[dog barking]
Abner!
- [barks] - Abner!
Leave that cat alone, you silly dog!
Hi, Sophie!
Hi, Chad.
So what's going on up there?
Oh, nothing. Can I walk with you to school?
Sure. Isn't it your birthday today?
Yeah. You remembered?
Well, you told me yesterday.
Oh.
Well, Happy Birthday.
You picked a great day for it.
The sky is so blue today.
Well, actually, the sky isn't blue.
It's the way the sunlight looks in the earth's atmosphere.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, the sunlight is different waves,
and each wave is a different color,
and we see blue when the white light is scattered
by air molecules.
Wow. You really know a lot.
Yeah, well, we learned it in class.
Well, we're studying dinosaurs right now.
Yeah. Dinosaurs are so cool.
Chad?
Is anything wrong?
No. Everything is fine. Yes.
You're pretty smart, aren't you?
Yeah, Chad's a regular Einstein.
A real brainiac.
He should be teaching science instead of Mr. Schultz.
Right, Chad?
Hi, Kevin. Hi, Josh.
Hey.
You're dating the brainiac, Sophie?
We're just talking.
Lay off, Chad. It's his birthday.
Oh, you hear that, guys?
It's Chad's birthday.
You know what, Chad?
I am so sorry.
Let me guess. You're 13, right?
That's right.
[laughter]
13's a really unlucky number.
You better be real careful today.
Sorry about the books, Chad.
Come on, Sophie. We'll take you to school.
You don't want to be seen with a dweeb like Chad.
People will start to talk.
One of these days...
Q-96 is stabilized, ma'am.
Good. Put it with the P-67 prototype.
We've gotta take good care of these.
You got that right, Jackie.
Schedule the sterilization, gentlemen.
That means lunch.
You got 35 minutes.
Oh, my God. Look!
[laughing] It's Old Man Jenkins!
He sure is movin' slow today.
I wonder why they still keep him around.
He can barely lift a waste paper basket.
He may not have the muscle, but he's got seniority.
Don't you mean senility?
Don't be so callous, Ed.
We'll all be old someday.
Speak for yourself.
You're on break, Johnson.
You go in 30, Hayes.
Wow. Guess that old geezer moves a little faster than we thought.
[alarm blaring]
Hey, check this out.
Is that Jenkins?
Has he lost his mind?
Code red! Code red! Go, guys, go.
[alarm blaring]
- Where'd he go? - Don't know!
- Hey! - Hey! Stop!
Hey! Stop!
Hey, come on!
Get back here!
He's in the east corridor.
I'm coming with you.
[alarm blaring]
Hey, hold it, buddy!
Ow!
Hey!
Come on, let's go!
Oh, right!
[engine starts]
Where'd they go?
Probably gonna switch cars.
[chuckles]
It was like taking candy from a baby.
Wh-Where did you find candy in there?
What?
You said you took candy from a baby.
I don't understand how there'd be candy and an infant
inside a government laboratory.
Would you just shut up and pull in over there.
Fine.
Man, I was a good Jenkins.
I should've been an actor.
All right, I'll stash the stuff. You find a new set of wheels.
All right, will do.
[grunts]
They couldn't just have vanished into thin air.
They're around here somewhere. Pull over.
Welcome to Toy Wonder Shack, where all your dreams come true.
- Oh! - I'm sorry. My bad.
I wasn't watching where I was going.
Can you help me?
I forgot my son's birthday.
I mean, I forgot it until my wife reminded me of it
20 minutes ago.
You're the expert.
What does a 13-year-old boy want?
A 13-year-old girl.
Yeah--
[clears throat]
I don't know, mister.
I think it kind of depends on the kid.
His birthday's now. Like today.
I have to buy him the best present ever.
Something really special.
I bet this place goes crazy at Christmas.
I mean, how often does a kid turn 13?
Science.
Science! My boy Chad loves science.
Do you have any science toys?
Near the back.
Thanks.
[engine starts]
[laughs]
Can you go ahead--
Sorry, buddy! That's my chemistry set.
I think you're mistaken. I just bought it for my son.
Why don't you get another one?
I can't. It's the last one in the store.
Well, I'm sorry, but this one is mine.
Hey, hey, easy, easy, guys. This is a toy store.
Hey, you stay out of it, buddy.
Um... you know what?
I couldn't help but overhear. You got a kid, right?
Yeah. Today's his birthday, and I'm running late,
so if you'll excuse me.
Well, uh, buddy, um...
I got a kid, too.
Uh, little Janey. She's so cute.
- And she loves chemistry. - Ha.
And...
you don't wanna break a little girl's heart, now, do you?
No, I-- But you can buy her something else.
You know what? I can't because she wants this chemistry set.
So...
Look, I don't wanna have to say this, but...
she's injured.
She crashed a car.
Your little girl was driving a car?
She was hitchhiking.
- Oh. - Oh.
- Yeah. - I'm sorry.
Mm.
Well, best of luck to you and Janey.
Who?
Your little hitchhiking girl.
Right, right. Um... Hey, you know what?
You know what I loved when I was a kid? Money.
Right? Who didn't love money?
I bet your son would love some cold, hard cash
for his birthday.
Right? And then he could buy whatever he wants.
So what'd you pay for that? What, 20 bucks?
I will give you 50.
What am I sayin'?
How about 100?
- Yeah! - All right!
How about 150?
Um...
Will you take a check?
No.
Give me that chemistry set!
Um, um-- [laughs]
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Can you giftwrap that for me?
You got it.
Kane. It's me.
Did you get the wheels?
Good. Meet me on the corner of Third.
Near that place.
All right.
There's nobody in here.
Let's go. We gotta keep looking.
Come on.
- Where's the stuff? - Shut up.
[phone rings]
[ring]
Um, hello, Mr. Denning.
Mr. Murdoch! Haven't heard anything from you today.
I was starting to get worried.
Yeah, sir, there's been a little complication.
You do have the vials, don't you?
Well, there's-- it's--
I know where they are. They're in a toy store.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Let me just say I need those vials by tomorrow
in order to make a very important delivery.
I would hate to be disappointed.
I understand, and I will not disappoint you.
Make sure that you don't.
So, Murdoch, we're gonna buy a toy?
Yeah! Yeah, we're getting a toy.
Yeah!
Wanna know what it's called?
A bag o' fist.
You want some?
You're so sensitive.
So what are we doing?
We're waiting.
Oh, right, right!
Waiting for what?
Waiting for this guy to come out of the store.
We're gonna follow him home
and grab the toy chemistry set from him.
Cool. So we are getting a toy.
Yeah, yeah.
- I forgot to give you this. - Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. - What do you got--
There it is!
Now shut up!
There he is. Let's go!
Okay, yeah.
- Seriously? - Safety first.
- Let's go! - All right!
[engine starts]
Hey, Chad. How's your birthday so far?
Okay, I guess.
Well, that's good.
What do you say we make dinner before your mom gets home?
- Okay. - Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, sir, both vials of serum.
Q-96 and P-67 are missing.
The thief knew exactly what they were looking for and where.
Yes, I do understand.
Oh, Charlie, this is serious.
And I've been cleared to tell you just how serious.
All right, shoot.
We've been developing Q-96 and P-67
for international espionage and infiltration.
The formulas are multilinguistic intelligence
and concealment enhancers.
What's that in English?
That's all I can tell you.
Value on the international market?
Priceless.
Have your team here come up with anything?
No. We've run trace DNA,
fingerprints, voice recognition.
We got zip.
Can anyone from Washington be sent down to help us?
The operation's confined to this team.
Outside of Washington, we're the only ones
who knows these chemicals even exist,
and they want us to keep it that way.
It's a little late for that.
So where do we go from here?
Try to pick up the trail.
Looks like the gang's all here.
We're up against a gang?
Just watch the house.
Hi, honey. Sorry I'm late.
Work was crazy.
No worries. Timing is everything.
That sounds good.
My mother always told me to marry a man who could cook.
I don't know if this actually qualifies as cooking,
but it is hot, and there's a lot of it.
So where's our birthday boy?
I don't know. I think he's, uh, he's around here someplace.
[barks]
[growls] Right on cue.
Hi, Mom.
Happy Birthday!
- How's your day been? - Better now.
Good. If you've been playing with that dog,
you better wash your hands for dinner.
All right, Mom.
Where your Aunt Ida?
Oh, she's in the den, watching TV.
Judge Joanie?
MMA.
Oh, dear.
I'll go get her. Do you need any help?
No. I got it all covered.
Hands, young man.
Ed, I have always admired that lovely rubber tree plant.
Thank you.
It's a ficus tree, Aunt Ida.
Well, of course it is. Even the dog knows that.
[sniffs]
Oh! It has such a lovely smell.
Kinda like a rainforest.
It's an artificial tree.
Uh, those are my favorite, Karen.
Sharon. My name is Sharon.
Hey, what'd I tell you about feeding Abner scraps
from the table?
Oh, let Abner eat.
It's his birthday, for heaven's sake.
Abner's the dog, Aunt Ida.
Oh, well, you better not let him near that rubber tree plant.
Ficus!
Gesundheit!
It's time to reconnoiter.
Re-con-what, sir?
We're gonna take a look-see.
Look-see? I don't, uh--
- Just follow me. - Right.
Hmm.
Well, you certainly have some lovely neighbors.
Oh, have you seen 'em?
I have now.
You're growing up so fast, Chad.
I'm a teenager now.
Oh, don't say that!
You are still my baby!
Mom, you're embarrassing me.
Oh, I don't care.
Happy Birthday, Chad!
Well, have you thought of a wish?
Not yet. Give me a second.
I have something special I want to give you
for your birthday, Chad.
Chad?
Chad!
- Oh. - The candles?
Oh, right.
Happy Birthday, son.
Happy Birthday.
Thanks, Mom.
What's this?
Oh, boy!
Socks?
And new pajamas.
Oh, wow. I mean, great.
When you're older, you'll appreciate having new clothes.
Dad doesn't.
Well, your father's a special case,
but I haven't given up hope on him.
Happy Birthday, Abner.
Uh, thanks.
Hey! I've been looking for those!
Where'd you find 'em?
Why don't you open the one that I got for you.
Gee, thanks, Dad.
Svengoolie's Mad Lab Chemistry Set!
That's totally awesome!
I had to tackle a team of gomers to get it for you.
I figured you'd really like it.
A box of dangerous chemicals. Really, Ned?
What are you thinking?
It's perfectly safe.
If anything, Chad's probably too old for it.
No, I'm not. This is awesome!
Can I check it out now?
Sure! I mean--
[clears throat] Sure...
if your mother says that it's okay.
All right!
We can save your cake for later.
Gee, thanks, Mom.
Come on, Abner!
A chemistry set?
How do you know he's not gonna burn the house down?
Oh, it's perfectly fine.
I had one when I was a kid, right, Aunt Ida?
That's right, George.
[blows nose]
And I'm sure that turned out swell.
Come on, come on.
Come on, boy.
I snuck one more snack for you.
Whoa. Look at all this stuff, Abner.
Sulfur.
I bet that's for making stink bombs.
[barks]
Wonder what this is.
"C-H-3-C-O-2-H."
Vinegar.
"Q-96."
"P-67."
Never heard of 'em.
What do you think?
We need some instructions.
Oh, here we go.
This isn't helping.
Half of it's in Chinese, and half of it's in English.
It's all messed up.
I-I mean, I guess it couldn't hurt.
[grunting]
[barks]
Okay, Abner, not now.
It's hard enough reading this
without you breathing down my neck.
[barks]
It says it's supposed to taste like cotton candy.
Well, it's starting to smell pretty good.
Not exactly cotton candy, but--
[barks]
All right, here, smell it.
Whoa! Abner!
You're just supposed to sniff it.
What's going on in there?
Why don't I get to see?
Because I'm the brains, and you're the bruin.
Ohh!
[knocking]
Chad, do you want to cut your cake now?
Uh, that's okay, Mom.
Can I do it later? I'm kind of busy.
Okay. Just don't blow us all to smithereens.
Give me a break.
Mom, they wouldn't really put anything dangerous
in a kid's chemistry set, right?
Don't be too sure.
Oh. Don't forget.
We're driving your Aunt Ida back to Fetal Acres in the morning.
Do I have to go?
Yes. We all have to go.
All right, Mom.
Boy, Abner, I sure hope that was safe to drink.
I mean, it's got to be, right?
I wonder what it says in the manual.
Can't even make heads or tails of this.
I can make tails of it. And you're right.
It is Chinese. Egg rolls and all.
And this so-called English translation is very amateurish.
Wait. What?
I would guess Taiwanese.
Yes, definitely Taiwanese.
Abner, you're talking!
Oh, you're quick, kid. Real quick!
I'm impressed.
Ah!
What? What?
Will you get out of the way?
[grunts]
Aah!
There's no way this could be happening.
You don't just whip up a cotton candy formula
out of a dime store chemistry set
and your dog starts talking.
Obviously. There's a lot more to this than meets the eye.
Chad, I mean, you're not exactly a rocket scientist, are you?
- I mean, no offense. - None taken.
Wait a minute.
See, I hit my head today when a bully pushed me.
You're not a talking dog.
You're just a whacked-out hallucination.
Whacked-out? I think I've just been insulted.
Abner, you are not a talking dog.
Have it your way.
Mom! Dad!
What's wrong, son?
Poison gas.
I smell poison gas.
Ned, it's that chemistry set.
No! It's Abner.
I smell cotton candy and vinegar.
My baby.
Are you all right? Speak to me.
You're crushing me, Mom.
I'm fine.
It's Abner. He--
Oh, son.
It is not uncommon for a dog
to let loose a little gas every now and then.
That, my friend, is exactly why we do not
feed him people food from the table.
That is wicked.
No, it's not gas.
I created this formula, and Abner drank it,
and now he can talk.
Mmm.
- Abner can talk. - Oh.
[chuckles] Well, trust me, honey,
the only talking that Abner's doing is out of his butt.
He can read Chinese, too.
- Show him, boy. - [farts]
Actions speak louder than words.
No, but he does talk.
Abner, please, just speak. Speak!
- [barks] - [farts]
All right, very funny, young man.
No. Maybe he's just a little shy.
I've had about enough of this!
One more sound out of either of you,
and you're grounded.
But, Mom!
Chad, I'm surprised at you, son.
No more jokes.
And no more science experiments, okay?
We have an early day tomorrow, and it's time for bed.
Lights out in 10 minutes, mister.
And open a window, will ya?
You know, for a minute there I really thought you could talk.
I really believed you were smart.
Smart enough to know when I keep my mouth shut.
You should try it sometime, Chad.
But why didn't you say anything to my parents?
Now they think I'm some sort of practical joker.
Ah, they'll get over it. You're a kid.
You're expected to do dumb stuff.
But a talking dog?
No one's expecting that.
- Yeah? - Yes.
What do you think's gonna happen to me
if anyone finds out about this?
I don't know.
You'll get your own reality TV show?
Worse than that. They'll take me away for sure.
And you and me would probably never see each other again.
- Oh, wow. - Yeah, wow.
So put your smart pants on and let's agree:
Mum's the word, right?
Right.
Trust me,
you ain't gonna believe what I just seen.
Try me.
Th-The dog...
He can talk.
Dog?
[chuckles] What dog?
- The boy's dog. - What boy?
The boy with the chemistry set.
What chemistry set?
The chemistry set that I stashed the two vials in
that we stole.
Ah, I see.
Now, did this talking dog drink any of the formula?
Yes, sir.
All right.
Now, did this talking dog also drink the other vial as well?
Uh, I don't think so, no.
Good, good, good, good.
So this is what we're gonna do.
Since one vial is already gone,
you and Mr. Kane are gonna kidnap the talking dog
so that we can analyze it and hopefully recreate
the formula that you two idiots so foolishly let get away.
Right. All right.
What are we gonna do with the dog once you're done with it?
Sadly we'll have to put the dog down
so we can properly analyze it.
There's just no other way.
You will also acquire the remaining vial,
and you will bring it to me.
Now, uh...
this boy with the dog,
is he home... alone?
Unfortunately his parents are around.
All right.
Watch the house until the parents go out
and then initiate the plan.
Right. What plan?
The plan we just discussed!
Right, of course, Boss.
Yeah, I mean, he just said the--
I was just thinking about the dog, you know?
What, are you afraid of dogs?
- Uh, no. - Good.
Now, fetch!
Right, Boss.
Glad we had this talk.
[snoring]
All right, your turn.
[snores]
[chuckling]
- Come on. - [snoring]
- [snores] - There you go!
[coughing] What'd you do that for?
Your turn to watch the house.
Hey, look, there's some melted cheese stuck on this.
You're disgusting.
[knocking]
Rise and shine, son.
Remember, we gotta take Aunt Ida to the home today.
Oh. I just remembered.
I have a science project that's due first thing Monday morning.
Hmm. And you just now remembered.
Well, yeah, I guess with all the birthday excitement,
it must have slipped my mind.
I don't like the sound of this,
but I'll see if I can convince your mom
to let you stay home and work on your project.
Gee, thanks.
Well, you are 13.
I think you're old enough to take care of yourself,
for a few hours anyway.
Don't forget, if you need anything,
give us a call.
I sure will, Dad.
And thanks for trusting me.
Oh, and, Dad?
Yeah, son.
Sorry about last night.
You know, the talking dog stuff and all.
It's okay, Chad.
You're a kid.
You're expected to do dumb stuff.
That's just what he said.
Who?
Just some guy on TV.
See ya later, champ.
I think you handled that very well.
I'm proud of you.
Well, what do we do now?
- [farts] - Did you just--
Hey, if you're smart, you'll let me go outside.
It's been a long night, you know.
Oh, right, yeah. Well, come on.
[horn honks]
Ooh...
So this is where they beat us.
Well, maybe somebody saw them.
We should canvass the area.
All right, but I have to call the director first.
Okay, but if anybody's asking,
tell 'em I'm doing a bang-up job, okay?
[line ringing]
Good morning, Jackie.
Good morning, sir.
We've located their vehicle.
I think the thieves probably took off on foot.
Now, we are searching the immediate area,
but I don't think we're gonna find them here.
At best, maybe someone can identify them
or maybe there was a security camera
that got a clean image we can use.
I'll call you as soon as I learn anything.
- You do that. - Oh, and, sir?
Charlie's doing a really bang-up job.
No one's asking, Jackie.
Right.
I tell ya, Fred, you'll never get a girl
driving around in a crappy-looking car like that.
I already have a girl, Aunt Ida.
Well, you'll never get rid of her
driving around in a crappy-looking car like that.
I call shotgun.
Murdoch. Murdoch.
- Murdoch! - What? What? What?
You told me to wake you up when the family left.
Oh.
Good boy, Kane.
[engine starts]
Come on.
Tell me again. Why are we doing this?
Obviously we have something far more advanced
than your dad ever bargained for.
We might be wise to discover exactly what it is.
Well, what if it turns you into a monster or something?
This is powerful stuff.
It certainly does pack a little bang for your buck at 29.99.
That's amazing. How do you know how much it costs?
I have psychic powers.
Wow!
That, and your dad left the price tag on it.
Oh. Right.
Are you sure you wanna try this?
[sniffs] Phew!
Smells like the butt of that Scottish Terrier
down the street.
Is that bad?
Well, not exactly. Bottom's up.
Not terrible.
How do you feel?
[burps] Sorry!
You're excused.
Ooh. My stomach's a little upset.
I think I'm gonna need to eat some grass.
I feel like I'm fading fast, kid.
Abner, you just turned invisible!
Wha--
Whazza--
- Am I dreaming? - Can't be.
Would you just shh!
Shh.
Wow! That's some birthday gift you got there.
This is all starting to get very, very weird.
Oh, now it's starting to get weird. Really? Now?
And you're not helping, either.
Well, what do you expect me to do?
I don't know. I need to think.
Well, well, well! What have we here?
Aah!
Don't touch, you--
- We gotta get outta here. - Right, let's go.
Come on!
Come on, Chad. Get this thing off me.
It sure would make me feel better
if you kept your dog collar on.
Like that wouldn't attract any attention.
Relax, kid. Everything's fine.
All right, but this makes me very nervous.
Look, I'm not just some dumb dog anymore, all right?
I'm as smart as you are, so lay off the--
- [cat meows] - Oh!
Did someone just say cat? Gotta go!
Abner, no!
Wait!
[barking]
[cat meows]
Abner! Abner! Come here!
Abner, you just turned visible again, then invisible.
How did you do that?
I don't know. I had my mind on more important things.
Well, do it again.
[grunting] Yeah, got nothing.
- That was freaky. - Yeah.
And the cat got away, too.
What's up with that?
First I thought you were all smart and civilized,
but you're still chasing after cats.
Cats would be running the world if it wasn't for guys like me.
You can't ever let your guard down.
Really? Cats?
Oh, yeah! Cats!
Don't blow it, Chad.
- What? - Don't blow it.
If those two jerks Josh and Kevin show up again,
stand up to them.
Don't be such a weenie.
All right.
Hi, Chad.
Hello, Sophie.
How was your birthday?
Great.
What are we gonna tell the boss?
[phone ringing]
- It's the boss. - Yeah.
Hey, Boss, I was just about to call you.
Um, no, the vial is empty,
and we don't see the talking dog.
No, he's here, all right. We just don't... see him.
He's a see-through pooch.
What are you two nimrods hanging around for?
Yeah, that's right.
The dog drank the other vial, and then...
he went invisible.
Like in the movies.
No, no, no. We were all set to kidnap the dog,
but that's when he kinda went invisible on us.
You two were gonna kidnap me. You gotta be dreaming.
- You and what army? - The kid?
He's not gonna be a problem.
And as far as this mangy mutt,
all we gotta do is find out exactly where he is,
and then we'll grab him. No problem.
Oh, you just wanted to know where I am?
Well, why didn't you say so?
We're gonna get that fleabag.
No, it's just an expression, Boss.
Uh, Murdoch?
- Would you shut up? - No--
Wet marks the spot.
No, not you, Boss. I would never--
Yeah, no problem. We're on our way.
The boss wants to see us.
You might wanna change your pants.
Why?
What did you do to me?
No, it wasn't me.
Heh heh heh heh!
Ow!
- Get in the car! - All right.
I'm really sorry about yesterday.
Josh and Kevin are real jerks.
Then why do you hang out with them?
I don't hang out with them.
Well, not really.
I just don't wanna make them mad.
Can we talk about something else?
Oh, yeah, sure.
So I was thinking about what you said about the sky
and why it looks so blue.
Well, I looked it up online, and you were right.
But I already knew you would be.
Well, I've been interested in science and all that stuff
for a long time already.
Oh, I also learned something else that's really cool.
Did you know that moonlight doesn't exist?
It's just sunlight reflected off the moon,
like a giant mirror.
You don't say.
Mm-hmm.
Well, not like a mirror-mirror
because it takes sunlight over eight minutes
just to reach the earth.
So if the sun burned out,
we wouldn't know for another eight minutes?
Yeah! And then we'd all be dead! Isn't that cool?
It is! That's the coolest thing I've ever heard.
Well, I gotta get going.
It was nice talking to you, Chad.
Who would've thought she was as big a dork as you?
Shut up. She'll hear you.
Chad, buddy, we might have a little problem.
Oh, really? Just one?
Yeah. Let's get inside, and I'll tell you about it.
Why don't you lock that?
What's gotten into you?
While you were striking out with the homecoming queen,
I happened to overhear those two plotting to kidnap me.
Kidnap you? No way.
Oh, way. I think it has something to do
with those chemicals of yours I drank.
Oh, Abner, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
Ah, don't worry about, kid.
Those morons couldn't catch a cold.
Besides, there's things out there a lot more dangerous.
- Trust me. - I'll bet.
Yeah! Anyone ever threaten to have you fixed?
That's one word that sends a shiver
down the bones of every canine.
- No kidding. - And besides,
there's this drop-dead gorgeous Afghan one block over
that I've been dying to sneak up on.
Really? I would've never guessed.
The one with the long, silky hair?
She's on my radar, pal. She's on it.
Okay, cool your jets, Abner. All we have to do now is
wait for Mom and Dad to get home.
Cool. Hey, what's on TV?
Uh-huh. [giggles]
[talking softly]
[laughter]
Afternoon, Mr. Denning.
Ah, gentlemen, gentlemen! Please sit down, sit down.
Baby, these are my close associates.
Murdoch, Candi.
Candi, Kane.
Candy cane?
A pleasure, I'm sure.
Do they call you Candi 'cause you're so sweet?
[laughs] No, silly. They call me Candi
'cause too much of me will rot your teeth.
Ha!
Can I get you boys anything to drink?
- Oh, yeah. - Mickey, two iced teas.
Okay.
Now, as you can imagine,
I am less than thrilled with your lack of progress.
But then I realize it's been my own fault.
Boys, accept my deepest apology.
Of course, Boss, yeah, sure, anytime.
Yeah, yeah, we all make mistakes, right?
Right.
You both are like brothers to me. Truly.
And I want you to succeed, and I want you to make me proud.
- [squirts] - Ohh!
And the reason I believe you have failed me so miserably
is because I haven't given you the proper tools to work with.
- Mm. - Aah! Aah!
So I'm gonna rectify that situation right now.
Look closely. Pay particular attention.
This is an electronic jamming device.
It delivers a microwave burst
that disables all cell phone signals
within a five-block radius.
Wow. Look at that.
Would you-- It's delicate!
[clears throat]
Sorry, Boss.
Now, listen. The only downside,
the effect only lasts for 30 minutes,
but that should be ample enough time
to get into the house and locate me what I desire
because if you don't,
I'm gonna find two new brothers.
Well, uh, how-- how do we get in?
Be clever... if you can.
Try thinking outside the box.
May I suggest, um, a little disguise?
Oh! I love disguises!
- You do? - Yes!
Why don't you impersonate some kind of servicemen?
Oh! Like pretend to be soldiers!
No, you numbskull.
He's talking about dressing up like repairmen.
Exactly.
- See? - Now...
you both know what to do, so you should go do it.
And, gentlemen, thank you for taking time
out of your obviously very, very busy day.
Of course, Boss, anytime. Anytime at all.
Uh, pleasure meeting you, miss.
Likewise, I'm sure.
- Come on! - Jeez!
We'll see you later, Boss,
So what do you think? Cowboys and Indians?
I'll be Pocahontas.
Ooh. I'll be Crazy Horse.
Mom says you're not supposed to be on the couch.
Oh, please. I'm not supposed to be on the couch?
No one's home. Who cares?
What are you looking for?
Stupid cable guide.
70 channels and still nothing worth watching.
Oh, maybe we can get Animal Channel.
We can even catch Puppies in Purgatory.
I was hoping to find The Hound of the Baskervilles.
That one's always good for a laugh.
[chewing]
There's gotta be something decent on.
Let me flip through the channels again.
You just did that. I tell you, people are so weird.
What do you mean?
You all just do weird things, that's all.
- Such as? - Such as ripping a big fart
at the dinner table and blaming it on the dog.
"The dog did it!" It's always the dog!
Come on, last Thanksgiving,
everyone knows it was Aunt Ida clearing the runway.
[farts]
Yeah, and who is it this time?
Well, okay, that one's on me,
but the exception proves the rule.
Uh-huh.
[clicks]
[weird sci-fi music]
Hey, it's The Creature from Galaxy 7.
Ooh! Leave this one on. I like it.
There.
- Yeah. - Good, good.
That's funny.
I wonder why we lost the signal.
Beats me. I'm gonna wash down this popcorn
with some nice, cold water.
You going to drink out of the toilet again, aren't you?
Don't knock it till you tried it, kid.
Yeah, I'll take your word for it.
Stop it!
I wonder who that is.
I think I know.
Can I help you?
Uh, cable guys.
We're doing a little scheduled work
on the lines in your neighborhood.
Let me ask you, are you getting a signal?
Well, we were, but not anymore.
Good!
What's going on?
Cable guys. Some sort of scheduled maintenance.
Get real. Cable guys never,
and I mean never show up when they're scheduled to.
Now that you mention it...
You know what? Would you just let us come in,
and we can get fix it right away, real fast.
You'd like that, wouldn't you, kid?
I sure would.
Stranger danger.
But I can't.
You'll have to wait till my folks get home.
Can you at least just sign the work order
so we can reschedule?
I guess so.
Don't let 'em in! [growls]
[barking]
Lock the door! Lock the door!
Ow!
Please tell me you didn't just cripple the cable guy.
Why did you do that?
My super Fido senses told me something fishy was going on.
- Really? - Yeah.
Those are the two guys I overheard outside
plotting to do a little dog-napping.
You mean those two cable guys were phonies?
Let's find out what's going on. Follow my voice.
Okay.
- [thump] - Whoops! Sorry.
Look! It's the Two Stooges.
What are they doing?
Sorry, chum, I can't read lips.
[no audible dialogue]
What are we gonna do, call the cops?
Well, they haven't actually done anything yet.
I think it's time to do a little spying.
Let me sneak out the back door, and I'll check 'em out.
- Let me ask you. What's this? - I don't know.
That! You know what? Get over there!
Are you gonna call the boss and tell him we can't get in?
- Not on your life. - Right.
I don't want to be one of the boss's ex-brothers.
Me neither.
Now, let's retrace our steps.
First, we stole the top secret chemicals
from that government lab.
Right.
Then that kid gets 'em,
and they're gobbled up by that goofy dog.
Goofy? Who are you calling goofy?
- What'd you say? - What?
- Huh? - Who?
- What? - Shut up!
I'm thinking third, we break into the house,
kidnap the dog, bring him back to the boss
so we can analyze his blood.
Yeah, see, that's the part I don't like.
I don't like that they gotta put the dog down
so they can analyze it. I like dogs.
Yeah, me, too, but who's gonna tell that to the boss?
You?
Not me.
Hey, look out behind you!
Ohh! Something just bit my butt!
- It's the dog! - What?
- Grab him! - Grab him? Where?
Over here!
- Whoa! - Over there!
Coming through, boys!
- Stumblebums! - There he is!
I've always said the paw is quicker than the eye.
Ahh...
The trouble with you guys is you're just not dog people.
Watch it, fellas.
You might just step in something. Hee hee!
Here. Let me give you a little leg up.
- [chomp] - Aah! Aah!
There he is!
Uh-oh!
Chad! Chad! Let me in!
- Come on, come on! - Quick! Close it!
They almost got you when you turned visible again.
You think that stuff is unstable?
Maybe it was never stable to begin with.
Maybe, but either way, that was a close call.
I knew something was up with those guys.
They want to analyze my blood
so they can recreate the formula.
- Can they really do that? - I don't know,
but they're prepared to find out the hard way.
Well, I've had enough of this. Come on!
Figures. They cut the phone line.
Phone repairmen?
They're the ones that aren't smart enough to be cable guys!
Dad keeps a second cell phone in his bedroom for emergencies.
I'll call the cops.
First, let's split up and lock all the windows and doors.
You know, Abner, you're invisible.
You could just slip right past them and get help,
and no one would blame you for running away.
Run away and leave you alone?
Ain't happening, pal. This home is my castle, too.
I can hold them off.
Chad, what kind of family dog would I be
if I ran out at the first sign of trouble?
The dog always runs off for help in the old TV shows.
Yeah, well, that's because those dogs can't talk.
It's not like little Timmy's fallen in the well or anything.
All right. I'll take the upstairs and get Dad's phone.
I'll try to lock the windows downstairs.
- But you know what, Chad? - What?
A dog would give everything he had for a pair of thumbs.
All right, let's use this gizmo
so the kid can't call for help.
I remember! We jam the cell phones. Yeah!
Hey, how does it work again?
- Microwaves. - Microwaves.
It says here, "Properly ground yourself before usage."
Remember the boss saying anything about that?
Yeah, he said we-- And then-- Yeah, I don't remember.
- Ah, whatever. Let's go. - Let's do it.
Okay, first I'll call the cops, and then I'll call my dad.
Tell 'em to bring a female K-9 unit.
Something cute and not too German.
I'll ask.
All right, let's give this thing a go.
- Yike! - Murdoch!
Something wrong?
It says no signal.
That thing about the grounding?
Yeah?
I don't think we did that part right.
Nice place you got up here, Ted.
So close to the beach.
How can you afford it on what you make?
This is your place, Aunt Ida. We don't live here with you.
Oh, no, dear, you can't stay here with me.
No. It's about time you stood on your own two feet.
Besides, I don't have the room.
Ooh. Seems I've seen that car before.
Hmm.
Maybe we're being followed.
Well, we'll see you in a couple weeks, Aunt Ida.
Well, I'll have to check my schedule.
They keep me very busy here, you know.
Oh, hello, handsome.
Beach party tonight?
Clothing optional?
It's time for your massage.
Did you call Chad, see how he's doing?
I called him from the rest stop. Couldn't get through, though.
You did remember to charge the battery on the phone?
I think so. Oh, relax, honey.
Chad's just fine.
He's probably working on some science experiment.
He's having the time of his life.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Come on, Abner.
Right behind you, Chad.
We gotta keep those creeps from getting in here.
From now on, this room is our command center.
Check.
I will be the commanding officer,
and you will be my loyal foot soldier.
Why do you get to be the commander?
Because I'm older than you.
You're only three years old.
That's 21 in dog years. Do the math, kid.
All right. So what's the battle plan?
Better living through chemistry.
Better for us. For them, well, not so much.
Well, chemistry really wasn't my best subject.
Can't we just hit 'em with a garbage can?
[sniffing]
Hey, somebody's barbecuing.
Yeah, it's us.
All right, let's go.
"Burnt to a Cinder" hot sauce and chili peppers?
Are we trying to disable them or are we trying to kill them?
Both!
Okay, then.
[meowing]
Cat! Did that sound like a cat? Sounded like a cat out there.
Meow!
Easy, Abner. There'll be plenty of time for cats later.
[meowing]
Cat! That's right, go ahead!
Taunt me, thing of evil!
[barking]
Deep breaths! Be cool, baby. Be cool.
Welcome to Toy Wonder Shack, where all your dreams come true.
How can I help you?
Mind if we have a look around?
It's a toy store.
People are supposed to look around.
Thanks.
Anything unusual happen last night? Anything at all?
Look, sister, I may be a 30-year-old man
stuck behind the register in a toy store,
but in my mind, I'm on a beach in Cabo.
You know what I mean?
Hey, Jackie, we got something.
Between the hours of 4:00 and 6:00 last night,
what did you sell?
Let me check yesterday's card transactions.
Yeah, please.
[tapping keyboard]
There you go. One sale.
Somebody bought a kid's chemistry set.
We can check that card number. Give me two minutes.
Yeah, great. Get on it.
You know what?
I remember now.
Two guys wanted the same chemistry set,
and they, like, started fighting over it.
Two grown men fighting over a toy?
Happens all the time.
- Keep a lookout. - I am! Don't...
You mind?
[chuckles]
[doorknob jiggling]
Ow! Ah!
God--
[chuckles]
Go.
D'oh!
We're gonna use the element of surprise.
Okay.
You go that way.
Yes.
[squeaks]
- Hello, boys. - What was that?
That is the element of surprise.
A lot of good that's gonna do you.
'cause we got the M-17... this thing!
And it jams your cell phones, so you can't call for help.
You hear that, you invisible mutt, huh?
You might as well just give yourself up
and come along quietly.
Yeah.
Oh, I don't do anything quietly.
I'll give you a message.
- Cop that. - Hey!
[chomp, growls]
Hah! I'll give you a leg up!
- Eh? How'd you like that? - [screaming]
Spinning!
What's the matter? Can't pull your own weight?
[screaming]
Stop!
Murdoch!
Oww!
I'm not done with you, either, yet, hairy face!
[screaming] He's got me!
Grab him! Grab him!
Oh, no, you don't.
- Where'd it go? - Miss me? Ha ha ha!
Maybe you two should consider a career shift.
You know, something that suits your talents more,
like an entry-level position at Banquet in a Burrito.
Hey, look, it's the kid.
I can see it's the kid. I have eyes.
Hey, kid. [laughs]
We don't want to hurt you. We just want the dog.
Yeah. Just give him to us, and we'll leave!
How about I give you these instead?
You wouldn't want to do that, would you?
I mean, you're-- We're all in the same room.
That would just be dumb.
Well, I'm a kid, and...
I'm kinda supposed to do dumb things.
[screaming]
Aah! Smells awful!
It's like a 20 megaton fart!
Isn't it awesome?
Ow, my eyes are burning!
I know!
Aah! I can't see anything!
- Come on, Abner, run! - Running!
Where is the dog?
Oh, I got him! I got the dog!
That's me, you idiot!
Now I really wanna hurt that kid.
You go this way. I'll go that way.
Right.
Ugh. Eww.
Hello!
Chad?
Anybody home?
[squeaks]
[laughs] Now, ain't this just perfection?
I don't want to make you mad or anything, Murdoch,
but that ain't the dog.
I know, you idiot.
It ain't even a little boy.
- [muffled scream] - Would you-- Shh!
Would you just shut up?
Hey, kid!
Come on out!
- [muffled scream] - Shh!
I got your girlfriend!
[laughs]
We finally got a break.
Yeah. For once I don't mind facing the director.
Did you tell him I'm doing a bang-up job?
I did.
- So what'd he say? - Oh, you know how he is.
He's not exactly effusive with his praise.
But he's pleased with my performance, right?
Uh...
Charlie, he said that you are the most awesome security chief
he's ever known in all of his years in government service.
Wow. He really said that?
Scout's honor.
I'll go-- I'll go get the car.
Excuse me, sir.
[clears throat]
Director.
- Anything? - Good news, sir.
We traced one of the suspects to this toy store.
You're sure about that, Jackie?
We cannot afford to act on any sort of wild speculation.
No doubt about it, sir.
That's very promising, but we're running out of time.
Culprits may even be out of the country by now.
No, sir, I don't think so. You see, the store clerk,
he remembers two men fighting over a kid's chemistry set.
Now, it is possible that our suspect
hid the vials inside the chemistry set,
intending to come back and get them later,
but a customer beats him to it
and unwittingly goes home with the two formulas.
That's a lot conjecture, don't you think?
It's all we've got.
But I have an address. We're headed over there now.
All right, text me the address. I'll meet you there.
You got it.
And, Jackie?
Yes, sir.
I hope you're not wasting my time.
Do you see the dog?
He's invisible! We're looking for the kid!
Who are you guys? Where's Chad?
That's what we're about to find out, sweetheart.
You're gonna help us lure that kid out
and find his rotten dog.
Abner? What does he have to do with this?
Everything.
Would you shut up?
You, too.
Hey, kid!
We got your little sweetheart here!
Why don't you come out before your girlfriend gets hurt?
Actually, we're just good friends.
Oh, you better hope he's sweet on you.
Excuse me,
but have you guys ever done this kind of thing before?
- Yeah. One time I stole gum-- - Would you shut up?
[bones crack]
Keep your hands where I can see 'em, kid.
No more stink bombs. No funny business.
Sophie, I'm sorry you got mixed up in all this.
That's okay, Chad.
What is "this" anyway?
Well, it's a long story.
Hey, you guys can chitchat later.
We got some business to attend to.
You got something we want,
and we got something you want.
So you wanna exchange Abner for Sophie, is that right?
It's that simple.
Uh, where is Abner, and why do these guys want him?
I'm right here, sweet potato.
And these two morons want me because I'm invisible.
Chad, your dog's invisible? Cool!
You're darn right it's cool. Too cool for these fools.
And he can talk, too.
This is all very, very weird.
- I know. - But totally awesome!
Yeah, yeah.
Excuse me.
Do you you two lovebirds wanna talk about anything else?
- Nope. - Then shut up!
All right, let's get down to business.
- Kane. - Yes?
- Go grab the mutt. - Okay.
No funny business, kid. Ya got me?
Now, when Kane grabs the mutt,
then you'll get your little cutie back.
[chuckles]
Go over there!
Whoa. What's that?
Homemade pepper spray. Chili peppers and hot sauce.
Oh.
[screaming]
Oh, it's very effective!
- Good job. - Thank you.
[screaming]
- I can't see! - Come on!
Oww!
Get 'em!
I'm goin'! I'm goin'!
Oww!
[screaming]
Would you... get off of me?
Stupid!
All right. You go that way, I'll go this way.
I said that way!
Front door's open. We better be careful.
What are those?
Infrared heat sensing.
It shows how many people are in the house.
Sweet.
Okay, Chad, so what's the plan?
Sorry, Sophie. There is no plan.
This is our last stand.
That's right. Your last stand!
Just like you're the Alamo, and we're the Indians!
There were no Indians at the Alamo.
Oh, yeah? Who says?
- I do. - Oh.
[bark]
Abner, where are you?
I'm over here.
And so am I.
There's at least four.
It looks like trouble.
- [screams] - Hah!
You're all thumbs, mate!
[groaning]
Right in the como se llama!
Didn't see that coming, did you?
Oh, yeah! I love spare ribs. Yum yum yum yum yum.
Meow.
Hey, where'd that cat come from?
Cat? Did someone say cat?
Uh-oh.
- I got him! - Let me go!
- I got him! - Abner!
Give me that!
All right, let's go.
[Abner growling]
[grunts]
Sir, we may have a hostage situation.
Looks like our suspects are already inside.
We can't take any chances, Jackie.
If the suspects are in there, we need to take them out.
- Really take them out. - Yes, sir.
We need to recover those secret formulas at any costs.
What do you got there, Charlie?
There's enough tranquilizer in these darts
to knock out a bull elephant.
That's what I'm talking about.
Come on. We'll go around the side of the house,
maybe catch them off guard.
Okay.
Good luck.
[growling]
Don't even think about biting me.
Hey. You got ahold of that mutt?
Yeah, but it's like wrestling a sack of weasels.
I gotta say, it's been a pleasure meeting you kids.
If you tell anybody we were here...
- Ah, let's go. - All right!
Oh, hey, look who it is.
Oh!
This works great.
[mumbling]
Peep.
Great shooting, agents.
How you doin'?
I'm with the U.S. Government.
Congratulations. You two are heroes.
These men stole two top secret government formulas,
and somehow they wound up here.
You're darned right, they did, and Abner drank them.
Who's Abner?
Abner is Chad's dog.
And by the way, one of those formulas tasted like dog poo.
A talking invisible dog.
Makes perfect sense.
It does?
Now, look, I know you guys have been through a really tough day,
but I'm sure you want to help your government, right?
Good.
Our scientists must now recreate the stolen formulas,
and in order to do that,
we must bring Abner in for a few very simple tests.
I don't want to go.
Does he really have to go?
We should probably cooperate with the government, Chad.
After all, they are the good guys.
Thank you for understanding. It'll be just for a few days,
and then we'll have him back to you safe and sound...
and visible.
How great will that be?
Okay, Abner, come on, boy.
Oh, all right.
Come on.
Hey! Watch the foot, pal!
Jackie, Charlie,
stay here and secure those prisoners.
Are you sure, sir? But what about security?
One of us should stay with you at all times.
Don't worry, I'm perfectly capable
of transferring Abner to the lab myself.
Hey, what's this?
This is the M38-R signal jamming device.
Only one prototype of this exists.
And the only one who had access to it, sir.
Charlie, once again you're mistaken.
It's the M38-R, all right.
Hey, that's the phone-jamming device!
They used it to block our emergency call.
Yeah, they told me all about it.
They were pretty cocky about the whole thing, too!
How did they get it?
Stay back, Jackie. You, too, Charlie.
I'm leaving here with the dog, and no one's going to stop me.
Hah! Famous last words.
- [chomp] - Aah! Aah!
- [groans] - [chomp]
He bit my butt!
[growling]
Stay back. Stay back! I'm not kidding!
Stay back.
Allow me.
Hey, hotshot, what's your hurry?
Ohh! Aah!
[grunts]
Take him, please!
Good work, Abner!
Yeah, get 'em, boy!
This explains a lot,
how the bad guy was able to sneak into the lab
disguised as Old Man Jenkins,
and how he knew what to look for, where to look.
You set this all up, didn't you, sir?
You even threw your own men under the bus.
No, they were just a couple of bumbling idiots.
I had a serious timeline.
I had the buyers lined up for the formulas.
Now, please, someone just get this dog off me!
[laughing]
Not until you say Uncle!
Double-crossed by our own boss.
Of all the lowdown, dirty--
Did you say dirty? Let me clean him up for you.
- [slurping] - Aah! Gross!
Aah! Stop licking me! Stop! Please!
[slurping continues]
Aah! Get him off! Get him off!
Come on!
Good boy!
Aah!
Uncle! Uncle!
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Hey!
Well, how's your day been?
Great. I finished my school project, and it was a doozy.
What's with him?
I had a little bit of spare time,
and I decided to give him a bath.
Oh. Good.
Probably needed it. [sniffs]
Whew! I'm sure he needed it.
Smells like a stink bomb went off in here.
Something wrong?
So tell me again.
Why didn't you have to go with the government guys
to get the lab tests?
Jackie may not be a crook like her ex-boss, Mr. Denning,
but she's a whole lot smarter.
- How so? - All she really needed to do
was to take some of my slobber off Denning's face
and run the tests on that.
Fortunately there was plenty of it to work with.
Well, you gave him a washing.
He had it coming, but it's gonna be a lot harder
to get your mom and dad used to having me around now.
Give 'em time.
[dog barking]
I know that bark. It's my beautiful Afghan cutie.
Wait up, baby! Here I come!
Oh, no.
Here comes trouble. Stay close to me
and don't let 'em know you're here.
Hey, Chad. Going to school, I see.
You don't want to be late, do ya?
I'm not afraid of you guys.
Oh, look at the little brainiac. A tough guy.
Gotta be careful what you say, brainiac.
Yeah. Real careful.
- [punch] - Ohh!
Aah!
That's right. Go home to your mamas!
Wow! I saw the whole thing, Chad!
You just beat the snot out of those two boys.
Yeah, well, they started it, and I was just like--
That was totally awesome!
Now they won't try to stop me from hanging out with you.
Is Abner around?
Well, yeah-- I mean, I thought he was.
Abner?
Right here, pal.
Wait. Where were you?
You missed the whole thing.
Sorry, buddy. I had a little business to attend to.
- What kind of business? - Love business.
I made a hot date with that little Afghan down the street.
Good for you!
Shouldn't you two kids get going?
You don't want to be late for school.
He's right, Chad. Can I walk with you to school?
Uh, yeah, sure, I mean, if you want to.
I do.
Have fun, you two.
See you around.
Maybe you will.
And maybe you won't.
Gesundheit.
[barks]