1
00:00:00,933 --> 00:00:02,367
¶ One, two, three, four ¶
2
00:00:02,434 --> 00:00:04,135
¶ Five, six, seven, eight ¶
3
00:00:04,203 --> 00:00:05,871
¶ Schlemiel, Schlimazel ¶
4
00:00:05,938 --> 00:00:08,573
¶ Hasenpfeffer, Incorporated ¶
5
00:00:09,892 --> 00:00:11,159
¶ We're gonna do it ¶
6
00:00:11,227 --> 00:00:12,693
¶ Give us any chance ¶
7
00:00:12,761 --> 00:00:14,029
¶ We'll take it ¶
8
00:00:14,096 --> 00:00:15,863
¶ Read us any rule ¶
9
00:00:15,931 --> 00:00:17,265
¶ We'll break it ¶
10
00:00:17,333 --> 00:00:20,785
¶ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ¶
11
00:00:20,853 --> 00:00:22,387
¶ Doing it our way ¶
12
00:00:22,455 --> 00:00:25,507
¶ Nothing's gonna turn us
back now ¶
13
00:00:25,574 --> 00:00:29,544
¶ Straight ahead
and on the track now ¶
14
00:00:29,612 --> 00:00:32,780
¶ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ¶
15
00:00:32,848 --> 00:00:35,049
¶ Doing it our way ¶
16
00:00:35,117 --> 00:00:37,886
¶ There is nothing
we won't try ¶
17
00:00:37,954 --> 00:00:40,021
¶ Never heard
the word "impossible" ¶
18
00:00:40,089 --> 00:00:44,910
¶ This time,
there's no stopping us ¶
19
00:00:44,977 --> 00:00:47,112
¶ We're gonna do it ¶
20
00:00:47,179 --> 00:00:48,947
¶ On your mark,
get set and go now ¶
21
00:00:49,014 --> 00:00:52,483
¶ Got a dream,
and we just know now ¶
22
00:00:52,551 --> 00:00:56,354
¶ We're gonna make
that dream come true ¶
23
00:00:56,422 --> 00:01:00,542
¶ And we'll do it our way,
yes, our way ¶
24
00:01:00,610 --> 00:01:02,310
¶ Make all our dreams
come true ¶
25
00:01:02,378 --> 00:01:06,515
¶ And we'll do it our way,
yes, our way ¶
26
00:01:06,582 --> 00:01:10,985
¶ Make all our dreams
come true ¶
27
00:01:11,053 --> 00:01:16,624
¶ For me and you. ¶
28
00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:22,914
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
29
00:01:22,982 --> 00:01:25,700
MAN ( over P.A. ):
Your attention, please.
30
00:01:25,768 --> 00:01:28,236
All workers
must report immediately
31
00:01:28,303 --> 00:01:29,921
to the assembly hall
for a meeting.
32
00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:31,356
That means everyone.
33
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:32,641
I'm going to be late.
34
00:01:32,708 --> 00:01:34,275
I've got a busted zipper.
I have to fix it.
35
00:01:34,343 --> 00:01:35,944
Why don't you do that
in the ladies' room?
36
00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:37,111
Are you kidding?
37
00:01:37,179 --> 00:01:38,279
It's out of order.
38
00:01:38,347 --> 00:01:40,549
There are men
with plungers in there.
39
00:01:46,622 --> 00:01:47,789
Hello.
40
00:01:47,856 --> 00:01:49,290
( gasps )
41
00:01:49,358 --> 00:01:52,627
I see London, I see France,
I see Shirley's...
42
00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:55,563
Oh, no,
you don't see anything.
43
00:01:55,631 --> 00:01:58,566
Uh, Squiggy,
why aren't you at the meeting?
44
00:01:58,634 --> 00:02:01,486
Well, they're loading up
my truck for a delivery,
45
00:02:01,553 --> 00:02:04,389
and I just thought I'd
stop by the break room,
46
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:05,890
and, boy, what a break.
47
00:02:05,958 --> 00:02:07,892
Hey, how come you're
taking your clothes off?
48
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,560
I've got a busted zipper.
49
00:02:09,628 --> 00:02:11,562
Now would you mind
waiting outside...?
50
00:02:11,630 --> 00:02:12,897
Let me see that.
51
00:02:12,965 --> 00:02:14,565
I'm pretty good
at fixing zippers.
52
00:02:14,633 --> 00:02:16,234
Oh, yeah.
53
00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,589
Who taught you
about fixing zippers?
54
00:02:20,656 --> 00:02:24,425
I worked at my uncle's Spic
and Span cleaners one summer.
55
00:02:24,493 --> 00:02:27,111
Ah, and your uncle
taught you about zippers?
56
00:02:27,179 --> 00:02:29,213
No, he kept telling me
my fly was open.
57
00:02:29,281 --> 00:02:31,766
I had to teach myself.
58
00:02:31,834 --> 00:02:35,469
Ah, I see what
the problem is.
59
00:02:35,537 --> 00:02:37,255
The zipper's teeth are clenched.
60
00:02:37,322 --> 00:02:38,956
Huh?
61
00:02:39,024 --> 00:02:42,694
Oh, uh, that's cleaners' talk
for, "It won't go up and down."
62
00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:44,112
Ah, ah, ah.
63
00:02:44,179 --> 00:02:45,279
Ah, there we are.
( gasps )
64
00:02:45,347 --> 00:02:46,447
Oh, fabulous!
65
00:02:46,515 --> 00:02:48,282
Thank you. You fixed it.
You amaze me.
66
00:02:48,350 --> 00:02:51,285
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
but, but wait a minute.
67
00:02:51,353 --> 00:02:52,353
Wait a minute.
68
00:02:52,420 --> 00:02:54,455
I want a reward first.
69
00:02:54,523 --> 00:02:57,391
Okay, what do you
think it's worth?
70
00:02:57,459 --> 00:03:01,629
Well, uh, what do you say
we go to the drive-in,
71
00:03:01,697 --> 00:03:04,298
and you let me run amuck?
72
00:03:05,634 --> 00:03:07,535
How about...
73
00:03:07,602 --> 00:03:10,371
I give you
a dollar instead?
74
00:03:10,439 --> 00:03:12,406
All right. It's a deal.
75
00:03:12,475 --> 00:03:14,308
Here, put your skirt on.
76
00:03:14,376 --> 00:03:15,560
Okay.
77
00:03:15,628 --> 00:03:19,231
Would you mind turning
around while I do this?
78
00:03:19,298 --> 00:03:22,434
Just a minute. It'll
only take me a minute.
79
00:03:22,501 --> 00:03:24,652
( mutters )
Thank you, Squiggy.
80
00:03:32,328 --> 00:03:34,762
You know, if I hurry,
I can still make the meeting.
81
00:03:34,830 --> 00:03:36,664
Thanks again.
82
00:03:37,666 --> 00:03:39,317
Hi, Lenny.
83
00:03:45,691 --> 00:03:48,259
( singsongy ):
Tell me all
about it, Squiggy.
84
00:03:48,327 --> 00:03:50,695
( singsongy ):
Tell you all about what, Lenny?
85
00:03:50,763 --> 00:03:51,930
( laughing )
86
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:53,598
Oh, don't kid me.
87
00:03:53,666 --> 00:03:55,199
Aren't you the
cool one, huh?
88
00:03:55,267 --> 00:03:57,335
Boy, if I hadn't seen it
with my own eyes,
89
00:03:57,402 --> 00:03:58,870
I never would've
believed it.
90
00:03:58,938 --> 00:04:00,772
My friend Squiggy
and Shirley Feeney
91
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,473
right here in
the break room.
92
00:04:02,541 --> 00:04:03,557
Oh, boy.
93
00:04:03,625 --> 00:04:05,059
Wait till I tell
the other drivers.
94
00:04:05,127 --> 00:04:06,961
Nah, nah, now don't
tell them anything.
95
00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:09,063
Oh, I get it. You don't
like to brag, huh?
96
00:04:09,131 --> 00:04:10,664
I love to brag.
97
00:04:10,732 --> 00:04:11,816
Just think...
98
00:04:11,883 --> 00:04:13,918
nobody's ever gotten that
far with Shirley before.
99
00:04:13,986 --> 00:04:15,886
You're going to be a
hero, you know that?
100
00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:17,555
I am? A hero?
101
00:04:17,622 --> 00:04:18,756
Oh, more than a hero.
102
00:04:18,824 --> 00:04:20,391
You're going to be a legend.
103
00:04:20,459 --> 00:04:22,393
Gee, I never been
one of them before.
104
00:04:22,461 --> 00:04:24,228
Well, you're
gonna be one now.
105
00:04:24,296 --> 00:04:26,230
Like Davy Crockett?
Uh-huh.
106
00:04:26,298 --> 00:04:28,799
But I ain't wearing
no dead animal on my head.
107
00:04:30,836 --> 00:04:35,239
( man sings gentle tune )
108
00:04:35,307 --> 00:04:37,208
( people shouting )
109
00:04:37,276 --> 00:04:39,093
No. No fights. No fights.
110
00:04:39,161 --> 00:04:40,528
No fights.
111
00:04:40,429 --> 00:04:42,914
I don't like fights.
You understand that?
112
00:04:42,981 --> 00:04:44,248
You know what I like?
113
00:04:44,317 --> 00:04:45,417
Eaters, bowlers.
114
00:04:45,484 --> 00:04:46,918
That's what I like.
115
00:04:46,985 --> 00:04:51,155
If I catch you here again,
you'll be eating a bowling ball.
116
00:04:51,223 --> 00:04:52,289
LAVERNE:
We'll eat here tonight,
117
00:04:52,357 --> 00:04:53,925
so that way neither of
us will have to cook.
118
00:04:53,993 --> 00:04:55,026
All right.
119
00:04:55,093 --> 00:04:57,028
Hi, Pop.
Hi, sweetheart.
120
00:04:57,095 --> 00:04:58,362
Hello.
121
00:04:58,430 --> 00:04:59,380
Say hello.
122
00:04:59,448 --> 00:05:00,815
( choking ):
Hello.
123
00:05:00,882 --> 00:05:03,368
Why do you give everybody
this telephone number?
124
00:05:03,435 --> 00:05:05,570
Well, sometimes
we're not home, so...
125
00:05:05,637 --> 00:05:07,888
I've been taking messages
for Shirley all day.
126
00:05:07,957 --> 00:05:09,357
12 fellows called you.
127
00:05:09,425 --> 00:05:11,559
12 guys called me?
128
00:05:11,627 --> 00:05:13,828
Well...
129
00:05:13,896 --> 00:05:15,396
it was really 13.
130
00:05:15,464 --> 00:05:17,498
One guy--
he didn't leave a message.
131
00:05:17,566 --> 00:05:19,567
He just was a heavy breather.
132
00:05:19,635 --> 00:05:21,786
Here.
133
00:05:21,854 --> 00:05:23,722
Here's the messages for you.
134
00:05:23,789 --> 00:05:25,139
Excuse me, girls.
135
00:05:25,207 --> 00:05:28,193
I got to introduce this fellow
to the gutter.
136
00:05:28,260 --> 00:05:32,563
12 guys called me?
137
00:05:32,631 --> 00:05:34,398
And they all want dates.
138
00:05:34,466 --> 00:05:35,934
How come?
139
00:05:36,001 --> 00:05:38,069
Robert Hoffman called me.
140
00:05:38,137 --> 00:05:40,671
Mr. Hoffman,
the vice president
141
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:43,441
in charge
of public relations?
142
00:05:43,508 --> 00:05:44,893
That really cute guy
who says,
143
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:47,328
( lisps ):
"How you doing, sweetheart.
144
00:05:47,396 --> 00:05:48,963
It's nice to see you."?
145
00:05:49,031 --> 00:05:52,200
He wants to take me
to dinner tonight.
146
00:05:52,267 --> 00:05:53,567
I don't understand this.
147
00:05:53,635 --> 00:05:56,137
I've been smiling at Mr. Hoffman
for eight months now,
148
00:05:56,205 --> 00:05:58,173
and he hasn't even
given me a tumble.
149
00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:03,027
Well, Laverne, my way
has finally paid off.
150
00:06:03,095 --> 00:06:07,899
You see, we're like the
tortoise and the hare.
151
00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:09,217
Which one am I?
152
00:06:09,284 --> 00:06:11,085
You're the hare.
Good.
153
00:06:11,153 --> 00:06:12,704
No, no, no,
not so good.
154
00:06:12,772 --> 00:06:14,038
Not good?
Not good.
155
00:06:14,106 --> 00:06:16,374
You see, you like
to take shortcuts:
156
00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:18,042
smiling, winking
at Bobby.
157
00:06:18,110 --> 00:06:20,478
While I... I, on
the other hand,
158
00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:23,548
am taking the slow
but steady route.
159
00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:24,883
What route?
160
00:06:24,950 --> 00:06:26,217
My morning grooming.
161
00:06:26,285 --> 00:06:28,052
( groans )
162
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:33,057
Every morning I do 100
strokes with a nylon brush
163
00:06:33,125 --> 00:06:36,561
to make my hair shiny
and more manageable.
164
00:06:36,629 --> 00:06:38,663
Then I do my teeth.
165
00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:40,381
I know, up and down,
up and down.
166
00:06:40,449 --> 00:06:42,383
No, no, little circles.
No, no...
167
00:06:42,451 --> 00:06:45,636
Little circles, little circles.
168
00:06:45,704 --> 00:06:48,256
Yeah, yeah.
169
00:06:48,323 --> 00:06:49,723
Thanks.
Thank you.
170
00:06:49,791 --> 00:06:52,460
Listen, maybe you can get
a date, and we can double.
171
00:06:52,528 --> 00:06:54,813
Who could I call
on such short notice?
172
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,047
How about the new guy
in our building?
173
00:06:57,115 --> 00:06:58,382
What new guy?
174
00:06:58,450 --> 00:06:59,700
3B.
175
00:06:59,768 --> 00:07:01,852
His name's Jerry.
He's a writer.
176
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,354
He's single. He's 26,
177
00:07:03,422 --> 00:07:05,856
and he hasn't even
said hello to me yet.
178
00:07:05,924 --> 00:07:08,526
But he did grunt to me once
by the incinerator.
179
00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:11,829
I went, "Heh, heh,"
and he went, "Ehh."
180
00:07:11,896 --> 00:07:13,547
Now that's not bad.
181
00:07:13,615 --> 00:07:15,216
Yeah, but it's not
12 guys calling me
182
00:07:15,283 --> 00:07:16,383
in one day for dates.
183
00:07:16,451 --> 00:07:18,886
Well, actually, 13.
184
00:07:18,954 --> 00:07:21,222
Well, Laverne, I
wouldn't worry about it.
185
00:07:21,289 --> 00:07:22,590
Your turn will come.
186
00:07:22,657 --> 00:07:25,392
I better go get ready
for my date with Bobby.
187
00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:27,729
One little tip, Laverne:
188
00:07:27,796 --> 00:07:29,931
Part of being
a good tortoise
189
00:07:29,998 --> 00:07:34,102
is to learn to walk
with style and grace
and elegance.
190
00:07:44,646 --> 00:07:49,967
( woman sings gentle tune )
191
00:07:57,409 --> 00:07:59,844
( knocking )
192
00:07:59,911 --> 00:08:01,679
Who is it?
193
00:08:01,747 --> 00:08:04,081
Uh, Jerry Callahan
from upstairs.
194
00:08:04,149 --> 00:08:07,701
Jerry from upstairs.
195
00:08:07,769 --> 00:08:08,869
Hold on.
196
00:08:08,937 --> 00:08:11,205
( yells in pain )
197
00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:14,708
Uh, I'll be right with you,
Jerry from upstairs.
198
00:08:14,776 --> 00:08:16,710
Um...
199
00:08:16,778 --> 00:08:20,214
Just a minute, just a minute.
200
00:08:20,282 --> 00:08:21,715
Ew.
201
00:08:21,783 --> 00:08:26,420
Believe me,
it'll be worth the wait.
202
00:08:28,106 --> 00:08:31,041
Um...
203
00:08:31,109 --> 00:08:34,044
I'm just getting off the phone.
204
00:08:34,112 --> 00:08:36,647
Oh, yeah, Grandma, I'm fine.
205
00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:39,717
Yeah, I'm eating good.
206
00:08:39,785 --> 00:08:43,554
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm taller now.
207
00:08:59,922 --> 00:09:01,655
Hi.
208
00:09:01,723 --> 00:09:02,923
Hi.
209
00:09:02,991 --> 00:09:04,925
Are you Miss "DeFayzio"
or Miss Feeney?
210
00:09:04,993 --> 00:09:06,227
Uh, Miss DeFazio.
211
00:09:06,294 --> 00:09:09,296
Laverne for short,
Vernie for shorter.
212
00:09:09,364 --> 00:09:10,130
Nice to meet you.
213
00:09:10,199 --> 00:09:11,165
I'm Jerry Callahan.
214
00:09:11,233 --> 00:09:12,700
I live upstairs.
215
00:09:12,618 --> 00:09:14,868
Yeah, we grunted to each other
at the incinerator.
216
00:09:14,936 --> 00:09:15,853
That's right.
217
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,020
Come on in.
218
00:09:17,088 --> 00:09:18,422
Thanks.
219
00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:22,526
You got a nice place.
220
00:09:22,594 --> 00:09:23,861
Thanks.
221
00:09:23,928 --> 00:09:25,363
Uh, you're a writer, huh?
222
00:09:25,430 --> 00:09:29,032
Yes. A novelist.
223
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:30,534
Want to sit?
224
00:09:30,602 --> 00:09:31,869
Oh. Sure.
225
00:09:31,936 --> 00:09:33,704
Thanks very much.
226
00:09:33,772 --> 00:09:35,539
Yeah, I can hear
your typewriter
227
00:09:35,607 --> 00:09:38,276
clacking away at home.
228
00:09:44,283 --> 00:09:46,250
It must be nice
working at home,
229
00:09:46,318 --> 00:09:48,653
then nobody knows
when you're late.
230
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,387
Yeah,
but nobody pays you either.
Oh.
231
00:09:50,455 --> 00:09:52,824
Actually, I'm looking
for some part-time work,
232
00:09:52,891 --> 00:09:54,425
just to supplement my income.
233
00:09:54,493 --> 00:09:57,412
Supplementing's nice.
234
00:09:57,479 --> 00:09:59,847
Uh, have you tried
down at the brewery?
235
00:09:59,915 --> 00:10:02,015
Yeah, as a matter of fact
I was down there this afternoon.
236
00:10:02,083 --> 00:10:03,651
There may be an opening
in advertising.
237
00:10:03,719 --> 00:10:04,752
Oh.
238
00:10:04,819 --> 00:10:06,086
Want some sodie pop?
239
00:10:06,154 --> 00:10:07,638
Sure.
240
00:10:14,980 --> 00:10:17,882
By the way, is the Miss Feeney
who lives with you,
241
00:10:17,949 --> 00:10:21,386
is she the same Shirley Feeney
who works at the brewery?
242
00:10:21,453 --> 00:10:23,220
Yeah. Why?
243
00:10:23,288 --> 00:10:25,122
She's very popular.
Yeah.
244
00:10:25,190 --> 00:10:28,058
Do you think
she'd go out with me?
245
00:10:31,013 --> 00:10:35,283
You want me to put in
a good word for ya, ace?
246
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:39,070
Hey, yeah, would you, please?
247
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:41,272
I can't take this anymore.
248
00:10:41,339 --> 00:10:42,506
Look, Jerry, I'm sorry,
249
00:10:42,574 --> 00:10:44,275
but Shirley's
dated up till 1967.
250
00:10:44,342 --> 00:10:48,445
Oh. Oh, yeah, well,
I guess that figures, huh?
251
00:10:48,513 --> 00:10:49,981
It figures?
Why does it figure?
252
00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:51,582
Please tell me
why that figures.
253
00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:53,117
Why has Shirley
all of a sudden
254
00:10:53,185 --> 00:10:54,786
become everybody's
favorite date?
255
00:10:54,853 --> 00:10:56,721
No, now look,
that just wouldn't be
256
00:10:56,789 --> 00:10:59,724
very polite of me to say.
257
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:03,561
Say it.
258
00:11:03,628 --> 00:11:06,898
You're not leaving here
until you tell me.
259
00:11:06,965 --> 00:11:08,532
Oh, you're kidding.
260
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:09,916
No.
261
00:11:09,984 --> 00:11:13,754
No, I'm...
I'm far beyond kidding now.
262
00:11:13,821 --> 00:11:15,989
Uh, tell me.
263
00:11:16,057 --> 00:11:18,743
Uh, well, when I was out
at the brewery, uh,
264
00:11:18,810 --> 00:11:20,244
a lot of the guys said
265
00:11:20,311 --> 00:11:24,181
that Shirley is what
you would call a... fun date.
266
00:11:24,249 --> 00:11:25,032
A fun date?
267
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:26,400
Yeah,
I just moved in here,
268
00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:28,052
and I get very tense
from my typing,
269
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,488
and the guys at the brewery
did say that she was a fun date.
270
00:11:31,556 --> 00:11:32,924
Shirley?
271
00:11:32,991 --> 00:11:35,092
My Shirley who...?
272
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:36,593
Yeah, I'm sorry.
273
00:11:36,661 --> 00:11:38,595
I guess it wasn't very
gentlemanly of me to say that.
274
00:11:38,663 --> 00:11:41,165
She told me that it was
her morning grooming.
275
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:46,270
I'll give her grooming.
276
00:11:46,338 --> 00:11:47,604
Nice meeting you.
277
00:11:47,672 --> 00:11:49,440
Oh, yeah...
I'll see you around.
278
00:11:49,507 --> 00:11:51,642
See you when we both
got garbage again.
279
00:11:53,495 --> 00:11:55,897
Tortoise walk, my foot.
280
00:11:55,964 --> 00:11:57,899
Yelling at me all these years
because I pet.
281
00:11:57,966 --> 00:12:00,752
That phony.
282
00:12:15,833 --> 00:12:17,334
Well, if it...
283
00:12:21,005 --> 00:12:22,505
Well, if it...
284
00:12:28,346 --> 00:12:31,848
Well, if it isn't
Miss Morning Grooming.
285
00:12:31,916 --> 00:12:33,650
I was attacked.
286
00:12:36,871 --> 00:12:38,104
My date jumped me.
287
00:12:38,172 --> 00:12:41,074
No warning,
just one flying leap.
288
00:12:41,141 --> 00:12:45,946
Well, that's Mr. Hoffman's job,
isn't it: public relations?
289
00:12:46,014 --> 00:12:47,948
I don't think
you understand.
290
00:12:48,016 --> 00:12:50,801
He assaulted my
personal being.
291
00:12:50,869 --> 00:12:52,852
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
292
00:12:53,888 --> 00:12:57,057
Men are such animals.
Oh, my.
293
00:12:57,125 --> 00:12:58,992
He drove into the woods
behind the brewery,
294
00:12:59,060 --> 00:13:00,794
turned out the
lights and said,
295
00:13:00,861 --> 00:13:05,448
"Okay, sweetie, let's see what
all the excitement's about."
296
00:13:07,118 --> 00:13:09,552
Needless to say,
I walked home.
297
00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:12,655
What made him think
he could get away with
something like that?
298
00:13:12,723 --> 00:13:15,976
He probably heard
what a fun date you are.
299
00:13:16,043 --> 00:13:18,578
I know I'm fun.
300
00:13:18,646 --> 00:13:20,079
But what made him think
301
00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:22,215
he could get away
with something like that?
302
00:13:22,283 --> 00:13:24,084
Oh, would you come off it,
Shirl?
303
00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:28,888
Lying to me all these years,
Miss... Miss Passion Pit.
304
00:13:30,491 --> 00:13:34,094
I ought to wash your mouth out
with soap!
305
00:13:34,162 --> 00:13:37,030
I never lied to you
a day in my life.
306
00:13:37,098 --> 00:13:37,831
Never?
Never.
307
00:13:37,898 --> 00:13:38,865
Cross your heart,
hope to die,
308
00:13:38,933 --> 00:13:40,200
stick a needle
in your eye?
309
00:13:40,268 --> 00:13:42,919
Cross my heart,
hope to die,
310
00:13:42,987 --> 00:13:45,188
stick a thousand
needles in my eye.
311
00:13:45,256 --> 00:13:46,673
Well, then, ha-ha,
312
00:13:46,741 --> 00:13:50,343
someone has been a victim
of a very strange rumor.
313
00:13:50,411 --> 00:13:53,212
Will you speak
English to me?
314
00:13:53,281 --> 00:13:56,983
Well, Shirl, you think
you're like a tortoise.
315
00:13:57,050 --> 00:14:00,670
I am like a tortoise...
slow and steady.
316
00:14:00,738 --> 00:14:04,390
Yeah, well, all the guys
at the brewery think
317
00:14:04,458 --> 00:14:06,559
you're more like a rabbit...
318
00:14:06,627 --> 00:14:09,362
fast and friendly.
319
00:14:10,147 --> 00:14:12,482
Me? They think that I...
320
00:14:12,550 --> 00:14:13,717
Mm-hmm.
321
00:14:13,784 --> 00:14:16,553
That's the reason
they've been calling me?
322
00:14:16,621 --> 00:14:19,389
I? Me?
323
00:14:19,457 --> 00:14:22,592
Shirley "Wait
Till the Wedding Night" Feeney?
324
00:14:24,929 --> 00:14:27,230
Have they gone mad?
325
00:14:27,298 --> 00:14:28,732
Possibly.
326
00:14:28,799 --> 00:14:31,785
What kind of an idiot
would start a rumor like that?!
327
00:14:31,853 --> 00:14:34,071
Hey, how you doing, Laverne?
328
00:14:34,138 --> 00:14:35,906
Oh, uh, we learned
how to fire
329
00:14:35,974 --> 00:14:38,909
the M-1 rifle today
in the Reserves.
330
00:14:38,977 --> 00:14:40,477
I can see
you did real good.
331
00:14:40,544 --> 00:14:41,912
Not bad.
332
00:14:41,980 --> 00:14:44,080
Uh, look, Lenny, I'm trying
to find out something.
333
00:14:44,148 --> 00:14:46,616
You usually know all
the brewery gossip, don't you?
334
00:14:46,684 --> 00:14:48,935
Smutty or regular?
335
00:14:49,003 --> 00:14:51,771
Smutty.
336
00:14:51,839 --> 00:14:55,258
Why do all the guys think
that Shirley is a pushover?
337
00:14:55,326 --> 00:14:56,692
I don't know.
338
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,028
You don't?
No.
339
00:14:58,095 --> 00:14:59,345
Thanks anyway.
340
00:14:59,413 --> 00:15:00,363
I mean, that's
ridiculous.
341
00:15:00,431 --> 00:15:02,031
Shirley's no pushover.
342
00:15:02,099 --> 00:15:04,033
The only reason
she fools around
with Squiggy
343
00:15:04,101 --> 00:15:06,269
is 'cause she's
crazy about him.
344
00:15:07,939 --> 00:15:10,540
Sit down, Lenny.
345
00:15:10,608 --> 00:15:13,209
Shirley is crazy
about Squiggy?
346
00:15:13,277 --> 00:15:15,745
I'll bet that's how
your rumor got started.
347
00:15:15,813 --> 00:15:17,897
See, I told
everybody about
Shirley and Squiggy,
348
00:15:17,965 --> 00:15:19,899
and they might think
that Shirley would want
349
00:15:19,967 --> 00:15:22,068
to fool around with them,
too, but she won't.
350
00:15:22,136 --> 00:15:23,603
Shirley's in love.
351
00:15:25,956 --> 00:15:28,925
Lenny, I think Squiggy
is pulling your leg.
352
00:15:28,993 --> 00:15:30,726
I would've
thought so, too,
353
00:15:30,794 --> 00:15:32,562
except I saw it
with my own two eyes.
354
00:15:32,629 --> 00:15:37,067
I had to choke
back a blush.
355
00:15:37,134 --> 00:15:39,735
Uh, Lenny, could you
leave me alone for a little bit?
356
00:15:39,803 --> 00:15:41,271
I think I'm going
to be sick.
357
00:15:41,339 --> 00:15:43,924
Yeah, yeah, I think
you're just a little
bit jealous.
358
00:15:43,991 --> 00:15:45,191
That's all.
359
00:16:14,938 --> 00:16:16,205
Stop that!
360
00:16:16,273 --> 00:16:18,608
Do you want to call
attention to me?
361
00:16:20,778 --> 00:16:23,045
Sorry. What are
you doing here?
362
00:16:23,113 --> 00:16:24,681
I thought you wanted
to stay home.
363
00:16:24,749 --> 00:16:26,549
Oh, Laverne, the phone
364
00:16:26,617 --> 00:16:29,219
has been ringing
off the hook.
365
00:16:29,286 --> 00:16:31,054
They're closing
in on me.
366
00:16:31,122 --> 00:16:33,890
The buzzards are
circling the apartment.
367
00:16:33,958 --> 00:16:36,392
Uh, grab onto
your seat, Shirl.
368
00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:38,061
I got something...
369
00:16:38,128 --> 00:16:39,896
I can't talk
to you like that.
370
00:16:39,964 --> 00:16:41,231
You look like Harpo Marx.
371
00:16:41,298 --> 00:16:44,400
Get that off.
372
00:16:44,468 --> 00:16:46,903
Look, now, there's something
I got to ask you
373
00:16:46,971 --> 00:16:48,671
that might get you upset.
374
00:16:48,739 --> 00:16:51,508
Hey, I'm all grown up.
375
00:16:53,260 --> 00:16:56,863
Are you...?
Oh, I can't ask this.
376
00:16:56,931 --> 00:16:59,532
Ask me. What is it?
377
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,535
Are you...?
378
00:17:02,603 --> 00:17:05,037
( whispering )
379
00:17:05,105 --> 00:17:06,539
What?
380
00:17:06,607 --> 00:17:08,174
( whispering )
381
00:17:08,241 --> 00:17:09,292
What?
382
00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:11,128
Are you in love
with Squiggy?
383
00:17:22,273 --> 00:17:24,874
Now, Squiggy,
you remember
384
00:17:24,942 --> 00:17:27,710
the other afternoon
when we were in here
alone together?
385
00:17:27,778 --> 00:17:28,678
Sure. How could I forget it?
386
00:17:28,746 --> 00:17:30,413
You still owe me a buck
for the zipper.
387
00:17:32,199 --> 00:17:35,368
Why didn't you tell
Lenny the truth about
what happened here?
388
00:17:35,436 --> 00:17:38,805
I did tell him
the truth... sort of.
389
00:17:38,873 --> 00:17:41,925
That "sort of" is
ruining my life.
390
00:17:41,993 --> 00:17:44,110
Look, I didn't
do nothing to you...
391
00:17:44,178 --> 00:17:45,912
Aha! Aha! You see?
392
00:17:45,980 --> 00:17:47,580
That's just the point.
393
00:17:47,648 --> 00:17:49,248
You didn't do
nothing to me,
394
00:17:49,316 --> 00:17:52,385
but the entire brewery
thinks that you did.
395
00:17:52,452 --> 00:17:55,321
So? I'm learning
to live with it.
396
00:17:58,575 --> 00:18:00,676
But, you see, it's
different for you.
397
00:18:00,744 --> 00:18:02,711
You don't have a
reputation to protect.
398
00:18:02,779 --> 00:18:04,865
What are you talking about,
Shirley?
399
00:18:04,932 --> 00:18:07,567
For the first time in my life,
I got a reputation.
400
00:18:07,634 --> 00:18:10,152
But it's a lie, Squiggy!
401
00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:11,704
Well, that's not my fault!
402
00:18:11,772 --> 00:18:13,372
ANNOUNCER:
Your attention, please.
403
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,708
Due to rain, the company picnic
this weekend
404
00:18:15,776 --> 00:18:22,214
will be changed from
Pfister Park to Murray's house.
405
00:18:22,282 --> 00:18:23,550
Oh, what's the matter?
406
00:18:23,617 --> 00:18:25,885
You want me take you
to the picnic?
407
00:18:25,953 --> 00:18:28,721
Squiggy!
408
00:18:28,789 --> 00:18:31,858
You've got to tell
people the truth
about what happened.
409
00:18:31,926 --> 00:18:33,543
I can't tell 'em the truth.
410
00:18:33,610 --> 00:18:34,978
I got my pride.
411
00:18:35,046 --> 00:18:37,063
All right.
412
00:18:37,131 --> 00:18:40,566
I've tried to reason with you,
but it's impossible.
413
00:18:40,634 --> 00:18:44,804
You leave me no alternative
but to resort to brute force.
414
00:18:44,871 --> 00:18:47,073
( chuckles )
415
00:18:47,141 --> 00:18:48,908
How are you going
to beat me up?
416
00:18:48,976 --> 00:18:50,576
You're a girl.
417
00:18:50,644 --> 00:18:52,011
Carmine Ragusa's a boy.
418
00:18:52,079 --> 00:18:54,247
Yeah, but Carmine Ragusa
ain't here.
419
00:19:02,356 --> 00:19:04,090
Hello.
420
00:19:08,095 --> 00:19:09,362
No dice, huh?
421
00:19:09,430 --> 00:19:10,529
Nope.
422
00:19:10,597 --> 00:19:12,365
Well...
423
00:19:12,433 --> 00:19:14,700
just let the Big Ragoo
take care of it.
424
00:19:15,002 --> 00:19:17,354
I don't want
to watch this.
425
00:19:17,421 --> 00:19:19,556
I do.
426
00:19:19,623 --> 00:19:21,524
I just remembered something.
427
00:19:21,592 --> 00:19:23,526
I got a delivery to make...
to Canada.
428
00:19:23,594 --> 00:19:24,861
Sit down, Squiggy.
429
00:19:24,929 --> 00:19:28,031
We're going to have
a man-to-man talk.
430
00:19:28,098 --> 00:19:31,200
Good to see you again,
Carmine.
431
00:19:31,268 --> 00:19:34,303
Nice shirt. Tight fit.
432
00:19:35,139 --> 00:19:36,873
Shut up!
433
00:19:36,941 --> 00:19:38,942
Now, look, Squiggy.
434
00:19:39,009 --> 00:19:42,078
You've been saying
things about Shirley
that are not very nice.
435
00:19:42,146 --> 00:19:44,347
Now you're going to tell
the entire brewery
436
00:19:44,415 --> 00:19:46,232
that what you said about
Shirley is not true.
437
00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:47,900
You got that? Not true.
438
00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:49,736
'Cause if you don't,
439
00:19:49,804 --> 00:19:52,605
I'm going to have
to make you a
very sad person.
440
00:19:54,975 --> 00:19:57,910
Andrew Squigman
fears nothing!
441
00:19:57,978 --> 00:20:00,913
Except darkness.
442
00:20:00,981 --> 00:20:04,250
So you can just rip out my nose,
pull out my ears.
443
00:20:04,318 --> 00:20:06,585
You can even break
off my arm.
444
00:20:06,653 --> 00:20:07,887
I ain't talking!
445
00:20:07,954 --> 00:20:10,356
CARMINE:
Sure about that?
Yeah.
446
00:20:10,424 --> 00:20:11,908
Look, Squiggy,
I don't want
to hurt you,
447
00:20:11,975 --> 00:20:14,243
but I'm afraid I'm
going to have to
break your arm.
448
00:20:14,311 --> 00:20:16,078
In front of all
these witnesses?
449
00:20:16,146 --> 00:20:18,915
Hey, everybody, I'm
going to hurt this man.
450
00:20:18,982 --> 00:20:20,216
Anybody care?
451
00:20:20,284 --> 00:20:22,752
ALL:
No!
452
00:20:22,820 --> 00:20:25,254
Hey, wait a minute.
I thought I was popular.
453
00:20:25,322 --> 00:20:27,123
That's what I thought.
Here it goes.
454
00:20:27,190 --> 00:20:28,758
Wait, no, I can't stand it.
455
00:20:28,826 --> 00:20:29,775
Don't do it, Carmine.
456
00:20:29,843 --> 00:20:31,777
I give up. It's no use.
457
00:20:31,845 --> 00:20:34,113
I've appealed to his sense
of fair play
458
00:20:34,181 --> 00:20:36,048
and found that he has none.
459
00:20:36,116 --> 00:20:37,884
Thank you.
460
00:20:39,186 --> 00:20:41,287
I may as well resign myself
461
00:20:41,355 --> 00:20:44,290
to living the rest of my life
in disgrace.
462
00:20:44,358 --> 00:20:45,791
( sobbing )
Oh, Angel Face.
463
00:20:45,860 --> 00:20:48,127
Oh, it's so awful.
I can't believe this.
Hey, come on.
464
00:20:48,195 --> 00:20:51,597
Shut up. Don't cry.
It makes me nervous.
465
00:20:54,952 --> 00:20:56,886
What's she crying for?
466
00:20:56,954 --> 00:20:58,554
Ah, you broke her heart,
didn't you?
467
00:20:58,622 --> 00:21:00,756
You broke off with it.
Love 'em and leave 'em.
468
00:21:00,824 --> 00:21:02,074
Shut up, Lenny!
469
00:21:02,142 --> 00:21:04,727
You don't even
know what you're
talking about.
470
00:21:04,795 --> 00:21:07,129
Yes, I do.
I saw everything.
471
00:21:07,197 --> 00:21:08,248
You saw nothing.
472
00:21:08,315 --> 00:21:10,417
All he did was fix her zipper.
473
00:21:10,484 --> 00:21:13,753
Squiggy's been lying to you
the whole time.
474
00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:16,356
He made a fool out of you, too.
475
00:21:20,827 --> 00:21:23,095
Were you lying to me?
476
00:21:23,163 --> 00:21:24,597
Well, it's your fault!
477
00:21:24,665 --> 00:21:27,933
All that talk about a legend
and wearing animals on my head.
478
00:21:28,001 --> 00:21:29,269
Yeah, yeah, sure.
479
00:21:29,336 --> 00:21:31,604
Only you didn't tell me
it was a lie.
480
00:21:31,672 --> 00:21:35,608
Me, the guy that
taught you how
to siphon gas!
481
00:21:35,676 --> 00:21:36,776
Well, I'm getting out of here.
482
00:21:36,843 --> 00:21:39,712
You people make me stink!
483
00:21:39,780 --> 00:21:41,947
Hey, get back here.
484
00:21:42,015 --> 00:21:43,616
No, let him go.
485
00:21:43,683 --> 00:21:45,451
I don't ever want
to see him again.
486
00:21:45,519 --> 00:21:46,785
I don't either.
487
00:21:46,853 --> 00:21:49,122
I am so disappointed
in him.
488
00:21:49,189 --> 00:21:52,358
Hey, Carmine,
how'd you like to be
my new best friend?
489
00:21:52,426 --> 00:21:53,225
Hey, Lenny?
Hmm?
490
00:21:53,294 --> 00:21:55,395
Get away from me.
491
00:21:55,462 --> 00:21:57,397
Some best friend
you turned out to be.
492
00:21:57,464 --> 00:22:00,132
ANNOUNCER:
Attention, all employees.
493
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,568
The brewery will be closed
on Mr. Shotz's birthday...
494
00:22:02,636 --> 00:22:05,404
SQUIGGY:
Excuse me, sir,
this is... this is serious.
495
00:22:05,472 --> 00:22:07,907
Hello. This is Squiggy speaking.
496
00:22:07,975 --> 00:22:10,576
There's been some bad rumors
going around
497
00:22:10,644 --> 00:22:12,945
that-that just ain't true.
498
00:22:13,013 --> 00:22:16,733
I never did nothing
with Shirley Feeney...
499
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,736
and I'm very grateful
she didn't have my head busted.
500
00:22:19,803 --> 00:22:21,404
Thank you.
501
00:22:21,472 --> 00:22:24,073
ANNOUNCER:
Excuse me, is that
the same Shirley Feeney that...
502
00:22:24,140 --> 00:22:26,909
SQUIGGY:
Yes.
503
00:22:26,977 --> 00:22:28,911
ANNOUNCER:
Attention, Shirley Feeney.
504
00:22:28,979 --> 00:22:33,916
Our date this Tuesday
is canceled. Thank you.
505
00:22:33,984 --> 00:22:35,351
SQUIGGY:
While I'm at the mike,
506
00:22:35,419 --> 00:22:37,253
there's something
I've always wanted to try.
507
00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:38,621
ANNOUNCER:
Well, I don't know...
508
00:22:38,689 --> 00:22:40,890
SQUIGGY:
No, no...
¶ In the still ¶
509
00:22:40,957 --> 00:22:43,927
¶ Still of the night ¶
510
00:22:43,994 --> 00:22:47,096
¶ Darling, I held you ¶
¶ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop ¶
511
00:22:47,164 --> 00:22:50,600
¶ Held you tight ¶
¶ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-whoa ¶
512
00:22:50,668 --> 00:22:53,369
¶ In the still of the night ¶
¶ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop ¶
513
00:22:53,437 --> 00:22:54,737
¶ Shoo-doop, shoo-be-doop... ¶
514
00:22:57,541 --> 00:23:01,811
¶ When I was
just a little girl ¶
515
00:23:01,878 --> 00:23:03,346
¶ I asked my mother... ¶
516
00:23:03,414 --> 00:23:05,114
Okay, Stanley.
517
00:23:05,182 --> 00:23:08,451
Mm-hmm. Good-bye.
518
00:23:08,519 --> 00:23:09,969
¶ Will I be pretty?
Will I be rich? ¶
519
00:23:10,037 --> 00:23:13,106
Well, I guess
Squiggy's announcement worked.
520
00:23:13,173 --> 00:23:15,692
Guys have been
calling to cancel
right and left.
521
00:23:15,759 --> 00:23:18,811
You see how evil
it is to spread
rumors, Laverne?
522
00:23:18,879 --> 00:23:21,881
You see how you can ruin
a person's reputation?
523
00:23:21,949 --> 00:23:25,301
Yeah. A guy with a reputation
is a hero.
524
00:23:25,369 --> 00:23:28,805
A girl with a reputation
is a bimbo.
525
00:23:28,872 --> 00:23:30,673
Just doesn't seem fair.
526
00:23:30,741 --> 00:23:32,142
Well, who knows?
527
00:23:32,209 --> 00:23:35,845
Maybe a hundred years from now,
all that will have changed.
528
00:23:35,912 --> 00:23:37,496
Yeah. Wouldn't it be great
529
00:23:37,564 --> 00:23:39,932
if nobody cared
about your reputation?
530
00:23:39,999 --> 00:23:42,134
Think of all the fun
you could have.
531
00:23:44,004 --> 00:23:45,772
Fun, Laverne?
532
00:23:45,839 --> 00:23:49,392
Well... I hear it's fun.
533
00:23:50,210 --> 00:23:52,411
Oh, really? From whom?
534
00:23:52,479 --> 00:23:54,180
Someone you know.
535
00:23:55,849 --> 00:23:58,517
It's Doris in bottle capping,
isn't it?
536
00:23:58,585 --> 00:24:00,119
What did you hear?
Tell me everything.
537
00:24:00,186 --> 00:24:02,121
Francine told me
538
00:24:02,188 --> 00:24:04,123
that Doris went out
with this sailor...
539
00:24:04,190 --> 00:24:07,460
Yeah?
He takes her aboard
ship at midnight.
540
00:24:07,528 --> 00:24:08,961
Yeah?
541
00:24:09,029 --> 00:24:10,630
Look at us, Laverne.
542
00:24:10,697 --> 00:24:12,799
I mean, here we are,
spreading rumors now.
543
00:24:12,866 --> 00:24:15,468
Yeah.
544
00:24:15,536 --> 00:24:17,637
But they ain't about us.
545
00:24:17,704 --> 00:24:20,473
Right you are.
546
00:24:20,541 --> 00:24:24,343
Doris and the sailor
board ship after midnight...
547
00:24:24,411 --> 00:24:30,082
¶ ¶
548
00:24:35,172 --> 00:24:39,125
( theme music plays )
549
00:24:39,192 --> 00:24:40,459
¶ We're gonna do it ¶
550
00:24:40,527 --> 00:24:43,730
¶ On your mark,
get set and go now ¶
551
00:24:43,797 --> 00:24:47,199
¶ Got a dream,
and we just know now ¶
552
00:24:47,267 --> 00:24:51,220
¶ We're gonna make
that dream come true ¶
553
00:24:51,288 --> 00:24:54,790
¶ And we'll do it
our way, yes, our way ¶
554
00:24:54,858 --> 00:24:59,962
¶ Make all
our dreams come true ¶
555
00:25:00,029 --> 00:25:04,633
¶ For me and you. ¶