¶ One, two, three, four ¶
¶ Five, six, seven, eight ¶
¶ Schlemiel, Schlimazel ¶
¶ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ¶
¶ We're gonna do it ¶
¶ Give us any chance ¶
¶ We'll take it ¶
¶ Read us any rule ¶
¶ We'll break it ¶
¶ We're gonna make our dreams come true ¶
¶ Doing it our way ¶
¶ Nothing's gonna turn us back now ¶
¶ Straight ahead and on the track now ¶
¶ We're gonna make our dreams come true ¶
¶ Doing it our way ¶
¶ There is nothing we won't try ¶
¶ Never heard the word "impossible" ¶
¶ This time, there's no stopping us ¶
¶ We're gonna do it ¶
¶ On your mark, get set and go now ¶
¶ Got a dream, and we just know now ¶
¶ We're gonna make that dream come true ¶
¶ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ¶
¶ Make all our dreams come true ¶
¶ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ¶
¶ Make all our dreams come true ¶
¶ For me and you. ¶
Laverne & Shirley is filmed before a studio audience.
MAN ( over P.A. ): Your attention, please.
All workers must report immediately
to the assembly hall for a meeting.
That means everyone.
I'm going to be late.
I've got a busted zipper. I have to fix it.
Why don't you do that in the ladies' room?
Are you kidding?
It's out of order.
There are men with plungers in there.
Hello.
( gasps )
I see London, I see France, I see Shirley's...
Oh, no, you don't see anything.
Uh, Squiggy, why aren't you at the meeting?
Well, they're loading up my truck for a delivery,
and I just thought I'd stop by the break room,
and, boy, what a break.
Hey, how come you're taking your clothes off?
I've got a busted zipper.
Now would you mind waiting outside...?
Let me see that.
I'm pretty good at fixing zippers.
Oh, yeah.
Who taught you about fixing zippers?
I worked at my uncle's Spic and Span cleaners one summer.
Ah, and your uncle taught you about zippers?
No, he kept telling me my fly was open.
I had to teach myself.
Ah, I see what the problem is.
The zipper's teeth are clenched.
Huh?
Oh, uh, that's cleaners' talk for, "It won't go up and down."
Ah, ah, ah.
Ah, there we are. ( gasps )
Oh, fabulous!
Thank you. You fixed it. You amaze me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but, but wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I want a reward first.
Okay, what do you think it's worth?
Well, uh, what do you say we go to the drive-in,
and you let me run amuck?
How about...
I give you a dollar instead?
All right. It's a deal.
Here, put your skirt on.
Okay.
Would you mind turning around while I do this?
Just a minute. It'll only take me a minute.
( mutters ) Thank you, Squiggy.
You know, if I hurry, I can still make the meeting.
Thanks again.
Hi, Lenny.
( singsongy ): Tell me all about it, Squiggy.
( singsongy ): Tell you all about what, Lenny?
( laughing )
Oh, don't kid me.
Aren't you the cool one, huh?
Boy, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes,
I never would've believed it.
My friend Squiggy and Shirley Feeney
right here in the break room.
Oh, boy.
Wait till I tell the other drivers.
Nah, nah, now don't tell them anything.
Oh, I get it. You don't like to brag, huh?
I love to brag.
Just think...
nobody's ever gotten that far with Shirley before.
You're going to be a hero, you know that?
I am? A hero?
Oh, more than a hero.
You're going to be a legend.
Gee, I never been one of them before.
Well, you're gonna be one now.
Like Davy Crockett? Uh-huh.
But I ain't wearing no dead animal on my head.
( man sings gentle tune )
( people shouting )
No. No fights. No fights.
No fights.
I don't like fights. You understand that?
You know what I like?
Eaters, bowlers.
That's what I like.
If I catch you here again, you'll be eating a bowling ball.
LAVERNE: We'll eat here tonight,
so that way neither of us will have to cook.
All right.
Hi, Pop. Hi, sweetheart.
Hello.
Say hello.
( choking ): Hello.
Why do you give everybody this telephone number?
Well, sometimes we're not home, so...
I've been taking messages for Shirley all day.
12 fellows called you.
12 guys called me?
Well...
it was really 13.
One guy-- he didn't leave a message.
He just was a heavy breather.
Here.
Here's the messages for you.
Excuse me, girls.
I got to introduce this fellow to the gutter.
12 guys called me?
And they all want dates.
How come?
Robert Hoffman called me.
Mr. Hoffman, the vice president
in charge of public relations?
That really cute guy who says,
( lisps ): "How you doing, sweetheart.
It's nice to see you."?
He wants to take me to dinner tonight.
I don't understand this.
I've been smiling at Mr. Hoffman for eight months now,
and he hasn't even given me a tumble.
Well, Laverne, my way has finally paid off.
You see, we're like the tortoise and the hare.
Which one am I?
You're the hare. Good.
No, no, no, not so good.
Not good? Not good.
You see, you like to take shortcuts:
smiling, winking at Bobby.
While I... I, on the other hand,
am taking the slow but steady route.
What route?
My morning grooming.
( groans )
Every morning I do 100 strokes with a nylon brush
to make my hair shiny and more manageable.
Then I do my teeth.
I know, up and down, up and down.
No, no, little circles. No, no...
Little circles, little circles.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks. Thank you.
Listen, maybe you can get a date, and we can double.
Who could I call on such short notice?
How about the new guy in our building?
What new guy?
3B.
His name's Jerry. He's a writer.
He's single. He's 26,
and he hasn't even said hello to me yet.
But he did grunt to me once by the incinerator.
I went, "Heh, heh," and he went, "Ehh."
Now that's not bad.
Yeah, but it's not 12 guys calling me
in one day for dates.
Well, actually, 13.
Well, Laverne, I wouldn't worry about it.
Your turn will come.
I better go get ready for my date with Bobby.
One little tip, Laverne:
Part of being a good tortoise
is to learn to walk with style and grace and elegance.
( woman sings gentle tune )
( knocking )
Who is it?
Uh, Jerry Callahan from upstairs.
Jerry from upstairs.
Hold on.
( yells in pain )
Uh, I'll be right with you, Jerry from upstairs.
Um...
Just a minute, just a minute.
Ew.
Believe me, it'll be worth the wait.
Um...
I'm just getting off the phone.
Oh, yeah, Grandma, I'm fine.
Yeah, I'm eating good.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm taller now.
Hi.
Are you Miss "DeFayzio" or Miss Feeney?
Uh, Miss DeFazio.
Laverne for short, Vernie for shorter.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Jerry Callahan.
I live upstairs.
Yeah, we grunted to each other at the incinerator.
That's right.
Come on in.
Thanks.
You got a nice place.
Thanks.
Uh, you're a writer, huh?
Yes. A novelist.
Want to sit?
Oh. Sure.
Thanks very much.
Yeah, I can hear your typewriter
clacking away at home.
It must be nice working at home,
then nobody knows when you're late.
Yeah, but nobody pays you either. Oh.
Actually, I'm looking for some part-time work,
just to supplement my income.
Supplementing's nice.
Uh, have you tried down at the brewery?
Yeah, as a matter of fact I was down there this afternoon.
There may be an opening in advertising.
Oh.
Want some sodie pop?
Sure.
By the way, is the Miss Feeney who lives with you,
is she the same Shirley Feeney who works at the brewery?
Yeah. Why?
She's very popular. Yeah.
Do you think she'd go out with me?
You want me to put in a good word for ya, ace?
Hey, yeah, would you, please?
I can't take this anymore.
Look, Jerry, I'm sorry,
but Shirley's dated up till 1967.
Oh. Oh, yeah, well, I guess that figures, huh?
It figures? Why does it figure?
Please tell me why that figures.
Why has Shirley all of a sudden
become everybody's favorite date?
No, now look, that just wouldn't be
very polite of me to say.
Say it.
You're not leaving here until you tell me.
Oh, you're kidding.
No.
No, I'm... I'm far beyond kidding now.
Uh, tell me.
Uh, well, when I was out at the brewery, uh,
a lot of the guys said
that Shirley is what you would call a... fun date.
A fun date?
Yeah, I just moved in here,
and I get very tense from my typing,
and the guys at the brewery did say that she was a fun date.
Shirley?
My Shirley who...?
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I guess it wasn't very gentlemanly of me to say that.
She told me that it was her morning grooming.
I'll give her grooming.
Nice meeting you.
Oh, yeah... I'll see you around.
See you when we both got garbage again.
Tortoise walk, my foot.
Yelling at me all these years because I pet.
That phony.
Well, if it...
Well, if it isn't Miss Morning Grooming.
I was attacked.
My date jumped me.
No warning, just one flying leap.
Well, that's Mr. Hoffman's job, isn't it: public relations?
I don't think you understand.
He assaulted my personal being.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Men are such animals. Oh, my.
He drove into the woods behind the brewery,
turned out the lights and said,
"Okay, sweetie, let's see what all the excitement's about."
Needless to say, I walked home.
What made him think he could get away with something like that?
He probably heard what a fun date you are.
I know I'm fun.
But what made him think
he could get away with something like that?
Oh, would you come off it, Shirl?
Lying to me all these years, Miss... Miss Passion Pit.
I ought to wash your mouth out with soap!
I never lied to you a day in my life.
Never? Never.
Cross your heart, hope to die,
stick a needle in your eye?
Cross my heart, hope to die,
stick a thousand needles in my eye.
Well, then, ha-ha,
someone has been a victim of a very strange rumor.
Will you speak English to me?
Well, Shirl, you think you're like a tortoise.
I am like a tortoise... slow and steady.
Yeah, well, all the guys at the brewery think
you're more like a rabbit...
fast and friendly.
Me? They think that I...
Mm-hmm.
That's the reason they've been calling me?
I? Me?
Shirley "Wait Till the Wedding Night" Feeney?
Have they gone mad?
Possibly.
What kind of an idiot would start a rumor like that?!
Hey, how you doing, Laverne?
Oh, uh, we learned how to fire
the M-1 rifle today in the Reserves.
I can see you did real good.
Not bad.
Uh, look, Lenny, I'm trying to find out something.
You usually know all the brewery gossip, don't you?
Smutty or regular?
Smutty.
Why do all the guys think that Shirley is a pushover?
I don't know.
You don't? No.
Thanks anyway.
I mean, that's ridiculous.
Shirley's no pushover.
The only reason she fools around with Squiggy
is 'cause she's crazy about him.
Sit down, Lenny.
Shirley is crazy about Squiggy?
I'll bet that's how your rumor got started.
See, I told everybody about Shirley and Squiggy,
and they might think that Shirley would want
to fool around with them, too, but she won't.
Shirley's in love.
Lenny, I think Squiggy is pulling your leg.
I would've thought so, too,
except I saw it with my own two eyes.
I had to choke back a blush.
Uh, Lenny, could you leave me alone for a little bit?
I think I'm going to be sick.
Yeah, yeah, I think you're just a little bit jealous.
That's all.
Stop that!
Do you want to call attention to me?
Sorry. What are you doing here?
I thought you wanted to stay home.
Oh, Laverne, the phone
has been ringing off the hook.
They're closing in on me.
The buzzards are circling the apartment.
Uh, grab onto your seat, Shirl.
I got something...
I can't talk to you like that.
You look like Harpo Marx.
Get that off.
Look, now, there's something I got to ask you
that might get you upset.
Hey, I'm all grown up.
Are you...? Oh, I can't ask this.
Ask me. What is it?
Are you...?
( whispering )
What?
( whispering )
What?
Are you in love with Squiggy?
Now, Squiggy, you remember
the other afternoon when we were in here alone together?
Sure. How could I forget it?
You still owe me a buck for the zipper.
Why didn't you tell Lenny the truth about what happened here?
I did tell him the truth... sort of.
That "sort of" is ruining my life.
Look, I didn't do nothing to you...
Aha! Aha! You see?
That's just the point.
You didn't do nothing to me,
but the entire brewery thinks that you did.
So? I'm learning to live with it.
But, you see, it's different for you.
You don't have a reputation to protect.
What are you talking about, Shirley?
For the first time in my life, I got a reputation.
But it's a lie, Squiggy!
Well, that's not my fault!
ANNOUNCER: Your attention, please.
Due to rain, the company picnic this weekend
will be changed from Pfister Park to Murray's house.
Oh, what's the matter?
You want me take you to the picnic?
Squiggy!
You've got to tell people the truth about what happened.
I can't tell 'em the truth.
I got my pride.
All right.
I've tried to reason with you, but it's impossible.
You leave me no alternative but to resort to brute force.
( chuckles )
How are you going to beat me up?
You're a girl.
Carmine Ragusa's a boy.
Yeah, but Carmine Ragusa ain't here.
Hello.
No dice, huh?
Nope.
Well...
just let the Big Ragoo take care of it.
I don't want to watch this.
I do.
I just remembered something.
I got a delivery to make... to Canada.
Sit down, Squiggy.
We're going to have a man-to-man talk.
Good to see you again, Carmine.
Nice shirt. Tight fit.
Shut up!
Now, look, Squiggy.
You've been saying things about Shirley that are not very nice.
Now you're going to tell the entire brewery
that what you said about Shirley is not true.
You got that? Not true.
'Cause if you don't,
I'm going to have to make you a very sad person.
Andrew Squigman fears nothing!
Except darkness.
So you can just rip out my nose, pull out my ears.
You can even break off my arm.
I ain't talking!
CARMINE: Sure about that? Yeah.
Look, Squiggy, I don't want to hurt you,
but I'm afraid I'm going to have to break your arm.
In front of all these witnesses?
Hey, everybody, I'm going to hurt this man.
Anybody care?
ALL: No!
Hey, wait a minute. I thought I was popular.
That's what I thought. Here it goes.
Wait, no, I can't stand it.
Don't do it, Carmine.
I give up. It's no use.
I've appealed to his sense of fair play
and found that he has none.
Thank you.
I may as well resign myself
to living the rest of my life in disgrace.
( sobbing ) Oh, Angel Face.
Oh, it's so awful. I can't believe this. Hey, come on.
Shut up. Don't cry. It makes me nervous.
What's she crying for?
Ah, you broke her heart, didn't you?
You broke off with it. Love 'em and leave 'em.
Shut up, Lenny!
You don't even know what you're talking about.
Yes, I do. I saw everything.
You saw nothing.
All he did was fix her zipper.
Squiggy's been lying to you the whole time.
He made a fool out of you, too.
Were you lying to me?
Well, it's your fault!
All that talk about a legend and wearing animals on my head.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Only you didn't tell me it was a lie.
Me, the guy that taught you how to siphon gas!
Well, I'm getting out of here.
You people make me stink!
Hey, get back here.
No, let him go.
I don't ever want to see him again.
I don't either.
I am so disappointed in him.
Hey, Carmine, how'd you like to be my new best friend?
Hey, Lenny? Hmm?
Get away from me.
Some best friend you turned out to be.
ANNOUNCER: Attention, all employees.
The brewery will be closed on Mr. Shotz's birthday...
SQUIGGY: Excuse me, sir, this is... this is serious.
Hello. This is Squiggy speaking.
There's been some bad rumors going around
that-that just ain't true.
I never did nothing with Shirley Feeney...
and I'm very grateful she didn't have my head busted.
Thank you.
ANNOUNCER: Excuse me, is that the same Shirley Feeney that...
SQUIGGY: Yes.
ANNOUNCER: Attention, Shirley Feeney.
Our date this Tuesday is canceled. Thank you.
SQUIGGY: While I'm at the mike,
there's something I've always wanted to try.
ANNOUNCER: Well, I don't know...
SQUIGGY: No, no... ¶ In the still ¶
¶ Still of the night ¶
¶ Darling, I held you ¶ ¶ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop ¶
¶ Held you tight ¶ ¶ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-whoa ¶
¶ In the still of the night ¶ ¶ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop ¶
¶ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop... ¶
¶ When I was just a little girl ¶
¶ I asked my mother... ¶
Okay, Stanley.
Mm-hmm. Good-bye.
¶ Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? ¶
Well, I guess Squiggy's announcement worked.
Guys have been calling to cancel right and left.
You see how evil it is to spread rumors, Laverne?
You see how you can ruin a person's reputation?
Yeah. A guy with a reputation is a hero.
A girl with a reputation is a bimbo.
Just doesn't seem fair.
Well, who knows?
Maybe a hundred years from now, all that will have changed.
Yeah. Wouldn't it be great
if nobody cared about your reputation?
Think of all the fun you could have.
Fun, Laverne?
Well... I hear it's fun.
Oh, really? From whom?
Someone you know.
It's Doris in bottle capping, isn't it?
What did you hear? Tell me everything.
Francine told me
that Doris went out with this sailor...
Yeah? He takes her aboard ship at midnight.
Yeah?
Look at us, Laverne.
I mean, here we are, spreading rumors now.
Yeah.
But they ain't about us.
Right you are.
Doris and the sailor board ship after midnight...
¶ ¶
( theme music plays )
¶ We're gonna do it ¶
¶ On your mark, get set and go now ¶
¶ Got a dream, and we just know now ¶
¶ We're gonna make that dream come true ¶
¶ And we'll do it our way, yes, our way ¶
¶ Make all our dreams come true ¶
¶ For me and you. ¶