, shit. I can't remember.
我知道一个喜欢打喷嚏,一个很笨 I think one of them is Sneezy. There's a Dopey.
那是7个小矮人 That's the Seven Dwarfs.
哦,你问倒我了 Oh, you're shitting me.
我想想...我觉得是... I thought... I was thinking it was the...
我不知道,滚你的 I don't know. Fuck, kid.
我只是叫他们"小弟弟" I just call them, "bub."
我说"嗨,小弟弟"或者"长官"或者随便什么 I say, "Hey, bub" or "chief" or whatever the fuck.
我让他做个玩具 I tell him to make the goddamn toy.
你他妈怎么回事情? What the fuck is wrong with you?
我记不清这些该死的东西! I can't remember this shit!
你他妈的什么都要问吗? Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?
他们多大了? How old are they?
[ Snoring ]
你想吃饼干吗? You want cookies?
不 No.
热牛奶? Warm milk?
不 No.
给你做点三明治吧 Should I fix you some sandwiches?
我他妈不要吃三明治 I don't want any fucking sandwiches.
你只会做三明治吗? What is it with you and fixing fucking sandwiches?
嗯,还要其他什么吗? Okay. Do you want anything else?
不 No.
好的 Okay.
圣诞公公? Santa?
怎么? What?
我给你倒了杯橙汁 I brought you some orange juice.
里面是什么? What's in it?
橙子 Oranges.
看这是什么 Look what I have.
基督降临日历 An Advent calendar.
这到底是什么? What the hell is that?
是圣诞节的故事,做成日历的样子 It's the story of Christmas, but in a calendar.
每天打开一个新的盒子 Every day you peel open a new box.
你读到一个故事 You get part of the story.
还有一颗巧克力 And then there's a chocolate inside.
你想打开今天的盒子看看吗? Do you want to open up today's box and read it?
不,你来吧 No. You go ahead.
我的上帝,小家伙,当心点 Jesus Christ, kid. Watch the nuts.
"约瑟夫从加利利的拿撒勒城向北 "So Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee
经朱迪亚到伯利恒,那是大卫的城市 to Judea, to Bethlehem, the town of David.
那时,恺撒.奥古斯塔斯颁布了一项法令 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree
在罗马帝国进行一次人口普查 that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world.
每个人都要回自己的家乡注册 Everyone went to his hometown to register."
-就这样? -对 -That it? -Yep.
真是个可怕的故事,孩子 That's an awesome fucking story, kid.
还有更多,但是我们必须等到明天 There's more to it, but we have to wait till tomorrow.
你要吃巧克力吗? Do you want to eat the chocolate?
你吃吧 You go ahead.
你下楼来吗? Are you coming downstairs?
我马上下来,我要去上班了 I'll be down in a minute. I got to go to work.
滚蛋? 滚蛋! Fuck me? Fuck you.
你不可以利用一个孩子 You can't just take up with some kid.
你不知道他身边有谁,都干些什么 You don't know who's around or what they do.
你个胆小鬼 You got some nerve, you little shit, you.
你又做我妈了?再生我一遍? What, you're my mom now? You shat me out of your womb?
你昨天说了,笨蛋 You said that yesterday, you stupid fuck.
妈的 Shit.
滚你妈的 Fuck you.
你是有史以来最丑的 You are by far the dumbest,
可怜的屎壳郎 most pathetic piece of maggot-eating shit
每天吃大粪 that has ever slid from a human being's hairy ass.
那孩子要是真的在演戏呢? What if the kid has one of those fucking playdates they have now?
你在吓唬我?那孩子一个朋友都没有 Are you shitting me? The kid don't have any friends.
他甚至连一个假想的朋友都没有 He don't even have an imaginary friend unless he ditched him.
他和他的老祖母一起住 He lives with his drooling-ass old grandmother.
成天坐在电视前面 Sits in front of the TV all the time.
你觉得她会给我麻烦? You think she's gonna rat me out?
她从上个礼拜二开始就什么都不管了 She don't know her ass from last Tuesday.
你干了她? You fuck her?
我的上帝 Jesus Christ.
你以为什么都可以干吗? Is everything fucking sex with you?
我?我只干一个人 With me? I fuck one person.
我才不会随便寻花问柳 I ain't out there serial fornicating,
喝的酩酊大醉 trying to float my liver, drinking myself silly
因为我受不了自己如此堕落 'cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.
你是谁? 他妈的弗洛伊德? What are you, Sigmund Sawed-off Fucking Freud?
嗯,没错 Yeah, that's right.
继续呀,骂我的身高呀 Go ahead. Talk about my height.
好好当心一点 Make it about something safe
因为你是个弱不禁风的瘸子 'cause you're an emotional cripple.
你的灵魂就是狗屎 Your soul is dog shit.
你浑身上下的一切都是垃圾 Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.
[ Crunches loudly ]
来吧,路易丝,我们走 Come on, Lois. Let's get out of here.
看看谁在这里,吉米 圣诞老人 Look who's here, Jimmy. It's Santa.
真他妈不错 That's fucking great.
告诉他你要什么礼物 Let's tell him what you want for Christmas.
混蛋 Fuck.
我他妈正在午餐,懂吗? I'm on my fucking lunch break, okay?
你疯了吗? Are you insane?
管理员最好了解一下 Management's gonna hear about this.
你觉得这是威胁我? You think that's a threat?
如果你觉得可以让我的生活变的更糟,就去吧 If you think you can make my life any worse, go right ahead.
去投诉呀,向我开枪好了 Be my fucking guest. Take a shot.
# It's the most wonderful time of the year #
# With the kids jingle-belling #
# And everyone telling you, "Be of good cheer" #
# It's the most wonderful time of the year #
只是看看 Just looking.
啊! Aah!
[ Crying ]
找到你要的了吗? Find everything you're looking for?
嗯,对,谢谢你 Um, yeah. Thank you.
没有我可以帮忙的了吗? Nothing I can help you with, huh?
嗯,我看看游戏因为我有个Xbox No. I'm just looking at the games 'cause I have an Xbox.
别碰我的裤子! Get your hands out of my pants, man!
你在这里偷就是偷我的东西 You're stealing from the store, you're stealing from me.
这是什么? What is this?
我会去付钱的 I was gonna pay for it.
回答错误 Wrong answer.
我看着你的时候,你知道我怎么想? When I look at you, you know what I think?
我觉得美国的未来很糟糕 I think America has a sad future ahead of it.
你是这一代人渣的一份子 And you're part of this sorry-ass generation.
你长大了想干什么? What you want to be when you grow up?
我不知道 I don't know.
-这是MP3播放器? -对 -This MP3? -Yeah.
拿下来 Take it off.
是我祖母给... But my grandmother gave --
拿下来,我才不管谁给你的 Take it off. I don't care who gave it to you.
拿下来! Take it off.
勒死你我也不在乎 I don't care if it choke you to death.
现在,你给我滚出去,滚! Now, I want you to get on out of here. Get!
-我可以... -滚! -But can I have... -Get!
克旺撒节快乐! Happy Kwanzaa.
[ Cellphone rings ]
把你的裤子拉上来! And pull your damn pants up!
这些天你的孩子们都怎么啦? What's wrong with you kids these days?
金? MAN: Gin?
-是的 -有什么可以帮忙的? -Yeah. -What do you need?
麻烦你给我查个车牌 I need you to run a plate for me.
亚历桑那州的车牌 It's Arizona plates.
稍等，我拿支笔来 Hold on. Let me get a pen.
你确定? Is that it?
上帝啊，悔棋者都不是君子，对不？ For Christ's sake, make a move and stick with it, would you?
我赢了 King me.
狗娘养的! Son of a bitch!
你个垃圾小老千! You lousy, cheating little shit!
你他妈的耍我! 早就计划好的 You're fucking with me! You did that on purpose.
你下棋之前就感觉好象已经输定了 You play like the dead lice are falling off of you,
然后突然，你象海洋饼干那样奋起直追 and then suddenly, you're like Seabiscuit all over the place.
你在耍小聪明，是吗，小子？ You're a smartass, is what you are, kid.
再来一把吗？ Want to play again?
[ Doorbell rings ]
您好 我是赫伯根纳 Howdy. Herb Gunner.
我住在两条街以外的布宁路 I live two streets over on Burning Trail Road.
我们不认识吧？ I don't think we've met.
我是维力叔叔 I'm Uncle Willie.
今年由我负责组织装饰我们这个街区 I'm organizing the decorations for the subdivision this year.
-介意我进来吗? -当然 -You mind if I come in? -Yeah.
我意思是，我介意 I mean yeah, I mind.
好，嗯 Okay. Uh...
你会去参加我们今年的灯光晚会吗？ Will you be participating in our luminarias program this year?
-什么他妈的灯光晚会? -就是打灯光做装饰 -What the hell is a lunamaria? -They're luminarias.
每个小袋装一磅左右的沙子 Small sacks filled with about a pound of sand each.
然后在中间放支蜡烛，点亮 We insert a candle in the middle, light it,
袋子就会发光 and the bag glows.
然后我们把所有袋子排在路旁 Then we line all the sidewalks here
让所有的袋子环绕整个衔区 all around the neighborhood.
你看，我们家并不过圣诞节 You see, we don't celebrate Christmas around here, so...
以为我们，嗯... 我们是穆斯林 We're, uh, we're Muslims.
呃，这是我第一次干这个 Look, it's my first year running this.
我不希望排灯的当中有空当 I'd like it if there weren't any gaps in it.
我可以圣诞夜来帮你们排吗？ What if I come by Christmas Eve and do it for you?
不必，你不必这么做 No, you know what? You don't have to do that.
是的，我和这孩子 我们会做的 Yeah, me and the kid here, we'll do something.
好极了 我有材料 Great. I got the supplies.
-我替你把它们扔在车库里 -好极了 -I'll throw them in the garage. -Perfect.
好 Awesome.
我去车库了 Going in the garage, just so you know.
你可以做一个六磅重的美味烤鸡 MAN ON TV: You can make a delicious six-pound chicken.
多的可以供给一小队士兵的热狗和香肠 Enough hot dogs and sausages to feed a small army.
不是一个，而是两个美味的小烤鸡 Not one, but two delicious rotisserie chickens.
上我，圣诞老人！上我，圣诞老人！ 上我，圣诞老人！ Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa.
美妙的６磅半的烤排骨 MAN ON TV: Scrumptious 6 1/2-pound standing rib roast.
和大家都喜欢的，嫩肋骨 And everybody's favorite, baby back ribs.
[ Applause ]
[ Grunting ]
这房子真漂亮 This is such a nice house.
不过还缺个女主人 Needs a woman's touch, though.
我只不过他妈的租来住两天 I just rent the fucking place anyway.
我也是租房子住的 Yeah. I just rent stuff, too.
真的? Yeah?
[ Mumbles ]
你会在这儿呆多久? How long are you gonna be here?
什么？沙发上？ What? On the couch?
不是 No.
在这个镇里 In town.
我也不知 可能过了节吧 I don't know. Just through the holidays.
你知道，我要搬的 You know, then I'll move on.
嗯，你喜欢小孩吗？ So, do you like kids?
不，一点都不喜欢! Fuck, no!
我看上去不正常吗? Do you think I'm some kind of pervert?
我的意思是你是圣诞老人 I just mean because you're Santa Claus.
哦 Oh.
我喜欢孩子，真的很喜欢 I like kids. I really like kids.
-当真? -千真万确 -You do? -I love kids.
好，那好 Well, good.
是啊，孩子还是有点意思的 Yeah, they're something else, those kids.
告诉你实话 And to tell you the truth...
事实上是，我不是圣诞老人。 The fact of the matter is, I'm not Santa.
无所谓，还是喜欢你 Like ya anyway.
[ Snoring ]
你会给我打电话的，对吗? So, you'll call me, right?
是的 我会给你打电话的 Yeah. I'll call you.
我会买花送给你 I'm gonna buy you some flowers.
买那些好的，贵的花 Some of those really good expensive ones.
闭嘴 Shut up.
再见 [ Chuckles ] Bye.
[ Kid screaming ]
罗杰，你回来了 Roger, you're home.
我来给你做些三明治吧 Let me fix you some sandwiches.
什么? What the fuck?
小子，你他妈哪儿不对了？ Kid, what the fuck is wrong with you?
[ Screaming continues ]
上帝啊! Jesus Christ!
让我看看! 让我看看! Let me see it! Let me see it!
到底发生什么事了?! What the hell happened to you?!
我不小心割到手了! 噢! I cut my hand by mistake! Ow!
-当然是不小心 -噢! -Of course it was by mistake. -Ow!
来，别动 别动 Here, hold still. Hold still.
[ Screaming intensifies ]
我帮你消毒! I was just trying to help you!
忘了告诉你 "会有点痛" I forgot to say, "It's gonna sting a little bit."
要我找件T恤或者其他什么帮你包一下吗？ Shouldn't I wrap it in a T-shirt or something?
妈的 God damn it.
哎，小子? -Hey, kid? -[ Screaming continues ]
小子，你还好吗? Kid, you okay up there?
你需要创可贴吗? You need a Band-Aid or something?
[ Screaming continues ]
[ Screaming stops ]
哦，妈的 Aw, shit.
你迟到了 You're late.
小子 我告诉你 Kids. Let me tell you.
欲速则不达 They run you ragged.
早上好 Morning, team.
嘿，嘿，嘿 Hey, hey, hey.
还没到８点呢 It's not quite 8:00 yet.
嗯，还差几分钟? Well, how close are we?
现在，８点正 Now it's 8:00.
圣诞快乐 Merry Christmas.
让开 Up your ass.
妈的! God damn it!
你又搞到你的蛋蛋了? You tear your ball again?
我没有。 I don't think so.
就是那儿 That's it.
[ Thudding ]
[ Crash ]
他妈的! [ Muffled ] God damn it!
亲爱的, 不要那么轻柔 Sweetheart, don't romance 'em, now.
直接按到里面去，我不怕痛 Go on and get in there. I can take it.
[ Cellphone rings ]
喂 Yeah.
金, 我查到那块亚历桑那的车牌了 Gin, I got the info on that Arizona plate.
好，说吧 All right. Now you're talking.
噢，等一下 Oh, hold on one minute.
宝贝，宝贝，宝贝 别用那个 Baby, baby. Baby, baby. Don't use that one.
我有用那个的 That's not the stuff.
给我用指甲油 Use something with some claws to it.
对，那种颜色的 就是那种，没错 Yeah, that hard candy. That's it right there.
弄点给我看看 对，就是这种 Let me get some of that. Yeah, that's it.
好吧 Okay.
行了，说下去 Yeah, I'm back.
车主人是罗杰莫曼 The guy's Roger Merman.
-猜猜车主现在在哪儿 -说 -Guess where he is. -Give it to me.
噢，他妈的! 你怎么了，老太婆? Ow! Damn it! What's wrong with you, woman?
你是谁? Who are you?
你是罗杰莫曼? Your name Roger Merman?
是的，不过 Yes. But...
你因为盗用公款被判了三到六年? You doing three to six for embezzlement?
嗯，是有些账目不太清楚 Uh, well, many accounting questions are not cut-and-dried.
你住在塞奇区41号? Do you live at 41 Sage Terrace?
奶奶出事了? Is it Grandma?
我儿子好吗? Is my son all right?
他们挺好 They're fine.
你家里有客人吗? Do you have any houseguests?
客人? Houseguests?
谢谢你抽空 上帝保佑你 Thank you for your time. God bless.
好，喂，你是谁？ Well, hey, who are you?
客人? Houseguests?
我在北极学到的一些小窍门 Little trick I learned up at the North Pole.
你把大香肠炸一起，味道和热狗很象 If you fry baloney, it tastes like a hot dog.
我以为你不爱吃三明治 I thought you didn't like sandwiches.
对，但这不是三明治 Yeah, but this is not a sandwich.
三明治是两块面包 A sandwich has two pieces of bread
当中夹些垃圾 with a bunch of junk on it.
这有点象炸玉米饼 It's like a tostada.
这不是炸玉米饼 This isn't a tostada.
这是你的，奶奶 There you go, Granny.
再加一点料 Little salsa here.
现在就象玉米饼了吧！ Now it's a tostada.
你看到我的故事日历了吗? Have you seen my Advent calendar?
故事日历又他妈的怎么了? What the fuck is it with the Advent calendar?
你干嘛那么喜欢那东西？ Why are you so obsessed with that goddamn thing?
故事都很糟糕 The story sucks anyway.
我好象在走廊里看到过 I think I saw it in the hallway.
-真的? -应该没错 -Really? -I think so.
看上去好像有人把我的事件日历弄坏了 Looks like someone messed with my Advent calendar.
你说什么？让我看看 What are you talking about? Let me see.
没人碰过它，看上去没问题啊 Nobody messed with it. It looks fine.
这格里面有个玉米糖 There's a candy corn in this one.
不可能每格都是好东西，对吗？ Well, they can't all be winners, can they?
唉，真他妈的糟 Well, it's fucked.
是吗? Yeah?
是的 Yeah.
-老实说, 很糟 -他 -Fucked, frankly. -He's...
-背景很干净 -哦 -Clean... -Oh.
-就象他妈吹过的口哨一样 -一点污迹也没有? -As a fucking whistle. -Nothing?
-没有 -哦 -No. -Oh.
-什么都没有 -这样啊 -Nothing. I mean shit. -Yeah.
-他乱搞 -是吗? -He curses. -Yeah?
-但从不和孩子乱搞 -噢 -But never around children. -Oh.
- 没有犯罪记录 - 是的 -No criminal record. -Yeah.
-没有违章停车 -没有 -No parking tickets. -Nothing.
-甚至连坏习惯都没有 -哦 -No bad habits, even. -Oh.
是的，性行为上没有 Sex, yeah.
-男人本性就喜欢做爱 - 的 -But man is a sexual being. -Yeah.
-达尔文的鬼理论 -是啊 -Fuckin' Darwinian. -Oh.
-你不能为此而指责他 -当然不能 -You can't do shit about that. -No.
妈的，我也不想为了这个去指责他 Hell, I wouldn't want to.
不，当然不能 我也从不提倡单身主义 No, of course not. I'm not advocating celibacy.
当然不提倡，不然人类就他妈要绝种了 Hope not. It'd be the end of the fucking human race.
是的 Yeah.
和大块头女人做爱 Fucks large women.
我能说什么? What can I say?
嘿，看，又是那个弱智 Hey, look, it's the retard again.
上！ Wedgie.
-噢 -噢 -Yeah. -Yeah.
[ Screaming ]
[ Rip ]
好，你他妈到底要什么? Well, what the hell do you want?
一把刺刀! Pokemon!
知道了 Done.
你最好别挖你的屁股 You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass.
圣诞老人 Santa...
[ Children laughing ]
哦，天那 Oh, jeez.
-那是你的内衣吗? -只剩一半了 -ls that your underwear? -Part of it.
那另一半呢? Where the hell's the rest of it?
嗯，不用告诉我，我不想知道 你想要什么? No, actually, don't tell me. What do you want?
本来我想要一个紫色的长毛绒象 不要粉红色的了 I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink.
现在我改变主意了 But now I changed my mind.
-是吗，那要什么? -我不要大象了 -Yeah, what? -Now I don't want an elephant.
我想要一个叫戴维的大猩猩 I want a gorilla named Davey
它要能帮我打那些扯我内裤的小流氓 for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear.
是用山核桃让它打他们的 He could take his orders from the talking walnut,
所以不关我的事 so it wouldn't be my bad thing.
小子 Jesus, kid.
当我到了你那么大年龄时 我才不要什么大猩猩呢 When I was your age, I didn't need no gorilla,
那时我还没有你的一条腿那么壮 and I wasn't as big as one of your legs.
4个小孩打我，我哭着告诉我老爸 Four kids beat me up and I went crying to my daddy.
-你知道他什么反映? -他安慰你了? -You know what he did? -He made it all better?
没有，他踹了我一脚 知道为什么? No, he kicked my ass. You know why?
“因为你带着妈妈的晚餐去厕所?” 'Cause you went to the bathroom on Mommy's dishes?
胡扯什么? What the fuck?
不是 No.
他是要告诉你不要哭，要象个男人？ He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?
不是，是因为他是个卑鄙龌龊的醉鬼 No. It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch.
不是打我屁股 When he wasn't busting my ass,
就是用烟头烫我的脖子 he was putting cigarettes out on my neck.
这个世界并不公平 The world ain't fair.
所以当你能拥有一样东西的时候 要抓紧机会 You gotta take what you need when you can get it.
学着自己处理这种事， 不要象个懦夫一样 Learn to stand up for yourself. Quit being a pussy.
你可以踢那些小无赖的蛋蛋或者别的要害 Kick these kids in the balls or something.
或者你不想，随便你 Or don't. Shit, I don't care.
别把我扯进这事， 走吧 Just leave me out of it. Now, get on out of here.
好，谢谢圣诞老人。 Okay. Thanks, Santa.
去叫下个幸运的小孩来吧? Go get the next lucky boy or girl, okay?
好，下一个 All right, next.
松开那边的绳子，马科斯 Open the ropes there, Marcus.
我认识你吗? I know you?
还不认识 Not yet.
七年，七个城市 Seven cities in seven years.
很不错 Pretty impressive.
不同的商店 用不同的名字 The store changes, your name changes.
但总能顺利逃脱 But you always get away clean.
是的 Yeah.
是他妈的历害 Pretty darn impressive.
好吧，让我们面对事实 Well, let's face the facts.
你们两个小贼 Y'all are a couple of half-bucket small-timers.
你，仗着先天的生理条件 找个地方躲了起来 You, because of your physical attributes, found a niche,
我没有不敬的意思 and I respect that.
但你们还是被我 But you also been caught...
抓住了 ...by me.
所以，这样吧 So this is how it's gonna be.
我不想管别人的闲事 I don't want to take over.
我都还不想揭穿你们 I don't even want to change your scam.
不管你们怎么干都行 Whatever you guys do, it works.
我只想要分一杯羹 All I want is a taste.
事成之后，我们分一下钱 When the deed is done, we part ways.
这样，我可以在哈瓦苏买幢平房, I'll buy a little ranch in Havasu,
你们也能带着你们的那份上路。 and you all take your little medicine show back on the road.
-你要多少? -一半 -How much? -Half.
不行，你搞清你在和谁打交道吧！ No way! You don't know who you're fucking with.
别急，维力 我来处理，我来处理! Back off, Will. I got this. I got this!
这样吧，30％ Okay. 30%.
我们有三个人，30％，这样公平 There's three of us. 30%. That's fair.
一半 Half.
我是说33％ I meant 33%...
我要一半 I meant half.
三分之一 ...and 1/3.
一半 Half.
35％ 35%.
一半 Half.
40％ 40%.
一半 Half.
42％ 42%.
一半 Half.
45％ 45%.
一半 Half.
48％? 48%?
一半 [ British accent ] Half.
49％ 49%.
一半 Half.
哈哈，百分之一还争什么? Well, what's one point?
钱我们平分，一方一半 We split the dough right down the middle.
所有你们拿的东西，我要看一下 先挑一半 Any merchandise you take, I get to look at and cherry-pick.
不行，钱是一回事 你不能再拿东西 No! Money's one thing, but you ain't gettin' the --
这不是让你在中国餐馆点菜，白痴 This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff.
我说怎样就怎样 I tell you how it's gonna be.
就象做割包皮手术一样 This is pricks fix.
割包皮? Pricks fix?
他是个混蛋 He's a fucking moron.
哦，是吗? Oh, really?
你不是说你来处理吗? Is that how you got the upper hand?
去你的 Fuck you.
谈判? Negotiating?
要是你有意见，明年不用和我一起干了 If you don't like, next year, fuck off.
我总能再找到一个撬箱子的 I can always get another box jockey.
我也能找个别的矮子 I can get another midget, too.
哦，是吗? Yeah, where?
我们这样的象挂在树上的苹果一样，很多吗？ You see us hanging off of trees like fucking crab apples?
就算有很多，也没人和你合作 Even if we did, you'd never front your own racket.
你知道为什么吗，维力? 你毫无纪律观念 You know why, Willie? You got no discipline.
你他妈一点警觉性也没有 没有我，你早就被逮住了 You got zero fuckin' initiative. You'd fall apart without me.
你太可怜了 You're too pathetic for words.
你就是个衰鬼，你自己也应该知道 You're a fucking loser, and you fucking know it.
# To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh #
# Giddyup, jingle horse, pick up your feet #
# Jingle around the clock #
# Mix and mingle in the jinglin' beat #
# That's the jingle bell rock #
圣诞老人很快就会来的，很快 Santa'll be here real soon, kids. Real soon.
# Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time #
他来了，看。 There he is. Look.
# In jingle bell square #
噢，不 Oh, no.
# What a bright time, it's the right time #
# To rock the night away #
噢，上帝啊! Oh, my God!
# Is a swell time #
# To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh #
# Giddyup, jingle horse, pick up your feet #
# Jingle around the clock #
# Mix and mingle in the jinglin' beat,,, #
[ Screaming and crying ]
[ Grunting ]
他妈的犹太人 Sweet Jews for Jesus.
我恨我自己 [ Grunts ] I pissed myself.
你他妈的知道自己在干什么？ What the fuck do you think you doing?
你个混账东西! You son of a bitch!
喂，喂，喂 喂，喂！ Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.
喂，别这样，别 Hey, come on, come on.
喂! 来，来! Look, hey! Come on, come on!
看看这里 先把他带出去 Look here. Get him out of here.
我会和奇普思卡说好处理的 I'll smooth things over with Chipeska.
-告诉他是食物中毒引起的 -"带他出去"? -Tell him food poisoning. -"Get him out of here"?
把他带到车上去 Take him to the car.
你别忘了，我他妈的是个矮子 In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a motherfuckin' dwarf.
除非给我辆铲车 So unless you got a forklift handy,
不然的话，得你把他带出去 maybe you should lend a hand, hmm?
自己想办法吧，别老指望别人 That figures. You want all kind of set-asides.
别以为自己是二等残废就可以受特殊待遇 Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped.
你也是正常人 You all the same.
特殊待遇? Special treatment?
我只有三英尺高，你个混蛋! I'm 3-foot-fucking-tall, you asshole!
懂不懂物理？ It's a matter of physics.
你告诉我我怎么才能把他弄车上去? Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?
婊子，婊子，婊子 Bitch, bitch, bitch.
你个混蛋，你说啊 Sketch it up, you moron.
操他妈莱昂纳多达芬奇 Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.
你说我什么，你个矬子? What you call me, thigh high?
垃圾，我说你是个１５世纪的古董 I called you a fucking guinea homo
你个小龟头 from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!
小矮子，你站起来才够到我的屁眼吧 I could stick you up my ass, small fry.
是啊？你确定你的屁眼昨晚被操得不酸? Yeah? You sure it ain't too sore from last night?
矮子，算你嘴巴能说 You got some lip on you, midget.
我嘴巴昨晚还舔了你老婆的B呢！ Well, these lips were on your wife's pussy last night.
你他妈嘴巴一刻都不干净? Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while?
混蛋 Asshole.
我尿在裤子上了 I pissed my pants.
噢，闭嘴 Oh, shut up.
圣诞老人 Santa.
圣诞老人? Santa?
干什么? What?
你在做什么? What are you doing?
没做什么 Nothing.
你今天去上班吗? You going to work today?
不去 Not really.
你就坐在这儿? You just gonna sit there?
是啊 Yeah.
让我一个人呆会儿，行吗? Just let me alone, okay?
喂，等一下 喂，小家伙? Hey, wait a minute. Hey, kid?
嗯? Yeah?
你拿着这封信 I want you to take this letter.
当护理人员来把我装进袋子里时 When the paramedics come to bag Santa up,
会有警察过来 there's gonna be some cops there.
我要你保证把这封信交到警察手里 I want you to make sure that those cops get that envelope.
这是什么? What is it?
这里面写着所有的 It just tells all the bad things that...
你眼睛怎么了? What the fuck happened to your eye?
你个小混蛋! Fucking little prick!
你喜欢把别的小孩打出黑眼圈来? So you like to give little kids black eyes, huh?
你自己呢？也想要两个吧! How 'bout you, huh?! You want some?!
还有别人想要吗? 有吗？来啊! Anybody else? Anybody else? Come on!
是啊，你想要吗？ Yeah, there you go.
知道吗，我重新考虑了一次 You know, I think I've turned a corner.
是吗？你又想和我合作了? Yeah? You fucking petites now?
不是，我不是指那个 No. I'm not talking about that.
今天我狠狠揍了几个小家伙 I beat the shit out of some kids today.
是有原因的 But it was for a purpose.
让我觉得混身爽透了 It made me feel good about myself.
就好象我跟我老婆又来了一次造人运动 It was like I did something constructive with my life.
我不知道 I don't know.
就像完成了什么了不起的事情 Like I accomplished something.
你可能要长时间的治疗 You need many years of therapy.
很长很长时间的疗程 Many, many, many fuckin' years of therapy.
好吧，你不喝酒，这是好事 Okay. You don't drink, which is smart on your part.
但是有时太清醒也有缺点 But being sober can put you at a disadvantage
在打架的时候 when it comes to violence.
当然，我一点也不会打拳击 I can't box worth a shit, see.
但打架时，我不会觉得疼 But I'm good in a fight because I can't feel anything.
你却会觉得痛 You, you're gonna feel everything.
好 Okay.
举起你的拳头 让我看一下你怎么样 Now put your dukes up. Let me see what you got.
真他妈的! This is bullshit!
给我一个我要这么干的理由 Give me one good reason why l should even consider doing this.
为了你 我让2000多个小孩在我脸上吐口水 'Cause I let 2,000 kids spit in my face for your ass.
这就是理由 That's why.
我只要你帮这一个忙 Now, I'm asking you for this one thing.
来吧，看看这个孩子 Come on, look at the kid.
他是有点可怜 He is pathetic.
是啊，他是个小 Yeah, he's just a little...
他是个弱智 He's a fucking retard.
是啊，那我们教他点东西 Yeah, let's show him a couple of things
让他以后可以保护自己 so he can defend himself, then.
除非你怕了 Unless you're scared.
行了，听着 All right, here's what's gonna happen.
马科斯就是个喜欢以大欺小的坏蛋 Marcus is a bully, right?
他就是把你内衣撕掉一半的人 He's gonna pull your underwear up out of your pants.
现在，你该怎么做? Now, what do you do?
我不知道 I don't know.
妈的，你不知道？ God damn it! You don't know?
如果有人想要撕扯你的内衣, If somebody wants to pull your underwear up out of your pants,
你应该会发疯 you have to get mad.
对，小子，来啊，发疯啊 Yeah, kid, come on. Get mad.
对他怒吼 Scream at him.
[ Moans weakly ]
见鬼 Jesus fucking Christ.
你听听，真没用 Listen at him. He's a fucking faggot.
响一点，怒吼! Loud! Scream!
响一点，对着他发泄! Be loud! Be mean!
激怒他! 加油! Piss him off! Come on!
啊! Aah!
[ Groaning ]
你不能打人的蛋蛋, [ Strained ] You don't hit people in the balls,
你个混蛋! you asshole!
啊! Aah!
你他妈的哪儿不对了? 他只是个孩子 What the fuck's wrong with you? He's just a kid.
-去你妈的 维力! -噢! -Fuck you, Willie! -Ow!
他妈的 God damn it.
我告诉你我不想做这事! I told you I didn't want to do this!
让我 啊! Making me... Ohh!
妈的 [ Groaning ] Oh, shit.
[ Groans ]
小家伙，或许你不该老和我混在一起 Kid, maybe you shouldn't spend so much time around me.
你个卑鄙的混蛋 You sneaky little prick.
[ Grunts ]
去你妈的! 小混蛋! Fuck you! Little bastard!
别碰我! Get off me!
[ Mid-tempo music plays on television ]
[ Laughing ]
闭嘴，你没这么说过 Shut up. That's not even what you said.
哦，妈的，我自己都忘了 Oh, God damn it, I forgot about that.
我家里有个护士 We got a fucking nursing home around here.
没事，我们可以到别的房间里 Well, we can go in another room.
她看上去一动不动，是吗? She does look kind of still, doesn't she?
喂，奶奶? Hey, Granny?
喂，奶奶 Hey, Granny.
喂，奶奶，这儿? Hey, there, Granny?
噢，奶奶 Oh, Granny.
噢，上帝啊 Oh, my God.
怎么了? What the fuck?
见鬼 Oh, shit.
-来了! -上帝啊! -Roger! -God!
-他妈的! -你回来了 -God damn it! Shit! -You're home.
-打我一下，我还活着吧？ -让我给你做几个三明治吧！ -Please just tap me. -Let me fix some sandwiches.
[ Moans softly ]
你好，小家伙 Hello, little boy.
你好！ 圣诞老人 Hello. Santa...
我知道,平安夜就快到了 I know that Christmas Eve is in a couple days,
你要飞到世界各地 and you have to fly around the world
给大家送礼物，你快要走了 and give presents to everyone, and you won't be around anymore.
嗯? Yeah?
所以，我想先送你个礼物 So I thought I'd give you your present now.
这是什么? What the fuck is it?
这是个木制的工艺品 It's a wooden pickle.
-你为什么把他涂成褐色? -不是涂的颜色 -Why'd you paint it brown? -It's not paint.
是上次我在做的时候不小心割到手了 It's blood from when I cut my hand making it for you.
哦 Oh.
好，小家伙，我不知道 Well, shit, kid, I don't know.
我 I...
谢谢 Thanks.
不用谢 You're welcome.
晚安，圣诞老人 Good night, Santa.
晚安，圣诞老婆婆的妹妹 Good night, Mrs. Santa's sister.
晚安，亲爱的 Good night, sweetie.
哦，上帝啊 Oh, my God.
他对你真好 That was so sweet.
他真是个好孩子，是吗? He's a really sweet kid, isn't he?
是啊 Yeah, I guess so.
来，宝贝 Come on, baby.
来这儿 Come here.
怎么了? What?
噢，没事 我没事 Oh, nothing. I'm all right.
只是有点累了 Just a little tired.
哦 Oh.
圣诞老人! Santa!
他妈的! 哇噢! 妈的! God damn it! Whoa! Shit!
想看看我的成绩单吗? Want to see my report card?
你他妈的吓着我了 You scared the holy shit out of me.
我是好学生吗? Think I did good?
我怎么知道，我还没看呢 How would I know? I haven't seen the fuckin' thing yet.
[ Sighs ]
瑟曼，是谁? Who the fuck is Thurman?
-你叫瑟曼? -对 -ls your name Thurman? -Yeah.
瑟曼莫曼? Thurman Merman?
对 Yeah.
天哪！ Jesus.
你觉得我成绩不错是吗? So, you think I did good?
你干嘛问我？ What do you care what I think, anyway?
我觉得你做得比我强 Hell, I guess you did better than I did.
我从来没拿到过B I never got any B's.
我以为至少，因为我成绩不错, I thought maybe at least since I did good in school,
你会给我个礼物 maybe you'd bring me a present.
因为去年，前年, 'Cause last year and the year before that,
你都没有给过我任何礼物 you didn't bring me any presents.
就算我是个低能儿童，我还是想要礼物 Even though I'm a dipshit loser.
上帝啊，小家伙! Jesus fucking Christ, kid!
你干嘛这么称呼自己?! Why do you talk about yourself that way?!
告诉你，我不是圣诞老人? Let me give you some news. I'm not Santa Claus, all right?
看看我，我像是圣诞老人吗？ Take a look at me. Do I look like Santa Claus?
事实上，我在这儿的原因是证明 As a matter of fact, I'm living fucking proof
这世界上根本没什么圣诞老人 that there's not a Santa Claus.
我知道没有 I know there's no Santa.
我只是以为你会给我一个圣诞礼物 I just thought maybe you'd want to give me a present
因为我们是朋友 'cause we're friends.
他来了 There he is.
那个恶心的混蛋 That lousy, leather-faced, frog-eyed, motherfucker.
-晚安, 金 -晚安 -Good night, Gin. -Good night.
上帝啊，圣母玛利亚，约瑟夫 Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph.
有什么问题? What is the problem now?
对不起 车抛锚了 I'm sorry. The van stalled.
你能帮我启动一下吗? Will you give us a jump, please?
会弄脏我的衣服的 I'll be dipped in dog shit.
我看上去像个修车的吗? Do I look like an auto mechanic to you?
谢谢你帮忙 I appreciate it.
行了，小鬼，自己动手吧！ All right, small fry, help yourself.
我够不着 I can't reach it.
妈的，把线给我 Jesus Christ, give me that.
谢谢！ Thanks.
行了，打火吧！ All right, hit it.
[ Engine turns over ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Groans weakly ]
噢，天那！ 好惨的交通事故！ Oh, my. What a terrible accident.
嗯 Mm-mm-mmm.
-他死了? -没有 -ls he dead? -No.
不过看上去大部分肋骨都断了 But it looks like you broke most of his ribs.
可能50％断了，你认为呢？30％? I'd say maybe 50% of them, or do you think 30%?
助跑的距离不够长 I needed more of a running start.
速度上不去 I couldn't build up enough speed.
[ Sighs ]
[ Electricity sizzles ]
[ Doorbell rings ]
平安夜快乐 Merry Christmas Eve.
给你个小礼物 Got you a little something.
不用吧 You shouldn't have.
东西放厨房里吧！ You should put that stuff in the kitchen.
妈的，你看上去真诱人 God damn, you look good.
给你 Here you go.
宝贝，里面还有一点? Little behind there, sweetie?
你为什么还想吃这个 We don't need any more of this shit.
"天使告诉世上所有的人 "Christmas keeps us connected to each other in peace.
圣诞节让我们大家和平共处" The angel is going to tell everyone in the world."
阿斯匹林? Aspirin?
# As in olden days #
# Happy golden days of yore #
# Faithful friends who are dear to us #
# Gather near to us once more #
# Through the years, we all will be together #
# If the fates allow #
# Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow #
# So have yourself a merry little Christmas now #
# Through the years, we all will be together #
# If the fates allow #
# Hang a shining star upon the highest bough #
# And have yourself #
# A merry little Christmas #
# Now #
妈的! Shit!
上帝啊 Jesus.
圣诞老人? Santa?
-什么? -我去做些三明治 -What? -I was gonna make sandwiches.
在你走之前，我可以给你做一个 I could make you one before you leave.
听着，小家伙，我不知道 Listen, kid, I don't know.
我要去做点事情 I got shit to do and everything.
好吧，给我一个吧！ Okay, make me some sandwiches.
我要去店里和某人聊聊 I gotta go to the mall and talk to somebody.
很快回来 I'll be back.
回来吃晚饭? For dinner?
行，我保证！ Yeah, that's what I said. Yeah.
你要几个三明治? How many sandwiches do you want?
哦，有很多吗？ Uh, a bunch.
要放多少生菜? How much lettuce do you want?
不知道，一般放多少就多少 I don't know. The usual amount.
别人放多少？你觉得合适就行。 Whatever the hell people do. Whatever you think.
好 Okay.
圣诞快乐！ Have a very merry Christmas.
-圣诞快乐！ -晚安！ -Merry Christmas. -Good night.
圣诞快乐！ Merry Christmas.
晚安 Good night.
-晚安 -好，节日快乐! -Good night. -Okay! Happy holiday!
顾客们，注意了 CHlPESKA: Attention, shoppers.
商店五分钟以后关门 The store will be closing in five minutes.
祝大家圣诞快乐！ We wish you all a merry Christmas,
新年快乐！ a happy Hanukkah, and a joyous Kwanzaa.
行了，稳住梯子 All right, hold it steady.
[ Pops ]
[ lnhales deeply ]
噢，行了，动手吧！ Oh, yeah, shit, let's do it.
哦，上帝啊！ Oh, Christ.
圣诞快乐！ Merry Christmas.
晚安 Good night.
圣诞快乐, 维力 Merry Christmas, Willie.
让开 Up your ass.
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Beep ]
啊! Aaaah!
哇! Whoa!
哦，妈的 Oh, shit.
什么? What?
妈的，是基特伯罗达特牌保险箱 It's a Kitnerboy Redoubt.
怎么? So?
记得安迪匹兹? Remember Andy Pitz?
安迪匹兹勒拉? 对 Andy Pitzorella? Yeah.
不, 是安迪里比斯基 No, Andy Ripitski.
安迪匹兹勒拉是那个单身汉 Andy Pitzorella was Andy Blue Balls.
他结婚后，大家叫他安迪匹兹勒拉 Since he got married, they call him Andy Pitzorella.
你到底想说什么?! What's your fucking point?!
他们说他可以撬开任何保险箱 They say he can get into anything.
任何一种 Anything.
他甚至可以钻进玛丽泰切的子宫 They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy.
那很棒吗? And that's a good thing?
你扯那么远干吗? So what the fuck are you getting at?
当我和他一起混的时候, When I was in the joint with him,
他告诉我 基特伯罗达特牌保险箱是撬不开的 he told me that the Kitnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.
你他妈在胡扯是吗? Are you shittin' me?
我他妈地找到你 Are you telling me that after I propped you up,
和你一起，对那些小孩子们陪笑 held you together, smiled for all those kids,
穿着这么件灰绿色的小精灵的衣服 danced for all those fucking housewives
给那些混账的家庭主妇跳舞 in a fucking lime-green, fucking velvet elf costume,
现在你告诉我你他妈打不开这个保险箱？ that you cannot get in this fucking safe?!
你是不是这意思?! Is that what you're telling me?! Huh?!
没有，我只是说可能要花上点时间 No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute.
靠 Fuck.
妈的 Shit.
34C 34C.
[ Verdi's "Anvil Chorus ll" plays ]
[ Grunting ]
妈的! Fuck!
[ Clicking ]
[ Creaking ]
小菜一碟 Piece of cake.
我要再去拿样东西，一会儿回来 I gotta get one more thing. I'll be right back.
噢，妈的，他说要什么来着? Oh, shit. Which one did he say?
[ Gun cocks ]
黑大个应该不会要这个吧 I'll bet the store dick don't want this.
黑大个什么都不要 Store dick don't want shit.
你什么意思? What do you mean?
他死了 Store dick's dead.
什么都要不成了 Store dick don't want shit.
他死了? He's dead, huh?
我都不知道他病了 I didn't even know he was sick.
维力 Willie...
我已经受够了 this has been a long time coming.
你一年比一年要糟 一年比一年不可靠 Every year, you're worse. Every year, less reliable.
一年比一年喝得多 一年比一年混账 More booze. More bullshit.
乱搞女人 More buttfucking.
当然，我的坏毛病 Sure, the three B's.
你应该让我能信任你，维力 You gotta be able to rely, Willie.
你们两个坏蛋 You people are monsters.
我也不想这么做 There's no joy in this for me.
我不是说你要干掉我 I'm not talking about you taking me out.
那没关系 That part, I get.
但是，看看你都做了些什么 But look at all that shit.
你拿这些东西干什么? Do you really need all that shit?
上帝啊，这是圣诞节 For Christ sakes, it's Christmas.
是圣诞节, 维力 It is Christmas, Willie.
也是我们干活的时候 But this is what we do.
我们偷东西 We get the shit.
圣诞节的时候，我们偷东西 Christmastime, we get the shit.
因为我们是强盗和路易丝 Because we are men and Lois.
圣诞节, 维力 It is Christmas, Willie.
我们是强盗和路易丝 And we are men and Lois.
亲爱的，你还等什么? What you waiting for, honey?
干掉他！ Come on, plug him. [ Muttering ]
[ Sighs ]
再见, 维力 Goodbye, Willie.
-把枪放下 -嗯?! -Drop the gun. -Huh?!
[ Guns cocking ]
还有你，圣诞老人, 把那个象放下 And you, Santa, drop the elephant.
-你们怎么来的? -有人透露消息的 -Where did you come from? -Tipped off.
妈的，那个小孩 Shit, that fucking kid.
你们三个把这里搞成这样？ 真他妈不可思议 All three of you are in so much shit, it's almost unbelievable.
[ Muttering ]
马科斯, 走! Marcus, hop on!
[ Panting ]
他妈的 Fuck me.
喂，喂! Hey, hey!
[ Tires screeching ]
[ Sirens wailing ]
这是圣诞节，我要把这礼物给小家伙 This is Christmas, and the kid's getting his fucking present.
[ Slow classical piano music plays ]
停车，警察! 举起你的手! Halt, police! Put your hands up!
让你别动! 别动! I said freeze! Freeze!
-啊! -啊! -Aaaah! -Aaaah!
"亲爱的小家伙 "Dear kid,,,
希望你能收到我的礼物 I hope that you got my present
也希望礼物上没有血 and that there wasn't too much blood on it,
尽管你给我的礼物上有血 although there was blood on the present you gave me,
当然，我还是很喜欢 which didn't keep me from enjoying it,
所以我想可能有血也没什么关系" So maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess, "
“无论如何，万一他们把这礼物做为证据拿走了 "Anyway, just in case they took it as evidence,
我还送了件T恤衫给你 I'm also sending you a T-shirt,
希望大小合适" I hope it's the right size, "
"我恢复得不错, "I'm healing up good,
虽然我挨了８枪 and they tell me that I will soon be 100%,
但没有伤到什么要害器官 even with 8 bullets dug out of me,
所以他们说我很快就能康复 because they didn't hit any vital organs,
只是我的肝，不过那早就一团糟了 just my liver, which is fucked anyway,
哈哈哈 Ha ha ha,
谢谢你把信交给警察 Thank you for giving that letter to the cops,
我忘了我让你那么做了，不过你做得好 I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did
不然的话圣诞老人的小助手 就把圣诞老人给干掉了 or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass,
现在警察知道信是我写的了 Now the cops know I wrote it,
我可能就不用蹲牢房了 which is gonna keep my ass out of jail,
另外，所有人都说 That, plus everyone agreeing
菲尼克斯的警察向手无寸铁的圣诞老人开枪 that the Phoenix police shooting an unarmed Santa
所以我没事" was even more fucked up than Rodney King, "
"警方现在象接待皇室人员一样对我, "The cops are treating me like fucking royalty now,
我以前还从没碰到过 which is new in my experience,
他们想给我一份顾问的工作 They're gonna make me a sensitivity counselor
以免这样让整个警务部门 so that tragedies like this
尴尬的事情再次发生 will never again embarrass the whole fucking department,
我告诉警察你没有监护人, I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you,
所以他们让圣诞婆婆的妹妹监护你 so they set it up with Mrs, Santa's sister
直到你父亲 watching you till your dad gets back
一年又三个月的刑期满为止 in one year and three months,
他们给了他一个助理监护的职位 They made her a guardian pro tem or some such shit,
反正她也很喜欢你，你的家还有按摩浴缸 Anyway, she seems to like you and your house and Jacuzzi,
我给她寄了点钱 I sent her some money,
如果你成绩好的话 so if you play your cards right,
你可以让她给你买礼物 you can probably get her to buy you something,
至于我的小助手，很遗憾告诉你 As for my little helper, I'm sorry to have to tell you
他和他的白痴老婆 that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife
要和你父亲一起去深山探险了 are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad,
希望你父亲不会象我一样 I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them
和他们搅和在一起 Iike I did,
很快我就能出院了 They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon,
给我准备点三明治吧！ so get some sandwiches ready,
直到我出来，别老靠拿别人的 Until then, don't take no shit from nobody,
要自强自立 Ieast of all yourself,
呵呵呵 Ho ho ho,
你的朋友，圣诞老人" Your pal, Santa, "
喂，衰鬼 Hey, loser.
听说你的朋友不在这儿保护你了 I hear your buddy's not here to protect you anymore.
看来，你给我买了一辆新车 See you got me a new bike.
多谢了 Thanks a lot.
和你说话呢，肥猪! I'm talking to you, fat-ass!
啊! Aaah!
[ Bizet's "March of the Toreadors" plays ]
[ Bizet's "Habanera" plays ]
[ Bunnygrunt's "Seasons Freaklings" plays ]
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
# Making my friends out of snow #
# It's Christmas, and I'm all alone #
# But it won't bring me down #
# 'Cause Christmas cheer is all around #
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
# Santa Claus is flying high across the frosty winter sky #
# I'm gonna find him and my toys #
# He's in a band that just makes noise #
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
# And it wouldn't be Christmas without you #
# Can't fool me, I know it's true #
# Merry Christmas, merry la la la #
[ Swag Music Group's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" plays ]
# Christmas #
# The snow's coming down #
# Christmas #
# I'm watching it fall #
# Christmas #
# Watching the people around #
# Christmas #
# Baby, please come home #
# They're singing "Deck the Halls" #
# But it's not like Christmas at all #
# I remember when you were here #
# And all the fun we had last year #
- # Baby, please come home # - # Christmas #
- # Ohhhhh # - # Christmas #
- # Baby, please come home # - # Christmas #
- # Baby # - # Christmas #